Segments - 68: Hemorrhoids

Episode Date: March 17, 2014

In this episode we discuss boobs, watches, and anal discomfort. This episode is brought to you by LegalZoom: Online legal services, made easy! Check out LegalZoom.com and use either coupon code "Jake" or "Amir" for a discount -- http://zoo.mn/GPfH89 See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes.

Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z.

So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Look, I was going to ask for advice, but I'm afraid you'll hurt my feelings. But you're the only people I can ask They're just gonna tease me, I can feel it But they'll give me a fake name to preserve my anonymity

I'm beginning to feel like a pod god, pod god If you're stuck in the middle of VAC and non-trump, non-trump But you too won't browse to talk about it with anyone, anyone Email me 95u-how at gmail.com But if you're gonna ask for advice, gotta seize the cheese You're gonna be laptop and just ask something like I took a girl on our first date, it was a private place for me to masturbate Well my ex in that class, should I keep it?

Is my boyfriend a freak, keep him scared of demons? My friend took a photo of my penis Oh crap I bought from 1-6 while I'm sleeping I think I got a burn out while my mum was leaning On my lap, should I bring it up or should I leave it? This really is seriously pretty messed up I don't really wanna ask dad or gran or Anne for some help

How can I ask for help without embarrassing myself? Crap, what the hell do I do, Dan? At the same time, I need advice Which guys can I write to and rely on? What's to be able to remain motherfucking un-aimed? To preserve that anonymity and keep my identity? But I wanna make sure somewhere in this long list that You email that

I write that Thank you to Mick and Hummie get through this tough time Thought they gotta add their punchlines. I make fun of this situation of mine. But sometimes they'll combine their humor with their advice. But I guess any help will suffice. But make sure you give before break time.

See if they help me out now that I've sent this email. So you'll be asking, they'll be answering. So don't be a retard, be a king. Think not. Why be a pod king

when you can be a pod god? Todah. Lyrics coming at you at supersonic speeds. That was a parody of Eminem's Rap God. Yeah. Get into it. If you weren't impressed by that, you should listen to the actual song, Rap God, and then listen to this again and realize this dude fucking killed it.

If you can imagine rap god's even better than that parody but not by much not by a lot because this one actually i might like this one better because it was about me yeah and things that are about me are better yeah yeah i enjoyed this version because it's me because it was me yeah and like when my friend of mine writes me a text message i think that's better than any novel ever written because that text message is about me yeah i want i like it when things are me related me related uh eminem is so good that i overlook the fact that his like the actual lyrics themselves are like homophobic and dumb and old and weird references to monica le still. Yeah, he still talks about Monica Lewinsky and, like, he's shit-talking NSYNC.

Yeah. Who they're so far broken up. He just, it's almost impressive how little he gives. He's like, I'm going to do it so well that, like, I can say things that, like, are, like, gay or retard, like, things that are considered no longer cool, but, like, it doesn't matter

because it's said in such an impressive way that I'm still going to be good. Oh, Marshall, you're so hateful, but you said it so fast. When lyrics were coming at me at supersonic speeds, I couldn't help but barely understand how impressive it was. Calling people the F word is fine from you. Because the way you did it was fast. Because you did it quickly and to a beat. If you don't have time to listen to the entire Rap God song, because it's like six minutes, really impressive.

But there's this one part. Why are you listening to our podcast? Sorry, I'll listen to 40 minutes of this podcast, but Rap God, six minutes, I got places to be. Pass, pass. There's this one part where he raps insanely quickly and clearly. I think, what is it, like 130 words in 16 seconds? Yeah, I thought it was 150.

Say something insane like that. I went down a rabbit hole of, I just searched fast part Rap God, and then there's like Eminem's version. then there's like eminem's version then there's like this it's like white teenage girl doing it very impressively well young jewish looking dude doing it well then there's a video called teaching you how to do it where they start it really slow and build up i may or may not have done that for a good half hour yesterday before yeah you showed me you're yeah pretty good at it you say it fast thanks dude i read it i read it fastly yeah i mean i'm not i can't even make fun of you i was legitimately i was like dope my friend is dope eminem is so fucking good that

you reading off of a computer it impressed me somehow here's the most impressive thing I've ever done to you alright so what is this show of ours this pod god we blow Eminem for the first 10 minutes we forgot to mention this guy's name that wrote it Adam Flanagan yeah Adam Flanagan that's actually a cooler name than Marshall Mathers yeah Marshall

Mr. Mathers fuck Marshall just kidding man the show is called If I Were You Yeah. Marshall. Mr. Mathers. Fuck Marshall. Whoa. I'm just kidding, man. Okay. All right. He does it. The show is called If I Were You.

It's an advice podcast. It's the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. Yeah. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. I almost forgot that part because we haven't recorded in like over a week. It's been a while. Yeah.

I almost forgot we had a podcast. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. I came home and you just had all these mics set up i was like what the fuck are you doing and i was like we have to record a podcast i was like not now i'm drunk yeah and it's two in the afternoon it's 90 degrees in los angeles we're hot this god this room is so fucking nice we almost deserve it i uh it's good to be here it's really nice out it's good and it's nice it's nice and it's fun it's fun to be warm and comfortable the sun makes me happy

it gives me the happy feeling i'm solar powered yeah my serotonin is linked to the Earth's closest star. That's it. How is that good? The way it works is people email us at ifireashow at gmail.com, and they're asking us for advice, and we do our best to offer it. Is that it? Is that it? I think that's it.

