Segments - 72: Gifts

Episode Date: April 14, 2014

In this episode we discuss how to pleasure women physically, and men emotionally. This episode is brought to you by CombatGent.com -- Tailored suits starting at $160! Use coupon code "jakeandamir" and get a free tie with any purchase: http://bit.ly/1ezhbTN See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

New advertiser, motherfuckers, so listen up. How rude. All ears. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets,

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That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Half of your eyes, put down what you're doing, and please pay more than attention. Yeah, if you're driving a car right now, pull over. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point.

Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology. Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all in one first stop, one stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Friday. Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available.

Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed.

Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think.

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Yeah. I love this. It's good. You force yourself to laugh good You force yourself to laugh You force yourself to smile You feel happy even when you're not Yeah, I'm happy because my face is curved My brain thinks I'm happy

Because I'm smiling I tricked it I tricked my brain My brain tricked itself When you think about it Oh no Oh shit Fuck, I'm frown it. Yeah. Oh. Oh, no. Oh, shit. Fuck, I'm frowning.

I'm depressed. Oh, no. I'm sad. Oh, no. I hate my life. Hey, that was Eric Striffler. Striffler? Yeah. In his email, he said, like, Stiffler from American Pie.

Nice. And then he said his dad's name was Steve Striffler. That's pretty cool. Which is Stiffler's name in American Pie. Wow. So, I don't know. Unfortunate name, but great song. Unfortunate.

I think it's a cool name. Steve Striffler? Yeah. Striffler? Striffler. Yeah. Your name's Amir Shmuel. Enough, dude, with my fucking blast.

All right. He will know my name. You're putting Striffler on blast. Yeah. I don't know what else to say say Thank you to Eric for submitting that theme song Yeah, we appreciate it The name of the show is If I Were You The only advice podcast on the internet Hosted by us, I'm Amir

And I'm Jake, and actually, you know what? Huh? You know what? I think I'm gonna start introducing myself before you Excuse you. Yeah, we'll just try it again. Only advice podcast on the internet. Hosted by us. I'm Jake.

I hate that. Why? Because it's forced. It's not forced. Yeah, it's too scripted. It's too scripted the way it is. We've been doing it the same way. I know. Yeah, 70 episodes and I want to keep it going. Try to do it one more time

i already did it i already did it twice okay fine i just really think that i deserve to be why introduced first why because you do so little yeah yeah that's why like i get to do this one thing like you you reach out to the advertisers you record record. You listen to the audio. You post. Right. And I don't even introduce myself first. Of course. Don't even say and. You say because of that.

It's the least I can do. Yeah. No. You're already doing the least you could do. I think that could. Actually, the least you could do is to take credit first. You're actually doing the second least right now. No, that's because that's doing something.

That's me being active. And I don't want to be passive in this process anymore. So I think I'm going to take the initiative. I'm going to introduce myself first. This is how you're going to assert yourself? I think it's time that I introduced myself before you. Okay. All right.

That's fair. We'll change it going forward. Thank you. So you want to explain how the show works? No, I think introducing myself first will be. Okay. So, yeah. So I'll still do the explanation. Do you want me to do the explanation?

I mean, I I'm already tired from introducing myself first It's all an uphill battle here At this point So how does the show work? You guys are in sticky situations You got your problems We got some answers

You're going to email us in Your questions And we're going to do our best to advise you uh what's that email address if i were you show at gmail.com that's right that's right so let's get started let's start answering some questions uh these are real emails from real people but we're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity very good thank you it's not a fucking quiz show so don't do that shit sorry don't stop talking and then point to me i hate it it's like condescending

you have a bad attitude i'm not your dog so far and uh and jake what's that email address like yo i i i'm my own fucking person all right so say things the way i want to say four minutes you you've complained that you've been introduced second i should be paid more what it's an even split right now that's not fair for either of us it's an even split that's not fair for either of us i think you know i think i don't uh so what what fake names can we give these oh i was thinking today actually um the brady bunch i don't know if we can name all the members but i can name all the members for sure great you got bobby peter um well don't ruin it. Okay, you're right. Jan, Marsha.

Stop it, buddy. Greg's. Quit it, man. And Dan B. Davis is Alice. Jesus Christ, I asked you to stop. What was the dog's name, though? Oh, what was the dog's name? Check question. They never had a dog.

Did they not? I don't know. I feel like they did have a dog. I don't think they did. Every sitcom in the 70s and 80s had a dog. I'm going to Google, did the Bradys have a dog? Yeah, please. Please let me know.

