Segments - 80: Ultimatum

Episode Date: May 26, 2014

In this episode we discuss marijuana, tattoos, and nude pics. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey guys, great news. The advertiser that we had for this episode moved to some weekend. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast. We're here to help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases,

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So we don't have any sponsor at all this episode. No ad at all. We could do whatever we want. This, this, oh shit. This episode is brought to you by whatever the fuck. Actually, actually, dude, this episode is brought to you by Brenner Saltzman & Wallman. That's my dad's law firm in New Haven, Connecticut. If you have any tax issues, tax questions, real estate questions, or tax real estate questions, please, Brenner Saltzman & Wallman, New Haven, Connecticut. Thanks, everybody.

You just sent your dad an invoice for $25,000. More money than we've ever made. How about this episode is brought to you by our live shows coming out Saturday, May 31st at the Hollywood Improv at 8pm. Still tickets available. And also in New York City on June 12th.

Not a live podcast, but still a live show. Boom. We'd like to see you there. Let's just get right into it this episode. If things are going to get real, they might as well get real starting now. If you're ever in a pickle, if you're not seeing things too clear,

I know a couple guys who go by Jake and Amir. They'll solve all your problems But there's a catch or two It takes a week to hear back And they're gonna laugh at you And I've never been so desperate As to ask two people on a podcast What I should do

But if you can't say the same Cause you're looking quite screwed They'll be happy to tell you what they'd do But if you can't say the same cause you're looking quite screwed, they'll be happy to tell you what they'd do if they were you. Jazzy, cool time, theme song, sponsored by Memorial Day Weekend. Just chill vibes, cool beach atmosphere, and a breezy good fun. Also, the sun, the surf, surf the sand you're feeling it all you're feeling it now this is canada's very own if i were goo hey uh you uh you have a razor blade just hovering above your wrist. That entire thing sounded

so soothing and jovial. That was my confession. It had a dark underbelly. I like that song because it reminded me of Jason Mraz. And you love nothing more than Jason Mraz. I really only love

I'm Yours by Jason Mraz. Right. So I guess Yours by Jason Mraz. So I guess I love Jason Mraz in general. I think all of his songs sound like that. No, they don't. There is only one I'm Yours. Do you know any other Jason Mraz songs?

Because I think you'd probably love them all. It's so funny to think that you found a song that you loved that much, I'm Yours, all the time, and it never occurred to you, like, I wonder if his album's good. Yeah, no. You're just like,

just this one. Well, that's what I do. I find songs that I love, and then I do zero exploration. But that thing about Macklemore. Yeah, that worked out. He liked his whole album. Right. Or like Eminem. I loved

Berserk and Rap God. And then I had no inclination to listen to any of the other songs off his latest album. And then I did. And then I liked a couple others. Like Survivor. And what's the one with Kendrick Lamar Oh yeah

Love Game Great song Hey this is If I Were You The only advice podcast on the internet Hosted by us I'm Amir And I'm Jake Recording this on Sunday

Oh wait who sang that song The jazzy Jason Mraz one Danny Riggs Danny Riggs D-Riggs Driggs He's probably wearing a fedora, right? Fedodo.

Opened up, buttoned down. Opened up, buttoned down, hemp sandals and a fedodo. Summer ready, let's do it. It was springy. You can't write that song in February. That's true. And if you do, you're lying to yourself. Yeah, and you're lying to me and I resent the implication.

Well, he didn't. I'm not saying that he did. Mr. Driggs. It's not. It not saying that he did. Mr. Driggs. It's not. It's Mr. Riggs. Mr. Driggs, I don't think I appreciate you or respect you because you don't appreciate or respect me. You lied to me.

You wrote that song in February. I just said that if he had written that song in February. Get him on the horn. Alright. I mean, he did include his phone number. This is crazy, though. Mr. Driggs, hi! Hey, nice to meet you. He's a robot. So how does it work? We get emails

from people in difficult places, dire situations, dire straits, as you say, and they write us their problems. At if I were you show at gmail.com. We read these questions and try to offer our advice. So let's get started. Let's give

this guy a fake name to preserve his anonymity. Of course. I'm thinking I got the NBA draft on my mind. Do you have a better theme than that? Better theme than the NBA draft? Didn't think so.

