Segments - 88: Walmart (with Eliza Hurwitz)

Episode Date: July 10, 2014

Jake's little sister Eliza joins us to discuss texting and driving. But not at the same time. This episode is brought to you by NatureBox -- Delicious, nutritious snacks delivered to your door! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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So let's just get straight into it. Thanks for listening, guys, and thanks for supporting the show. Things got real. Good call. Things got real. Good call. Things got real. All right. Holy shit, you were going to start. Things just got real during the commercial.

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Made at age 12. Hey, Liza Hurwitz is here. Hi. Jake's little sister. Hi. How are you? Good, how are you? I want to get to you soon, but I just want to give these guys credit.

That was Eva and Astrid. Ooh, Astrid's a cool name. Yeah, and I think their band's name is Authentic Tangerine, because that's what came up when I put it into iTunes. That's cool. So thanks, guys, for that Blink-182 homage. Liza, you've never heard the show before. No, I haven't.

I'm really sorry. My least supportive family member. I think everyone else, even Dad's heard the show before. I don't know why I didn't listen to it. I will now. I do because you hate me. No, I'm sorry. Has everybody else in your family listened to it?

I know that Rachel has. I know that my brother has. I know my mom and dad have. I guess I'm not sure if Sarah or Hannah has. I don't think Sarah has. I don't think Hannah has. To your defense, we've only had 86 episodes and it's only been a year. But that's when it gets tricky because it's like, I should have listened to the first

one and now there are so many. Yeah, it's too late. Where do I start? Yeah. Are you even going to listen to this one? Probably not because I don't like the sound of my voice. No, I'll listen to it. All right, cool.

The only one you listen to is the one you're on. Zane Munch. Have you ever seen an episode of Jake the Mule, the web series they do for College Humor? Yeah, I watch them. Or do you not give a shit about me at all? I watch all of them. That's not true.

Nobody watches all of them. Do you watch all of them? I have watched a lot of them. I even watched all of them. Well, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet I've watched a lot of them. I've watched a lot of them. Well, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me and your brother. I'm Jake. And I'm Amir.

And you want to introduce yourself again? My name is Eliza Hurwitz. Do you go by Eliza or Liza? Or just Liza with an L? Eliza. Oh, you do tell people Eliza? Well, I don't tell them. I just say my name and then expect them to do it, too. But I don't mind Liza, either.

I say Eliza. You do? Yeah, I don't mind. Well, I say small fry. Yeah. And sometimes I call you French fry. Sometimes I call you Frenchie. Yeah.

Little Frenchie. She doesn't appreciate that. Really? Yeah. Wow. Apologies. So, do you have any idea how this podcast even works? No.

Okay. Well, I'll explain it to you and to anybody who hasn't listened before. Basically, people write us emails and they need advice. They write it to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Then we comb through all of these emails and choose like four or five to answer on the show. Cool. We read real emails from real people but give them fake names so that it preserves their anonymity. show. Cool. We read real emails from real people, but give them fake names so that, you know, it preserves their anonymity.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Can you come up with fake names for us while we answer these questions? Sure, I'll try. Okay. I like your can-do attitude.

Thank you. Thank you. All right. I need a guy's name. Dale. That's perfect. Just Dale? Oh, wait, that's it? I don't have to think of a last name? No, you can go with the last name. Well, no, I's name. Dale. That's perfect. Just Dale? Oh, that's it?

I don't have to think of a last name? No, you can go with the last name. Well, no, I'll just do Dale. He just goes by Dale. I was going to say Dale Earnhardt, but then I didn't watch it. All right, B. All right, Dale, maybe Earnhardt writes, Hey, guys, I was at a Walmart the other day when something odd happened.

A cashier approached me as I was leaving and gave me her number. She said, I've seen you around here. Call it and handed me her digits. Now this girl is not bad looking at all, a smoke show if you may, but the problem is she's got a grody tattoo of Wisconsin on her forearm. This plus the fact that she works at a Walmart is quite off-putting. Should I call this cow or leave this heifer to graze? It would be great if you could advise me out of this sticky situation. Thanks, Dale. Liza, what do you think? I think I don't like the way he called her a cow,

and I don't like the way he's judging her job. Everyone has to work. That's very sweet, but this she-cow works for a fucking Walmart. I think she, and cows are she. She's not a bull. Yeah, so a lot of the emails we get are from really weird, mean people. Mean folks.

