Segments - 76: Bowl Cut (with Streeter Seidell)

Episode Date: May 8, 2014

Our buddy Streeter joins us to discuss bisexual boyfriends and globetrotting girlfriends. Thanks to OurTunez for sponsoring this BONUS THURSDAY episode! An awesome free way to discover new music, on your iPhone or computer: http://bit.ly/1fNA7ul See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Thirsty Thursdays are back, my friend. Okay. What a day, Kalu. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets,

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Very well. It's a great way to gain exposure next to mainstream artists. And comedians, you can use this too. Now lastly, if you are music... No, no, no, no, no. Holy shit, I'd love to meet you. So you're just music then? I'd love to get to

know you more. You're not a person. So yes, thanks so much to iTunes for bringing us back on a short week. Check them out. It's Tunes with a Z, because you know they're cool, so please do help them out, help us out, and, yeah, please enjoy this episode. Our boy Streeter's on the show

again. He's back, baby, and don't you worry. Things actually got real. Enjoy. Take it in the air. Every now and then I have a really tough question and I need some free advice. Take it in the air.

Every now and then I get a little bit desperate and then I go on Tinder. Take it in the air. Every now and then I get in a sticky situation and then I have nowhere to turn Every now and then I go into a Starbucks And I swear I want to kill myself Every now and then I seize the cheese

Every now and then I seize the cheese And I need your advice I fucking need it more than ever And if you only make fun of me I swear that I'll hate you forever And you better swipe me right Cause if you don't I'll snail trail Wherever you tour I'll follow you there

Mama turn off the podcast cause I do declare I do declare I don't know what to do so I'll ask if I were you I'll take any advice even from a freaking Jew I really need your advice Cause this is forever night Cause this is forever night Once upon a time I was hashtag dope

But now I'm only hashtag no There's nothing I can do A total eclipse of the hand So long. So long. I like that this guy isn't necessarily a good singer, but he just fucking went for one of the hardest songs to sing. It's like the beginner skier just like,

I think I'll try this double black diamond and see what happens. I guess it worked. I admire his bravery. And I admire that he forced his little sister in to sing the chorus. That's what you imagine? Yeah. Get over here, Rachel! Stay cheeky in here!

Make the fart noise at the end and we'll be good. Hey, Streeter's here. Hey, that song was so long. And you just made me sit here for two minutes. That's actually just the first half of it. Let's play the second half right now. The second verse. Take a little intermission.

Yeah, I thought at the very least he went for it. Well, what's his name? Oh, it's two guys. So we can never talk about it again. Actually, I don't know. There's no girl. What? They said it was from Colin.

Two people came together to make that? My God. They said it was from Colin and Corey. Maybe Corey's a woman? There was definitely a girl's voice in that chorus. He could have pitch shifted it. Yeah, it was all auto-tuned. I can sing that.

I can sing that high. If they auto-tuned it, it would have been in tune. Bright eyes, every now and then I seize the cheese. If they auto-tuned it, it would have been in tune. Bro, I hate us. Every now and then I seize the cheese. He also, like, threatened us. If you make fun of us, I'll hate you forever. Because he hates you forever. I'll snail trail your house.

He'll follow us to a live show and hurt us. Yeah, that's threatening. I wonder if that was Colin or Corey who's making those threats. It was Corey. It's more a cory movie colin's a girl's name too isn't it could be could be you know nowadays people are so liberal and crazy with their names it's like anybody can be anything hey buddy sorry take it easy on the weird name people okay liberal and crazy yeah so wait that are those the same things yeah they're the same things to you? Crazy liberal. I swear to God, I saw a woman named Jordan the other day. Jordan.

You were wondering why we're losing to China. That's not the reason, though. Oh, so what's the reason? The woman you met named Jordan was Chinese. Jordan Lee. Hey, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Jake. And I'm Amir.

Yeah. And I'm Streeter. Yeah. Streeter, are you our first three-time guest? Really? Is this your third time? I think it's either the third or fourth. Wow, you've been on so long, you don't even remember how many times.

Yeah, and I haven't even listened to it ever. That's baller. Is it good? We've edited each one of your episodes really heavily, actually. Oh, really? Thanks for that. Thank you. We usually don't even touch them, but when you're on, we record for two and a half hours

and cut it down to the best 41 minutes. I say a lot of stuff. We've hit shift it and make you Alison Williams. Yeah. Two of the Alison Williams episodes with Streeter on Auto-Tune. So how does it work? We get emails from people in difficult places They email us at ifireashow at gmail.com With their problems

And we do our best to advise them out of it Sometimes it's just us two And sometimes we have our best friend Streeter on Am I your best friend I guess you're in the circle Oh wow Do you think i'm top five uh dual friends top five that's a big it's a big ask and you know what don't feel a ton of

pressure to say yes just because you're not in my top five because i did email you my list and you were not on it yeah i got your list you got my list your list technically was your bachelor party that me and jake weren't invited to. Wow, okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm just saying, if we're going to get real, things do get real. Oh, dude. Things do get real on the fucking...

You know, maybe I would have invited you if you ever invited me over to your apartments in New York. All right, enough, enough. You never went to one apartment? Not once. Not once. One time I went when he lived with David. In the East Village.

In the East Village in 2005. Well, to be fair, that wasn't quite an apartment. It was like a... That's true. Yeah. It was a rat hole. You think if you had your bachelor party now

we'd be invited? Definitely. Yeah. And you know who wouldn't? Jeff Rubin. Really? Oh, shit. You're bumping him out.

Kicked off. Bumped out. Peace out, Rubin. Hello, Jake Andamir. Yes, that's right. Two people step in to fill his shoes. He does wear...

