Segments - 75: Harry Potter (with Dave Rosenberg)

Episode Date: May 5, 2014

Our boy Dave Rosenberg joins us to discuss breaking up, strip clubs, and tattoos. This episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com! Delicious, nutritious snacks delivered TO YOU. Use our coupon code for 50% off your first box: http://bit.ly/1idZxFp See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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It's the sound of sour cream and onion almonds. God, where'd you get it? Oh, I got it from the counter. What? From the counter in this bag here. No, no, no. But say where. That's the whole point.

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She brought you into the snack room and she said, do you like almonds? And you said yes. And then she started throwing almonds at you. Yeah, and then she pushed me into a vat of hot, hot apple pie oat clusters. She put an almond up your nose and said, sniff that almond. She started throwing banana bread granola at me, which is another delicious snack they offer. But it hurt when it was thrown at you. Yeah, but it was delicious

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please check out naturebox.com slash if I were you and use our coupon code for some delicious action. That's right. Now is the time. There is no tomorrow. Actually, Mother's Day coming up. That would be a great Mother's Day gift. Too late, dude.

There is no tomorrow. I mean, Mother's Day is next week, so there's several tomorrows. Why are you decentivizing this? Oh, sorry. I just want people to know that the world is over. Oh, got it. Okay. Well, it's time to

start the episode. Our boy Dave Rosie was in the house. Yo, di dolla, di money. Oh, di dolla is from the as you just said. That's him. Di dolla. Dave Rose, I think himself, ordered Nature Box after this episode. Can't believe it. So, please, please enjoy. Don't worry. Things continue to get

real. I assure you, even in episode 75, things stayed as real as possible that is correct later started from the bottom now they're here answering advice it's jake and amir started from the bottom now they're here answering advice it's jake and amir hashtag started from the bottom now they're here answering invites it's jake and amir hashtag started from the bottom now they're here answering invites it's jake and amir i always swipe right from the jump trying to leave my grandma's house

they'll probably pass next month hashtag i was gonna do it on my own girlfriend home on sims with her ex bout to bone and my girls mom calling me like what's that smell went to the guest room and noticed a snail trail hashtag i just think it's slimy how it goes hashtag i just think it's slimy how it goes hashtag i just think it's slimy how it goes With her ex about to bone And my girls mom calling me like what's that snail Went to the guest room and noticed a snail trail Hashtag I just think it's slimy how it goes

Now they're about to blow If I were you show And they started from the bottom now they're here Answering advice it's Jake and Amir Started from the bottom now they're here Answering advice it's Jake and Amir No new songs It'll take that

You're a real friend Where my real friend at You don't wanna do too much explaining Nice He stumbled in the middle And then he sort of recovered That was actually part of the song Wow

This is still part of the theme song Amazing Hey, we're over here that was so weird i didn't like the ending where i started he how did he do that i don't know he had sampled your voice yeah in a weird different way oh hey how's it going um this is fire you the only podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm amir i'm jake and we're here with... Howdy. He's back. How goes it? What?

How goes it? It goes well. How goes it with you? Never better. Nice. We are in a hotel room in Portland, Oregon. And Dave Rosenberg is with us. And we had our equipment and we figured we should have you back on the show since you were such a hit the first time. Yep, the price is right.

Which was what? 40 bucks for this, right? 40? 30? Sure. Yeah, 30. Deal. You're negotiating backwards.

It's Portland. Yeah, you're right. Before I forget, uh theme song was composed by chris estrada so there it is all right um dave how are you feeling i'm excited for dinner so you're feeling excited all you can eat sushi is it all you can eat sushi that we're going to we're not going to all you can eat sushi i mean in theory every restaurant is all you can eat sushi? Is it all you can eat sushi that we're going to? We're not going to all you can eat sushi. I mean, in theory, every restaurant is all you can eat sushi. You'll just keep ordering it until you're full. You have to pay for it.

Yeah. How much can you eat? We have an all you can eat sushi place in Hamden, Connecticut, home of the Rosenbergs. Sure. That's what it says on the sign when you enter the town. I've gotten 45. 45 what? on the sign when you enter the town i've gotten 45 45 what pieces sashimi though no no rice no right that fills you up too fast 45 pieces of raw fish that's how they get you on the rice so what do you get you got oh just the little little like slivers of salmon slivers of eel yeah. Yeah. You ate 45 eels one night.

So in one sitting you had 45 eels. Well, each piece isn't an eel unto itself. Yeah, yeah. It was probably like six or seven eels. Hamden's got the best eels on the East Coast. I've read that. Yeah, it says that on Hamden's Wikipedia. Yep.

