Segments - 63: Porn Browser

Episode Date: February 24, 2014

In this episode we discuss clothing, computers, and colonics. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com -- the easiest, best, most affordable way to build your own website: bit.ly/17DIXqW See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, Jake, thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes.

Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own freakyfriday.com?

That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Tuesday. Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying

visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a a z and not where you think and it's not biz with a z so if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one build a store an online portfolio the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments.

Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Toda. Toda. Toda, indeed. They'll ridicule you Or fill you with hope With riffs or advice That's hashtag joy

It's my real, my real show It's called my real show At gmail.com All right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I like that one. It was like a, wasn't it like a saloon? No.

Wild West? Uh-uh. It was like, yeah, you hear him saying it. And then it's like, get along, little doggy. No. Yee-haw. What you doing around here, Billy the Kid? It did not sound like that.

Got an ace up my sleeve. It was good, but it did not sound like a saloon. It didn't really. I'm sorry i apologize for even bridging the subject normally i would let that shit slide but i don't know you never let anything slide you call me out on on every minute detail of my whole life even things that you're wrong on you're so resolute for instance that did sound like a saloon. That was a theme song written by Steve and Jeff. Although, is it still Jeff if it's Geoff?

I think so. Jeff. Geoff? Geoff. At what age do you decide as a parent you're going to fuck over your kid with that shitty spelling? I think it happens because it's like a family name. So it was decided ages and ages ago that they were going to fuck over all of their yeah so then they're growing up like i'm not gonna curse my kid with the same name geoff and then you go you get older and you're like you know what i love my grandfather i think

i think it's a nice thing to do and then yeah then you name your kid geoff and then geoff little geoff grows up and says fuck my dad fuck my whole life this sucks and then he becomes like a 30 year old and he's like you know what? This name's got some history. I think I'm going to keep it going. Stay with Geoff. I think so. Well, your name is spelled G-E-O-A-K-E. Yeah.

Yeah, Geoak. Geoakob. Yeah. Geoakob. You are a Geoak, actually. I am a Geoak. You're a Geoak, dude. Your name's Amir Shmuel.

Stop that. So sorry. Stop that. My name's Jake. Stop. Are you going to make fun of me? No more. Amir Shmuel. I want to get off the subject of names. So sorry. Stop that. My name's Jake. Stop. Are you going to make fun of me? No more. Amir Shmuel.

I want to get off the subject of names. All right. Because I just realized that mine was actually a little embarrassing to some. If only you could have been named after your brother, Ben. Well, you'd want me to be named after. The family that got off scot-free. Jew-free. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet,

hosted by me. I'm Amir Shmuel. And I'm Geocob. And the show's also hosted by me, even though Amir Shmuel neglected to mention. And this is an advice podcast, so people email us their questions at ifireyoushow at gmail.com, and we do our best to offer up our advice.

You know, it's not always good, but sometimes it's bad. Not bad at all. I like that. I like the little, you're putting your flair into it at the end, and I appreciate it. A little too much, though. Tread lightly with that flair. Yeah, but you put up the flair, and I think it was a little excessive.

It conveyed what a flair usually does, which is desperation. You are not Ric Flair, so calm down with the flare. You can do a little bit, but... It was a nightmare flare, actually. And how do you dare? How do I dare? I did dare. So we're recording this episode on the road. We had two shows this week in nashville and

charlotte which were great and then we have one more tonight in syracuse though by the time you guys listen to this episode that show would have already happened jake has already od'd on drugs at the after party we've already had the funeral i had the gut-wrenching weekend of being like do i fucking release this episode do i bother going through the motions of releasing this episode and i i finally with a lot of soul searching and talking to jake's closest friends and family decided you know what he would have he would have beat the shit out of me if i sat on this audio because this was such a solid ep for me not to release it would be would be taking a shit on the on the casket at the funeral which is also what i did uh just as

like a cute little joke but nobody nobody got it they thought it was like way way way too i'm gonna i'm gonna stand up for you right now that's a funny joke okay that's a good bit so i will die tonight yeah if i die tonight i would i put anybody at my funeral on blast oh my god official a post-mortem blast a posthumous post-mortem blast that's right a blast from beyond the grave blast from the past i'm putting you on blast for for for putting my boy on a blast for for taking a d on my g you think if i actually did it and your parents yelled at me and i was like guys listen to this like the looks on their the emotional gamut they'd have to run through being like i can't i don't know do i have to apologize

to amir now for shitting on my son no i can't there's there's some kind of middle ground if i actually die tonight and we actually released this episode And we actually talk about this And I actually take a shit I think you couldn't actually take a shit But if I did and I played this Would they be like No that means nothing That's almost as if like nothing happened

