Segments - 84: Everybody Snoops (with Allison Williams)

Episode Date: June 19, 2014

"Girls" star Allison Williams joins us again to discuss jealousy, pornography, and why dogs are good. This episode is brought to you by LootCrate.com -- an epic monthly subscription box for geeks and gamers for under $20. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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See terms at picksix.draftkings.com slash right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Sweet. Now let's get down to the nitty gritty. Awesome episode for so many reasons, not least of which is the fact that Allison Williams, one of our favorite guests, is back. We also

recorded this one on video as promised, but I haven't quite edited that video yet, so please enjoy this audio version for now and we'll try to get the video up sometime next week. Enjoy! You do you. Wow, fun fact, that was actually written and created by Brett Fields, the guy that did last week's acapella theme song. No way, really?

Yeah. What a talented gentleman. It's really weird to not introduce the guest when it's acapella theme song. No way, really? Yeah. What a talented gentleman. It's really weird to not introduce the guest when it's a video. Oh, wait. Well, not necessarily to everybody, but this is a video right now. Allison Williams.

Hey. Hi. How are you? I'm great. I'm glad to be back. Yeah, this is exciting because Allison's here and we're also recording it. We're not going to put the video up right away.

It's a bait and switch. Yeah. Well, no, that's not what that means. It can be if it. We're not going to put the video up right away. It's a bait and switch. Yeah. Well, no, that's not what that means. It can be if it's what I want it to mean. Everything is what she wants it to mean. It's a classic bait and switch, actually. All right. Let's get down to it.

What is this show? This is If I Were You, the only math-based podcast on the Internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. And we're with Allison Williams today. Thank you for having me. Like we said earlier, we are video recording this. I'm going to put it on our YouTube channel

maybe in a couple days or a week after. So don't stop listening. Bait and switch, dude. Classic bait and switch. Classic. How does it work? We get emails from people in sticky situations and do our best to

offer our advice sometimes it's just oh yeah sometimes alice is with us how many times have you done the show i think this is my third i'm a three pete has anybody else done it streeter maybe streeter i'll kill him yeah we should do an episode just you and streeter oh shit that's cool fans would be really disappointed. I don't think so. I think they'll be disappointed, but only because they'll realize how disposable we are. No. So we need a bunch of fake names, because we're going to give these real emails. Wave to the camera.

I will just make sure you could see me. Yeah, that's true. It's important in those moments. I can always tell when the camera's off me, because I feel like a sense of emptiness come over me. When we were having lunch earlier today, you were just like, no camera's on me. And I was like, yeah, sure, I guess not. And you're like, I feel emptiness.

I feel empty. I love to be seen, heard, cited, seen, saw. You think people should value your opinion. Yeah, I like to be watched, appreciated. Even if I'm actually being hated, that's still fun because it's still attention. It's an emotion that you're eliciting from somebody. I don't know. I guess that makes me

unique. I guess that makes me fine. Fine and healthy. I guess that makes me normal, right? It definitely doesn't make you smarter. Can I see your multiplication sample again? I got 81.25 eventually. He's in the right line of work, Amir. So...

Names. Oh, yeah yeah, names. Names. Do we have any names? Should we do Disney princesses? Oh, that's a really good idea. Or Disney characters. I can supply all of them. Well, they may have some voice. What about Disney characters that are very obscure? Like, are you really into Disney? Will you be able to name characters? I'm really into

Disney. We'll see. Okay. So let's start with Disney. How about half obscure? Okay, yeah, yeah. Like more obscure than Jafar? I was going to do all villains. Were you going to do all villains? I was going to do Ursula. That was my first one out of the gate. That's not too obscure, though. She's on the bus. Or Flotsam and Jetsam? Yes, exactly.

Remember that's one I don't know. Those are her electric eels. Oh, what are they called? Flotsam and Jetsam. Okay, so which one is a boy? They both are. Of course. Actually, they're androgynous, so whatever you want. Alright? Flotsam and Jetsam Okay, so which one is a boy? They both are Of course Actually, they're androgynous, so whatever you want Alright Flotsam writes

Flotsam writes them Recently, I gave a ride home to a friend of mine Who happens to be of the opposite sex I have a minor romantic history with When she left my car, she accidentally forgot her phone I asked her if she wanted me to bring it to her, but she actually didn't want me to, and I said I could pick it up the next day. Now, being the fool that I am, this phone in my possession,

I decided to look through some things, against my better judgment. It started with just a few pictures, etc., but soon I found myself looking through a conversation with an ex of mine. Rookie move, I know. Quickly, I had gone too far. I had seen some really hurtful shit directed my way in these messages. It seems that the two of them had been making fun of me in various ways and misinterpreting basically all of my actions for a good while now.

The deeper I got, the more I realized they'd never kept anything a secret at all with me and told each other everything I'd ever said about either of them. A lot of it was pretty superficial and didn't really bother me too much, but here's the real kicker. secret at all with me and told each other everything I'd ever said about either of them. A lot of it was pretty superficial and didn't really bother me too much, but here's the real kicker. I read that they had both been embarrassed to be with me because of my relatively thin body type. I know the biggest mistake here was looking at the phone in the first place, and for that I already realize I am a first-rate dumbass, But my problem now is that I can't say anything to either of them because they'll know I crossed the privacy line. But I also really don't want to have anything to do with either of these assholes anymore.

What should I do? Come clean about what I did and give them both a metaphorical finger? Not say what I did, but still separate myself? Or simply do nothing at all and act like nothing happened thanks flotsam oh no my god that's the saddest thing what are the odds what are the odds of being like i'll just check their conversation and it's all about him for an egomaniac that's the worst case scenario the odds of reading someone's phone and seeing something negative is a hundred percent like if you knew everything everybody was always thinking, it would kill you.

Yeah. Like, what we present to each other is the happiest, nicest thoughts. Yeah. And what we hide from each other are nasty. Like, the shit I was talking to you about Jake earlier. Yeah. Well, if he read that. The nasty shit.

You said that to my face. You'd get arrested. Yeah. What? It would be illegal. What'd you say about me? Nothing. Don't worry about it. It was a lot about hijacking a plane. Yeah. What? It would be illegal. What'd you say about me? Nothing. Don't worry about it.

It was a lot about hijacking a plane, actually. What? Yeah. Jesus. Blueprints and shit. That would get you arrested. That might still get you arrested. Yeah.

In fact, I think I'm under arrest right now. You're saying it into a microphone and on video. I'm placing you under a citizen's arrest. You're on two forms of the record. Calling security. Yeah. I think it's such a dangerous game to know what people are thinking about you behind your back right um but this especially an ex like of course

you never want to see what your ex has to say so i want to make sure i understand this he is a it's a boy yep he was in a car with a girl who his his current slash past romantic interest, who's close enough to text regularly with another one of his exes. That's right. My first piece of advice is to leave that dating pool. Oh, so you're saying once you get out of that pool. Yeah, that's too many already.

So is that a general dating advice is don't date anyone in the same sphere as a past girlfriend. That's unavoidable. And everyone I know has broken that rule too much. So I'd say like once it's three, just stop. Once three people have dated the same person.