Let's get started. Yeah! That was perfect! Oh, shit. We're out of time. No. Yeah. We blew Eminem for close to 41 minutes.

We had a perfect game going. Since it's Selection Sunday, we thought we'd give these real emails from real people, fake names to preserve their anonymity, and the theme would be number one seeds in the tournament. So this first email comes from someone, a British dude, we'll call University of Florida. All right. The University of, yeah, the Gator's right. Dear guys, about a year ago, my friend was fooling around with a girl, sending nudes back and forth. He saw it as a little bit of fun and ended up showing me the pictures of her.

After about a month or so, they became official and he brought up the fact that I had seen his girlfriend's boobs. He told me fair is fair and that he should get to see my girlfriend's boobs too. We ended up working out a deal where he could see a nude of my girlfriend if he was with his girl for as long as I had been with my girl, which was about four years at the time. I thought nothing of it, as he had never really had a serious relationship to date. Fast forward to the present, and they're still going strong. My question is, when the time rolls around, do I honor the deal? I don't think my girlfriend would appreciate me showing off her nudes, but a deal is a deal, isn't it?

Love the show. University of Florida. So, you want me to do the math a little bit yeah so he was with his girlfriend for four years a year ago uh they've been together now for a year so he has about three years left to go before he has to show his girlfriend his boy his friend his girlfriend's boobs at that point they may or may not even be together. Right. But should he honor this deal? I guess it's interesting. It's an interesting thing to pontificate on.

Yeah. But I don't think, he's definitely not in any dire, there's no urgency here. Yeah, he's got time. Three more years. But it is an issue. It is, I guess. It's on the deep back burner.

Yeah, but it is on the burner itself. We'll call this deep, deep back burner. A DDB. Would you show your friend your girlfriend's boobs? Of course not. I would never have agreed to the deal. But what if you did agree to the deal? What's more important, following through with the deal or not showing your friend your girlfriend's boobs?

I think people are always growing and evolving and changing. So I often do feel that it's fine to call off a deal or a promise. He'll want to see the boobs. Or like any, you know, like you're like, oh, I promise it'll be this way forever. And then you're like, oh, wait, I changed my mind. I've reneged. So yeah, this is a new version of me who says the old version of me was wrong. So you say it's more honorable to renege than to not show your girlfriend's boobies.

I think you just have to choose who you're loyal to, your girlfriend or your friend, if you love your girlfriend and you don't want your friend to see your nipples, then I think you could be like, hey, you know what? That was your call that you showed me that hookup boobs that you were looking at.

You didn't have to do that. I didn't know there was a deal going into it. I don't know why I agreed to a deal. Yeah, he had already seen the boobs. Why was he agreeing to the deal? There's nothing in it for him anymore. It's not like show me your girlfriend's boobs and I'll show you mine. If you had a girlfriend and I had a girlfriend,

would you do boob for boob? Uh, I don't think so. Because I would feel bad if my girlfriend found out. Right. But what if she would never find out? How would she find out? I guess if you promised me she would never find out out of sheer curiosity i would do that deal wow but i would do a lot of stuff out of sheer curiosity that i don't do for fear of people finding out so you would be but you would be afraid that you would find out so you would say

no it's like why on earth would i tell like i don't know it could come out it could come out and uh how in a drunken thing like oh yeah I told my girlfriend that you saw her boobs and she liked it oh by the way I'm your girlfriend we did the same thing to you what oh my god I hate you oh my god why are you talking like that girl that robot what oh my god my fucking tits even worse I can't close my mouth all the way. Fucker. Yo, fucker. There's a sock in my mouth all the time.

Lyrics coming at you at supersonic speed. Ah, some of the... So, would you... So, I renege. I would say this offer is not beneficial to me.

You're a renegsman. It's degrading to my girlfriend whom I love. And newsflash, I was already flashed. I saw your girlfriend's tits. You get nothing. You lose. You lose, sir. Good day.

I said good day, sir. Took a porno Willy Wonka. What would you have against showing me your girlfriend's boobs? I guess... I mean, I personally, it's sort of a, like, that's, it's a violation of her trust. Right, so you feel bad for her. Yeah, I feel bad for her. Or like, oh, nobody can see these boobs but me.

I guess, like, I wouldn't like the thought of you sitting in the bathroom jerking off thinking about my girlfriend's tits. I'm not going to sit in the bathroom and do it i could do it in at night or in the shower by the way i can picture what boobs look like oh shit i'm doing it right now stop it you're cheating on me i'm grabbing my hand let go of me let me jerk it i'm picturing her i can picture her that's such a funny like scene from a movie like by the way i'm gonna go into my room right now picture your girlfriend and jerk off you better not dude stop me look at my fucking eyes i can see shutting his eyes i can see your tits open your eyes dude forcing my eyelids open you You fucking tear them apart. We have to go to the emergency room.

It's all like in your imagination. You can do anything. Yeah, I can Photoshop it. Yeah, you can go to the bathroom. You can go to bed and have a dream about my girlfriend's tits. Yeah. Like, quit it! Quit that!

