Segments - 83: Meredith

Episode Date: June 16, 2014

In this episode we discuss shaving, dying, and orgasms. While singing. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com! The best, easiest, simplest way to make a professional looking website. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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support uh we still have tickets available to our show in london we're bringing the podcast there we're also doing a live sketch and stand-up show with Streeter, both on the same day, Monday, September 8th. You can go to our website or jayknemir.com for more information. All right, let's get started. Thanks, guys. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Thank you. What sort of terrible crime took place that they had to seize the jeans? That's what's up, man. I love bread. You don't want to just be a candy-coated peanut. Yeah. Wow. Oda. Oda, indeed.

You got to earn this booty. I get away with everything. I don't think that ever happened to Jake Herwin. It's gone. I want you. I want you. I want you. I want you. Brett Fields, everyone. Brett Fields. Brett Fields, ladies and gentlemen.

That was acapella, which means he did all the music with his mouth and the singing with his anus. What? Yeah. Hot. I guess he was able to shape his anus in a way that sang words whilst he farted. Crazy. Insane. I love it. I think liking

acapella is one of the more embarrassing opinions that I have. You really love acapella. Yeah, it's funny and it's fun and it's entertaining and I like the way it sounds. I can't make fun of you because it was so sweet. It's entertaining and I like the way it sounds. That's, I can't make fun of you because that was so sweet. It's funny and it's fun and it's entertaining

and I like the way it sounds. Yeah. I like the way you are. Hey, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the interweb. I'm Amir. What? Oh shit, I was still early.

Hosted by us. I'm Amir What? There it is Perfect And I'm Jake Just to confuse the people who are tuning in for the first time They'll never get it again

I already said it was Brett Fields Brett Fields, yeah, of course Singing with his anus Yeah As always As always So how does this show work? Good question.

We get emails from people that are seeking advice and we try to answer those emails. Holy shit. So succinct. What just happened? What did we used to say? It's forever changed. What more needs to be said? It's different now.

The email address is ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. Let's get started. Oh, we also open. Come on, dick We were there We'll do that at the end We'll call form at the end Alright, alright, alright We're getting right into it You ruined it

Finally Hey guys, oh wait, who's this email from? Oh Oh, of course we all know This gentleman from this famous This one is from Ringo Ringo writes, hey guys, love the show Shit

So I went to my senior prom a few days ago with my girlfriend of two months. At the dinner before the prom, she was very passive and wouldn't really talk. At the prom, she ditched me to go talk to her friends for three hours. When I asked if she wanted to dance, she said, not right now. After the prom, she went back to her friend's house without me. So here's my question. Should I break up with her? I spent over $300 on this whole prom

deal. She's been really different and weird recently. I'm fully willing to drop her like a hot potato. And if I should break up with her, then how should I do it? Love, Ringo. Um, he should break up with her, right? Well, she did go to prom with him but then wouldn't talk to him wouldn't dance with him and wouldn't leave with him right i think at the very least you guys could have a discussion about what happened what the fuck went down it's so weird when people like email relationship questions that are so like what is the relationship that you feel like you can't say, hey, why are you being like this to me? Imagine if you woke up one day

and you had a significant other where you spoke to her, she wouldn't respond, then she went to a dance with you, wouldn't talk to you, wouldn't dance with you, and left without you. I would be so heartbrokenly confused. But wouldn't talk to you wouldn't dance with you and left without you i would be so heartbrokenly confused but like you would wouldn't you say something yeah he's like what should i do fucking talk to her what's going on right now what are you just waiting for our response tell her tell her what happened was bad yeah you spent that's the other thing he spent money like you should maybe she doesn't realize that i think you could have a little conversation about that. Like, hey, look, it's not just my feelings. I actually invested cash in this whole thing. and you left with your friends and, you know, I bought your ticket and your meal

and you wouldn't eat or sit with me. I don't think that's fair. I don't think that's right. I don't think we should be going out. Not that she owes him anything sexually. That's right, of course. Of course. But she does owe him a friendly attitude.

