Segments - 60: Butthole (with Thomas Middleditch)

Episode Date: February 10, 2014

In this episode actor/comedian/friend/lover Thomas Middleditch joins us to discuss jealousy, intelligence, and buttholes. This episode is brought to you by NatureBox -- Delicious/nutritious snacks delivered to your home! Check them out: http://bit.ly/1idZxFp See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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that first box it's just 10 to sample out five snacks so if you're looking for a way to get snacks for yourself or as a cool gift highly highly recommended very much um i don't want to be a be a jerk but you gave me you gave me a courtesy laugh what are you talking about when i said you do you you said and then you you went right into the pitch so you're calling it back i think everybody out there if you're listening at home why don't you pause it no pause it rewind to my you do you and then see if amir didn't give me a courtesy laugh i'd like to hear about it over twitter I'd like to hear about it over Twitter. I'd like to hear about it over Instagram. I'd like to hear about it over Instagram.

Yeah, I think you could screen cap the exact moment that I got that courtesy laugh, which, honestly, that shook me to my core. I've never had you, this loser, pity me. You snapped my ego in half like it was a goddamn twig. Thank you, I guess. I really appreciate that. But how are we going to make this offer more appealing to you? Well, if you do order NatureBox, send us that receipt, and we will give you a shout-out next time we plug NatureBox.

Don't believe us. Jay, watch. Just ask. Nicholas C. Aaron C. Mike L. Clay T. Robert C. Patrick K. time we plug nature box don't believe us jay watch just ask nicholas c aaron c mike l clay t robert c patrick a usa a dan s juan dariel sheldon e amanda q oh oh that cute doesn't look like i'm a bad reader you didn't have to put a period after that's what it is an o a capital o with a period after jordan T. Joel T. Patrick G. Brent M.

Daniel M. Those are a lot of people because- And there was a period after Daniel M, but not after Brent M. So it does seem like you put the period in there just to fuck with me. Weird. I will say that. Weird that you're calling me out on that. Out of all these names, only one, two, three, four, five, six of them have periods. And one of them happened to be the one that you were sure I was going to get.

It is insane how I'm being put on blast for doing this work for you. This is a very, very, very early blast for this episode. So one more time, go to naturebox.com slash ifireyou to just check out their snacks. Please, please, please enjoy. And please enjoy this episode. One of our favorites, Thomas Middleditch was on. Oh, my God. He brought it. Things actually ended up getting.

Actually, yeah. It's so weird. Because usually it's just us two. But now that we it just i don't know i don't know if you uh yeah i think if you listen you'll find for yourself yeah it actually did become real all right If you're having problems in your day and night There's something that you want to know Send in an email To if I were you, sure If you want great wisdom

They possess the key They are beasts in that regard I'll show you how to seize the cheese This is the end This is the end There are no rules There are no rules Yeah, you suck. Hey, Thomas Middleditch is here. Hi. I wanted to throw you in because you were like the kind of polite guest that doesn't talk until you're introduced, it seemed. That felt right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wanted to get to you right, right, right quick before we even said anything else.

Yeah, I'm a gentleman when it comes to the mic. Have you done a lot of podcasts? Yeah, motherfucker, I'm a gentleman on the mic. Yo, bitch. Wait, can we curse and say B words? Yeah, you can say B words, you can say F words, as long as you don't say the C word, the A word, the D word, the Y word, yo, bitch. Wait, can we curse and say B words? Yeah, you can say B words, you can say F words, as long as you don't say the C word, the A word, the D word, the Y word, or any number in between 1 and 19.

What's the Y word? Yams. You yam? I'm going to bleep that. Get off the street, you yam. You yam? You yam. Have you done a lot of podcasts?

I wouldn't say a lot, but I've done a few't say a lot but i've done a few i've done a handful let's say under 10 would you say your fair share yes would you say it's been a fair share yeah it's been a fair share and i've never seen it i'd say it's over 10 under 20 really so in the teens yeah that's an unfair share you lied to me well you know our unfair share podcast. This is a shitty table that we're on, right? Guys, don't lean on the tape. Don't touch the table. Don't say table.

We're still trying to figure out our setup. This is a new space for us. You're our first guest in our new home. I love this new home. I love this Miranda. You specifically said it wasn't a Miranda. It has to at least be a veranda, right? It's definitely a blank-er-anda. Wait, it's a veranda, not a Miranda. It has to at least be a veranda, right? It's definitely a blank-a-randa. Wait, it's a veranda, not a Miranda.

A veranda. Miranda's a woman. I feel like a veranda, this is an enclosed veranda. A veranda is a closed veranda. I watch a lot of HGTV. I watch a lot of design shows. I like Rehab Addict with Nicole. What a gem.

Oh, my God. She restores those houses to their former luster. I'll call this a solarium, I think it is. I like solarium. Oh, solarium, yeah. It is because it's a sunroom. It's a room encased by just glass windows. Yeah. It's weird that we're naked, though.

Well, it's not weird that me and Amir are naked. Yeah, we're usually naked. It's weird that there's another person here that's naked. It's weird that you were willing to do it. Solidarity, man. You suggested it. Let's get nude is what you said as you walked into our door for the first time. You took off your hat, your jacket, and then you just kept going.

You know, I go to a lot of Korean bathhouses. And I wish that were a joke. Is that true? Yeah, baby. You got to go down to Kore that true? Yeah, baby. You gotta go down to Koreatown. Yeah, baby. Now that you're here, now that you're here in LA, go down to Koreatown and really... When do what?

Just get nude. Go in the hot tubs. Go in the cold tubs. Go in the saunas. The steam rooms. Naked? Yeah, baby. What's a Korean bath house?

I've heard of Russian bath houses. They're very similar, but you just got a lot more Asian guys there. Oh, so it's just... Which has, for me, always been missing from the Russian bathhouse. Thank you. I miss my little Asian dudes. Yeah, your little Korean men. Where are my Koreans at?

How many Korean guys have seen your dick? I'd say more than I have. More than podcasts. More than your fair share? Yeah, plenty, I would say more than I have. More than podcasts. More than your fair share. Yeah, plenty, I would say. So this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me and Jake. So what we do is we accept reviews. You're explaining this to Thomas and the audience right now, right?

Yeah, at the same time. People email us at ifirewishow at gmail.com. We come through the submissions of people who are asking for advice, and we do our best to offer it to them. Okay. Sometimes it's just us, and sometimes we have a guest, and we're honored to have you. You had a question. What was it?

Do they know that they're asking advice? Yes. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no, no. These are just emails from my mom. Do they know what they're doing, or are you raping them with your advice? Are they aware that life is here? No, did you announce?

