Segments - 66: 0 to 200

Episode Date: February 17, 2025

In this episode we play some games, mock some interviews, and talk dairy.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. It's pretty interesting gesture from you. Now let's meet you two pathetic hoes Seconds It's a pretty interesting gesture from you. That looked a little bit like the Elon Musk, My heart goes out to you. My heart goes out to you. My heart goes out to you. Yeah. It was really stiff. What's all the hubbub about?

His heart went out. He's being an empath. He has arthritis and empathy and vague Nazi ties and I guess all three of them came together. Quick numbers crunched from last week. Let's get the house cleaning slash accounting out of the way. If you've been with us on this kind of fucked up journey for the last two episodes, and by the way, I swear we're not gonna just do this again.

So don't worry, this is an abatement switch. Although I do think it would be funny to call this episode zero to 200. Just to weed out the casuals who aren't willing to fucking die with us. We're gonna play this game until there's four people left that listen to our podcast, but they are all buying Helix mattresses every single week.

So it's still worthwhile. Think of it as a survivor style podcast. Okay. So outlast. The goal of the game was to say three, two, one, then a number. Of course. And we're just gonna try to say the same number.

Two weeks ago, it took us 118 tries to both say the number 84. Last week, it took us 84 tries. How's that for fucking cosmic irony? To say the number 89. So we both said the number 84, then we both said the number 89. That's very interesting.

And I believe you said the number 19 five times. Which is- You're obsessed. I'm obsessed with 19 for whatever reason. And you left whole numbers off the table. You never said 20, you never said 30, 40, 60, 80 or 90. Yeah, very interesting. I do think it would be cool to just try to fucking get it really quick.

Just as like, as a way of like. We're not gonna play it, we shouldn't play like the whole entire episode. Yeah. How insane would it be if we got it in one? Yeah, exactly. Even got it in 10.

Like you do five, I do five, and then we can lay it to rest. And then we can just move on, Yeah. post the show. It's polarizing for whatever reason. I should say this is segments, a podcast about segments, but we've been leaning into this numbers game

that has sort of taken the Twitter sphere slash Discord verse by Storm. It's polarizing, it's polarizing. What it is, is one, two, three, 35. One, two, three, 67. One, two, three,

88. Oh my God. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit! Holy shit! Wait! Wait! We got it in three! Are you kidding me? There's no way anybody's gonna beat that!

88! And it was in between 84 and 89! That's insane! Dude! That's insane. Dude, like absolutely insane. A discord or rainer if you're listening to this, like this is the easiest numbers crunch you'll ever have to do. That was unprecedented.

Now I kind of wish we did make it the full episode so that we can stop right here right now. Right. I mean, we could play again and see if we could beat three. There's no way. There's no way. I mean, imagine if we didn't. Well, we gotta try the back-to-back

because obviously that's like the ultimate grail. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that would be obscene. Yeah. That would absolutely be obscene. All right, give me three real quick. Ready? Yeah.

One, two, three, 21. 21. Yeah, that was obvious. One, two, three, Nine. 13. Close. One, two, three, 76. 91.

All right, that's fine. Yeah, that's not gonna happen. I mean, everybody should be just, I mean, everyone's probably freaking out. I almost wanna edit that little Shreo. I saw the scenes in Philadelphia after the Super Bowl, but I have to imagine it looks like that times 10 in my hometown of New Haven.

I wonder why people are eating cow shit off the street, just fucking getting hammered, going crazy at the idea that we fucking spiked it in three. In three? Yes. That was absurd. 88, it's the back to the future number. Yeah, for whatever reason. And it's not like we were doing 80s,

like our first two guesses were not in the 80s. No, I think I did what, 55, 67, and 88, something like that. Yeah, and I think I did like 60, and I did fucking like 39 or some shit. It wasn't 88. It really wasn't. Yeah.