Well, they're in a committed, loving relationship. She owes him an explanation if she's gonna split yeah i wonder what he thought when that happens it's like oh that's weird she's not dancing with me and now she's leaving without me i feel a fool what should i do how should i break up with her how do i play you don't like yeah there's no specific way you have to break up with her no one's saying you have to break up with her. No one's saying you have to break up with her. It sounds like your relationship is non-existent. Fox and weird. Yeah.

But I think you have to at least communicate when you're feeling down in the dumps. Yeah. Especially when it's due to something that she made you feel by ignoring you at prom. Well, this is a high schooler, so it's like, the reason it sounds so weird to us is because if this is your first relationship, you don't know how things work. Is this normal? How does one break up? Why does one break up?

That's true. You're feeling each other out. Yeah. You're learning. You're learning each other up. You should just have a discussion with her. That's how it all works. You say, I feel this way. Yeah.

Not because of any, and you don't want to project feelings on her. You don't want to be like, I feel this way because you're being a bitch. But you would say, what I perceived to happen at prom was that I felt ignored. I felt slighted. I felt that

you were pushing me away. It makes me feel lonely, small, sad, and to be honest, a little coy. You always feel coy. I often feel coy. And then she may say, well, the reason I was pushing you away is because blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. You know, a million reasons. But the important thing is to not enter any discussion with an expectation of how she's supposed to make you feel. Or an expectation of what's going to be the outcome. You know? All you can do is communicate your feelings honestly and openly.

And, to be honest, coyly. Curly. And coyly. If he should break up with her, then how should he do it? Well, I think that the conversation may lead to breaking up right i felt this way and she says i don't care how you feel maybe you say okay well um i don't want to be with someone who doesn't care how i feel yeah you always want to be with someone that cares how you feel that's like one of the basic ones that's like one of the first things to build the relationship might be the only one that really really matters yeah also like sex should be dope yeah yeah like and also

if the person's hot so i guess the three pillars are if the person's hot if you connect sexually yeah if the sex is dope and then also like if they care about how you feel right that that it's those three in itself can last you a year or two even at that point. Two years is a lifetime, buddy. Yeah. Trust us. And then once you get past that point, then you can discuss other things like values and how to raise a family and stuff. Like inconsequential shit like that. Remember our idea or the idea of this episode of singing a song about every question once we're done answering it?

Yeah, yeah. Do you still want to do that? Yeah, yeah. So we had the idea of it's either terrible or good. We're about to find out. But after every answer that we give this episode, we'll improvise a song about it. Okay.

Should we improvise the situation, like basically make a song out of the question or make a song out of the answer oh interesting what were you thinking i guess i was going to just start with the premise of the question and then like go from there okay all right that was all i had gotten are we both going to sing are you going to play and i'm going to sing um uh well let's why don't we let's both let's we'll both sing okay but you can i'll let you start the song. Okay. Do you, I would just like, I need a little bit of direction in terms of, do you want

it to be sort of like, you know what? I'm just going to feel this out. All right, here we go. This song is by Ringo and it's called, uh, Hey, What Happened at Prom? You did me wrong. All I want to do is talk to you. You didn't have to touch my dong. Mara down. Oh, Mara down. How do I break up with you? This is actually really terrible.

It's easy. All I have to do is communicate with you and tell you that you don't respect my feelings or my space or how I talk to you. You ditched me. What the hell is wrong with you? Meredith, I'm 17 and I don't get how shit works or means. I can't understand what you mean to me.

So Meredith, understand that I should say goodbye. Bye-bye-bye-bye-bye-bye-bye-bye. You couldn't have chosen a better name than Meredith? It's really hard to rhyme stuff with Meredith. Yeah, for some people. Fine. So Meredith. I'll give that one a B minus.

Not a complete fail. It sounded sort of like a Dave Matthews song. Yeah, that's kind of my inspiration. Well, luckily we have three more to get through. Cool. All right. This one is from somebody. This email is from somebody we'll call George.

