Segments - 61: Polyamory (with Josh Ruben)

Episode Date: February 13, 2014

Comedian/Actor/Friend Josh Ruben joins us for this BONUS Thursday episode to discuss moving out, marriage, and trendy restaurants. This episode is brought to you by LegalZoom: Online legal services, made easy! Check out LegalZoom.com and use either coupon code "Jake" or "Amir" for a discount -- zoo.mn/GPfH89 See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money i got money get the five dollar meal deal today prices and participation may vary for a limited time only illegal we are illegal off the books i love it it's actually sorry i misspoke uh it's brought to you by legal zoomoom. Of course. Yeah.

I'm sorry. Apologies. You thought I was joking around. You thought you were going to get into something really exciting, but I actually just. It is just. Yeah, it's LegalZoom. Got it. Yeah.

Of course. But it is very exciting nonetheless. Yay! Well, you know, have you ever thought of it? Have you ever thought of it? Have you ever had a. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Are you all right? Are you all right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fall out the window. Have you ever thought of it? Have you ever thought of it? Have you ever had a business idea or a trademark idea or an idea you wanted to be patented? I've never had any ideas ever, but I totally get what you're talking about. Well, luckily, our audience is filled with smart people. And if they or if you listening at home has ever had a business idea that you want to trademark or patented or any type of business. Actually, I have like inventions all the time that I want to patent.

Exactly. So you would need to do that. Do you want to hear some? I'm okay. It's just, it's difficult to do that. And so if you go to LegalZoom.com. Peanut butter with chocolate chips inside it. Okay.

So that's, you know that that's a thing that exists already, right? What and when, where does that exist? Peanut butter with chocolate chips. Peanut butter, like a Skippy with chocolate chips inside of it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really? Yeah, I'm sure that's a candy bar. They make peanut butter with chocolate chips.

Well, it's not a candy bar. I'm saying it's Skippy. So you're right. Your invention idea is Skippy. Sounds like you just want to pitch your idea to Skippy. You don't want to come up with a new product. I'm going to go to LegalZoom.com and get a patent, and you're going to eat your words and my peanut butter. Well I'm going to go to LegalZoom.com and get a patent, and you're going to eat your words and my peanut butter.

Well, if you do go to LegalZoom.com, please use discount code Jake or discount code Amir. That way you can get more of a savings, and they know that we brought you there. Damn right. Remember, LegalZoom is not a law firm but can connect you with a third-party attorney and provides you with self-help services. They can also help you with wills, business formations, basically anything that's too difficult to understand yourself. We highly suggest using LegalZoom.com for those needs. Say what? What?

Say what? What do you mean? I'm trying, like, it's like a radio commercial. Say what? No, I don't need that. Thank you, though. So, please, once again. What?

Insane. But you are, once again, it's LegalZoom.com. Now, let's get started. Let's throw you into this episode. Another way we feel bad, we blew through two of our favorite guests back-to-back. We had Thomas on on Monday, and now we have Josh Rubin on today. But we had to get him on. He's that good. He is that good. It was that exciting.

Yep, and he's in L.A. that infrequently. Yeah, that we had to use him right away. Luckily for you guys, things got real. Luckily for us, things got real. So we're sort of lucky in the same regard. Indeed we are. So without further ado, enjoy the episode. Fuck yeah, dude. That shit was tight.

I'm rolling face. From what? I'm rolling face. I what? I'm rolling face. I popped a molly pill. I put it in the water. I actually crushed up moon rocks and snorted it. So regardless of what that theme song was. I was going to roll my fucking face off.

We have a guest here. Hey, Josh Rubin in the house. Uh-oh. Oh. Monday, lunes, miércoles, tunes, Mircoles, Tunes, Sabado, Domingo,

I'm in L.A. land. He never breaks this bit for an hour and a half. Doesn't break character. Comidas. Meaning what? Hi, I'm Horatio Sanz. I'm so happy to be with you guys.

I can't believe we got you. Oh, I can't believe I'm here. It's funny, you live in New York. We lived in New York for five months, six months doing the show, and then as soon as we moved to LA, we can get you on the podcast. And I moved in right across the street from you. You saw me in a snowstorm. I was waiting on the corner trying to get a couch in my friend's car.

It didn't fit. I said, hey, I'd really like to do this shit, man. I really want to be on your pod. And then what happened? Why didn't you do it right then and there? Well, it was snowing. I had a girlfriend over and I couldn't get the couch in the damn car. This is what happens when I'm in LA. I can't stop talking like it's just a little bit of Nicholson. I feel every time I'm here, I just want to talk like this. Oh, this is great. We can do celebrity advice. Can you believe it? We're here. If I were you,

we have Jack Nicholson with us. Yeah, what an honor. Would you believe it? I'm so damn old, I don't have to worry about STDs. Why? Why doesn't he have to worry? Well, when you're 89,000 years old and 100 movies in, what's the difference? I guess. I mean, you still don't want herpes, right? Well, I guess it won't matter to me, but it'll matter to that little sweet 23-year-old

I met up at Town House in Venice. Aren't you on Tinder, Jack Nicholson? Swipe right. Swipe left. Full hearts. Can't lose. I swipe right for just about damn near anything, and that's no joker. Well,

yeah, we're happy to have you and this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me and Jake and usually it's just us two but now we have a special guest. A special guest. Have you heard the show before? I have heard the show. My good friend Ben was on a few weeks ago

and you guys were talking about love and about AIDS and love. Yeah, it was really fucking. I forgot we spent half an hour talking about AIDS. Yeah, it was great. Yeah, that was a really weird episode, I thought. Yeah, he just kept saying, Zimbabwe, Zimbabwe, Ben. I mean, he cares about it. He kept talking about the Red campaign through Gap.

