Segments - 69: Mom

Episode Date: March 24, 2014

In this episode we discuss dimes, mothers, and Dave Rosenberg. This episode is brought to you by OurTunez.com -- The best way to discover new music, and get paid for uploading your own! Check out http://www.ourtunez.com/ifiwereyou and use promo code "Jake" or "Amir" for FREE six month premium membership. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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And that's OurTunes.com with a Z. Woo! Slash if I were you. Sorry. So amateur. Let's get. I just wanted. Yeah. I took a fart noise.

I apologize. Let's start the episode. That was lowbrow. Things get real. Things just got real right now. Yeah. Bye. One, two, three, four.

Jay and Amir have a show. But it's not the one you probably know they're not the awful people they pretend to be and that one here they're real but it's still a lot of fun oh don't get me wrong they're still really awful people especially big but we love them still we can't stop listening no We can't stop listening No, we can't stop tuning in If I were you I'd host the podcast show

Perfect song. Really? I loved it. It was a ballad. It told a story. And it was funny. And it made me feel nice. What was the genre?

Because I like that song. But how do I listen to other songs like that? I think it's like folksy. Pop. Folksy pop. It wasn't pop, was it? It was pop, yeah, because it was catchy and it was upbeat. Okay, I want to listen to it.

What's the most famous song that sounds like that? This Land is Your Land? Yeah, no, because it's not quite as poppy as that yeah that was just just more folk that's like simon and garfunkel but oh yeah simon and garfunkel aren't quite as folksy as that but well this guy's name is he wrote this whole email accompanying his song and i'm like this guy's a turd i'm not gonna play a song but then the song was so good that i'm like oh this guy's actually really good yeah i'm gonna to read his email verbatim. The whole thing, wow. So he said, my name is Sheridan Wojka, W-O-I-K-A. So if we use his theme song,

I'd love for you to plug my band, the Sheridan Wojkas. And then I clicked on the Sheridan Wojkas, and it takes me to a website called Sticker Kids Kitchen. So there's a chance that the Sheridan Woykas changed their names to Sticker Kids Kitchen, which probably makes more sense because Sticker Kids Kitchen is much more fun and cool to say than the Sheridan Woykas. Either way, the song is great.

Thank you, Sheridan Woyka. Well, that's how you listen to more songs like that, then. You become a Sticker Kitchen fan. Yeah, that's how you listen to more songs like that then. You become a stick-in-kitchen band. Yeah, but I don't want to learn new songs. I feel like I like the songs that I know. You already know Macklemore and Rap God. Yeah, so I feel like I've already known Rap God, and so now I'll just listen to the Rap God over and over.

Yeah, like I've already listened to all the good songs, so I just have to listen to them again. Just, yeah, fair enough. Yeah, I don't want to learn the good songs, so I just have to listen to them again. Yeah, fair enough. I don't want to learn anything new. Bad attitude. Song-wise, I feel like I've peaked. Oh, you know what? I think there's a song that's like,

what is it? Is it? No. It's like, it's late December and I should be back at school. Something like. It's like Counting Crows? No, no, no, no.

It's like. No, no, you idiot. Oh, Maggie, I couldn't have died. Another if I could have tried. Oh, fuck, no. This is the most embarrassing thing I've ever done in a podcast. Any more? Oh, God, you're awful.

You're so bad at music. Shit, what is that song? You want to look it up while I explain the show? Yes. Alright, great. Hey, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm looking up a song, but I'm Jake.

So, how does it work? People email us with their difficult little questions. They need advice, and so they come to us, and they email us at ifirewshow at gmail.com. We read these real they come to us and they email us at ifirewshow at gmail dot com. We read these real emails from real people and do our best, our darndest actually, to advise them

out of their sticky situations. It's Rod Stewart, Maggie Mae. Oh, Rod Stewart is really good. You know what song does kind of sound, reminds me that gets me happy like that opening theme song is? Uh-huh. That was a bad way to say it but uh someone like you by rod stewart how does that one go someone like you makes it hard to live without

somebody else someone like you i just wanted you to make it easy there's oh there's some other song that's like this. Oh, fuck it. Fuck it. Songs are good is what we're trying to say. We like music. Even though we can't sing it or appreciate it, we like old music that we can't remember. I wonder what percentage of people listening to this podcast are listening to it for the first time.

