Segments - 67: Howdy (with Dave Rosenberg)

Episode Date: March 10, 2014

Our dear friend Dave Rosenberg, the master blaster, joins us to discuss wet snuggling, overprotective parents, and near death experiences. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com -- http://bit.ly/17DIXqW. The best, easiest, smartest way to build a website without knowing how to do anything! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N dot com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order

and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. So, Jake, how, oh, damn it. Fuck me. Okay, no, Powering through. Hey, this episode is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace.com. What is Squarespace, Jake? Oh my god, I'm... This sucks. Sorry. No, we don't need him. We don't need him. So, what is Squarespace? Good question, Jake. Squarespace allows you to build websites without knowing much about the internet.

How great is that? You no longer have to be smart at things to do them. God, what a future we live in. Imagine if your grandparents were trying to build websites in the 50s. They wouldn't know the first thing. Luckily, society and technology has advanced to such a point that you don't have to know much in order to build your own website, blog, portfolio, resume. If you've been sitting on an idea because you're too dumb to actually execute it, squarespace.com will allow you to do

so. Not only that, but it's very cheap, it's very affordable. And if you use our coupon code ADVICE, that's right, as in Advice Podcast, they'll throw in an extra 10% off the already low price. once again, advice to create your Squarespace site and forward us the URL, I will pimp it out on our podcast. I will link to it on our website. Don't believe me? Askjacksonclairuk.com. Asklathan.net. Askicantrememberlastnight.com. And askkatieholiday last night.com and ask Katie holiday.com they used our coupon code last time and there it is the pimping out they could have only imagined has come to fruition to life to to life look I am so let's uh let's get into this episode oh sorry I forgot to mention you have to go to squarespace.com slash if I were you, and then use the coupon code advice to get the 10% off. Also, they throw in domain names, so you don't even have to know how to purchase a domain

name. It's really simple, and it's really fun, and it's really affordable. So yes, check it out. Okay, this episode, we finally got Dave Rosenberg on the show. It's been a long time coming, but we finally were able to haggle a price with him. Four slices of old pizza, and we were able to get him on the show. So, enough from me. It's getting a little weird. It's getting a little sad. Luckily, Jake was actually part of the episode. He just couldn't record this ad.

No pressure, no problem. Things still got real, I assure you. So let's get started. Later. When you're feeling blue, don't know what to do. You should listen to If I Were You. Yeah. All right. Short.

Sweet. Well, I wouldn't say sweet. Okay. Short. Because you're negative. It was short and sweet. It was like if there's a commercial for our podcast, that would be like the jingle at the end. That's nice.

When you're feeling blue, don't know what to do. That's nice and that's enough. That was short and bad. We finally have Dave Rosenberg on the show. Dave, how are you? Howdy. He's killing it already. To be perfectly honest, though, I think I'm going to have to run both your necks for actually letting me on this podcast.

What? It's a poor decision. Why? What are you talking about? The stuff that I say sometimes is racist, homophobic. You're going to lose a lot of sponsors on this, son of a bitch. A lot of sponsors. You already have such a bad attitude we

haven't even started wow i think you started that sentence with howdy it was such a positive colloquial greeting followed by uh vitriol dave's uh dave's influence runs deep throughout the podcast that we never had him on the show you you steal a lot of your colloquialisms, Jay. I give him credit. I don't want to be put on blast for stealing from Dave when I give him credit. Dave came up with Blast. Yeah, that was a good one. Or at least popularized it in my life. Right.

I don't know about coming up with it. As far as you're concerned, you came up with it. Yeah. Anything else? Probably. Part of me feels like the voice that I talk in on the podcast sometimes is a voice that I did with Dave when we were living together. Dave's like the man behind the man.

He's the guy behind the curtain. Yes. And we're excited to finally have him on the show. Are you excited to be here? Howdy. He's drunk. Howdy. Uh, here's a question for you.

You wear a hat every day. I do a question for you. You wear a hat every day. I do. Why? You have good hair. I do have good hair. So why do you hide it? Do you think that's part of your haircut?

Like my haircut is the length of my hair that comes out of my hat? To a degree. When my hair is short, I won't wear a hat. But every single day yeah you know you're you're putting me on a blast right now i'll be honest it's not a blast i'm just inquiring a question are you you're taking it as a blast yeah i'm taking it as a blast um i like this hat do you feel it does is it like a security thing is it like me with glasses like i feel naked without glasses i do feel naked without a hat i feel cold without a hat oh i guess i need to sort of get over the hat phase pretty soon in the summer though you're gonna still wear a hat every day the summer seems

like the optimal time to actually wear the hat right because then it's effective you're keeping the shade right keeping the sun out of your eyes do you remember the last day you didn't wear a hat that's my last hat question, I promise. 2000. 2000 days ago, exactly. The year 2000. Y2K. Y2K. So you've heard the show before, right?

Couple episodes. Okay. You're playing it so cool. Who are you trying to impress? Chill Dave. Chill Dave. So you know how it works you know people are finding themselves in difficult places and they'll email us to if i were you show at gmail.com we read the emails and do our best to advise them out of their sticky situations did i say the email address i don't think so maybe i

think i did but i'll say it again just in. If I were you show at gmail.com. Oh, people also submit theme songs, new theme songs for every single episode. And the one that started this episode, the one that was short and sweet and jingle-like, was a married couple. Very nice. Steve and Malika Bush. You know, I'm glad she took his last name. I'm really glad she did that.