He kept talking about it. Did you do a Ben Schwartz impression? Oh, no. Okay. I kind of feel like he's up here i have a jew pro timmy creme brulee that was good that was really funny milk butter cum jerk milk butter cum jerk wow that's he's like a jewish robin williams The Milk Butter Cum Jerk. Milk Butter Cum Jerk? Wow, that's... He's like a Jewish Robin Williams.

Wait, isn't Robin Williams Jewish? No, no, no. I think his mom was a Christian scientist, or as he called her, a Christian Dior scientist, because she looked great and she didn't take medication, so... I love it. I don't even want to answer questions. What's that? I don't even want to answer questions I don't even want to answer questions

I just want to hear My favorite impression that Josh does It was not bad But my favorite one Out of all the impressions that he's so good at I think my favorite is when he does a seagull Oh yeah That's so subtle

I knew when I came over here That I was gonna I was gonna do it And I tried There's some Some days it comes But like today It's like I'm like

A little clogged up I don't know what it is Maybe it's the The LA air I'm trying There it is Oh there you go It's such a funny thing man

That like one little Fucking hardly working we did And people were like That's what I'm known for The seagull It's amazing. Thank God it's not my titties. So how does the show work?

People email us at ifireyoushow at gmail.com. They're in a sticky situation, a difficult buy, and they need advice. So they come to us for some odd reason.

We read these real emails from real people but give them fake names to preserve their anonymity and do our best to, you know, help them out. I feel like you'd be

pretty good at coming up with some fake names. That was the best intro you've ever done. Really? Yeah. I think i repeated myself a little bit you may be a little bit but i feel like it felt so then it was almost like you're rehearsing so then it wasn't the best no because you did it without fear in your heart and i really sensed that well you're stepping on my foot right now sorry about you're wearing thick clogs and you're pressing down that's a bit over i don't want anyone at home thinking i'm wearing clogs obviously i'm not wearing fucking clogs, and you're pressing down on them. That's a bit over. I don't want anyone at home thinking I'm wearing clogs.

Obviously, I'm not wearing fucking clogs. Josh, what's on my feet right now? Clorns. Exactly right. They're made from tree thorns. They're clorns, great in rain. They're not clogs. They smell like cedar.

Made of pure wood. Get a splinter every time. They make a man out of your feet it's an Old Spice commercial hey I'm Isaiah Mustafa where are Clarence that's not his name do you want to hop into it

you want to get to question number one of course we need this is a dude who wrote us so we need a name Armhair Michelson Armhair Michelson which was your nickname

in high school, right? Yeah. Dude, I was kidding. No, that was fat faggot. And that was just the teachers. You should have heard what the principal was saying. The kids used to call me like earthquake sounds. Oh my God.

Because you were fat? Yeah, yeah, yeah. My bully, Rory Cash, every time I'd get off the short bus, he'd go, oh shit. Oh shit. Oh, shit. And then I'd go home and tell my mom. She wrote him a letter once because he gave me a welt. Did you write him a letter? She wrote him a letter because he gave me a welt with a rubber band.

And my mom said, Joshua, what is that? And I said, oh, it's nothing. No, no, no. What is it? It's not a bug bite. I said, well, the bully on the bus, he used a rubber band to give me a welt on my arm. And the next morning when I'm waiting to get on the bus, she hands me a letter. To give to him?

To give to the bully. Did you give it to him? I gave it to him. Obviously, before I got off the bus at the end of that following day. Everyone was reading it. Everyone was reading it. What did it say? You'll never believe it.

Well, she wrote this long email he killed himself that night it was that strong of all i know is the next morning oh when i got off the bus i handed it to my bully i said this is from my mom were you proud were you like good luck this is from my mom and you're in trouble or was it just like oh i'm sorry my mom freaking told me to give oh no it was like it was. It was definitely half. It was just like my voice was definitely fluttering, but in my balls I felt emasculated. But yeah, this is from my mom. He goes, your mom? And I ran off the bus.

And the next morning, he had a fucking letter for my mom. He wrote her a letter? He wrote my mom a letter. I love letters. And it was very articulate. Because my mom basically was like i've worked with a lot of children like you and i know you're probably coming from a difficult situation i was in administration i taught special ed oh my god i worked with like kids at like a difficult

you know difficult school and i just i just would hate to have to contact anyone to you know take you away from your mom take you away from your parents or or better yet tell your parents that you've you know whatever like harassed my son and he wrote this very articulate letter apparently I wish I could remember

but he was basically he was like I apologize we were just goofing off of course I didn't mean it not my intention it was like a very you think he wrote it

I think he did yeah I don't think he didn't want to tell his parents he didn't want to tell his mom his dad probably is like you know the king from Radio Flyer. No idea what the fuck that is.

Radio Flyer. I have another beer. This fishing rod costs $5. God damn it. He's like Nelson from The Simpsons. I don't know what that is. Okay. You guys missed it.

Two ships passing in the night there. But you're saying the same thing. Chekhovian miss. Chekhovian miss. It was the same exact sentiment. This is Russian theater here, folks. If I were you in Russian, Privyet, Krasavets.

