Segments - 7: YouTube

Episode Date: June 17, 2013

In this episode we discuss being a teenager, ducks, and whether or not you should YouTube that shit. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes.

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Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through

Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a a z and not where you think and it's not biz with a z so if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one build a store an online portfolio the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that coupon code segments to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain hell yeah so again you go to squarespace.com

slash segments segments you save 10 off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial enjoy thank you squarespace you're lost and confused and it's no surprise what you need is advice from these two wise guys Cute. Very cute. It's actually, it might be too cute. Yeah, rewind it. We never played it. Hey, welcome to If I Were You, the only invited pasta. Oh, no.

Holy shit. Now we really need to rewind this. Or we just turn this into an advice pasta, like I said. The only advice pasta eaten on the internet by us. The only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir Blumenfeld. And I'm Jake Hurwitz. You know what it is?

I'm trying to find out who wrote that song while I'm speaking at the same time. I think her name was... Julie O'Brien. I knew it. I knew it. Thanks so much to Julie O'Brien for sending in that theme song. We're trying to play a new theme song in every single episode. And so far, it's worked out.

Yeah. Thanks to you guys. We get submissions at our email, which is ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com And if it's good, we'll play it at the beginning or the end of the podcast. It's the truth. So if this is your first time listening to this podcast,

turn it off. We don't need you. If you weren't here from the beginning, then you're not worth it to us. We are the most exclusive podcast on the internet. We have our fan base and we don't want any more. So if you hear your friends being like, hey, I'm just actually getting into this podcast, you'd be like, yo, no, I was into it at episode one. And they don't need your support. You haven't even heard Seize the Cheese. You haven't earned it. If you don't know Seize the Cheese by now,

you don't deserve to listen to this podcast. Jerks. We started from the bottom, and we're still there. So how it works is we get real emails from real people about their just sticky, difficult difficult conundrumical situations. Condronomical cannot be a word is it? No definitely not. I also said conundrumical. Conundrumical. Situations and we offer up advice often incorrect advice but you know at the very least we're honest with ourselves. We're trying. You're really going to fault us for trying? Oh, my God.

How are you pissed at us? Sorry. I always just get angry at the audience. And, yeah, those emails are submitted to us on our email, which is, like I said before, ifiwereyoushowatgmail.com. Please, if you are in any difficult situation, email it in. We're having an amazing time. I check that email more than my actual email because it's more entertaining.

It's true. What's in my actual email? My mom. Yeah, your parents have been trying to get in touch with you for a very long time. Yeah, I don't need it. If they can get in touch with me, they would listen to the show and write in. Do a five-week show. Oh, there it is.

My son won't return any of my – okay. So let's give this person. Anonymous. Making up a name. We'll call him... Jeez. Jerome B. No, that's too obvious. Dad Blumenfeld.

Yeah. Did I forget to mention anything? I don't think so. But there's a possibility that I'm also forgetting to mention something. Let's get into it, though. Yeah, let's hop right in. As always, we will never say your real name. We're going to make up a fake name to this real email, and we'll call this person Homer.

Homer. Homer writes, So my girlfriend of just over a year went to Israel on a church trip, and upon her return told me that she jerked off a 33-year-old married dude. Wow. She came back from Israel and was just like just straight up told him all of the facts right away it's very specific it was a very specific confession

like hey Homer look I jerked off a 33 year old married guy holy shit I know I just asked you how the hummus was and you're dropping that wow I love that he's like

I love her yeah like the first part of this email should uh you know you shouldn't right and you're dropping that? Wow, I love that he's like, I love her. Yeah. Like the first part of this email should, you know, you shouldn't, right? She went away, broke up your relationship and maybe a marriage. Should he let it slide? He doesn't want to seem weak.

You are weak. Don't let it, should I let it slide much like my girlfriend's hand up and down the shaft of a of a man with a freaking wedding ring on his hand i mean holy shit is this guy even on the trip married dude was this married dude even on this church trip oh my god what. By the way. All in the name of God, too. Yeah, there's a level of irony here that they're on a church trip. I assume this church preaches against adultery enough to convince them to go to Israel together.