That was, I mean, what in three, I challenge anybody to be. No. Yeah. Three's got to be the, I mean, I guess you could theoretically do it in two, but like, I don't see a world where that happens really. Yeah, no, not at all. It's also interesting to think that we could have just done that the first time we played and we're like,

all right, that was it. We didn't have to just do it again. Oh, easier than we thought. Yeah, all right. But now we know that it's easy and we don't have to keep playing, but the universe works in mysterious ways. Yeah, it's kind of interesting

because there was some backlash to the game and that was not a deterrent for us to play again. It emboldened us to continue trying. Yeah, but now after getting it in three, I think the game actually might be uninteresting to me. Oh, interesting, so that the more they like it, the less we will. Well we've absolutely peaked.

I don't really want to play, because I'll never feel that feeling again. Right, it's kind of like when you play like a cheesy little iPhone game and you have like an incredible score and you're like, oh okay, I guess I'm never gonna get that again, so it's not even worth striving for that.

Right, yeah, yeah, I just spent 48 minutes playing, what was that game that we used to always play? The snake ball, ball snake? There was balls versus snakes, there was crossy roads, there was the one where squares were going on top of each other, and unless you did it perfectly flush, it would slice off and get smaller.

That was impossible, that one was so hard. Snake versus block. Yeah. Right? It's like where you like choose the direction of the snake to go and eat food. I remember that one was, I got really into that one.

Yeah. And thinking back on it the way I would, like I would get home from work before Jillian and I think I would just like lay on the couch by myself and play that, like I feel like people play these iPhone games when they're commuting or something yeah not full-on just like I could be doing anything it was compulsive you had to it's like you weren't even enjoying you just had to play because I was trying to beat the score of you and Riley who were really good and I think I

eventually got one that was really really good and it didn't it didn't feel like a victory because it really just meant that I played it the hardest and longest. Yeah, it's almost a reverse victory. Hey, I got more addicted to this game than you did. Take that. I remember that happening once in college. There was also the swinging the rope swinging game. Oh, yeah. Yeah. also the swinging, the rope swinging game. Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember in college, there was like addictinggames.com, like a website dedicated to them.

And there was like this, the game where you're a frog and every time you click the mouse, the tongue would go up and he would catch flies. And he would be like, let's see how many flies I could catch. And like the record was, let's say like 24. And then a bunch of my friends went out for the night and I stayed in playing the game. And then when they got back, I'm like, I got like 29.

And they're like, oh wow, that's awesome. And I'm like, the way they're like supporting me made me feel so bad. Cause like I didn't go out with them and they're like feigning happiness for me for getting the record when I just stayed at home instead of having fun. That's really fun.

Like they're just taking, they're babysitting you. Yeah, great job, man. And you're 20? Hey bud, awesome. Yeah. These are the girls we brought home. We're gonna go party in the living room. I got 30.

Go back to your bedroom. See if you can get 31. It's gonna be really hard. I'll do it. It's gonna be really hard, but I'll do it. All right, I think that should close that chapter of. Yeah, I think we're gonna move on. Yeah. You had something of a job interview for me.

That's right, I was kind of interested, basically, because you and I, correct me if I'm wrong, but we basically haven't ever had a job interview. Yeah, we got hired at CollegeHumor and then we just started HeadGum. Yeah, like I know I've had job interviews because I had like side jobs and I had jobs before CollegeHumor,

but they were like at, you know, an ice cream store and stuff. Yeah. So, yeah, I've never like really sat down for like a full on corporate interview. And actually you and I used to conduct interviews. I did all of the intern hiring at CollegeHumor. So I did the like, the initial interview.

Yeah. And sometimes you would join for it. Right. But yeah, I guess internship is kind of like a job. Yeah, but let's put you in the hot seat. I've compiled some interview questions. Why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself? My name, obviously, as you see on the resume,

is Amir, but you can call me mr. Blumenfeld and it's fun to be here. I'm having a little bit about yourself. Other than that? Other than your name which I already, and a statement about how you feel to be here. You actually haven't told me anything about the image that I see. So I'm not on LinkedIn, quote unquote, like I don't have a traditional resume, because I've spent the last half of my life in the arts. I've been doing comedy here and there,

live shows, not really stand up per se, but like I had a sketch show and then I had a podcast and then one thing led me to the other and here I am applying for this here job. Comedian. Yes, a comedian of sorts. I bet you get this all the time, but make me laugh. Come on, tell me a joke.