Which is edited by you, for sure. So, how does it work? We get emails from people who are in difficult places, and we do our best to advise them out of it. Sometimes it's just me and Jake, and sometimes we have a special guest. Howdy. And we already introduced you.

Don't need to do that again. Fair enough. You make the rules. I just break them. That's right. You're correct. Did you want to talk about anything before we got started? Not just that.

Dave's excited for dinner. I'm excited that Dave's here. That's all I'll say. I'm also excited for both of those things usually the podcast that we do right before dinner is like have a good palpable excited energy yeah but we're also usually drinking during those ones oh that's true we have to we have to like act so loose right now that we it seems like we're getting drunk okay all right i'm pretty trashed already actually really marty and i've been going at it pretty hard. You going beer for beer? Beer wise?

Dave came in here with a can of eel sauce. Half finished. Gets you twisted. Alright, first question. These are real emails from real people. We need fake names to preserve their anonymity. Dave, can you just come up with fake names on the spot?

For these people, there's a female. Fake names on the spot? Yes these people, there's a female. Fake names on the spot. Yes. Of course on the spot. I'm great at doing everything on the spot. Just tell me when to do it, and I'm ready to throw you a name. George, right now is good. Right about now.

It doesn't even have to be a fake name. It can just be any name. I know. I'm aware. I'm aware how the name game works. Lamarcus Aldridge. name. It can just be any name. I know. I'm aware. I'm aware how the name game works. Lamarcus Aldridge. Okay. Well, it's a female. We need a girl's name. Lamarcus.

You haven't blinked since we started recording, dude. Yeah. Fucking, your eye was so dry. That eel sauce will keep you awake for days at a time. Lamarcus can be a girl's name as well. It cannot be. It can be. All right, fine.

A girl named Lamarcus can be a girl's name as well it cannot be it can be all right fine a girl named lamarcus aldridge writes i need some advice fast my semester ends in three weeks and i planned a trip to disney world with my boyfriend his best friend and my roommate three months ago him and his best friend are paying for everything and booked the hotel, bought the tickets weeks ago. I really dislike my boyfriend. I have for a while now. We've been dating long distance since we started college this year and it's been horrible. But I've been holding off ending things because of this fucking Disney World trip. What am I supposed to do? Wait another month and go on this long vacation together? I feel horrible because my roommate and his friend are so excited and they

already paid for everything. Is there any way out of this? Love, LaMarcus Aldridge. Pretty name. Yeah. I like her name the most. Does this resonate with you at all?

Have you ever been in a situation where you're like, I want to break up with this girl, but I'm waiting? It resonates with me because I went to Disney World nine times growing up. Is that true? Yeah. We used to go every year. I don't know why.

I don't have a single memory, but I know I've been there. Nine times? Nine years in a row. You don't remember anything from all nine times? Not a single memory. I can't remember if it was a Disney World thing, but your dad told a really funny story about you and Jeff going to Florida. When they were in high school, he let them pack their own bags for Florida. And they were like super heavy.

And when they finally got down. We were super young, I think. Your dad said you were like 14. Old enough to pack your own bag. Old enough that he trusted you to pack. So he opened up the bags and they didn't pack any underwear or socks. They only brought the Harry Potter books. Old enough for Harry Potter to be existing.

All of the Harry Potter books, and also they had already read them. So to teach him a lesson, they had him fashion the underwear and socks out of pages of Goblet of Fire. Did you read the last Harry Potter book in one sitting? No, it was two sittings. I fell asleep in the middle. So I read it down. You read that like 900-page Harry Potter book in like two days? No, I don't think so.

I actually purposely would read like a chapter a day because I knew once it's over, it's over. Yeah. But my first internship in brooklyn i didn't have enough work to do so i ended up like finding a ebook of it online and reading it like over three days at work even though you had already read it yeah which i think is more impressive because i was supposed to be doing work and instead I was reading the book for like the fourth time. I actually brought all the books on this trip too.

I noticed that, yeah. Your bags are very heavy and you're still wearing the same underwear that you did when we left. You'd be surprised. So have you ever wanted to break up with someone but delayed it because of a thing because it quote unquote wasn't a good time?

It's never a good time that's right that is true that's what i was gonna say breaking up is never a there's never a good time to ruin someone's life yeah you can always justify like oh i don't want to do it now there's finals or i don't want to do it now her birthday is coming up or i don't want to do it now i have this trip coming up right but if you just keep delaying it it's just gonna make it worse and worse and worse yeah and you're also not actually being sensitive. You think you're being sensitive, but like it's mean to just string someone along while you hate them.