We're taking a question from Armhair Michelson. Let's do it. Ready? Mr. Michelson. Mr. Michelson Reiterson. Not related to Mads on Hannibal. Go. Okay.

Anyway, I went to a party a close friend of mine was hosting, and I was being my usual self. To no one's surprise, there was a girl there who was all over me that night. And who can blame her? I'm really funny, I looked good, and since this was a big gathering, I don't want to say I was the life of the party, but I was certainly cooler than everyone else. I ended up going on a date with this girl as a favor to my friend, and we had a good time. She wanted to go all the way at the end, but I said, maybe another time. I can tell she really likes me, and this is what I was afraid of. Now, I don't know what to do. She was funny, smart, has a great body. The problem is, her face is very average, and thus, I am not attracted to her. I feel like my only mistake was being myself

at the party. What should I do? Should I call her again? Love, Armchair Michelson. I love it. Why? This guy's such an unapologetic douchebag. I don't even think he realizes it. It's because he's the life of the party and you're not and you're jealous of him. No, I am him. What? I am the life of the party. Arm hair? Is that you?

It is me. So you think you're the life of the party? You think you get the best girl? This is not going to turn on to the... I'm not doing this. The answer is yes, of course. I think it's douchey to... I feel like he has a bad outlook on life.

Yeah. Is what I feel like. Okay. So what's your advice? What would you do? If he doesn't want her to like him, we could... If he sends us her info, we'll forward her the email that he wrote. Yeah, and then we can see if this is actually true or not.

If this good-looking guy was actually the life of the party and picked a girl up and went on a date with him. Her. Whoa. No. I swear. What do you think?

I want to put a picture of this guy's face up on the Tumblr and see what people think of him or up on social media and just sort of see what social media has to say about him. Oh, you mean like for people to rate him? Yeah, or on, you know, read it or one of these sort of social media sites.

The Daily Pickle or HuffPo Comedy. It's bad to have high self-esteem. Like, that's nice. It's good that he thinks that he looked good at the party. Yeah. It's good that he feels like people will like him. Yeah. That's the default. I think that's nice it's good that he thinks that he looked good at the party yeah it's good that he that he feels like uh people will like him that's the default i think that's nice i think it's bad that he's taken it so far that he feels like um of course everybody's gonna like him and oh i was myself so someone fell in love with me and this girl is great except she's a

little bit average so she's definitely below me. Yeah, it sounds like she's great. If she has a great body, she's funny, smart, and has an average face. That seems like a 9 out of 10 to me. An average face to me sounds like a plain Jane which is, you know, makeup-less and pale. Disgusting. I know, I love that.

Plain face is so fucking sexy. Give me a porcelain girl who washes her face with a rag and goes to bed at night and drinks a lot of milk and doesn't wear nail polish. I fucking love that. You don't understand. Just coarse fingernails. So much milk.

And teeth yellow, yellower than a stick of butter. Five foot two, if not a foot. Filled with earwax. Never stepped into a tanning bed a day in her fucking life. So clear and porcelain white, she's almost translucent. Only dates guys with man tits. Drinks soy milk. Her dad's name is

Lenny. She doesn't know who her mom is. We're so specific now, but I think I know exactly who you need. She only has brothers, all of which whom she's very close. They all took baths. Their names are herschel yonkel tornell and dornell herschel yonkel tornell and dornell all tyler perry characters and her dad's name is lenny that's your perfect girl uh it is it is i love a girl with with an

average with an average face a girl with an average face uh- girl with an average face. Oh, yeah. I want a girl that looks like Garfunkel with a body like Oates. Oh, Garfunkel. That's what it is. With this body of Simon. It's funny that we went to the internet duo instead of the actual folk singers.

It's because we're an internet duo and not legends. We are legends, dude. Legends like Jessica Delfino. Rabbit. So do we have actually any advice to tell this guy or we just wanted to call him an asshole?

I think I just wanted to call him an asshole. If he doesn't like the girl, he should... I don't think you have to tell her. You just... It's 2013, buddy. No, it's 2014. It's 2013, friend. No, 2014, dude it's 2013 buddy no it's 2014 it's 2013 friend 14 dude so

guess what 2014 you uh it's it's it's yeah it's the 13th year of the of the 2000s and i think you really don't need to count it as the first it's uh 15th i would say i would say you all you need to do is dodge a couple texts technically Technically, Y2K didn't start until 2001. Dodge a couple texts and you're out of the woods, I promise you. 2013, this is your year. Your year. 2014 is the actual year. Do you want to get to an actual question?

That wasn't an actual question? No, I mean like an actual question from a guy that we respect, I mean. From a person that we respect. From Mark Ruffalo.alo yeah for somebody i respect jake and amir writing to you from the set of age of ultron feeling a little sad i think this one is from a lady you got a lady name for us oh yeah that would be lady cornbread of wales that was your ben schwartz impression again? Lady Conbert of Wales. Cush toot. Writes,

I have recently been introduced to the polyamory world. I'm very unfamiliar with the whole thing, but I am slowly learning more. I met this really great guy at a party with many other poly people and we're really hitting it off. I am currently single, but he has a wife.

I am a little unsure about whether or not I should proceed with the relationship. I really like him, he really likes me, but I know this will eventually come to an end since he lives in a different city than me and also the whole having a wife thing. Should I stop analyzing and have some fun knowing that there could be heartbreak at the end? Or should I get out now and save myself the trouble? Love, Lady Cornbread of Walsh. Walsh.

