Segments - 73: Horoscope

Episode Date: April 21, 2014

In this episode we discuss nicknames, sex buddies, and how to hit a woman. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com -- bit.ly/17DIXqW. The best, easiest, smartest way to build a website without knowing how to do anything! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey guys, good news. It's just me this week talking about the sponsorship. Good news for Jake, who... Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases,

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Ha ha ha, it's fair, it's good, it's fine. Let's talk about Squarespace. Squarespace.com. Now, what is Squarespace? Good question, Jake. Never mind, you're not here because you're on vacation, I guess. Anyway, shit flows downhill and it lands on me. All right, Squarespace.

Squarespace, Squarespace. What is Squarespace? Squarespace.com allows stupid people like me, like you, to build a website that looks very professionally done. So you know how it's hard to build websites, like you have to know things and be smart? Well, not anymore. Squarespace enables us idiots who have just really dumb ideas or, you know, ideas for portfolios, websites, online businesses, and allows us to make these website ideas a reality.

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dinosaurpoems.com, rugby-road.com, and raisingesperanza.org. You'll notice those are all dot coms or dot orgs because Squarespace allows for that too. So it's really an amazing offer. It's an amazing deal. It allows you to make awesome looking websites while still being cool enough to tell people that you don't know how to build a website. Seems like a win-win for me. What thinks you, Jake? Never mind. Alright, let's get started. Let's start this episode. I just heard it again since we recorded it, and I don't want to give too much away.

Let's just say the streak is still alive. Enjoy, y'all. If you want to enjoy my days, then lend me your ear right now Jake and Amir are funny And they'd like to help you out If I were you, if I were you If you want advice, I'll tell you what to do If I were you, if I were you If I were you The show starts now

Awesome. Very tight. Very tight. I love her. Our first three-time submitter. Oh my God. That's her third theme song. It's Audrey Scott of the band Sick C.

S-I-C-K-S-E-A. Like seasick, but the other way around. That's correct. She also sent along a URL for her band's website And we appreciated it Let's jump right into the show Whoa, you thought she sent it in just for us Yeah, it was great Now, how did

What? Maybe we should say what it is in case other Like that just in case This would be a great, yeah If we did everything just in case Then we'd never get the show done. What are you talking about? Come on, let's just start.

Are you afraid that it'll take away from you or in some like you have arrived? I don't want anyone. I don't. Yeah, I don't want to. I don't want to share attention. You really don't like spreading it around. Even if it's the Leo leo when i like to shine i'm kind of a horoscope junkie like that leo the mighty lion i have a feeling you just read your

horoscopes and change your life to match the horoscopes instead of the other way around yeah yeah usually do you like to shine because you're a leo or do you like to shine because that's people told you leos do i i just know that leos like attention. We're also a bit stubborn and more than anything though, we're loyal. You're just describing anybody. You're at least describing things that like, yeah, every person has facets of every horoscope, right? Well, I'm a Capricorn, so I'm sort of smart, a little bit stupid, bullheaded. I have friends, friends like me, and overall, I'm liked or I want to be liked. That sounds, yeah.

Wow, that sounds similar. I mean, I'm a Leo, but I feel like I share some of those Capricorn traits. Some of them, for sure. I.e., that I like to be liked. Yeah, it's not an exact science. Well, if you're an Aries, I would. that I like to be liked. Yeah, it's not an exact science. Well, if you're in Aries, I would say that would make sense too. Aries are often attention-seeking or

giving. Interesting. Or giving. Yeah, they often have friends or not. Are Capricorns and Leos compatible? They are. I wonder if sometimes our bullheadedness gets in each other's way. But at the end of the day, we sort of see past it. Yeah, because we know how to stroke each other's egos. Yeah. I think it's perfect. And it works out. I. Yeah, because we know how to stroke each other's egos.

Yeah. I think it's perfect. And it works out. I love you. I am actually going to say her band's URL. You're actually not going to say I love you back. That's what you're actually going to say. I said I love you, and you're going to say the band URL.

