Segments - 62: Phone Thief

Episode Date: February 17, 2014

In this episode we discuss cafeteria crushes, Counting Crows, and terrible teachers... This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com -- the easiest, best, most affordable way to build your own website: bit.ly/17DIXqW See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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Forward away. Let us know. We'll shout you out. Now, who's ready to start this episode it was fun we're back on the road we're in nashville tennessee and it's been a it's been quite a while since things got this um not actual but um what's the word i don't know real real enjoy I'm head over heels in love with you I'm head over heels obsessed with you too I love you so much, do you love me? I love you so much, will you say you love me? I love you so much Please say you love me

Love you so much If I were you Take care of me, I knew you That was beautiful. Unoriginal, lackluster, and I think it wasn't quite as good as the original. Insane. We appreciate the effort, of course. She turned your garbage, trash, rubbish ass into a well-organized, beautiful violin.

I think when I ad-libbed that song out of my fucking dick for no reason, I think it showed some kind of prodigal musical genius and uh-oh all of a sudden she she she bites off my steez she submits a song without even changing the goddamn melody i'll say that i small coward piece of shit you giant genius piece of beauty is what you meant to say just now. I am Mozart and Josh Groban rolled into one. She spray painted your diarrhea gold and you're looking down on her. I honestly, I think, I don't remember exactly how it went, but I think I honed that string accompaniment as well. No, you did not. I will say I've written two songs on this podcast.

The intro, which people have been biting off of for years at this point. Cleaning, fixing, helping. And now, lately, this second masterpiece, a love song. A love song for the ages, I would say. It's weird. You retroactively ruined her beautiful song. She did as much as she could. She turned it into such a beautiful tune.

Yeah, right, dude. Thank you, Liz, for composing right dude uh so thank you liz for uh composing that yeah thank you liz uh it was based on a song that you made up in one of our previous episodes i forget which one but it was you know it was enjoyable even if you hadn't heard the original that's the beauty of a great cover that's true have you ever heard a cover and then you're like oh this song is amazing and then it's like oh it's actually based on a different song you're like oh i like the cover better uh yeah nirvana the man who sold the world who's the original by david bowie oh interesting mine is uh uh newfound glory glory was it glory of love did they do newfound was it newfound glory i yeah i think they did

i am the man who will fight for your honor. Actually, the original Peter Cetera version is pretty good, too. Yeah, Newfound Glory had a bunch of great covers, though, back in the day. Back when I just thought they were a great band, but I didn't realize they were just using other people's songs. It was like there was always something there to remind me. That wasn't Newfound Glory, but there was a great punk cover of that song. The Lemonheads' Mrs. Robinson?

Yeah. Oh, the 99 Red Balloons. balloons the oh yeah the punk version punk version i forget who did it though and then there was also the english version of the german song it doesn't matter hey welcome to if i were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm amir and i'm jake and we're in nashville tennessee coming at you live no okay it's never live it's never live motherfucker uh we have a show tomorrow so oh it's actually today if you're listening to this on monday yeah if you're listening to this and you're in nashville we're gonna be at zany's comedy club tonight 7 p.m doors are at 7 that shows that people stop listening i think i do think advertising

If I hear that voice I can check out Your Pavlovian response is to stop paying attention Hey, if you're coming to Zany's Bye Bye forever Forget it We will be at Zany's Comedy Club

So it would be great to see you We'll hang out after Nashville's fun And then tomorrow and Tuesday we'll be in to see you we'll hang out after national's fun and then tomorrow and tuesday we'll be in charlotte and wednesday we'll be in syracuse but enough about that what are we doing here now we're recording an advice podcast so how does it work why don't you tell us motherfucker oh i'm gonna stare at you while you do it too holy shit yeah you are insecure about that doing it the test doing it. The test, the blast. I can't believe it.

You just blew up and I haven't even done anything. I'm taking my pants off. I'm getting comfortable on this bed. This is If I Were You. How does it work? Basically Amir and I take questions from you guys, our listeners. You're in sticky situations, life problems,

conundrums, and we do our best to advise you out of these ... Didn't stick the landing. To advise you out of these predicaments. That's the word. That email

is ifIwereyoushow at gmail.com Send your problems and your original theme songs over there um so since we're in tennessee i thought it'd be fun to uh give these real emails from real people fake names of uh tennessee-based celebrities oh so let's say this first one came from someone someone, a female named Reese Witherspoon. That's right. Ms. Witherspoon herself. Ms. Ryan Phillippe hermself.