Walsh. Polyamory. Ever done it? Ever been in a polyamorous open relationship? Jake? Yes. You have? I've been in a polyamorous relationship.

The relationship was open and you're like, we can hook up with other people? It was open and we could hook up with the five people in the relationship. So it was like a team or a circle? I don't really know. It was sort of like a team. It was a little tribe of people. It was like...

But you didn't hook up with anybody else in the tribe? Well, I had three girlfriends and a boyfriend. Yeah. And the rules were not very explicit from the get-go so i never fully understood but i was sleeping with one of the girls right hooking up with the other two occasionally and the dude was completely on limits but not really my thing so i didn't hook up with the dude uh but it quickly uh you know jealousy Krypton, and then... Jealousy. Sully, Krypton, Jealousy. Hey, Jealousy.

Hey, Jealousy. Jealousy in the air tonight, I can tell. Nineteen-seven... Tennessee. Ten-ten-ten-tennessy. Tennessee Tennessee alright three passing ships you guys aren't even sync when I'm around I'm like fucking Yoko have you ever been in a polyamorous

open relationship Josh? no I'm a small formerly fat hairy stout neurotic piece of shit I um the thought of you know if I first meet a girl and i'm interested in her and then she's talking to someone else i'll feel betrayed i get so sensitive i'm such a hopeless

romantic week of the empath june 30th i'm a cancer you understand no well i feel things that i don't even think i'm supposed to feel i feel your your feelings. I feel your feelings. If someone's upset, I get upset. That's why I don't feel anything, you dick. You guys are the opposite. You stole my feelings. Oh my God, Mr. Glass? I just have to ask you a question. This is unbreakable?

Is that what this is? Correct. So you feel guilt over other people cheating on their girlfriends or boyfriends? I think that was hyperbolic of me. I don't think I could ever be in a polyamorous – well, actually, never say never, right? I could also imagine myself, you know, like living the real sex nine life when I'm like 50

and going to like a, you know – Swingers party. What about a nudist colony? An open relationship. Yeah, well, I guess it's sort of what's happening now. Like I'm in this weird place where as a guy who was a serial monogamist, now I'm, you know, kind of like seeing seeing different people and you'll get all kinds of judgment like

oh you shouldn't be sleeping with you know rotation of right you know people you know and i i just don't want to really get close to anybody right now got out of a relationship five months ago i don't need a new one yet so you know you sound like me is that which is that what's going on with you see no no totally different but your Is that what's going on with you? No, no, totally different. But your voice sounds a lot like mine when you said that. That's what I meant by sounds like me. I'm totally different. You're emotionally unavailable forever, though.

Yeah, yeah. Josh loves intensely and he's like, I'm not ready to love again. And you were like, you never loved in your life. Yeah, it's better to have never loved and lost than to have never ever loved and never will love at all. Those are the same thing. Oh, shit. That's not the literature. No, I was saying that.

I am sort of like that. I also got out of a relationship last summer, and now I'm not eager to get back into one. And would you even ever consider being in a polyamorous relationship? Does that just give you the chills? I guess it depends on the girl. If I don't want to be exclusive with her, then I guess I wouldn't mind it. But I wouldn't qualify it as a relationship. Polyamory is also really weird because it's like, all right, we're polyamorous.

We're going to sleep with just these four people and that's kind of it. Well, is that what it is? Is that what it is? It's always like a rotating crew of the same five or is it like it's completely open as long as you don't tell? There's different rules, right? Can you pick those people? Who picks them? Yeah as you don't tell. There's different rules, right? When can you pick those people? Who picks them? Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, when I did it, it was sort of like there was an existing couple, and we were like, oh, let's all – we should all be – I don't even fucking remember. I was so high, man. I was so high that day that I was in a polyamorous relationship. It does seem like – it seems like if you can handle it, then I commend it. I think it's healthy. I actually do, but it's not for me. If you get in too deep before you know it, you're in L.A. and you're murdering Sharon Tate in a hot tub.

I just think there's something strange there. But I think I could certainly see it. I feel like I'm doing the same thing. We're just not all – there's no vocabulary for it. There's no calling it a polyamorous relationship. Right. It's just me dating. Yeah.

I don't understand the whole like, oh, they're in a relationship, but they're still dating other people. It's like, oh, so they're not. Why label it at that point? Yeah. It's like, why don't you just, that's what my, I have a friend who, the one who is still in this like polyamorous relationship. Right.

And I like mentioned the other day, I was like, oh, your boyfriend. She's like, he's not my boyfriend. I was like, what are you talking about? It's like, he's just my best friend who I fuck. But like that, that's crazy. That's my best friend who I fuck but like that's crazy I mean I think that's great but like she and him have like reached this second level of understanding

yeah they're operating like above above consciousness for me well let's get back to this question and it seems like this girl's a little in deeper than us because this guy has a wife so that seems like a who's totally not down with polyamory by the way she has no idea what was that it's the rolling stones but i guess sung by uh you know

yeah that's what she sings right like a a stereotypical Asian character from the 50s. No, play with me, cause you play with me. No, no, cause you play with me. The most racist version of that Rolling Stones song. I'm glad we got to the bottom of it. It's sung by fucking Tony Curtis. And Tony Clifton. I'm playing with fire. You're setting Clifton. I'm on fire.