Maybe it's 5%. Maybe it's 10%. But if you are here for the first time, thanks for joining us. We open every episode. You never ever thank new people. Why not? We should.

Well, I guess we're starting now. I just wanted to explain that every episode starts with a new, brand new theme song that is submitted to us by our talented fans. And, yeah, you can submit those yourself at that same email, if I were youowatgmail.com. Now, this episode will be a little bit different because instead of choosing four questions together, we each chose two, and we're going to read them back and forth, and the other person is going to hear them for the first time. So I chose two questions, Jake chose two questions,

and we haven't heard each other's questions yet. That's right. Do you want to start or should I start? I'll start. Yeah, you never read questions. I'll start. Yeah. I'll start or should I start? I'll start. Yeah, you never read questions. I'll start. I'll start. Hey, now.

I will start. Hey, now. You're an all-start. Get your game on. Get your read on. Go fart. Nice. What's a good...

We'll do 90s bands. Oh. We'll do 90s bands from Smash Mouth. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. These are real emails from real people. We give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. So this person's name is Smash Mouth. Smash Mouth. Okay, yeah, yeah. Okay. These are real emails from real people. We give them fake names to preserve their anonymity.

So this person's name is Smash Mouth. Smash Mouth writes, Hi, I've listened to every episode and wished I had problems that equaled those of the people who write in

and I never really did until recently. I've started talking to two girls. One, an absolute smoke show, 10 out of 10. Perfect.

But I find just a bit off Not that she's not nice There's just something about her personality I don't quite like Then There's this other amazing girl Probably a 9 out of 10 And I find her personality beautiful I want to get to know her better

And hopefully start dating her But I just can't get out of my head this opportunity I have with a 10 out of 10 What do I do? Should I fuck the hotter one just can't get out of my head this opportunity i have with the 10 out of 10 huh what do i do should i fuck the hotter one just to get it out of my system then get with the 9 out of 10 any advice would be brilliant smash mouth cool i've never heard a question for the first time on the show before that was fun uh so this guy's choosing between a dime and a nine a dime and a nine dime with a terrible a nine. Dime with a terrible personality. Not a terrible, but something's wrong with it.

Something a bit off. Something a little bit off. I want to see if you find in this email the same thing that I caught. Which was, is it the overarching sentiment of this guy can fuck a ten and a nine? It's sort of the overarching sentiment of this guy's self-aggrandizing asshole. Which is? A ten likes me and a 9 likes me what am i gonna do hook up with the nine but then i'll never get this 10 out of my head so even

though i don't find her that attractive personality wise i would like to fuck her just because i can and then i'm gonna then i'm gonna go out with. Well, it seems like he brings up an interesting point, not specifically this scenario, but you always go for, let's say, the most attractive person right off the bat because that's the first thing you see with them physically, and then you start taking away points based on their personality. So this girl, I mean, a ten and a nine are so similar,

it's almost not worth it, even trying to figure out the specific problem here. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Sometimes I have beer goggles on so blurry that I think a 9 is a 10 or a 10 is a 2. It honestly doesn't even matter. That's why I coined the phrase. And I say coined because I'm talking about dimes nickels pennies and and and quarters sometimes as in i've had a quart of beer and i am so blackout drunk that my beer goggles

make me screw a fucking buffalo nickel what's a buffalo nickel it's it's a five that looks like a goddamn donkey it's a five that resembles a goddamn buffalo that's right yeah i'll fuck a i'll fuck a girl who looks like a buffalo bills player actually a water buffalo as i need to butt chug water just so i can sober up to stop myself from hooking up with this goddamn nickel this girl who looks like i swear to god thurman thomas with a wig jim kelly without one jolly old saint nick nickel she is fat and bearded and i'm not sure she's a woman but i've had enough ales in my body to decide that my goggles are made of beer and i think i'm gonna hook up with her or him. I have beer goggles so thick. I'll fuck a bottle of beer.

