Segments - 85: Homophobia

Episode Date: June 23, 2014

In this episode we discuss tolerance, pseudonyms, and bro-gifts. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com -- the best way to create a website, and LootCrate.com -- An epic monthly subscription box for geeks and gamers for under $20 See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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sweet, sweet credit. You can start a trial as early as seven minutes ago with no credit card required, and you can just basically start building your website today. So thank you, Squarespace, for supporting podcasts like this one. All right, let's just get to it. This episode got pretty trill pretty fast, so I think you guys will dig it actually enjoy shout out to jake and amir greatest podcasters in the planet let me tell you how i'm rapping a question why are you asking a jake and a miss stating it clear that y'all are lacking a problem of life's given whether it's with women or in your school system or how you live in oh you got a problem tell them so they'll solve it no matter how stupid the question be that you're honest from all the problems to the women with

their sex life situations with stds they know the best type handling every email with maturity even with jay kerr which is insecurity what i'm writing is proof the day of the truth this isn't i will you let them say what they do. That was cool, except for the part where he said he didn't like me. But music-wise, it was really good. He sounded like Kendrick Lamar. Yeah, but I couldn't get behind his message, unfortunately. Right, where he was mean to me in the beginning. But that being said, it was pretty good.

So that guy's real name i think is benjamin but his twitter name and his soundcloud name is benjo b benjo b yes he has more music on soundcloud as benjo b and on twitter he's king benjo oh that's cool yeah he should really do like consistent branding though oh you mean like make a SoundCloud King Benjo as well? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I agree. Across the board. I want to know how many rapsters are out there,

and their rapster name is based on their real name. God, you got old and white. Like Eminem is based on his initials. Marshall. Yeah. But then 2 Chainz, it not like his name is Right Twice Charlie Yeah Right

No it is It is Twice Charlie Yeah Insane His name is Twice Charlie Twice Charlie Kendrick Lamar

That's his real name Drake is his middle name Yeah What else Oh Snoop Dogg is not based on His name is Calvin Really Yeah

Well Calvin's like Calvin and Hobbes. Hobbes was a tiger. No, I think it's just that he looks like a dog. No, no, I see how he got there. It's a little removed for sure. But you can't fault Snoop D-O-double-G for that. What's another example of a rapster? First, please stop calling them rapsters.

Sorry, a rap smith. A rap smith. Jesus Christ Lil Kim Her name is probably Kim Lil Wayne Is Wayne Yeah

So your Your rap name Would be based on your name It's J Wits right J Yeah J Wits J Money J Dollar

J Hood What's Good Yeah Of course But my name could be anything It doesn't have to be Yeah your rapster name Yeah

Could be Amir Shmuel Hey hey I don't think that would workster name yeah i'm your shmuel hey hey i don't think that was all right everybody i'm a mere shmuel throwing tomatoes dj shmoo moo dj shmoo moo in the house hey this is if i were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm dj shmoo moo and i'm jay witz jay money jay dollar jay hood and I'd love to know what's good although the pinch

isn't based on anything oh yeah the pinch yeah well I'm good in a pinch that's why they call me the pinch if you're in a pinch you call the pinch

and that's what these people do get your crab claws out no don't turn that into a thing people email us at ifireyoushow at gmail.com

Seeking advice and we do our best to offer them Advice Damn it We do our best to offer it Advice That's the new t-shirt People email us seeking advice and we do our best to offer them Dot dot dot

Advice Damn it Specifically advice So anything left to say? No let's get started. We gave this guy his props. His dupe-roppers, actually. Indeed.

All right. First question. Question the first. Comes from... Let's give this guy a rapster name. We've done that before. We'll do it again. Let's give him a fake rap name.

Oh, okay. So, you're making one up right now. Just making one up. Yeah, for this dude. name we've done that before well you can give them let's give them a fake rap name oh okay so you're making one up right now just making one up yeah for this dude uh gabriel thomas gabriel bad rap name no it's it's like kendrick lamar it's like marshall mathers it's the it's like those are those are his real names yeah i want his rap name, I want his rap name. No, I'm saying, like, all right, fine. His name is Gabriel Thomas. It's G-Money Tom Tom up in it. G-Money Tom Tom.