George! Right. Hey, guys. One of my coworkers recently has gone sick, hospitalized with heart issues, breathing tube, the whole shebang. He's only 45 or 50, but he's a large dude, so that could be the cause of the problems. Since he's gone, I've inherited most of his work to complete, as we don't know how long he'll be in the hospital for, or if this could even lead to him dying. My issue is, his work is totally fucked up. I'm sitting here trying to make sense of everything he had done before he left, and I'm noticing errors and mistakes left and right. My first instinct is to tell him what

he's doing wrong. I've compiled a list of all the things that I want to correct him on, but the further down I get on the list, the more I think about how inappropriate it might be to ask him to go to him about these issues the first day he's back from the hospital and tell him that I had to go and redo most of the things he had done. I feel bad for this guy, and I obviously hope he gets better and whatnot, but does he get exempt from learning from his mistakes because of what he's going through?

I'm not sure if I should correct this dude or not. Love, George. Fuck you, George. Why? Fuck George. Why? I'm thinking how inappropriate it might be. How inappropriate it is.

No. It is inappropriate to visit a dying guy in the hospital and tell him he's doing his work wrong? No, he's not going to visit him. He's going to wait until he's back the first day. He said how inappropriate it might be to go to him the first day he's back from the hospital and tell him to go and redo most of the things he had done. Sorry. First day back.

Excuse me. He's not going to barge into his hospital room with a stack of papers. That's what I was thinking. Okay, let's say this guy's back from the hospital. Then is it okay? I don't know. You don't have to wait. You don't have to be doing it the first day.

I wouldn't, I don't know. I think there's probably a more polite way to play this. Oh, Meredith. Oh, Meredith. I think, yeah, you keep a, you maybe don't hand him a list of all the mistakes he's made, but do what you can do. It's your job now to handle his work, so fix it because that's your job. And when he gets back, you could say, hey, I want to talk to you about these – the way you do this. It's not necessarily right.

But also if it hasn't affected you up until this point, does – I don't know. I don't know what it's like to have a real job. What's paperwork? What's wrong? It's like the graphs and the charts are weird. The slides that you put on, what's that thing? The projector, you put a transparent slide and it goes on the board. The reports are in error.

Yeah. There's no cover sheet or something. Yeah. I don't know. I don't have real work to do. I talk. I do a podcast and then Amir puts the words on the internet and you hear it. And I hear it.

And that's all I do. Yeah. Is that what you did wrong? Or did he do that incorrectly? It doesn't make any sense to me. Everyone has a podcast, right? George? Here's what I would do.

Maybe not the right thing to do, but since this show is called If I Were You, if I were you, I would talk to your boss about it. Then you never have to communicate with the sick guy. That's the correct answer. But it's not really nice because it's like telling on him yeah like the good thing the nice thing to do would be to just fix the mistakes for this guy and not get him in trouble but in but what i would do is just tell his boss in theory you guys have the same boss if you're doing the same work it all depends i guess you

just have to like that's that's the answer to every question in the world it all depends i guess all right pick up that guitar it all depends i guess this podcast just devolves into us singing songs it's not called if i were you anymore it's called it all depends i guess we just read a question go it all depends i guess all right now we gotta play that song. 45 minutes. Meredith. Yeah, like, don't get him in trouble. Maybe you could, like, do this work, and then when he gets back, you tell the boss, like, oh, I noticed, like, some of these were erroneous. Maybe you could communicate the better way to do this going forward. But I don't think he gets exempt because his heart's bad.

Well, yeah, it sounds like he doesn't know how to live his life healthily or do his work properly. Yeah. Maybe you should be dead. Oh, Meredith. Maybe you should be dead. If you're too fat to take care of yourself, maybe you should be dead if you're too stupid to get your work done

maybe you should be dead maybe you should be named Ted but you're not your name is Meredith everybody's name is Meredith in my song. Oh, Meredith.

Oh, Meredith. Get your shit together. Make sure that it's in order so other people don't have to help you out. No need to scream and shout. I'm not going to pout when you pass away. Because today we're going to have to hire someone else to fix your mistakes. Oh, Meredith. Worse than the first one.

