Segments - 8: Tinder

Episode Date: June 23, 2013

In this episode we discuss how to break the ice and the meaning of art. Then our friend Ethan stops by to talk about talking about cancer.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey dudes and dudettes, this episode is brought to you by, once again, Frank and O... Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts,

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before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah.

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Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm going to say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. FrankandOak.com, e-commerce, website, business that sells chill men's clothes. You made it sound super chill right now. Nothing is chiller than saying e-commerce.

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the show. Giving up their life advice, oh yeah If I were you Said if you're afraid that you will fail Send them a quick email, oh yeah If I were you Said ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh If I were you. Ooh, ooh, if I were you. Jazzy.

Come on, that was dope. That was by Aaron Tian, who wanted us to also give a shout out to his group, The Swag Puffs. Oh my god, The Swag Puffs. Even if I didn't hear that song and like it, I would go see them. In concert. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake.

And I think this is our last episode. Wow, you sprung that on me at the same time as you're springing it on the audience sorry I mean latest episode oh okay cool yeah yeah I should have said last yeah you definitely you misspoke in a very bad way yeah I guess this is just the most recent episode I should say

thanks so much for tuning in everybody things are going great no one asked you how you were god I don't know I'm feeling good you shitty bragger and everybody. Things are going great. No one asked you how you were. God, I don't know. I'm feeling good. You shitty bragger. Alright, thanks for listening.

Everything with me is amazing, actually. I got a pretty good paycheck the other day. I don't know. I'm feeling good and I'm feeling right about it. I am at the apex of my life. I'm happy you're all catching me right now in this glorious moment that I'm having. You're looking up at me because honestly, I'm on top of the freaking world. You asshole.

We are still sort of reeling for what happened earlier today. We usually don't even talk about what happened to our lives. But we want to get a little personal. You want to talk about it while I find my computer charger? Yeah, that sounds great. So we were at, we were riding today from my apartment, and there was a bunch of, I guess you could call them New York City youths out on the street, just making a general ruckus, being very disruptive. Just having fun and being loud. Very, very loud.

But like you said, they were being so loud that it was almost like they were trying to be as loud as they could possibly be. Yeah, they were scream talking to each other. Just having an amazing time and being incredibly loud about it. How old do you think they were? I guess like maybe 14 to 16 tops. And they were like skateboarding down our street and uh cars were honking at them they were being i mean they were not they were being dicks they were street lugeing and uh so i filled up a glass with water well first you wanted to water balloon them yeah yeah but we didn't have any water balloons so i so i filled a glass with water we opened my window and then i

just hurled uh i i shot the water out at them And we didn't really hear anything And then we were trying to decide if it had gotten to them So I peeked out and two of them were just staring right at me Because you were looking down at the close part of the sidewalk But they were just across the street staring right at you Looking not at them Oh my god

And then both of us just hid we we cowered we literally cowered like cowards for two hours then we finally left my apartment just just thinking we were gonna get our asses kicked by a bunch of 14 year olds and they would have yeah they definitely would have heard us and they they were even though they were 14 there was enough of them three to just beat the shit out of they had skateboards like just a truck across the jaw dude it was fun to feel exhilarated like that again even though we were acting incredibly less mature than they were they're at least having fun we're just from your apartment throwing water at them

behind a wall my art was racing though and oh my god the best is just like there i'm like breathing heavily behind the wall like do i look out the window do i look out the window i finally did and this dude was like i see you like that no he caught me they could have just waited for us i looked at you and i'm like well we're not leaving your apartment we cannot record a podcast today because i'm not leaving here probably for the next week until these kids have to go home for dinner. I can afford my own food. How's that, losers?

They hit me in the face. I'm the loser. We're scared of you. Yeah. Anyway, this is a public apology to those kids. Please don't beat us up if you see us in the street. They don't listen to this show. They're way too cool for that.

It's true. All right. So let's get started. Enough having fun. Let's answer some questions. This podcast isn't about fun. Yeah. It's about, you know, if people are in a sticky, bad, weird, difficult situation, they'll email us.

