Segments - 70: One Word Texts

Episode Date: March 31, 2014

In this episode we discuss text messages, breaking up, and great ideas. This episode is brought to you by OurTunez.com -- The best way to discover new music, and get paid for uploading your own! Check out www.ourtunez.com/ifiwereyou and use promo code "Jake" or "Amir" for FREE six month premium membership. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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can learn and discover new music. That's a pretty cool website. I like it. So thanks to Our Tunes for building that little contest for us. And you guys can thank them yourselves by going to Our Tunes. That's OurTunesWithAZ.com slash IfIWereYou and use our promo code to sign up. Now, as for this episode, Yeah. Pray tell. What can we say?

What's left to say? There is nothing left. Obviously, things got real. To that we say amen. To that we say to-da, to-da, to- got real. To that we say amen. To that we say to-da, to-da, to-da. And to that we say, just keep living. Please enjoy. If I were you

I'll show you what to do But if you were me, you would be free. What? If you were me, you would be free.

That's beautiful, but also a little self-aggrandizing. If I were you, I'd show you what to do, and if you were me, you'd be free? Yeah. That guy has a high opinion of himself, and I guess who wouldn't because he can play the guitar like an angel. That guy's name is Simon. Simon. And he's from Denmark. Oh, all right.

Yeah. He is free. I just wanted he's from Denmark. Oh, all right. Yeah. He is free. I just wanted to really quickly ask for more theme song submissions. We're running low. So if you can write your own theme song, we start every episode with a new theme song. If you can write one as well as Simon can, please, please, please. Dig and re-blog. Dig and re-blog, re-tweet, favorite.

We need it all. Also, send it to us as an mp3 at ifireyoushow at gmail.com. If you can play music that well, would you like, is, how am I trying to say this? Could you use it to get girls?

Yeah. But if you don't do a concert, what would you do? Like, invite girls over and play music for them or is that cheesy well it kind of depends like i i will this was me i would like when i was in high school and college i couldn't even play the guitar that good but it was like even doing it at all worked all right but let's say let's say now would you do that would you pull that out or is that considered cheesy? In a different way, I would laugh at myself and be like,

look, I know all the chords to Crash. And so I'd play it as a joke, but it's still a little impressive that I can play Crash. And if you had a great voice, it'd be like, oh, wow, you're actually pretty good. Well, I don't have a great voice, so that's tough. So I can only sell things as a joke. But I think if you sell something as a joke and then you also have a great voice, then that's pretty good. Right. So you have to start it things as a joke. But I think if you sell something as a joke and then you also have a great voice, then that's pretty good.

Right. So you have to start it off as a joke. Right. It's always got to be a joke. If you really earnestly pick up the guitar and you're like, I'm just going to play this little ditty for you. Everybody is like, no, don't do that. But everybody wants to laugh and then be impressed. Laughing is like the gateway. Yeah. Like, oh, look, I know look i know this green day song oh man i was such an angsty teen um here's

one i made up well that's the problem with most talents it seems douchey to whip them out right you almost i think if you're not a musician you have to like you have to be basically begged to play the guitar yeah maybe that's like the game is like uh if you're with other people they have to be basically begged to play the guitar. Yeah, maybe that's the game. If you're with other people, they have to, quote unquote, beg you to do it in front of people that you're trying to oppress. Yeah, yeah, I think that's the thing. So you get your friends to beg you to be talented in front of the people you're trying to oppress. That's it. That's the move. That's the ticket. That's the trick.

That's a little bit of unsolicited advice before we actually start the show. This podcast is called If I Were You. It's the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. That's a thing that I'm sort of learning how to do and I can never do it. I will never do that. The fast-forward rap gap?

Yeah. You can do that. I can do it, but I wouldn't do it. Some-a-lum-a, dumb-a-lum-a. I wouldn't do it at a party to impress people. Oh, I see. I can't do that. The Fast Partner Rap Gap? Yeah. You can do that. I can do it, but I wouldn't do it. Summa Luma, Dumbma Luma. I wouldn't do it at a party to impress people. Oh, I see. I can't do it to like... But that's something I would beg you to do at a party to impress people.

But even then I would feel bad to do it. I think even if you nailed it, it wouldn't necessarily be impressive. Right. I hate to say that. Because it's not something that I wrote. Yeah. You know, it would have to be at a party, someone's playing it, everyone's really drunk, and I'm rapping along with it.

