Segments - 74: Ladies Night

Episode Date: April 28, 2014

In this episode we discuss crushes, pronunciation, and calling out the wrong person's name in bed. This episode is brought to you by CombatGent.com -- Tailored suits starting at $160! Use coupon code "jakeandamir" and get a free tie with any purchase: bit.ly/1ezhbTN See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, Jake, what would you say makes a man? Oh, my God. Read the script, you idiot. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast. We're here to help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door.

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I, you know. Do you know an alternative? Oh, boy, do I. Yeah, so do I. And it's called combatgent.com. Dot com. Okay. Combatgent. No, no, no. Combatgent. G. Dot-a-com. Okay. Combat-y gent.

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It's good money That's right Too much Sometimes Hundreds Thousands of dollars even Well Combatgent.com has suits

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that price? You can't beat that price. Can it beat it? I need you to just think about something else while I finish the ad. I know. I think. And I appreciate that. Okay. And how can we make things even better than that? If you do buy a suit from Combat Gent with our coupon code, please forward us that receipt

to ifireyoushow at gmail.com and we'll thank you personally on this ad. For example. Boom. Thank you so much to Nathan C. Luke B. Daniel G. Michael R. Sean T.

And Ryan L. For hooking them up royal. Royal. The last time we pimped out Combat Gents. So, once again, awesome suits, high quality, low prices, CombatGent.com. Not a huge advertiser, so if you're a dude in the market for a suit, or if you're just looking to upgrade your current suit collection, please, at least check them out. Mucho apreciado. Let's do that again. I know, I think check them out. Mucho apreciado.

Let's do that again. I know, I think we're out of time. I was sloppy during it. No, you were not, dude. I didn't think it was going to come through that I was sloppy. I don't think so. You think I'm just in my head? Like I was pretty good?

I think it'll read as a joke. All right, great. Cool. So let's start this episode. Fortunately, the streak is still alive things continue to get real and i really think you guys will like this one so please let's just freaking get started mother fucker lost. Maybe you just spoke some hard words. These fellas just might share their thoughts. They could be wise. They could

be mean. No one gives advice better than this epic team. And then, oh sheesh y'all, t'was a dream. It might not be as crazy as it seems. Empower you. Empower you. It's time for some advice from these two Jews. Empower you. it seems. If I were you, if I were you,

it's time for some advice from these two Jews. If I were you, if I were you, well, take it from me, this is your cue. All right. Very nice.

That was like a Western. Yeah. Yeah, like the opening titles to a Western. I know. Maybe I'm on a burrow and you're leading me. Relax. You're leading me on a donkey ride through. You're on a burrow?

Let's say. A burrow? A burrow. A burrow? Yeah, I'm on a burrow and you're leading me. Where? Across Southeastern Asia. That's not a western.

It's west of Hawaii. Yeah. This is my pitch. I brought a record player to a movie producer's house. I played that song. And just as you said, we're in Southeast Asia. It screeched to a halt. You said Southeast Asia, so not even a western part of Asia.

No, yeah. In what sense is this a western? Well, it's a spaghetti western themed seven hour... How did you get into my house? What? How did you get into my house? Your window is open, sir. I'm a movie producer.

I guess it was warm in here. You cracked open a window. I should have never done that. And I shoved in the mega what's the uh you're under arrest it doesn't matter what the word is okay i guess fine jesus christ i need to get bailed out of jail uh that theme song was written by and recorded by and sung by one man named danny wild card he sounds like he's from the west yeah wild west danny wild card i okay i'm back on board well his real name is danny schlotzberg

wild card is that true no i don't know that'd be amazing uh hey this is if i were you the only advice podcast on the internet i'm josh okay you you dropped the gun there hosted by us i'm josh and i am jake no vance oh yeah yeah i'm vance today i like vance vance is sort of actually wait what the only vice podcast on the internet hosted by us us. I'm Vance. Oh, dude. What the fuck was that? It's really chill. You shouldn't have come up with something so chill. Just kidding.

Yo, I'm the pinch. This is Vance and the pinch coming at you live. This is slowly morphing into a morning drive time radio show. Uh-oh, it's Vance and the pinch. It's Vance in the pinch. It's Vance in the pinch. Let us tell you in advance that we can get you out of a pinch. Nice. Thank you.

