Segments - 6: Tattoos (with Ricky Van Veen)

Episode Date: June 10, 2013

Our first guest! CollegeHumor co-founder (and our boss) Ricky Van Veen stops by to talk tattoos, middle names, and how to tell if you've found your soulmate. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star.

There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live.

So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but we'll see you guys what no no no no

and if you're feeling stuck, then just email us. If I were you, I'd show you what to do. And if you're feeling stuck, then just email us. Because the show starts now Wow. I'm freaking crying or something. That was very Jason Mraz-y. Yeah.

That actually was Jason Mraz. That's what Jason Mraz. It sounded like either actually was Jason Mraz. That was Jason Mraz. It sounded like either it was Jason Mraz or it was in a Skittles commercial. I think Jason Mraz may have done Skittles commercials. Probably. I don't see why not. Hey, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us. I'm Amir.

I'm Jake. And we have our first ever guest today. Wow. Very special guest. It's Ricky Van Veen. Hello. You know what's funny? When I first started listening to this show, I've listened to all of them, by the way.

Thank you. We told him to say that. Long time listener, first time guest. Long time. This show's been on for three weeks. So I was listening to it, and I was driving in LA with Allison, and I turned to her, and I was like, you know what the best part about this podcast is? No guests.

Every podcast has guests. And she agreed with you and now she's breaking up with you. It is the same people on every podcast. And then, you know, but I think this is good. It's an advice podcast. It doesn't depend on the guests. I can be horrible and people still listen and like you.

Thank God. So feel free. Be as horrible as you want. They'll still listen to this one. They'll just stop listening to the next podcast. They'll listen to half of this one. So the reason we had Ricky on the show, you're sort of a... It's because he's our

boss and we're sucking up to him? What if I made you have... Hey guys. Our first guest... The first guest to email the host is a man to be on the show. You're sort of like a very logical person. Thank you. Would you say you're the king of common sense?

Common sense is also the king. Just because that's your email signature. It's my email signature. Yes, I am very logical. Yeah, hyperlogical. Hyperlogical. To a fault. Amir is also hyperlogical, I would very logical. Yeah, hyper-logical. Hyper-logical. To a fault. Amir is also hyper-logical, I would say to a fault.

Okay. So is this a battle between the king of logic? Like this is a battle for the king of logic. Yeah, it's like two robots and a really passionate human discussing, I don't know, whatever the hell. We're going to see. Oh, the intro song is actually by Jesse Gold. Oh, right. You almost just

gave jason razz credit for that he's somewhere listening to this podcast for sure uh jesse gold we should tell i think i can't remember what his uh youtube or facebook page is it probably probably type his name into google just search jesse gold j-e-s-s-e space gold the usual spelling found it oh cool it's jesse gold music jesse gold music yeah yeah cool uh yeah that's our time S-S-E space gold, the usual spelling. Found it. Oh, cool. It's Jesse Gold Music. Jesse Gold Music. Yeah, yeah. Cool. Yeah, that's our time.

That's it. Thank you so much, Ricky. So type Jesse Gold Music into Google. So type Jason Mraz into Skittles.com. It's a completely new candy website. All right. Should we get to the questions? I think yes.

I don't see why not. Are you guys all ready? I'm ready. All right. I don't see why not. Are you guys all ready? I'm ready. All right. This one is by a lady. We'll call her Lucinda. Great. Lady Lucinda.

Real questions, real people, fake names. My parents despise tattoos. They just really, really hate them and privately make fun of people with tattoos when they see them in public. My new boyfriend has a tattoo on his neck and shoulder to the lyrics of Hey Ya by Outkast. Don't ask. My parents want him to come over for dinner.

Covering up the tattoo with a scarf would be very difficult since the weather is warm right now. What should I do? Aside from break up with the guy that got Hey Ya tattooed on his neck. How much of Hey Ya? If it goes onto his shoulder. It's the whole thing. It just says, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right, from the neck down to his ass.

