Segments - 86: Instagram (with Hoodie Allen)

Episode Date: June 30, 2014

Rapper/Friend Hoodie Allen joins us to discuss social media, jealousy, and of course, prostitution. This episode is brought to you by LootCrate.com! An epic monthly subscription box for geeks and gamers for under $20. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Super exciting episode. We finally got our boy, our rap teacher, Hoodrow Allen himself. Hoodie Allen, where your aardvarks at?

It's on the show. Where your aardvarks at? And yes, things continue to become real. Enjoy. If I were you, realer than G-sharp, sl continue to become real. Enjoy! He makes the girls so thirsty when they grab his pole to fall And Amir, like a mirror, has reflections They're superior to your mommies or daddies So please just feel inferior to these theories And a hearing, never bias at your hearing Never guards all your silly, unjust, violent queries I pray to Jake and Amir, but in answer never do I hear it

But I still believe in them, like drunk men believe in spirits We're cocaine for ladies, either way they're better than blow Beginning or ending, it doesn't matter if i were you show boom baby holy shit watch the throne don't let him get in the zone they're coming at you hoodie allen hold on hold on that's crazy because yeah i i really you really got your money's worth with all those lessons because that was that was incredible man really i remember when the concept of like timing and precision like that was a you were like i'm never gonna do this i hate i hate to uh to burst your bubble that wasn't jake oh really did you really think it was me i really thought that was you that's the nicest that's a really good compliment but now yeah think about that that doesn't make sense yeah you could never do that yeah i don't have um innate rhythm yeah i don't have a sense of ability oh yeah i really like i

can't even clap and do we will rock you yeah i'll try it right now tell people that was you because i it's already off right we will I lost it after two beats. That was actually a fan named Garrett. Garrett. That's right. Opening every show with an original theme song, and that one was written by our fan Garrett. That one was Garrett.

What did you think of his? I think that that was great for Jake. Garrett does a great Jake. Yeah. Garrett does a pretty good Garrett, but he does a fucking great Jake yeah garrett does a pretty good garrett but he does a great great jake yeah uh how would you how would you rate that you know as a rap smith yourself uh how what would you what would you grade that one how would you feel about amir saying

rap smith yeah as as a rapster well no no what do you call yourself uh a rapper right a musician an artist yeah amir says rapster and rap smith yeah i like rapster or what about rap scallion rap scallion yeah it's really bad it makes me feel like a chameleon yeah like a dirty rascal what like a oh like scallion like scallion yeah yeah it's a it's a scallion rap actually garrett gets an a minus from me that's pretty great because i want to encourage him to continue pushing to be better yeah it's great that he can he could be better a little room for improvement there's always room for we can all we can always learn from each other you know uh so hoodie just to introduce you to some of our fans who might

still for whatever reason not know you you are how would you how would you i don't want to like misspeak or misrepresent you but you're uh you're a rapper yeah i i rap i sing um and i've made three glorious appearances on jake and amir so that's what else you need to know teacher one two and and and three we decided to keep it going in sequential order yeah not to confuse everyone rap teacher one two and seven so that that was a little little released well it's like star wars we started with four five six right we're gonna do one two three you played you played my rap teacher on the show i did and then he played my rap teacher on the show right no no loyalty how did it these hoes ain't loyal these rapsters ain't loyal uh how did how did this start do you remember what the beginning was like how did we meet hoodie yeah i remember oh yeah so do

i let's see if we can both tell the story because you're sort of like a how we met story yeah uh jake your brother listened to my music and he recommended my music to you and you may have said something nice to me on twitter in which return i said oh i like you too yeah let's let's take this weird friendship to irl and see what happens. And then we, uh, and then you got involved and messed it all up. Right. But yeah,

no, it's perfect for a little while. We had you on our show, but you have yet to have us on your, uh, I guess albums. Like where I would love to be a get, like, you know how when,

uh, rapsters have other rapsters on the show. What about when like, there's like comedians who open up rap albums, like it hasn't. No. Have you ever considered doing skits? have other rapsters on the show? What about when there's comedians who open up rap albums? No. Skits. Have you ever considered doing skits?

The albums don't have skits, do they? No, I mean, they totally could. This is a great gesture, and I super appreciate it. That being said, I'd love to rap on your album. I don't want to do a skit. Don't do me that disservice. We didn't invite you to our show

to do rapping. We invited you to do comedy, and thus to reciprocate it. If he rapped, that'd be kind of great. Yeah. I guess he does rap to our show to do rapping. We invite you to do comedy and thus to reciprocate. If he rapped, that'd be kind of great. Yeah. I guess he does rap on our show. But he only raps his answers. Oh, that's the hardest thing ever.

Yeah, because it has to be advice, rhyming advice, freestyle. And I also just told him that I had this idea. You don't necessarily have to do it, though it might be a fun little game to play. Either way, let's at least explain what the show is. It's an advice podcast. It's called The Fiber You Show. It's the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir.

I'm Jake. I'm Woody. Yeah, we have Woody Allen. I'm Woody, bitch. First team, bitch. I hope people know what they're talking about. I'll be so proud. So people email us and we try to answer some questions and give people advice

well i i know this because obviously when i was just on tour i would listen to the podcast in my bunk wow sometimes it helped me go to sleep is that i don't know if that's a compliment or it is because like you know when you're listening to like your soothing voices it just allows me that's really nice just make it real out there there fingering all of your fans, but instead you were just in your bunk. Well, I... I was going to go too far. I like that you have more self-restraint than Jake does already.

You've only been on the show for six minutes and you're already exercising self-restraint more than Jake. I have a filter. I really do. There's some stuff I won't say. A pop filter. Speaking of soothing voices,

I'm really excited to be using these new microphones. What do you think so far, Jake? Yeah, honestly, I didn't even notice. What are you talking about, dude? It looks like the old mic. No, they don't. Is this an endorsement? We're getting paid by whatever these mics are.

