Segments - 9: Communism (with Streeter Seidell)

Episode Date: July 1, 2013

In this episode, CollegeHumor's editor-in-chief and our friend Streeter stops by to talk about communism, friendship, and the lack of meaning in our bleak existence. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. So I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now.

I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the limelight. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out.

But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out. Okay? Let's hear it.

091-3662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. You can support us by going to frankenoak.com slash if I were you. And if you see anything you like, you can use our code if I were you, the number 10, and you get 10% off of your purchase.

So let's say if I wanted to buy something that was like $55, what amount would I get off? What's 10% of that? Are you really doing this right now? Yeah. What's 10% of 55? Five. I'm your character. The real Jake is the Amir character.

You're wearing a calculator watch. Just figure it out. The numbers are too small. Yes. So if you, like Jake said, if you do want to support the show and you do need new clothes, you can do both things in one fell swoop. Just go to frankenoak.com slash if i were you and if you like what you see you can put our coupon code in on the way out if i were you and the number 10 enjoy this episode we enjoyed making it shut up okay if i were you if i were you

with jake and amir short and bitter. No, short and sweet. That was by me. And that's my voice singing. That was actually by a guy named Jay Arsenault. Fine. That sort of sounds like your name. Oh, hey, it's if I were you.

He recorded a four-second song. Who cares what his name is? And we are joined by a really good-mood dude, I guess I would call him. Don't call me that. Is that a grumpy? Huh? Aren't you having fun on our podcast? Okay. I actually banged.

You made me stop eating my lunch to record this. I slapped a ham sandwich out of his mind. Streeter banged us for weeks and weeks and weeks to be on this podcast. I was playing it way too cool for school. Yeah, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by me. And me.

Amir and Jake. And we're, yeah, we have a guest today, Streeter Seidel. I'll add applause noise in later. Thank you. Per Streeter's request from his manager and agent and lawyer. Well, you gotta have a good team behind you. We work with you, and it's so weird that you were like, we asked you to be on the podcast,

and you copied us with your agent manager and lawyer. I don't think I even copied you. I forwarded along the request. You told our people to get in touch with your people. Yeah, they looped in the whole team. I mean, this is almost a year in the making now. We've been trying to get straight on the podcast. We just cleared it all through legal.

Yeah, so, so excited that it's finally happening i'm i'm comfortable putting my whole weight behind the project yeah he actually demanded we start a podcast that's the whole reason we're doing this thing just so he could be a guest on it streeter is the editor-in-chief of college humor yeah and also a great great uh acquaintance of ours one of the best acquaintances i know actually reed i thought i feel like you're gonna say i was great at something else oh and then you bailed Great, great acquaintance of ours. One of the best acquaintances I know, actually. I feel like you were going to say I was great at something else. Oh. And then you bailed. Well, what else is he great at?

You know history well. Yeah, I'm great at the past. You also read more books than anyone else I know. Thank you. That's sort of a rare thing that you wouldn't guess. Yeah. People your size don't really like. People think I'm a fool.

Yeah, like a sports fan. Yeah, yeah, and I'm not. Unless it's history of sports. Yeah, I'm a big sports fan for sports that already happened a while ago. Rounders. Yeah, yeah, really into rounders. For people who don't know, it's the English game that baseball grew out of. Holy shit.

I believe it was. Holy shit. He's hijacking the podcast. It's not advice anymore. There's a new theme song about a history podcast. If Streeter talked about history for an hour. Have you thought about starting a history podcast?

I have. I thought about it a lot and I wanted to do it very badly and then I saw that there were so many really good history podcasts with huge audiences from much smarter people. It's too late. It's a crowded marketplace. I wouldn't start a podcast.

All right. These are. Could be more of a bad idea. Oh, it seems like you guys are really into it though. No, no, no. So you don't think I should do it? No, no, no, no. We wouldn't want to like oversaturate it with college humor podcasts.

Well, it would just be my own thing, you know. Sure. I mean, but at that point, it's like me and Jake already have our own thing. And then it's like, what, now Street Earth Podcast? We're starting to cannibalize our listens. You're a guest on ours. You're a great acquaintance. Yeah, yeah.

Exactly right. So you can call this podcast your own every 17 episodes. Can I get that in writing with my manager? Who's on the phone right now? Your Blackberry's blowing up. So we get, I don't know if you've ever heard the show. Oh, definitely. Frantically listening to 30 episodes before we started on two times speed.