Go ahead. Cheers, buddy. Eight years of friendship. Down the fucking tubes. For what? Why did it go down the tubes? It's down the tubes. You didn't say I love you back. And the fucking tubes. For what? Why did it go down the tubes? It's down the tubes. You didn't say I love you back. And that's it.

You can't say it now. Every time. I'll tell you one thing. You've never said it first. Whether or not you say it back, you've definitely never said it first. Well, I feel like I'm in a stuck place right now. Yeah. Yeah.

You think you're stuck. What do you think I feel? I feel trapped i feel i feel abandoned as a leo as a leo i really need affection and attention and i'm pretty stubborn about getting it i i hate feeling stuck it's like when someone calls you out for not doing something and then i'm like so i can't do it now even if i i'm done so are you gonna get me something or you didn't get me anything. Oh, should I get?

No, don't get me anything now. Okay, well, then I'm done, I guess. So we're all screwed. Checkmate, I guess it is. 6c.bandcamp.com 6c.bandcamp.com All right. The show is If I Were You,

the only advice podcast on the internet Hosted by us I'm Jake I'm Amir Feels good Feels right Feels tight And I feel light

Why? Because I'm happy You've been eating less That's why No Yeah You've been eating healthier I have been eating healthier

Right Yeah How does it feel? During the meals it feels worse But after the meals it feels better Yes No. Yeah. You've been eating healthier. I have been eating healthier. Right. Yeah. I mean, how does it feel? During the meals, it feels worse, but after the meals, it feels better. Yes. But the after meal lasts 91 or 98% of your day. So you might as well feel better for those times. I also like, I never ever cook.

So the other day we went to Trader Joe's and I spent like $70 on groceries. I came back. Well, to be fair half of that was whiskey right oh that's true we did buy two bottles of whiskey so you spent 30 on groceries got it 40 on whiskey that's enough i have a problem but i made myself like the simplest salad it was like kale and whatever but i was so like i was so proud of myself. So just the sense of, not even just happiness and eating, but preparing a meal,

even though it was the easiest meal in the world, I was like, this is amazing. Because I did it. I'm a chef now. Yeah. I'm a chef for this. I was able to put the things into one bowl. I cut a tomato.

Myself. Yeah. Sure, I cut myself a little bit, but overall, I cut the tomato It was mostly fine Well I sort of Mashed it into Clumps

And I had Amir Cut the rest of it But I feel like And then I cried And went to McDonald's But that's the pride That's the pride That tastes so good

Even when you're eating Your shitty ass salad That's true What was I gonna say Oh yeah The way the podcast works We get emails From real people In real difficult places.

And the email address, if you find yourself in one, is ifireashowatgmail.com. We comb through the submissions and do our best to advise some people out of their sticky places. Let's give these real emails fake names to preserve their anonymity and get started. Good idea. I totally didn't think of a theme. Oh, Snapdragon. Let's do Wayans Brothers. Wow.

Yeah. That's good. Thank you. You're good on the spot. Good on the spot. That's why I don't like to think about it beforehand. Good in a fix. Yeah.

A pinch. A pinch. A pinch. So Damon Wayans writes. That's kind of a cool nickname a fix. Yeah. A pinch. A pinch. So Damon Wands writes. That's kind of a cool nickname for me. The pinch? Oh, yeah. But the pinch is the bad place.

Yeah, but like I shine in the pinch. So they're like, yeah, like if you're in a pinch, that's what you want. You got to get the pincher in. Yeah. Pinch is cool. The pinch. Pinchy the pinch. Pinch money money.

I'm not going to do that. Okay. I'm not going to call you that. You don't have to. Okay. I put it out there in the world right now. Everybody listen to the podcast. Y'all can call me the pinch. Okay. pinch money money i'm not gonna do that okay i'm not gonna call you you don't have to okay i put it out there in the world right now everybody listen to the podcast y'all can call me the pinch okay that's definitely gonna start now you gotta just ask the pinch baby whether you like it or not that's it now i like it right now remember the fate dupes uh went through also did j wits

remember when i made my everyone called me-Wits a couple years ago? Yeah, and that stuck. Yeah, it stuck for a bit. Alright, here we go. Damon Wayans writes, Dear Jake and Amir, aka the Pinch and Amir. Nice. Having gone for after work drinks that ended up

stretching into a full Dave Rosenberg night of debauchery, I very vaguely remember punching a guy for no real reason. At the time, I was pretty sure he had punched me earlier in the night, but in hindsight, I don't think he did. Luckily, I'm really bad at punching, and I'm sure he was okay. I do feel very ashamed of it, though. Anyway, I was on this night out with some colleagues from work, all senior to me.