And then they're just like, we like the church. But at the same time, I'm going to give this guy a handy. I like this guy more than the church. Oh, mercy. You never hear about a girl cheating on a guy with just a handjob. Yeah, just a handjob. That's so clinical. I think that, like, given the circumstances, you'll never be able to forget this.

You will never be able to, like, move on from, you know, maybe she, like, she's like, oh, I hooked up with the guy on the trip you're like you know what i don't want to know anything just like let's it was in israel you know you're young this is you went on an adventure you know it's a very religious spiritual place and uh the power of god moved you up and down his shaft she feels remorse so you know you take her back but she's like you know too's like, you know too many details. If you know that many details, you're going to be at the movies, she holds your hand, and you're like, oh no, this was used to masturbate a married guy while we were together. That's not fair.

There's a 50% chance she used the other hand. That's true. That's true. Here's a question. Would you rather your girlfriend tell you that she made out with another guy or just jerked off another guy, no kissing? What's worse? I think, well, kissing's more intimate, sort of. Yeah.

It's like an exchange of fluids. I mean, jerking somebody off is just like. But it's sexual. Right. I mean, I think it's so foul that I'd be more mad about that. It's like there's some kind of weird animalistic thing. Like some dude just like got gratification from my girlfriend. Like, no, that's not fair.

That's not allowed. That's my girlfriend's hand. Yeah, like it's your girlfriend. You like put up with, you know, like the highs and lows, like everything. You're there for her when she's sad. You're there for her when she's sad. You're there for her when she's sick. You care about her hopes and dreams. And then just some married stranger on a bus gets to come in her hand.

She gave him the highs and the lows. I don't think it's fair. My advice is to break up with her and next girl that cheats on you, find out no details at all. If you like want to – because I know people like people mess up and you want to like move on. But I think the way to do it is not by knowing every single detail. It's so funny to tell a guy that you jerked off a 33-year-old married guy. Why did you even – if this girl is listening, why did you tell him all of the details? If he's like, you know, what happened? Like you should have said it's not important.

Don't be like, I jerked off this guy. Who was he? Some married dude. I didn't say that it was on a bus because I just picture it happening on a bus. Yeah, that's so weird. I also imagined a bus, but it does not mention bus at all. That's so weird. We would love it because you, Sir Homer, you clearly got a lot of the deets.

Email us. Let us know if it was on a bus. At the very least, email us where this was. I want to just see if I'm intuitive. Like some perverted game of Clue. We want to know where this took place. It was my girlfriend on a bus with her hand. So would you say if I were you, you would break up with this girl?

Yes. Because of, you know, what if it was just squeezing not even a jerking off motion she just squeezed his balls i didn't know yeah that's not much i mean that's probably fine squeeze is fine i guess like seize the squeeze seize the squeeze i would like to to know like what made her do it and if she might do it again yeah where do you draw the line if i were you i would break up with her but since i'm not you i was the guy on the bus oh my god that's right i'm 33 people 33 happily married and i got handies on the bus what would you do i know you break us yeah i would break up with someone that

you know jerks someone else off that's just a weird thing to do in general i think like kissing is almost like oh man, I was in the moment staring at this person's eyes. We were in the holy land. He's gorgeous. But jerking somebody off is such a commitment. You have to grab

it, make it hard, and then just you know. Everybody knows that, right? For those of you guys who don't know, this is advice on how to give someone a handjob. A good handjob. It doesn't have to be good. Just has to cheat on your boyfriend. That's it.

All right. So Homer, break up with Marge. Yes. Now let's get a new question. This one, real email, real person, fake name. We're giving the name Bart. Bart. Bart writes.

Can anyone come up with a theme of the names for this episode right now? That's right. It's Matt Groening's family members. Hey, I'm a sophomore in high school, and I am leaving on a really long trip. I usually shave with an electric razor, but it's broken. My dad is never home to teach me how to shave. Should I wait for him to teach me me or should I just YouTube that shit? Oh, no.