That email is ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. Keep the submissions coming. They'll email us, and we will do our best to answer the most answerable questions. Wow, first one comes from John. Two 30-year-old losers dumped a bunch of water on me and my friends. I need their address so I can kick the shit out of them. They know our address. They knew where it was coming from. Oh, and you can also listen to the show

at ifiwereyoushow.com or seizethecheese.com I can't believe that's real. Yes, if you go to seizethecheese.com, you can check out our podcast. We should start, we have the Frank and Oak sponsor. We should, that should be part of a deal. Like,

seizethecheese will just forward to frankenoak.com Oh, so like every time we want a sponsor, that should be part of a deal. Seize the Cheese will just forward to frankandoak.com. Oh, so every time we want a sponsor, we're like, all right, so we're going to mention you guys at the top of every episode. We will tweet about you. Seizethecheese.com will redirect for a week. You will loan this amazing custom URL. And yeah, what do you say? They put us in a headlock.

Oh, they're the teenagers. All right, let's get started. First question is from, we'll call him, these are fake names but real problems, we'll call him Jack. Jack. Jack writes, hey guys, hopefully you've heard of the app Tinder. It's really entertaining to just judge people based on their picture. It's popular at colleges. Once I'm matched with someone, I never really know what to say.

Suggest something funny. Thanks, Jack. So just a quick refresher for those who don't know what Tinder is. Tinder is your new favorite app. Yeah, if you're single and you want to meet people, then I would get Tinder right now. Like, stop listening to our podcast. I won't be offended. Well, they can listen and download it at the same time.

Nope, nope, nope. Pause it. You need to focus because if you don't curate your profile, you ain't getting matched. You know what I'm saying? You got to get matched. So what is it? You download this app and then what? You judge people?

Yeah. So well, all right. So Tinder is an app that pulls your Facebook profile picture and then you're swiping right and left. Like left if you think someone's not attractive, not your type. Right if you think they're cute. And the cool thing is if you think someone's cute and they've also thought you were cute, it's a match. And then it puts you in touch with them. It's like you can message this girl now.

So you can judge people and then also the people that you deem attractive that also deem you attractive, you can strike up a text conversation. Yes. Now it sounds like this episode is sponsored by Tinder, which it's definitely not. But it could be. Though, yeah, if anybody works at Tinder and you're listening, I'm a gigantic fan of your app and I'd love, love to advertise it for free. So what do you do? Actually, not for free. No money.

I just want to see everybody who's ever right swiped me. I just want access to your database. That information does exist, probably. Definitely. It's got to. That should be like a Tinder pro account. Yeah, the Tinder hack. You can see anybody who's ever right swiped you, but you also have to look at everybody who's ever left swiped you. It gives you a percentage. No. and it puts that percentage on your profile like a tinder pro feature you pay ten dollars and you just get to like you get to like access all that weird information how much would you pay to know uh to see a list of every girl that's twenty five thousand dollars oh my god jesus yeah that's okay can you do that you can figure it out yeah i'm sure you can borderline bribe someone there for probably a fifth of that. So, oh, the question is?

Okay, you get matched with someone. It's pretty exciting. Do you instigate it? Do you do the first message? Yeah, well, I guess always if I want to talk to the girl, sometimes I'll get matched and then I realize the person's not entirely my type. Right. So I don't match or so I don't message them. All you know about her is the photo.

You swiped her to the right, which means you're attractive. You didn't to the right which means you're attractive you didn't swipe four or five photos of people so like you know you know a little bit like for in my profile i have like it's me doing some things that i like so if someone looks at my profile they'll be like oh this guy likes uh traveling he likes uh dancing uh-huh he likes looking sexy at a camera but so let's say after you match and you look at a photo of a girl what what would make you change your mind uh well i mean sometimes sometimes you're swiping too loosely you're like yeah this girl's you know attractive it's she's not ugly so you're like well god i sound like such an asshole that's what everybody who uses tinder is right we We're all shallow, shallow assholes, which is the first thing

you can bond over. You should just message her and be like, hey, you're shallow like me. Clearly, we're just judging people We don't know anything about each other, but we do know one commonality.