If you had a wet dream about my girlfriend at the time's titties, would you tell me? Or was that something, is that a secret one? I don't know. There's no need to tell me that. I would, I probably would be. I had a sex dream about your girlfriend. I wouldn't be afraid to tell you. I wouldn't be like, oh my God, I can't tell him, he's going to get mad.

You'd think it was funny. Sure. Wouldn't you? I think I would smile and be like, really? Ah, that's... I'll kill you. That's me turning to her. And you just, just, just took it?

You sleep slut. You dream whore. Sure, Jake's dreaming about it. He's a pimp. I can't be mad at that. But you were there. Your fucking dream legs were just open to him georgette oh no you don't get it my next girlfriend's gonna be called georgette really georgette that's nice georgette that's cool and i'm gonna say meet georgette oh or meet georgette son Like I'm calling you son

Oh meet Georgette son Yeah she has a Daughter Jude E your name is E then Wait what She has a daughter Jude her name is E She has a daughter Jude E Jesus this song sucks

His boy Elroy Which is pig Latin Or Rel Elroy is the Roy In Spanish Let's go back All the way back to the question Whoa why?

Because we didn't quite answer it yet That's fine You would say you would renege I think renege Like you Well but you don't have to do it yet it's three more years he's probably not gonna be with this girl for three fucking years or you might not be would you be more willing to show me an ex-girlfriend's boobies

um i don't know because i mean like my exes might listen to the podcast but so i'll say i'll say of course not like i don't even. Yeah. And now I'm just nodding at you. Yeah. Whoever. Carte Blanche. I have more than three external hard drives, just terabytes and terabytes of my ex-girlfriend Tara biting me. I guess it's just weird that I would, I feel like there's not, I wouldn't necessarily feel any, like, there's anything wrong with it because it's kind of innocent. It's not like, it's not like I'm posting it online for everyone.

If I had my phone and there was a picture and you were like, I really want to see, I feel like I wouldn't be like, I'm not going to show you because it's a violation of our trust. I'd be like, I'm not going to show you because you're being weird about it. You're just telling me, please let me see. No, it connotes a long history of a weird feeling you know like i wanted to see your tit the entire time you were together now you're not and please do you have nudes so that has nothing to do with quote unquote violating your trust i mean that goes into it too you know

maybe it's like the subconscious of my brain uh i would also if i were you not do it uh i would be too fearful of my girlfriend finding out uh or ex-girlfriend finding out. Not worth it. You've already seen the boobies that you want to see. You got nothing, no reason left to give anything else up, I guess. You've won. You win. Congrats.

You've attained boobs. You won the game fair and not square. Because you're not square. All right. Should we switch it up? boobs. You won the game fair and not square. Because you're not square. Alright. Should we switch it up? Try to answer another quest? Another one. Let's do it. Need another one seed. It's tough because they're announcing the brackets

right now as we record. What's UConn going to be? I'm sorry, man. Are they not in the tournament? I actually don't know. I don't know how good UConn's doing this year, but they're definitely not a one seed. I thought they were in the Big East Finals. Yeah, but they lost to Louisville. Okay.

That's okay. That's fine. Oh, Wichita State. There's another one. Great. All right. Wichita State's rights. Hey, dudes.

For my upcoming 18th birthday, my grandma said she's giving me my deceased grandpa's Rolex watch. I like watches myself, but I'm afraid if I wear it, people will think I'm a douche. What should I do? Thanks, Wichita State. Oh, Wichita. You are a bitch-a-ta. And it's not a shocker, which is their mascot, to hear that you are one. How old is he? 16?

He's 17, for my upcoming 18th birthday. Oh, okay. So here's a lesson you should have learned already. Never be mean to your grandma. Yeah. You never are ever, ever mean to grandma. Okay. Well, he's not even asking about being mean to grandma.

He's not wearing the Rolex. I don't want the watch. He can accept the watch, but does he have to wear it now? He doesn't have to wear it. No, you just have to be grateful for the gift. Wear it on special occasions. Nobody's going to think you're a douche for wearing a Rolex. It's a cool watch.

Is it? Or is it so cool that it's douchey? If I wore a Rolex, you wouldn't laugh at me? If you went to Rodeo Drive and you spent a couple thousand dollars on a Rolex, I would think you were a huge asshole. I would have no problem teasing you relentlessly. But like, if your grandmother gave you your dead grandfather's

watch that she smuggled in her asshole out of a concentration camp or something. Yeah, I mean, that's the only way to get a Rolex nowadays. Yeah, ass smuggling out of a concentration camp. But then it's like, number one, that's kind of cool. It's a vintage Rolex. Oh, yeah. Pretty tight.

Yeah. And you have a story. It's the perfect excuse to wear a Rolex. Yeah, because you have a valid reason to. It is kind of douchey to wear a Rolex, maybe. But not if you're like, it's my dead grandfather's. My grandma gave it to me. Then it's like, wow, that's a cool story.

Yeah, but people don't know that. You're going to go out and about and wear a Rolex, and people will just assume that you spent money on it. Well, people will just assume you're wearing a watch. If they get a closer look, they'll probably ask, whoa, that's a Rolex. It's not a question. What do you want to know? Yeah, it's my dead grandfather's.

