Segments - 71: Sim Cheating (with Thomas Middleditch)

Episode Date: April 7, 2014

Silicon Valley's Thomas Middleditch joins us to discuss mustaches, break-ups, and virtual world problems. This episode is brought to you by NatureBox! Delicious, nutritious snacks delivered to your door. Use promo code "ifiwereyou" for 50% off your first box! http://bit.ly/1idZxFp See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Give me that advice. Yeah, I need it right now. I'm in a sticky situation. It's about to go down. ASAP. No, it's not me. They changed my name for my anonymity. Only advice podcast that'll give it to you free After everything's said, everybody yellin' preach

You want blast, yeah you want blast It won't last in the past It's all in the fun of the podcast They move fast, it gets real Like how you feel? Fuck it, you know the deal Email your questions, your problems, confessions Please, seize the motherfuckin' cheese

Amir and Jake to the Jake and Amir. Take all your issues and sort them out here. Best. Yeah. Yeah. I love podcasts. That's my fucking problem. I love podcasts.

That's my fucking problem. Hey, Thomas Middleditch is here. Whoa. Do you mind if I call you Tommy Mids? That's cool. Really? Tommy M really tommy i'm fine i'm with a lot of things but there's a couple things i'm not fine with and i delete those comments off my instagram i've noticed what they are do you delete the dudes comments i delete them and i block your motherfucking ass really yeah i'm tired of that shit. I'm tired of it.

I asked people not to on this podcast, and then they did it more. So I'm sorry. The more you say no, the more they do yes. I know, I know. It's called trolling, and you should stop. You're saying you're going to block them, so that'll... Yeah, don't give them the infamy. I know, I know. No, blocking gives people no infamy.

Blocking is like, I'm done with you. Yeah. So you're saying blocking is bad even for trolls. Yeah, because that's the opposite of what they want. They want him to respond and be like, hey, quit it. And then they say it again. And he's like, stop it. But if he's like, oh.

There's no response. You're dead to me forever. I don't ask for anything. It's a one-strike offense kind of thing. Boom, done. Zero tolerance. Yeah, I don't care. These are pictures of myself, my girlfriend, my dogs.

Like, fuck, stop. What are you doing writing penis and caps locks what are you doing there was something that they did on college humor like if you were an abusive commenter they could block you but then there's something called hell block you or something oh yeah pile smiting smiting that was it i wasn't a pile i think it was pile who did it yeah uh but it was like you caught your comments never showed up except to you so you would comment and and no one would respond and like oh so you just be to the ether to nothing no one could see them that's really smart that's even better than blocking yeah because then it's like you think that you're trolling but nobody can hear you

wasted effort although it's not embarrassing enough because you think you're still getting it well i mean what does a troll want they're just like if no one is responding to them at all they're i think you probably grow confused you're like something's broken something's wrong you grow confused you're confused what's happening pro confused i'm growing it i think that's it i grow you grow confused you i can say that yeah you can say it but we can also make fun of it well you can make fun of anything thank you yeah dude so anyway at tombini go ahead make fun of me no why don't we should edit this whole thing out because they're gonna do it i feel like i should write to you anonymously and say how do i stop this do i address it do i ignore it do i learn

to live with it i posted something on instagram the other day and i like made it fun of myself for having a bad caption sure like opening people up to make fun of my caption sure but then even when they did it it hurt my feelings i know you have to realize friends that we're humans and most of us are very sensitive humans well i feel like if people knew how often uh even not that we're celebrities but like celebrities, I bet they all check their at replies on Twitter. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And nobody really thinks that like, oh, this person's going to read my reply. Yeah.

Yeah. Imagine if you're just walking along and you get a notification that says like, hey, everything you do sucks. And you're having a great day. And some stranger just says that to you that would be horrible that's the thing about trolling it really works yeah it totally works and you have to tell yourself like oh okay they don't mean it they don't even know me i'm a beautiful butterfly but man i've done that where you like somebody says oh you suck everything you do sucks and i like click through to see who they are right which is like all they'll ever want it's like jake noticed me and then i do and i'm like and i read his other tweets and that's it

but usually when you find out who they are you're like oh you're 14 yeah you're 14 you have nine followers you live in uh the middle of nowhere yeah and i could squash you yeah what does that mean what could i squash i'm very weak i couldn could probably beat up a 14-year-old. I don't know. Really? When I got mugged and had to run away in order to prevent being mugged, it was from teens. I'd like to hear that story.

It was in Toronto, guys, back in T-Dot. I had a great night. I made out with an incredibly beautiful girl, way, way out of my league. I was walking home, 3 in the morning, feeling pretty baller. And then I walked past this diner, and there was some toughs through the window. Some toughs, some roughs. Some street toughs. They were 13, sure.

Yeah. And they were staring at me, so I gave them a little nod, and I was like, oh, that was weird. And then, as I was walking across the street, I knew that they were behind me. And my drunken, confident self being like, let them try something. I'm saying this to myself. Like, go ahead, man. I don't care. Then they got in front of me. And the one guy said, hey, man, you want to see what I got?

You want to see what I got? And he kept reaching in his jacket. And I was like, oh, fuck. How old were you? I was like 22, maybe. Oh, OK. I was like, it could be a gun. It could be a knife.

What do I do? I've never even been in a fist fight never nothing and then he like tried to punch me missed me then grabbed my like hoodie and like started to try and hockey jersey me while the other guy is like reaching in my pockets and i'm swatting his hands away and i remember like a split second it's like it's almost like time slows down i see there's a homeless guy sleeping on the street it's like it was just so surreal that there's like someone there and no one can help me what the heck and then i was like do i swing a punch and potentially like maybe get stabbed i had a like a like a not a flashback like a mental image of me like lying like

like waiting for an amulet or something like stab wounds like uh ralph from lord of the flies yeah exactly and then i was like no fuck it and i slipped out of my hoodie oh this is such a hockey toronto yeah baby oh rock them sock them and i slipped out of my hoodie and i ran and lucky for me i actually do i got some speed man i got legs i got legs for days legs for days and arms for passion for gays. Yeah. And I ran as hard as my little stems could take me. And I, I was like road runner there.