I think anybody in their right mind Would be like You shouldn't have done that He was obviously joking He was obviously joking But I do think that you could do You could make light of it in some way Like squatting on my grave

Yeah Like a real I think that would be a really nice, it would definitely blow up on Reddit, I imagine. At the very least on our subreddit. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, r slash Jake in the mirror. Let's give him a shout out right now. Yeah, r slash Jake in the mirror. You're my boys.

Y'all my boys. Y'all my girls. Y'all my motherfuckers. You know what I'm saying? And so I think if you, just like as in Judaism, you place a stone on the tombstone. Yeah, as a symbol or an homage. A solemn remembrance. Yeah.

I think you place a turd on there, and I think that's going to be the appropriate reaction. A little bite-sized snicker or like an actual little bit of fake turd that I have. Or a real turd. Oh, like I take a shit in a little plastic bag. Maybe even if you just posed for a picture with your butt near my tombstone. Oh. I think that's appropriate. Non-Photoshop, non-simulated.

I mean, I don't know. I'll be looking down on you from heaven. I'm going to give you the attaboy or the blast. I think I'll decide in the moment. Not only do you think heaven exists, but you think you're going there? Yeah. Yeah? You think you deserve that?

I think I'm special. After stating on this podcast uh over and over again how you think god is a laughable myth tantament to the uh the santa claus or the easter bunny you think you deserve to walk through those pearly gates high five moses and jesus and the rest of the boys i will say that if god's real i bet he's chill i bet he can laugh at himself he's got a he's got a sense of humor i really think i really think he thinks that he thinks it's quirky he thinks it's cute he's chill I bet he can laugh at himself he's got a he's got a sense of humor about this shit I really think he thinks

he thinks it's quirky he thinks it's cute so when I go up I'm like oh you heard that like Santa Claus shit that was so silly God give my bro

he'd give you a bro hug like one of those kinds where you slap and then like turns into a hug and he's like nah dude fuck it

I wouldn't believe in me either you guys start cracking the fuck up and then I'm like hey those those sets of footprints in the stands, when my life was the toughest, there's only one set of footprints. Why did you abandon me then, God?

That was me floating and fucking the ground. So each one of those footprints is my dick. What the fuck? Yeah, a bit of a joke. Lord? What? How dare you? I'm blue sometimes, is the Lord.

Lord? Excuse? How dare you? I'm blue sometimes as the Lord. Lord? Excuse me, Lord. Sorry, Lord, but you just took it a little too much. I'm going to have to stop you right then and there, Lord. My God, my Savior. Whatever did you mean? That was crass. Oh, Merce.

All right. Should we get started? We're going to get some questions. Yep. So these are real questions from real people, but we're going to give them fake names to preserve their... Anonymity, Daddy. Yay.

All right, enough. Did I get it right, Daddy? I don't like that. What's my prize? Get off of me. Give me your fucking dick. Stop that. Give me your dick, Dad.

Yeah, you're tickling me. You little pervert. Jesus Christ. That was weird, even by your standards, I think. I think, yeah. I didn't like it either. I assure you I hated it more than you. I was getting it to heaven right up until that bit.

No. So we're going to, this one's from a female. I figured since we're in Syracuse tonight, we'll give them some famous Syracuse alums. But since it's a female, I'll call this emailer Michelle Carter-Williams. Michelle Carter-Williams. Syracuse alum as in the basketball team. Yeah, those are the only people I know. I think you have to specify that because otherwise it just sounds like you don't know any famous

women who graduated Syracuse. Well, I can also name some football players too. If it's all male sports teams related I feel like you're off the hook a little bit. But if you're like, oh, it's all going to be influential Syracuse alumni. If this was from a girl, I guess

we'll give her a dude's name. Kind of like how every good girl in the world is just a guy in a wig. Yeah, Michelle Obama's actually married to, oh, wait, Obama's married to, never mind, whatever. All right, ready? My point was that it's Obama in a wig.