We're both shallow, small, shitty people. Would you like to kiss my mouth? For my advice is, I mean, I can just look at all the last messages that I've sent to people on Tinder. And it's always just like, hey, whatever their name is. That's it. What would you say is bad advice?

You're like, this is a big no-no. Either something that a girl has done to you or something that you've seen a guy message to a girl that you're like, well, that's bad. You just lost him or her. I think you could message almost anything at first. Because if it's weird, they'll think it's a joke. And if it's just like, hey, it's just totally innocuous. I think the one no-no is messaging them, they don't respond. Which, I mean, it doesn't always happen.

Sometimes they're not interested. And then messaging again, or three times. So what's your mental limit? You're like, okay, if I text this person or I message her once, twice, when do you say, okay, never again? If one tweet or, sorry, one message. Yeah, so if I'm like, hey, Jane, and she doesn't respond. You're done forever. Yeah.

Even if she's like, you consider her your soulmate. Well, how could I? I consider her attractive. So, okay, so hey, Jane, let's say she does respond and you go, hey, what's up? And then she doesn't respond to that. Do you ever respond to double response after the first response? You do two responses in that instance. So, hey, Jane, she says, hey, then you say, what's up?

She doesn't respond. Then you respond, fuck you. We're done. And then two minutes later, interested? I know you are. Please meet me at. How do you like what you can't have? This is why Se seinfeld needs to

re-exist now because i can see jerry be like you never double message you double message the single message tinder there's such there's tinder etiquette which is kind of cool because like tinder is so new and like that kind of like i mean online dating is new and now like dating apps are super new it's like the wild west like how do i act on tinder how do i meet people i have no idea right like when i first got it, I had no clue. I matched with someone. I was like, hi, I guess. But I think you just treat it like you're going up to somebody at a bar.

Like if I went up to a girl at a bar, I was like, hey, Jane, and she didn't say anything, I guess I'd walk away. Yeah, but Tinder allows you to be so much more brave than you would at a bar. Yeah, but it's so weird to ask her a quirky, silly question. Like, hey, do you like bananas or grapes? Right. But didn't you say... Shut up, loser.

Leave me alone. I'm too busy judging other guys already. You've already got the best validation in the world, which is like, this girl just said you were cute. Right. So you don't want to ruin it with being a weirdo. Just say hi. That's all you need to do.

Is that... What percentage of the thrill... I always try to quantify stuff. Okay. The ultimate goal... That's why you need to do. Is that – what percentage of the thrill? I always try to quantify stuff. Okay. The ultimate goal – That's why you'll never succeed on Tinder. Would you say the ultimate goal is sleeping with a girl that you matched with? The ultimate goal – I mean the ultimate goal is –

Okay. Let's say the ultimate goal is to create a meaningful, long relationship. Yeah. The ultimate goal is me living in a farmhouse with my wife. Our children don't buy diapers, okay? We're using cloth diapers we wash them by hand that's cool all right we have back chickens no i won't backtrack i will not we have chickens they lay an egg every day we cook ourselves egg sandwiches in the morning how's that we got a little record player we're playing some simon and garfunkel who wants to live me? And that's what people are going to tell from your profile picture.

Okay, so let's say to say unmatching or just seeing a girl is step one. Right. You're at 0%. I genuinely feel like we could talk about this for the next half hour. Yeah, that's true. Sleeping with that person, whether it's a girl or a guy, is 100%. What percent of the thrill is matching? Are you like only 5% of the thrill is matching are

you like only five percent of the way there or it's like matching like oh that's half the battle i'm already matched when you match i think that's like well i i don't know if it's like a five percent five percent thing like that builds up to a hundred percent which is like sleeping together it's like each thing is its own thing so so like matching is a hundred percent exciting like when i look at my phone it's like you've matched. I'm like, fuck yeah. And then you look at the – so that's like 100% excitement. Then it's like, all right, next level of the game is like am I actually attracted to her? You're swiping through her pictures.