You think so? I know, Sant. Do we have anything left to tell this guy? No, I think it depends, I guess. Yeah, it depends, I guess. I say tell your boss. That way you don't have to deal with it. And I say try a little harder to read the situation. Yeah. I think it depends, I guess. I say tell your boss. That way you don't have to deal with it. And I say try a little harder to read

the situation. I think it's all relative. And it kind of depends. I need to know some more factors. Yeah, you're drinking arsenic right now. That's fair. Alright, third question.

John, have we used? No. John writes. But John wasn't a beetle. We did George and Ringo. John Lennon. Oh. You only know two of them.

I only know the two famous ones, I guess. I wouldn't call George the famous one. Yeah, well, the three famous Beatles. All right, sure. Here we go. There are three Beatles. Ready? There are three Beatles.

There are John, George, and Ringo. Ringo Starr. Yes, of course, Ringo Starr. There's also a fourth. All right. Here's my situation. My ex-girlfriend and her friend, let's call her M Were talking about their sex lives

And they reached the topic of orgasms M told my ex That she never had an orgasm And asked if she would find someone to give her one My ex asked me If I would have sex with a friend Because she knows I would give her an orgasm My ex and I ended on pretty bad terms,

and although we get along okay now, I still have a layer of hatred towards her, for lack of a better term. So I guess what I'm asking is, what do I do? Is it acceptable for me to have sex with my ex's friend based on her recommendation, even though I don't really like my ex? Her friend is a 9 out of 10 if that changes anything. Thanks in advance. Love, John. So if you hated your ex and she asked you to have sex with her friend, would you? I think one of the big factors here is does the friend want to? Yeah. Why isn't she coming to you?

Because she doesn't know this guy. She asked her friend to get a guy for her that would give her an orgasm. Okay. And she's like, oh, my ex would give you an orgasm. Well, ladies, you don't need a guy to give you an orgasm. You should buy a rabbit, if that's curious. I would say get a

vibrator and hold it against your clitoris and you may discover you can have an orgasm without needing to go to your friend's ex-boyfriend. That's all I'll say. What? Secondly, huh? Secondly, why is – I don't understand.

Okay. I think if you hate your ex, you wouldn't want to be doing her any favors. Even favors. You want to leave that circle You want to remove yourself from that situation And engaging in sexual acts at her behest Thrusts you right back into the whirlwind of that relationship And complicates your life thusly

So, ergo, therefore, heretoart thou I would say Cogito ergo sum uh no do not do that even if it means boning a nine out of ten baby uh yes this is your first time i've ever heard anti-sex. I think advice anti... I always give advice anti-ex. Pro-sex, anti-ex. Anti-ex trumps all sex. Really?

Understand? Yes. Anti-ex trumps all sex. I don't think you should ever be fucking your exes. I feel like I've said that before. I think I'll go on record saying it now. But... Oh, wait. But this isn't sleeping with an ex.

It's too close to it. It's sex involving the ex, and I think that's next. What? Next question, I think. Well, I think pro-sex, anti-ex is a good name of a song. I'm pro-sex, but anti-ex. To you I say next. Don't give me that hex.

I don't want to be vexed. Pro-sex, but anti-ex So don't give me that hex I swear I don't need that vex So I want to say to you Find someone else to fuck that Jew Is she Jewish? I assume she was Cause I named her M which sounded because Fuck that Jew. Is she Jewish? I assume she was. Cause I named her M, which sounded because.

Oh, I'm pro-sex. I'm pro-sex, but anti-ex. So give me that sex. To die, everybody. I thought this song was going to be an instrumental, but you came in. It was good. What? An instrumental?