Are you sure her name wasn't Malika Bush to begin with? Oh, he took her last name. Yeah, Steve. Steve took Malika's. Yeah. So thanks to Steve and Malika for that. Should we just dive right in? Yeah, I'm so excited right now.

This is the episode you've been waiting for. It really is. I think this is going to be the quietest I've ever been on an episode. I basically want it to be you and Dave. Well, you just want to live in Dave's brain for like an hour. Yeah, just, oh my God, I'm so curious. Okay, well, let's at least throw some stuff at him and see what comes out of his brain hole.

All right, let's do it. All right, here we go. First of all, I want to know what he was thinking when he decided to wear this white polo t-shirt you only wear white after labor day it's a new rule isn't it always after labor day it's always after the last labor day yeah so i'm right so you can wear white whenever you want that's true all right we agree very good then uh dave do you have a name theme for us every episode we give these real emails from real people fake names to preserve their anonymity. But we usually like to keep it within the same theme.

Do you have a theme for us today? True detective characters, but I don't know enough true detective characters. But that's good. We can at least start. Yeah. At the very least we can use real names and then the actors' names. I got it. I can do this.

Okay, so the first one comes from a dude named... Fuck, I don't know. Already. Russ Cole. Russ Cole writes, Hey guys, love the show. Keep it up. Here's my problem.

I've been dating this girl who has very strict parents. She has a 10 p.m. curfew. She has to first clear it with her folks whether or not she can go out with me. I can't touch her in front of strict parents. She has a 10 p.m. curfew. She has to first clear it with her folks whether or not she can go out with me. I can't touch her in front of her parents. Once, when we were out of town together, she had to send her mom photos of her outfit for approval before she set foot out of the house.

Lastly, I spend more time with her and her parents than I do just spending time with her alone. She loves and respects her parents a little too much for me to tell them to back off a little. Here's the kicker. She's 25 years old, and so am I. She can't move out until she's married. I really love this girl,

and I'm thinking about marrying her one day, but we haven't even dated for a year yet. What would you guys do if you were me? Love, Russ Cole. Rust. rust rust cole that's a good question dave right off the bat what do you think just kill the parents oh my god howdy dark have you ever had a strict lady parents strict future parents-in-laws i really don't like meeting people's parents, so I kind of avoid that whole thing altogether. Have you ever met your girlfriend's parents?

Yeah. I've never had them been strict, though. That seems super strict. Are you good with parents, girlfriend's parents? I think everyone thinks they're good with parents, but most people aren't. Really? I can't imagine I am. I'm not good with anyone, so why would I be good with parents, but most people aren't. Really? I can't imagine I am. I'm not good with anyone, so why would I be good with parents?

I think you're great with people. You can tap into your brain, and you are capable of having the most boring small talk. Every time I've ever seen him at a bar talking to someone, he is just like, you're going a mile a minute. You're smiling. You're laughing. You have this ability to convince people you're normal in small bursts. Don't get me wrong, you're abnormal. But you have the ability to convince, like a serial killer,

you're able to put people's guards down for long enough to infiltrate before you show off your true colors, which is a sociopath. Not a sociopath, but some type of deranged lunatic of sorts. I'll take that as a compliment. Are you good with parents, Jake? I'm incredible with parents. Yeah, because you're polite, you're funny, you're normal. I think that's the big one is just being normal.

Yeah, being normal yeah being normal and well that i'm not that this guy's asking for advice about how to be good with parents but like the biggest thing all the parents want is for their kid to be happy and loved so just show them that you love their kid sure and like hey i i really love her i think she's really important i know you think she's as special as i do. And then they're like, oh, great. You're good to go. Yeah, okay. So I think what this guy needs to do, short of killing them, you have to plant seeds. So you have to be like seeds of doubt.

Yeah, that'll grow into trees of misery. Yes. So when you're with your girlfriend and her parents are being overbearing, you're like, oh, man, I kind of wish I could spend some alone time with just me and you. It sounds positive. And then she sort of realizes, oh, yeah, I wish that too. And my parents prevent me from doing it. Oh. And then, Dave, you're shaking your head.

You don't think so? I think you go that exact opposite route and you become super overprotective of her in front of her parents to freak the parents out. Oh, I see. You're giving the opposite advice. A month later, or two maybe, you go up to the parents and you'll be like, this is how you're treating your daughter. Yeah. Like a fucking mind fuck.

Like it was all a fucking show. You turned the mirror on them, didn't you? Criss Angel style so you you treat her like garbage for a month maybe two no not garbage you just like overpower overbearing yeah and then when she starts to complain about it you hold a mirror up to herself and be like you know what that's what your parents are acting like or you want to wait until the parents complain and be like you know what that's that's what you've been acting like. You call a whole family conference.