You're like, fuck yeah, I am. Like that's really exciting. Then like that message is like, oh, I hope she messages me back. And then she does. Fuck yeah, that's exciting. The hardest thing is going from From messaging to meeting Because once you like meet Going from like meeting to hooking up is like Not going to be that hard

Because once you're like in front of a person That you've already built up in your mind As being attractive and cool and your potential soulmate It's just like It's the meeting up that's tough That's the hardest thing Hey, I'm a stranger that is so shallow That I literally just swipe you.

Will you meet me and let me prove to you that I'm a good person retroactively? All right. So if you have one bit of takeaway advice, somebody gets matched with you on Tinder, what do you say? They just said you were attractive, so my advice is to just say hi. That's it. So just say hi, not even the person's name. Maybe the person's name is kind of friendly. See, this is what they need to know.

Jesus Christ. Okay, hi and the person's name. That's the takeaway bit. Let's move on to the next question. We spent, wow, four and a half hours on that. I could have spent way, way more. We should do an all Tinder episode. I would love that.

I'm actually going to start a separate Tinder podcast. All right. Next question. This one comes from Claire. Usually you repeat the name. I'm just kidding. Claire. Oh, Claire.

Yeah, that's good. All right. He's back. I never left. Hey, guys. Your show is awesome, and I love listening to you guys every week I shouldn't have said that, that just seems Yeah, you jerk

Oops Oh, alright, actually, that's all she said That's all she wrote, actually So, okay, she continues So, I just finished college Woo! But I was also just diagnosed with cancer Boo!

People keep asking me what I'm up to now, and I feel like I should tell them about the cancer, but I don't want to immediately ruin the conversation. How should I bring it up without making everyone incredibly uncomfortable? I don't want people to feel bad for me, but I also feel pretty obligated to let people know. What is a fun, interesting way to introduce the disease into the conversation? Thanks, Claire. So, pretty serious shit. Heavy stuff.

Let's just skip it. Yeah. You read it in such a jolly voice. No. When I read this question, it instantly came to mind a good friend of mine, Ethan, who worked with us before he helped write the College Humor book, and he now works for Mental Floss, and Ethan was diagnosed with cancer how long ago?

About nine hilarious months ago. Nine hilarious months ago. And I said, what better person to answer this question about how to broach the fact that you have cancer than to bring Ethan on the show and talk about how he did it. So, Ethan, what did you do? Well, I have bad news for you, Claire. It's going to be awkward if you bring it up in conversation. And if you bring it up in a fun, quirky way, people will think that you're also crazy in

addition to having cancer. So I would maybe dial it back on that front. This is one of those things that email is great for. Anything that you wouldn't do to break up with someone because it feels too cowardly is a great way to tell them that you have cancer. Text cancer frowny face. All you need. They'll pick up the subtext. Hashtag cancer.

So don't tweet about it. Don't Tinder message about it. So I think you told me over an email yeah because was there like a mass email or did you like email individual people no i kind of made a conscious decision which i think you have to do to only tell the people who need to know because it's hard enough already having the cancer you don't want for the cancer to become the only interesting thing about you so you kind of don't want for the cancer to become the only interesting thing about you. So you kind of don't want to brand yourself as the person with cancer. Claire, maybe you do.

I wouldn't recommend it. There's no money in that. But I kind of made the decision that I would tell the people that I was close with on my team at work. And I would tell my close friends and sort of people who are acquaintances who ask what you're up to. You can just lie because when someone asks what you're up to they generally don't really want to know literally everything you're up to so chemotherapy yeah chemotherapy can be left off the list um people you see every day or hang out with they're probably going to notice that something's wrong so you should tell

them that like you are losing lots of weight for a reason um but i would go with the email the text yeah and well if you said if you send that email to like people you're really close with like it probably the people that see you every day will eventually like hear it from them because that's kind of like news people just sort of tell other people too yeah you really can let your friends sort of be the disbursement instrument there because uh that's what friends are for. Yeah, it takes the pressure off you. And also it is really awkward to

tell someone, but it's almost more awkward to be told in person like, oh, I've got cancer. There's no good way to react to that. I mean, you wouldn't have known if I'd just been like, hey, so thanks for coming out to dinner with me. Bit of a tumor issue here. Jesus Christ. wouldn't have known if i just feel like hey uh so thanks for coming out to dinner with me a bit of a tumor issue here uh jesus christ yeah so don't put people on the spot like that because then

they'll feel like they gotta say something meaningful or helpful but unless they're an oncologist or a priest that's really not gonna be either so uh i would i would skip the conversation thing entirely straight up over email Did you tell anyone personally? My girlfriend was actually on vacation when I found out with her college friends. Oh, my God. It's so weird. She's coming back like, oh, my God, vacation was crazy. Look at all these pictures.