Critical mass. Yeah. Right. There's too much information out there. Interesting. Dated or, so like, if I date one girl,

I can date one or two of her friends but not three? I don't know. It kind of depends if you're doing it with your pure heart. If you're just trying to like, just go like fucking someone to fucking to someone to fuck someone like they get everybody sees that and you probably won't be even you won't be able to do it but then if you're like actually and weirdly that kind of works sometimes oh yeah no i know because

girls are like i'll tame them oh so dumb that's how I get laid all the time. It's the only way I have sex. It's crazy. What? What is it? Just, you know, being an asshole, being a slut, being like a little piece of shit. Girls are like, oh yeah, Jake's a piece of shit, but like I can fix it. Oh, so girls like guys that have slept with a lot of girls? I don't think it always works.

And sometimes you can just be an actual skeezball. I don't know. I guess, well, here's the thing. Girls that do sleep with guys like guys that sleep with girls like you're not going to get everyone but you can get the girls that would sleep with you you don't care about the girls that won't sleep with you i want to fuck them too right he wants all the girls just everywhere he wants all of the ones that they're girls everyone but the ones that sleep with you are the ones that are turned on by the fact that you slept with a lot of people or that don't know that he slept

with a lot of people or that i hide that from oh so you can hide it from some people but make it known to other people yeah so you you selectively dismiss or uh amplify information exactly if it'll help you out well sometimes you don't need to if i'm like talking to someone and they're like you probably hook up with a lot of people. I would just be like, I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know. Yeah, you play cool. Yeah, you like being cool. What was that?

That's me blowing kisses across the room. During an intimate conversation? Yeah. So like, I don't know. That works. I've never done this on the podcast, but I'll divulge some of my flirting techniques. Holy shit. Jake's flirting techniques.

He will divulge some of my flirting techniques. Holy shit. Jake's flirting techniques. Jake will divulge some of his flirting techniques. So, like, talk to me like we're meeting at a bar for the first time. Hey. Oh, my God. You just be cringe. So, right. Wait a second. Your kiss hit me in the eye.

It was too close range. Pointing blank, blown kiss. You're not even blowing it. You're just kissing your finger it looks like you hurt your mouth yeah are you in bad breath it works okay cool cool cool i'm really glad this is a video podcast now we're doing a lot of visual sight gags i've done three pratfalls it's good um you ran up the wall like in singing in the rain it was incredible i okay so for this kid yeah it's tough because you

can't and this is a very modern thing but everyone snoops for the most part as i understand i am not a snooper but i've been snooped on and you know everyone inevitably finds what they're looking for which is the biggest bummer right like always they find what they're looking for or they look until they find something incriminating but then you have to figure out is the crime you've found on their phone bad enough that it'll override the breach of privacy well this is that donald sterling shit yes well this guy should look through his phone and see what he texted about his ex and if it was ever anything negative well this email is in his outbox yes that's true that's one right there but like this is one of those things where it's like oh we found evidence but you did it in an illegal way so you can't present it to the court right he

can't be like uh i learned what you did about me uh like yeah but you snooped through my phone right it's worse than that so he if he doesn't want to hang out with them he can just sort of leave them be also i mean he has a thin body type so why does it even really matter what's the point why are we talking about why are we trying to help him he's felt and in good shape he's like what a piece of paper he turns sideways and disappears each other i don't know i'm embarrassed to be seen with him because he's so thin he's a paper doll how thin is he how thin are you send a picture of what i was holding his hand and he just a gentle breeze sort of flung him up towards the sky like a paper airplane. Actually, you did a lot of your math on his back.

He's a Flat Stanley. Yeah, that's him. His name is Flat Stanley. His name is Flotsam. What is the advice here? Well, he gave us multiple choice. I'll need to rehear those answers. I don't like multiple choice one bit.

Yeah, it's never what he says. Come clean about what I did and give them both a metaphorical finger. That's what I said. That's just for your own satisfaction. I would say don't do that. I think you should do it. Not say what I did,

but still separate myself. Does he mean to finger them? Yes. What? But with his middle finger. With a metaphor. I definitely want him to do it. Wait, what's the second one?

Sorry. Come clean and give them the his middle finger. With a metaphor. Definitely want him to do it. Wait, what's the second one? Sorry. Come clean and give him the metaphorical finger. Not say what I did, but still separate myself. Or simply do nothing at all and act like nothing happened. I would take this as an opportunity to be cooler. And to be like, just to correct any of the things. You said that a lot of what you've said has been misinterpreted. If it's been misinterpreted by two different people,

that's a pattern. So maybe take this as a chance to try to fix some of your social stuff. It's a look in the mirror. Yeah. I don't know. This is a gift. But if you can never,

if he doesn't want to hang out with those people, like if I found out you said really, really mean shit about me. I don't know. We're in a business relationship too you just went somewhere else you you were so real for a second we're in a business relationship we have a fucking business yeah well i just mean like if you said i think if you said really hateful shit about me i wouldn't just be like fuck you dude i'm never gonna talk to you

again yeah like hey let's find out where that came from yeah through it we have i wonder we're trying to get each other rich i wonder if yeah i wonder if i care about because it it adversely affects your future financially financially but i wonder if there's a text message conversation that could possibly exist on my phone that you would read it and be so angry and hurt that you would quit everything i think well i don't i i don't know so for example this is something i texted my daddy the other day okay hi daddy i love you how does that make you feel i'm so glad we have a better relationship than jake has with his daddy i have a better relationship with jake's dad than jake does with his father i feel like i do too and i've never met him yeah no damage has been done i'm sort of like the son your dad never had he

does he definitely never had you it was in nantucket where he was like where where's the mirror jake more people are recognizing a mirror those Those are two separate thoughts, but yeah. You said both of those things. Yeah, at the same time. It was amazing. And tuck it, huh? Yeah. Must be nice. We don't all get to have houses in New Jersey.

Well, yeah. That's right. It's fancy. The greatest state of all. It is. I love it. So do we. Wait.

Oh, yeah. We love every state. Because you tour in most states yes yeah we also love the big market so uh everything you do is lots of laughs in new jersey financial decision i care so much about money we also love australia and uh england melbourne here we come let's do it yeah one time one time brisbane and you're listening wait a second did we give him advice i guess i think you should just be like, fuck it. Not advice, but what would you do if you were him?

If I were him? Bringing it back to the title of the show. He can't even look these people in the face. He's that upset. Yeah. I think he. Are you extrapolating that or does he say that? I think he, like he's saying, I want to, I want to.

His first two choices are telling them to fuck themselves and then, or just like silently vanishing, which sounds like the saddest thing in the world. I don't want him to do that one. Where did Finn Stanley go? I don't know. I think he just. I left my phone with him one day and then the next he left for. Wait, why didn't you want her phone back? That's what's so weird.