The names are here. Worst endorsement ever. It's upside down. You can't read ups. Smurfs is what it looks like. All right, so should we get started should i start reading these questions i'm ready if he's ready um i am ready we're gonna give these real emails from real people fake names to preserve their anonymity what kind of what sort of theme

of fake names can you come up with names for us who drew so you want to have a like a consistency and theme to to the names we're going to use or you could just make them up at random i'd love to do that okay i think the first one should be it's a guy alabaster alabaster alabaster mcallister so quick oh my god you need to have a full name alabaster mcallister i feel so bad it's it's a female alabaster mcallister alabaster mcall. Why did her last name change? Female. A female last name. It's like in Iceland. All right. Ready? Yeah.

Dear guys, my boyfriend of eight months has been away on a Euro trip for the past week. We have spoken every night and promised to be faithful to each other. Yesterday, he was acting weird when talking about Amsterdam. I went on his Facebook. He had given me his password and I found out that he had paid 30 euros to sleep with a prostitute in the red light district. What's my next move?

Should I end it, ignore it, or forgive him? Thanks. Alabastra. Alabastra McAlistra. Wow. Tough stuff situation. Stuff situation. Hmm. mccallister wow tough stitch stuff stuff situation oh amir broke stuff situation um hmm well first thoughts my first thoughts well you know there's you got to be delicate about this one it was a real situation but like you know my first thought is that i don't believe

it's real yeah well okay i'm gonna go with it uh she she did go on to his facebook so this is something this is her information she knows something that he doesn't know that she knows that's right um she's we need to see we need to really she needs to play it out a little bit in my opinion and see if he's going to uh bring it up like if he's gonna admit to it let's let's you won't you don't think so no you don't sleep with a prostitute until your girlfriend this is like this is his way of hopefully cheating without necessarily the emotional attachment. Maybe he'll feel super guilty. She said he was acting weird.

Maybe he was just... It'll come out. Oh, so what, are you going to give him a week and then be like, if he doesn't bring it up, then we're going to break up, but if he does bring it up, then maybe he's an honest guy. It would be kind of her to break up with him now, so the rest of his time in Europe he could fuck prostitutes guilt-free. That's true.

She's being a little bit selfish at the moment. Super selfish. I don't think there's much coming back from that, though. Oh, if you're a girl. She's never going to be content with knowing that information. Yeah, that's not okay. She can't just not ever bring it up. That's insane.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, I'll just ever bring it up that's insane yeah just never oh yeah i'll just never bring it up here's the thing that i picked out from that is um is it weird to promise someone that you'll be faithful if they're your boyfriend or girlfriend or is that yeah shouldn't that promise be implicit yeah it's just unsaid right it was like i'm gonna go to europe and i promise you i won't cheat on you as soon as it's brought up yeah that's a that's a serious i think that's like the trust should be inherent by then you shouldn't be like i won't cheat on you while i'm there yeah if you promise that you won't cheat on someone you probably already have right and if you're not going to

cheat on someone you don't have to promise because it's such a foregone conclusion that's romantic yeah i would say that's true that's our first true statement of the day. Brought to you by Smurf Microphone. That's my first Smurf Microphone fact that is true of the day. We're going to go seven more. Would you consider that more or less damaging than cheating on a girl with not a prostitute? I don't really think that there's a difference. You think cheating with a random girl at a bar

is just as bad as cheating with a prostitute? Ask me next. I have a response. I was talking to her. You never ask me shit. You ask her guest questions. I'm ready to talk. I know you are because you interrupted.

I just have a response. I know and we'll get to it but I just want to hear I know you are because you interrupted I just have a response I know and we'll get to it but I just want to hear him out for a second cheating is cheating? disagree for the following reasons I know if you're going to say this is some sort of business arrangement and therefore it's different

I think you have to come down to the intent and the action and it's the same in both situations. All right, go. Hit me. You know what? I could debate you or I could rap battle you. Holy shit.

Is this happening? Yeah. Oh, you're going to drop a bomb-ass chorus on me before you – Anyway, I choose debate. Oh, okay. Thank God. Well, I think that there's like some level of when you cheat, there's sort of like, this can't be an illicit affair because it's a whore that he has to pay. Because there's no emotional cheating to this is what you're saying.

Well, yeah, it was like a totally physical thing. This girl, or this, sorry, this whore that he slept with. This whore woman. Can prostitutes be offended if you call them whores is that a derogatory term i think it's still mean yeah yeah i feel bad yeah it's really saying the word whore makes me feel really uh bad it's the hard r sound yeah whore yeah how about ho so this slut these whores ain't loyal these oh god this um prostitute which is also a pretty derogatory term right what are we what's the

nicest way to call a woman a woman a night walker yeah a night walker a sex artist a sartist a sartorial artisan like she's a subway employee for sex yeah so show time she anyway uh she was paid to fuck him so she isn't like in love with him she's not going to keep on fucking him so this is like at least a one-time thing that he did in amsterdam versus like when he was home bored didn't want to be with his girlfriend started cheating on her yeah it's almost one level above masturbation right you could just using instead of like your hand he used another vagina yeah you paid for a vagina to have. Right. Well, so...

And also, you have to take into account that it's Amsterdam. Partly, it's the experience of going to the red light district and having sex with a whore. Right. What? You said whore again? No. I know people who have done this. Prostitutes? Do you guys know people who have been in

this situation uh yes i know people that have had sex with prostitutes i know people that have had sex with prostitutes in the red light district in amsterdam and would you consider that cheating yeah obviously right uh yeah yeah it's still it's definitely cheating i'm just not sure that it's like worse than um the other kind of cheating. This is just a sex cheat. Emotional cheat is pretty fucked up. So emotional and sex, that's the worst kind of cheat. Then an emotional cheat is pretty bad.