You're just waiting to drop the bomb. Well, she brought me an awesome gift. It was a pin from the Jacksonville airport. Oh, my God. That's great. So I'm sure she still feels guilty about that. But no, I waited, because what are you going to do,

call someone on vacation and be like, look, I need for you to leave the bar on the beach. That's noble as fuck, though, because I bet if I got cancer, I'd be calling all of my friends and be like, hey, leave the bar on the beach. If I had a girlfriend, I'd be like, you better come home right now,

drop everything you're doing. Drop the pen. She dropped out of medical school was the problem. So she wasn't going to be any help. Go back in. But how did it end up for you? Just a little bit of context, I guess. This was nine months ago that you were diagnosed.

Well, he's dead. Yeah. The end. And moving on. So it was really nice of you to come to the hospital to record this. A little self-serving, but I appreciate it. No, I mean, it went well. Like you said, my friends who I told then sort of spread the news around to other acquaintances

where I didn't have to have a series of very awkward interactions with people. You're dealing with enough. Yeah. And that's really, you've got to do sort of your own thing. And don't worry about being selfish. No one is going to hold it against you that you didn't have the conversation with them. Anyone who gets mad that you didn't personally tell them is a crazy person. I want to tell Ethan off, but he's getting chemo right now.

The sessions are so long, but I'll wait. I think I'll send him an angry text. We'll see what he gets out of it. So yeah, it's good. And then people are really supportive but uh i mean it is hard when you tell people because they like the natural inclination is to try to say something helpful and really not a whole lot is going to be helpful but people are nice so they want to say something comforting and you just sort of put them in an awkward spot if you just tell them point blank

what's the best and worst ways to respond to that email? Uh, LOL. That's the best. Or actually just an audiophile of you laughing out loud would be the worst way. But no, I mean, everyone comes back and says something very supportive and that they'll, you know, if they can help you in any way, pretty much so. It's tough because cancer is so many things and it's so different for so many people. Like I know people who have very serious forms of cancer and you don't know how to react. Like, is this like a small issue? Is it a big issue? Is it an in-between issue?

Yeah. And that's a big part of when you do tell people that you kind of want to contextualize it like that. So they'll know that because really you hear someone has cancer and you assume they're going to die. So a lot of I right so a lot of i felt like a lot of my emails to people was like all right so this thing is going on and then trying to back it up and be like but it's gonna be fine it's not gonna be fun for a while there's gonna

be a lot of surgery and chemotherapy and stuff like that but uh once you get through that part of it it's it's not so bad hey you're very much a trooper throughout this entire thing like i barely even yeah i would hate to come on our podcast an absolute trooper it was slightly worse than chemo oh my god that's that's your itunes review i'm dropping you guys to three stars no uh yeah do you want to plug anything since you're on the show you know tens of 15 people might listen to this if you want to plug anything since you're on the show? You know, tens of 15 people might listen to this. If you want to, you know, talk about Mental Floss, maybe? Yes, I'm an editor at Mental Floss magazine. You should buy the magazine. It's very funny and a lot of fun.

And it's strongly anti-cancer. Claire. That's an anti-cancer slant. So if you can get over that, it's a really good magazine. I even have stuff in there sometimes. Oh, yeah, Amir has a column in every issue now where he talks about uh the history of an object that's right what's more fun than objects a history of an object yeah so the first one was oysters the history of oysters yeah we just did the history of avocados they're not always i'm surprised that wasn't your first one that is the only thing I talk about

so Ethan will you stick around we have one or two more questions to get to okay yes we tricked him into being here the door is locked now this is all a long con starting with a cancer and ending now

alright this one is from who haven't I said yet? Charlie? Charlie. That's a good one. Charlie. Hey, Amir and Jake. The name is Alex.