She wanted him to find out. She wanted him. It was planted. I really think if, if he's this, I don't know. He walked into a hurricane, jumped up and we never saw him again. He's so upset. wanted him to she wanted him it was planted i really think if if he's this i don't know he walked into a hurricane jumped up and we never saw him again he's so upset i think he should be like i saw everything you guys said about me that's right i went like you went through my phone oh that's so you're goddamn right i did or should i say you goddamn right i thin that's right i read

the part about my waifish frame and frankly i didn't appreciate it and you you you also said stuff stuff about that your voice is so faint because your neck is so tiny your lungs are just just bumps where his organs are i can see his little heart beating My paper heart is broken for you. This is now a Taylor Swift song. My paper heart is broken for you. Give me a pen. No. No.

I have to do my math. How does my, wait, does she say my paper heart? No. Is that not a thing? No.

My paper heart? Uh-oh. My paper heart, that's a pretty, you know how to sing, right? No matter how many times you say it. You know how to sing,

don't you? Would you please? My paper heart is broken for you. What's happening? I want you to sing, don't you? Would you please? My paper heart is broken for you. What's happening? I want you to sing. Is he okay? I can sing in private in our free time.

All right, fine. Math and singing. My paper heart is broken, torn. Oh, that's because it's paper. All right, so it'd be like, my paper heart is torn for you.'s good that's really good it's perfect my paper heart is torn find me up here can you find me up here my paper heart i don't even like i can't even sing a single note if i just sing and if i was like uh is that can you tell me that's bad

i know you're singing a note it's definitely a note we just don't know which one so everything's a note everything's a note yeah do that uh bad singer no really you can't tell unless he's like trying to emulate a song no if you sing say well or by saying like a second note that didn't go with that one you'd have to sing something I know otherwise you're just writing a song that I don't know what's your favorite song are these real questions

are you guys new to the world how does music work what's your favorite so when I sing things is it good what's your favorite song and I'll sing it right now my favorite song is

happy birthday no I'm kidding it's not but I want you to sing it no I can't sing happy birthday give me anything else it's the hardest song to sing it really is

sing um a whole new world okay start low just trust me oh that's good No, I can't sing Happy Birthday. Give me anything else. It's the hardest song to sing. It really is. Sing A Whole New World. Okay. Start low. Just trust me. Oh, that's good. I have another music question for you. Not that low.

Very low. All right, Jasmine, this one's for you. Oh, Jesus. I can show you the world. You started too low. I can show you the world. Shining, shimmering, splendid. Oh, fuck.

That's pretty good. You're hitting all the right notes. You're not tone deaf. Shining, shimmering. Can I do it now and then you say if it's better or worse and then how you would quantify it? Sure. Okay, I'll go. I can show you the world.

Shining, shimmering, splendid It's not perfect It's not soulful You're like a machine You pronounce every consonant You're like a machine You are a machine Yours was soulful And a little more wrong

But sometimes that's allowed. But what makes it wrong? That's okay. Why was mine? Bob Dylan doesn't have a perfect voice. Bob Dylan has a terrible voice, but he's a genius. Yeah, so it's kind of cool. Like, that's me.

I'm Bob Dylan, and you're like... You just compared yourself to Bob Dylan. You know that, right? I didn't compare myself. I really think I am him. Okay. Different issue entirely. Never mind.

I think I'm King Dylan for that. Okay. So you could say like one person's worst because he didn't hit the exact notes? Yes. In that case there are correct notes because it's a song. Because it's a song. Let me do it again. Yeah, keep trying.

We have to move on to the next question, don't we? Shining shimmer now tell me princess when did you last let your heart okay now he's bad but it's only because you didn't know

what was coming you were surprised by the own the words coming out of your own mouth right there's a tempo to it yes

yeah so in addition to that what are you talking I can do that so like when you're like show me princess now when did you last let your heart decide

that wasn't not how I sounded That's not fair I don't know the song Alright I'll do a song that I know It was Philadelphia Born and raised In the playground Is where I spent most of my days

How? I can't sing it wrong It's a rap Most of my days Let's go to the next question 8 Mile You're up before Eminem at the open mic. It's like a fantastic.

Yeah, all right. Good luck, Marshall. Good luck, Mr. Mathers. You're going to need it. There's some spaghetti on your sweater already. Yours is just funfetti cake. There's funfetti on my sweater already. Mom's funfetti.

All right. Oh, this one comes from a lady oh let's do um nala that's good pretty good that's the hot lion from she is hot and yes she does she's gorgeous hot we're supposed to want to fuck these creatures is that the end game here? No. Obviously. What? They're lions. But she is the lion princess. But if you fucked Rafiki, I wouldn't be mad at that. But it's a cartoon. So you can be turned on by the lions, the witches. I mean, you're a fan of hentai, so you're better able to explain this. I used to be into cartoon porn.

Really? I would Google Disney princess porn, yeah. Of course. No, you'd do that to them? Oh, they're so precious to you i don't want you to think about zooming on her face right now you would do that to them i don't want you to think about elsa getting like boned oh god to be fair he didn't animate them he just jerked off to it that's worse

the animators get bored they can do what they have to do. That's fair. You have free reign of the entire internet. I know. And I found me some aerial porn and it was hot. Yeah. She was up to her gills in. No, it was when she was a woman. Well, what's the point?

Then she's just a saucy redhead with dad issues. Oh, God. My favorite. Oh, God. I'm sorry. A saucy redhead with daddy issues. All right. Nala. Oh, God. I'm sorry. A saucy redhead with daddy issues. All right. Nala.

Nala writes, Dearest Jake and Amir, I recently come across a conundrum, and I would love your advice. What's the accent? What is this? Oh, she's sort of like a seductive, like, I write to you from,

oh, gosh, I think of you always. Fondly, Nala. You really want to fuck lions you want to fuck nala it's clear to me are you describing nala or the person who's writing whatever it's all the same all right so i just finished my freshman year of college and i'm currently taking summer classes at a local school there's a guy in my class that i've i've become pretty good friends with we frequently study together late at night, and he lives close to me. Through my creeping, I've discovered that he has a girlfriend, and I think they've been dating for a pretty long time. But the weird part is he's never said anything about her at all, and he

doesn't know that I know about her. He asked me if I wanted to come to his family's vacation home with him for the weekend. Would it be bad if I said yes? I do like him, and he doesn't realize that I know about his girlfriend. I don't know if he wants to cheat on her or if I'm being friend-zoned or what. What would you guys do in my situation? Hope to hear from you soon. Love, Nala. Interesting.

Very interesting. Very weird. Did you reveal in that? I got distracted a lot in the beginning by your voice of course some stuff um did she reveal i just was turned on and then i had to suppress it yeah yeah yeah did she reveal how she found out about this supposed uh she said through stalking so maybe Facebook. Or Instagram. There's only three ways to stalk,

and it's Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. That's not totally true. Or just in person and in real life. Binoculars. Yeah. Or binoculars.com, the app that sort of seeks out Instagram, Twitter. Yeah, to one stalkerish feed. I think, well, do you remember

when you and your mate broke up? Yeah. And you were just getting back into the dating scene, but like if anybody added you on Facebook, your last like three years of pictures were all with this person. Oh, so you want to give this guy a benefit of the doubt. Oh, maybe he's not a girlfriend. It's a possibility. I think this girl should point blank ask him because it sounds like, you it's it's a little ambiguous she should be

like do you have a girlfriend and then that way what what's the answer other than no yes well but here's what i mean he's not gonna say yes he's got a good thing going with this girl he's never mentioned the girlfriend before but i think asking never came up but they both secretly know about it they don't want it to come up but i think it's got to come up because that way he could be like yes i do but i don't know we're on the rocks and i like you and like i don't know if you like me and then she's like i'll do i do and then he's like i'm gonna break up with my girlfriend so you think she should bring it up i think she's gonna air it out i think like it's gonna set the course of the future if you guys have like it's a it's a talk about it's something innocuous it's just about his girlfriend or whatever. But it's an easy way of easing in to what is this relationship.

