Segments - 65: Nice Guys Finish Last

Episode Date: March 3, 2014

In this episode we discuss ghosts, sneezing, and Seal. This episode is brought to you by NatureBox -- Delicious/nutritious snacks delivered to your home! Check them out: bit.ly/1idZxFp See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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See terms at picksix.draftkings.com slash right promos there it is thanks draftkings later there is so many problems that you can face all alone These two Jews will help you with their podcast show You, you, you Sex is dick's heart, not the pill Did you know that podcast shows Can ease all your problems And lighten your burdens You see Baby

I can build you to a thing From a life From my past But as we get the ball It gets real I'm telling you If I were, here's what I'd do in your place. Baby, I could pay you to do a thing for my life, for my best. Ooh, if I were you, get the ball against your head I'm telling you, if I were you

Here's what I'd do in your place We're out of time. That was good, but it was weird, right? Why was it weird? That was Kiss from a Rose? Yeah. What other timely song could he possibly parody? I mean, he clearly was talented, but what an interesting song to choose to parody.

Yeah, because it's not like Kiss from a Rose has anything to do with our podcast. No, it's not even like, it's not like a, I don't know. I'm mad about it. Really? Yeah. I hate to put Seal himself on blast. It tickles my brain in a bad way. I don't understand what happened.

Well, that song was written by Samuel Gray, and he has a Bandcamp page. So if you go to planetaryarchive.bandcamp.com, you can hear more of his songs. They're all Seal covers. Yeah, they're all Seal covers. Can you name one other Seal song? No.

Did he have other songs? He must have, right? He's Seal after all. Seal is very famous for someone named Seal. He's still, yeah, he's still famous. Did he have any other songs? He had one song. And then he married Heidi Klum.

Yeah, and his name is Seal. Yeah, well, that's pretty cool. Just, hey, my name is Michael whatever. I don't know what his real name is. But you can call me Seal. Let's seal the deal. Heidi Klum. May I be your groom?

I want to be named after just a really slick, wet animal. You can call me not the seal, just seal. That's right. Not walrus, not otter, I'm seal. Hey, it worked. There you go. We're still talking about him. Yeah, thanks to Samuel Gray.

Hey, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Josh. Oh, we didn't tell people that you legally changed your name. Yeah, I'm now Josh. Yeah. Sort of a different guy, different vibe, better person, chiller man. That's me.

That's Josh. Yeah, you wanted to change your personality, but instead you just changed your name. Yeah, and I'm using it to get pussy. Yeah. Now that your name is Josh, you can finally get pussy. I can't tell you how many times... The only thing that was holding me back... ...was your name Jake.

That fucking loser name. You think if you had a worse name, you'd hook up with less girls? How bad are we talking? A mere bad? No, not enough. Daryl. Daryl. Daryl? Yeah.

As many girls? Trev? It's interesting. I would probably have to give myself a nickname. Like Jake or Josh or Seal. I don't know. I don't think my name is ever like a deal closer for anybody. But it definitely helps your case.

You're like, oh, I'm tall. I'm cool. I'm Jake. Yeah. It's like, oh, I'm tall. I'm cool. I'm Morty. I'm tall.

I'm cool. I'm suave. I'm Trev. Hey, did you hook up with that guy, Trev? No, I was going to, but I don't want to tell people that I hooked up with that guy trev nah i was going to but i don't want to tell people that i hooked up with uh with a guy named trev i met a dude at a bar one time who was like i named my son hunter just because i thought someday somehow it might get him laid wow that's really cool yeah who told you that some dude at a bar when uh in new haven some way somehow like i just really

thought like maybe one day it might, you know, it's not going to happen all the time, but one time it might get him laid. It's a cool enough name. And it is. Hunter? Hunter's a pretty badass name. Yeah, it's true. Because it means you hunt. Yeah. Yeah. It's much better than seal, which is

an animal that's hunted. Oh, shit. What about the name hunted? That's kind of cool. Oh. Hunted. What's your name? is an animal that's hunted oh shit what about the name hunted that's kind of cool oh hunted what's your name hunted how do you smell hunter no hunted people looking for me that's kind of cool you're like i'm most i'm america'm hunted. Hunted Hurwitz. You know, some people are named Walker. So, uh, another name would be walked. Yeah.