I don't even need a woman. I will have sex with the beer that I drink. Fuck, I'm cumming. Oh, no. I fucking premature ejaculated into a Heineken bottle. I put it in her hiney. I have cum goggles now. They're way more cloudy. It makes every girl look like beer.

Where were we? What should he do? Should he hook up with this 10 just to get it out of his system and then move on to a 9? You know what? Sure. If you can hook up with a 10 and then a 9, do that. Please. You don't have any advice that you need.

It's self-aggrandizing. You can't hook up with a 10 and a 9. That's what I'm saying. I feel like he just wanted to write this email just to fucking show his problem to the world. But let's talk about it in more grand terms. How much, let's say there was a 10 with an awful personality and a girl that you would deem a 5. You know, I feel bad even ranking women at this point. Actually, I would like to submit this.

If you actually have feelings for this beautiful nine, then there's always going to be tens out there. There's always going to be tens. There's always going to be sevens. There's always going to be fours knocking down your doors. If you are feeling something for this nine, and she's beautiful inside and out, then cut it off and just go and just fuck her.

Yeah. Well, I have a problem. I can't really separate a hot person with a terrible personality is not attractive to me. Oh, yeah. No, I don't have that problem. Some people can separate the personality and the physicality. Yes. You can.

Yeah, of course. A hot, terrible person you can still be attracted to. I could be attracted to an ugly, terrible person. I have been. I've dated them. What? You dated an ugly, terrible? Of course.

A UT? I? Of course. Did you just confess to me that you have a urinary tract infection? I do need cranberry juice. That's what girls do when they have UTIs, right? Yeah I do need cranberry juice. Is that what, that's what girls do when they have UTIs, right? Yeah, yeah, cranberry juice.

Yeah. So how do you, is it a conscious thing that you can do? Like, oh, this girl's hot but terrible, but let me try to not think about that, or is it just... Well, geez, Louise.

Is it the way your brain is wired? If a girl is hot but terrible, then I'd like to punish her by fucking her, stabbing her with my knife dick. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The curse. The curse.

In my mind, your way back at her isn't by like, if a girl's hot but terrible, For me, yeah, my way is like, you're like, all right, I'm not going to talk to you. Yeah. If a girl's hot but terrible, I'm like, I'm going to fuck you. Yeah. I'm going to make you like me so much that you fuck me,

and then I'm going to leave, and then I'm terrible. I like to out-terrible people. Oh. Does that make sense? So you want to be even more terrible than the terrible girl. Yeah. Okay. So why is that?

You don't seem insecure. Maybe I'm afraid. Maybe I am insecure. And maybe I'm just like, oh, if I, you know, like, it's like if I'm afraid of murderers, but then I just become a serial killer. I become the creepiest motherfucker in the world. Then, like, people fear me. I see. So let's say I have a fear of bees.

You should become a wasp. You become the more terrible creature. A white Anglo-Saxon Protestant. That's exactly right. All of a sudden, your name is Richard. Oh my god, I'm sprouting a fucking sweater vest. Richard Cooper, nice to meet you. Hey!

Is that a squash racket or are you just happy to see me? You know my wife, Sheila. My two lovely twin daughters. Sheila and Sheila? Oh no, I made a terrible mistake shit suddenly i can't differentiate between my wife and daughters my wife the accent almost made it work my wife you know my wife eat my eat my wife take my wife sheil um so did we answer this guy's question? He's a liar.

Yeah, well, I think, so my answer is that, like, you're always going to be tempted by a 10. Just, like, go with your heart right now. And it sounds like your advice was just to fuck the, if you can fuck a 10, then fuck a 10. Yeah, I mean. Unless you think it's going to compromise something with the 9. I mean, if you can, you should. It's your right as a human being to have sex with the most attractive mean if you can you should it's your right as a human being to to have sex with the most attractive person that you can well what if she but like what if this 10 likes him and he's like oh i just want to fuck her and then like leave her it's you're dirtying you're you're

complicating your situation yeah but you can just sleep with someone without leading them on as long yeah i think as long as you're up front and honest with both of the girls and that's good yeah you say hey you are so attractive i've never been able to get someone as good looking as you to uh actually be interested in me i'm not interested in your personality there's a nine down the road who has a much better uh thing going on however I would like to... The door slams in your face. Oh, hey! What the hell? All right. You were in 10! Let me get there! Bitch! Sorry! I shouldn't have used that word, but crap! That really freaking hurt. It kills my heart.

