Segments - 89: Italia-no

Episode Date: August 4, 2025

In this episode we discuss our show ending, our belly buttons beginning, and Italian restaurants.🌎 Get an exclusive 15% discount on your first Saily data plans! Use code segments at checkout. Download Saily app or go to https://saily.com/segments ⛵Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum original. Jake and a mere two Jews that you can't forget. In 2010, they were big on the internet, but then three failed pilots, two rejected movie scripts. Won't last it's effort to try and stop their career from going to shit. Another podcast Each app different from the last

It's the Swiss army nightbook shows Meet you two pathetic hosts Get your hands up fam Turn on your lighters dudes Because there's only two more fucking episodes Of this podcast left So I want everybody singing and swaying to that theme song we're going out there's like five or yeah really it's yeah actually this episode comes out on

august fourth which is right before your 40th wow yeah still 39 as we're recording it correct forever young i will be forever young your nose is bleeding a little bit you really want to bleed forever your hearing aid is dialed up want to bleed forever young veneers cracking god you got so much much surgery man uh yeah we're we're still ending the show that's for sure but it'll be on september 15th we sort of dropped it into the end of the last episode yeah and i guess i guess uh we weren't entirely clear there was no warning so a lot of people were blindsided yeah some people didn't even hear it so they weren't they weren't even aware that it's happening yeah and then i guess i wanted

to get it out as early as possible, but we didn't really, we didn't circle up on on the messaging or the announcement. So it just sort of ripped the band-aid farted out into the end of the episode. Yes, exactly. And then there was some speculation on Reddit if there's any nefarious reasons or any specific things that happen, a falling out. Yes. So Amir and I are locked in litigation. A cancellation. A libel lawsuit. I, won't sign an NDA. He won't sign a do not to spare it. I will sign a cease, not a desist, Jake's the opposite.

So we're at sort of an impasse. Release the Hurwitz files. Release the Blumenfeld cut. There's no grand reason or secret one specific thing. I think it's just, you know, we've been doing this podcast for 12 years. Actually, if we're talking about timing and synergy, Headgum this week, when the time this episode comes out, is celebrating its 10-year anniversary. Wow. Yeah. That's big. A decade of headgum.

When we started the headgum in August of 2015, our show was so important. It was like the flagship show. We needed it because it funded everything else. It propped up the whole network. Yeah. And the goal was to keep growing the network to the point where we would become, you know, the middleist show. And then eventually the smallest show. And eventually our show is so instantly. significant to headgum that we can do whatever the fuck we wanted and we're so it's sort taken a decade but we're kind of there now yeah our goal i do believe our goal was always to be the smallest show on the network and keep adding big shows keep adding great employees so that we're slowly slowly becoming a less important part of the network and that was our lasting legacy yeah we funded the operation the office the employees the studio um All of the podcasts, we, we, like, did the marketing effort.

We were building a raft for our own Viking funeral. Yeah. And now it's, it is, it's, I mean, I guess there's the, there's just the simple fact that it's been 12 years, that it's been such a long time. And it's like, I am tired. Of course. And if the show was like a mega hit and still growing, we'd probably be more incentivized, but I guess it's more like plateauing where we have the same

dedicated following, which we do appreciate, and that's why we kept going for this long. But the question is, if we didn't need to do this, if we could do anything we wanted, would we still start a podcast after 12 years of podcasting? Ten years of headgumming. Yeah. We probably wouldn't. Shout out to my sisters, Hannah and Sarah. Shout out to Alison Williams, all of the day ones that are still listening. I know you're out there, Sarah and Hannah. You really think, Allison's still listening? I mean, I think so. Yes, I do think so.

She's loyal. Let's read names of our friends and see which ones of them text us. Yeah. Yeah. We should say we should talk shit about them and that'll be more likely to get back to them. Yeah, that's good. So like, Jesse was like, whoa, you're stopping your podcast. I'm like, do you even still listen?