My point is that Michelle Obama's a guy named Michael Obama who graduated from Syracuse and he's wearing a wig and he wrote this email. Ready? Thank you. My stepdad looks at porn on his laptop quite a lot. If I ever have to use his computer, he doesn't delete his history much, so it's pretty clear which sites he goes to. I don't care that he does this. I mean, who doesn't look at porn? My problem is this. He doesn't get what are safe sites to go on. Not being tech savvy, I guess he finds what he wants mainly through Googling it, which leads him to clicking on some unsafe sites, which has given his laptop more than its fair share of viruses or other problems, which makes it rather slow. He doesn't seem to get that's causing his problems and blames it Wow. Solid question. Our relationship isn't casual enough that I feel comfortable bringing up the topic bluntly. Thanks. Michelle Carter Williams.

Wow. Solid question. I love that question. I love that the dad is blaming, like, Time Warner. This is garbage. We're switching to AT&T. It's also all because he's, like, trying to get his porn fast. It's the absolute root of all of the problems.

All right. The porn's not going fast enough. Hey, we're going to switch carriers because we can't stream Netflix or something. But your search history is just a series of smut sites, daddy. Fuck ass, damn it. This is her stepdad too, right? Yeah.

You can't bring it up. Also, a girl is writing this question. She's concerned about her stepdad. What a thoughtful caring person who just wants her stepdad to get to porn faster and not mess with his computer. Well, I think it's a little more selfish than that. I think she uses the computer too. Oh, yeah. I guess it's a shared computer.

Yeah, it's a shared laptop. I still think she's a good person. I still think she's a saint for that. It is funny to imagine people looking at porn by googling i've i've done that before what do you google i don't know like um sometimes if oh if i want like a specific video like if i'm into asian pov and then there's like i want to watch nautica thorn mom turn it down uh take it from behind in like a pov scene uh i i might say i might search nautica thorn pov and then um judging by the thumbnails i would click on one of those videos

i will say that i know i also know these sites that are unsafe and safe so so oftentimes i will only watch the video if i see that it's a link to a site that I already trust. Oh, I see. It's a trusted site. Right. But this guy, it sounds like he just like Googles random things and looks at whatever website comes up, which is definitely sometimes unsafe. It's a little scary. Also, like I feel like Macs are, I don't know if this is even true, but a lot of times I'll

deal with like pop-ups, but never any like actual viruses. Yeah. Viruses seem to attack PCs more than Macintosh computers, I feel. Right. So first piece of advice, maybe you should get a Mac. Yeah. Viruses seem to attack PCs more than Macintosh computers, I feel. Right. So first piece of advice, maybe you should get a Mac. Yeah. Or get him a MacBook Air for his birthday or a MacBook Pro or a MacBook, an old MacBook, an Apple product. I like the idea of a- A dedicated porn computer? Well, I have a dedicated porn browser. Oh, yeah, yeah. So like you use Safari for one thing and what's your porn browser? Chrome?

Firefox? I don't use Safari at all. Okay. You relax. On your phone you do. Okay. Well, that's because it's the native fucking. It's the native browser.

So what? You're using Chrome and then Firefox? So yeah, I'm using Chrome for my regular day to day, for my my email for my facebook for my for my you know yeah for any searchable issues that come up yeah and then for um for the pornography use i'll use firefox chrome for your porn friends and porn for your chrome friends excuse yeah you use porn for your chrome friends porn for my chrome friend all right so this this dad is trying to adapt to technology. I think that's cool. He's down to use porn on his computer.

I think that's good. That's taking a step. He just doesn't know how to use it correctly. That's right. Just like parents don't use Facebook correctly. They don't use pornography, online internet porn. It's hard because there's no class that you can give. You should teach a

porn watching class at like an adult community college that would be a waste of my time why because they probably don't pay me bank and i don't do shit i don't leave my house for less than four g's you know oh you know what my day rate is what are you talking i like won't make an appearance for less than 5k i just thought i ain't gonna impart knowledge on some old ass motherfucker who can't get off he doesn't know how to get to you porn.com that'll be like fucking 5k i don't know 5k dude i'm trying to make money i know you know i don't get behind this mic for less than 5k yes you do what yeah what are you talking about our sponsorships are way less than that are you serious we also did shows for several months before we even had a sponsor. What am I

doing? You're not even getting paid. It also goes into a separate fund. You haven't seen a dime of this money. We've spent it all on billboards and fundraisers for ladies who want to go to Ghana. Am I not rich? No. Really? Yeah. Are you dead serious right now? Oh, wait a second.