Right. So like the nicest thing to do is end it, get at like, none of it's nice, but the nicest thing you can do is just cut it off. The end. What was that noise? An air knife cut it off like that thing with a blade wait what i was kind of imagining a paper cutter

which is why i meant that noise oh yeah yeah that's good. Okay. Yeah. What was I saying? You're saying the polite thing to do is to end it once you make your decision. Because it seems like maybe you're justifying it to yourself like, oh, I'm going to delay this after the vacation because I don't want to be a dick and ruin this vacation. When in actuality, you just don't want to do it. You can go and ruin the vacation, though, too. Right. The vacation is going to be ruined. Yeah, whether you're there and you don't like him at all or you're not there at all. If anything, it's better for him that he's going to Disney World once he's a bachelor again.

Yeah. Why don't you just say, like, I'll pay you guys back for my portion of the ticket. You guys can still go do whatever you want. I'm not going to make you pay and, like, cancel totally. Right. Once you mentally decide to break up with someone, I feel like you just got to to do it because then it just starts eating away at everything else or you can see if he can change it up and go to harry potter world instead what's that the harry potter amusement park where's that florida there's a harry potter amusement park yeah there's an entire amusement

park built around harry potter is that true how do you not know this i don't know because i'm 30 all right 31 chill dude you're 31 i'm trying to maintain this reputation being a year younger than everyone thinks i am yeah cool 30 year old uh yeah so i think i think we're all in agreement there. End it as soon as possible. Dave? Yay or nay? Yeah. Do that. End it?

End it. Or see if you can go to Harry Potter. Yeah, right. End it or go to Harry Potter. Change the entire trip. Right. You'll fall in love with your boyfriend again. You'll fall in love with yourself again. It's that magical.

Get some Butterbeer. All right. Next. We're fucking dominating. All right. Oh, We're fucking dominating. All right. Oh, we need another female name. Another female name. That's right.

Minnie Mouse. You can see how it works. Very singular. Minnie Mouse. Minnie Mouse. Minnie Mouse writes, Hello, long-time listener, first-time questioner. I'm an American that's been studying in London for the past three years for my undergraduate degree. I'm graduating this July and heading back home to the U.S. for good.

I want to remember these past three years, all the experiences, and all the people with a small tattoo of the London coordinates. Here's the problem. I told this idea to my friend and she loved it. She loved it so much that she decided she would get one too. I don't really want this to be like a tattoo buddy situation. It's a personal thing that I want to get for my own reasons, but I drunkenly approved that she could get it too. Now I'm not sure what to do because I really don't want to get the exact same tattoo as her.

I just want this to be a unique thing, but I can't just tell her not to get the tattoo anymore because she's very excited and keeps asking me about it. What should I do? Help. I think this is the funniest thing in the world. What? I love the idea of someone getting an original tattoo and then just one person going around and getting the same thing as everyone else. Yeah. And just sort of taking that away from someone. Stealing it.

Yeah. You're imagining one guy meeting everybody with an original tattoo and getting it. Well, just like all of his friends. One evil. Yeah, he just gets it. An anti-superhero. Because I'll usually, when I was thinking about getting some tattoos, and I may still do it, I would Google search them to see if they even existed.

What kind of tattoos would you get? Of course, the dark mark already existed. A lot of people have that. What's the dark mark? Voldemort's sign when he summons the Death Eaters. He'll touch his tattoo. Okay. Okay, where is that tattoo?

That's on your forearm, and it's like a snake crawling through a skull. Right, so that exists. Any other tattoo ideas? Yeah, I wanted to get the chicken wings on my back. What chicken wings? Yeah, like some girls, and I guess maybe some guys have angel wings on their back. I was thinking, I like chicken wings. And, you know, why not get that on my back? Like the food?

Yeah, the food. Oh, that's pretty funny. Like where your back muscles are? Yeah. Like two chicken wings? Two chicken wings. That's pretty funny, actually. I don't know if I said this on the last episode.