They tried and they were like, Oh, hell no. So screw you teens. With that, let's get started. That's like the intro to a movie where you become the world's greatest runner. Your leg brace is falling off

in slow motion. Yeah, I get to the edge of the block after escaping them and there's like a coach with a whistle. He's like, have you ever thought about running track? Who loves that boy? That's how they recruit. So,

let's start? We already started. let's explain yeah we already started let's talk we already started oh no he's caught in a loop shoot him there's no way out uh the show is called if i were you it's the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us my name is jake And I'm Amir. I appreciate what you just did. I totally forgot. So how does it work?

We get emails from real people in real difficult places and they're seeking advice and we do our best to offer it. Sometimes it's just me and Jake and sometimes we have funny friends with us and today is no exception. It's Thomas Middleditch. Don't laugh through. No, but we're're having fun we have to be having fun that's why we're laughing like yeah this is so

disingenuous sure it's not that is oh god babies darlings it's the same as crying laughing like that uh thomas i don't mean to put you on a reverse blast but i'm going to praise you your last episode that you did was our most listened to episode that we've ever had oh well not a coincidence it was fun to do i had so much fun and i i'm like a weirdo that i listen to the podcast i'm on and i listened to it i was like that was so fun it was a fun one that's great yeah let's do it again yeah we're gonna try and do it although in the first five minutes i've already alienated some of your fans by telling them stop. Tell them that you blocked them. Yeah.

Yeah. So we'll see how this goes. We don't need them. We don't need those three guys. I'm sorry. I love everybody. I thank you for your support. Just choose your words.

Thank you. Love you. That's kind of nice. It's like a good way to go out forever. They're like, all right, I'm ready to unfollow Tom Beanie. Yeah. Tom Beanie. I'm going gonna write dupes on his last post. Yeah, it's a good way

to go out. Well, hell, I mean, do what you gotta. I'd rather you didn't, but, you know, life is yours. Your life's yours, mine's mine. I will delete you, I will block you. I wish I didn't have to. I'd rather we all get along and support each other, but, you know, here we know here we are mankind is we're just hairless apes there we go

we'd we'd we fuck animals sometimes there's something called bestiality so what the hell i delete comments too i know you're talking about fucking animals but i delete let me bring it back to not fucking animals you delete comments on your instagram yeah of course, of course. Sometimes I'll, like I post a picture of my mom and dad on there and if somebody like calls my mom an ugly bitch, I would delete it. Not that they would ever do that.

Well, because my mom's the most beautiful woman in the world. Exactly. I love you, mom. She listens to the podcast. Let's get started. We need a fake name.

This is a real email from a real person but we're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. Are you saying use names from Tom's new TV show that is already out

if you're listening to this podcast and it's called Silicon Valley. It's on Sunday nights at what time? Right after Game of Thrones. 10 p.m.? No. That's insane. You're going to be the most famous person in the world.

Not really, no. That's the best lead-in ever. It is the best lead-in on HBO, yes. Amazing. Yeah, it's right in between Game of Thrones and Veep. Veep, so it's at 10 because Veep is at 10 30 okay then yes congratulations yeah thanks this is the last time tom's ever gonna hang out with us very surreal you know last time we were talking about like the poster and like oh yeah that poster came out so if anyone not just didn't just come out

it's everywhere yeah it's fucking everywhere it's real weird do people recognize you from the billboard i don't think people put two and two together. I don't think anyone's walking around being like, cool billboard, I'm going to remember those faces. Holy shit, who's that guy? I don't think people do that. But your friends are like sending you pictures left and right. Yeah, yeah.

It's kind of like, hey, buddy. Which I've done on two. Right. It's fine. I'm fine. It's fucking crazy because it's not just you. It's not like one big billboard somewhere. It's like, it's literally everywhere.

It's everywhere. I don't know if it is. I think it's on buses. It's not like one big billboard somewhere. It's literally everywhere. It's everywhere. I don't know if it is. I think it's on buses. It's on buses. It's in the subway in New York. I've been in the back of a bus and been below a billboard and behind a bus. Both of them are just your face looking at me. It's like, Jesus, I'll watch the show.

I'm friends with a guy. Now you don't have to inundate me with this message. Yeah. Okay. Well, it doesn't have to be that negative. Oh, let's give these names people from your show. Okay. So what's your character's name, for example?

This will be Richard Hendricks. That's my character's name. Cool name. R.H. Richard Hendricks. The real rock and roller. Jimmy's uncle. Of algorithms.

Hey, guys. A couple of weeks ago, I walked into the room while my girlfriend was playing The Sims and noticed she saved and closed out of the game really fast. I noticed her character looks like her, but really didn't get to see much of it. However, the other day I was using her computer to check my email and out of curiosity went to her Sims saved games folder. I found a saved Sim with her ex's name on it and saw that they are married in the game.

She is also pregnant in the game. What the actual fuck? I feel like I've hit rock bottom, but I have no idea how to handle this. It's been making me pretty upset, but I can't even imagine how I'd bring it up with her or where the conversation would go. Thank you, please help.