But, well, okay, let's zoom out a little bit. Can you imagine somebody having a job and just based on their job, you wouldn't go out with them? I guess if they worked at american apparel it would i go out i can't work there anymore um i guess it depends what the i wouldn't go out with somebody that was like a male stripper. Oh, like a pornographic job.

Yeah. But what if a person's working at Walmart, let's say? Would that affect your view of him? I guess it probably would, unfortunately. Bitch! D-bag! He just realized he hasn't listened to an episode of the show.

That's why he's mad. This guy's shopping at Walmart. I think it's one thing if you're at a bar and you're a businesswoman and you meet some dude. He's drinking a Budweiser. You're like, what do you do? He's like, I work at Walmart.

I'm a greeter. So you think, oh, this guy drinking a Budweiser, you're like, what do you do? He's like, I work at Walmart, I'm a greeter. So you think, oh, this guy doesn't have any ambition or something. But this dude's shopping at Walmart. He doesn't know anything about this girl's story. She might be perfectly nice. She might be putting her way through college. She might be putting her way through art school. Maybe she's an artist.

Maybe this guy's so liberal that he considers Walmart the man. Well, then why is he shopping there? Because he's trying to take it down from the inside. I don't understand why you called her a smoke show and then a cow. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. I don't think the cow is a fat joke. I think he was just saying, should I take this animal in or leave her out to graze? Either way.

He didn't decide to use a cow. I think then he's, at the very least, he's a bad rider. So what would you suggest? What would you do? What about the tattoo? Let's talk about that. Grody Wisconsin tattoo? Yeah.

It doesn't necessarily sound grody. That's like him putting his opinion on it. Yeah. If anything, this girl is too good for him. Yeah. She's got a cool tattoo. Loves Walmart. Works there. too good for him. Yeah, she's got a cool tattoo, loves Walmart, works there. She's working hard.

Yeah. What about the actual move of a girl handing a guy her number? Is that a little off-putting? Eliza, you work in the services industry. Can I say where you work? I don't care. Okay, you work at American Apparel. If a cute guy came in, would you ever hand him your number?

No, just because I'm not that type of person. You're shy. Yeah. Yeah. So I wouldn't do that. But I say more power to people who can. Right, to the ladies out there. What if a guy did that to you while you were shopping somewhere?

Somebody, well, when I was working at American Apparel once, a guy did give me his number. Whoa. What did he say? How did he do it? He was from France, and he was only there for two days in New York. Oh, then he just wanted one thing. A tour of the city. Yeah, a t-shirt. He wanted a free t-shirt, I bet.

He bought a hoodie, so. What did he say? How did he say it? How do you hit on someone who works at American Apparel? He was like. If you're French, you don't even have to do anything. 44-01-18-21-23. His phone number was like, un, deux, trois. No, yeah, no. No, that's just, you're just counting. No, dude, his phone number was probably,

his phone number was probably fucking trois. I swear to God, I swear to the French God, I swear to the French press, this dude's phone number was fucking trois. His phone number was not trois, was it? No. Okay, yeah, I didn't think so.

He gave me his Facebook information. Did you follow up with him at all? Yeah, it was Valentine's Day. Really? We went on a date. Really? Wait, you went out with him? Yeah, but like, I went on a day date, so it was fine.

A date with a wife. Did you kiss him? We did. What? You Frenched a Frenchman. No, I shouldn't be finding this out on the podcast. No, it was honestly the weirdest day of my life. I just like woke up.

I feel like you guys knew this story and you're both bombarding me. This was a coy plot. It wasn't coy at all. Did you guys talk about this on the pod did you guys talk about talking about this oh what the fuck happened what was this frog's name uh alexander alexander why are you against him i don't know uh so this guy asked you out an american apparel and he said look me up on facebook well he gave me his number. I was like, I don't want to call or anything.

So then I just Facebook messaged him. How did you have his first and last name? He gave it to me on a piece of paper. He wrote his first name and his last name and his phone number. And then he was like, I'm on Facebook in the note. I don't know. I should have saved the note. That would have been nice.

Oh, well, it doesn't matter. Then you Facebook messaged him. He responded, and he's like, can I take you out sometime? Yeah. And you Facebook messaged him. He responded and he's like, can I take you out sometime? Yeah. And you're like, okay. Yeah. Was he like 40? No, he was my age. Oh, wow. Yeah. Okay, so then where did you go? I don't want to... No more questions about this.