Yeah, yeah. And then it would be like, wow, that was humorously good, I guess. That's true. So how does this podcast work? It's a nice podcast. Basically, the way it works is we get it on the news. It's a surprise podcast. Basically, the way it works is we get emails from people, real people, who are in real difficult places in their lives, and they look to us for guidance.

That email address, if you find yourself in a sticky situation, once again, same email address for the theme song is if I were you show at gmail.com so uh i don't know should we get started without further a poo let's get started thank you come again no no a poo oh a boo yeah a booze from aladdin all right either way um all right so let's give these real emails from real people, fake names to preserve their anonymity. We will never disclose your real name. That's right. But we do want your emails. So, what theme? What should we call this person? Oh, this is, we had a theme, the theme this week is places our friend Mike Carnell is traveling to. Oh yeah, he's doing a web

series called Don't Kill Eli where people basically vote on where to send this guy Eli and Carnell shoots and edits all the footage and turns them into cool episodes. They've been to three places so far, so check out Don't Kill Eli on YouTube.com.

We'll tell you where they've been by naming the cities all right mikey k going to beirut beirut right what up you diva roaches here's a sticky wicked i found myself in recently i've started seeing this girl i don't think i need to tell you guys but i will reassure you she is a goddamn smoke show. Here's the catch. After multiple dates, lots of smooches, and lots of adult sleepovers, she drops the bomb on me that she's still in a relationship with her long-distance boyfriend.

She's not moving to where he lives. He's not moving to where we live. But she still wants to make it work. There have since been adult sleepovers and dates, but the smooches have started to crawl to a stop. Guys, what should I do? Wait it out? I feel like waiting it out. Signed, Beirut.

The dude started to advise himself at the end. Of course you feel like waiting it out, because in your mind it's going to happen. Right. I feel like waiting it out because in your mind it's gonna happen right i feel like waiting it out before let me let me let me temper your advice with uh what i this is what i want to hear yeah please give me that here this is another way to rephrase your question beirut just so you you understand how stupid it is oof hey guys i'm seeing this girl she has a boyfriend and won't kiss me should i wait it out i me. Should I wait it out?

I feel like I should wait it out. He said these smooches slowed to a halt. Yeah. There were smooches? There were smooches. There were smooches and adult sleepovers, which I thought were more extreme smoochery. But now there's just the adult sleepovers and no smoochery. So yeah, I thought adult sleepovers was fucking.

Yeah. I guess this is not quite an adult. Adult sleepovers is fucking and smooches are just sort of like pda oh and he's like well now the pda is stopped but we still we're still fucking so we're we're not kissing but we're fucking i don't know which in which way like honestly the what i want to do is advise the girl to stop what she's doing yeah yeah. Yeah, well, she's totally wrong. She's basically cheating on this guy. Right. That's an objective case.

I'm worried about advising this guy. All right, fine. I would say to Beirut to just remove yourself from the situation. Yeah, you don't want to be part of this love Bermuda Triangle. Yeah. You think he's actually boning this girl without kissing her? Have you ever boned someone without never kissing them? Yeah.

But like you've boned them before? Or for the first and only time you've boned and never kissed? I'm sure I've done that. You sure you went to boning without kissing? Boned or zero to bone with no kissing. You went around the bases without touching any of them? I'm sure that happened at least once. That's tight, dude.

Yeah. That's really fat. Yeah, that's just kind of how I chill, you know what I'm saying? I actually, now that I think of it, motherfucker, I ain't never kissed a girl. What are you talking about? Yeah, dude. Zero to boning every single time. And yo, doubling back, I ain't never had sex neither.

So, yeah. So, what have you? So, seventh grade, eighth grade, I once't never had sex me either. So what have you? So seventh grade, eighth grade, I once touched a nipple. Ninth grade, I did over the pants, sort of like rubbing a little area. After that, it was a dry spell from 16 on. So don't call it a spell. You're currently in the spell. Don't call it a dry spell.

A spell sort of connotes a short amount of time, right? Yeah, in the spell. Don't call it a dry spell! A spell sort of connotes a short amount of time, right? Yeah, for a spell. At least a finite... Well, this spell sort of connotes a curse. Wow, it's either a dry spell or a dry curse. It's a dry season like the Dust Bowl,

and I am a migrant farm worker who can't find any poon! It is a dry life, not a dry spell. Where were we? Advising Beirut. Yeah. Mr. Root. First of all, you don't want to be the other guy.