Did the Brady... Oh, wow. A lot of did the Bradys... Bone each other? Did the Brady Bunch really sing? did the brady's bunch really sing did the brady bunch have two dads two dads oh because the wife was remarried wait what was the dog's name um the it doesn't say that they had a dog wait oh tiger oh yeah that makes sense. Okay. All right, Tiger. Well, let's start with that name. Tiger.

Tiger writes, Hey, guys. Love the show. So I've been messaging this girl on Tinder, a total smoke show with a bangin' bod. Definitely the hottest girl I've matched with to date. Things were going pretty good until we started talking about school. When she said she wants to apply for college,

but she doesn't have the money for an application fee. It's like a hundred bucks. She then asked if I could help her pay the fee. To which I responded by saying. I'd love to help if she wasn't a complete stranger. She then said. And I quote. Yeah but I can be a lot more than a stranger to you.

So basically this girl is trying to get me to pay her money. Which is obviously bad, but a part of me can't help but think about what it would be like to go along with it and potentially fuck this really hot girl for $95. Would that be paying for sex? Or would it be her paying with sex? Either way, it sounds like bad news,

and there's probably a very small chance that it would even lead to fucking, but I still wonder. Any advice on how to deal with this situation would be great. Thanks. Tiger. Tiger. Mmm.

Tiger. Tiger, tiger, burning bright. What? I don't, uh... Yeah, right? You could just... If he has $95 that he wants to spend yeah it's like a it's like playing the lottery you're gonna throw it away probably but uh it's roulette yeah yeah well

here's another way to look at it this is not a hot girl this is a guy who's extorting money from him right and i would say that's such a high probability it's not even worth gambling oh yeah well there's no way this is a hot girl who actually needs money for a college application and even more so there's no way that she'll fuck you if you do give her money that didn't occur to me but like yeah this is a scam on tinder the bots are like the scams are you know just weird cam girls being like go to my live right so you can watch me strip for you. But you wouldn't fall for that. Right. But what you might fall for is a hot girl who chats with you and then says she needs money for a good cause.

Which is why you should say, let's meet up in person and I'll give you the check. Oh, that's good. See how she reacts to that. Which I guarantee will be, no, I don't want to meet up with you. I'm actually a guy posing as a girl who's trying to take money from people that's fair uh yeah i don't know i don't know what else to say other than i'm so certain this is a scam but let's say it's not like i really i'm curious about this i know it's a bad idea but still i wonder like i know man that's how much guys want to fuck hot girls of course they're like

i will pay i will throw a hundred dollars into air, and 99 times out of 100, nothing will happen. But just the fact that there's a 1% chance makes me want to at least give it a shot. Yeah. But that's why these types of scams work. promise of something that you know almost 100% isn't true, you would still go for it because the odds, the probability of you coming inside of a hot woman's vagina. Not necessarily coming inside. You relax right there. Why?

Well, because she might not want you to come inside her. Oh. You might need to be wearing a condom. Okay. Well, I guess you're still technically coming inside. Or you might need to pull out. Yeah. So I just don't want to get anyone too excited yeah you mean okay so even the probability of would you rather have

sex with someone with a condom on and come in them or no condom and pull out uh i think i differ from you in this opinion because you'd rather use a condom yeah weirdo i don't hate condoms as much as you do i don't hate condoms they're very everyone should wear them no yeah everyone should but i don't hate the way they feel as much as you do i yeah no i don't like it yeah i don't like it all right moving on you would rather do the opposite right yes how does it work when you like how close do you get when you pull out um usually four seconds after i came wow bad attitude no i you just pull out a limp noodle be like uh ready i just i yeah you pull out like the second before the second before yeah that's

so risky no it's not you know when it's gonna come so does that mean when you pull out are you do you have to then use your hand to like finish it off um no i usually pull out like as it's coming so like no just before so right so it's so close that you pull it out, but you're ejaculating without any hand stimulus? Yeah, I don't need to jerk off. I guess sometimes I'll grip it tightly and that will be enough. Or I'll put it back on somebody's butt cheeks or the top part of their vagina. Even that little bit of friction will send it over the edge. And then there's just a cleanup?

Yeah, but that's like any sex. If you're wearing a condom, there's cleanup. No, there's not. It's a container. But you have to take it out. You have to dispose of the condom. It's all located within a nice, clean receptacle that you can then peel off your dick and throw away.

