Segments - 81: Hot Pizza

Episode Date: June 2, 2014

In this episode we discuss whether you should sleep with somebody your friends have already slept with, and also pornography. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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you guys will like this one, I really do me too, enjoy, cheers I've never seen a smoke show in the flesh. And I'm always swiping right on Tinder. And I'm not proud of my problem. That's why I turn to you. And not my friends or family. And every question's like

help me, save me, tell me what to do please, what now and how can you sort me out pal? hashtag dope without putting me on blast and every answer's like oh well calm down, we can help you sort this out don't fear, I'm a mere pinch and I am right

here if I were you if I were you If I were you I'd listen to our podcast show Things will always get real Every Monday listening We can tell you what to do On our show if I were you Go and seize the cheese

Email us in your questions please For advice from Jews From Jews If I were you The podcast show Dope Lord That was actually Lord

She submitted finally Well she's been submitting for a long time But she finally got on Yeah we had a very long queue for Lorde to get on, but she finally waited 80 episodes, and we finally had on Lorde. Wow. Just kidding, that wasn't Lorde. It was Ilana, Isla, and Danny. That was great. Love the harmonies, guys. You know, they are conjoined triplets.

Amazing. Yeah, well, they didn't say that in the email, but you can sort of tell just by how simpatico they were yeah like the voices they're all really close together right like at least at the very least their mouths were close or at the very least it was edited to sound nicely yeah and at the very most their conjoined triplets yeah which i don't think is a thing scientifically anatomically but at the very least, they're conjoined triplets. I'll ask Google. Yeah, you're asking Jeeves right now if conjoined triplets are a thing? I guess, why couldn't it be if there's conjoined twins and there are triplets?

Why not conjoined triplets? I'll tell you why. Because, oh no, these are some pictures I really didn't want to see i did not want to see this wait what did you search i just the picture that shows up is not nice but is it of a conjoined triplet i don't think it's just no i don't think so i don't even think this is an omelet i think there's some there's a lot of conjoined twins with a third triplet that's like, I have to stop. The lucky non-conjoined one. Yeah, like conjoined twins and then the other baby.

Yeah, but not like all three people conjoined. No, that didn't happen. Hey, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. I thought it would be cool if you took the lead this episode. Thoughts? Yeah, you did, and I love it.

And? And here we go. Let's get started. You guys, you find yourself in sticky situations, you email us at ifiryshowatgmail.com. We do our best to offer you advice. Nice. Good job. Thank you.

That was concise. You know what? I'm not even going to sugarcoat it. I'm not going to say it was concise. It was perfect. It sounds like you are sugarcoating it. Oh, no. It was concise.

You said everything you needed to say. It was concise, informative, eloquent even. No. I'm not going to use all these adjectives. You're not going to sugarcoat it? I'm done with it. You're not going to sugarcoat it? One adjective that you needed for that intro, perfect.

That's how you describe it. That is sugarcoating it. That's not sugarcoating it. You're not going to sugarcoat it, but it's perfect? Yes. Yeah, it's like saying, I don't want any sugar on this donut. I'm just going to drown it in sugar. No.

Yeah. You don't know jack shit about donuts or intros. I can't believe you're already letting this go to your head. Sorry it took you 80 episodes to give the microphone to a big boy and let a real guy do it. That's not sugarcoating it. Now you're finally getting it. All right, so here we go. Let's get started. Figure why not.

A lackey. What's a name for these folks? Well, is the first person a female or a male? The first person is a female. Okay, let's call her Blossom. All right. So we don't know what the theme is, but we'll figure it out, I'm sure. Would you say we're giving these real emails?

Fake names. Yeah, okay. To preserve their... Anonymity. Anonymity. Anonymity. Anonymity. Anonymity.

Their anonymousness. Their anonymousness. Their anonymousness. Yeah. Blossom writes, hey guys, so there's a guy that I've liked on and off for a while and he... Oh. All right. Tripping over the first hurdle.

