Segments - 89: One Less Problem (with Ben Schwartz)

Episode Date: July 14, 2014

Ben Schwartz joins us to discuss... whatever the hell he wants. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com and AVG Cleaner. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Squarespace.com for sponsoring it. Squarespace.com allows you, someone who knows very little about the internet and how to build websites, to create a professional-looking website, blog, portfolio, or even online store. So if you have an idea for a website, but don't have a capable nerd to build it for you,

check out squarespace.com slash ifireyou. Follow the very simple instructions. Some of the plans even come with a domain name. As long as it's available, you can create the site and make it look as professional as humanly possible. And if it still doesn't make sense were you, you can get 10% off. They're already low, low prices. So what happened this episode? Well, basically, I won't bore you with the scheduling conflicts. But Jake is in New York. I'm in LA, we had to record an episode. So we asked our buddy Ben Schwartz to guest host the episode with me Not just be a guest on the show, but for the first time ever, actually guest host the show.

So what resulted was a very wacky, funny, hilarious, but different episode of If I Were You. I think you guys will still dig it. But if this is your first episode ever, can I recommend starting with literally any other episode? But if you have heard the show before,

or if you just love Ben, this is gonna be a wacky, wacky thrill ride. Let me you have heard the show before, or if you just love Ben, this is gonna be a wacky, wacky thrill ride. Let me just thank our other sponsor now, because Ben's sort of like a runaway train. I couldn't stop him and then go to a commercial in the middle. So thank you as well to AVG Cleaner, which is the quick and easy way to clean your Android for more space, longer battery life, and faster performance. The more you use your smartphone or tablet, the more junk accumulates. Everything from browsing or calling history, unnecessary cash, unused apps, all this junk eats away at your already limited space and can potentially slow your phone down. It's available right now on Google Play for free.

Just search AVG Cleaner on Google Play and download it. Once again, it's free and it's absolutely easy to use. When you launch AVG Cleaner, you get a simple screen showing you how much space is left on your phone and how much space you can get back. So thanks again. Download AVG Cleaner right now, absolutely free. Just go to Google Play and search for AVG Cleaner. That's A-V-G Cleaner. As you guys probably know, sponsors allow us to even make the show. So if you do find yourself in need of creating a website or your Android phone's a little slow, check out squarespace.com. Check out AVG Cleaner. And if not, then just enjoy this episode, you guys.

Things got different. Don't give up now. There is still hope. A podcast known for being hashtag dope. Jake and Amir know what to do. This much is true. If I were you, I were you. They'll always see me through.

If I were you If I were you I were you They'll make a big to-do Of your name And your leg of game Let the laughs rage on The songs never bothered me anyway That's it. Holy shit. The songs never bothered me anyway

That's it. Holy shit. Allison McCarthy. Way to go, Allison. It sounded like you were going to go for another 30 minutes. You did it like it was about to go. Can we start this off by saying how sick you are? Come on.

Look the other way. Point everything the other way. Stop. Don't look. He's so sick. Amir is so sick and he didn't tell me And he came to my apartment to record And he's very sick This is the most I mean we got new microphones

But everything else is really fucking bootstrapping it right here I mean Jake's not even here Your mic stand is on One, two, three, four, five, six shoeboxes. You're facing the wall. I refuse to look at you. You're facing away from me. And I wish you would look the other way.

Oh, come on. Look the other way. I want you to look the other way. You're killing me. Look the other way. I'm falling. You want me to actually stare? Yeah, I want you to look the other way.

The entire show. Yes. We're going to be facing away from each other. like a duel yes like a duel like we're about to make a bunch of paces then turn back and kill each other but we're never gonna look at each other all right this is it this is happening can i ask you a real question sure did you purposely not tell me you're very very sick because you know if you told me i wouldn't do this um i forgot you were kind of a hypochondriac no it's not even i even, I get sick so easily. Yeah, that's what that means, that you think you get sick very easily. No, it's not that I think, I know that I do.

Yeah, so you're saying if you're an actual hypochondriac, you would know that you're a hypochondriac. So the fact that you think that you do get sick and not just that you think you get sick makes you not a hypochondriac? I get sick very easily because I have a very low defensism. If anybody agrees with me that they have a similar thing, then at Amir Blumenfeld on Instagram. No, at Amir or at Jake and Amir on Twitter.

What? What do you want them to tell me? I want them to explain to you that they probably have a similar thing that I have where maybe their defense system and their immune system is really low and crappy. What do you do if you're in a relationship and your loved one is sick? Oh, this is a great question. If you're in a relationship and your loved one is sick oh this is a great question if i'm a relationship my loved one is sick i will sleep

with them because i love them but by the way yeah sometimes i'll be with someone and they know that i get sick really easily and if they're feeling really bad they're like oh you know what i'm real sick why don't we wait a day or so oh so they're they're so nice to you that they don't even want you to those are the ones you got to keep yeah people the people that are like oh you know what or it's just that you know what it is if i'm if i'm filming something that's when it matters i'm not filming something i get sick who cares i've also gone there have been times where i like have been in a meeting or something and the other person's really sick and uh and i'll always shake their hands or whatever and i'll be in a room with them for like a of hours and I'll know that I'm going to get sick

in the next day and a half after that. And do you? Yes, many times, but I'll just come to terms with it. I'll be like, you know what? I have to take this meeting anyway. It's worth it. I'll get sick for four days or something like that. So you really can't trace it that early. You know from the moment zero

that you're going to get sick, that you're getting sick. No, I could tell. Usually what happens is I get a sore throat really quick or my nose starts running really, really quick. Yeah, that's how mine started. I felt like a dryness sensation. Yeah, I get that a lot. So what's your routine? Like, you start feeling sick, then what?

We should get into this. Well, first of all, when I was acting in something and I was writing something at the same time and I was just like draining myself and I ended up getting a little bit sick and I didn't want to go to the doctor and I took a bunch of vitamins and that didn't really work. And then I got like my head was just pounding and I ended up getting strep pneumonia for months. For months. Strep pneumonia.

Strep pneumonia and it was stuck in my sinuses. Two different diseases in one. It was stuck in my sinuses so it was impossible to get to it. I had to go on three different types of antibiotics and also I didn't go to the doctor for so long that it got worse and worse. Is that the nerdiest thing about you?

That you get? No, look in the corner of the room. Look what I have in the corner of the room. That's pretty nerdy. Look over here. Sorry, I'm not facing you't it's a backpack that looks like yoda that's pretty yeah that's pretty nerdy but strep pneumonia that's pretty that was it was really bad i had to and they told me that i should get deviated septum surgery because i couldn't like breathe out of my nose and i was like no way i'm not getting that and they're like well you you know it would really help you breathe in the long run to help your life and uh because I was so sick and I was pounding so much, I really started thinking about it.