Well, that's not necessarily true. It's not that clean, removing a condom. Yeah, it is. There's fluid on the outside and on the inside. Then there's fluid all over your dick. Your dick smells like spermicide. You're making it sound like, I think everyone should use condoms, definitely. But you're making it sound like a glorious little utopia.

Obviously, everyone should use condoms. It's all messy. Everyone should use condoms it's all messy everyone can use condoms but you're making it you're overplaying it a little bit you're trying to sell I just don't want

some disillusioned youth to think you lied to them and then reject condoms forever I'm letting you know they're not the perfect receptacle that Amir says they are yeah it's like when you're bike riding

helmets are cool but it's actually pretty tight not to wear one sometimes. Obviously, that's not safe, not ideal. You're supposed to wear a helmet, but they're uncomfortable and ugly and bad. And actually, riding a bike doesn't feel quite as good when you have a helmet on. You're a bad sex educator. Fuck. I know. All right.

Well, that's everyone should listen. I think we make it pretty clear on the show that everyone should listen to you and not me, right? Yeah. Fuck! I know. I think we make it pretty clear on the show that everyone should listen to you and not me, right? Yeah. Unless we're doing it in a way that is like hey, listen to Goofus, not Gallant over here, and then everyone's like, no, I want to

be like the other guy. By saying listen to me, we're thus making me uncool, and then people will listen to you. What are you going to do? Quit the podcast. Did we give this guy advice? Oh, yeah, I said it's a scam.

I think it might. I would definitely not just send her money blindly. I'm saying you should meet up with her and give her the money. That's a good advice. Say, I want to meet up with you. And then he just goes to a coffee shop and gets jumped getting out of his car can you imagine he gets to a coffee shop and it's a hot girl an 18 year old hot girl thank you so much uh i'm really crossing my fingers that dartmouth will let me in really

you're applying to colleges in april how does that work a lot of people have already heard by now yeah yeah i'm a little late no you're not a little late you're seven months late or six months early can i blow you i'll blow you for a hundred dollars uh yeah you're getting scammed i don't know what to say um all right next question yeah this one is pretty real okay uh let's call him peter brady all right peter christopher mcknight i believe his real name is didn't he go to jail peter brady yeah yeah probably cool you follow enough kid actors around and odds are one of them will have gone to jail you do follow a lot of kid actors around yeah i actually stalked eve plum who played jan for six years you uh you dated

tara noah smith from home improvement right the the youngest yeah the one who became so goth they had to write it into the show yeah is that true did he become goth they had to write it into the show? Yeah. Is that true? Did he become goth and then they wrote it into the show? I think that, like... Or was that just a character? It seems like it was too natural to be a character. I feel like that must have just been the way he was showing up to set. Yeah.

And, like, the writers were like, let's write it into the show. Yeah, because... Not like he was like, I'm not going to take off my black jeans. And they're like, fuck, we have to write it into the show. I bet they could be like, yes, you are. Take off your black uh what's it called nail polish your black nail polish and your eye shadow your skull ring that was like a thing that was happening to lots of kids back in that day too so it was like a relevant thing for them to incorporate into the show you dated tara noah smith uh all right yep Peter writes, I've recently started talking

to this girl and let me tell you, she's making me earn that booty. Unlike most of our listeners, I wouldn't say she's a smoke show per se, but she is a relative smoke show for a man of my station, a loser and a dweeb. I let her copy my homework all the time and have

even wrote a three page essay for her that got an A-. Before you say anything, yes, I'm aware that she is most likely using me and doesn't care for me at all, but I still appreciate the contact and attention in some weird fucked-up way. Also, part of me thinks that if I hang out with her long enough, she might get to know me better and appreciate me. I'm all for working for it, but at this point, it feels like she's making me toil, grovel, and beg. There are no other girls that show even a remote interest in me. What should I do?

Love, Peter Brady. Huh. This is kind of a cool question. Why? Because it has many layers. One, you're like, don't let this hot girl take advantage of you she's just using you for your brain right but then it makes me think you know girls can be attracted to lots of parts of people why not have this interesting uh exchange where you help her academically by

you know writing her essay and then she shows you affection you guys are it's a mutually beneficial she's showing him affection yeah he says he says he likes the constant attention. Or he appreciates the contact and attention in a weird fucked up way. That is kind of weird. It's mutually beneficial. The only bad thing that's happening is that he's doing her homework and thus she's not learning. Right. But that's a small price to pay for contact and attention.