And then a sex cheat is pretty bad. Can I just bring up one other fact in this? She said he was gone for a week. What's wrong with this dude? It wasn't like he took a semester abroad and he's like, damn, I got like he was just like i'm in europe for seven days i don't care about anyone else but myself right he's kind of a selfish dude alabaster hit me up if you want a real man in your life alabaster oh yeah he was only he's only going it's the boyfriend of eight months but he's only been on a euro trip for a week yeah like damn and it looks like he just didn't even make it two days it's like two days into the trip giving facebook password and like oh shit i already

i got out of here i gotta that wasn't smart of him to give his girlfriend his facebook password yeah and have a conversation but is he facebook messaging with the prostitute how does she was negotiating the rate yeah like over facebook or is he telling all his friends out of this 30 euros seems a lot he he poked her. That's what it was. He probably just poked her. 30 euros is actually pretty good. Yeah, it's like 50 bucks. Just to have sex?

Yeah. That's amazing. We live in the coolest time. Would you have sex with a prostitute or are you past that age? I feel like I told the story on the podcast where I tried to get a blowjob from a prostitute. Right, but nowadays. Oh, nowadays? Yeah. Yeah, no, I don't think I would would i think that it's like pussy i'll fuck a prostitute tonight as long as you don't call me

that again uh yeah it seems like what about you hood no i i wouldn't do that but would you have ever you don't seem like the kind of guy that would have ever had sex with a prostitute. You got that neurotic Jewish thing that I have. Like it's too scary and dangerous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is weird because you're like – you got that neurotic Jewish thing called Jewish. You're a really – you're a handsome artist, but you're a nerdy like a mirror on the inside. Yeah. Oh, totally.

Oh, that's what it is. Also, there's no like – there's no achievement to it, right? Like you don't have to really work hard to get the – I mean, unless you don't have money, you need to work hard to get the money to then get the change. Yeah, which is kind of a cool reward. Yeah, and like, oh, man, I saved up all weekend working at the Sizzler so I could bang this prostitute. But there's no chase to it. So are you kind of like that with strip clubs too where you're like, why is this fun?

Why is this enjoyable? I am so awkward and uncomfortable at strip clubs. Yeah, I think there's a correlation there to not that i've been to many but like if they come to talk to you i'm like please stop i'm not interested in in this dialogue that we that we may have to enter into oh man uh if you got a friend who's like super super comfortable at strip clubs gotta question that friend like why are you so why are you so good here why are you so good at this and where does that mean you're bad? So just to bring it back to this lady,

what's my next move? I think the next move, if I were you, is to bring it up. Because it seems like it's going to fester and destroy the relationship. Yeah, especially if he gave you the password. So it's not even like, I looked through your phone, I know I shouldn't have.

It seems like they had this kind of relationship where he was like, you can log on to my Facebook. And that's have she's it seems like they had like this kind of relationship where he was like you can log on to my facebook and that's what she found i think she should post a facebook status on his page oh that says i'm an idiot who fucks strippers or prostitutes that's amazing and like tag his mom and dad in the post yeah and then like that's what she should do that's like a really cool meme so it gets a lot of likes yeah like it's patrick stewart talking to the camera and says why the fuck on the top and then at the bottom it says did i fuck a prostitute in amsterdam when i have a relationship yeah like they have like the good like bad guy

whatever his name is they'll make a bad guy meme of him yeah it'll go on the confident post yeah so many views and he'll regret that 30 you want to create a meme start an actual new one that yeah like there's good there's good guy greg right yeah he's gonna be like bad guy i'm gonna call him miles yeah yeah that's the vibe i was getting that's a bad bad guy miles miles in alabastria real power couple goes on goes on eurotrip well this prostitute there's already a scumbag steve so i'm afraid that i like bad guy miles anyway bad guy miles so what would you do if you were her that's what i would do oh you would fuck with him i would just the revenge and then never talk again that is it is good to like have a a guilt-free ability to take revenge on someone like you don't really get that very often you don't get that

opportunity in your life to just be really mean and fucked up but it's like no one would take his side against you right this is like a she could punch him in the face and everyone would be like that's cool yeah you should punch him in the face have you thought about that yeah like that's awesome how how often do you get to punch someone in the face and like if anybody asks what like you punched him in the face why like he had sex with a prostitute in amsterdam like oh good for you yeah it's almost like congratulations they want people want you to punch him world starstar it, though. Yeah, worldstarhiphop.com.

What is it? You don't know? Oh, man, Jake. That bum fights, though. You don't know what worldstar is? No. Bum fights? No, it's just like ridiculous videos of people doing hood rat things with their friends.

And you go in there and like you see like if someone punches another dude out and there's like five dudes of cameras going around yelling world star world star and like you just make you just clown on people basically yeah that sounds like a great site why is that hip-hop i don't understand the hip-hop correlation they also put music videos on there so it's that and also uh music videos it's it's just a great website that's their business plan yeah you should get them to sponsor the show. All right, next question. Yeah.

This one is from a guy. Let's call him Alabaster. Let's call him Miles. Maybe my girlfriend just found out. The other guy in this problem. Give him the opposite advice. Don't tell her, dude. Paint your Facebook password.