And he's like, yeah, I still listen. Okay, Jesse. Yeah, right. Jesse's a joke. So text me. Yeah. Text me. If you listen, so why haven't I received a text message yet?

Yeah. And if I have, then I'm sorry. Like, I didn't mean to call you out. Then you're awesome. I didn't mean to say you were a joke, Jesse. I think you're the man. I'm a joke. You text me at 712 a.m. on Monday.

Wow. You really are a huge man. That's awesome to be here. Flying on a helix mattress, canceling subscriptions with rocket money, sitting in his me undies. Are you kidding me? That's amazing. Snacking on his factory meal. Yes.

Such a supporter. So maybe the show has run its course. Maybe we are less excited. We're more excited about the potential, the free time to do other things. I would say I'm still excited to potentially do live shows or more Patreon content like one-off segments that we've been doing are more fun than the obligation of needing to do a podcast every single week. Like you're going out of town next week and we have to batch record. That's something I'm not necessarily looking forward to. Yeah. I think it is just a lot of little things. Like our schedules, since I have another podcast that I have to record a lot for, and I have a child that I have to care for. And you're often on the way. Yeah. Congrats Jill. Triplets. Have you talked about the Chilchflits? Yeah. Much like your little sisters. You're sort of running it back. Runs in the family. Yeah. I mean, like there is just time is, there's less time. So we do. have to fill the time that we have recording this podcast. And I think if we didn't have this podcast, then maybe we do get to, like, kind of focus on some of the other creative endeavors that we've, like, put on the back burner because this has been a machine that needed constant fuel for 12 years. Here's an idea I had for a live show that I've never even told you.

It's just something else. I don't have the energy. I don't have the bandwidth. I don't have the drive, nor the desire, nor the time. I don't even have the time to do that. I am you're leaving You're walking Of my rope with you dude And I am suing you And you will cease That takes a long time too

I don't have time to do that Because I'm up to my fucking ears of paperwork I have to fucking read the summons I have to write the fine print Oh what's your idea for any of this What's the show Okay the show is called Jake and Amir

Do stand up at the same time Interesting That was a bit in one of our live shows a long time ago. Correct. So it's like that for a full hour. Sometimes it's just me. Sometimes it's just you. Sometimes it's cross-talk. Sometimes it's like pre-written sketches.

Sometimes it's bits, sticks, shicks, whatever. Wow. But the name of the show is two people trying to do stand-up for the first time at the same time. That's good. Yeah. That's good. I can see that being a talked-about show at Edinburgh, French. We would have to spend a month in August in Scotland.

But we'd have to spend a month in August in Scotland. time because we don't need to batch record the podcast leading up to it. Exactly. And Gem at that point, I think we'll be self-sustaining, like as a three-year-old, you could probably leave her at home for weeks at a time and she can figure it out. She'll have her own podcast. She'll be bringing in the bacon. Yes, exactly. She'll be supporting your fledgling live show that's not necessarily profitable either, but could be fun to write and perform. It's a passion project. You know, I guess that's also what it is. It's time for us to do a passion project. We have been, this has been the most practical era of our lives. Yeah. Where we just plugged in, clocked in, did a podcast, built a

company. And now we're, I'm going to lightly retire as a 40 year old. Of course, because your 20s was Jake and me or your 30s was head gum. And now it's like exactly at 40 what happens from 40 to 50. Let's figure it out. That's me back to the theater, live experiences. Yes, which was always your passion at the beginning. You were always a theater actor at heart and a live performer to the endth degree. Your Shakespearean training will finally get paid off. Yeah, it's the opening of our act.

You guys heard about this? People talking about this? No. Okay. That's fine, too. Forget I said anything. Yeah. Well, we're going to have to run this live.

show in front of audiences of two to four people at first just to get our sea legs again. Yeah, yeah. But it can grow from there. And the fact that it says Jacobimir in the title is incentive enough for people to be intrigued, let alone the stand-up part. Yeah. I think we've been, we've just been kind of omnipresent for a while. So it's, it's time for us to, it's time for us to just go back behind the curtain and recharge.