That's how it's going to go down? I think, yeah. If you're wearing a watch, somebody's like, cool watch, and they're not necessarily like, is this a Timex or a Rolex? It's just like you're wearing a watch. somebody's like, cool watch, and they're not necessarily like, is this a Timex or a Rolex? It's just like you're wearing a watch. It just looks like a watch. And then you've got to look at the face to be like, this is a Rolex. And then you come in like, wow, this is a Rolex.

Like, oh, yeah, it's actually a cool story. My grandfather, God rest his soul, left it to my grandmother, and she waited until I became a man, until I was ready for the watch. So your version of a cool story is one where your grandfather dies? Why is that cool, you inconsiderate asshole? It's not cool that he died. You said it's a cool story?

It's a cool way to get the... You piece of shit. What's going on? And by the way, this is not a Rolex. Looking at it closely, this is a Ropex. It's a Folex. It's a Ropex. It's made out of a juice cup.

How dare you, sir? So you would just wear it on special occasions. Yeah, I don't think anybody wears a Rolex like every single, maybe some people, but maybe rap smiths do. Yeah. Maybe Marshall. Showed up in a coat fresher than wet paint. I think that I, like, yeah, sometimes I wear a watch.

If I'm wearing a suit going to a wedding. That's kind of a nice occasion to wear a watch. If I gave you a Rolex, would you wear it? There's a video where I gave you a Rolex, right? Yeah. Called Rolex.

Yeah. Uh, I think, well, it's, it would depend, you know, like if you gave me a Rolex,

I would be like, why did you spend so much money on me? I'd be upset about that. Like, it's your birthday. I have a lot of money. I wanted to give you something nice. A good piece. I don't want that. I don't want you spending that much money. It's your birthday. I have a lot of money. I wanted to give you something nice, a good piece.

I don't want that. I don't want you sending me that much money. It's a good gold piece. I wouldn't enjoy it. I would feel sad for you. Let me at least give you this piece. If it was handed down, handed down, handed down, and then it came to you and you didn't necessarily want it,

but you thought it was my taste, my style, and you were like, this is sort of like a retro, charming, vintage Rolex. Yeah, like a black Rolex. Yeah. Brushed metal. Right, and like with a cool leather band. Yeah. Yeah.

A leather band, black, brushed metal. What else would you want in a Rolex? I don't. White. You're writing this down and you can stop. Ivory face. You're on designingyourowncustomrolex.com. Who bought that shitty URL?

I would not. I would sell the Rolex. No, you... I would sell the Rolex. Douchebag. I want cash for that. You fucking asshole. I want money to have cash.

You fucking douche. I love just holding stacks of green. To have that cash in me, in my hand. I'm shoving the money in my ass. God, that's hot. My grandfather left me this wad of cash. I guess he had it in his ass for a while. Why did grandpa have the cash in his ass?

It was the Depression. Nobody trusted banks. Where else was he supposed to put it? Oh, you drooled. I'm sorry. You just drooled. Yeah, it was funny. You drooled.

Yeah, I was drinking water and I drooled some of it out. Have you ever drooled like you were just sitting, reading, or sitting watching TV and you drool? All the time. It's so embarrassing. It's the youngest you can be you can't even keep saliva in your mouth you're so dumb oh shit i once drooled looking at food like homer simpson like straight up straight up mouth-watering food just like oh oh my god i really want it think. I'll have the steak. Did we answer this guy's question?

I think so. We say wear it on rare occasions and I'm just going to make fun of you. Toad. Toad to the da. Toad to the da. All right. Third question. Third team.

Arizona. Arizona writes, Hey guys, I've been dating this girl for a few weeks and I really like her. However, recently she's been trying to get me to do anal stuff when we hook up. She says that it'll be really intense and pleasurable because of the male prostate and all. And I know that that's true for most people, but not for me. Why? Because I have really bad hemorrhoids.

Any light touching down there causes me intense pain. I've avoided it the last few times by saying I wasn't really in the mood for that, but she keeps suggesting it. I was considering lying and saying that I had been abused as a child and anal stuff is really traumatic, triggering, but I think that might be a bad idea. Should I come clean about the hemorrhoids

or is it too gross to bring up while we're still in the infatuation phase of our relationship? It seems like she's really turned on by anal stuff. So if I tell her about the hemorrhoids, I'm afraid she'll no longer be sexually attracted to me. Any help would be greatly appreciated thanks guys love arizona zona so this one seemed almost like a lie um because hemorrhoids are like such a funny it seems like like hemorrhoids and anal fissures are like the two things that like you go to as a joke it doesn't seem real like hey i need help oh yeah my girlfriend wants to touch my butt but i got a hemorrhoid yeah or like uh oh you got hemorrhoid cream price check on the hemorrhoid cream i have a hemorrhoid cream uh but this week i got a hemorrhoid i cannot be i cannot be a hundred percent sure i didn't go to a doctor but i've i i diagnosed

myself this week with a hemorrhoid. And it's embarrassing, but I'm trying to reclaim this illness, this malady. Right, you own it. You own it. As not embarrassing. Here's a question. Why is having hemorrhoids more embarrassing than having, I don't know, a sprained shoulder or a popped blood vessel in your eye? Because from what you told me earlier, a hemorrhoid...