But is it her responsibility to dig deep and know about the girlfriend? No, it's his responsibility. If he has a girlfriend, he has to tell her. But now that she sort of thinks about it, is there a reason? He's not going to tell her. He's getting the best of both worlds. He's living like a king. But isn't she also? Because she gets to be with him. If she brings it up, maybe he'll be like, yeah, I do have a girlfriend. I'm going to tell her. He's getting the best of both worlds. He's living like a king. But isn't she also?

Because she gets to be with him. If she brings it up, maybe he'll be like, yeah, I do have a girlfriend. I'm going to lose her. Then she's been with a guy who has another girlfriend. So get out of that. Is that just as bad as the boy cheating? No, it's worse for him. If you know that a guy has a girlfriend and you sleep with him,

is that just as bad as the guy that has another girlfriend? Of course not. No, but by hair although it hasn't been confirmed that she is oh i'm just talking about hypothetical so like i've always thought a boyfriend is a zero sleeping with someone who and you do have a girlfriend that's a hundred out of on a bad scale yeah what would you say oh if i slept with a girl that had a boyfriend where would you put that it's 50 oh exactly in the middle yeah so it's like half as bad because it's stop doing math dude i'm fucking 81.25 oh my god holy shit this is a dan brown this episode's called 81.25 right actually it is episode 80 like three or four so we're very close it's cool episode 84 81.25 uh would you say it's also half as bad or not bad at all or pretty bad?

I think it's pretty bad. But I also think that like you sort of have a responsibility to yourself in that situation. Like will I feel bad doing this? I'm like potentially causing damage to a relationship, hurting somebody. But then that guy theoretically has somebody that he loves that he's responsible for and you're i think you're he's hurting three times as many people and she's hurting he's hurting two people oh no you're trying to do that oh god she's hurting two people he's hurting not including uh character one oh fuck but isn't that what it goes down to? That dude is, if he cheats, he hurts his girlfriend, and he hurts this girl.

If she cheats, she only hurts this girl, who she doesn't actually know. Oh, so he's hurting twice as many people. Yes. He's also fucking twice as many people. He's a pimp. That goes beyond all doubt. The dude's a fucking hardcore pimp. I'll pound it.

If you mean it, though. You've got to mean it. We know he doesn't. Is this a sarcastic pound? Like I said something kind of douchey and you're going to pound me? And it's like a wink to Allison. Like, hey, you saw that? Jake thought I agreed with him.

Like, I'll look through your phones later and you'll be, hey, I'll take it. I'll still take the pound. We reminisce a lot. That's how our relationship is. Shake so thin. That's the worst part of all. I'm embarrassed to be associated with a flimsy frame. She's like, how did you unlock my phone?

It knew there was a finger dragging across the screen. It's like a tiny little nail. It's a king of screen. Should she go on vacation yeah whoa whoa i mean i would want to go i'm just a curious person so i would want to ask all of the questions on vacation oh you say go on vacation and then bring up the girlfriend like by the way it comes up on friday evening and then saturday and sunday, um, that was. See what the vibe is like on the vacation. At dinner.

You don't want to be asking that like, but you don't, she doesn't want to get herself into a situation where they're like on a walk around the lake and he leans in to kiss her and then she has to be like, wait, do you have a girlfriend? I need, now I need to know. She should find out now. You're right. She should find out before. And then she could plan accordingly.

If it's like, I do have a girlfriend, but I just like really like spend the time with you. I think you're cool. And then she's in a friend zone or whatever. Then she can plan for this trip as a friend. She can bring like a more comfortable baby suit. One if I land, two if I

bikini. I almost fell backwards. Continue. You were cool about it, though. Very chill And I just think That she should find out now So she can She can buy high-waisted pants

A one-piece bathing suit It seems like It's stressing her out So this is At the very least It'll de-stress her Exactly It's a de-stressing

It's a de-stressing And that's that There we go How are we doing on time? Probably long When do you have to get out of here? do you have to get out of here do you have to get out of here i don't really i mean no another question another question another question oh this is the one you wanted to read jake oh right just because it's just because it's long and i practiced

it okay just for that reason uh this one's from a british person it's from a british person is there a british disneyman of course great Is Prince Charming the actual name of the prince in Cinderella? I thought it was... Yeah, you're right. It is. Is it? Yeah. Is the name Prince Charming?

I think so. Charming is an actual last name, I think. Is it? Yeah. Well, Darling is the name in Peter Pan. Right? Yeah, Darling is... Well, I don't know if that's real or if it's just really from Peter Pan.

No, I don't know. And Charming is really from Cinderella. Yeah. All right. So you want to say Prince Charming? Okay. Prince Charming can be British. I'm trying to think of a more British. Wait.

Gaston kind of speaks in an English accent. Isn't he French? They're all French, but they use weird accents. Oh, Lumiere. Lumiere. He's French. Cogsworth is... Cogsworth. Cogsworth.

Perfect. Cogsworth is definitely British. No, is he? God damn it. This is really stressful. Allison typing into her phone, is Cogsworth British? Help.

It's the 19th time she's looked it up in the last year. I just can't remember. It just says for the last time, yes. Just use Cogsworth because it's such a good name yeah you're right this one comes to us from cogsworth this is a long one buckle up

i am an 18 year old male in london i'd like to be called cogsworth if that's cool anyway about three and a half years ago my friend got a a girlfriend. Let's call him Richard, not his real name. Feel free to shorten it to Dick. I messaged this girl once, and we really hit it off and talked all night. I fell for her. Totally practice this. Do you practice this? I fell for her, and she fell for me.

This much was obvious. We both really liked each other, but obviously, this guy being a friend I'd known since I was three years old, I knew I couldn't do this. So she said she'd leave him for me. I felt horrible for doing this, but they hadn't been together

for that long, so I thought it might be okay. I really felt bad, and at this point, I understand I seem like the bad guy. The first bump came when she didn't dump him, and that hurt,

but me and her got together and didn't tell my friend. We were so happy together, and eventually the love stage happened and really loved each other. Bless me. We did everything together, and I thought I'd found my one. And to a degree, I still feel this. So two and a half years went by, and we were getting on so well, but I didn't tell my best friend. One night I called him and told him when I was drunk. I should have told him before, but I didn't tell my best friend. One night I called him and told him when I was drunk.

