Segments - 90: Nipple Ring

Episode Date: July 21, 2014

In this episode we discuss body piercing, evil birds, and fleshlights. This episode is brought to you by TeePublic.com -- our home for official "If I Were You" t-shirts! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

No advertiser this week, so we can talk about whatever the hell we want. Yeah. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle.

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It's like a rubber candy dish. It's a rubber candy dish, and you guys should know we are doing this ad completely pro bono. X-Floors is a completely new candy dish you can get. Now I'm going to look up to see if X-Floors is actually a thing. X-Floors must be a website, right? We don't actually have an advertiser this week.

But I will say, if Explores is a real thing, let's buy it. Let's look into it, at the very least. It's looking like some sort of weird Greek website. I did look up Explore.gr. But enough about Explore. Let's talk about what we want to talk about. What do we want to talk about? Oh, our new t-shirt store. Oh yeah, so this is

advertising for us. Yeah, thanks to the guys at tpublic.com, which is you know, the same awesome people that started Busted Tees. They now have a new website called tpublic, t-e-e-public.com They let people upload their own shirt designs and if people buy it

then you get a commission. And so they created our they created a store just for us. So we have our own Jake and Amir store on there and our fans can

upload designs and people can buy these shirts and the designers can make money. We already have like 25, 30 designs on here that are really awesome.

Lots of good designs. Lots of funny t-shirts. 30 great designs so we don't need any more. Thank you, everybody. No, no, no. We could use some more. Oh.

Yeah, there's a shirt that says UDU. The more the merrier, everyone. There's a UDU shirt, a Thursday Blast shirt, a Seize the Cheese shirt. Oh, man. Thursday Blast shirt's great. I like this one, the one of me that says, Toe-Dot in a Pocket. I would wear that if it wasn't me.

That's, yeah. Would you wear that shirt? A picture of me in your little pocket? Me in your little breast pocket? I guess I would because I do have you in my pocket, don't I? Oh. Well, now I don't want you to have the shirt, actually. Yeah, well, I just ordered it.

So check them out. Tee Public. We're going to put them on our site, ifirewshow.com, so you guys can check it out from there. Also, we still have a few tickets available. Manchester might be sold out by the time this episode comes out. Oh, snap. We are dangerously close to selling out our show in Manchester.

There's a live show and a live podcast. And then we also have tickets that are still available for our live show in London, which is both a live show and a live podcast. We'll link to that from our website, ifirewoushow.com or seesthecheese.com. Very to-da. Yeah, that's all we got. Enjoy this episode. Things got silly.

Also. Oh. Yeah, good. Real. Real. Enjoy. Another episode on CaesarCheese.com If you've got a question or something that's wrong Jake and Amir, they will know what to do

Tune in to their podcast If I were you Jake and Amir, they will know what to do. Tune into their podcast if I were you. They're always unpredictable and usually bad guys. I really hope you don't get shit advice. So take the photograph and still frames in your mind hanging out shopping good health and good time this is still part of the song how do they get us they would love we should do it once we should write we should make a cover song of something like that oh like cover somebody else's cover like i'll play damn It on the guitar and you'll sing. Sing the lyrics that Chase and Tanvi recorded for us.

Classic Tanvi. Or do you want me to actually just... I think we should write our own theme song. Oh, like the first episode. Yeah, except it'll be harder because it's going to be us doing an actual parody, not just making up some random song. Right, yeah. It'll be hard because we're not good at music.

Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Let's do it. So, we're back. You're back. Welcome back to me. We had one episode without you.

Yeah. That was... Sorry about that. Not gonna lie, that irked me. You weren't actually out of town. That was a weird goof I did on you. I was locked Sorry about that. Not gonna lie, that irked me. You weren't actually out of town. That was a weird goof I did on you. I was locked outside. Yeah.

Just banging on the door. I said, let's pretend Jake's not here. You and Ben doing shit when I'm not there. Really? All right. That's how the contest video started. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're out of town.

Yeah, I'm so jealous still. That's how prank wars started. You're leave town you never leave town yeah i should i should have a video with streeter and a podcast with ben but then that would require someone actually doing the work oh yeah that's tough i'm gonna pass then on the work part in In that case, I'll stick to my original job. Of traveling. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the whole internet, hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. You haven't even heard that episode, have you? That me and Ben one?

I have not. You think you're gonna ever listen to it? I will have a pretty big backlog of these podcast episodes to listen to. Oh, you want to go back and listen to like the last 50 episodes? Yeah, I feel like you have to do it in order. What are we on? I listened to up to 90. Okay.

Yeah. I have some catching up to do. How much catching up do you have to do? I would say maybe the last episode I listened to was, what episode number was like, the one with my mom? I'd guess like 43. That was it. Oh my God. You have over half to go.

That's going to take you two days of continuous listening. But I feel like I'm on the episodes. Like I live the moment. So you do or don't want to listen to it? Do you listen to them? I listen to it when I edit. Yeah, yeah. But you listen to it on double time.