That's awesome. And like I said, we will be, I mean, there's so many other. things that we do so it's actually not like we're disappearing even though I'm talking about it like we are right we're still going to be on the headcom podcast and we're still going to be on our patreon patreon.com slash JA that's right so support us there to fund our creative endeavors and now we're still here for the next five weeks I think you developed a rancor-based segment for me right now I rankled something together okay so I have 13

rankers here. 13 reasons why. Yeah. You will listen to them. I will not repeat them. And then you will rank them in order of what you want to do the most, to want to do the least, or is it the other way around? Or does it not really matter?

I think it's the thing I'd be down to do the most all the way down to the thing I despise the most. Okay. So we'll go from 1 to 13. Got it. Okay. One, the first rank. You are never stuck in traffic, but your car is always hot.

So it's like a hot day I get in there and I can't turn on the AC or roll down the windows. Like, yeah, like a hot summer day, like it's been baking in the sun while you were shopping at the mall or at a movie. Two hours sun banked, sun baked, excuse me. Every time you go to the barber within reason, You have to ask for a beard trim, and once they're started, you also have to whisper, and do you do pubs? So that sort of ruins every hair could I get going forward. You'll never be able to go to the same person. Yeah, or you'll have to go to the one person, and it'll be your inside joke.

Here it goes again. Yeah, I don't do pubes. Your hair will be shoulder length. Avi Tau will be cutting it. Yeah, but I have to make the pubes joke. Your belly button is moved six inches in any direction that I choose. Could it be left? It could be wherever the hell I want, six inches from where it exists right now.

I fear you'll go down, which is right below my balls. That's my prerogative. I might be a nice guy. What if I have an umbilical scrotum? And it could be up to six inches. So I could be really nice and just move it a half an inch to the left. Do you trust me? No.

Imperceptibly left would also kind of be annoying. Probably the best thing I could do is like a quarter inch down. Basically nothing. If anything, it'll make it look like you have a longer torso. But yeah, I could put it on the tip of your cock if I wanted. If necessary within reason. Actually, imperceptibly left is what I would describe my political leanings this day as well. That's good.

So that could actually match that. Whenever you have soup, you have to say so good after every bite. I had fah yesterday with that count. Yes. If I'm by myself, still have to utter it. Yep. So good. So good.

It's not that bad. Yeah. But if it's just like an airport lentil, I have to say that. You'd be lying. It's embarrassing to be so low class. You never have to pee or poop again. But you have to always wear an adult diaper just in case. I feel like you've done a no poop one before.

It sounds like possible. Because like it's somewhere in the recess of my brain, something I kind of want. Right. Because you're incessant. You're a nation issue. Yeah. You get a lip ring and you have an amazing singing voice, Tom DeLong style. Does he have both?

I don't know if he still has his lip ring. But yeah, for a long time. telling me that the lip ring on the lower right side of his lip. Okay, can I adjust that one for you just because a lip ring is an auto lasting I'd ever want in my life. Like, I don't care what is left on this thing. There's no way in hell. Okay. I'll move it to you have to get a lip ring pierced, but you don't have to actually wear it. Oh, okay. All right. Fair enough. So there's a hole there, which is also really, really bad for me, but not quite bad as the lip ring itself. Right. Okay. So it would be a stud you wear for a day and then can remove.