Oh, Bart. It's so... He's protecting himself. Should I YouTube that shit? My dad's not there for me. Hey, my old man sort of neglects me should i youtube shit i don't know how to tie a tie uh my dad promised to teach me but he's always busy should i just youtube that shit my dad uh i stood in the backyard of our house for two and a half hours just tossing a baseball into my own glove should i youtube that

shit oh my god it's also funny because i can't imagine he grows a lot of facial hair no it's like this is a big issue just like hey my dad's gonna teach me to shave oh wait no he's not maybe i'll youtube that shit is the question should I YouTube this shit or wait for my dad to be there for me

should I wait for him to teach me or should I YouTube that shit just cause uh he told me he was going to the store 10 years ago

uh I haven't heard from him so I'm starting I'm debating uh whether or not to start YouTubing shit someone needs to teach me

how to be a man and uh it's either gonna be my father or YouTube whether or not to start YouTubing shit. Someone needs to teach me how to be a man, and it's either going to be my father or YouTube. Should I set my mom up on a date, you know, help her find love again, or should I just YouTube that shit? His dad is off getting a handjob in Israel on a bus right now. His dad is 33. getting a handjob in Israel on a bus right now. Is that his 33? Jesus.

What's the advice? I guess YouTube this shit. Daddy's not coming home. But more than anything, I'm sorry about your relationship with your father. Hey, I don't even know if I'll ever have a good father figure in my life. I don't even have if I'll ever have a good father figure in my life. I don't even have an older brother, so should I...

Yeah, who's going to teach me how to be a better person? Or should I YouTube that shit? I want to treat women right and sort of, you know, be the man of the house. But I don't know, my dad kind of sucks because he's never around. I'm starting to think I should just YouTube shit. All right, I found some shit on YouTube, and I think I'm ready to be the dad my dad never was to me. There should be a sad YouTube channel that's like,

Daddy's not here. Just all the things like, you know, how to hammer and nail, everything your dad's supposed to teach you. My dad never taught me that. Did you YouTube that shit? I YouTubed that shit. Thank God.

I guess another one of your options is to just buy a new electric razor, right? Nah. He's going on a long trip. I mean, I feel like there are definitely undertones in this question that we don't need to talk to him about shaving, right? Look, your dad, he's a busy guy. I'm sorry that he's not teaching you how to shave. YouTube the shit. You know what?

You're going to be your own man. YouTube sends this kid like a football in the mail on his birthday. Because his dad was never there. So what's the advice? The advice is buy a new razor, then YouTube that shit. Yeah. My advice is to always youtube that shit youtube that shit oh mercy you do you yo do you see if this is your first time listening you just don't

get those kind of jokes do you then then turn this shit off right now then don't do me a favor okay just turn it off thank you thank. Thank you. Goodbye. All right. We asked a couple weeks ago for people to submit questions not only via email, which have been coming in and been doing great, but also if you could record it, that would be even extra great because then we can hear the person's voice and it would just add another dimension to the question itself. Yeah, it's almost like we're taking a live call. That's right, which is inching us closer to our goal of having a live radio call-in show. This one comes from a teenager named Lisa. We really like this question, so we wanted to play it.

Here you go. This is Lisa. Hi, Jake and Amir. I am, well, you can call me whatever you want, but I am a teenager living in Washington, D.C., and basically my problem is that I'm pretty unsocial. I'm pretty unpopular and most of the time I just don't have interest in talking to people and I don't really have a ton of friends outside of my little group. I don't really hang out with anyone after school which I feel like is something that's part of being a teenager or something i don't know so basically i was just wondering if you guys had any

tips for like just in general just being more social and how would you recommend going about this with your experience being a teenager since i'm kind of stuck in the middle of that thank you oh my god doesn't that just break your freaking heart? Lisa, I'll be your best friend. Holy shit, you're adorable. Lisa sounds like the coolest teenager I know. Yeah, she is so mature and awesome. She does have a small group of friends, which is great.