My dad is. Yeah. So aren't I rich now? No now no i mean that's his money not not all of it's his money he puts money into my account that's making it my money what are you talking about i have some of my dad's money so i actually have a lot of money. I guess. You guess. Sorry, since my dad puts $50,000 a week into my bank account, does that mean I don't have $50,000 a week unless I ask for more, which I often do. So does that make it his money?

Yeah. It's in my account? No, then at that point you are rich, but you should not be proud. I'm not proud. You are proud. I'm a little proud. You're happy and proud of that fact. I think it's cool. I think I proud. You are proud. I'm a little proud. You're happy and proud of that fact. I think it's cool.

I think I can do whatever I want. That's great. I love my mom. I love my dad's money. I love my sisters and my brother too. I love my whole family except my dad. I love my mom and I love my dad's money. You love your whole family except for your dad because he's the only one that gives you

money so you just love the money instead of your dad i love the money don't love my dad my dad's okay he's still my friend especially because he gives me money i love my mom i love my dad's money i love my sisters and my brother too oh you fucking asshole. You idiot coward. Whoa. Relax. Relax. That's a little too much hate. No, I won't relax. You deserve that.

I'll pay you to relax. All right. $30,000? Fine. Great. I'm over my Venmo limit for the month, but I'll owe you. Appreciate it. So what should this girl do?

I think two options. Drop the hint? I don owe you. Appreciate it. So what should this girl do? I think two options. Drop the hint? I don't know. It's sort of like heavy to hint at. I think you should set the default web page when you open the browser. I think you should set it to you porn.com, the homepage. Yeah.

Or like, um, I don't, there X videos is pretty good. X hamster. Well, you think setting the homepage to a porn site is a good idea? Well,

I mean, just initially just to introduce him to, uh, you know, one of the tube sites that's going to help them help them find the porn and they have their search functions. Yeah. And then he'll be like,

Oh my God, this site is great. But, um, you know, then hopefully I'll functions yeah and then he'll be like oh my god this site is great but um you know then hopefully he'll change it maybe he'll think that the that it was a virus yeah yeah yeah yeah but then i realized it was a good site okay okay option two i think you you get a new computer you say this one has a lot of viruses i think we should get a mac they're virus resistant and uh and then you he'll be happy to search maybe you buy him a laptop well you can't buy him you should suggest that he gets a laptop yeah i mean like you know if we use two separate computers then i think that'll be beneficial to all of us because you'll uh use your computer all maybe it's me that's slowing it down and then you blame it on

yourself then you sort of use that logic to force him to get his own computer oh that's nice you could like present it like it's a story that happened to somebody that you know like oh my friend had a similar virus he got it from a porn site i don't know where we got it from yeah maybe it popped up in your email you know what i looked at porn you take the you take the bullet for you say oh you, oh, you know, I think in the future, the best sights in life are free. Yeah. But you can give them to the birds and bees. I want porny.

Yeah. That's what I want. That's what I want. I want porny. Why are you saying porny? Well, I want money. Oh, I see. Yeah.

That's part of it. The best sights in life are free yeah but are the virus websites the ones that are non-paid is that what you're saying no i think i mean there are free sites that don't have viruses right yeah i think i'm not sure where the viruses come in i don't have that um issue yeah all right this that's my tech support tip uh uh apple apple product and if you can't buy a new computer then give him his own dedicated uh um web browser yeah hopefully that'll keep some things at bay at the very least you should get you can get like antivirus software and get rid of the viruses yeah rex morgan md or not him dr. Norton. Is that still a thing? I don't know.

I haven't used an antivirus software since 1994. Is Dr. Norton still alive? It's been a minute. Let us know. All right, that's our advice. Ready for question number two? Yeah. Yay.