Shake it, shake it. It's hey-ya with, like, all the A's. They start below his ear and end around his tricep. Wow. What would you do? This is like a modern-day guess who's coming for dinner, but instead of the person being black, he's just tattooed. I invented a word a while ago,

tattoosled. And tattoosled is when you hook up with someone and you remove a piece of their clothing and you're like, oh, they have a tattoo. Oh, because you've been bamboozled by the tattoo. Wow, that's true. You have a couple hidden tattoos. I don't know what you're talking about. And I resent the idea

that I'd reveal this on the podcast. Jake Horowitz has a Taz-2. It's a Tasmanian devil. I'm in Taz, Taz-2-dled. I was about to say Bam-2-zled. Taz-2-zled. It's when you're hooking up with a girl and she reveals a giant Tasmanian devil tattoo on her back.

That would be awesome. The exclamation point and question mark are peeking over her shoulder blades. Alright, so. I want to give advice, but I keep on trying to think of lyrics to Hey Ya so I can make fun of it. Yeah, yeah. I think you just gotta bring him,

bring the guy, and if the parents don't like the tattoo, then they don't like the tattoo, but they're gonna find it at some point. Willka says, nothing lasts forever. Except for those tattoos of the lyrics of his song. You could even't like the tattoo, but they're going to find it at some point. Will kind of says, nothing lasts forever. Except for those tattoos. The lyrics of his song. You could even say to the boyfriend, like, hey, maybe even just make a joke about it

to kind of diffuse the tattoo. Because everyone's going to be looking at the tattoo. So, you know, within two minutes of the dinner, the topic of a mistake comes up. He could be like, well, obviously we know what I've done. And then, you know, everyone laughs.

What if he still loves that song, though? Like, I still have no shame. Just like, yeah, yeah. I mean, shake it like a Polaroid picture. That changed my life. Which is actually bad advice for, you're not supposed to do that to Polaroid pictures. Yeah, Polaroid ended up having to release a statement.

So our advice is to, you know, don't shake your Polaroids and I don't know. Would breaking up with a person be good advice? No. Well, it depends how she feels about him. It sounds like, I mean, if she wants to stay with him forever or she wants to, like, be with him, like, enough that she wants to introduce

him to her parents, like, they're going to have to confront the tattoo. Yeah, but think like, zoom out a little bit. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone whose decision-making is so flawed they tattooed a popular song? Nobody makes good decisions when they're 18 when they get tattoos.

My butterfly tattoo is a testament to that. But you at least had the wherewithal not to get lyrics to a popular song tattooed on a visible area. No, I didn't have the wherewithal. I didn't have the money. I tried to raise $200 so I could get a masturbating angel on my shoulder blade. Is that true?

Yes, it's true. Thank God I didn't have any money. Thank God Kickstarter didn't exist back then. I wanted a Dave Matthews fire dancer tattoo on my other bicep. Amir, do you remember the tattoo that you always joked about getting? No. You joked about getting a Jewish graveyard tattoo. An ironic Jewish graveyard tattoo on myself so that I couldn't get buried in a Jewish cemetery.

That's really funny. What is our advice? Break up with a guy? My advice is to straight up break up with a guy. That's your advice? Yeah. You can't change your parents. Your parents hate tattoos.

You should not respect a guy who would actually do this to himself at any age. And I think it's not worth... I know your parents are going to give you a lot of shit if they privately make fun of people with tattoos in public. And that's just regular tattoos. This is just a straight up bad tattoo. You're a bigot or something. I don't

know how yet, but I think you're a bigot. It might take me to the next episode to understand. Some people like tattoos. Some people like girls that pretend to be dead. You know, like, people like weird shit. If she likes these tattoos, if she's into them, if she's not into them, yeah, sure, break up with them.

You know, they're not going anywhere. But if she likes the tattoos, she doesn't mind. She likes him for who he is. For whatever reason, I'm with Ricky. Bring the guy to dinner. And what? Confront him head on. He'll be like, yeah, look at this. Or she could always do that old trick, you know, where it's like you tell your parents something worse and then it turns out to be

okay. Like, I gotta tell you, he's got a swastika on his forehead. And they're like, oh my god. Just kidding, he has hay on his back. Oh god, it's not the swastika one. I would prefer the swastika. At least he really stands for something. Yeah.