Hermself. Hermself's rights. Hey guys, here's my problem. My phone got taken away from me from one of my friends. What happened was that in biology class we had a sub and I let him use my phone because his got broken for a while and I let him use my phone because his got broken for a while, and I let him use it a couple times before.

He admired my phone and wanted to get it, but he never had enough cash. So I gave him my phone, and he asked me if he could use it for his last class. He told me to meet up with him after school, and he stood me up. I knew that I would get it back the next day, but he didn't come to class for the past two days and now we have a long weekend from family day i haven't told anyone except my friends and they tease the shit out of me here's my question how do i get my phone back love reese witherspoon reese no yeah i would make i would make fun of you too reese got robbed did she say her substitute teacher stole her phone?

Did I read that wrong? I can't tell if the sub took it or her friend took it. Or her friend is a substitute teacher. Yeah, or like they, I don't know. I guess we had a sub and I let him use my phone because his got broken for a while. Yeah, right? A substitute teacher robbed you? Is that illegal?

That's definitely illegal. that's so funny it's like why would you ever i don't understand why people are letting anybody use their phone in any situation like i can be i don't even feel comfortable when somebody is like when i'm in my car and someone's like here i'll do i'll do directions like fucking thanks but use your shit ass ass. We both have ways. And I don't see why my phone has to be the navigational phone. I like to feel it vibrate in my pocket. It makes me comforted. It's like when I ask you for what time it is,

you squeeze your phone against your chest and peer at it really subtly and be like 5.52. Cagey. Cagey like an animal. You never just show me the screen. Yeah, it's private. I got a lot of secrets on there. So this poor substitute teacher who borrowed this girl's phone and then just didn't show up.

And then admired it. How do you steal a phone anyway? It's like, oh, I got a new phone. This phone number is, I guess, somebody else's phone number, but it's my phone now. How do you even admire a phone i don't understand that what kind of phone did he have that was so shitty that he admired a phone he had a he had a crazer he had a crazer in his girl head she had an iphone crazer an iphone 2s it didn't even matter it was just so much better than the crazer he couldn't believe there was email on it and this is actual so this is just real mail or i'll figure it out this is

nutso can i borrow this for um a day everybody get out your bunsen burners i am uh i'm gonna I am going to download Tinder. Sir, I think you have my phone. I have my phone. I'll meet you after school. I promise. Now, sit down or you fail today, I think. He skips town on this three-day weekend. Unfortunately, he's got an extra day to pack now, sister.

Sorry, Reese, but he's on a Greyhound bus straight out of the backwoods of West Virginia or wherever it sounds like you're from that people are just jacking phones that are mildly nice. Needless to say, this family day is going to be one for you to remember. What is family day? I don't know. Cool. So what should this girl do um tell your parents yeah tell on him yeah you got to be a tattletale in this uh in this instance i think you have to tell a principal or a teacher that a sub stole your phone yeah oh yeah that's what you do go to a person of authority

and i don't know why you even told your friends because of course they're gonna make fun of you i feel like the principal's just going to crack up. The principal, yeah. So what happened? Well, you know Mr. Wallace, the substitute teacher, I let him use my phone for a day and he never came back. Well, gee whiz, Reese. Here, I'll get the phone back. The principal falls in love with it.

I don't know. I really admire this phone. So, yeah. I think it's... I think it's mine you're expelled what yeah i'm keeping the phone as um evidence for what for hold on i'm playing freaking flappy bird flappy wing ass we should download flappy bird we haven't ever played it i know it's all the rage it's true uh so. It's true. So yeah, that's our advice.

If I were you, I would tell an adult. Tell an adult. Not a friend. There you go. Friends will make fun of you. That's right. That's what friends are for. Yep. For good times.

And bad times. I'll make fun and laugh forevermore. That's what friends are for. Oh, tight. Very tight. That's right. All right, question number two. Yeah.