It's not mutually beneficial because he's like, he feels, I guess he, I see what you're saying. Yeah... I see what you're saying. Yeah. I see what you're saying. If I was this kid's parents, I'd be like, hey, don't do this hot girl's homework. She's using you. But as his friend, I'm like, you know, use what you got.

You're good at something, and you're using it to get attention. Three-page essay, though? I think I see what you're saying. That's not very long. You have to draw the line because she's not very long. You have to draw the line. Because like she's not gonna actually, even though you

can justify it in your brain like that. Yeah. To the greater society and probably to this girl. She's like, she's taking advantage of him. She's like, oh look, I'm nice to Peter Brady and then he does my homework. He's a fucking loser. And all the other girls

who are ignoring you at least aren't abusing you and using you so they're your friends this girl's a demon bitch and i think you should be like fuck off i do my own homework you don't get to benefit from my brain but before you said uh in another podcast back in the day or maybe recently i can't believe you're gonna do this yeah i'm gonna just episode 43 like i have a fucking affidavit am i being cross-examined do you recall uh during episode 43 i believe you said would you read this transcript back to me i can have if it pleases the court if it pleases the court here i just want to please the court all i want to do is please you, court. Come on, court. Are you pleased?

Are you not pleased with this court? Everything I do, I do for you, court. Court, I'm begging you, court. Court. So, didn't you say if you hate someone, the best way to get back at them is to fuck them? Yes, I did say that. But he's not going to fuck this girl. But he might if he continues doing her homework.

That's not going to happen. No girl fucks the guy that does her homework. He's doing it without her fucking him. What you need to do, if you really, really want that, is to quit it cold turkey. She's going to miss it. She's going to be like, what do I need to do to get you to do the homework? And then you're like, well, it's nice when you talk to me, but it'd be real nice if you out-Frenched me. And then she says, excuse me, Peter Brady, that's solicitation. And then you say, what was it before, bitch? What was it before? It was a smile and a pat on the back, right?

Well, now I just upped the ante. To what? It's still solicitation, but now I want to be blown. If it pleases the court. It doesn't please the court. I don't think it's healthy for him to just do her homework. I think that's negative, bad. I think it's a downward spiral.

All right. I think this girl deserves to be fucked, but I don't think he's doing it the right way. If you were him, what would you do? Huh. If I were him, I would start smoking cigarettes. Very cool. Start going to the gym. Oh, tight. Buy like a Camaro or something.

Okay, so one really unhealthy thing, one healthy thing, and then wasting his money. Yeah. I would say the Camaro thing is neutral. Okay. But you got to become the coolest guy at school. At the very least, the coolest guy in an 80s high school my cool guy at high school yeah and then you don't actually have to smoke the cigarette just sort of roll them up in your sleeve so you got the pack there you can even use a deck of

cards what's your address i'd love to send you a jeans jacket you mean a denim jacket jeans the jacket made a jean so not a denim yeah it just actually made out of jeans jeans jacket two jeans yeah yeah sewn together to make two jeans for the price of fun uh i i do i think you should just stop doing our homework i think you i think you should surround yourself with positivity and this isn't positive she's asking you to do work for free and what you're getting is her company which isn't her doing She's asking you to do work for free, and what you're getting is her company, which isn't her doing any work. She's not actually bringing anything to the table.

It's a raw deal. She should appreciate you for you. That's very fucking optimistic. Yes. Very Brady bunch of you. It's sunny every day here in LA. Here's the fucking real cold hard truth. Bend over,

because I'm about to stick it in your ass like a suppository you're talking to this kid or me whatever because either way you're gonna shut up right now either way this is illegal all right go ahead give the kid a suppository keep doing her homework insane keep doing her homework that's the advantage you have her. This is when we need the follow-up pups. We should email this guy our actual email addresses and be like, we want to know what's going on in a month. Because we're giving opposite advice. I want to know who's he followed and how it works.

And then when you give her the homework, do it in a nice romantic way. Hey, let's go to the park and I can give it to you. Let's have dinner and I can discuss it with you. Suddenly, she's forced to go on dates with you. And like he said, maybe this way she'll grow to appreciate it more. She's going to give him the time of day that she wouldn't if he didn't have a great brain. And you know what? Girls can be attracted to a guy's brain. This guy's maybe not great looking or as he calls himself a loser and a dweeb, but he does have one thing going for him. He can write three-page papers that give girls a-mini.

Minus isn't that good? Yeah. Is that a 91? Well, you write three a-mini paper, and then suddenly you're... It's 91? Yeah, 91's great. I think you should start writing your papers that give her a B. Oh.