Oh, you're setting some cottage cheese. I'm sorry, that's your ass. I saw the movie way too many times. Yeah, you know, you can't fuck around with people in a relationship.

Come on. When it's consummated with a ring. Yeah, that seems like a little weird when it's a wife. That seems like against the rules

of polyamory. I agree. I don't fucking know anything, though. Oh, shit. We should qualify the entire podcast with that I'm dumb agree. I don't fucking know anything, though. Oh, shit. We should qualify the entire podcast that I'm dumb.

But that leads me to ask you, gentlemen, a question. I mean, do you think marriage is meant to be? Do you think we're coming out of this era where it was all cultural standard to get married, that people were told, our parents were encouraged to find someone, and now we're in this weird weird new place where right you know where we have everyone's accessible and you know yeah you can swipe right for a new you know mrs tonight or whatever i guess marriage seemed to be

it is a little it does seem a little old-fashioned but it still is for some people well to me i will here i um i guess marriage to me i'm terrified that i won't be able to do it but it's not necessarily about like finding committing to one person. I just think that raising a family is important. Having kids, bringing people in the world is really cool. And I guess maybe there's a million different ways to do it, but I like the way that I was brought up, so I kind of want to have a strong family that I can raise a little baby with.

Yeah, and what you're talking about is what I'm thinking too. You had a mom and a dad who you looked up to who showed each other they loved each other. Stable, that's good. That's what I want too. I guess you all get there. I don't know, I feel like when you hit a certain

number, you feel comfortable having hung out with a certain amount of people, women, whatever, traveled, then, yeah, you get ready for it. Or do you find someone that's so good that it's better than your desire to be individual and do whatever you want? The three of us, none of us know yet, right? No.

I used to think that it was like, I used to think like that, like, oh, yeah. I mean, I remember I was 20. I was like, when I'm 26, that's when I'm going to find a girl, put a ring on her finger, have a kid. By the time I'm 28, now I'm 28 and I'm like – Oh, God. I just keep on pushing it back, putting it off. See, I'm 30 now and I'm like, okay, cool.

I'm ready. The next relationship I have – I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing but I'm telling myself, okay, the next serious relationship I have, that's going to be – The one. That's marriage well you can't yeah when you start getting a little bit older you can't like you when you're in your 20s uh you stay in relationships for three four and five years that you don't want to marry the person yeah now you're gonna have to like get that feeling and cut out really quickly right i had that fucking thing though where you know we met this girl i'm gonna marry that girl i'm gonna marry that girl you know it's great It was a little volatile, whatever.

We moved in, completely plateaued after two years. After moving in. Yeah, and you talk to people like that and like, yeah, that's just what happens. You move in. I don't want to move in with someone, never have sex again or not make an effort. But I guess if you wait long enough, then you move in and instead of plateauing, you're like,

now since I'm 31, we moved in and... Watch Netflix. I'm going to propose to you though and then you're like, now since I'm 31, we moved in and I'm going to propose to you, though. And then you're like planning a wedding and you can't really break up because it's fun to plan a wedding and there's a big party. And then after that, you go on a honeymoon. So it's like, oh, hey, we're still having fun. And then you're like, oh, we're plateauing, we're plateauing. Wait, I'm pregnant. And then you're like, oh, fuck, this is going to be an adventure.

And then you keep on going. And then the kids are coming. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Woo, woo, woo. Life, life. Yeah. Then you go to a polyamory party. You meet a 22-year-old little Asian bitch.

And you're like, oh, girl, why don't you come home with me? I'm into polyamory. I want to play with you, so I play with you. Is the Duchess of Cornbread of Welsh or whatever, is she Asian? Because I imagine she is. I'll say yes, though I have no idea. In my mind that's what I'm picturing here. So I think this goes back to what we were all saying before

which is like if you're young I think it's worth having interesting experiences. Yeah. Maybe if polyamory is not what you're looking for and you don't think it's going to be beneficial to you in the long run don't do it. Jake you touched on something very important. I think my parents actually encouraged me to pursue.

They are each other's second marriages, and they're very happy. And they were like, don't get married. Don't get married. My brother, who got married at like 23, has three kids now and a second wife. He goes, don't get married. Don't get married? Just like, not yet. It's like the not yet thing.

Don't do it yet. Don't do it yet. Wow. That's really interesting. My parents got married insanely young, 19 and 22. I mean, dude. They were married in 1922. Yeah.

One was 19 and one was 22. They drank something Stephen King wrote about. It made them very young. But also violent. Yeah, man. Who knows? We don't know. but also violent yeah man who knows we don't know it does seem like

what you were saying is dangerous which means create life milestones so that your relationship doesn't get stale no I just think I don't think that

that's like the reason but I think that happens naturally that's like oh let's have a kid because we've been fighting that doesn't seem like a good idea

I didn't say that that's what you said no you're like oh let's avoid the plateau by having kids and getting married and getting engaged and then uh oh we're done having kids i'm not saying that's to avoid the plateau i just say that stuff happens naturally and it avoids the plateau no you just want me to be saying the

other thing so you can disagree with me absolutely well like you guys are playing with fire So I feel like this girl might be Asian. Yeah, Asian. And if that's the case, no, no, no. I'm saying if this girl's hesitant about it, maybe she shouldn't pursue it. It seems like polyamory is only for people that are really gung-ho and open and liberal. And otherwise, it seems like it's not going to end well. I would say cut it out now. That's my advice.