Richard Hendricks. That is incredible. The funniest thing in the world was watching, like, as you're reading, I was like, okay, alright. That is so bizarre. Looking across at Tom, he was like, his mind was blown. That is really bizarre. If that's real,

if that's not just like a made-up email, that is... Well, you're a gamer, yeah I know I played the sims so this is why it didn't register at all with me I was like okay this yeah I was not following along and you were just like you looked at me at one point

mouth agape you were like I was like can you believe this dude so can you explain to us what is the sims exactly for the uninformed that is just so funny the sims like it's just like dollhouse essentially like you can make your own little dolls essentially and you even make the little house and furnish the little house and you watch the little dolls play in the little house the dolls can get jobs they can have relationships you kind of play house you play god with the little dolls so you can say get pregnant

you can make well they have to fall in love first and then they're gonna get like married or fuck or something i'm not sure in the latest iteration of the sims what it's at how do you make a two virtual characters fall in love they do these little chat options like it's you have complete control over these things so she made the guy and she named the thing and and she like interacted and interacted and like wooed and she like interacted and interacted and like wooed and courted went on probably like these are weird little virtual dates that's so they probably like did it in a hot tub oh i've seen that before sims fucking yeah that's so would you if you caught your girlfriend sims cheating on you is that real cheating

well the thing is there's so much thought behind it yeah i mean she's i mean it's worse it's almost worse well it's not i mean no i would definitely rather have my girlfriend uh having uh sex with somebody in the sims in real life it's not worse do you know what's bad about it is if is she's it's like a secret it's a thing if she was like up top like isn't this funny look what happened like i didn't even control this. This happened. Isn't that funny? Or whatever. I did this.

This is funny. At least acknowledging it, but to be like, close the laptop. Like, nothing. Here's a good tip. If you're doing something weird on a computer, never minimize quickly. Own it. Because this guy would have not known What was happening Unless she like

Got nervous and freaked out Right or just like Seeing The Sims being played It's like you know Who anybody's named Right I would just Continue doing what you're doing

And 50 times out of 100 The guy just won't know What the fuck is going on He'll just like Look past it Cause nobody really cares About what people do

On the computers When you minimize Something quickly That's advice for the girl Playing The Sims Who the fuck does this guy i do want to ask this i want i want this girl on the podcast like i gotta be like that would be awesome what are you what is this that's that next level shit of us like calling really calling somebody out investigating that would be so i just i mean because it's such like a you build your own world and the sims can get

really complex. So she's built a world where not only the guy's just in it, like I would get that. Maybe they're in it, whatever. But she's living out this weird fantasy of them being, I mean, I don't know. To the guy? Maybe it's like, buddy, I don't know, man. Sounds like a personal problem. He's back. The personal problem grifter.

Doesn't it seem like maybe, maybe she's like, it's an old game. Like she started, she had these characters when she was with her ex. She was just about to click the divorce button. I don't know, man. Theoretically. Passive aggressive argument. Because the divorce can't go out of nowhere. As a gamer, couldn't you see if she had gotten very far along?

I've never played The Sims. But if she's built some life in the sims she's pregnant with a baby she has a good job a nice sim house she's she doesn't necessarily want to have a double sims even though she's not with this other dude anymore yeah i mean to me like with all this stuff like ask yourself is this affecting the relationship like is it is it bad or is the relationship good other than this if it's good fuck it who cares it's a fantasy it's a video game there's a lot worse video games there's a there's a game called rape play where you walk around raping women that's also bad but this is so there's worse games to be playing this is emotional i think i wouldn't be able to i would not be cool if i was dating somebody who was having who had a fantasy life with her ex.

That's insane. So what, you bring it up and now you're a snooper. You've snooped. You've betrayed trust. Yes, you know what? I snooped, but guess what? I found something. I guess.

So I accept full responsibility. Sorry for snooping, but shit, you better be sorry too. I guess. I think the relationship is done. It's irrevocably damaged. No, no. I say if you do confront, don't come in hot. Because you don't know.

Let's preface all this with Thomas is talking. This is correct advice. I am just giving you the hot-headed advice. I'm saying fuck this bitch. Fuck her forever. I'm saying buy a gun. Shoot her in the mouth. Don't kill her.

Just take her off the mouth. Yo, you've got to get a job mouth I've had You gotta get that jaw up I've had three sips of whiskey So I'm like ready to just fuck anybody up Jake's saying go into the game Go into the game and click on some sort of Abort pregnancy button Oh no, you know what, play it till she has the kid

And then name the kid after yourself Is that how detailed it gets on the Sims? Does it take nine months for them to have a baby? I mean, not nine real-time months. Nine in-game months. I don't know, actually. I haven't played The Sims for years. You can fast-forward time in The Sims.

Oh, can you? Yeah. I played it when I was a teenager. It's been around for a long, long time. You think you can have a miscarriage in The Sims? No. I don't know. Maybe.

Who knows? Look, guys, miscarriages are part of life. We're just animals. Sometimes it doesn't work out. That's true. Just getting real, very real about pregnancy. Three guys getting very real about pregnancy. We're animals, man. Well, okay, well, this show, after all, is called If I Were You. What would you do if you found your girlfriend?

You still haven't answered the question. No, no, I'm going to wait until, do you want me to go first? Yeah. If I were you and I found that, I would probably bring it up because it's so bizarre that I can't just sit on it. So I'd be like,

hey, you're pregnant in this game. You loser, you're a gamer. Yeah, go ahead. I would bring it up too. I think Tom's right saying not to come in hot don't go in and break up with her but i think you got to be very straight up like look i was sketched out when you x'd everything out real quick the other day so i looked on the sims and uh you are in a relationship and pregnant with your ex what's that about um i second that yep i gotta be honest curiosity is not it can't hold this tiger yeah it can't hold it and i want you to write back i want you to write back with what

the fuck she said yes because my goodness am i curious well she would just be like it's just a game and that's the worst yeah what's the? When someone says that to you, like, why are you making such a big deal out of it? Oh, fuck you. You're doing it. Why are you making a small deal out of it? Yeah, well, just saying, if she is, it's just a game. Relax. Just be like, well, it does make a concern.

So we're going to just have to address that at some point. Right. It's not just a game also. It's like, it's a game that's distinctly about life simulation. It's about inventing a weird ideal reality for yourself. So it's one thing if it's like, I don't know, if she's playing Street Fighter and she's punching her ex in the face. You're like, oh, this is weird, but I guess, sure. What I'd love is if he went to the basement of the weird little dollhouse,

and an avatar of him is in a cage. There's just a fucking bowl of dog food in front of him. What is this? And as he's looking at it, eyes wide, clicking through, he just feels a dog collar wrap around his neck. Holy shit. Choke chain. Oh, no.