It hurt my soul, actually. All right. Let's... Let me choose the question that I... Let me read the question that I chose let me read the question that I chose I should say Alright I might have accidentally deleted it

That's cool That's bad That's chill That's not good I wish you didn't I would like to read it Alright got it This one's funny because

Don't tell me why Well I have to explain a little bit So it's a series of three emails Let me read the first one first Give me a 90s band to call this person. It's a dude. Sugar Ray.

All right. Sugar Ray writes, Hey, guys. My friend has a friend who I'm pretty attracted to. The worst slash funniest part is that I've never met her. I've seen her on Facebook and Instagram, and I'm sure she's seen me too. The only time I'll probably ever get a chance to meet her is at one of my friend's parties or something and I don't know if or when he'll invite her.

My question is, how should I go about meeting slash talking to this smoke show? Should I start following her on Instagram and message her? Should I talk to my friend about it? I don't think I should just hope to meet her one day. I just, I've never, I've never really been in this situation and I don't know the smoothest

way to deal with it. Thanks. Todah. Great show. And then the next day, he wrote a follow-up email to us. P.S. I would totally be down to have sex with her. Then six days later, he wrote another follow-up to us. P.P.S. I think I need to have sex with her. So, more and more desperate and horned. P.P.S. I actually ended up masturbating to her, and now more than ever, I need to know what it feels like to have sex with her. Follow-up the fourth, I can't stop thinking that i swan slash need to bone this trone please part five i am growing desperate i turns out i need to have sex with anything or anyone all my friends friends are pretty attractive do advise i'm begging you. So despite the humor of this guy emailing us every three days with his growing desperation.

Five days. He's just like, you know what? I need to have sex with her. P.P. P.P. P.S. I no longer give a shit. So P.P.

P.P. P.P. P.P. You smell like pee pee. That was a bluff. I still want slash need it uh so how well has this ever happened to you you're you're you're you're scooping around somebody else's facebook and you're like wow my friend's friend is hot yeah i think i've done that before i would just

add her as a friend and then like message her or something really you would add a person you don't know as a friend i think so i i mean i wouldn't do that now but like when i was in high school or college which i imagine this guy is because he is so clueless yeah like follow her on instagram do whatever i mean like it's your friend's friend the stakes are so low you wouldn't uh go the friend angle the like i guess he he is saying I need to have sex with her. So maybe we should give him advice that's like legit gonna... I guess you...

Well, this is like... This is that idea that we had where you tell people how to message people and then they would pay you to do that because that's your area of expertise. This is like a free version of that right now.

I'm king at messaging. Yeah, yeah. Call me text king. I'm always texting and i actually just texted your thing what do you mean and she jumped up on my thing you texted my thing doesn't that sting no i don't know what you're talking about move motherfucker move that's something that we never say on the podcast.

You only say that in the car. I don't think you've ever said it out loud on the podcast. Yeah, yeah. Moo, fucker. Whenever I'm driving, Jake and I will often carpool together places. And whenever I drive, I yell, moo, fucker. Oftentimes when we're moving fine in traffic or like we're at a red light where the person in front of me can't move legally fucker

move fucker out of the way fucker um all right so if you need to have sex with her, then it does matter. That changes the game a little bit? Yeah. Instead of he just wants to and he needs to? Because I'm saying, like, whatever, yeah, because I think people should, you know, toss a lot of seeds into their fertile garden beds. And see what grows. Yeah, I'm an affable, funny guy.