And then she's like, hey, this paper's pretty good. I only got a B. I'm like, well, I mean, I can get you the A. But you know what's weighing me down is two ounces of cum in my balls. Yeah. I'm suing you. Excuse me. I say stop doing your homework.

Amir says keep doing it. Let's see what happens. Please. Follow up. Follow up, Mr. Peter Brady. Let's get to one more question before the breaky break. Classic break. Hey, guys.

Oh, wait. We need a guy. Bobby? Greg. Greg Brady. Barry Williams writes. That's enough. Sorry.

Hey, guys. More specifically, Jake. What's up, what's up, what's up? Do you guys have any tips on pussy licking and fingering i need to maximize the pleasure for the recipient cheers turn off the podcast mom thanks love greg i need to uh yeah we get how oral sex works any advice that uh for oral sex that would actually uh maximize pleasure for the recipient. I'm okay taking a knee

or staying neutral in terms of pleasure. A sacrificial clam, if you will. Nice. Thank you. Mom, do turn off the podcast. I'm going to give you five full seconds because I know sometimes you're driving. So just keep your eyes on the road.

Find your phone. Even if you just just uh you know press the volume button till it's gone yeah maybe a few more seconds mom fade me out to black all right i love you yeah tell nanda that i said hello oh god don't talk about your grandfather right before your pussy eating tips all right now here's how works. I like how we're just stripping everything away at this point. Every question is sort of like how do I help attract someone of the other sex and then this guy's like

how do I eat a pussy? How can I eat a pussy good? And this is my time to shine. Yeah, I'm gonna just sit back relax and enjoy the ride. Alright, buddy. Here we go. This is what we're gonna do go Jake's taking off his pants There's I mean there's

I um there's a couple ways to do this Well is the advice the same for Cunnilingus and fingering Or do you have different advice for each I think well I guess it's similar advice across the board I'm just gonna tell you You wanna start out start out gently

I think you everybody everybody's different. So we're going to go down. We're going to use just your middle finger, okay? So you are above, you're on the man's pubis. This is so scientific. I think you're going to want to be, if you're lying down, try to use your dominant hand is what I'm saying. You want to get her flat on her

back so her legs can be uh spread comfortably so you're not like tearing a pubic hair or like fidgeting to try to find a hole you're gonna want to just go down middle finger uh past the pubic bone the pelvic bone um you're gonna hit the clit first with your middle finger. And just keep on going down. It should, at this point, if it's during foreplay, I'd imagine the vagina is wet. You might want to get a little bit of the moisture from the hole and sort of bring that up. Go to the well. Yeah, go to the well and bring water back to the town.

Exactly. That's exactly what it is. And once it's wet sufficiently, you're going to want to wet. Just make sure that there's some moisture on the labia, on the clitoris, and then you're going to enter slowly with just your middle finger. Enter. Oh, go back to the well. And I'm going to sort of – I wish this should be a video podcast.

Yeah. No, it should not. Touch the roof of the vagina. Just sort of massage that. And I would – If the vagina is a room, you want to hit the light bulb. Right. Perfect. Okay.

So this is where – I think that's how you should start it roughly every time. But now this is where the advice gets less specific. Everyone is different. So I think if you start off gently and slow, just see what's doing well, then you just go with that. So if you start speeding up a little bit and she enjoys that, then keep that up. But if she seems to enjoy more the slow aspect, then do that. If you feel like there's room and you want to put your ring finger in,

see if she likes that. Just try to feel her energy. So it's just based on her moaning. Yeah, her moaning, her breathing, or very subtle but like the stopping of moaning. Oh, that's bad. And like looking at her eyes maybe

they're shut but maybe you like see like a little discomfort and you're like oh not that anymore and then when you're going down on her i i think it's nice to keep your fingers in there i think it's nice to grip her thighs tightly uh and just massage the clit with your tongue uh-huh dip it to the well as you called it before sometimes you want to go even south and get a little crack in there you know what i'm saying um but also like you know play with your fingers in there i just just do what feels appropriate for her uh what do you what do you right now you're looking at your thumb or your middle finger and your ring finger as one right so these are this is sort

of like a little what would what would you call this what i'm doing right now like a dog puppet almost yeah yeah like a where the your index finger and pink pinky are ears yeah yeah yeah oh it's like the it's like the the rock yeah rock rock and roll yeah um i would just like kind of bring them in and out very slowly, twisting so your knuckles can kind of give a little bit of sensation to the vaginal opening. So you're almost treating your two fingers together as a flat, bumpy peen. Yeah. And essentially that's it. I do think you should massage the clit.