G-Money Tom Tom. Here's the situation. My girlfriend and I get along great. She gets me on so many levels, shares my perspective on the world, and is cute. She and I do much political and community work together. Many of her female friends have gotten involved with our work as well. Our work took a few of us over to Washington, D.C. for a lobbying trip, but it was only me and three of her friends.

One of her friends and one who was on the trip is a total dime, beautiful, popular girl from high school, and still popular in college, driven, and also gets me on so many levels. We became good friends after the DC trip and have been hanging out often ever since. Right now, this other girl is in Rome, Italy, and we've been communicating on the daily via Facebook and Skype. My problem is that I think I've developed a crush on her. While still in love with my girlfriend, I can't stop thinking about this beautiful woman. She's much more down to earth than my current girl, prettier,

I pain to admit, and is much more open-minded. I have not acted on my feelings, but I would like to know what your thoughts are on my situation. I'd like to think that I'm a good mix of both Jake and Amir when it comes to love and dating, so your advice would be equally appreciated. Like to see how you can help a brother out. Love, G-Tom-Tom. G-Money-Tom-Tom. G-Money-Tom-Tom.

Interesting. G Tom Tom G Money Tom Tom G Money Tom Tom Interesting I like that he says that Like one of her great characteristics Is that she's popular Yeah popular in high school Especially in high school She's like in college now One of my favorite things about her Is she was popular in high school

Okay Let's just say she was popular Let's just say she was popular in high school. Okay? Let's just say she was popular. Let's just say she's popular now or just like it doesn't necessarily matter. I don't know anybody who's popular in college. That's such a big thing. Unless you're an athlete. Is she a mathlete?

She's a mathlete. I also like that two of his criterias for women are both these girls get him on so many levels you don't understand how many levels dimensional are you like they get that i love popular girls yeah it's true you're clearly shallow yeah you love you love girls that are popular but you also want them to get you on so many levels which is one that you are except he does go on uh community work trips together. So he is a good guy.

You're going to make me feel shitty for not going on community trips. So I don't go on enough community trips for you, but I think I go on plenty. How many? I haven't been on one recently or ever in my life, but I think I think about them a decent amount. And I think I might actually hit this guy up. We have his email, especially if there are a bunch of dime smoke shows going. They're all popular in high school and college, and they're going to get me on so many levels. Yeah, stick with your high school girlfriend and set me up with this hotter Roman chick.

I don't know. I don't know. This guy also says he's still in love with his girlfriend, but I don't think he is. I think he's fallen out of love with his girlfriend. He's talking about her being closed-minded and unattractive. Can you have a crush or in love with two people at the same time? I think you can be in love with someone and have a crush on someone, probably. So you can be like, oh, I love my girlfriend, but I also have a crush on another girl.

I think that's what it is. But sometimes a crush will tear at the love and if your love's not strong, then your crush is going to surpass your love. And sometimes people confuse crushes for love and make stupid decisions. Sometimes they're like, they could love someone,

they have such a big crush on someone, they're so infatuated with someone that they think they'll love that person instead. But I think this gorgeous, popular in high school and college, driven girl who's so open-minded. She's just such a breath of fresh air that you think that she's the one. And she'll eventually turn into a girl that you think is less pretty and a girl you think is closed-minded. And then there's going to be somebody else out there.

That's my hell, dude. That's my world. That's where I live live every other girl's more interesting because she's another girl she's new and i don't know anything about her and i can make it make a future for us in my head and then i start embarking on that future and i realize she's a person that makes decisions and i'm like wait a second i constructed the dream version of you who the fuck are you? You're a stranger. Get out of my life.

There's another girl over here. Uh-oh. She's a stranger too. Holy shit. She's new and exciting. She's shiny and improved. And then she loses her luster. And I've got to bust her.