I want to know. We went to Cafe Grumpy. Wow, that's cute. Yeah. But it was really snowy that day. That's nice. It's romantic. Then what happened? That's enough. That was Yeah. But it was really snowy that day. That's nice. It's romantic. Then what happened? That's enough.

And that was it. That was it. Where did he kiss you? It was a gross area in the Lower East Side. No, I'm saying on your face. She said it was a gross area on the Lower East Side of her body. The Lower East Side. Like your knee?

Yes. He got on his knees and kissed my knees. Kissed my small little knees. What the fuck? I can't talk about it anymore. And you haven't seen him since? No. All right.

He's back in France. Well, that's no excuse. What? Yes, it is. You can still Facebook message him. All right, so back to this guy. I'm reeling. I don't know what to do. To think that a Frenchman kissed a Hurwitz.

Should I call this cow or leave her to graze? I guess leave her alone, not because she's low class, because you're super judgmental and you're shallow. You should leave her alone. You should leave her alone not to be around. He's judgmental and shallow.

I once got a number of a girl who worked at Home Depot. But that's cool. I guess. Yeah, like when a girl works at Home Depot, it's like, oh, it's cool to date a handy woman. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, she wasn't working in the wood shop at Home Depot.

She was doing customer service at Home Depot. What did you do? How did you get her number? I was buying... What did I buy? Weren't you buying stuff for the Christmas party? No. Oh, we got her number two.

Oh. You got two girls' numbers who work at Home Depot? Yeah. Jesus. I'm very talkative at the register. Oh, I see. And this girl, I was getting like a, let's just say I bought a hammer. I don't know what it actually was.

It was in Los Angeles when I first lived here two years ago or something. And she was giving me my receipt and she's like oh if you fill out the survey you get 20 off and she was actually you know what and she wrote down her number and she was like use that and i was like okay and then i looked at her number i was like that's crazy and she was kind of cute so i started i was like texting her and then she was like totally nuts oh really yeah yeah she was like i was just texting her i was like yeah like what are you up to she's like oh i'm like looking for a relationship i was like oh i'm not you ended up dating her for three years though yeah we moved to france together yeah

it was you her alexander um all right so what would you do if you were him? I would get over yourself and text her. She might be cool, even though you're not. Liza? Yeah, I say go for it. All right, that's two go-for-its and one go-fuck-yourself. So overall, I'd say go- I say go-fuck-yourself and go for it. Oh, yeah, get over yourself, basically, and go for it.

All right. How'd you feel about that as your first question? Solid? Yeah, it was good. All right. How'd you feel about that as your first question? Solid? Yeah, it was good. All right. Okay. Ooh. I need another guy's name.

You want to think of it? No, no, no. You're the guest. I do this shit all the time, baby. Not that you would know, baby. Evan. Evan? Yeah.

I couldn't think of anything else. I was pretty upset when I thought of it. She just thought of Alexander. All the names she could think of for the rest of the show are Alexander. Hey, guys. I'm in high school, and I just broke up with my girlfriend of eight months. She was great, but we talked way too much, and she seemed like she was lying a lot, and the cons just outweighed the pros.

But after we broke up, she made me feel bad by talking about how sad she was a lot. We were going to try to stay friends friends but her sadness is really bothering me should i talk to her and try to help completely leave or just tell her how i feel thanks love evan evan hey evan there's a world out there to be I think that's good. Next question. Is this? So have you ever broken up with someone? No, I only get broken up with. She said through a strange smile.

Alexander broke my heart. So when you break up with someone, there's this thing where they become sad. But you can't help them because you just broke up with them. You're the person that made them sad. Yeah. In my callous viewpoint, the best part of breaking up is

Folgers in your cup! Nice. But actually, the best part of waking up, the best part of breaking up is the fact that you don't have to deal with this person's emotions anymore you made them sad but you can't help all you do is leave them to figure it out by themselves

and I've got the opposite problem where I don't care about anyone's emotions while I'm together I'm a piece of shit and then when we break up I'm like oh no don't be sad don't be sad you Don't be sad. You're going to be good. You'll be good.

You'll be fine. I care so much now. Without you. But do you actually care? You just don't want them to be sad at you. I really, really, really, really, really care. Holy shit. What just happened?

Liza dropped her phone. Your phone is already the most cracked piece of equipment I've ever seen. That could have only helped. Oh, wait, you do care after you break up? I care so much. Why? I don't know, because I just feel so guilty. I feel like I ruined everything.