Oddly enough, this is a cool Jeff Rubin fact. He wears a size 15 and a half wow there are seven sizes too big but he still wears them have you seen him dunk yeah he enters and wins those like crazy dunk competitions all the time yeah the and one like semi-professional competition he goes to new york to west fourth street and he just balls there he just balls he has a 47 inch vertical it It's crazy. They call him the helicopter. He jumped over a Honda Civic

as part of a Honda stunt thing. The Blake Griffin of nerds. Guys, can I just say one of my biggest regrets is that I didn't invite you to my bachelor party. Really? Yeah. Just because I brought it up? No, I've always thought that that was a bad move. You guys and Pat.

I felt like Pat too. But you know, know bachelor parties are hard you can only invite so many people and like right and you gotta my theory is more yeah my theory is more more than six people are impossible to move more than six yeah so it's like if you have a group of more than six people just getting places and agreeing on shit to do yeah becomes super annoying especially when you're on mushrooms yeah when you're on a lot of mushrooms right and you and you're going skydiving that's like a difficult thing to do with a large group skydiving on mushrooms no but the dude my my instructor guy almost dosed me on acid what when we were walking to the plane he was like you want to cert you know certs like the mints yeah and I was like, yeah, sure.

And I took one. I was about to put it in my mouth. And he was like, whoa, wait a minute. That one has acid on it. On it? It's not acid. He dropped the acid on it. And so that would have been interesting.

And then he ate it. And then he strapped you to his back. He just referred to himself as Batman. And he wouldn't. I was like, but what's your name? He's like, Batman. My name's Batman. Oh, no.

Anyway, attach yourself to my body, and let's jump out of an airplane together. Your life is in my hands. I'm Batman. Do you know how this parachute thing works? You know what? We'll figure it out. I got a cape, just in case. Oops, I ate the acid, sir.

I would be concerned enough just that he still had certs. The problem is all the skydiving people are so cool, you can't back down ever. You don't want to look like a loser in front of them. In front of Batman. Not in front of a professional skydiver. Exactly. You know all the bad ones have been killed already. So that's why you feel safe, because the good ones have survived long enough to have a job.

It's just bad parachutes, not bad skydiving. It's sort of darwinian thing is a bad parachute only a bad sky yeah only bad humans um all right let's uh should we get started what's we need a we need some fake names we're gonna give these real emails from real people fake names to preserve their anonymity should we do trophy wife characters oh characters? Oh, shit. Oh, my show. Yeah. Straighter Writes for Trophy Wife. Every Tuesday night at...

Well, just next Tuesday. I get it. And then it's over. Well, you can... Wait, did your episode come out? Mine was last night. Holy shit. Congrats.

How'd it go? New ratings low. Really? People actually tuned out when they saw your name in the opening credit. Massive drop off. I do think it was the lowest rated one. Oh, really? I think so.

I'm sure it had nothing to do with you. It's always one week delayed. So it had to do with the episode before last. No, no. It was mine. Mine opened with a reading of Mein Kampf. 21 minutes. For a good 22 solid minutes.

It went through the commercial break. Yeah. So can you give us names from Trophy Wife, the show on ABC that you write for? Sure. We need a female name. Oh, you need a female name? Yeah. Kate is the main lady.

What if you couldn't think of it? Sometimes I just think of the actor's name. Yeah. I'm like, Bradley. Nope. Kate. Kate, yeah. Kate writes, hey dudes, so I have been in a steady relationship with my boyfriend for five years now,

and recently he has opened up about some things that he wants to try. He wants to have sex with his male friend in college. He says it's strictly for having the experience and that there would be no feelings involved. I feel very uncomfortable about this. We have done anal play with a dildo and had anal sex and I even licked his asshole, but he is still dead set on having this experience with his bisexual friend. How should I feel about this? What else can I do to shake these urges he's having?

I consider it cheating, but he insists it's not. Please help. Let's start with that last question is, do you think this is cheating? If I fucked you, would it be cheating on my girlfriend? Yeah. Yeah, definitely. It would? It doesn't matter what you think it is.

It's how your partner would view it. But that's a dangerous game. Because what if your partner's like, I think watching porn is cheating. So is that considered cheating? I mean, you have to live in their world a little bit. You have to deal with their consequences for what you did. Oh, interesting.

That is true true so regardless of how dumb it is just by being married is our wisest friend because he's been able to leave because i ate some mozzarella cheese last night and i haven't heard the end of it she is on my ass like stink on shit about the cheese thing um what do you think? Do you think if you had a girlfriend and she had well first of all let's say your wife

cheated on you with another girl. With a girl? That would be worse. Thank you Jesus. Please do. Go for it babe. As long as I can watch.

That would be the worst thing if she wouldn't let you watch. It would just be so awful. That would be the worst thing if she wouldn't let you watch. It would just be so awful. That would be worse than cheating on you with a guy. Yeah. But I would rather. I'll tell you what, I wouldn't be into it. You wouldn't be into it?

But would you mind it less than if she cheated on you with a guy? Definitely, yeah. There's like a double standard there, I think. And I'm okay with it. Yeah, like she can make out with another girl and that's somewhat fine. Yeah, like she has more wiggle room than I do and that's somewhat fine. Yeah, like she has more wiggle room than I do, and that's okay with me. Right. I'm fine with that.

I would also be less pissed if, one, I had a girlfriend, and two, she hooked up with another girl instead of a guy. You'd be loving it. You'd be less pissed. Does that make me homophobic or what the opposite is, heterophobic? Well, it's... You're half open-minded. Yeah. You're half open-minded. Yeah.

You're such an optimist. It's sort of like, okay, you hooked up with a girl, I guess you maybe have feelings for women, so there's something I couldn't offer you there. Right, that's what it is. I think anything that's... But if she did it secretly and you found out, I think that's like...