High speed scrubbing through the whole thing. We haven't even done 30 episodes. Holy shit. So we get real questions from real people that email our show at ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. And these are people in sticky situations and conundrums or just in need of help in some way. And me and Jake try to offer advice. Usually we fail, but we try to be as funny as possible. Or at least as mean as possible.

Yeah, sometimes we just berate the person who answers the question. Oh, that's good. So the advice doesn't need to be good advice. It almost shouldn't be. I would never listen to you for advice ever. You've asked me over the past three months, 10 separate times, if your New York state tax return is coming and what you can do about it, as if I know anything about tax law or accounting

you joke but i did just get it yesterday you finally got it i would watch it like email people and he was on the phone the other day with with the fucking whoever sends out those tax checks the government the government you called the government i how do you call the government i had a i had a trip planned to albanyany this weekend to demand my money in cash if I didn't get it in time. But I got it so we can afford a third microphone to have you on the show. Yeah, thank God. Just in time. Yeah, just in the nick of time.

Let's start the show. Let's answer some questions or fail at it. This one is from somebody, fake name, real question, named Walter. Ooh, Walter. Walt. Hey, guys. I call my grandma in Poland every week, largely because if I don't,

my mother will guilt trip me into doing it anyway. Problem is, problem is my grandmother was born into communism and is ignorant to the scale of the rest of the world because she wasn't aware of the option that the rest of the world for most of her life. So every time I call her, she has a panic attack

because she thinks all the tornadoes in Central America and any earthquake on the West Coast, all the hurricanes from the South and any terrorist attack that happened in the village will happen in the village down the street. I tried to explain to her that America is way bigger than Poland and that most things she hears about it don't really affect where he's from. New Jersey, I'll just say it. But she can't seem to get a grasp on it. We know who it is. It's Walt in New Jersey. I don't want my communist grandma to keep worrying about it but i also don't want to be mean or stop

calling her what should i do it's funny that that that communist grandma thinks that there um there are villages around something might happen in the village next door what the hell is a village they went extinct in medieval times right that used to be where people lived, and now we have towns. So there's no village in America anymore. I think we had one in Bradford. It was Cheshire. Yeah. What about-

Cheshire was a quaint little village. Yeah, that's right. The West Village. So what should this guy do? He's only calling his grandma because his mother will guilt trip him into doing it anyway. I guess if you're so concerned about your grandma worrying about you, just wait. She'll die soon. She's old.

And then you'll, I don't know, then you'll fucking wish you could call her and listen to her complain. Shouldn't I say something like, if I were you. Oh, see, if I were you. Yeah, yeah. He's better a host than you are. Actually, this actually makes a lot of sense. Yeah, man. You and I get along so well.

Holy shit, you're right. Me and Streeter. Oh, God. No, no, no so well. Holy shit, you're right. Me and Streeter. Oh, God. No, no, no, no. I could never work. I need somebody that could pull my weight. Sorry, what were you going to say? If I were you?

I was going to say, if I were you, I would make that grandma believe that this is a very real threat that could affect you, whatever it is, tornado, hurricane, terrorist attack, and then maybe what meager savings she has. Yeah, you got to leverage that. Yeah, she'll sort of channel it to you. So you use it to extort your own grandmother. Yeah, because she's dying-ish. Yeah, you can't take it with you. Grandma, the tornadoes are coming and they need my money. But I'm like, ow.

It's cost $10,000 to get into the tornado shelter and I don't have it. Bubby, I don't. You get your brother to make tornado noises in the background. Ow, ow. Just put on Twister. I love the idea, and I guess I had it growing up too, that calling your grandparents is such an awful thing. Why is it that bad?

It's not bad at all, but it's always something that like I had to force your son daughters to do I've never done it so I can't really answer that question I've had grandparents no I've had grandpa never told him yeah what am I gonna holy shit yeah you have nothing in common with them right yeah I didn't fight in World War two whenever I call my grandfather I like when it's over like when the conversation is done he's like you know he's so like great please He's like, thank you so much for calling me. This made my day. And all you did was made my day.

And I look and it's like eight minutes, eight minutes, four seconds, five minutes, 12 seconds, you know, like no time at all. I made his day because he doesn't do it. He sits, he gets up at 4 a.m. for some reason. Right. He just waits till he can eat. And then he just sleeps in between. It's like the equivalent of camping.