And, like, let's talk to you, you and you and you. And, like, they may be talking to him, him and him and him. Yeah. And it's just like none of it really matters especially when we're like talking about facebook and instagram and like buying somebody a drink at a bar that's like low barrier to entry dating is easy simple harmless stupid fun okay okay now you want to have sex that's great you can do that with whoever you want is an instructional video so you've decided to have sex.

Volume two. So you've decided to have sex with a specific person. Now you're getting invested. Now you can be disappointed. It's a little dangerous. So I think what I would do is just, you want to minimize rejection. Okay. Meaning?

So messaging her and being like, hi, my name's John, or whatever his name is, Sugar Ray. Do you want to get a drink sometime? Then she says no. You're like, okay, fuck, I'm crushed. Right. So you do have to talk to the friend.

Don't be a passive weirdo and follow her on Instagram. Right. Talk to the friend. Have a party. Invite her over and go up and talk to her and just be charming,

but do not outwardly be like, I'm trying to fuck you. Just, you let her want to fuck you and then you reciprocate. Always meet her feelings, match her feelings and then maybe you'll grip a little bit and see what happens. But always be ready to just

pull, abandon, like get out so then she's not like, oh that guy was desperate. She's just like, oh I thought that that guy wanted that, but maybe he didn't even mean it. Now he's off talking to somebody else. Okay. Well, okay. Here. Well, here's my question.

Okay. You're Sugar Ray. I'm Sugar Ray. You wrote the three emails. I'm always trying to visualize things on a mathematical line. Obviously, that's a problem. That's not a good thing to do. Cheers, buddy.

Humor me. Cheers, pal. Humor me. Humor me. You are at 100, okay? I was born at 100. Enough, dude. Yeah, no, I wouldn't.

And then on the other side of this spectrum is the girl at negative 100. Okay. Those are strangers. You're 200 apart. Meeting is the girl at negative 100. Okay. Those are strangers. You're 200 apart. Meeting in the middle is boning. Okay. So you want to go, let's say, to like 90 and then see if she goes to her negative 90 or she has to go to her like negative 85 a little further to zero.

And then you move a little bit closer to zero. Or do you want to like go to like 50 and see if she goes to like 25 and then you like sort little bit closer to zero? Or do you want to go to 50 and see if she goes to 25 and then you sort of pull her closer? It depends. But I think you start going 90 to 85. And you don't need her to meet you. You just want her needle to move. Oh, so if it registers a little bit, you're like, oh.

If you go to 85 and she goes to 98, then you're like, okay, I'll chill on 85. Still at 85. 85. 85. And she's creeping up and you're like, oh, what's up? 85 again. She's like, oh, fuck yeah.

I'm at 85. And you're like 70. She's like, what was that? I'm going back to 90. And you're like, oh, 80, 80, 80. 80. That's fine. 80, 80, 80, 80.

And she's like, okay, okay, 85. And you're like 50. And she's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second. But before she knows it, she's at fucking 65 because you're at 50. And then you're like, baby, I'm going back to 90. What the fuck are you doing over there at 60, yo? You're desperate. And she's like, hey, hey, you brought me here. All right, all right, I'm at 70.

And then you're like, oh, you're at 70? Well, motherfucker, I'm at zero. What? Your pants are off. Oh, my God. You're humping whoever's near you. Holy shit. And she says, this guy's a creep, and she walks away.

That was beautiful. Thank you. See, that was a perfect combination of your sexual expertise and me, my love of numbers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we're both good at things. I'm good at counting, and you're good at having sex. Thank you for keeping the audio level on the podcast yeah i want to make sure we don't peak and then you talk about how to have

sex with people sex is good i'll tell you how to do it that's the tagline to the website that we build where you text for people sex is good i'll tell you how to do it textking.com the Casanova the Casanova King texting you know what I'm saying alright oh it's my turn

let's do one more for you okay oh I was just looking at the lyrics to that song that I thought it was, that I couldn't remember before. Uh-huh. Amy, what you want to do? I think I could stay with you for a while, maybe longer. Yeah, sure.

I don't like that. But you know that song? What? Yeah, yeah, I know it. Who sings it? Leonard Skinner? Shit, I just exited that. Oh, no.