I told her to post the status. Oh, shit. Yeah yeah this is advice for him uh do you have a name or you want to go with miles oh uh no no no we already used miles um this is going to be dick cheneyberg oh i like that inspired by a real person yeah who mark zuckerberg yeah yeah dick cheneyberg writes hey guys when my girlfriend gets annoyed at me for stuff like not putting enough photos of her on my Instagram, she does this thing where she walks on the other side of the sidewalk at least a meter or two away from me. If I try to walk next to her, she moves even further away and leaves me feeling like some kind of stalker. Is it weird or is it just me? I don't see the value of social sites and apps like ig but maybe i'm wrong

would love to hear your opinion over and out love dick cheneyberg that's the weirdest thing i've ever heard i think the weirdest thing about that was the metric system use in the beginning but a lot of our fans are british yeah or british colombian or colombian or just not american but like why tell us about what she does when she's mad well that's the question is it weird that she does it and i think i thought it was is it weird that she gets mad yeah is it it's obviously weird that she does this thing where she walks on the other side of the sidewalk i guess yeah that is well yeah that's also weird so but uh is is it weird or is it just him it's just so specific to be like she she goes to the other side of the sidewalk two meters ahead of me like it doesn't

matter what she does right well yeah well it sort of it paints a picture a little bit more yeah you can tell exactly what kind of mean mad she is that's true would you say this is a big deal the posting not posting enough photos of her on instagram it's one of those things that like oh the other night when i was in new york i saw like the beginning of the best fight like these two people they're walking ahead of uh was it on world star hip-hop yeah they should do they should do world world star uh world star hip-hop but for like passive aggressive normal people fighting. Yeah.

Yeah. I like that. Whatever discussion they were having had come to a head. This girl stopped. She just looked at the dude. She's like, I want you to unfollow her on Instagram. And he said back, I'm not going to do that. Yes.

Dude. And I was just like, their night sucks. Friday night, that's the beginning of the night. This is the fight. Oh, it sucks so much. I bet that comes up a lot probably, right? That's so real. I think so, yeah.

Yeah, that is very real. But it's weird because it's so, so small. And yet it's not nothing, though. But if she was like, I want, like, all right, so say this girl is his ex, right? Yeah. I want you to unfollow her. Like, yeah, of course. No.

Okay, sure. I was just still following her. Unfollow. That's it. Conversation over. Or maybe she's, like, a big enough person that she's like, I don't care who she follows on Instagram. Like, we're walking on the street right now.

Right. So she doesn't bring it up. Same thought. That's good. That's beautiful. But then, like, these beautiful but then like these two like these two people coming at each other that stubbornness

it's so detrimental well if you have to ask someone to unfollow somebody then it's not even like even if they do it it's not good it's like oh I did it just for you are you happy now but I think that's fine if he like really didn't care then he I don then he it's i

don't know it's a 2014 problem right i don't want you to look at photos that your ex-girlfriend took we don't even know that this is an ex-girlfriend right just be like melanie iglesias or something like that it's rihanna yeah rihanna i was just trying to get melanie iglesias might listen and then she's going to be impressed her name dropped yeah melanie iglesias i don't know she's going to be impressed when her name drops. Who is Melanie Iglesias? I don't know. She's really popular on Instagram.

Really? I don't know this because I don't follow her. A lot of my friends do. Yeah. Have you ever... I was reaching for our phones. Melanie Iglesias. I feel like this is a very...

I can speak to this because I have a problem with social media that I don't think you guys have the same problem, which is I'm always on my phone and always looking at this but this is like oh well you're way more popular like you have hundreds of thousands of fans on twitter and instagram right yes yes i do i really do so this is a big it's a big part of your life no but at the same time i think

jake wrote this question yeah yeah jake nailed it on the head though neither people should neither neither people neither neither i think i don't know i think they both work either Jake hit on this question. Yeah. Yeah. Jake nailed it on the head though. Neither people should, neither, neither people, neither, neither. I think, I don't know. I think they both work either.

They shouldn't care. This is the point. Or either, either, neither, neither of them should care because it's so small and insignificant. And it just, it just shines a light on how like we put a big magnifying glass on,

on things like who you follow on instagram or how many pictures you take of somebody on instagram is reflective of like how much you care or how much you love someone or don't i mean like it's it's very strange but now that's how we operate because we're always looking at our phones and using that as a metric for like right relevance and but it since we are it's it almost makes sense that she would get mad if only all that only oh i think here's what here's what i think if he's like taking pictures all the time of like dogs and food and like his car and he's posting all that shit and she's like why are you not proud of me you're proud of like your car you're proud of these dogs but you like don't

want to share me with anybody then like maybe i would be like i don't think i could ever be so upset that i'd bring it up but i'd be like ah like that hurts me a little bit it would bother you maybe in some really really real i'm not me but i can i can see a world where here's where she's valid we were sorry continue i'm just saying it sounds like he doesn't post anything on Instagram. So she shouldn't be so upset. If anything, this guy should just delete Instagram and be like, you know what? I don't even have the app anymore. So who are you mad at now? I don't even exist.

She leaves him. Well, I don't want to fucking date someone without an IG account. Fuck, dude. We grew up pre-Instagram. So for us, Instagram is not a huge part of our lives if you're like between the ages of 13 and 18 instagram is all you know so instagram is like the new whatever it's the way to like uh display any emotion so like for some people and it's not even instagram it's like i don't know what are kids using these days yo instagram is like the new hamsterdance.com

what's the oh my god i'm so old right now all i want to know is no one's gonna understand that What are kids using these days? Yo. Instagram is like the new hamsterdance.com. What's the, oh my God, I'm so old right now. All I want to say is Squirtz. No one's going to understand that. Snapchat. No, Snapchat is huge. People all have Snapchat. Are they already? Snapchat is, I would almost say, is so next that it's ridiculous.

Really? Next? Wait. Like it's going to overtake Instagram. Oh, yeah, yeah. Snapchat's not going anywhere. Really? Yeah.

What about Kik? K-I-K. You use that? No, I don't. That's like the next level below. That's yeah, yeah. Snapchat's not going anywhere. Really? Yeah. What about Kik? K-I-K. Use that? No, I don't. That's like the next level below. That's the minor leagues. That's the minor leagues. I don't understand how Snapchat has any staying power.