Ken. We need another. Let's say a guy's name. Elvis Presley. Mr. Presley himself. For himself. The king of pop. Let's do it no he's who's what is he oh just the king yeah he's just the king yeah that's great he has a better title than michael jackson for sure so elvis is like i'm the king and then michael jackson's like i'm the king of pop

fine then i'll be the king if i take a title that's so inconsequential, no one will bug me about it. Everyone else is just the king of stuff, and Elvis is just the king, period. So the king, period. I'm the king of buying Snickers at Stop and Shop. Fine. I'm the king. Yeah, not at buying Snickers. From the line when you're checking out at Stop and Shop.

I think Prince got the second best nickname. Definitely. All right. Hey, guys. Me and my girlfriend don't believe in all this romantic crap, but we still cuddle and snuggle, et cetera. We both believe that people shouldn't expect a response if you tell someone you love them. But a couple times she has pulled me up for not saying I love you back when she said it to me.

But now I've noticed that when I say it to her, she shrugs it off. I've said it twice when I've hugged her, and she kind of starts a conversation over me. When I phoned her up last night, she was on her own. I again said it, and she kind of blew me off. Like I stated before, I don't expect to hear I love you back, but it bothers me that she's cutting me off or blatantly trying to cover the fact that I'm saying it. What advice can you give? Should I just let it go or speak to her about it?

Thank you, Elvis. Elvis. What a weird fucking question. Elvis, you're insecure. I don't give a shit about the romantic crap. That being said, when I say I love you, my girlfriend cuts me off or changes the subject always. Obviously, I don't care about fucking lovey-dovey feelings and shit. We like to cuddle.

Snuggle, et cetera. And she gets mad when I don't say I love you. And now I say it back, and she she cuts me off and that irks me yeah she's changed the subject or some shit so I'll be like I love you and she'll be like what'd you have for dinner and I'll be like I had spaghetti but did you hear what I said and she's like I had spaghetti

and I loved it almost as much as I love you which is till I die she started a different conversation so what happened with that I like how She started a different conversation. So what happened with that? I like how the minor detail of, when I phoned her up last night,

as she was on her own, I again said it. Who are you with? Nobody. I love you. So did you want to hang out tonight? Wow. Have you ever said I love you and then not heard it back i'm sure

maybe not like not like the first time or the third time but like later on in life um did i tell you for a long time what my dad used to say back when we'd say i love you thank you he said thank you for your love was he being sarcastic or was that i think it made him a little uncomfortable so like sometimes he would just i got a lot of love for my dad i know he's got love for me uh but he he had a tough time saying i love you so he'd say i love you and he would say thank you for your love and then sometimes he'd say i love you and he would just not say anything sometimes he would say bye and then like every once in a while because he when he he's a little more loving with the triplets of course and my sister so uh so he would say he would be like every once in a while he would accidentally call me sweetie or honey and then and i'd hear the shower running i wouldn't

say i wouldn't say anything but i would just take it because it was like the best i was gonna get like oh what are you all All right. Bye, sweetie. And he would just catch himself but not correct him and then walk out. All right. Goodbye, sweetie. Don't. Shit. Just the sound of exfoliating soap, bar of soap on his tongue.

I can't freaking get rid of the taste of it. I would always give it back real hard. It's like, bye, sweetie. i love you thank you for calling me your sweetie i misspoke you you're taking advantage of my daddy you're my sweetie you're my sweetie daddy you're my sweet little daddy come here is your dad uh more of a emotional robot than me yeah i think he's more dad more of an emotional robot than me? Yeah, I think he's more of a... I don't know. Yeah, I guess so, probably. Wow.

No wonder we get along so well. You get along with my dad? No, with your mom. Oh. Because I must remind her of her husband. What are you talking about? You get along with my mom. You see her like every five months.

We talk a lot. We Skype and FaceTime. Why? Why do you do that? Because I miss my voice and she might miss mine. What does it matter? We talk. Is that cheating if you had Skype sex with my mom?

No, because I don't have a girlfriend. But is it cheating if she did that and she's married to my dad? Oh, would that be considered cheating? Because it's tough because, like, if you were married to someone and you looked at porn, I'm obviously not like, that's not cheating. Right. Everybody looks at porn. But.