Whoa. How did he know? Hey, Jake, Amir, and Ethan. The name is Alex. Please don't differ from it. For my art class, I'm trying to produce the image that the youth of today has lost innocence. So to do that, I'm producing a skateboard with Velma from Scooby-Doo with her ta-tas about to be revealed.

My teacher says if I create it, I won't be in the school exhibition, and I could possibly get in a whole lot of trouble with my Catholic school. The message is so strong, and I'm so compelled to do this, because although it does break the boundaries, maybe that's what some people need to fucking understand how shit our generation has become. What should I do? I love this so much.

I have a message, okay? It's Velma with her ta- He said ta-tas. You can't say ta-tas and have an artistic message. This is about art, okay? It's Velma's ta-tas. Is Velma the one on the turtleneck? Yeah, I hope the teacher's real problem

with it was that it wasn't Daphne. Then it would be totally acceptable. Velma's the beat one? Yeah. Yo, trust me, I'm swiping her left on Tinder. If I see Velma... You know, I kind of look like Velma. Daphne's hashtag dope, but Velma's hashtag

nope. So you're swiping Daphne to the right, Velma to the left. But what if it's Velma with her tatas about to be revealed? Well, shit, is it on a skateboard? This guy's clearly a punk asshole. He's like, I'm trying to be an artist. Yeah. So I'm pushing the boundaries. How shit our generation has become.

You are the shit part of the generation, sir. He's a 14-year-old. You're trying to show a bunch of nuns at a Catholic school Velma's tatas. I say go for it. I say take it. Well, yeah. I want to see the skateboard. I want to see the tata.

Fuck that, dude. I want to see him out. Forget on a skateboard almost revealing her tatas. I want her on a wakeboard scrappy blowing scooby on a longboard i have a surfboard where shaggy's just doing the goatsy pose you think you think our generation's gone to shit i think they've gone to one level beyond shit here's i don't even know another person on Scooby. Here's a mural of everybody in the human centipede. The entire Scooby-Doo cast.

Shaggy's just eating out Scrappy-Doo's asshole. But yo, the world needs to see this, okay? You don't understand. Society's gone to shit and the world needs to know. I don't care if I get suspended from school. Sister Gallagher. It is a Catholic school. He's got to get this shit in the exhibition.

That's like, people need to see it. Yeah, you have to make this and save it, and then when you're like 25, try to explain why it was so important to your friends. You don't get it, man. Ten years ago, our generation was beyond shit. It was Daphne, or it was Velma with her tatas already coming out. If he makes this, I'll buy it.

I'll buy it. For real. I think I would buy this art. All right, Alex. You're an artist. Stick to your guns. You do you. I mean, yeah, pushing the boundary.

That's what art is. It's no do you. That's what's up right now. No do you. You know who else pushed the boundaries? Jackson Pollock. And his shit is in museums everywhere. That's right.

That's you, man. Oh, have you ever seen that Jackson Pollock where Lisa Simpson is blowing Bart? Yes. Yeah, I have. That was the one that really pushed the boundaries. That one's really cool. Didn't Jackson Pollock paint Calvin pissing on Hobbes? Makes you think.

Calvin pissing on his own imaginary friend. Yeah. You do you. If I were you, I would do it. That's a great story, too. Later in life, you get in trouble. Yeah, I mean, if you get suspended from high school right now, it's probably not that big of a deal.

Did he say suspended or just in trouble at school? I mean, I'm sure if you get suspended from high school right now, it's probably not that big of a deal. Did he say suspended or just in trouble at school? I mean, I'm sure he would get somewhat suspended. I'm dead serious, dude. This shit's important. Velma's taught me to be seen. How did Velma become the symbol of our generation? Especially for this kid who's in high school. I mean, this shit.

I guess not your generation. That's like 1973. Who's the Velme equivalent now? I guess we wouldn't know because we're too old. Who is the Velme equivalent now? What's a cartoon that's popular? Family Guy? Meg?