This guy's just like somewhat complacent and into the fact that he liked Hey Ya by OutKast. What are the other lyrics to Hey Ya? How does it start? You think you got it. Oh, you think you got it. All right, we can't actually sing it legally because we gotta keep it a second.

We owe this guy money now. iTunes actually charges us. Okay, so one breakup with your boyfriend. By the way, you have our email. Yes, ifireefshow at gmail.com. Will you please take a picture of your boyfriend's tattoo and send it? Oh, yes, that's great. We'll post it on our Tumblr, seesthecheese.tumblr.com.

Did you guys end up getting that domain? We did buy Seize the Cheese. Yeah, yeah. But it forwards to our regular site right now. I hope we should get it, the Tumblr. SeizeTheCheese.tumblr. That's too late. Oh, yeah, my other advice it forwards to our regular site right now. I hope we should get the Tumblr. Seize the cheese. Someone probably already has it. Oh, it's too late. Oh, yeah, my other advice is to seize the cheese.

Always seize the cheese. That's every other bit of advice that I have. All right, second question. That was good to remind the people of the email. Yeah, and I already did it, so moving on. If I were you show at gmail.com. If you're ever in a sticky situation, you don't know what to do, you just want advice You just want to be made fun of by us

Please email us at if I were you show at gmail.com Thank you Submissions have been great Alright I just started, oh this one is from another lady We'll call her Luann Luann, very pretty I just started a new job last week

Which I am extremely qualified for, and know I am capable of doing any task they give me. But it seems that because I am pretty good looking, they have been assuming that I am stupid and have only been giving me really simple jobs. And when they do give me something more challenging, they always check up on me to see if I need any help. But I don't. How do I get them to stop treating me like a moron?

Holy shit, you're an awful person. I'm really hot, and... You hate this person more than the Hey Ya tattoo guy. Yeah. This person sucks in my book. She's like, I'm so hot that no one thinks I'm smart, but I'm brilliant. No.

Yeah, I think the... I don't have advice. I have a problem with the premise of the question. We want your advice actually, lady. So you think

she's not very extremely qualified capable of doing any tasks? Maybe she is. Like, holy shit. Your bosses you just started

a new job and your bosses are like hey, is everything going okay? Is there anything we can help you with? You're like, fuck you I'm hot and smart what a mean person

yeah I think attractive people have an advantage not a disadvantage so what's the complaint also please send a photo of yourself to if I were you

so that we can she has a hey ya tattoo on her neck she's actually insanely hot we stand more than corrected

I'd also like to point out that that email is just riddled with typos. You're not smart. Even her email address is misspelled. I don't know how she got Gmail with two L's, but here it is. Gmall.

She went to the Gmall. I don't know what my advice is. The question is, how do I get them to stop treating me like a moron? They're not treating you like a moron. It sounds like they're sounds like if they give you something challenging and they ask if you need help, they're treating you like they're on your team. Also, think about if you are really hot and some guy is like, hey, do you need help with that? They might be flirting with you. It might not be involving your intelligence.

They might just want to flirt and talk to you. If you're really hot, like, oh, my God. Please send that photo. Please send that photo. Tweet it at us right now. I know you're really hot, like don't – oh, my God. Please send that photo. Please send that photo. Tweet it at us right now. I know you're listening live. Jesus Christ. You're mad.

Yeah. Wait. Her advice is like how do I get people to stop treating me like a moron because I'm too hot. That's right. Jake, as a very hot person, how would you – Yeah, you know, I actually am tired of getting treated like I'm stupid all the time. Yeah. I don't have advice for this girl.

Can I just give her our office address and, like, she can come here and I can slap her in the face? Or somewhere else. I'd love to meet you somewhere to just, like, kind of push you. Like, what are you thinking? All right. Moving on. Wait, do we give her advice? Yeah, yeah.

Get over yourself. Okay. This one is from a dude. We'll call him Louie. So I've been dating this girl for five years. Out of nowhere, she breaks up with me through text message. WTF? She says it's because I'm not happy.

She says it's because she wants to be alone. She says it's because she's depressed. She's telling me all these conflicting things, and I'm just one confused puppy. What should I do? Move on. When someone breaks up with you, the only thing you can do is move on because if you want to get them back, you're not going to do it by being like, please be with me. What's more attractive than just a pathetic, desperate person? It's such a simple answer. being like, please be with me. What's more attractive than just a pathetic, desperate person? So move.