Oh, no. You did all the bad part without any of the actual learning. That's my life, dude. All right. All right. Wait, why be a text king when you can be a text god? Wow. Think about that.

Really? Really? Fuck, you're right uh that being said text king and text god are both taken all right so if we build this set we'll have to think of a new name that's right um who is the king who is the god oh i'm the judge the jury and the executioner all right this is this comes from Weezer. Weezer. Weezer writes, Dear Jake and Amir, I am in quite the conundrum. All of my friends are very good friends with my mother. They all think that she's funny and great and fun. When she's around them, she's really nice and cool. When they're not around, however, she's a rude... She's a rude... Sorry.

When they're not around, however, she's a rude... I love this question. She's a rude bitch to me all the time. Since she's friends with all my friends, she knows a lot about me just from stories and she gives me shit about things i did in the past that i'm not proud of all the time and she uses these

stories to berate and hurt me it's a fucking fascist regime don't get me wrong though i want to have a good relationship with my mother it's just hard when with her using her position with my friends in order to hurt me yeah how can i either fix my relationship with my mom or get all my friends to hate her thanks weezer it's so funny to imagine like this mom sitting around with these kids friends they're all playing poker like this kid's just like nervously shifting in his seat while all of his friends like laugh like oh mrs w you're the funniest like all right we're gonna go and she's like bye guys she slams the door turns around and looks at her son he's like now you're fucked now you're really fucked i just learned stories get ready to see this rude bitch this is a fascist regime you're a fascist and this is a regime i've been regimed i'm stuck in a regime for this oh my god that's so funny what an amazing mother

she's a rude bitch to me all the time that's why her that's why your friends like her so much uh well my initial reaction was that like maybe your mom's not a rude bitch to you all the time, and you just are going into this with a negative attitude. Yeah, it's like one of those things where your parents go to school, and they're like, all right, I left some whatever by your— I'll give you your lunch, you left a book at home, and then everyone thinks it's fine. And then you're like, Jesus, Mom, leave me alone.

You're such a rude bitch to me. Why'd you give me lunch, you fascist? You don't have to freaking talk to me at school. You're the ugliest, weirdest mom, and everyone makes fun of me now for it. Yeah, but I don't really relate to this because I always had the best mom ever. I love my mom. Yeah. Mom, if you're listening, and I know you are because you support the fucking shit out of me.

I love you. You're the best. You are a queen, princess, god, devil-worshipping bitch. And I love it. You are a beast. What do you mean? You're a motherfucking beast. There was one thing you said that sounded like...

Devil-worshipping bitch. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Honestly, it snuck in because I was just trying to come up with as many adjectives as I could. And one time I caught my mom praying to Satan. And I love you, mommy. You're the best. You're the best.

That being said, at one point I did go into your room, see you drawing black paint on the wall. Your eyes rolled back way to the back of your head. I could see your optic nerve creeping out from under your eyelids, swearing, yelling, sweating in Latin. My mama performed an exorcism on me when I was three. It didn't give. It didn't give. You raised a little devil, didn't you, mommy? You raised a little devil, didn't you, mommy? You raised a little devil.

And now it's my purpose, my lot in life to spread that curse. I am a negative cancer on society. I'm bad to people. And you raised me and supported me and you let me exist in this world. So even though you're a brilliant beautiful amazing woman you worship the devil because the devil is me uh wow holy shit that was so real we all we often joke about things becoming real but that got we finally arrived i feel empty reelsville usa that was so can we actually give this kid advice what is there to do other than talk to his mother about

uh or keep your friends away from your mom it's not hard you just don't invite your friends over yeah go to their house yeah go to their house that way you keep your friends away from your mom the mom away from the stories and it keeps your mom from being such a real bee. Also, just try to come at this from a place of appreciation for your mom, because I bet a lot of your other friends don't have awesome parents like you that get along with them. So just

embrace it. Treat your mom like you would one of your buddies, and it's kind of cool. You might have a nice casual, fun relationship with your mom, like I have with my mom. I love you, mom! You're the best mom in the whole world. Mwah! Alright.