Like, maybe I should get the surgery. And then after probably four months, I think it's the closest to, like, depressed, really depressed that I've gotten. Didn't you get strep depression? Is there a thing like that? No, no, I'm just combining word diseases. Your diseases get diseases. No, but you watch them all. I wake up every day and every day would not feel better for months yeah it was and then i was

filming a movie for half of it and i was just like it was just so much it was so much to do like when it starts it starts that feeling of like you're just never gonna get better and you start believing that you're just never gonna get better and then i come over with a cold and i'm like hey let's record no that see this isn't it that's stupid of me i got sick i got i must have gotten one of those strep and then i didn't treat it and then it turned into something worse and then they had to take um i'm gonna use the wrong term not ekgs what's it called when or maybe it's an ekg when they do something heart monitor yeah lungs and heart uh yeah because it was going to turn into full-blown pneumonia and it was going to be dangerous for me.

Yeah, it was like... You almost died. No, I didn't. Yeah. By the way, I'm Ben. You haven't even said who I am. All right. So this is If I Were You,

the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. Jake's not here. Jake, we finally, after a year of doing podcasts, mistimed how many episodes we needed when one of us is away from the other. And I realized today, shit, we don't have an episode for Monday. When did you text me?

I texted you at noon. Today's Thursday, so I texted you at noon. And then what time are we recording? 3.55. That's pretty amazing. Yeah. That's a great, yeah, that's a solid turnaround. Yeah, that's really good. We appreciate it.

Otherwise, it would just be me alone in a room trying to solve people's dilemmas. You've done the show before. You're totally sick. You've done the show before, but we've never, we've never done a show

without me and Jake. Is that true? Yeah, this is the first time. I remember when we were all, we were all having fun at your apartment and one time,

we all tried to do, there's a bunch of people in your apartment here. Oh, yeah. And we all tried to get there's a bunch of people in your apartment oh yeah and we all tried to get together and i was like should we do a podcast because everybody there and a lot of really funny people were there yeah and we almost pulled it off but then the microphones didn't work yeah that's why i bought these new microphones because of that day it was yeah it was the greatest podcast that never was it was it was me you yeah me And I think that's it I think that was it

I remember being like This was going to be the greatest podcast of all time So instead we're doing it now Yeah So you've been on the show before You know how it works People email us at ifireyoushow at gmail.com They got dilemmas

And we do our best to give them advice My question is Jake usually plays himself Which is the douchebag So my question is Oh no, that's his actual persona. I know. That's himself.

So I'm saying, like, do you become that character now? Oh, like instead of you? So should I shift over to the more, like, spiritual role? Well, I don't want you to change who you are. I just want you to believe in yourself. Well, let's get to the first question. We'll see what answers we have. Or let's not.

Can I ask you a question instead? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Is that fine? Yeah, let's do it. Can I look at you? No. Can I look at Well, let's not. Can I ask you a question instead? Yeah, absolutely. Is that fine? Yeah, let's do it. Can I look at you? No. Can I look at you yet? Absolutely not.

I'm doing this entire fucking show staring at a white wall. I don't want you... What we are... I have a back room in my apartment that I store a lot of stuff in. That's where we are right now. We're back to back

staring away from each other. Is there anything in here you want to ask a question about? You can ask a question about one item in this because there's a lot of weird things in here. It's not like packed. It's just a tiny room with some stuff on the ground.

Yeah. One item. One item. What's that ceramic butler? Amazing question. There's in the corner of one of my desks, the desk... Oh, wait, never mind that highlighter.

What's the highlighter? Great question. Even more intriguing. On the movie Star Wars, the highlighter I bought in a pack at CVS. No, the actual ceramic butler. The butler is, I did a TV show called Undercovers, and we found out we were going to get canceled. Me and the creator went to one of the sets, And one of the sets was like this big kitchen set. And I said, I want to steal one thing.

I tried to take one prop from each thing. And he's like, yeah, this is, his name is Josh Reams. He created it with JJ Abrams. And I was like, you know what? I'm going to grab one thing. And I found that ceramic butler because I wanted, it had to be small enough for me to sneak out with anybody knowing.

So I grabbed it and I took it. And I was like, I take this is that cool and he goes yeah we're canceled and i was nothing matters especially this it's pretty crappy like he you know he worked so hard on it he worked on it for years and then it got picked up and then it got made and then it got canceled do you do that with um all your sets you steal something uh i usually ask so that one i asked him yeah name him name us something. I probably have something from you. Well, I can't like, so for example, what is this Entertainment 720 mouse pad from?

Like, what could that possibly be? There's an Entertainment 720 mouse pad from The Other Guys, that movie I did called The Other Guys. That is the most props I got on any day because there was a whole, we did, in this Parks and Rec, I played this character named John Ralphio and me and Aziz's character

started this whole company called Entertainment 720 so for an episode or two we had our own like business and everything had Entertainment 720 on it and I went to the props guy

I was like and then the business folds in like the same episode so I was like can I have some of this stuff and he goes we will make you a bag and I got the funniest

I have it it's all throughout my apartment like, we will make you a bag. And I got the funniest bag. It's all throughout my apartment. I bet people would love that shit, that 720 swag. I don't think anybody really cares about it. Huge Parks and Rec fans would pay top dollar for this autographed entertainment 720 mouse pad going up online. No, no, no, no, no. It's not going up online. What are you talking about?

All right. You can't see my face. If you could see my face, you'd know what I'm talking about. All right oh you know what let me uh get to the first question because it's actually about showbiz before that let me ask you a couple things yeah um so do you always wear ankle socks whenever you wear sneakers or no i've been trying to wear no show socks what is no show so um people you might i don't know if you know me well enough to know that I... I know you pretty well. Wait, let's strip it down. Okay. Would you say that I know you very, very well or just kind of well?

I would say you know me like seven out of 10. Like not as good as my closest friends, but more than an acquaintance. Right. I would agree with that as well for you and I. I feel like you know me very well. You know, not as much as my best friends in New York or whatever, but you know me very well. We've spent quite a bit of time since you moved here. Like, I feel like your sock game is mostly white white athletic socks that's exactly correct but do you know like what my sock game usually is i feel like your sock game

is long socks no yeah i'm i've been into like happy socks uh nice laundry socks like colorful uh bright uh kind of fancier dress socks and i throw on an american apparel uh t-shirt underneath usually yeah yeah v-neck v-neck and then you'll wear shorts are wearing shorts today you'll wear shorts so when i wear shorts the i guess the quote-unquote cool thing to do with shorts uh socks wise is to no socks right yeah no socks or socks that are so short you can't see them so there's these socks that uh jake actually told me about rest in peace he's dead uh yeah that's how he that's how we tell people uh socks and also in that half sentence so i in within a sock story uh socks that only go up a little bit up

your foot so that it looks like your bare foot yeah but then so i have those as well but when i walk they then go under they then like like, as I walk, they slide down and they go underneath my foot and I hate it, so I stop wearing them. Oh, so then you can go a little bit higher than that, which is the ankle socks that I'm wearing. These are the ones that, these are the... But I don't wear those with jeans.

