Segments - 66: Hoodwinked (with Jeff Rosenberg And Rose McIver)

Episode Date: March 6, 2014

Our friends Jeff "Rosie" Rosenberg and Rose "Rosie" McIver join us to discuss stealing, scamming, and sleepy sex. This episode is brought to you by LegalZoom.com! check out LegalZoom.com for all your businessy problems... http://zoo.mn/GPfH89 See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. That's right. It's National Start Your Business Month and LegalZoom wants to help you start your own corporation or LLC or file your DBA. You can get it up and running quickly and easily. That sounds amazing, but I can't talk today.

My head hurts. Thanks anyway. Let me just finish this. Sorry, I'm trying to do a bit too. You're trying to do a LegalZoom bit. I'm trying to do an old woman with a headache. No, I know. I like the old woman with a headache.

You're no-butting me. You're supposed to yes and. I'm just saying you should find out why more than one million entrepreneurs used LegalZoom to start down the path of successful business ownership. That sounds real nice, Sonny. Yeah, but what? I got a headache. I understand that. I ate a migraine to be showered.

This month only. That's March. Take advantage of their National Start Your Business Month special, and you get a free, free three-month trial of the all-new QuickBooks, making it so much easier to run your new business. That's $119 value value for free but only when you enter our coupon code i don't want to hear that coupon code i know you don't but i have i have hey dude look at me man let me get through this yeah i'm serious no i have a headache

i really do that's what actually spawned the bit is uh bit. I'm dealing with migraines and I'm wearing braces and they're just not helping. The coupon code that you can enter for the value, that coupon code that you can enter for the free three months of QuickBooks is Jake or Amir. You just type that into the referral box at checkout. So if you go to LegalZoom.com and use promo code Jake or Amir, either promo code works, that'll give you that offer. And you guys remember. And you guys remember. I'll do the last bit. I'll take it home.

And you guys remember. Just so it feels like I helped. Remember, guys. LegalZoom What? You haven't said it yet. I just want you to get to it. Right. And you guys remember. LegalZoom provides self-help services and connect and Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. You fucked it up. And you guys remember, LegalZoom provides self-help services and connect and – Oh, shit. Oh, yeah.

You fucked it up. And you guys remember, LegalZoom provides self-help services and can connect you with your right attorney, but they're not a law firm. That's right. So, again, that URL is LegalZoom.com, and the promo code is Jake or Amir. I have a problem enunciating, don't I? That was tough. LegalZoom provides you self-help services and can connect you with the right attorney, but they're not a law firm. It's tough.

That was perfect. I nailed that one. Yeah, that's the last. It took me fucking three. I might actually edit out that first couple attempts. Really? No, I'm not going to do that. How dare you.

I have a headache. This is an exciting episode. It's our first four-person podcast. Yeah, we had a four-way. Me, you, Rosie. Oh! The Rosies in our life. We had a 4G, and we hope you guys enjoy it.

Four times the people, four times the reality. Four times the loco. Absolutely. So please enjoy this very special four-co themed episode of if i were you wait did things get real or not oh yeah i said four times the people four times the reality i'm sorry yeah yeah they got they got quad real they got they got four times the real so don't don't worry about that all right enjoy jake and amira Hashtag Dope They could put you on a Daily Blast If you're really in need

Of some help They're a beast in That regard If I were you, cause Jake is a diamond Ladies like to dive right on his baby Python climbing inside vaginas Breaking hymen

Siphoning brown from a girl's anus Like it's nothing To lick a sph feet to dry until he gets pink eye and he stinks of shite. Who's this? One hell of a guy. Oh shit. Amir's just arrived with a handful of towels and a couple of mics. A really logical brain for giving you some advice. Amir's

serious life like a poltergeist and when it comes to affection he's cold as ice. Together they are Jake and Amir. You need advice. They will appear. Giving you help from a humble abode. Welcome to If I Were You Show. Fuck yeah, dude.

Absolutely mental, mate. That was dope. That was epic. That was sick. That was absolutely epic. Yo, we're going on a live tour. Those guys are opening up for us every single show.

I want that. What? That's what I want to happen. You want those guys to open up? They're my fucking heroes. That was so tight. I have never seen Jake smile so much or Amir frown so much.

They sounded like Lonely Island, kind of. We look like the drama masks right now. Hey, this is our first episode with two guests. Holy shit. That's right. Two guests, three microphones. What will happen? Let's find out.

Let's hope I'm quiet the whole time. Guest number one, Roseciver hello yeah you are the closest non-consecutive you're the um what was that president grover cleveland grover cleveland two non-consecutive presidents have you had any guests do more than two episodes we have but not this close back to back have you had guests do three episodes have we had had three? Streeter, maybe? No, I think Streeter only did two. Two, yeah. Oh, my God, I'm in the running. It's like a presidential thing.

You can only have two. And for the first time on our podcast, we have the other Rosie in our life, Jeff Rosenberg. Hi. Are you nervous? Quite, quite nervous. Why are you nervous? You're funny. Yeah, but there's something about being in a room with good friends and no one else

That makes you nervous A quiet night that gets my blood boiling Yeah, like when we were at dinner hanging out together, you're also just like freaking out You didn't know what to order You just described the most serene, peaceful There's something about being in a room with good friends on a quiet night that really freaks me out. Well, I left and went to the bathroom. I didn't even go to the bathroom.