Joel Embiid writes in. Hey, guys. I got in a big fight with my girlfriend of three years. She hates it when I smoke weed, but I never do it when I'm around her, and she never finds out except for when she interrogates me every once a couple months about it. I ask her why I can't enjoy a bit of weed with my friends every once in a while, and she says it just bothers her, and that should be enough for me to stop forever.

I think we should have a don't ask, don't tell system about it, but she wants me to at least send a long text to her before every time I smoke saying how much I love her. What should I do? She's fine with me drinking, and just told me that she kissed a list of my friends to get back at me keep in mind my gf is a goddamn 10 cent piece thanks joelle and bead i refuse to keep that in mind sir no level of hotness excuses you from being a piece of shit

um it's a funny that well a list of my friends just like you should write me a text message every time you smoke also i made out with a series of your friends to get back at you for doing this harmless activity it sounds like she just wanted to tell me how much you love me and not just a text a a long text. Yeah, how does she stipulate that? It's got to be a long text. Well, you know, long texts do feel good. Yeah, like when the bubble takes up the entire screen. Oh, yeah, when you see, like, on the lock screen, like the dot, dot, dot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's more to the text. Yeah, there's got to be more. Yeah, I love that. That's the cutoff. I love that. I love a long text. I agree with her on that front.

The rules and regular... It's really hard to have a fundamental. Well, I'll bet they're off because she Frenched your friends. Yeah, that's. She is a vindictive vixen and you don't have to take it. And you're a Richard Nixon. Yeah. And you are not a crook.

You are fixin' to be had by a vixen. So we suggest that you. Blitzen. Yeah, blitzen. Get rid of this lady. But here's the bigger issue ultimatums are a little hard uh to have in a relationship that means like there's a very strong uh pragmatic difference in of opinion there if somebody's like i'm drawing a line in the sand

you can't do this thing and if you do you have do this. That doesn't sound like a good foundation of a relationship. Yeah. Yeah. Whenever there's a, you can't do this, you have to be like, huh? I'm going to do it.

You can't be mad at me. Or you can be mad at me, but you can't make rules. Right? Yeah. That's, that's it. If you like smoking weed and you're not going to change,

then go ahead and do it. And you just tell her. In a long text message every day that you love her and your friend maybe she'll like get back at you he didn't even do anything wrong well he did something illegal that's right he's not in colorado or washington he had a weed he had a marijuana joint You had weed leaves that you rolled into a joint or a doobie or perhaps a bowl. You got stoned high off of it. Yeah. Probably had... I bet he had a munchie.

Yeah, he had a munchie. I was going to say he probably had a munchie for a... Cotton mouth and a munchie in a small case of the giggles. Yeah, he was giggly. He had a food munchie, and what he did was have a food snack about it. So like a lot of the times... He maybe went into a food coma because he had so much munchie. Yeah.

And then his eyes got bloodshot and red. Glazed, yeah. He probably got glazed-eyed, food munchie, and had a snack about it. And then he had a Cheeto. Glazed-eyed, food munchie, then had a snack about it. Yeah, you got stoned high. You got food munchie. You had a Cheeto. Food munchie that had a snack. Yeah, you got stoned high. You got a food munchie. You had a Cheeto about it.

Hey, man, you're harsh in my mellow, man. You loser. Have a Cheeto puff. She deserved to French your friend, and you deserved to have it happen. So what can we say? I do think, well, all bets are off because she blatantly cheated on you and made a list of your friends. So you have no girlfriend and no friends and you're addicted to weed. Because I got high.

Because I got high. Because I got high. I was going to record a podcast, but I got high. Say what? That song got so popular. More than it deserved. Afro Man, dude. Where's Afro Man been?

The hero that this city needs. I guess it made sense that he then took 12 to 15 years off. It seemed like it would make sense that... One hit, then we wondered where he went. Very good. Hit, pun intended, because that's what it's called when you take a puff-puff pass of the bowl,

the piece, the glass. A reef or gun. Yeah. A gun reef. I don't know. Get rid of this lady. Yeah, I think... It's weird that we're telling him

to choose drugs over a relationship. But I think that's something that holds a lot of weight in a relationship. When you say, I shouldn't have to tell you why. It just really bothers me. And if you do it, it hurts me. You know, like that's... How much weight would you say that holds? Like an eighth?