I listen to it a little fast and make sure that I don't mess up or make a joke so badly that I don't want anybody to hear it. Do you ever edit out your jokes? No, rarely. Maybe once or twice. And then in a thousand episodes we'll make a compilation episode of all the jokes yeah all the jokes that didn't land what a terrible episode hey tune in for our worst joke episode it's all the bad jokes everything's bad it's called the cutting room floor love it what are you popping um what is that i was trying

to surreptitiously pop a little a little pimple on my leg and you're calling me out and i bet you're not gonna edit this out are you why should i yeah you'll probably make the audio extra loud so people know that i had a zit on my leg no i like to normalize the audio so that nothing feels too quiet or loud yeah is the zit on your thigh the same as the zit on your face not the opposite on your face when saying you know i also have a zit on my face right now this is so fucked i meant our video podcast we're just going to talk about my bad appearance let's say the zit on my back is that the same as is it on my cheek i i don't know it's like a build-up of uh of white shit yeah this is you as a dermatologist so basically you have a build-up of white shit this didn't feel like the same as

the zit on my face actually this is a good segue into the first question which is about a body part oh uh do you have a fake name for this person uh sure, let's use New York Yankees in honor of Derek Jeter. Hashtag respect. Hashtag respect with a 2 instead of an S. Hashtag respect.

What would you call this guy? Let's call him the Captain. Let's call him Derek Jeter. There's all going to be different names for Derek Jeter. This comes to us from the Captain. All right, the Captain writes, Hey guys, my girlfriend is about to turn 18. I'm 16, by the way,

and she wants to get her nipples pierced as an act of rebellion. Despite her numerous attempts to sell me on how cool it is, I am not convinced whatsoever. I understand that this is not my decision to make, but she clearly cares about my opinion considering I'm the first person she talked to about it. I am really not into body modification at all, and I think she's perfect just the way she is. She hasn't been dissuaded by my mention of the pain and the risk for diseases associated with the procedure and

called me lame and unadventurous. Help me, Jake and Amir. How can I convince her not to go through with this? Or am I completely in the wrong? Much love, the captain. The captain. The captain. El Capitan. Yeah. Oh, captain, my captain.

Sure. Let me just say, Derek Jeter, you can do no wrong. I'm such a fan. I am in awe. This is not actually. I am humbled by what you did for the New York Yankees. And I think however you want to deal with this situation is best. You've never let our team stray.

You've never let me down. Go on with your life. I think we should choose a different theme. Because for every question, I feel like you're just going to tell them that. I salute you. Captain Clutch can do you no wrong. Thank you. Alright, and assuming that this isn't

let's say this is a 16 year old who's born after Jeter even played for the Yankees. Alright, if that's the case. 16 year olds, by the way, born in 1998. Very hot. Wow, I'm young. Yeah. It's crazy to think how young I am. You, I'm young. Yeah. It's crazy to think how young I am.

You want to feel young? New Girl came out three years ago. Yeah. Body modification. Wait, first of all, what are your thoughts on nipple piercings? Do you agree with this guy or are you fine with it? I don't think I would be that turned on. I'm not really into... Would you be that turned off?

No, of course not. You'd be everything's fine whatever everything everything's fine everything's hot everything's sexy you go girl i go boy let's fucking fuck and it doesn't and it'll all be fine yeah okay um i would say it seems like his downfall is that he's not being honest with this girlfriend, who he knows respects his opinion. She's like, what do you think? And he's like, there's diseases associated with that. It might be painful. And that's not what he thinks. What he thinks is that they're ugly and he's unattracted to them.

Yeah. So he's not telling her the truth. And that's causing her to be like, you're lame. It't matter i don't care about diseases i don't care about pain oh yeah i'm fucking badass right he should just be like um i'll think your boobs look ugly and then she of course won't get them no because i feel like she's calling him lame and unadventurous because he's trying to be like no i don't really like it but he's saying in like the most polite way which is like you'll get diseases and and you're perfect just the way you are. But that's lame and not cool.

So you think it would be cool if he's like, I think your tits will look bad? I don't think any of it's cool, but I think that it will be more effective if it's honest. Okay. That's a good tip. That's a good advice. I kind of not agree with,

but I can understand where this guy is coming from. You don't like piercings either. Yeah, I don't like piercings either. You don't even like when a girl has her nose pierced. Yeah, it's true. What about earrings? Earrings are fine, though I'd prefer not. I mean, I just have a, I prefer less jewelry to more.

But the nipple piercings would be like a real weird part. Like, I could imagine if a girl I was dating got, like, her nose pierced, but, like, nipple piercings would be like, whoa, this is kind of a little weird. Like, I feel like I would be the opposite of into it. I would be out of it. Well, it's kind of hard because, I mean, now you would probably date somebody who wouldn't pierce their nipples. And if someone you were dating was like, hey, I'm going to pierce my nipples, it would come as a surprise because the person you would be dating would be not a nipple piercer. Wouldn't you say that's for you? Like, would you be surprised if any of your ladies that you've been with were like,

I want to pierce my nipples? It's kind of surprising. Yeah. Well, I think it's sort of a young thing to do. I wouldn't be surprised if some people in my circles or history would... Yeah, I might have even... I don't know. Have you ever touched a pierced nipple? Yeah. I don't think I would like that. I feel like I would be like, ah, that's sensitive and I don't want to hurt you, and it's also cold. Is it cold?

