Segments - 78: Steroids (with Rick Fox And Kyle Fox)

Episode Date: May 19, 2014

Three time NBA Champion Rick Fox and his son join us to discuss performance enhancing drugs, condoms, and canine theft. This episode is brought to you by Audible.com -- the worlds largest selection of audio books. Support our show and get your first book FOR FREE by clicking here: http://bit.ly/1jL8RLX See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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See what it says? It says you can't do other stuff while you read. Oh. Yeah, yeah. So what's the worst part about reading? You can't do other stuff while you read. Oh. Yeah, yeah. So what's the worst part about reading? You can't do other stuff while you're doing it. That's right. Until now.

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It's affordable. It's convenient. It's audible.com. Now, let's get this party started because we had pretty chill guests this episode. Very true. We talked to three-time NBA champion Rick Fox, and also three-time NBA champion son Kyle Fox. Todah. I assure you things got real. Please enjoy.

Take out the mirror here. Listen to the song. If I were you, what would I do? I think I'm rolling. Really? Yeah. That was some real EDM, trance, hip-hop, electronica. If I gave you two guesses as to where that fan lives, what would you say? I would say Iceland.

That's correct. Iceland is correct. Is that true? Yes. Fuck yeah, I knew it. His or her name is Eagle Seeger Svinsson. Yes. And they're from Iceland.

His name sounds like the song. Yeah. Rick Fox is here. I know someone from Iceland. Who? Miss, I used to call her Icy. Bjork. No, not Bjork. I just like to imagine a world where you to call her Icy. Bjork. No,

not Bjork. I just like to imagine a world where you call Bjork Icy. Her name was Berglund. Berglund? Yeah, look her up. How did you meet her? I met her here in Hollywood. Oh, cool. Yes, I think it was a party somewhere here in Hollywood. It was long ago. Yeah. I can understand why you called her Icy

because Berglund's the worst name I've ever heard in my life. She changed her name to Icy. Her name was Icy and she was beautiful. She was incredible. Tall. She was probably like 5'10".

Yeah, the shortest woman in Iceland. I think she was Miss Iceland. Oh, shit, really? Yeah. When we were in Iceland, every girl I saw in Iceland was either the most beautiful girl I've ever seen

or a potato. Or a potato. Or they were a potato with eyes. It was either the most beautiful girl I've ever seen or an Icelandic gentleman. Right. There was no difference. But that was a nice intro. Yeah.

That was really a nice intro. I loved it. That was very icy. Yeah. They have a YouTube channel. This person does. of our i see yeah uh they have a youtube channel this person uh does i don't know if it's a band or a solo act but it's youtube.com slash the adio day what uh t-h-e-a-d-i-o-d-e got it so if you like music from iceland every music from iceland sounds like that perfect that's what it sounds

like when kyle is here too yeah i'm also here oh yeah sorry about that you you only introduced his dad his daddy i i thought we're gonna be cool amir but this is yeah i guess i apologize i uh jake's dad is also here we haven't introduced him yet either yeah but he's not gonna speak to me are you dad that's what you get for not signing him up with a credit card for college that's yeah my dad and ko dad and Kobe Bryant just sitting over there in the corner. Stewing together. Never say a word on the podcast. That was a deep pull. That was like an episode eight pull that Kobe Bryant is always on the podcast. I think we've said it on two episodes now.

So now this is the third. This makes it official. So Kyle, you not only have submitted a question of your own once, but you've listened to every episode of ours? I don't want to freak you out, but I've listened to every episode at least three times. i listen i listen to it once and then i listen to it again but it's so sad because like you know you show up and i'm like how am i going to tell these people that i've listened to not only every episode but multiple times on every episode you're

going to tell us on air during the podcast yeah i mean this is i feel like it feels it feels right i love it after i prodded him to. So, Rick, just in case you haven't listened to every episode three times, which I'm sure you have. Only twice. Only twice. I'd actually just like to cut in. He's lying. He's never listened to the podcast. I tried to put it on.

On the way here, he said, no, goddammit, Kyle, I'm trying to drive. I like the spontaneity. I said I want to be able to not prepare myself for the questions. Well, let's have Kyle explain it to his dad then. Yeah, how does the show work? Yeah, Kyle, explain it to him. Oh, you're putting me on the spot here. Right.

Putting you on the spot, not to put you on blast. Yeah, you're, I don't know. Okay, we, okay. It's me and Kyle. We get questions from people who they email in at ifiwereyoushowatgmail.com. Wow. Better than Amir so far. I know, right?

And then we give advice. And it's not always good, but we at least try to be funny. I mean, what else can you say? That was perfect. You're on the show now. I'll host it with Kyle. Be careful. Turn lightly.

He won't leave. I will be on the show. As long as you're willing to do all the work that Amir does which is just reading the questions recording the podcast

editing the podcast posting the podcast promoting the podcast and reaching out to sponsors then I'm willing to take you on as my partner because you have everything else yeah

height just in case we ever form a basketball team I would like to take this time Jake what do you do here you're looking at it. I just sort of interrupt and I needle the mirror and I compliment you, you handsome, you devil.

I wanted to follow up with Kyle's question, but maybe we'll do that during the break. Yeah, we should do that during the break. Yeah, it's definitely a break thing. Let's get to actually answering some of these people's questions. These are real emails from real people, Rick Fox. From Iceland? They're not necessarily from real people, Rick Fox. From Iceland?

They're not necessarily from Iceland. From other places in the world? I wonder if we're popular in Iceland, we should go back and do a live podcast in Iceland. Yeah, but not in Reykjavik either. So this first email is from a lady, so we have to give her a fake name. Is there a...