Nice, dude. A dime bag. A dime bag. Fucking scale. Change your dime piece for a dime bag a dime bag fucking scale change your separate cell change your dime piece for a dime bag just all is it all kush or is it all stem is it cali kush or is it dank that dang sticky icky dude i got blue dream isn't that what we smoked with my brother what oh dream your brother was like telling us like all right so this is like sadovoi which is like sort of a more heady high but it's like also got that 20 kickback kush which is like yeah that's not my brother how dare you i will defend my family to death you think people

can you think people can hear that helicopter i don don't know. All right. Let's find out. Let us know in the comment section below. What were you about to say? Well, just if, you know, if somebody says something, if someone that you love is like, this really bothers me and I can't put my finger on why, but it hurts me. What do you do? Like, take out of the equation that this girl's a vindictive whore that made out with this guy's friends uh to get back at him for doing nothing i think it depends on what that thing is like if that thing is like a kleptomania or something illegal or like it bothers me that you steal

shit then it's like oh yeah i don't yeah that's probably well that's exactly that is that's the separation because like something is blatantly bad blatantly illegal but this girl is like this isn't necessarily bad for everybody right it just bothers me yeah when you do it it really bothers me right so do you value how i feel or do you value being high well maybe there's uh why does i don't like the ultimatum why does it have to be all or nothing right it sounds like he had the healthiest thing which is a don't ask don't tell yeah like ium. Why does it have to be all or nothing? Right. It sounds like he had the healthiest thing, which is a don't ask, don't tell. Yeah. Like, I won't say, like, I'm going to go get high, but, like, sometimes I'll just be with my friends and I might be high.

That'll be it. Yeah, and I'll write you a really long text. No, you shouldn't have to do the text. Oh, you don't agree with the text. I'm saying, like, out of sight, out of mind. I don't know. And he is out of his mind. He is blazed. Bla high more than gone not there

here to disappear i would have to be there to begin with so present yes and i was not of this earth um i don't like the ultimatums yeah that's it ultimatums are bad also i think it's i think it's joel and bead and and I said Joel Embiid. I don't know why. I don't want to be called out, put on blast by basketball fans. I'm one of you. Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm serious, dude.

So embarrassed. Especially because I was right to begin with, and I corrected myself incorrectly. All right. Next question. Yeah. Comes from a dude we'll call Jabari Parker. Jabari Parker writes,

Hey fellas, so I took a gap year to Asia last year and the whole thing turned into months of wildness and debauchery. Debauchery. Debauchery. One night, a friend and I took it a little too far and ended up with tattoos on our feet. Not matching or any of that shit.

I never intended to get this tattoo walking into the shop, but my fierce competitiveness kicked in when I watched him and thought I could do that too. Now I'm left with this weird circle thing on my foot that I made up on the spot and the tattooist traced onto my foot around a roll of tape. I'm from Australia, and flip-flops are a part of life, and now I don't have the confidence to wear them anymore because I feel like a royal fool with this rough and rotten ink on me. I'm not really a fan of the thing, but removal is painful and expensive, and it almost seems like the coward's way out of my ill-thought-out-of-life-long decision. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks, Jabari Parker.

Can you tell why I chose this question? Because I have tattoos that I regret. On your foot. On your foot. Yeah. And it's a circle-based tattoo on your foot. That's true, too. So, what have you done about it?

I don't appreciate you putting me on a tattoo based blast well it's it's well deserved well deserved little sunday and it's a memorial day it's a three-day memorial day blast this this blast will last last an extra day how is that fair how is that just how is that kosher that's what you should be asking about the tribal sun Located on your right ankle Okay, cool Well, I have a tattoo I purposely made my body ugly You have an ugly face Which you can't control

Here's what I'll say about the tattoo First of all, this guy is saying He got it because he's competitive Because he saw his friend get one and said I can do that too, of course It's not a competition i can have 35 too i said yeah uh no you didn't weird way to describe it you didn't give it the tattoo you just paid for it um flip-flops are a way of life is another dumb

thing you said well it's australia man you don't get it brother sorry as long as i'm just uh i'm more just nitpicking i'm nitpicking his uh language at the moment uh and i'll say about tattoos i didn't regret mine right away i grew to regret them and now i've grown to embrace them because they represent like a stupid little part of my life where i was 19 and really into dave matthews and i thought that like a tribal son on my ankle made me a hippie and I was wearing cargo shorts and I had a hemp bracelet. So let me ask you this. If you could snap your fingers and remove them, would you? Yeah. All of them?