Since I punched the guy and then just walked out of the club i left i have no idea if these colleagues even saw it happen it is now monday morning and so far nobody has said anything about it but i'm pretty paranoid do i just keep quiet or should i somehow try to find out if they saw it happen and will forever hold it against me thanks damon waynes damon that's really tough so this guy's a bad guy he oh because he threw a punch yeah that's someone who didn't deserve it yeah if this if this happened to a friend of mine i would like this guy but this guy's so funny in the email that i think that he's a nice guy uh he punched someone in the face and he wants to know if he uh should explain to his co-workers what happened yeah i guess

well here's the it really did write a charming email if i heard the story from the guy he punched yeah i was just at the bar and somebody came over and punched me and then left. I'd be like, that guy's an asshole. But this guy's like, he wrote a good email. As long as you can write a good email, I forgive you. Which bodes well for this guy in this situation. Let me just say, I think every time you do something embarrassing when you're drunk, part of you is like, maybe no one saw, maybe no one noticed. That's never the case.

You hope someone saw? No, you maybe no one saw maybe no one noticed that's never the case someone you hope someone saw or no you like you hope no one saw but like almost every time at least one person saw like it's every time you get wasted especially if you're that wasted people are watching you someone's gonna remember and someone even if like most people didn't see it's out there someone they know i love that it was a weak punch because he's not good at punching and then he just left the club oh god at least you should have knocked the guy out because then people would be like whoa whoa damon has fucking strength damn he's strong what do you do i think you've got to come out in front of it you have to make it funny you have to go be like you have to go up to somebody and be like did i punch someone the other night that's

that's so ridiculous and then maybe you can throw in like i think he punched me earlier in the night it seems weird to just be like to be mum about it yeah because then everyone might be talking about it behind your back right i think you seem crazy and weird if you throw a punch and then never bring it up it seems like you're an alcoholic or a violent which you seems like yeah yeah, you are a violent. You're a violent alcoholic. He's probably a, what's another horoscope sign? Oh, he's, this guy's got to be a Sagittarius. Yeah, he's classic Sagittarius. Uh-huh, because he'll want to grab and tear your tits.

Yeah. Nice. Thank you. I'm sort of good at coming up with rhymes on the spot. They can call me the spot. Don't just, don't muddle up the nickname. Okay, yeah, you're right. All right, sorry, sorry, sorry.

That's classic The Pinch right there. Sometimes The Pinch gets ahead of himself. Yeah. The Spot wouldn't do that. No, no, no. That was Vintage Pinch. The Spot shines on The Spot, but The Pinch, whoo. The Pinch, it's a cinch to get ahead of the pinch.

You know what I mean? I don't. I never know. Here's what you should do to this guy. Walk up to the coworker that you are the closest with and then like hold your hand and be like, oh, my hand really hurts. Did you like see anything that happened that night that would be like, that would give me a reason to think that my hand really hurts? And he's like, no, I have no idea what you're talking about. Then it's okay, nobody knows.

But if he's like, I think you punched someone, then you could say, oh yeah, this guy punched him back, or you make up a noble reason. Like, I saw this guy harassing his girlfriend in line at the bathroom line, or like yelling at a girl, and I guess like in the back of my drunken head, I just had to come to her rescue and I punched this guy that's mildly smart yeah i see i think you're oddly smart is how i like to live my life that's that's classic capricorn right there sometimes smart sometimes dumb i think you are right you should do some investigative work uh with somebody who is close to the company even if you were only

out with senior people maybe you have like a friend who could find out like hey how was last friday like oh i can damon punch some unsuspecting bloke in the face yeah then he walked out and then you do but i think no matter what happens like do the investigative work or talk to it talk to just like straight up ask someone but you got to make it like kind of funny i don't think you could be like, yeah, I punched her for a noble cause because then everyone sees through it. They think you're a weird liar.