So if you, but instead, like, on the computer, it being like a porn video, if you but instead like of on the computer it being like a porn video if you were looking at if you were looking at I don't want to use my mom as an example right let's let's get off let's let's get off their mama's yeah so let's say you were looking at who's a celebrity you have a crush on who you might like to masturbate to Nev Campbell campbell nev campbell yeah today of today nev campbell 47 year old alissa milano all right so say say 47 year old alissa milano um you're like looking at screen caps for tits and you're jerking off and that's obviously not cheating if you're married or you have a girlfriend nobody's gonna be like hey you're cheating yeah because alissa

milano doesn't know but then say alissa mil Alyssa Milano is talking to you on Skype. Yeah. And she's like, I'm talking to you, Amir. I'm fucking you. Say my last name so I know it's me and not just some sort of fucking bot that you did. Amir. What? Alyssa, I can't get off.

So you're saying is it considered cheating if you have Skype or if you have – wait, are you talking about a random cam whore or a girl that you know over Skype? I guess it should be – I feel like random cam whore is still not cheating. Oh, really? Also, I resent that you're calling them whores. These are girls working for money. These are girls fucking people for money. They're not prostitutes. They're not fucking people for – they're fucking dildos for money and that doesn't mean that does not make them horrors if you fuck a dildo for money it doesn't make you a prostitute it doesn't make you a prostitute no

we're getting way off we're just we're just hopping from hypothetical things are we still talking about the girl who got her phone stolen by a subject did we start another question oh yeah how does. How does this guy, this guy is just on the edge of his seat, like, ha-ha, good bet. Are they going to fucking tell me if my girlfriend loves me or not? I don't think Skype sex is cheating

because you're not actually physically touching anyone. If it's someone you know, it might be emotionally cheating. All right. Now, go back to how does this guy what is how does he deal with this um oh this situation yeah it obviously bothers him so you can bring it up i don't know where they i think their relationship was built on this faulty premise of um this uh idea is like we don't give a shit about romantic stuff yeah we don't we're different two weeks later oh why didn't

you say i love you it's tearing me up inside they might as well just admit that or he might as well admit that he does care a little bit yeah just a little bit and it's not like uh she leaves her dishes in the sink it really bothers me should i say something because then it's like it's small enough that like maybe it's not worth having a fight right but if it's literally about saying i love you and not feeling loved uh or changing the conversation god i would i would love and hate to overhear that conversation so tell me you love me like you'll be the guy and i'll be the girl i love you what else what else i love you um oh usa latvia is tomorrow i love you. Oh, USA Latvia is tomorrow. I love you so much. The bronze medal game.

I think we should watch it. Do you love me? I have to go, actually. Go where? I'll snuggle or cuddle you later, but I'm not going to say that shit. Why don't, what's the, what's, does it, do people that don't say it feel like it, like, undercuts the actual emotion? Like, if you say it too much, it sort of loses its meaning and it's supposed to, like, mean something? Oh, like, why doesn't she say it back?

Right. At first, it's uncomfortable to say because you're not used to saying it to someone that you just met. And then later on in life, it becomes, like, so routine. It's like, okay, but are you, like, the kind of guy that says love you at the end of every phone call with your family yeah i mean we say it like in the beginning the middle and the end right i say i love you to my family so constantly that but i to me it doesn't i it doesn't feel like it uh doesn't mean anything i feel like i love them right but it means less the more you use it love is a finite uh pie and every time you was a word but like you're taking a slice of it so that every time you say it love is a finite uh pie and every time you was a word but like you're

taking a slice of it so that every time you say it you're dividing the pie into a smaller section absolutely love is a finite pie yeah it's a pie it's an absolute pie and much like the number pie love is irrational it never ends how's that well it's an endless. Then it's a different pi. It's an imaginary theory. It's an imaginary number. And then it's pi, but pi is infinite. Pi is not infinite. The number of pi? Isn't it infinite? It's undefined, but it is a finite number.

What do you mean it's undefined? To specifically nail down or quantify it, you would use digits that go on forever. But I can tell you that it's less than four. How can a number less than four be infinite? This is hoarding my brain. Next question. I don't even know if I'm right at this point. I should speak with full disclosure that says I'm a little bit out of my element.