Yeah, I feel like sometimes the question begs for an instrumental ballad. An instrumental ballad, indeed. I can barely hear your guitar. How would that be instrumental? It would be kind of quiet, kind of cool, kind of chill, kind of lax and a little bit coy. It's always coy with you. What I would do in this situation is also not do it because I'd be afraid to sleep with someone who didn't necessarily know me as some sort of favor for someone else that doesn't sound like a good sexual experience you might be a little afraid to sleep with someone who is full-on expecting to have their first orgasm ever like holy shit that's a lot of pressure so

you said you'd blow my mind did you um well my girlfriend said that i I'm just going to do my best. Oh, no. Oh, I nodded. Oh, fuck. Why? Why? Yeah. An orgasm is a pretty intimate thing, and I think sometimes you really need to know someone to have a good one. Yeah. Could you give someone an orgasm that you were set up with on an orgas orgasm date i don't know it depends if your bodies are in sync i so i yeah

you could have orgasms like your first time with someone but you have to be like attracted to them uh maybe no but maybe some people in general in general that sounds like a good rule yeah of thumb specifically the person but you could always find yourself attracted to some aspect of a person In general. In general. That sounds like a good rule. Yeah, of thumb. Specifically. To be attracted to the person. But you can always find yourself attracted to some aspect of a person. Specifically the ass. And the pecs. I'm lonely.

So lonely. Are you okay? Yeah. Well, I'm not dead. I wish I were. Jesus. Let's move on. All right. It's break time. Jesus. Let's move on. All right.

It's break time. Oh. Tight. Tight. Indeed. Anything to discuss? In your mind? To discuss.

To talk about. Obviously, it could be anything. Yeah. So that's how easy it is to guide this conversation. Oh, Meredith. This episode's going to be called Meredith, right? Of course. Yeah. What else did we talk about? What else can we talk about?

How about when you got rejected from your credit card that you applied for? Oh, yeah. My identity was stolen. Yeah. I got a stolen identity. Somebody took me. Someone jacked your ID. For a ride. Yeah. And they got a stolen identity. Somebody took me. Someone jacked your ID. For a ride.

Yeah. And they got a computer, and they ruined my credit. So I guess watch out for that, guys. Can your credit be fixed? Yeah. They have to investigate the fraud, and they have to go through and delete it. But it takes about a month to do that. So what you can do is put a fraud alert on your credit card accounts.

That way, whenever someone tries to open an account, they contact you and say, are you sure you want to open an account? That's not standard. Why don't they just do that all the time? I don't know. That's insane. I guess it's extra work. That's crazy.

So they charge you for it. They charge you to open a... To have fraud alert. How much? I think it's $26,000. Jesus they charge you for it. They charge you to open a... To have fraudulent. How much? I think it's $26,000. Jesus, that's not much. Yeah. I thought it would be expensive.

That's like a... I wonder if there's a word for that type of thing where they just... They take things away and then charge you for it. It's kind of like TSA pre. Right. Like, you never have to take off your shoes. And now you have to take off your shoes. But if you pay $80, then you don't have to take off your shoes and now you have to take off your shoes but if you pay 80 then you don't have to take off your shoes anymore it's like huh fuck you so the

technology's there and you guys aren't afraid of shoe bombs anymore but you're still gonna make everyone else take their shoes off yeah how dare you yeah you're capitalizing on this i'm starting to think they put the shoe bomber there wait did you did you get tsa pre did you do yeah yeah i signed up for it. Do you have it? Uh-huh. Do you have like a card or something? No, no, you just have a number that you put in when you sign up for flights.

Really? Yeah. Dope. Fuck, I gotta get that. What do I have to do? You have to go to an office and they scan your fingerprints and make sure you're not a known terrorist. And you're not? Well, I haven't found out yet.

So you haven't been approved for it yet? No. Well, it was attached to my credit score, so I was declined. They said that I opened up a computer account and never paid it off. No, I think you get it within three weeks. But I was approved. You were trying to get the Starwood Preferred

American Express? Yeah. Why are you trying to? Why bring that up? What does it matter? Just because I got approved for it yesterday. What? You got approved for a credit card that I didn't? That's right.

This is, this is the, I couldn't open a single credit card a year ago. Yeah. Remember that? We talked about that on a podcast before. You were not approved for anything. I had to get the,

the bare limit one from Bank of America. They literally had to give me because I had an account there. The kind they give to sixth graders to teach them about what credit cards are. The kind that I never got when I wasn't sixth grade, so I had to get it when I was 28. Learn from our mistakes, people. Yeah, this is the real advice. Yeah, put a fraud alert on your credits. Get TSA pre.