Did they know that they're asking? They're not asking anything specifically to me. They're just asking it to the ether. Oh, right, yeah, exactly. We're going to do our best. They're like, we're saying, hey, we're here. Do you have a problem? And they're emailing us their problems.

Have you ever heard the show Car Talk? Yeah, I love it. Me too. And that's what this podcast is, except for real problems. And also there are other advice podcasts but i just love car talk yeah on the scale on the scale now not in between 119 because we're not allowed to use those numbers but on a scale a number 20 through 30 yeah or maybe an alphabetical scale um are we supposed to answer genuinely or ingenuinely or a mix of fun? Oh, I love that. Oh, God.

It's so, it's really, you have like a childhood, a boyish quality. It's like a mix of fun. Yes, I think that's the way to do it. I think it's going to be a mix of fun because I feel like people genuinely have problems. Yeah, I want to be able to answer. So we can definitely make fun of them. But at the end of the day, they do want advice. They want some laughs and they want some advice and they want laughs while they get the advice that's right so i think just a mix of fun okay you nailed it uh so what we do is we read

these real emails from real people but we give them fake names to preserve their anonymity i feel like you'd be good with coming up with fake names sometimes our guests are good at that kind of stuff oh i'd love to okay so let me tell you if this first one is from a lady or a boy. This first one is from a guy, and let me color him a little. He's sort of all business. So this guy's like all business. So what should his name be? Mr. Foxtail.

What's his first name? James. Mr. James Foxtail? Yeah. All right. JF, let's do it all right buckle up ready yes mr foxtail go to it james foxtail writes hey boys i'm currently in the third week of a new relationship she's all the things i like in a woman she's pretty she's smart but not quite as smart as me which is key we've only been we've only. We've only been dating for three weeks.

We've only been dating for three weeks and things have been going well. But there are a couple of problems. Number one, she likes me way more than I like her. She's disappointed if we don't hang out every day and she texts me that she misses me when we don't. She's so constantly using emojis with hearts in the text. I mean, I like her, but I'm not in love with her and and I don't miss her when I'm not seeing her for a couple days. I still like having my space and time apart. Number two, she's going away to China for a semester in a couple weeks.

She's going away to China for a semester in a... She's going away to China for a semester abroad in a couple weeks. That was written in the thing, though. That's not... We were having trouble with it. I'm reading it verbatim. Okay, going away to China. Going to China for a semester abroad for a couple weeks.

I won't see her for four months. That will be twice as long as we'll have been seeing each other by the time she leaves. When she's gone, I know that I won't want to stay exclusive. Four months is a long time to be tied to someone you can't even be with when you haven't developed strong feelings for them yet. At the same time, I can see that we have potential and that I could develop stronger feelings for her when she comes back. I don't want to break up with her now because I still like her and I want to spend time with her while I have the chance. And I don't want to spoil the chances of getting back together with her when she comes back by telling her that I want to see other people

when she's gone. But I know I'll feel guilty if I don't because she likes me enough already that she would stay faithful for me while she was abroad. What would you do? Love, James Foxtail. So...

Sounds like a personal problem. That's the answer to every question on our show. My bow tie spins around. This podcast is called Sounds Like a Personal Problem. Jeez Louise. Sounds like a personal problem. You just spit a salamander. Did I do it?

Did I birth it? It came out of your mouth. Well, my favorite part was she's smart, but not as smart as me. Yeah, that's pretty funny. Which is key. Yeah. Which is key. I like my ladies to be as smart as humanly possible as long as they're still dumber than me, which is key.

Well, you know, I appreciate his honesty his honesty yeah it's very candid because you know you got to be honest i would i would suggest a little humility but um but let's be honest because how else can we solve the problem that's true do you guys prefer ladies who are smarter than you as smart as you or slightly dumber than you which is key no preference i think he was saying that it was key because it might be a fault like you say that's not a good thing you're giving him more credit than he deserves i would say it's always it's always a uh it's always a treat when they're smart when you feel like they're smarter than you yeah you know when you're like oh man this girl's running circles around me i love that that's

great that's true but also like you don't want somebody that's like i know it all i want somebody that's smarter than me. But then I feel like I'm an expert on certain things. If we're on a road trip, I'm like, oh, I know the highways. So you're like, yo, shut the fuck up, bitch. Oh, my God. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't, no, don't, no.

I'm serious. I know you're serious. No, no, no, no, no. So I'm saying, shut the fuck up, bitch. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm serious. No, no, no, I'm serious. I know you're serious. That's why we're offended. You're saying serious, shut the fuck up, bitch. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm serious. No, no, no, I'm serious. I know you're serious.

That's why we're offended. You keep saying serious, but then a bad thing. It's so weird how sometimes saying I'm serious like exempts you from the situation. No, no, no, come on, I'm serious. No, I know. We didn't think you were joking. I think the problem is that you are serious. Yeah.

No, but I am serious. Not about the shut the fuck up bitch part, but like the ebb and the flow of the smarts. You kind of want to feel like a dynamic. Well, it's not the ebb and the flow. It's that you want to be better than her at some things and you want her to be better or smarter than you at something. Well, it's not a better or worse thing. I'll say smarter or less smart.

Yeah, but I think everybody needs to look up to somebody and everybody needs to feel like they're looked up to in a relationship. No one wants to be condescended. Yes. Which this dude is to this chick. This girl likes to keep... She uses heart emojis. She would be faithful to me, but I don't want to be faithful to her. I'm smarter than she is.

So should he sacrifice this four months of China abroad time and basically should he break up with her because he's not going to be faithful to her for four months or should he stay with her while she's in China so that he can have a relationship when she gets back? If you're questioning if you can be faithful, especially at the beginning of a relationship, yeah, what are you doing?

Right. He sounds like he's in college. He's talking about semester. Yeah. Why would you even enter into some weird thing? First of all. Especially with a girl who you think is kind of dumb. To anyone in college right now, anybody in college, if you're with somebody,

break up with them. You should all be single. No, no. If you're under 24 years old, you should be fucking everybody you possibly can. And then at age 24? At age 24, settle down.

It's time. It's time. I think you can definitely find love and have that whole thing, but it sounds like you may be conflicted. And there's nothing wrong with being conflicted.

The point is, and here's what I've learned through time and space mostly space mostly space i got some money i is be honest be honest with yourself and the the lady or boy or whoever just be honest honestly the best policy what do you think about about this theory that the beginning of the relationships shit should be the best so like at do you think about this theory that the beginning of the relationship, shit should be the best. So like, at the beginning, if things aren't amazing,

they're only gonna get worse. They never start out mediocre and then heat up. And you grow to love someone. I think that could potentially happen. Let me submit. Okay.