We're going to edit that out. Oh, are we? Yeah. Fuck. Now you have to edit it out, don't you? I'll definitely bleep those words. Easy does it. Hey guys, so there's a guy that I've liked on and on for a while,

and he and his girlfriend finally broke up, and I'm ready to make a move. Seems easy, right? Well, recently, a guy that I've hooked up with before wanted to hang out, and I made the plans before knowing that that first guy was single again. I liked the first guy enough that I would like to date him, but I really would enjoy hooking up with the other guy because I know it would be great. Would it be okay if I hook up with the second guy and then try to get at that first one? They do know each other, but they're not best friends or anything, so I doubt there would

be a problem in the future, but it's still something to think about. Thanks in advance. Blossom. So she has two guys that she wants to be with. Right. One guy that she wants lost long term. We'll call that guy number A. Yeah, A guy.

And guy number B is just this guy. Put the penis on a pedestal. Yeah, that she can hook up with. She wants to know if she should get B out of the way and then start with A. Or is hooking up with B compromising A too much and to not even do it? Yeah. Hmm. Interesting. Two even do it? Yeah. Hmm. Interesting.

Two schools of thoughts. Yeah. Well, the reason I found this question to be particularly interesting is it's so guys would just do this thoughtlessly. They would hook up with two girls. Yeah, of course. Like simultaneously. Girls, they, these two girls and then more girls that they don't like and girls that they hate. This, she's such a beautiful soul.

Well, I would be afraid to do that. I'd be afraid to hook up with a girl that I like's friend. They're not friends. They just know each other. Yeah, knowing each other. Because then the first person will tell the second person. Well, no. And then I'd feel like I couldn't get with the second person.

What? I feel like if I hook up with someone, if I have a crush on someone, I wouldn't want to hook up with someone that that person is friendly with. But you're not considering that she has a crush on this other person too. You can have multiple crushes. Right. That's normal. But she says one guy is more long-term. Well, I don't know because he's not thinking anything.

He just got out of a relationship I don't think you should like I don't think you should not live your life based on what might happen if as long as this other guy is cool with it I think you should just do what you want and then if then it'll all work out so you're saying go for the sure thing

go for the sure effect do what you want to do it sounds like she wants to hook up with this guy and then go after this other dude she can hook up with multiple people she can make out with this one dude she can call the other dude the next day. There are no rules.

And guys aren't playing by these rules. So don't make them up and then stick to them when, like, you're – she's complicating the game. Instead of just doing whatever she wants. Yes. But don't you think hooking up with a guy who knows a guy compromises hooking up with a second guy? No. Like if somebody hooked up with me, wouldn't you not want to hook up with a guy who knows a guy compromises hooking up with the second guy no like if somebody hooked up with me wouldn't you not want to hook up with them uh no that would make me want to hook up with

them more if a girl hooked up with me that would make you want to hook up with her more yes why i don't know it's sexy in a way i't want to. Don't you not want my quote unquote seconds? You're turning a woman into a meal, buddy? Okay. Interesting. Interesting. That's a third school of thought that Amir has just broached. Of course, I would never call that.

Women are food. A bowl of chili to be consumed. And you are just eating the quote-unquote sloppy version of that food again that you carelessly toss aside in this in this uh fantasy this uh egotistical of course i would never refer to them as that that's why i quoted a chauvinist ass well i see what you're saying it's like you know but everybody is seconds thirds fourths by the by that standard but not the people that you know. But you don't –

I don't want to hook up with someone that my friend is hooked up with. Why? I don't know. Let me think for a second. I don't know why. Why don't I not want to do that? If somebody has – Because it's like some competitive thing?

Like you want to be like, I got this girl and nobody else could? I don't know. I don't even know if it's could. I don't know what it is. Like if somebody had slept with you, I wouldn't want to have slept with them. All right. Say, what's your favorite pizza place in New York City? Lombardi's.

Just because I've eaten at Lombardi's and Dave ate at Lombardi's and Streeter loves Lombardi's. Does that mean that that pizza is less delicious? Well, I don't want to eat your leftover pizza. It's not leftover pizza. It's still the same hot pizza. It's delicious pizza. Her hooking up with someone doesn't make her like an incomplete meal. It doesn't make her cold leftovers.