You're mine now. No. Sorry, Richard Hendricks. If you're going to be Snoopy, I'm going to treat you like a dog. Well played, man. Toda. Move on. That was the exclamation point at the end of that story.

Let me tell you what. All right. We need a female. Is there a female on your show, or is it just dudes hanging out with dudes? No, there's a girl yeah can we get a do you do you know her character name monica but i'm not sure of the last name that's so strange monica's good we got to keep her anonymous anyway yeah monica hey guys i've been going out with my boyfriend for about two years now and i really am in love with him but about a month ago guy I used to have a friends with benefits deal going on with moved back into town after finishing university,

and as we share the same group of friends, I see him on a quite regular basis. The thing is, I keep having fantasies about sleeping with him. I don't want to leave my boyfriend or cheat on him, but my mind keeps wandering back to this other guy. The result of it is I currently have a much higher sex drive, and I have been pouncing on my boyfriend a lot more regularly than I usually have, and he can't believe his luck. The worst part is, he noticed how much randier I am getting recently, and thinks it's down to the mustache he started growing about the same time as this other guy came into town. He talks about his mustache a lot now, thinking that it makes me horny when it just doesn't. Should I tell him the truth and risk making him feel like shit?

Or should I just end it all at my local Starbucks? Todah, you do you, and seize the cheese. Love, Monica. So. Wow. Her ex-boyfriend is getting horny. What a Seinfeldian problem. Right. He thinks this is because of the mustache!

It's not the mustache! It's so weird. It's so sad. It's like a Pavlovian response. He's like, I did this, and then this happened, so this caused this to happen. Now if I grow a mustache, I'll have sex. I feel so bad for the mustache guy.

What a sloth in this situation. But the thing is, he's making out the best. He gets to have sex and he has a mustache. That's definitely so clueless. But he's having clueless sex. That's the worst. You shouldn't. Like, I feel sad for him.

He's out there getting, like, having sex and he's like, oh, yeah, I'm a pimp. And little does he know, he's the opposite. Some other fucking suave motherfucker is so hot that it gets this dude's girlfriend turned on to fuck him. That's the saddest thing in the world. He's just a rube. I gotta be honest. To this girl, my advice,

it sounds like you're not ready to be in the thing. Oh, shit. Because she's fantasizing about somebody else? No, you're allowed to fantasize. I mean, no. When you're really ready to be in the thing, you know that there's going to be people, there's constantly going to,

you're never going to stop running into people that would be charming, attractive, and someone that you'd in a single world, you'd like to have sex with. That's, I mean, if you're a social person, that's just always going to happen.

But if you have all these like lusty things, I don't know, man. You think that's like a crack in the dam? I think it's a crack in your own personal dam. think maybe you're just not ready don't beat yourself up about it but especially if you're annoyed that this guy thinks he's a player because of mustache that should be cute and endearing to be honest i think the guy's kind of adorable right now but if that pisses you off and you're like ew i hate him now what a loser this is a cool dude i'm mostly

on board with what you're saying especially especially because I think that fantasizing is fine. I think that's normal. I think to lust after somebody, that's normal. But she's lusting after one specific dude again and again, which I think that is chipping away at the foundation. Yeah, of course. Not just a random. An ex-dude. chipping away an ex at the foundation yeah not just a random an ex dude but i i feel like if the

what she asked what she asked what she asked okay we got it man you're hurting me it's because grabbing tongues just like like four uh bruise finger mark what happened i didn't even touch it got really mad i got this podcast and we're across the table he slapped me jake's such a nice guy but i don't think she has to tell the truth i don't think she has to be like hey it's not your mustache i love uh this or i'm i want to fuck this other dude she could definitely just be like hey i'm i am uh hornier lately it has nothing to do with your mustache i I don't like it. Shave it. So you're saying don't go all the way

to the Truthville. Yeah, just go halfway to Truthville. Let them know that the mustache is no go. Yeah, drive into Omission Town. White Lyeville. White Liesburg. White Liesburg. I will admit that unless you are out to

hurt someone's feelings, you shouldn't say, I'm not horny because of your mustache. It's because I want to fuck someone else. I mean, wow. That's raw. Yeah, you would make him cry. Yeah, imagine someone said that to you. You'd be like, what an asshole. Well, you'd be the fucking asshole.

He could never have a mustache again. Could you imagine if you were like, a mustache will, even seeing a mustache on someone else will just remind him of the time. He's like, that's also, this reminds me of, this is such a tangent, but like. Tangent it up. I was in high school, right?

And there was, we were doing superlatives. I was a junior. These other kids were seniors. Sorry, we gotta go. We gotta keep going. Please do. This is a really good story. It's really fun, but we fun but we just gotta so i'm looking at the time here and

there's no time this is gonna fit so anyway this dude um he was like this dude and this girl were sort of like making a campaign to be voted funniest at school yeah and they they like made a little speech as like this girl was wearing boy clothes and this dude came out, he was wearing a dress. Oh, well, I'm back on board. It was kind of funny. It was fine, whatever. He was just wearing a dress. And then after that,

the teachers made a special announcement that someone who had gone to the school the year before had died. And it was just like very, everybody's dead sober all of a sudden. Everyone is sad. And that dude is just sitting on the side of the stage in a dress. I was oh my god this guy is just like no one's feeling this

so i'm imagining that for this dude with the mustache he's like hey no i'm just like having fantasies about my ex and all he's doing is just being like i can't just shut up i have to shave right now you just can't wait to go home and just shave off the mustache shave off the mustache get out of the dress her telling him that and him listening to her in a mustache is one would it be like the most watched video on youtube that's like a todd salant smoothie like that's from happiness or palindromes like what a sad little thing i think about my other boyfriend that's why i'm so fucking turned on. Your mustache is disgusting. Your mustache is the actual, it's something that's taking it down a notch.