So how does it work? People are in difficult places. They need advice. They come to us, as the theme song suggested, and they email us at ifirewshow at gmail.com. You can do it too. We read them all and try to help a couple people out every episode. What can we say?

I don't know. Oh, today's going to be special. Why? We found emails from four ladies. What's special about women? What? What's special about women? I can't tell if you're being sexist or if you're trying to put me on blast for

being sexist all of a sudden neither can i the tables have turned off completely around and we're back to where we started holy shit i'm a hero all of a sudden uh well yeah i don't know this is ladies night is ladies night special i. I, for one, love my mother. There. No one loves their mother more than I do. No one loves your mom more than I do. She's more than a saint. She's a god.

I love you, mom. Did you say you love my mother? I do, but it was sort of a joke. Okay. No one loves your mother more than I. She does it. Actually, your mother more than I. Easy does it. Actually, your mom really likes me. Yeah, not as much as she likes me.

I'm her fucking son. Yeah, but she likes you by default. She chose to like me. Okay. She has to like you, and she chooses to like me. It means more that she likes me than she likes you. Not true. Sure it is.

She loves me more. Only because she's hung out with you more yeah and because i i fucking came out of her dude i grew inside of her fucking stomach so i'm pretty sure she likes me a little bit more i'm happy you came to my house for vacation but i sucked on her teeth jesus for like two years you're talking about 2012 right uh all right let's get let's uh let's uh let's uh let's uh let's uh let's uh let's uh let's uh let's uh let's uh let's uh let's uh let's uh let's uh let's uh let's uh let's. Oh shit, there's a carbon monoxide in here. Let's, let's, let's. Holy shit, I'm dead in this movie producer's house. All right. These are real emails from real people.

We're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. Somebody called me out for saying anonymity instead of anonymity. I still don't even understand the difference. It's such a small, subtle. Fuck you for pointing that out, man. An the word yeah you're supposed i guess you're supposed to say anonymity and i'm saying anonymity which i think is clearer right it's just about being clear not necessarily about pronouncing it yeah it's more about like we are doing this to preserve their anonymity right anonymity yeah that's the way you to preserve their anonymity. Right.

Anonymity. Yeah, that's the way you're supposed to say it. Anonymity. Anonymity. Well, whatever we're preserving, let's read this question. We'll call this lady Blanche. Blanche. Blanche writes, hey dudes, love the show. I have recently gotten close to a guy who was my lab partner this semester.

He always appears to be kind and caring and flirty with me. A lot of physical contact during class, more cutesy, nothing sexual, and asking me personal questions. He even asked me out a few times in the past few months, but I was so busy we never even got together. Here's the thing that bugs me about him. He never tries to contact me outside of the class that we have

together. Everything's great when we're together, but no texting or messaging of any sorts after the fact. He has his phone on him most of the time, so it's not that he doesn't use his phone. He has asked me out again, and I've agreed to the date, but this keeps bothering me. Does it mean that I'm just a matter of convenience to him is he just playing around i would love to know more i would love to know more i would love to know your pimply views on my situation thanks a bunch love blanche blanche first of all pimply views sounds like we have acne. It doesn't sound like I'm a fucking goddamn smoke show. Well, that's what she's actually implying.

Yeah, right. I have acne, dude. I had one zit in the last nine years. That is funny. It's like, man, I'm pimply. Okay, so you have pimples? No, no, no, no. Fuck, I'm a pimp.

I'm pimpy. I have a fucking cane. Oh, I'm sorry. You have a cane? No, like it's cool. Likepy. I have a fucking cane. You have a... Oh, I'm sorry. You have a cane? No, like, it's cool. Like, shit. Accutane? No.

Get out of here, you pimply freak. All right, so what do you make of Blanche's situation? It's very interesting. It's funny to see a girl overanalyze things just as much as guys do. Yeah, except this is so clearly bad. She's wrong so you're upset because this guy's asked you out several times and then you've brushed him off each and every time except for the last one and he in some weird way took that as a hint not to text you right do you understand how terrifying

it is to talk to girls let alone ask them out, let alone ask them out multiple times for you to rebuff him even once I would never even look you in the eyes again so you're miffed and confused as to why he doesn't text you because you said no several times when he asked you out by the way he asked you out and you're going on a date with him so in what world are you upset that he didn't text you several times when he asked you out. By the way, he asked you out and you're going on a date with him. Right.