You're wearing them with jeans right now, right? What do you wear with jeans? Long dressy socks? Yeah, long dressier socks. Long dressy socks, dressy socks dressy socks okay i guess we'll cut that part keep going i don't cut any part um question yeah do you mind if i ask you a question no no i feel like we haven't even gotten to one of them let me ask you a couple questions do you feel like we haven't even gotten to one of the questions. Let me ask you a couple questions. Yeah, sure. Do you feel like since you moved to LA, now you're more comfortable here than New York

or no? Yeah. Well, it's by default a more comfortable city. Oh, because you lived here, huh? Yeah. Well, I grew up here and then also just weather-wise, it's very comfortable. It's so wonderful. When I go back to New York now, it's like an obstacle course.

Everything is painful and difficult. Is that true? Yeah. I mean, I can't believe I was ever used to that. Well, I can't believe it's not butter. Really? Yeah. You see, because can't believe I was ever used to that. Well, I can't believe it's not butter. Really? Yeah. You see, because I can totally get that.

Really? Because when I eat it, I'm like, this could not be. But it's a city. It's a city. It's not butter. Oh, I'm so sorry. You're right. You're right.

That was stupid. That made no sense. I'm sorry about that. But everything is either too hot, too cold, too crowded. Everybody's very tough there in a good way because they have to survive. But you were one of those people. I know I was. I was one of those people for my whole life. And now I can't do it. Yeah, very uncomfortable. Everybody's very tough there in a good way because they have to survive. But you were one of those people. I know I was. I was one of those people for my whole life.

And now I can't do it. Yeah, I guess. I guess every day is a gift. How's that? Huh? How's the every day a gift? Okay, let's get to that question. Yeah, yeah.

Before we hit that question. Sure, sure, sure. Do you mind if I ask you a couple things? Oh, no, no, absolutely. Let's do this. Do you feel... Yeah. Okay, I have a question.

When we do short films and you do it without jake yeah does that feel does that feel weird for you what's is there backlash when we do a contest video no i don't think there's a backlash it's just exercising a different muscle it's do you feel like when you say exercising different muscle do you feel like do you act differently is your process different when it's you and i writing something as opposed to you and jake Yeah. How so? Well, the Jake and Amir videos were sort of tied to these characters. So I'm not usually the straight man. In our videos

I get to kind of be the straight man, which is more fun. We're both crazy in those videos. What are you talking about? Well, the last one I thought I was kind of just like... Oh, the last one was the first time I think you were a total straight man. Yeah, very true. And by the way, I thought you played that awesome. Thanks, dude. When we do our contest videos, were a total straight man. Yeah, very dry. And by the way, I thought you played that awesome. Thanks, dude. But when we do our contest videos, we're both insane people.

Yeah, but we're both very dry. We're not actually great. We don't talk in a weird way. We just say... I agree. Speak very matter-of-factly about weird, stupid things. So that's fun to do, too. Someone asked me this before in an interview.

I'm going to ask you it. If you were doing a live college humor sketch, and you could... That's what they asked you? This guy in the interview? No, they asked me this before In an interview I'm going to ask you it Yeah If you were doing a live College humor sketch And you could That's what they asked you? This guy in the interview? No they asked me Asked you if you were

In a live college humor sketch They said improv For my improv Yeah But for you Let's say you're doing Your college humor live thing Or you're doing a Jake and Amir

And you could have One guest person That is dead Who would you pick? A guest to be on our show? Like you write a sketch For this guy or girl to do Oh to be on In the web series Or no I think to be live on stage or you know let's make it the

web series just because there's been so many who would you or by the way how about this one living one dead the dream the apex of both that if you got this there would be no one above this person oh shit uh tough question right yeah way to put me on the spot. Well, dead would probably be Moses, right? Because, obviously. Which Moses? Moses Malone. Oh, okay, yeah, the basketball player? Yeah, he played for the Sixers.

Yeah, he sure did. Good basketball player. I don't even think he's dead. Even better lover. Well, he's with Jake now. I would probably just choose someone that I'd want to meet. Like, I'd want to meet a comedian so that I'd have to, like, I would choose Larry David because then I'd get to meet Larry David.

Is that your favorite guy in the world? He would be one of my favorite people to meet. Oh, okay, Woody Allen because he's almost dead. He's not almost dead. He's an old guy. You're an old guy. I'd like to meet Woody Allen. I would like to meet Woody Allen also.

Where did we land on the whole child molester thing? Because I got a pretty cool painting of him that I feel bad putting up now. That's like, are you allowed to like a Chris Brown song anymore? Yeah. Can I put up this sculpture of Jerry Sandusky or is that a huge no-no? By the way, thank you for that sculpture. Dude, of course. Yeah, you stole it off the set of what was that movie that you were in?

Sandusty. Yeah. It was about the uh maid to jerry sandusky who used to dust everything in his house you call him so jerry sand dusty my god by the way god so many there i did a podcast once where i was playing raw doll and i found out he was a huge anti-sex oh yeah yeah and it was so hard to hear and also harder to realize that it was being recorded for the world to hear me react to me finding out that one of my heroes would have hated me in real life would have not even talked to me in real life i saw this book this child's book it was like who was roald dahl

and it was like a cartoon picture of him like i'm pretty sure this guy hated jews it's kind of weird to make this like a cute little friendly kid cartoon book that's sad uh yeah that's a little and then am i allowed to still enjoy his work oh i just bought two shell silverstein books i used to read when i was very very young he was also a raging no raging raging anti-dentite oh anti-dentite yeah people that were dentists yeah oh god for a second i thought you're gonna say anti-semi no no no no he was jewish no no no no everybody wants to say no no no no no i want to see you be brave i want i want to see you behave what do not look at me turn around he was starting to turn around because you were like starting to get alone i thought

listen how much he's coughing nobody will be upset with my decision you've been coughing the whole time we're in my apartment this was the worst idea that you've ever had to me i've been really sick for the last two days this is like the first day i'm starting to feel like myself again like i wouldn't have even been able to like get out of my bed for the last three days so the fact that i'm here i feel like you get me i'm like happy i'm like singing on the freeway on the way over here and then i come in here i'm like hey what's up dude and you go you are so sick don't touch anything don't touch me you are just so you're disgusting your voice is like it's your throat can't even get the vocal cords out and then you try to send it through your nose yeah your nose

is just a fucking cavern of disgusting when you open the door all you saw was me as a giant germ like a far side comic like a giant bunny when when he sees a big chicken and he's hungry. Everybody becomes like a big turkey that he's going to eat. Like a basted, ready-to-go turkey. Did you watch cartoons when you were a kid? Yeah, of course. Which cartoons did you love? Like even before Simpsons?