You have to be like, that was crazy. That was so stupid of me. Be open to being made fun of. Yeah, but there's still an air of mystery about you because you did punch someone in the face, which is something not a lot of people would have the courage to do, drunk or otherwise.

There you go. Uh, let's, let's use this hitting theme as a segue to question number two, uh, which actually comes from, uh, comes to us from Keenan Ivory Wayans. Whoa. Yeah. That's amazing. The only, the only Wayans brother bold enough to have a middle name Ivory, uh, and use it like it was his decision as an infant.

Yeah. I decide. I'm Keenan Ivory. All right. Keenan Ivory Ruanez writes, on the topic of hitting, Hey guys, love the podcast, but I seem to be in a bit of a pickle.

So I started hooking up with this girl, and when she was drunk texting me a while back, she told me that she likes to be hit. Playfully, obviously, even just while kissing. How do I do this? How hard when I do hit? And where do I hit her? Or should I just not?

I don't even need the advice so much. I could probably get what info I need from a public blast if you want. Love from Canada. Yours truly, Kenan Ivory Wayans. Oh, I see. He's just ready for a public blast. Yeah. But I don't think, I don't really have much to blast him on. Yeah, he was, he seems to be in a classic predicament. Yeah. Which is girls wanting you to do something painful to them. Because you were, you're raised in a society where that's considered a hundred percent carte blanche wrong. And then this girl's giving you an opening and you don't know whether to take it.

Is it a trap? Is it real? An opening. Like you've always wanted to hurt a woman. Don't miss your chance here, bud. In this dark, dark cave, you see a small crack and some light shining through. Holy shit. You've got to punch your way through the wall.

It's an opening. It is kind of... Have you ever had a lady want to do that um hit her i guess like being spanked or like choked yeah and like people there's like hair pulling and that stuff like little pain for pleasure points yeah never like straight up like hit what does it mean even while kissing that seems to be kind of extreme and different yeah that's just making out with someone she wants you to like uh slap her across the face punch her in the sternum that's so like i just want you to hit me just gives her a dead arm ow ow you dick i meant in a sexy way he just not like i farted and didn't call safety he kicks her calf is this oh it ow slapping her straight forward on

the nose that's the most painful way to be slapped just like getting your nose jammed yeah like a dog who shouldn't have pooped inside i think you you're right to just, I think if you're comfortable trying it, I would say you don't just like wind up and slap someone. You've got to like, I think you kind of have to be very clear. She's got to give you explicit directions. And you start off light. You slap her. And if she says harder.

Slap her is pretty extreme. I mean, that's what she wants. She's like, slap me in the face. Fler flick her forehead maybe no that's a little bit you gotta like like this okay actually i'm fucking around from that i think just like a little like while she's riding you you slap her across the face mom i'm sorry i won't talk about this long don't even turn it down totally fine so you slap her across the face when she's riding you and if she's like that's great then good and if so and like if she's like harder then just go a little harder until she says that's good but also i will say that if you're like really not comfortable slapping her and it doesn't turn you on then you kind of have to be

like i will try it for you but that's like not going to get me off you know well it's got to be a mutually beneficial experience well that's the thing do you how much of it do you just sacrifice for yourself if she likes it more than you hate it you almost have to do it i but like i feel like sex is so difficult that if somebody gives you a clue then it's like oh maybe i should take advantage of it as much as i can that's true but like also if you know that she likes this, you don't have to be slapping her every time because fetishes, you don't really necessarily want to be... They're supposed to be special. So slap her on your anniversary

or slap her after you guys had a really nice date. I'm just not even kissing. Yeah, just punch her in the gut on her birthday. I'm kidding. I don't condone hitting women unless they really, really, really like it. Isn't that like some

shitty hick bumper sticker? I don't hit a woman unless she deserves it. Oh, God. I would not hit a woman unless she asked me to do it. This is my bumper sticker. I would not hit a woman unless she asked me to do it. And even then, I would do it so softly as to borderline insult her. This is my bumper. I would not hit a woman unless she asked me to do it. And even then I would do it so softly as to borderline insult her.