What do you mean you have to bust her? I kill all my exes. Oh my God. I'm sorry. I'm not a murderer my god i'm sorry i'm not a murderer i'm just sorry i'm not sorry i'm just a devil um so but even if this guy does have a crush on a girl that's not his girlfriend whether or not that's gonna like last this new girl the fact that he has a crush on somebody else is not a good sign you think that when you've been with people in the past, there's like no people that come on and you have little crushes on? Little crushes, yes, but not daily Skypes and Facebook messages. I see.

Yeah, you're right. You're right. You're true. You're true, shmoo-moo. Okay. You shmoo. You shmoo. So I feel like this guy's taking it too far.

Once you start having crushes on other girls, I don't think there's room in your heart and brain. To explore those things while still. To have two real crushes. I think you can only be infatuated with one girl at a time. Fair enough. But maybe that's just me. Well, you're usually right. I think if you want to be with somebody else, then that's great.

And if you think that your relationship with your girlfriend has run its course and you don't want to go back, then you know what? It's fine to break up, but I think you've got to do it now. You can't be stringing both of them along. Yeah, but is it weird? Is it bad? Is it considered dickish to break up with your girlfriend and go after her friend i don't know maybe you want to have some kind of conversation with uh with the friend and say we shouldn't talk so much because i'm starting to have like feelings for you and if she's like

oh that'll just turn her on right but then if she's like oh my god yeah totally like i respect my friend and i don't want you to have a crush on me. This is not what I want. Then you'll know. And then also, but if she's like, oh, my goodness, we should stop. But I like talking to you so much and I'm starting to have feelings for you, too. Then maybe you start having an illicit affair that you feel really excited about. And then you're like. Do you have an illicit affair?

Illicit affair. Well, no. All right. Don't fully embark on the illicit affair. Wait till it's an option and then break up with your girlfriend and then go on to your illicit affair, which is now not an illicit affair but a perfectly sanctioned, lovely relationship. But your ex will hate both of you and that's fine. Yeah, you have to lose – if you do do it, it seems like it's an asshole thing to do. Like, oh, he broke up with me. He started dating my friend.

But if you do it in that order, it's not actually mean, right? I think it's hurtful, but not necessarily mean-spirited. Right. You know, shitty things happen all the time. As long as you do it with a pure heart and you're not an asshole and you're very sensitive to your girlfriend's feelings.

Are you true of mind and soul? That's what you need to look in the mirror and find out. Or are you just a shallow little popular boy, love lady, wannabe what? This is, yeah. No, I don't know. I'm having a stroke. Oh, no.

So what would you do if you were him? I would probably go after this new girl. Oh, so while breaking up with your girl? Yeah, I think I'd have... I would probably do it in a way that was frowned upon by all parties. Yeah. I would still be having... I would have sex with my girlfriend as we were breaking up,

and I would be flirting with the new girl and be saying i can't wait to be with you i just have to get out of a relationship with this wench meanwhile i'm like going back to my ex crying being like remember when it was so good what are we doing what are we fighting for i don't want to be with anybody but you and then like as soon as she's out of like my eyeline then this new girl is like oh my god you're so new and shiny and perfect and I constructed a perfect perfect life for us let's go let's go camping

forever together and then the girls talk about me to each other and they say he's playing us both he's a devil he's a monster he's a nobody but they're worse but i'm worse than all those things i'm a devil taped to a monster taped to a nobody i don't exist the hardest part is taping yourself to a nobody so maybe that's the advice is to if at the very least if they talk

to each other make sure it it doesn't end up in them both hating you. Like, if you're just really, really great to one of those girls, then you've done your job right. Like, you break up with a current girlfriend. She's not going to like you because she's friends with, you know, this other girl that you're with now. But if you're, you know, if you give yourself all to this new girl, when they talk, the new girl can't be like hurtful in the long run to just pull this band-aid off rather than string it along and have you be miserable for months and have me be stressed out and anxious and then keep this new girl who might be excited about you waiting. So I think that you're actually being a nice guy to everybody if you just admit to yourself that you fell out of love with your girlfriend and you like somebody else. Or, okay. Or.