Yeah, that's too adult. I'm talking about young Warner Brothers. Animaniacs? Yeah, before that. Tiny Toons? That's too an adult. I'm talking about young Warner Brothers. Animaniacs? Yeah, before that. Tiny Toons? That's the same era. DuckTales? How young do you want me to be?

Like when you were watching cartoons as a kid. Tom and Jerry? Okay, yeah. Did you watch Tom and Jerry? Before that. Popeye? But Willie, before that. Oh, God, I didn't mean...

Felix the Cat? Before that. Jesus Christ. Bazooka Joe comics? Before that. Before that. Gum, I guess? Wall Art on a Cave in 36,000. Before that.

No, that was the first fucking living record of art. No, it wasn't, man. If you look at the stars, I guess that's God's artistry. I guess the stars, then. Man, when that horn section comes in On that Ariana Grande song I really get into it How so? It was on the car

I was listening to the radio And then When I hear that I'm just ready to go You know that's played when Iggy Azalea put a trumpet in her pussy That's her queefing. Now you know when I say everyday gift what that means. Oh, God, Amir.

I'm sorry, dude. I have a phlegmy laugh. I'm phlegmish. The second this is done, you are to jump out the window. You are to. I'm leaving for a bunch of days and if you get me sick from turn around you better god i'll take a picture of what this looks like so you can send it out i feel like i'm being held hostage you know i feel

like i'm being held hostage by some sort of comedy policeman i can't even look at you dude how are we supposed to how are we supposed to develop some sort of rhythm, a chemistry? Alright, you can turn around now just so I can take this picture. Alright. Okay. I'll send that to you. Dare we get to a question. Can I ask you a question real quick?

Sure, yeah, absolutely. Did you have action figures when you were a kid that you collected? No, I didn't. You didn't collect X-Men? You didn't have action figures when you were a kid that you collected uh no i didn't no uh you didn't like collect x-men or like like and none of those you didn't have action figures i can figure so behemian i don't know transformers you know my older brothers did they had transformers a bunch and uh cars cars is a movie that just came out yeah yeah well they had cars too actually on dvd but uh i never I don't know.

I never really, I guess I like playing. What about trading cards? Basketball cards, I guess. Yeah, so did I. We'd get little tops, a little fleer. Did you have the fucking binder so you can collect every player in every team? Oh, my God, you know I had a binder. So you have like a weird encyclopedic knowledge of NBA players from 1991.

And their numbers. I loved it. I loved it. Do you know what Doc Rivers' real name is? Glenn. Wow, that was fast Literally from the cards Let's see what else I know What's Mike Z. Bogues' real name?

Tyrone Let's go until we mess one up Is Blue Edwards his real name? Do you know the answer to that? I don't Spud Webb Oh wow, hold up Marcus? No. What is it?

Anthony. Anthony Why do they call him Spud? Because he's like a little tiny potato? That is the most racist thing you've ever said What are you talking about? He's tiny And Spud means potato That's not racist at all I know it's just a joke Why do they call him Spud Webb?

Because he smelled like a fucking potato That sounds oddly racist I know, I was just joking. Why do they call him Spud Webb? Because he smelled like a fucking potato. That sounds oddly racist, although it's not. Wait, who else is there? I mean, like, the number of everybody. The number of everybody. Oh, like jersey numbers? Yeah.

Mark Price? Three? 25. Really? Yeah. I was going to say Patrick Ewing, but you were a Knicks fan, so that's cheating. Drexler? 22.

Nice. What's Clyde Drexler's real name? No. Walt Clyde Frazier Drexler III. No. Really? It's Mokshif. Mahmoud Abdoura.

His real name was Front Leaps. What was was it front leaps front leaps f-r-a-n-t-l-e-e-p-s and that was his first name yeah and his last name was drexler yeah front leaps drexler that makes sense all out of the vagina i can't i'm from iggy azalea yeah iggy i ggy that's actually why her name's in bold i like that song yeah it's good there's a couple of good iggy songs it's catchy i think ti i remember when ti was working on house lies we were talking about he talked about we had a record label and he's like yeah i have this i signed this girl from record label. And he's like, yeah, I signed this girl from Australia. And he told me her name.

And I was like, who? And she said the name again. I was like, oh, I don't know her. And then three months later, she's the biggest artist in the world. Yeah, just because of Fancy. Would you say Fancy is the song of the summer? Honestly, I'd probably say the song of the summer is, Give me a beef bowl and eat my choy.

I want to get lost in your sauce and soy and drift away that's the song the summer uh give me what was your verse uh give me a burger no uh give me some leeks koi and over so i want to eat locks on my sushi roll and eat all day. Want to eat all day. I want to eat all day. Give me some. Dude, that was the worst. I think. Oh, my God.

Today I was with somebody. Today I was with somebody that is. I'm not famous at all. Someone was far more famous than I am. Far more famous. I would love. Not going to say who it is. I would love to know who it is.

It doesn't matter who it is. But just. I could tell that the person was probably coming up to me to try to somehow get to the person I was with. Oh, because he was like a huge Jonah Hill fan? No, it wasn't Jonah Hill. No, no, it wasn't Jonah Hill, but a Jonah Hill type. So it was you and Seth Rogen? They come up to me.

You're going to love this. They come up to me and they go, love you and Jake and Amir, man. Wow. Love you and Jake and Amir. I go, oh, thanks, man. That's so kind of you. I'm Ben. And they say their name.

And then they turn to the other person and go, think you're great too. It's like talking to the uglier friend to talk to the hot girl. Yeah, it's part of the game. Yeah, it's like, got to be nice to this ugly piece of shit so I can talk to the beautiful person. So did the famous person, let's say mark ruffalo uh by the way the famous person knew what jake and amir was oh did he yep he really did you don't know if it's like he oh very nice but uh the person did i i said they go is yeah they asked what do people recognize you from usually and i say parks and rec i don't get a lot of people coming up and saying jake and amir but then i said if the people are young they actually do say jake and amir quite a bit i've

gotten that probably more consistently throughout my life because we've been doing those short films for how many fit me probably 10 or 8 years 15 8 you haven't been doing 15 15 years how old are you 40 32 oh so yeah since uh seven you think I'm 40? Aren't you? No? Oh, anybody older than me is probably 40. Wait, well, how long have you been doing jitter and murps? Since 2007. Wow, so 17 years ago. Yeah, the math adds up.

Oh, wait, I was doing a bit. It really is 17 years ago. I was doing a bit for real. Oh, so what are you talking about 17 years? So like it's been 27 years? No, it's been 37 years because because we started in 77, and it's 2014. Anybody wants a sappy? I want a sappy.