But then there'd be, like a little little cup of ranch dressing as like a tramp stamp oh like the sauce would be dripping down my back so okay so two chicken wings on your back that what is this called your scapula yeah sounds right yeah and then a ranch dressing thing where your tailbone is your coccyx bone, and then actual ranch or actual buffalo sauce or the tattoo of buffalo sauce drizzling down your spine. There'd be like buffalo, one of the ones would be buffalo, one of them would be barbecue,

they'd be dripping, and there'd be like a combination of blue cheese and ranch dressing in like a little cup. Yeah, that sounds like one somebody nobody else would get. No, there actually were a couple, without the ranch dressing. Of course yeah i added that to make it original it's sort of a one-of-a- kind thing uh it is funny to try to take someone's tattoo away from them but this girl already approved it i was like but these this tattoo the london coordinates probably in coordinates is that

a famous thing or is it just like the longitude and latitude of London? It might be. I just feel like any tattoo isn't going to be 100% original. I think at the very least you could say, I don't want to get in the same spot as you to your friend. Oh, that's good. Or you could just say like, hey, if it's a friend that she met abroad, just be like, you know what? I kind of bailed on the idea. I'm sorry.

I don't really want to get a tattoo. Then you come home, get the tattoo. She'll never know. Right. Or you can get the same one as her and then never see her again. It won't matter. Yeah. I think there's enough people in the world that it's not going to like – it won't be a big deal if it's not like a totally unique tattoo.

Maybe you just sort of have to take it out of context. Be like, this is what it means to me. I don't care that she has it. And then your friend is like, it means a lot to her that you guys have the same tattoo maybe Yeah then you It's a win win Right She gets to have the same tattoo as you

And you get to get the tattoo It doesn't matter Or you can give her a slightly different coordinate Just to fuck with her That's true Like you tell her that it's like Okay 108 degrees by 112 degrees And that's not actually London

Or just tell her the truth And be like I want it to be I want to get like my own original tattoo If you really love this go ahead i'm gonna keep on thinking and then like your second idea might be even better i feel like this is an episode we would write for our web series is you wanted to get a tattoo and then me wanting to get one too well if it was our web series it would be like i came in with a tattoo and then you start giving yourself the tattoo oh that's great okay then what happens? Write it down. Let's brainstorm this. Into your office day.

I'm opening up Final Draft right now. We don't write them in Final Draft. They don't have to know that. Celtics, baby. We write it in text edit. We did for a long time. We write it in Gmail. So what would you tell this girl to do?

I think just stop being friends with her. And get the tattoo. And live the rest of your life in ignorance, not knowing whether she got it or not. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. So the only thing you should make permanent is the fact that she's no longer friends with you. Yes. Loser. Ditcher.

Mm-hmm. All new friends. That's my motto. I'm the opposite of Drake. Yep. All new friends. That's my motto. I'm the opposite of Drake. Yep. All new friends. Every year, just a rollover. Here's a novel idea.

Honestly telling her not to get the tattoo. That's what I just said. No, you didn't really. Yeah, you were a bit wordy with it. Yeah, you were just like, maybe let her get the tattoo, then she'd be happy. I say tell it. Fine. It's convoluted.

Who would you say won that round? Jake what yes convoluted convoluted wins i'm at flip mode you're a flip flopper flip mode squad your regular john kerry i swear dude not my president yeah not anyone's president actually he lost the election oh yeah Let's not get into that. It's going to get a bit heated. Why? You know why. No, I don't. What, you think John Kerry won?

Did he win? I don't know. You don't know. You be the judge. I am the judge. I'm saying he did not. Fair enough. Good then.

Grand. Settled. Anything left with this guy? Or this girl? We gave her a lot of options. I don't feel that we gave her a definitive favorite. I say tell the friend not to get the tattoo. Or give her the fake coordinates to a shitty city.

What's the shittiest city you can get coordinates of? Maybe somewhere in the Indian Ocean? Baghdad? Excuse you. It's in the Indian Ocean. Baghdad? Excuse you! It's probably a shitty city. We ruined it, didn't we? The next Cod Shumer tour is booked for Baghdad, and you just blew it, dude. Yeah. We're doing a

Baghdad-Beirut... Ticket sales were through the roof. Do you think if we did a show in Baghdad, one person would buy a ticket? Ooh, that's a good question. Hey, is anybody out there listening in Baghdad? 30% of our Cod Shumer Facebook fans are actually located in Baghdad, one person would buy a ticket. That's a good question. Hey, is anybody out there listening in Baghdad? 30% of our CollegeHumor Facebook fans are actually located in Baghdad. We paid the money for those.

Alright. Next question. Boom. We need a guy's name. A guy's name. Yeah. Like a man. Yeah. Jeez, LaMarcus is already taken yeah by you yeah this is tough i guess that's a woman's name anyway let's go with steve okay that's it you don't have to say your wheels

are still spinning but i heard you stop steve steve is junior okay Junior. Okay. Steve Junior writes, Hey guys, I need a little advice here. I'm getting married soon and my brother is my best man. I'm not much of a partier and I told him I just wanted to get a chill get-together type party, so we planned a weekend fishing trip with some guys, which is perfect. But he has recently mentioned to some of my friends that he plans on moving the party to a strip club near the place we're staying, but I really have no desire to go to one.