Probably. I don't know. Maybe not the butterfly tattoo just cause it's embarrassing, but it's like part of you now. Yeah. I don't know. And maybe I'll grow to feel that way about the, uh, the other two, but it, it just, I think if you can't laugh at them, then it is, your life's going to be shitty. If you're, if you're going to be more embarrassed, you're going to be more embarrassed, if you're going to be mortified of your tattoo,

then it is. Make fun of yourself before anybody makes fun of you. That's what you have to do. Like, yeah, I was drunk and I was abroad and my friend did it and I was like, oh, whatever. At least it shows that you have a care. You think flip-flops are carefree? How about getting a fucking tattoo of a circle?

That's the ultimate flip-flop. Your attitude has to be good. You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's just life advice. That's not tattooing. And he's Australian, so it seems like that's the way to go, is to just be chill about it. Here's my suggestion, which is what you keep toying with, is not removing it, but turning it into something else. Yeah, but a circle's so innocuous, it's kind of perfect.

I actually think about turning my tribal son into a circle. And then you'll be in the exact same place as this guy. Yeah, why don't you turn it into something that's kind of funny or cool? Like you were talking about turning that circle into a robot. Yeah, I remember that. Yeah. Maybe I would turn it into an avocado now. Yeah, avocado is good.

What about if you turn the circle into a pizza? That's a fun tattoo. A pizza pie. The circle could be a pepperoni on the pie. Yeah, it could be a single... Yeah, the tattoo's going to be so big, your tattoo right now is just a pepperoni on a giant, giant pizza pie.

This is nice because it leads us into our break where we will spend it talking about other things you could turn the circle tattoo into. You could turn it into a dandelion. You could turn it into a sunflower. Many flowers have circle centers, so let's go with that theme here. We could turn it into a daisy or a tulip. We could turn it into a moon, into a sun, into a...

The moon? Venus, for one? Just like a shot of the outside of our house and then a time lapse of the sun rising and setting for three days? You can turn it into... My voice is gone. Don't worry, be happy, smiley. An acorn? Not in a perfect circle, but, but you know you had a little point to

the bottom excuse me turn into an eyeball just have some water dude you could drink not until i said everything that the circle or near a circle idiot you fool uh yeah so jake's advice is to embrace it i saw i met well we know someone who's getting tattoos removed who oh okay secondly i know someone who knows someone who's having a tattoo removed and i saw there's like an instagram video of like this. This woman has like a sleeve of tattoos. She's getting removed and it's absolutely disgusting looking like blood blisters bubbling up and she's like popping them and squeezing this pussy blood out of her arm. Oh, God. Like how?

I think it's so much more embarrassing to take yourself so seriously that you're going to go and spend thousands of dollars and endure this painful, disgusting process where you're popping blood blisters. Yeah. That's why a tattoo is permanent for a reason. It's permanent. And just embrace the stupid thing that you did. It's funny. It's silly. You didn't hurt anyone.

You just got a dumb thing on your skin. Well, he didn't pay for it. Cool. Yeah, he stole't pay for it. Cool. Yeah, he stole it. What are you talking about? He stole the tattoo, I bet. Do you think I said something about him paying for it? No, I'm just guessing that he did.

He stole it? Yeah, that's how he hurt someone. Oh. Yeah. Oh, I see. I imagine actual pain. I don't know. We missed each other on this one.

Episode 80. A rare miss. A single, and you guys are going to be pissed about that, that we lasted this long without making a joke that neither one of us got? I think we've done it one other time on the podcast. It's really rare that me and you do it. Right. Isn't that amazing?