Right. You just wake up with the sun because why not? And then you don't really have anything to do until the next meal. That's not camping. That is not camping at all. But I appreciate... That kind of sounds like camping. No, there's a million things to do when you're camping. Like what?

Fucking hike, walk around, see animals and nature and trees. Camping is dumb shit, man. No. What is this? We've all spent all these years working so we didn't have to live outside in the woods. No, we spent all this time working so we need to escape to go out to the woods and see the... What the fuck? This guy's talking about his Polish grandmother and you guys are berating me about camping. It's funny that

the rumors are true. Polish people really are stupid. Holy shit! Ba-dop, bing! I hate stereotypes, but I guess that one just happened to land. Does this even make sense to you guys? Because she was born into communism, she's ignorant to the scale of the rest of the world?

That doesn't make sense at all to me. Communism doesn't mean you don't understand the scale of the rest of the world. If she was born into communist Russia, Russia's enormous, so she should have a pretty good grasp like russia takes up i think half the world excuses for his grandma like it's not communism it's just she's dumb okay i think grandma might have a dementia maybe it's the thing like i would call and have a doctor go check her out we're being awful because we're

insulting this guy's grandmother and him. I'd like to insult him. I mean, he's kind of a huge a-hole for not wanting to talk to his grandmother once a week. But he does. It's literally the least you can do. It's such a huge thing for her. She's been alive for so long, and her day sucks so much. And she's been through such shit. Grandparents had to experience.

A grandmother growing up in Poland? Are you kidding me? She never left Poland? No grandparent's lives are better than their grandchildren's lives. Like every grandparent alive right now went to some horrible shit, had a child through against all odds. They had a child. And then that child is such an enormous brat that they won't even call you.

Right. Like they didn't even have phones, dude. Be grateful. I'm sorry to jump in there. They had phones. Who's talking about that? Phones have been around for a while. Not cell phones.

Remember in history, fact checkers? Oh, you're talking about old dumb phones. Yeah, I'm talking about cellies, dude. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah. You're talking about iPhones. No, they didn't have iPhones, you're right. You know, I was thinking, this is sort of a tangent,

but like yesterday, because Governor's Ball is this weekend. Oh, party. Which is an outdoor music festival. Which is an outdoor music festival. It's an outdoor music festival. And so I was thinking like it's supposed to rain. And I was like, oh, man, I like it would be kind of fun to be there in the rain because there's like, you know, people jumping in the mud like Woodstock. And then I was like, no, because like what will all my friends do with their phones if that happens?

Like we have we always have $400 in our pocket. At all time. That's just a fucking phone. And a phone. always have $400 in our pocket. At all times. That's just a fucking phone. And a phone. Yeah. $400 cash. Our grandparents probably didn't have $400 for the first 58 years of their lives. That's when my grandpa got paid for killing nine Nazis over three and a half years of his life and watching his friends get murdered.

The general paid for scalps. Yeah, yeah. years of his life watching his friends get murdered the general paid for scalps yeah yeah he got a a ride home in steerage class on a boat and 400 bucks you won't fucking call him are you kidding me basically call your grandmother but she is a communist so and what's the recent revelations about the government monitoring uh telephone, let's talk about it. Yeah, I think a call to a former Soviet bloc country with a communist leader of the family, if you will, might raise a couple red flags. Honestly, I'm surprised that he hasn't been arrested yet. He emailed me on a public Gmail. I'm sure the government has currently talked to his grandmother at least to figure out where this communism is coming from.

Maybe it's a cell in Poland. This kid's down in Gitmo already. Holy shit. What a shame. He'll never be able to hear the podcast that's one less listener um all right let's move on to the next question um this one is from skyler oh once again the email is if i were you show at gmail. Email us in. We'll answer your questions if possible. Where should people email if they want to talk to me? We can just give your phone number. It's 203-553-9...

If you said any number, someone would text it. Try texting 203... No, I shouldn't even do it. I ain't going. I feel bad. All right. The question is, I have a friend, in quotes, who is a man-eater, to put it nicely. She is the most shallow person I know, and I don't even like bringing her around my guy friends

because they always end up complaining about her because she acts like such a bitch. Whoa. Her words, not ours. Exactly. Asking for things because they obviously don't owe her an expensive night out, and they obviously don't need to pay for anything. And she treats her girlfriends the same way. Seriously, anytime she wants to hang out, I end up doing physical labor for her. That's really funny.