Second of all, she's not even giving you kissings anymore at this point. So what if she's just holding you emotionally hostage while she doesn't cheat on her boyfriend anymore? Waiting it out really literally means nothing in this situation. Should I wait it out? Like you're not doing anything. Even if you're home eating macaroni and cheese, that's technically waiting it out because it's not like she's hooking up with you. At least sleep in your own bed. I feel like the only way to get over her is by finding somebody else, which you should actively be searching for.

Once you find someone else that doesn't have a boyfriend, you're going to be like, holy shit. This is way better. This is so much better. And also the only way to like, you can't give this girl exactly what she wants right now. She has like a boyfriend that she feels like a loving relationship with. Even though they will never be in the same city together. Right, but she gets to be like, oh, I'm connected to this person.

We're in love. Yeah. But then she's, like, missing some sort of physical contact, which you're giving her. Like, you can't do that. She doesn't get to do that. Oh. She doesn't get to have, like. So she's using him.

She's like. Yeah, she wants to, like, sleep next to someone. Oh, shit. That's not okay. So she's just using him for the physical affection, using her boyfriend for the emotional affection. Why on earth would you like a vixen temptress whore like this? Beirut? Beirut, you've fallen for a whore by accident.

Oh, no. Oh, no, Beirut. She set a trap for you and you walked right into it. Sorry, buddy. You fell down a whore. You can escape the trap. It's time to bounce. Peace out. See you later. Forget that shit. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Peace. You fell down a whore. You can escape the trap. It's time to bounce. Peace out.

See you later. Forget that shit. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Peace. You know what I'm saying? Very cool. Thanks, man. Anything else left to say about that one?

I don't think so. I think we both agree that there's no way to get out as much as he wants to. He's got a piece. It's funny that when you're in it, though, you have no freaking clue, right? Yeah, you never do. You don got a piece. It's funny that when you're in it, though, you have no frickin' clue, right? Yeah, you never do. You don't get it. I totally feel that. That's why the show's called If I Were You,

and we get to advise people as if we were in this situation, except without being emotionally involved. Yeah, we're cheating. That's why our advice is good. Yeah, because we've distanced ourselves. That and because we're smart. Yeah. I'm intelligent.

And I am one, too, because otherwise, why would you hang out with me? Why would you hang out with me? Your sense of value is tied to whether or not I like you. Oh, no. Oh, shit. Two anchors floating in the middle of the ocean not tied to anything. Sinking fast.

All right. Next question. Next city. Where was the next place that Mikey went went lebanon uh yes i believe so well you guys should watch the show to find out wait a minute beirut's in lebanon oh shit you idiot it was lebanon then then then then then pal Palestine? Oh, Egypt. Egypt. No, he didn't go to Egypt.

Oh, he went to Jordan. Jordan! He went to... Oh, which is actually a person's name. Perfect. All right. That was... I'm glad we got there.

And I'm glad Mike got there, safe and sound. Yeah. Love you, Mikey K. Jordan, Jordan, Jordan writes. It's a dude. Sup, my nerds, I've been dating this girl in college for almost a year now.

We are like best friends and the girl is a smoke show. A lot of our fans just exclusively hook up and date smoke shows. Well, I think that's great. I like that these girls are smoke shows because I would hate if we cultivated an atmosphere where people are writing in and be like,

and like you said, this girl's a zero out of ten. All right. So I've been dating this girl in college for almost a year now. We are like best friends and the girl is a smoke show. However, we don't agree on anything. We fight constantly. She is an extremely negative person and it seems as though the sex life has gone drastically downhill. I was planning on breaking up with her once we got out of school for the summer

to see if things got better. The problem is we share a lot of mutual friends who all happen to be girls, so I am afraid that I will lose all of them to her. Also, her dad is helping me get a marketing internship for this summer. I don't feel right about working for him and breaking up with his daughter, Jordan. Ooh, sticky. Sticky sitch, for sure. Sticky, difficult sitch, for sure.

The rare pass for Jordan. Really? Yeah. Yeah, the old gong yeah we don't show we don't envy you a gong show uh well this happens a lot you you get you're able to get someone who's super attractive and you are just loving life uh until the physical attraction starts to slip away because you get used to seeing this smoke show. She gets used to fucking you and then you guys stop being physically into each other and now all that's left is this personality that you don't get along with that you find negative.

You don't agree on anything and you fight constantly. Yeah. So you've decided to break up. Why don't you reread your email and realize that you didn't say one positive thing about your girlfriend except that she was hot. And that her dad gave you a marketing internship. Not a job.