If I were you, I would not get involved with a man and his polyamorous wife. Or move to Utah, bitch. Who's that? Why don't you move to Utah where you can be in a relationship with a bunch of fucking cultists? Is this Jeff Daniels eating a gobstopper? I'm on the newsroom. Oh, not Jeff Daniels. Jeff Bridges eating a gobstopper.

It kind of sounds like Jeff Daniels in Dumb and Dumber when he has his tongue on the pole. Oh, Lorne Hawley. What are you doing these days? I haven't seen you since Turbulence. You know everybody's fucking name. I haven't seen Lorne Hawley since Turbulence with Ray Liotta. What an obscure reference.

This is all I'm good for, man. This is why bullies make earthquake sounds. My mom writes him a fucking letter. Were you really fat? I wasn't that big. I was like a little round boy. You know who I was? I was like the kid, the fat kid with the rain slicker in Super 8.

If I may equate it to yet another mildly obscure movie. What's his name? Miko Talanta. Miko Talented. Miko Hughes? Yeah, correct. What was that movie with the little kid and Bruce Willis? That wasn't Haley Joel Osment, was it? I thought it was Miko Hughes or something. Oh, that's actually, yeah, it was Miko Hughes.

Oh, that's right. His name is Miko Hughes? He was in New Nightmare, the Freddy Krueger film. He grew up to... He was cute. He was cute. Yeah, bowl cut. He was like the new Danny.

From The Shining. Mrs. Torrance. There's a Torrance around here, a Torrance Museum. Every time I drive past the exit for Torrance or signs for Torrance, I think it's just a museum with pictures of that character. From The Shining? Yeah. Unfortunately, it's just a museum in the city of Torrance, California.

With a big flannel shirt on it. Yeah. The only L.A. city covered in a red flannel shirt. That's actually not true. Sylmar. Sylmar is covered in a red flannel shirt. Yeah, I heard true. Sylmar. Sylmar is covered in a red flannel shirt. Yeah, I heard the Salton Sea actually looks like Shelley Duvall. You know what else I feel like you'd be good at?

This is like sort of our little break right now. It's coming up with names of pretentious restaurants in LA. Oh, yeah. Have you been to... If you guys... Yeah, you have to say it like in a pretentious, mildly European model. Have you guys been to court? Because then when people ask you if you've been to court.

What's on the menu? It's all sashimi, so it's just fish, but it's been left out for a day. So you sort of feel like by the end of it, you've been asked to jury duty, and you have that nauseating feeling like you're going to get picked. Really? Yeah. Wow. Also,

there's another great one called a clever. It's like clever, except all the waitresses are whores. They walk around, they proposition you and it's only, only serve fried chicken. No, nothing like that.

Everything's $45. Have you also been to Dorn Tanas? It's like Dan Tanas. It's all Italian. It was founded by Michael Dorn, who played Worf on Star Trek. Dorn Tanas. If you remember correctly, he was Worf, the Klingon in Star Trek. Again, he founded Dorn Tanas.

Same exact menu as Dan Tanas, except James Woods does not come every night. Wow. Another good thing for a fancy restaurant is like noun and noun like that's a that's a good structure for a fancy restaurant oh yeah like tub and pig yeah exactly tub and pig where they just cut animals into into a tub and scoop it's on la cienega and fairfax, right? That's actually right, yeah. 49-21 Fairfax. It's really hard because those streets are parallel, so the restaurant doesn't technically exist in L.A.,

but if you keep going down, down for about seven miles... They connect just near L.A. The road opens up, and you can drive your car into a hellhole. Stay tuned with John Ritter. I'm full of it, folks. This is why I'll never get married. Thanks.

You just need to get married to someone who really likes IMDb. Oh, good. Carla Tate from The Other Girl. Carla Tate. Josh is good with movies. Should we get to the third question? Let's see here. All right.

I need a dude's name. Jeff Lebowscore. Jeff Lebowscore. Right. Hey, guys. I moved into my girlfriend's parents' house about three months ago, and I hate it here. Their family are slobs, and they leave shit everywhere, and my girlfriend and I seem to be fighting more and more.

I can afford to live on my own, but how do I go about doing this? Her mom is really nice and started to like me even more. She even bought me multivitamins and a birthday present. Should I give them a few weeks notice and risk having the awkwardness between my girlfriend and I? Or should I just find a place to live and take off ASAP? Any advice is needed and appreciated. Thank you. God, what is this guy doing? Is he trying to go through law school and live next to the place where he's going to work? My nose is bleeding. Why live at your girlfriend's parents' house unless you're on 16 and pregnant?

I don't understand. And why is he considering staying there because his girlfriend's mom bought him multivitamins? Here, take some Flintstones and bite him hard. Shit, I was going to move out, but fine. They're gummies. Give me Dino. Give me Dino and I'll stay for a week.