I should have told him before, but I didn't. I know I heard him, but I thought nothing of it. Skip to about half a year later, I'm sitting in the basement with my other friend, let's call him Bill S. Preston Esquire, and he tells me that Dick has had sex with my girlfriend. My head spins.

But I sit my girlfriend down And it turns out it's true This fucking snake Slept with my girlfriend She broke my heart And it honestly hurt so much I don't want to sound like a pussy But it did

She had sworn she wouldn't cheat on me But she did Now she calls me every night Crying Telling me she wants me back She has sworn she wouldn't cheat on me, but she did. Now she calls me every night, crying, telling me she wants me back. I want to take her back because I still love her. She is special, the kind of girl you look for your whole life. This situation is convoluted and complex, but I want to know. Would I be a complete pussy to take her back?

Would I ever be able to trust her again? Oh my god. Is she still dating the first guy? I tried to decipher this message for a long time. This is like, gone girl. It's like, I stole your girlfriend, and then I got mad when I realized she slept with you, and I called you a snake

for sleeping with your girlfriend that I tried to steal. So I'm sitting in the basement. My head spins. He paints such a picture. What I don't understand is like he did, they did everything together? For two and a half years?

Where was her boyfriend? She's probably fucking her, that snake oil salesman. So it's her friend's girlfriend that he did everything with for two and a half years. I thought they were broken up. Were they not? They were still together.

He said the first bump came when they didn't break up. The first bump, that's the only bump. They didn't break up. That's not a bump, that's like Mount Everest. How do you ever clear that?

He just went right on dating her. Also, he's 18, so what? This all started when they were 15 years old? Maybe that's like what it is. It's like the high school thing where it's like, oh, we're together, but we're also together. The love phase, too.

Yeah, the love stage. The love stage happened. I assure you. That happened. She spent her whole life looking for her. So I guess from when he was, I don't know. He still thinks she's the one? He still thinks she's the one.

All right, let's save you some time. She's not the one. Boom. She's broken. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. She's been soil Oh, shit. Oh, my God. She's been soiled, stained by your snake friend. I know, I know, I know.

She's broken deeper than that. Yes. What's deeper than that? She's dealing with some self-esteem issues and she's lost. This happened to me in high school. There was a girl that me and my friend both were with and it was wow what do you mean both at the same time well she actually i don't know if i should talk about this things got real real too real um it does anybody not have self-esteem issues in high

school who's like in high school being like you know i'm confident with who i am i'm 15 and i get my place in life i'm just totally well adjusted as a middle-aged man who's also 15 i'm well traveled educated learned and i feel comfortable in my own body and my own skin i like all my friends i get all the girls i want all my friends are great my skin isn't greasy i'm not tall in some areas and short in others. I'm not way for thin. You're doing it too. I don't know. Well, what I mean is that she's using these boys to fill an emptiness that can't be filled by anyone. She likes being chased by these two guys.

She likes people fighting over her. Yeah. But she's not thinking about them as human beings, which is so disrespectful because if she were, she wouldn't be treating them this way. Well, she was 15 at the time. You don't know how to. No, she's 18 and a half.

But then she laughs because I still do it. So it's good to break this behavior early. Yeah. But would you say you act like a 15 year old when you do it?

Yes. Yeah. So that is the adequate age that it does happen. I think I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. Have you ever been in that situation before adequate age that it does happen. I think I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. Have you ever been in that situation before?

Two dudes? Two friends? Pining after you? Yeah, I've been dating two friends. Not simultaneously. Yeah. But when you're in college and stuff, people know each other. Right.

Does it make you feel good when guys are jealous about you? When they're like, oh, I like Allison. I don't want you to like Allison. I'm not usually privy to that information. But you can tell as a girl, can't you? I mean, not always. No, I, I like Allison. I don't want you to like Allison. I'm not usually privy to that information. But you can tell. That's a girl, can't you? I mean, not always. No, I don't think so.

It turns me on when somebody's jealous of someone else that's talking to me. I used to think I wanted boyfriends that were always jealous would come over and be like, hey, stop talking to my girl. I just thought I liked that. And it turns out I really don't. That's disgusting. I wouldn't like that possessive jealousy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's disgusting. I don't like, I wouldn't like that like possessive jealousy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I like, What do you like? I would like if somebody was just like, Just like in general, what do you like? What are you into? I can show you the world. Shining, shimmering, splendid.

Tell me princess, now when Did you last let your Heart decide I can Open your eyes Cutting her off Not right now

Take you one By one Oh my god I'm in love with you I'm taking my Engagement ring just You're right, it works. My engagement ring just flew off my finger. I'm a bit so foolish. It has that effect. I blow a kiss and the wind blows engagement rings away. It's shining, shimmering, and splendid.

The kiss is your Joey, how you doing? Yeah. How you doing? Joey loves sandwiches. He is always eating. He cared almost about food as much as he did about ladies. Yeah. Maybe even more.

It's funny because he was a womanizer on that show, but he never seemed like skeezy. And he wasn't necessarily even more attractive than Chandler or Ross. He was definitely more attractive than Chandler. Was he? Depends on what season. Chandler fluctuated like cray. Yeah. Ross was real steady.

Ross was very handsome at the end. He's still rock steady. David Schwimmer? Killing it. Come on. I'm serious, dude. You can get it. That's what you like?

David Schwimmer's as hot as Nala to me. I swear he's got a Schwimmer's bod. What are we telling this kid to do? To not... We were asking you what kind of jealousy you like oh i'm curious to hear i would like i wouldn't like somebody like grabbing like i had a girlfriend once that was like um you better not follow anyone you've ever had sex with on instagram and i was like that no i don't i didn't like that that was like too um that's a rule it was like in your face but i liked i would like if somebody came's a rule. It was like in your face jealousy. But I liked... I would like if somebody came up to me and they're like,

oh, I saw you talking to that girl and made me jealous. Like that kind of thing. Oh, really? Just like a little, a cute thing. Like it made me jealous. Not like I'm jealous, don't talk to that girl. But just like I felt jealous when you were talking to that person. Because everybody feels...

Do you never ever feel jealous? You're probably really pragmatic about it. Yeah. I'm like, oh, what are the... I'm like, in my brain, it's like, oh, you can talk to my girlfriend because odds are she's not going to like want to be with you. She's with me. And if she does want to be with you, then you get her and I don't.

How about dating an actress who has simulated sex with people? That I never had to deal with. For their job. Yeah. I wouldn't like that at all. You wouldn't? No. Well, especially because like. I wouldn't like that at all. You wouldn't? No, well, especially because, like, you know when this industry...

You wouldn't love that? Like, people end up... People who play love interests on shows and movies, like, often end up dating each other. Right. Not long-term. It doesn't... It rarely lasts.

Of course, but, like, just the fact that it does happen. Like, if I was dating an actor and she was doing a scene where she had to... Or a movie where she had to be in love with some dude and they were going to live in a tropical location to shoot for three months. This is really specific.

I would be like, this sucks because you're probably going to break up with him. Well, not necessarily. Right. Like a set crush or something? I don't know. I mean, I've never done the movie version of it, but on our show, it's not an issue

because we all knew each other so well beforehand. TV might be, I think I would, yeah, if I was dating an actress on a TV show, I'd feel slightly more comfortable. Yeah, because you'd be fucking dating a TV star. Hell yeah. The new movie star. That's what's up.