It's the most boring app. It literally disappears after six seconds. The app should also go away that fast. No, now it's like 24 hours. Oh, really? For like people. Oh, because you consent because you can do group. You consent to everybody and you can show off your little... Moments. Whatever you your little moments your life without it being spammy because it goes away right i can't justify snapchat i just

know that kids have like very short do you snapchat no but i i know that kids have very short attention spans and like yeah the shorter the better i read an article that like uh because i read i can read i read i read a tweet actually that was pretty interesting yeah i read a tweet on an app somewhere about snapchat that said like some teacher was like this is the most disruptive thing that's ever happened in a classroom in my 25 years of teaching oh i can't imagine being a teacher right now every kid has an iphone under the debt like we were already distracted with ti83 yeah like paper games like that like if you actually had a phone you'd be done there's no way

you're you're trying to teach kids about history kids are gonna be so stupid so bad we're already pretty dumb imagine how dumb they're gonna be uh so has this ever happened to you like somebody getting mad at you about an instagram related um issue i yeah kind of i mean i know that i can't liking or just following well just the idea of not posting a picture of, of your girlfriend, but you spend a lot of time posting pictures of yourself. That's not a super admirable trait apparently.

So, so I'm working towards that. I'm working towards my maturity on that. And also, well, it's kind of separate from Instagram, but I did get yelled at a little bit for taking pictures with fans, but at a, at a little bit for taking pictures with fans but at a baseball

game but not interested in taking pictures with like with my girlfriend at that same baseball game i was like oh i don't like i just don't like taking pictures but then like a fan would come up and be like yeah well here's the thing you're which i think i was wrong for but still your instagram like do you consider it the steven instagram or the hoodie allen instagram because those are like two different people. Yeah. Maybe that's my multiple personality for people listening who don't know. So your Instagram is more towards your career. So that's why you post pictures of fans and shows and not necessarily a picture of like your mom or dad.

Yeah. I don't know. It's a weird place, right? Because where do the lines blur in general for people on what they should and shouldn't? Well, you're really good. You're really good at social media. Like what's what advice would you have like what are your tips like you want more twitter followers well you little asshole i think we could be better at engaging our i think we do a pretty good job and then you're like one level above that you respond to

almost every tweet correct well i've responded to like a lot right i wouldn't say every tweet but um here's a good metric is how many times you've tweeted. No, don't do that. No, because this is not just like you trying to be funny. This is like how many times you've replied to people. It sounds stupid. See, like just as a good litmus test, our account, the Jake and Amir slash my account, 4,600 tweets. Yeah.

So that seems like a lot, a lot of fan interaction. Then I go to hoodie allen it's gonna be so bad wait we did i did four yeah 4600 4600 do you know what you're at yeah 146,000 that's correct 146,000 tweets 25 30 times 40 times what we have yeah but you know what though honestly i just i only really tweet when i'm pooping and i just poop a lot so that's what it is even more fiber that's just a lot of poop tweets fiber one bars and you know but you're great at responding and in and like involving your fans i mean this is ridiculous it's crazy it takes so much time and effort but your fans love it that's

the thing it's really confusing or maybe it does i don't know i really do it in like downtime i think i do it instead of having conversations with actual people in the real world but do you do it as a chore like i better respond or like you actually love interacting with your no i really like doing it except when people are being mean then i'm like oh damn when they're being mean are you mean back are you like yeah oh i sass the shit out of them oh really yeah and then i regret it because you can't win an argument on the internet with anyone. Because even if you burn someone so badly, they just go, I'm 15 and you're arguing with a 15-year-old. And you're like, damn it. I lose again.

I lose life. Damn. We tend to just ignore the haters. Although, remember when Gary. You guys don't have haters. We have haters. We have some haters. Remember when Gary Vaynerchuk.

Like Aziz Ansari. And they're like, boo, we hate you. No, it's more like you guys aren't funny. It is Aziz Ansari. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah he's trolling us oh really he's all the accounts I would love that

but Gary Vaynerchuk who's also super into social media told us like if you go in there and talk to the haters you can like convert them into fans

yeah so we started doing that not all the time but sometimes when people are like write something I think I did it on like Reddit before

people were like hating on this video and i like responded in the comments like very earnestly just being like hey i don't know why you guys hate it i really like it here's what i thought was funny yeah they're saying wow i respect you so much thank you for talking every comment after that was just like they were just like all humans because they realized that like i was in there reading but when when you don't think anyone's reading it's like talking about somebody behind their back they're like they don't think they were reading the comments don't think you're a

real person yeah it becomes a point where it's just like you're not real so we can just say whatever right you're an idea and then you just like poke your head in the room you're like hey i hear you guys talking about me oh fuck we're sorry we're sorry we're sorry no no we like you it's just that with this one video and and and yeah that's so true um these ones are stop trolling them all right come on dude people uh what's this guy's specific question is it normal that she's so i think it's really just it's one of those like pick your battle things if it's so easy to just be like okay yeah sure pictures with her and because it doesn't matter at all it doesn't matter it's meaningless. Your followers won't give a fuck.

It'll make your girlfriend happy and that's it. The end. Post three pictures of her. He'll get laid and he won't have to spend 30 euro in Amsterdam the next time he's there.