A full family blast. An intervention of sorts. All right, take it or leave it. That's my advice. That's Dave's. Have you ever had strict parents-in-laws or girlfriends' parents? Most of them have been cool, right? Yeah, I think they've always been cool. I feel like my problem is that sometimes I'm with someone who really likes their family,

and I really like my family, so it's tough to balance whose family we spend time with. Yeah. But it's always been fine. I've never had a problem, really. It is a hard thing because when you love someone, you don't want to get rid of them just based on their parents. But parents can be difficult. That's a difficult curveball that you can't want to get rid of them just based on their parents but like parents can be difficult like that's like a difficult curveball that you can't choose at all i guess that's true i guess family their your girlfriend's family can be difficult uh i feel like in my situation my family is always the more difficult one oh that makes sense like my parents are more intense

than any of my girlfriend's parents have ever been right they're scary yeah but i mean i'm not scared of me right yeah um i guess yeah it's tough but also like he this this kid is in like the honeymoon stages of his girlfriend he hasn't been dating her for a year yet yeah so he probably i bet there's some level of like i want a lot of time with this girl and and he can't have it right now but like maybe in give it some time and everybody's gonna like ease into it although she's 25 and has to text pictures of her outfit to her mom for approval yeah that's crazy that's not all right i think i think he can if i have an open conversation with her about that like some stuff is a little bit too extreme maybe choose the most extreme stuff this is what i would extreme. Maybe choose the most extreme stuff. This is what I would do. I would choose the most extreme stuff and start with those things first.

Be like, maybe you shouldn't send out pictures of your outfit to your parents. Pick the things that you can comment on and that'll like sort of, that plants the seed in her too. Yeah. She's like, I wonder if that follows the rule all the way down to this thing. Yeah. I wonder what the living at home thing is. You think she can't move out until she's married?

That seems weird because she should, even if they're strict, she should be allowed to live on her own or with other girls or people she's not sleeping with or something.

You know what? I don't know anything about religion or anything like that, but I'm going to go ahead and guess this person's Mormon. Without knowing much about Mormonism,

I'm going to say this person is probably Mormon. Really? Keep in mind this is a complete shot in the dark. I cannot stress enough, I don't know the rules of Mormonism. I don't know how it affects people, why they act.

But I can say with almost 100% certainty that I think this person, this is a Mormon of her. She's become Mormon. Jesus, she's a Latter-day Saint. I would completely agree with you, Amir. That she's a Mormon? Yep.

Oh, well, there we have it. Two Mormons against one. A Latter-day Saint, and I am a fatter gay taint. Perfect timing for Jeff just entered with our drinks. You make him sound like a waiter. I'm just glad he came in right at a, I'm a fatter gay taint. Gracias, hermano.

Mi hermano. All right, should we go on to the next question, or is there anything you want to delve deeper into? Let's go on to the next question, but first, gentlemen, cheers to our triumphant return to the New York City. The big grapple. To having two days and two twins on our podcast.

It's an honor, a privilege, and frankly, it's a dream come true. I love you both. I mean, between Rose and Rosie, and now Dave, this is our third Rose, basically, in two episodes. Insane. That's, who would have? A trifecta? Never.

So perfect, it hurts the heart a tradition unlike any other it's the masters of podcasts all right next question let's do it um gosh let me see if thanks for the libations jeff i'm ready to imbibe you guys are smart i don't know any of these words you're kind of it's you feel do you ever listen to the Ricky Gervais podcast? No. Who's that? You're kind of like our Carl Pilkington, like the guy they have around just because his opinions are so unique and different.

We should do an, ah, God, I would love if they was always on the podcast. All right. I need to get paid for that. Do you have a uh female character uh maggie maggie all right maggie writes hey guys i've been in a serious relationship with my amazing boyfriend for nine months now everything was great except for one little secret that i had kept to myself for a few weeks and i would love to hear your guys's opinion before we were dating i was dating

somebody else. During that relationship, we have had kind of a wet snuggle with another guy friend, and since then, the relationship between me and that guy friend have been awkward yet playful, but only in a verbal kind of way. Just a few weeks ago, I was online chatting with this guy friend again, and somehow we both agree that we missed that night of spontaneous wet snuggling, and I half-jokingly promised him we would fuck for real if we both got out of our current relationships. Is this cheating? Well, to be fair, I have cheated on my ex with that guy already if wet snuggles count as cheating, and to be honest, I'm very curious what sex would be like with that guy, and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way. Am I a terrible girlfriend for promising casual sex Thanks, Maggie.

Thanks, Maggie. Thank you, Maggie. Thanks for writing in at all. First and foremost. Yeah. Oh, I love it. What's a wet snuggle? Oh, that's a good question.

A wet snuggle, I guess to me, I imagined it sort of like spooning while you're kissing the person's neck and maybe you're like feeling their pussy or something. Maybe you're like making out. It's like lazy, sleepy, snuggly where you're exploring each other's bodies but not having sex. What's the wetness? What's the moisture? I think wet pussy, pre-cum, and exchanging saliva.

Oh. But not jizzing. Maybe that's part of the wetness, too. Maybe you're, like, humping your butt crack or something. Oh, yeah. Okay, so. I was going to say mom turned down the podcast, but fuck it. You know what?

Let's save that for some real shit, mama. She is your number one B. My number one who? B? I feel bad calling your mama B. Oh. You say she's your number one b my number one who b i i feel bad calling your mama b oh what if you say she's your number one b my mom's my number one b yeah what does that even mean like uh don't trust the b like that b word what are you talking about you know what i'm talking about the word b i d i do you not get it still are are you doing a bit? What are you talking about? You don't get it?

What bit? Well, Dave, do you know what I'm talking about? B-I-T, a bit. A bit? No. A bitch. A bitch. Thank you. I just wanted you to say it, motherfucking yes.

No. I've called your mother that. I was a little confused. Mama, turn up the podcast. We got them dead to rights. This fucking Jew called you a bitch. Why? This is a whole thing as a setup.