I want blue, blue, blue. I'm going to have to stop you right there, because we don't have the rights to that song. No, but I didn't sing the words. And you're singing it so accurately. Head in the clouds and your face on my shoulders. Oh, you know the song. Yeah. Let's get Ariana Grande to at us, at Jake and Amir. That would be a good person to be on the show, too, if we were doing...

She seems very young in that music video. How old is she? I don't know. By the way, I knew of her But not really And then I saw Her at Was it the MTV Music Awards? The MTV Music Awards

Yeah Something It was something And I'd never seen her perform before And she played that song With Iggy Azalea And I thought it was awesome And I was like

Oh my god That was good Here's a pretty Here's a cool fact Ariana Grande Guess what her real name is Oh I can't wait for this Can I guess for real

Yeah Ashley Green Ariana Grande Hyphen Butera Pretty close Butera So does that mean

Her name Her parents were like Grande And one was Butera So her name is Ariana Grande Butera But that's like One of those people

Like they're already named. How old is she, if you're looking at that? I'm going to guess 20 years old. She's 21. 21, when's her birthday? Born in 1993. 1993, Jesus. My dad used to say, whenever he meets somebody really young, he goes,

I have shoes older than you. He would say that a lot. Or I take dumps bigger than you, if it's like a baby. Yeah, he was like a curmudgeonly cop, he was a cop right on the beat yeah he was a cop on the beat uh dennis scott what number did he wear three that's very good give me one more go uh you want to name that whole orlando magic team oh you want to go person for person see who fails at naming someone first that would be tough i'm gonna start with nick anderson okay what number is nick anderson 25 correct uh nick anderson can i say dennis car is that already taken we've already done it and nobody that we've already talked about

shaquille o'neal what number 32 um nick anderson um wasn't horace grant on the orlando magic he was orlando magic i'm assuming he kept his old number of 54. Oh, that's a great question. Okay, your turn. Uh, are we talking about the Brian Shaw years of the Shawshank Redemption? I don't know if we are, by the way. Did he follow him from Orlando to Los Angeles? This is going to be so boring for your listening.

Let's change it. This podcast is now for one. Let's change it. We have to. Wait, do the trumpet trumpet that's the transition uh here's a question for you i got a question for you real quick yeah yeah um i want to see if we can do how much time is on this thing oh my god we could easily get through this whole thing without ever answering a question. Yeah, well, my question is...

Well, can I ask you a question? Yeah. Wait, would you be upset if we didn't answer any questions? No, I don't think so. But hold on one second. I have to clear my throat. Oh, God. Trumpet sounds until I get back.

Meep, meep, meep, meep, meep, meep. Do you have to take a shit? Yeah, I have to cough up what I coughed up. Oh, God. Can I do it in your shit? Yeah. Cough up what I coughed. Oh, God. Can I do it in your sink? Yeah. Thank you. It's so touching.

Oh, my God. You're so sick. Keep talking. Is this recording? Yeah. Can you, when you... Okay, so Amir right now is going into my bathroom, using my sink,

and coughing up yellow and red liquid so he can talk better. Can you not use my towels when you dry your hands? Oh, he might be throwing up. Just something disgusting is happening in my bathroom, guys. I'm going to take you through it. Sounds like he's shitting into the toilet right now no into the sink it sounds like he's listening to ariana grande doing a little yoga routine and he's back how'd that feel uh good it always feels good to cough something up

the best because it's no longer in you the best turn around yeah just the best i can tell you what i every time i get sick i my like it just turns a different color everything gets terrible i get infected very quickly do you notice that the color of your mucus changes from white to green as the longer sicknesses yes but it doesn't turn to green turns to brown usually really yeah i get brown and like stuff like that wow spud colored spud web who uh when i was setting up i was like hold on i need 10 more minutes 15 more minutes i just need to find questions and you're like yeah yeah absolutely uh was your goal the entire time to never actually have me answer or second the first time you said um i'm gonna ask you a question i interrupted you yeah and you quickly said yeah go go then i was like oh you, and I interrupted you. Yeah. And you quickly said, yeah, go, go. Then I was like, oh, you know what?

I bet I can do this where you'll never have a chance to ask a question. But I also remember that the other time I did the podcast, either you told me or Jake told me that people were pissed we didn't get to the amount of questions that we were just talking about. We were just talking nonsense the whole time. People were upset we didn't get to the actual stuff. I don't know if people were upset. I mean, any anytime you do something new

Let's answer one Can I ask you a question? Sure Let's answer one, go Do you want it to be about Animals, show business, or nipples? We're supposed to give real answers, right? Not jokey ones?

Yep Let's do show business. Show business. There's no business like... There's no business like... Hey, guys. I have an Asian... Wait.

Who wrote this? Fake name. Oh, this is from Chalk. That's spelled chalk, but called Chalk. Yeah. Spelled like chalk is spelled, but pronounced like Chalk. Chalk Cotton. spelled chalk But called Chalk Yeah Spelled like chalk is spelled But pronounced like Chalk Chalk Cotton

Cotton with a D Chalk Cotton Cotton Fitzsimmons Oh is that really what his name is? No Oh That was the coach of the Phoenix Suns In the early 90s

Alright ready? Name two other Phoenix Suns players Kevin Johnson Tom Chambers Tim Kempton That's not a real person Mark Long No you're making up people

Okay Dan Marley Alright here we go Ready? I have an issue Basically That's not a real person Mark Long No you're making up people Okay Uh Dan Marley Alright here we go Ready I have an issue Basically Alright I have an answer

For this person Already Wow Push through it Push through it Okay I couldn't agree Uh

Less Less is more Alright ready Yeah I have an issue He writes Wait What is his name

Chalk Chalk Cotton Chalk Cotton writes hey guys i have an issue basically i'm about to i'm about to come to a major turning point of my life i'm canadian living in london age 24 stop you're right there i've been in canada for the past month for 30 days i was in montreal and i'm going back in 10 days. One of the reasons why I don't want to get sick. I know about Canada. I know. I get it. I know about Montreal. Not Canada, but Montreal.

I continue. I have two choices, he writes. Let me stop you. In life, you have a lot of choices. It doesn't always have to be about two things. It's not always about what's right or what's wrong. Sorry, I have to stop you right there. I really think I've got to get through the whole thing.