This one comes from all the way from Carmelo Anthony. Huh? Carmelo Anthony writes, Guten Tag, Amir and Jake. On a less German note, I am in my fourth year at high school in Scotland, and over here we all wear school uniforms. Almost everyone, including me, just wears basic pair of trousers, shirt, tie, and jumper. Basic, but smart.

Here's where things get awkward. I was talking to my friend recently, who is one of the nicest, most friendly people I have ever met, and he would never really annoy or harm anyone. He was saying to me that over the holidays, he wants to hit the shops to buy a waistcoat to wear to school. I thought this was a terrible idea and would make him stand out in all the wrong ways. With him being so nice and all, I didn't want to hurt his feelings, so I just kind of brushed off the idea with a meh. Now the holidays are coming up and he wants me to go to get a waistcoat with him. It would not be a pretty sight and I just think people will think he looks weird and avoid him. How should I convince him that this is not the greatest plan or that he

should buy other clothes to look smart? Or am I being a dick and should I just him that this is not the greatest plan or that he should buy other clothes to look smart? Or am I being a dick and should I just let him do whatever the fudge he wants without me being a complete control freak? You're sincerely Carmelo Anthony. The last one, right? Isn't it obvious that it's the last one? The control freak thing? You shouldn't give a fudge and let him do whatever the f yeah let him do whatever the fudge he wants you're a control freak but the waistcoat you know what when i first heard this question i was like oh man this sounds embarrassing and then i looked up what a waist

coat was and it's just it's a vest it's nothing they look fine but he all he wears to school is a basic pair of trousers shirt tie and a, and a jumper. Basic but smart. Imagine this. He wants to wear a vest with that outfit. It sounds so... It's such a small leap that it's a step. It's nothing. I think it's great that you're so invested in your friend's outfit that you...

Well, you care about him. You don't want him to be made fun of because he's a nice guy. You should consider that. You're wrong. Yeah. He might look smart in it. It's like the friend finally does buy a waistcoat slash vest and wears it to school. And everyone starts complimenting him.

And his friend's like, all right, guys guys stop fucking playing into it it's clearly it's a shitty waistcoat you guys are just making fun of holding a towel up he's not wearing it he's wearing it as a joke i really i really think it's sexy actually shut up you bitch he's just making fun of you in a subtle subtle way i bet i promise you in if this guy does it next year everybody's wearing waistcoats yeah that. That's how fashion works, dude. One person is ballsy enough to take a risk, and the rest of the sheep follow. I'm telling you guys, I was the first one to start wearing fedoras. No.

Dude, yes. Yes, actually. I was the first one. I started to bring back those retro Ray-Bans, actually. Yeah. You know, with leather straps around your wrist? Yeah. That's me. I pioneered that shit. A lot of the stuff you're describing is bad though what are you talking

about the leather band the fedora bands make a dance bands make a dance that's what they're talking about in that song is leather bands yeah yeah makeands. Yeah, yeah. Make Girls Dance. Banza. Yeah. Tony Banza. So we would say, we would tell this guy to chill the F-O. What did our friend Matt say when we were talking about you wanted to get suspenders?

Yeah. He said you couldn't pull them off. Yeah. And he said, the only person who thinks you can't pull it off is you. That's right.

And that hit me so fucking hard that I bought suspenders and i've been too ashamed to wear them ever since the first time yeah i wore them and i i walked out i took one step into the street you were booed and somebody yelled you're a german homo and threw a hot dog at me wow offensive you were taunted to a point i've never seen anyone before where you not only returned the suspenders you tried to burn down a suspender store oh wait you said no one should ever have to deal with this scrutiny that i received turns out it was your face that people hated not the suspenders um so our yeah chill out dude chill out dude i think it's nice i do want to say that i think you're a good friend

for for kit for you know you you i think you're projecting your opinion a little too much here. Yeah. But he's coming from a good place of, like, my friend's nice, and I'm afraid people will make fun of him. How do I tell him not to do this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever had a friend that was, like, making a terrible fashion choice, and you want to, like, I say this to Dave all the time. There was one time Dave Rosenberg came to, I had a, me and my brother threw a Christmas party and like a bunch of people from the city came to my parents house and uh Dave Rosenberg uh drove up he showed

up he's wearing a braided belt he's really baggy um oh fuck what is it called when they're um oh pleated khakis and a pair of uh and a pair of like loafers with a little tassel on them. And I think he might have also been wearing a cashmere sweater with nothing underneath. All right. Just like pretty much the worst outfit I've ever seen a person in. And I couldn't help it. I did. I made fun of him until he changed.