So in what world are you upset that he didn't text you? Everybody else in the world is upset that guys don't have their cajones to ask them out to their face in person in an old-fashioned way, nice and romantic-like. This dude's not being passive. He likes you.

He wants you. He's seizing his cheese, going after what he wants. And you're asking him to send you a fucking text? To regress? Yeah. But I digress. Blanche, here, I'll send you a text.

LOL. You a hoe. Bad text. Damn right. Girls don't realize how terrifying it is to talk to them. Even the nice ones. The nicer you are, the cooler you are, the scarier you are to me. You are all terrifying to me.

It's scary to talk to you. It's never, ever, ever ambiguous for the guy yeah like if oh man this guy's asked me out a couple times but he doesn't text me what's the deal he likes you uh oh this guy like looked at me once and then never said anything to me what's the deal he loves you oh this guy is like i ams me sometimes but i like i can't tell. He talks about other girls. He likes you. Just always. If a guy's talking to you, then he likes you. Yeah, it took so much effort just to talk to you. You don't talk to people you don't like.

No, but that's the thing. Girls do. They'll just talk to people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The problem is that nine guys out of ten talking to that girl want her, like her. Yeah, and that's the most that they can do. That's the most that they can muster up. Right, but a girl talking to somebody is like,

girls are just better. They can have friends. Right, girls can have guys' friends and not want to bone them. Right. And guys, not so much. I think less so. So what should we tell this lady?

To not worry that he didn't text you. He asked you out on a date go out on the date yeah and then get his number and text him and yeah he'll text you back or like if anything you embrace that you guys have like this this this cooler relationship that is above text that's that's great right on that plane right there you wouldn't be able to handle that. You're a texting aficionado. You love the text zone. I like text.

Yeah. They turn me on. They get me excited. Why do you prefer texting to any other means of communication? Like more than email, more than phone? No, I love email. I love phone. But you love text the most? Text the most good yeah

because they're like little presents that you have to unwrap i know how sad it sounded don't laugh at me and try to pry deeper i know what i said was fucking horrifyingly sad but why is why is a text a gift more than an email and you know an email is a gift too but a text is more exciting because they're sort of like micro gifts it's like it's like unwrapping your stocking on christmas morning you don't know what that's like because you're a fucking jew yeah but holy shit i'm sorry i didn't mean to say it like that i mean you're a you're a stupid jew yeah that's worse what do you mean a fucking jew a stupid jew those are all bad slimy yes what adjective do you want i hate that you're

searching for yeah um yeah these are all worse synonyms than the last well all right whatever um no no i'm just kidding christmas is the best i love the christian side of my family my mom you the best okay oh we were talking about text messages i'm i'm high i'm like i'm really tired right now we are shooting this or recording this at 4 15 a.m before a 5 a.m you shook me awake in my sleep uh here's the exciting part about texts and tell me if you agree there's an immediacy to them. Like emails, you can sit on them for six hours, 24 hours a day, or 24 hours, two days. But with text, there's sort of an excitement factor like, oh, this return can come at any moment. Yeah, that's true. It's more immediate.

Yeah. And it's also smaller and shorter. So you have to like cram the wit and meaning. Right. I think they're inherently more flirtatious. And that's what you like. The flirty factor. I don't, I mean, flirting is not important to me,

but I'm just kidding. Oh God. I mean the opposite of that. That's, air is not important. No, flirting is everything to me. Air is everything. Without it, everything without it i die do you understand uh so this lady chill the fo this guy asked you out everything you do is a hint to him he's actually playing it cool he asked you out you said no and he's not texting you

uh in a different world you don't like this guy he asks you how he says no and then he starts harassing you over text message that's right so at least he's he's playing it very very cool well not that cool he asked her out several more times yeah but it works she likes him yeah it worked okay i'm just saying he's not cool but go on he is cool all right here we go i'm the guy uh all right next question next lady dorothy dorothy that was my grandmother's name well All right. Next question. Next lady. Dorothy. Dorothy. That was my grandmother's name.