You want to come up with fake names for us? Yeah, I like that. He came up with a fake name is there a is there you want to come up with fake names for us yeah all right i like that he came up with a fake name for bergland so we know he absolutely needs to be a theme though that's yeah so you can do like um i don't know ladies who went to college with how many questions do we get ten thousand uh you don't have to use real full names, but you know, some sort of lady's name. A nickname. Whatever. We'll start with Kristen.

Kristen. Kristen. I know I started with Kristen. Very good. I'm sorry, Kristen. Are we doing the last name? The full name? After we're done recording, I'm going to want to know the last name of the woman so I can look her up. This one's a doctor of pharmacy. she's actually like a brainiac she made something of herself yes she sure did unlike you

so i guess we have the upper hand we're smart now all right kristin writes hey guys i have a little problemo on my hands i recently found out that my boyfriend is doing steroids. Before we dated, he was lanky and scrawny, but then he started to go to the gym and I became more attractive to how buff he was and I dated him and now we're in a serious relationship. One of his gym friends recently told me that the way he got good looking and muscly is by using steroids and that he is still using them.

Should I confront him and tell him to stop or pretend that I don't know and let him keep doing it? I really like his muscles, and I'm scared that I won't be as attracted to him if he becomes scrawny again, but I've heard that drugs can sometimes ruin sex lives. What should I do? Please help. Thanks, Kristen. So just so we're clear, all of her concerns are for her, right?

It's like, well, I like his muscles, and I don't want him to be scrawny, but if he keeps doing steroids, I'm afraid the sex won't be as good for me. Yeah. For me, me, me. Right. What is best for me? Kristen was like that in college, too. This actually is Kristen. I didn't take any performance enhancing drugs in college, so I won't be in danger of not making the major league hall

of fame but yeah is that a is that an issue for um college athletes and or professional athletes not that i'm aware of i think for professional athletes they like in other sports it seems more prevalent that are maybe uh faced with the challenge of staying in the league or progressing in the league right some of them may make poor decisions and and head the direction of performing peds as we call see we call them pds oh yeah very cool yeah that's cool um but i think that's the problem that's the problem that christian's worried about performance erection dysfunction with the steroids but uh that would be the that would be the of the main reasons, other than I just wouldn't have known where to get them from, and I necessarily didn't need them.

So you would have done them? No, I wouldn't have done them. I did not. Let me be clear. I wanted them. I just did not know where to find them. When I was in high school, a bunch of people started doing steroids, but everyone was so lazy that they just got fat. They were just doing steroids and not lifting.

So they were expecting it to be like you take the steroids and then just instantly a six pack grows. Like Popeye eating spinach. We're like, no, I'm muscly. That's not how you have to like lift obsessively. Yeah. I wonder what steroids does anatomically. Does it just make muscle grow faster? I don't know.

I have fucking. Yeah. I plead the fifth. I have no idea. All I know is that it makes your head bigger for one it makes your testicles yeah and you get back right right the worst side effect of all zits on your back god forbid you're big and muscly but your your penis is shriveled and unusable so it's like why did i get muscles because now i can't use my i think we need to get back to

the fact that this person is just awful in general. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's not worth it. Let's bring that up. He was lanky and losery, and then he got buff, and now I'm attracted to him. But the way he did it was a little suspect, and I don't know whether to dump him or not. But not because she's concerned about, like, steroids can cause a heart attack, basically, right? They're very unhealthy. Yeah. Could easily lead to your death. Yes.

But she's just worried about it leading to a low libido. Do we have any advice for this person? I think we just have to scold her. This person on a full blast. A full 100% blast. Turn the mics up. Well, Kristen, let's just go around the room saying, Kristen, how dare you? I'll start since it brought up a lot of feelings for me.

Wow. You're talking to the actual Kristen. Kristen, how dare you? I'll start since it brought up a lot of feelings for me. You're talking to the actual Kristen. Kristen, how dare you? Kristen, how dare you? Kristen, how dare you? Kristen, good work. She knows what she wants. You know, you're

scrawny and lanky and you've been lifting and now you're getting bigger. Yeah, but I'm bigger in a still lanky way. I see. I'm not like. That's where you want to be though. I'm not actually gaining weight. They don't want the jigs.

Oh. What do you mean the jigs? Are you saying I'm too bulky, too buff? Yeah, a little bit too much. I'm too muscly. Yeah. You get that a lot. You get that a lot, don't you?

Do you think the three of us could beat up your dad? If all three of us? I myself could beat up my dad. No way. Oh, maybe I could see that. I haven't taken martial arts for eight years. All right, fine. You and your dad versus me in a mirror.

We would absolutely lose. Ask him how many times he's tried to beat me up. How many times have you tried to beat your dad up? Zero. I have no idea what he's talking about. Oh, because he knows. Oh, shit. He's got the height.

That's it. You've got the height and the reach that's right he knows better i feel like rick you're the only professional athlete that's lost weight since he retired from basketball that is funny that you say that because that's true right it's a recent occurrence that's you're you're in better shape now than you were when you played basketball for a living i i definitely was when i first retired the first few years. I think I could have been a fitness model. I don't know why. Maybe because I didn't have to go play games all the time and recovery on my own.

You were just working out? I was just working out every day. Playing golf, working out, and clubbing out. Clubbing out. That's where I met Berglund. I see. What up, baby? But other than that Yeah you don't Your life as a professional athlete when you're playing

Is filled with responsibility To actually show up and compete And the level at which you're competing Is so intense that the recovery Finds you just laid out in beds Eating food and just Well that's why a bunch of athletes They come back in September

I'm talking about basketball players They come back in September and October out of shape And that's what a bunch of athletes, like they come back in September. I'm talking about basketball players. They come back in September and October out of shape, and then they play. That's what they said about Shaq. He plays his way into shape by the time the playoffs start. I was just talking about that with me the other day. You talked to Shaq? I talked to Diesel. Diesel?