All right, so if that makes you feel shitty, then you should get out of the situation. Right. You know, like mutual friends, you can't stay with someone because you like their friends. You like your friends. Just be yourself. Do what you want to do.

Trust that the universe will still give you friends, especially these people are going to respect that you did the hard thing. You were like, hey, you know what? I'm not invested in this relationship anymore. I'm going to peace out. Tell your dad thanks, but no thanks. I don't want to go into marketing anymore. That's fine. You might have to take a knee on the internship, which as it turns out is free, unpaid, three months of labor.

So that might be a bullet you dodge too. You can get another internship. Also, breaking up with her for the summer is fine because the mutual friends aren't going to come into play that much. You're going to be away from them anyway. You'll be back home if you're leaving college. Suddenly it's more clear to us now than ever. You should and will break up with this girl

as soon as possible. Yeah, don't drag it out. Just do it now. Once you decide to break up with someone, that's the hardest part of the relationship. And that's like the dead zone. And that can last very, very long. Like once you've already made the decision

but can't bring yourself to do it yeah like that's the that's the part where it's just bad where it's like what's wrong oh nothing i'm gonna get better i just feel weird it's just yeah just get out as soon as you make that decision and then well there's like making the decision mentally and then actually deciding to do it and then you're like oh shit when should i do it okay i'm not going to do it this week because it's bad timing this week so i'll do it next week like how long have you been feeling like this like oh my god and then they'll start crying you're like i'll tell you anything you want to hear if you'll stop crying i love you let's give it another shot let's do it i'm gonna marry you you're the best i fucked up i want the marketing internship i'm gonna be a marketing

strategist i swear to fucking god mr mr jordan i am your son-in-law oh that's why he has the same last name yeah jordan jordan oh so his name is jordan and he's dating a girl oh he's dating a girl his last name is jordan yes yeah so he So he wants to make her. No, no, no, no. He's going to take her last name and change his name to Jordan. I use Jordan because that's the only name we've been using. I'd appreciate not to be put on blast because I remember the fucking name that was used. This is insane. This is crazy. You're crazy.

All right. Another case of a smoke show to be broke-showed. That's true. It's too bad. Hey, that being said, there's two more smoke shows in the universe. Well, one still has a boyfriend that lives far away. The other one's kind of too heartbroken to do anything right now. But there are two douchebags that are on the market again.

This guy? Beirut and Jordan. Well, this guy's not really a douchebag. I don't think Beirut was either. I'm just chilling. I'm just like, dude, I'm fucking around. It's a podcast. I can make a joke, right?

I know. I can make a joke, can't I? Yeah, you've been making jokes this whole episode. Let's go on to the next question. Why are you mad? I'm not mad. I'm laughing. I know.

You're laughing in a mad way. I'm not laughing in a mad way. I think it's funny how annoying you are. What? I think it's funny how you don't get me. It doesn't sound like you think it's funny. It sounds like you're laughing, but you're pissed. It's funny.

I think it's comical that after eight years, you still don't know what I'm getting. Holy shit. It's like you don't have a good sense of humor. No, no, you piece of shit. Laughing anger. sense of humor no no you piece of shit laughing anger oh my god i'm not mad i'm just like in disbelief weird like you're protecting yourself against an argument clearly i'm not mad because i'm making this noise i like how you don't trust me do you like it i think you might hate it you say you like it but it sounds sarcastic when you say it um man we are just fucking blowing through this shit um oh all right should we get to the third question yeah sure

uh all right this one's good. Oh, we need another place. Come to think of it, you couldn't think of a second place. No, I know he was going to Tunisia. Okay. Oh, that's a good name. Tunisia. Tunisia.

I believe he was going to Tunisia. Tunisia. We're hoping. There's like voting for so many different places at the end. I just don't really. Yeah, you can't remember which one he actually did. Mikey, I love you. I'm watching the show. All these places are mishmashed in my brain i can't keep track of them just worried sick about you that's all uh all right tunisia writes hey guys

i have a very unspecific and comprehensive question for you specificallyhmm. How do you respond to one-word texts? Conversations that end in sweet or nice or worse yet, smiley face. I never quite know how to keep the ball rolling from such a point and feel stupid when I like the person and wish to continue the conversation but don't quite know how.