We're not even recording a podcast. So does that answer your question about wet snuggles, first and foremost? Okay, so it's basically not sex, uh physical snugglage yeah the question is like bed grinding the question is one is it cheating to promise sex to a guy uh if and when you leave a relationship and two does it make her a terrible girlfriend she also asked if wet snuggling counted as cheating for what you cheated on her ex by doing the wet snuggle oh well i think that's uh that's a different i say say yes to any physical affectionist cheating. Let's go on to the second question.

Dave, let's say you have a girlfriend. She promises another guy sex. She promises another guy sex. Would you say she's cheated on you? My take on all relationships is sort of ignorance is bliss you know i don't want to know anything don't tell me anything uh and you know do what you gotta do so your take is they can even cheat on someone as long as you don't know about it well yeah i mean i wouldn't know about it to begin with so there's nothing happening

wow you are liberal dude no i'm not i'm actually i'm the opposite of liberal i'm i'm so conservative that if i ever found out anything i would just go crazy so i i've become liberal because i i hate being the jealous type but i i know i am and i can't change that so it's better for me just not to know wow all of your opinions are so different that i don't even know when to start where to. So it's better for me just not to know. Wow. All of your opinions are so different that I don't even know when to start, where to start. Right.

It's like your rule base is so liberal. Like, hey, if I don't find out, it's not a problem. It's so liberal. But your reaction to finding out would be very conservative, anger, screaming, yelling, jealous hate.

Mm-hmm. Right. And intense hate. But that's sort of how you are with board games too like oh if it's i'm not i'm not cheating me if i don't get caught right uh that's more jeff than me i love cheating in board games yeah jeff cheats all the time in board games i think i caught you cheating one time and we were playing the game of life the actual game or just living just straight up living no we were playing like they of life. The actual game or just living? Just straight up living. No, we were playing the actual life game, right?

We were playing that. Or Monopoly or something. And I caught him cheating. I was like, you're cheating. And he goes, I cheat to win. Yeah, no, that's why everyone cheats. Everyone cheats to win. There's no other reason to cheat.

I cheat just for the... You're not the joker. You just cheat for the thrill of it i cheat to lose you're really you're so you're saying this girl is not hasn't done anything wrong because her boyfriend doesn't know she's talking saying she won't have done anything wrong if she doesn't tell anyone anything including this podcast so in this case, you are wrong. It's too late. So the cheating is writing in, not actually doing this thing. Promising sex is beyond flirty, but I don't think it's cheating. I think it's fucked up.

Yeah, so it's not cheating, but you are a bad girlfriend for doing it. Well, yeah, think about everything you're doing out in the open. And if your boyfriend found out, you'd be mortified and he'd be hurt. So what you're doing is in the open and if like if your boyfriend found out you'd be mortified and he'd be hurt so what you're doing is fucked up it is basically i always act as though my significant other is a foot away from me always so i never i'm like scared to flirt i'm scared to talk i'm scared to look up your'll often girlfriends on on twitter or facebook because you say i i don't want to subject my significant other who is a foot away from me to this stench no i fart in front of my uh girlfriends when i do have girlfriends that is

right that might actually also be a part of the wet snuggle the what the moisture of the fart but that yeah when i'm in a relationship that's how i like treat my life i feel like as though there's this ghost of a lady here always staring at me judging me so it's like it's kind of admirable because it's like i'm not doing anything wrong but then it's like i have to uh sort of i'm only doing it because i don't want to quote get in trouble or get caught. Which brings me to the second part of my statement. It is fucked up, but at the same time, you're not, like, everybody's fucked up a little bit. People do fucked up shit all the time.

And you're not, she's not cheating, which is the most fucked up thing. Yeah, she's not actually snuggling wet. Yeah, she has this kind of, like, it's a cheap thrill, but it's not actually doing any damage. It would just hurt someone's feelings. Yeah. So I think you've done, like done the lesser of two evils. Yeah, the emotional cheat, not the physical cheat. But it's not even an emotional cheat to...

I guess it is. It's a little bit. Everybody has fucking fantasies. Yeah, but this girl actually told a guy. That's starting to creep into the reality. Yeah, if I'm single, I'll do it. But I mean, if you want to do it, just get single and then do it. Yeah, it seems like that's the first step towards breaking up is like, oh, if I were single,

I'd fuck you. Oh, me too. Or then that's like, okay, that's the terror. So we promise each other to get single and fuck. So all I have to do is get single and then I know I can fuck you. That is the, isn't that the best part about getting out of a relationship though? Like cashing in on all that, like flirting that you've done. Oh, like all this, the subtextual flirting.textual flirting they're like i can't ever do this because

blah blah blah now it's like okay i'm liberated i'm a free agent right hey remember yeah yeah yeah yeah yes no oh god that's like that's the honeymoon phase of being broken up yeah like the first x amount of weeks months whatever feels great and then you start settling into the reality once you exhausted all those resources and you look around and everyone's just empty and cold and you're like, oh no, I feel like that's where you are right now. You're so acutely aware of that emotion. No, I'm a totally different person.