Yeah, I talked to Diesel. Cool, sir. Diesel and I were talking about Turner. They were covering the NBA finals. The playoffs, actually, not finals yet. And we were covering the NBA Finals. Playoffs, actually, not Finals yet. We were watching the game. We were recanting some of our memories from our days together playing. He would say,

he said to me, you remember when I used to come in and train in camp and kind of work my way into shape. I was like, yeah, no, I remember. It used to piss a lot of people off. Whatever. It pissed them off so much they gave me $128 million. Yeah, exactly.

I guess as long as you're playing good in April, it doesn't matter how fat you are in October. You know, for some people, to him, he could get away with that. Yeah. But obviously it was a bad example for the young players that don't have his talent. And it would actually really, really annoy Kobe, to say the least, because Kobe worked around the clock. Kobe, what do you think?

We've got it right here. Kobe and my dad are both shaking their heads. All right. They don't want to talk. Clamming up. Yeah, that's the problem. When non-good players become fat, then you're really fucked. Yeah.

Yeah, and that happens a lot, unfortunately. It does. I hate to bring this back to the question. Yeah. Yeah, and that happens a lot, unfortunately. It does. I hate to bring this back to the question, guys, but... Oh, how dare you? Sorry, we're talking about Shaq. We're trying to put Shaq on blast. We would never. Let's at least give an answer so we can move on.

I mean... This guy, he really is... We're on the podcast. Let's focus, people. All right, we had a fun little time. I'm literally the guest. I don't know why I'm wrangling you guys in. Hearing your dad talk about basketball is maybe the most interesting thing in the world for Amir.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like the most boring thing for you. It is the most boring thing for me and Jake. Come on, dude. Don't even put on with Kristen in a relationship. Dad, quit talking about Shaq. Who cares what he was saying? Shaq, Kobe, whatever, whatever.

I've been hearing that since I was three. I have, actually. That's a true fact. We had the championship parade, the first one in 2000. Yeah, I was there. You were there. I took Kyle to join me. This is the best story.

And he was there. How old were you? Seven? No, you were there. I took Kyle to join me. This is the best story. And he was there and he wanted – How old were you? Seven? No, you were like – No, I – You were five? I was maybe five. You were six. You were six.

Six. Because you were born in 94. He was six. And we're having this massive parade and we're up on the stage and Jack's, you know, can you dig it? Yeah. And all this stuff is going on. And the confetti's coming down and I can't find my son.

And he's behind, running around the confetti, sliding all over the place, right? Fast forward, this becomes a regular occurrence, right, every year. This is like a yearly thing. It's like Christmas. It's a yearly thing, right? I'm thinking, look, Kyle, we won again. Dad has a trophy. He still doesn't care.

He still doesn't care. He hates the moment. It's the third one. The trophy still doesn't care. Hates the moment. It's the third one where we're getting in the car to drive downtown, and he's like, where are we going? And I go, hey, we've got a championship parade again. Kyle goes, oh, not that again. Right?

That is a true story. He did not. Even at age eight, you weren't even following the games. You're like, why is dad? No, I did not care at all. Why is dad in New Jersey? Oh, well, it doesn't matter. That's literally what it was. I was in Boston.

Just goes, where's dad? He's like, he's in Wyoming or something. I don't care. What is this? They don't have a team in Wyoming. Shut up. This is it. Maybe someday there'll be a franchise in Wyoming.

Just not yet. They don't have a team in Wyoming? But yeah, but I used to, he used to kill me. He just, he didn't, he could care less. Do you still not give a shit about Wyoming? But yeah, but I used to, he used to kill me. He just, he didn't, he could care less. Do you still not give a shit about basketball? Oh, absolutely. Yeah, I'm just now kind of getting into it. Like, I'm just now sort of like, oh, Blake Griffinley, that's cool.

He likes podcasts. I like, I listen to your guys' podcasts. Like, that's my life. I could give a shit about basketball. That's so funny. You listen to the podcast more than I do. Yeah. Which I've never, I haven't listened to an episode.

Can I just, I would really like to bring this up. All jokes aside, do you listen to the podcast more than I do. Yeah. Which I've never – I haven't listened to an episode. Can I just – I would really like to bring this up. All jokes aside. Do you listen to the podcast? No. Why? I don't understand. Because he experiences it. I'm experiencing it right now.

I'm going to listen to this every day. Are you kidding me? I was on the podcast. My girlfriend is going to be listening to this every day too. Oh, you're going to ruin this story. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah, this is a story for all of you.

Let's get to question number two. Oh, wait. We didn't – we still have – We still have an answer. Kristen, sorry. Yeah, there's a story for all of you. Let's get to question number two. We saw it, but it's Kristen. How dare you? I really do think Kristen, how dare you? I think you're worried about all these superficial things. Well, let me say this. Let's try to equate it to something real, right? What's more real than being buffed?

When a girl gets a breast enhancement, right? That can cause a lot of pain and back problems, right? So let's equate it to that. What would you say to a guy who had a girlfriend who got a breast enlargement surgery? Well, breast enhancements aren't illegal. Steroids are against the law. Well, now you're just getting into semantics. Is the law semantics?

Let me rebut. So he drives without a license. You guys don't respect the law at all. I mean, we're a little bit above the law. Let me rebut this. Are steroids illegal or are they just against sports rules? They're just against sports rules. You can take steroids.