I feel like I fucked up someone's life, so I want to make things right. And I want to check in, and I want them to be happy. Oh. So maybe there is a happy meeting. Would you say if somebody... Have you ever gone through a bad breakup? Yeah, I get sad for a long time. But I think it's best if the person just lets you be by yourself because they're the person that's causing all the problems.

Right. Like they can't be like, I'm sorry. I guess what happens a lot of the time is that the other person gets really sad and like maybe can over inflate it in hopes that they will make the other person feel so bad that they'll stick around. Not that this person is doing that. I respond to that stuff, though. I think some people do and some people don't. Sometimes, if I broke up with someone and they were like,

please, I just need to see you. We have to talk. I can't sleep. I would just be like, all right, I'll come over and we'll figure this out. Yeah, but that's so dangerous. And then you're there and the only thing that's going to make them feel better is you hugging them. So then you start hugging and then people start grinding on each dangerous and then you're there and like the only thing that's going to make them feel better is you hugging them so then you start hugging and then people start just like grinding on each other and then you end up having sex and then it's like all right what are we doing that made us feel better for like a little bit but now we like have to be sad

and leave each other all over again the better way to do it is definitely your way so i guess cut it off entirely yeah but i've gotten in trouble with that way where like the other person's like why are you being so cold and mean to me why are you always come back to you and they're like hey i've like i'm over it now and i realized what you did was nice no but maybe they do maybe they feel that way and don't tell me that i think if you're like i think the thing to do is always present it not to not actually just be like super cold be like like, I'm not going to see you and let them get over it and know in your heart you're doing the right thing. I think it's to be like, listen, I do care about you. And it's not because I don't that I'm ignoring you.

But I think the best thing I can do for you is to just be completely upfront, completely honest and tell you there's no chance of us getting back together. And I'm only telling you this not because I want to hurt you but because I want you to start healing right away I care about you that's nice yeah I think that's a good I just broke up with Amir or you lie to her and be like let's get back together

but you act like such a scumbag that you hope that she breaks up with you right then you come to her and you're super sad you're like please get back together with me. And she's like, no, no, I can't. And then you're like, see, this is how it felt when you did it to me, bitch, two years ago. This last two years has been a long con. What were you about to say?

The same. Well, yeah, the same thing. Yeah, honesty. Yeah. Honesty is the best policy. I've always said that. I've always said that, never done it, never followed through. I can't wait to break up with someone again.

I'm going to use this advice so well. Well, I think I've gotten better breakup to breakup to breakup. Like my first one, the sloppiest, ugliest, worst thing ever that like lasted months. Right. And then the last one was just like lasted a day. Clean break. Yeah, that's it. That's the way to do it, of course. Yeah. yeah but it took me it was literally 10 years of dating that was like the span of my

first relationship to my you know like the my first relationship when i was like 18 and my last one was when i was 28 yeah well this guy's in high school so this is his first one there you go so we're giving him advice that'll fast forward him 10 years. This is a goddamn shortcut, bro. You're welcome. You're welcome. Evan. Evan. Hey, Evan. There's a world out there to be diskevened.

All right. That's it. Anything else we have to say to this guy? Go fuck yourself. Wow. Liza said good luck and I said go fuck yourself. I was just keeping with the theme from the last guy um okay all right I'm gonna try all right ready third question let's give this guy another fake name Dorian all right Dale Evan and Dorian all right ready this one's a little crazy i don't know like

well i don't know that one either i read this as someone who's like very add and like just had a chocolate milkshake ready dear divas i'm getting my license within the month i'm 17 but legit one of the best drivers I know. I've already got a car. She's a rust trap, but she does some sick front-wheel drive burnouts. It's totally legit. Anyway, I've already promised mad people, including my ex-girlfriend and a girl I want to ask out. She seems DTF, but I know the car is going to help me get there. Also, this guy who's sort of my cousin, but sort of not, like who I went to pre-K with or some shit, wants a ride too.

But he says his mom is a diva roach and doesn't trust teenagers to drive. So two questions I have, really. Number one, should I give a ride to the ex-girl, the other girl, or one of my friends, or someone else? And two, do I trust that this kid's mom will be cool with it since we're kind of family and we've known each other since pre-K? Love, Dorian.

What? Get the car back. This guy's so jazzed to get a new car. He doesn't realize he can take multiple people on multiple rides. Yeah, I don't understand that. That's so weird. It was just sort of a funny question that made me laugh, because I don't even know what we could say.