Or cheat on her. That's not good. Okay. But I'll let you talk. Go on. Even if you're nice. Even if you're nice to her, she won't like you anymore. She won't.

But I think all you can do is give her that retrospect. You know what I mean? You've got to give it that hindsight. You've got to give it that retro-hindy. All right? You know what I'm saying? So she's going to be upset with you. She's going to be upset with you.

But then looking back in a couple months or maybe longer or maybe less time, I don't know. But she's going to look back and be be like that was actually a cool thing of him to do oh yeah like he broke up with me in a good way yeah but but if you like draw it out and make it painful then she's gonna look back and be like that sucked and he should have just told me straight up i don't want to be with you yeah don't give her any ammunition for her future self right well it's not about self-preservation you always make it about self-preservation yeah don't give her any ammunition. It's not ammunition.

Just give her that hindsight. You're mean, dude. Fuck. I swear you are. Because I'm bringing it back to you. Like, oh, just don't be mean to her so she can't be mean to you. When you're saying you should just not be mean to her because you should treat all people equally well i'm no i'm just i'm that's like the ideal but it's i think it's it's actually it's fine if he's like gonna be nice to

her because he doesn't want her to be mean to him in the future i guess that's still like net effect him being kind ultimately so even though his motives are flawed the outcome is still deece all right well let's let's transition this to another question about uh treating people kindly okay uh we need we need another rapper's name is it a guy's name or a gal's it's a guy's name you have to give me the real person's name and then okay well its name starts with j no you just come so you come up with a new name okay you come up with a new name so like i'll say his name is brandon right okay brandon what brandon whedon brandon whedon yeah okay so we call him we done done we done done done we done

done brandon i'm done the double dunce the double dunce double dunce double double dunce double double double dunce double double doublece. This is all his name? No, I was thinking to the tune of Bubble Butt. Double Dunce. Double Dunce, though. That is a good name. Double Dunce. All right, Double Dunce writes,

Being a kid from the rural South, it is common for people my age to playfully joke around about homosexuality. I don't hate people who are gay, but as far as homosexuality goes, I believe that it's wrong for many reasons, mostly because I just can't see how it makes any sense. But then again, why would I? That being said, I was screwing around in my English teacher's classroom one morning

when I picked a book off the shelf and read the summary on the back. I don't remember exactly what the book was about, but it was centered around a gay character. Looking back now, the next thing I did was quite stupid, and I probably deserve the consequences for my actions. Anyway, I put on my fake arrogant old man impression and gave a quite condescending and somewhat loud speech to my English teacher, asking why this sinful, slanderous, evil-ridden material was accepted in her classroom. When she replied by saying, well, you're asking I was stupid enough to go into a small argument about why that belief is flawed, out of pride, I suppose, but I quickly caught myself making another mistake and ending the conversation. The remainder of the school year was quite awkward,

and I have heard from various students that she herself might be a lesbian. How do I solve this little issue without hurting her feelings or making myself look like a jackass? Keep in mind, I do not run around cutting down gay people. I just have my opinion and voice it when asked. Oh, the subject line is, Whoops, she thinks I'm a homophobe whoops you are a homophobe whoops you're a double dunce for this whoops that's funny that that dunce thing worked out you really should have a dunce cap in the corner double dunce double double double dunce this is

another one of those things where i think i said I said this once, to realize how offensive you're being, replace gay people with black people. You're like, I don't have anything against black people. I just don't get it, and I don't understand why they're like that, and I don't think that they should get married. I mean, I have this quiet opinion, but I guess she thinks I'm racist. It's so stupid. I think being gay is wrong for many reasons. Most of all, I don't understand it.