Well, maybe you'll find a few coincidences here. Let's see. Is she a Russian immigrant? It's hard to tell. Okay. Go on. Did she have four children? I would say no based on the context clues of the email.

Did she make a mean brisket? I'm going to change her name. Did uh did you make a mean i'm gonna change her name did you make i'm gonna change her name okay okay no let's keep it at dorothy dorothy here we go hey guys i've got a problem for you yesterday in my college sociology class we learned that during a one-night stand guys tend to get more pleasure out of sex and when you're in a relationship the girl gets more pleasure out of sex i told this to one of my guy friends and we laughed about it but then he started hinting to me very strongly that he wants to hook up with me he's a good friend but i would never consider sleeping with him at the same time i don't want to hurt his feelings what should i do that's tricky you don't want to piss him off yeah well it would be bad if you hurt his feelings i mean you don't want to make him feel low yeah so i guess for lack of a better piece of advice the only thing you can

do is uh spread your legs open for him i would say the only thing you can do is him. Very nice. Next question. Oh, my God. That's right. You fucking monster. I'll commit to the bit that hard. I'll commit. I commit to a bit. I don't give a shit.

Oh, very nice, man. The pinch is in a cinch, and he is feeling it. Yeah, well, the pinch commits to a bit. I commit to a bit. I don't give a shit and i'll rub your clip hey hey hey dude if you want me to hit your tit just tell me that's it all right that's it i will tell you that's it i would just like to say I am sort of, I wouldn't say it's freestyle rapping. It's more like freestyle slam poetry. Yeah.

I feel like if there was a competition in that, I could compete in it. I think you'd be too nervous to do that. Yeah, you get very nervous easily. I get very scared. Yeah. Chill out. You're comfortable only in the confines of an empty room a microphone and me i really need you there yeah i really always do thank you i appreciate that i and i'm crippled by it okay uh so let's tell dorothy the truth here

um every guy wants to bone you you don't you don't even have the time to placate all your friends that want to have sex with you. That would be more than a full-time job. All of your friends, they want to sleep with you, but now they're operating under the assumption that they can't. Which you should allow this guy to go back to that comfortable zone of friendship where he knows he can't make a move on you yeah and he's so eager that uh just this conversation of one night stands in his twisted brain open the door that he's like oh maybe she's bringing this up i'm just gonna fucking go for it right that's why this is like any guy emailing our podcast is like, oh, this girl brought up one night stands in front of me. Does that mean she wants to bone me?

And we would just be like, no, not necessarily. Girls talk about lots of things and don't want to bone you. Every guy is just like, does this mean? Does this mean? Does this mean? And usually no. And every girl is like, does this mean? And it's yes.

It's always yeah. Yeah, it means that. What a weird sociology class. I feel like this professor should be fired for this weird theory that he's presenting as fact in education. No, that sounds... In a social class, we learn that during a one night stand, guys to get more pleasure out of sex. But when you're in a relationship, girl gets more pleasure. What sort of sociology class is that

sociology not sociology so i don't know what college you went to but they obviously didn't have it they didn't even have a single sociology class i wonder if they had a class on pronunciation they're probably not right um so the uh sociology because that's where you go to learn to be social i can't wait until like i find out later on that my pronunciation is correct pronunciation by the way not pronunciation you said pronunciation i hate this oh this is the opposite of tickling me. Oh, I was just going to say, I should tickle your little feet right here. Oh, you cutie.

Get off of me. You're adorable. Oh, look at them laugh. They can't. Oh, man, it's so cute. Shit, that was the most genuine adoration I've ever had on the podcast. Edit that out. I can't be that real.

So cute, I said. So I feel like that has merit during a one-night stand it's it's i feel like it's it's much less about like mutual pleasure as it is sort of like some kind of just salacious uh just pound pound pound carnal urges yeah, but that just seems like a generalization, not something that should be taught in classrooms. Yeah, I mean, sure, maybe. But I wonder if there's some kind of, I'm sure there was a study done on it that the professor took and presented to the class.