Oh, sure. Guy complaining of headaches goes to the doctor. The doctor says, I need you to stop masturbating. And he goes, why? And the doctor says, because I'm trying to inspect you. So basically like, really? Yeah, he's cranking it in front of the fucking nurse practitioner, I think.

Quite blue. All right, let's, let's move on. Why don't you tell me about your strengths? Obviously comedy ain't one of them. No, yes. So tell me, please tell me about your strengths. I don't get rattled. I don't take things very seriously, if at all, or ever.

So you'll never see me freaking out or pissed off. I will lighten the mood of any room, stress slash stressful situation. And you know what, I can already be eaten at the punch and guess that your next question is my biggest weakness? It's the same answer. Cause I don't take anything too seriously Life's too short to worry this much about a fucking report part of my French or

Stop touching my wrist PDF not loading on my computer Like we'll figure it out. We'll get to the Zoom. You're muted, but okay. Did you check the settings? Like, I'll troubleshoot, and I know how to do that kind of stuff,

but I'm not gonna get frazzled, rattled, deaf or dumb about it. Why don't you tell me about some of your biggest passions? I'm really into the idea of maybe there's something bigger out there than just us. So I'm kind of an alien truther and I love the NBA. Where are you from? Sorry, this is this isn't an interview. I'm from Albuquerque, but this is not really I guess Suns fans over there like do you like basketball? Did you grow up watching?

The Thunder Dan Charles Barclay was killed by a basketball to the head was killed by a basketball to the head. Really? Yes. Somebody kicked it off a garage roof trying to make a trick shot. That sounds pretty dope actually. Did it go in? My dad was walking our family dog,

chow chow down the road when the ball hit him hard in the temple and collapsed. Interesting. It seemed like he had other shit going on because people him hard in the temple and collapsed. Interesting. It seemed like he had other shit going on because people get hit in the head with the balls all the time, they don't die. I think it hit him perfectly in the temple. How wondering.

And he might have been having an aneurysm. Yeah, it seemed like an ill time. But this really isn't an interview about me because I already have the job. Yep. And I am hiring you, and you told me that your biggest passion was aliens and the NBA. Yeah, I guess you could say it's Victor Wemba Nyama,

because he's kind of an alien in the NBA. Have you seen this guy? Seven foot four and can dribble like a point guard. I mean, we've never seen anything like this before. like a point guard. I mean, we've never seen anything like this before. Tell me about a time that you had to learn a new skill quickly. Not quickly, but I was able to learn.

So I'm gonna stop you right there. Yeah. Because the question is. Quickly, yeah. Tell me about a time. Time. Where you needed to learn a new skill. Quickly?

Quickly. I mean. Not a skill, but. Not actually a skill, but I've been pretty into milk duds recently. You're right, that's not a skill. I had to teach myself video editing in order to produce my own content for the internet.

And then as YouTube came along, I had to teach myself how to use that. TikTok, Twitter, I was at the sort of forefront of these social media frontiers, and I was able to pick it up as quickly as possible, trying to move at the speed of data almost. I'm sorry, what is this job? These questions are so generic, sir.

I feel like you just are, I'm talking to a chat GPT. Why don't I get to know the real you? When was the last time you- You're applying to be a notary in New Mexico. I guess you were canceled and ridiculed out of Los Angeles. I guess you, you said some really offensive things. I was, yeah. About aliens.

Yeah. I'm alt left. And so I was hoping that wouldn't come up. Notary seems like a pretty easy job. You just show up and document people signing things. Like I can't even believe this thing even exists. You kind of have to witness the signings and verify the findings. And is there a difference between a notary and a notary public?