Let me submit. You can postulate now. This guy, this is not a unique problem. He's starting to date someone who's planning on going away. It's very normal to just date her up until the point she goes away and then they break up and then like we'll see what happens when they're back exactly i think i think it would be poor form on her part to hold that against him i mean she has to realize the reality of the situation right

she's going to china which is going to be a great experience there's tons of um dudes there's tons of elegance and expats literally billions there are a lot of guys in china they are clamoring for women they need chicks yo you should you should try to get your girl not to go to china there's a lot of dick in china right now a lot of d a lot of d there's a lot of D in China. Perfect. Thank you. You know what? I'll speak very truthfully. In Mandarin right now. I'll speak in Mandarin. You know what?

Let me speak in fake Mandarin. Sure. Some guy. Sure. Some guy. Say it. Okay. The thing is, I dated someone for a very long time, and the things that I thought might

be a problem in the beginning ended up being a problem in the end. Because they grow. And they're just part of the person. Right. So you got to just go with your gut on stuff like that. Either you accept that person, or you think, hey, that's a thing for me. The Motajis are a deal breaker. Emojis.

I got it. Emojons. I'm shorting it. Emoji. Got it. All right. Emojis. They are a deal breaker.

No, T. Go ahead. Okay. Emojis. Emojis. Her okay Emoji they are a deal breaker go ahead okay Emoji her favorite movie is I don't know what's the bad one Sex and the City 2 and it's the bad movie

you know that bad one that came out three years ago yeah I'm with the time so you're saying there are like things that are

that in the beginning that you can see that they're deal breakers yeah if you want to call them a deal breaker they're just things that you're like that's part of breakers. Yeah, if you want to call them a deal breaker. They're just things that you're like, that's part of the person. And ideally, those are the things

that you love about the person, right? Right. I remember getting into relationships where like, oh, a girl's like, you can't decide what you want on the menu. That's so cute about you. Like you're indecisive between... Wait, you can't decide what's on the menu?

That's such a feminine problem. No, I'm notecisive, like, between... Wait, you can't decide what's on the menu? I can't decide. That's such a feminine problem. No, I'm not talking about me specifically. I always know what I want. But I do order it and then I change a couple things.

So by the end of it, it's something really different. I just make sure there's... And I get the dressing on the side, but yeah. But say, like, you know, you see something cute like that, you're like, oh my god,

it's so cute how you, like, don't know if you want a sandwich or a salad. And then, like, three months into the relationship, you're like, just fucking decide. i don't like this anymore the cute the cute quirky issues that are cute at the beginning terrible uh annoyances later on but that's that that being said if the cute stuff like the uh the emojis are shitty in the beginning then it's only

gonna get worse well that's what i said maybe the the beginning things should be the best because they only get worse over time yeah but is that true well you know it also depends on what your what your intentions are you are you is this man intending to just date someone or like find the love of his life because for me i went through some times where i was just sort of like dating people not that is not necessarily for the permit for permanence but just like but dating you know and when you kind of come to some conclusion you could just like uh you accept people for what they are and i've dated like you know ex- when you kind of come to some conclusion, you could just like, uh, you accept people for what they are. And I've dated like, you know, ex sorority girls who I, in my, in me, me, if you know me, you'd be like, what, what? So wait, they didn't role play. Yeah, they didn't, they never even dreamed of going to a Ren fair, but I did, you just accept them. And once you

kind of like accept them and don't can that judgment element element of you and sort of like recognize someone for who they are, you know, you can find yourself meeting some pretty cool people but you know you got to break that barrier that's what i feel like that's what that's really poignant information that that's why we have guests on the show because they're usually more smart and poignant than we are that's sort of my problem i feel like i will i'm very judgmental and i won't even give people a chance to start with me because i'm i know they could do something day one that like turns you off forever yeah exactly like the girl that did a magic trick for you you were like forget this yeah i will i can't yeah i'm like i write her off

right now but maybe but that's the thing like should i do what's the point in me at age 30 bothering to date someone that i know for a fact i will never marry. You have to go on that journey of what you want out of it all. So I have to just, I have to enjoy the ride of dating someone. And then like I date them for what, three months, four months, and then break up with them because I know I'm not going to, like at what point do I just cut my losses? But also maybe it's just a journey of figuring out what you like. I mean, have you ever sort of accepted, dated, and celebrated a girl who, like,

you know, talks like a valid girl, is totally precious about, like, where's Uggs, like all this great stuff? You may find, like, if she's sweet to you, you know, if you guys find that common ground that you guys get along with, maybe it's like, ah, I don't know, she's kind of ridiculous, but I like her, and she'd probably say the same thing about you. That's really true. She's got, like, she has a passion in her life, and you can connect with that because you're passionate about things.

Right. There's got to be a common ground. I'm not saying just like, right, random, but you never know. I do think, yeah, you could be more open. Yeah, no, I could obviously be more open. But I find myself in situations like this guy where it's like, okay, I'm dating this person. I don't necessarily, I'm not in love with them. So what's the point of continuing to going out with them?

Shouldn't I just break – like this guy is going to break up with this girl when she moves to China. Well, I guess if you're – now that you're 31, so you probably – there is a point of breaking up with them if you don't know. If you're like – if you're not – I think your gut is a good instinct. If you're not feeling it, then get out. But what if I'm not feeling it day one? Then – Well, I mean, if you're not feeling it. if you've met at the bar and you walk away from that conversation you're like that person sucked like why force it right there sucked and then

there's like oh that was pretty good what do i do with pretty good go for it a little bit it's an internal it's a switch you gotta flip on of just being like i'm gonna find the cool part about this person i'm gonna celebrate it and you know you may not date this person for more than a month that's okay but you walk away from it being like wow i like found common ground in someone that was that's like that's the improviser in you that's the person you like want to hit that stride you want to like feel that that's it most people don't have that well look it's easier said than done and i'm like you know but you like that's a life thing that you could do with friends with people like you think of it as like a puzzle like a challenge like i

i want to find the thing that like sets this person off and like shows me them and their element. What's the game of this relationship? And sweep at it. Yeah, I don't know. You know, it's something that I learned from other people. Like I got a couple of friends who are just sort of like, yeah, man. They make friends with everybody. They accept people for who they are.

You look at their roster of friends and it's from all walks of life. When I look at mine, I'm like, they're pretty much all plaid shirt wearing. Have you ever been to Burning Man? Have you been to Burning Man? I think we should go. Not for me. Fuck those guys.

I really think that. I was at Burning Man this year. I think you would dig it, actually. For me, the heat, the desert. Yep. Oh, yeah. Are you sure you're not Jewish? Oy, and then you can't shower, you can't sleep.