I feel like, don't be so sure. I want to ask where this girl goes to school. Holy shit, it's Yale. I stand more girl goes to school holy shit it's yale i stand more than correct holy shit it's berkeley i didn't know they had a sociology class there the sociology of pronunciation uh i don't want to hurt his feelings that would be the worst okay so don't ever sleep with someone because you don't want to hurt their feelings. That's not a good reason. Yeah. Hardest feelings.

That's fine. Yeah. It's good to hurt someone's feelings, especially if it's because of the fact that you don't want to sleep with them. Yep. And yeah, all your good friends want to sleep with you, unfortunately. That's one of the bad things about being a lady. Yeah. But it's fine because you don't have to worry about hurting

anyone's feelings because you have your own feelings and it would hurt your feelings to sleep with someone because you just don't want to hurt his feelings so your feelings come first his don't matter don't fuck him it must be fun to be a girl who's down to sleep with their her male friends you must have the pick oh the litter there's like an app that's like would you fuck me like it goes through your facebook friends and you say will you fuck like yeah it's like a tinder thing but for your friends right it's like private unless you match right so it seems like one of those things where guys are always saying yes yes yes yes yes and girls selectively say yes but when they do it's probably a match. Yeah, that's interesting. I wonder if that app has led to any boning. Yeah, I'm sure.

Good for it. I mean, even just the app Facebook leads to lots of boning. So if there's a specific app within Facebook of like, I would fuck you. Yeah, for sure. All right, question numero three-o. We need another... Rose.

Rose. Rose writes... That's cool. R-R. Rose writes... R-W. All right. Okay.

The three R's. So recently, sex with my boyfriend has been pretty boring, and I just don't get excited like I used to. So to spice things up, I've been thinking about Seth MacFarlane during sex. Unfortunately, I was so into it last time we had sex that I accidentally called out Seth as I came. I told my boyfriend, whose name also begins with S, that I just mispronounced his name. But he doesn't believe me and thinks I'm thinking about some other guy at our college. Should I tell him the truth that I'm fantasizing about Seth MacFarlane during sex or just hope the situation dies out? Oh, and I'm an 18-year-old freshman girl in college, if that makes any difference. Thanks,

Rose. Oh, Rose. How boring has your sex life gotten that even as an 18 year old, a freshman in college, arguably the hottest age and place you could be, you're thinking about fucking Seth McFarlane. Who is your boyfriend? Peter Griffin? He should definitely... Brian? Wow, yeah. I've never heard of a Seth MacFarlane sex fantasy. That's so weird. Unless she's really attractive to money.

Right. Because dude is loaded. You can sing. That's kind of cool. Yeah. Actually, he's got a tan. He's a great smile. No.

Wonderful hair. No. My God. He's so ugly. I'm attracted to seth mcfarland now more than ever you're rock hard and that's not okay that's not cute um so should she would you should she continue the ruse of saying no no i was just mispronouncing your name or should she fess up to the fact that she's talking seth mcfarland i'm trying to think of what i what i would want in the situation where i'm the boyfriend and someone calls out someone else's name yeah has that ever happened to you in a relationship i don't think so i've been called like not during

sex well i've been called during sex things that weren't my name, but not with girlfriends. And I've been like mistakenly called an ex's name just like in casual conversation. Like, oh, what do you want for dinner, John? And it's like, whoa. Not cool. I didn't like that one bit. Only because I don't want to eat dinner with you i don't care what the fuck you call me but it's interesting because like she doesn't have an ex named seth

so it's not like he's she's uh you know thinking of an ex which is good right she's thinking of a quote-unquote celeb right well but this guy thinks that he's that she's thinking of somebody else at school so if anything she should say seth mcfarland because then it's like no i'm not thinking about seth that guy i'm thinking about seth mcfarland and it's like oh that's funny and weird well where my mind just went was like if i was sleeping with someone that i loved that i wanted that i that was uh someone i really cared about and they yelled out oh uh fuck me duane and i was like and then i would i'd be like what the fuck was that like who's this guy duane that you're sleeping with and she would be like oh no no no i'm not sleeping with anybody i just like i have a fantasy about the rock duane johnson and i would be like i'm