Every time she sleeps with you, she's losing a bit of herself. Ladies, you're always a hot pizza. You understand that? Nobody makes you a cold pizza. You're never leftovers. You're always a delicious meal. Sometimes you might feel like leftovers, but go out there, take a shower, go on a jog, put your face on, and all of a sudden, oh, my God, you're another delicious pizza. Take a shower, then you got to take a jog.

Yeah. You know what? I don't know. I don't know exactly how to clean myself, but i do know that women aren't food and if they are they could be good they don't have to be leftovers yeah you just told me they were pizza why are you yelling i also told people to go on a run after they shower i don't always know exactly what i'm saying but i think it but i think think the overarching statement is there. Okay. So you're saying just because a girl or a guy has hooked up with a friend of yours, that doesn't make them any more or less desirable.

Right. Does it make them more desirable? Not necessarily more desirable. I'll say that if there was some girl who was hooking up with all of our friends, I might be less inclined. Well, not me, but I could see someone being less inclined. One should be. Right. See, that's the thing. Let's switch the genders so we're not stereotyping here.

If there's a guy that slept with all of a female's friends she shouldn't want to sleep with him right theory or maybe that just makes them someone curious they're like i wonder what the hype's about i wonder why everyone's sleeping with this dude or with this girl that makes me think like zero is the best amount of friends and infinity is the worst amount and as you get closer to infinity the worse it is if they slept with one friend, it's slightly bad. Two, three, four, it's getting worse and worse and worse. You made sex into math again is what you did there. You're doing it again. Every time you make sex into math, I don't know what to do with my erection.

You made me hard for this, for this theory, this numbers. Maybe you're right. But I also think, I think there's like the threshold that can be, you know, there's a grace period of like zero to three, maybe. Right. Zero three is the same. Yeah. It's like, okay, everybody hangs out in like an incestuous environment of people. Yeah.

And that's just like how it works. You like work with people, you try to maybe sleep with them. You have a group of friends. You try to maybe sleep with some of them. And you shuffle around. I mean, Rachel was with Ross and Joey. Yeah, but nobody wanted her to be with Joey. That's true.

But Rachel had to explore that opportunity for herself. Well, let me ask you this. Let's say, is there a friend out there where if a girl had hooked up with him, you'd be like, oh, I don't want that girl? Dave Rosenberg. I just wanted a yes or no. You didn't have to name names. Oh, sorry. Dave Rosenberg damages goods. He leaves pizzas ruined. He ruins pizzas. I would say for me, he did.

In fact, you don't even eat at restaurants he ate. Just completely abandoning the metaphor, you wouldn't even actually eat at Lombardi's had he eaten there. Yeah, because he eats at Lombardi's and he drills it as hard as he can and he likes to choke it. So I don't – I find – actually, maybe it doesn't matter. It really doesn't matter. I'm trying to like – I want to catch up to my actual view. Like I want to practice what I preach. Yeah.

You know, so I'm saying I really, I really think it shouldn't matter. If Dave had hooked up with a girl and you were interested, you would still go for it. Yeah, I think so. That's beautiful. Thank you. But I wonder what prohibits me from doing that. So do I. We'll never know.

A question for another podcast, my friend. Moving on. Did we answer this girl's question? I think it's fine and you seem to think it's not. If I were you, I wouldn't do it. And if I were you, I would. But that being said, you're you and you should do it because I don't think people would look down on you if you did. It's not a bad thing.

Perfect. Moving on. Thanks for keeping us on our feet, on our schedule, on our toes. We are moving right along then. Yes. Okay. You don't have to thank me for anything. We're just going to move along.

This is a status quo. I appreciate your gratitude. Don't think it goes unnoticed. It certainly goes unnoticed, but just going to move along. This is a status quo. I appreciate your gratitude. Don't think it goes unnoticed. It certainly goes unnoticed, but we have to move on. Okay? Your attitude, your gratitude, and frankly, this platitude. Yeah. They are all welcome.

And I am ready to move on. And we shall move on. Okay, great. I want to thank you for thanking me. Okay, great. Thank you for being you. And question the second. And question the second. Okay, great. I want to thank you for thanking me. Okay, great. Thank you for being you. And question the second. And question the second.