I just kind of sat on the toilet and texted my mom. Throughout the entire dinner, you had one earbud in listening to Pantera thumbing the drumbeat on your thigh. Songs for Sobbing was the playlist. Is that a Spotify thing? No, that's our Songs for Sobbing was the playlist. Is that a Spotify thing? No, that's our Songs for Sobbing playlist. When did we play Songs for Sobbing? Oh, that was on a serene night with a couple of good friends.

Songs for Sobbing is a great playlist. The worst night of our lives. So, we're going to see what we can do. Jake and I are sharing a microphone right now. I urge you, Jake, to lean in. I feel like you, I mean mean you're definitely hogging this space if i lean in where we kiss yeah that's why i want you to kiss kiss kiss this is why we never bought a fourth microphone to begin with because this was all fuck this is a long con from day one

when you told me we should start a podcast we're not even recording at this point this you coward you've labeled this the kiss mic. You want me to lean in and smooch you. It's insane because I'm already letting you jerk me off. On a quiet serene night with some good friends. Songs are coming. So, Jeff, have you heard the show before? Yes.

Okay, so you know. Religiously, listen to it. Wow. So you know the rules, right? Yes. We get emails from real people at ifireashowatgmail.com. People in difficult places, and they ask us for advice. We do our best to give it to them. Sometimes it's good. Sometimes it's even better than good.

It's great, really. And, you know, the difference between good, great, bad. That's the subjectivity of advice. And to that I say amen. To that I say amen. To that I say all right, all right, all right. To that I say JK Lin. To that I say to-da, to-da, to-da. You were saying how you hated Matthew McConaughey's speech.

Just because of the end? I feel bad. I really love Matthew McConaughey. I think he's an amazing artist. I didn't connect. His speech didn't resonate with me. It felt a little self-aggrandizing. Because of the end.

I wish you could see Jake right now sitting with an e-cigarette version of a hookah. Okay, you're making fun of me for the e-cigarette. Whose e-cigarette is this? It was gifted to me. It was a very... It's yours. You were the one that brought it out.

It was a generous gift. You're going to put me on blast. To be fair, I smoked most of it the entire time. What is a hookah e-cigarette? Also, to be fair, it's fucking dope. Also, to be fair, it's apple flavor. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Wait, so that is real tobacco?

It is real tobacco or it's fake hookah tobacco? What is hookah? I'm not smoking that. I heard you could try it. No, I don't even want to try it. Is that real smoke? I don't understand. It's like a pen that's lighting up.

It's vapor, dude. So it's a fake hookah? It's a fake hookah. It's a real vapor hookah. It's a real fake vapor. Don't do it in my face. No, it's vapor. I don't care.

Don't do vapor in my face. It's like an asthma inhaler. It's like an antihistamine. You're addicted to cigarettes. Can I say that? Can I call you out on that? Mama wants you to turn off the podcast. We're not talking about turning it down now.

We're talking about turning it off. You understand, baby? You're my number one bitch. I love you to death. Turn off the podcast. Mama? That being said. You turn it off?

Come on, Lolly Laura. That's right, Lolly. We had this conversation today. You're not addicted to cigarettes. I enjoy it. Because if you crave one, that doesn't define addiction. Sure it does. Craving is addiction, isn't it?

If you have one hamburger every other day because you crave a hamburger, that doesn't mean you're addicted to hamburgers. And if you have five hamburgers every day because you feel like you need them. I don't have five cigarettes a day. I have one cigarette every other day. That's not true. That's not true. I have one cigarette a day, maybe. You're already lying.

You're trying to reverse justify it. You bring the blast upon yourself, Jake. This is not fair. There's somebody that was bumming cigarettes off me all weekend. Me? No, Jeff. All right. Should we try to get started?

We're going to give these real emails fake names to preserve their anonymity, and Rosie had the idea of naming them after flowers since both of their names are rose, which I thought was cute, actually. I thought it was pretty cute. I thought it was really cute, actually. First up, Hyacinth. What? Hyacinth. up, Hyacinth. What? Hyacinth.

Whoa. Hyacinth. There's nothing cute about the name Hyacinth. What about Daisy? What about Orkin? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, Jake. Hyacinth has a fine little sound about it. Hyacinth.

Actually, I'm sort of on board with that. All right. Hyacinth. Hyacinth, the male Hyacinth, right. Is there any other way to take that name? No, of course not. All right. Hey, guys.

Over the past few months, I've sort of been hoodwinking my parents of their money. They have been giving me money to spend on school lunches at school events or things of that nature, while I would just keep the money for myself and never spend a bill over $1. I have collected $135. And having never possessed more than $20 at a time, you can imagine that my conscious decided that shit got real at that point. Much like this episode. If my parents find out that I've been hoarding money, they'll be furious while I continue to make bank. Do I have the right to this money? How do I swerve my I have the right to this money?

How do I swerve my way amongst the circumstance without mentioning it? Thanks, Hyacinth. Is this like Ebenezer Scrooge biography? Is that? I never saw that. The Christmas Carol. Yeah, I never saw that. What happened? It's a hoarder, like Scrooge McDuck.