I think it's beautiful. I love you, man. uh-huh okay um i think it's cool that we are so in sync so on the same level that yeah that we're like cool we share that we share a brain we question number three and i want to share everything with you i love you what question number three indeed you don't have to say it back because I feel it back. You're my man. I'm your man. I know that.

We are brothers. We are lovers. I love you. Some of that stuff was definitely true. Just move on, dude. We don't need to discuss it. I'm saying how I feel about you. And I know it's reciprocated.

Okay. We don't have to be like, I love you. I love you, too. i'll say it for both of us i love you you can so much and i feel it back from you it's amazing it elevates me it enriches me day to day you are my man perfect and i am yours what what really gets me is not the 80 more than anything uh-huh i'm your man that's and i think that's fine yeah it's done and you're done and you know what and no more we belong to each other and i think i yeah the same way that i feel enriched yes powered that's fine engulfed by by your love let's get to question number three okay i just want to say i appreciate the love that I feel coming from you.

Sometimes I wonder if I can love you enough because you love me more than I could ever reciprocate. Okay. I think that's beautiful. As long as you're stating your opinion, it's valid. You can't be your... Moving on. This is the Amir Loves Jake show. Hey, come on, dude.

My brother listens to this. All right, moving on to question number three. For real this time, though. Andrew Wiggins writes, Hey, dudes, I'm 24 and haven't had a girlfriend in a while, but the last few weeks there's been a lady that's been messaging me and making it really clear that she likes me a lot. I like her just fine and all, but she's not exactly all that bright. I'm not super smart or anything, but I can

already tell I would get tired of this lady on an intellectual level. Should I bang her and be bored with the conversation, or should I just cut it off before anything sexual happens? Thanks, Andrew Wiggins. What's your vote? Uh, like, what would I do, or what should he do? What would you do? I am not able to separate, as well as I should be, personality and physical appearance.

I'd like to be more cool about that, but I'm a very judgmental kind of guy where if I think somebody's not good in any specific way it sort of ruins the whole package i'm not saying that's right or wrong obviously it's right otherwise i wouldn't be doing not that right but at the same time it's not for everybody some people have a whole different set of values that they care about. And you prioritize what you want in a woman.

For example, let's say I'm looking for the smartest girl. So I'll make that the highest priority. And suddenly it doesn't matter what they look like. Are you looking for the smartest girl? Never. Good. Good. Good.

Why? Because you'll only – because there's no such thing. As the smartest girl girl as a smart girl oh my god that's right dude holy shit i'm finally taking a stand on this podcast which is what being wishy-washy uh-huh girls aren't smart and i am i'm the smartest i'm the smartest person in the world and i'm a boy last time i checked have a penis. Second smartest person in the world, my daddy. Also a dude.

And guess what? Wayne. Third smartest person in the world. My mom, but still, that's an aberration. She's number three out of two.

What? I don't know. I feel like I always find I don't really I don't necessarily surround myself with like dumb girls that's i i'm with you that i wouldn't necessarily be like attracted to somebody who i found to be not smart but i also can see people's value outside of like they're a certain type of intelligent right like i could talk to someone who doesn't

necessarily isn't like smart about writing like which is something that i feel like i'm smart about but i they might be smart about something else like um um you know whatever a girl is smart about like cooking or something i'm sorry i'm gonna drop the bit uh but i think that you could I could meet somebody who's not necessarily worldly and intelligent by a normal standard, but that I could find everybody is an authority on something. Yeah, everybody's at least the best at something. Right, so I could find her passion and be like, oh, okay, you could talk about this. And as long as it wasn't something like celebrity gossip, I could probably get interested in it for long enough to be like, I am attracted to this person. So maybe this guy should try to do that, not be like, well, I need to have an intelligent conversation.