Moving right along. I like this pace that we're on. I really do. I mean, this one comes from a guy. Okay, we'll call him Joey. Joey writes, whoa. Nice. Hey, dude, this was a two-parter question.

Big fan of the show and web series. Ah, sorry. Hey, dudes, this was a two-parter question. Part one of the show and web series. Hey dudes, this one's a two part or question. Part one, I need some advice. I'm currently 15 years of age, turning 16 soon and I've been training with a good friend for about one year to become a US Army Ranger. The problem is, I don't know if that would

be my best course of action. My brother, who I'm very close with, discourages me from pursuing a career in the 75th Ranger Regiment because he's concerned that I might get killed or severely wounded, but I have a passion for it, and every day I ache for the day that I can stand among the best of the best. My question is, should I try and obtain my goal of becoming a Ranger with my friend, who I know has got my back, or should I go to college and get a degree in psychology? Part 2. this girl that i like and she likes me but i'm not sure how to initiate a conversation i want to get to know her how would i go about doing this thanks any response would be greatly appreciated joey let's answer the more important question first the chick so you facebook message her right oh this dude is like the most badass guy in the world i'm gonna be a ranger

my friend's got my back and it's all i think about also i'm scared of women would i um are there women on the other side how do i conversate one what if instead of uh what if instead of weapons they use women to uh talk to me then i'm gonna be really screwed that's what the enemy needs yeah check girls of a facebook a cryptic facebook message, more dangerous than any missile. The dichotomy of a 16-year-old. I only think about Warren Pussy. And I'm all out of pussy. Warren Pussy was actually the original name for War and Peace.

Amazing. Yeah, I guess the publisher, Penguin Publishing, didn't want him to use pussy in the title. That's fair. Yeah, because it's crass. It's rude. It's crass. It it's crass it's rude so they called it bad word yeah so they called it first they called it yeah they called it penis and pussy and then they realized they changed that they had changed the wrong word and then it they landed on war and peace so which question should we answer first um i feel like we could answer um is the second one literally just how do i start a conversation with a girl I like?

So just say, hey, that's it. We answered that one already. But is it that easy? I don't know. Write her a Facebook message. She likes you? There's all the bets are off. There are no stakes.

You could just, like, go up and make a fart sound and it'll be... How do you know she likes him? Is that what it says? Yes, that she likes me too. Oh. Just walk up to her. And then? Hi. Hi. How's your day going? Uh, that she likes me too. Oh. Just walk up to her. And then? Hi.

Hi. How's your day going? Good. How are you? Great. Do you want to join the Rangers? Yeah! Oh, hoorah!

The other thing is, if it's something that you're really passionate about, it sounds like you don't necessarily need to make a decision this second since you're 15. Why don't you keep on training, see what's up, and then in a couple years you'll make a decision. Yeah, you can always go after your dreams at age 18. Right, and you know, I was always too much of a pussy to enter the

armed forces. Yeah, or any level of defense, really. Right. So, you know, of course, I would appreciate it if you had my back. It sounds like you're a tough dude. Yeah. If you can protect pussies like me and Jake, that would be ideal for us. That way we can keep hanging out here with our microphones in between our cocks.

If you can protect us pussies, we will do our best to get you pussies. Go up to that girl and just say, hey. Try that. How's that for a tradeoff? Three years of service and we tell you to walk up to someone. you put your life on the line and we say say hello are we even sir don't drop and give you 50 um yeah that's funny that he's down to fight wars but afraid of 16 year old girls i fear neither death or bullets. But I don't know.

If a girl has perky tits, it really throws me off. I'm afraid if I say something weird or stupid or worse both, then she might not like me anymore. I want her to kiss my lips one day. I feel like that would make me happiest. It's nice that your brother's concerned about you. I think you could maybe have a conversation with him and say, I love that you care about me, but if you really care about me, you

should want me to feel fulfilled, and being a ranger is what is going to make me feel that way. I think the best thing I can do is keep on training so I can be the best ranger that I can be, and if I can do that, then you shouldn't have to worry about me. Yeah.

That's what you should say to your brother, who I think is a traitor. Yeah, I don't know. He might be. Holy shit. How did I – It was a joke? I think about my brother doing that, and I'd be like, don't. Yeah.