And to make matters worse, this is a rural backwoods type of strip club in the middle of nowhere in Louisiana. I don't want to hurt his feelings by objecting or sound like a wimp for not wanting to go to a strip club. What should I do? steve jr sounds like you shouldn't be a wimp oh thank you the first rosenberg blast of episode 70 sorry mr limp dick nerd you're a coy loser You're a loser for that. Oh, I don't want to see hot pussies in the woods. It's fucking best. Just seeing that fucking trim.

Yeah, dude, that backwoods pussy. Are you kidding me? Those fucking saggy titties. Oh. Little brown ass. Any stripper that you see, that counts as getting with a girl. What? Yeah, and if you see three chicks naked, that means you getting with a girl what yeah and if you see oh three chicks naked

that means you got with three chicks that so when you watch porn you'll say i hooked up with someone yeah you're the kind of guy that watches porn and says i got laid up and especially if it's a cam if it's a cam and she's talking to me and i'm nutting and she says amir you owe me 48 dollars you're that's me i owe her 48 that's her saying your name dave have you ever been on a cam i don't know what that is like you sign up and you pay like you know three four five dollars a minute to have a girl live watch you masturbate that's how cheap it is dave just sprints out of the room wow five dollars a minute that's not. It's like for half an hour, you're paying $150. Yeah. I only need a minute. I need a campsite with no minimum time.

And if I do 30 seconds, can I just Venmo you $250? Have you ever done that? I haven't. Okay. But it sounds intriguing. Do you like strip clubs? Yeah, I love them. You love them?

Yeah. Why? I absolutely adore them. Why? Why not american dream i feel like kind of like this guy like a strip club is like going to a restaurant but you're not allowed to eat any of the food yeah you are whoa you know the food it's okay it's all you can eat they're covered in. 45 pieces of that slim trim eel shit. I think I don't like it because there's – you go to a club or a bar and like we have – it's a competition. You're like there's a certain amount of girls in here that you're attracted to. I want to make them like me.

I want to be the one that goes home with them and fucks them. And if you go to a strip club, it's all equal. All of the girls like all of the guys it doesn't matter they're paid so there's no competition it's like it's like when you it's like for you it's like playing basketball but not keeping score yeah what's the point everyone's gonna get oh everyone has to have two baskets basketball that'd be like exercise i guess it'd be i don't there's no equivalent to me. It's like playing Monopoly without money. Yeah, maybe so. It's sure.

So it takes away your element of quote-unquote winning. Right. There's no competitive edge. That's not true. The person with the most money wins. Oh, so it's sort of like a big life competitive edge thing. So like the game you play outside the strip club exists inside the strip club. He's like, I'm the richest guy here, so the girls will like me.

Or on the flip side, if you're really good looking, maybe they'll charge you less. So you have that to work with as well. Has that ever happened to you, though? Yeah. What, they charge you less for a lap dance? Yeah, Jeff and I will be there together, my identical twin brother. If I can get a lap dance for $10 cheaper than him, then I'm better looking. Okay.

Follow-up question. Why is a lap dance for $10 cheaper than him, and I'm better looking. Okay, follow-up question. Why is a lap dance good? Isn't it just teasing you to the point where you're just annoyed at the end of it? No, because I'll wear, you know, a pair of sweatpants without underwear, and I'm coming. You're just subtly mentioning it. I'm wearing sweatpants.

I'm fucking, I'm coming. I'm finished. When I did a lap dance'm when i find a way to game the system where he if he just wears mesh shorts with silk boxers to the strip club he can come from a lap dance somebody was telling me recently in a strip club that they make strip club specific pants with like a cum receptacle that's like ribbed almost like an iv bag and you and when you're grinding you're coming and it's like clean because it's like a it's like a plastic ziploc baggie for your jizz that's insane it's about time innovation that seems crazy but they're actually the sponsor of this episode cumpants.org please ribbed for your goodness what a name uh come pants dot org that's the name of the pants so the website is come pants dot org dot com um didn't you just you just got your first lap

dance yeah well i don't know would you guys justify this as a lap dance i was in a strip club and a girl started dancing on me and it seemed like she was giving me a lap dance and then she asked me if i wanted to go get a lap dance for 20 in like the back area i see and then i was like oh i'm okay i'm good like what you just did was like rubbing your boobs on my face i assume that's gonna happen there and i will have to pay you so i'm okay not doing that did you say all that to her no because this was in mexico so i was just like ah ah, no, no. But would you say I got a lap dance based on that? Yeah, I would say she danced in your lap, so that's a lap dance.