That's okay. I don't get math, but I don't think it's wrong. I just recognize there's things that go on in the world that I don't have to like. Also, you don't understand gay people. Yeah, it's pretty straightforward. Imagine what you think about women. You would think about guys there that solved that issue and the second step is recognizing that you don't think that way about

guys so whatever it's fine you just go back to being straight and don't even worry about anything else whoops she thinks i'm a homophobe just because i don't think gay people make any sense oh my god it's so funny that he's so he's so like self-aware and blissfully ignorant and also like his vocabulary is pretty bad my joking smile quickly turned to a quite guilty frown i'm sorry i don't mean to make fun of your vocabulary you're a homophobe i'll make fun of you for that yeah uh he thinks it's wrong for many reasons mostly because he can't see how it makes any sense um okay

so here's what you have to do sir uh you got to come to the realization that you are a homophobe and uh you'll very quickly even in the rural south be on the wrong side of history What you want to do is change your opinion now Then you can be like an early adopter Well you can't be an early adopter Well for his town maybe So then like in 30 years when everyone's like tolerant of gay people And then you can be like you know what Your kids can be like my dad was tolerant

Back in 2014 Oh my god Yeah he was like that white person in 1780 That felt bad about owning slaves. That's who you want to be. A lot of people from the South are... I think... I don't know. This dude just has the wrong opinion.

Maybe you're very young. You're in high school. I think you just don't really have a good enough worldview yet. Yeah, you don't have thoughts that are your own quite yet. But, well, it's cool that you emailed us. I'll say that.

Yeah. He saw the error in his ways and he's trying to figure out what's Gucci with this whole thing. Yeah. And I will say that, you know, just explore yourself. You felt your instincts were right when you felt guilty about the feelings that you were having. Yeah. That's good. that a little flame of tolerance belly is bright in you don't say anything about flames he did say he had a felt of pride that he kept going on maybe your school has a gsa the gay

straight alliance maybe you could join or start that and then you could uh start a gay straight alliance i think that's what you have to do to make up for this yeah that way you're equal you're You could join or start that, and then you could... Start a gay-straight alliance? I think that's what you have to do to make up for this. Yeah, that way you're balancing out the universe. You realize that you were small-minded, and now you're doing your best to make sure that nobody else falls prey to the same mistake. He's emailing us to ask how he can stop feeling guilty, and I think it's to do something for uh for the very people that you cut down so

that's what you got to do what else can we say you know what will help is a gay rapper oh yeah are there any openly gay rappers um yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. What's his name? What's his name? What's his name? Or do you not think that far ahead? Orange. Something orange. Nope. Definitely not orange. Gay rapper. Gay rapper.

He's in Odd Future. That's his name. Should I look it up? Yeah. Oh, Frankie Ocean. Frank Ocean. Yeah. That's it it i searched gay rapper on google and it says the related searches are gay rappers revealed frank ocean gay gay rapper list and mclemore that's funny um all right change your brain boom uh next question yeah do-do-do well this one's kind of bro-y too it's kind of fun let's uh let's give this guy a name let's say his oh you know

what no i don't want to give his email but his email address does kind of seem like a rap name. Let's call him Walter. So what's his rap name? Walter. Walter doesn't falter. He's Walt, Walt the Fault in the Earth. He's the Earthquake. Oh. Okay. What about Quakezilla?

Quakezilla, baby. That'd be good if he was fat. Quakezilla. That's a pretty cool name. Quakezilla writes, subject, hey ladies, Glad you chose me to be on your show. I live in the States and my bro, not my brother, my bro lives in France, but is doing some kind of science stuff in Germany. He was there for me when I was getting over this hella bitch,

and I want to thank him for being there, but I don't know how. I want to send him something without asking his address, and I want to do more than write him a bro note. I thought you guys would be the bro- when it comes to this shit i never said my question would be easy but i didn't think my situation would be this hard let's take it back to the start love quagzilla quagzilla quagzilla is trying to be real real real dude-ish and then he he quoted coldplay at the end yeah he's got i love that he's he's a sensitive bro he's got a complex he's like yeah i don't know what the fuck i can get this guy that