He's just so... Is there some specific spot he's going to just like who do i give a ride yeah i thought i was that way when i got my first my license for the first time well you want to know who to give a ride to it when i got my license for the first time it was like it was like out of a teen movie like the girl that i had a crush on like this really cute girl was like if you get your license today call me really like yeah and i was like oh my god i need to get it i'm totally gonna get laid and did it work um well this girl that was super cute um wanted to hang out and i my other two friends wanted to hang out so i picked them up then we picked these two girls up and my other two friends wanted to hang out so I picked them up, then we picked these two girls up and my friends hooked up with them

Jake, if you get your license today I will totally hook up with your friends yeah, that's exactly what happened so you just, you fucking jazzed you're driving, you look in the rear view mirror they lived on the other side of town too it was like a 20 minute drive and I got lost

and also since i was driving everybody else got high and i didn't it's like getting my license absolute curse two friends going out in the backseat two friends making out next to you you're just like yeah really pumped about being able to drive i'm so just going through the wendy's drive-thru guys what do you want if you don't tell if you don't stop kissing i'm just gonna order you whatever when i got my license i went to uh there was an easy dmv and a hard dmv so i went to the easy dmv but i was so like not good of a driver that you can basically do 15 little mistakes and still like up to 15 minute little mistakes and get your license so we did our drive and i

parked the car and she's like well you got 15 wrong so i'm hesitant to even give it to you i'm like but doesn't it isn't it 15 or less and she's like yeah well i still have to give you your license like all right great thanks and then she was like but uh honestly you really want to like yeah whatever whatever i got already out of the car, left it in drive. It's going. It's in neutral, drifting down the hill. This doesn't count. This does not count. You said I had it.

Liza, you failed your license test a lot and only got it. No, I only failed it once. And then I just quit driving until I was 23. And then you got it the first time? Yeah, I got it the first time. How old are you now? 25. Wait, so you failed it once.

When you were 16? When I was 16. And then for seven years, you're like, I'm just not going to drive. Yeah. And then two years ago. Well, it's not like I did it intentionally. It's just like I just hated driving. And then years went by and I didn't do it.

Right. And you live in New York, so you don't need it. Yeah. But then two years ago, you're like, all right, I'm going to practice again and get it. Yeah. Because I didn't know where I would live. and i would just want my license in case but now that you have it you hate driving i never drive i drove one time after i got my license to walgreens and that was it that was the last you only drove once after you know maybe i drove twice i drove to

just grocery store you crashed it into the side of walger are you a bad driver you're just nervous i'm bad and nervous the worst two things you could be i'm nervous and bad all the time at driving yeah so you haven't driven in how long years a year and a half maybe and i don't want to drive again just not interested yeah uh so i don't know what to tell this guy other than you could drive multiple people. I also think it's funny that this dude's mom is a roach and she doesn't trust teenage drivers. And you're already talking about your rust bucket doing front wheel burnouts. Of course. I don't trust you to drive either.

Yeah. Nobody should let their daughter in your car, your ex-girlfriend, or this girl who's DTF that you expect to fuck you because you have a car. And then you're like weird hillbilly half cousin, not really a cousin. I just don't think you should drive. When I was 15 or 16, I felt so old. I was like, God, I'm so ready to drive already. And now that I'm like double that age, I look, I'm like, these kids shouldn't be able to drive. They're not ready. Yeah, it's insane that you, like a 16-year-old gets a car. A 15-year-old gets to practice. But then also

like you drive around on the streets now and like 40-year-olds are terrible drivers too. It's not like... Right, there's only one way to get better and that's to practice. Yeah, and like some people suck and some people are good. I feel like a 15-year-old could be a decent driver if they're like paying attention right yeah but how bad were you when you first got your license do you remember being bad um i don't remember being a very bad i guess i i think you were just a naturally good driver thank you you're

welcome i'm a calm driver i'm a good driver i think yeah i remember like one time like there were so many times like whoa that i almost could have died like that was that was close there's like little things that you learn along the way yeah i remember once i was driving across the country with my other sister and we're like on the highway and um i i just i saw a mini golf place off the exit. I was like, ooh, mini golf. And I realized I had drifted halfway into the other lane. I swerved, caught myself, and I just realized if I had died, my mom was like, what happened?