And get credit cards as early as possible. Build up that rating. There we go. It's going to help you in the long run. Yo, that actually reminds me of a little rap song I came up with. Yo. Build up that rating, baby. Alright, here it is. Okay.

Build up your rating. It's not that hard. You can get good credit if you get a card. Nice. It's not true. What? If you get a card or otherwise, you can have good rating. Build up that rating.

This is like a terrible commercial for Experian. Build up that rating. Let's see what else is on. All right. Last question. Moving on. Do you think people will like or dislike the music thing? Let us know.

Tweet at us. Please don't. I don't think we can handle the hate. If you like it. We just won't do it again all right just ask for feedback from people that liked it if you loved the music stuff please let us know and uh yeah that's it keep your hate to yourself we are way too fragile to hear that kind of feedback there we go uh Fourth question comes from... Pole. Pole?

Pole. Pole? Like they used a pole in their act or something? Pole. Pole. Pole. Pole McCopley. I hate you. I recently moved into an apartment with two guys and have a bit of a hairy situation on my hands. When it comes to body hair,

I am what you would call a grade A gorilla. While many males of the smoother variety may envy this fact, I regrettably despise my body hair and have spent the better part of my life going to great lengths to shave it off. When I was living with my parents, I would simply wait until they were out of the house, go bananas with my electric razor in the bathroom, and sweep it all up before they were any the wiser. This is where my problem begins. I hardly know any of my roommates, and as far as I could tell, they never leave the apartment. The electric razor is only meant to be used on dry skin, and so I can't simply do it while in the shower. Our bathroom doesn't even have a fan, so the sound of the razor would undoubtedly pierce through the entire apartment. How am I supposed to know

my manscape, how am I supposed to do my manscaping in peace when they obviously know the monkey business I'm up to? How would I ever face their merciless mocking if they were to find out? Should I admit defeat and let myself transform into the ape I was always destined to be? Also, don't

say that tons of ladies dig body hair because I know they don't. Cheers and toadah, Paul. It's funny, like, when you... He's insecure about his body hair, so it really, like... This is your whole world right now. Yeah.

You think everyone will ridicule you if you're hairy, and you think everyone will ridicule you if you shave your hair off. No one's gonna do either. Yeah, no one cares about you as much as you do. Right. The things you care about. Everyone's going to hate me.

No one's going to think about you. Everyone's going to love this. No one's going to think about you. That's not the way it works. What did you just do? I felt a tickling on my nipple area, so I checked to see if there was an ant there. You're sitting here in your underwear right now,

and you just, I was talking, you silently leaned back, lifted your shirt up above your nipple, and acted like it was normal. You just got done saying that nobody cares about you, nobody gives a shit about what you do. And then I just checked myself and you're ridiculing me. I care a lot about what you do.

Yeah, but that's not normal you're saying. That's not everyone though. Maybe one or two people are going to care about what you do. Maybe they're your roommates. Well, here's this question. If you can't shave in your house, where's the best place to shave? Is there a public shaving place you can do? Why don't you just go back and visit your parents' house sometime?

And do it at home. You do it at home? Or a hotel? That's insane. But it will solve his problem. That's a lot of money to book a hotel room. There's probably shitty hotels that you can get for like 50 bucks. Maybe. You could just always go to like a gas station bathroom and do it.

You don't care what anyone's thinking about you there. I'd rather go to do it in a hotel. Yeah, well, not everyone has Starwood Preferred Guest Credit Cards. Neither do I, dude. Thanks for bringing it up. I think you could lock the door, turn on the shower, turn on the sink, keep flushing the

toilet. They will not hear the razor over that. They'll just think you're taking multiple shits in a row. You could do it outside late at night. Yeah. You could also let it grow, see what's up. Or you could just try to get close to your roommates and be like, I got to go shave every part of my body. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

And then that's it. They might just think you're shaving your beard for a long time in there. They probably won't be like, what are you shaving? It's ambient noise. They won't even think's it. They might just think you're shaving your beard for a long time in there. They probably won't be like, what are you shaving? It's ambient noise. They won't even think about it. What about a friend's house? Is there a friend that you trust dearly? It doesn't matter is what I'm saying.