Have you seen Scrooge McDuck? Yeah. He was actually loosely based on Ebenezer Scrooge. Really? Yeah, so in a way, Scrooge McDuck. Have you seen Scrooge McDuck? Yeah. He was actually loosely based on Ebenezer Scrooge. Really? Yeah, so in a way, Scrooge McDuck is sort of, that's who Rose is talking about. And Tiny Tim, is he Launchpad, Gizmoduck, Webigale? He's Huey, Dewey, and Louie. Oh, really?

Amazingly enough. Okay, so one half-man was turned into three ducklings. Maybe I will read this book. I'm intrigued now. Okay, so how is this Scrooge-esque? I just feel like, how much money is he talking about? $135. And how tightly is he holding it in his greasy little paws? Well, he won't spend more than a single dollar on anything. Yeah, what is that? He's giving me money for school lunches. I've never spent a bill more than a

dollar. We're talking about Matthew McConaughey's delusions of grandeur. Let's talk about this kid's $135 is making bank. Yeah, well, when you're in high school, anything more than $20 is like the most you've ever seen. They never said high school, though. No. They're a graduate at Harvard right now. Yeah, that's what he— It's Harvard Business School. In economics, clearly.

By social events, he meant business school class. I got this cool business idea. It's telling your parents shit costs more than it does. It's probably, I'm guessing, a 15-year-old at this point. So he's made more money than he's ever possibly imagined. $135. Is this stealing? Did you guys ever do this when you were younger?

Like take money that your parents gave you for one purpose and keep it? I would take money that they didn't give me that they left around the house, like on top of the washing machine when they'd clean out the pockets on, like, jeans. But that also, I think, is free money, though. Yeah, no, we're not questioning whether it's free or not. It's definitely free. You think the change jar at a Starbucks definitely free. The ethics, Rosie. You think the change jar at a Starbucks is free money, though.

Correct. You've often described the money in my wallet as free money when I catch you looking through my pants. You're like, you were going to probably leave this on the washing machine, right? As you rifle through my own wallet. We used to have this thing, fundraising at school, where you sold chocolate bars for like a dollar each and you're supposed to collect the money i swear to god it only ended up like giving

away chocolate bars to all your friends and eating them all and then getting your parents to pay the fundraising money that you then owed the cadbury foundation or whatever it was right did you guys have girl scout cookies in new zealand uh yeah but i wasn't a girl scout right but it's like the same thing here like these dads walk around our office being like all right other business guy can you just give me 500 bucks i'll give you 100 boxes of fake cookies and we can like make my little girl win this prize or that was basically what they were doing is taking money from their rich friends and calling it buying regular robin hood stuff Robin Hood stuff. Yeah. Another book I've never read. What about Sudoku? Where's Sudaka? Sudaka? Sudoku. Sudoku. What about Sudaku? Sudoku? Sudaka?

Sudoku. To that I say all right, all right. To that I say amen. It's Sudaka, right? Sudoku is the Japanese number game. Sudaka is just the Israeli word for, or Hebrew word for charity. For charity, that's right. I used to call it tzedakah for Hebrew school. I'm trying to think. I think I stole. Well, that's the thing. Your parents give you money for lunch. If you exercise good judgment and you save your money, then isn't that, it's your reward. You sacrificed your school lunch.

You ate less food, so you save a dollar or two. That's great. Yeah, is that his his money this kid's being crafty of course it's his money it's if it's as long as it's the same family name it's the same family money okay this is you talking to your dad after you stole his stole his venmo uh bastard and uh wired yourself over ten thousand dollars what do you do with $135? You go see a movie or something?

Isn't that weird? I spent $135 on parking tickets last month and I remember the days when $135 was liquid gold. You just...

Dude, I spent $135 today. I'm like jack shit. I spent $135 tonight on your dinner. That's true. I made $300 off of all you guys today.

How? Oh, when I left my wallet around? Yeah. So at this point, it's safe to assume you're a thief. Yeah, Rosie helped hang Rose's shelf earlier, and I saw you, you swiped a couple designer dresses. You put them in your carry-on, which I think is not okay. There's already a listing on eBay for them.

No, to be fair, he will look divine in them. Oh, you think he's not selling them. He's just straight up. I wear them for a week, and then I sell them on Etsy. You're a pretty girl. Jeff was a girl for Halloween. I love being a female. Actually, I was going to say a couple years ago,

but you were also a girl this past October. Correct. Dorothy. When were you? Were you Marge Simpson? My twin brother was Marge Simpson. Oh, that was startling, that image. When did you see that image?

You showed me when you were explaining all your friends to me and you gave me the list. Oh, that's right. You showed me Marge Simpson as one of them. All right, so. Hey, homie. Hey, homie. All right. Do you have a right? Those were terrible. Mine was good. Homie. That, homie. All right. Do you have a right? Those were terrible.

Mine was good. Homie. That was really good, Rosie. Nice. Thank you. Do we have a right to this money? Do we all say yes? Sure.

I just think it's such an inconsequential amount of money, bud. It doesn't matter. It's not your money. You robbed your parents. Spend it on something that's not. At least don't spend it on drugs. No, it's not robbing. You robbed your parents. Spend it on something that's not, at least don't spend it on drugs. No, it's not robbing because they gave it to him. They'd be mad if they

knew that he didn't spend it on lunch. It's more of one specific thing. But he's just saving it. I guess that's fine. Put it towards something nice. Spend it on juggling balls and pick up a new skill. Yeah. Or maybe he's saving up for one big end of the month fucking lobster bang outout meal.