Yeah. Hunted and walked. Just names that are just past tense verbs. Walked Texas Ranger. Hunted S. Thompson. So how does the podcast work? Well, we get emails from people in sticky situations asking us for advice. We don't know why, but I don't know.

I guess they're desperate. And we do our best to help them advise out of their terrible places. We give these real emails fake names to preserve their anonymity. Since it's Oscar Sunday, why don't we go with oscar names i like that yeah so we need uh we need a dude a dude oh who is nominated for an academy award a dude nominated for an academy award oh my i'm drawing a blank i honestly i don't know one person that's ever been nominated. Matthew McConaughey. Oh, yeah.

He should totally win. He should win for True Detective. Oh, man. I guess if this is coming out tomorrow, we'll already know if he won or not. So I'll just say Oscar winner, Matthew McConaughey. Right. Hey, guys. So I'll be going to college in six months. Last weekend, I visited campus for a three-day, two-night trip with a bunch of other incoming freshmen.

I met this girl there who I immediately hit it off with. But then I had to go home at the end of the weekend. Now, it's been a week and we are very interested in each other. But we both think long-distance relationships are dumb. We have six months before we can actually go to the same college and can actually date. What can we do to avoid, A, not enjoying the last six months at home because we are only thinking about the future, and, B, burning through all the emotions of an entire relationship before we even see each other again

and then not want to date once we do actually see each other? Love, Matthew McConaughey. Oh, Matthew McConaughey. This guy's very emotionally intelligent for an 18-year-old incoming freshman. He's not emotionally intelligent. Yeah, he doesn't want to burn through the emotions of a relationship. That's like a very mature question to ask. I guess the immature stupid thing is entering into a relationship with an incoming college freshman

who you met at orientation week, going into a long-distance relationship, and then guaranteeing you're going to date her when college starts well he doesn't know if he wants to date her or he doesn't want to be with her during this six month interim or does he i don't know reread the top of the question uh we immediately hit it off but i have to go this weekend now it's been a week and we are very interested in each other but we both think long distance relationships are stupid we have six months before we can end up going to the same college so what can we do to avoid not enjoying our last six months at home because we are only thinking about the future and be burning through all the emotions of an entire relationship before

we get to see each other i say so he basically doesn't want to ignore her and then lose her, but he also doesn't want to get into a hot and heavy relationship right now and then not see her again for six months. Well, they shouldn't even date when he gets to college. Oh. No girlfriends, not in college. That is your single time. That's your rule. That's your single time, bud.

But what if you fall for someone? You can't control that, can you? Falling for someone? Yeah. Sure you can. You can control falling for someone? Every move I make is calculated. So you can say, oh, I'm just going to hook up with people and then not allow yourself to fall for someone?

No, that's not really true. I don't know, man. Sir. Sir. Seal. true i don't know man sir sir seal i do think you guys do you should not get into a relationship on like an orientation weekend yeah but you can have a crush on someone on orientation weekend well he's saying how do we how do we not burn through all of our emotions yeah he's like okay now i'm texting her every night and then we're gonna have phone calls every night yeah it's gonna escalate if he doesn't want that then he has to stop doing it so he just has to de-escalate the relationship yeah there's a lot

of things on your plate right now bub you gotta you gotta you gotta imagine that like this is your senior year of high school this is your last summer with your friends. Don't enter into a long distance relationship right now. Enjoy the ride. Right. And then see what happens when college starts because she's not even going to be the only girl there. She was the only girl at this orientation weekend where you had three nights and look what happened. So imagine you have like four years. Imagine if you have a thousand nights.

Yeah. College is amazing. Okay. Your college was awful. Okay. Look. Yeah, it's, college is amazing, okay? It was. Your college was awful. Okay, look, that's not fair. Isn't that true though? Yeah, I had a bad experience in all four colleges that I went to.

Which is funny because you're such a, it seems like you would have an amazing time at college. Yeah, it was weird. I think I was so anxious to like be a-up that I never wanted to be in college. Meaning? When you were in college, you wanted to be out of college. Yeah, when I was in college, all I wanted was an apartment. And now that you have an apartment, all you want to do is go back to college. I miss college, dude.