Out of turn, out of line, and I think above your pay grade. But what I was saying about is the more times you say love, the smaller the slice is because you're dividing that pie into a thousand slices. I'm only going to say it eight times so that every time someone gets that love slice, they're having a whole heaping helpful of me. A whole heaping helpful of you a whole heaping helpful of you i want to throw up i really do and i think i might oh my god dude are you kidding me i was loud proud and dangerous to know. Boom, baby. That's the Elvis Presley difference. So I guess what I'm saying is,

if I were you, I would tell this person that it bothers you, because it clearly does. And especially if you love her, you should say something. Which it sounds like he does, because he does say it. Yes.

Yeah, that's it. Toe-da. Zay whoo-zay. Not quite break time, but getting there. Interesting. Should we stall? How? By reading another question.

That's not a stall. Actual episode. You don't stall in basketball by running a play. All right, next question um oh this guy's a good real name but i won't i won't say it uh i need another person of celebrity in tennessee um where's matthew mcconaughey from uh texas matthew mcconaughey right you just don't listen to me oh john, Johnny Knoxville. Johnny Knoxville. Who's actually from Knoxville. Wow. Yeah.

Johnny Knoxville is actually from Nashville. And Johnny Nashville, he's from Nashville. So, you know, sometimes those Johnnies just tell the truth. Yep. Dear Jake and Amir, I've been dating this goddamn dime for two weeks now, and she's friends with all my friends, which is pretty hashtag dope. However, a couple days ago, my friend started sending pictures of himself naked to her, but he would draw over his dick so you couldn't see it. When hearing about this, I got upset, and he got mad at me.

He felt there was no reason for me to be mad, and he started calling me a little bitch. We talked it out, and I thought he would stop, but yesterday he started sending more and much worse ones in one it was literally just his boners sticking with his underwear on then my other two friends started sending them too they're not nearly as attractive but still the joke is pretty fucked up and i can't help but feel jealous and upset should i give these assholes another chance or consider them dead to me? Love, Johnny Knoxville. This is insane. It's like some sort of reverse jealousy where the girl isn't doing anything, but guys are sending dicks to her.

I mean, that's harassment. It's sexual harassment, and she doesn't have to take it. I mean, like even removing the boyfriend from the situation, she's it's it's an attack. It's it's abhorrent. It's disgusting. You're not allowed to send unsolicited nude boner pictures to someone who doesn't want them. Can you not? Is it? I mean, if I sent you a dick pic, is that illegal?

Yeah, it's harassment. You can sue me for that. It's against the law. Yes. It's against the law for me to sent you a dick pic, is that illegal? Yeah, it's harassment. You can sue me for that? It's against the law, yes. It's against the law for me to send you a dick pic. Of course. You send a dick pic of me to two people. Are you under arrest? Yeah, but they wanted it.

They wanted it. No, they did not. Streeter and Dave, I sent, first of all, for the record, it was dudes that we were traveling with. I sent somebody else these guys guys and they thought it was funny yeah but also i think i think it's like maybe it's i don't know the fucking law just like you don't know pi i know five yeah three point one four one five nine two three five six five shit about shit about shit about shit about shit and that'll go on for infinity okay you know i'm saying huh so but i think that if you sent me a dick pic and

i said hey um i get what you're going for here it fell flat with me i didn't like it i don't want any more pictures like that and you said okay and then you kept on going and i told you repeatedly to stop then it is it's illegal it's harassment i can sue you you'll go to jail or you're but this person could also block their numbers i i guess so maybe can you i don't know can you i don't know i would say i also like that he's more pissed about the attractive one he's like these guys are kind of ugly so it doesn't bother me as much but my hot friend is really pissing me off is that what he said? Yeah Let me read the exact words Then my other two friends started sending them too They're not nearly as attractive as me But still this joke is pretty fucked up

He's saying that none of them are as attractive He's not like worried about them being like hot And his girlfriend liking it Right Yeah you You have a case You're not a little bitch They're little bitches

And I think you need to like blow up the pictures of their penises and put them like all around school or something. I think you should kick the shit out of them. I think you should tell on them. I think you should tell your family

and an administrator. I think these kids should go to jail. Jesus. I think it should be publicly shamed. And I personally would like to stone cold stun each one of them. I'll agree with the

blowing them up and putting them around. That's sort of using what they did wrong and throwing it back in their face. Right. You kind of have to shame them. Yeah. Yelling at them might just, like pouring water on a gremlin, make them bigger, angrier, and scarier. Interesting. Or does water kill gremlins i don't

fully remember the movie yeah no i have but the metaphor is there you have to use their own shit against them yes if they're harassing your girlfriend you post their dick online right well i mean if they're if you can't send your dick to girls if they don't want you to send their dick. I've always said that. Hey, we are on the same page when it comes to that. Let's like never ever. I feel like the dick pic rules is just never send one unless it's specifically asked for. I know we've talked about it with Allison, zero to D.