That's it. I love my mom. I've already kissed her goodbye. The question is over. I love her. I think it's time for a break. We need to take a little respite. Yes, yes. We have live shows coming up, but we always talk about that. I thought it would be fun to read this email that we got after the Dave Rosenberg episode aired.

Oh. Dave was such a hit, such a hero, such a cool on our show that emails to our account started flooding in and this one is probably the best one we've ever gotten. I thought it'd be fun to read it. Pray tell. It's called Dave Rosenberg's Story. So enticing. Hey guys,

I just listened to the Howdy episode with Dave Rosenberg and I thought I'd tell you a quick story about him that I think illustrates one instance of his game pretty well. Basically, after your show in Philly, my friend and I ran into Amir and Dave on the street, although both of you guys and Streeter had a cold. Dave wanted to come meet us out at a bar. After hanging at our favorite outdoor patio bar with Dave for a bit, learning more about my favorite website, College Humor, Dave and I went inside to look for some girls. Approaching girls at a bar is one of my least

favorite things to do, so I was glad Dave took the lead. And this is what he did. First off, he took off his hat, so all the chicks could admire his flow. Secondly, as we were on the side of the bar scoping the scene, he catches the eye of a girl by the bar who is doing some dancing. No words necessary, he kind of imitates her moves in a funny way, and next thing I know, the two are grinding up on each other, tongues down throat. At this point, I'm pumped Dave is getting it on, but I don't want to just stand there awkwardly while he dances with some girl. However, as I start walking away, Dave waves me back over, and we talk to this girl and her friends for a bit. As the bar starts to close ten minutes later, I get one of the girl's numbers and end my night to head home. I think Dave took the dancing girl back to his hotel, but I'm really curious how that story ended up.

Did he lick the full trail to her belly button as for me i ended up having a steady hookup for the next few months with the hottest girl i've ever been with all thanks to dave hero illuminati illuminati he did he he won the game if there is such a thing as the game. He came over, danced with a girl without speaking to her, made out with her. And just as the kid is like, oh man, I'll never be as cool as Dave. He like goes to walk away. And Dave's like, no, you know what? Tonight's about bros too.

You come back. We hang out with her friends and this guy ends up hooking up with her friends for several months to come. By the way, this guy was wearing a Seize the Cheese t-shirt. Yeah, but he was fucking jacked. He was ripped. I think that's maybe one of the first people to get a girl's number while in a Seize the Cheese shirt.

A Seize the Tease. Yes. So that's a great Dave Rosenberg story. That's amazing. Also, we can verify that he fucked that girl in his hotel and then woke up at 8.30 a.m. and got a cheese steak. Dave ate so poorly on that tour. I never saw him in

the morning without either a cheese steak or a McDonald's cheeseburger. This is always before 10 a.m. He was eating a Big Mac. He went off menu. A lot of this stuff isn't even offered yet, but he's so tall and handsome that he got it done i'm really excited to go we're going back on tour with dave yes be on april 26th 7th and 8th i think where's the 24th 5th and 6th 24th 5th and 7th because we're

taking saturday off i'm bad at this yeah but we're gonna be in seattle portland and then san francisco and we're gonna be with dave so come to the shows we're gonna for us in Seattle, Portland, and then San Francisco. And we're going to be with Dave. So come to the shows. If not for us, then for him. For real, for real. If you don't know where the shows are yet, I'm sure you'll be inundated with information all over our website as soon as we get it. But I don't know if anything has been officially announced or released or anything like that.

I don't know either. So stay tuned for that. Stay tuned for more great Dave Rosenberg stories. We should also record a podcast maybe like once or twice with Dave on on the road yeah that'd be great um where more stories will be had um do you want to read or let me read uh my last question all right it's actually oddly in the same vein as your last question interesting so it kind of worked out that way um i need a i need a i need a I need a third eye blind third eye blind rights my mom is really embarrassing on Facebook every time I post something she comments at least once and it's

either a dumb joke or her over praising me and tagging my aunts and uncles which caused them to come and leave equally embarrassing comments yesterday I posted a video of me solving a Rubik's Cube and after my mom left three paragraph long comments and later one of my school friends made fun of her so I had to take it down before she could see it and get her feelings hurt. She's sensitive about that kind of thing. How can I ask her to cool it on Facebook without hurting her feelings?