Okay, great. That's off my bucket list. I don't have to do that again. I don't think you did get one, though. But why is that good? Why is that fun? It's not. It's just better than nothing. Don't you like getting a lap dance?

It's sort of a fun experience. I think it's just like... But is it better than nothing? Why is it better than nothing? Everything is better than nothing why is it better than nothing everything is better than nothing okay let me sit with that a void of no of no time space no no sense of self abject blackness that's nothing so a lap dance of course yeah but doesn't it i would say a lap dance is negative and nothing is neutral. I wouldn't say a lap dance is negative. Do you actually get off to these things? Yeah.

Like actually – Did you come? You bet. Didn't you tell me one time that you came from working out really hard? Yeah, I always come from working out. Me and Arnold. You came from working out? I always come from working out. Me and Arnold. You came from working out? I always come from working out.

It sounds like a very innocuous sentence. Like, oh, I just came from working out. Oh, like you're here right now and you just worked out? No, no, no. I did. I came. I finished while I was working out. I'm jerking off as I'm doing sit-ups.

No, you really did tell me that you lifted weight so heavy that you came. Hell yeah, dude. I didn't even work out. You're not squatting enough. If you're not getting yourself up. It sounds like you don't know what cumming is. It was me on the treadmill. That's when it happened.

You were wearing those cummer baby boner pants. The friction was way too much. Watching an episode of The View in the middle of the day. On closed caption because you forgot your headphones. Back when Barbara Walters was young and beautiful. You mean six years ago? Yeah. Gorgeous.

Absolutely gorgeous. Those apple titties. Teardrop titties. So have you actually finished in a strip club? No. That's disgusting. But you have finished in a weight room. Hell yeah.

I paid good money to join that gym. That's an equinox, baby. There's keels in the fucking locker room. What am I supposed to do? All right. So what's this guy supposed to do? Well, he has two options. One, he could just be like no i

don't want to go to the strip club because after all it's a bachelor party in his honor so he gets to make the rules or he can like uh feel bad for his brother and be like i don't want i'll at least give him this i'll go to the strip club i won't enjoy it you can at least enjoy it like on a novel like i've been to strip clubs before and it's not like a bad time if you're with your friends yeah there's lots of fun life experience things to be had i agree i would say embrace the stupidness of it that it's like some backwoods strip club you're there with your buddies and it'll be and just try to see it as funny rather than uh right but those small strip clubs are even sadder than yeah they're so sad we came to this one in portland last time we were here oh yeah and you got a four dollar steak yeah there's like a rule in portland where every bar

has to have food so strip clubs have food so like this like strip club this really small kind of sad strip club had like a steak buffet for four dollars and i got and i got steak and it was delicious and i got a lap dance while or i got I think I put money down while I was eating the steak uh so like the girl is just I ate steak with an asshole in my face that's what I'm trying to say uh hmm price is right what's the name of that spot just digging through his pocket for loose change he has 240 but he going to try to haggle him down to a chicken dinner and a fully clothed lap dance. Yeah, and I was thinking,

if you're legitimately uncomfortable at the strip club and you'll have a really negative time, you should just tell your brother or brother-in-law. I can't remember which one it was. Yeah. Just be like, yo, this is my party. And I'll cry if I want to. Do something different.

Yeah, what's your advice, Dave? I say just it up suck it up suck it in yep all right you heard the man steve junior junior uh did you want to talk about anything during the breaky time um i don't know any funny stories from the road? The tour? CH on tour, hashtag. This episode's going to come out after the tour's over. That's fine. Any social media. I will make sure to add it to the deck. Oh, there you go.

The advice that I got for upgrading a hotel room that didn't work. Oh, yeah, that was really funny. Oh, really? One of my family friends works in the hotel business and he's like and i asked him about tips about you know what do the insider people know about hotels that i wouldn't know and one of the things he told me is that front desk people have carte blanche access to do whatever they want including upgrades so if you're very nice and friendly and you tip them odds are they can just upgrade you to a nice suite. So I'm like, so what?