There's no bagel shop. There actually is a bagel shop now. Einstein's brothers are out there. There's bagels there. I'm serious, guys. Well, look, I'll throw down a maybe. I don't know. Camping, I wish i could be a camper i

end up never can i never never being one you can't get into it i go out there a lot of gusto and then i come out being like uh the bugs there's too many bugs in 30 in like 13 minutes yeah i think i'm more of i'm an adventurous sort but there's a moth in your car and you just stayed at home uh so did we answer this guy's specific question what should he do i say if he's if he's on the I'm an adventurous sort, but I'm more of a B&B guy. There was a moth in your car and you just stayed at home. So did we answer this guy's specific question? What should he do? I say if he's on the fence at this point and he's going to break up with her before she goes to China, just break up with her now. And I say there's no harm in dating her up until the point when she goes to China, but I wouldn't lead her on and say stay faithful to me while you're in China.

Right. I say just hang out with her until the end if you like her a little bit. Yeah, I lean towards Jake. I say have a conversation with her, be like, look, I like you. I think you're great. You're moving to China. I'm in college.

Let's date. We'll be dating. And then when you go, you'll be gone. And then when you get back, let's see if it's still there. Have you done a relationship that turned into a long-distance relationship? Weirdly, no, but I've done like eight relationships

that have started long-distance. And then they became non-long-distance? No. They just started and ended long-distance. Yeah, and like, you know, they would like visit or it would be like, you know, pepperings. But like, yeah, my conclusion is long-distance. If it's long- long distance and there hasn't

been like years into the relationship and a definitive end to the long distance yeah fuck it move on it's not worth it it really isn't why are you looking like that is your girlfriend there do you have a girlfriend do you have a she lives she live in new york why was that look the look between you. I don't know what the look was. That was so knowing. That was the most knowing call. You shot daggers out of your eyes. Who, me or Jake?

Koi daggers. Both of you guys looked at each other like, Hey, I'm Koi daggers. Koi daggers, private eye. Yeah, well that's, yeah, whatever. But what do I know? Yeah. I mean, it's easier said than eye. Yeah, well, that's, yeah, whatever. But what do I know? Yeah.

I mean, it's easier said than done. You can say, oh, long distance relationships are stupid. And then it's like, uh-oh, I've fallen in love with someone who lives far away from me. And I don't have the fortitude to not be in a relationship with her based on just the fact that I've created this rule that I shouldn't be in a long distance relationship. Well, okay. Two things. You're going to hear the Radiolab story where it all worked out and you're going to, shouldn't be in a long distance relationship. Well, okay. Two things. You're going to hear the Radiolab story where it all worked out and you're going to like cry in your car.

Right. But my experience has shown when you're long distance, you don't have the physical reminder of what the person is like, right? This person is an abstraction in your mind. You talk to them on the phone, Skype, chat, whatever, but you don't have physical time together. So you can fill in all the gaps in terms of what this person is. Make them perfect.

There is no such thing as perfection. It's catfish. It's catfish all day, baby. You're catfishing yourself. You're catfishing yourself. You're willingly making this person like, you know. Yo, let this bitch go to China. Cut it loose.

Yo, let her eat all that damn song shit, man. She'll have fun. She should be free anyway yeah that's true think about her yeah for once in your goddamn life mr mr foxtail let her find someone that's slightly less intelligent than her um all right maybe i'm too smart for you all right let's get to another question. We need another dude's name. Kurt Smelt. Kurt Smelt. That's a strong name.

A lot of consonants in there. It's a hard one. Kurt Smelt. Kurt Smelt. Databasing analyst. Where is he from? Idaho, Boise, Idaho. Boise, Idaho.

Idaho, Texas. Boise, Idaho, Texas. BC, Canada. Ukraine. PO Box 1. First one ever made. That's what we say over here in Boise. All right.

Kurt Smelt writes, let me start off by saying I'm a jealous boyfriend. I am, and I just can't help it. The problem lays here. This guy who used to be a close friend of mine is trying to give my girlfriend a Nintendo 3DS. If it was a T-shirt or something little, it wouldn't bother me. But a $200 3DS? That's too far. Not to mention that we used to be close friends but we stopped being

friends because of my girlfriend i love my girlfriend but this is really taking a toll on me and ultimately the relationship we fought about this before is it worth continuing to fight over or should i just drop it thank you kurt smelt boise idaho texas ukraine bc canada you know Boise, Idaho, Texas, Ukraine. BBC Canada. You know, it's a tricky one. Jealousy is a nasty beast. Jealousy in the air tonight, I could tell. It's beautiful. Thank you. It's Drake.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. Why? I'm crying, and my water broke, and it's everything at once. You're soaking wet. I'm fucking filthy.

Face to pussy. That's it. Yo soaking wet I'm fucking filthy face to pussy that's it yo I'm making girls wet face to pussy yo uh face to pussy mainly cause I time my sad stories

with their pregnancy uh ow waiting for the girls water to break before telling a sad story yo when my father

died oh no I'm pregnant it's coming here it comes just leaking from every open hole baby i got an air infection here here i say hey okay two things man i got so many you're good and you're fucking ready to go two things let's do it let's do it. Let's do it. I used to be a jealous Julie.

Really? Preach. Yeah, it really got. I mean, I would get jealous over very, very little tiny things. Okay. Really internal, really emotional and stuff like that. So what happened? Well.

He's got two things. Well, this is the one. This is still talking about the one thing. One, jealousy is something that you have to master internally. You have to actively get over your jealousy. You have to say to yourself, I can't control the other person. Because truly you can't. Even if you chain them up, they're still going to think their thoughts.

You can't actually control them. So you have to surrender to the idea of they might go fuck someone else. You have to just accept that that might be a thing. But don't, I mean, what are you going to do? If they're in that place where they want to go do that, what do you want to be in that anyway? That's true. So you just surrender and control.

It's called trust. You just say, I let go of this jealousy. What comes, what comes. And it's tough. Man, that took a long time for me to learn that. But that's how you get over it. You're in your late 20s or early 30s now? I'm 31 years old now.

That's the thing. March 10th, guys. Come on. I want birthday e-cards. Good man. Good man. Birthday e-cards. I want them.

I want them to be funny. I want them to be about Christmas. I want e-cards. You guys heard it here. All right? I want a cute one that says, to my favorite grandson, and the grandson is crossed out and it says friend.

That's adorable. But that is the kind of shit that you learn as you get older, because I was also a jealous 18-year-old. So jealous. Well, you just become more secure in yourself. Well, I don't think it's necessarily becoming more secure, because I don't think I'm more secure. I think so. Listen listen oh i'm me nobody else is me good luck

trying to find another guy like that yeah i guess i'm slightly more more secure but you also have to realize that you that it i guess you become self-aware and you're like in you you fall in love with someone you're like i want to look good in their eyes. And what looks good about jealousy? Yeah. The last thing I like, even if I was jealous, even if I was so fucking insecure, I wouldn't say anything to the girl that I liked because then she's like, oh, my boyfriend is a bitch. Right. My boyfriend's a loser. It's a spiral.