I've read that, actually. I've read that. Yeah, like TV is like the new movies. In a magazine or a newspaper? Well, it wasn't in a magazine or newspaper well it wasn't anything it was really on point lately yeah like do you orange is the new black like google is running shit that's what i say or did you hear that house of lords oh yeah it's so it's so bad it's bountiful um what was i just gonna say oh it oh so it's different I feel like on movies

you're isolated you're in like one location together for a sustained amount of time yeah movies are like a camp like we just did a two day shoot and that was just two days but like

everyone was friendly two twelve hour days yeah you fell in love with multiple people for like everybody that we were working with imagine doing that

for a month and a half like you just that's your family and a half. Like you just, that's your family. And then you get very close and bonded and connected. Right. And you also feel disconnected from whoever's back home waiting for you because they're not having those same experiences. Well,

that's it. There's a certain amount of discipline involved and this isn't any situation. Even if you have a really immersive like work environment or if you go off to college or something like that, you have to make an effort to include the people that aren't immediately there in that experience if they care about it and to be invested in their own experience when you go on a movie like that what you're supposed to do is go home every weekend be in touch with your significant other or your family like keep

one foot out and one foot in right interesting because you lose perspective otherwise what what's a more general like it not in movies perspective otherwise what what's a more general like it not in movies or tv like what's a your whole audience isn't in movies and tv yeah yeah i tried i was like when you're in college yeah some of them are like only in college oh yeah okay but though in college you wouldn't necessarily want to be like coming home okay but this is a good example if you're in a play like a high school play i used to like weep when the plays were over because i wouldn't have they were my family and like i hadn't talked to anyone not in the play for months or whatever even though you still just go to school go to school and i'm like you're dead to me history we used to do reunions

for plays at school where everyone went to that yes where everyone was around each other anyway but it's like a family. I totally relate to it. It's just you have to continue living your life with as much investment. This was our break, I guess. Oh, yeah. You're really good at this. You know, you get the ebbs and flows, the cadence and the rhythm of the podcast. It is time for the break.

Do we have anything to talk about specifically? Let's just chill. Do you have anything that's happened since the last time you were on the show? What's Gucci? Yeah. I've been meaning to ask. Like, what's Gucci with you?

What's Gucci with me? Yeah, what's Gucci? Wait. What? I don't like this thing. I just comment. Whoa, never seen that thing. I just vomit. Whoa. My eyes start bleeding.

You don't have to say anything you're not comfortable with. I won't. Thank you, though. I got engaged. That's a thing. That's boring. What else? No, that's so Gucci. Did you buy a car?

It is Gucci. That's dope. That's cool. Are you excited? That happened. You said yes, right? Yeah, I said's dope that's cool um are you excited that happened you said yes right yeah yeah i said yes that's cool i have you said yes to the dress yet though let's talk about it i haven't even oh my started that let me see the rock let me see that rock i can't okay i don't

speak that language um talking about getting a dog this weekend i want to talk about that i talk about getting a dog every weekend it's the sad dog. Can we talk about that? I talk about getting a dog every weekend. It's the sad truth. I want a dog so badly. It's so funny because that would be one of the worst things that would have ever happened to me. If somebody gave me a dog, my life would be over. What? Yeah.

That would be one of the worst days of my life. Literally. I'd be like, here you go. I've never understood anything less. I consider myself a pretty empathic person. This is what a dog is to me. Someone's like, oh, here you go. Here's responsibility for 15 years you have

to be at home every 12 hours forever unconditional love yeah yeah every six every six hours you have to feed it or it'll die but you know what at the very least a dog back you can touch it by the scruff of its neck this is stop this is the pros of having a dog. I'm doing it right now. No, you're not. You get to touch something soft. Okay, that's the pros. You don't get it. And then the cons are feeding, nurturing, picking up its shit, piss, being at home. What's a con about nurturing? A nurturing?

There's a con. Oh, I don't want to nurture anything. It's a time and money expense. You're a douchebag. It's a time and money expense. Fuck you, man. I nurture you all the time. And I ate it.

He breastfeed you. I do. God damn it. You have to be at home every 12 hours until the dog dies. Or she pays somebody to be there. Or you have to pay somebody to be there. Or I have it with me. Or her fiance can walk the dog.

Whoever that is. You bought a thing that a human needs to be with every 12 hours until it dies. He says I'm paying for it. Boom, baby. You can do that? Sort of. So unlikely. I can do it too. How many lips'm paying for it. Boom, baby. You can do that? Sort of. So unlikely. I can do it too.

How many lips have you packed in your life? One, two, three. Do it. You hear it, buddy? No. I just saw your armpit for like 10 seconds.

This is the new singing. So what's good about a dog? It's unconditional love. Okay. And it teaches you, yeah, it teaches you responsibility. And also, it teaches you how to read something that can't talk to you. So it's like a homework. So it's like a homework.

It's not good while it's happening, but when it's dead, you're like, oh, at least I survived the responsibility test. When you do someday propose to someone. Uh-huh. Yeah, I know this is not the place for advice. Yeah, yeah. When you do propose to someone, do-huh. Yeah, it's not, I know this is not the place for advice. Yeah, yeah. When you do propose to someone,

do not say any of the things you just said. Well, this is the kind of things that I can say. Having something I need to feed

and care for would be the worst thing of my life. until it dies. One of my favorite things about being single is being able to speak my mind

unfiltered because I wouldn't say any of that stuff if I were in a relationship. I would seem like a monster. I mean, ideally, you'd find someone who loves you for saying those things.

That's the perfect world. And who shares those opinions or at least finds yours whimsical and doesn't take them seriously. I love you for all of that. Yeah. So good luck finding somebody who's going to love you more than me. Sorry, dude. We're out of luck.

You're maxed out. You found him. We found our soulmates and they're each other. We'll be alone forever. And I'm going gonna get a dog oh god so why haven't you gotten a dog yet

if you want it so badly it doesn't work with a guy um it doesn't um why haven't I gotten a dog yeah

cause you won't let me cause our landlord told me that I couldn't get a pet uh huh any kind of pet even like a hermit crab you can't have a told me that I couldn't get a pet. Any kind of pet?

Even like a hermit crab? You can't have a hermit crab. We had a dog. You can't have a hermit crab. I was thinking about getting a cat recently. Oh, that's a bad idea. I don't necessarily want a cat. I just want an animal. You know what?

Cats won't give you what you want. I know. Why not? That sounds so weird. Because they're easier to maintain. They're just too independent. Yeah, they don't need the love. I want something that wants affection.

Because I want to give affection and I want affection. A cat is sort of like, I'll... Cats are kind of like, whatever. Yeah. I don't need it. They really are. They make you work for it. That was a perfect impression of a cat.

That was her being a cat and it's true. That was my craft at work for you. That was unfiltered cat. Yeah. Human cat. That. Human cat. That is their vibe. I don't know. I don't know what else.