You said, this is a bad look. I was like, what is happening right now? I like this braided belt. Yeah. Pleated khakis that are way too large for you they're too short and too wide and uh you're wearing you're wearing loafers yeah and he borrowed he borrowed clothes i remember you also put him on a somewhat blast for wearing like uh mesh shorts uh gym socks and uh shower sandals to work one day yeah i mean I mean, well, he has maybe the worst. He's an attractive dude. He's got, I think, the worst sense of style I've ever seen.

Or he just doesn't care. His style is not giving a shit. He so aggressively doesn't care. But I think it's to his detriment because he's a good worker. So he walks into a room and he's like, hey, this is how this should be. And everybody's like, okay, you're wearing Nick's jersey and Nick's hat and Nick's flannel pajama pants. So we don't want to listen to you.

We don't care what you think. I love Dave to death. Davey, if you're listening, you're amazing. I think you should buy new pants. That's all I'll say. Yeah, and it comes from a place of love. Exactly. And adoration.

I think maybe that's sort of a truism. As long as you're coming from a place that's pure of heart, I think you can offer your opinion. But at the same time, maybe the wet vest is chill. Yeah. I mean, let him do his thing. Maybe the vest is chill. I think the vest, personally, I think the vest could be chill. Then again, we made a whole video about making fun of people with vests, so aren't

you the hypocrite? Yeah, but we made fun of the person that was too insecure to pull it off. You said, why are you wearing the vest? And I could have been like, I like it. I think I look smart in this. And then you're the asshole. But if you're like, why are you wearing the vest and i could have been like i like it i think i look smart in this and then you're the asshole right but if you're like why are you wearing a vest i'm like i'm not then i'm an asshole our videos make fun of people who are people right they make not the people who are confidently wearing new clothing yes all right i'm off the hook i guess so thank god not really bad laugh change that what different Not really. Bad laugh. Change that. What? Be different. Be a different person. I will.

Thank you. I want to be different. Be a new guy. I want to be a new guy. Change yourself. But at the same time, keep my core values and beliefs. No, I want you to do that either. What?

Just, yeah, be different. You want me to be the same guy with a better laugh? Yeah, no. The laugh is really bad. And then in addition to the laugh, other stuff is also not bad. Yeah, other stuff is pretty bad too. Like what? I don't know.

Start over. Be born again. Why don't you – you should move somewhere else with different parents. What are you talking about? Maybe – I feel like 30 more years. You need 30 more years in the oven. What? Is that crazy?

Yeah. That's insane. At least stop the laugh. All right. Should we take a break or should we keep going on? Let's take a mini break. I like breaks. Oh, a mini break like in tennis.

Yeah, like if you're in a tie break and someone breaks your shirt. Is this what the break's going to be about? Yeah, this is like a mini break. What else is weird about tennis? The scoring system. I mean, who came up with this stuff? 15, 30, 40. It's arbitrary.

All right. We're at love 15. 15 all. Okay. Why don't we just say one one zero no no because after 15 comes 30 and then you know what comes after that oh 45 since you're counting my 15s no not that either so 15 30 40 and then you win the game oh so the match is over no no not the not the match the game it's like made by like a six

year old who was losing at this game and he's making up rules as he goes along he's like all right he got the first point so that's one nothing no it's 15 nothing like oh sure all right we got the second one so uh so i guess it's what 15 all yeah i lost the game all right it's over no it's not over because uh the game doesn't mean it's over. You have to win the set. I got us to deuce. That means that's a tie. You got to win two points in a row. You're a bad babysitter.

You just won one set. You have to win three sets. Idiot. So, where were we? 15-40 deuce. That kid grew up to be Patrick Rafter. That kid was Rod Laver himself, the founder of modern tennis. Wow. And he gave birth to Martina Navratilova.