How do I ditch this bee without looking like the one who is the bee? You're obviously not. Yeah, you can ditch that bee. Ditch the bee. Don't trust the bee. In apartment 23. I want to know how this night went that she got invited to and ended up scanning photos for three days. That's so funny.

Imagine day two, like, ah, this sucks, but I mean, I'm halfway done. Yeah, yeah. Like, holy shit. The morning of day three must have been difficult. All right, I day. Home stretch. My back hurts. My cropping is getting sloppy, but fuck if I have to finish. Come on.

Skylar, do you have my fucking photos yet? It's my grandma's 80th or 90th birthday or some shit. Almost done, Marissa. I am so sorry. She lives in Poland and she doesn't even know how big America is. She's a communist. I know. Yeah. I'm so sorry. She lives in Poland. I know. I know. And she doesn't even know how big America is. She's a communist. I know. Yeah.

I'm so sorry. It's just like there's so many photos. It's taken me three days. Are you freaking kidding? These are two photos at a time, Skylar. I'm not going to freaking sit here and crop them out. Please scan one photo at a time. And scan the back of it too.

Yeah, and don't make it crooked. In case there's a little note written on it. I've been checking. I don't want to freaking crop it and have to rotate it a little bit. Please just make sure the lines are perpendicular for the look of God. So our advice is to stop complaining and scan the photos. I mean, she's your friend, right? It's only three days.

Jeez, three days of your life? Oh, my God. Your friend has had a really hard life, okay? She's fought a war. She's grown up in communist Poland. I think the problem's not with this girl this uh b i think the problem is with skylar skylar needs to have a little more self-respect yeah you gotta not hang around people who suck all the dick and uh just ditch those people yeah i mean definitely

at least stand up to her maybe she'll respect that and change and be like, all right, cool. Skylar passed the test. She called me on my bullshit, which is a lot. Oh, you think it's a big test. Yeah. Well, I don't know if she's doing a test here. Those are dummy photos. That would be a great idea.

I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, but she might be an awful person. That's a great idea. Like, if you act like an asshole all the time and someone calls you out to be like, I'm proud of you. You did it. You're my friend. Now I can be the real me around here, I'm proud of you. You did it. Now I can be the real me around you. Bigger asshole. Alright, cool. Now I'll start being nice. Make it one day worth of photos.

Plunging a frat where all the brothers are just hazing you for two months and then at the end they're like, alright, we accept you. You're like, I don't like you. You made me fucking eat dog food, you ass. I'm plotting to kill you. Yeah, but they're my best friends. Yeah, it's so weird.

Like, I've just been an awful person. Like, fucking Stink Figgler. Asian Chris. Pug Knuckles. Pug Knuckle. Irish Chris. Irish Chris. Fat Asian Chris.

There's two Asian Chris's. One normal Asian Chris and one fat Asian Chris. So you're saying, look, stare yourself in the mirror, Skyler, and say, the problem's not with the bee. The problem is with me. Wow. If it rhymes, it must be true. Me. Yeah, that's what it sounds like.

It sounds like someone with kind of low self-esteem who like. Yeah, you got to stand up to that. Yeah, who's just going to like sit there and take it. Is there anybody in your life that you would scan photos for three days straight for you my wife an hour of silence you i do it for either of you guys i think so i'd be like i have a photo i have a box of probably 1500 it sounds like you just did a bad job at scanning like there's no way that that task takes three full fucking days how many photos we are we talking about? Yeah. And how old is your scanner? Who has a scanner?

Why not take it to Kinko's? Yeah, who has a scanner anymore? I remember my brother got a scanner for his bar mitzvah in 1992. This is a fake question. I'm starting to think some of these aren't real. Skyler? No, no, no. These are real.

These are real. You're a bad scanner. Our advice is to get a better scanner if you're going to have to do this kind of task, if you're such a pushover that you're scanning people's family photos. Because now all of that girl's friends are being like, oh, yes, Skylar actually scanned all the photos. She did such a nice job. Do you think she'd scan my photos? She's a great scanner.

Oh, yeah. She says yes to anything. Skylar the scanner. Yeah, I know her. Skylar the scanner. Skylar. Yeah, yeah. Skylar.