Right. He's like pulling out the hairs. And like, and then he just starts like masturbating in front of her. Like, don't go, don't go crying. It's like, wow, wow, wee, wee. I don't know. Girl. Girl.

There's nothing, I mean. Just don't be a supervillain. She could destroy this guy right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Girl. There's nothing. I mean. Just don't be a supervillain. She could destroy this guy right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would destroy someone. It's pretty rare that you have that power. Why you stay with, here's the thing. Why you stay with someone, why you choose the mustache guy or the guy,

is because of him as a person. And you're like, yeah, this guy may be a good lay, but this guy's a really nice guy and I want to be his girlfriend. I want to be around him. If he's not doing that, if you guys just are kind of dating, he's just like a little dude with a mustache, you're like, eh, I don't know.

Take it or leave it. The only way I can fuck this guy is if I get turned on by someone else. Move on. Move on. Don't tell him the truth. But if you love this, and to what you're saying,

if you love this guy as a person, then I think you need to maybe find a way to stop hanging out with the friends with benefits guy. She said they have a lot of mutual friends. Maybe you should just try to cut them out of your life if you value the relationship that you're in. Yeah. Yeah, and you know what? Get turned on by the guy, your boyfriend.

Again, if you're young, you don't have to settle down. If you're 20s or teens, I mean. This girl is 68. Fuck. Yeah. Well, that's kind of the same thing. And your boyfriend is just trying out a mustache? Oh, her boyfriend's 23.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's a Hitler mustache. Oh, no. I would say tell him that you're not turned on by the mustache, but don't tell him that you're getting turned on by your ex-boyfriend. That's true. You can just enjoy your higher libido.

He'll enjoy it too. Oh, yeah. And tell him to get rid of the mustache. Say, that has nothing to do with it. I actually prefer you clean shaven. That's great. If you like the boyfriend, you want to stay, but libido comes in ebbs and flows.

So it's raging now. That's cool. Don't overthink it, but if the mustache you don't like it you know just be like hey man why not try a beard turn that mustache into a beard oh beard is a good look that's true don't say i don't that's exactly right don't say i don't like the mustache say would you try a beard and then he tries the beard you say i like this even better than i like the mustache that's what my girlfriend says and it makes me feel like a

million dollars oh yeah she goes i like you in a beard but she likes bearded guys and then i get mad because it makes me think okay who else has a beard that you fucking get turned on long-haired sort of like fucking fleawood mac like fucking beard guys and then i just every night i think about putting that pole over her face you know oh i'm sorry oh my god and kissing her and kissing the pillow because i don't touch the lips never touch them wow powerful i've never met your girlfriend but she seems ask her this tonight ask her if she has ever had a crush on the dad from family ties you want me to ask her that i think she has if you text if you text her that it will not sound like it came from a mirror it'll sound like it came from you you

know text or say i'll text her right now she gets back to me in the in the show i'll let her i'll let you guys know okay so say have you ever had a crush on the dad or do you have a crush on the dad from family ties i feel like that's her style it's like intellectual beer uh bearded guy who sort of looks like a an older version of you thomas a little bit oh nice then yes then that's perfect on the dad from what family ties family ties is she older than 26 she's 26 on the button oh so hopefully she knows what that guy looks like. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades

at this point. Exactly. Eons. It feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one,

first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah.

How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and available it's not available yeah but how'd you like to own freaky tuesday interesting freaky tuesday so that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change but ultimately it's not a full body swap right mostly you're just concussed yeah which is new

just kind of like having a new personality yeah it's funny i consider myself a vision lifter which is why i recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, Visionlifters? Yeah, Visionlifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch,

just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments, segments, you save 10% off your first purchase, and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments.

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Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. I should try to get to one more question. Yeah. How's our time?

We're at around 35 minute mark. Oh, this is a good one. All yeah yeah what's our how's our time uh we're at around 35 minute mark oh this is a good one all right we need another dude's name perhaps kumail's character's name uh it's dinesh and then something crazy dinesh kapokapokupu uh all right so i was at this party the other week and i was chatting with this pretty cute girl we were getting on really well we had similar interest in music, TV shows, and went to the same university. She seemed to have genuine interest in me. By around 2 a.m., we were both pretty drunk

and I was moments away from making a move when our conversation somehow ended up on the topic of 9-11, perhaps a symbolic precursor of what was to come. What a nerd. According to my calculations. This seemed to be a topic of interest to her because she wouldn't shut up about it

for about half an hour. What really bugged me about her discussion was that she was one of those crackpots who believed 9-11 to be a mysterious government conspiracy. I haven't done too much research on the topic, but I'm pretty sure 9-11 was not an inside job. I felt by the tone of her voice, she was one of those hipsters who believed such things only to go against the grain of society turned off by the discussion i made an excuse to leave and got the heck out of there since the party she's contacted me to hang out am i being a

bitchly for avoiding this cute redhead based solely on the motive that i disagree with her opinions on admittedly a pretty important topic. What would you guys do in this situation? Dinesh. First of all, let's explore the facts of 9-11. I mean, look at the video. How could they implode on themselves? The place came on the top.

Look at Building 7. I'm not saying maybe, I mean, look, I mean, knew about it, let it happen. Obviously. I mean, sure. We've done crazier things. The government's done crazier things. How else are we going to get into Iraq? Guys, do the math. So would you hook up with someone who is a 9-11 conspiracy theorist?

Well, Tom's a 9-11 conspiracy theorist. Yeah, I mean. He probably gets them off. I'm kind of in there. I mean, look, if you're trying to make out with a cute girl, kind of like, who the fuck cares what she thinks? Yeah, that's a weird thing, because I'll say I'm into a band. I'll say I've been somewhere, like to a club that I haven't been to.