No, it's like the temperature of the person's skin. Oh, I see. All right, you can get them. I was just worried about the temperature. I didn't want it to be frigid. Like when I reach into a fridge, I don't like touching a cold jar of pickles. Yeah, you know how metal's always cold. Especially in that icebox.

I assume the rules of the fridge are applicable anywhere else. What if you're walking around and it's cold out and you have nipple rings then your nipples will be cold i mean it's just interesting because she's like discovering who she is and she's taking these risks and who is this guy to be like no don't do it and he even says it himself so i'll give him credit he says i know it's not my decision so i think all you can do is be honest and if she rejects it then like let her do her thing and let it run its course she can have pierced nipples for a little bit maybe they'll maybe you'll be even be into them i would

say give them a chance but okay so the advice is be honest tell her you don't necessarily like it but then if she does get it then you have to sort of weigh how much you dislike it versus how much you like her yeah but i mean would you ever break up with someone over the fact that you didn't like their nipple rings if it's like a if it really bothers you then you probably should or maybe it's indicative of a bigger thing like oh i don't like the type of person that gets nipple rings right what kind of person gets nipple rings lots of different people get nipple rings i think that's like what her dad would say lots of people what kind of person gets nipple rings? Lots of different people get nipple rings, I think. That's like what her dad would say. What kind of person gets nipple rings?

No, seriously, what kind of person? I'm wondering. Someone who's curious. Somebody who wants to express themselves in a certain way. Somebody who thinks that they're attractive. Somebody that... It's so painful. Like, imagine someone doing that to your nips i can imagine

it i don't think it hurts that good i would not want to do that yeah i like even for like a lot of money i wouldn't would you pierce your nipples for fifty thousand dollars of course i would for a year yeah you'd keep nipple rings in for a year for fifty thousand. I don't think I would. I don't want that on my tax thing. All right, internet. Kickstarter. Kickstarter. Is that crazy? For you.

I would do it. Because I think you'll do it for $50,000. I don't think so. Just the thought, like, it grosses, it would be like, would you have a cold for a year? Would you have nausea, car sickness for a year? Nipples don't cause you any physical pain they do they do they do cause me physical pain i don't want them you wrote this question i'm crying i can't believe this is fucking happening you're cutting me a

check what what sort of insane billionaire fucking piercing have a fucking piercing gun. Hold him down. How does it work? Does it go through the nipple or does it go around the nipple? It goes like through just under the nipple like on the areola. Oh, no. Like, I feel uncomfortable in bras. What? What? What?

Yeah, I think the advice is be honest and let her do her thing don't put up a fight i all yeah don't put your foot down especially not on her nipples you don't even want to touch your nipples for a couple weeks yeah they're gonna be sore sensitive and not to mention infected because a little bit cool a lot of people want to put uh hydrogen peroxide on their nips you got your eyebrow pierced i got my eyebrow and my cartilage pierced when i was in college right like that's that's an example that's why you're fine with nipple piercing because you've done piercings before right i would never even do that well there's a time when i was in college i I wanted a girlfriend. I remember trying to convince a girl.

A homeless woman. To pierce her nipples. All my friends would be like, you should pierce your nipples. It's so hot. It's sexy. Why is that? What is it? I don't know.

I was 18. What about a tongue? Would you rather do nipples or tongue? I mean, nipples. I think they would get in my way a lot less. My tongue is involved in way more of my day-to-day activities. That's the crazy part, like a bar through your tongue. My God, that sounds so painful and uncomfortable.

We're not talking about the piercing of, you know, the one that's on everybody's mind. The old cheek one. The one that's just a random stud in the middle of your cheek. That's right. Don't appreciate that. That's a cheek one. The one that's just a random stud in the middle of your cheek. That's right. Don't appreciate that. That's a weird one. Actually, there's like some, I don't know if this is a trend now or it always was, but like girls that are piercing their lower backs in a weird way.

And that doesn't really turn me on. Like when I'm watching porn and I see the girl has like a lower back piercing, I can't get off to it. Like a bar. Yeah, just like a bar through her back why what is that i don't understand piercings i really don't get it at all well it's like tattoos it's like jewelry it's like anything it's just people take it to a certain extreme i guess the closest thing i have to any of that stuff is glasses yeah it's an accessory that you think except

it makes you look better. Yeah. And that's what they think, too. So that's like, instead of nice glasses on my face, they think what looks better for them is to have a bar going through their tongue, their nipple, and the tailbone of their back. Nice glasses on my face. You have nerdy loser glasses on your face because your eyes are fucked up. So yeah, you're ugly too. Just in a way that you can't change. They can remove their bar and you need to get LASIK.