She starts her own business and makes a million like, Skyler. Scandler. Yeah, yeah. Scandler. She starts her own business and makes a million dollars. Skyler Scandler-ing. Skyler Scandler-y. We have fun. Next question. Let's try to remain on target. That was like a little too much.

Yeah. No more joking around. Let's get like a fucking real answer here. Exactly right. You said this was going to be fun and now you're putting all these rules on it, and I'm still not eating my lunch. There's that pastrami on rye, just three inches below Streeter's nose, aroma wafting up.

It's getting soggy, man. Come on. You know what makes you the most hungry is holding food, but not being able to eat it. Like, I'm not usually like very hungry, but like if I'm carrying like a slice of pizza on a train, I'm like dying of hunger. dying yeah that'd be like a good torture for you if i ever torture you i'll do that i think also like holding a drink at a bar where like everybody's getting like you want to like make cheers or something so you're waiting for everybody just like have it like oh man just one sip that's really would taste nice right now or like the way i feel like the worst

feeling in the world is when you um when you take a stock of all your life and the people who you love uh in your life and you realize that it's all empty and meaningless and these feelings are just manufactured for show and you realize that you're an isolated pinnacle alone uh in in the darkness adrift on a blue rock in the middle of space, completely inconsequential. And the crushing reality of that slams down on you. And you think, if I live, if I die, it doesn't matter at all. But that food thing sucks, too. I'm sorry, I can't breathe.

I'm being suffocated by my own existential dilemma. Holy fuck, that was heavy. But enough about Streeter. I'm kidding. This one comes from Hank. My neighbor... Okay. Oh, okay. No, no, I got it, got it, got it.

This one does come from Hank. My neighbor from childhood is getting married and is having a wedding in late June. I was allowed to bring a plus one and ask my friend who I've had a crush on since freshman year of high school. She knew I had feelings for her then, but nothing came of it, and we've been good friends ever since. I'm quite a bit older now, Thanks, guys. Oh, big big question this is so funny I can't believe he got a plus

one without a uh without a serious girlfriend that's crazy that's totally breaking wedding etiquette right there there's like bit had a wedding so like that's that's what jumps out at him so you're oh so that that like $300 right there for somebody. We don't even know who that person is. I mean, and that's if you're doing chicken. If you're doing the filet or the lobster or whatever, that's like $350. I remember your wedding. Everybody got a Greek yogurt, and that was it.

Yeah, everyone got a fage, a fage yogurt. On the way out. Probiotic. A lot of people got diarrhea. Everybody got a go-gurt on the way in and an oikos on the way out. And it lasted for 23 minutes. Make it count, people. Oikos.

We should get oikos to sponsor this. That'd be cool. This episode is brought to you by oikos. It's our favorite Greek yogurt. Fuck Fijay. You guys should do a fake sponsorship every single time until it comes true. Oh, that's good. You know?

It's actually pronounced Faye. Faye. Yeah, they put it in their commercial. Yeah, because, you know, it sounds a little bit like a derogatory word. Yeah, it sounds like faggy. Oh. Oh. Hey, hey.

We just went blue. Faggy yogurt. Which is actually a different kind of yogurt. Can I address the question? Yeah, should he? I don't remember what the question was. He invited this dream girl to this wedding. Should he go for it or should he try to see if there's any hot girls that are willing to hook up with him?

Right. Dream girl since high school and he's 26. He's got to go for it. He's got to go for it. At a wedding, that's like the place to go for it, right? Wedding's great. That window's going to close pretty soon. Should have closed already if it's 11 years.

Hey, I was in this situation. And? And I went for it. And? It worked out. I mean, you know my wife. It's true. Oh, that's Vanessa.

Yeah, that's Vanessa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. I totally blanked. The yogurt really just messed with my mind. I totally spaced over that entire wedding. We had dinner together last night. You had dinner with Street and Vanessa?

No, I would never. I was just kidding. Oh, cool. I would love to go to dinner with you guys sometime. I'd love to have you. That'd be amazing. Not a mirror. Great.

So I think that it – well, it's sort of weird that this guy is like, should I make a move on this girl I've always loved or hook up with some other hot chicks? Yeah, like this girl is definitely going to the wedding with him. Those are some good options. It's so weird. Like this girl, if she's hearing it like, oh, man, this guy has a huge crush on me. But he's like also considering just hooking up with some random bridesmaid if he feels like it. But that's her fault for not giving in.