That's good. Okay. Also, really, I can't imagine anything worse than that, but let's see. Okay. You have to adopt a French accent, and you have to go by Mimi. By what? Mimi. Mimi. You shouldn't have repeated yourself. That was a test. Fuck. Joseph Gordon Levitt. This episode is over. that's an odd thank you this was a headgum

if we didn't give a shit anymore we should do that yeah for anybody out there saying we're ending because we don't give a shit that's only half true if we really didn't give a shit we would end it on that Joseph Gordon Levitt

visits headgum guests on our podcast and as we thank him to stand we stand up and leave he pantses you and it all comes down caught on camera hog in all with your little belly button move just above your groin just so this is based on when you pantsed me and i lost my shit started hitting you in public yeah you punched me yeah um release a tape of your battle of the band's stand up where you were heckled so hard

that you had to walk off stage. I was heckled within an inch of my life. I wish I remembered where that was. Maybe I destroyed it in fear that day. It's possible just for this moment. Yeah. You have to write me into your will. Any amount?

It should be a meaningful amount. I should be made whole. What does that mean? Something like... A phenomenon. All earnings. from your likeness posthumously or something like that. Cutting Avital out of being able to profit from your life's work,

and it would be all me. Okay. You want it all. I deserve it all. You have to go to a bachelorette party every weekend for a year. Hmm. That could be fun. Could be fun.

Do I know the person? No, you don't. A randa bachelorette. It could be not fun. It is a random bachelorette party. Yeah. Like a wine tasting, and that's not really my speed. Yeah.

And it might be a wine tasting. It might be a club. It might be a trip to Palm Springs. You are every weekend taken up with a bachelorette party where you know nobody. I'm there. Do they want me there? Yeah. They understand the deal.

They got like some kind of... Compensation. ...discount on their Airbnb if you are there. Yeah. It's like they've bought in. They're not annoyed, but they don't necessarily want me there. Right, exactly. They're kind of like, I'm a necessary evil.

Yeah, they're kind of like, oh, we can't even just ignore this guy. Yeah. And maybe some people will take pity on you and invite you into the activities or conversation, or maybe you'll just be on your phone on the couch the entire time, making people uncomfortable. You are at a hen do, but behaving like a hen don't. Meaning, kiss camp. You're on a cold play concert kiss camp. a la the astronomer.

I don't know if you've seen this. Have you seen this? No. Did you see this? No. Are you able to talk about this? Uh-uh. You guys familiar?

No. You're caught on a kiss cam at a cold play concert with a headgum podcaster. Men, female, in an affair? In an affair style. Wow. Yeah. That's international embarrassing. That might take the cake.

And it could be anyone from Rachel Bilsen to Ian Carmel. You don't know who. it will be, I choose. Either way, I'm hugging from behind, singing, but they were all yellow. It's almost as embarrassing to recreate it as a meme, too. It's like, all of it's bad. Yeah. Okay, last one. Open up Instagram, and the first 10 stories you see, you have to DM them and say, swing and a miss. Yeah, that's good. That's real good. That's good stakes for a bit.

Thanks. Okay. Let me sit with these during the break. I'll come back after these messages and I'll rank and they'll be rank. Yeah. You've got some soul searching to do. Oh, yeah. I don't imagine a world where I finish this episode today.

It needs to be a week off. Thank you to Sayley for sponsoring this episode of our show. Thank you, Sayley. Sayley is a new ESIM service app brought to you by the creators of NordVPN. Mm-hmm. I love Nord. You can use several affordable ESIM plans in over 180 countries with eight regions

and with a Saly ESIM, you'll always have a connection when needed. Gorgeous. With Saly and ESIM needs to be installed only once so users don't have to install a new ESIM for each country. Thanks for that. So if you're traveling abroad, just plan your integration in advance.

The ideal time to introduce Saly is during your trip as it allows for a natural and engaging integration with real-time examples. Exactly. You download the app, you install the e-sim, and you can use your phone as you do locally abroad. Nice. So if you're interested in an ESIM, if you find yourself traveling abroad soon, you can get an exclusive 50% discount on your first Saly data plan if you use code segments at checkout. Damn right.

So if you're traveling abroad soon, don't forget to download the Saly app or go to www. That's sayley.com slash segments. That's S-A-I-L-Y dot com slash segments. Boom. Thanks, Saly. Thank you. And we're back. I got to say, this is a good list.