I don't remember exactly what we said then, but I will amend whatever I said. Unless I said this, don't send the dick unless it's explicitly stated that the dick pic is desired do you understand so the d has to be desired the d must be desired the dick pic is not slick it's pretty sick if it's not desired it shan't be required exactly don't send the d to me or unless I ask it of thee. So what should this guy do? You were saying go for the full shame slash telling slash anger. Yeah, have your girlfriend respond positively and ask for the real D. No blurry box. That's good.

No underwear. Get that D. Get the kid's face in it. Then if it's big, Photoshop it. Make it look a little smiley and all that. And print out that picture pass it around at school you say hey uh turns out i'm not a little bitch your dick is a little bitch because it looks like the the pinpoint of a needle on your pubic mound how does that sound also i don't want to say i photoshopped this but look how small your d is it's uh roughly the size of half of this penny.

There we go. So, joke's on you. That's pretty good. Thank you. What can we say? That's it. That's break time. I was thinking we could just like talk.

Like why do we have to like always have a structure? Let's just read the fourth question. Jesus Christ. I know. You're in a rush. I'm in a rush. Jesus Christ. I know. You're in a rush. I'm in a rush. You're in a rush. You're in a rut.

You're in a bush. You're in a butt. What is it like being my roommate? It's been pretty painless. It's been great. It's been easy. Yeah? Yeah.

It is? You don't give a shit when i clean up after you you that doesn't bother you here's the here's what i'll say um as a roommate i think it's i'm impressive how long it takes you to get the lay of the land i think you sort of need to get your bearings sometimes yeah i think that's cool and i think that like you live in that house a little while longer you're gonna find out where the trash cans are and you're going to start taking out the trash

and I think you'll maybe learn how to load and unload the dishwasher I think you may even graduate to understanding

where the where the where the bathroom cleaner is and you can wipe down the shower because there is grime and filth in there really

and I think you walk around the house in your shoes a little bit too often. The rugs are getting soiled. The rugs are getting stained. You going to say anything or are you just going to keep it bottled up and suppress it, become a passive aggressive asshole because that's how you deal with all of life's dilemmas. You talked about it. If you need me to show you where the garbage can is, I will.

Oh my God. God, you're the driveway. After that, I can give you a lesson on how to wipe down the dishes a little bit before you put them in the dishwasher. You know, the washer isn't supposed to be a soup-to-nuts solution to do everything. You've got to help out the machine a little bit. It's tough. Sometimes I get a little lazy when I've cooked, cleaned, and shopped for the food. That is so unfair.

When I shop for the food, shop for your food. Shop for my food. Last time I checked, you were enjoying the avocados I bought. Which I asked you for, and you said no problem. I said no problem. No, period. Problem, question mark? Yeah, absolutely.

No comma problem. Your nickname is Problem. That's what I call you around the house. No, but we have fun. We do. I really dig it. The new level of passive aggressive is to be fake passive aggressive so it becomes passive passive again still getting your message across but doing it in a joking password have you taken the garbage out since i had made the joke about uh

the garbage can i have not you always beat me to it what can i say i've never looked down and had a full garbage bag that's untrue i will say that that is absolutely untrue i i did have to step down uh step down on it a couple of times you broke the bottom of the can yeah i shoved it i shoved it down to the bottom i shoved it onto the floor it exploded but uh there was still room for a little bit no not no dot no dice uh but it But it's an adventure. Every day with you is. I appreciate it. What? I appreciate that.

I appreciate you to a wonderful degree. What's wrong with you? I'm crying. Why? I don't know. What? I'm going to get room service. You think so?

Yeah. What do you think you're going to get? A cheeseburger and french fries. You're back on. I'm on the road. This is road diet, dude. It's french fries. You're back on. I'm on the road. This is road diet, dude. It's funny. We're watching the videos that we shot on the road, and you look considerably fatter.