glad that you're not sleeping with anyone else but now i can never watch a duane johnson movie i can never watch i can never johnson movie i can never watch i can never look at the rock and like i look in the mirror and i don't look like the rock so i'm like what the fuck are you doing with me and then that'll eat away with my confidence so if this guy doesn't look like seth mcfarlane i think it's not necessarily a good thing to be like no no it wasn't this guy seth at school it was it was a celebrity that you can never be and he's really rich and successful and funny and you're boring so uh i fantasized about him but then there's that i'm sorry i'm talking a lot just don't interrupt me yet there's like a double standard of you know like if i'm sleeping with

someone that i'm bored with and i'm like imagining anna kornikova then that then i don't know. Am I allowed to judge my significant other just because they're using somebody else's face and their imagination to get off? I guess if you're doing it, then it's not fair to accuse the other person or be mad at them for doing it. Yeah. Also, if you're fucking The Rock,

you should just say, oh, Rock, Rock, Rock. I bet even people who actually fuck The Rock don't say, oh, Dwayne, Dwayne if you get to like if you actually get to be penetrated penetrated by duane johnson i feel like you're close and intimate and you almost relish that you can call him duane instead of the rock which is kind of cool what if you wouldn't it be amazing to climax with the rock what are you talking about just to come at the same time as the rock yeah just like a simultaneous orgasm i don't know if he has like a wife or a girlfriend or whatever but like to fuck him and look in his eyes as he's coming and yeah when he

gives you the people's eyebrow and reach that peak the same time yeah As he screams. Do you smell? What the rock is coming. Cool. I will submit that I think you got to just, you started the lie. I think you have to see it through. Because, you know, it's fine to have fantasies. And it's fine, I think, also to just picture other people while you're fucking to get off. Because your boyfriend, more than anything, I'm sure, at least he should, want you to have an orgasm and feel good.

But I don't think, I think you fucked up. You slipped. You said Seth MacFarlane's name. I think you ought to stick to your story and be like, I said your name. I just mispronounced it because you're making me feel so good. Yeah can't call he can't ever be sure that you said somebody else he can only think that you did right and then if you say seth mcfarlane it sounds like oh maybe i was i'm now i'm trying to like think of ways to cover it up that's true it's too late stick to your guns you already lied don't go back because then he's like you're lying about a million things yeah can you imagine what it would be like to have sex with seth mcfarland i think it would

sound a little something like this oh oh oh what the deuce uh geez lois giggity giggity uh hey peter Hey, Pete. Jeez. I'm Brian. Oh, crap. Oh, crap. Oh, jeez. Oh, I'm coming. Ooh, ooh, ooh. People are going to think we are high, but I assure you we're not. That was a joke I made.

We really should do. I mean, that was incredible. Just watching that was a joke i mean we really should do i mean that was incredible just watching that was so fucking funny we should uh do an episode where we're stoned yeah where we get baked actually if you want to watch an episode of something we did when we were stoned you could look at my brother's instagram what oh yeah that was the first time we ever shot something when we were faded i feel like so many people like they watch the videos they listen to the podcast like oh you guys just get like fucking stoned and you do and you make shit up like yeah i'm never ever high but that one night

uh what is your brother's instagram that's actually pretty funny i think for people to try to find it i'm pretty sure it's it's his name micah herwitz i think so micah yeah micah herwitz oh and it's his last video as of now uh caption fruit salad if you think we make jake namir videos hi wait till you see this video and see how bad it is that's what it would look like if we actually were high. My new thing is just drinking coffee and shooting Jake and Amir's. That's the most fucked up I'll ever get. Yeah, that's true. All right.

Break time. Do you need a break? I mean, I'm down to power three. Is there anything going on? In my life? What's Gucci? That's a great question. Well, let's see.

This episode comes out April 28th. We're done. We're done with our tour. That's a great question. Well, let's see. This episode comes out April 28th. Wow. So we've already, we're done. We're done with our tour. One of us got some pretty terrible news, actually, over the last couple weeks. Jesus Christ. Yeah. I hope it's you.