Yeah, why don't you hang out with those girls and guys after school, you know? The thing is, you're lost right now. You don't know what to do. But just the fact that you're aware enough to say that, oh, you're unsociable, and oh, you don't know what to do but just the fact that you're aware enough to say that oh you're unsociable and oh you don't know how teenagers are supposed to act like that means that already puts you in the top one percent of cool teenagers right most teenagers right now yeah most teenagers right now would never even know how to you know do any of this stuff that you just did so you're already much cooler than a bunch of the people that you're afraid to talk to

but you shouldn't be afraid to talk to them. That's correct. Because, you know what? They won't accept you. No, no, no, no, no. Oh, right, right. You know, it's so easy to like, there's, I just remember when I was in high school, like, I would do the same exact thing. I'd come home after school, I'd be like, well, nobody wants to hang out with me.

But that's not true. So many kids in your high school right now are at home being like, I wish I was doing something after school today. Right. And you have, you know, that in common. That's like the most important thing, the desire to meet people, be friends and have fun. That's right. And, you know, it's hard to like hear that like, oh, it'll be better when you get older because, you know, you want to fix this problem now. But like the fact that you I mean, you sound like such a cool teenage lady already that maybe there's other cool teenage ladies that you haven want to hang out with and you know it doesn't take a lot of people like you can have a group of like two or three friends that you're really close with and that's that sort of will get you yeah that's all you need you only need one

shoot yeah forget two two is like you have too many then you have to decide who do i hang out with then next week you're going to be emailing us and being like hey i have too many friends how do i drop this loser and then we'll be like oh wait lisa's kind of mean why did we give her advice but if we can help at all like i don't know if me and jake are at all uh known around your school or anything like that but like if you need like a video from us or like a picture from us telling you anything we We'll say we're your cousins, you know, just be like, oh, I know these guys. They're my cousins. Yeah, we wouldn't even say cousins.

We'll say like your best friends because cousins are like, you know, you're like forced to be your cousin. We're going to be like, Lisa, yeah, that's our girl. She's the coolest girl that I know. You should hang out with her too. And you know what? We won't even be lying. That's right.

Because as of right now, you are the coolest teenager we know. So how does that sound, Lisa? So email us again. And if you have any favors we could possibly do, we will totally help you out. Thanks for, because you know what? You wrote the first, or you recorded the first audio question for a pretty cool podcast. Yeah. Now let's build us up. Yeah. Lisa lisa you're cool and all but we're the best and i mean how cool is it that me and amir are giving you validation right now because i mean you're pretty neat but obviously where are the shit you're lucky we don't go to your high school because then you wouldn't be the coolest team there so in summation lisa we love you and

we can help you out just uh even more if you want to email us we'll do literally whatever you want we'll come to your high school we're your biggest fans yeah exactly we'll come to your high school and give you a piggyback ride to every single class we get arrested for even saying that there's a knock at the door right now holy shit are you kidding me we were doing something oh three strike rule you've you've offered too many piggybacks to teenagers uh mr bloomin phone captain i don't even know how to throw this guy in jail will you want to tell me or should i youtube that shit uh all right let's uh move on to the next question this one is from millhouse oh hey i'm here and jake by the way just a quick reminder the email again is if i were you show at gmail.com this is

in the body of his email actually yeah he's really helpful all right so millhouse writes i was asked to be a groomsman for a guy I wouldn't even consider being close friends with. Him and I have probably interacted enough to be considered acquaintances, so believe me when I say I was caught off guard. I'm honored, but I don't feel like I'd be his best choice. I've been a groomsman before for my best friend and was ready to take on the role, but I don't feel the same way with this guy. What's the best way to turn him down? Oh my God, that's so sad. There's nothing sadder than

asking a guy you don't really know to be your groomsman. Yeah, like you just Oh my God. You want to like, let's come over and let's get a beer sometime, you know, whatever. And like if you want to be do you want to stand beside me at my wedding? Oh, wait, sorry. I wouldn't even get a beer with you. What did you say? I was going to say no to the beer.