That's cool. They did want you to spend it on yourself, but not on wasteful things. So spend it on something that's at least slightly wholesome, like a nice meal or go see a movie or a concert. Go see a play. Go see a play. In addition, start making yourself, when your parents go to bed every night, make yourself lunch out of the shit in your fridge. That way you don't have to spend a goddamn dime of your own money or triple your funds in a month and then fucking three lobster bang out some money. What are you doing?

Invest that. You save up $135 in a couple months. You can buy a Bitcoin. That's going to rise. That stock's going up, up, up. Or you can invest in a restaurant, a lobster restaurant. So instead of spending it on bang outs, you invest it into like a red lobster chain. Are you a big investor, Amir?

Am I a good investor? Are you a big investor? I save money and then my dad tells me what to invest it in. So I am an investor, but I don't actually follow the market. Your dad is hoodwinking you, right? My dad is scaring our mom off. His dad's doing what this kid is doing to his parents. His dad has a sweet $135 bank.

He just sold half of a share of Intel and a couple shares of Kodak, and he's siphoning it into his portfolio. He bought Kodak? I don't know, man. See, I don't even know what I own. What I've learned about the stock market is that it goes up and down regardless of what specifically you invest in. As long as you't even know what I own. What I've learned about the stock market is that it goes up and down regardless of what specifically you invest in.

As long as you have your money in the market. I think that's the important takeaway here. You want to invest. You don't want to time the market. I don't have any money to invest. Man. You have money to invest in the cigarettes that you buy. That's not fair.

This is a free e-cigarette that Rose gave me. I'm sure you can buy some $10 stocks. Thank you to the product Blow. No, no, no. Absolutely not. We do not give free publicity to fucking cancer peddlers. My Etsy handle is Rosie McSlozy. A lot of sketches.

That Etsy hashtag. A lot of artwork. A lot of dresses. You. A lot of artwork, a lot of dresses. You did get kicked off Etsy, didn't you? I've been kicked off of, not Etsy, I've been kicked off of eBay multiple times. What were you piddling? What's the funniest scam you tried to pull? I feel like you're a scam artist. I want you to tell one.

It's well-intentioned. The one that I remember is that you had an old Dell laptop, and you wanted to get the warranty so you could get a new computer. So you taped up the vents, and you overheated the computer to the point where it exploded. And then you took it in, and they gave you $900, and you bought a MacBook. Wait, wait. Let's hold. What's the statute of limitations? Yeah, statute of limitations on fraud. Wait, wait. Let's hold... What's like the... Statute of limitations.

Yeah, statute of limitations on fraud. You're good. You're good to go. Yeah? Yeah. Oh, my God. The fucking dude you're getting a Dell guy is here. Holy shit.

He's a lawyer now? Dude, you're getting arrested. Dude, you're getting a summons. It's Adele Nazeem. What's her name? The John Travolta. Yeah, what did he call her? I think he did. I didn't see it. I think he did It's Adele Nazeem. What's her name? The John Travolta. Yeah, what did he call her? I think he did.

I didn't see it. I think he did call her Adele Nazeem. I have to get closer to the mic, too. You're right, me. Any other funny scam stories that you have? I mean, I guess that was the most dangerous. I guess I'll tell it very quickly. Oh, boy.

I had a computer. I wanted to get rid of it because I wanted a Mac. Because you were trying to sell me on a Mac, Jake. And you're like, everyone's getting a Mac. I'm getting a Mac too. And then I needed to get rid of it in a realistic way without just making a hammer to it. Yeah, make it look like an accident. So I talked to IT people at College Humor.

They were like, you know what you should do? Take some paperclips. Just look at everybody in this crime. You just talked to IT people at College Humor. They were like, you know what you should do? Take some paper clips. Just look at everybody in this crime. You just want to share a goddamn jail cell. Andrew Pyle gave me this idea. You're listening. I know you are, you fraudulent Jew. Stick some paper clips in the fans

so it overheats and then tape up the fans, the ventilation, and then start running a bunch of programs that will overheat. It will burn out. It did not work. We spent a day at work doing this. It did not work.

It was super hot. You could probably cook an egg on it. I ended up going home that night. Cooking an egg on it. It was super hot. Super hot. I cut a power cord, the tip off, and then stripped the wires down the middle so I could get a little spark going. Sure, yeah.

Welding it of sorts. Amateur welding. And then took the battery pack off where there's the grate where it connects to the battery. Okay. And then set up an extension cord next to that. Stood in the bathtub. Yeah. No, no.

I did get completely naked at one point because I was afraid of... I was just wearing, like, boots because of the rubber. Like, afraid of getting... Electrocuting myself, pretty much. Sure. You're like a real-life Kramer from Seinfeld. He's a lot like Kramer. Yeah.

If anybody needs a visual right now is just imagine a six foot three inch man uh completely naked from the neck down to his rubber boots sticking loose wires into a battery pack so that he can get a warranty on his computer it was kind of scary i almost did electrocute myself because i had the power strip turned off and then i plugged it in and it just it blew up it blew up in my apartment the question is do you love your new mac uh it's pretty solid i've had it for like eight years time time for another bit of a fraudulent warranty has to be up on that time for another hoax the apple care doesn't last that long what about the ebay thing what about the ebay thing

what was you like you sold something on ebay then didn't deliver the product no no I would buy things and then not pay for them you idiot you would get them delivered to you and then not pay the money or you would like win the bid and be like I can't afford this I don't want it

I'm not gonna get it but they shouldn't send you the product until you give them the fucking money oh it was a social vigilante trying to teach people lessons. Thank you for your product. Just know that I'm going to take advantage of you. Robin Hood meets Robin Thicke. New Zealand has a website called Trade Me, like eBay. And one time I was browsing through Trade Me and I saw myself advertised.