I don't have emotions. What about you, Dave? Ever broken up with a girl? Yes and no. More no. I always get broken up with. I ride that shit out till it ends yeah i'll never end anything someone i just become such a bad person that i force the girl to end it oh you're one of those guys yeah which i don't love about myself yeah but i also don't hate about

myself but that's one of the that's like one of the things people learn as as they grow older is that uh when you're young you're like oh i don't want to break up i'll just be bad distant uh uninterested until the other person breaks up with me that way i don't have to actually go through it and then after you've done that maybe once or twice you realize oh it's easier just to have one terrible conversation and not have to be in this relationship for an extra year yeah maybe uh sounds like good advice but the problem is, I think, you don't have a lot of time

to dabble with being in a relationship. If you start at age 18 and you want to get married by 28 to 33, you only have so many years of being an expert before you get tied down. And some people even just settle down much earlier than that. To be perfectly honest,

the advancements in technology and science over the next 10 or 20 years means we're all going to live for a very long time how long what do you what's your theory on that how old probably oh 150 maybe 200 you think the first person who's gonna be 200 is already born oh yeah i do i watch ted talks 250 this I do. I watch TED Talks. 250. This actually brings us to our, can bring us to our break. Don't we finish this guy's first question? Yeah, yeah.

It's fucked up, but you haven't cheated, but don't follow through because then that's cheating. Yeah, yeah. Okay, cool. Let's get to the break where we just talk about Dave.

Great. Oh, this is all I've been waiting for. I don't even have to answer another question. What's like a good, you said you listen to TED Talks. That reminds me of, I think once I saw you audio recording all hands meeting at College Humor. Yeah. So that you can, so can you explain what that is?

That's just me not remembering anything anyone ever says. So what do you do? Listen to it like five or six times. So you record meetings really let it sink in you record every meeting uh yeah i do you record every meeting that you have and then you listen to it later like a podcast i record 12 hours of every day and then i listen to it for the reverse 12 hours so it's almost like I'm constantly living the same day twice. It's like if you were to watch the first half of Groundhog Day twice in a row.

You also strike me as someone that listens to a lot of podcasts at 2x speed. 1.5. I'm not at the 2x level yet. But you like to cram in a lot of life in your life. I've ran into iTunes to ask them to crank it up to 3x in the future. But at that point, it's just gibberish. There's no limit to how often and how much data I can stuff in my brain at every minute. I am curious why they even have that feature. What? Which one?

They have the 1.5 and then they have the two times speed for like who are people using that what's the probably right it just seems like you lose like all tonality and is it just like i feel like if you're listening to like a business podcast or like i don't know the economy or, but it seems like that feature, who's using that feature? People who are in a rush? I've watched one movie at 1.5 speed. A full movie? Yeah.

Why? It was. The Star Wars trilogy. No, my junior year of college, I did Mushrooms, and we watched Tenacious D pick a destiny all the way through, like on a PlayStation three. And then once the movie was over, we're like, what do we do now? And someone accidentally like hit the remote and it pushed it to like one point five speed. And we watched the whole movie again in like an hour. It was actually better. It really was.

Any other funny Dave anecdotes that can come to mind or questions the uh the one that i was thinking of when you were talking about date well the um what was it his last opinion on the uh ted talks thing oh the people living to be 200 yeah uh when we were in when we were in ann arbor oh yeah i'm a little groggy because we like drank a lot of vodka and then we smoked like a joint to our face. But we were sitting in this... It was my friend's little brother's house. Yeah.

And we're all talking about fucking deep, meaningful things on Earth and space. And they're like college kids, but we came to their level and we were just talking like fucking stoners who are learning a lot you know right it's like questioning things and uh like oh do you guys think the moon landing was real and like you said some stuff and then i like gave i i gave some stuff and then we asked dave like dave what do you do you think the moon landing is really cool i'm not sure the moon's real yeah Yeah, I mean, I think that's a fair assessment of a celestial object that doesn't rotate around the Earth.

So do you actually think that, or are you just trying to be silly at the time? You know, let's go with silly. But there is a part of you that wouldn't be 100% surprised if the moon wasn't real. You know, you can't really know anything. That's sort of what i think about stuff like who knows so that's where we differ i think uh there are plenty of people who are smarter than us or smarter than us three i should say that know a lot especially the fact that the moon is real would you call them liars well it depends how you define real okay would you be willing to talk about your

near-death experience um oh boy keep in mind only 70 000 people will listen to this in the next 70s nice i mean you're not at it you're not in any fault in this story no i'm not yeah sure why not so what was your near-death experience have you heard this story uh i think i've heard it but maybe not from dave exactly all right it's like uh a month into college jmu what up jmu there's a real quick anecdote about jmu jeff and dave went to the same school uh for anybody not they probably know anyone listening that by now, but Jeff and Dave are identical twins. Yeah. And they lived

in different dorms and they didn't hang out during their freshman year of college and they would see each other on campus and not even acknowledge one another.

I didn't even know that. And at some points, like since back then, they, you know, they had similar haircuts. They basically looked, I mean, they looked the same. Yeah.

And I didn't know the difference of them sometimes. So people would see Jeff out and they'd be like hey dave and jeff would just be like hey they just assumed each other's identities and but never hung out together that's pretty awesome yeah all right sorry go on we would see movies on sundays yeah 1.5 speed yeah we saw twins in 91 minutes all right so your freshman year at jmu a freshman year at JMU. Yeah, freshman year at JMU. I set up a party. Tight.