It involves your butthole. Well, and because you're straining too hard to shit. The way you get them is because you strain too hard to shit. People don't know that. People don't know. That's not the embarrassing part. So this is what I learned about hemorrhoids. I always, when I grew up, or basically up until last week when I...

I'm just saying you hurt your shoulder rock climbing or playing basketball. No, no, no. You get a hemorrhoid trying to poop too hard because you're constipated. That's a valid excuse. I'm just saying you hurt your shoulder rock climbing or playing basketball. No, no, no. You get a hemorrhoid. I'm not counting this as a valid excuse. I'm not counting it. Starting from the top, what is a hemorrhoid? Forget everything you thought you knew about hemorrhoids. Hemorrhoids I thought

was like growths in your asshole or some weird thing that happened when you had anal sex or something like that. Not the case. What are hemorrhoids? Do you know? Did you know did you know before i told you basically uh no so hemorrhoids this is what i learned while diagnosing myself when i had an itchy asshole uh your sphincter muscle the circular muscle that opens and closes while you shit is called a sphincter okay funny name a sphincter says what and all that jazz. Hilarious. Throughout the sphincter

there are veins. These veins are called hemorrhoids. If somebody says that they don't have hemorrhoids, they're lying. Everyone has hemorrhoids. The people who have hemorrhoids and quotes the disease have inflamed hemorrhoids. Do you get that? What causes them to inflame?

Yes, one of the reasons is sitting down on the toilet for too long causes undue pressure on the veins. They're not 100% sure, but these are just theories as to. Oh, so not like pushing, but just like having too long of a shit. Yeah. Having too long of a shit can cause hemorrhoids or inflamed hemorrhoids. I do take long shits. Is that just because you're like being indulgent? You're like on your phone.

You're just chilling. Yeah. I'm usually on my phone and chilling. And pushing too hard is another thing. That's why pregnant ladies, when they give birth, will get inflamed hemorrhoids. Interesting. And constipation and diarrhea also cause them. But I didn't have any of those stuff.

So what happens when you get a hemorrhoid? It's discomfortable. I feel like we're like Dr. Drew right now. We're like, we've never done this before. Yeah, I've never spoken. It's only because it's happening to us. We've never been like, all right, so here's what you're like Dr. Drew right now. We're like, we've never done this before. Yeah, I've never spoken. It's only because it's happening to us. We've never been like, all right, so here's what you're dealing with. It's actually called, like, we've never ever tried to be doctors until today.

Well, there's intense hemorrhoids, which are like inside and cause rectal bleeding, which I was lucky to avoid those. And then there's external hemorrhoids, which are the ones that you can feel on the outside of your butthole, which cause, it basically feels like there's a paper cut on my anus. It's going away because I treated it with Preparation H. You really bought Preparation H? I brought, remember, I know. Is it in the bathroom?

Yeah, it's in the bathroom. In my bathroom? It's in your bathroom. Dude, you can't do that shit. I'm sorry, bud. Like, if I have, if I have a guest over, somebody comes over to my house and they use my bathroom and they pop over, they pop open the medicine cabinet. It's not a medicine cabinet. Good.

I actually here's a let's just call this sort of the break. I bought preparation H as well as preparation H wipes like wet wipes that I'm supposed to wipe with while I have this thing because I'm not supposed to use dry tissue paper because obviously that can irritate it. And I came home and I looked at the ointment and there was an applicator an attachment to the bottle it's like a toothpaste bottle and then there's an attachment to the top that looks like an extra three inches with holes in it so for you to stick up your butthole and like squeeze the tooth tube tube of toothpaste how do you know when you've squeezed enough well luckily I didn't have internal hemorrhoids, so I didn't have to use it. So you're just dabbing them on the outside.

Yeah, I just take a little dollop of it. Do you use a mirror? I do. It's really interesting because how do you use a mirror to look at the inside of your butthole? You see the inside of your butthole? Yeah, what do I do? I face away from the mirror.

I look through my legs, spread my ass cheeks out wide, and you really get to learn something about yourself when you give yourself your own anal little exam. I don't want to be intrusive. Can I apply your preparation tonight? I'd love to apply the ointment to the roid. Yeah. Yeah. I'd actually like to get my hands in there, sir.

Well, permission to spread your anus Yeah. Yeah. I'd actually like to, I'd like to get my hands in there, sir. Well. Permission to spread your anus and massage preparation agent onto your sphincter and your inflamed hemorrhoid gland. Granted. I'd love for you to do that. Let's do it during the commercial. There's no commercial. During the ad of our.

Oh. Yeah. We'll typically record an ad after the show. Oh, so while we're recording the ad for this episode that people have already listened to, that we have yet to record, you want to spread my ass cheeks open and apply this ointment to my roids. Oh, yeah, this is really backwards. This is some sort of time warp. Well, this is all to say that I'm just trying to de-stigmify hemorrhoids.

Maybe now that you guys know the truth about it, it won't be as silly and weird and stupid when somebody explains to you that theyify hemorrhoids. Maybe now that you guys know the truth about it, it won't be as silly and weird and stupid when somebody explains to you that they have hemorrhoids. In fact... What do you mean silly? Maybe it won't be silly. Anyway, I go upside down, spread my button, and apply the cream onto my sphincter.