Yeah, little white lies to fudge your person. Why am I above being like yeah you're totally right 9-11 was a conspiracy it's like it's all the ends justify the means right i can get this kid if he's coming from kind of an emotional point like he was maybe looking for a girlfriend or something and you know i've been in that situation where she says something and you're like oh never mind yeah um like i'm a republican sorry never mind but is this bad enough uh man i don't know i would say i would say ask her about that's crazy what videos have you watched oh cool yeah i've seen that i don't i don't i don't agree i disagree i mean she may have valid points

he said himself he hasn't looked into it so he's admitting like ignorance uh girls are smart they can know more than you it's okay at least she's done the research buddy well i guess like you find out if she's done the research also it doesn't matter if you just want to make out with her like i've definitely made out with people i completely disagree with and to be on my honest opinion that's like a fun difference to be had that's not like a core principle belief that makes up a person you know what i mean yeah some people can believe in a silly little conspiracy theory that it's pretty harmless yeah you know i call that god yeah but i was just gonna say like if if religion is important to you and you know one person is one person isn't that's like a different thing than like hey do you think 9-11 was a bad

was an inside job right this guy's actually a firefighter who lost his brother on 9-11. So somebody's like, oh, yeah, it's an inside job. Like, okay, fuck you. Yeah. I was there. You watched Loose Change. Yeah. But to be honest, there's a lot of firefighters that do also think it's an inside job.

Really? I'm just saying. Yeah. See, I don't know anything about it either. Jake, what's your retort to that? To what? To the firefighters who believe it was an inside job. I've already leaned in and me and Tom are making out at this point.

Wait, I gotta say, so I checked to see if my girl Molly had responded. Yeah. I get an Instagram. Okay? This is fucking happening right now. Jesse ****, whatever the fuck. Watch. You want to give her that

she says nice one dupes and capitals what was the picture that you commented on i'll i'll describe it to you i don't know i just could have got the notifications this is how quickly it happens it's me in a suit i'm looking dapper i'm like look at me i'm fancy now okay watch comment i'm going over to you your profile hey hey dick hole and i get mad i'm like so mad i'm like we could have been friends you fool you're 18 years old you're from melbourne i don't know you guess what as soon as this little icon pops up i'm gonna click it the only thing that's saving you is a slow ass motherfucking internet right now blocked forever but i'm motherfucking internet right now. Blocked forever? Blocked for a motherfucking ever. One strike, motherfucker. Oh, no. That's it.

You only got 22 posts, 114 followers, and you following 500, you following more than you got followers. Hell no. Where the icon at? Where's my fucking icon?

This is exactly what he wants. Don't you get it? Don't you? Don't worry, this is the only guy that's gonna get this shout out. I'm gonna do it to Thomas because I want the shout out on his next podcast.

We could have been buddies. Okay, it doesn't matter. Back to the girl. Yeah, 9-11, inside job. I don't believe that 9-11 was an inside job, but there are more fundamental differences that you can have, like Thomas said. And besides, you're not cultivating a relationship with this person quite yet. But it's weird to be like, oh, yeah. No, it's like uh she likes the red socks and you like the yankees you know and uh and you think 9-11 was terrorist and she thinks it was the government

yeah that's kind of fucking crazy there was like death involved that was a pivotal point for society it wasn't it's not like your favorite color right so you're saying it's different it's bigger it's a bigger deal then it is kind of i mean i would say that like that's it sort of like what tom's saying is like if you were looking for a girlfriend then maybe this girl's not going to be a good girlfriend but you could definitely make out with her i still think this is like you're focusing on a tiny thing. So say you spend more time with this girl, which you should if you think she's cool. Just so we're clear, you just called 9-11 a tiny thing. Go on. Well, I mean.

You traitor. We've killed a lot more people over there than we've had killed. So who's the bad guys? Anyways. Open your eyes, people. Open your eyes. Let's get out of there and fucking let those people just live their lives. Please.

Anyhow. We're getting political for the first time ever. Fucking yes. Yes, goddammit. God, it's taking forever. Thank you. Thank you. Anyhow.

Dude. I think, like, so we went on another date, and it's all swimming. It's all going along great. Is this literally the thing that's, like, going to prevent you? You know, like, believing in a harmful conspiracy theory? I mean, I don't know. That's a question to ask yourself baby that's what you do and fucking when you figure it out don't come on instagram

because you get blocked oh that's what's up that's what's up you want to hear what molly said yeah don't know who that is i googled him and i don't recognize him he does nothing for me why why is a good question i don't know who that is either uh what's the guy's name uh i don't know it was alex keaton's dad on uh on family ties he was tall he was slender he had a beard he had gray hair i went for it i just went for the fences she's clearly she's clearly lying to you i'm sorry dude i'm i still think that i'm right yeah i don't know maybe um i'm looking at a picture of him and of course yeah no what do you mean he's a he's a silver fox no but is he a rocker no he's not a rocker that's the guy that's the that's that's my girl's type it's like you know plaid shirt sort of like or like a black t-shirt.

Oh, you know what it is? I just woke up. Maybe I just, if she had seen the show, he has a very crush-worthy personality on the show. Jesus, you like him. You have a crush on him. You love the dad from Family Ties. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. You know you definitely do.

He's cute. He's fucking really sexy, man. I want to kiss his cheekbones. That doesn't mean I have a crush on him. Yeah, baby. All right. We got one last question to get to. We answered the guy.

Yeah, yeah. Chill, man. Chill. Unless it's a super big deal for you, in which case. Yeah. You're the arbiter of what is big or not. Yeah. Boom.

You do you. This girl, I think I want you to read this question. It's a girl who's seemingly on a drunken rant, and I feel like you can knock it out of the park. Do you have another female name to give this? It won't be from the show. Oh, no. Tara. Tara. That be from the show uh oh no tara tara that's from the show tara writes in thomas you could do a voice you could not do a voice but just remember read it in the read it in the tone of a

girl furiously typing away on her keyboard having just gotten into a fight with her boyfriend okay first though like let's just like get on board with punctuation and yeah oh there's no yeah there's barely any please capitalize when you start a sentence it's called english i love you learn it or get out of my country i mean but it's the language you speak you should be really good at it anyway hey dudes you never replied to my first email so that was hurtful i think i you're definitely drunk i think i can forgive you but i'm still having having a goddamn come apart oh that's i like that term i'm gonna use that a come apart a come apart the boy that i could never get to date me after fucking for 10 months and saying I love you to each other just admitted to me that the...