Yep. So that's that. All right. Next question. Shit, this one also involves nipples. Nipple piercing. All the questions today are nipple piercing. You had an agenda. All right, this one is a funny question.

I need another name. Let's call this guy number two. Number two. Oh, that's good, because this is question number two. Perfect. It's about taking a shit. Boom. Really?

No, it's not really. All right, ready? I'm going to read it for the first time. You're going to have to listen to it. Sorry. Yeah. Falling asleep instantly. Reading a graphic novel.

All right, ready? Yeah. I am a student who will be going to university in the fall, so I thought I would get a summer job to make some money. Eventually, I found a decent job that pays well, so all seemed to be fine. However, when I first walked from my house to where I was going to be picked up from the job,

an aggressive bird swooped down from the trees right outside my house and passed my head. I could hear his feathers rustle. He was so close. And he took two more swoops at me before I finally got out of the area. Needless to say, this malevolent mockingbird

scared the shit out of me. The bird bastard now sits on a lamppost and stares at me. And stares at me. And stares at me whenever I start... This bird bastard now sits on a lamppost and stares at me. Whenever I start to leave my house

and tries... And tries to attack me almost every single time I walk past him. He only backs off once I start running away. He only backs off once I start running away or swinging at him with whatever i'm holding this nefarious foul has become a real pain as i never want to leave my house it attacks my friends and family too what should i do to get this bastard bird to leave leave me alone so that people won't be afraid to come to my house anymore so that I can

safely get to my summer job. Love number two. Oh my God. I'm crying. It's funny because if birds wanted to, they could just ruin a life. Like, what would you do if a bird, you would be fucked. If two pigeons decide to ruin your life they could no they couldn't yes they could if i could kill a pigeon how so my fuck i'll punch it if two fine if eight pigeons

wanted to ruin your life they could punch you'd what call the police i would punch all of them you cannot punch pigeon if eight pigeons were attacking you... Then I get a BB gun. Whoa. Come at me, pigeon. Let's see it. How would you get it? This is what the movie Birds is based on. If birds wanted to, they could take over the world.

Like, I have nothing around me that would... I guess I could use your baseball bat and just swing wildly at the bird. We should do a preemptive attack. you're actually kind of freaking me out we got to kill all birds actually there's one outside right now give me the bat fuck dude let's fucking play bird baseball kill every bird um and uh oh it's so funny he stares at me when i'm in my house he just fucking waits. Nefarious foul. My friends are afraid to come over. It started off by saying, like, I have a summer job and I don't know how to balance this stuff. Also, a bird attacks me and I don't know what to do.

I have a bully that's a crow. Yeah, a winged beast. A winged beast bully. A beaked bully. I guess there's nothing you can... I don't know. You can get a... Slingshot.

BB gun. Or kill it with kindness. That's right. Take a kind bar and put it in the slingshot. I think... Or you can get a bird feeder and feed it every day. Just bring little pieces of bread or seeds. Yeah. And then make it your friend. Fiberglass in the seeds. Yeah. No, no, no. get a bird feeder and feed it every day just bring it little pieces of bread or seeds yeah and then

and then like fiberglass fiberglass in the seeds yeah no no that way when it eats it it just shreds you're in elementary school and you like pull the girl whose hair pull the girls uh who you have a crush on you pull her hair oh so this bird's just trying to fuck this guy yeah i think he's i think he's just attracted to him yeah i think i think the bird just likes you yeah maybe you look like a bird yourself maybe you have like beak, a long nose or something. And feathers and wings. Yeah, I started to think this whole email was written by none other than a bird.

Did it specify that he was human? It says at the end, P.S. I'm a bird. So yeah, it's just bird on bird bullying. Yeah. Humankind is safe. Alright. Next real question? Yeah.

Next question? Number three. Number three. Oh, we need another Derek Jeter. Jeet. Jeet. Was that a real one or just one that you call him? I call him the Jeet.

Yeah. The Jeet Hey bros here's the thing I'm currently with this very girl who's very sexual And always horny She's perfect sexually and it is great Here's the problem She doesn't like it when I jerk off a couple days before we hang out

Because she says She would rather do it herself And likes it better when I'm very horny. She gets very jealous if I do it and doesn't understand why I have... She gets very jealous if I do it and I don't understand why and I have confronted her about it multiple times. But every time she shrugs it off and I don't know what to do. Is this normal? Have you guys ever experienced anything like this?

Please help me out with this one. You guys are hashtag dope. We get a lot of questions about, like, girls who are jealous of their boyfriends masturbating. Yeah, why is that? I guess you can't be jealous of, like, your own self, right? Oh, is it because you're thinking of somebody else? Or because you're actually jealous

that somebody else is jerking off your man, even if it is your man? It's probably a little bit of both. So, like, one, they're jealous that somebody else is jerking off your man even if it is your man it's probably a little bit of both so like one they're jealous that like he's looking at something else to get off right like oh i'm gonna look at this girl's tits instead of your tits right and two maybe this is all speculative hearsay cockamamie cockroach bullshit. Yeah. But I think it also might maybe in her mind, like if he masturbates, he lowers his libido. He his dick won't be as big. It's just true.