Any advice would be appreciated. Love, Tunisia. Tunisia. Tunisia. so this is another question about your texting prowess until we until we build that website where you can offer uh your advice to anybody who is willing to pay a small a small fee for it small we're gonna try exorbitant try a hundred dollars a text try exorbitant buddy you pay for expertise yeah when you go to the doctor you don't give him five bucks. But guess what, dude?

I'll do the tax for free if I get to fuck the check. Suddenly, I'm a prostitute. Yeah. And so are they. I'm exchanging goods and services. And so are you, because you're the one that programmed the website. Oh, no. How did I program it?

I don't know. I don't know anything. Take a walk, man. What? I gotta answer this question. You don't need to be here. I'd like to at least hear what you have to say. You don't need to be here for this. This is like a girl-related question. I wanna know the answer, man. What? I got to answer this question. You don't need to be here. I'd like to at least hear what you have to say. You don't need to be here for this.

I want to know the answer, dude. I want to know the answer. All right. All right, buddy. You wrote this question. Yeah. I'm Tunisia. Tunisia.

Tunisia. So how do you respond to one word text? How do you keep the conversation going when someone says sweet, period, or nice, period? You know what? I genuinely, this is the first attaboy that i'm going to give you on the show me yeah okay first attaboy wow i do feel i do feel it's i think you've been on your game since around the summer is that end of the summer yeah end of the summer um and i think you know i saw i got you on tinder yeah we got you we got you out at some bars we got you meeting girls we got you on Tinder we got you out at some bars

we got you meeting girls, we got you texting and I think I will submit that you are you're nearing my level wow, you really think so I'll show you a text from time to time when I've got to send a text won't I run some by you sometimes

no, but I'd love for that to happen i do think that you are you are close to my caliber if i do say so myself if i do say so myself if i do say so myself yeah um like mike so are you asking me what i would do yes all right well okay here's just so you know there is a right and wrong answer. Okay. Okay. Here we go. And just so you know further.

Yes. I will be grading you. Yeah, this will be graded. This will count towards the final grade. This is if I can work for your website right here. Yes. Well, this is what I would do if I were you When I hear Or when I read

Sweet period or nice period I don't keep the conversation going I take that as a hint That the girl wants to be left alone And I always think it's better to not send the last text The end Thoughts Amir Blumenfeldhal congratulations you are correct

congratulations yes you are correct I fucking knew it you gotta put him on ice man you gotta ice him a little bit from time to time you know what I'm saying you gotta keep that conversation calm

you gotta be cool baby that is true if she's gonna send you an emoji if she's gonna say You got to keep that conversation calm. You got to be cool, baby. All right, so that is true. If she's going to send you an emoji, if she's going to say nice period or sweet period, you know, cut it. You're out. She sent the last thing. You're done. She's like, why didn't he respond?

He usually responds, and then she'll send something maybe a little later. That's a great feeling is the ice and then you fucking wait. You wait and wait and wait. And when you get that second text back, that second bullet, that means you've won. You've defeated her in this game of text chicken almost. Who can ice the other person out for longest? That's true. And you know what? Sometimes you lose and you don't get another text ever again.

And it's not because of lack of time. If they're never coming in again, I would send another. I don't know. You can fire that second bullet. If the last thing she said was nice, then you wait a little bit, like a day or two, until you have something else to say. I'll wait forever. I'm going on seven months with one girl. I said, hey, how are you? And she said, good, period. And I'm fucking I'm going on seven months with one girl I said hey how are you and she said good period and I'm fucking icing her out she said you with no question mark so I didn't know if it was a

fucking like how are you thing or like I'm good you like hey you I'm good so I just like fucking iced her now and then she sent me three question marks and I was like what you already said everything you needed to say so I iced her out then she called me yeah i was like nah this is 21st century baby i text she left me a voicemail but i didn't even check it i did check and she's like sorry uh you were very desperate in person but you're not responding to anything i'm saying right now three months later she sent me a picture text of her with her new boyfriend. And she's like, this is a guy who actually knows what he's talking about. Wow. Did not respond to that either.

Love that. The triple ice. That's the triple ice. You're engaged, dude. You're the best man. How's that? How's that for fair? I'm going to go to the wedding.

And I'm not going to say a goddamn word. You're not allowed to. Except for the best man speech. And when they ask if anyone objects have i mentioned that i do uh so is that a good general but comprehensive uh answer to a question where if somebody girl or guy writes writes to you a single word text yeah i think that's your cut like that's done for that conversation. And then like review the conversation

and see where you went awry. Just remember when you're texting to be like fun, casual. You want to be like an escape to somebody's boring day. You want to be like, oh man, I like texting Jay. He makes me laugh.