Don't touch that. Just admitted to me that the reason he can't be with me is because I don't know if I want to have kids. Kids! I feel like we're way too young to even be thinking about procreation. I'm 23 and he turned 25 last week. This isn't even considering the fact that we're barely beyond the let's not fuck other people phase of a relationship.

His reasoning is that he doesn't want to get more invested in something that's going to end inevitably. Which would make sense if he hadn't been telling me for the past um, forever that he just wouldn't which would make sense if he hadn't been telling me for the past forever that he just wouldn't date me because he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. How did he go from I love you, but I'm not ready for anything serious

to please have my babies or we're done in a matter of literally two weeks? Is he just fucking with me? Is he lying to let me down easy? Is he a sociopath with no human emotions that thrives by drinking the tears of women? Help. Fucking frowny face.

Did you write fucking frowny face? I put fucking, but there was a frowny face. I love that. So what do you think? 25 year old men are just the same as 15 year old men oh you think it's young is young i i was a shit bag when i was 25 years old do you think this guy's a shit bag not a shit bag but he doesn't know what he wants what man at 25 does yeah i think he like heard some heard one thing he didn't want to hear from her like he's imagining some weird future where

he's like has kids and she's like i don't know if I want to have kids. And then he let that seep in and freak him out. So personally, to her, I say go to White Liesville. Just be like, actually, you know what? I do want to have kids. That's all you have to say. You don't say, I want to have your kids. Just like lions. Well, she says he's pissed because she said, I don't know if I want to have kids.

And now he's like, I need someone who definitely knows that she wants to have kids. So just be like, okay, fine. I definitely want to have kids. Doesn't it seem like she would just, it sounds like she's just placating him just to see what he would say. Yeah. It sounds obviously fake. It's completely placating. But I mean, you could sell it.

But I think this guy is making it up. I think the second thing is true where he said, is he lying to me to let me down easy? I think that's what it is. That's insane. I'm a piece of shit and I would never say to a girl, I want to have kids and you don't so we're done. That's fucking batshit crazy. Right, but people are batshit crazy.

I think girls especially think that guys are kind of simple. They have three needs and that's all they want. But this guy probably, he could just be like kind of an overthinker you think he's actually breaking up with her because she doesn't know if she wants kids she might want to it might not if he's an indecision guy right if he's a guy that's indecision because that's clearly what's happening because he doesn't want to be in the relationship or not he's like i don't know where we are but we're not we're fucking but let's just i mean let's be exclusive but i'm not you're my girlfriend. That's kind of the gist I get.

And then he gets this. He's probably like a panicker. He likes to have a good panic. He's a panic. He's a panic. He's a panic man. He likes a good come apart. You know what I'm saying?

He loves a good come apart. And to this girl, I say, you don't want to be with no panic man. You want to be with a man who makes decisions and makes choices and knows what he wants. Yo, shit. Y'all motherfucking ass needs to be dead in all the mint. Yeah, yeah. You ain't gonna have a panic motherfucker's kids. Nah, man. Yo, man.

What happens when that fool need to pick up that fool from that little fool from a soccer game? Nah, you know what I'm saying? He gonna freak out a motherfucker's car. And have a fucking panic motherfucker's kids. His sperm, they're all banging against your eggs and you're like, do I, do I, do I, do I, do I, I don't know, do I, do I, do I, do I, do I? I don't know. Do I, do I, do I, do I? Oh, shit. No.

Oh, you think the sperm is indecisive. I think the sperm's indecisive as well. Yeah. Sperm don't know which hole to go up in. Yeah, the sperm done come apart. You know what I'm saying? Shit, the sperm having to come apart. Getting inside that little egg, the embryo, saying, hell no, I don't want to be up here.

Oh, no. I want to die like my brother. Oh, no. As-salamu alaykum. I say I do, yes, sir. egg the embryo saying hell no i don't want to be in up here oh no i want to talk like my brother what happened everyone has nosebleeds at the same time i really i think that he does like overthink he's like i don't know if i want to be in a relationship i love you i don't know if i love you and now he's like he's like fuck it fine i'm gonna do it i'm gonna really do it and i really love you and will you have my kids and she's like yo i don't know and then he's like oh fuck what am i doing yeah oh you know what this could be tough love tough love band-aid time he may not he may not want to be with you yeah that's what i'm saying he totally is grasping at anything that he can say no guy no but it's a subconscious thing it's It contributes to his

indecision. If you love someone, you want to be with them, you're not indecisive. I'm sorry. I think all guys, as sexist as it is, I think all guys in their minds sort of believe, even if not outwardly, but like deep down, girls want to have children. So I would never,

ever, as an excuse to break up with someone, be like, I want to have kids and you don't. Because that's so dangerous. This girl could easily just be like, you're right, I do want to have kids. I've got maternal instincts. They're starting to kick in. I'm down to have kids. He should say anything else.

But, Daddy, we don't know the conversation that they had. She could have been really adamant. It's from her point of view. That's true. She could have been really adamant. She's like, I of view that's true she could have been really adamant she's like i'm probably leaning towards now i've never ever met have you ever met a guy who was like i'm i can't be with this girl because she doesn't want to have kids if they wanted to be with a if they wanted to be boyfriend girlfriend yeah when you say let's be boyfriend girlfriend you can't help but look into the future but it's never the girl who's like i

don't want to have kids yeah it is it is when no i've run in i've run up against it i i don't even believe it would you be with someone if they never wanted to have kids you call me a liar dude no no hey yo stop the podcast i was ripping my hoodie off like we're in a hockey fight where's my instagram i'm gonna fucking block you what do you want to do here dude yo man what do you want to do here penis oh curses fuck you uh if i yeah if i was like well first of all i would never say to a girl like i want to have kids i'm with this girl who's like all right it's that's insane to talk about any of that shit so early on but i mean i think it's insane to base if you're 23 he's 25 and you just are getting into a relationship and you guys are like 10 months of fucking dude 10 months of fucking but but to be