Hard. It won't come as much. I don't know. I feel like I get erections that are pretty much the same size no matter how much i jerk off i guess there's come less there's a full restart like if you masturbate at what point are you back to where you were if you didn't masturbate does it take like an hour does it take a day i don't know this science man this is beyond yeah but this is like college yeah this is science you've been doing research for for like 20 years

yeah that I oh cause I mastered it yeah I mean I think I could probably jerk off twice in back to back twice

you can have multiple orgasms I don't think that it like stays hard but I think by the time that I'm like gonna come mom turn off the podcast I know that was late I hope I hope you you had the

wherewithal to turn it off as we started talking I could actually edit that part your mom turn it off where would you please yeah that'd be perfect loops back around um I think I don't know I guess it probably it varies from erection to erection but I would say that if she's upset that he jerks off a couple days before she visits, she's going to get a good dick regardless. Yeah, that's a full reset. That's very much a full reset. I would say even 24 hours is another one. 24 hours full reset.

I would say. Yeah. I mean, I think he could jerk off in the morning and see her in the afternoon. I think that's for sure. And that's a full reset. I don't know. It depends on how much, how attracted to each other you guys are. Because maybe that's also something, you know, like, his libido goes down because he's ejaculated.

So he's like, he's not as randy as he would be. Randy. Because sometimes I feel pretty randy. Yeah. And then, like, I'll masturbate and I'll feel way less randy. Yeah. Like, do I make you horny, baby? Yeah. I'm like, I don't know. Yeah. Dude, I am very, I'm riled up. I'm randy. Yeah. And then, like, I'll masturbate, and I'll feel way less randy. Yeah, like, do I make you horny, baby? Yeah, I'm like, I don't know.

Yeah, dude, I am very, I'm riled up. I'm randy. I'm aroused. And then, uh-oh, I'm totally flaccid. I'm thinking about books. Yeah. And then, like. That's not dandy.

Yeah, I'm not randy or dandy. At that point, I'm just sitting around eating candy. Are you? You actually eat a lot of candy. I eat too much candy. And I masturbate into the wrappers. Now that's a sweet tart. What?

I said, now that's a sweet tart. What about the thought that when you're in a relationship, can a girl get offended that you're masturbating because you're thinking of other girls? I think that I have always thought that was a little kooky oh like i think that's not fair yeah like when you're in a relationship girls can masturbate thinking of other guys guys can masturbate thinking of other girls and that doesn't affect how much you love the other person i think so i think that masturbating is i mean that's just like telling

me that i can't think of anything like a brain police yeah no that's not you can't have that that's a dystopian future that's like big brother shit that's an Orwellian dystopian it's 1984 meets animal farm

meets animal house meets 1969 meets animal house meets animal sex meets the fuckers meets 1969, meets Animal House, meets Animal Sex, meets John Belushi, meets Jim Belushi, meets the Fockers, meets the Parents,

meets the Deedles, meets the Deedles, meets the Flintstones, meets the Jetsons. Thank you. And that's, at the end of the day, that's too much Mica. Mica, Mica.

Mica, Mica. Hey, Mica! You're killing me, Mica! You're killing me, Mitzah. Hey, Mitzah. You're killing me, Mitzah. You're killing me, Mitzah. The bird question really broke down everything in this podcast. So, is this normal, is this first question? I think it is. It's not.

It's normal, but that doesn't make it okay. I think if you're unhappy with something, then you've got to discuss it, and you should try to make your point of view heard. And if you feel like that she's not going to give in, and it's not a sustainable thing, then you could say that and see where that takes you. Or you can play this part of the podcast where two adults are telling you that it's okay to masturbate

thinking about other stuff while you're in a relationship. Yeah, and she'll be like, oh, I guess they're right. And then she'll hear us going, Mitzah, Mitzah. She'll be like, we're not going to listen to these children, these cavemen. They're getting off to noises, different weird noises. They don't have any effect on our lives. No. We shouldn't give them any prudence.

I don't think we deserve prudence. Yeah, we're imprudent. Dear prudence, won't you come out to play? Break time. Todah. Didn't you say you had a story for me? Oh, yeah.

I was in Vegas last weekend, and I was playing poker. Very nice. That's fine. Flop comes out, nine of diamonds, ten of diamonds. No, I'm just joking. Yeah, it was like on board.

Some guy, some 21-year-old, really nice kid, awesome kid, just turned 21, playing poker. Big fan of college humor. Oh, cool. Recognized me, knew about you. And then I said, what do you do? And he's like, I'm a tennis instructor. I'm a student. But he's also head of operations for his brother's company.