It's such a simple answer. There's so many complex emotions going on that you think the answer is going to be complex, but the answer is very simple. Be done with it. You always delude yourself into being like, no, no, no, but my situation is different. I really, really know Karen, okay? And she would not want me to just move on. She wants me to really try.

She's telling me the truth. She is depressed and this and this and that and me to just move on. She wants me to really try. She's telling me the truth. She is depressed and this and that and whatever she made up today. It's also, she broke up with him on a text message after dating him for five years. You're ingrained in the family at that point. Yeah. This is a sweet girl.

I just want to... Whatever. Hey, where's... I mean, this woman is probably part of the family. It's like, where is Lucy? Well, she texted me earlier. Oh, so she's not's like, where is Lucy? Well, she texted me earlier. Oh, so she's not going to make it? No, well, she texted me earlier, and we're done.

So what do you mean? How's she doing? Let me show you this text. Was it a long text? How long was the text? What is a text that you can send to someone? I can almost see, like, an email, because, you know, like, I need to, like, say all of this. Like, we can have a conversation in person.

Like, I'm going to get all this off my chest right now. But a text is, like're not happy we are done Like a Snapchat I don't want anyone else to know how I did it I also have to read it in 7 seconds I would love to know if that happened Being dumped via Snapchat You have to read it so quickly

Doesn't it disappear forever So 5 seconds and then there's no evidence If it ever happened Wait did she break up with me By the time this picture disappears I too will be gone for a while Five seconds. And then, like, there's no evidence of it if it ever happened. Like, wait, did she break up with me? I don't. By the time this picture disappears, I, too, will be gone for your life. So, yeah, even if someone's going crazy and, like, wants to break up with you, but you're not sure if he wants to break up with you, maybe this person's not even worth keeping around anyway. Yeah.

I'm with Ricky. Cold turkey. You're done. Move on. It's so easy to say when you're not in a relationship for five years, though. Right, yeah. Which is why we're doing that. Which is why we have this podcast.

I'm not in your situation, so it's easy for me to give advice and ridicule you, okay? Let's give him the email address of the hot, overqualified girl. They can go out on a date with the hey-ya tattoo guy. Take a picture

and send it all three of you at fireyoushow at gmail.com. Love to just take all of you guys out to dinner. Do you know anybody who's been in a relationship, they broke up, got back together, and it worked out? Yes. So you're saying there is some hope for a breakup get back together. Yeah, but it's not done by groveling. Yeah.

And it's also, I don't know, it's always going to be weird. Like, if they get back together, it's like, hey, I'm really happy we're together, but easy does it with those texts. A year ago, you were all like, you didn't want to be with me forever. It seems like she's too unstable.

If she can break up with him over texts, that's dangerous. There's no more effective way of getting someone back than dating someone else and not talking to that person. Oh, yeah. If you really want her back, go date somebody else. That's the depraved advice that I have. That'll get her. So Ricky's saying it's possible to get back together after breaking up, but it's not going to happen for you.

Under your current situation yeah no you're done you're done dude so so far we've broken two relationships up in the matter of eight minutes

that's not bad these people have been dating for eight years and then told an attractive girl that she was a bitch so I should quit

after this podcast episode we are recording live from an ivory tower I'm flawed too no you're not you're perfect you have a podcast for crying out loud after this podcast episode. We are recording live from an ivory tower. I'm flawed too. No, you're not. You're perfect. You have a podcast for crying out loud.

I have a butterfly tattoo. An iTunes rated podcast. You also have a tattoo of a tribal sun on your ankle. Hey, come on. Would you get a tattoo now? Or would you be like, I learned my lesson. Nothing I get now will be cool in 10 years. I think about getting tattooed now to just cover this up. Because even though it's not going will be cool in 10 years. I think about getting tattooed now to just cover this up. Because even though it's not going to be cool in 10 years, it'll at least be relevant to

my life now. It looks like a little TiVo symbol. Yeah. I mean, right now, I'm talking to a girl at a bar, and I'm like, oh, let me buy you a drink. And I put my hand out to my card. They're like, oh, what's this butterfly tattoo? It's a conversation starter.