What were you guys talking about? I was like, oh, he just said, ooh, mini golf, and then flipped the truck over. I remember one time I was on a hill going up to school and i was like 17 and for some reason at the time i couldn't compute that like putting my foot on the brake would stop the car so like i would drift backwards and then i would press on the gas and like drift forward and then drift backwards and i was like my range was getting longer and longer with every time i would like drift back and press gas.

And like, I almost hit a car. I was like, but there's nothing I can do. There's nothing I can do. I don't know. I can't like. And then after we left, I'm like, oh, I could have just put my foot on the brakes. But for some reason, when I'm such a bad driver, I was just like pressing my gas pedals, drifting up and then letting the car slowly slide. Oh, my God.

That's so dangerous. Like a pendulum. Jesus Christ. Yeah. I don't know. Give everyone a ride. That's the beauty. Like a pendulum. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I don't know. Give everyone a ride. That's the beauty of the license. It doesn't expire. They can't take it away from you, regardless of how many DUIs you get.

Jesus. They can absolutely take it away for DUIs. Oh, yeah. Don't drink and drive. That's my tip. Anything else? Nope. All right.

At this point in the show, Liza, we usually just take a break chill out and relax sigh sigh I don't say anything just to breathe there you don't really usually laugh about 10 minutes yeah quick tenor it lets people who are listening while at the gym or on a car

reflect yeah what's your favorite memory of me do you really want me to answer yeah hmm yeah when you think of jake between the ages of 10 and 16 or something Do you really want me to answer? Yeah. Hmm. Yeah, when you think of Jake between the ages of 10 and 16 or something, what's one story that pops in your brain? Well, when we were really little, we went sledding,

and it was, like, really slippery. That was a nice story about me. Yeah. This is a nice one. And I fell down the hill. Both of us fell. And I just got like a scratch on my arm or leg or something. But Jake like carried me all the way home.

And when we got home, we found out that he had dislocated his shoulder. Carrying you. No. You little diva. I think my mom might have told that story on the podcast. Oh, she did't have any ones that make jake uh seem less honorable um one uh well there were a couple do you remember when i i think i hit you with i like i was pretty violent when i was little and i hit jake with like the sleeves of my sweatshirts and he was crying no yeah there was one time where I was like playing with a race car and like you wanted to play and I punched you really hard in

the stomach I don't remember that yeah we were all very violent when we were little kids yeah um I remember I used to give Liza my Liza was like a tomboy she had her hair very very short and I used to give Liza my old clothes. And then she would look cooler than I did. Because, I don't know, they were cool and baggy on her. Yeah, like blossom. I would take them back. But they didn't look cool.

People thought I was a boy. And I was sad. Was that the way you would differentiate yourself from your other triplet sisters? I don't think I did it intentionally. It was just something that happened. Was it hard to be a triplet? we've never had a triplet on the show oh you're one of three yeah no i it was really nice to have sisters there with me all the time which one do you like more rachel or sarah i love them both the same i know you had to say we'll turn the mics off i can't yeah okay so we're not rolling who do you you love more, Sarah or Rachel? I could never decide.

But if you had to choose one to kill? Oh, my God. Oh, Rachel. Just because she's got a fuller life. What's been the highlight of your trip to Los Angeles? Oh, going to that cha-cha lounge last night. That was fun. You told me you love Uber.

Yeah. Oh, I love Uber. I love Uber so much. And what about you ate a strawberry for the first time? Oh my God, I'm forgetting. There have been so many great times. Yeah, I ate a strawberry. I never liked strawberries.

And then I decided to try one. And? And I loved it. Well, I didn't love it. I was like, I could get used to it. I didn't hate it. Have you had one since? Today, I loved it. Well, I didn't love it. I was like, I could get used to it. I didn't hate it. Have you had one since? Today, I didn't. I was like, I don't really want to, I don't want one again.

But I think I might try one later. That's amazing. Thank you. Thank you. We should mention that we have another live show in London. Oh. Or in addition to the London show, due to popular demand, we're going to Manchester for the first time. Ever been to Manchester? No. I guess it's several hours north of London. And we had a

lot of people saying, hey, if you're already coming to the UK, you should come to London. So we are. We're doing that same like one regular show with Streeter, me and Jake, and then one podcast later in the night. And that's going to be at the Lowry, the day after our London shows. So if you're in London, you can see us on Monday, September 8th. And if you're in Manchester, you don't have to come down to London anymore. Boom, baby. And if you already bought your ticket for London and you live in Manchester, tough luck. Idiots.