No, I wouldn't want my brother doing that either. It's tough. But I mean, also at the same time, thank God there's people out there that do want to do it because that's... Yeah, not all of us could not do it. Right. That wouldn't work out either. If we all didn't do it, then we'd be fucked. Ideally, everyone but me and my brothers would do it.

That is... And then the second layer is none of my friends doing it. Oh, God. And then the third is fine if strangers do it. Go for your dreams. You can do it. Go for your dreams. You can do it. Achieve your goals. Wee! Go for the girl. Go for your dreams. Moving on. Whoa.

You really do mean business today. I fly. I've never seen you this confident and cocky. Thank you. It's unbelievably unattractive. Really? Yeah. I hate it. I'm sorry. I apologize. I'll try to be less cocky. Moving on. I can be less cocky. I'm the best. I can make anything happen. If you need me to be less cocky,

I will be because no one's better than me and I can nail it. Sure. Here we go. All right. Let's do less cocky then. All right. Moving on. Do you mind? That's good. All right. Thanks. I don't even know. I'm trying my best. Is it all right? Yeah. Okay. Well, if you don't mind, how about we move on? Sure.

All right. Question three. Nailed it. This one comes to us from another guy. Mr. Nick Russo. Mr. Nick Russo writes, I'm just going to try to get to the point. I like that. Right?

I've been dating this girl for a little over a year now, and her dad is a, air quotes, firefighter. He's rarely at the house because he claims he's always working at the firehouse. My girlfriend's house is massive, and I don't see how her dad's firefighter salary could afford it. The other day, I was watching porn, and I shit you not, I'm 99.9% sure, we are talking Lysol sure, that her dad was one of the actors in the exotic film I was watching. Should I tell my girlfriend that I think her dad is a porn star? Do you think that would offend her? Should I show her the video and see if she agrees the actor is a dead ringer for her dad?

Any advice would help. Thanks. Mr. Nick Russo. What do you think Lysol sure means? Like that's how many germs Lysol kills? Yeah, I guess Lysol gets like 99.9% of the bacteria. Oh, okay. Maybe that's their slogan.

Yeah, don't tell her that her dad is in porn. There's two possible outcomes. One, you're right and it's the worst thing ever two you're wrong and it's almost as bad as being right because that you admitted to a watching a porn that looked like her dad and then b to sitting her down and saying accusing her father of being a porn actor you're a tattletale who told on the dad who's in the porn definitely just don't tell anybody also do you think male porn stars make really great salaries that can afford houses? Yeah, I would say firefighters, I hope,

do better than porn stars, right? Yeah. If there's anything just in society. I think most porn stars are doing it for free. Yeah. Their rates are certainly lower than a woman's. They sure both dress like firefighters, so I can see why you'd be confused. That's a good question. Do porn stars make more than firefighters? If everything is male porn stars, I don't think do. Male porn stars. Well, I don't know anything about being a firefighter because like we discussed in the last question, I am a pussy.

So I would be afraid of fighting fire. Yeah. I'm also afraid of fighting the axis of evil. Sure. Basically anything, really. Right. I'm afraid of fighting fire. Yeah. I'm also afraid of fighting, you know, the axis of evil. Sure. Basically anything, really. Right. I'm afraid of fighting everything. But definitely, it seems like if you're a firefighter captain or something, you make a good salary. You have like benefits. You're in a union. Yeah. And who knows where this person lives? Right. Maybe this big house is not like in a a prime part of the world where he can afford it on a firefighter's salary yeah he might have gotten a loan from the bank and he's like making payments and yeah also inheritance fighting fires and how dare you accuse him of being a porn star

just because he's hustling to make a living for his family and and saving the community from flames and you're like i think he's fucking people on camera. I swear. This dude is putting out fires and you're masturbating to videos of guys that look like him. In a cool little video, it would be like the dad holding on this hose, right? He's holding this thick hose. And then he's like, all right, ready, guys? Three, two, one. this hose right he's like holding this thick hose and then he's like all right ready guys three two

one smash cut two guy uh our kid with a limp dick in his hand and cum coming out of it yeah that's like the parallel there i wonder if he saw this the dad in this video and then continued to master that's the question that's a really cool this is crazy. Should I? This is him fapping while writing us an email. Oh, get to the point. Should I tell her? And also, should I finish? Sir, permission to finish.