I feel like if you stop me after every sentence every sentence fragment actually we'll never get to the end of the question let me stop you yeah yeah all right go all right 45 minutes or we can go longer uh we can go as long as you want baby boy but usually 45 minutes yeah i have an issue that is a firm firm number uh i have an issue That is a firm, firm number I have an issue Basically Should I even do this? Yeah, I want to hear it I have an issue Basically I'm about to come to a major turning point in my life

I'm Canadian, living in London, age 24 And I have two choices I can go to Oxford, for which I got a late acceptance Of which I have always dreamed No need to brag. A friend of my flatmates just came through to stay with us this is a gone oh mercy a friend of my flatmates just came through to insane. You know what would be amazing? If we weren't friends, this would be the most

disrespectful thing you could ever do. You borderline would have ruined the show. Why? If this was like a favor to you to have you on the show. And then you just did this? No, come on. I'll be respectful. I'll be respectable.

I'm sorry. I know it's coming and it's still funny. It's not. Come on. I'm trying to class you up. And by the way, I'm going to wait more than a second. It won't be funny if I do it immediately. So I have to wait for a good time. There you go. A friend of mine.

Why is this song in my head? I'm a 32-year-old male. That song is actually playing out of your head. You're not even holding a phone up to the microphone. Herman said. You tilted your ear towards the microphone and that came out. The problem is the funniest part is the trumpets. And it's too hard to try to find the trumpets in each part of the song.

Because, so, it just, you know. Yeah. These are high class problems. These are high class problems. High class problems without you. That's a funny weirdo thing. High class problems without you. Go, go, go.

Okay. So, okay. This, go, go. Okay. So, okay. This person wants to go to Oxford. Or he wants to become a writer. A little more information. This is my question. Wait, wait. Let me get to the end of it.

Oh, yeah. Of course. Obviously. Yeah. Okay. Oh, my God. Iggy Iggy herself. I can't believe she's on the show.

A friend of my platmates just came through to stay with us, not much older than I am, and he dropped the bomb that he's been hired to write Rambo 5 with his writing partner. That's amazing! My lease in London is up in early September. I've saved up about $30,000. If I go to Oxford, it vanishes. If I go to LA, I have no ins in the industry. No formal education to write in. You have a guy that's writing the next Rambo movie.

So do I go to the best university in the world for a subject I find really interesting or do I go to what I think will make me happy? Love, Chalk Cotton. Okay, well, I have questions that I'm going to ask you. All right, I'll try to answer them as best as I can. Okay, no, and the answers are probably within that document. That's what I'm saying.

Okay, yeah. So one of my questions is, he described it as, should I do something that I love? Right? Didn't he say the first thing is something that he loves? Yes. Or what was the other one?

Or do I do what I think might make me happy? You're interrupting yourself So isn't How is something that you love Not something that makes you happy? Sorry, he said Do I go to the best university in the world For a subject I find really interesting

Or do I do what I think might make me happy? No, but there's a piece of it at the beginning That he said he loved the first thing uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh yeah he does right uh or i can move to la to become a screenwriter which is what i love so he loves writing okay he loves writing he's good at uh learning shit shit. Well, this is what I would say. Okay. When many people, I don't know if this will correlate perfectly, but I feel like in this podcast this might help. Many people, and they'll come to you as well, I'm assuming, but will ask when they come out of college, just like both what you and I did,

and it's very scary to say you want to do comedy, you want to be an actor, you want to write. They'll ask, what's the best method to do it? What would you do? The way that I described it is that I gave myself a couple of years after graduating college to try because it's impossible. It's impossible to do this. It's so impossible. It's impossible to make money and stuff like that.

So I gave myself a one- to two-year window of I'm going to try this. I'm 21 years old. I'm going to go for it and see what happens. And if I fail, I fail. I know that I tried, but I'm going to go for it totally. I'm going to immerse myself in this world. I'm going to try my hardest. So I would say if you really want to, if it's something that you're passionate about, go for it and try for it. But I would say this also, if you have a job that you actually really like, it sounds like he likes his other job or I'm sorry, or he likes the idea of going to oxford and stuff like that what's stopping you from going to oxford and writing at the same time like why can't you develop your script just you would have to just uh power

through and instead of drinking 24 7 you know after you're done with your classes write create you can create and create all your stuff while you're getting an education that education will probably only help you be a better writer so i don don't know if it's possible to both do it. But I will say if you're wondering when is the right time to take a chance, the earlier the better is what I would say. By the way, your time is never up. You can be a father of 50 and start writing and stuff like that. A father of 50 kids. 50 children with the same wife.

A father that is 50 and still do it and stuff like that. But for me, when I was younger, I had the same similar choice of am I going to do this job or am I going to try to do this and fail for a very long time. It's a very scary thing you're going into. The only way to succeed is to fail for a very long time. Or in my case, at least. Not a very long time, but you really have to try hard. Wouldn't you say? What would you say, Mira?

You're a very unique case, though, because you got a job in what you say what would you say mirror you from you're you're a very unique case though because you got a job in what you love the second you graduated college yeah i was fortunate in that regard but a lot of people who do end up succeeding are the ones that take the risk and you're right it really does happen earlier rather than later but but not to say stoppings if someone's listening to this and they're like oh shit i'm 35 fuck that anybody it's just a matter of um you have to really go for it and i this is a interesting thing because some people ask like if they're doing it for a long time it's a question for you amir is it i mean i would never have the balls to tell someone all right that's it you shouldn't follow your dream what a terrible like well this sort of came up so what do you do if someone someone yeah what if they're not good what if someone's bad at their dream shouldn't isn't the wise advice

to not go for it not saying that this guy but i'm saying and by the way not to say that you and i are very good at what we do yeah not to say we're also not saying like we're not saying anything in hebrew but this is all yeah what does that mean we're not saying anything in hebrew i don't know what that means we're speaking in english right. Right, of course. Right, of course. It goes without saying. I didn't even have to mention that fact. My question. Yeah.

Do you, are you allowed, like, what would you do? Let's say, or I'm sure there's an example in your life that you've had to do this, where you're like, this person's been doing this for 10 years. They probably don't have what it takes. How do you handle it? How do you pull the cord? Or what do you do? What would you say to them, man? Would you tell them or no uh if it's a good friend of mine i would say like

maybe you should start i mean life sort of forces you to stop following your dreams at a certain point oh that's really scary sentence like you at the end of the day you need money to live so if you don't have money you're gonna have to take a shitty job but also there's a way for people this is a different thing. If it's your passion and your love, like improv, even if I didn't have any success in whatever, I would want to do improv for the rest of my life. Yeah, but you would still need a job. That's what I'm saying, though.

But I would probably not be making a ton of money. You'd work at like a shoe store and do improv. I mean, I did work at a sneaker store for two years, but it's like, I mean, I'd still want to do it no matter what. So I think those people who still have a hugeaker store for two years, but it's like, I mean, I'd still want to do it no matter what. So I think those people who still have a huge passion and love for it, they'll continue doing it if it makes them happy. They'll keep going to UCB and performing. Like that's, I would, I mean, that's what I do now and that's what I would have done no matter what. Yeah.