What does that mean? I don't know. Somebody at school had advertised me for sale like like as a slave or like uh it was undisclosed it was just one dollar like starting bid you should have bought yourself no reserve and i saw myself and nobody ever owned up wow what was the asking rate. Well, it was $1 or near offer. Or near offer. New Zealand is so weird. It's like talk normal. Remember on Saturday when Rose and her friend were here and they were playing rock, paper, scissors, and you do.

I mean, everybody knows it's rock, paper, scissors, shoot. And they were going, one, two, three, present. They also both wore tuxedos before they played it. It was a very formal affair. One, two, three, present. You fucking Kiwi. That is rough, dude. We have manners.

We have dignity. I think I want to go to New Zealand, and then everyone thinks that, like, my little foibles will be cute. You were offered for a dollar on TradeMe.com with dignity. Or near offer. Or near offer. Or near offer. Not even I would pay that. And you stole money. Only because I don't buy things on the internet.

Yeah. He would receive you, but he wouldn't pay for it. All right. Should we go on to the next question? That's a yes. Jake's currently smoking an e-hookah. He can't respond.

I don't have to be the only one that says yes. Dude. If you can hear that hiss,'t have to be the only one that says yes. Dude. If you can hear that hiss, it's Jake on the pipe. Mama, why are you still listening to the podcast, baby? You liar. You lied to me, Mama. All right, ready? Oh, we need a flower name.

This one is from a lady. Magnolia. Wow, great name. These are great names. All right, Magnolia writes, Hey, dudes, I have a lady. Magnolia. Wow, great name. These are great names. All right, Magnolia writes, Hey dudes, I have a boyfriend of three years. He likes to act like he's the big man in our relationships and sometimes act like he is the king

and I'm just a random maid slave. And I'm just a random maid slash slave. I say act because really he is a nice guy that values my opinion a lot and usually won't make me do things that I don't want to do. I want to marry this guy for so many reasons. And so I want to please him in every way that I can. However, in the one area that he always wants to feel big and great.

Namely in bed. He has two strange sex habits that I'm not sure I should follow. Number one. He likes to ask me how I feel over and over again during sex. That's annoying. I just want to concentrate and enjoy the sex. Number two, he has a sex fantasy of slamming a woman in her sleep. And should she wake up to the heavy exercise, she would welcome it like a horny bitch. I'm not a horny bitch. But when this happened, I acted like one just to Call the police. Call them now.

Magnolia, honey, your boyfriend's a psycho. You mean her future fiancé? She wants to marry this guy for so many reasons. It's also funny. He's like, he likes to feel big and great, but in bed he asks me neurotically over and over if he's doing a good job and to please reassure him that he is. Oh, how do you feel?

Number two, he wants to fuck me in my sleep. That's not big and great. So my two fantasies are, one, you telling me constantly, giving me validation that it's good, or two, if all failing that, you just pretend to be asleep during it. And that'll be fine.

Magnolia, I wish for your sake you had listed some of those numerous qualities that you loved about him. Because I am stumped. Yeah, how many good qualities have to counteract those two terribly negative ones? He's probably like jacked.

Oh, that's true. He's probably like jacked. He's probably got like triceps, pecs, lats, fucking deltoids. I bet he's got abs on abs on abs. Holy shit, this dude has good quads, I bet. Fuck, how do I feel during this sex? I feel like his lats are hot.

I feel like his triceps are on point. I feel like his pecs are in my face, but I kind of dig it. Is that crazy? Are you a horny bitch? I'm not a horny bitch, and I know how to protect myself. That's weird. That he wants to fuck her when she's asleep? He's worried about her protecting herself, and he's like, if anybody else tries to fuck you

in your sleep, you're just horny. How is that alright? How does that work? I don't get the sleep sex. You've never done that? No, I've never done that. Sleepy sex? I've had sleepy sex, but

waking someone up is very different than someone being asleep so you're like spooning somebody and then you're you're cupping their waist and then you're sort of tickling their breasts then you touch their legs and their thighs and you're like oh what's i wonder what their pussy feels like mom turn it off and it's like wet a little bit they're still asleep they're still i mean they're not necessarily like passed out of sleep but you're sort of like dreamlike state. Like we're cuddling, we're rubbing, we're grinding. And then, okay, this vagina is wet.

Okay, my dick's hard. And then slipping in and that's nice. Can a vagina be wet if a woman's asleep? Rose? I feel like she's pretending to be asleep for your sake, Jake, or something. I'm not saying that she's like fast asleep, but I think you're sleepy. My dick can get hard when I'm asleep. A pussy can get hard when she's asleep.

Sounds like we need a time-lapse video. Time-lapse video. Time-lapse. Time-lapse. Time-lapse. Cut to me and Jeff fucking. That wasn't a time-lapse. We did have that conversation.