You jumped on the tickets too fast. Come see us twice. It's at a place called the Lowry. Pier 8. And then it's a Salford Quays. I don't know. I mean, this country is so fucking backwards. Have you ever been there, Liza?

No. They're so dumb over there. They drive on the wrong side of the road. It's almost as bad as France. Yeah, it really is. But yeah, come check us out. We love you guys almost as much as we love France. Is there anything else to talk about?

Should get back into it. Let's do it. Ten more minutes of sustained silent reading. Uh-huh. Just the sounds of magazines ruffling. All right. Ooh, okay. One, or no.

Yeah. One or two more questions. We need another guy's name. Get creative. Go crazy, girl. Oh, my God. Now I can't. I was going to say Mel.

That's really funny. Mel's great. Go crazy. Okay, Mel. That is a weird name, to be sure. Is Mel Gibson's full name Melvin Gibson? Melanie. Melanie Gibson? Melanie. Melanie Gibson?

I'm going to look it up right now. You think his full name is Melvin? Yes or no? I don't think Mel Gibson is his real name. I think that's his stage name. I feel like it's Donald Goring. Oh. Really?

No. Weird. Weird His full name is Mel Calm Siley Gerard Gibson What? C-O-L-M

That's not true C-I-L-L-E Calm Silly? I don't know He's from Australia I mean this country is so backwards He's from Australia? He was born in New York But then moved to Sydney when he was 12.

He's Australian. I'll give him that. All right. Mel writes, Hey, Jake. I need some guidance about texting. I can do that. I'm friends with this girl who I would say I'm friends with, but not close with.

Here's my problem. She texted me out of the blue and it surprised me as I didn't think we were more than acquaintances. We've talked for an hour, so afterwards I felt like I owed her a text in return. So I texted her the next day and it went great. So I texted her again the next day and it was also toda. I want to stay in touch with this girl and keep our friendship at the texting level but the ratio of people starting the text

is 2 to 1 in favor of me and it would feel strange to outweigh who starts the conversation am I overthinking it and if I am and should text her what is worth saying to start a conversation thanks Amir feel free to bring your brain in

on the ratio part oh that's cool i'm like dating i'm like girl advice but if when it comes to math yeah like i have to explain the numbers that's he's uh am i overthinking it yes you think so yeah if he's starting every text conversation every day they're going great but but he what if he what if he didn't text what if she never texted him? I guess I would probably be like, I'm going to take a two-day break and see what happens. That's it. As in a one-day off? One day, like, one day don't text, the next day don't text, the third day, wait, wait, wait, wait. And then see if she texts you, and if she doesn't, never text her again.

Are you aware of these texting games, Liza? Yeah, Jake is so good at texting but like what is that oh texting games and for me yeah yeah i'm just so bad at texting and i would just i think the guy normally texts the girl so i think it's normal that he's texting her first so often so if you liked a guy if he texted you every day you'd be like this is good you would never text him to start you would well depending on what they text if they were weird texts i'd be like this is good you would never text him to start you would well depending on what they text if they were weird texts i'd be like this is weird i don't want if it's going great yeah if it's going well then i would i think a text every day is nice but what if he didn't text you would you text him the next day or would you be like no it's his it's his job to start the

conversation i think i would text him if there was something to say yeah i probably would text him i probably would text him because I would get, I get nervous. I think that's just like the pure heart rule. Just like if you feel like there's something organic that you want to say and you're like thinking of it, do it. Text her. Don't like sit there being like, what can I text her? Because that'll feel forced. And like then she might be thinking the same thing and text you.

So like do it if you feel like it. Don't do it if you don't. Don't like try to force yourself to text her to keep this conversation thing going. But I would also say two things. One, girls don't have to be good at texting. We'll get to that later. And two, if you don't text her and she would never text you, then it's not a good relationship. She's only responding to your texts.

Right. She should be texting you, too. But it sounds like the texting conversation is going great. So like there's a back and forth. That's good. It's not like he's texting her and she's like being a cold fish and you're like this fighting and then they give up and then he tries again the next day.

In that case, I would be like, don't do any of this anymore. But like he initiates a conversation and it goes great. Next day initiates conversation goes great. Keep that up up that's fine that's toda indeed and to your girls don't need to text anything good that's 100 right and in fact sometimes when they're not great texters you're like fuck i don't know what to do i don't know

how to play this game yeah girls girls can do whatever they want you're the you're being pursued you can send weird texts you could send send late texts. You can text right away or wait six hours. Really? I never thought I'd overthink everything. You've got all the power. You should have never

texted Alexander. I'm telling Dad. Mom, you're listening? Tell Dad. Mommy. Mommy, you're a little golden child made out with a French man. I don't think that's okay.