But at least they know what it is. It's not just a silly little disease anymore. Yeah, I think I used to think that it was a growth of something that wasn't supposed to be there, almost like a wart. Yeah, I think I used to think that it was a growth of something that wasn't supposed to be there, almost like a wart. Yeah, like a wart. It's interesting to know that it's an inflamed gland. No, not a gland, an inflamed vein. An inflamed vein. Yeah, a vein.

It looks like a kidney bean underneath your sphincter muscle. Does it look gross? Yeah, sure it looks gross. I mean, an asshole already looks gross. No, they don't. Assholes are beautiful. Not ours. Ours are hairy.

Yeah. Ours are hairy and bad. Ours are bad. And then, I mean, you can do a Google image search. You can see what a hemorrhoid looks like. I'd rather not. Okay. So...

I did just Google chronic hemorrhoids when you were reading that question, because I was trying to see, like... I was trying to, like, figure out my advice for this guy. So now I have that search history forever. Yeah. It's in the cloud. I've been doing a lot of private browsing this week. A lot of internal searching, actually.

So, well, this guy says he has really bad hemorrhoids, so maybe he has something that's worse than this one-off thing that I have. Maybe he's got internal... From what I've known, hemorrhoids go away. They come and they go. Like a popped blood vessel in your eye. I didn't see anything on, hemorrhoids go away. They come and they go. Like a popped blood vessel in your eye.

I didn't see anything on chronic hemorrhoids recurring. But maybe, I don't know, that was like 30 seconds of a search. So who actually knows? Well, let's say he can't get rid of it. The question is, should he say, sorry, I don't want to do this because I have hemorrhoids? Or should he say, make up a different excuse. Sorry, I don't want to do this because I was raped.

Yeah. She's like, that's how bad hemorrhoids are in society, that people would rather say that they were raped. Yeah, I mean, he's like, I don't want to freak her out and say I have hemorrhoids, so I'm going to tell her I was molested. Yeah. That's going to bother her more. I guarantee it. Then it's like a horrifying thing that happened to somebody she is infatuated with. Yeah.

I say – I'd also submit that she's trying to – she wants to like finger your butt. Is it something that – is it necessarily something you're up for if you don't have hemorrhoids, if you had a healthy anus? Like if I had a healthy anus or if I – since I have a healthy anus. Yeah, obviously. I can't get on the one with the hemorrhoids. And like, I don't necessarily want somebody's finger up my butt, whether I have hemorrhoids or not. I think I would feel comfortable being like, I appreciate that.

You think that's hot. I don't. I don't want to do this. I appreciate the offer. I thought that this is what I wanted. Rather be a starving hemorrhoid Than succeed at getting anal fucked So What should he do?

I think Maybe she can do what you're joking about And she can apply the ointment That way it's butt play and also helping you out That's hot for her, hot for you Suddenly she's three inches deep with that applicator addition. Oh, shit. Sort of pumping you full of the Vaseline that you need.

Spitting into it. Just jumping on a tube of desitin and filling you up like a puff pastry. I think if you're in the infatuation phase, there's almost no wrong that you can do. So she might think that the hemorrhoids are cute. It depends on how you broach the subject like look i um i don't know fucking gross sorry cool hemorrhoids are neat i think you can i i think it's just a matter of like you should feel comfortable enough to be like i don't want to do anal stuff and you should also feel comfortable enough to be like look i have hemorrhoids it's

i know it sounds crazy but this is what they are they're not as bad as they sound yeah actually if you could listen to this podcast this dude amir is pretty chill he talked honestly very honorably and heroically open about his personal experience that you're giving that's a bit it's a bit that i'm doing yeah and you've called yourself a hero if one child out of a hundred million uh takes that and relates back well it's great that i don't even i don't quite know the other line but you know what i'm trying to say it's from rap guy yeah yeah well it's from monster oh shit um what was i gonna say uh? Uh, applying the, uh, preparation H to his hemorrhoid.

Yeah. That was, uh, that was, uh, one suggestion. That was honorable. That was heroic.

That was good. That was, uh, that was a heroic one that I did. Uh, yeah, I guess I would say be as open with her as possible. Hemorrhoids do have a bad rap.

God. But, uh, they, uh, they're not, they're not as disgusting as other ailments that you can have down there it's not like an std or open sores or anything right that's fair that's true and like more of an inflammation than anything else another option is to just get wasted and then

she could put her finger up your butt like could you imagine a finger up your butt right now would it like really yeah well mine's like shriveling and going away. But at the height of the roid, I wouldn't have liked it. Would you even like having sex? Yeah, because the anus is sort of far away from the tip of my peen. Right. Well, more than the tip goes in during sex, right, buddy?

What? More than... Oh, no. What's sex? Describe it. When you put the tip of your penis against a woman's vagina, thigh, or throat. All right.

Thank God. I was afraid you didn't know what it was. We're both wrong. We're two idiots. The blind are leading the blind. Yeah. Do we have anything else to talk about during our break oh shows coming up we have shows coming up why don't we announce them oh my gosh this is it this is a breaking

story shit we have a tour coming up that's right not really a full tour but three awesome cities nonetheless that's right we are going to seattle portland yeah san franc. And that's it. Whoa! Seattle, Portland, San Francisco. Do you remember the dates? It's like April 26th? There's a Thursday show. So April 24th, 25th, 26th?