Like she made him think that way. She made him think that the window of opportunity is closed. She made him think like I. She made him think that the window of opportunity is closed. She made him think like, I need a backup plan. Right. Because she's been shutting him down for so long, you know? Yeah. But I'd say go for it. Like high risk, high reward.

Go for it at this point. If you don't get it, it's been 11 years. It's not going to happen. But don't bring her to the wedding and then try to hook up if there's any other hot girls. Yeah, that's a horrible idea. Yeah. Because then, I mean, I think there's... You know, bring it to the wedding,

go for it. If that doesn't work, then, hey, you know, 1 a.m., dance floor sort of emptying out, there's a drunk bridesmaid. Hey, maybe it's a drunk bride. Then you make a move.

That's what's up. I actually hooked up... I've hooked up with three brides at weddings. Really? Which ones? One at Streeter's and one at David Young's.

Oh, dude, you didn't know? No, I knew. it was an honor it was an honor you taught her so much oh dude thank you jake is bowing i think like you know what the worst thing you can do is this i feel like the scariest thing for this kid like in in the back of his head, is the idea that he goes with this girl and then she hooks up with someone else. That would be like the ultimate horrible situation. He's totally protecting himself from that situation. Yeah. But like 26, like you're grown up, you know. Well, Jake's 27.

Get there. What would you do? I think I'd probably bring this girl and make a move. And if it doesn't work, then I hook up with somebody else. Or even if it works, maybe like she goes to bed early and I try and hook up with somebody else and make a move and if it doesn't work then I hook up with somebody else or even if it works maybe like she goes to bed early and I try to hook up with somebody else

after that oh you know what a good tip is too? when he gets the hotel room book the single bed but then be all like oh no oh the hotel fucked up oh weird

I can't believe this is there anything is there anything we can do? yeah we can wheel a cot in no no no well that's fine a cot? no I have a bad no. Well, that's fine. A cot?

No. I have a bad back, and she's absolutely not sleeping on the cot. Well, we have a double queen. I wouldn't do that either. I would just have her sleep inside me or inside the room. Actually, you know what? We feel so bad about the mistake. We're going to upgrade you two separate rooms. This plan has gone horribly wrong.

Oh, that's great because I met somebody else. No. It's the groom. Yeah. Oh, that's great because I met somebody else. No! It's the groom. That's actually a pretty good tip. One room, one bed. One room, one groom. It's some

scumbag advice, but I think it works. That's low, but I support it. Also, wait, if this girl's going to the wedding with him, she probably is. That would just not close if If this girl's going to the wedding with him, she probably is. That window's not closed. If she said yes to go to the wedding. Like, everyone knows what's up

when you bring someone to a wedding. Shit's wide open. Why is that? Why are weddings so much more romantic? Because love is on the mind, dude. Yeah, there's a lot of... Everybody looks fucking amazing. Everybody's in suits and dresses.

It's true. It's summertime right now. Oh, my God. Just the... Oh, I'm getting fucking... Open bar. I'm getting summertime right now. Oh, my God. Just a vow. Open bar. I'm getting hot right now. Holy shit. The covenant.

Open bar. A covenant made between two people before the almighty Lord. Oh, my God. Yeah. It gets you hot. It gets you hot. God, hell yeah. Hook up with the bridesmaid.

That's my advice. Ditch the date. Sorry. I'm so all over the place. I'm with Streeter. Bring the girl. Make that move. I'm so all over the place. I'm with Streeter. Bring the girl. Make that move. I'm with both of you guys.

Let us know how it goes. That email again is ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. Send pics. Send pics. Send pics. Send questions. Send intro theme songs. Our email is open to you.

I'm pointing at you guys. All right. We have time for one more question. Are you guys ready? Yeah. Let's do it. This one is from, did we say Marie yet? I don't think so.

This one is from Marie. I've been best friends with this girl since we were five for 20 years. But over the past few years, I feel like I've outgrown her. She is lazy and often depends on her boyfriend and family to support her financially. The last straw was when she couldn't even be bothered to make any effort to see me on my birthday, even though I'd gone through a lot of effort for a few months before her to see her on her birthday. Quit being a bitch. No. What, dude?