You're the golden child? I think am i think i am i am that's the sign of good parents is that every child thinks they're the golden child no chance in hell rachel thinks she's the golden child well she's the only one who's like she's the black sheep she's seemingly doing pretty well for herself no way i'm doing the best. I have a podcast. That's the hardest thing you can do. You know, harder to do. But I'm on it.

We got approved by iTunes for crying out loud. I don't need my parental approval. Steve Jobs approved me. Boom, baby. What was I going to say about texting? Oh,

there is something to waiting. I think waiting is a very underutilized technique in the texting game. Oh, man. Waiting to waiting. I think waiting is a very underutilized technique in the texting game. Oh, man, waiting is grating. How so? Waiting is grating. It's just a fact that I'm stating.

Would you say waiting is degrading? Waiting is degrading, and it's a little grating. It's just a fact that I'm stating, and I know the opinion is undulating, but when a girl is ovulating it is a fight worth fading it is a little castrating if they don't participate in the waiting uh there's just waiting always seems to be a good idea it's true it's just sometimes so hard and like some to me like waiting is maybe a good move but like i don't want to sit there like with my stomach in knots for a day being like, I made a good move.

I made it to me. Like a good move is just having my conscience clear. So like, I'll send a text and I'm like, I don't have to think about it now. I've like put this out there. I'm not, I'm not waiting for her wondering if she's thinking about me.

You want to hit the tennis ball to the other side of the court. Yeah. And just like the balls out of the balls in, in her court her court i don't have to think i don't have to do anything i don't talk i'm not talking about waiting a day but like a couple hours always seems to be uh it doesn't it's not it doesn't have a negative effect do you ever like oh this person texts me i should not text him back right away or do you not know i like texting right away i mean that's the point of it right getting back no wonder you don't have a boyfriend what'd you say i said i'm so sad

i'm fine you're not fine have you ever had somebody else text for you or like group group think jake helps me text sometimes oh really but i guess now it doesn't matter what a girl text so i shouldn't care as much exactly i'll never help you again that's the most help i can give you okay you're ready to fish yourself yeah uh i always send my text to like sarah or rachel well not every text but like you know yeah you never think about the effort that the other person's putting in. Whenever I text someone, I'm like, ooh, that took a really long time. And then I just assume the lady on the other end is just firing it off without even thinking about it.

I don't know. I think they think about it, too. Right. Maybe they are also focus grouping. Everybody stresses about something. Maybe she's not thinking about texts, but she's thinking about something else. Everyone's thinking about something. Everyone's overanalyzing something.

When it comes to relationships, yes, every time. Until the what year mark, do you finally get to meet the actual person? I don't know. By then, it's too late. It's three years before you actually know what the person's like, and they're unfiltered. Then you can finally stop worrying about texting them when you're married. Yeah, and you can finally start worrying about how to break up with them

because the actual person that they are when the facade is torn down is not anybody that you want to be with. Todah. We've come full circle. We're out of time. How fast did that fly by? Yeah, that went by so fast.

That was so fun. Can you believe that was six hours? Oh my God. It's dark. It's dark out. Thanks for coming on the show's dark out. Thanks for coming on the show, Eliza. Thanks for having me.

Do you have anything you want to plug or mention? Where can we find you? I have a Twitter. Oh, yeah? Just my name, at Eliza Hurwitz. Whoa, how'd you get that?

E-L-I-Z-A. E-L-I-Z-A. You can get Eliza Hurwitz, too, just in case everybody misheard you in the beginning. What about... And I have a Tumblr, ElizaHahrwitz.tumblr.com.

What about your videos with your sister? Oh, and I do videos with my sister, Rachel. It's just on her YouTube account. Which is what? Rachel Hurwitz. A-E-L. Yeah. All right.

People submit their own theme songs to the show, so every single show starts and ends with a completely original theme song. That first one was written by Eva and Astrid. What did I say their names were? Oh yeah. Authentic Tangerines. And this last one is by

a duo named Rudy and Jesse. It's short but it's sweet. Indeed. Thanks again, Liza. And we'll be back next week. Bye. Thanks, bye. If I were you eat. Indeed. Thanks again, Liza. And we a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.