Or 23rd, 24th, 25th? Oh, I know what it is. Seattle, April 24th. Portland, Friday, April 25th. Okay oh i know what it is great seattle april 24th yeah portland friday april 25th okay san francisco sunday saturday oh is it sunday it is sunday sunday uh april 27th that should be the week that we stay and hang out in san francisco oh yeah we're done with the that's great yeah beautiful time of year lovely that time of year Great. I think tickets will be made available soon, or you could search our website or something. We'll announce it more formally than that.

We also have a show at the University of Minnesota. Yeah. April 10th. April 10th, if you go to the University of Minnesota. Yeah, very specific reference. We are going to Minneapolis, Seattle, Portland, San Francisco, nowhere else. Ever again.

The end. Yeah, alright. Should we question four it up? Yeah, how are we doing on time? We're over 30 minutes. Great. Let's see if I'm going to refresh my ESPN page to see who the last number one seat is wow oh my gosh

UConn no University of Virginia UVA UVA Charlottesville love that they won the ACC tournament for the first time since 1976 they beat Duke if you can imagine Duke Duke you all rightook you. All right. What does UVA write? UVA writes. Oh, this is kind of an interesting story. All right. Ready?

Yes. They write. So here's my problem. About two weeks ago, my sister and her husband had me over for dinner. My brother-in-law was telling me how frustrated he was because apparently my nephew spilled Coke all over his very expensive nice new keyboard. A computer keyboard, not piano. What really was bothering him was the fact that after the kid broke the keyboard, he hit it. My bro-in-law just wants to see the keyboard and

assess the damage, but he thinks the kid is lying and just stole it or gave it to a friend or something. Now, about a day ago, my nephew approached me in confidence when we were alone, and he sadly told me he masturbated for the first time and splattered all over the keyboard. He panicked and threw it in a garbage bag, went to the park, and threw it in a public garage. This has been going on for two weeks, and my bro-in-law and sister won't let it go. They keep hassling the poor kid. It's making family dinners really uncomfortable for my little nieces and obviously my nephew. I made up some bullshit reason about how I have a bud who works at Best Buy

and he can hook me up with the same keyboard for half the price. It's not true, but I was just going to buy it myself. But my bro-in-law is saying that my nephew needs to learn a lesson. My nephew begged me not to tell. I think he was scared and just wanted to get it off his chest. Should I tell my brother-in-law? Tell my sister? Tell them both?

Plus, the kid is looking to me for advice on masturbation. I don't know what the fuck to say to him. I'm 24, 25 years old and I'm probably addicted to porn. Anyway, thanks guys. Love, UVA. Oh, UVA. This is an interesting conundrum. Yeah.

So who do you side with? This kid who opened up to you about his first masturbation? In confidence, hoping to God that his parents would never find out? Or should you take the even higher road and tell the parents knowing that they won't get that freaked out? What? Might they get freaked out? I don't think so. I think they're angrier now than they will be when the mystery is solved.

Right. It sounds like, I guess it sounds like he's angry about the kid lying. Yeah. More so than he is about, like, the actual losing of the keyboard. Yeah. I guess the thing to do is tell the kid that it's not a big deal, that masturbating is fine. Yeah. And that he should maybe tease out the cum a little less because then it won't squirt. Oh, what do you mean tease out the cum?

I mean, sometimes if you tighten your grip on your penis and you sort of hold off before you release, it'll squirt. Oh, like backs up and then it explodes. Like when you open a champagne bottle and you put your thumb over most of the opening and it has to squeeze through that little hole. Right. It's going to go further. When you hold a hose and then let go and there's a rush. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right.

So I guess, yeah, tell them to control the squirting. Yeah. Or you can just do it into a cloth or a paper towel, though I'm sure you learned that lesson the hard way you got i mean and also i don't think semen will really break a computer keyboard no i think he just freaked out he's like what the fuck am i supposed to do now i can't clean it oh god and it's almost true like how do how would you get come out of a keyboard like you can't really use water you can't like dry it off there's gonna be like dried semen i think well i mean if you immediately unplug it wipe it down with a with a washcloth yeah then go to a park and then

put it in a public park you know what you should do this guy should uh get one of his friends to dress up as a park ranger and knock on the door and be like sorry ma'am is a little johnny home i have reason to believe that this, he's holding a garbage bag. I have reason to believe that this cum-soaked keyboard belongs to you. Yeah, I guess they tried to dispose of it in a public receptacle, and we were very turned off by it. We rummaged through all the trash looking for cum-soaked keyboards, and we traced his DNA back to this little address.

Little Johnny's not the first, nor will he be the last. We followed the trail of cum all the way from the park down to, yeah, this front, this here front door. I guess he was drizzling the whole way home. Like Hansel and Gretel, he led us here with his trail of seers. So that's one way. I think, I would say

you tell your sister. She's your blood. She's also, she's married to this brother-in-law. Yeah. She's going to know how to handle it. Yeah. She's got the sensitive touch. Yeah.