You have more fun in college now than you did when you were in college. Oh, that's definitely true. We were at Syracuse the other weekend, and we just r just raged our faces off yeah but do you think you could have done that at age 18 no i tried and i wasn't allowed into parties you like that's the shitty thing but i mean i don't know all schools are different but the shitty thing about where i went to school my freshman year is like you had to number one know someone at the party and then give somebody five bucks for a cup and then still get shit on in the line when you're filling up the beer and like yeah it was just it was like

hazing the entire time yeah it's not fun to go out to those kinds of parties i had some sort of weird drunken realization when we were out partying in syracuse which was it took me 10 years past college to become cool enough to be a cool person in college. And then now that I'm a 31-year-old hanging out at college parties, it's definitely not cool. So I went from being uncool in college to being cool enough, but the fact that it took me 10 years is now even less cool than being uncool in college. It's too late. It was a lose-lose situation.

A lose-lose loser. I'm a lose-loss loser-loss. I was uncool then, and now I'm, I guess, even less cool now for partying at colleges at 31. And, yeah, just sort of trying to, like, figure out how cool you are at college parties. Yeah, that's like another layer. You're still, like like analyzing being this is i feel like we talked about this on the podcast though when we were like psyching and psyching ourselves up in the bathroom at the at the yale concert at the yale show like should we go to

this party like it's gonna be fun all right let's go are you sure they won't think we're losers and then we go in and just like a bunch of 19 year olds hanging out yep uh good times slightly sad but uh good times ultimately great uh so your advice is to taper off this relationship i would say taper it off what would you say i would say yes try to taper it off but it's hard because it's like if you have a crush on someone you do want to talk to them a lot it's hard to be like so self-aware that you're like, I like this person, but I can't let myself like them more. So I'm going to not text them. Right. That usually sort of like sets you up on that downward spiral or, you know, not necessarily downward, but you're caught up in that vortex of your emotions are going to be like going into overdrive because you're trying to tell them not to.

So I guess like as long as you talk to her, do your thing, as long as you're trying to tell them not to so i guess like as long as you're talk to her do your thing as long as you're happy and as soon as it starts like being stressful like that's not a good thing and i think he want what he wants to do is like keep that line of communication open like maybe a text every five to ten days that way you're just like constantly in that person's consciousness 10 days that way you're just like constantly in that person's consciousness 10 days that way you're just like constantly in that person's consciousness but it's not like a constant stream of communication yeah that way when she hears from you or you hear from her it's like exciting it's not like a daily basis thing that's good 10 days that way you're just like constantly in that person's consciousness but it's not like a constant stream of communication

yeah that way when she hears from you or you hear from her it's like but it's not like a constant stream of communication. Yeah, that's nice. That way when she hears from you or you hear from her, it's like exciting. It's not like a daily basis thing. That's good. That's good advice. Really? Yeah.

Thank you. You're welcome. Okay. You think I'm a good advisor? No. Oh, bless you. Excuse me. A little sneeze-a-roo.

Yeah. A little Sunday...a-roo. Yeah. A little Sunday sneeze. How am I supposed to remember that? Episode 65 will go down in history as Jake's first live sneeze. Episode 65, a.k.a. the sneeze. The sneeze. The sneeze-a-roo. Yeah.

How am I supposed to remember that? Episode 65 will go down in history as Jake's first live sneeze. Episode 65, a.k.a. the sneeze. The sneeze. The sneeze-le. Yeah. The sneeze. As Jake's first live sneeze.

Episode 65, a.k.a. the sneeze. The sneeze. The sneeze-le. Yeah. The sneeze-le. I'm the sneeze-le. Jake's first live sneeze. Episode 65, a.k.a. the sneeze jake's first live sneeze episode 65 aka the sneeze the sneeze yeah i'm the sneeze uh was it when you said my my uh diet's ridiculous

you're you're talking to your mom about how unhealthy you eat. Because your mom's like, oh, maybe you're sick because you're bad nutrition. You're like, I don't know. How did you say it? You have to understand, I usually eat garbage. My diet's ridiculous. What is that impression? I don't know.