This is your bumper sticker? Yes. It's a really, really nice bumper sticker. It's the pinch. It's not even a rectangle. It's a full square. It's just the bumper of my car. I would never, never hit a girl unless she wants it.

So the answer is talk to her about it. See exactly what she wants and then do it if you're cool with it, but not all the time. This is also part of your bumper sticker. Dude, you got to stop making bumper stickers. A lot of them are just like general life advice. They're long. They're weird. I do shitty shit shit at it.

I really is. Get a new job. Okay. You can't talk. It's not easy to get a new job. I know, but this one, you're so bad bad at it i'm in a bit of a pinch oh shit the pitch has been summoned and what does he say uh i got an idea for a bumper sticker yeah um the pitch and a pitch is not quite the guy you wanted him to be he's a grinch captain clutch uh all right question the three uh oh this one's from a lady luckily there's a female

wands and her name is kim wands really i didn't know that cool uh all right kim wanes writes this is good every question sort of transitions from one to the other first one was about hitting second one was about hitting women this third one is about a woman in a sticky situation and it goes a little something like this i'm involved in a fuck buddy relationship with a guy from work he's a great fuck buddy because I would never date him, but he turns me on like crazy. There's just one problem. He's yet to give me an orgasm or even really try to. The first time we hooked up, he texted the next day and apologized. The second time, he was hungover and kind of mentioned it after. And now the third time, he didn't mention it at all. He

went down on me for a couple minutes the second time, he didn't mention it at all. He went down on me for a couple minutes the second time, but not long enough to get me close. I'm not really sure how to address this. In a relationship, I would just bring it up and talk about it. I thought it was common courtesy that the lady gets to come first, but I guess not. Do I put his hand down my pants, my preferred way to get off, and see what happens? Announce that I'm coming first next time I go over. Text him that I want him to get me off. Help. Please don't advise me to drop him.

It's tough to find a good fuck buddy you can trust. Turns you on and that you don't want to actually date. Thanks. Kim Wayans. All right, Kim. I will say that you haven't found a good fuck buddy because he doesn't get you off. He's found a good fuck buddy because you get him off and then don't say anything.

That's not good for you. I don't think it's good for him. I think everybody like he's not, he can't possibly be such an asshole that he like actively doesn't want you to come. He might, he might not give a shit i guess but i think that like any dude if you're like i want you to make me come they're like they want

to rise to that occasion yeah because it's like an accomplishment yeah it's a success right every every dude has like too big of an ego to be like okay with not getting their girl off that's insane at least i think right yeah i think that's a point of pride. Right. So all that being said, I think you should just tell him because I'm sure he wants to get you off. Maybe you just like,

after he couldn't the first time and the second time and then the third time he didn't, he's like just starting to feel insecure about it. So you should tell him that it's fine that he hasn't and maybe tell him how to do it and then it's going to be a much better fuck buddy situation. It is weird that she's like, he's the perfect fuck buddy except for the fact

that he's never given me an orgasm and he sort of makes me do it and then he leaves. That's not a good fuck buddy at all. And then how does he turn it? He really turns me on. Maybe he's good looking. Maybe he's funny. Oh.

So that's all you need. Well, then you also should be able to follow through and make your girl come. I really think that you've got to be able to make them come. If you're just funny and smart and sexy. That doesn't make people have an orgasm. Even if you're not sexy. If you're just funny and smart. Okay.

You turn girls on. Oh, God. You're saying this in a mirror. I'm staring at myself. I'm not being dapper. And even if you're not that smart, as long as you're funny, it'll turn girls on. And if you're only funny half the time, then at least you have cool glasses. All you need is cool glasses.