Some of the items while considering them did move me to tears. Really? That means a lot. Yeah, I don't know if you saw, but I was openly weeping at the idea of some of these. I'll get into it later. but it was really, really hard to process the belly button because I think I have some like pent up shit with how I was born or something like that.

Yeah, absolutely fair. I'm sorry to hear that. I called my mom during this consideration part and she had a lot to say about how I was conceived, delivered, and my first week on earth, which I guess was spent in an incubator due to jaundice related issues. Yeah, I'm happy she picked up.

I think a lot of that is coming up in the... It's all coming out. Let's start with something that I kind of wouldn't mind that much, which is a Jogo visit, because he seems like a good guy. Joseph Gordon-Levitt visits headgum, guests on the show, which is going to be good, and then pants is me, which might be funny for everyone else, and it doesn't necessarily make me look bad

because after all, I'm nine inches flaccid. Nice. I think because of the way I was either conceived or bored, or circumcised, or that it's actually my own bill cord and not my penis, because it is purple. It looks like an esophagus. So we'll start with that one as the thing I most don't mind. Joseph Gordon Levitt visits headgum.

That's fine. Okay. Another one I think people will take as a goof is me saying swing and a miss. It's kind of mean, but not necessarily not my brand to text that too. And some of these are like, you know, famous people. Like if I say this to Anthony Davis, that's fine. I say this to, you know, some friends of mine, that's fine. An old headgum intern might be weird.

Streeter is okay. Stuff like that. Streeters posted on story right now? Let me see this. No, it was his wife, actually. I see. That would be, I know that post because it was of their kids, and it would be really fucked up to say that.

Swing and a miss. Oh, hi. Struiter's wife on a post of his child. Swinging a miss. Yeah, but that's better than being caught cheating, of course. Right. Third, I'm going to go never stuck in traffic. because that's like a positive, whereas all these other ones are just the negative without the joy.

Yeah. So the negative of that one is that you're always, your car is always hot. But the positive is incredible. Like, yeah. Yeah, I fear cold more than heat, as you know. That's why I chose Southern California over New York City, although I hear the heat wave in New York. It is 100 degrees today. Yeah, but I never minded that as much as I did the cold weather.

So if it's really hot in my car, it's not the worst. thing in the world especially if I'd get to avoid traffic yeah I completely that's kind of cool I can just get anywhere in L.A. in 20 minutes totally can't hate that do I have a special lane how do I avoid traffic if it's Friday at 5 it's the H-O-V lane that's just yours that's cool and in the winter in in L.A when it's kind of chilly out my car is really hot yeah right maybe uh okay could also be kind of tough because you're dressing warm but yeah anyway uh fourth I'll go this soup one because that's a private embarrassment if I eat soup by myself

so good most of the time I'll be with Avital she'll be like okay that's a weird tick of his but it's not a public shaming and it doesn't change my body in any way shape or form that's correct and you know how often do I eat soup twice a week 100 times a year you eat soup kind of a lot that's why I came up with it

yeah I do eat soup a lot you think I eat soup too much you eat it in your hot car just a fucking pumpkin bisque and it's 98 degrees in there and I'm listening to 98 degrees so good my tongue is burning

okay back to back hot ones let's get a little cool over here belly button is moved in six inches in any direction that's a private shame between me and my lord nobody sees me naked anymore ever I refuse to be anything less than

completely closed next to Avital so she'll never notice it as well which way I got to know now that I'm going to put it fifth where am I moving that belly button it's onto your taint yeah I was gonna hold that maybe you dodged it imperceptively to the left which you said was an option

was in play but I had once taint was floated it was always going to be taint always release the tape of battle of band stand up all goes six because while it will be embarrassing at the very least it's 20 years old and people might find endearing to see like, oh, Amir from