Like, why don't you not talk about something that you perceive to be intelligent, but just talk to her about what she's into, and then you'll see that she is articulate. Everybody's intelligent about something. Right. Well, what if. Everybody's intelligent about something. Right. Well, what if you're not intelligent about anything? I don't think... Can you separate personality? Well, you can separate personality from appearance for, like, one or two nights,

but then you eventually have to speak to this person in a non-drunken setting. Right, yeah, yeah. And reality will set in in and this goes either way like girls talking to dumb guys or guys talking to dumb girls but there's nothing wrong with like hooking up with somebody that you might not connect with on a level aside from a sexual level and then just as you realize you know this i'm not enjoying my time with this person because i'm having to have conversations and not just fuck yeah and you fade away and you you do your vanishing act or you tell her that

you're not really feeling it the end yeah and you can justify it yourself by being like oh i wasn't entirely sure how intelligent she was or wasn't until we did have sex and then when i really figured out her true self i decided not to be with her i wasn't necessarily just with her until we fucked and then i gave up on her i just think you're like people are always saying like you're projecting too far into the future to be like i don't want to fuck her and then just leave because she's dumb like why don't you just if if you right now want to fuck her and you want to get to know her and you want to talk to her then just explore that and she might feel the same way or she might not but there's no no one is saying there's any rule about being with her for like a month and getting to know her on any other level.

It's just that first just take the first steps without overthinking the future. All right. Andrew Wiggins. But I have the same problem, too. I'm not able to, like, separate my anxiety. I know. And I tell you, this is like me having a conversation with you. Yeah.

During a podcast. Right. society i know and i tell you this is like me having a conversation with you yeah doing a podcast right just like you're always like i don't want to go out with her because then like what i'm gonna i won't call her or something yeah no one's saying you're not gonna call her you all anyone is asking of you is to go out with her once yeah and then what if you had a good time a second time if you didn't the end but you're but to project a feeling on something before you even explore it is it's a waste i'll do it i'll go out with the next woman i see whether she likes it or not one of those girls whose numbers you got last week chill out dude yeah right now on the show you should do it on the show. I didn't get any numbers. Yes, you did. You got the numbers.

No, not that. First of all, not that time, but yes. And I offered you those numbers and you wouldn't take them. Right. I was talking about the number that Jesse got for you. I'm talking about the number that my other friend got for me. Don't you see the pattern? It's me talking to someone, not necessarily wanting to see them again.

And then my friend gets their numbers for me without me wanting that that's not true yeah well that's what happened the last couple times classic vintage me text the girl that jesse's all right all right relax i'll do it right now will you no i don't I don't have her number. Once again, my friend got it. I never got it. Oh, he never sent you the contact? No. Tell you what.

Send Jesse a text asking for the contact. That'll satisfy me for now. That's just one step removed from actually talking to this girl. All right. Let's have a breaky break. There are... Oh, you know what I wanted to talk about. People had questions about the Podcast One thing. How do you listen to it on the SoundCloud app, Podcast One also has an app, and it's available for Android and for iPhones. And if you live outside of America, I think you can't get the app, but you can download every episode as an MP3 on our Podcast One page, and I'll leave a link to that on our show page on ifireyoushow.com also the qualities of the actual audio is going to get

better i accidentally encoded it at 128 kbps instead of 256 uh so that'll that'll also change um i think those are the two big questions people had which is how to get the podcast now that we're no longer on soundcloud um what else is going on? Shows Yeah Two shows Two shows, yeah One on Saturday In less than a week At the Hollywood Improv It's a live podcast

That's right And then on June 12th In New York at UCB Theater In New York City Our triumphant return Buy tickets now The Prodigal Son's return That's what you guys should call us

The Prodigal Son's Return Yeah No, no, no Just The Prodigal Sons. Return. Yeah. No, no, no. Just the Prodigal Sons. I love it. The nickname. Jake and Amir. The Prodigal Sons Return. They're coming back to Brooklyn. So then it would be the

Prodigal Son Return Returns. Yeah. The Prodigal Son Returns Returns to Brooklyn. I don't think that's a good one. Returns Returns? I don't think it should be Returns. The Prodigal Son Returns to Brooklyn. Returns Returns? I don't think it should be Returns The Prodigal Son Returns To Brooklyn Returns Alright

Last question Yeah It'd be cool if we were going somewhere for the first time Like St. Louis Yeah The Prodigal Son Returns is coming for the first time To St. Louis, Missouri Yeah, but we've actually been to St. Louis

Have we? Yeah University of like Missouri St. Louis St. Louis, Missouri. Yeah, but we've actually been to St. Louis. Have we? Yeah. University of Missouri. St. Louis. St. Louis rolling on dubs and bubba da bubs. Ready for this? No. Emotionally?