Unfortunately, it's you. Wow. Yeah. You detected a mole, I guess, that you didn't see before you you detected a mole i guess that you didn't see before i detected a mole yeah i guess you just found a mole on like the underside of your thigh and you're like where the fuck is this where's this been yeah and a doctor like scraped it up and i guess they're still they're the biopsy is pending but you're a little bit nervous that it might be so that's the bad news that i got yeah you're kind of pulling a punch there, don't you think? All right, dude. What do you want me to say?

It was skin cancer. I'm sorry. I wanted you to shoot me straight. You ultimately did. I appreciate it. Oh, Seth. Oh, gosh. Oh, the live podcast.

May 31st at the Hollywood Improv. We're going to post more details on on our website ifirewshow.com Boom I think that's it I don't know man what do you want me to say I don't know there's gotta be something Let's talk about something that's not a promotion of anything Let's just me and you Fucking sit and think

About what's up what's going on with you How's the Tinder scene How's your move in la what's new um tinder is very sparse okay um maybe i'm not swiping as much as i should i don't know i i i feel i talk to people who use tinder a lot a lot and they never meet up anymore is tinder become like oversaturaturated with people who are not interested in meeting up? I wonder if it's like

where we were in New York, it's so easy to meet up with people and it's really common and like, you know, you go to a bar and you sort of try to collect as many people as you can. In LA it's a lot more there's a lot more very specific

plans going into going into a bar. So you think it's an LA versus New York thing, not just Tinder over time? Well, I think it's a New York versus everywhere thing instead of Tinder over time, yeah. I think New York was like... You know people in New York that are Tindering and still meeting up with people? I guess I haven't checked in in a while. Yeah, I don't know. I wonder. Yeah, I think i do you would think there's gonna there would be

a new tinder that like takes what tinder does but maybe improves upon it like the first app that does something is never as successful as the later iterations that's true what would the new tinder be it hasn't been invented yet or maybe people are working on it right now and it's going to revolutionize it it'll be like what what Tinder used to be before all these, I'm sorry, but Jews joined. Jesus. Breaks over. You anti-Semite.

I had to say a minority that I could possibly fall into. Otherwise, the joke would be too offensive. I understand. Oh, God forbid I said Tinder before Asian people joined. Wow. Suddenly, oh, I can't say that. You're not Asian. Well, you ultimately did say it.

Okay, but I at least softened the blow by turning it into some sort of weird bit. Douche. Yeah, I don't know. One of these days, Tinder's going down. Have you ever been on a Tinder date? Yeah, one lady. Todah. Very Todah. one of these days tinder's going down you still have you ever been on a tinder date uh yeah one lady toda very toda okay moving more than all right we'll talk about this after the show still recording it you coy little baby you are you blushing little pillsbury doju oh my gosh look at you you couldn't be more coy if

you tried you're a coy boy but you're still a goy no i'm not all right very good asians like soy here we go uh last last question last question of ladies night. Comes from... Ladies night. Sophia, did we say? I don't know. I'll say Sophia. Perfect. Sophia writes, Hey guys, I met a dude through work. He's a contractor for my company and we hit it off right away.

I'm his main contact at the company, but almost all of our work emails devolve quickly into jokes and gifs going back and forth. We've hung out outside of work, getting drinks and dinner a few times, and we always have a great time and end up hanging out for hours. We've definitely been flirty, but not overt about it. Neither of us has made a move yet beyond these hangouts that could be dates, but might just be friendly get-togethers. If he didn't work for me, I would just say something, but I'm worried about making shit weird.

I can't tell if we're just taking things really slowly or if he sees me as a friend or if he doesn't even know I'm interested. Should I just say something or wait for a clearer signal or what? Toda! Sophie. Uh. Sophia, right?

Oh yeah Sophia Okay You also said GIFs instead of GIFs Is it? Alright Is that a This episode is called

Pronunciation Pronunciation Annunciation Okay I've had enough of your punctuation And this situation is Yeah It's

It's uh Fuck I An infatuation. Love that. Sophia, sorry to say, he is only interested in your friendship. Really? Because otherwise, why would he go out to dinner with her? And get the drinks and the emails and the flirtiness and all that stuff. It's like friendship.