If you can imagine. And then she fingered herself until Chrissy Everett came out. Jesus Christ. And then none other than Rafael Nadal after that. And that's the history of tennis. Close a book that just says Clifford the Big Red Dog. There's more dust on it than

any old book you've ever seen. You don't keep your books clean, man. Just ash everywhere. I'm blind talking to six scarecrows. Anyway, where were we? Heaven. Oh yeah. Is that why it's all white outside welcome to syracuse new york america's freezer america's icebox stands some abuse yes very good

syracuse has lots of sarah jews oh jews named sarah got it yeah uh Syracuse Orange. Orange, you glad you didn't go to school here? Hey, relax. We have to perform here tonight. I am actually excited. We have fun at big schools. Yes. Big schools with terrible weather, like Wisconsin. Right, where we can just stay inside and get fucked up after the show.

You know what I'm saying? Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug. I'm actually going to have a vitamin water, two hard-boiled eggs, and call it a night, I think. Hand? Yeah. Confused, Kanye.

Kanye, you're under arrest. Hand? Yeah, you... What the hand did I do? You're speeding. You're just acting generally disruptive. Public... Yeah, it's a public noise violation.

I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I don't know what to tell you. I mean, you've been acting pretty self-centered for a while now, and you've been getting by on some pretty good music, but it started to slip. When music started to slip? When music started to slip.

Did you hear New Slaves? Yeah. I don't think I exactly started to slip. I know, but it's definitely trending downward, and I don't think society is going to give you a pass anymore. So thank you so much. You got to chill out a little bit. Fuck you and your hampton house.

All right, forget it. Do we have anything to actually – oh, two episodes ago, we asked that lady to create a GoFundMe page to help her raise money for a volunteer trip to Africa because we said that a lot of people are too selfish to actually go themselves. You shouldn't feel ashamed to ask them for some money. Then we said, however much money you raise will match it. Obviously, we didn't realize she would raise this much, so deal's off the table. Deal's off. Have fun not going to Africa, actually. So instead, we planted a tree in Ghana. Not really in your name and under our name because we thought the tree would be more chill with our name.

The tree instantly died. I guess they can't exactly grow peaches there. That was our bad. Clearly, that's our fault. That's our ego. No, that page does exist. It is online now if you go to firewreyshow.com. Click on her GoFundMe page.

Give her some money and we still will match her dollar for dollar. Hopefully we can send this very helpful, generous lady off to Africa. Let's get to one last question. Uno mas. Before we have to leave and tell jokes to people at Syracuse. Oh, I'm so burnt out. I know. It's hard to be me. I have the hardest life.'m so burnt out. I know. It's hard to be me.

I have the hardest life. It's just like I just fucking... It's hard. I just have to be funny and that's it. Yeah, it's hard to talk a lot and it's hard to be funny and talk. It's hard. It's the hardest part about my life.

I've never practiced at this job except by accident. This is us warming up and it's only because we're recording something else. And we'd be having a conversation kind of like this if we didn't have microphones. Right. The only hard part is actually holding the microphone because we didn't want to carry our mic stands with us to Syracuse,

so we have to hold them in our own little hands. All right. Thanks for being fans of the two biggest, most selfish assholes on Earth. Here we go. Last question. One time. Here we go. let's go.

One last name. Derek Coleman. D.C. D.C., where the kids want to be. Dear Amir and Jake, do you believe bowels can ruin a relationship? Well, over the past few months, I started seeing this girl from work.

We get on really well, and up until recently, I found her majorly hot. Last week, the topic of colonic irrigation arose, and we spoke about how it would be really funny to have a deep cleansing as a couple's activity. We laughed it off, and I forgot all about it, but she brought it back up later and started talking about it seriously. I'm usually open-minded, so I didn't want to seem like a prude and give this girl the wrong impression, so I went along with it, still unsure if she would actually follow through.

Valentine's Day comes, and she surprised me with a double booking to a colonic irrigation session via Groupon. I couldn't say no at this point, so I decided to grit my teeth and bear it. It wasn't so bad until during her session, I couldn't say no at this point, so I decided to grit my teeth and bear it. It wasn't so bad until during her session, she beckoned over to watch the Perspex Tube funnel shit out of her. Was I meant to find this hot? Now I can't help but find her really unattractive, and I don't think I can carry on with the relationship. What should I do?