No, it's not. Not a conversation that I want to have. It's a conversation ender. It's a conversation starter, but it it's not. It's a conversation ender. It's a conversation starter, but it's like, hey, now you have to talk about something that makes you uncomfortable for a full minute. I don't want some... What age did you get the tattoo?

I got this tattoo when I was 18. What age did you regret it? When I was 20... Maybe when I moved to New York, when I was 21. That's still three years of a tat. Three years of a tat. It was good. Three years of loving it.

And like, you know, it worked. I made it work in high school and college. Like, it was cool. And now, I think I could get like a sleeve of tattoos, walk around Brooklyn and be like hip as shit. People would be like, oh, that guy's cool. Right. But I don't know.

Maybe sleeve tattoos never go out of style. We'll see. Hey, might as well try it. What are the lyrics to Hey Ya? But I don't know, maybe sleeve tattoos never go out of style. We'll see. Hey, might as well try it. What are the lyrics to Hey Ya? I think there's going to be a big epidemic of people, like this whole generation that is getting tattoos now will be old sometime. Right.

And, you know, tramp stamps will go to gramp stamps. Is that, oh my God, tattoos old and gramp stamps. Two words coined on this. Wow. Holy shit. Gramp stamps. You're skipping the dad stamp. You're going straight to the second generation of stampery. But it's going to be interesting to see a pool at a retirement community 40 years from now. Yeah, and they just have sleeves.

Sleeve tattoos. Don't you remember this song? No. Yeah. I remember my girlfriend's dad berating me for an hour and a half at a restaurant. We lived happily ever after, though. I wish she would have broken up with me. Good times.

All right, next question. Real question. Fake name. We'll go with... Larry. No, but it's a lady. How about a Larry, L-A-R-I? Larry.

Yeah. How about Laura Dern? Laura Dern. This one goes straight from Laura Dern. Holy shit, our first celebrity question. Laura Dern writes, When I was younger, my sister and I would talk about naming our children after each other. Well, now I'm going to have a baby in December, and she is constantly asking what I plan to name the baby.

I hate to break her heart, but there are so many other baby name options, and I can't decide whether to stick to our original plan of naming the baby after my sis, or choosing a new updated and modern name. If you were me, what would you do? Her sister's name is Gertrude. Something more modern. Yeah, there are so many more options.

Yes, there are so many more options. Literally every name. Except one. Oh, there are so many more options. Yes, there are so many more options. Literally every name. Except one. Oh, the Dern sisters. What's going to figure out of that? The sisters Dern. Yeah, well, it's got to be a name that works with Dern. So, well, Laura's taken. Lindsay. Lindsay Dern is nice.

How would you promise to name your baby after your sister? That's weird. I think this is one of these promises where you're in seventh grade and you say to your best girlfriend, you're like, if we're not married by the time we're 25, we're marrying each other. And then it's like, no, not really. What if we're 25?

Like, yo, that's the prime of your life. You're only dating people. You're getting laid. Like, ah, shit, I actually have this weird pact with my friend. We're going to get married. I have a solution. Middle name. Ooh.

See, that's why you're on the show. That's a great idea. But that's actually not helpful because we usually have to, like, why you're on the show. That's a great idea. But that's actually not helpful because we usually have to, like, you know, stretch these out. Next question. You can't just, like, snipe in, like, perfect advice and, like, well, I can't follow that. It is. That's right.

Exactly. That's right, yes. Real name for their first name. Bury that lead. Bury that lame name as a middle name because that's what people do. Everybody's middle name is weirder than their first name. And then the sister just, like, insists on calling her by her middle name because that's what people do. Everybody's middle name is weirder than their first name. And then the sister just insists on calling her by her middle name

because people go by their middle name sometimes. Yeah, if they have a cooler middle name. But what is the deal with middle names? You hide the worst name in the middle name? I don't know. I think it's because when you're naming a kid, you're supposed to be named after you know, there's a lot of people that want the honor of the kid

being named after them. I have three names. You have three middle names i've not have two middle names but i have like so jacob pan cooper hurwitz right so there's like i got somebody from my mom's side my dad's side and two people from my dad's side they just crammed it all in it's like jacob and then i don't know pope perry miscellany i like cooper i think nobody we like we never figured out what the rules are for middle names. It's such a weird thing. So everyone's kind of different

and people are like, who cares? Middle name is the weirdest, but it's, oh, fuck, this is like blowing my mind. I feel like I'm high. My middle name is Raphael.