I don't know that that always sucks you know at least this guy's being like up front with his girlfriend he's like look i'm having these feelings i want to explore this he hasn't cheated on her he's just like actively asking permission here's the thing though this dude's straight lying because he's like you would not pursue that unless you had emotional feelings leading you in that direction yeah and he's telling her it's just like something he wants to do no one just wants to do that i want to feel like what it would feel like to have my ass pounded by my friend man what's up babe what the fuck it's not like feelings are involved i just want troy to fucking rail me out your dick's not big enough

babe it's just not. Don't get me wrong. I appreciated the rim job, but you don't have a dick like Troy, and I want to get reamed. Why can't you close your mouth? I don't want to close it. Just in case there's a dick nearby, I want to make sure it's completely open. I want Troy to give me a fucking pink sock, all right? I want an elephant trunk hanging off the back of my ass.

He's lying. This is a bisexual man or maybe a gay man who's in transition. Which is probably why, especially because he's in college, he's experimenting and seeing what's up. Maybe he's not ready to admit that he's having gay feelings. And he's just like, I'm curious about the experience yeah no one's curious about that experience unless they're like a little gay right yeah well i guess all right you don't understand jake's stuffing a uh gay kid into a locker right now you have like i'm not curious about what it would feel like to have a dude finger my butt well let's feel the same as a girl This is like, not that there's anything wrong with that.

Right. Yeah, you could be a little gay. We're not saying it's a bad thing. We're just saying that you are a little bit gay. Right, there's like the whole Kinsey scale of like zero to six. You're either a zero or you're not gay at all. Yeah. Which is the best one to be.

You're totally gay. That's how you guarantee you get into heaven. It might be the reverse. Six is straight and zero is gay. That's why I just go with a three. Yeah, that way you don't have to worry about three no matter what i'm smack dab in the middle um i feel like she should maybe uh maybe it's time to move on from this fella well her question is well it's also no she's asking permission if she grants permission then it's not cheating so should she said how should i be feeling about this what else

can i do to shake these urges he's having? You can't. Just break up with him. Yeah. Like, you know what? If you want to do this, I totally get it. Or I don't get it. But like, I totally, you know, I wish you the best, but I'm not going to be your girlfriend.

That's what I would say. Yeah. If you consider it cheating, then it is cheating. And he shouldn't do it. Right. Or she should be like all right i want to hook up with a guy too oh right another guy if you want to explore the benefits and pitfalls of an open relationship you could do that too and right okay fine you know what you

just hook up with guys if you want to i'm gonna like explore my options as well call his bluff sometimes that's a little too painful for people and i think it's better to just cut and run and be like you know what go get fucked by your friend at college i'm just going to uh race you from my life i'm just gonna say this one thing because i feel like it's important to say like they're in college so it doesn't matter they can just break up and it's fine yeah college is a is a wasteland of emotions college doesn't count yeah it's true it's true yeah just you know just move along right and send them my my way. I'll set them straight. I feel like I should – I was talking to you last week when we were in Berkeley.

I'm like, I feel like I should be in college now. Like only now am I emotionally and physically ready to hang out with college kids. Right. When I was in college, I felt like a high schooler trying to act cool. You looked like a high schooler. Yeah, yeah. A little bit. Now that I'm like 31, I finally look like a college kid.

And I feel like now I should go back to school. You'd be the king of campus. I think I said this to you in Berkeley that I completely disagree with that statement. Yeah, you said it's better to be peaking now as a 31-year-old than it is to be peaking in college. And that you can still fuck college girls. Right. And I don't have to go to class. Yeah, it's perfect.

You don't have to learn anything. You don't have to sit there and fake learn to sleep with these lovely young women. So you're saying I should just be hanging out on college campuses? No, I also don't think you should be doing that. Well, what the fuck? How am I supposed to get laid, dude? Tinder! Idiot! He's better in person person jake you don't get that i need to be there he's not like you he's not a fucking pretty shell with

nothing in it all right thanks street you're right crab you're right thanks treanor i appreciate that i'm pretty hey thanks for letting me stay here, guys. What's the opposite of that? Gray M&M? I guess, yeah. Yeah, because you're like gross on the outside and delicious on the inside. Yeah, but sweet on the inside. Well, not that there's anything wrong with being gray. Not even gross on the outside.

This is our most PC episode yet. For any of you guys out there with gray skin, that wasn't meant as a slam on you or anything like that. Is there a Tinder where instead of pictures, you see funny quips, tweets, and stuff like that, and you judge people based on their tweets? Ugh, gross. Disgusting. Have you gone on a Tinder date yet?

That one, the same one from months and months ago. Oh, yeah, that's right. I haven't physically met anyone that i met or that i uh met online on tinder wow i don't know very tight all right next question yeah uh guys name guys name go with uh bert bert's the little kid the little funny child That's perfect for this because he's a high schooler in Australia. Hey, guys. I'm a high school student in Australia. I'm in a band, the only serious one in my school, and my whole band wants to get bowl cuts.

My girlfriend of a year really doesn't want me to go through with it, even though i had one when we met hope you can help is it like a beatles yeah maybe maybe like bowl cuts have bowl cuts now are we back again am i ready to stop putting crap in my hair and just let it fall forward so i guess yeah well wonderful whether or not bowl cuts are cool or not, what do you do when your lady friend doesn't want you to do something that all your guy friends want you to do? You're kind of fucked. Not just your guy friends.

You're banned. The only serious one in the whole school. I think you just don't do it. You don't? See, it's basically who do you want to piss off? Well, who do you spend more time with? Probably the girlfriend. She's the one that you want to find.