I still live with her and will until August. Thanks, guys. Sorry if this sounds like a douchey teenager that irrationally hates his mom. Which the first one did. This guy sounds like a little bit more legit. I feel like the solution, though, is to just not post on Facebook. Yeah, but that's hard to do if you want to post a video. Where's he supposed to put his video of his Rubik's Cube?

You just don't. Can you disable comments? I don't think so. You can delete comments. You could delete your mom's comments. Yeah, but that's basically going behind her back and deleting comments. Could you unfriend her?

Oh, that would also hurt her feelings. You know what you can do is blame it on your friends. Be like, mom, my friends are being such assholes. Every time you comment something amazing and cool. But then she'll hate the friends. Be like, oh, you're right. They suck time you comment something amazing and cool. But that's like, but then she'll hate, then she'll hate the friends. Like, oh, you're right. They suck.

It's just me and you. Never have them over. But isn't it better for her to hate the friends than for her to hate her own son? I feel like you just got to be upfront. Just be like, mom, I love you. I love that you comment and you're so supportive. But like, you need to just like

tone it back a little bit just a little bit leave one paragraph long comment yeah that's all you need you don't yeah they're not multiple paragraphs right this happens to a lot of people i know where like the mom just not necessarily paragraph long but like they'll like every single thing yeah comment on every single thing i don't think it's as embarrassing i think it's like it's not actually embarrassing i think if i went to somebody's profile and like there was three comments from their mom i would make fun of them right but is it actually embarrassing or are you just like having fun embarrassing you think it's embarrassing for the like the kid should be ashamed of himself i don't think the kid should be ashamed of himself but i think it's like i do find it

hilarious right yeah it's funny so nobody wants to be the butt of jokes. If I'm like, oh, your mom commented five times on your Facebook status, you'd be like, shut up. Yeah. What can you do? So I think you have to just be like, mom, one comment max. That's it. Oh, a good rule. Or just like it or message me about it.

Tough love. Yeah, you just got to be up front. It will hurt your feelings. But ultimately, you guys will have a better relationship because you will resent each other. Yeah. That's nice advice. Or like you do what I do and I just troll my mom's Facebook wall.

I comment on her wall all the time. She gets annoyed by me on Facebook. Yeah. You just write a message on her wall out of the blue being like, hey, who do you love the most, me or Micah? Who's your favorite son? And then you'll reply to that comment and be like, hey, still no mommy about this issue i'm starting to think it's micah yeah and then you'll reply to that comment and then i tag my sisters in it yeah guys can you guys believe this are you believing what you're not reading yeah um that's funny troll her troll her wall

in response see how she likes it perfect take. Take that, mom. Forget you, mother. Alright, that was a very special mom-themed episode towards the end there. Episode 69, perfect for Mother's Day. So, the end? The end. Thank you guys for listening

to this show. We are here every single Monday. Literally every single Monday. You can listen to more shows at ifirewshow.com. You can submit your own questions at ifirewshow at gmail.com. And you can also submit theme songs to that same email address.

That first one was from Sheridan Wojka, the Sheridan Wojkas.com. And this last one is from a guy named Hampus. I believe he's Swedish, and I believe he has a band too called The Ticket People. The Ticket People. So, yeah, thanks for listening, everybody. We'll see you in a week.

Well, not really see. You'll sort of just hear us in a week. Right. But still. But we'll see you. Yeah. In a week. In a week.

All right. And to start the song. I'm sitting here in this boring room It's just another rainy Monday afternoon I'm wasting my time, I got nothing to do I'm hanging around waiting for if I were you And then it finally happens And I wonder

If I were you If I were you If I were you Everybody always rhymes you with do But all that I can do Is listen to if I were you And if I ever wanna stop feeling blue I'll send my questions into if I ever wanna stop feeling blue, I'll send my questions in too if I worry.