Oh, yeah. Meg does kind of look like Velme. All right. Meg's tits. That's our suggestion. Make it Meg's tits. I'm getting suspended on saying I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for those crappy nuns.

Those shifty, shifty nuns. That's what they say at the end of Scooby-Doo, right? I would have gotten away with it. Meddling kids or something? Oh. Like, every single villain says that at the end of Scooby-Doo. Oh, fuck. I should clarify that a lot of people wrote in after the last episode that Suffering Succotatash was actually said indeed by Daffy.

So everybody, thank you for the tweets, the emails. I got 100% confirmation that Daffy said Sufferin' Suckatash. Yeah, he said it to that little,

what was that little yellow bird? The little bird. Oh yeah, the little yellow Tweety bird. Tweety was always like, that's all, folks. And we're hardcore Looney Tunes fans. Oh, this is another funny thing that came out of the last episode.

We were talking about the girl who gave the guy a handjob. Right, the married guy a handjob. Did you hear about that? Yes, I did. All right, cool. So we got confirmation. This is real confirmation. I know it was Sylvester.

Everybody stop fucking harassing me. Some guy just stopped writing a very scary email. I'm sorry. I was wrong. Though on Wikipedia it said that Daffy said it six times. Like even though Sylvester, it's Sylvester. Made it popular. Anyway, so the handjob was on a bus.

What? Amir's pointing at me like I shouldn't have said it. No, I was waiting for a reaction, but I forgot we weren't doing this live. The handjob that we assumed happened on a bus did happen on a bus. And why did you think it happened on a bus? Oh, because a bus is like the only thing, the only place that only a handjob can happen. Like if it were anywhere else, God, she would have at least kissed him or something, right? Just a handjob under a jacket on a bus, which I believe happened to me on a field trip to Washington, D.C. in eighth grade.

Wow, you got a handjob in eighth grade? Yeah, by actually my teacher who was married. So like I think that's very – we should have talked about this a long time ago. Yeah, yeah. All right, let's just squeeze in one more question. We're having fun here. And we're only at the 42-minute mark, right? All right, one last question,

just so you guys get your money's worth. Zero dollars. This question comes from another dude. Got a name for him? Locke. Locke. Locke says, I've been forced to quit my 60-hour-a-week job

because I wouldn't have passed the drug test they told me I had to take because a customer said I looked, quote, mentally ill, whatever that means. Anyway, I live with my parents, and I haven't told them. I just leave and go to the strip club or hang out with friends until they think I would be off work. My question is, how can I let my parents know I don't work there anymore without revealing I did too many drugs sent from my iPhone? Did it really say sent from my iPhone? I'm surprised it's not a droid. Drug people love droids.

Sent from my droid. I can't, like, the customer said I looked mentally ill, whatever that means. It actually means that you look mentally ill. It means that you look like you don't have your mind right. It looks like that your mind is so crooked that instead of telling your parents you don't have a job, you go to a strip club for, let's see, 60 hours a week divided by five. That's a 12-hour workday that you're faking. Wow.

So strip club for 12 hours. So I think that's what she means by mentally ill. I mean I think you look mentally ill and I don't even know what you look like. Just judging by this email you're clearly a sociopath or something. So how does he let his parents know that he doesn't work there anymore without revealing he did too many drugs? Well here's – I would like to introduce a new segment of our show which is where we give advice, not that you've asked for, but advice that you need.'re asking sure like how to tell your parents that you lost your job without telling

them that you did a lot of drugs but i guess my advice is to stop doing so many drugs right and don't go to the strip club so much i could go either way on the strip club really though it's that having a job is not like being in school your parents aren't going to get a report card that says why you were fired. You can make up literally any reason you can imagine and tell your parents that, and they either believe it or they don't. That's true. There's like thousands of reasons

people get fired. Right. You can, I mean, no, I don't want to give them lies. You're so drugged up that you can't even come up with a lie about why you lost your job. Like, in this economy you could just say that they're downsizing

you could do literally anything you want you could say that you were overqualified but you can't come up with these lies because your mind is so fogged

and cloudy with strippers like dangling vaginas and bong resin like make a change man do tell your parents it's drugs

tell your parents get some fucking help this is the first step of the the rest of your life um yeah it is funny that he can't even come up with an excuse he's because he's i guess borderline too high drugged out i mean i don't know i'm such a square i finally you admit it earlier now i get to give him your advice all right you want to be cool man man? You got to get on Tinder. I just want to say that I realized earlier in this question I called it drug people as people who take drugs. That's how much of a square I am.

