Segments - 91: Meddling

Episode Date: July 28, 2014

In this episode we discuss honesty, honestly. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com! The easiest way to create an awesome website. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N dot com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order

and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. The time but Squarespace is the easiest and basically the only way if you're an idiot like me, to build a professional-looking website, portfolio, or online store. It's beautiful. It's simple. Drag and drop, 24-7 live support.

Plans start at just $8 a month, and it gets even lower than that if you use our coupon code. That's IFIWEREYOU. So if you go to squarespace.com slash IFIWEREYOU and put in that coupon code IFIWEREYOU, you'll get 10% off their already low, low price. You can even do a free trial. So if you're not ready to commit any money quite yet, but you're just a little curious to learn more about this Squarespace thing, do check them out. And not only that, but a lot of these plans even include a domain name. And I know what you're thinking. All the good domain names are taken.

Well, if you guys act fast, I found four pretty great ones that are available at the time of recording. For example, pinkguacamole.com. Yeah, that it's definitely visual. leanmuffins.com. You know, if you wanted to start like a blog about lean muffins, that would be a good one. My name isn't dale.com. That's a good blog for basically anyone who's not named Dale. Also kind of ironically funny if your name is Dale, if that was your website name. And lastly, fartresses.com. You know about fortresses? Well, this is like that, but made out of farts. So it's fartresses.com. These are all domain names that are available to build amazingly beautiful, nice, cleanly designed websites using Squarespace, specifically our promo code squarespace.com slash if I were you.

All right, let's just let's get started. Don't worry, things got real in this episode. Enjoy. Uh huh. You'll have one last problem after this girl. Dick and Amir is gonna help you. They really wanna help you. That's why I started a podcast that is called If I Were You. Tell them your problems and they will solve them with their humor and a lot of jokes at your expense. Head in the clouds, got no weight on my shoulders. Thanks to the strangers I listen to online. I got one less, one last problem. Thanks to Jake and Amir.

Send your question to ifIwoshowatgmail.com. Peace. I'm out of here. Well, I mean, start the show. That's what I meant. Philip from Sweden very very very nice very Philip from Sweden

that was very classic him wasn't it isn't it good that other countries have to learn our language that way they can sing our songs and submit to our podcasts and listen to our shows you're a bad person can you imagine if we had to learn

the languages of all of our fans? That would be a waste of our time. What if our fans in Thailand... You don't deserve to have fans. Let alone worldwide audience. Because you're not happy that you have them.

You're just happy that they speak your language. I'm Mr. Worldwide, actually. Yeah. I have lipstick stamps on my passport. Yeah, I think I need a new one. Wow. Because look at all these stamps on my... It's ruined my passport.

It's unusable. Plus I'm due for a renewal anyway. Border control doesn't accept this. Lipstick stamps? Where were you? No. The Virgin Islands? Hey, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us.

I'm Jake. And I'm Amir. I like that we swing now. Yeah. Not talking about the intro. We literally, we swing. Yeah. Not talking about dancing either.

Right. We swing. I'm not talking about like a tire on a tree either. Yeah, no. Okay, we actually... We fuck each other. Okay. I was talking about golfing.

Oh. We go golfing together. Oh my God. Golf swing. Oh. We fuck each other afterwards. Yeah. I don't think that's swinging though.

That's just something we do. Yeah, swinging is if we had wives and we switched it up. Oh, yeah, the opposite of swinging. We just fucked each other. Would you ever swing if you were married and things were getting a little stale and then another married couple came over? Maybe if things were getting really, really stale and I didn't feel threatened by the other dude.

You would imagine a world where you could swing. I'd have to really, really, really, really want to fuck this dude's wife. Yeah, of course. Yeah, I don't know. That's sort of like if you had a wife and you could fuck Natalie Portman. I would do it. Sorry. What was the question? You had to kill your wife. I would do it. Sorry, what was the question?

You had to kill your wife. I would do it. Sorry, what was the other question? You had to kill your wife in order to fuck Natalie Portman. I would do it. You're a murderer. Fuck it, I'm going to fuck my wife and hope for the best.

I feel like it's going to lead to the Portman blow. At least. At the very least, I'll go to third base. How about I strangle my wife? She goes into a medically induced coma. And even if nothing happens with me and Portman, you know, I'll go to my grave knowing that I tried. At the very least, I'd like to finger her for a strangle.