He says funny things. It's funny. Right. But you're also asking questions. Yeah. And then hopefully they ask. Because then it's like, if everything you say is a question, then it's just right but you're also asking questions yeah and then hopefully they ask questions because then it's like if everything you say is a question then it's just like oh my god this person just wants me to respond right what sometimes what i like to do is um like do ask questions but sometimes don't ask questions to see if the other person responds not like a one

sentence not a one word thing like nice or fine or good but a joke that doesn't necessitate a text in return so that when you do get one in return it's a good sign it's so subtle it's such a subtle game like there's a difference between an ellipses and two periods oh yeah we've debated that before too and like you know i don't know if i've ever said this on the podcast but sometimes what i like to do is like if we're both going back and forth, I like to just type a bunch and then erase it and then just stop. See, that's where we differ. I don't like to do that. Oh, I love that.

She says something that doesn't necessarily warrant a response. You type a bunch and then delete it. So what she sees is the dot, dot, dot like you are typing and you delete it and then it goes away. So it's like a tease. Like, what was he going to say? What was he going to say? Like, I need to prod him one more time. I need to say something else.

So he responds. Oh, interesting. It's like, in my brain, it's like, oh, I guess it's my insecurity. Like, she's going to think that I thought of a joke and then deleted it because it wasn't funny. And then I couldn't answer. In my mind, it's like, I'm typing something interesting. And then I'm like, ah, no, fuck it. And then she's like, wait, no, what were you going to say?

That's what it is. For you, it's like walking away from someone at a party. Yeah, yeah. Where you walk away and they're just looking after you and being like, what is that guy doing now? Yeah, he was about to, he opened his mouth to talk and then he did an about face and hit a wall, passed out, and I haven't spoken to him since.

Yeah, that's another good thing. You have a good conversation with someone and then you disappear all together and they're like where did that guy go the two dots thing is also really funny like there's any like i'm fine or uh let's see let's think uh like my day was pretty good period is pretty like salty and then my day was pretty good dot dot dot is like dot, is like, oh, what's that? It's kind of sexy and interesting. And then there's this thing that we've been discussing is the two dots,

which is not like a real grammatical thing, but it really is somewhere in between the two. It could almost be a typo in either direction. Like, my day was pretty good, dot, dot. You almost have to say something after. Like, my day was pretty good, dot, dot. You almost have to say something after. Like, my day was pretty good, dot, dot. Got my laundry done. Heading home from work now.

But dot, dot is the end of the first text or in between the two sentences? Yeah, I don't know. It's so – this is why we need to have this site because I can't fucking explain it. You have to see it. When you do, you'll get it. It's art. It's jazz, and we can't explain it. It just happens.

It is jazz. That's what jazz is. You know the instruments so well that you can bend the rules and operate outside them. Right. But first you have to be able to be so competent. First you have to know the rules and then you have to break them. That's me, dude. This is jazz. This is smooth jazz.

This is Jake Kerwitz. Text me. This is me. Sorry, shut the fuck up, dude. This is Jake Kerwitz texting. This is me. Sorry, shut the fuck up, dude. This is slam poetry. This is what you ever thought you never wanted, that you ever knew, that you never wanted to know. Huh? What?

Huh? That's what she says, but she doesn't know the answer is the question that I ask her. So, wow. Yeah. That was awful. What? You're only good at texting okay yeah you have no other areas of expertise relax dude relax and listen to the sound of my sweet sweet voice uh let's take a break before that last question we finally got more details about the the tour that we're doing you can actually purchase the tickets.

In fact, I found that you can purchase the tickets to the Portland, the Seattle, and the San Francisco show. We'll put the dates and the places, the links on our website. So go to ifireyoushow.com for more of that information. Aren't we also doing some other shows in April? Yeah, April 1st. Tuesday, April 1st, we're doing a show at ucb theater yeah we have a show at ucb la this is a college humor live show yeah so there's uh pat

castles adam conover murph and emily kumail nanjiani and me and amir gee that's a powerhouse pack show yeah minus us everybody's fucking good you think we'll close the show or that'll probably be kumail because he's like a big time he's like a real comedian i would hate to go on after kumail yeah oh you know we should do is split up and i'll go on before kumail and you go on after you do five i'll do 15 after kumail the funny thing is that kumail played my brother in a jake and amir that is funny now he's popular yeah now he's big time now he's popular. Yeah. Now he's big time. Now he's popular and good. Yeah.