And I'm like, what is your brother's company? So he's like, it's better if I just show you this Instagram. And the Instagram he showed me is this. This is his whole company. They make warning slippery floor signs in the shape of bananas. Look how many followers that Instagram account has. Banana underscore products for those of you on Instagram and they want to see. 1,700 followers. Yeah, and all their pictures are of their product that are just

warning signs for slippery floors shaped like bananas oh my god and he says it's a very successful business they sell very well they have employees they have a warehouse in china they just sell a lot tens of thousands of these banana warning for slippery signs. I'm like, how did that even start? He said, because it started one night when his other brother got really drunk and came up with the idea. And then now it's a whole business. That's insane.

Yeah. So if you guys want to check it out, you can't really buy one. You have to be like, if anyone's a buyer at a hospital and wants to purchase 12,000 at a time, the Instagram is banana underscore products. I just love stupid ideas that end up being like legitimate, awesome, successful businesses. Yeah. Like, will those just sell forever? I don't know.

They can replace the other cuidado signs. Yeah, I guess. I mean, it is a thing. It is a product. He was at a high stakes no limit table he pushed me all in for 23 grand i'm like holy shit where'd you get that cash son he showed me the banana instagram and i folded instantly wow banana products uh not a official advertiser for the show but i feel like they deserved a shout out. And the best thing, I was like, you guys should make a green one. That's like an unripe banana.

And then he showed me this photo. It already exists. You're already ahead of the game. We're one step ahead of you, Bloomin' Phyllis. That's why I'm head of operations and you're losing poker to me. I don't know if he listens to the podcast, but good man. Great kid. What's his name? I don't know. All right. the podcast, but good man, great kid. What's his name? I don't know.

All right. Very nice. That's my story. Do you have a funny story for the break? Hate to put you on the spot. Oh, yeah. It was my brother's 21st birthday this past week. Oh, another 21.

Yeah. Whoa. These are both about kids that just turned 21 oh wow that's on july 13th wow i wonder i must have like registered that in my head yeah he must have so uh for his birthday my buddy and i decided uh to fill up uh a watermelon with vodka uh-huh so we like we're kind of drunk already and we cut three holes into a giant watermelon is that how it works did you look online how it works or you just probably like this you like done it before oh so this is based on past experience right but

the original one hadn't worked out very well because there was only like one hole one bottle of vodka so this time we did we tripled it up we did a big watermelon three holes three smaller bottles of vodka yeah and then you just put them in pork them in like a pork pork pork them in like a syringe yeah left them there overnight oh as it trickles out slowly and gets absorbed into the fibers of the watermelon so we wake up next morning gotta go to my brother's birthday party. Where are you right now? I'm in New York. Oh, and the party is? In Connecticut, two hours away.

And we just like, it hadn't occurred to me until like literally that second as we're like packing that we needed to carry the watermelon from Brooklyn to New Haven. A hundred miles holding this bizarre heavy science project. So yeah, like a half a mile walk to the subway. A hundred miles holding this bizarre, heavy science project. So yeah, like a half a mile walk to the subway. Holding a heavy watermelon. It starts, it was like super humid. And literally as we left the apartment,

it started raining. Oh God. So it's just like, it's raining. It's humid. It's hot. I'm hung over. We're late.

We're trying to make this train. We had two transfers. We finally got to, uh, we got to the train. We lugged the watermelon all the way home and uh my brother hated it oh he hated it he said uh he said it was a waste of my time a waste of my effort and more than anything a waste of my money and i said micah this cost me you know eight bucks all in it had nothing to do with money it's the gesture but he was already he

had thrown it out at that point yeah he said he was already eating a honeydew filled with tequila he didn't need your shit yeah no he had he had poured uh um ricin into a pineapple it's funny on the podcast that i did with ben we were talking about new york and i'm like when i go back to new york now i feel like it's an obstacle course. And probably, as I was saying that, you were running with a tin filled with watermelon on a syringe going through a subway turnstile. It's true. The other athletic thing I did this weekend was I went spinning, which you also did. Yeah. Did I talk about this on the show?

I don't know. I don't think we did. We both went spinning for the first time. We went spinning. Yeah. It hurts. We went spinning, and first time. We went spinning. Yeah. It hurts. We went spinning and it feels like we're winning. Yeah.

I felt like I was losing quite shortly afterwards. I lost a lot of water. I lost a lot of fluid. I sweat. I sweated so much. Were you, you were afraid that you wouldn't like it? Yeah, because I don't like when things are loud. Right.

Which is one of the... The whole thing about spinning is that you're on a stationary bicycle with like 20 other people in a dark room while an instructor yells at you and there's loud music playing. Right, so that sounds like my worst nightmare because I like to run with like no music. And if I'm running it all to music, it's like folk music. It's Simon and Garfunkel.

It's very relaxing. It's not EDM. Right, but this shit was hot it was really fun well i mean like the music it was cool like i was dancing on the bike it felt like i was in a club that's what it is it's like left right left right you have to do it to the beat right so it's kind of cool because it's sort of it's not it's like i wouldn't want to like loud music at the gym but you do want loud music when you go dancing. And that's what it felt like. I was like dancing and sweating. It was really, really hard.