Yeah, it's whatever. It's a dope party. Ended up, like, pledging this fraternity, and... You joined a frat. I joined a frat, but this was, like, before I was in the frat. This was, like, when I wanted people in the frat to think I was cool. Right. By the way, don't call your fraternity a frat this is like when i wanted people in the frat to think i was cool right by the way don't

call your frat don't call your fraternity a frat you just called her frat twice you wouldn't call your country a cunt you did that before the podcast started you said welcome to this cunt i love living in this cunt you kept on calling it a cunt you went out of your way to do it lambda chi alpha all right get to the fucking near death experience So I ended up going home with this girl Who was like a senior To impress my friends

Was she an 8, a 9, what would you rank her dude? Solid 3 Very tight Chick from West Virginia They got tails, half of them do at least And then I got back to her place. Two hours later, after I didn't know how to have sex with her,

because I was like, oh, I assumed a senior in college would be the one to make all the moves, and I kind of pussied out. I ended up having to walk back to campus because I was nervous that she would wake up in the morning and be like, Oh, this dude's a freshman. I didn't know that I was going to have to drive him back to his dorm. And I didn't want to be a part of that awkward drive. So I ended up walking back, which is like four miles maybe.

So this is what time in the morning? This is like 3 or 4 in the morning. So at 3 a.m. after hooking up with this girl. Yeah, we were sort of hooking up. the morning so at 3 a.m after hooking up with this girl yeah we're hooking up you were sort of so at 3 a.m sort of hooking up with this girl it was one of those times where like a girl's wearing like spandex and i'm like oh is this can this be like used as like a condom if i don't have one okay so 3 a.m you've wet snuggled with this girl and you're ashamed to sleep next to her because you're afraid she'll find out your real age. So you decide to walk four miles back to campus. Yeah, so I got about like half a mile or a mile.

And I ended up hitchhiking. Thumbing a ride, as it were. Indeed. We'll get to that part. Yeah, and then the guy in, so Harrisonburg, Virginia is actually a pretty big, it's considered the meth capital of the East Coast because there's a lot of meth labs in the hills of Shenandoah Valley. And I-81 crosses right through the college, so there's a lot of weird truckers and meth heads and shit. And so this guy tried to play with my balls and my dick and shit, and I jumped out of the car, got concussed, lost a sense of smell,

half-deaf in my right ear. Okay. Lost my sense of humor. Back up a little bit. You told us about the fraternity, about using spandex as a condom, and then you got to the trucker trying to touch your dick and balls, and you glossed right over it. Yeah, I mean, you know, what doesn't he like?

You know, I'm fucking wearing a nice hat probably. Got a dope 18-year-old body. This dude tried to molest you. Would you say that's true? Yeah, well, yeah, it is. Yeah, yeah this is for yeah well yeah it is yeah yeah yeah yeah he was on meth at the time or some drug well he was like yeah he's addicted to drugs he's a crazy person you jumped out of the car i did jump out of the car how fast was the car going oh like an average speed i guess that's like 35 okay so you jump out of the car at that point

you're also going 35 miles per hour if i remember physics so you're you're flying across the ground at 35 miles per hour you hit something well the idea in my head was like i would open the door and like do this like dope ass like tuck and roll yeah like stop drop and roll right then you get up brush yourself off and take a motorcycle back to the girl yeah fuck the shit out of her this time yeah she, she's like, holy shit, you're in 10 years right then. But it kind of went down a little differently, where it's like I imagine I open the door, and if you saw it happen, it probably looked like I just fell out and just hit my head. Oh, you hit your head on the ground right outside.

Yeah, and then I went unconscious. Instantly. Instantly. Do you remember, or does your mind out like the leaving of the car um it remembers opening the door and then nothing else and then waking up in a hospital no not in the hospital i i woke up in the street with a flashlight in my face because i think like uh two girls found me laying in the street and called the ambulance wow and then like i i remember uh screaming uh-huh because like uh i guess whenever they find someone unconscious they're like worried

that their neck is broken so they like strap them to some shit yeah the stretcher with like a neck brace yeah do you know who those two girls are um no i don't wow so they just left you forever you never saw them again they saved your life they did save my life and then what is this about a coma oh yeah well i had to be in like a drug drug induced coma for like four or five days for them to do surgery on my brain and shit did the surgery go well oh it did not yeah no yeah i uh i became fluent in seven languages it's true how dare you it's true uh you think they just at they reprogrammed your brain and added functionality to it uh it's possible if you watch the proper ted talks you'll uh gain a little bit of understanding of nanotechnology. So how do you think that's changed you going forward?

A week, a month, a year later. I'll have a sense of smell so I can fucking eat pussy for days. You couldn't do that before? No, I was only eating an asshole before that. But the smell, you would assume it would be worse. No, I only eat asshole of vegetarians. It's a pure, organic taste to it you only eat asshole but you just said now you can eat pussy for days well you pussy and then i go to the asshole the

assholes down my dessert you only eat asshole because enough with this line of questioning they both become one entity when you're when you lick as long and as hard as I do. And is there anything else other than you? No, I want to keep on exploring this avenue. Please do. 21 questions. There's no smell I don't like. Do you think you've gone down on more girls' buttholes than you

have their vaginas? It's sort of like a dual entity in that regard. Meaning what? I don't swipe left or swipe right tinder style i swipe up and then down all right okay i create a shit trail from the asshole to the belly all right no you wanted to do this let's do this you ever heard of a trail of tears is a trail of smears ever heard of tobacco roadacco Road? This is Chocolate Road. All right.