like i don't know if we should do this anymore because you don't know if you want to have kids and i know i do like don't write it off that early well that's the thing that's why i think it's an excuse because she didn't say i don't want to have kids which is more understandable for the guy to be like all right let's pump the brakes right now because i do want to have kids she just said i maybe do i maybe don't he's like uh that's also not good enough for me we're through it's clearly he just doesn't like her anymore no i think i think i don't know i i hadn't had a problem before saying like i love you but i'm not ready for because it was just about casual stuff and it's not as if he's wanting to have kids it's just that's serious conversations

she shouldn't have to and she shouldn't have to be like oh maybe i'll have kids maybe because no no you stand by your convictions you be you girl if you don't know you want to have kids you don't know you want to have kids don't change phenomenon here's a bigger true i'm with that more general piece of advice if a guy doesn't know if he wants to be with you don't be with him you only want to be with someone who's like actively rooting and fighting and that's actually what we were talking about

I think in the last episode is you gotta have self-respect you gotta respect yourself don't try to win someone over never ever wait around for somebody to decide that's true

that's 100% true I mean whatever the fuck I was saying before about lying to him I'm with you guys now I've heard the truth oh baby I've heard the truth and I've learned the error of my ways

we're both seizing the raccoon is coming out of your chest dude it's like ringing in the room it's so loud you know when you yell loud and you hear it ring and you're like was that too loud you know when you yell loud and you hear it ring and you're like was that too loud yeah it was definitely too loud but it was just right at the same but we're

all we're all we're all we all agree yeah self-respect is key man yep so tell him like all right yo this is who i am if you don't know if you want to be with me then fuck off yeah i'm because indecision is a decision honestly yeah because hey yo like sell send some like selfies to us and we'll deem it be like you know like a hot chick and you got chances like other guys all right yo that's what's like if he hollers let him go like my shit was like on the eeny meeny miny moe tip like like forget that shit eeny meeny miny moe tip yeah no that's like a that's like a meanie, and I'm meanie. Her hiney grows. Catch a tiger by the... Oh, no.

Yes, I say. What do you want? I'm going around. How good are you at musical improv, Tommy boy? No, this is perfect. This is everything I could have wanted. This is perfect. I got to bring it back. I got to bring it back.

I got to bring it back. Okay. Because my joke version of send pics is like, that's a joke version. But the real facts are, you're 23? She's 23. Yeah. She can find lots of dudes, man. That's what's up.

Preach. There's plenty of dumb dudes, but there's plenty of cool dudes. Just fucking, but don't compromise. I mean, don't compromise yourself. That's big. That's beautiful. I'm going to... We have to end on that.

It's poignant. It's touching. It's true. And I'm hungry for sushi with you guys. So I want to do that now. Great. It was fun. Was this as fun as the last one?

I had just as much fun. Yeah. Let's have them... Maybe they'll comment and say it was 80% as fun as the last one. Or maybe they'll say it was twice as fun. Yeah. Let's have them, maybe they'll comment and say it was 80% as fun as us. Or maybe they'll say it was twice as fun. Yeah. Or 200%. Let's put that positivity out there, too.

I like it. Okay. All right. That's it. Ice cream's for everybody. That's it. Pretty cool dad, right? Yeah.

Pretty cool old man, huh? Not so gassy anymore. What are you talking about, dad? Well, I had a surgery That's why I was away for two weeks I didn't actually go to Atlanta What happened was Dr. Seidenstein Put a little blade

Up my You want to listen to this Tyler Put a little blade up my colon Your friend Brett was here a lot While you were gone daddy Yeah Brett was I'm sorry who you were gone, Daddy. Yeah, Brett was... I'm sorry, who? Your friend Brett.

I don't know a Brett. We call him Uncle Brett. He was wrestling Mommy. God damn it. Hold on! And scene. Honey, nothing! Closes the laptop.

Full circle. The Simpsons sims a simpsons don't answer that maybe a mod uh plug your last or plug your show one last time for everybody silicon valley hbo right after game of thrones and if you miss it, there's a thing called HBO Go. And it rules. Yeah, you can watch any HBO show ever. Yeah. Thanks again for coming back. Okay.

We very much so appreciate it. Oh, you know, we didn't even give the proper shout outs to the guy, Chris Guerra, who wrote the opening theme song. And if you have a theme song or a question of your own, you can email us at ifirewshow at gmail.com. That's it. This last outro song is sort of a cool, what's it called when you sample our dialogue over music? A remix?

Yeah, a remix. Is it a remix? This guy named Chris Leggett made a remix of our show to close us out. So thanks again to Tom. Thanks to you guys for listening. Let's play us out with Chris Leggetgett's remit thank you let's get started i'm amir and i'm jake if i were you show at gmail.com these are people in difficult places how dare you sir how dare you but i thought i thought these things sometimes don't have any symptoms. Boo! Are you kidding me?

Me doing this? Dope, man. That's dope. So, how does this podcast work? All due respect, Ms. Portman, I do have dips here. No, no, no. Don't get me wrong. This girl's a stone-cold criminal. You goon! What happened? Say, hey, ma'am, are you doing weed? If I were you, if I fucking got her.

So for those of you who have never heard this show before, you can turn it off now. Yo. Oh, don't. I don't know, I think they believe it. So, oh babe, don't worry. I fucked this girl, but it was at a party and there were 30 people around. You're schwasted on Merlot. Schwasted on Merlot.

What's the theme of the news for this week? I can't figure it out. It ain't a drug. It's from the earth. It's if I were you. She's pressuring you to do fucking whippets. I need surgery. I really think I need a freaking lobotomy or something.

I need brain surgery. He just doesn't hold his crack well. I'm nervous, Chuck. God forbid we get to the questions. Can I stop you there? Nice.