It's like bike dancing. Yeah. So are you going to go again? I would go again, but I don't know if I would go on my own accord. Like it's so hard. Would you take my accord? Yeah. If you could like, if we... No, my 94 accord. Yeah. Well, maybe like we Uber a guy that has a Honda Accord.

It would be an Uber X. Yeah. Yeah. I would Accord. Yeah. Well, maybe like we Uber a guy that has a Honda Accord. It would be an Uber X. Yeah. Yeah. I would like that. Yeah. That way we could take my Accord. But I would do it again, but only if someone made me.

Like someone has to make me go to the class and then the instructor has to make me pedal. Yeah. Someone has to physically lift, carry you like the watermelon. Yeah. Ideally somebody else is doing the bike and I'm just sort of eating watermelon. That way it's the best of both worlds ideally someone's biking and i'm eating watermelon ideally but it's a good alternative to running it gets your heart rate faster than it would because you're not going to sprint for 45 minutes

great alternative to running for sure and then you're just never going to do it again we should we're doing like a lot of free advertising. First banana products, now cycling. Cycle. And also watermelon. Yeah. You're welcome. This episode is brought to you by watermelon. All right.

You want to get to the last question? I do. I actually have five questions. So why don't you choose? You want to do questions? Oh, never mind. This is the one I want. All right. Do you have another nickname for Derek Jeter?

Did we do Captain Clutch? I think I just said The Captain. We could do Captain Clutch for sure. Captain Clutch writes, Hey, guys. I've emailed in a few times before, but I think this is my stickiest situation. I'll cut to the chase.

I haven't fucked a girl in three years. I was doing some browsing on Reddit, and I saw someone talk about flushlights, and my curiosity was piqued. I've been looking at the flushlights for the past week now, and I'm wondering which one I should get, or if I should even get one at all. Would I be a fucking loser if I did?

Would it be the right thing? This part is for Jake. Who should I get? I like Lisa Ann and Christy Mack. Thanks for your advice. Captain Clutch. Alright. Very toadah. Episode 90, first question about

fleshlights. First of all, is it possible that some people don't know what fleshlights are and we should explain? I think it's probably not likely, but I'd like to hear you explain what a flashlight is regardless. Okay. So imagine a cylinder, sort of like, let's say, a Coke bottle, a plastic Coke bottle. A flashlight. Yeah.

Holy shit. That makes sense. I've been drinking the wrong soda for a year. All right. Imagine you're holding a magnum flashlight, a big flashlight. Right. Or an ultra magnum Coke bottle. Yeah.

Or two liter, sliced open at the top. But instead of a light at the top, what it is is a sponge shaped like a vagina or any hole really. And the goal is to have a tight little opening for you to fuck. And then your cum gets the receptacle where you're holding the flash slash fleshlight is where the semen goes. Yeah. Is fleshlight a brand?

I think it is. So we're talking about like... Talking about somebody that started a weird company that was wildly successful. a brand like i do i think it is so it's a specific so we're talking about like talking about somebody that started a weird company that was wildly successful i bet they also haven't shaped like bananas they are this is the fourth product we're advertising today all right fleshlights so then but it's weird a fleshlight probably could be an advertiser on our show right i bet we could court them all right let's put a pin in that all right put a pin that's shaped like a vagina in that uh so we at college humor got a shipment of fleshlights when in 2007 yeah um and there was did you did you take one home i did not okay i had a lady friend at the time and i felt

like that would be weird right i didn't take one home either mom turned off the podcast so i took one home so i took home 12 and they it was it was kind of awesome it felt really good it didn't necessarily feel like it still felt like masturbating it didn't feel like i was having sex, but it felt better. It felt really good to come in it. So are you stroking it up and down with your hand or are you putting it in between couch cushions and fucking it? I don't know. I think I'm sure everybody does it differently.

I just held it and masturbated with it. And the one downside was that it was, well, a couple. It was a little heavy. After the fact? No that it was, well, a couple. It was a little heavy. After the fact? No, it was just, I filled it up that much. Pound and a half, I'd say. It's like normally you're masturbating, you're just, it's lotion going up and down your dick.

And this is like you're shaking a, it's a shake weight. You're just lifting a flashlight up and down. Yeah. But it did, it felt really good um did it feel like a vagina it didn't necessarily feel like a vagina did it feel soft and fuzzy like the thing that's on our microphones no no it felt it felt like a you were fucking um a jar full of petroleum jelly oh really tighter yeah it felt it was like did it feel like loose turkey meat no it felt tight tighter than turkey meat like deli thin sliced what, it felt tight. Tighter than turkey meat?

Like deli thin sliced? What are you? I can't. A bowl of turkey meat? Of course it was tighter than a loose bowl of turkey meat. Of course. Of course. Of course.