I'll strangle for a finger. If anybody listening has a line out there. So, how does it work? We get emails from people. And these people are in desperate situations. They email us at ifireyoushow at gmail.com. They ask our advice. And this is the show in which we do it.

Interesting. New intro. I wouldn't say it's better. This is the show in which we do it interesting new intro i wouldn't say it's better this is the show in which we give it this is the show in which we do it all right in which we give said advice in which we people call people people email people excuse me you're high people email us in yeah questions asking for advice and this is the show where we do it. Then we have another show where we don't do it. That's a different show entirely. Just the one you did with Ben. This is the one that we do, the advice one.

It's funny how 90-some-odd episodes in, still perfecting the explanation. Yeah. Not quite 100%. I would say it's charming. Yeah. I think we perfected the art of charming through the intro. Yeah. I mean, at the very least, we got expensive microphones.

That's pretty good. That's an improvement. That's saying something. That we spent money. We spent cash, honey. The idea. This voice is good. What?

Nothing, actually. Dude, let's do the whole entire podcast in that voice. All right. Let's treat me like one of your lovers. Fuck. All right. Fuck, I'm locked into this. Oh, no, baby.

I don't even know what I'm trying to... What do you imagine when I do that? An old drunk lady? Yeah, I guess an old... Or like an effeminate younger man? Yeah, I think I was imagining more of like an older effeminate man. Yeah. Either way, I'm smoking a cigarette out of like one of those cigarette extenders.

Right, definitely. Yeah, bitch. What was that about? What are those? Like, what's the point? So I don't get cigarettes from all my fucking fingers? Is it? No, no, no.

Just like a really long e-cigarette. An e-cigarette extender? What's the point of the cigarette extenders? Is it so that your fingers don't smell like cigarettes? Maybe. Here's like just kind of sexy looking. I don't know. I'm not an expert in that. Or in anything. Hey, let's answer some questions.

Alright. This guy says he has a quick question. So maybe we should start with that one. That sounds good he has a quick question, so maybe we should start with that one. That sounds good. Just a quick question. What should we call this dude? Keep in mind he's English. Let's call him...

Let's call him the most famous English person I know. Hugh Laurie. Winston Churchill. Winston Churchill. Is a close second to Hugh Laurie. Hugh Laurie it is. Hugh Laurie writes, Hey Amir and the Pinch.

Here's the situation. Here's the situation. Got my Tinder game on point, and I've been talking to this girl who's pretty down to bang. Problem is, I'm not sure if I want to due to the fact that I don't find her attractive. Should I just hit it and quit it? She's made it clear she wants a relationship, but I don't feel like she's the one. So am I a diva scumbag for fucking her?

Thanks, Hugh Laurie. Hugh Laurie. Yeah. Mr. Laurie, House MD himself. He's Hugh Laurie-ous. fucking her thanks hugh laurie hugh laurie yeah mr laurie house md himself he's hugh laurius uh wait he said he said this girl's down to bang but i don't find her attractive she wants a relationship is on tinder yeah you don't have to have a no why does she he's worried that she wants to have a relationship he's worried that he shouldn't fuck a girl That he's not attracted to Because it's like

Oh he's leading her on in some way I think he is attracted to her Oh If he wants to fuck her Then he's attracted to her He's just like Oh but she's not conventionally attractive So I wouldn't want to like date her

Or bring her around to my friends Right But if he's gonna fuck her He's like At least somewhat attracted to her But is that true? Yeah I fuck ugly people all the time But I'm attracted to them

Would you say But haven't you also slept with people You're not attracted to? Oh yeah definitely But I'm attracted to them in some way When you get drunk You get attracted to them Well yeah

That's pretty easy But also like Even when they're ugly I'm probably attracted to them In some like Deep dark corner of my body Yeah In the deepest darkest corner of theirs