Oh, you bit the head off of it. That's cute. Shit, I hate you guys. I can afford to not live here and you guys are slobs, but I just feel so bad you gave me vitamins. Oh, I love these vitamins. Why do you keep doing the pinch my head thing like in Kids in the Hall? I don't get any of these like that oh yeah it's all perspective it plays with perspective yeah yeah uh god what the get out get out of there does he want to he wants to break up with

the girlfriend no he doesn't he just wants to know if he should uh how he should go about moving out or if he should go you go on craigslist you find an apartment and how about you go about growing some fucking balls i don't think i'm sure that they don't want you there yeah that's another level of uh non-self-awareness this guy thinks he his girlfriend's family will be upset if i'm saying it's someplace for free and they're feeding me what what do i do oh not only am i feeding me but they're giving me all the necessary vitamins and nutrients in the vitamin form. I feel like we haven't cleared through all of these email submissions,

because I bet there's one from this kid's mother-in-law that's just like, hey, there's this do-nothing loser that's plugging my dollar. I'm living with a real skullduggerist in my basement. Maybe they don't want you there either. I would say you don't have to give them two weeks notice or four weeks notice.

You just have to get the fuck out. Well, you could just say like, hey, I'm going to start looking for places and that's it. You don't have to like give them, you don't have to say like, hey, I'm gone. Just be casual. Say, but I gave you a multivitamin. Just tell them you appreciate it too. How dare you leave after I gave you vitamin A, vitamin K, vitamin B12, folic acid, niacin, riboflavin,

riamin. They're slowly poisoning him. Everything has a bit of glass in it. What? I put a little bit of fiberglass in all the peels. Professor Snape? I put a little bit of fiberglass in your peels.

My girlfriend's dad is Alan Rickman. He's a famous Broadway actor and was fucking Hans Gruber. He leaves his shit everywhere. He's a slob. I didn't ask you to live here. I just love

my daughter and want her to be happy. Sorry, there's a newspaper on the floor in the bathroom. Is that yours, sir? No, that's for the puppy. Leave it. I will not clean it up. I will not clean up the dogs. Also, there's this bowl with oatmeal just dried, almost like crusted over, cemented

in the sink. I like to eat my oatmeal crusty, much like some people like to eat their Chuck's Mix soggy. Who does that? I used to, actually. I really like soggy cereal. I got a fucking thing.

Jake, you with me? Yeah, dude. Ha, yeah. Ha, yeah, soggy cereal. Ha, yeah. Big thing like our cereal. Soggy cereal. Los Angeles.

Gonna eat my Cheerios with some milk. Mix it up. Almond milk. Make it sog. I ain't no fucking hog. My parents be cheesy, cheesy, for cheesy.

Jesus, Jesus, Kim Cardesius. Yo, I like that soggy cereal. I like my cereal soggy as fuck. Aw,

yeah. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits. Tits.

Tits. Crack. Crack. Crack. Crack cocaine. Keith Haring, y'all. AIDS awareness. Oh, my God.

That was insane. I also like my cereal soggy. You just said Chex Mix, so it sounded like a salty snack. Oh, right. I guess I meant Chex. I'm sorry. Rice Chex. Can we go back and edit that?

This is you accepting the Grammy for the song. I actually meant it to be Rice Chex. Horrible mic feedback. Just an insert on no doubt just looking around the room. Completelyrible mic feedback. Just an insert on no doubt just looking around the room. Completely disinterested. Okay. All right, Gwen.

Okay. It's not Gwen Stefani. It's Taylor Swift. Yo, Gwen Stefani. Yo, yo, yo. Shout out. Am I right? Yo, Gwen. Okay. Do the microphone feedback noise again. Ooh.

I love doing that. It's my favorite sounds. Next to a... Oh, that's pretty good. That's a big old crack. Could be Pauly Shore going, hey, it's the Weasel. Or it could be,

oh, fuck my ankle. Pauly Shore. We just lost everyone but six people. We just lost all the footage from this. We just lost everyone but six people We just lost all the footage from this We just lost all the audio All the audio's gone Alright you wanna get to one last question really quick?

Let's do it Because I think we can I think we can I think we can I think we can We need another lady's name Ooh Ingrid Horse

I like that one That was my favorite one Ingrid the Horse? No just Ingrid Horse. I like that one. That's my favorite one yet. Ingrid the Horse? No, just Ingrid Horse. Ingrid Horse writes, Hey guys, joining the Peace Corps or Doctors Without Borders has always been a dream of mine. And now that I'm graduating in May with my bachelor's in nursing science, I guess I'm at the age where I should stop dreaming and start maybe doing something with my life. That being said, I applied and was accepted to a program called

IVHQ to move to Ghana for three months and volunteer as a nurse. Here's the problem. I'm pretty poor. The organization that I'm going through says that to fundraise, I should make a GoFundMe website, but I feel like that would be annoying to try to guilt my friends and family into donating money. Is it selfish to ask people to help me to pay for this trip? Or is it more selfish to not try and have to back out of the volunteer work I was going to do because I can't afford my trip fees

by myself? I'm torn. All the best, Ingrid Horse. Alright, well, easy answer, right? Selfish bitch. What? We call her a selfish bitch. For what? Asking for my money she wasn't asking so she can go on vacation

to fucking Ghana oh it's charity so she gets to go on vacation a vacation oh actually you know what I'd really like to go on a cruise to Bermuda so I'm gonna make a

GoFundMe website make a GoFuckMe website yeah why don't we do that why don't you go fund yourself yeah fund you bitch fund you no man good karma it's good Carmen good Carmen good karma fund yourself. Yeah. Fund you, bitch. Fund you.

No, man. Good karma. It's good Carmen. Good Carmen. Good karma. Good karma. Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma,

chameleon. It's coming over. So what are we going to do? We're going to help her? Well, yeah. This is the nicest girl that's ever emailed us. We usually get a, just a never-ending stream of assholes and losers.