Doctors prescribe steroids to people who need them. Yes, but only when you really need them. Like if you have eczema, I put steroid cream on my egg. I feel like if you had SARS or the swine flu, you get steroids or something like almost kills you it like boosts your muscles you're saying just using steroids for the sake of getting stronger is illegal i'm pretty positive they're illegal unfortunately we're all idiots no no gentlemen i can't wait request submitted the websites that come up with steroids legal it's at least unhealthy i think she should if she should be concerned about her boyfriend if she cares but she's not yeah and i think if that she that you're not it's um it's a fundamental problem with the relationship

i mean it's not with the relationship just with you you're a bad person yeah well you're looking deep into my eyes when you said i want to be sure you're talking to me. You're a bad person. I was piercing. I'd really hate to be on the actual receiving end of that. Yeah, so maybe your priorities are a little out of whack if that's what you're concerned about. Let this guy go. You got some good steroid loving out of it. Or just date him until he dies. I mean, if that's... Yeah, which is probably right around the corner.

The steroids are a thing. That's true. You know, it's because of girls like this that guys even take steroids. Exactly. She's incentivizing it. I typed R-steroids, and the two most common searches are R-steroids illegal and R-steroids legal. I wonder, like, the person who wants to take steroids is like, are they legal? Please.

Yeah. And then me, I wanted them to be illegal. What's the answer? Is it a gray area? You need a prescription from a doctor. Okay. Well, that's not illegal then.

Yeah. Forget it. Is it like how you need a prescription from a doctor to get marijuana? How you just say you have asthma or anxiety and they give you steroids?

Well, I'm on Yahoo Answers, so who the fuck knows? Are there certain states that steroids are legal in? Yeah, like Colorado and Washington. Colorado. Yeah. They're so progressive, those states.

They have edible steroids. They put them in brownies now. I would take a steroid brownie, but you don't know how long it takes to wear off, and you don't know the dosage. It's dangerous. Steroids are illegal. Are illegal?

They are illegal. Okay. I'm starting to feel very bad. We're 30 minutes into the podcast. One question in. As a viewer, I feel very bad. Sound up in the comments, y'all. Specifically lawyers.

Yeah, let's get to the next non-steroid-based question. We need a dude, a guy you went to high school with. That you also dated. The girl with the most masculine name. Yeah. Rick didn't have any male friends in college. It you also dated. Sorry. The girl with the most masculine name. Yeah. Rick didn't have any male friends in college. It was all women.

Well, I was on a team, so I had a ton of teammates. Sure. One of my teammates was named King. King. King. That's a masculine name. That's good. Yeah, it's a masculine.

King David, actually. King David, really? Yeah. Dope. Pretty badass. He's a coach now, right? Yeah. There you go.

Your name is Rick Fox, and you had the second coolest name on the team. I know, right? It's like crazy. Dang. He's a coach now, right? Yeah. There you go. Your name is Rick Fox and you have the second coolest name on the team. I know, right? That's like crazy. That's rough. His last name was David and his first name was King? His middle name was David. His first name was King David Rice. David King Rice.

Damn. That is cool. No, King David Rice. King David Rice. You have to understand, his first name was King. We've got to get that through to you. King Rice. Yeah.

I think. I was almost named after him, wasn't I? Very close. I was about to be King Fox. Oh, my God. You fucked up, dude. I tried to hit him. It was my mom.

My mom was against it. Kyle? I was trying. So she gave me the K for Kyle. To be fair, though, my full name is Kyle Alexander Fox, which means handsome king of men fox. That's dope. That's pretty good yeah i'll talk about how if you want to compete my real name is ulrich alexander fox ulrich means

ruler of men great ruler alexander you can't go wrong with fox is the long and the short my name is jacob hurwitz it means held by the heel amirir Shmuel Fox. Can you imagine if this guy's name was Rice King? That's so much worse. Instead of King Rice. I'm the Rice King. I love rice so much. I'm the king of it. It's like Uncle Ben we were talking about

on the last episode. We're always talking about rice. All right. Hey, guys. About a month ago, a girl I had been dating for over a year convinced me to get rid of my dog. She brought up some very reasonable points.

I'm never at home. My dog might benefit from having a bigger yard. My house would be cleaner. I can get new furniture, et cetera. We made the decision together, and I started making improvements on my home. It was sad, but we were working through it. Well, last week, she broke up with me out of the blue, partially because she said I blamed her for making me get rid of my dog, which admittedly I did. I don't really care that I got it broken up with, but now I totally miss my dog.

I gave my dog to a shelter and threw a little bit of Facebook stalking and I actually was able to figure out where they sent him to live. Should I steal my dog from his new owner? He has a history of running away, so I figure I can get away with it as long as I left the gate open or something. I live far enough away that I don't think I'll ever run into them or risk getting caught. What do you think I should do? Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated.

To die in advance, King David Rice. Actually right now? It's pretty great. Is this where we're at in the podcast? Yeah. People are calling in about asking about crimes. Yeah, this is two illegal things. Steroids.

Can you look it up? Is stealing a dog technically illegal or is it just frowned upon? Well, no, no. Any question that says stealing. What if a doctor prescribes the theft? Is it still illegal? We should. All right.

So everyone in this story is terrible. Well, not necessarily. No, no, the girlfriend was right in a way because he said it was getting better. He said his life was better for it. No, he said he was making improvements on the home. I thought he missed the dog. No, he said I was making improvements on the home, but – and it was sad I was making improvements on the home. And then she broke up, and he's saying now I can get the dog back.

Yeah. That's not what you get to do. If you have a pet, that's a responsibility, and then you give it up. You don't get to steal the dog back. Yeah. That's not what you get to do. If you have a pet, that's a responsibility. And then you give it up. You don't get to steal the dog back. The dog probably doesn't want to be back there. He had an owner that was just like, hey, fuck you. Your hair is everywhere.

My girlfriend told me to. Now you're talking for the dogs? Now you're putting the owner on blast. You're the king dog. Am I insane? You guys. So they didn't get the dog together. No.