Just yeah Well yeah definitely Right Our yeah and the deepest darkest corner of theirs just yeah well yeah definitely right our genitals the deepest darkest parts so i guess it's weird because it's like oh don't don't sleep with someone you're not attracted to but by definition if you sleep with them are you attracted to them yeah like i'm not sorry i'm just like really not into you oh my penis is hard your vagina's wet i guess we are yeah and our bodies are saying that we are so i guess i am attracted to you so you're saying if you felt if he feels this way just for a moment maybe you could be with some maybe you could like be around someone like oh this guy's

gross and this girl's gross and then like something happens you're like whoa i'm riled up i'm turned down and then you do it and you like come and then you're like oh shit i wasn't feeling that as much as i thought it was yeah i feel bad so maybe he can see that he can see himself doing that and he's worried because he might feel bad because she wants more right he's quote unquote leading her on perhaps well it sounds like they have they've matched on tinder and she wants to bang and she wants to relation a relationship it doesn't sound like it's that serious you're probably not like so maybe if maybe this is what he should do he should say hey i really don't want a relationship but i'm down to hang out right does that that means like hey i'm down to sleep with you but

i don't want to see you ever again after the fact i was yeah just like hey yeah let's meet up i just like if you like if you're worried you know i think you would say something like hey let's meet up just to be totally up front i'm not looking for anything serious but i think it'd be fun uh to meet up sometime oh yeah then that's like the that's the vague polite socially normal way of saying i don't want to date you, but I'm down to bone once or twice. Yeah. And if she responds to that, then you can go for it. You don't have to feel bad. You're not a scumbag. Right. But if she says

no, then it's like, okay, you don't have to lie to her and be like, no, never mind, I do want a relationship and then sleep with her. Yeah, I think you go with this. This is the method, the path of least resistance right which is the the honest truth always almost always the truth will set you free except when it doesn't in which case the lie sets you free and i could actually get behind that bitch yeah it's like american or english is not your first language no yeah i learned it like

30 years ago how old are you 48 but i've been 48 for 12 years hot a you're dead. You're a crypt keeper. You're an old gay skeleton. That's what that character is. I'm melting. All right, next question. Yeah. This one's pretty great. What, are we just doing British people?

We're giving these real emails from real people fake names to preserve their anonymity in case y'all were wondering. We're giving these real people British names to preserve their anonymity in case y'all were wondering. We're giving these real people British names to preserve their British-nimity. Yeah. They're completely untraceable in England, but you know who they are everywhere else in the world. Another Englishman? Perhaps an Englishman who went up

a mountain and came down, or went up a hill and came down a mountain? Huh? It's a Hugh Grant movie. I was gonna say sir edmund hillary the guy that climbed uh mount everest okay that works too you're choosing sirs and i'm sure choosing hughes so uh hugh grant writes um hey guys help out if you can i cheated on my gf of three years like three weeks ago with someone i met at work got her number and had sex like three hours later never saw her again she was in ny for a week and she moved back to oklahoma or whatever so i felt like she would never find

out since the girl's not from around here but she like fell in love with me and kept texting me. And I was all like, it was a one night stand, like chill and deleted her number. And my girlfriend read one of her incoming texts on my phone saying I miss your dick or something crazy. And found out that I cheated on her after talking to this girl who told her everything. I want to get my GF back. It's been two days and I explained everything honestly in emails to her that I deaded like hundreds of girls before that were DTF and it was a one time thing and I really do love her and I fucked up. It's been two days and this other girl has been sleeping over at my crib I've been seeing too and wants to be with me like waiting for me and my girlfriend to break up but my question is how can i get my gf back after cheating on her because i really do love her and i want to be with her and is it cool for me to be with this other girl while me and my ex are on a break because you know i need that sex like question mark question mark what love hugh grant

hugh that guy's probably our coolest fan right it's funny to say that this guy who's serial cheats on his girlfriend is our coolest fan yeah but yeah he is definitely yeah so this girl be like what and then his girlfriend be like what and And now he has this other girl who's over. Can you sleep with her? I deaded like a hundred girls. Yeah, that's a cool word to say. I deaded. I got to dead that girl, man. Imagine being so attractive that you have to come up with a word

for rejecting the girls that all want to sleep with you. That is really cool. Yeah. Three years, cheats on her once, with someone that you really cool yeah three years cheats on her once with someone that you thought uh it was safe because you were that girl was leaving town yeah moving to oklahoma or some shit um i think that doesn't make it okay that almost makes it worse that you're that careful and also he's still very cavalier about he's like now since we're technically on a break you know

because she's pissed at me for cheating on her, can I sleep with this other girl while I work to earn my girlfriend's trust back? I explained to her everything in email while this other girl was blowing me. Yeah, it's like, hey, one out of a hundred snuck through. That's a great rate, babe. If you can't handle that, maybe we shouldn't be together. That's nice. Put it in that math term for her.