But. I'm usually pretty risk averse, but this guy, one, has a lot of ins. Two, has $30,000. Three is 24 uh four it doesn't even sound like he he says he loves it but he says he likes the other thing too it's such a it's like it's usually if you really are totally into it it's like this is what i'm gonna do there's not even a and you just this is what i'm gonna do yeah like i this is all i want to do this is all that i ever want not ever by the way i never even me, this wasn't even a choice. This is like being an astronaut. It's not even a thing that is on the list of things when I

went to school in Riverdale or Edgemont or when I went to school in Union College. It wasn't even a thing that you think about. It's not an option. It's not a choice that you can tick off of, this is what I want to be. I want to be a comedian or an actor. So for me, it wasn't a real thing. So it wasn't like real thing um so it wasn't like i've been dreaming about this my whole life because the dream was too big to even think of it's like walking on the moon to me so now that you're here are you happy at all uh no yeah you're sort of over it no no i'm very very happy i'm very pleased but you always i'm of course i'm i'm ecstatic you know you get to work with people that you love and you know look up to but uh there's

that moment of you always want to try to get better at what you do. You're always trying to try to widen your grasp on whatever. And keep growing because the more you grow, the more you get closer to getting those projects that you really want to do. Like how cool would it be to be in a Coen Brothers movie or to act with Bill Murray?

You know what I mean? All those things would be so incredible. Right. There's always more to attain. Yeah. Or do anything that Steven Spielberg directs or Spike Jonze. I would do anything to be in a Spike Jonze movie. After I saw her, I was like so, I loved it. So it's like there's always something bigger. Another question that I always, me and Paul F. Tompkins had this conversation and one of his things is, when is it enough?

Like what are we chasing? Like Amir, when are you going to be satisfied? Is it monetary? What is it that you are... Is there a stop point? Yeah, a million dollars. Once you make a million dollars, you're done? Yeah, I'm done.

I'm satisfied. I'm happy. And then what would you do the rest of your life? I would just spend it, be happy, sort of chill out, and just generally smile and enjoy the world because I've won the game of life. One million dollars. And how long will that million dollars last you?

I don't know. Maybe two, three years before I... And then what would you do? I'd kill myself. Why? Because I would have no more money. God. Do you know what that sounds like to me?

I think I can guess. Oh, it's not loading. Oh, God damn it. Well, if anything, we've really helped the sales of this song push on 67 million views This is like the biggest song in the world You know what if somebody told Iggy Azalea not to go for her dreams And to stay in Australia and go to high school there

Is she not going to high school? Yeah I don't know I really want to hear this song now I'm not going to give it to you It's loading it won't even let me That's the sad part The one time I want it you're not going to give it to I'm not going to give it to you. It's loading. It won't even let me. That's the sad part. The one time I want it, you're not going to give it to me.

I'm trying to give it to you, but everything's not working. This is so funny. Ariana Grande. I've just learned who she is, and we've given her so many... We've talked about her so much, and we've just learned who she is 67 million What's the highest view count? What's the most popular Jake and Amir? I think Gangnam Style has 1 billion views

No, Jake and Amir It's technically a Jake and Amir video I don't think it is Yeah, yeah, yeah Because it has the guy who's like The fat guy who's dancing, me And it's got like the tall, skinny Korean guy, Jake. Nope.

No. Oh. The most popular Jake and Amir on YouTube? Yes. I think we had a couple of videos break a million. Really? Yeah, I think so. That's amazing.

Which one? What's the most popular? Chicken nuggets? You know some stuff, But not really enough stuff I know I've seen many of them But not the older ones I didn't

Remember NBA Inside stuff? Yeah Okay cool Come back later for more stuff That's what they used to say before Just to wrap up The Orlando Magic game we were playing Remember Anthony Hardaway?

Of course Number one Penny Hardaway I have his sneakers That's a nickname Plus a magic player plus the jersey number. Yeah. Yeah. That's what they call a callback.

That's an amazing callback. We've already passed 45 minutes. Oh. But you went to the bathroom for like two minutes. Yeah, I was hawking what you would call a Luigi. I don't call him Luigi. I call him Murios. Do you have

anything else you wanted to talk about? Anything else you wanted to mention? Do you have to end at 45 minutes? No, I mean, we can go as long as... I guess people would get bored, huh? I think if people were going to be bored, they would have already stopped listening. I want to ask you a couple questions. This is either their least or most favorite episode. No, this is their least favorite. Well, what did they like

last time that I was on that we can do again? Is there something that they loved that we talked about or no? I think it was just having you on it. I got one more problem without you. Can you talk about what you're doing in Montreal? I'm doing a movie called The Walk. It's like if you guys have seen the documentary Man on Wire, it's going to be a movie version of that with Joseph Gordon-Levitt playing Filipe T,

who is the guy who walked the wire between the Twin Towers in the 70s. Does the guy who is the actual guy have a cute little wink-wink cameo in the movie? I don't know. Like Joseph Gordon-Levitt buys a pack of bubblegum from him. I don't know. I'm not sure. I'm not in a scene with him if he is.

That would be really fun, though. Have you met him? I have not. Joseph had met him, but I had not met him obviously Zemeckis has met him and Zemeckis is my favorite movie is Back to the Future and he directed that and Who Framed Roger Rabbit

was a huge deal in my life and Forrest Gump was a huge deal in my life and he's directed all three and he is so kind and this is what I'm starting to learn

because I like read a lot of reports of people who work with Scorsese or who work with like other people that I really look up to, and they stay collaborative. Like Zemeckis is still collaborative. If someone has an idea for the scene, he'll listen to it.

If someone has an idea how to adjust dialogue, he'll listen to it. And if he likes it, he'll change it. He'll be like, all right, cool, do that, which I think is so smart. I think if you just are so stuck to everything, to be collaborative is to create. And he has such beautiful camera moves. Every single scene is so well planned and so beautiful. And he can make me and you talking in this room doing nothing, sitting in seats, so beautiful somehow.

And do you have Joseph Gordon-Leordon levitt's uh phone number why i think it would be tight if you gave it to me what do you mean i think that would be a tight move what about what would you i want to text joe go about what i want to just say hey what's up i want to know if he like has heard of me what i want to know if joseph gordon has heard of me what i want to know if joseph gordon levin has heard of me um okay you want me do you want me to can you like i don't know if he's on set he's probably i mean he's probably filming he's the lead of the movies in every scene oh really yeah oh shit all right maybe his email address then i'm not gonna give you any information of or this that zemeckis dude also sounds pretty chill if he wants to be in an episode pretty chill yeah zemeckis sounds kind of like a cool cat you know who he is i feel like i

can get along with him he did the gump movie right he forest gump gump sat alone in a buggy marsh he casually oh my god sitting on a bench with his hands in his pockets he just kept saying life was like a box of chocolates he's Gump he's Gump he's Gump he's not too bright he's Gump he's Gump he's Gump but that's alright

Gump was a big celebrity he told JFK that he really had to pee he never And that's all. Gump was a big celebrity. He told JFK that he really had to pee. He never was too smart because his mom always told him stupid is a stupid dust. He's Gump. He's Gump. He's Gump. Oh, my God. And that's all I have to say about that.