What else do I have to report? We're shooting season four. Spoiler. There's more of the show. A production spoiler. We're making more. Yeah. Call time on Monday is...

You heard it here first. I'm not going to tell you. Don't be see the sheet? Come on. No, no, no, no. How is this season compared to other seasons, shooting-wise? It's good. It's all...

It's pretty much the same. It's weird to have a routine pretty much at this point. Yeah. It's every summer. So this is it. This is your life now. Forever. Are you going to make this show for as long as...

We're alive. Yeah? Mm-hmm. That's cool. Everyone promised each other? Yeah, everyone promised each other. We'll go from girls to women to old women to whatever's happening. Oh, that'd be really cool if one day they decided to change the name of the show to

Women. Wow. That's a cool idea. Or do we ever become women? I don't know. You should talk to Lana about that. Lana. Interesting.

If there was someone named Lana involved with the show I would name her. Lana Dahama. The girl with the fucking hair. Rina. Rina. Lina.

Lena. Lena. You accidentally said her. Yeah. Correct name. You broke the bit. We would love to have Lana on the podcast.

Blanche. Blanche. What's her name? Her name is Ban Denim. Oh, yeah. Blan Denim. These are Blan Denim. I really don't want you to cuff him so high.

But when you got socked in like that. Hey, everybody at Reddit, 1,000 strong to get him here to uncuff his jeans. Don't abuse Reddit that way. Oh, they always post 100 strong for something. You know how powerful hashtags are. I know. And genocide.

Uncuff the jeans. That's what I'm saying. This is a genocide. Reddit and genocide. Look how long these jeans are. Uncuff them. Uncuff them. I'll fall for this.

This is ruse where I smell his foot for a second. This is too long. By your standards. Here's what I'll say. Look at your quad strength. This is too long By your standards Here's what I'll say Look at your quad strength This is so interesting Yeah Well I did a spinning class Did you really?

Why aren't we talking about that? There's sort of a light For another show That's a light cuff I would say it's a casual cuff A casual cuff Like this That's like

Oh man these are long And I gotta throw my sneakers on And I gotta walk You're giving him a different personality though This is like But this is My mom got me ready for school no that's an america yeah isn't this me being me and then this is you being you i can't have these socks with this this is like oh i don't care about shit also i bought these very specific looking socks well if you really cared about shit

you'd get your jeans hemmed i swear to god. You're doing yourself a disservice. You're doing the denim a disservice. You hem your jeans. Yeah. You hem your jeans. Hem your jeans. Hem your jeans, Amir. You're having a dream. Hem your dreams, Amir.

Hem your dreams. Why are you saying that to me, mom? Hem your dreams. Hem my dreams? All right, let's get, let's try to answer one more question before another aspect of my outfit or personality is exposed to more than enough people. All right, last question. Let's get to it. Ready? Yes.

We need another, one last man's name. Oh, boy. Four hours later. Literally, it can be Sebastian. No, no, no. We already did a little bit. I know. Let's pick one from...

Dip you in the beef. Oh, oh. Well, there's Sven, the reindeer from Frozen from frozen oh that's really good let's do sven okay dear amir and jake a friend of mine told me that the mom of someone we knew had nude pictures of herself put on the internet it's pretty awful thing to do to someone but they were put up by the man she cheated on her husband with my friend has seen the website how can i get my friend to give me the link without sounding like a total perv thanks sven sven so he wants his friend has the link of his naked mom no no i have

friends naked mom oh so it's not even. Yeah, a friend's naked mom. Oh, so it's not even his... I thought it was his... I thought he literally needed to ask the guy whose friend it was. No, it's like... And he's your mom. It's like, oh, I have a link of Rosie's mom naked on the internet.

And you're like, oh. And you want to see it, but you don't want to come off as a perv. What are you... He's the one with the link. He's asked. He's the perv. He says he's seen him.

He's the perv dealer. He's the perv-air. he's seen him. He's the perv dealer. He's the purveyor. Oh, very good. Touch the sky. Grace of God, just that. But he doesn't want to go down to his level. He doesn't want to admit to being a perv. He's a perv.

Just admit it. This would be like if I had porn and you wanted to see it. Yeah, but I don't want to be like. He's a ruse because he is a perv. Just be who you are who you are yeah he wants to disguise it he wants to hide the pervness be the perv you are be the perv you were born to be that's a pretty good be the perv you were born to be it didn't need to be sung but so that's a made-up song but you can tell that he's not a good singer it sounded fine actually thank you it you. It was beautiful. I recorded it. I've sold it. What? Sorry.

No, I'm so happy. I've always wanted to be a singer. I recorded artists. But even if it's made up, it could still be bad, right? Objectively? Yes, but I have less of an ability to judge it if it hasn't existed before.

What is the objective bad music? What do you mean? Like, oh, these notes are not good together. Dissonance can be good, though. So there's kind of no way. So there's no, it's all subjective. It's all about energy. Like, oh, these notes are not good together. Dissonance can be good, though. So there's kind of no way. So there's no, it's all subjective. It's all about energy. Like, I'm not a great singer, but I have like this raw sexual energy.

No. No. That's sort of like, hi, I'm talking. No, just no. No, I feel like, I don't know. I think being sharp or flat is what's bad. I thought you were talking about the questions when you said that. I don't give a shit about this situation.

We already told him he should just ask his friend. Yeah, just ask your friend or Google around for it. Be resourceful. My friend's hot mom is literally a porn site that exists already. Is it? Sure it is. My friend's hot mom? My friend's hot mom.

Of course it is. Yeah, it's um these guys will go over their their friends house they're like oh hey mrs callahan i'm just finishing up mowing the yard and she's like oh you and bobby have been spending a lot of time together lately you guys are getting really close which turns me on and then she like will bend over and clean the stove he's like and she's like did you just look at my ass the senior describing is undoing feminism really like a sweater thank god someone had to do it thank god you're cleaning the stove woman these women are very empowered because they come on to the men and the men are like excuse me no i don't want to yeah the boys well there's usually like yeah they're definitely not real little boys but i don't know why it's a hot it't know. It's a hot. It's a hot.

It's a hot thing. It's a hot site. It's called MILF porn, right? Yeah. MILF porn is a huge thing. Why do porn sites have stories and themes? Like, can't you, can it just be the fucking. I'll watch this. Like, I, I don't think a single girl I know, although I could be wrong, would be able to

be dropped into the middle of a porn and get off to it. I couldn't do that either. I need some context. Just like hit play and there's sex happening. Like what's interesting. Don't you just fast forward to that part anyway? I'll like bounce around. Boys do typically.

The tabs thing is crazy. Oh yeah. Tabs are the tab thing. That boys watch porn with multiple tabs. Oh, did we talk about this last time? Yeah. I feel like it's come up before. I'm still trying to process it.

So when girls watch porn, they watch one thing all the way through with the story. They want it like the backstory. Or even just the first half. Do porn, do the videos have a first half? I watch the story. I like some context. What do you mean? Like, I like to see it's a girl scout.