Physically? It's another dude. I'm sorry. All right. We'll call this dude Julius Randall. Julius Randall writes, Hey, dudes. I've been seeing my girlfriend long distance for about a year now.

Jake, don't flip out just yet, and it's going quite well for us. Recently, however, she's informed me that she will often send her best girlfriend nude pics of herself. Granted, these are pics she's already sent me, but I just don't understand why she sends them to her friend also. She says it's not so much a sexual thing and she likens it to when girls send outfit pics to show off or get approval. She says that it's a pretty typical behavior among girls who are really close, but I'm 27 and have had a lot of experience with women, but I've never heard of this being typical

behavior with anyone else. What do you think of this situation, and should I do anything about it, or just see if it leads to a three-way? Thanks. Julius Randall. Dude, you hit the jackpot. It's definitely leading to a three-way.

You're on the highway to three-way. You got a ticket to ride. This guy's getting a little ahead of himself he's very optimistic should i do anything about my problem or see if it leads to an orgy uh those are not the options yeah um let's just take the orgy off the table which it's not leading to i never know you think it's you think it's normal, typical behavior? I doubt it, right? Sending girlfriend nude pics? Well, maybe it is leading to an orgy.

Oh. Now that you think about it. Now that I think about it, I don't know. It seems weird. But at the same time, would you be mad if your girlfriend did that? First of all, if I had a girlfriend... She would definitely do it. And yes, I would be mad.

Yeah. I'd be irate. I'd fully expect the three-way. At that point. We've all seen each other naked. Moreover, yeah, I'm a little livid. At what? I'm trying to think here oh is that what this looks like oh no i'm trying to think too hard it seems like i would just be a little worried about like

because if you love someone and they're sending you like pictures that are naked of themselves. They're precious. You don't want those leaking and being out there in the world for other people to gawk at whose eyes they weren't meant to be privy to. Does that make sense? So you're not worried about the friend having it. You're worried about the friend showing it to other people.

I'm worried about the... Ubiquity. The ubiqu ubiquity and conformity and the enormity and the gravity of this situation. What is the word? What are you trying to describe? The integrity is compromised. It's compromising the secrecy. The secrecy. These are all seemingly close.

I wonder if people listening are just shouting the correct word at you that you can't hear. Yeah. Because it's the future. It's – oh, man. I don't know what the word is. Is it – wait. Is it presciety? Like preciousness?

No, it's like something being breached. Oh. The integrity, like the structural integrity, but not that. It's being compromised. Yeah, like the... But whatever. The emotional integrity. The security is compromised.

Yeah. I'll say that. Okay, that's close enough. Yeah, you've got these pictures that you're holding. They're in your possession. They're precious. They're, I guess, theoretically on your girlfriend's phone, but they're precious to her, too. And now they're on her friend's

phone. That's three phones that these photos are on. I think that's a little too much. It's a little too risky. It's one too many. Yeah, and that could go to more phones and more phones after that. But it's not like she's cheating on you with her friend. I would just be concerned

with the carelessness, the frivolity that they're being sent into the world to you to her friend it's like hey these are a little precious here yeah i thought they were for my eyes only yeah i think that's another thing you you expect to feel special uh especially you know if she's your girlfriend they're not being sent to other people they're just for your eyes they're for you but isn't it a little bit sexy if she's your girlfriend they're not being sent to other people they're just for your eyes they're for you but isn't it a little bit sexy that she's sending it to her friends I don't buy into that like lesbians are hot shit

no that's not that's not for you no like oh dude hot yeah girls sharing nude pics like I'm not involved in that so it's not like sexy well he thinks it'll lead to that well of course it won't well it is one step closer than nothing I'm not involved in that. So it's not like sexy. Well, he thinks it'll lead to that. Well, of course it won't.

Well, it is one step closer than nothing. Yeah, that's true. Is it worth the risk though? Well, I don't even know if it's worth bringing up to your girlfriend to be like, don't do this. I guess you could say it makes me a little uncomfortable. Like, why do you want to do that? But you don't want to issue the ultimatum, as we called it earlier. Yeah.