He had the dog before the girlfriend? Yeah. He had the dog. Girlfriend comes in and she's like, I didn't get the dog together you had the dog before the girlfriend yeah he had the dog girlfriend comes in and she's like i don't like if i'm the dog i'm pissed at him and we're all the dog because today we're all dogs came in and basically she wanted more attention yeah and she basically said choose him or me and he chose the girl and then some lovely family comes and adopts the dogs gives it gives it a love a loving home and he chose the girl. And then some lovely family comes and adopts the dog, gives it a loving home, and he's like, I kind of want to steal the dog back now that I'm dumped. What if...

Here's my suggestion. Don't steal it, but ask for it back. Yeah. Ask the dog first. He should go there, down on his knees. Whichever the dog goes to. If the dog goes, I forgive you. Yeah, yeah. Or it's that thing where you stand on either side and you see whichever the dog goes to. Suppose if the dog goes I forgive you. Yeah, yeah. Or it's that thing where you stand on either side and you

see which way the dog walks. Yeah. Here's a little trick for that game. Stuff dog food in your underwear. There you go. That's why I do that every day regardless just in case. You hate dogs. I don't hate dogs. You told me that if I got a dog you would pretend to hit it and kick it every single day so it would be afraid. Pretend to.

Pretend to. Pretend to. Can you believe that? Remember when I fostered that dog and you used to fake hit her and she would get scared. And I was like, you can't do that. I know you're not hitting her but you put fear in her.

Well, first of all, she already came from an abused home. Which is another reason why you absolutely shouldn't do that. Yeah, I was trying to like, okay, it's okay. Like, remember when somebody did this to you, but now I'm not going to do it. So I would raise my hand really swiftly, as if to strike the dog. And when she blinked and cowered away from me, it showed great reverence to me. And I would then find myself closer to your dog.

Horrible. Sadistic. You fucked up ass. You can only get close to things that show you reverence? Yeah. How dare you? It's a type of respect. I don't remember fake hitting your dog,

but I don't love dogs. I feel like maybe if you didn't fake hit it, you used to talk about fake hitting. Yeah, that's what I would do. I would talk lovingly and be like, ooh, I'm going to beat you. I'm going to hit you. That's what it was.

And I was like, she can still feel the energy. Yeah, yeah. I really thought she could. On top of the Humane Society's thing, I'm going to beat you. I'm going to hit you. That's what it was. And I was like, she can still feel the energy. Yeah, yeah. I really thought she could. On top of the Humane Society's thing, I think you're a monster. Yeah, I did advocate. You advocated closing Humane Society. Wait, do you guys have animals? Do you have a pet? No, but we did.

I did. I lost a pet in a relationship recently. I'm so sorry. It wasn't yours to begin with. It was hers. But it became mine. Not really. It really did. Not really. Okay, look.

So my... Kyle thought I didn't like dogs for the longest. Okay. You didn't. Can we just put that to bed right now? He sounds like me a little bit. If there is a side of the line to fall on, I do fall on the side of... Of beating dogs.

No. Not beating dogs. I would just like to go on record. I don't need a Michael Vick incident. No. I do not beat dogs. I don't need a Michael Vick incident. No, I do not beat dogs. I did not grow up with dogs in the house. My dogs as a kid lived in the yard. Right.

And occasionally they would go off for two weeks and were a part of a gang. Sure. And we wouldn't know where they were at. And then they would come back. Come back with an animated series about them being street toughs. Right. So I didn't grow up with that, you know, dogs in the kitchen, dogs on the couch. So anytime I saw a dog in the house, that was always a little bit like, okay, you're not going to get up on the bed, are you?

So when I first got into a relationship with a young lady, she had two dogs. Oh, yeah. Ladies love dogs. Oh, yeah. She had... Ladies love dogs. Yeah, man. And she had a Burmese mountain dog. A small little cute guy. No, this guy was huge. But with psychological problems.

Mountain dog. To be fair, the dog was a psychopath. Psychopath. Okay, psychopath. Huge dog. But she got it with her boyfriend before me. Oh, awkward. So that was a little bit of a problem.

Yeah. Well, there's a lot was a little bit of a problem. Yeah. I haven't had that ever. There's a lot of things I haven't told you. And then she had another dog. You didn't tell me about Kristen, did you? That she had had for like nine years. So that was like her dog she got by herself. And she got another dog with her boyfriend before me.

And so I inherited two dogs. One was like an Indian chief and one was like a psychopath. Right? One was a golden retriever. So I loved the golden retriever. He was kind of chill. And the other one represented another relationship. And it was also mean.

So it's like double bad. So I would raise my hand sometimes like Amir. No, I never raised my hand. But I had those thoughts because I'm thinking this dog is destroying our life because at the end of the day, the dog came before me. It was like both of them came before me. So not like Kristen or King here where he's like, you know, he picked the girl. He picked the girlfriend over the dog.

He did. I think that's what's up. I kind of decided to assimilate myself into the relationship of the three. Shortly thereafter, within a year, I convinced her that the Bernies had to go. That was after the Bernies gave her a black eye, though, to be fair. That was right. So I had nothing to do with it. I just said, look.

She tried to play it off like she fell down the stairs. But you know, you looked around the corner and the dog went. I said, look. I said, look, your friends are going to start looking at me weird. I don't. I know. Even saying the dog did, it seems like she was covering for you. No, no, no.

The dog hit me. All right. So really, we literally went through a whole process of having to find a family for the burnt. And it was hard. But she really was like, I'm tired of this dog. I'm tired of the dog controlling our life. Right. So we had to find a home.

We did. But recently four years later our golden retriever had a brain tumor. And it was really, really hard because I now after five years love this dog like my son. Really? More? I do.

Wow! Seriously. This guy is my guy. And so you realize, like, now that he's having a brain surgery and everything, I'm going through that. Like, I feel like I'm a dog lover now, at least this one dog. Yeah. And I forget completely the point of my story.