Jake and Amir releases a tape and he wasn't good at stand up in 2003. Wow, can you believe that? He was never funny. That sucks. Swinging a miss. Correct. But at least I fucking went for it. I'll say to every single comment on Reddit that replies. Now we're getting into some pretty annoying things. Like the Bachelorette Party will completely

usurp every weekend, but only for a year. Right. Uh, I also, I, I, I kind of like pooping and peeing. It's a relief in my life and it's not hard for me to do fortunately for now. Yeah. So, and I don't want to wear a diaper. Right. So especially if your car is hot. Yes, exactly. So why don't we go last with every time I go to the barber? Cause I don't do that many times. I'll do like once every month or two. So that's only like five or six embarrassing moments a year. Mm-hmm. Versus, uh, like adopting a friend. Uh, like, like, adopting a friend. tracks and I'll have to do every that's every day for the rest of my life or something. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. That is a forever thing. That's bad. That will change everything.

Where? We, we, we, we. And then I'll go Bachelorette seventh because while that's annoying, maybe that's fun, it'll get me out of my shell, I can meet some new people, maybe I'll actually get along with some of them. And again, at the end of the year, it will be called.

Yeah. I will be paid. in full. It's over. That's good. And now we're down to the bad, the really bad ones. Yeah.

I don't want a lip ring. I don't want to have a French accent. That's true. I don't want to write you into my will. I think I deserve that. And I don't want to be caught publicly cheating. Right. The will thing is after I die.

So like it's a big fuck you, but I don't have to deal with the repercussions. Right. Avi told those. I was like, oh, my God, yeah, why did you leave it all to Jake? Oh, well, he's dead now. I can't be that mad. You don't have to leave it all to me.

I think it's just something, something that will make me be like, yeah, that, that's cool of him, you know, something like. That's a good add-a-boy. Whatever is in your like. Like the Bacardi money we made. Yeah, like for the, or your, no, a little more than that, college humor 401K. That's, you know, it's high. My retirement fund. Yeah, but it's, it's, it's, you've stopped.

contributing to it when you were 30, so it's not like, it's not still growing. Money you necessarily ever had. Yeah. Yeah. So it would be that, something like that. Oh, I hope it's still growing. The S&P 500 has really outperformed itself in the last few years. Right.

No, yeah, it's growing, but you're not adding to it. I'll go to that one, which I think is 10. That means a lot. That really does mean a lot. Thank you for that. Now we're down to the cold play kiss cam, the French accent, and the lip ring. You add pee or poop? You put that ahead of the barber?

Yeah, I was somewhere in the 5, 6, 7 range. Okay. It's really going to, that diaper is going to chafe your belly button. Yeah, I didn't love it. I didn't love it. Okay. But at the very last, at least I'm not publicly shamed, and I don't have to pierce my lip forever. Yeah.

I think I'll go lip ring third to last because it's a stud for a day, which is really annoying to me and bad and painful. I cannot believe that. And then hopefully a whole that I can cover with beard hair. Yeah. And forget about after the fact. Right.

And then I have an amazing singing voice. That's, I mean, I would have done this first. This would have been awesome. Which I borderline kind of, I don't know if you know, but I've been taking like, Already do. Your eyes tell the story of a day you wish you could. I can only sing songs that lip-ringed people would sing is the one last wrinkle.

I don't have like an amazing opera voice. Then I'm down to the cold play as Kiss Cam or the speaking with a French accent for the rest of my life. Both would ruin my life in very unique ways. However, I think the Kiss Cam would ruin my life in a way that I could then move to somewhere and speak like a normal person. I would just move to like Canada or Portugal and start my life anew

and people would forget about who I was and what my life was before that. Yeah. And you'd be living there with like, and you'd be living there with, I don't know, one of the, one of the newest headgum podcasters. Right. Let's say Jamie from landlines. Okay.