Now you're, yeah, I guess I'll come to your wedding. That's weird that you're even inviting me. Well, not come to the wedding. It's be in the wedding party. I want you there when I commit to my soulmate for eternity. Yeah. Jesus. It's actually really important to me.

Me? Okay. By the way, what's your last name because uh i'm just a very good acquaintance of yours it's so weird like this poor the poor groom just doesn't have any any real friends at all well he's getting married so he's got one yeah imagine he's like talking to his wife and he's like hey uh she's like all right i have like i have like a lot of really good friends i have like five to six bridesmaids do you think oh no problem yeah no i'm like really popular so i got shoot well like say who's like who's gonna be your like best man okay well yeah um my brother yeah okay and then like who's gonna be like the groomsman okay um well i Okay. Well, I know this guy from work. Roger?

No, his name is Milhouse. So I might ask him. Wait, what do you mean you know him from work? Like your boys, like your best friends? Like he's like I just I've seen him a couple times at work and I think he's chill. Okay. Yeah. So that's two right off the bat. And I'll like rack my brain.

I'm going to storm some brain and come up with a few more, and if you want to drop one of your bridesmaids, that would actually be dope. Yeah, because then at that point I can pick one up and call her one of my groomsmen because honestly I think Milhouse is going to give me the big N-O. I think you can say no to something like this. But also, what does a groomsman have to do at a wedding? It's the best man that plans stuff and gives a speech and all that. Yeah, but it's just weird to be part of it.

Like standing up, being part of a wedding. Your acquaintance's wife's parents are shaking your hand. It's like, how am I involved in this? This is some sort of bad dream, I think. You're standing up there. You walk down the aisle with one of the bride's cousins or sisters or friends. That's pretty insane. It's pretty intense.

Should I, like, make new best friends? You're at table one. You don't know that guy. You're at table one. You barely know that guy, and everybody else you know even less. Because, like, if he's your acquaintance, you definitely haven't met his family. Oh, no. Man, you could – well, I mean say you can't go to the wedding or you're trying to go to the wedding.

No, he said what's the best way to turn him down. Like entirely. He doesn't even want to go to the wedding? Yeah. Say you're busy. Oh, that's good. But what if it's like – the wedding is like August 23rd, 2014. What do you have then, dude?

What? I thought you said August 22nd. I'm in. How do you know my schedule? We're casual acquaintances. Lay off me. I said no. Yeah.

Jeez. I don't know. It's weird because like being honest and being like, you know, I just don't know you that well. I feel kind of weird. I think it's weird you asked me. Then you're not acquaintances anymore. Then you're just you're you won't be friends but that's fine probably too right yeah this guy clearly doesn't give a crap about his close acquaintance i'm trying to think of like an acquaintance of mine if they were like will you i would probably if i were you i'd probably

think it was so funny that i would do it right who do you think the equivalent for you would be an acquaintance an acquaintance that you'd be like, what? You want me to be in your wedding party? Well, I feel kind of bad naming somebody aloud right now that I consider an acquaintance. And they're just listening like, what the fuck? They're close enough that they're listening to this podcast. Yeah, I think probably like, geez, my buddy's roommate, Hank. Hank's just listening.

Sorry, we hang out a lot. I would call you a friend. Really? In fact, I'd call you my best friend and my best man. Will you marry me? I don't know how to get gay married, but perhaps we can YouTube that shit together for all of eternity. YouTube that shit. YouTube that shit is the new seize the cheese.