means a shitload to me hey girls how you ladies doing look i need to send this fucking bro something better than a note but i want to be a bitch and ask for his address. Look, I need to send him a present. I feel like I can write him a shitty-ass poem or something stupid or whatever. He's studying, like, science or some bullshit, and I miss the

fucking hell out of him. It's fucking lame, lame, lame, although at the end of the day I would like to show him my appreciation with a token of sorts. How do I send a hug across the ocean? I'd love to send a hug. Can I mail him a hug? So what's your perfect bro gift?

I think the dude should visit him. That's it. I don't think i would especially when i'm like studying abroad don't send me a present just like fucking come that'd be dope yeah well you love things that you don't have to physically deal with i don't yeah i don't like stuff yeah you like you like experiences not actual cubes of things. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You want like an iPod or something? Yeah, I want an iPad Nano. iPad Nano?

Keep your fucking trip. Save your money. Save your flights. I don't need to be with you. Then you leave and I'm sad. I want a fucking iPad for this. I helped you deal with a hella bitch. And right now I want music and games.

If I helped you get over a girl, you want fucking money? You want prizes? No, if I helped you get over a girl, I want games. You want a game for it. I think I either deserve a game for it, I deserve music for it. I want games and music for what I did. My actions deserve a a game machine i think you he helped you get over this girl because he's your friend and what do you do with friends you

spend time with them fly to germany or some shit travel with them that's cool you know i actually have i i went to a store the other day i won't give this away but i thought of a really good gift for you when your birthday comes up very soon less than two months away i thought of a good gift for you it's a physical object and i think you'll like it wow i can't wait yeah thank you it's a flight to germany one-way flight i'll take that is it an ipad nano what if i just gave you an ipad if you got me an ipad for my birthday i think i would i'd make you return it why because i don't want it i don't want one yeah you do it's thinner than your macbook i yeah but i like my i don't fucking you i don't need an ipad just like sit around and use i have my phone what if i gave you a new computer you gave me a macbook pro i'd be yeah

i would use that that'd be dope you'd be like thank you i would probably be like more than thank you i think i'd be like i would grill you for a long time about why you got it for me how much you spent on it why you thought that it was normal to get it for me if you're expecting something in return um but ultimately i guess if you pass the test I'd be really grateful and I would keep it. All right. So I guess the answer to this question is either a flight to Germany or an iPad. Those are your two options. Perfect. All right.

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Oh, you know what else I wanted to talk about? We got a little follow-up email. Not really a follow-up to an answer, but on the Allison Williams podcast, that guy who was dating his friend's girlfriend and called him a snake. Right, right, right. Wrote us another email before we answered this email before yeah it was no it was the day after we answered that email yeah so he didn't hear our answer but he just he just followed up with more information for us and we were so sad that we

didn't get to talk about it on the show because we had already recorded it right if you remember yeah he had just he was upset he didn't know whether or not to keep this girl because his friend the snake had slept with her even though his friend the snake was going out with her before he was the one that was taking took her from his friend okay so then he writes as a as a follow-up email also what's a good way to get revenge on this guy because when my mom went over for drinks with his parents and confronted him about it he smirked at her and walked off without saying anything midway through her talking let it not cross your mind that this guy is any kind of stud he is a loser and he gets in girls

pants from ass kissing and groveling like the pathetic worm he is either either we're getting trolled by one of the funniest people ever or he's just inadvertently one of the funniest people ever. What are you talking about? It's so funny. You're sleeping with your friend's girlfriend. He's a pathetic

worm, mate. He's a worm, man. Let it not cross your mind that he's a stud. My mom went over and he left the room after smirking at her. I don't know how to do it. I lost it. Smirking.