You don't care if your bandmates find you attractive. You want the girl that you're with to find you attractive. But you don't want to see him whipped. That's true. First of all. Yeah, you have to explore your heart and be like, what do I want? Yeah. If he's doing the bowl cut just because the band wants him

to and he would rather be like having a different haircut and have his girlfriend find him attractive then do that and if you would rather have a bowl cut and be one with your band and tell your girlfriend to get over it you can wear a hat around her yeah and i do that the thing with a bowl cut is you can just throw some product in there and style it up and make it into something else so it's like that's not in the spirit of the band right but i'm saying like i feel like the girlfriend doesn't understand that that's like the only serious band in the whole school yeah i feel like you don't get it okay mate yeah i don't know how to do this bad to the scoop i can't do it okay where's josh rubin when you need him let's wait he's in new york i'm sure he'll turn up sometime the only serious band in the school that means that means yeah we're so serious we want to get

matching bowl cuts we're so serious we don't even play music because that's too like carefree yeah a lot of our shit is just spoken word poetry about aborigines well here's here's what sometimes I do when it's like girlfriend versus other friends is you weigh like who would be – I usually decide to let down the guy friends because when you let down your guy friends, they're not as mad as when you let down your girlfriend. It doesn't last long. They're like, oh, you're not going to get a haircut, pussy. All right. What's up? And then girlfriend is like, okay, you got the haircut. It doesn't look that good. And they're like, all right right sorry uh what do you want to do for dinner i don't care

vagina's closed fuck forever now i'm done yeah i'm done with you i mean for i don't blame her for not wanting him to get a bowl cut yeah well does she have a care of that like hey baby do you mind if i'm ugly for the next six months? Do you mind if I look like a penis for a little while? It is weird when your significant other wants to do something drastically physical to them. Because it's like, you don't have a right to say what... My girlfriend doesn't have a right to say what I look like. But then it's like, she has to look at it more than I do. And she has to deal with it more than I do.

So it's almost like, she should decide what I look like. Well, I think there's also some level of you or at least there should be that cares about their opinion right so it's not like I don't want to piss her off it's like okay I value uh your viewpoint you think my hair would look way worse as a bowl cut I tend to agree I think I have a way out for this guy yeah I think he should make fun of his bandmates relentlessly for even suggesting that they all get bowl cuts. Like, just aggressively make fun of that idea. Yeah, let's explore that.

And I think eventually he'll, like, find the weak link in the band. He's honestly probably the bass player or the drummer. Why do you say that? Get him to flip, because they're the non-dominant band members. That's why I'm so angry all the time on stage. They don't get to make any decisions. So if he can win one of them to his side, then I think he can start to sway the bowl cut idea. There's a point to be made that the bowl cut idea is very lame.

It's very stupid. Let's admit that right off the bat. Well, we don't know what's going on down there, man. Everything is topsy-turvy. Bowl cuts are cool. Bands are serious. This girlfriend might be a crocodile for all we know. She's a sea croc. It's biting off the Beatles.

You might as well do something original. It is kind of cool to do the Beatles. And even the Beatles ditched that bowl cut pretty quick. Yeah, they just grew it out. Yeah, they were like, it's cool to come up with something original that you all want to do. Yeah. Like all you guys wear sunglasses.

That's fucking tight. Or what about monk haircuts, you know? A tonsure. Yeah. Like a monk haircut where you just have like a halo of hair. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good look. Not a lot of people are doing that.

Yeah. On Larry David. So what's this guy's ultimate advice do what will um piss off the person less is what i say if your girlfriend will be more pissed than your bandmates then do what she wants and if your band will be more pissed than your girlfriend then do what they want that's bad advice do whatever the person like yeah just do whatever will make you in least least amount of trouble. No.

Do whatever you want. No. No. No. That's bad advice. I say anti-bull cut. Do whatever the fuck you want. No.

He doesn't want the bull cut. He doesn't want the bull cut. Don't get the bull cut. Exactly. Don't get the bull cut. It couldn't matter less. You're in high school and it's your hair. But you don't understand.

Everything's going to be fine. This matters the most to him. I know. This is the most important thing in the world, right? Man, what a wonderful life this kid leads. Which is why we as 30-year-olds get to be like, it doesn't matter. We can tell him the truth. We don't have to be like, we don't have to be placating.

What would I do in this situation? Whatever the fuck I wanted to. That's it. But that's what you do in every situation. Exactly. And it worked out pretty damn good for me, didn't it? You have a bowl cut my band's serious um all right there you have it did you guys see louis last week

nah okay were you on it no nervous writer the return of nervous writer he does this thing where he impersonates all four beatles in a row to make his kids uh go to sleep and it's really good wow that's all i gotta say about that all right does he he does different accents for each one i feel like i always just do the same i'm john i'm george i'm paul or i'm is it paul yeah paul i'm paul i'm ringo oh my god you're such an immigrant just like the beatles i'm more i'm as un-american what is it cheeseburger i'd like a cheeseburger please yeah cheeseburger am i saying it right cheeseburger i'm not saying it right oh i'm sorry you make fun of me uh for getting hamburgers instead of cheeseburgers.

Yeah. You think cheeseburgers should be the default. I feel like once someone invented a cheeseburger, they should have just stopped making hamburgers. It's such an obvious improvement. So you're saying the cheeseburger should be a hamburger, and a hamburger should be a hamburger without cheese. There should just be no option to get it without cheese. One time Burger King tricked me because you have to ask for cheese there. Yeah. And I've never been more angry in my life.

And he's never gone back to Burger King. I haven't. I was like, this is ridiculous. This hamburger has no cheese on it. And they're like, sir, that's a cheeseburger. And you're like, no, no, no, that's a hamburger. Ridiculous. I called my dad.