Yeah, like a 1%. Yeah, you're deading 99 of possible honeys deading 99 but this bitch was one yeah this she this last last one she is the one percent this girl who was dtf she they're all dtf yeah this guy's such a pimp that he can't have a one night stand without the girl falling in love he can't he can't shack up with some girl just like yeah on the side without her wanting him and his girlfriend to break up like i got magic dick yeah he's got that magic dick i got the magic dick whoa is that what that fucking song's about oh the magic stick i just realized that sort of sounds like a dick and it's a slang for a stick. Oh my God.

And when he says, I'm going to the candy shop, keep going till you hit the spot. Yeah, I'll let you lick the lollipop. Like, what is that? Yeah. What is he talking about? I think they're talking about popsicles, bitch. Who is that guy? Why is he dead?

What's his name? Theodore? theodore great oh that's his last name oh what's his first name leslie leslie his name is actually leslie alvin theodore i also kind of like theodore leslie theodore Leslie II. You mean Junior? Honey, if you think that, you got another thing coming. What are you talking about, Theodore Leslie? Theodore Alvin Leslie. Doot, doot, do-do-do-do.

Leslie. Guaranteed to brighten your day Great show I wonder if you'll ever have the problem of three girls Trying to fuck you at the same time You know I've never deaded a girl But I've put some in a coma At the very least

I've put a few in a coma At the very least we're talking about my wife Who I strangled in order to finger Natalie Port, I put a few in a coma in order to... At the very least, we're talking about my wife, who I strangled in order to finger Natalie Portman. Put her right in a coma. Medically induced, but still. Yeah. So what should this playa do? I feel like this playa needs to play. I feel like he shouldn't be in a relationship.

Even you sit calling him a playa. Yeah, I feel like this dude is my dude. You just brought him down a level. Keep in mind, this guy listens to podcasts. Yeah, so how cool could he possibly be? Yeah. As we say to microphones, we record a podcast.

That's much lamer than listening. We're huge losers and our fans are regular losers. You guys are cooler than us. Yeah. That's a win. Which is a small, small honor. Microscopic. So, I feel like this guy should just let this girlfriend go.

And instead of deading girls, just liven them up. Totally. Live your life. Take them off life support. You aren't in love with your girlfriend because you cheated on her and now you're shacked up with somebody else. Can you cheat on your girlfriend if you're still in love with her or do you have to fall out of love in order to cheat?

I, you know, coming from somebody who's never cheated on anyone, it's tough. It's really tough. Yeah. I don't know. Can you put yourself in the shoes of someone? How do I do that? How do I put myself in the shoes of someone? How do I do that? How do I put myself in the shoes of a monster?

My feet wouldn't fit in those shoes. Monsters have large feet. I have regular-sized feet. So I don't have a lot in common with a monster. I don't sleep under the bed. I sleep on top of the bed. I don't hide in the closet. I get my clothes from the closet.

I guess. Yeah. I'm not a monster. This is a new thing like daily affirmations yeah i've been doing daily affirmations do you still do this um no i haven't really done them since i moved to los angeles i hear they're good i heard on i think another podcast maybe pete's podcast that he does daily affirmations and it helps yeah he's like

your subconscious doesn't know the difference between you telling yourself you're awesome and other people that's pretty cool and it does make sense I mean

I don't think I don't do the daily affirmations the same way I used to but I do like a random like daily sentence

to yourself yeah to psych myself up out loud but he's talking about out loud into the mirror like like you're awesome people like you you're very loud you're funny you're friendly you're i'll whisper it to myself in the car oh is that like say it out loud in the car sometimes i'll give myself a pep talk in the car. But it's always in the car. It's never like standing in the mirror being like, you are a do-gooder. Go get them today. You're capable of

making a positive change in the world. Yeah, wow. Now I'm a piece of shit. I do the opposite. I tell myself I'm a garbage man. And I don't mean the kind that pick up your trash. At least those people are productive members of society. Yeah, I'm a garbage man. And I don't mean the kind that pick up your trash. At least those people are productive members of society.