Is there anything else you want to delve into, or should we try to answer one more question before we have to go? I guess we can answer one more. I mean, I could tell Dave stories all day. Yeah, we need to have him back because it's a never-ending scene. Right. I mean, we didn't even talk about the Chokeslam in Wisconsin. You've talked about that before. I've talked about it on the podcast.

I kind of lied a bit earlier. I've listened to every podcast. All right. We need one more dude question. Or dude name. Marty Hart. Marty Hart. Marty Hardy writes,

Hey dudes, I don't have a girlfriend. I think the reason is that I'm so damn serious. I don't laugh a lot and although I sometimes can come up with funny jokes, I think it's not very often.

And in a party, I only start to talk when it's about a serious issue, like politics, literature, etc. I don't think girls dislike me, but I feel like they cannot get close to me. I make them uncomfortable. What should I do? For you two, how much has being funny helped you to get laid? Thanks. Marty Hart.

I'll take this one I think Yeah It only seems fair Uh huh Do you consider yourself A funny person? I used to a bit more Then you sort of Enter the work world

And taxes And health insurance Kind of gets to you And you know How does your health insurance Get to you? You work at a company That pays it for you

Ha You got that right my friend What up college humor Dot com Check it out Yeah sure One word Insurance gets you. You work at a company that pays it for you. You got that right, my friend. Whatupcollegehumor.com. Check it out. Yeah, sure. One word. No, they know.

They know who we are. They've probably heard of College Humor. And what is a website with two words? That's not a thing. You can't put a space. Tell us about why you wanted to take this question. What was the question again? How do you be funny and do you think funny helps you get laid uh yeah funny definitely helps you get laid although i mean there are unfunny girls so

right there's definitely boring people that are with boring people yeah isn't it weird to think like we only hang out with funny people there's a whole pretty large section of the population that isn't funny well and when an unfunny guy hangs out with an unfunny girl, they can go weeks without making jokes. Do you think that's true? I think people always find a way to amuse themselves. So it's not necessarily our type of humor. We don't think they're funny, but they laugh.

But I think there are some people who are serious, like, yeah, I don't make jokes. I just don't make jokes. I just don't think I make jokes. I think that's possible. Yeah, it breaks my heart. But it is doable. And then those types of guys find those types of girls.

Right. It sounds like this guy doesn't want to laugh and make jokes. He wants to get pussy, which is, yeah. But it's tough. I don't know. I mean, there's so many factors to go into, quote, unquote, getting laid. Being funny is just one of them. But if you're funny.

Well, how did you get laid, Dave? You make girls uncomfortable. Yeah, but I'm ripped in all the right places. What are the wrong places, actually? Anus. A ribbed anus. Do you consider your sense of humor

a way to get girls, or is it more like the fact that you're 6'3", 190 pounds? 6'4", 250. I just love your brain should i make a believable lie up or just go for the goal it's like six and four 250 no not 250 you liar you sack of shit jeff adds an extra inch to his height every time he has to renew his driver's license. So you started at what, Jeff? You said 6'1". Now we're up to 6'4".

So you think the next time you get your license you're going to say 6'5"? I missed one of the deadlines, so I'm going to go straight to 6'6". Michael Jordan site. All right. So you're tall. You're attractive. You think you're also funny. You think that helps you get laid?

Yeah, definitely. I don't know. I kind of have a problem now where I don't know if I mentioned it before, but that accident made me like half deaf. And so it's really hard for me to hear what girls are even saying at bars or clubs. So I kind of have to do this thing now where I'm like having one way conversations and trying to assume stuff they say. And it's sort of like a weird game where I'm having a conversation with someone not knowing what 50 percent of the conversation is. So for me, I have to like randomly come up with stuff that's somehow relevant to her expressions and not the words that she's saying. And so I feel like I'm forced to try and be creative when I talk to people just because I can't hear anything they're saying ever.

Interesting. So that's your game? Recently. Since I moved to New York, it has been. How would you describe your game? Like you see a girl that you're attracted to at a bar. I feel like we talk enough about how we get girls. I want to know, through your lens, you find someone that's attractive at a bar.

What do you do? Oh, boy. You know, I shed a couple clothes. Yeah. Do some push-ups in the bathroom. Pop a shirt. Come out. Straight beater.

Yeah. Dave doesn't approach girls, don't think do you i i don't actually i don't that david it works really well for dave because he's like statuesque and attractive and he's kind of brooding and intense yeah girl somewhere do you see a lot of girls giving you the eye yeah that's like well they don't give him the eye like we'll go into a bar and like sloppily drunk girls will just come up to dave i don't that's pretty awesome yeah i mean they're wasted they just but they just want to fucking make it like there was that girl that came up to you and she's like my friends bet me i had like that i had to kiss you and you're like okay you started making out with her and meanwhile there was a girl coming to the bar to meet you yo baby i don't remember that ever happening you know my baby knows who this meet you. Yo, baby, I don't remember that ever happening.

My baby knows who this is. I shouldn't have it happen. I don't know if you listen to this podcast. If you didn't find out, it wasn't him. Didn't she find out? Didn't she come down and see you making out? Where was this? Probably the whiskey.

The whiskey, yeah. Oh, yeah. That was weird. Oh, that was interesting. Interesting night. Yeah, that was weird. Oh, that was interesting. Interesting night. Yeah, that is what happened. I always get in trouble for doing dumb stuff, so I stopped doing dumb stuff.