Let it not cross your mind that he's a stud. He only gets chicks by complimenting them. That's good. It's a normal way to do it. I get it the old fashioned way By stealing it from worms I steal it from the guys Who's already complimented them That's so good

Hey Speaking of London If this guy's listening Or anybody else in England We still have tickets available For our shows We have a podcast there We have a live podcast

And a live show Two different shows One beautiful night Monday September 8th And they're selling If you're waiting because we're talking about it And it's not until September

You should know that we saw the ticket counts And you should buy tickets I'm not trying to brag or anything I just don't want people to be left out Also, just to brag, we're moving units We're moving units We're like getting shit done And just to brag a little bit

We keep 100% of the door. Okay? You know what that means? That's cash in hand. That's cash in hand. That's cash on pocket. On pocket. Cash in pocket.

Cash on hand. C-O-D, B-O-D, B-P-O-D. We're getting that British guap shit. British guap, dude. That fish and shit shit. Bands make a dance. Bands make a dance. shit bands make a dance bands make a dance bands make a dance they have strip clubs in england right i don't know is that just we'll go we'll be there trust trust we'll be at it uh we should also take

suggestion about where we should travel after england that's true we want to go somewhere else that's true early leaders are berlin berlin and amsterdam that's true not for a show just to chill just to chill just to hang so let us know what you prefer and don't just say one or the other because you live there right i'm trying to rage dude tell me where i can rage my face off and like see museums and culture and shit and rage my fucking tits off at night. But during the day, like eat a delicious meal, take a nice walk through a park, and then at nighttime, just rage my fucking balls off, dude. Rage my dick off. I don't want to have – I want to be fucking dust at the end of this thing. What?

I want to explode it into a ball of rage. What? Rage face, rage dick, rage tits, tits rage ass dude or rage all of it off i won't have a face tits a dick or an ass or nuts at the end of this trip that's how many art museums i want to visit so that'll be fun uh all right where were we where were we? Where were we? Oh, yeah, last question. Last question. Last question, dance. Is this from a lady?

I sure hope so. Oh, it is. Woo! Tight. All right, female rap name. Her real name is Samantha, even though it's not. So what's her rap name? Symmetry.

What? Symmetry. That was so fast, but it's not. So what's her rap name? Symmetry. What? Symmetry. That was so fast but it's also pretty good. Thank you. Was it tree with two E's at the end? Ooh. Yeah. It's S-I-M-M-A space T-R-E-E. Yeah. Symmetry. And then her

logo is two trees that are symmetrical. That look like titties. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Symmetry. Yeah. Because she makes it Simma. What? Symmetry. Yeah. Because she makes it semi. What? Semi-symmetry now. That's actually

we should create a rap persona called Symmetry. Just find a woman who's down to rap for us. That'd be awesome. All right. Nicki Minaj meets Nicki

Finky from Deadline Hollywood. All right. Hey guys. Love the show. I found myself stuck in a little Tinder dilemma. I'm a 20- Is that right?

I am a 20-year-old female, and in no way at all am I considered easy. However, I met this guy on Tinder who's about five years older than me and extremely mature. We've been talking for a pretty long time, yet not had the chance to actually meet face-to-face. Our conversations are mostly about our jobs, hobbies, basically strictly business, with small traces of flirting hither and thither. I can definitely tell he is interested. It's nice to have someone who isn't constantly asking for nudes and is able to have an intelligent conversation without switching the subject to fucking. Here's my problem. How do I tell this guy that I want to bang him? He's 100% my type physically, and I'm tired of fantasizing about him, and I want to fuck him for real.

Will he be offended or think that I am immature or trashy for suggesting this? I feel like this question is for Amir, considering, like, he would be turned off by something like this. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks, Sima Sima Tree. Yo, it's Sima Tree. Sima Sima Tree now. I'm not easy anyway this guy sent me a couple tinder messages and i'm gonna fuck him well what she means is that if a guy was like oh i want to fuck you i think most guys on tinder are just super straightforward what are your tits send

me a nude i want to fuck and like this girl's not turned on by that so that's another one of the examples if you're just a normal guy you're already better than so many guys. That's true. She's like she's so turned on by this guy that didn't ask her for nudes and say let's fuck that she wants to fuck. Yeah. Guys are so bad that boring is considered great. I don't think that you're easy because you want to have sex with him. That's just like your choice.