Imagine Jell-O. Okay. But I've never fucked Jell-O. You fucked a loose bowl of turkey meat. What? A bowl of loose turkey meat. You fucked that. I'm not talking about like ground turkey.

I'm talking about like deli thin sliced. You're talking about fucking it. Yeah. Okay. The sad thing with the fleshlight. Low sodium, yeah. Oh, what were you going to say? You're putting turkey down your pants right now.

I can wait. I have an Oscar Mayer wiener. What were you saying the sad part is? Very nice. Oscar Mayer wiener. I like that. That's good. I liked that.

Yeah. The sad part is cleaning it. Yeah. Because when you masturbate with like paper towel or a sock or a rag. You can't throw it away. It a sock or whatever it's in the laundry it's down the toilet it doesn't matter i don't think about it i never masturbated that never happened but this thing you like come and you're like oh all right there's a jar of my semen that i need to uh rinse it's almost like having real sex with someone where you

are in the moment, you come and you're like, oh my god. We have to clean ourselves. Yeah, can I get you a wet paper towel now? This isn't sexy anymore. It's logistical. But it does, I think it feels really good.

My advice to this guy is get it in addition to having sex. This isn't going to be the band-aid that cures all, that fixes your dry spell. You're still going to want to have sex, but it's probably worth checking out if you're curious. It's not gross, is it? Or like, it's not...

Well, first of all, you don't have to tell anybody. Yeah, I don't think it's sad. I don't think it's pathetic. People get lots of different shit to masturbate with. Girls vibrators dildos guys get vibrators oh that's a good that's a good thing porn girls girls get vibrators guys can get their little aids guys get aids too guys will get they can get dildos everybody can get dildos i shouldn't say aids and as and yeah girls get dildos guy get get AIDS. I'm a bad sex counselor. So we're here to tell you that it's okay.

To hear about a fleshlight salesman. Don't worry, guys can have AIDS too. And his last question for you. Who should he get? Lisa Ann or Christy Mack? I don't think that really matters. I guess I would get christy mack because i think she's otter does it help um i remember when we got ours like some were anuses some were

lips some were vaginas some were coin slots nondescript just nothing and i mean that way it feels like you're fucking a slot machine it's all putting your dick in something warm uh wet and really really tight it's warm, wet, and really, really tight. It's warm and wet? How does it, are you supposed to soak it? It comes with lube,

so you put lube on your penis, and then put that thing around your penis. Oh, interesting. It's sort of like, you know what, maybe it's more like

Dr. Scholl's. Can you imagine a really tightly rolled up Dr. Scholl's gel insert? Yeah, like an insert. It's like gel. Yeah, so it is kind of like fucking that loose turkey meat,

because that's what I imagine it's like. You imagine turkey meat feels like gel? Yeah, like a little bouncy, a little thin. I just don't think your analogies are off today. You described a flashlight that looked like a Coca-Cola bottle and gel that feels like turkey meat. I feel like if I put turkey meat in your shoe, that would be close to it.

It's a good, if you need Dr. Scholl's insert in a pinch, and you should know about the pinch. The pinch. In a pinch, you should use your turkey meat. After this, let's go to our meat drawer and masturbate with turkey. I want you to throw it all away. Let's do it.

All right, that's it. That's our time. Get the fleshlight, no big deal. And Lisa Ann, I guess, or you said Christy Mack? I said Christy Mack. And Christy Mack, if you're listening, to-da. To-da to you and yours.

The email address, again, if you have your own problems, is ifirayoushow at gmail.com. I just realized we didn't explain what the show is in this episode. Oh, yeah, right. We just said the only advice podcast on the internet. Maybe this is the time we start phasing it out. Though that being said, if you're still curious as to what the hell that was,

we get emails from people who are in difficult places. We do say advice. I guess we don't say like... We get emails. No, we should probably say it. So if you have your own problem and you want to email us, it's ifirayoushow at gmail.com. If you have your own theme song,

we still start and end every episode with a custom theme song written for us by our talented fans. The first one was by Chase and Tanvi, two people, and this last one is by someone named Harris. So thanks, guys. We'll be back next monday and uh yeah that's it later Jake and Amira of a podcast show Where they dish out their two cents

They like to break up relationships And look at problems through a humorous lens Jake's a monster who's good in a pinch A miserable bot who hurts furry things They protect your anonymity. And they'll get you out of a cinch. If I were you, I wouldn't be a jerk. I would kill myself in a coffee shop.

If I were you, I would read a book. And try to learn the silver lining piece. Hey, what's going on? I'm Brody Jenner. I am Dr. Mike Dow. We are inviting you guys to come check us out. It's the Brody Jenner Podcast with Dr. Mike Dow. It is a fresh take on life's biggest dilemma, love.

You got Dr. Mike Dow who's a couples therapist. You got me. I'm not the best, but I do a pretty good job. We'll have a different celebrity guest each week joining the conversation with us. We are serving nothing but love and relationships on the Brody Jenner Podcast. Go download it every Thursday at podcastone.com. That is podcastone.com. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets.

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