He thought the exact same thing. He was like, they got you, didn't they? He's eating it too the cheese thing i've been there i've done that oh yeah oh yeah um all right another lady's name oh jackie jackie boom third question from jackie writes hey guys so here's my dilemma i'm going to alaska this summer to work at a fish processing plant. I went last year and had a great time, met awesome people, and made lots of money. However, this year my girlfriend wants to come with me. I love her and spending time with her, but one of the reasons I go up there is to get away from the real world for a bit,

and I think having her there would change that and it wouldn't be the same experience. How do I tell her that without sounding like a dick? Or does that actually make me a dick thanks in advance love what'd you say her name was jackie jackie is it a girlfriend as in wait what are you talking about as in they're a lesbian couple or girlfriend as in her female friend i think her bestie girlfriend like they're a couple yeah you get up and walk away excuse me i'm not good day sir i'm really confused why two women as a couple she's getting sick over here jake's getting sick your hair's falling down into a bowl cut more ben serious yahoo serious um that's a tough one. Yeah, vacation to want to get away.

And then your girlfriend's like, oh, I'll come with. And you're like, oh. But I like being away from you. In her head, her girlfriend's like, oh my god, I'm the sweetest. Like, look at me going up to stupid Alaska to rip salmon guts out just for you. Right. I feel like that signifies a fundamental problem in the relationship. Like, hey, I'll Just for you. I feel like that signifies a fundamental problem in the relationship. Like, hey, I'll come

with you. No, I really like gutting fish by myself in Alaska. I love interesting, but I want to go to Alaska and touch dead fish for a summer. The least appealing thing you could possibly do, go to the furthest away

and do the worst thing. I'd rather do that than you. How about one little ray of sunshine i'll come along no i really like the dead fish i prefer to be alone with a fish actually yeah i'd like my hand up in an all-white albacore okay without you there i kind of commiserate with this i haven't quite been able to uh figure out how to tell someone that I'm in a relationship with that I prefer time apart because it seems like a slap in the face. But I don't think it necessarily is. Right. Because absence makes the heart grow fonder. Yeah.

You have to set that shit up like early though. Yeah. Right. Because I feel like, you know, you have a girlfriend and she's flying somewhere. And you're like, oh, I'll drive you to the airport. And that's like the first three months shit. Right. And then like two years later, they're like, oh, I'm going. I'm flying.

Will you drive me to the airport? Like, oh, can you fucking take cab shit? You used to take me to the airport. Yeah. You used to do this. You used to do that. Right. Like obviously the.

You used to text me all day. The politeness of a relationship can't sustain the insane first three months. Amir, calm down. That was me on my best behavior. Don't you get that? This is you leaving a voicemail to your ex-girlfriend. Get off the phone, dude. Amir, we already broke up.

You don't have to justify this shit to me anymore. No, but like, understand my motivations here because... But do you find yourself being less... You're married, so do you find yourself... I spend a lot of time away from Vanessa. No, you do. Stina does real romantic shit. When we were in the Seattle market, you bought her a big box of her favorite tea.

Right. I thought that was really sweet. That stuff is awesome. But in general, do you find yourself doing less romantic stuff than you did the first three months when you're courting her? Maybe the frequency is less like when we first started dating i was like every week it was like oh i gotta do something i have to like surprise her somehow and now since we've been married for a few years it's like i'll still do that stuff but it's not as you know we have life to deal with like oh she's gotta go to work i gotta go to work

you guys are contractually obligated to stay together at this point right yeah you have no real incentive to like planning the fire. Exactly, yeah, yeah, exactly. In the beginning, it's a contract. It's a tabloid agreement from the son. That's what marriage is? Contract? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a contract. Cool. I'll do that. It pays dividends. That's what love is. Well, it's like in the beginning relationship, what's it called with the beginning of a fire where you're blowing on it? Spark?

Yeah, but not a spark. Tinder? Yeah, Tinder. Tinder. a little the beginning of a fire where you're like blowing on it spark yeah like a no but not a spark it's like yeah tinder it's just like you're blowing on like this little piece of like coal that's like getting bright red every time you blow on it you're just like trying to sustain this thing and then by the time you're married it's like a full going fire you're like oh i mean this thing will keep burning on by itself i don't need i don't need one of those accordion billows things would put it the opposite of how you put it where it starts it's a raging inferno and then it cools down to a nice glowing ember that's comforting and warm oh yeah i guess that's true it doesn't make you all hot and sweaty right you know what it is like i would never so

since like i get time away from vanessa and we spend time away it It sucks, and I miss her, but I would never ever then come home and be like, hey, I'm going on vacation with my boys for a week. You can't do that anymore. Yeah, like when you can go away together or whatever, you have to do it, and you should want to do it, and if you don't want to, that's weird. Well, what if your life was the opposite? What if you were in New York all the time,

you never traveled, and then you had an opportunity to go on vacation without her? I think it's totally fine to to spend time apart like you need time away from each other you do after like three months like you said you need to start being like all right i'm gonna just like go away for the weekend with my friends and like i'll see you after right that's like what keeps you sane um but to go away for a whole summer is that's a lot that's a big one so why don't we tell her this she's not a dick for wanting to go away but maybe this girlfriend can come for only

part of the time and you justify that by telling her like oh I like just being by myself not without you just by myself for part of it so why don't you come for part of it and then I'm alone for part of it especially because what the fuck is that girl gonna do all the all summer while her girlfriend is chilling in a fish processing plant right gut and salmon sockeye we're talking i guess it's beautiful you go on hikes line caught sock guy this sounds kind of dope i would like to go to

alaska for the summer you can go and work on one of those crab boats like on deadliest catch i wouldn't mind doing that i I would get ripped forearms. You have such a better life here. I mean, I really can't stress that enough. But my forearms would be jacked. Your forearms are already jacked, by the way. I wish everyone could see them. I mean, my God, we have to do another video episode.