My biggest fear is my girlfriend thinking I'm a little bitch. Right. So I'm like, hey, you're going out with your friends or you're gonna fucking kiss one of them or something and then and then she's like you know what dude she was all of a sudden she's like yeah you know what fucking maybe you suck but before she's like i'm going out with my friends i'm like yo have fun and she's like she goes out she's like okay my boyfriend's cool everything's cool i'm not gonna cheat on him trust is very attractive trust is yeah and i'll tell you you know, you know what's a big learning lesson? Is when you come up against jealousy yourself.

So if this guy, he's a jealous guy, he's a jealous guy. Say in a weird world this relationship doesn't work out. He dates someone else and that girl is a really jealous person. He's going to get some pretty big perspective on how that is to have it back at you. Yeah, which is the worst. It's like, oh, why don't you trust me? Why are you mad me why are you mad i have to be jealous about anything you're ah you're ruining this yeah here's my second thing second thing let's go there are people out there that that abuse that abuse your trust like there's people that make you i'm a very secure person but there's

people out there that would make me jealous so it would make me kind of like second guess their things it's little things it's here and there that would make me jealous. They would make me kind of like second guess their things. It's little things. It's here and there. That would make me go like, what? What? Why? Why are you making this? But that's like their game, right?

They want. It's their game. You mean relationship wise? Yeah, yeah. If I were a dating man, I'm not. Ladies, sorry to break all your hearts. And some of your farts. And some of your farts.

But enjoy my tarts. Oh, God. By the way, thanks enjoy my tarts. Oh, God. By the way, thanks for the tarts. Yeah, no problem. Those were amazing. That raspberry Linzer tart. And did you like the lemon marmalade? But the point is, now that in my secure state, because I've accomplished number one, I can

see the number two girls, the poo-poo girls, who make me jealous. I can go, you're not worth my time. That's an element of something that I deem unworthy for my time. If you're the type of person that's kind of like, does these little things that doesn't inspire trust,

then I don't want it. Fuck this. I don't need this. I'm better than that. That doesn't necessarily answer this. I'm not telling this guy to be like, yo, did you go French? You got a Nintendo 3DS, bro.

I will say, well, you are helpful because it seems like he's resigned to the fact that he's jealous and it's like an affliction that he can't cure. Where he's like, I'm a jealous boyfriend. Listen, that's just who I am. I'm an angry, petty guy. That's what's gonna happen anyway.

Which goes back to what Thomas says. I think it's about perspective. And I think that this guy, I wouldn't mind giving him a little bit of perspective here. There is a dude out there that spent $200 on your girlfriend. And he doesn't get to fuck her. He's a loser. Yeah, yeah.

He sucks. Yeah. What that dude did is go out and he was like, I'll never be able to fuck this girl. I'm going to spend money and give her, like, play the 3DS. Tell your girlfriend, this is hilarious. I'm going to play the 3DS. And just like, that 3DS is your girlfriend this is hilarious i'm gonna play the 3ds and just like that 3ds is your 3ds okay this dude make him eat shit it doesn't matter like he don't you cannot be worried about some dude that's out there buying gifts for your girlfriend and but but let me put a butt in

there now please as an adult okay i realize that my girlfriend has other friends, right? Friends from her life, right? And even if, so say they're friends that we both share, say they're friends that are only part of her life. Imagine if someone gave her a gift, I'd be like, man, that's so cool. Like, what a cool thing that that person gave to you. Like, if I wanted to give a girl, like I have girlfriends that aren't my girlfriend. Right. What if I wanted to give them a really nice birthday gift i'm really close to them i want to give them a nice birthday gift i don't want their boyfriend being like hey man don't fucking give her a dental to you unless you give her another test i'm gonna fucking

smash your face i'd be like chill man i've known her longer than you right something like that you know right that's true you got to be chill, because everyone's friends, and just because I buy her a thing, like, maybe picture it from that guy's view, like, just because he buys her a thing doesn't mean I wanna fuck her. I just like, yo, I know that she likes Zelda, she's gotta play this thing, check it out.

So in general, be chill, don't be jealous, and trust your lady. Right, and the more jealous you are, the more chill you have to be. Fake it. Just write into our podcast. Don't say anything to the girl ever. Right.

Because it's sort of like a spiral because the more jealous you are that your girlfriend will cheat on you, the bigger of a loser you are, the more likely she becomes that she cheats on you. And in the end, if she does, you just have to be like, well, that was it. I mean, that was the thing. Right. If she cheats on you, then you're, you know what? You were just like, all right, fuck this.

You are a victim. You didn't do anything wrong. That's it. That's fine. It's an, you know, that's a thing that will just, that would have just happened. Right. But you're, you're wishing and willing and spending all that emotional time trying to make it not happen.

It doesn't matter. It would happen anyway. That's option two. Uh, kick the shit out of this dude. trying to make it not happen, it doesn't matter. It would happen anyway. Option two, kick the shit out of this dude. With the 3DS. I think you break his teeth with the 3DS. Yeah, you say you want to play, here's a game we can play.

Yeah, you're the boss at the end of the level, and you hit him really hard in the temple with the console. Yeah, and then your girlfriend is so turned on by this act of mail. I swear to God, if you knock him out in one punch, it makes her wet. I've been there. I've been there.

I'm a little chub just thinking about it right now. I can see that. Yeah, well, I was half hard when I walked into the room, but yeah. She's still half hard? That was 20 minutes? No, it won't go all the way up. It actually hasn't for quite some time. I gotta cut down on this whiskey.'t go all the way up. It actually hasn't for quite some time. I gotta cut down on this whiskey.

You ain't got the whiskey, D. Whiskey dick. I'm half masked. So we usually take a break around this point. I wanted to ask you what you had going on in your life. Oh, man. Since we only see you in our videos, and our fans only get to see you in our videos,

but they don't know the real you. They don't know the real me. They don't know what's going down. that you're in los angeles we've made a pact to be buds yeah i'm down we're done we're doing it we're doing it after this we're gonna go get a bite to eat we're gonna get dinner like three men do one taco each for seven minutes and then we power walk three different directions away from each other without paying yeah well i built in it i built a night an end table i built a bedside table i built doing some amateur furniture work i saw it i i saw it on uh instagram i saw what's your instagram oh yeah for all for all my friends yeah uh on twitter it's at middle ditch okay and then on instagram it's at tom beanie t-o-m-b-i-n-i

i would do a middle dish but it's just taken it was taken yeah i know what the fuck it was it was a great it was a great nightstand it was like some some brushed uh brushed paint like distressed a little bit i stained it and then i i aged it yeah i'm pretty pleased it looks like uh so it's like it's country chic little restoration harvest rustic it's urban rust it, yeah. Yeah, I'm pretty pleased. It looks like, it's country chic. Yeah. A little Restoration Hardware. It's rustic. It's urban rustic. It's like sort of French Chateau, I guess.