Like it makes sense. Yeah. Do I look fat now, these days? No, no, no. You look on the skinnier end. That's great. The videos, you're legit getting huskier with every episode. It's kind of a funny little subplot. My fattest day.

What was the fattest video we've ever made? Do you know which one comes to mind where you look like just a chubby little beef bun? High school friend? Yeah, that's what I was going to say too. Yeah, that one's pretty fat and so is sleeping pills. Really? Yeah, I'm like shirtless at one point in that video and I am just straight up dough. It's crazy to look back because now I'm like shirtless at one point in that video and i am just straight up dough you're a very dough boy because now i'm like ripped and shredded and wait you look back four years ago five years ago whatever it is yeah you're a little skinny i wouldn't say

and uh now to be like you think rippling biceps triceps and uh lats yeah i mean you still don't do any cardio exercise i don't know why you think cardio exercise what do you do running back and forth to the uh garbage can keeps me fit i have to do that uh what seems like a million times a day it's got to be a thousand miles maybe more like twice a week still still enough to trek um all right. Let's focus here. We only have so much minutes left. Let's get to one last question. Are we back at the time?

Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Trying to decide what the best one to end it on is. The ender. Ender game. God, we have to stop this thing together. And this ender is lame.

Here we go. All right, ready? Last Tennessee-based celebrity. Morgan Freeman. Morgan Freeman. Yeah. Morgan Freeman. Morgan Freeman from Ireland, yeah.

Give it to me, baby. Uh-huh, uh-huh. is that the worst song that became popular pretty fly for a white guy is the worst popular song ever right he's getting a tattoo yeah he's getting ink done what happened why did they get to be famous for that that i don't know man that's the offspring man they had some other good songs, though. Wait, was that song to the tune of another song? Oh, no, that's my friend had a girlfriend. That's Obladi.

But what they did is like the opposite of what that girl did to your theme song. They basically shat on the Beatles with that. And this girl turned your shit. Wait, you shat on the Beatles with? Yeah, Obladi, Oblada. My friend had, I won my friend hat i won't say i won't say hi no way oh life goes on oh in a couple of years they have built a home sweet home that's cool yeah you like the offspring i like you like you're saying the cover shit in the beginning yeah yeah i like the

offstrings version of uh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah this was set down here all right morgan freeman writes i'm usually very outgoing but lately i've had trouble striking up conversations with a girl i see every day at the dining hall. I've never talked to her before, but I seriously see her every day, and I really want to get to know her. She is a bigger girl, pretty chubby, but still a smoke show. I don't know if I'm the type of guy who just walks up to someone and flirts.

I'm 6'3", 210, with a beard, and a very average-looking face. How would you guys go about picking up this siren whose dining hall song has captivated me day after day after day? Please put yourself in my position and help me figure out what to do. Thanks, Morgan Freeman. P.S. I can't help but stress how very average my face is. If you were to rank every person on earth, I would fall smack dab in the 50th percentile i'm not ugly i'm not good can you describe something as very average is an average just the absence

like absence of any any like any dressing like the word very or incredibly it's like this joke me and pat have where like my shirts are extra medium they're extremely normal yes i am plain to the thousandth degree now we're getting closer to infinity there we go uh this is a really heartwarming email actually now that i read it again it's kind of touching right because there's like i'm a six three two ten this girl's kind of chubby but i find her so fucking attractive i just want to talk to her in this dining hall right i'm very average yeah i think this is the love it's a love story for the ages and uh thank you for sending us your pages what these pages in the email yeah it's good if it rhymes i think the advice from now on is gonna rhyme all the time so here's what's up with you

in this dime you are gonna go and talk her, even if at times you feel unsure. Because I promise you this, my good sir. She wants to talk to you and fuck no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Pause it. Pause it. I had a perfect game going. I really do think you should just talk to her, though, because I bet she wants to talk to you.

Yeah. I feel like you don't feel those vibes, those chemical vibes, unless there's something there, just a little bit. It's a dining hall. That's an easy way to approach someone. It's like you're getting your food. You sit down next to her. She's a little chubby, so maybe you shove a cheesecake in her mouth. That's enough.