I think I was just – Well, with that in mind – The point of the story, I think, is do what you can within the law to get the dog back. Right. Because it's worth it. Right. I guess what I was saying is that I wouldn't go after the Bernies, but I kind of would go steal the Golden Retriever. I would. Would you steal the dog?

I wouldn't have given up in the first place. Ah, there you go. But that's cheating. I'm not asking you that. I don't think this guy deserves a dog. That's what I'm saying. Would you rather have some girl come in and be like, oh, I don't like the fur on your couch. You're like, okay, I'll give the dog to a shelter.

Bros before – Yeah. Dogs before hoes. Bros before hoes, but dogs before that. Dogs number one, then bros. Dogs are at the top of the pyramid. Then hoes. Okay, so you're saying –

After that, it's cats. So imagine this. You have a dog for six months, like the one you adopted. Betty. Betty. You kept her. Oh, my God, Betty months, like the one you adopted. Betty. Betty. You kept her. Betty. So you had her from February to whenever.

That's what I named her after. She's black. She's cool as fuck. And you fall deeply in love with somebody. You have someone in your life who you respect and you want to keep happy as much as you possibly can. And that person is like, hey, I feel so bad even asking but like this dog is such like a crazy animal i really don't like it being here i'll move in with you and i'll do whatever you want if we just maybe give the dog up for adoption put it in a bigger house and home

you would not you would choose the dog over the girl i would never love someone that would make me choose that's that's you have so many unrealistic rules about dating. It's like I would never date somebody who believes in something. I would never date somebody who's like... What if you had a small apartment? She's like, I really think the dog would be happier elsewhere. I've never had a small apartment. I am a beast in that regard. I'm rich

now. I'm gonna have a yard. I'm gonna have a house. I'm gonna have a dog and I'm gonna have a woman who loves all those things too. But that means- And you don't get to make me choose! You're a regular King David's girlfriend trying to make me choose between my dog and my house and my girl! Queen David. I don't know if you guys can read between the lines, but he's basically saying he'd get rid of the dog.

No, I'm not! Well, okay, so this is what you need to ask yourself. If I had a bad dog, I would train the dog. And yeah, if you come to my house and you tell me I can't get a dog. What if you found a girlfriend who was perfect, you loved everything about her, and she said, get rid of a mirror? But that's such a weird question. He would do this. My perfect girlfriend would never ask.

See, that he can answer. It's your dog. A perfect girlfriend would never ask. No, no, no. She's perfect. Except for that. Oh, they always ask. No girlfriend wants to live with something else.

Unless it's hers, obviously. Well, yeah. I don't think – I mean, it depends. If the dog was a really shitty dog and it was giving me black eyes and if it was, like, barking at her all the time, then I would probably fall out of love with the dog. So what's your advice for this guy? You gave up your dog. Some other people love it. Don't even ask for it?

I guess you can investigate a little bit. Don't steal it. You don't deserve it. But we don't know if the new owner is actually providing the love. I can't believe everybody's on his side. I don't know if this helps. I think this entire question is a prank on me.

We're setting you up to fail. Where is Black Betty? Where is she? Give me back my dog. Rick's stealing Black Betty for me right now I don't know if this helps the question at all But my current girlfriend has eight animals Jeez Louise

Yeah she's two dogs and six cats You know where you are on that ladder right? Yeah I'm somewhere in like four She hates like two of them She doesn't like the birds She has a mouse She likes me the same ass. Yeah, the pug is way above me though.

Well, let's segue into this little break zone, which is following up on your question, which was six, seven, eight, nine months ago. You were going away to college and you wanted to know whether you should stay in a relationship with this person. Yeah, yeah. And the advice we gave you was not to.

And it's also the advice you've given every single other person who's even hinted at the idea. And don't you say a word. Rick, what was your advice? I'd like to hear what the fatherly advice was. My advice, not having really gotten to know the young lady, and I'm sure she's a wonderful person, was that I stressed how difficult it was going to be.

And I thought he should, I don't know if he even sounds right if he do this in college, he should date himself. He should actually work on himself. That's what college is about. Masturbate a lot. It's about the wrist exercises. That's what I was doing. I was like, I remember, man.

You don't understand. You get on your own. You're there by yourself. Your roommate kind of, you know, when he leaves, you just date yourself, man. Yeah. No, but I was hoping for him to actually really not spend a lot of energy having to manage a long-distance relationship. I had a long-distance marriage, so I know how difficult it was. Yeah, it's a full-time job.

It's more than a full-time job. And so here it is as a freshman away from home, getting acclimated to his own surroundings, taking care of himself, meeting new people, studying. You know, I thought that it was important for him to actually get out and explore life as a single young man. Take it yourself. Jake, I just want to say, this is what my girlfriend looks like. It's a picture of a pug.

She is a babe, but at the same time, that advice is so solid that I would give it regardless of what that person thinks. Obviously, it's easy from the outside. Yeah, actually, this follow-up pup is about you calling your girlfriend right now. I will do it. The doors are locked. No, no, to break up with her. You didn't follow our advice. More importantly, ask him how the year went.

Oh, here we go. Because I think it's time to actually evaluate how the year went. How did the year go? So first term was fine. Second term was a little harder. On the relationship or in school? On the relationship. Easier on the school.

Basically, it's a sliding scale of priorities. Yeah, exactly. Whichever one you put to the forefront. I don't want to make your father uncomfortable. Doesn't it sound nice to be able to fuck whoever you want? No. Because that's not the situation I'm in. Yes, it is.

No, it isn't. Yeah. No. It always is. No. By the way, that doesn't make me feel uncomfortable. Great. Yeah, he's one of those dads who's like, did you get laid this weekend?

Like, what are you doing? Just like none of our dads. My dad told me once. Apparently, I gave my son way too many condoms when he went to college. He gave me 54 condoms. A 54 pack of condoms. And I gave you back a couple

that I used on. You gave him back used condoms? No, no. Your dad, see? This is awful. The one conversation I had about condoms with my father was he called my house to talk to my mom. I guess a cleaning lady had like found a condom in my trash can that my friends had opened as a joke.