Yeah. think you should massage the clit yeah um i think girls like different ways of like you know some people like speed some type of people like it slow some people like it uh you know firmly press some people like it light it's just it really is just a matter of what she seems to like and i think it's fine if you don't nail it on the first time it's just if this is a vagina that you get to keep on re-entering, then time will prove you a master. Your turn. All right. Three bits of crushed ice underneath the tongue at all times just to keep your tongue cool and stiff.

Hell yeah. Stiff tongue. Yeah, like an icicle. And then you know how you do like a chicken head? Oh, yeah. Yeah, like a chicken neck. Like a woodiff tongue. Yeah, like an icicle. And then, you know how you do like a chicken head? Oh, yeah. Yeah, like a chicken neck. Like a woodpecker. Yeah, exactly.

So you're using your icicle tongue to sort of stab, not necessarily near the vagina. You should never say stab. But wherever. You're talking about a vagina. Don't ever. Yeah, stabbing's always bad. And if she says, ow, ow, ow, suddenly she's interested. Okay.

She's at the very least like because a lot of the time— When was the last time you ate someone out? I've never eaten someone out. I've eaten next to someone. No, I think, yeah, what Jake said sounds good to me. And we both agree those are our Jake and Amir's cunnilingus tips coming at you. Cunnilingus. Yeah.

Let's let that sink in and bleed into our break. Shows. Sorry, I can't stop thinking about the vagina you're pantomiming. Pretty cool. But we do have three shows coming up in Seattle, Portland, and San Francisco, and tickets are actually finally on sale. Yes. That's the most exciting part.

Oh, wait. Do you have the info? I have something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look up as much as you can. Okay. Seattle, Washington. You're going to be there.

You're just on Seattle's Wikipedia page. Great news, guys. Chief exports are, fuck. God damn it. Population. No. Founded in 18 Fuck. God damn it. Population. No. Founded in 1863, I think, by an Indian. Shit.

Shit, shit, shit, shit. Spokane, Washington. Seattle, Washington. We are performing at the Vera Project. The doors are at 7. The show's at 8. On what day? Thursday, April 24th.

Okay. Okay. Portland, Oregon. Yep. Hawthorne Theater. Ooh. Friday, April 24th. Okay. Okay. Portland, Oregon. Yep. Hawthorne Theater. Ooh. Friday, April 25th. Doors at 7, show at 8.

That'll be a fun drive from Seattle to Portland. Love that. Yeah. Lovely drive. San Francisco. Oh. California. Our first show.

Getting excited now. Yeah. San Francisco. What? California. Oh. The r Sean from Trishcraw. What? California. Oh. The rickshaw stop. Door Sunday, April 27th.

Sunday, April 27th. Doors at 730. Show at 8. So we're still, tickets are still available. These are not huge rooms, so get them while they're not. Get them while they're not. All of the ticketing and info is available at collegehumor.com slash chontour. Or at jakeandamir.com.

Oh, we hope to see you there. We're going to stick around and meet and take photos with every fan after the show who wants to stick around. Damn right. It's going to be awesome. Yeah, it'll be fun. It'll be good. It'll be great. Oh, and Streeter's going to be with us.

What? You didn't. Yeah. I didn't agree to that fucker coming on my tour. Your tour? My three-day fucking bender, dude. What are you talking about? I'm going on a three-day bender, man.

I don't even care if I perform or not. Of course you should care. Seattle, Portland, San Fransiski. That should be the only thing you care about. I'm getting frisky in San Fransiski. That should be the only thing you care about. I'm getting frisky in San Fransiski. And Portland? I think we need Moreland. Why?

Because Moreland is there for me to go around and drink at. Seattle, how about you go into a pee battle? I drank so much beer that I could piss for a year. I'm out. Well, we still have another question to get through. All right. Let's do it. Let's, please.

This is a good one. Our first female Brady name that we need. Can you name a female let's give it to alice the unsung hero of the brady bunch she wasn't part of the family but she was so close to everyone i think she all right she was basically considered a second mother i remember got it just read the question everyone is aware on this show of how much you love the Brady Bunch You said you named every actor who played each kid You named all of the characters up top except for the dog Yeah Alright, we get it

You love the Brady Bunch That's not good It's almost 1pm and you're in pajamas Yesterday you said it was 5pm and I was in pajamas Yeah, you said I was in the exact same pajamas Did you get out of pajamas all day? Oh, you went on a run. Yeah.