Yeah, so I guess the best way to say, oh, here's a good one. A lot of weddings fall on the same days because there's only so many Saturdays in the summer during the year. So easily you could say, my cousin, my brother, my uncle, my closer friend. I actually have a closer friend than you if you can imagine that sir and we're and he's getting married so you know i guess unfortunately i won't be able to attend yours yeah i bet he i wonder if he's that her i feel like if he's getting two acquaintances maybe he's just like already asked a lot of people they've all seen he's gotten 10 no's

it's between uh you being a groomsman and I guess me killing myself because I have no friends. Jeez, that's a lot of pressure. I'm just trying to get married so I can get a handjob on a bus in Israel. I heard that's how you get chicks. Why is a married guy accepting just like a handjob? If you're 33, isn't a handjob just like getting... I'm going backwards like i'm so i have not thought about anything else aside from from a married penis being stroked by what i can only imagine is a teenager why because she's like going to israel

on some church trip and the kid is like do i break up with the girl i feel like if he was any older you know no obviously you do but that happens like when you're younger like when shit happens in your relationship you're like do i i don't know this is like my fucking first relationship does this mean we break up right like when i was in high school it's like oh we fought that means uh i think that means we're gonna break up now is that a breakup thing i don't know how it works kiss somebody that is that breakup worthy yeah you don't know how it works. I should kiss somebody. Is that breakup worthy? Yeah. You don't know.

And then you kind of decide what your threshold is as you get older. I draw the line right before J-O on a bus. Right. Well, he's got to come, but yeah. Yeah. I'm with you. So yeah, a lot of this. A lot of the grooms.

A lot of the grooms get out of the wedding. That's what I would do. That's it. I feel bad for this groom, though. Asking a goddamn acquaintance. It's funny how we're going back with Lisa, right? Yeah. Lisa, we were like, yeah, we're going to get you friends.

You're the best. You're so cool. And this groom is like, I need friends to be my groomsmen. And we're like, yo, lie to him. Get out of that shit. He's a loser. Who are we? We're nothing. We just decide who's good and bad.

But when you're a teenager, it's okay to be lost, confused, alone, not knowing quite how the world works yet. That's completely normal and comfortable. By the time you're married, you're past that age. You should have friends by now. And if you don't, don't ask acquaintance.

Don't put people under that pressure. Jeez, just a lope. You selfish ass. That's funny. He's trying to get his wife to a lope. He's trying to, like, veil it. Let's make it really romantic. Let's just get away, just us. Oh, yeah, but all my friends and all your friends.

I know, our friends, right? All of our friends. But wouldn't it be romantic to just freaking get away? In fact, do me, let's make this weird sexy pact where we just don't have any friends ever again. Let's just get married. I don't need a wedding. I just need

fucking the courthouse and you. Shit. Won't Milhouse be offended? I mean, he's your best friend, isn't he? He'll understand. I really think he will. I bet in his weird twisted brain he thinks we've probably only interacted enough to be considered acquaintances or some shit. That's how well I know Milhouse.

Milhouse is dumb like that. I bet it caught him off guard. I actually hate Milhouse. Forget him. He's never going to be a cruiseman. Let's elope. Oh, mercy. Poor guy.

Yeah. Seriously, though, Lisa, email us. We want to help. All right. Let's get to, let's try to squeeze in one last question.

This one's a funny question. May not have a lot of funny advice, but I just wanted to read it. Title, hashtag mallard problems. So you know it's good right off the bat. We'll call this guy Gil. Dear Amir and Jake, I was hanging out with my friend in the park. We were playing Frisbee and generally having a good time. Suddenly, a small brace of ducks walked out of the woods and into the clearing

we were in. My friend took off in a sprint after the poor birds and chased them until he had narrowed down one. After about 20 minutes of chasing the duck, it was too tired to run anymore. It eventually collapsed onto the ground, and upon further investigation, he had died. I don't know if he had a heart attack or something, but it was dead. We left the lifeless Mallard in the field and went home right away. It's been a few days, and he keeps bringing up the duck. Kids in school now think we're both duck killers, but I don't even like to think about it. If it goes on like this, I don't know what I'll do. What should I do to feel better about this situation without looking like a quack?

This is amazing. I just love that. I think he said mallards, ducks, birds. So much duck language. A brace of ducks. A brace of ducks. I meant to look that up to see if that's even the correct nomenclature. Like a murder of crows, pride of lions.