Can you give us an example of a funny dumb anecdote? I always get in trouble for doing bad and wrong things. With girls? Yeah. Okay. It's just like I... What's the dumbestest wrongest thing that pops into your brain right now you're out you're meeting people you're at a bar even if it's like it's never like with a girl from even if i like two girls they'll always end up being at the spot that i am and it's happening consistently life. So it's like, it's getting caught out.

It's like getting called out for something that I shouldn't even be called out for in the first spot. But I'm, I can never do anything like suave. I've never been the guy to be able to do that. Not because I'm not capable. Maybe I'm not capable. So what's the,

what's the game? What's your game? I don't know if I have a game. You do because you're a ladies' man of sorts. Jake's been out with you. He's seen it happen. They've closed. You know, playing the twin card is awfully great.

Really? Check out, if I could plug my website real quick. I don't know if you did it last night, Jeff, but twincest.com. What is that? That's Jeff and I going at it 24-7. Ask the belly button. Right. Tears of tears.

Is Twinsess.com available, and do you at least own the URL? We own Twinsess.gov. So do you have any funny, Dave, lady stories? Can I tell? I won't tell the specifics of one, but I do have one that I like a lot. I mean, I'm not going to stop you. It's your podcast. It's your fucking podcast.

I'm going to tell it, and if you really hate it when I'm done, then we can cut it out. Yeah. So we were out. Me and Dave were out one night. It was like one of those Thursday nights, you know? Thirsty. Yeah, that manic Thursday. You know what I like where we're just like need it you know so we're out we're we're out at our old corner like around 11th and berry so we're popping around to all the spots whiskey brooklyn yeah we're so we're at we're at whiskey but there's nothing

going on we're like all right we gotta we gotta try to find girls we might even start at the night at like white so like we were but we're like all about this corner yeah so we go from the wife to whiskey to brooklyn bowl to kinfolk and you can only leave this one square block yeah but it's like 3 a.m there's nothing happening at uh brooklyn bowl so we go over to kinfolk we're we're i'm like trying to find a spot to put my jacket dave goes does the fastest lap he comes out his eyes are darting he's not blank he's just like no go go he's like gesturing outside like there's a fire in the back like we have to get out and it's like it was almost 4 a.m at this point we just needed to go to a bar where there was girls we just needed chicks we walked down the we walked down the block to

like sixth street went into Five whole blocks Cameo Yep Cameo We went in Dave did a lap Came back He's like no We gotta go On the way to Cameo

We went to Roberta's But it was closed Then we went to Cameo We're like no We gotta go We gotta go And at this point I was like

It's like 4am I was like It was 4 Bars Everything's closing I'm like I threw up my hands Like dude I'm done

It's not gonna happen I'm gonna go home I went home Masturbate and eat a cheeseburger. That's probably what I did. Dave, meanwhile, went to like a 24-hour bagel shop, found somebody at 5 a.m. and fucked her on his roof. How? I want to know.

I don't know. We're almost out of time. I want to know how you go from bagel shot to fucking on a roof. Because he doesn't give up. I bought her sandwich. Can you tell me what happened? What did you do? Bagel shot the fucking on a roof. Because he doesn't give up. I bought her sandwich. That's what's up. Can you tell me what happened? What did you do?

How did you do that? I mean, it's four in the morning. That's how you do it. So you go up to her and be like, hi, what's your name? I'm Dave. I don't even say anything. You don't have to. It's like you're there.

I'm desperate. Are you desperate? Yes. I have a roof. I tip my hat. What? That's all I do. I just tip my hat it finally came out it finally came out that's what the hat's for i'll give you the real reason for the hat actually it just came to me my brain's a little dysfunctional but it came to me it's like when you're when you're out like the hat adds like maybe like four or five different moves to like any sort of dance repertoire you know oh it's like a it's an accessory it's a prop yeah so i guess i don't need to wear it during the

day but i get used to it because i wear it at night it's nice to have it it's a security blanket of sorts it definitely is um all right there you have it the hat it comes full circle we started with the hat we ended with the hat dave thank thank you so much. We can all agree this was a failure. That's what we say at Dave's funeral. Let's not get dinner and redo this. No, no, no. And I want to hit over the hour mark. We definitely want to have you back because there's a lot of more fertile ground to be –

what do you do with fertile ground? Sowed? Yeah, there's a lot of more fertile ground to be sewed. But thanks for coming on and at least getting this first one under your belt. The first one's always the hardest. This next time you're going to be very comfortable, very casual. You're going to really, really unload some real deep, dark secrets. I agree.

Yeah. I can't wait. The opening theme song, we're still accepting theme song submissions, was from a married couple, like we said before, from Steve and Malika Bush. And this last theme song was from somebody who, I forget, I think his name is something Sinclair, but his rap name is Mr. Sincredible, which is probably better than his real name anyway.

So thanks again for listening, everybody. Keep those questions coming to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Keep the theme songs coming to ifireyoushow.com. Dave, do you have anything you want to plug before we go? Yep, twintest.org, just like I said. Twintest.org. Oh, God, I'm being called out. I'm blasting the last moments of this podcast. If I were you.

If I were you. If I were you If I were you I'd listen to Jake and Amir To you everything seems hazy But to them everything is clear Yo, sit back and listen Enjoy the show You got a problem? Just let them know

And they ain't satisfied Just giving advice They're gonna tear you down They ain't gonna be nice You thought you were cool? The answer is no But maybe you could learn to be more hashtag dope And I'ma end it like this Bye. Bye. Bye.