All right, good man. This coming from a man who ate McDonald's for dinner yesterday. That's not fair. Yeah. That is not fair. Suddenly, isn't it the pot calling the kettle unhealthy? Okay. You reached a rock bottom.

I didn't call you unhealthy. You called me lazy at the very least. I was stuck at the mall and I needed to eat. When I texted you and said, I was going to get a salad from a restaurant in Silver Lake, and you said, nah, I'm good,

I'm just going to chill at the mall. Had you already eaten McDonald's? I was on my way to eat McDonald's. Oh no, I think I had just eaten McDonald's. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I did. But you didn't want to tell me. No.

Because that would be admitting to reaching rock bottom. Yeah. Yeah. It was a sad moment for me. You said that you were hunched over eating your crispy chicken sandwich, shoveling fries in your mouth. And you said if a Jake and Amir fan walked up to you at that moment, you didn't know how you'd react. Yeah, I wouldn't say I wasn't me.

I would say I'm doing a video right now. That's another example of how you, the real human, is a lot like my character on the show in terms of really just poor eating habits. Essentially. Which you constantly say you're going to change but never do. I'm going to change it today. I'm actually eating healthy today. For breakfast, did you have anything other than an iced cream coffee and croissant, or is that what you had again? I had that for breakfast, but it's good to carb up in the beginning of the day. Not spend the rest of the day working it off, idiot.

Read the fucking question. Alice writes, Hey guys, here's my sitch. So I'm currently doing a study abroad semester in Paris, and I'm having a French-ass fun time. As much as y'all don't condone this sort of behavior, I've been dating the same guy since my freshman year of college, and we decided to do the whole long-distance thing while I'm away.

Currently, still no regrets, as most French guys are way too femme for me, and I really do love my boyfriend. Anyway, he's coming to visit me for a week in Europe, coinciding with our anniversary. Given the length of the trek he's making, and the anniversary, I feel compelled to give him the best fucking present imaginable. However, I'm still a college student blowing my parents' dimes on overpriced French food and can't really afford to break bank. I'm wondering if you guys could provide any suggestions for a really cool and thoughtful present in the $50 to $100 price range that most

any dude would enjoy and probably have use for. P.S. I'm also open to any suggestions for wild sexual fantasies I could fulfill as a bonus gift. But keep in mind, we're a seasoned couple who Interesting. So she's abroad. Her boy is coming to visit her on the anniversary and she doesn't know what gift to get him. She doesn't want to fuck up or get him something bad. Yes.

And she's down for a sexy bonus gift. Yeah. Which by the way, that's the gift. Yeah. The hat that you get him is... That's the bonus gift. Yeah. And also you can have anal again yeah that's that's a good gift that's the gift that keeps on giving feel free to re-gift it yeah that's fine yeah that's good all right so let's say let's just say uh anal and a sweater. Yeah. Perfect. Or an anal and a scarf.

Anal and shoes. Yeah, or two anals. That way you're getting anal and then one of the anal is a bonus gift. Morning anal followed by evening anal and in the middle you take them for a falafel. A single falafel ball. At one of those Parisian restaurants that are so good. Very European. Yeah, very hot, very chic, very French.

We're talking 12th of the month falafel or something like that. Here's the thing. Anniversaries are stressful, you said, because unlike birthdays, it's a duel. Yes. So it's like who can give the other person a gift? Right. it's competitive it's mean right it's not it's not a happy healthy positive experience for anyone it's like i'm gonna get you the better gift oh fuck you're gonna get me the better gift i gotta out gift you all right

fine well i'm gonna break rule and spend spend too much money and like then i then you're gonna give me a gift and i'm gonna feel bad that I didn't spend as much money and you're going to feel bad that you spent too much money. And it's just negative all around. It's bad. Anniversaries suck. Gifts are terrible. At least a birthday is like, I can stress about it alone and I don't have to worry about this.

Like it's not compounded by the fact that like, you're going to get me a gift too. Right. And like, whose is going to be better? Well, here's, girls are at a disadvantage in many ways in life. But one of the one of the advantages that they do have is that in for my money, in my world, in my thinking, this might be a gross overgeneralization. But here it is. Guys don't give a shit about gifts. I agree.