There you go. Callback to a former joke. I like that. That's a deep pull. I like that. Jesus. But then the alternative is like if he doesn't,

if he like really doesn't like social media it's not about his girlfriend you just you should just tell her that it's i don't know don't be the guy who says i'm not going to unfollow her yeah i'm not gonna do that i'm not gonna do so it's not weird that she's asking that that's the new normal i do think it's kind of the new normal and not necessarily that she wants it's it's weird if she's like post like a picture of me every single day but like right just want a couple in a relationship i feel like people like i would like you to i'd like to feel like you're excited by me you know you're the one who said that he would never announce on facebook that he was in a relationship

yeah i don't think i would do that yeah well that's the same thing what if somebody got mad at you about that i guess i would just be like it i think i'd show my love in enough other ways like instagram yeah look at how many instagram pictures we have hawking every social media i gotta be a free bird yeah at least on twitter you get to choose two out of the three like a grab bag no whammies uh all right third question question the third uh we need another dude's We need another dude's name. Oh, another dude's name. Clint. You guys don't know, but I edited out 75 minutes of silence before that.

It was close to a feature-length film worth of silence. He took a long walk. He came back, sat down, still couldn't come up with anything. That was four seconds. I must be really bad at sex. Clint writes, So I found myself in a conundrum. I'm just starting college and have only had sex three times

and feel it's important for some reason to keep track of all my sexual partners because I take having sex pretty seriously. Recently, a girl invited me over and as we were hooking up, I tried to take off her pants, but she wouldn't let me. We then proceeded to quite literally have sex with our clothes on. She was riding my dick, and we weren't even kissing, and she was topless. Just literally having sex. She rode me furiously until I ejaculated all over her couch, and then until she finished. We basically had sex, right?

My question is, should I count this experience as having sex, even though technically there wasn't quote-unquote penetration per se? And should I add this girl to the list of sexual partners I had? Does it technically count? Thanks for the advice. I'm your biggest fan. Love you guys. Love, Clint. I'm so glad I chose Clint now because it's so appropriate.

I like that he's leading us. He's like, we literally had sex. Do you guys, would you count it technically? Keep in mind, we literally did. You didn't literally have sex. You liar. It was the opposite of literal sex. That was figurative to be sure.

Literally having sex. Yeah. It almost should count because it sounds like it was a very painful and chafing experience that he occurred that was probably way less pleasurable might as well be sex pretty cool that she got very seriously remember that he takes his very seriously he takes sex very seriously yeah i think whether or not you take sex seriously everybody likes to have that number in their brain whether you take sex seriously or not. I feel like three times already.

I feel like that's pretty good. You shouldn't be stressing too bad. Yeah, you could take one off. You don't need this one. You don't need this W. I mean, you guys hooked up, so maybe you still can have sex with her. Just don't count it yet. Yeah, yeah. Because then when you actually have sex, you'll be not that excited.

It didn't happen yet. That's just a fact. Your penis wasn't in her vagina. That's what sex is. Sex wasn't in her vagina that's what sex sex isn't coming because then you have sex every time you masturbate right oh if by his metric is like oh yeah there was enough friction and i ejaculated that's sex right so let's say this happened uh sex but you couldn't get it up or it couldn't stay hard so it penetrated that but you didn't come yep i mean you shouldn't count it just out of pride right yeah i don't know that seems like sex without coming is different than

sex with like losing your erection and not coming i don't know i need more information all right uh you have an erection on the phone let's just say you have an erection but you can't ejaculate because the condom is uh prohibiting you what condom condom oh yeah that rubber that you wear to prevent sexually transmitted diseases yeah what i mean even if you don't use them surely you'd know what they are right excuse? Excuse me? You can't hear anything I'm saying then. It's such a foreign concept. Yeah, I think I would consider that sex if you fuck without coming, but they're still fucking. Yeah.

So that's sex. Penetration is sex. Ejaculation, not so much. Yeah. Sir? Judge number two? I agree 100%. I don't know why this kid is so eager to

to count every time he like gets close to a girl he's gotta relax clint relax man relax you're gonna have plenty of sex not if you have that attitude though all right that's true take a girl maybe he's gonna be so good at dry humping that that's gonna be his reputation i feel like he hasn't heard of dry humping that's what it sounded be his reputation. Yeah, I feel like he hasn't heard of dry humping. That's what it sounded like from the... He's never heard of dry humping. That's exactly what it was. It's like this counts too, right? How do you go from like he's never had... He's never had dry humping.

He's had sex, but he's never had dry humping. He's never dry humped anybody. Well, he's literally... They literally had sex. Maybe he's never had sex and this is kind of literally what it's always been. Yeah, so that makes four literal sexes and zero of the actual kind.

So we're not counting it. Of course not. Survey says not counting it, Clint. Clint. You didn't have sex. All right. There it is. Let's take our break.

Let's chill out a little bit. Thank God. What have you been up to, dude? What's new? Yeah, what would you say? What's Gucci? What's Gucci? Oh, you know, just doing some new music and stuff like that.

Well, let's say since your last appearance on Jake and Amir, what's your schedule? Like a couple months of writing, a couple months of touring, and then alternate between the two? Basically, more or less. You know, there's been like, I get a lot of people at my shows who always ask me to play the aardvark rap in some sense, or they just yell at me. Do you ever rap about aardvarks rap in some sense or they just or they just yell at me

do you ever rap about aardvarks at your shows sometimes they'll do the whole rap in front of me i don't do it at the shows but like they'll do the whole thing yeah not during the show i mean like in the line or something yeah in the line and then they'll be like they'll just come up to me they'll shake my hand and be like what's like how cold is aardvark come and i'll just be like coldest and then they then they come in their pants and they ask if it was sex. But no, so we've been, yeah, I've been getting a lot of requests to do a part four. I keep telling people it's happening, it's happening.

It hasn't happened. We should do it. Yeah, but... It's happening. But I just tell them it's happening. Let's make the announcement right now. Holy shit, it's happening. It's gonna happen.