Yeah, yeah. It's Leon, it's Nice, it's the countryside. It's de Provence. Leon Bible. Post-Nouveau-Riche, pre-postmodern, sort of.

Do you feel more proud of the furniture that you've made than being cast in an HBO show? I'm serious, because I feel like there's a chance that I would. If I built a table and somebody's like, hey, congrats on your pilot deal,

I'd be like, actually, I built a table. Did you not see my Instagram? Yeah, I feel like that is sort of like... I am very happy with it. We were talking about this earlier i'm trying to cut down on video games speaking of 3ds right because when you're done with the video game you've just got a memory you've got a fleeting memory and look i'm still gonna always play nerd for life what up nfl nfl baby all that shit but in the end like you know cut it down and

then you have then you do maybe some woodworking or some kind of thing at the end of that you've got a physical thing it's there in your apartment yeah you like you basically created it out of nothing you almost like cheated life it's like a hack it's a game genie for life yeah it's the game genie for life hacks life hacks build furniture uh what is your hbo show the hbo show is called silicon, and it's about tech upstarts that have a hot new algorithm, and everybody wants it. But then they've got to figure out how they're going to really provide. And you're the star of the show. You're a very humble person to say.

It is an ensemble, but at the same time, you're at the very least one of the main guys in the ensemble. The algorithm is my character's brainchild but very quickly you're in the front you're in the center of the uh if that poster that i showed you guys is that's indicative then i might be in the center of five well it's hard is it hard are you like trying to not get so excited but you're still excited what's your mindset right now if the tv show comes out when april 6th april 6th right after fucking game of thrones and veep oh my god dude you're done it's it that's the crazy thing about uh this like this step for me is that like it's such an unequivocal win to go from first of all for the writers to be like this is our idea to like this is yeah this is the show then to casting and then to like the pilot and it's getting picked up it's so insane just like the fact the fact that your show is going to air is that's it

that's the best thing ever and it's still like oh i've got to be a little bit tepid because like people might not like it or people might love it and then it might get second season or whatever but the fact that it didn't die when somebody pitched it yeah yeah it's so miraculous itself is a miracle to even shoot a pilot is like miraculous. That in itself is a miracle. To even shoot a pilot is like miraculous. And that's the other thing. Like if you, I mean,

I'm sure you've shot tons of pilots that were great and they just didn't get picked up so nobody ever gets to fucking see them. Yeah, there's a lot of stuff that just goes into the ether.

Right, and that's it. But this is like going to air. It's got a series order. Yeah, you're going to see eight episodes on HBO. You showed me the poster. It's just five really, really, really funny people. How is it not going to be? Oh God HBO. You showed me the poster. It's just five really, really, really funny people.

How is it not going to be? Oh, God. That poster got me fucking amped. I didn't even know Kumail was in it. Yeah. Kumail, TJ Miller, Martin Starr, Zach Woods. These are a handful of the people. You know what's crazy?

And this is, to get somber, it's literally a dream come true. To be on a show with my friends yeah on hbo yeah like the white whale of netflix directed and created by mike judge and add nazium and it's just like what like the head writer has done curb and seinfeld it's just insane it's and now you're part of it. And now I'm part of it. And if it doesn't, you know, if people hate it, okay, bummer. So I have to hold on to that. You're going, even if everyone hates it, like you've gone out on a win.

If the world ended right now, everybody would be like, yeah, Middle Ditch went out on top. Like, that's it. Too bad about the Snooks. But how about Middle Ditch? He's on fire right now, huh? Literally, yeah. Guys, help. Regardless of what happens,

I see Dupes Part 4 in your future, at the very least. You gotta promise, man. Dupes is a weird beast, man. When you're A-list. You know what Dupes is? I love doing Dupes. It's so funny. I love what comes

out of it. It's so fun because he's such an insane yeah character but i got there's like a weird love hate thing i have with the fans man it's like everything from the naturally on the dupes thing it's like dupes hey penis all this stuff but i'll have like a i'll have like a picture like a really sweet picture of like me and my girlfriend the picture of your nightstand or something or her nephew rather. And like, somebody would be like, Hey penis,

Anthony. I'm like, what are you doing? What are you doing? And we feel a little bad, but also proud. All that means is they're, they're excited.

But like at the same time, you know, time and place, like, I don't know. Like, I'll have like, there'll be a preview for this,

you know, Silicon Valley. And they'll be like, dupes is here. And it's have, like, there'll be a preview for this, you know, for the Silicon Valley. And they'll be like, Dupes is here. And it's like, my name is Thomas Middleditch. I'm an actor. Dupes is a small thing on the resume. That's like the band that has, like, a whole album. And there's just one, like, goofy song that accidentally got famous.

I'm Ween, everyone. I wonder how much of it has to do with just the name the character name is a very fun it's a funny it's a fun character his name's the concept of it and that's this is a you guys you guys came up with the idea of the idea of a guy called penis anthony dublin yay but the thing that gets him is calling him dudes that's the best but now it's starting to become real because when they're yelling at you that on your instagram it's actually people calling you you're actually getting mad at it he's getting under my skin my name is thomas

i'm changing my name yet again to thomas middleditch whatever doobs have people yelled at you on the street um no no one's yelled up i haven't recognized from that you know from from dudes you know like i'll be at comedy festivals and like some you know it'll be like a 16 year old kid or something of course that's a dudes so oh hey man when we shot that when we shot that video we did we had no idea like how fucking funny it was gonna be and then we were editing it we're just dying laughing yeah and we're like please come back i even like the one it wasn't the last one not with schwartz it was the one before that we did an outtakes reel oh my god i was just like crying

and sweating from laughter it was also a hot room was that the deep like where you threw the dvd oh my god i fucking died i I love that. Never matter. Never matter. MTV Award winner! And like, even on the one with Schwartz we did like outtakes and stuff. That was that day, because I get reminded. I've seen, I re-watched them when I need to pick me up because they're so fun. Oh wow, thank you. Of like, you know, we were doing all that like,

hey, fatty burrito. Veggie gnar gnar. But on the outtakes it seemed so random. I was what the fuck is that am i supposed to laugh at that but we thought it was the best that's a i love that because like nobody when we like post those videos nobody knows how hard we crack up what we're doing like that's such a at the end of the day you're exhausted yeah your brain hurts right it's true. You're empty. I can't even talk to people. It's like, ah, I do not have the energy for this. Yeah, and the thing is, whenever I'm tired,