That's like a really nice... First of all, you were on your phone that entire question. I missed it. My advice is always quit being a bitch. No. What? That's like a really nice. First of all, you're on your phone that entire question. I missed it. My advice is always quit being a bitch. I'm tindering right now. You're on Tinder for an hour. You looked up. Not listening to the question.

Matches. Matches equal snatches. Yo, when you're on Tinder, matches equal snatches. Okay. That'd be a good sponsor for this. Yeah, Tinder would be dope. I'd be very grateful for that sponsorship. I would like to, like, an upgrade on my Tinder profile.

I don't know what the deluxe Tinder profile is, but, like. I would like another 10 miles of radius for the pro account. It doesn't stretch wide enough. I can't cast wide enough of a net. That's, like legitimate Difficult question It's hard to Come up with an actual answer So I'm not even going to try

It's hard to break up with a friend Yeah friends don't break up They just drift apart Yeah it slowly dies Which it sounds like you're doing right now You gotta let it die This is my theory about friends, and I don't know if I'll be able to articulate it without visuals,

but I imagine every person has a line graph, and then the earlier you meet someone, the more those two lines start drifting apart. So the friends that you made right most recently are your closest friends, and the ones that you made very long ago are probably so far away from you at this point. It's hard to meet a friend at age five and have that trajectory stay the same. Where are we at now, eight years down the road with each other?

Where does that put us? We're closer than my very close high school friends that I made at age 15, but further apart than friends I made two years ago. Really? You haven't made any friends in two years ago? What are you talking about? You haven't even made any friends here. Bloom and Fell, dude?

Rick and Johnny, dude? Oh, my God, dude. We call this, dude, the island. The island, Lonely Island. That blue rock. The blue rock in the middle of space. Crushing loneliness from every direction. Uh, yo.

Sorry. I don't like a really lonely freestyle. Yo, uh, uh-huh. Okay, I'm in like a really lonely freestyle. Yo. Okay. I'm alone in the universe, boy. Even all the connections I have are meaningless. Here it goes. A rapper that talks about how depressed he is.

Go, Jody. This persistence existence is meaningless. Oh, it's meaningless. I'm meaningless. And I'm meaning your fist. And I'm killing this like I'm killing myself. Existentialist. I want an existential list.

Top three ways to kill yourself. Existential list. I'm existentially pissed. When I die, I won't be missed. Hey, after we're done doing this this podcast we should work on the song yeah that's actually not a bad idea we'll introduce the next podcast with her freestyle i think uh i think she should make marie should go out and make a new friend like actively seek new friends instead of trying to like if she doesn't like an old friend anymore then like who gives a shit

we're totally not putting enough effort into your friendship like if that relationship is not making you happy then you just have to it's easy to convince yourself that you're friends with someone because you've been friends with someone for so long but you're a totally different person than you are at age definitely at age five pretty much the same

Jake's playing with a rock right now I still like rocks, and cheese jake uh jake unrolled a whole fruit by the foot then rolled it back up and jammed it all in his mouth after he took the paper off and like wiping still confuses me he put a cheese in his nose like i see what happens i had friends like yeah just because you're like you both like rocko's modern life yeah when you're a kid, you can take wildly different paths. From that point on. Yeah, like, I have friends from home that I was so tight with when I was a kid.

And now they're like, I don't know what happened, but they're into, like, country music somehow. Right. And they, like, drive, like, jacked up trucks and, like, have southern accents. And I'm like, we're just not, this isn't happening anymore. And that's fine. That's okay. You don't meet your wife At age five You meet your wife

At age you know Between 20 and 30 I actually met my wife When I was 10 That's true That's wrong Actually my parents Met each other

When they were in kindergarten But that was an arranged thing Yes Yeah Yeah yeah They wed when they were In sixth grade I was an arranged son

If you can imagine I agree with your line graph theory, although I feel like proximity is everything. You know what I mean? So if you met someone when you're five and you always live next door to them until you're 80, you're probably always going to be tight with them. Right, because you're on the same trajectory.

But this person went here, this person went there. It's hard to come back and meet in that middle because that's the college is the it's the great destroyer of like childhood friendships just ruins them all immediately and you're like oh i have new friends i was the drunker i was the exact opposite i have a tight group of friends from high school and i don't really have any friends that i just made in college because i was like you know awful awful person between the ages of 18 and 22 right yeah you were the worst right yeah yeah i was just mean you were, awful, awful person between the ages of 18 and 22. Right, yeah, you were the worst, right? Yeah, yeah, I was just mean-spirited and ugly and dumb.