I concur. Guys will never get angry that you either gave them a bad gift or no gift at all. It doesn't matter to us in the slightest. I will go even further to say that in my perfect world, nobody gives or receives gifts. I don't like getting gifts. I don't like having to give gifts. Obviously, I'm not in a relationship right now. That's something I wouldn't feel comfortable saying if I had a girlfriend, but I think in an ideal world, you don't have to get me anything, and the greatest gift of all would be that I don't have to get you anything because there's so much pressure, and the gift

is never actually that worth it. Holidays too. Not a fan of gifts. I don't like giving gifts when Christmas or Hanukkah rolls around. I don't want to have to think about getting people presents. I often don't get people presents. People don't get me presents. And that's sort of my grumpy attitude on gift giving in general. Thoughts? You sound like a horrible person.

Yeah, I sound like a Scrooge a grinch if you will that's correct um and people have gotten mad at me because i've been like opened up a little bit like during a relationship like don't you wish like it would be nice to just like not give gifts yeah you can't that's not an attitude you love gifts it's yeah they like and it's not like because they want gifts they like look at this girl she likes giving gifts yeah yeah no i'm saying women are giving gifts as much as they love receiving gifts. Girls are just beautiful. Yeah.

And it's like I don't care about gifts. I don't even want stuff. Yeah. And like – but I like the idea of like – I'm a gift giver. I'm not necessarily like – I love thinking about like anniversary gifts. But I do think – I like to think about like anniversary gifts, but I do think I like to think about like, oh, what could I like pick up that would make this person happy?

Right. In my world, it's like whenever I give a gift, I'm just like, what can I get to not be in trouble after I give it? Right. Like if I get you this thing, you can't be mad at me, right? This is not a bad gift. That's the only emotion I'm looking to avoid. That's a hard place to come from.

Yeah. In terms of gifts, I'm the grumpiest. Right. I'm curmudgeonly. I'm a misanthrope. Yes, you are. There's a middle ground where I think this girl could just get him something. But the advice that we're giving is that it doesn't really matter. Yeah, guys, I feel like- He's coming there to see you. That's already going to be the best. Like have a nice anniversary where you guys just spend the day together. Yeah.

Have great sex. Go out to a nice meal. And like do not make it about like a big presentation of the gift. I think you should write him something. That's great. And if he gives you a gift, the best gift you can give him is to just be like, oh, my God, this is the best gift ever. This is amazing. Yes, that's what it is.

Yeah, just be happy and appreciative of whatever gift he gets you, whether it's good or bad. That's the best gift of all. Right, to not feel like you fucked up. Yeah, I feel like, I mean, I said it before, I would enter into a pact where nobody has to get me a gift. You actually say it all the time. Yeah, I've actually drafted a document. First dates, you have people sign it sometimes god why do i hate gifts it sounds like you you're nervous about getting a bad gift not getting a bad gift i mean sorry getting someone a bad gift giving giving someone a gift that's bad or like having too much meaning

put in a gift like oh why did you get me this? Are you saying that blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Right. But that's never actually happened to me. Because I always fucking break the bank and overcompensate. I've given someone a $9,500 gift. You bought your ex-ex-girlfriend a ticket to space on the Virgin Galactic. Yeah. And when she landed, I got her a Kia. That's right.

Yeah, a red Sorento. And she was actually hooking up with Richard Branson up there in Zero-G. But I couldn't get mad because it was part of her gift. Yeah, because she left the Earth's atmosphere, and there are no rules, no cheating boundaries, is what she said. In international space. Technically, when there's no gravity, there are no rules. That's right.

All right, that's all. Get him whatever the fuck you want. Exactly. It doesn't matter. But if Get him whatever the fuck you want. Exactly. It doesn't matter. But if you're a guy, oh shit. Yo. Dude.

You better fucking think more than twice about what you're doing. Think on that shit, baby. Yeah. That's a big one. It's a big deal. It's an anniversary.

What? Sorry. I didn't know what to say so I started saying, huh. Yeah. We're out of time. What can I say?

That's it. That's over. It's done with. We, we're out of time. What can I say? That's it. That's over. It's done with. We're still accepting theme song submissions. That email address again, if you have your own problem or your own theme song

is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. The first one was from a guy named Eric Striffler. And this last one is an entire two minute long

is it parody? Parody? Yeah, parody of hey there delilah that he rewrote to be a theme song for us great so uh stick around for that and that one's from jake jake from canada so yeah that's it thanks so much for listening to everybody we'll be back in a week, peace. This is a podcast by Jake and Amir. You'll laugh, you'll maybe even shed a tear. Oh yes, you will. They'll give relationship advice. It's not always nice.

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