the dupes character has to be so high energy that I'm like, Jesus, where is he getting this from? Do you use that cadence for any other character that you do? The sort of, well, well, well, that thing. It's sort of like a Nickelodeon. Didn't you play a villain in a Nickelodeon movie? I didn't play a villain in a nickelodeon movie uh i didn't play a i didn't play a villain i just played sort of like a a guy who a sensitive guy who befriended a child so not a villain at all the opposite of a villain a hero um i that that

voice has probably come out in all kinds of improv scenes but no not an official character that is officially dudes that sweater i bought at a secondhand store, and I loved it. And I like it, but now I can't wear it. Oh, God. That would be amazing to see if a Dupes fan saw you in public in that shirt. You're wearing those short shorts from North Carolina or wherever they're from. Oh, yeah, from the play, from the one-man show. Next time we hang out, it'll be us three going on a hike

you're wearing the sweater and the short shorts the other thing actually I like the other when you're the uh I think it was the dupes too

when you did the acting scene it's a like you did some like genuinely powerful performance yeah yeah yeah you're sitting at the end

of the table like take your clothes off we're gonna make love tonight and the uh i killed her because i loved her like that's a bit a lot of those are bits that i've done outside of it but i was like this will be great for this i mean that's it's it's crazy dubes is it's he's actually a good actor yeah it's amazing well that's like the put for the um put the body down by the river is like uh it's a it's my it's been always been my bit of like, if I ever get a, like an Academy Award in life, right?

It'll be supporting actor. I'm the maniac. Right. And the scene they show for the clip will be like, where'd you put the body, Ronnie? She just wouldn't shut up. Where'd you put the body? I love her. I love her.

Where? I put the body in the river. You know, like crying wet from... Yes, dude. Love that shit. You're so funny that you're also just good at acting because you can do a character that's really good at acting so well. That means you're good at acting.

It's sort of like if you can do a really good Freddie Mercury singing impression, you're a great singer. Yeah, you're just a good singer. acting. It's sort of like if you can do a really good Freddie Mercury singing impression, you're a great singer. Yeah, you're just a good singer. Wow. That's kind. It's true, but it's kind. It's kind. It's kind.

Also, let me say this. This is like shameless promo stuff. In September, look out for this movie for your fans. Look out for this movie called Search Party. It's like a big rated R comedy. Yes, TJ Miller and Adam Pally from everything. up for this movie called search party it's like a big yes you and tj comedy yes tj miller and adam pally from from happy everything yeah happy ends and now mindy mindy project but uh yeah it's a big radar comedy i will be nude in it whoa frontal oh your peen my peen what's your non-jealous

girlfriend have to say about that she does she's okay with that i met her on that show on that filming that movie. Oh so it's all good. It's all good. She gets it. She's in the biz. It's a real movie. You know

Universal's putting it out there. Right. It's like if you're doing self-tapes for directors with your full frontal then it's not that great but then if it's like you're in a movie

it's fine. Don't worry. You know I went in for some post and I saw what they had out there. You got the ADR naked? I did. I went I did some ADR and I saw the nudity out. You got the ADR naked? I did. I went,

I did some ADR and I saw the nudity because I was like, let me just see what you're thinking of putting it in. And? Because I,

you know, I'm no fast bender, but I'm doing okay. I was really nervous because I'm jumping around, you know, it's like not flattering. Yeah,

how do you, you have to at least, you're at least conscious of the fact like, oh, I don't want a small dick in this scene. Yeah.

Which is possible. Did you like give yourself like a half chub before you went out. You know, you don't really have time. Like I'm covered in like fake cocaine and stuff. And like I'm underneath the trucks and stuff. You're like, okay,

should I be like the cover would pull over and be like, just keep it warm. You just got to keep it warm. That's it. Rolling out a string of silly buddy. Oh shit. Oh no, I'm coming.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. Ow, shit. Oh, no. I'm coming. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. Ow, ow, ow, ow. It always hurts. It always has to. That's acting.

That's how you know you got a good squirt. Awful. Awful. We're in a bit of a bind right now. We usually like to have these go 45 minutes. We're already over 45 minutes. We've only answered two questions. But it was a great episode. I i don't know do you want to just rapid fire it or do you want to yeah let's do quick quick one more question we can we can we can end it you make the call all

right one more question real quick i don't i don't want people to feel like we're getting short changed because it's such a good episode i'd hate to leave a sour taste in their mind um all right mine you know what this one is written by a british guy i think like you you should read it because ah you got the i feel like you can do a good funny british accent excellent so uh this one is written by give him a british name and then read that question this is from humphrey tidsman okay humphrey tidsman writes um i'm writing you from jolly old England with quite a predicament. I've recently moistened a relatively long dry spell.

We're talking Moses in the desert long. With a complete and utter tuppence, I'm punching well above my weight. We get along really this is unpunctuated. This is totally unpunctuated. It's a run on. I'm punching well above my weight.

We get along really well with this female, and we are currently in a friends with benefits situation. But I would like to tie this girl down both metaphorically and literally, if you know what I mean. I like ropes and shit. After a night of beverages, yes, she let it slip I like ropes and shit. After a knife of beverages, S,

she let it slip that getting her balloon knot licked sends her wild. Is this a thing? This is an action we've only got. Oh, Humphrey. I, on the other hand, have never enjoyed doing this as I feel it's degrading

and this girl thinks less of me for eating where she shits and having put off doing it as i would like this f's and with b situation to flourish into a relationship right should i bite that brown bullet and swallow her ass or maintain my moral stature and stick to a purely pink diet. Holler back at your boy. Signed, Humphrey Tidsman. Wow, I can't believe we were

going to answer that question one time without you here reading it. Oh my god, that was fucking... I made my life just up. I'm so conflicted by that. Well, would you eat a girl's butt if she really wanted you to? I guess you'd have to, right? I'm so conflicted by that Well would you eat a girl's butt if she really wanted you to? I guess you'd have to right? I'm a very open guy

I take all comers in the bedroom But I gotta be honest I don't want to put my tongue in a butthole Because that's where the diseases are I'll put my dick in there I'll put my fingers I'll put a lot of things in there Just not your taste buds

What if she's like I'll wash it I'll scrub myself Bone clean I mean if it's like, I'll wash it. I'll scrub myself. Bone clean. I mean, if it's bone clean, what does it matter? I would do it if it's bone clean. Or you can wrap your tongue in a saran wrap. Dude, I will fuck. I'll lick an ass.