You fucking ass. You fucking asshole. I'm just. You fucking ass. I was. You fucking asshole. I'm just kidding. You motherfucker. Jesus Christ. You motherfucker for that. You motherfucker right now, man. You motherfucker.

I hate that voice. I know. But it is fun and friendly and communal to be at a dining hall. You can sit down, strike up a conversation about how good or bad the food might be. Yeah. How average your face is. Yeah. Be self-deprecating.

Be you because I feel like 6'3", 210, bearded guy, sounds like a pretty good looking dude. Yeah. And I don't think you have to go there and be like immediately flirty. Just say, hey, say what's up. Try to like learn some things about her and then start flirting. It'll happen naturally. You don't have to force it that's right and since uh luckily for you um this girl uh maybe or not i guess not luckily for you but maybe this girl has been thinking about you as much as you think about her that's right so uh i don't know. I have a rhyme. If you try to force it, it sounds like horse shit. Okay.

That's it? Okay? Okay, dude. Okay, it was great. Okay, it was fine. Okay, you can go fuck yourself. I'm sorry. Obviously, you're out of line, and I don't need to call you out on it.

All the time. I think you know. I think you know. Maybe you should listen to Mr. Jones if he wants to know about how to strike up a conversation. out of line and i don't need to call you out on it all the time i think you know uh maybe you should listen to mr jones if he wants to know about how to strike up a conversation yeah like you could say that gray is your favorite color yeah yeah i felt so symbolic yesterday if i knew picasso i would buy myself a great guitar and play Those lyrics are absolute nothing, right? It's like Babel

It's pretty good. Gray's my favorite color I felt symbolic yesterday I'd buy myself a gray guitar and play. I think it's about a Picasso painting. Is it? Yeah. If I knew Picasso, I'd buy myself a gray guitar. It's like a Picasso painting Play Mr. Jones, me.

Stare at the beautiful woman. That girl's perfect for you. There's got to be somebody for me. It's like him feeling left out, maybe. What else? What else? Yeah, Spanish dancing. Pass me the bottle, Mr. Jones.

So he likes Mr. Jones? I want to be a lion. We all want to pass as cats. Yeah, I'm going to call that song out. We want to be big, big stars. I'm going to say the lyrics are bad. We got different reasons for that. It's a thin line between cool, poetic, and just really weird, bad.

And I'm going to say that one is in the weird, bad territory. We all want to be... Wait, what did he say, cats? We all want to pass as cats? I want to be a lion. Everybody want to pass as cats. We all want to be big stars. Yeah, but we got different reasons for that life, isn't it? I think it's different reasons for that.

I can't believe how much time we're dedicating to Mr. Jones right now. Why? It's an amazing song. You just said it wasn't. I said the lyrics were horseshit, awful, psychobabble, nothing. Mr. Jones and me. But I only care about the melodies. That's true.

Like that Offspring song, my friend has a girlfriend and he hates that bitch. The melody sucks, but the lyrics are so poetic that I can't help but love it. All right. I think that's it. We got to wrap this shit up. We're at the 45-minute mark. We're in Nashville, Tennessee. We got to order room service and take a bath.

That's what's up. Ever eaten a cheeseburger in a bathtub? Huh? What? What? Ever eaten a cheeseburger in a bathtub? Your hands get cold because the rest of your body is submerged in hot water. I don't recommend it.

That's what's up. The patty, the tomato will fall into the water. Don't take it out. Don't eat it. You'll get soap poisoning. You're turning into a goat. All right. That's it.

Thanks for listening, everybody. Again, we're going to be in Nashville performing tomorrow at Zany's. Then in the Charlotte Comedy Club on Tuesday. Comedy Zone on Tuesday. And then in Syracuse at Syracuse University on Wednesday of this week. If you're listening to this in the future, ignore what we're saying. You already missed these shows. You can't go to them.

It's over. You can't go back. It's over. Nobody listens to techno. Now let go. That first theme song was from, i think i said it already liz uh and she did that remix of your old song and this last one is from somebody named zach and his ukulele uh if you have your own questions your own theme songs please email us at if i were you

show at gmail.com uh bonus Thursday episode this week, so we'll be back on Monday, a week from today. Later! taught me how to yo do you so i seized the cheese now life's a breeze i'm hashtag dope but especially the most important thing i was ever taught by my mom was how to type in if i were you show at gmail.com