So you're asking the wrong person. I mean, I don't know what's going on. Have you ever been to a strip club? Once with you in Las Vegas, and I was very uncomfortable. You went to – oh, my God, that's right. Shit. It was not uncomfortable. You went to, oh my God, that's right. Shit. It was not a good time. You know, it's so, like, also, like, Pat Castles and Jeff Rubin have both, like, or Jeff Rubin said he's only been to a strip club once, and it was with me in Las Vegas.

So I think I've been there to, like, whenever, like, my friends are like, I've never been to a strip club. I guess it's a life experience I should have. Jake, take me. Right. That's not a good sign either. But it's not like you've been plenty of times, have you? I guess not plenty.

I mean, when I was this kid, when I worked at a candy store in New Haven, I would go to Stage Door Johnny's a lot, like 2 a.m. on a Monday. So I guess I've been there, buddy. It gets better or worse. It's up to you. Make the changes, Jake said earlier. So our advice is if I were you, I wouldn't lie to your parents, even though you clearly can very easily. Just tell them, you know what?

I did too many drugs. I have a problem. I'm going to get cleaner. You know, sometimes I wish I had a drug problem so that I can do something very clear and easy. I wish that I had something wrong with me so I could rat my way out of it or something. But I'm so perfect, I have no room to improve. Holy shit. Like, I am a man without flaws, and I am at the top of the mountain.

What do I do now? You just said you were a square. You just said five seconds ago that you were too much of a square. Yeah, but how do I improve that? What, I act more recklessly? No, that's dangerous. That is way too dangerous. That is unbelievable. Holy shit, your mic's peaking. Your voice is going to an octave that the mic can't sustain. You know what? You're right. I'm going to take things a little more loose from now on. I'm going to wash my glasses

every other day. I've decided. And guys, hold me to it. If you see my lenses and it looks like they're frames without lenses because they're so freaking spotless, call me out. Call me out on the street. Your teeth are getting – your front teeth are getting bigger as you're talking right now. All right. Long episode, but it was worth it. What's our time right now? We're at 37-ish minutes.

Holy shit. We better get out of here. Ethan, thanks for coming on the show. Thanks for having me. And you are completely healthy now, right? Just so everybody doesn't email us and act very concerned for you. Yes, this is not coming to you from beyond the grave. Although that would be an amazing podcast.

Oh man, that'd be awesome. Every week, a different dead guest. If we could have any guest. Even if it's just every week The same dead guest Would be amazing Yes thanks so much For coming on to the show Ethan

And you can read More of Ethan's work At mentalfloss.com Or get the magazine You can even read What I have to say About oysters and avocados And thanks so much

For listening everyone Oh we still are getting Collecting Gathering Theme song submissions The first one was from a guy named Aaron Tian. This one is from someone named Rose Greenberg. Any musicians out there

or wannabe musicians or struggling musicians? Well, I guess when I say musicians I mean struggling musicians. The successful ones are not submitting to our podcast. You had a funny idea which was to start the podcast once with a Daft Punk song. Oh yeah, like, oh wow so this theme song is Daft Punk and Pharrell.

That's kind of neat. I guess they're fans of the show. Welcome to If I Were You. This one is from Rose Greenberg. And if you're a musician like Rose, like Aaron, like anybody, and want to submit your theme song, do so at our Gmail, which is ifiweryoushow at gmail.com. And once again, you can listen to the show at ifiwereyoushow.com or seesthecheese.com. Later, everybody.

If I were you, let me tell you what I would do. I'd make fun of me for all the world to see send it to Jake in a mirror because that's the point here if I were you at last the only

advice podcast.