Of course. You ain't gonna lick a butt. I mean, I'm trying to think of a girl who I've gone down on whose ass I haven't licked oh my god I love licking an ass mama turn down the podcast baby my mom listens here

does she really she listens to the podcast but and I will say mom she does listen to me when I tell her to turn it off don't even turn it down there's not a lot left

so let's just turn off the podcast mom it's too late you already said you can't I will I will I will lick I lick ass all day so let's just turn off the podcast, Mom. It's too late. You already said you can't hand to the girl with his ass he didn't lick. Dude, I will lick. That's not even time.

I lick ass all day. I love licking ass. That's my boy. I taught him well. Lick a butthole. Lick a butthole. Dude, it is. Oh, my God.

I mean, I'm happy that there's a girl out there that's like, I want that shit done to my butt And I feel for that guy That's a weird predicament that I'd probably be in I'd be like I want to do all kinds of things to that butt Am I licking it?

That's true I feel like maybe she just likes her butt To get attention And you don't necessarily have to lick her butt But say hey how about when you're eating around You spit a little bit out Take take some of the uh take some mom you're definitely not listening take take some of her pussy juice instead of like tickle her asshole with your with your middle finger yeah she won't know that it's not your tongue yeah jake i want to know

okay now i'm gonna do it i'm gonna ask to ask you. Please. So what do you do? Is that what you do? You're just spitting it. You clean it with spit. Oh, if I'm going down on somebody? How in your mind are you not like, there's poo particles? There's poo particles. I don't care if there's poo particles.

You don't care, dude. Here's the thing. Here's what I'll say. There's poo on my penis. Well, on us, there's poo particles. We have hairy asses. We like shit. there's on us there's poop particles we have hairy asses we like shit there's like there there's there's dingleberries we wipe our ass and then like it just like smears shit all up our ass crack there's shit our asses are caked in shit all we do when we wipe is just wipe our ass raw enough to the point where there's not like at least shit showing

up on the toilet paper so we can convince ourselves that we're clean. I'm not arguing. This is perfect. This is my case. But girls don't have hairy assholes. They wipe, they clean. They have like three hairs on an ass. Oh, I've seen a hairy asshole on a girl. I'll admit that I've seen a hairy ass,

but they're few and far between. It's true. I'll eat out a girl and I'll hold her knees by her ears and just lick her from crack to clit. Jesus Christ. I know. I know, dude. This is not. Holy moly.

And to think we were going to end it. To think this wouldn't have existed. I really genuinely think you should. You had to have said that before. Lick her from crack to clip. I'm all about getting nasty. I love the nastiness. I know you do, and I can sense that from you, and I love it right now. I love the

nastiness. I want more nastiness always in my world. Yes. There's just a thing... There's a gag reflex that won't allow you. They go and they eat the poo-poo. Why do you want to eat the poo-poo? It comes out of the butt. I love it. I like that.

It's his private hole that no one's allowed access to. Oh, I want to get it. I'll diddle it. I'll slap. I'll spink it. I'll sprinkle it. It's the tongue thing, I think. So let's answer this guy's question.

Yeah. Oh, Jake says go for it. Fucking be a man. Yeah, because I think he's like, I don't want to do it. It's degrading. That's a little feminine. I don't think she's being like, oh, yeah, I'm going to be a man. Yeah, because I think he's like, I don't want to do it. It's degrading. That's a little feminine. I don't think she's being like, oh, yeah, I'm going to get this motherfucker to lick my ass. I'm the best.

This dude's going to fucking eat my asshole. She's just like, yo, I like it when it tickles. It feels good. Sure. And she likes you. She feels comfortable enough to ask you to do it. It's like telling you her fetish. Right.

I think that's nice. I think it was intimate. I think you should do it if you like her. I guess if you physically can, you you to do it. It's like telling you her fetish. I think that's nice. I think it was intimate. I think you should do it if you like her. I guess if you physically can, you should go for it. If you're totally going to gag and puke and not be all about it, maybe you can meet her in the middle. Puking at it might feel good. Oh, dear God.

I know. Let me rate it at. Oh, God. This one's going to be rated e for explicit not for everyone um you will i tell you yeah it's it well i'll let yeah let's nip that one in the bud it's not degrading she's asking you to do the thing and it's not a power move it's sort of just her being like this is what this is what i like yeah her being comfortable enough to tell you what she likes because you hopefully at one day you'll get to the point where you're like, I like this.

And hopefully that person's not going to be like, what are you trying to do? You know, like second guessing the questions. You're like, no, just do it. I like it. How is this negative for me? If you were that guy, would you do it? It depends entirely on this girl. But, I mean, he's not got a lot going on.

His punctuation is. His spelling is atrocious. His letter writing spells are fucking awful. Very little to the imagination. So if he's not had a while, and it's like this is his... Because there was a dry spell. Yeah. Like Moses in the desert.

I would say, I mean, fucking live adventurous. He'd be doing something that I've never done, and that's saying something. So go for it. Yeah, it is. I love that. Awesome. What do you say? I say go for it, too. I've never done and that's saying something so go for it yeah it is i love that what do you say i say go for it too i've never done it but i guess all three of us telling you telling this dude to lick her asshole i would i this is i want more than ever i want to follow up pup on this and how sometimes people uh hit us up afterwards and let us know how our advice panned out oh no i really want to know How this goes Eat her asshole Let's see what happens

Are they really Going to grade us I hope we do well I really do I really do Is this going to be On the midterm That was a perfect ending

So let's It ran long But it's one of our Favorite episodes So thank you very much For even coming on this show And since we live In the same city

We can do this again Yes exactly My pleasure And is there anything You want to leave Everybody with Anybody Anything Plug sauce Just you know Stay true to yourself Since we live in the same city, we could do this again. Yes, exactly. Yeah, my pleasure. And is there anything you want to leave everybody with? Anybody, anything you want to plug?

Just, you know, stay true to yourself. Which is a movie I'm in. It's coming out in about February. Sorry, me and Kevin Hart. Be true to yourself. Your show, when does your show come out? April 6th, HBO, home box office. It's not even TV.

It's home box office. And people, you've heard it here first, because I bet they're going to be blitzed with it come March. You're not going to be able to escape, and you're going to see so much about this startup, because I feel like they really love it, and they're going to advertise the shit out of it. And people are going to watch the shit out of it. Hopefully, yeah. Please tune in.

So thanks again, Thomas, for coming on the show. Thank you. We started the show with that cool rock, hard rock? Definitely not rap, don't you think? I forgot to mention that guy's name. It was Liam McRae. Liam McRae. And this last outro song is

by a married couple named Kyle and Bethany. So if you guys want to submit your own questions or your own theme songs, that email address again is ifirewshow at gmail dot com. Sweet! Thanks so much for listening gmail.com. Sweet. Thanks so much for listening, everyone. See you later.

If I were you, I'd know what to do When you get put on blast From somebody in your past Cause by day two, nobody's knew you Just got to do you. You. You. If I Were You is filmed in front of a live audience.