Let me rewind to the last question, who was, I'm getting food and shelter and vitamins for free. How do I tell my girlfriend's family to shove it up their ass? And this girl is so poor she can't even afford to volunteer in Africa. She still wants to go. That's what's wrong with America. And her problem is that she feels guilty asking for money. You're the only person that deserves money. Have you seen what projects are on GoFundMe, Kickstarter, and Indiegogo?

They're much, much, much more selfish than anything you could be doing. A lot of white people making their new watches. A lot of video games and board games. And getting very much money for it. No one's saving kids who don't have clean drinking water. Go for it. Shouldn't feel bad about shit. Yeah, and if you do go for it and create that GoFundMe page,

why don't you send it to us and then we can have all of our fans who probably want to help you out. Right, guys? Bone silence. Microphone feedback. Because if you don't fund, you're going to play with fire. How dare you? You know, I don't know who's sponsoring this episode.

Legal Zoom. Legal Zoom is going to give us money for this episode. Right. And we could give her some of that money. Why don't we match all the money that she raises? Wow. So you only have to raise half the money that you want, and we'll match the rest of it. I like that.

So whatever you get, every dollar you get, consider it two. She gets $4,000. Oh, okay. Because I didn't really – holy shit, it's $80,000. This is not a legal binding contract. We have to cap it. We have to cap it. We should cap it at $25.

If you can raise $25, I promise you, bitch, we will match this shit. This is Jake and Amir versus Ingrid Horst, court case, day one. All right, we're defending ourselves, Your Honor. Clearly, this girl's a fucking loser. She's going to Ghana. What are you talking about? Objection, objection. I object to you.

I object to you. Order, let's hear from Donna Rawlings. This is, you. I object to you. Order. Let's hear from Dono Rawlings. This is, after all, Guy Code. Guy Code. Sorry, Corey. I apologize. I didn't get my MTV shows right.

So we can do that. Let's do it. That's really sweet of you guys. Well, Josh, I figure you should be a part of the show. You match what we match. Well, that's actually right. I have my Wood I have my Woodstock Comedy Festival which prevents domestic violence and actually fights human trafficking.

Yeah, if we could just divert some of those funds over to this lady. Well, I mean, I just feel like women who get hit a lot and kids who get sold into sex trafficking

should get a little taste too. I feel like they should get a little taste too. It's too hard to decide. Oh, you'll play with fire. So yes, Ingrid

Horse, please email us. Create that GoFundMe page. We want to help you get to Ghana. Your sister was in Ghana.

My sister was in Ghana for several months. Not gonna do it. I think she found it to be a very difficult but ultimately rewarding

experience. Sounds boring to me. Why don't we go to Disneyland or SeaWorld? Yeah! No, brought to you by Blackfish. Yeah, that's good advice, right? It's not selfish. Let's answer her question. Yeah, yeah, make the thing.

Make the thing. Go for it. You're selfless. Yeah, you're better than 999 out of 1,000 people, so the least you can do is take their money and do something good with it. What are they going to spend it on? Go fund yourself, Ingrid. Go fund yourself. That's our time.

Oh my God, guys. This was such a pleasure. Thank you so much. Thanks for coming on the show. Is there anything that you want to talk about before we go? I kind of said it jokingly, but you guys were part of the Woodstock Comedy Festival last year. Which was another one of the most fun weekends of my last couple years, which is so fun.

Awesome to be there. Yeah. That's such a good cause. We really do. We fight the good fight against human trafficking and against domestic violence. But we have fun doing it. We do have fun. We go fun ourselves when we do it.

But yes, You should check out WoodstockComedyFestival.org Or Woodstock Comedy on Twitter There it is You can help out And you can maybe go next year Do you know when the dates are? Yes

It's the 19th, 20th, and 21st Of September 2014 We are in the year It's only a few months out Awesome If we're alive We should definitely go We'd love for you to be there

Maybe We could promote Or screen an episode of your new show all right thanks for coming on the show josh if you guys out there have any questions email us at if i were you show at gmail.com also we're still accepting reviewing and considering and using theme song submissions Each episode starts with a new beginning and ending one. Very good. Very good, Amir.

Very, very good. Well done. That first one was written by Andy and Jonjo. It was that cool rap song. And this last one is written by another pair called Kite and Low. You can send those off to ifirewshow at gmail.com as well. Thanks again, Josh. And thanks to you guys for listening. Peace.

Jake and Amir started a podcast and they told me I don't need to worry. Emails came from listeners douchebags who want to learn how to be really hashtag

dope. Maybe Douchebags Who wanna learn how to be really hashtag Dope Maybe sometimes Take Chains on girls But it's alright He's drunk It's an excuse Bait out

With my cartoon Oh you know it's true. If I were you, the show gets some advice from folks on how to meet girls on Tinder. You might get made fun of, but then the truth's below. Just go ahead, let them help you. Ooh, you're gonna see the chief someday Hey, hey Ha!

That's how much a GM! That's it. Thanks again to LegalZoom.com. Visit LegalZoom.com to save on your legal needs, like wills for $69, LLCs for $99, plus filing fees, and also get access to a network of legal plan attorneys for guidance. LegalZoom is not a law firm, but provides self-help services at your specific direction. Enter discount code Jake or Amir for more savings at LegalZoom. That's discount code Jake or Amir.