And we suck. Yeah. We plateaued after that and he took off. We were peaking as he guest starred. Yeah. He stepped on our shoulders and launched himself into a new stratosphere. How dare you take any credit for what he did. It's like when you're standing on someone in a pool

and then you jump off their shoulders and he took off into space and we drowned. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, brother. What else did we want to talk about? I just want to continue amassing stories from Dave Rosenberg's past,

but we didn't get any other funny stories or anecdotes from people who know him. Not that I know of. I could just rack my brain and try to think of a Dave Rosenberg story. Every break is just a Dave Rosenberg story. I do have a really minor one, but Dave used to really like wearing hats. Yeah, well, he still does. So yeah, so he would just wear these weird floppy hats, those bucket hats. Yeah. There was one time that we went to this place in North Haven. It's called The Only Game in Town, and there's go-karts and ski ball and video games and a mini golf course and all that shit. We rode the go-karts, and they make you wear this weird sock on your head because you get sweaty in the helmets for the go-karts oh yeah

so we all did that uh we rode the go-karts we all went home we went our separate ways three days later i saw dave he came over and he just pulled up and he was still wearing he was still wearing his sock thing on his head and not in a way that he took it off and showered and put it back on it was because it wasn't like on top of his head he And not in a way that he took it off and showered and put it back on. Because it wasn't on top of his head. Afterwards, we were playing around, he put it around his neck. And he came over three days later in the same shirt, the same shorts, and he was still

wearing that thing around his neck. Like a sweat rag from a go-kart. He was still wearing bowling shoes that he got two weeks prior and hasn't washed his hands since yeah that is a good day rosenberg stewart thank you three days of a sock on his face head we gotta have him back on he should fly out to la yeah dave if you're listening fly out to los

angeles we can we should start a Kickstarter. To get Dave over here? Just to fly Dave here. For one episode at a time. I wonder, yeah, what sort of money would we need to get Dave to just move into the Solarium? Well, if anything, we should just offer him the money. We have sponsors. We should use the money to get Dave, fly Dave out here. Oh, that's fair.

Yeah, and then that's a business expense. That's tax deduct here. Oh, that's fair. Yeah, and then that's a business expense. That's tax deductible. Oh, that's cool. So when I talk to the accountant about it, he'll be like, okay, what's this line item? $407. Oh, that was a Dave fee. Is Dave tax deductible?

Yeah, let's ask Dave when he can come out here, and we'll just put him up for a week and record as many podcasts as we can. Yes. Like as a guest, just chilling. Squeeze his brain like a wet sponge all over as we can. Yes. Like as a guest. Yeah. Just chilling. Squeeze his brain like a wet sponge all over our wet computers. Perfect.

All right. Let's get to one last question. Lest we run out of time. All right. Do we have a last place that Mike went? I know he went to the Dead Sea. Let's just say that because I think they actually haven't been

to whatever the fourth location is yet. Okay. We'll say the Dead Sea. Right. just say that because I think they actually haven't been to whatever the fourth location is yet. Okay, we'll say the Dead Sea writes, this one is from, is it? Yeah, it's from another guy. Oh yeah, this one's great. Alright, ready? Dead Sea writes, yo,

I'm pretty stoned and I have this idea. Since Yo, I'm pretty stoned and I have this idea. Since I've been rejected by yet another girl, I've decided to fuck the dating game, fuck looking for love, and just fuck a girl every weekend. I'm making it a goal to do so.

Fuck at least one girl a week. How do I approach that? Thanks. Dead C. P.S. least one girl a week how do i approach that question mark thanks dead sea p.s p.s call me josh if you're gonna use my question josh just the sound of a bong suck so you had an idea and your idea is to have a goal to fuck every week. A very original idea of just getting laid. Hey, guys. It sounds like that was your idea before because you were trying to hook up with girls.

You got rejected, and you were like, fuck this. I'm going to hook up with girls. I have this zany high idea. It's to sleep with a girl. That makes no sense. You had to get high to have that? It's like you wanted to climb Mount Everest. You's to sleep with a girl. That makes no sense. You had to get high to have that? It's like you wanted to climb Mount Everest. You started.

You fell. You couldn't do it. And then you're like, oh, fuck this. I got a new goal. I'm going to climb Mount Everest. He's so high, he doesn't remember what his original goal was. It's the same goal, getting laid. Which led him to get high.