I have no idea what that was. My, my. No, mama. Don't, Mama. Come on, Mama. Sort of like Danny Zuko. Yeah. Oh, Sandy. My diet's ridiculous.

Yeah, I eat garbage. Yeah. I sit. I wonder why, yeah, yeah. Yo, why? Fries, fries, fries, oh, fries. Yo, Frank's Red Hot. Frank's Red Hot.

We should try to get them to sponsor an episode. I love Frank's Red Hot. Yeah, but I don't think that's how it works. That'd be a cool thing to do for when we run out of sponsors. Yeah. We do like a wannabe ad get. Uh-huh. Oh, we just say.

And we say to Frank's Red Hot and be like, hey, we just advertised for you guys for free because we're such big fans. And now will you give us money to advertise again in the future? And they'll be like, no, I mean, we didn't even notice you guys moved a single needle on IOTA. So why would we pay? Thanks, Franks. Thanks. I actually just saw a Starbucks commercial for the first time ever.

You saw a Starbucks? A TV Starbucks ad. That's cool. I love Starbucks. for the first time ever. You saw a Starbucks? A TV Starbucks ad. That's cool. I love Starbucks. I follow them on Instagram. Yeah. They don't need ads. Yeah, they just have a lot of stores.

People are just oddly addicted to their pretty much not very good coffee. How dare you say that? I mean, the fact that I like their coffee means it's not good. That's not true. Because I'm not a coffee drinker. You like Macklemore. Do you think he's not good? I think he's great.

I think your opinions are valid. I think I only like things from Seattle, I guess. Yeah, your opinions should be celebrated. Seattle, Washington. But I'm not a coffee drinker. I feel like coffee drinkers don't like Starbucks. Well, I mean, I'm a coffee drinker and I like Starbucks. I guess coffee snoers don't like Starbucks. Well, I mean, I'm a coffee drinker and I like Starbucks. I guess coffee snobs don't like Starbucks.

Yeah, I guess maybe not, but like, fuck coffee snob. Fuck a coffee snob, dog. Yo, I'm an every man coffee man. I'm an average Joe, an average cup of Joe. From my favorite place on earth, Starbucks. My dive's ridiculous. My dive's ridiculous. Who is it?

It's like sort of Will Smith, sort of John Travolta, a.k.a. the world's most popular Scientologist. Yes, the perfect man if you just remove John Travolta. All right. Next question. Yeah. We need a female Oscar winner's name. Of Sandy, Sandra Bullock.

She is classy. She is ravishing. She's got independent. Class coming out her ass, dude. Absolutely. She's got an ass full of class. Riveting. She is riveting. Hey, guys is sandra bullock long time listener first time writer so here's my problem i've been texting this

guy for a while and we've hung out a bunch of times it's been a few months and we've hooked up and all but last night i was talking to him and he said something rather disturbing. He told me that he believes strongly in ghosts. And he sleeps with a kitchen knife next to his bed every night because he's scared of the ghosts that live in his house, which he thinks is haunted. All I could think of, sorry, I tried to be sympathetic, but all I could think of was, what the fuck?

Is this enough to break it off with him or should I give this ghost boy a chance despite this weirdness? Please help, Sandra Bullock. Sandy, that is a weird predicament. I think the problem is not that he believes in the ghosts, but that he's afraid of them. You can't date a scaredy cat. He also doesn't understand ghosts. Butchers, a knife to stab

you. They're transparent. Everything goes right through them. You can't fight a ghost with a knife. That's not smart. That's not how you do it. The ghost's probably going to use the knife against you. What you need is a ghost busting box, a device. Who are you going to call?

Ghost busters! Could you fall in love with someone that strongly believed in ghosts? I think so, yeah. You think so? I mean... Nah, you're stupid. I'm not sure I could fall in love with someone who strongly believed in anything.

Oh, interesting. What does that mean? I like when people are flexible. Oh, so you like someone that doesn't have any strong beliefs? I don't know. I guess there's like some strong beliefs. Like, I don't know. That's not necessarily true.