This is obviously stuff that you should have researched already when you apply. I hope to find it out on the job. Obviously stuff that you should have already researched already. When you applied. I hope to find it out on the job. Tell me about a time that you had a conflict. Of interest? With a coworker. Oh, a conflict. A conflict with a coworker,

because it will be just you and I in this small studio outside of Albuquerque. And I wanna make sure that you're easy to be around. and I want to make sure that you're easy to be around. So I used to always bring my lunch in and I started to realize that one of my coworkers was slowly but surely eating more and more of my lunch. So I would bring like spaghetti, leftover Chinese food

and there would be like 90% of it there, then 80%, then 70. And at a certain point, I'm like, half of my lunch is gone before I even got here. It got to the point where he would just leave me a bite. This fucking guy would just like, I would literally bring in a bagel sandwich, and what was left was a little segment in the one.

Like he was trolling me. He was fucking with me. Yes Like he was trolling me. He was fucking with me. Yes, he was fucking with me. So I started poisoning the food a little bit more every day and I would track people's bathroom usage. Who's feeling ill? Who's under the weather? Who's not doing too hot recently?

Yeah, if you were watching the bathroom, wouldn't it have been just as easy to watch people going into the refrigerator? Because you were tracking who was going in and out of the bathroom. But my desk was right next to the toilet. Next to the toilet. Long story short, this guy gets Jardia unrelated to my poison. And I end up accusing this man, who is already dealing with his own food poisoning issues, separate of me, and I was able to get the entire office

on my side, and just accuse him of stealing shit from not only the refrigerator, but company funds. And we ended up giving this man, it was called a corporate Viking funeral. Yeah. We put him on a raft and we set him out to sea and we shot at him with flaming arrows until one hit and he was burnt alive.

Why is that a corporate Viking funeral? It sounds to me just like it's a Viking funeral. Oh yeah. I guess cause the issue started at the office. I wasn't really sure about that either. Okay, so just for the record, you don't enjoy sharing lunch because I actually sometimes will bring in a whole lasagna.

I love it as the weird thing. It turned out I was eating my food because I was so hangry before noon that I had browned out and started eating more and more of my lunch before I even came to and realized it was me the whole time. I almost feel bad. What role do you usually play in a team setting? A pretty major role. Even though you're laid back and you don't take anything too seriously. I consider myself a rookie and a vet, you know, a GM and a coach, an on court facilitator, a game

managing quarterback. I'm on the field, but I'm also- Where do you see yourself? Where? Can I finish? Where do you see yourself in five years? Working at a cherry factory in Louisiana. I love fucking- And you feel like this job is a notary. I'm obsessed with cherries. This job is to just make the ends meet. It's a stepping stone.

Until I'm sort of plugged in. It's a stop gap. Between LA and Louisiana. On your way. and I will be at the cherry factory Exactly, right. What is it cherry? What is it? Yeah, do you mean the the the small red fruit? No cherry is an acronym it stands for computational hazard environmental red rocket year computational hazard, environmental, red rocket year. So it's like this software that I've been developing

that I sold as a kid to a homeless man in Baton Rouge and it completely turned his fucking life around. And now I'm angling, hoping for an externship at his cherry factory, hoping to God that this notary job is a nice bit of something I can put on my LinkedIn so it doesn't look like I went fucking crazy for the last half decade. Speaking of, how do you handle feedback and criticism?

Really, really poorly. And I'm going to end this interview now before it gets any more toxic or antagonistic. Do I have the job or not? You absolutely do. Oh. Yeah. My heart goes out to you.

My heart goes out to you. Yeah heart goes out to you. My heart goes out to you. Yeah, you're fired. For the salute or it was the cherry thing. Good work, I think you crushed it. Yeah, it is fun. I mean, part of me wants to just be fun employed so I can start applying for jobs, which we definitely haven't done

and see if I can move up the corporate ladder somewhere. Yeah, I think we would actually be pretty bad. I think we might be able to do an interview. I think I could do a good interview but once I got the job I'd be bad at it. Oh, yeah. So you'd be good at getting the job. You wouldn't be good at keeping the job.