Those are just cut. God damn, look at those. Those are the pistons. It's climbing, dude. Is that the Wolverine? Nope, that's climbing. I feel like I'm watching a Wolverine trailer in HD. Really?

Yeah, those forearms look so defined. Do they? definition it's like a dictionary i don't even know because i live with them every day yeah you just get used to it yeah wow what's funny i don't see them grow because i see them every day yeah they're like they're just part of me now i guess it's just me um all right should we take a little breaky break a little breather just uh let's calm down we're getting a little steam steamy in there and i'm sorry it was heat it was hot it was pure heat hot hot heat uh any funny stories from the tour karaoke night yes oh after san francisco this tour was way more tame right but you still got it was short it was short uh yeah during the last night i got um completely shit-faced because they were we like we were drinking whiskey backstage yeah yeah then i was drinking vodka red bull backstage you didn't finish yours so i drank

yours yeah and then during the line they just kept on like when people were like coming up to meet us they just kept on putting shots of whiskey. Oh, yeah. That's why that happened. And that's the last. Oh, I traded shirts with a random dude. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

You stole some teenager's shirt. Yeah. It's a dope shirt. I actually gave him a really dope shirt, though. So I'm kind of bummed. But. Forgot about that. Then the next memory.

And I have two memories after that. One is watching you guys sing karaoke. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You two were singing Shaggy, My Angel. Just Angel. Oh yeah, sorry. Yeah, don't justify it with a my.

You don't have to qualify. You guys were, it was a completely dead karaoke bar. Yeah, it was. There's no worse feeling than being drunk, and it's like Sunday night at 1130. You're like, why isn't everyone as drunk and crazy as me? I just want to go to a crowded place and yell at strangers. There was just four old people not having that song.

But we lit that place up. I actually have a video of it. Do you really? Yes, I have a video of it, too, from a phone number that I don't know. You know who it was? It was Garrett. Garrett B. Garrett B. You took video of it? Yes. I have a video of it, too, from a phone number that I don't know. You know who it was? It was Garrett. Garrett. Garrett B.

Garrett B. He took video of it? Yeah. Oh, dope. I want to watch that video. You just wander through it. It's funny. Your head just floats in.

I also took... After that, we went to a diner. Wait. Do you remember the guy who went after us? Oh, yeah. He was great, too. Yeah. What did he say?

He sang a Queen song. I thought you were a great one. Yeah. He sang a... Oh, yeah. He was great, too. Yeah. What did he sing? He sang a Queen song. I thought you were a great one. Yeah. He sang a... Oh, yeah. He sang a... Somebody to Love. Yeah.

Which is like karaoke, like degree of difficulty, nine and a half out of ten. And he killed it. He slayed. It's hard to do Freddie Mercury in karaoke. Who would have thought at a karaoke bar in the Castro, somebody would do a good Freddie Mercury. Someone would be able to sing Queen. Who would have thought?

Then we went to a diner because it was the only place that was open past midnight on a sunday and i took a great photo of you looking miserable you turned so quickly i was really happy for a while and then in that diner i ordered like i ordered uh great biscuits and gravy while we were waiting for it i went to the bathroom for 15 minutes and uh puked my brains out. Came back. Fell asleep over your food. Fell asleep over my food. But I also, I think I housed it. It was pretty good.

Yeah. Did we all go home together? Yeah, we all slept with each other that night. Oh, wow. We had 11 parties. I slept with Dave that night. Did you? We were coming back.

We took that weird little hotel. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Me and you went, because me and Street are on one floor, and you and Dave are on another. Yeah, and we were walking to the room, and I was just like, do you want to sleep in my bed? He was like, really? He was like, yeah. He was like, yes.

We slept together all night. It was beautiful. That was a bad hotel. Should we put a hotel on blast? A hotel blast? That hotel sucked. It was really gross. It was a hotel union square.

Put them out there on blast now. I felt bad, but you know what? The people who worked there were nice. Yeah, the people who worked there. We're not knocking them. They were great. Don't stay there. It's a tenement building.

Yeah, it looked like somebody moved there in the 70s. When they first get to San Francisco, they get off the bus and get a room for $45. But now we're sounding like assholes. We got to stay in a hotel for free on our tour. It was dirty. It was bad. It just looked like it should be really nice. I think that's what made me so mad because it looked really nice.

The lobby looked awesome, and I was like, oh boy, this is a fan. And then you get in the room and you're like, oh, it's the size of a closet and there's rats living here. And then a building caught on fire right next door. You texted us, you were like, bomb or fire. Just say fire. You can't assume

bomb. A bomb went off. I saw smoke billowing up. You heard an explosion? Maybe it was like a car screeching to a halt. You can't assume bomb. I heard an explosion and I saw smoke billowing up. You heard an explosion? Maybe it was like a car screeching to a halt. Dude, you said bomb and I swear to God I thought it was like 9-11. Well, that's what it looked like. It looked like giant plumes of smoke right next to our hotel and people were like scrambling in the streets. Yeah, that's true.

But like fucking saying bomb really makes me feel like we're under attack. It was very scary i always go for the worst that way if it's not a bomb you're relieved i think it was a grease fire at a burger king yeah within like 15 minutes everything was back to normal you know what it was somebody was didn't get cheese on his hand yeah yeah hey where were you during that street don't worry about it you were so pissed that smoke came out of your ears, and that was the fire. Everyone thought it was an explosion. You call this a whopper?