He looks good. He's a little older, more mature, and he's not a gross creep like everybody else on Tinder. Yeah. I don't think you have to say, I want to fuck you. You just have to say, I want to meet you. On Tinder, it's the same thing. Yeah, that's what meeting means. Let's hang out.

Yeah. And if she's asking for my advice, I wouldn't be offended if you said, hey, let's meet up. Right. I think your only problem is like if you say hey i want to have sex with you he'll think you're a bot he won't think you're real that has never happened to me on tinder it's never happened to anyone i know on tinder that's just like let's fuck and a few times it has happened the girl's just like fucking with you right so like you never have to say let's fuck you just have to say let's fuck. You just have to say let's meet.

Just assume that he definitely wants to have sex. Otherwise, why would you guys still be talking? Yeah, not a lot of people use Tinder for friendship relationships. Right. Hey, I'm just looking for a gal pal more than anything else. Hey, I want to sleep with you. No, thanks. I'd like to just continue with the messaging every once in a while. Tell me more about your hobbies.

Although it would scare, it might even scare a guy away to hear that. Well, yeah, I think it makes the stakes a little too high. Like, oh, shit, she wants to get fucked and maybe I'm not going to show up and do a good job.

Right. Also, like, oh, shit, she wants to fuck. Maybe she's, you know, not real because that's something that's never happened. That's not what real people do. Yeah, real girls don't say,

hey, let's meet up and fuck. Though they should be able to. Everyone else, everyone should be able to. But since it's just not the way Tinder's built, it's not the way it's working. Sorry, sister. Sorry, Symmetry. Sorry, Symmetry. So our advice is what?

To fuck him, but just tell him that you want to hang out. And then you guys can get dinner and drinks and then have sex. And it'll be way cooler than just having him come to your apartment or you want to hang out and then you guys can like get dinner and drinks and then have sex. And it'll be way cooler than just, you know, having him come to your apartment or him go to you go to his. On the date, can she say that? Or is it still like, hey, you want to come over? I guess like on the sure. Yeah. On the date, you could say that you say whatever you want, whatever feels authentic, whatever feels good.

And then if he doesn't want to reciprocate, then he won't have to. So that's that's my advice to what you said is me whatever feels good yeah that's the way i live my life baby i'm a pleasure seeker i know that symmetry yeah symmetry breakfast because you said this feels good at the moment yeah but then it doesn't feel good now it doesn't what do i do because i'm a pleasure seeker baby how do i seek pleasure how do i seek respite from this from this sugar-filled stomach ache that is consuming my body now i'm a pleasure seeker yeah is this the this is the chorus to symmetry yeah i'm a pleasure seeker baby so keep on the lookout for that coming in the fall of 29 uh 29 33 it's gonna take us a long

time to write it symmetry uh that's it that's our episode thanks for writing and if you have your own problems hit us up at if i were you show at gmail.com also we start and end every episode with an authentically new, amazingly made theme song submission by one of our talented fans. That first one was from Benjo B., whose Twitter name is KingBenjo. And this last one is by

a young Englishman named William Pell. So thanks, William, and thanks, Benjo, and keep those theme songs coming. Peace. Later. Go, go, email and go, go, go, email and go, go, go, email and go, go, go, email and go, go, if I was you. Hey everybody, it's Nicole Polizzi, but you may know me as Snooki from MTV's Jersey Shore. I totally feel like Snooki doesn't exist anymore, so I want you guys to get to know Nicole. Download my new podcast, Naturally Nicole, at podcastone.com. A lot has changed in my life with becoming a mother, getting married, losing weight, being fit. So be a part of my new, fantastic, fabulous world.

Download Naturally Nicole every Tuesday at podcastone.com. That's podcastone.com. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.