Is it? And I think about that maybe once every three years. On the dot. Ricky Raphael Van Veen? Yeah. Or RVV. That's dope, actually. R2-V2. Richard Raphael Van Veen? Yeah. Or RVV. That's dope, actually.

R2-V2. Richard Raphael Van Veen. Oh, my God. R2-V2. That's the coolest shit I've ever heard. Or the worst. And yours is Amir Shmuel. No, it's not anything.

All right, moving on. We're making fun of my fucking butterfly tattoo? Laura Dern. Shmuel? I didn't choose that. That's the difference. Ass. That'd be funny if you got to choose your own middle name.

Isn't that what happens with Catholic people? They get communion or something. When they're like 13, you get to choose your Catholic name. Really? I don't know. I'm fucking Jewish. I don't know. I am high.

We have a Wikipedia show without Wikipedia where you're just guessing. And it's like, we have a computer here. We can figure this out. I'm not going to waste people's time. My favorite part of our podcast is when I just like say facts I think I know and just like there are thousands of people that are just going to hear it

and some people are going to take it for like at face value. They like mentioned it to their friends like oh yeah and you get to choose a name and do communion. Like what? I think I'm going to convert. I want to change my name.

My middle name. Some loser said it on a podcast once and I just took it as a fact. Middle name was great. That's a bullseye answer. Bullseye. Snipe. R2V2. Nailed it for the epic win.

Let's keep moving right along. Chugging. This one is from a dude named Leviathan. Leviathan? Yeah. Let's call him Lev for sure. Well, his middle name is Leviathan.

Lev Leviathan Leventhal. Title of the email was seize the cheese. Seize the cheese. Right off the bat, it's catching on. Guys, hashtag seize the cheese. You got to hashtag seize the cheese. I think if we, it's catching on. Guys, hashtag seize the cheese. You gotta hashtag seize the cheese. I think we can get it trending in some sort of city. Probably Milwaukee.

T-shirts, sweatshirts, hoodies. Beanies. Tearaway pants. Seize the cheese on the ass. Green Bay Packer cheese heads. Seize the cheese heads. You gotta seize it. There's only one of each, so you have to seize this cheese.

Just a shirt that we only make one of. And, like, you can, whenever you see it in the wild, you're allowed to grab it, and that person has to give it to you. It's an international game of tag. That is so dope, actually. I really am high, I think. Like, weird little things are, like, blowing my mind. Yeah, well, I did see you eating an entire mescaline candy bar before we started. Holy shit, that's what that was.

All right, Leviathan's question. I don't usually date girls. I generally just have one-night stands and friends-with-benefit relationships. However, girls always ask me to date, even though I'm an asshole. My question is, how do I tell a girl I'm scared of getting into a relationship,

and I don't know why, without hurting her or making it sound like the whole it's-not- it's you routine. All right. I'm going to just say, why would we even attempt to answer this when we have Jake Hurwitz in the room? Cause I have no fucking idea. Jake actually wrote this question. This is like the second time a question has been just like sent from my brain and heart. So would you say all of this is true for you? You don't usually date girls. You have one night stands, you're friends with benefits and you don friends with benefits, and you want to tell girls that you don't want to date them,

and that just makes them want to date you? I don't know. I guess a little bit. So my advice is you could just do what I do, which is just sort of fade away, stop talking to people, and estrange everybody, and everyone is like, oh, yeah, Jake was cool for a little bit. But then he got weird. He stopped talking to you.