There's a razor blade in your other hand just trembling. A full head of hair. Every single day, you shake in front of the mirror and i wonder why um yeah i don't know i mean it seems like well her there are three questions where do i just put his hands down my pants or announce that i'm coming first next time i go over or text him that i want him to get me off you don't have to text him that you want it uh you can do that in person you don't have to announce that i'm coming first next time i'm coming over because that may make him feel bad i think the best the the put his hands down my pants might be the best of those three options and i will like if he starts doing something or if you put your hand his hand down your pants just like even saying something like oh that's

gonna make me come yeah you can turn it it's like, oh, that's going to make me cum. Yeah. You can turn it. It's hot. Like that's what you want to hear. Not like, hey, look, you aren't making me cum and you have to. Then he's like, oh, this is weird. Yeah, that's a negative thing.

Right. You make it sexy. Don't say, I want you to make me cum. Just ask for the thing that will make you cum. And then be loud and vocal about it. And, and yeah give him that positive feedback that's like i'm gonna come i'm gonna come and then you know hopefully you put it out there in the universe and uh and you will he still retracts but that's also like it sounds like they've only had sex three times and i don't i think it's fine to like get into, you know, you're going to get to know each other's bodies.

Guys are, I don't know if this is like taboo to say, but we're very simple. Like enough friction on our dick makes it come. Yeah, it's true. Like every woman is a different puzzle and every guy is like very, is a very simple puzzle. Right. If you. There's three pieces. If you touch this part, we'll orgasm.

If you do it, this will be good. But then for girls, it's like, oh, I don't like this. I like this. I don't like this. I know it's hard. Sometimes I like this. Sometimes I need this. Sometimes I need this.

Yeah, but he'll get to, if you guys keep this up, if you do think he's going to be a good fuck buddy, then you guys could get to know each other. Then that sex is going to be mind blowing. And then you're going to get into the other then that's that's gonna be mind-blowing and then you're gonna get into the problem you're gonna be writing to us and you're like oh shit i fell for my fuck buddy because he fucks me like no one else i don't think i've ever had just a fuck buddy like uh oh it's 2 a.m and i'd like to have sex now i'm gonna text this fuck buddy yeah you should try that that sounds like it would be healthy for you. Yeah, I guess. I guess I should try it.

I should try to find someone that wants to just bone me platonically. That'd be dope. Yeah. Have you ever had a reoccurring fuck buddy? Yeah. Where like, oh, at the end of the night, we both didn't do well, so let's pleasure each other? Yeah, I feel like I've had like nine of them at once right but my entire life is a series of rotating fuck buddies but do

you ever have like a reoccur i feel like you just have a lady that you do that with once or twice oh yeah that's true maybe i think like fuck buddy implies that there's a relationship definitely not one that lasted like more than a month or two. Right. Two months is max. And then it's like, because I think that that's pretty common though. Like you start, people start to get feelings for people when you fuck too much. Right.

Which is like jealousy. Like you don't want them to fuck other people. Yeah. And you like, you know, you have enough like conversations between sex sessions and you're like, oh shit i like get to know this person i remember i used to be like someone would start telling me about their job like yeah well we easy does it here don't tell me about your job like don't tell me about your family don't tell me about work we are talking about tv and that's it tv or dumber

please you have a you have a scale relax. I want to stay out of this zone. Family, friends, religion, love. I ain't trying to get to know anybody. You know what I'm saying? Because I don't even know myself. Because I'm afraid to get to know myself. I'm afraid of what I'll find out. Yo, the pinch is a locked box.

It's a locked box. I'm too scared to even open it myself. I fear what's inside. It is a dark, scary room up there. I am a man in my own attic. I am trapped and I don't want to get out. My biggest fear is that I open the box and inside, uh-oh, all of my fears are confirmed. It is empty indeed. I am a hollow shell of nothing. I am a ghost man. I am a coward and a loser. I have no opinions about anything. I only change my mind.