I'm afraid of ultimatums. I fear the ultimatum. You never want to say, choose this over me. Well, it's always like, the ultimatum is always happening when something shitty is happening or when something or someone is being shitty. So as soon as the ultimatum is issued, that's like the death sentence for everything. Right. So it's not necessarily the ultimatum is issued, that's like the death sentence for everything. Right, so it's not necessarily the ultimatum. My girlfriend's sending naked pictures,

like just theoretically, let's say, my girlfriend's sending naked pictures to her friends and my friends and just like lots of people. Should I issue an ultimatum? No, break up with her. Right. And then it's like, oh, my girlfriend has issued me an ultimatum

that she's going to start making out with my friends. Like, oh, break up with her. If an ultimatum has been issued or you think you need to issue an ultimatum has been issued or you think you need to issue an ultimatum that's actually what you're saying is it's time to break up right because you don't want to put her in a position where she's choosing between something else and you yeah but it doesn't sound like this is a situation that warrants an ultimatum or a breakup but maybe like hey i'm like lightly concerned by this yeah maybe a pen ultimatum which is the

second to last ultimatum. Exactly. It's sort of saying, can you quell my fears or confirm them? Yeah. I can confirm them. I have been sending nude photos to a female friend of mine. Very well. And can you quell my fears that this means you are frivolous with your nude photos

and you don't care if other dudes see because I fear that may make me jealous. Quell or confirm? That is confirmed too. I do not care who sees these nude photos, whether it be my female friends, homosexual male friends, or even heterosexual male friends. That is the key word that I did not

want to hear. Heterosexual. So, here we go. This is the end of our relationship. What a ride it was. Thank you. Thank you very much and good night. Namaste. And then you cut to leaving the apartment forever. Never coming back. There it is.

I think if it makes you uncomfortable, you should bring it up, but you shouldn't say, don't do it. Don't say, don't do it. Right. Never, because I think you say something makes you uncomfortable to see how the other person reacts. Yeah.

No one reacts well to an ultimatum, but she may react well to your discomfort. Yeah. Maybe her instinct will be to comfort you. Yeah. I think nobody's instinct when they're issued an ultimatum is to comfort the issuer of the said ultimatum. Maybe you should also take a straw poll of some female friends to see if it is a normal thing. Straw polls are always a good idea. Maybe a Gallup poll.

Maybe 100 independent Americans scattered across America. I think I'd feel comfortable if Quinnipiac conducted the poll. Yeah, you give her the facts of the case. Listen, 79% of females do not send pictures to friends. Obviously, this is a level of normalcy that you're over-exaggerating at the very least. I wouldn't say that's average. Maybe if 50% did, but we're looking at these numbers. I mean, these are strong, strong indicators.

I don't lie. Yeah, that's it. I don't lie. If you have questions of your own, or if you're just looking to fuck with us in a weird, weird way. In a sadistic way. If you want to troll us.

Like a prank or maybe a fake question about having threesomes or orgies and stuff like that that you think are funny but we don't necessarily like. Send that to ifireryoushow at gmail.com. Not only that, if you have a theme song. Oh, yeah. That first one was pretty awesome. It was written by Danny Rags, I believe his name is. D-Riggs. Danny Riggs, right.

D-Riggs. And this last one, this outro is written by somebody named Jonathan Gould. Our fans are more talented than us. More talented than you. Don't speak for me. I could write the fucking hell out of a theme song here we go three two one my baby don't mess around because she knows she loves me it's a no for sure so far exactly hey uh i know it's exactly hey uh so it's pretty cool that i thought of it that quickly also don't speak for me You spent three minutes confessing my love for you,

which is something that you don't have the authority to do. I have the audacity to do it. Yeah. I think that makes me a little bit lovable. But just a little bit. Just enough. Hey-ya. Thanks, guys.

We'll be back soon. Hey-ya. If you're feeling down or need some advice These two guys will bring your questions to life When life is tough and you don't know what to do Just write an email and add if I were you I think it's time for us to just seize the cheese. I think it's getting time to help us out, please.

And if our questions don't just make fun of us. Make fun of us. And we'll go kill ourselves at our local store. We'll go kill ourselves at all. And we'll get stuck. We'll get stuck. Cease the cheese.