No, when I was younger, I was really good at getting and keeping jobs as evidenced by the fact that I, basically got my first main job at CollegeHumor and climbed the ladder. Yeah, from intern to CFO. That's right. And then back to intern again. Since that, basically since I've only been at one

more or less job my whole life, now I have this kind of like, this attitude of I don't like being told what to do. Yeah, you sort of wanna be the boss. Yeah, cause I'm like, well I've had, basically all of these are the acting with on my own volition. Yeah. With autonomy.

You don't like being under anybody or anything really. Yes, yes, yes, yes, precisely. So if I were to do that, if I were to be hired again and have like bosses and bosses, bosses, it's like, you have my direct boss and then my skip level boss and then I have the head of my department. Yeah. I would be like, no, I can't. That would be really tough. All right. So shout out to everybody who's dealing with that out there.

Yeah. Damn. That's really cool. That's empathetic. I really appreciated that as somebody who has like a ton of bosses like I feel seen So I'm already manages you he micromanage me. Yeah. Yeah, he needs this room actually He wants to he wants to record an ad with me. Fuck this sucks. All right. I gotta go get his sweet green Let's take a break. Yes, sir. Sorry about that, sir

the broccoli crunch bowl, of course. Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this episode of our show. Damn right. I don't know if you know this, Jake, but there are actually external factors that could lead to depression or anxiety in one's life. Yeah, yeah, I've heard that.

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Segments folks. Thank you. Betterhelp. Thanks. Thank you, better help. Thanks. Thank you to Factor for sponsoring this episode of our show. Oh yeah, baby. Love you, Factor. If you're ready to optimize your nutrition this year,

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as I lay there thinking about how nice it is to have such a mattress. It's not just about sleeping, it's about being. It's about being Helix bound, comforted, enveloped by the mattress. Yeah. So, um, they have a bunch of options for you. You just got to take this little sleep quiz and they match you with the perfect mattress and they deliver it right to your house.

You are really diminishing the whole entire project here, but that's fine. It's, it's much more than that. Everyone listening can actually go find out for themselves. Yeah. Uh, and you could do so if you go to helixsleep.com slash segments. And right now, wow, this is part of their extended president's day sale, I guess. They're offering 27% off site wide. Not bad at all.

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And you'll get that 27% off offer. Hell yeah. So thank you again to helixsleep.com slash segments. Thanks. Thanks, Helix. Get the Angel Rees special atixsleep.com slash segments. Thanks. Thanks, Helix. Get the Angel Reese special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame

seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba da ba ba ba. I'm participating in restaurants for a limited time. And we're back. Hey, so every once in a while I'm able to put on my ad sales hat and help monetize this show with some pretty interesting host read ads that actually really cool, because I mean, we're a small company,

and people do have to wear a lot of hats, as you say, and sometimes it's all hands on deck, trying to find new revenue streams. So I think I actually commend you for putting in the extra effort, the extra man hours, to try and earn Headgum some cash. Yeah, this is not for Headgum. We have regular ads that you guys hear

and those are all sold through Gumball, our ad marketplace, it's called gumball.fm. So if you ever wanna buy an ad on this Headgum show or any Headgum show, you can use that. What I'm able to do is almost extra marital, outside the scope of this relationship, I'm able to sell some things on the side and get paid in kind, but through cash offers

that I'm able to find on Craigslist. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's cool too, cause you know, we put pretty much everything that we bring in back into the company, so it's nice for you and I to have some. We reinvest, so this is my way of growing my nut. My nut.

You and I. You don't have that. You don't have a bite of my nut. This is for me to increase my nut. You read the words that make my nut go big. Okay. Okay? All right, yeah, I think I get it now.