Oh, I also wanted to mention our live podcast. On May 31st, Saturday. May 31st. 8 p.m. at the Hollywood Improv. Tickets still available. Please come. We're thinking of getting some cool special guests. It's not me.

That's all we'll say. It's not me. You won't be here on May 31st? I don't think so. You should just move to L.A. already. Yeah. It's getting kind of annoying. I'd love to, yeah.

Although I would say we'd probably see you more often that you visit, because if you lived here, we would be more casual with how often we saw you. And now that you're here, it's like you're staying with us every other week. We'd break plans a lot. Yeah. We'd be like, let's get dinner, and then day after we'd be like, oh, you know what? That's classic L.A., dude.

You know what? I'm just like, nah, I haven't had a long day. I'm busy. Yo, can we push it to eight? Like, actually, you know what i do you know what i'm just like i'm not i've had a long day i'm busy yo can we push it to eight like actually you know what i don't even think i can make it oh cool oh you see that traffic just like happy sitting on our couch not seeing each other that's the best uh mulaney joke like the most real john mulaney joke is that it's so easy not to see yeah he was like canceling plans is like uh he was like it's like social heroin or something i don't want to ruin the joke but it's like it's just it is like, it's like social heroin or something. I don't want to ruin the joke, but it's like, it's just, oh, I think it goes in terms of instant gratification.

Canceling plans is like heroin. That's really funny. We had a meeting canceled yesterday. We're really happy. Yeah. It's like a two hour obligation. Less opportunity. Yeah.

It's a meeting with like a producer who we should of course be like excited to see. We should be researching his films. We should be brainstorming ideas. We should be in there pitching ourselves. And instead, it's like, we didn't do Jack's shit. Morning of, they're like, yay, it's Kaz. We're like, yeah! We're going to be unemployed forever.

And we didn't even do anything yesterday. We didn't record a podcast. We didn't write anything. You got lunch with your friend. I got lunch with Mike Carnell. We had a day off, actually. That's fun think we deserved it because we had a half day on Monday And it wiped us You have a life off

Last week in San Francisco We didn't do anything So that was good We're back from vacation and now we're sort of in a different home vacation We're in the transition period You're in a staycation We're used to not doing anything far away from home, so now we're not going to do anything at home, and then we'll ease into work.

What did you say recently? You're like, most people have their work and time off. Oh, yeah. And then in their third layer of extra time off or something, and we only have time off. We only have vacation. Oh, it's leisure time. Yeah, yeah. It's work time, personal hobby time, it's leisure time. Yeah, yeah. It's like work. It's work time, like personal hobby time, and then leisure time.

Right. And all we have is hobby time and leisure time. Right. We don't have work time. Yeah. We only have two times. But most people have like a 40-hour work week, and then in their spare time, they do something still like-

Yeah, they do something they're passionate about. Yeah. But it's still work. Oh, I'm going to do woodworking. That'd be like your rock climbing would be their free time. Right. But instead we have a third layer of time, which is just boredom, which I deal with all the time now. Yeah.

It's absolutely nothing time. How can you be bored? Well, it's hobby time. You're a writer. Hobby time, writing. And then leisure time, climbing and TV. And then I have all this other time that normally other people would be using for their hobbies and their leisure. Right.

But my leisure is already done and my hobby is already done. You should get a job. Yeah, by nighttime I'm leisured out. Yeah, so then I just jerk off three times a day. Why don't you become a landscaper, dude? Landscaper? You got this big old yard here. You can do some scaping out there.

That would be cool. I would totally be down for that, but I don't own this place. Look at those plums, dude. They're all dead. You got to take care of that shit there's a drought man i can't take care of the earth all right let's get to the last question we're already running dangerously over but you know such a chat chatterbox people love that shit they love it all right one last question give the people what they want give the people what they want give the people what they didn't

ask for oh it's another girl okay that's female character great news trophy wife it has one grown male character so we got plenty of female options okay let's go with meg meg writes here's my situation i a 20 year old lady have recently broken things off with a 27 year old guy who i was only casually dating for about five months. It turned out that he didn't want a serious relationship, and I told him that if that was the case, then I couldn't stay around. Fast forward to about three weeks, and here I am, missing both his company and the sex. We've talked maybe once since we ended things, but I've been debating whether or not to try to talk him into dating me again. However, I'm worried that since he hasn't really reached out to me much that he's lost any and all interest in me so what do

you guys think i should do should i reach out or just leave him be i would love to hear your opinion since he's closer to your guys's age thanks meg oh meg meg's meg's 20 meg would like to renege poor little meg poor little Meg and then her boyfriend is 27 or 26 27 the dude she was fucking casual yeah

oh it's just a cash yeah well he was like I want to be casual and then she's like well if you're not gonna treat me seriously I'm gonna leave and he's like

alright bye and then three weeks later she's like wait actually I changed my mind I'm down I just fuck you okay baby

this is an ultimatum. You gotta be serious about me or we're not having sex anymore. All right, we're not gonna have sex anymore. Okay. Wait. Wait. What? Who are you?

I still wanna fuck. Well, I've already found two other 20-year-olds to fuck. Date me. No. Marry me. It's been three weeks and I'm considering asking him to date me again. Yeah, you already asked him to date you. Don't.

I don't think she gets what she wants, no matter what happens. She doesn't get what she wants. No, you don't. Stick to your guns. Exactly. And then at the very least, you will have your self-respect. Because he is, honey, he's a dickweed, okay? Let me tell you, sister.