But I mean, ghosts, that's pretty weird. Would you say if you believe in ghosts,'re dumb no because i mean i don't know if everyone believes to me it's like somebody saying they believe in god is like saying i believe in ghosts right it's just you yeah okay how about this do you think if someone sleeps with a knife next to their bed because he's afraid of a ghost attack would you say that person's dumb yeah i would say that person's like a pussy yeah so you can be like you're like i i think it's okay i i can sort of be like oh yeah i'm like in touch with my spiritual side i i i believe they're like i don't know i that sounds insane but like i believe in ghosts it seems sort of like a statement i could like talk to someone about like why do you believe in ghosts and they have like maybe they had an experience or they have a story or whatever right about, like, why do you believe in ghosts? And they have like, maybe they had an experience

or they have a story or whatever. Right. But if they're like, yeah, I believe in ghosts and I'm actually, I'm pretty terrified of them. And so much so that I try to, I keep protection near my bed in the form of a knife that I can stab said ghost with just in case. I was in a knife fight with a ghost.

There was a poltergeist and I tried to kill it with a poultry knife. Still got it. Poltergeist, poultry knife. I will say that was episode 65 will go down in history as the first live sneeze and one of the best examples of wordplay that I think I've offered. Here's a question. Is a poultry knife a real thing? Yes.

A poultry knife? Yes, it is. I think so. It sure sounds like it should be. Want me to Google it? You're like, I don't want to take anything away from this perfect rhyme you can buy a knife for poultry i of course so what kind of knife is it is it different than so there's steak knives and poultry knives yeah like oh we're having chicken tonight take out the poultry knives i will say

poultry knife is yeah it's a yep it's a thing yeah a victorinox poultry knife, three and a three quarter inch straight vent boning knife. I like to imagine you're not looking at Google right now. You're just closing your eyes and remembering something you read. Remembering my dad stabbed me with a poultry knife. I would say, I guess i i agree with you it's okay to be spiritual enough to believe in the possibility of ghosts but to keep a knife by your bed and be afraid of ghosts is something that maybe you should grow out of at age eight it sounds like he's a 18 to 25 year old i don't know how old this person is with an eight-year-old's brain is there anything that you're like that level of scared of in your life still uh i guess i don't like bees

so i do yeah i carry around a butcher's knife if i go on a hike i uh i know that i need to stab bees i'm really accurate accurate with my bee knife. I've killed many, many bees with my bee knife. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think... I'm definitely not that scared of real things, let alone things that are probably not real. Yeah, wow. I would like...

Why does he still feel like he needs to sleep with a knife next to his bed? How many nights in a row has he not seen a ghost? But he's still like, no, it's haunted and I want the knife there. I just know for a fact that the first night where I keep the knife away, I mean, there's a reason they haven't attacked me and I think it's the knife. And if I keep it away, all of a sudden they've lulled me into a false sense of security and the ghost will attack me. That's actually smart.

I'll say that. A ghost has never attacked a human. That's the first thing people should know about ghosts. Yeah, that's true. Ghosts always just creep people out. Like, you close a mirror and then you see a translucent six-year-old girl sitting at the foot of your bed. Why are there always

six-year-old girls that are so scary, too? It's always like a girl that died or an abandoned children's asylum. Yeah. I could kick the shit. A tiny little black-haired girl. Yeah. I could kick the shit out of a six-year-old girl. Honestly, I'm not trying to be a diva, but I could wipe the floor with any kid, boy or girl, five to ten. No problem. I beat the shit out of them.

Especially a ghost. Yeah, especially a ghost girl who's malnourished and rotted away in an insane asylum. I could fucking destroy her. Yeah, especially because she's probably only there because an adult actually killed her at one point. Exactly. So she's already proved her weakness. It's true. And now you're ready to get at her again.

That's a lot of the times the girl from The Ring, she'll crawl out of the TV and you're scared. So you're like, your defense is up and you're like, oh, no, no, don't hurt me. But, like, if you were a little more forceful and, like, the girl from the ring crawls out of the TV and you'd be like, yo, yo, what the fuck do you think you're doing? And she's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, I was trying to scare you. I'm like, yeah, well, I don't think so, bitch. Get back in the TV. I ain't afraid of a fucking six-year-old. You don't need a knife.