You were in juvie and then you went... This dude was in the system, man. I was in and out of juvie. They wanted to send me to jail because he was technically 21, but he was too small. So they said I was able to slide through the bars. Not a jail can hold him. I'm the only 25-year-old that went to juvie. Shit.

I was the Houdini. They called me Judini. The way I slipped out of cages. So my advice, if I were you, let this lady go. Yeah. You had a great run. Cut her loose. 20 years.

That's a great friendship. It's time to find a new friend you can be friends with for 20 years. Yeah, and had a great run. Cut her loose. 20 years. That's a great friendship. It's time to find a new friend you can be friends with for 20 years. Yeah, and then break up with her at age 45. Wouldn't that be nice? Isn't it a beautiful thing about life is being able to have an amazing friend that you just always think about? It's nice how people drift into your life and you can suck maximum amount of joy out of them and then just cut them loose and find a new source of pleasure in a different human being rather than that husk that just blew off in the breeze when you moved to Seattle. Like a hermit crab or a pistachio nut. Your friends are like a shell.

You know? Sometimes you've got to shed it and find a new one. You're their snake skin. Leave them dead in the distance. Snake skin, I make skin. Oh, that's good. Let's write that down for the song. Snake skin, I make skin. Oh, that's good. Let's write that down for the song. Snake skin, I make skin.

I rake in. Oh. Yeah, that cash. That bacon. Yeah, that bacon. Snake skin, I make skin. I rake in that bacon. You reckon I'm messing?

You reckon I'm messing? Well, why you be stressing? I'm lessen. Undressen. I'm alone in the world. I'm alone in the world. I'm alone with the girl. I'm alone in the world I'm alone in the world I'm alone with the girl I'm alone with the girl I'm alone in the world

So yeah the good news is That we are all Specs of dust On an infinite plane And nothing matters So your friend You know 20 years

What's that in infinity I mean based on the Structure of a Of an atom Anyway We're all 99.999 empty space nothing so we're nothing we're what are you we're your empty space uh yo i'm empty space i am empty space mt space that's your rap yeah that's my MC space. Empty space. This is empty MC space. You're a disgrace.

It's case by case. Let's end on that extremely sad, but musical note. Like a minor chord. Yeah, like a B minor. Streeter, thanks so much for joining us. Thanks for having me. Do you have anything you want to plug? I guess I'll...

Can I plug white wine? No, probably not. Oh, let me plug that, though. Well, we get one though. That's my only thing. We get one veto. We each get one veto. So that was his. I might use mine. Oh, God. You can repitch it one more, but...

Vlog? No, I would veto both of those. I guess next stop would be my Twitter. I would have to use the veto on the Twitter. Yeah, I'm going to use my one emergency veto, which we get every 10 episodes. This just seems so stacked against me. Together we each have half a veto that makes one big veto.

Danny DeVito. Danny DeVito, I think he's neato. Eating a Frito instead of a Cheeto. Wearing a Speedo. Holy shit. Alright, yeah, you can plug anything. Okay, yeah, well, whitewine.com. Wine with an H.

White with an H, too. White with an H, yeah. I don't know how else you'd spell it, but that's where I collect first world problems that are sickening. Just sickening to me. It looks like these questions, actually. Yeah, they're very disturbing. Makes you feel better about yourself to read it.

Yes, yeah, yeah. You're like, hey, I Makes you feel better about yourself to read it. Yes. Yeah, yeah. You're like, hey, I'm not the biggest shit that's ever lived. Exactly. Well, check out whitewine.com. And yeah, this is our show. Once again, that email address, please email us in. We need your questions. We feed off them, much like we were talking about earlier,

stealing someone's soul and using it for your own private good. That email is ifireryoushow at gmail.com. Let's get out of here with another brand new theme song. Users submitted. Keep those coming in. This one's from Alex Ledoux. Alex Ledoux. He's such a radio DJ.

Alex Ledoux. This one's from Alex Ledoux. From the racks and stacks of the best on wax, this one's coming to you fresh from Alex Ledoux. If I were you, if I were you If I were you by Jake and Amir They'll tell you how to live your life By giving you some BS advice.