Even if I break up with her, can this be used as a valid excuse thanks for your advice and entertainment peace derrick coleman now before you answer this question i did look on groupon and colonic irrigation was an offer so if he's lying it's not about that what were you about to say is that true that is true oh my god i can't believe she got a groupon for a colonic. I can't believe this happened. Well, you are kind of like this guy. You find female shitting repulsive. I find all shitting repulsive. No, not necessarily yours.

Unless it's me. Yeah. But girls, you're like, whenever I have a crush on a girl and I want to get over it, I just imagine her shitting and it turns me off. Yeah. Right. That's true. Right.

I think because shitting, maybe it's because it's the great equalizerizer and like girls are i just view them as like these pristine little yeah cute and pretty and then i'm just like oh poop comes out of you gross you're gross your asshole is gross i but i still like assholes no obviously um i don't know man that's tough that's gross that is hard to why did you let it snowball to that point to the point where you're looking at a flunk of shit coming through a tube out of her asshole? Just because she beckoned you doesn't mean you have to go there, buddy. Yeah, what are you, at her beck and call? Oh, man.

I think after you see the poop coming out of the girl that you like, you're sort of screwed. Really? I think. That's the point of no return? I don't know. Well, especially if you're feeling like this now, maybe there's some version of life where you're like, it made me feel closer to her. It was like the most intimate thing I think anyone in her life has ever seen.

People get jealous. They're like, oh, this person fucked another person even before they knew me. It's just like, well, I just don't like that you imagine my girlfriend being in this situation or being intimate with someone that's not me. It's not nice to imagine. But now you can be like, the most intimate thing you can do yeah watch poop come out of someone yeah in a tube she shared it with you i wonder their water tube so eager to do it that maybe she's done this before maybe this is her move yeah this is her way to get close to people or maybe this is her way to break up with people it's like in vanilla sky which is like i

sucked your dick i swallowed your cum that means something right it's like you saw this shit come out of my asshole that's true you guys like i think the more intimate you guys get the closer you'll feel and the stronger the bond is but unless that at a certain point you get grossed out and you sort of start to retreat and i think that's what's happening and now i wouldn't necessarily if you break up say it's because um it's because of the uh colonic yeah you made us do yeah i wouldn't i wouldn't put it on that if you're gonna break up with her maybe uh create a different issue like uh the fact that she bought your valentine's day gift on groupon excuse you for that what is that so we're just looking for a discount shit i know it's the thought that counts but is it 50% off your thought?

I paid full price for this bouquet of roses and the chocolate, which you only eat to get sucked out of your ass by a tube. So I don't see how that's fair to either of us. What about turning this whole experience from negative into a positive by making a short film about it? So it's called The Colonic, and the opening shot are little kernels of corn corn and nuts like floating through this water, and you don't really know what it is, right? So imagine a little kernel of corn going through water. You're like, oh, that's cute. And then it looks like sort of like zero gravity, little chunks, maybe like a wet Snickers bar sort of floating through this time and space.

That's the second time you just said poop is Snickers. Yeah, and then that top dissolves into a lava lamp, okay? So it goes from horizontal to vertical, and it into a lava lamp. Okay, so it goes from horizontal to vertical and it's a lava lamp. Pan out to reveal two freshmen making out in their college dorm room. And only at the end do you realize that that food floating through the ember, floating through the space and time was actually the shit coming out of her brown eye. It's like you can't believe it, but it's finally here. It is the great callback of the year.

You're thinking, That was the most impressive thing we've ever done. I think so. Shit, I really felt it. It was good. Let's close the show. I think we have to stop. I'm going to put down the microphones and walk away.

I think this is the equivalent of a mic drop after we just thank our advertisers and playoffs out with one last song. Anything after this is a bunt after a walk-off home run, and we just can't afford to do that right now. Don't need it. Again, that email address to email us for your questions is at fireyshow at gmail.com.

We're also accepting, reviewing, and using theme song submissions. That first one was from Steve and, Steve and Geoff, or Jeff. And this last one is from someone named Jack. Thanks for listening, everybody. Peace. Jake and Miss got a podcast show With a different guy you don't even know I'm sorry but I stole The fire that was sold

But if the two-beater Jews Can't forgive me They're worth the weight in gold If I Were you If I were you I'd eat milk, chicken and beer And if I were you Sure that you would die for me

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