Just tell it off. Would you say you ain't afraid of no ghost? I ain't afraid of no ghost. That's a really funny line of that song. I ain't afraid of no ghost. Yeah, I guess you're not afraid of no ghost. Good. You shouldn't be.

I ain't afraid of no ghost. You're not allowed to be afraid of anything. As an adult. As when you grow up, you can't be scared. You can't be scared. When was the last time you were scared? The other day when we came home and the door was open. Oh, yeah.

Like, you can be scared of people, can't you? Robbers. Not me. I ain't afraid. You can't be afraid of robbers. I ain't afraid of no person. I ain't afraid of no crime. I guess I would be afraid of a robber if he was, like, in the house.

But pussy. Maybe I would. I mean, I have the bat. Yeah. Yeah, you have the bat. Yeah. Yeah, you have a bat. Yeah. So what can a robber have that's worse than a bat? I guess, yeah, if he had a gun, it would be.

But I'd bat away the bullet. Oh, yeah. So he'd shoot it, and then you'd hit it away like a fastball. Yeah. And then it would ricochet off your bat and go through the guy's throat i don't know if i could do that but i could definitely foul it off you small petty self-aggrandizing asshole you think you can foul off a bullet yeah yeah i think i could i think if i i can def make, maybe a bloop single to left field. I'm not about to lay down a fucking bunt like a coward.

But I swear to God, I can at least turn two bases out of this thing. You think I could hit a bullet with a bat? I don't think it's possible to do that. That'd be like a weird sports science documentary thing. Yeah, that's cool. All right. We got Raul mondesi to try to hit this that's like the level of xmlb players that they can get for this weird experiment louis soho we got louis soho here to try to hit a 31 caliber rifle just shoots him in the neck i don't know

anything about guns is 31 caliber a thing i don't know anything about guns. Is 31 caliber a thing? I don't know anything about guns either. I've never shot a gun. Do you know what caliber means? Isn't caliber like the width of the bullet or something? Oh. That's totally a guess. But it must be, right? I don't know. I'm not

looking that up. Poultry knife I needed. Alright, should we take a break or was that kind of a break? This was sort of a break. But is there anything that you want to take a break about? Is there anything we want to talk about? Monday. We have a show on Thursday night at Colgate.

Oh, yeah. Do you happen to go to Colgate University? If you go to Colgate, go to our show. Nine people? Yay! That would be huge. Finally! If nine people listen to this show, they go to Colgate? You think that's a lot? Yeah, I guess that's a good amount. That's a lot.

Colgate University, what up? Colgate! This show's just for you. Yo. Yo. Yeah, I got nothing. Great. Oh, the email address that you can email us is at fireyshow at gmail.com. You can also please keep sending theme song submissions. This hardly counts as a break.

That was not. That was. I can mention that. It was three plugs. No, it wasn't. You don't break down any walls, dude. Talk to me. I want to know who you are.

What? I want to know who you are. This whole podcast is us talking about stuff. I fucking love you all right thank you i thank you i appreciate i love you thank you i appreciate that this is insane yeah it is insane it's called saying i love you too well actually you should be saying it first i should i love you. That's what it is. I didn't say anything.

I know. You've never ever fucking, honestly? Yeah. In our friendship, have you ever told me you loved me? No. You don't think you have? No, I don't think I have. Do you love me?

I guess I love you as a friend. Yeah, that's all I need. Thank you. Why did it have to take me... Why did it have to drag it out of you? Why? Have you ever said I love you to me? I think so. Oh, yeah, definitely.

When you were sober? I think probably. I've definitely said it about you. Like, I love Amir to people. Oh, yeah. I've said that in front of you. But you're a very emotional guy. I don't say I love anybody to anybody.

Right. Do you say I love you to your mom and dad? No, I don't think so. I think they just feel that love. I never say I love you. Wow. That's so weird. Maybe not.

Yeah. No, I don't. Never? You must sometimes. i must have sometimes but i i'm not we're not like the type of family that says it at the end of conversations what about when you had a girlfriend would you say at the end of conversation would you be like all right i'm gonna go to work i love you uh yeah girlfriend more because you know bitches bitches need constant reassurance yeah bitches be crazy yeah bitches need validate and bitches better say that to me, too, because I need to love more than they do. Bitches be better than me.