And I'm also able to flex my copywriting muscle because a lot of these are either written or guided by me. You, yeah, you sell these with a narrative. Yes. A script as it were. Okay, so here's the talking points. As always, these are talking points, but try to stick to the script

because they've been pre-approved by the client. That again, I did find on, one was on Craigslist, the other one was on Kick, which is like this sort of. The third one was on Kick's list, which is I guess Kick has a list kind of like to Craig. Completely decentralized, doesn't belong to anything. It's open source to a fault.

And I was able to find someone for this. Hey Amir. Hey. Will you tell me a bedtime story? Let's why. I'm a little boy and I need a nap or I get cray angry. So what? Give me a toy.

Give me a little boy to play with. Give me nitrogen shots boy to play with. Give me nitrogen shots. Wait, nitrogen shots? A little boy to play with. Nitrogen shots are the first of its kind and exactly what it sounds like. Smell a shot of nitrogen to feel better in the sack. Male performance is the number one reason couples get

divorced and now with nitrogen shots you can remain rock hard for weeks at a time. It's not good. You think it's not good because you're a soft dick little prick bitch who couldn't get hard on his wedding night because he put a bracelet on his cock and balls as a joke and it got stuck. Did that happen to you? Did that happen to you? No. Imagine heading to the Sunday brunch after your special night and spending the entire meal with blue balls, eating silver dollar pancakes with blueberry sauce because the

caterers ran out of nitrogen shots. You did eat a lot of pancakes that day, I remember that. Nitrogen SHOTS! Is it in you? Gatorade slogan. You can't trademark that shit, it's just a sentence. You definitely can.

If you can steal sentences, just do it. Nice. Nice what? Nevermind. Bye for now. I just do it. Nice. Nice what? Nevermind. Bye for now, I had a bracelet on my. Shaft. Clip. Yeah.

Oh come on. Oh my God, that was really good. Okay, so that one is for. Nitrogen shots. Nitrogen shots. The copy was really blue. Yeah, it was. Really blue.

I think this one's pretty clean, squeaky clean and PG-13 as it were. So you don't have to worry about like any like weird sexual shit. It looks like I have a huge chunk of unbroken dialogue. Oh yeah, this one's a little bit more Jake heavy than the first one. But feel free to stop and start if necessary. You obviously don't have to be fully off book,

but it would be nice if you could just digest this information and speak it verbatim without feeling like you're reading was the note from the advertiser. Otherwise we will have to deliver a make good, which in this business is basically advertising cancer. That is the death knell for any podcast. That is eating up your ad inventory for no cash.

Hey guys, just a quick word from our sponsor this episode, Worth It Milkshakes. Worth It Milkshakes are the first of its kind to blend rich fruit flavor like banana berry and blueberry pupe with thick white creamy whole milk from cows that are plump and juicy to the touch. Each cow is bursting with colostrum to see you today. The secret to Worth It milkshake's ergonomic design is a cup shaped like a normal cup. Nothing too crazy, you know, the usual cup,

like a cylinder, but the top is open. You suckle from the top or use a straw to sip up the creamy fruit milk jug and suck suck suck suck suck suck until the cum is done. Nutritionally the milkshake isn't... This is good. I'll be able to cut out any dead time. You can cut out the laugh. Yeah. Yeah.

Nutritionally, the milkshake isn't entirely known. However, the price is low enough. Is that why it's called worth it? I think so. I actually didn't even get that deep into like what made this shit tick. However, the price is low enough to be worth the risk. I had a hot milkshake the other night and it gave me.

Oh no. You have a lot more to go through. Yeah. Start, let's take it from I had a hot milkshake actually. So we can get back to that. You can cut it together clean for sure. I had a hot milkshake the other night and it gave me a peptic ulcer,

which are open sores on the small intestines caused by H. pylori bacteria most commonly found in cow dung. Not blaming anybody, but there's a strong chance these heifers, or dairy cows for short, are kept in subhuman living conditions and a lot of their own horse fat and steer shit ended up in the wet... God damn it.