He listed a family tree. I don't know. I'll do some research on the porn stars themselves, too. like I like to see it's a girl scout he looks at a family tree there's yeah I don't know I'll do some research on the porn stars themselves too oh you want to know like backstory

behind the scenes shit I'll follow a porn star on Twitter just to like see what's good here's a question will you re-watch will you re-watch videos yeah definitely

really I'll like be I'll just be like sitting in my room and I'll think about a porn video that I want to watch and jerk off to I'll be like oh I haven't seen you can conjure it I'll think about a porn video that I want to watch and jerk off to.

I'll be like, oh, I haven't seen... You can conjure it? I don't think there's enough porn on the internet for Jake to have seen this much hours and not repeat. That's probably true. But sometimes I'll be like... Like today, I was like, oh, I want to masturbate to Isis Taylor. Isis Taylor? Yeah, she has a really big ass.

And it's beautiful. Sorry, for a second I thought you were talking about the Islamic extremist group that's taking over Iraq. That's what? What's happening? Nothing. Never mind. Don't worry about it. Just keep jerking off. Stay where you are. Yeah, stay beautiful.

So ISIS Taylor is really cute. And what was that about Iraq though? That actually makes me a little nervous. This whole Iraq shit. they're just like really cute and um what was that about Iraq though like that shit that actually makes me a little nervous this whole Iraq shit don't worry

you live very far from it do I you promise though where's Iraq at I don't have time to look at a map I'm too busy

J-O I would google map but all my my lock screen is Isis Taylor and every time I go to unlock my phone, it sort of just distracts. There she is. Shit.

I have to go. Get off to it. I'll look up the Iraq shit later or not. Whatever. It doesn't matter. I have a question that will pertain to a lot of the younger, I think, your audience in general. For boys in high school,

is the day just a long waiting period until you can masturbate? Is it the school day? For someone like Jake, it might have been, but for me, it wasn't really part of my purview. Purve. It's a good word. I have another question for you.

When you're masturbating, I know you go to, like, Red Tube. Is Red Tube on your site? Yeah, I go to, like, just giant aggregators. I'm very masturbating, I know you go to RedTube. You do porn for free? Yeah, I go to just giant aggregators. I'm very non-specific. Anyone or do you go to RedTube? Either RedTube or YouPorn? Yeah, YouPorn.

YouPorn's okay, but they clip all the movies. All those things you'll see, like an 8-minute clip, those are 42-minute movies. I don't need more than 2 minutes. I don't need, I don't need more than two minutes. I don't need eight. And I definitely don't need 42. The shadow of a buzz on.

So you'll go to, you'll go to RedTube, look at the thumbnails, see this girl looks attractive. And then you'll master it. I won't even click. Yeah. I don't even click on the video.

I just see the thumbnail. You know how they like. Do you master it? That was John Carlos. Or John and John Carlos joke. Was that one of your guys jokes? Was it? Oh yeah.

John and John Carlos were in room, by the way. Can you shoot each other for a second? He's like, I'm framed up and uncomfortable. I don't want to move. It was like, how do you masturbate to porn as soon as I see a thumbnail? What is it? Can you say it? I'll repeat it.

Do you remember what it is? It was a tweet from like two years ago. He fake looks it up and knows it. This was his tweet from two years ago. he fake looks it up and knows it this was his tweet from two years ago he paid me $200 to bring it up he's framed up on one of your nostrils

it's been built up but it's so funny like how do you guys jerk off to whole videos I've never been able to make it past the thumbnail there's something

along those lines it's so funny yes I don't need I would never watch 42 minutes of porn I would watch 42 minutes but I liked the part where the girl's ass is out. So I like to fast forward to that, and I would love two minutes.

What do you mean, the part where the girl's ass is out? Doggy style or reverse cowgirl POV porn. I can't believe you pretended to know what he was talking about just then. If I get a good enough view of the ass, that's what I care about the most. Oh, you're a buttman. Yes. Interesting. Yes, I am a buttman. I am a buttman view of the ass, that's what I care about the most. Oh, you're a buttman. Yes. Interesting. Yes, I am a buttman.

Yes, a buttman. This is my son. I like all of it. I like every part of a woman. The butt, the boobs. Not so crazy about the vagina or the boobs, really. It's mostly butt. But everyone's beautiful.

I'm an ass man. I'm a family man, too. I'm an oil man. I'm an ass man. What were you saying what was your question as long as you get to the butt

oh yeah I'm just saying like two minutes of butt because if I'm watching one of those eight minute clips then it's only going to be like 15 seconds of butt

and I don't that's not enough for me to nut yeah I gotta have a lot of butt if I'm gonna nut you know what I'm saying I know what you're saying

so you don't you will just click on one video watch it masturbate and you're done in like what don't, you will just click on one video, watch it, masturbate, and you're done in like, what, five minutes?

Yeah, I would say that's average. So from start to, you're like, okay, I want to masturbate today, and then 10 minutes after that, you'll be like,

getting your clothes on. I'll be on the 405, singing Iggy Azalea's band. Still masturbating. I have to start at home, and finish in between the 101 and the 10 freeway you're just like bobbing along in your car seat smash along if you feel like I'm happy. I'm happy.

I guess we should end there. That's a funny visual. Feels honest to me. I think it's real. Thank you for coming back. Yeah, we appreciate it. Thank you for having me. I hope we help these people.

I always worry that we don't. We never do. That's very sweet of you. You guys have good advice. You listen the show we never do but at the very least follow-up pup emails do you guys get very little oh really we should start searching for those though i'm nervous that they come in and you guys don't see them yeah guys put follow-up pup in your subject line is that a good idea that's a good idea she's yeah you got it i'm just nervous because then we can search for him as a fan fan, I really yearn for the conclusion. If we did answer your question on the show, email us with the subject,

follow-up pop. I can show you the world. Oh, we never actually said anything like, you can email us as well, ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. Correct. We're also still accepting theme song submissions. The first one was from Brett Fields, the same guy that did the last opening theme song, I think.

And this closing one is from somebody named, he has a very normal name, and it's Jonathan Gould. Gould, yes, indeed. So thanks again, Allison, for coming by. Thanks for having me back. When does Girls Season 4 debut? Probably January. That's how it goes, right? Yeah.

The summer, release in the winter? Classic, dude. Anyone with any game? I mean, we get it. We're in the TV space. We do mostly digital stuff. All digital stuff. Yeah.

Only digital stuff. Are your glasses fake? Thanks so much for listening, everybody. We'll be back next Monday with a whole new episode. Later, guys. For a friend. Dying to know. For a friend.

Are your glasses fake? Okay. Okay. See I hate to admit it, I got a problem Stuck with these thoughts, I can't seem to stop them Truth is, I'm afraid to ask My mom and dad, wait, what's this podcast? It's Jake and Amir, it's if I were you Show where two Jews make fun of you But joke after joke, they get to the advice

It's so good, you'll probably fucking play it twice Stop bitching, these dudes have the remedy To aid you, or even help you seize the cheese So please, turn this shit up We get it, your life's tough, and it's all messed up This'll be the only thing you need in your life A laugh or two, and some decent advice Grab a beer, sit and cheer

Jake and Amir have vices right here The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only.