Can't squeeze out a drop without say so. See, this is why you should only watch POV porn. You'll never see the face of the dude. Cover the face. Fuck the base. You see the dick. You don't see the nose. You don't see the eyes.

It's as if you're there. Favorite POV porn site? Are you asking me? No, I'm asking me. Yes, I'm asking you. My favorite POV porn site? I don't know. POVD is a really good one.

POVD.com. HDPOV.com is pretty nice. What does the D stand for in POVD? I think it's, I don't know. It's just making a simple domain. I know that the audio is 3D or something, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. Yeah, that especially means nothing. For the audio to be in three dimensions, yes, that's correct.

It means nothing. That means nothing? Yeah. It's like surround sound audio. Yeah. Out of your computer speakers? Well, I mean, I guess, I don't know. The audio is kind of cool.

Of course you thought it was cool because it said 3D. Fine, dude. What do you jerk off to? I jerk off to – there's this really cool mixtape of the Spurs playing basketball, like team basketball. Jesus Christ. So they make some really crisp passes. That's nice. Which is pretty hot.

That does sound hot. Top 10 Blake Griffin jams of 2010 to 2011. You are getting hard. I can see your penis very well right now. What should we tell this guy? Oh, yeah, I already did. Don't say anything. Don't bring up the fact that you saw your girlfriend's dad in porn.

Right. And also, it just looks like him. It's not him. Come on. They don't make porn. No, of course not. And even if it is, it's bad. It's a lose-lose.

Your best bet is to forget you ever saw it that's correct but how are you gonna do that i guess you're gonna have to watch so much more porn that you start to forget which porn you saw man that should not be a problem do you watch the same videos over and over or do you like the uniqueness of a new video i like i go back and forth yeah yeah faves yeah but i like to search for new faves it's like music you know you got your old hits you are but you also want to want some new gems it's like you like top 40 but at the same time it can't be the same top 40 forever that's right speaking of music do you remember the first like there are songs that are popular right now that i just assume that i've always heard but like there had to have been the first time i heard talk dirty to me right like

there was a first time they played that on the radio. There was the first time I heard Iggy Azalea's Fancy. It's true. But now I just assume that I've always known it. It's kind of cool how it just, like,

blends into the universe like that. I want to see, like, waves of songs coming and going, top 40 songs, like a graph, an animated graph of, like, songs just sort of gliding up

into our lives i'm thinking about porn fantasizing about uh pov porn and you're fantasizing about graphs yeah that's like the visualization this is 3d audio by the way if you're wondering it's it's the visualization of top 40 songs so like you'll see them peak pop and then glide away and then there's always that little bump like at the end like how we start you start hearing can't hold us now a little bit more that that it's been a year. But there was six months there that they weren't playing it at all. Because it's a summer jam.

Yeah, yeah. It's a summer jam. It's a summer jam. People are just like, you don't listen to music during the winter. There's no such thing as a winter jam. Okay. What's the song of the winter? Holiday music.

That's it. You get a couple new tunes in christmas and then uh just hold your breath till may baby it is funny there's no songs like calvin harris's winter that doesn't exist no a solid winter hit um all right you know what or you tell me what it's time for break time break break break moving on what to the break. Oh, yeah, yeah. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly.

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So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop.

Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held.

They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great.

Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just

concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with aters. Yeah. Visionlifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10%

off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again you go to squarespace.com slash segments you save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you Squarespace. What else? We got

we have a show next week. This week we have a show this week on week we have a show this week on thursday no because this is monday june 2nd we have a show next week next thursday thursday june 12th at the ucb theater in new york and while reservations are sold out you can still show up in a standby line and get in right you're down to pack the house right i want to pack the house like dangerously so right yeah i want it to be a fire hazard that this porn star guy has to come and put out. Yeah, so much so. Stuff it with so many people that he can't even kick his way through.

A dense wall of audience members. That's what I would appreciate. So thick that it's like seven to eight times what the capacity of the room allows for. There we go. Anything else in general? Yeah. I mean, how are you? How's it going?