Let me try to get this line out clean. They're kept in subhuman living conditions and a lot of their own hoss, fat and steer shit ended up in the wet pre-cum of the Worth It Shakers. In a fever dream, I woke up hooked to these lactose machines and you were a lactation consultant. They needed your guidance and you only had one bit of advice.

Hey bud, you know what it was? Uh, no. Go ahead, guess. I guess to practice skin to skin contact with you, the steer, and promote a clean latch by like using a rubber suction with warm water to avoid any nipple soreness? Wrong! any nipple soreness? Wrong. Try Worth It milkshakes today at www.jakerwitz.com slash hoss. That's jakehosswitz.com slash hoss, H-O-S-S-S-S-S-S,

because you're worth it. Interesting. I don't hate the idea of trying that, like a nitrogen shot into a, what's it called, worth it milkshake or something? Worth it milkshake. Twice you described the contents of the milkshake as cum. Oh yeah.

I mean, honestly, I was just trying to use their talking points and like write it in a fashion where it was easy to digest, not unlike the milkshake, and then sort of quick little points for you to hit. Did they send you any product? Because I mean, usually they want the host to have tried or tested out the product. And I'm wondering, and I didn't have any,

so I was wondering if you... I think they tried to, because I got this note that said, pick up your package at the post office. And when I got there, it was just this super wet envelope and it said my name on it and kind of my address but nothing else I think what was it wet with I guess this what is it what did you call it Haas fad or pre come or whatever colostrum yeah it was wet with cow colostrum it was boiling I couldn even, they gave it to me with like, with barbecue tongs. It's fucking wild.

I bet they didn't want to touch it. It was hot, it was hot and wet I guess. But this is great, cool. They sent me $20 each for each of those. So. That's not a ton of money. Every little bit helps. I thought you were saying $20 for each of us, but you That's not a ton of money. Every little bit helps. I thought you were saying $20 for each of us,

but you are keeping all of the money. Yeah, well a lot of them are $40. We got CPA cost per action, so depending on how many units we move, we also get a commission. All right, so that's if people use the URL. Yeah. Which it changed.

It's, yeah, it did change. It was jkherwitz.com slash hoss, or jkhossws.com slash haus. And now that I'm looking at it, I don't even think nitrogen shots had any type of like, tracking code or anything. Yeah, there isn't really a call to action for that. I think because we're recording this on a Tuesday

and this episode won't come out until Monday, they have six days to sort of get their shit together. Like did you see the Kanye commercial on the Super Bowl? No. So Kanye recorded an ad at the dentist for his Super Bowl ad and it was like, hey, I spent all my money on these teeth so I can't shoot a real Super Bowl commercial

so I have to just shoot it on my iPhone but go to Yeezy.com to buy some merch and then the next day the only merch available was a shirt with a swastika on it and then that site got taken down entirely so I think it's like that kind of situation where they're like putting it out there in the world and then also have to build it in real time, yeah. I saw that the Swastika shirt was promoted. I didn't know that he did a Super Bowl commercial to direct people to it. Did you watch the Super Bowl?

I did, yes. You must have been spacing out during the ads or something. Yeah, I mean, I watched some of the ads, but like it's kind of hard to watch every single one Yeah, like you're gonna miss a culture of watching the Super Bowl for the ads I feel like is something the ad execs really wanted It was a big deal, especially when you didn't know what the ads were like in the 90s Yeah, we didn't know like every ad was gonna be a cool new interesting story. Some were funny. Some made you cry somewhere

Celebrities. Yeah. Yeah, I feel you cry, some were stunt casted. Some had celebrities. Yeah. I feel like I'm much more cynical now as somewhat of an ad man myself. Right, you're like, okay, here's, you can fucking paint by numbers two celebrities who used to be famous 20 years ago in a room together and then a cameo at the end by somebody else

and it's for, I don't know, health't know Health insurance really ain't playing right into their hands by being like oh, I love the Super Bowl ads Hey, let's watch all of the Super Bowl ads. Let's talk about the Super Bowl ad who won the Super Bowl ad like what was your favorite? Ad let us know at Super Bowl ads dot ad and we're talking about time I always like the ones I'm still a sucker So I like the ones that make me cry, the ones that are the tear-jerkers. Did anybody have that this year? There was the, I thought the Nike ad for

you can't win so win for the women's sports was pretty moving. Woke, liberal, elitist, racist, classist. What did you think of the halftime show? Didn't make sense to me. It wasn't. I didn't understand it. I was expecting Morgan Wallen for some reason.