You just – as I'm checking in, give the person like $20 or $40. He's like, yeah, if you give them like $20 or $50, you'll either – you'll usually be upgraded to a room that's like a higher value than that. So in Seattle, I went to the front desk and I was too scared to just like show up and say, hi, my name is Amir. Give her a $20 bill. So I didn't do it there. And then in Portland, I psyched myself up. I like all right i'm gonna do it so i walked to the front desk i'm like hello and i gave her a 20 bill and she's like uh what's this i was like it's for you and then she's like okay and then i'm like she didn't know what to do she she didn't

even put it in her pocket she just held it awkwardly in her hand for like 30 seconds. As if I was pranking her or she didn't understand what a tip was. I was checking it at the same time, just like cracking up. I was laughing so hard. She was just holding this money like as if I asked her to hold this $20 for me while I tied my shoes. And then she's like, anyway, you're in this room and this room. I'm like, yeah. Are there any complimentary upgrades available? And then she's like, no, we're sold out room and this room. I'm like, yeah. Are there any, like, complimentary upgrades available?

And then she's like, no, we're sold out. I was like, oh, very good. Very well. Adieu, Jessica. You grabbed the $20 back out of her. I want my money back at this point. I went for the risk and it didn't pan out. Maybe it's like an L.A. thing versus a Portland thing.

Yeah. I mean, we're also – I was saying I think think that like a swanky ass hotel where like everybody's all like greasy. They're playing that like loud music in the lobby. There's a bar or something. Yeah, like a W or a hotel in Vegas. But this was like, it's such a, it's pretty quaint. It's like an old Portland hotel.

I don't even, I'm not even sure there are suites in this thing. I am on the 11th floor versus you guys on the third and fourth. Do you think that was a coincidence or she upgraded me? My room looks exactly like this. But it's on a lower floor. So thus, it's worse. You do have a better view, but your elevator rides are longer. That's true.

My room is bigger than this, though. I'm going to ask for my $20 back. Your room is pretty nice. But he said that's the risk you take. Sometimes you tip and they just don't have the available suites for you. Maybe it's also because there's someone else checking next to you and it doesn't look good to take money from someone. Maybe it's like no one's seeing it. It's not a bribe.

It's just a tip. No, it's kind of a bribe. Just greasing the wheels a little bit, baby. Yeah. Maybe they don't want other people to see that. Like other guests. Oh, yeah. What, the tipping works? I think they a little bit, baby. Yeah. Maybe they don't want other people to see that. They're like other guests. Oh, yeah. What, the tipping works?

I think they want everyone to see that. Yeah. That's where we differ as people. That's not the only place. I've also never come from curling. Then you're not pushing it hard enough, my friend. That's right. And I don't think I ever want to push it that hard.

You do. You do. There's no greater joy than coming in public one one rep max till you come keep pushing that weight until you ejaculate your bad strainer told you one day um what else oh we have that live podcast on may 31st at the hollywood improv that's. Dave, will you come for that? No, I won't. Okay, that's fair. Checking out. If we started a Kickstarter to get you to buy your ticket to LA, would you come to that show?

Yeah, I will. Well, I think I'm going to come for the all-nighter, so maybe that will overlap. Okay. Oh, no. I think that's the 21st. All right. Well, whatever. All right.

Kickstarter for Dave. Yeah, don't donate to any other charity but ours in order to get Dave Rosenberg out to L.A. for our live podcast. Closenberg, one time. Big Dave. Hey. Are you ready to get to the last, last, last, last question? Let's do it.

Last question of the night comes from... Oh, we need another dude's name. A dude's name. Easy. Yep, I agree. These are super simple, I think. This is almost the easiest part of the show, is coming up with some dope, original name.

Minnie Mouse. Like... Steve Jr. Yes. And this last person will be named David Rosenberg Sr. My father, David Rosenberg Sr. That's not your dad's name, is it? I can't other his name.

Is that another thing from Harry Potter? Yes. You shall not be named all right hey guys so my lit teacher carl i don't care you can say his name you should because fuck him really doesn't like me and i'm not saying that in a way most teenagers do about teachers who give them bad grades he really hates me and he's not scared to pretty much let the whole class know. He does this by responding to all my questions with what he thinks are witty retorts that are just kind of leave me stumped. For example, every time I ask, can I go to the bathroom? He says, I don't know. Can you? It's not even original. It's just bad. Can you think of anything I can say back that would make him feel like a complete doofus without putting him on a complete classroom blast and getting myself into trouble yet again?

Thanks, guys. So? How do I make my teacher feel like a doofus? Yeah, because he really scathes me with shit like, I don't know, can you? Ooh, Carl! Curse you. I have a cool retort to that, though. Ready? To that specific one?