We're literally gonna do it. We're literally having part four happen. should do that when are you in la next because you can't you can't do in the next two days i don't know maybe i can let's not let's not tease the people because i hear this they're gonna they're not gonna be satisfied all right you heard it here first it's coming out tuesday no no no no no tomorrow that's right tomorrow we have to stop this by the time you hear this it's already out if it's not your internet is broke you just did a cool tour where you instead of trying to sell as many tickets as possible to every show you capped it at 500

yeah which for you is small for us would be it's still an enormous show but for you like you sold out within a couple minutes the entire tour right yeah as we alluded to amir i have i have a lot of yeah yeah i mean i mean just look at your tweets you're already working at 35x our popularity so it's not really fair to compare but you you did something interesting that you were talking to me earlier about you did the meet and greet before the show you met every single fan of the show before the show yeah so it was a whole like meet and greet tour it's what what people would call like an underplay because it's you know it's smaller than than the usual show and i wanted to do that so i met every single person who got a ticket to the show which was um pretty awesome a lot of purell involved in this process um but it was awesome but yeah we did that before so like they

would come and do the doors they'd basically meet me. And then at some point, I would run away, take a quick poop, change my clothes. Send out 1,000 tweets. Send out about 40 tweets during that time. And then I'd get on stage and perform. And then the show is done, go home. See, our fear of meeting people before the show is that when we go on stage, we want that to be the first time people see us. But you said people were even more excited to see you after the meet and greet.

Well, I think just because of the nature of the whole thing, they were even more excited and they were just excited to be there. But, and I don't know if this happens to you, but no one expects me to be funny or to do anything. So I don't know if people meet you and they're like, tell me a joke, clown. And like, is that a thing that happens?

Like they want you to be like hilarious clown but yeah we should rap in the line that's what we should do we should show off some other skill that sometimes yeah if we're just tipsy enough we do start rapping for no particular reason but like is that a thing is it because they want like great impression beforehand and then you're like well i'm i got a show to do like the show is the focus not the yeah well we're just we just we just don't want to you just hate your fans yeah that's right yeah i hate our fans uh well i don't know why we don't do it before i guess because like it seemed when we do it it seems so like disorderly it's like as people are

leaving it seems i don't know how we could do like an hour before the show then people sit down then we go backstage i'm too nervous before a show I don't think anybody would want to meet me there. Yeah, that's another thing. It's like a good, cool... I'm not a good... I don't like performing very much, so I need to be... I get in my head before. Yeah, I think doing it after is actually normal.

So I definitely like the... This was like a... Was it an experiment? It was an experiment. Successful? I think so. Do it again? Definitely.

But your next tour is not going to be Captain 500. No. Definitely sometime in the future, but not tomorrow. I don't know. I think people appreciate, I'm sure people appreciate meeting you at any point in time, whether it's before or afterwards or in the parking lot. As long as it's in a parking lot. Yeah. They're stalking you. As long as it's in a parking lot,

they don't care when. Yeah. Yeah. When they follow you home and all that stuff. Stab you. Who's a better rapper, me or Jake? Clint.

That's hard. You know, I think, Amir, I think you have an edge edge i think you have a little bit of an edge but that's that hurts fucked you know what jake's edge is jake is better at uh freestyling coming up with uh lines off the top of his head and i have like the other side which is your technical skills yeah like my natural ability like if i had your creativity with my natural ability or you had

my ability with your creativity yeah like when you did that i think i have ability but i see what you're saying yeah wishing that you had my creativity like when you did that spoken word thing it was so slow you're able to take your time no that's pretty fast that was it was really fast are you a good freestyler do you have to be a good freestyler to be a good rapper you don't have to be but i do think that freestyling is an important aspect of it and it's fun like it shouldn't be so serious do you ever freestyle during a show um sometimes when i forget the lyrics to a song in like the middle of it and i want to play it off like i didn't forget the lyrics to my own song i just like break into a freestyle and i make sure to

mention the city i'm like oh singing a song and then i'm like ah detroit is in the house hopefully we're in detroit otherwise regardless of where you are detroit every time it's always detroit so yeah i mean no there there were times when i play college shows i sometimes do this still where like i would do a freestyle that was like relevant and dedicated to the crowd you know sort of making them seem like we're on the same page like we're all in this together you know like real men you don't know me yet but i know all about you that's like let's be friends it's like the comedy equivalent of crowd work which always does really well because it's like oh you're making it a personal event for these

people no people love like freestyles about them like you mentioned like they're like the place where they go eat pizza at night and they're like, fuck, yeah, that is where I eat pizza. I eat all the pizza there. Yeah. And then it's just like you have them hooked. Should we freestyle or is that going to be embarrassing? No, let's freestyle.

Should we read the next question and freestyle the answer? Question four. That's going to be a lot of pressure done whatever dude let's do it wait so who's where we get all three of us gonna take turns rapping yeah i'll go first okay so hoodie will do your beat okay you do my beat and i'll do hoodie's beat thanks awesome okay here we go uh yeah this guy is whoa this is weird p all right i'll get to it give me a man's name a man's name uh geronifeld what wow it's like if my last name was also a giraffe hey guys i'm emailing because recently i was pressured into launching a compressed air cartridge in the middle of class

my friend said it would be hashtag dope and it wouldn't go anywhere it would just die down and spin on the ground a lot but it freaking flew i mean it went crazy all over the classroom and it almost hit a kid i received a couple days suspension for it but i could have received more if it hit someone okay now to the problem some of the kids in class are afraid of me and this and some think they can just get me to do whatever by asking me enough times and convincing me that it'll be okay. How do I make the scared kids trust me again? How do I make the other kids stop pressuring me into situation? Thanks. P.S. You should definitely have Hoodie Allen on for an episode. What? That's amazing. Did you know that? No. Yo, my fans are crazy. That's awesome. All right.

I want to update. Oh, no. You say your thing. I'll get my beat ready. Okay. And... Cool. Okay. Here we go now.