And when this hip hop, hip hop, hip hop, hip hop came out, I was like, uh, okay, all these songs sound the same and he's not playing an instrument. But I guess kids like this guy because he hates another guy or something like that. So I'll go with it for now. But to me it was hashtag the worst Super Bowl halftime show of all time, and I am including

the wardrobe malfunction that my kids had to see, and it made them believe in Satan for a year. Drum roll please, bye. I actually like the halftime show. I was surprised to see it being hated on social media. Was it hated on? I thought it was just kind of like left first right hated. I think it was the divide was like.

Or Kendrick Drake. Oh no, it was more like old nerdy people were like, what the hell's going on? Who is this guy? I've never heard these songs. They all sound the same. Where's the lasers and fireworks and rock and roll music? And then like young kids are like,

oh, I love Kendrick and I love these songs and this is cool. And look, Serena Williams is there and he won this Drake beef. Yeah. I think for me, I was like, it's just why he won the Drake beef so decidedly. Yeah, he didn't have to.

When he had the song of the summer Drake beef so decidedly. Yeah, he didn't have to. When he had the song of the summer. Do this. And then had a Grammy. Yeah. And it's like, at this point, it's not even twisting the knife. It's like, it's already dead. He's already dead. Now we feel bad for Drake again.

Right. He's not even playing anymore, man. What is, the battle's not still going on. You're over milking it. But I like the, I mean, I like the performance. I like the battles not still going on you're over milking it But I like I mean I like the performance. I like songs. Yeah, I'll be tall had a funny I just don't understand the beef as much. She's like, this is like a black mirror episode. It's like hey, dude, you're short You think I'm short It's a playful little thing.

What are you going to do? You'll see. All right. I'm short. Drake's a pedophile is the song of the summer. It's playing during the Super Bowl. Everyone's constantly singing it and we all hate you now.

Oh, God. I just said you were five six. You're taking it way too far. I didn't even know that that's what the beef was about. At one point I was watching and I was like, damn, Kendrick is shorter than I realized. Don't say that. He'll fucking come after you.

Shit. He doesn't like to be called that. We have to delete this. We have to scrub that from this episode. All right, good app. Two segments. Sometimes it's two, sometimes it's nine, and it's like, you know,

you never know what you're gonna get, and that's fine. Well, we also had, I mean, the best thing that ever happened on the show just happened. We got, let's not forget, 88. Yeah, which was sort of a smaller segment within a segment. But it was everything. A Russian nesting doll of segments, of sorts. Of sorts.

Again, we're only releasing these episodes as audio for now, so if you can't find them on YouTube, that's why, until we're in the same room again, recording them in studio. But if you wanna watch more of us on video, we're still on Patreon, patreon.com slash J.A. Exactly. We just watched Couples Therapist,

part one and two with Ben Schwartz. Whoa, that's right. So go check that out. Great episodes. A real fun stroll down memory lane. That should be on our Patreon right now. So do check that out. And if you want even more of us,

since the number game is over, you guys can all come back to the podcast you've all grown to love. We'll be back next week always every Monday. That's right. So thanks for listening Ciao for now and stay safe out there. Don't make fun of Kendrick Lamar until next week. Yeah guys. Come on. Bye That was a hit gum original Hey, it's Nicole Byer here. Let me ask you something.

Are you tired of endless swiping on dating apps? Fed up with awkward first dates and disappointing hookups? Girl, same. Welcome to Why Won't You Date Me? The podcast where I figure out love and how to suck less at dating. Each week, I get real with comedians, friends,

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