Except now you want to do it every week. Yeah. So you couldn't do it at all and now you're like fuck this new idea i do it once a week how i don't know man jake and amir will tell me fucking baked it doesn't matter as long as i get high enough it'll happen um um how do i make this happen how do you how do you get late every week get on tinder for one uh you could try fucking the bong itself that way it's like you're eliminating fill it with petroleum jelly yeah and then fuck the bong yeah that's a nice idea uh well one uh two things one

two things came to mind when i read this one you can lower your bar so much that you'll just accept sex from literally anybody. And maybe you'll find someone else in the universe through dating websites that will also find themselves as desperate as you to fill this imaginary quota that you got. So if you get on Tinder, you just swipe everyone to the right and say, hey, do you want to have sex with me? And if you do that a thousand times a day maybe one will match a week yeah two this goal seems like it's a self uh uh not fulfilling what's the opposite self-destructive prophecy right because as soon as you give yourself a quota you get nervous and you start uh acting even worse than you would if you didn't have this imaginary quota. So I would say get rid of that.

Get rid of this high idea that you have to fuck someone once a week and maybe make it a little more manageable. Like, I'll like to have sex more, more often than I do now. Just a general goal. Yeah, and then there's less pressure on it. Because whenever you're trying to attain a number, whenever you're trying to attain a number, it seems like it only a number it seems like it only gets in the way that was great man that was good this is i feel like this is my podcast to shine between that and the text question yeah and the and both of these questions i don't know if the first one did but this guy specifically

asked for my advice right yeah and yeah i don't i don't i think that was correct. Jesus. Yeah. What now? I guess you have to do what I usually do or something. I get good at math? No, that's not going to happen. I record the audio levels? I monitor to make sure we don't peak or go too low? Am I even doing that? No. I'll go back to fucking.

You are getting baked right now.'m getting high oh my god i just got even more high i just thought of the craziest idea two girls a week hey couldn't make the two girls a week thing happen so i said fuck it i'm gonna get laid every night oh this is such a great email he sounds so sad since i've been rejected by yet another girl i decided fuck the dating game fuck looking for love i'm gonna fuck a girl every week how do i do that you don't get to talk so confidently and then ask is how yeah i'm so stoned i don't give a shit i'm gonna fuck one girl a week as soon as somebody advises me as to how to do it because I am without a clue.

Anyway, repacking this bowl here. So that's my advice. And I guess yours too? Yeah, I second it. Cool. That's it. That's our time. Can you imagine?

Time flies when you're talking about having sex with a bong. We're still accepting, reviewing, using theme song submissions. Like I said, those are running low. That first one was by Simon and this last one is actually, I believe, though I haven't seen Frozen, a Frozen parody.

By three people whose names clearly are in my short-term memory. Oh, yes. Here they are. Jesse, Harley, and Ian. Where did your eyes just like fluttered at the back of your head? Really? How did you remember that?

No, I was looking. I put the name of it on my computer. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, you thought I was like, that's how I remember things. I thought you were like, oh, I can't remember. They're somewhere locked away in a room in my short-term memory. Here, here, here. Yes.

I can't even remember what you just said. Jesse, Harley, and Evan? Oh, close. Ian. Wow. So if you have theme songs, please submit them to ifirewshow at gmail.com. And also, if you have questions for us, please email us ifireyoushow at gmail.com. And also, if you have questions for us, please email us at ifireyoushow at gmail.com. We'll be back in exactly, literally seven days from today.

Thanks for listening, everybody. Peace. Toad. I got a problem that needs to be solved, not an answer to be seen. I think I may kill myself, but a Starbucks is not near me. I've got one last resort, one that I've tried to avoid. I failed to resist, now I've lost my pride. pride my friends ignore my many texts about issues

that I must profess so now I must turn to a podcast show so the world may know my tattoo turns on guys cause it's of a

butterfly I hate birds and relationships girls turn away and slam the door i really care what these jews have to say just remember to give advice. If I were you, the show starts right now. That's it. That's our episode. Thanks again for listening. And thanks again to Our Tunes for sponsoring it. That's OurTunesWithAZ.com. Sign up now.

Use promo code Jake or promo code Amir to start discovering new music and to check out Jake's custom playlist. You know, they also gave me one because they were a good sport. So if you want to listen to a really eclectic, cool mix of songs, check out my playlist or Jake's. All right, thanks so much, guys. Bye.