I'm good. How are you? Fine. Good. We should stop talking to each other off podcast. Right. We'll have a lot more to catch up on. Yeah.

So when we stop recording this episode, we should just go our separate ways for a week or two. Right. Experience life and then come back. And catch up. Yeah, and talk. That would be cool. I had that idea for a podcast, which was all break podcast.

No questions. Just me and you chatting. Oh, shit. Chilling. Imagine that like this, but for 40 minutes. Well, maybe we could do like an oral history of us as a couple, as a couple of friends. So like 40 minutes of us describing our friendship. Yeah.

And what we mean to each other and how it came to be. That sounds like it wouldn't be for everyone. Definitely not for everyone. But maybe there's some people out there who would think it was cool. Yeah. Maybe we'll do it as like a bonus thing. You know what we should do is record video, record another episode. That's true.

We haven't done that in a while. Yeah. We should ask Carnell to do that for us. Mikey, please. Next episode. Even if it's just a static two shot, there doesn't have to be much editing. That's what we did in that hotel in New Orleans. Oh, yeah.

That was great. We just set up a camera. We can even do it on our phones. We could. And yet, we probably won't. Amazing. Isn't that insane? It's so interesting.

No, let's do it. Okay, fine. I'll say I'll guarantee it. Boom. In June. All right. Love it. A video episode.

Come on, baby. We're just not going to do it still. This guarantee means nothing. I'm a renegsman a reneger exactly yeah yes a re-nigerian moving on re-nigerian moving on i thought that was the highlight of the entire episode at this point every to cut me off with that i no i didn't want you to cut me off with that. No, I didn't. I reject it. The haterade. I reject it. All right. Last question. Okay. This is a question coming from a lady.

Where my girls at? Where my girls at? Where my girls at? Shit, where are my girls at? Where are my girls at? Has anyone seen my girls? I've lost my girls at. I had two girls at here, and we were just at the American Doll Store, and I haven't seen my girls at? Has anyone seen my girls? I've lost my girls at. There were two girls at here and we were

just at the American doll store and I haven't seen my girls at! Where the fuck are my girls at? What happened to them? Give me back my sons at. Let's call her Jenna Von Oy. Not six? Not six. Okay. We're breaking the sixth

wall. Jenna Von Oy writes, Dear Jake and Omir. Nice. So my boyfriend is in his first year at uni, and I knew his moving away would be hard, but OMG, nothing could prepare me for this emotional turmoil. He's literally a diva roach.

I mean, he never calls me when he says he will. And sure, he says he's doing work, but his Facebook pictures tell a different tale. He's obvs going clubbing basically every night, probably with other girls. He even had the nerve to make some girls our special dinner, spicy rice bolognese, like WTF. I just wish he knew what it's like to be at home doing jack shit while he's living la vida loca and bettering his career. Basically, how could I make him pay me more attention? Is it wrong to try to guilt him into coming home or dropping out? Love the show.

You're both smoke shows. Hashtag wood bang. She said Lavitaloka and left hashtag she bangs off her email. It was right there for her. Sorry, buddy. A low-hanging Ricky Martin-based fruit. That's right. Would you say...

You just called Ricky Martin a fruit. Finally. You come out as a bigot and a homophobe. Thank you, sir. Would you say her life has turned upside inside out? I really do think... And you know what? I didn't...

There's no picture of her. But you can tell that her lips are they're devil red yeah and her skin it's the color mocha genovan oy vey indeed uh let me answer each one of her question in a row what was the first one is it wrong to guilt him into coming home well that wasn't the first one but that was definitely one that you could answer well let's let's go one by one one by one her questions are one um well i guess the first question mark i see is like what the fuck okay i'll tell you what the fuck he's having fun at uni basically how can i make him pay me more attention can't is it wrong to try

to guilt him into coming home or dropping out yes it is wrong to guilt him to come home and to drop out right so you are jealous because he's having fun at university. Yeah. And you want him to pay you more attention. Yes. And you want him to have less of a good time. You want him to drop out. Yeah.