I was not having sex. And he called back. He's like, is mom home? I'm like, no, she's not here. He's like, okay. If you're having sex, use condoms. I was like, okay, bye. And that was it.

That was the first and last time my father and I have talked about sex. First time I ever took my son to get a condom. You know where it was at? This is beautiful. Wait, I don't remember this story. What? Maybe I repressed it. No.

Amsterdam. Oh, that's right. Yeah, we were in Amsterdam. I took my son at the age of 12. We were in Amsterdam. When I was 12 years old. I walked him through the red light district. Walking down the red light district.

And I remember you said to me, you said, Dad, did you bring me here for shock value? Yeah, yeah. I remember saying that. I said, no, we're just walking through Amsterdam. What are you talking about, right? Had you brought him there for shock value? Oh, yeah. See, I was too smart for this, dude, when I was 12.

And then we went into a store, Condom World. Condom World. And we bought condoms. And I gave him my speech on shape, sex. It's funny. You think condoms are we bought condoms. And I gave him my speech on shapeshapes. It's funny. You think condoms are like just condoms, and then you go to Condom World, and it's a world. It's so much less. There's so many more possibilities out there.

All right. Well, I guess we have to have you on in like nine more months to see what the follow-up is to this. Because I feel like it's still happening. Did this just happen? Well, I will just say I'll leave with, do whatever makes you the happiest. Thank you, Jake. Long-term. Long-term. Whoa, hey, hey. But I can understand

if you sit there thinking this girl's definitely the one, and you don't want to break up with her, I totally respect that. I'm like your dad, and I just couldn't trade up. Then you know what? I respect that. I love it. My mom got married when she was 19. My dad was 22.

They're still together. They're very happy. But I think at the very least, you should make some tweaks on your relationship so you do better at college. Your dad's happy. You're happy. Your girlfriend's happy. Everybody's happy. That's what you got to do.

We only have one more question. So why don't we just make this a super long podcast? Wait, how long are we going so far? We're going to be – it's over 40 minutes at this point. We'll be close to an hour. Alright, we need one last female's question. Female name. Sorry, yeah, yeah, yeah, female name. Rick doesn't have to come up with a question,

does he? No, no, it's not that hard. I come up with a question? Do you have another lady? Yeah, oh yeah, Melissa. Melissa. She became a lawyer. Alright. No, she did not. There's more than one Melissa, son. The one I heard about is no lawyer. Melissa right. No, she did not. You were a... There was more than one Melissa, son. The one I heard about is no lawyer.

Melissa number two writes, Hey dudes, in the summer holidays, which is about a month from now, my friend and I are going to Spain on a party vacation. We've been planning the trip for a year and are going there, just as everyone else, to get drunk every night and hook up with dudes. This has already become sort of a tradition, and this is our third year going, and from the last times, I can safely say that the number of cute, sexy, horny guys there is dope. All sounds great, right?

Here's the sitch. I just met the sweetest and funniest guy, and we're really hitting it off. I can tell he is already completely in love with me, and I'm falling for him, too. I can see this is the start of a long-term relationship and I could even picture myself marrying this guy. What should I do? If I start something serious with him now, I'm guaranteed to not have any fun in Spain, but I also don't want to lose him. The trip was also quite expensive and I can't bail now as my best friend would never forgive me. She had a pretty bad breakup with her boyfriend

and has been looking forward to this for a long, long time. Can I just tell the guy to call me again in a month? How will I not feel like I'm cheating on him when I get me some random hottie in Spain? I really need advice, and I know my two favorite internet nerds slash womanizers will help. Love and please answer, Vicick this is one of the hardest questions we've ever got i love how everyone's just totally okay with just calling you guys

nerdy jews and yeah it's not a problem it's because that's yeah we throw we take we take ownership of it it's funny when i was in eighth grade i was like so scared every anybody would call me a nerdy jew and now now it's her job that's what i refer to myself as do you guys like me find yourself like vacillating back and forth on an answer, as she was saying? Like, stay with the guy. But then it's like, oh, so maybe you could just do this one thing. And then it's like, oh, but she also is like, marry this guy. But then also, this is for her friend, and she doesn't want to let her friend down.

First of all, does the guy take steroids? Oh, great question. Hold on. Let me email her. I want her to be a roided-out dog stealer take steroids? Oh, great question. Hold on. Let me email her. We want him to be a roided-out dog stealer, right? Right. All right. We have to clear that up first.

Does he have a dog and does he take steroids? Rick, do you have a daughter? I do. Okay. So what if your daughter approached you with this conundrum? What would you say? It would be the most awkward conversation in the world. Well, no.

I think my daughter talks to my son about these issues more than she talks to me about it, which is fine, as long as she's talking to one of the men in her life. That's good. In this situation, I don't know how old this young lady is. Let's say college age. Yeah. Sounds like she's in college, third year. There in a down-to-earth school. And her name is Melissa, now that we think about it.

I get a sense that she's in school in, I don't know where. Why do you get a sense she's in school? She has enough money to go to Spain. Well, she's had vacation, holidays. Does dad spoil Sasha? Yeah. Oh, well, there you go. There you go.

Exactly. But no, I think right now to actually project all the way out to marriage with this young man she just met. Right. I think is no different than she could project all the way out to marriage with some kid in Spain. Right. So you're going to throw a wrench in it right away and be like, you're not necessarily going to marry this guy. So don't start acting as if you're married. I think you're taking that very seriously.

I think she's just like, I really like this person. No, no. I think she's. No, no. No, no. I think she's quite set on, I'm about to head out of college now and I need me to latch on to somebody right now. And this is option number one. Oh, you think it's like a money thing?