So me and Jamie, because in this hypothetical situation, our affair is the beginning of a new beautiful relationship. It's not a one-off. Yeah, it's a happy ending, really. Yeah. Okay, so I'll do that second to last, and then maybe Avital will even forgive me because it was like a, you know, a one-time fling. Yeah, she won't. If you wrote her out of your will, which you did to write me in, but...

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, she's cheated on me five, six, seven times. So this is like one public one, which is... Sorry about that, by the way. Because three of those times were with me. And then I think last I'll go, oddly enough, adopt a French accent because I'm taking it out of its face value. And for me to speak that way forever is a life-ruining decision, not only for me, but for others.

Yeah. Nobody would want that. Yeah, that's true. They would think I'm mentally broken for me to have that instantly. And then I also have to change my name. And there's no positive at the end of that one. There's no, but you have an amazing croissant collection now. No.

You are just Mimi. You've become Mimi. A mime. A French-Canadian question. queen of a mom. Okay. So that's my order. All right. It's not bad. It's not bad. Any shocking revelations in there? I mean, I'm pretty shocked that lip ring, especially because you're, you, it's only for a day. I can't believe that would be like after giving me your money after you die. Yeah, but that's after I die. You can do anything to me after I die. Like I'm trying to maximize the joy of being

alive first and foremost. Yeah. I think some of these ones, I would, yeah, anything that's like physical on my body, I think I would, I would have ranked a little bit lower,

like needing to wear diapers or having my belly button moved, I think would have been, I probably would have personally, I would have had the affair way higher. That would have been, that would have been number one. Hell,

I'll fucking do it anyway. And at what, I get like a singing voice or some shit. Whatever. I get to go to a cold, play concert and that's part of the bet or do i have to pay for that going forward uh all right cool that was a really good rancor potentially our last rancor potentially potentially potentiali i got to write another poem now that i think about it to go off on like you got to look at this haoon

situation hot un part two part tune uh okay let me uh let's take one last break come back and i got one uh mini game for you uh after these messages one One more segment. Okay, here we go. This segment is called Italiano or no. Very cool. So you're going to say things that are Italian or made up? Sort of.

I found a list of the best Italian restaurants in New York and they all had silly names. So I'm like, I bet I can come up with some silly names and make Jake guess, is this an actual top rated Italian restaurant in New York or one that I made up. Yeah. This would be good. I'm trying to go out to eat more. I really don't. So this will be inspiring for me. Yeah. I'm surprised any restaurants survived the pandemic, quite frankly. Not only did it halt any sort of in dining for a year or two, but like people just got used to not going to restaurants anymore. Yeah. Yeah. But I think people really missed. I mean, restaurants are back in a big way. They are back in a big way. People I guess so. Well, let's see if you want to go to these real or fake Italian restaurants. We're

going to start with Nana Noni. N-A-N-A. N-O-N-I. N-N-I-N-A-N-I. It sounds like it's definitely possible because an Italian name... Or postable. Right. Nice. And one of my favorite... That's the kind of joke you would expect that Jake and Amir do stand-up at the same time. so would we be you would be doing them off of me potentially or at the same time or alternating or finishing each other's punchline we could go all over the place yeah it's kind of fun yeah um

I one of my favorite places to order from every once in a while is La Nona so it's kind of close try not to like editorialize with like fun little stories like that was the point of the segment it really needs to be just Italiano or no I'll say no. All right, that's correct.

But like, so you order from La Nona or something? What do you get? They have vodka sauce. All D. La. Alde La. Ooh, that kind of sounds familiar. I feel like I'm, I'm like picturing an awning with Aldela. I'll say true.

Correct. That is. Al Dela is one of the best Italian restaurants in New York City, according to Eater. Where is it? I don't know. Do your own fucking research. Pretendous is the COVID vaccine. Aldi La Tretoria.

Where's that? It is in, it looks like it's in Union Square area. No, wait. Interesting. No, it's not sorry. Excuse me. This is in Park Slope. Okay.