I think you should break up with him and try to better your life. She also said, like, while he's bettering his career. So you get it. So you know that he's bettering himself, that he's having good life experiences. And there, rather than making you feel happy for him, you are feeling anxious, jealous, and you want him to have a worse time so you can feel better. So what you have to do is – well, this guy is doing half of what we advise. We advise people to go off to uni and have the time of their lives as much as they can but cut off their significant other. There's no need to still have one far, far away if you're having the time of their lives as much as they can, but cut off their significant other. There's no need to still have one far, far away if you're having the time of your life without her.

At least he's not like not enjoying himself, staying at home, being miserable and blaming her. Yes. So he is doing something right, but he should probably have the decency to let her go. Right. And since he won't, she is feeling betrayed, annoyed, anxious, WTF'd about it. So the best thing she can do is let this guy go before he breaks up with her. I'll try to stop hating her a little bit because I think it's vile to say, how do I convince

him to drop out of school? How do I guilt him into paying more attention? But I understand that you're feeling hurt. You're feeling slighted. You're feeling alone and scared and maybe a little coy. Why? I like adjectives. I also said – he is literally a diva roach.

No, he's not. He's living la vida loca. But you're feeling sad and I think that like all you can do is cut him free And try to like Try to give yourself An enriching experience Yeah You can't be dragged down By his happiness

I ain't mad at her Alright I'm just saying I got nothing but love for her What do you expect At this point Like don't let him Get you down girlfriend

You gotta use that To inspire You gotta make spaghetti Bolognese with your own guy Who's not at uni Boom You gotta Instead of getting mad at him while you're at home is uh try to outdo him have a better life than he is having you have to become the diva roach don't you understand the metamorphosis isn't complete until you've diva roached yourself until you're wtfinging somebody else. Upside, inside, out.

Live la vida loca. That song was everywhere and then went away. I think it's time for it to come back. I'd like to see a graph of it. I'd like to see a visual representation. Please. I really think a techno remix of that song by Tiesto or David Guetta can really be the new song of the summer 15 years later.

So what's our suggestion for this girl? If you love something, let it go. And have as good a time as you can without it. If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours. But it probably won't. Yeah. That's the same.

Obviously, I mean, this guy's already not coming back to you and he emotionally belongs to you. If you let him go, you'll never see him again. But that's probably for the best. And I let it go. What do you think's in that bolognese? Spicy. Ricey.

The ricey is quite spicy, and I find it to to be nicey it's a little bit enticey and uh and my head's looking a bit licey but you know your head's actually looking very licey so licey it's filled with mice yeah it's yeah the licey have evolved into larger sort of rodents i can see that i can see see. Yeah. That's enough. You just scratch your head. Go a little icy over there. A little mouse did just skedaddle out of it. Oh, man.

Shit. Rodent. Look at that. Freaking rodent. Freaking rodent scurrying away over there, eh? Yeah. Sometimes it's so obvious. For us, it's easy when you're out of a relationship.

Boom. But that's why you write us in. Uh, is that our show? You're the host. Yeah. And I don't need the prodding. Yeah. I don't need the leading question.

Is that our show? Okay, because I cut it out, but we were sitting here for two minutes and you were staring at me. I see, yeah. Mouthing what to do now. What do I do? What do I do? What now? Yeah. That is our show, ladies and gentlemen. I want to say thank you to Lord herself. Mouthing what to do now. What do I do? What do I do? Yeah.

That is our show, ladies and gentlemen. I want to say thank you to Lord herself. Who? Who? Lord. Of the opening theme song? Yeah. Amazing.

Who was that, though? The names of the three. The names of the three. The three Lordsmen. The opening theme song was lovely. It came to us from... Ilana. Ilana. Iva, Ila, Ila, and Danny. And Danny.

And this last one comes to us from our perennial theme songstress, Aubrey Scott of the band. 6C. Yeah. Thank you. All right. You can listen to more 6C at s-i-c-k-s-e-a.bandcamp.com. Think that URL is based on the American Pie joke? Yes.

That's it. Thanks so much, guys. And again, that email address, if you have your own questions, is ifireyoushowatgmail.com. Thanks, everyone. You don't know where to turn And if you've got a question burning Then send an email to If I were you Cause if I were you, cause if I were you, I would. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

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