Yeah, bitches better tell me how much I mean to them. Otherwise, my existence doesn't mean anything without said bitch's validation. I love you. Thank you, man. I appreciate you. Thank you, man. I appreciate that. And I think that you are also good and I have strong feelings for that, for you as well.

All right. Third question. Yeah. Yeah, I guess. What's the fucking point? Third question. Love you. Let's do it. I already said it. I fucking point? Third question. Love you. Let's do it.

I already said it. I love you as a friend. Why do you have to qualify it like that? What do you think I want out of it? What do you mean? Like, I love you. You think it's like a gay lover thing? I'm going to be construed as a romantic thing.

Or like, I love you like a brother, I think. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay, I love you as a brother. Yeah, but just say I love you. You don't need to be like, I love you as a brother, I think. Oh, yeah, yeah, okay. I love you as a brother. Yeah, but just say I love you. You don't need to be like, I love you as a brother. All right, how about this? I'll say I love you as a brother, and then I'll mouth the as a brother part, so it'll be like... All right, that's fine, because the mic's in front of your mouth anyway.

I love you. You moved the mic. I saw it. I also think it was a bit of an audible whisper. People heard the mushing of your lips against your gums. This will forever be known as the podcast where I had the live sneeze, the amazing wordplay, and where I finally got Amir to tell me he loved me. The big three. This is a podcast for the for the history books people i think if

anybody out there is taking our oral history this is the one this is the one to point your friends to when things things got more than real yeah they they got true they got honest they got got yeah that's i wouldn't say that's more I would say those are just synonyms for real. Yeah. Yeah. Things not only got real, they got other things that are what real means. Valid. Yeah.

Valid. Things got valid. Uh-huh. Let's get to our last question. Okay. Sort of apropos, we need a guy's name. Matthew McConaughey. No, we already used him. He is that good. All right. Matthew McConaughey no we already used him

he is that good who's another guy that was nominated for an Oscar Leo DiCaprio Leonardo DiCaprio right so I was dating this smoke show for a couple months we were getting along really well

and we had a lot in common the bad news hit when she went to a party, got drunk, and made out with some other dude. I broke up with her and have moved on, but I can't help but thinking that maybe I need to change my approach. I am always nice and polite to girls, but things end up going wrong. So my question is, do nice guys finish last? Should I be disrespectful towards women? Heh. Thanks always for keeping it real.

Love, Matthew McConaughey. I thought it was Leo. Oh, love, Leonardo DiCaprio. That is such a bad question. Should I be a jerk? Heh. No. But is there something to that?

I don't think so. You don't think there's something to that? I don't think so. You don't think there's something to the fact that you can be so nice that it's borderline boring and girls get disinterested in you? I guess I don't think there's ever anything boring about being nice to people. Maybe if that's all you are and you're not funny and interesting and you're just like boring and nice that's not good but i don't think it's like being a dick that makes people attracted to you so what is it um just like being hot but isn't there something hot about being a little edgy and mean maybe i guess it's i mean it works differently for everybody. I don't have any of that.

What do you mean? I don't have like an edgy meanness in me. Sure you do. You think that I'm like, you think I have meanness? Yeah, I think part of your appeal is that you're like very open about how dishonest you are. Oh,

right, right, right. And that's like, oh yeah, I don't treat people nicely. And like, oh, that's interesting. That's intriguing't treat people nicely and like oh that's

interesting that's intriguing and like when when girls tell girls about your like you're like oh when girls try to dissuade girls they're like that only drives them closer to you yeah that's true but that's not like me that's sort of me being a scumbag i guess right but you're not being super nice and super polite and you think that's helpful i'm always nice and polite so what is it um just being hot i think like having nice lips it really comes down to not being cool or edgy as much as it is having nice uh nice lips right like my features are good and i'm tall and i like and i'm and you have a cool name yeah and i'm i would walk into a room and people are like oh this guy is attractive and then