Guys dig chicks as friends yeah and like the one-on-one stuff like that like you know going out hanging out for hours yeah that's what you do with your friendship and if if you have an email relationship with a girl and it like devolves into like cutesy stuff and like sending little animated images and stuff that's what you do with your bros that's what you do with your dudes that's what you do with your compadres and i think like even when like work work emails turn into just like you know this is logistics logistics and then i'll do that with any girl yeah like even if girls even if the girl i'm not like attracted to like i'll flirt with her over email i'll be like cute and send her emails go

back and forth take her out to dinner yeah spend spend time with her like nights yeah on your weekend dinner drinks because I value our friendship. I want to make new friends with this cute girl. Don't make a move. It is dangerous. It would ruin the friendship that you have. He would reject you, and then it would be weird with work. It'd be like, whoa, you misread the situation.

I am here to be friends with you. I came out because I thought it would be a cool platonic thing yeah and the drinks were a way of being like a social lubricant so that we can have more interesting conversations he wants to fuck you sophia he wants to put his penis in you and i think you want to put your vagina around his penis which so so it sounds like a win-win yeah because he you don't need a clearer sign than him flirting with you over email and asking you out repeatedly it sounds like he's a little bit of a coward that he hasn't leaned in to kiss you and once again girls are terrifying yeah that's what it like he's going through this ten times worse than you are. You were like, what does he want?

And, like, it's so clear what he wants, and he just has no idea that you want it because I'm sure that he's used to girls not wanting it. Yeah, because that's all guys are ever used to. Every time I've ever kissed a girl, I've been like, oh, dope. You wanted to do that? Yeah. Hell yeah.

Thanks. because there's a giant fear of rejection because a lot of times it happens exactly and that's why not for me but yeah in general people yeah for ugly people right yeah for especially for mediocre to ugly people how many times have you leaned in to kiss someone and they rejected you uh well i play it i'm so cowardly that i wait until like the ultimate signal i'm not i don't take big risks but it's happened a couple times you wait for the ultimate signal and it still happened yes that is correct what is that the ultimate signal is kiss me amir and then you lean in and they say whoa what the fuck were you doing more or less that has happened yes when

not necessarily actually saying kiss me but all the signs were there and uh can we i ran a green light and got t-boned by a mac truck i don't know where when that happened wow um yeah i don't know what's happened what can i say we got a lot to talk about. Signals are getting mixed. Things happen. I don't know. Well, yeah, to Sophia, he obviously wants to, he obviously likes you. We should have a wheel, like a Wheel of Fortune wheel, but every space says he's into you. So it's like, ooh, good question. Let's see what the magical wheel says.

And then we spin it. It's like, yeah, he's into you. Yes, guys are dumb apes and girls are beautiful little complex butterflies. But they're also dumb because they can't tell when a guy's into them when it's always yes. Oh, that's true. Girls are dumb too. Yeah, that's the beautiful thing. We're all dumb for different reasons.

We're all stupid. We all suck. Well, I wouldn't say they suck. They're just, they give people too much benefit of too much doubt. They suck. We suck. We all suck. Human beings are doomed.

Well, don't drag us down to your level. Obviously, you suck more than us. Human beings are doomed, and so are all the brides and all the grooms. You're good. You're doing something interesting tonight. I like it. It's almost like you like rhymes or some shit tonight. Yeah, rhymes are cool.

Yeah. I'm into them, I think. I only speak in rhymes. All right, that's it. Because that was ladies' night. And it's a lady's night. And it's a lady's night. What a night.

I only speak in rhymes. I do it all the while Nice Anti-rhyme Now we've definitely reached the end of this Little experiment we call Episode 74 That opening theme song was written by Danny Wildcard

Who I guess is a magician Or a blackjack dealer or something with that nickname And this closing one Is from Matt Vreason and the reason he has a weird name is because he's from canada we appreciate it matt vreason and we appreciate it danny wildcard and if you have your own theme song submissions or own questions of your own own own uh email if i were you shown at gmail.com. I'm going to go kill myself. Athlete Jake and Emil.

Sometimes they get stuck too. They give advice to me and you. What would they do if they was you? What would they do if they was you?