Please do not come rescue me out of this attic. I don't want anyone to access it. Not you, not me, not my parents, not no one, not ever. I don't let anyone in because then they'll see that I am no one. I don't want to give someone an empty box as a gift for they'll open it and be disappointed that empty box is me and that nothingness is my life. Kanye West crying. I'm all alone. It's what you do when you're a sad sad hand yeah you wear uh break time let's break it up break it up break it up

break it up break it break it up break it break it up break it down uh this episode's gonna come out on april 21st which means we're on tour this week holy fuck in seattle portland and san francisco who's coming out we'll wait till you email us let's wait come hang y'all gotta come hang nothing yet nothing y'all you know what we're recording this ahead of time so people aren't gonna email us the answer to this question. Shit. Yeah.

That's sort of how it works. Yeah. I don't know if there's anything else to talk about. Gosh. Oh, we have a live podcast in Los Angeles. That's why we're not doing a show in LA. We were saving it to do another live podcast. I don't know if it's been announced yet, but we'll just say May 31st at the Hollywood Improv.

Is it definitely then? if it's not i'll edit this part out how i can look at my calendar right now all right uh so that'll be a fun time we uh we like to mix up the the live shows with the the live podcast that way people uh people get sick of us as soon as i love the way you're stalling because I've clicked on three different apps that were not my calendar by accident. You just opened up TripIt. Live podcast, 31. Really? May 31st. May 31, 531, baby. Hollywood Improv?

Hollywood Improv. All right. Nailed it. I didn't even have to stall at all. All right. Should we get to one last question? Let's do it. Question the fourth. Ooh, this one's's interesting it's from another dude marlon waynes marlon marlon waynes writes what's up yo i have a problem with my girlfriend that is we recently broke up and got back together not too long ago the reason we ended it last time

was because i was feeling used and honestly felt like I was being taken for granted. She took the breakup really hard during that three to four month period. I feel like she realized that she messed up. She asked for a second chance, so I gave it to her. Everyone deserves a second chance, right? Well, here's the situation. Once we got back together, everything was great. We were feeling better than ever.

But now, I feel like she's going back to her ungrateful and complaining ways. It's really annoying, and I've had enough of it already. She always says that I don't do anything nice for her, and that I've never done anything romantic for her, which is completely false. I do so much for her, and she just doesn't seem to realize it. I love her so much, and I hate to see her so sad, but I know when enough is enough. I try so hard to make her realize the good in life

and how happiness is key, but it seems to go through one ear and out the other. So my question is, should I leave her again for my own benefit or keep having to help her realize how good we have it together? I know it's really up to me but i just want to know what y'all would do thanks marlon waynes i just want to know we got it so good yeah everything's perfect if we could just stop fighting and stop hating each

other it would be great if she realized how nice I was and stopped fucking bitching and complaining all the time. Baby, we got it so good. You're just ungrateful and I'm not romantic. But it's great. Oh, should I stay with her even though I don't like her until she realizes that? I think you're trapped in a negative space and you're sort of romanticizing the old version of your relationships, maybe the honeymoon period. I think it's a problem to constantly be analyzing your happiness. And when you break up with someone and get back together,

you're always looking at the relationship through this lens of like, is it better? Are we doing okay? Have I done enough? Have you done enough? And just don't think about it like that. Just fucking be nice to each other. You don't have to be romantic all the time don't whisk her away she doesn't have like and don't do things because you want her to be grateful you would just do things because they're nice yeah whether whether you are being nice or are being romantic it almost doesn't matter because the fact is she doesn't think so so either you're

not pleasing her enough and it's a bad relationship or you are and it's a bad relationship because she doesn't realize it. Also, they broke up for three to four months and came back together and everything was fine for a little bit, which is how it works. You just restart the honeymoon period over again and then it ends up being bad again. Yeah, it sounds like you guys might be in a bad relationship. But I will just say that I don't think you have to don't do anything like and sort of expect a response like i'm gonna take her out to dinner and she better say that's romantic just like fucking well that's one of the things i was talking about at the front of the episode where it's like i hate when people say that you haven't done something and then you're trapped like if

someone's like you just don't do anything romantic anymore and then you can't just be like the next day hey let's go on to a nice vacation you're only doing that because i told you i know i guess so yes why did you tell me then well no you know what you do there you just like hit him with some honesty be like yeah you know what you told me that i don't do anything romantic so i searched myself and i decided she's right i'm gonna do something romantic and here we are yeah i appreciate that you told me that I don't because it made me analyze. You're only doing it because I brought it up. You're right. I am doing it.