Remember the conversation about being told what to do? Oh, yeah, yeah. How that's not a very sexy thing. Right. It sounds like that would be up this guy's alley and that puts me off him so that's a good that's a good general sex advice is uh one not give advice or tips during sex i don't know i feel i always feel weird saying general sex advice because everybody's so specific for me specifically i get turned off when somebody is

like giving me intense direction during sex i don't i think that's great i think that like some people know what they like and that's cool but like it turns me off you know right but you're not saying it's uh generically bad yeah i'm not saying there's anything wrong but amir you said you like it like a gps telling you exactly where yeah yeah ideally a ways-esque gps a robotic woman voice that sort of guides me to the clitoris. Ideally, obviously it doesn't have to give me in like square inches or miles, but at the very least, oh, you're now approaching your destination or whatever. I guess, yeah, I mean

I feel like I personally I think I could I think I know where the clit is but if I'm completely off it, I do I guess want to be told, because I primarily want to get somebody off. Yeah, I don't, I guess I was saying that I don't mind instruction as long as it's productive. Interesting.

What do you think, Magnolia? Who are you asking? The woman over the phone? Yeah. Well, what do you guys think? What are your thoughts on advice during sex? No. A solid no on that one.

Would you say i think saying what you like and what's like uncomfortable but not not advice that sounds like that sounds like fun like pillow talk i feel like a conversation before you're in the situation might be more appropriate like like you can study for a test but you can't use your notes during the exam yeah or like when you're acting you don't want to be thinking about the lines you just want to just be doing it. But you've thought about the lines in advance. That's true. I think positive reinforcement is always the way to go. So where it's like, I don't want to be like, no faster.

But I want to be like, if she starts going faster, I'm like, yes, like that. I like that. And then it's like, that's great. We're building on something. Rather than like. It's sort of like warmer, warmer, colder, colder. Right, but I would never say colder.

I would just say warmer, warmer, warmer, warmer, and then maybe stop talking. I don't want to hear colder. I really don't. I feel like it takes you out of it. Well, that's just me, though, you know? What about less warm instead of colder? Yeah.

What about I just go completely limp? Yeah. Or you just start, like, texting when you're not into it. That's smart. Yeah, you can tell... This isn't me right now. Instead of saying colder, her body temperature just drops rapidly, radically.

Both. Both. Yeah, her feet go cold. She's probably sleeping, to be honest. We're talking about this dude who wants to fuck her in her sleep and then made her feel shitty about it. I don't like him, Magnolia.

I don't like him one bit. I think it's fine if he has a fantasy and it's great that you fulfilled it, and that's beautiful, but he's going to make you feel shitty. You said he makes you feel like a slave. Call him out on it. I mean, if he has good qualities that redeem him,

I guess you owe him a conversation, so tell him that you didn't like the way that went down, and if he changes, great, and if he doesn't, fuck him. Yeah, well, the first one seems easily fixable. He likes to ask me how I'm doing over and over. That's just an easy thing. By the way, I don't like the way that went down. And if he changes, great. And if he doesn't, fuck him. Yeah, well, the first one seems easily fixable. He likes to ask me how I'm doing over and over. That's just like an easy thing. By the way, I don't like that.

And if he's the guy you're supposed to marry, he'll adjust accordingly. The sleep fantasy is a little more troubling. It's sort of a giant window into this terribly damaged psyche, it seems. No, that's not fair. Fucking a woman. He likes to fuck a woman when she's asleep and then say that, take it like a horny bitch. Do you guys think that that's fair? That what he's saying right now?

I think I'm on a marriage side with this only because my definition of sleeping is someone that's just like stone cold passed out. Yeah. Like if they're moving and like, like, like moaning, like they're, they're consciously like acknowledging that. Right. There's a big difference between sleeping and sleepy. and they're consciously acknowledging that the penis is being inserted. There's a big difference between sleeping and sleepy. This says sleeping.

I'm not saying, but he's not saying, I want to give you a drug that will make you pass out and sleep with you. It's just like, I want to do this role playing. And I'm not saying that that's like, I am not a doctor. I can't speak to his health. But if she's willing to do that for him, then I think that's fine. I think that's great. Some people like to be spanked during sex.

Some people like to be like, told that they're dirty whores. Sorry, you like what? And that's fine. As long as they're awake. I don't think I like that. No,

but some people, there, I mean, there's porn sites that are, there's one called like, I forget what it's called, but it's about like a doctor hypnotizing girls to have sex with them.

There's some weird shit like that. And I think it's fine if it's role playing as long as everybody's comfortable with it. I think it's fine as long as everyone's conscious. Well, she is conscious. She's pretending. She's doing this for him. What's not fine is that he's going to make her feel like shit after she feels out. Yeah, nobody should feel like shit.

That's my rule. No one should feel like shit. Thank you. That's what I'm saying too. The guy should. He's a piece of shit, right? Now we're getting the full game. No one feels like shit. Thank you. That's what I'm saying too. The guy should. He's a piece of shit. Now we're getting the full game. No one feels like shit except your boyfriend.

How do you feel? How do you feel? Oh no! Are you sleeping? You are getting sleepy. Sleepy. Alright, perfect. Take it like a horny bitch. You've got to learn how to protect yourself

there's a lot of role playing going on I think you can only ask you know you can't ask too much at once just which direction do you want to go

do you want her to protect herself do you want her to be vulnerable you're confusing the skill mixed messages from the guy and it's fair for her to have fantasies like in my fantasy

you're a sleep baby like a fantasy that you're a good boyfriend yeah and like in my fantasy you know how to find my clit without me telling you. Exactly. That's good. There you have it. What else can we say?