I think brother-in-law lost sight of what's important. I think he cares more about the story of the keyboard than his fucking son's feelings. I don't think that's cool. I don't think that gets me off. Well, of course it doesn't get you off. Yeah, I'm sorry. What would get you off about this story about everything in terms of masturbating what would get me off is maybe having sex in a

public park has any of this have any of these questions gotten you off yeah the hemorrhoid one yeah the one who wanted to yeah because i started thinking about anus in the middle yeah i started thinking about buttholes even mine not yours my yours. My infected butthole. Not yours or that guy's, but just, you know, a woman's. So that was cool. I liked the way that felt. Yeah. That was nice. That turned me on.

It almost got me off. Oh, here's one thing I didn't mention about hemorrhoids that I wanted to. Great. Let's go back. Statistics say that over 50% of people have hemorrhoids. So I think it's just a lot of people not talking about it. Over 50% of people have had them, have dealt with them. Yeah, have dealt with them.

So I don't know. All right. Just throwing that out there. You know, that's like, it's like one of those things like, oh, everybody has herpes. Like if you ever had a canker sore, then you have a version of herpes.

Oh yeah. Okay, look, I understand that. That being said. That being said, you have herpes. I don't. Don't put that on me. Like, oh, everybody, 50% of people have like dealt with

hemorrhoids like oh cool you have them right now so you're gross you're the gross you're the gross and actually you trying to like justify it and downplay it and make it seem normal makes it really freaks me out i can actually see you sitting on it as if you're sitting on a beanbag chair. All right, so you're saying tell the sister. I think tell the sister. I think she's going to know how to play it. I think you have a little too much power in the situation right now because they're coming to you saying we're so mad at our son

and the son is coming to you saying, like, I spunked all over the keyboard. Yeah, I splooged. Yeah, I think you've got to just be like, look, I don't want to be part of this situation. You tell kid i i don't talk to the don't talk to me about this shit yeah well actually this is your chance to be a good like a good uh aunt or uncle i don't know if this is a man or a woman uh yeah it's a dude university of virginia idiot fuck you uh uh so you're saying don't don't don't tell the sister i guess tell the sister but you gotta like not tell the nephew that she told the sister i would if i were you downplay it

to the kid and be like dude that's what you're worried about that's no big deal i used to do that all the time oh no yeah like one time my dad splurged on a new keyboard, and then I splurged on the new keyboard. Yeah, splurged and splooge. Yeah. Very nice. He splurged on it, I splooge, and then you sort of... I'll show you in like this. Oh, oh, oh!

Oh! You molester! You, you, you lester the molestered me! What the fuck was that? Fucking shady ass uncle. I didn't want that. Uncle Virginia, you are no uncle of mine. So downplay, I try to get the kid to tell his mommy.

And then the mommy will tell the daddy. The daddy will have a talk with the kid about his ding-a-ling. Ding-a-ling. And then I get to see the next time he does it. To that I say amen. To that I say to-da. To that I say amen. To that I say all right, all right, all rightah. To that I say amen. To that I say alright, alright,

alright. I made a joke about seeing the kid masturbate. It was you were already making a different joke. I just wanted to address the fact that I don't actually want to do that. And to that I say amen. And to that I say alright, alright, alright. And to that I say just keep living.

And to that I say one more time unequivocally, I do not want to see a kid masturbate. Without a shadow of a doubt, I do not want to see that kid masturbate. Let me state it, without any ambiguity at all, I do not like to see children masturbating. To that I say, amen. To that I say, to that, to that I say, all right, all right, all right. I realize to do a good Matthew Mahoney, you just have to be, not like a southerner, but like tired. Yeah, I was thinking about it.

All right. Yeah. All right, all right. Just thinking about it made me interested. To that I say, my hero is a kid masturbating 10 years from now

when he's over 18. Are you your hero? I say, heck no. My hero is me in 10 years from now. He's so good. And that keeps me going. he's such a good actor how is it how is that that dude so good at being somebody else he's so good at being chill and then he's really really good at being awesome at acting you're good at being awesome as an actor man

so you're good at acting and then being chill. And to that we say amen. To that we say toadah. To that we say all right, all right, all right. I think to that we say toadah is going to be a new thing. To that I say toadah. Matthew McConaghy. Did we answer this guy's question? I think so.

I say tell the sister. You say downplay to the kid. Have him tell the mommy. I would love a follow-up pup on this. Yeah. Oh, this is a good one. This one is unique. This one is good. This is everything we want, and it's got a great subject line.

It's called Nephew Jackoff, which I really appreciated, and I think I'm going to be arrested just for having that subject in my email. Just the friend I've got on your phone, yeah. Yeah. What was Nephew Jackoff in your email? Don't look through my fucking email, babe. I showed your tits to Jake.

Now, can we talk about that? To that I say, to da. Alright, alright, alright. Alright, alright, alright. That's our show. Once again, we're going to be taking Thursday off this week, but we'll be back next Monday. Keep those theme song submissions a-coming.

The first one was from, oh, I already said Adam Flanagan, and this next one is from Matt Bauer. Matt Bauer. And if you have any theme songs or questions of your own, email us at ifiveryoushow at gmail.com. Thanks, guys. Thanks guys! you're asking me what i would do i know my friend i know a couple of jews cause when the whiskey runs dry and the troubles flow over there's only so much you can hold on Once again, thanks to LegalZoom.com for sponsoring that episode.

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