somebody is like oh do you know he's famous yeah and then somebody else is like yeah he actually is rich and then who says that i don't know just like people it's sort of a buzz and then so some so then i'm in a room and i'm'm attractive, rich, famous, great lips. And then I have like, and then I'm just charming when I start talking to people. Yeah, and then you have that confidence because all the other stuff is correct as well. So what's the question? Do nice guys finish last yeah is there something to the fact that perhaps you can be too nice that borders on boring that allows uh or causes ladies to not be interested in you

yeah i don't know i guess you just have to like choose what ladies are going after yeah i mean on one hand it's accurate to be like just be yourself and you'll attract the ladies that are attracted to you so if you're super nice you're going to attract a super nice lady who doesn't want an even an iota of bad guy in them however i do think even beyond that there is something to and i might have uh heard this before where i'm like too uh i have like not like an edginess to me, and that can come off as boring, and that could lead to people being bored with me. You're talking about you yourself specifically? Yeah, me and myself specifically.

Well, you're funny though, so that gives you an edge. Right, but it's not like, yeah, I don't know. I mean, you don't smoke cigarettes. I don't smoke cigarettes. I don't wear leather jackets., you don't smoke cigarettes. I don't smoke cigarettes. I don't wear leather jackets. I'm against tattoos and motorcycles. And those are all the things it takes to be cool. Yeah, at least in 1958.

But, yeah, I think it does, it isn't a terrible idea to be a little edgy and a little, I don't know, I don't want to say be mean. Right, well, I don't think being an asshole is ever good. No. I really don't. I guess you could, there's no reason to be overly nice to someone if you don't feel like it's suiting you or bettering your situation. Yeah, I don't know. But at the same time, I don't want to tell somebody who's super, super nice

to be a little mean. But what can they do to make it not as boring? I guess just be a little more aloof. Make people feel like they have to work for your affection. Not be mean, but just be like, I'm interested in a lot of things. And maybe not necessarily like, am I gung-ho interested in you being super nice? Because I think that's more what turns people away less than like, you know, not people just being like really nice, but just people sort of being over interested.

So like, just be silent for a little bit. Yeah. We're that quiet game. Yeah. Don't say anything. Brood. You're good at that.

Or brood or rude? Rude. Oh, be rude. Brood. No. Be rude. Brood. You you should be always be brooding be me uh what do you mean i'm good at that oh i'm good at not saying anything i was talking

about leo dicaprio's good at brooding oh yeah yeah that too but it's also true like maybe stace i don't know i don't even know what i'm saying at this point like i just i don't want to say be meaner but at the same time i feel like being too nice can be a bad thing. Yeah. I guess being overly nice is not necessarily good because it does make you more – Kind of a pushover, kind of a – But I think what's – Not as exciting.

What's hot is to be unavailable. I find that if I'm at a party, I'm doing a lot better if i'm like if i'm sort of like being a social butterfly like walking around to lots of different conversations and like i'm not really i don't have time for anybody right and then i like someone who's seen me like bouncing around everywhere like see me sit down and just focus on them yeah it's like oh wow all right now i've like i got his attention right something that he wasn't hasn't given anybody at this place so far. Right, so I think it's more about that, less about being mean, and more about being unavailable, because that's hot.

There it is. Okay, so you said it for me so that I didn't have to say it at all. Don't be mean. Be unavailable. Or quiet. Or seemingly disinterested. Or just be Leonardo DiCaprio. Is it too late to give that bit of advice?

Because that's what I want to say always. Be Leo. Be, be-o DiCaprio. Uh-huh. Be Leo DiCaprio. That's right. That's right.

That's right. Yeah. Yeah. All right. That's, that's officially our time i already said where you can send emails to so i don't have to say it again i don't have to say if i reshow at gmail.com because we already mentioned it at the break yeah we don't have to tell them to send

their theme song submissions there too yeah even though they can uh that first one was from samuel gray and this next one is from audra ev. That name sounds familiar. I think we've played a song of hers before, but this one's also very good. We'll be back on Thursday. It's a short week. So we'll see y'all soon. Cheers. Later. Love you. If I were you, would shit get real? Yes, it does. If I were you, oh, I'd kill myself Yes, I would Jake and me If I were you

Here's what I'd do The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only.