No, it's not about money. It's always about money. It's about settling down. It's about settling down, which is she's thinking more about moving away from her life of heading to Spain every summer and actually having a blast drinking and dating and sleeping. This might be her last foray. This might be her last foray. And she's saying, okay, I now know that when I do come back, I'm going to settle down with this guy here and give it a run.

Do I basically wait because he might not be here a month from now? And I say, look, you know what? You're not evil for actually being open and upfront. Because if you're going to marry this guy, you want to be open and upfront to begin with. Which is like, hey, look, I do this every year. I'm going to Spain. I'm going to hang out with my girlfriend. I don't know what I'm going to get into, but you're going to be on my mind because you did that to me in the span of one drunken night.

I'm assuming they were drinking. There was nothing about that. You were receiving so much. I love it, though. You've inferred the perfect amount. So I think she definitely don't throw her girlfriend who needs her right now under the bus. Because in life, whether you're married or you're dating, you're going to have friends in your life that you want to stay connected to. And they're going to need you.

And she seems to need her best friend now. And this is something they do. Keep these rituals because when you're 10-year, 15-year married, you're going to want to get away from a week or two. Now, what you do is on you in that week or two with your best friends. You're literally promoting cheating right now. I said which some people cheat, some people don't. What I'm saying is they still need to have friends

and they still need to create space and get away. Anybody worth dating who's single is going to have other suitors. So you want to go away to Spain for how long was it? A month? Sure. And you assume you're going to come back and that person is going to be available to you again? Yeah. Because that's a dangerous assumption.

Maybe this dude might have a month. But I think that's the part where she's got to make this decision she's like either I lock this down right now because I care about this guy and I'm going to have a different experience in Spain or she's going to say this guy's great but I really value this time that I have in Spain to go crazy and be

with my friend this might be the last time I do it so I'm just going to take the risk and try to wait and if he's gone when I get back then fuck it at least I had fun in Spain I think you just got she's got to decide for herself what's gonna make her the most happy you know what I got a 14 year old daughter she's now in the phase where she's into

you know boys and really boy crazy fortunately for me it's usually one boy at a time she doesn't fall in love with a ton of them well this is what I've been this is what I you know what she communicates to me. She has, I think she has boys she finds attractive

and then she has a boy she wants to like really go after. And what I've said to her is other boys, you know, that she's admired or want to date that hasn't really, that really haven't reciprocated

the interest. I always say to her, as your father, I want, you deserve a man in your life someday who actually pursues you and actually chases you and holds you up to, you know, that, on an altar. That's what I want for her because I don't want her chasing a man.

And so it sounds like right now this young lady's concerned that she's not worthy of being chased. So if she goes to Spain, she's got to have in her mind that if this is the man that's going to marry her, this is the man that's going if she goes to Spain, she's got to have in her mind that if this is the man that's going to marry her, this is the man that's going to chase her to Spain. Or at least be thinking about her the whole time she's gone so that when she does return,

he's there waiting for her. So you're saying, let's say, quick vote, go to Spain or stay with the guy. What do you say? I say... I mean, I threw out my advice but I would Say definitely because you only Just recently met this person and you definitely Don't know if he's that

Kind of if he had known for a month I think it'd be different but since you just met him I'd say go to Spain go to Spain Rick I say she go to Spain Italy France England Nassau Bahamas Hook up with my girl Berglund I say she go to Spain, Italy, France, England, Nassau, Bahamas,

Iceland, hook up with my girl Berglund. Icy, icy, icy. Getting hot and icy. Ice in Iceland. And come back, and as soon as you come back, see if the guy's there, and if he chases you down again, you know you got the right one.

He's been waiting on you. There you go. All right, let's end there. Thanks for coming on the show, guys. You're going to end there? Yeah, unfortunately all good things must come to an end. But the outro song is 42 minutes long. Awesome. Perfect. Yes, the email address if you want to email in your own questions

is ifireyoushow at gmail.com and if you have your own theme song submissions, please keep those coming. The first one was from that amazing singer, songwriter, techno robot, Eagle Sigur Vigsinjensen. And this last one is from somebody named Emily. Thank God.

Wow. It's from my girlfriend, actually. Kyle and Rick, thank you guys so much. Do you have anything you want to plug if this episode comes out on Monday? I want to plug my son staying in school. Okay, that's good. I would support that. And then, Kyle?

Follow me on... Actually, no, don't. That's not a good idea. That's a really bad idea, actually. I don't want to end up like doobs. Don't follow him. Don't follow him on any social media. Definitely don't go to Twitter and look up Foxy Maximus and follow him. And if you do follow him, unfollow him.

This is the race back to zero. I would love your phone to just get 100 alerts of new followers and follow him. And if you do follow him, unfollow him. This is the race back to zero. Follow him and unfollow him. I would love your phone to just get like a hundred alerts of new followers and then you go to look and there's none. Follow him and unfollow him, people. For those that agree with me when it comes to my son,

if I get caught, what's the over under? I have like 200,000 people following me, right? Yeah. If I double, hold on. If I double to 400,000 in the span of the next, like, month from people that are going to follow Rick, at Rick A. Fox, at Rick A. Fox. To keep Kyle in school. To keep Kyle in school, please.

This is a campaign. Oh, I love it. Hashtag keep Kyle in school. Hashtag keep Kyle in school. And if you don't, I quit. Oh, my gosh. Now we have to really have you guys come on. The stakes are so high.

So the hashtags are KyleQuitsSchool and KyleStandsSchool for KeepCollinsSchool. It's a full campaign. All right, guys. Thanks for coming, and thanks for listening, everybody. Thank you. Bye. If I were you, there's just one thing I think you need to do. Take some time, sit down with both Drake and Amir will help you brighten up your day You don't have to fear, they'll help you

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