Like, hey, can I go to the bathroom? I don't know. Can you? Yeah, I can go right here if you don't let me go to the bathroom. And then you start pissing on the floor. You start curling weights until you start ejaculating. What? Any ideas, Dave? This is a tough one.

Yeah. Ever had a teacher nemesis? I loved all my teachers. Did they love you? Yeah. I would never show up for their tests, though, because I had IBS. So when diarrhea hits, you just can't show up. Okay.

So I'm saying maybe this kid can sort of do the same thing and act like he accidentally shits himself in class. And he acts super embarrassed. And the teacher doesn't know what to do. Oh. And then. So his problem is that he doesn't like being embarrassed in class. Yeah. And your advice is to pretend to diarrhea himself so he's embarrassed in class.

You get one of those stink bombs and you throw it at the teacher's desk. Why on earth would anybody just want to have everyone in the classroom believe that they shit their pants? What you do is you put a little stink bomb into a water balloon, fill it with chili, and then you just sort of have that at your disposal. Then at the least opportune time, say the beginning of a test, the middle, you sit on the water balloon.

You'll hear a distinct warm thud as the chili water trickles down your thighs and the stink bomb, the smell permeates the room. And the teacher will be so mortified that you just diarrhea yourself in front of everyone he'll be absolutely astounded and not know what to do that's your revenge

that's what I meant to say yeah sounds airtight I like your asshole dripping with that chili sauce here's my here's my suggestion you get everyone else in the class in on some sort of weird joke so you say something to him but you get everyone in the class to just

agree to stifle laughter or conceal their emotion uh so let's say you say like hey uh carl do you like green apples or red and he'll be be like, what are you talking about? But everyone will be snickering and laughing, like trying to hold it in. And the fear of 30 teenagers secretly making fun of you and you not knowing why should be enough to mortify him. That's really evil. My advice is that this guy does – he just sounds like he's sort of a doofus already and you're a bigger doofus. So you should leave each other alone. Just go to the bathroom before his class and be quiet.

It's not just about the bathroom. It's about being put on a class blast in front of all your peers. You have to get revenge on this teacher. He doesn't have to get revenge on the teacher. It sounds like this is really, it's like two losers fighting. Nobody else cares, you know? I'm kind of into it.

I'd like to be there. What school is this? There's nothing like a good teacher versus student rivalry. I agree. Yeah. And the only way to win is by ganging up. Because he has all the authority. So the only thing you could do is embarrass him by making him feel old.

That makes me so sad. Don't be mean to your teachers. Yeah, I know. Usually teachers are great, all right. But this guy's a fucking doofus. He's a Carl for crying out loud. You never take into account that the person who wrote the email might suck. Oh, yeah.

This kid. So this teacher just david rozenberg yeah like i don't know can you and every all the kids love him and this guy's like jesus he's just he's trying to get you to say may i that's it because he's a lit teacher he's in the language that's it but it would be fun to secretly embarrass him in a weird cryptic way that'll keep him up i see what you're saying your wheels are turning towards like you just want to play a prank. Yeah. I get that.

But an anti-prank where it's not really a prank but he doesn't know that. Right. It's still evil because it's still making him insecure and sad. Yeah. He's a teacher. That's what I want him to make. I don't want him to feel old, insecure, sad, and out of touch. Yeah.

And then maybe he won't want to be a teacher anymore. Oh, yeah, yeah. And then he can do something more, I don't know. Yeah, maybe he'll tell some of his friends about what happened in his classroom, and they'll say, oh, man, I don't want to be a teacher anymore either. And then there won't be any teachers, there won't be any school, and all of a sudden we're sinking into Baghdad territory. A fate worse than death.

All right. Is that it? That's it. That's our time. We're going to get sushi. Thanks, Dave, for coming back. Thank you, David. It's always a pleasure.

That email address, if you want to submit your own questions, it is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. If you have your own theme songs, like the guy at the beginning whose name is Chris, or the guy who wrote the theme song at the end of this episode, whose name is George Gavin, George Gavin, you can send those over to ifireyoushow at gmail.com as well. Thanks, guys. And, yeah, I don't know what to say. I guess, I guess, I don't know. We both left the room.

It's just you. Oh, shit. I have to go, guys. Bye. Jake and Amaro, please help me seize the cheese. Give me a little bit of hope. I've got bad STDs, help me seize the cheese. These STDs ain't hashtag dope.

Oh, help me please. Keep my head on imbity. Don't want my friends to know. Taken too far. And to that I stay told. I've caught it all. I've fixed it all I fake small shows And so I emailed if I were you shows So I emailed if I were you shows