Open up a dialogue. If you really like this guy, he'll listen to you and adjust accordingly. Also, Rosie and I think he's a terrible human being for wanting to fuck you when you're unconscious. Jake and I are still trying to salvage him. I think if I get arrested for fraud, we're connecting this guy to the police somehow because justice should be served. The police that show up here to arrest you for your eBay stunts. Yeah. All right, all right.

Let's try to get to question number three. We were sort of saving this one until a lady was in the house. And when we couldn't get one, Rose will do. Nice. Please don't leave. Please don't leave us. We apologize. Obviously, that was a joke.

I'm on the fence. All right. Can you give us a female flower name? Dahlia. Dahlia. Oh, Dahlia. Dahlia writes, Hey guys, I have quite an annoying problem that many can probably sympathize with. I'm at that age where my sex drive is quite high and I'm currently single and the only way I can really fulfill that urge to have sex is to masturbate. However, when I am at home, my parents are too. It's harder for females to disguise masturbation than males. We make more noise, take longer to get off, etc.

How do I go about masturbating without being caught? I've been doing it in the bath lately and putting on music so they can't hear my moans, but I feel like it probably takes too much effort and they're getting suspicious. Any tips or advice would be great. Love, Dahlia. Go into the woods or something, right?

Yep. Alright, next question. We gotta go into the woods. Can you at least tell us which woods they are so we can make sure no perverts are afoot? Avoid state parks. No. Jeff sniped that shit. That was a bullseye from 100 yards away.

All right. Go to the woods, bitch. Question numero cuatro. When you're in the woods. All right. Blast some Metallica and they'll never guess what's going on. Is this true? Do you find this hard to masturbate when you're out?

Did you do this when your parents were around? Is it weirder for girls than it is for guys? It's so funny to watch me asking you. Well, my favorite thing is that my brother listens to the podcast. Oh. Oh. Todah Paul. Todah Paul.

So I feel like I'm very considerate of the fact that my family, it's their space. I would not want to make my mother and father feel uncomfortable in their own home. Sure. Are girls louder than guys? I don't understand that. Like, she can't control her moans so much to the point where she's like in the bath listening to music and she's worried that her parents will hear her. That sounds insane. Are there walls made of paper?

Yeah, maybe it's like a very thin walled community house. You know what doesn't have walls? The woods. The woods. The woods. She's not going to the woods, dude. Leave her out of the woods. I feel like, is there honestly not one hour in the day that your family aren't at home?

That's a good question. Maybe it's a student. She comes home in the afternoon. Parents are there. Then she goes to bed at 9 or 10. Parents are still there. She wants to get off while her old man is still in the house. Just while I'm thinking about it,

Jeff has a fantasy about coming across a naked girl masturbating in the woods, right? It's very clear to us now more than ever. That was a private conversation. This is a very public forum. I don't see how... Pillow over the face, is that a thing? Is that a suggestion? Is that a good tip?

I mean, I wanted to say something like that, but it seems insensitive to women. Why? Just a way to mask noise. It's insensitive towards noises, I guess. Smoke alarm? What is that? Burn your toast. The rabbit thing, the little eggs. There's tiny little

vibrators that are pretty quiet. I don't think she's talking about the sound of the vibrator being the problem. I think it's her heavy, heavy moans. Alright, is it... She really... You can't control the moans? I mean, I don't know. Dahlia, maybe she's got like a tracheotomy or something. That's not unheard of, right? Try being silent.

You can control the moans. I scream during masturbation. During pretty much anything. And my walls are paper thin. Sorry, Dad. Well, you live in a railroad. You have two open doors to your bedroom. She should do the saltine challenge while masturbating.

What is that, four saltines in less than a minute? Four saltines all in your pussy in less than a minute. If you can get them all the way up in less than a minute, what are you in, a free trip to the woods or something? Your very own tree house. Yeah, in all seriousness what about some sort of alfresco living meaning just nature calls uh once again meaning the woods bro read between the lines well what about i used to um did you do? I used to masturbate in the shower.

There was times – like when I was in seventh grade, I would masturbate in the shower so frequently that it got to the point where I stopped taking showers. Well, I would – all right. So here's what I did. I had – kids, you guys aren't going to understand because this is way back in the day where we had one family computer. I had to go on to Playboy.com, find the free images, print them out. I hid them in a Where's Waldo book that I kept in my bookshelf. I would go to the...

Which one? Where's Waldo in Time? Where's Waldo in Hollywood? Where's Waldo Now? Where's Waldo Now. Oh, that's a good one. And wait, is that the red one? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was Where's Waldo Now. And I would go to the bathroom, get a towel, wrap the book up inside the towel, sneak off to the bathroom in case I passed anybody in the hallway, turn on the shower, and then sit on the toilet and masturbate. And it would take maybe 15, 20 minutes. And then at that point, people in my family are knocking on the door trying to get into the shower. You have five kids in your family? Five kids?

I'm one of six. Six kids in your family. So yeah, it wasn't easy to take a 15 or 20-minute shower. There's not a lot of time for everybody to take showers. So it got to the point where I would only go masturbate on the toilet while the shower was running to hide it from people. And then people were knocking on the door trying to get in the shower so badly that I would have to not take a shower and just wet my hair in the sink.