He is a dickweed. You could do so much better than him. Honey he's a dick weed Okay Let me tell you sister He is a dick weed Preach You could do so much better than him You know And I don't necessarily think That he's a dick weed But he doesn't want anything serious He told you

And you said If that's the case Then I can't be with you And then you left And that's it That's really it But now she's like Oh maybe we can fuck

I think he's doing Something honorable Yeah she told her the truth Yeah he was like Look I can't I can't give you what you want So I'm not gonna waste your time And she's not saying She wants to just fuck she's saying i'm missing him and i'm considering

asking him to date me again that's what like you can't go you he just didn't talk to you for three weeks you can't just go back and be like hey i actually was really serious about that offer of dating seriously right you can't do that it's over it's over yeah i think it's over i mean she can try if she's really broken up about it she's just she's no harm in trying sounds like she just misses boning no she doesn't she's gonna miss you're gonna go back and start boning you just get attached and you're gonna feel bad and then he's gonna be like i get everything i want i've got i told her i wanted to be casual and you're like back there being like oh faux casual like oh this is so cool and whatever i don't care can i see you tonight he's like no i'm busy oh yeah fine i'll do my thing who are you fucking if it isn't me then who i feel like you've been through this

you're this 27 year old you're the guy yes and don't give me what i want but it's working what he's what I want. But it's working. What he's doing is working. Of course it's working. But you have to, as hard as it is, make it not work. Break the system. You can beat me. I can be vanquished. I'm giving you the fucking roadmap.

And maybe he'll reach out to you one day. What if he reaches out to you and he's like, hey, can we just have one casual night? You think she should say no? Say no. Definitely say no. Of course not. You think she's going to, though no yeah what's that what's that metaphor why buy them why buy the cow when you get the milk for free yeah why buy the milk when you get the cow for free why drink the cow when you buy the milk for free you can take a good look at it by sticking your head up a steak's ass but i'd rather take the cow's worth for it um i want to i'm like in my head i imagine this dude as like this nice like understanding guy

who's like you know what like i can't make that commitment and like i want you to uh you know i don't want me to stop you from meeting some great guy who can but like you know in reality this guy's like a hyper douche he's just like whatever i definitely found another fucking 20 year old to fuck so i don't even need you like that's who he really is the guy that doesn't talk with his mouth closed i can't close my mouth and i don't care why is it easier for a 27 year old to get 20 year olds than a 20 year old to get 20 year old itolds than a 20-year-old to get 20-year-old? It's almost like age compensates for attractiveness. It's weird because you can't, as the male in this scenario, it seems like this great deal.

But, like, you can't be a 25-year-old guy and going out with a 19-year-old girl. Like, that would suck the worst. For you. So you're saying it would suck to date a 19-year-old? it would but it would not suck yeah me too but i think like girls that age girls are like attracted to older dudes yeah but then i find like i don't know when you like when you hung out with like younger girls aren't you like oh god it's so annoying right now i guess it depends on the girl but yeah in general i guess it's better to date someone who's more mature but what about if you're just interested in boning well then what does it matter it doesn't matter yeah do

you subscribe to the divide your age by two plus seven thing like it's 27 and 22 is that too young i would say it would be a little that like it would just be weird because when you're 27 you're in such a different stage in your life yeah you know i'm 31 and i have to sort of decide when to cut the cut the age limit off i would cut yourself off at 27 27 that's high maybe 26 you think if i if i slept with or dated a 25 year old that would be weird what's the i think it'd be maybe weird if you dated one for a long time a 25 year old i don't remember i feel like if you're out of college i think 24 that way you're like at least out of college for a couple years i remember i forget the year that my brain turned into an adult brain. But also, like, girls are so different. Girls, there are girls that are mature at, like, 20, 21, 22.

Definitely more mature than I am. Sir. And that is why, Your Honor, I feel that. This is me, like, talking with my hands up as a dude, some dad's pointing a shotgun at me. She told me she was 16, Your Honor. That's still too young. Is it? Oh, Christ.

I just thought it was hot. Yeah. Can I suggest masturbating to this girl? That way she's at least having an orgasm and she'll desire him less. Or does that not work for girls? I don't know. That's a weird thing, right? I think that's only a guy thing. When a guy climax guy climaxes he's like oh i don't need sex for the

next half hour oh my brain will work for a one to half hour i'll have but when a girl orgasms she might just want another one right away yeah because they can just keep going it seems like it makes them more awake and guys more tired thoughts is? I would agree. 100%. Okay. So take that away. Don't masturbate. That's what it is. It removes... Become celibate. Just go out, find another 20...

Find another dude that's going to treat you better. That's all you need to do. There's so many. Do a 20-year-old guy a favor and go do a 20-year-old guy. Just don't be with anybody that stresses you out. That's the rule. Also... This guy, whether he sucks't be with anybody that stresses you out that's the rule also this guy whether he sucks or not he sucks for you and fucking meet somebody else yeah the best way to

get over someone is to find a new person boom yeah and amir is single and ready to tingle i'm actually 27 years old 27 i'll straight take you to heaven 27 in 48 months alright that's it we went long but you know what that's gonna happen sometimes thank you Streeter thanks for having me guys do you want to plug anything I got nothing to plug what about your TV show well I guess oh when's this come out tomorrow yeah Thursday I guess watch the yeah

the season finale of Trophy Wife if 20 million people watch it they'll probably bring back you know what I think the call will already be made by that point but hopefully there's another season i have a job i can move out here live with you guys uh and thanks to uh colin and uh what was his name cory cory and colin for submitting that theme song if you have a theme song of your own or a question of your own send it to if i were youhow at gmail.com. We're just going to start and end every episode with a completely new original theme song.

And this last one at the end of this episode was written by Rudy. Rudy, I guess it's an Adventure Time parody. So, yeah. Thanks for listening, everybody. We'll be back on Monday. Peace. If I were you, the podcast show,

they'll answer very real questions. With Jake the Monster, Amir the Good Guy, Monday. Peace.