Do it at a hotel. Do it in your bathroom. Do it at your friend's house. Do it at your parent's house. Or don't do it. We don't care. It all depends, I guess. As long as you

Shave tonight Grab the guitar How does that note sound? There's a hair On your body And it itches Like me for you so get rid of it

one desire to make it go away it's not easy to shave tonight so what you do is go to hotels.com cause girl you know that hair's got to go and you wish it should be so so shave tonight Hairhotels.com, because, girl, you know that hair's got to go.

And you wish it should be so. So shave tonight. Cut your hair right off tomorrow. Tomorrow the hair will be gone. Shave tonight. Hair today gone tomorrow. And fight the break of hair cool so once again if you liked

the musical component of this episode please please please let us know and if you didn't tweet it at a celeb tweet it at the real Paul Dano only he will know how much you disliked it so you're saying you don't care.

I'm saying no one cares. Yeah, of course. I think you're a beautiful person. I think you can shave if you so choose. And I think you can tell everyone that that's what you like to do. And I think you could let your hair grow like the wolf ape man that you are if you choose to do that. And people will accept you because you're beautiful on the inside. Where do you do it? Where do I manscape?

Yeah. I don't really shave. I mean, I... Well, certainly you trim. I trim in the shower, or in the bathroom. In the bathroom or the bathtub? Are you talking about like my pubes? Yeah.

Oh, I trim my pubes with scissors over the toilet. Oh. Oh, God. Is that not normal? I think I'm going to be sick. Where do you do it? I do it at a gas station, like you said. With a pair of dull safety scissors.

I use an electric razor. The same one you use on your face? Yes. Okay. And I do it in the bathtub. I think both of our methods are hygienic and effective. Well, here's what I actually do. I go to a park late at night.

I get as many children as I can to gather around. Sort of an improvised bonfire of sorts. Oftentimes, I will dress as a birthday clown, and much to the parents' chagrin, mid-set I will drop trowel, pull out an electric razor, and shave in front of the kitties. What I do instead of shave is I grab a tuft of pubes. I wait until they grow, let's say, three to four inches off the base, and I sort of yank them off. Oh, God. That's our show. That's it.

Thanks so much for listening, everybody. This, once again, was If I Were You. If you have your own questions that you need advice on, we promise not to write songs about all of them, but we'll try to advise as best we can. That email address, again, is ifIwereyoushow at gmail.com. Also, we open and close every episode with an all-new theme song. The theme song at the beginning was handcrafted by Brett Fields, who did all of the music

and words and instruments with his mouth. And the one at the end of this episode, aka right now, was written by Amer. That's A-M-E-R from Sydney, Australia. Yeah, Amer. So thanks, guys. And we'll be back soon. Later. Later. If I were you

In a sticky situation I would bare my soul To Jay and Amir Will they put you on blast Or maybe they will tell you You'll do you I can't cease All this cheese

My whole expense I'm begging please. Preserve my anonymity, oh deep inside of me. Preserve my anonymity, oh deep inside of me. My name is Paul Shirley. And I am Justin Halpern. We do a podcast called Short Corner. Paul is gone this week, so we had guest host Amir Blumenfeld from Jake and Amir in College Humor and their podcast, Rich. If I Were You on PodcastOne.com.

So are you a big NBA fan? Nope, never heard of it. They just plopped me down on this chair and said, talk sports. I don't know. We'll see what happens. No, I am a big fan. It was magic. Do you think Paul should even come back, Rich?

Why bother? No, we miss Paul. We had him on the show, too. Find us at PodcastOne.com and let us make love to your ears. What's the $5 meal deal at McDonald's? Find us at podcastone.com and let us make love to your ears.