Well, this sounds foolproof. So that's what I'm saying you can do, baby. Hannah, I'm finding Waldo. Leave me alone. Did you already find Waldo? I'm going to invoke my sister's actual name in this terrible,

terrible memory. That is something. That is something. But I mean, the noise of the shower might drown out, especially if it's shower and music,

that'll drown out your moans. Well, that's what she's doing. She said she's doing it in the bath, but people are getting a little suspicious. Why are they getting suspicious? Because, you know, long baths, a lot of music.

How many times a week can you do that? How long does it take? Oh, that is where the egg or the rabbit comes in. That'll get you off a lot faster. So your suggestion is use a vibrator. That'll get you off faster. You can get in more bean flicking sessions. Disgusting sessions. You disgusting

ape. You troglodyte ape caveman. And you put this other dude on blast for wanting to fuck his girlfriend while she pretended to be asleep. She never said pretended. You put that in her mouth while she was asleep at that.

I think I'm the only one that gave like a legitimate answer here as weird as that is going to the woods is the only jeff is talking about the bar in brooklyn we'll set you alarm for like 1 a.m or something or 2 a.m that's not a bad idea yeah middle of the night so the house is dead quiet and she's just like, oh, my bean. Oh, you know what? My bean. Set your alarm for 1 a.m., put your phone on vibrate mode, and then just shove that iPhone right in. That way when it goes off, you do too.

I'm so sorry about that. No, you're right. I do deserve a standing ovation. Where's the e-cig? We give this boy an e-cig. No, I'm okay. I do deserve a standing ovation. You deserve, where's the e-cig? We give this boy an e-cig. Nah, I'm okay. I don't really like it.

What about the car? Huh? What about the car? Doesn't have one. She doesn't have one. She's 15 tonight. She seems too young. She's like,

I'm at the age where I'm just starting to masturbate. I don't think she has a car. Maybe she shouldn't masturbate, right? No masturbation. Yeah.

Let's say driver's license is also a masturbation's license i think that's a safe that's a good new rule you get a car you get a bit of fun save up save up go raid your father's wallet like our good friend at the start 135 down payment on a shitty shitty car and it's a nice home away from home for you, too. Yeah, that way you can get a Hummer and a Hummer. Am I right? Am I right?

Stop blowing vapor in my face. How many puffs of this e-cigarette have you had at this point? I'm fucking gone, man. To that I say, all right, all right, all right. You can have this on an airplane. My hero is this e-cigarette in ten years. How are you

putting your own acting hero on a Thursday blast? That's not fair. I do love Matthew McConaughey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, I'll tell you what, free publicity. If y'all haven't started watching True Detective, I highly recommend it. And Dallas Buyers Club was also really great. Big Matthew McConaughey fan. Didn't like his speech. Didaughey fan didn't let speech did you see mud huh did you see mud huh how big a fan are you huh have you seen mud his movie mud sorry yes

oh what's up now can't exactly make fun of me can you have you actually seen it yeah i have have you what happens what happens what's it about Yeah, I have. Have you? What happens? What happens? What's it about? We don't have time. We should end the podcast. Because Ben actually mentioned it. That's how you get out of shit, people. That's my one piece of unsolicited advice.

I saw what was coming. I lied. The end. Lie, lie, lie. To that I say amen. To that I say all right, all right, all right. Always lie, always lie, always lie. We're out say amen. To that I say alright, alright, alright. Always lie, always lie, always lie. We're out of time. How did that

last for you, Jeff? Did it feel like it went fast? Yes, that did feel very, very fast. Although I did leave the room at one point. We are at the only, we're at the nine minute mark. You went to the woods. You thought that girl had already taken your advice. And other rows, how did you think this compared to your first time?

I didn't like sharing the spotlight. Yeah. But... Oh my God, that's so honest. It's okay that it was with another Rosie and a new friend Rosie, so... Yeah, two Rosies for the price of one. It kind of was like... Were you getting paid?

You were getting... Oh. Did you not get... You were paying her? We are totally, totally, totally out of time. And we've been so much. Thanks again to Matt Curry for making that opening theme song. If you have your own

opening or closing theme song submissions, please send those to ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. Thanks again to Jeff Rosey Rosenberg and Rose McIver for being our first four-headed podcast guests. We hope you enjoyed it. This last theme song is written by a guy named Steve...

Damadesh? Damadesh? Let's call him Stevie D. Stevie D, take us out. Thanks so much for listening, everybody. It's always a year what you're going through I wish there was something that I could do But if you need advice just write a letter

to Jake and Amir on If I Were You If you're let down, hung up, stuck inside some awful rhyme Your boyfriend's acting like an ass Your girlfriend's acting like a slut You're having trouble letting go You're having issues saying no Why not try to get advice from two guys with an online show? It's time to open up and share and have your problems blocked on air. Support your heart and send it along to if I were you show at gmail.com. All right, that episode once again was brought to you by LegalZoom.com. Visit LegalZoom.com to save on your legal needs like wills for $69,

LLCs for $99 plus filing fees, and also get access to a network of legal plan attorneys for guidance. Remember, LegalZoom is not a law firm, but provides self-help services at your specific direction. So if you do want to use LegalZoom, just enter discount code Jake or discount code Amir for more savings. That's discount code Jake or discount code Amir for more savings. Sorry about that. Bye, everybody.