Do you know what's so funny? We probably know so many words to so many Rhode Island songs that you don't even know you know all the words to until someone starts singing. I haven't accessed that in 20 years, but it's somewhere in my brain, tucked away. Met him in a lake down in Dogobah

Where bubbles all the time Like a giant carbonated soda S-O-D-A, soda. I don't know that one. I saw the little run sitting there on a log. I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said, Soda. S-O-D-A, soda.

There are other ones. Do you know any Weird Al originals? Melanie. That? originals uh melanie that what can the problem be sweet melanie why won't you go out with me you know that one no that's a great one do you know everything you know is wrong sing it everything you know is wrong up is down buck is white and short is long and everything you thought was just so important doesn't matter

I think Bad Hair Day he came out with a new CD he's coming out with a new CD very soon oh yeah July 15th

let's give him a plug July 15th mandatory fun Weird Al Yankovic do it do you follow him on Instagram I do

he actually direct messaged me telling me he was going to leak me his new album what? how do you know Weird Al? I think we just follow each other on Twitter and me he was going to leak me his new album. What? How do you know we're now? I think we just follow each other on Twitter and I've asked him to do snow pants like 10 times.

And? I don't think he's going to do it. Why not? He's so kind. He's such a kind man, but I don't know him very well. I just know him through Twitter. Is there anything you wanted to plug before you had to leave? When does this come out? I don't have to leave. Monday. My meeting's at 5.30. What time is it now uh 4 45 we're getting close yeah i think um this comes out this monday

yeah yeah um monday july 14th my brother's birthday this is where i leave you a movie called this is where i leave you comes out in september but it's gonna come out before then what am i gonna come out before then oh nothing that i can talk about now but hopefully when this comes out you guys will know what i'm talking about or if not it didn't work out oh this would be really weird yeah that'd be great amir knows huge news or nothing at all it's literally that that's the that's the hard part about show business if there's nothing at all then nothing happened nothing nothing happened this was a joke yeah but if this is huge news this is the first time i was about to talk about it but didn't can you believe it why does this always happen to me what's another god i love that melanie song or all the pokas

i remember there my friend because i played bat i was like i was on chorus and i played basketball and i was like friends with all the nerdy guys because i was a nerd and i also was friends all the sports guys because I like playing sports. I remember my sports guys never got into Weird Al, didn't care about it at all. Yeah. And then all the nerdy guys and I would talk about it all day. David Fernandez. Let's give a shout out to David Fernandez, who used to go to his house in the Bronx in Riverdale.

He's dead now, right? No, he's alive. He's a doctor. He was a kid. He's the smartest person in the world. We would watch every day. We'd go home from school. We would eat macaroni and cheese.

We would watch the Disney afternoon. We would listen to Weird Al. He's the person that introduced me to Offspring when they first came out, smashed that record later when I was older. But he was my best friend when I was growing up. We used to love listening to Weird Al and watch The Simpsons and all that stuff.

Oh, I wish that's how we ended the podcast. What? Just the sounds. There's only one way we can end the podcast. That'd be a funny podcast is getting two people in a room and then just they don't talk for an hour. But you just assume that Ben Stiller and Don Cheadle were in a room next to microphones breathing into them. It's just breathing? Or eating a sandwich.

Oh, that's really funny. That's a really funny idea. There's obviously only one way this is going to end. So you tell me when we're wrapping up. It's been an hour. That's pretty good for answering one fucking question. You know what I mean? Yeah. Oh, God, get out of my apartment. uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh

uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh

uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh

uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh

uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh who we can talk about now. Amir Blumenfeld. You're a celebrity. Absolutely. Oh, man. You're absolutely a celebrity.

Obviously not, because you can say my fucking name on the podcast. If I was a real fucking big deal, it would be a hush-hush secret. Okay. It was Sandusky. My fucking God, I knew it.

It was me, Sandusky, and Donald Sterling hanging out. This is insane. I got one little, one little problem. If you have your own questions that you want us to eventually answer on the show, please, if I were you, show at gmail.com. At Jake Hurwitz. And, oh, theme songs.

We're still accepting them, using them to start and close every single episode with an original theme song. And it could be anything, right? Yeah, it could actually be a parody of that song, One Less Problem Without You. Or it could be an original theme song. And it could be anything, right? Yeah, it could actually be a parody of that song, One Less Problem Without You. Or it could be an original. The opening was by someone named Allison McCarthy. Thanks, Allison.

Allison, great job. Do we have an outro? I can't believe what you're saying It's a million years, baby, But don't be ill I got 99 problems, but you won't be one You love it. I mean, I guess I do like that song.

I'm into that song now. I'm a 32-year-old male who likes that song. Is that fair to say? Yeah, all those are facts. I'm not ashamed when I like a song. I like all sorts of music. I love all of it. You've got to be open to enjoying music.

I'm going to cut you off, dude. You're getting crazy. You're getting power-on crazy. Hey, follow your dreams i'm telling that guy to follow his dreams but if you can do both at the same time why not nah it's you're like you're fighting between something you love or something you want to do it's like yeah you're you have a good problem of riches champagne problems baby yeah and the last thing is that i need is a last, one last champagne problem.

This outro theme song is by Kat and Sam. So thanks, Kat and Sam. Kat and Sam, thank you so much. Thanks, Allison. And thanks, Ben Schwartz. Of course, guys. I want to plug one quick thing. I want to plug the contest videos that Jake and I do. Bye.

Bye, guys. Oh, at Rejected Jokes, my Twitter. Holla. bye bye guys oh at rejected jokes my twitter holla they got an email from a desperate fan please help me out what would you do from New York

to California ask advice but I gotta warn ya their best advice is you'll do you if I were you From New York to California, ask advice but I gotta warn ya. Their best advice is you'll do you, if I were you. If I were you. Here's what I'd do if I were you. Hashtag Doplo sees the cheezus, take a break and shoot the breeze.

Oh, here's what I'd do if I were you. Wired in with Shagoone, the game. How you doing this morning? So kind to be on the show with us today. If you make a Mount Rushmore of hip hop music, his face has got to be there. If you put NWA up there, you put Ice Cube up there, you put Snoop up there. You have to have room for the game. Hey, I ain't never got an introduction like that.

I might bring you on tour. You're going to want to listen every week on PodcastOne.com. Download it there. PodcastONE.com. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets.

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