He must have been busy. Are you ever just kind of a dick on purpose so they'll stop liking you? No, I'm never, ever mean. The meanest I get is I won't respond to a text for two days, and then I'll respond and be like, I'm really sorry. I've been super busy, but let's hang out soon. Your problem, I would say, is the the opposite that you're so nice to people that they're like, Oh, maybe he does still want a relationship. Cause he's like, yeah, I'm totally

into it. Let's have an adventure. Let's go crazy. That's what makes me a monster. Like I don't know how to be, I can't be actually mean. So I'm, I can't be like outwardly mean. So I'm outwardly nice, but I'm actually mean. Right. And do you find that that makes girls even more into you than previously? I don't know. In my experience, I think I'm dating girls that are like mature enough to be like, he's childish and he's an asshole. So I don't think like girls are like, oh man, I really want this guy. He's super nice. He's just aloof. Right. They're like, oh, this guy's probably hooking up with other people and I don't want to be with him. Which is true. Yeah. But don't you often say like. Does that work for you, Lev?

Don't you often say like, I wish that, like, I wish like this, if girl's into you, you're like, and she says, oh, I want to be with you. You like stare at your phone. You're like, no, you don't. You don't want to be with me. You're wrong. You're like, you think you want to be with me, but you couldn't be more mistaken. I suck.

I'm going to hurt you. And you're like, oh, I like you. Like, no, no, no, no. Don't do that. You fucked up. You're already in too deep. Whenever a girl is like, I like you, I think that, like, that should be nice. But in my head, I'm like, oh, no, I tricked her.

Yeah. I've duped you. You fell for my shit. And now I don't like you because you're gullible. I would never belong to a girl that would have me as a member.

Oh my god. Why don't you guys fucking say something? I'm like sweating right now. You're both like in committed relationships. Yeah, and it's just such

an amazing time. To be in a relationship like that just means so much more. This is what Lev needs to hear. Why is being in a relationship better than having one night stands and

fucking whoever you want? We are actually at a time. Well, I mean, it's for all the obvious reasons without being too corny. I mean, you go home and you either have a one night stand or you're completely by yourself. We get to go home, hang out with someone, have fun, have

an amazing time. You have a partner in life. You share stuff with them. How does that sound? Or later in life. I had that with Dave and Jeff Rosenberg. Later in life, you see people like, oh, my friends just had kids. My friends are starting a family.

That looks amazing. To create a child and to be with someone and have this project that you have to raise a kid with somebody. I'm an uncle. I'll be an uncle. That could be cool too. You love being an uncle. You love seeing friends with kids and saying, like, oh, this is like –

I really genuinely feel like I'm getting advice right now. I think, too, if you ever meet somebody and you're like – and you feel like you can ask them a question and you can't wait to hear the answer, then be with that person. Wow, that's cool. So say that again because I was picking my nose. So a good test of, like, whether you someone is if you ask them a question for advice and you can't wait to hear what they're going to say. But a lot of people think that about me and Jake.

Yeah, but – What do you mean? The podcast. Oh, yes. I love that advice. That's another Van Veen snipe. R2V2. Ask someone a question.

If you can't wait to hear it. But my problem is that I feel like that every single day about a million different people. I've never said anything I don't mean. When I tell somebody I like them, when I tell someone I love them, when I tell somebody I want them, I fucking mean it. But I just don't mean it for very long. What's preventing you from engaging? Being committed. From being engaged.

Because there's somebody else I could do that with. That big moment of like, hey, I can't wait to hear what you have to say. So it's like you have ADD for people. Yeah, people ADD. Well, you're saying the- Pad. Pad. I think for Jake, and for a lot of people probably, the best part of the relationship

is the first week and a half. Yeah. So why stay with someone for longer than that when you can just get that first week and a half over and over and over? You know, it is like – I think we talked about this before. We compared it to dieting. And it's like it's great. You have that week and a half. But like the longevity – over a course of many years, it's like, oh, I feel bad and shallow and nothing.

And then – but dieting, even though it doesn't have immediate benefits, it's like looking at your life, you're like, I generally feel better. I'm going to enjoy my life more. I'm eating a salad now, which gives me less gratification than eating a cheeseburger. But the flip side of it is I'm going to feel healthier in the long run and live a longer life. You guys talk a lot about salads versus cheeseburgers. All we do is talk about food.

We're starving. Somebody called in or emailed in the other day. It's like four out of the five titles of your podcast are food. Remember that quote from Mad Men a few seasons back where that girl. You only like the beginnings of things. Yes. It was so good. I almost got that tattooed over my butterfly.