Brothers. Detroit's in the house. Yo. Okay. You got an air cartridge. You are a partridge. Detroit's in the house! Yo, okay. You got an air cartridge. You are a partridge. Hold on, hold on.

Here we go. Here it is. This is what it is. This is for real. Hey, kid, you don't always have to do what people say. Not every... You're trolling me, dude. No, you're so funny man you should do jokes

keep going yo okay yo Jake Detroit's in the building here it goes okay yo boy you are cool whether or not they tell you that at school you don't have to worry about what people

think you don't have to worry about what people think. You don't have to worry about what they drink. Soda, juice, water, tea. You are cool to your mother, to me. I'm still going, dude. Yo, okay? You. Oh, believe in yourself, motherfucker. My name's Jake.

My name's Jake, bitch. J Money, J Money, J Money. Sucking titties. Sucking titties, licking clitties. Jay, bitch. Jay Money, Jay Money, Jay Money. Sucking titties. Sucking titties, licking clitties. Oh, shit, man. I'm launching into my other pre-sale. Yeah, it sounded like it. We out.

And then you have to do an explosion noise. I did it. He just kept going. It was like 10 seconds ago. I got really excited. He survived the blast like a cockroach. Here we go. You got some really good advice. Yeah, that was pretty good. Listen to the lyrics. Not just the soda. Not just the dope flow. He survived the blast like a cockroach. Here we go. You. That was just some really good advice.

Yeah, that was pretty good. Listen to the lyrics. Not just the dope flow. Listen to the lyrics. Soda, water, coffee. Pass the dope flow. I thought you were going to be like, soda, water, coffee, wine. The favorite drinks of a high schooler.

All right. Spritzers. So my turn? Yeah. But you have to give me the beat. That's your answer? Yeah, I guess just like don't worry about what people think. You shouldn't be peer pressured into doing things because you think it'll be cool.

Okay. All right. I should. Okay. Here we go. What was this guy's name? Geronifeld. Geronifeld.

Hey, it's Amir Blumenfeld going at you live, going to give you some reassurance. Don't worry about the peer pressure or your parents or your moms or your peers. Don't fear. Just have no fear because Amir is here, Geronifeld. It's Blumenfeld. Here's my advice, okay? Don't subscribe to magazines like Vice.

Don't subscribe to ideas like Don't Kill Mice. Do what you want to do and not what you don't. Do what you can and not what you won't. You want to understand what you can't do, so please just stay in school, dude. Stay in school, dude. Gotta stay in school, babe. You've got to stay in school, dude.

Don't be a bitch. Or drop out. Third verse. Woody Allen. Oh, shit. There's actual pressure to be good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is you.

Well, at least to live up to the bar that we set. Yeah. Possibly high. I might fall under it. All right. Now I got to give you the beat. Give me the beat, though. Give me the beat, though. Give me the beat, though.

Ready? Oh, yeah. I'm ready. Trap shit. Real talk, motherfucker. Geronifeld, listen up. Yo, you're crazy forever. All your friends gonna hate you.

What you gonna do? Probably go on a date, dude, with mad chicks. You All your friends gonna hate you. What you gonna do? Probably go on a date, dude, with mad chicks. You're the scary-ass kid. All them wanna suck your fat-ass dick. Yeah, I heard your dick's fat. I heard it's nice and juicy. All the kids is cool. They love fucking your dick.

This is what I'm saying. Don't even worry. Shoot everybody. Shoot everybody. Whoa! Holy shit. Whoa. That was amazing.

And the advice was on point too. No. Wow. She's so real. So basically what I'm saying, what i meant with all that was that like embrace your new role and live that shit up and just be the bad dude because honestly the kids who are scared of you are always gonna be scared of you and the kids are gonna make you do stuff you just give into the peer pressure and basically who cares if you fail out of school like this is

your new role now wow also don't hurt anybody would you say is the theme hurt like the small small people but like the big people leave them alone or hurt one big dude and then no other big dudes will message it's like you're thinking yeah it was like prison yeah that's another that's actually another verse that i was i've been watching a lot of orange is the new black yeah i apologize hyper yeah the pied piper uh yeah that's it that was great thank you Hoodie your debut much appreciated thanks for coming thanks for coming on the show

that's all? yeah can you believe this has already lasted close to an hour? we had fun in time flies when we're having fun

do you have to plug anything? you're already more famous than we'll ever be yeah no I don't need to plug anything but I'm super glad that you guys had me over to your

humble abode and we got to do this. No doubt. And, you know, like Rap Teacher Part 4 dropping tomorrow. Oh, shit. Yeah. Sign online right now. Look on your Tinders. Yeah.

Streaming live. Swipe it. Swipe right for us. That's how Tinders work. Yeah. Live streaming on Tinder. Wouldn't it be cool if your profile picture could be a video? Tinder. Y'all are

listening up oh like an animated gif at the very least yeah video like an like those old dating videos they made in the 80s yeah uh if you have your own questions you can email us at if i were you show at gmail.com hoodie might not answer them but we probably will well i shouldn't say probably odds are pretty slim there's thousands of questions. We'll try. And you can also submit theme songs. That first one was written by Garrett, not Jake. Garrett. So thank you so much. And this last one, the closer, is from a guy named Jack in Australia. Thanks again for listening. Thanks again, Hoodie. We'll be back next week. Peace! If I were you, it's a daily show. If I were you, a new episode every day. If I were you, with the pitch and an ear.

If I were you, send your questions too. If I were you, I promise you things would get real. If I were you, sometimes there's a guess. If I were you, if you're in dire straits, my friend, it's a daily show. These guys will do their best. Ho-da, baby. You got Dr. Mike Dow as a couples therapist. You got me. I'm not the best, but I do a pretty good job. We'll have a different celebrity guest each week joining the conversation with us. We are serving nothing but love and relationships on the Brody Jenner Podcast.

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