I wish you would do it without me coaxing it out of you. And you know what, baby? I think we're going to grow to that. But right now, this just happened yesterday. Yeah. This is my response to it. Yeah. And why don't you say it first this time?

Okay. Say what? I like you a lot. Fuck you, dude. You know that was outside of the bit. All right. That's our show. What?

Why? That's our fucking show. From that? That's our web show. That's our web series. That's our podcast. That's our live tour, everybody. Fine.

No, no, no. I love you. You fucking just said that because I told you to. Yeah, dude. That's how it works. Is this, what do we, is this, do we, is it over? I'm not saying like break up with her or don't. I feel like, well, I guess that's what he wants.

I think if you, you have to search your heart. Oh, that's nice. You do you. Yo do you. Yeah. And if you're like, I want to give this girl another chance, you have to go into it with a much more open mind and not, not, not have these experiences sort of like trying to predict her reaction. Because that's, you're projecting.

Just be yourself and be nice. But if you think that, I mean. Break it up. Break it up. Break it up. My advice to anyone that's broken up before is to keep it broken i know it is i'm uh i'm a black and white type of dude you know a capricorn i guess i'm a hopeless romantic yeah look into your heart no keyword hopeless look into your fart and let her know

at the last minute tell her to close her eyes, and you're going to give her a present. And when she does close her eyes, you get that anus so close to her nostril, your hairs, your fucking dingleberries are tickling her nostrils. Coward. Asshole. Tickling her nose as you fucking let one rip. Prankster. What was that? That was the sound of one hand fapping.

Then you start jangling. You can't because she's in the room you're fucking limp as a dummy a crash test dummy she can't do anything about it she's like what is happening right now you say long story short sweetheart this ain't gonna happen it's over between you and me what you smell like shit your dick's flaccid i know know. Yeah, I say, it sounds like this guy wants to break up with her, but the only reason he isn't is because, he said, should I leave her for my own benefit or keep trying to help her realize how good we have it together? Right, yeah. It sounds like you're coming from, you have an aggressive attitude towards it right now. So if you're going to stay in the relationship, at least get a little more zen, get a little more like. Chill. Yeah. Yeah. Do some do some yoga you know i'm saying but otherwise yeah maybe you got a cut and run yeah that's

what's up maybe it's all done and then next time don't don't take her back because she already had her second chance there you go and uh i'd love to hear the story from this girl's perspective yeah so if uh you want to tell her that you wrote it to the podcast, have her write to us too. We'd love to interview her for close to what will seem like six hours, but even longer than that, and just split it up into 25 different podcasts interview with this guy's girlfriend. Terrible idea.

Yeah, that's it. That's our show. That's our time. Email address. Once again, if you find yourself in a sticky situation is a fire, you show at gmail.com.

If you have a theme song like Audrey Scott of the band succeeded to open our show, Once again, if you find yourself in a sticky situation, it's ifireyoushowatgmail.com. If you have a theme song like Audrey Scott of the band 6C did to open our show, you can send that to that same email address, ifireyoushowatgmail.com. And this last theme song is from our fan named Lisa in Canada. So thanks to Lisa from Canada, and thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back in a week. Da-da-da-da-da-da. If you're feeling stuck and you don't know what to do Jake and Amir

will take care of you So email them when you're in deep shit They'll only make fun of you a little bit Jake will say yo to you But keep in mind he got himself a butterfly tattoo So maybe listen to him here, he's the smarter Jew. And he'll be a texting Casanova in another week or two.

Yeah, email if I were you, show at gmail.com and if it gets raunchy please turn down the podcast shit you're my bitch and you're god damn dumb but you don't need to hear about

Jake's possible STIs yeah these guys will handle every single plight. Yeah, this right here is the best advice given. To that I say, all right, all right, all right. To that I say just keep living just keep

living