It was so perfect. Like the woman leaves Don and she's like, you only like the beginning of things. Yes, it was so good. I almost got that tattooed over my butterfly. It was so perfect. Like the woman leaves Don and she's like, you only like the beginning of things. And it's like, yes, that's a lot of people. Right, definitely. That really spoke to me. And also, two weeks ago, Betty said, I forget exactly what it was, but like,

she doesn't know that loving you is the worst way to be close to you or something like that. Like, yes, fuck no. Just like knock out lines. Man, that's a fucking good show. A lot of ladies usually give Don these one-line singers that really reveal a lot about himself and he's always

taking it back. He's like, oh, yeah, I guess that's true. Anyway, I'm going to go fuck a stranger now. Right. I mean, that's a problem. You have this seemingly good thing like, oh, it's easy for me to have sex, but then it's kind of a curse because if you can have sex too much,

you sort of don't want to stop doing it. Right. That's like when you can eat cheeseburgers and your metabolism is so fast. Why stop eating cheeseburgers? You've got to stop talking about cheeseburgers. You've got to seize the cheeseburger. Seize the cheeseburger.

Seizeburger the cheeseburger. There's bacon on the cheeseburger, right? Is there anything to, if you're in your 20s, this type of life is fine, and then the older you get, the sadder it becomes, or is it equally sad at any age? I think that's pretty true. It's getting sadder for me, 100%. But you're not, you're what, 28?

27. Okay, that's not crazy. So when does it become sad? I think it's just now, actually. Holy shit. Today. June 10th. Just 2013.

It actually coincides with when Ricky remembers his middle name. Every three years it becomes sad. If you're a guy in New York, like in your late 20s, early 30s, it's, yeah. I think that's what's considered the prime like being able to go out and you know people and you have a little money and you, you know, I think it's, I think you're fine. I wouldn't start freaking out at 27. Cool.

Yeah. Crisis averted. Thank God. But on your 33rd birthday. Anyway, I'm not changing at all, ladies. Email the show. I'll forward it to my own person. How'd you like to kiss a monster?

That's the tagline to Monsters, Inc. too. Monsters University. That was a, that's our time. That took us over the limit. Cool. Do I get a plug? Yeah. Let's do it.

Anything you want. We'll cut it out. Coffee Town, the movie, is on demand everywhere in select theaters july 9th stars ben schwartz who you guys obviously know yeah you guys our audience probably knows him uh glenn howerton steve little adrian plicky friday night lights josh groban jake johnson it's gonna be a real star cast july 9th download it you'll enjoy it how do they get how do they find it it's on everywhere every cable system any website you go to we'll have it Xbox Amazon iTunes

you know 100% you guys should do it it's a funny movie seize the cheese and download it you guys seize the cheese why would you not be downloading this movie

seize the cheese means stealing your parents credit card wait it's July 9th July 9th July 9th coffee town thanks so much Ricky for being our first guest

this was great thanks for having me dude you should come back anytime like we need real advice just like snipes that's crazy Thanks so much, Ricky, for being our first guest. This was great. Thanks for having me. Dude, you should come back. Anytime we need- Real advice. Just like, Snipes. That's crazy. That middle name.

The middle name killed it. The one-line advice about when you know if you like a girl killed it. Holy shit. Can I have a promotion, sir? More than anything else, I'd love a raise and a promotion. I'm going to ask you on the air, put you on the spot. I really feel I deserve it. Ricky says no right away.

With the same urgency that he said. Holy shit, we'll edit that out. All right, let's play another. We're still receiving intro slash outro music. You guys are submitting your theme song suggestions. Same email, if I were you show at gmail.com. Musicians, submit it. The first one was from Jesse Gold, and this last one is from someone named Chris who calls himself Dimension Bucket,

so we'll use that to play us out. Thanks so much for listening, everyone. IfIwereyoushow at gmail.com, and the show is If I Were Your Show. Well, I don't know what I'm saying. Fuck off with that. Bye. With that.

Listen to these people. Listen to what they have to say about your crazy situation that's ruining your day this is what i do if i were you