A brace of ducks, I guess. It's actually more clear to me now than ever that the person who wrote this is a duck. Or a dog. I chased a duck until it died. I love a dog feeling guilty about it. I'm a proud golden retriever, and I accidentally exhausted a duck to death. I'm the dog from Duck Hunt, and I accidentally...

Shit. death i'm the dog from duck hunt and i accidentally um shit i guess like i mean part of me wants to scold you for killing a duck and the other one i the other part of me i guess wants to tell you you know it sounds like it wasn't a totally healthy duck maybe it was near death anyway yeah i feel like this is how vegans hunt like they're not they're not allowed to kill an animal this duck died of somewhat natural causes. I can eat it now. That's what imitation duck is at vegan restaurants. It's just a duck that was killed by chasing it to a heart attack. Because the duck really enjoyed the chase. It died happy.

That's the most expensive duck on a really fancy menu. A mallard. So we have a small brace of duck that was murdered by, you know, exhausting it to death. And that's served over field greens. Yeah, the adrenaline is still coursing through its veins. It makes it very tender. That's going to be like chugging a five-hour energy, actually. We also had a cow that killed itself when we showed him photos of other cows being eaten by humans.

So that's $500 a plate. A cow that died by its own hand. Just really expensive meat that was killed. This is not natural causes because you brought it onto the cow. You did. You tricked it into doing that. What do I do to feel better about the situation? I guess you can say that, hey, millions of ducks are killed every year for food,

and those were done on purpose. Who are these people picking on me? Ask every single one of them if they're a vegetarian. If they have ever eaten meat, then what they're doing is worse than what you did. There you go. That's a good way to start. They didn't stare the duck in the eyes as it died. That's lifeless beak.

The lifeless mallard. It's like a really boring episode of Looney Tunes where Bugs just chases Daffy until it dies of a heart attack. My heart exploded. Suffering succotash. chases Daffy until it dies of a heart attack. My heart exploded. Suffering Succotash. Is that Daffy? I think so. Suffering Succotash, that's Daffy, right?

Ooh. Email us in. Let us know. Suffering Succotash. That's Daffy. I didn't realize that. Actually, the duck on the menu is served with suffering succotash, so it ends up working out.

Wow. Great emails. Great questions. Keep them coming, guys. Amazing answers. More than anything else, we're the best, and you guys are the worst. It's going to turn into something like Weird Cult. All right, signing off.

This is God. Worship us. Kanye West hosting a podcast. Hashtag Yeezus. We are out of time. Thank you so much, everyone, for listening. Every week, our episode gets more listens than the one before it, which means you guys are doing an awesome job of enjoying the show

and also telling your friends to enjoy it. And we appreciate it so, so, so much. Without you guys, there wouldn't even be a show honestly if only 10 000 people listen to every episode i would have quit long long without you guys there wouldn't be a show but also without us there wouldn't be a show yes more specifically without 50 50 don't get a big head about it 50 50 between me and jake right and then so that's 98 percent of the pie there's no show obviously yeah. Anybody can listen to a podcast, but it takes like two heroes to come out of the word works and buy a microphone to record one. Yeah, I wouldn't say heroes.

I'd say gods. Yeah, because heroes are mortal, and we are, I don't know, not immortal. What's beyond that? Because immortal implies that you're a thing. What's going to live forever and also have always lived forever? Thank you. Thank you for listening, and thank you always lived forever. Thank you. Thank you for listening. And thank you for emailing in.

And we're going to end the show with another theme song that was submitted. And this one comes from da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da is how I start. Da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da. You guys have ever heard the extended version of that song?

It's nine hours of horn. Nine hours of horn and then like 30 seconds of you crying right before you give up. I'll never find this email. You know what? Found it. I was really about to go off on a very very mean tangent so I'm happy you interrupted I am gonna still go on it

so just give me two seconds Jesus this one is from the Super Marcado Brothers thanks for listening everyone if I were you if there's a problem that you can't solve Jake and Amir

will gladly resolve. You do you and I'll do me. What do you expect? The show's for free. Seize the cheese.