Something to think about. Yeah. Now get your hands off the keyboard so you don't cheat. Number three, Lenny's Clam Bar. Lenny's Clam Bar. There's a place near me that's a clam bar. It's called Lenny's Clambar? Lenny's Clam Bar.

These aren't like famous ones or they are? Top rated. Top rated. So famous if you're a foodie, which clearly you're not. That I think it's, I will say yes. Correct. Lenny's Clam Bar. You're three for three.

Where is Lenny's clam bar? It really doesn't matter. Howard Beach. It really. What are you doing? These are hardly New York. Howard Beach. A.

101. A 101. I don't know. I think no. La Nona. Correct. Four for four. This is unprecedented.

Incredible. Let's end the podcast here. Last episode. Last moment of the show. show, Jake batting a thousand in this segment. Lazzania. Lazzana. La lasagna.

It's just called lasagna? Yes. I'll say no. Correct. Five for five. Wow. Do you want to double it or just fucking bank your money? You're up five dollars.

Let's let it ride. Cafe Spaghetti. I guess yes Real? Real? Correct. Holy shitty six for six. I'm going to fucking come.

Where is Cafe Spaghetti? If it's in fucking Jones Beach. It's in Philadelphia. Of course it's in Philadelphia. Once again, you're out there in the middle of fucking nowhere. You're in Gowanus? That's the one that made me think I could come up with them because it sounds so fake cafe spaghetti what a five-year-old would call an

Italian restaurant in Carroll Gardens seven fishes ooh I would have to imagine yes incorrect you're that was a head gone podcast zero bib gormand I'll guess real fake and now it begins it's unraveling the regression to the meme do you know what a bib gormand is no it's the Michelin logo the big puffy head and it's given to restaurants that almost get a Michelin star but don't interesting good stuff the Bibb Gormand I've heard it before Parkside Parkside I guess that's not on your head.

Yeah, but it sounds real to me. I'll say real. Correct. He's back. Parkside is real. Heavy, poor sandwich club. Hmm. But Parkside restaurant is in fucking Corona?

Dude, you're not, you're not playing a real game. Take it up with Eater. This is the top 20 restaurants in New York City. What's this one? Heavy poor side dish? Heavy poor sandwich club. Um, fake. Correct.

That's the one I thought would trip you. It almost did. Thank you. Uono Uovo Harlem. Yes. Fake. Damn it. Made that up.

Mateo Linguini a. Frommaggio duo. That's definitely, that feels real, because it feels like another one that inspired you. Fake. Damn it. Wheels are coming off. Okay, only two more.

Pink pony sauce. That's real. Fake. The last three have been fake. And finally, I or AI, one word, I. I literally don't know. Real. Fake.

Wow. Dick. The last four were fake, and you guessed real, every fucking time. You keep needleing me. I felt like I had to be right once. Damn. I.

Okay. So again, the real ones are Aldi Laugh. Lenny's Clambar Cafe Spaghetti Parkside. The fake ones are Nana Noni

A101 Lasagna. Seven fishes. Yeah. Bib gourmand. Bip gourmand for sure. Heavy poor sandwich club. Uwondo Uovo

Harlem, Mateo Linguini a la Framaggio duo. Yeah, that's the one I want to get into. Have you been to Mateo Linguini a la Frommaggio duo yet? It's really good. I get buttered noodles with garlic bread. Whoa, there's a reservation available at I. They can only do us at 5 or 11, but you have to sit at the bar by yourself. Yeah, it's outdoor dining in their back alley.

All right, that was it. That was our series of segments Ranker Plus Italiano or no. Yeah, great time. Classic episode, a quintessential segments. Thank you. And for one bonus segment, you can always check us out on patreon.com slash JA. That's right. We'll be posting one right about now.

So you can check that out as well. And we're also doing the Jake and your watches over there. And of course, we'll be back. next week for now you know it chow for now everybody bye that was a Hidgum original