Yeah, I'm less than a garbage man. I'm a garbage can. Yeah, I belong in a garbage can. I belong in a dumpster, and I belong in a landfill. Yeah, call me Oscar because I am a grouch. Yes. I am grumpy and with due cause. I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to be happy about in life. Yep.

I am a trash garbage man. And I don't even think people can learn a lesson from my sad tale because I'm that stupid that everything I do is pretty much common sense. Yeah. So can you tell me how to get to Suicide Street? Where were we with this guy? Telling him that he wasn't in love with his girlfriend i do think yeah when you cheat on somebody you i have no idea psychology is not really my strong suit yeah i cheat on people all the time and i think i'm in love so like i'll love somebody and

then cheat on them with somebody else that i'm in love with right but for me love is like micro spurts i'm in love i'm in love micro spurts. I'm in love. I'm in love. I'm in love. I'm in love. Like little bursts of micro love. And it sounds like this guy might have parts of that. He's like loves this girl for three years, but then he's like been sort of, you know,

deading a lot of girls until he meets one that's like going to leave town. So he's like, oh, I'll see what's up here. To Oklahoma or some shit. Yeah. And now you're like, oh, as soon as this girl's broken up with you, you're like, all right, cool, I'm single, I'm going to fuck somebody else until we get back together. It seems like you're sort of like taking advantage of this opportunity.

But I think that's okay. You're broken up. Stay broken up. Do your thing. I'm totally with you. We agree. For once. Go hook up with that Hokelahoman again hokelahoma

hokelahoma yeah do it sooners what? do it sooners rather than laters yeah yeah because they're the sooner state

yeah absolutely thank you you said psychology wasn't your strong suit it is now what't your strong suit. It is now. What is your strong suit? Not really a suit, but I'm pretty good at looking up pornography. Yeah, it's not a suit.

Finding clips that get me off. Not really a suit, but I've been pretty into Solitaire lately. An iPhone game. Yeah, all my strengths are kind of embarrassing, but I know a lot about porn. Yeah. So that's good. Porn is like your sports for me. Yeah.

Yeah. Which is good. It's nice. It's good. It's nice to have something in the bag there. Yeah. You know, it's useless how much you know about sports. Exactly. And it's... At least something in the bag there. Yeah. You know, it's useless how much you know about sports. Exactly.

And it's at least you're doing something with your knowledge. It's not like I'm jerking off to, like, Kobe's 81-point game. I've seen you jerk off to that on YouTube. No, that was his 62 and three-quarters game. He had 62 after three versus Dallas dallas dick's growing right now i'm like i'm like a perverted pinocchio a basketball pinocchio um i'm trying to find the third question are you ready for the third question oh yeah here we go oh a lady's name a lady british a british a lady britishman british lady lady? A lady Englishman?

A female Englishman? A female Brit? Does that even... Or is it like British people are men and then like the girls are like... Is it like the... I think it's girl Britishman and a dude Britishman.

I think, no. Girls... That's what a Scottish person is. Dame. A Scottish person is a female British person. Oh, I see. We'll figure this out before we get to London. On September 8th, is our show. A Scottish person is a female British person. Oh, I see. We'll figure this out before we get to London. On September 8th

is our show. Oh, we're not talking about that. Yeah, let's give her a female British name. Who is the most noble British woman of all? Oh, Kate Beckinsale. I was going to say

the queen, Jerry Halliwell. Oh, very good. Thank you. Sporty spice. Who's Kate Beckinsale? Kate Beckinsale's in Serendipity. She's cute.

Very hot. Would you kill Natalie Portman to finger Kate Beckinsale? Wow. I feel like that's such a common question. Yeah, I think so i'd love if you got arrested i would never hurt anybody i would never put my harm a woman a man or a child even if they were picking on someone i loved i wouldn't back. I'm sort of a passive pussy. Oh. So let's say some bully is hitting, literally abusing physically, a brother of mine, even my father or mother.

I would yell at him. I would say, stop it, sir. But I would never physically harm anybody. You're a pacifist. Yeah. Jerry Hallwell writes. Yes. Hey, guys.

Love the show. Back in December, I ended things with my boyfriend of six years. We went on a while without talking, but over the last few months, we've become friendly again. We do normal things together, eat lunch, occasionally grab drinks, etc. Nothing serious, totally platonic. There aren't any romantic feelings from us on either end. My problem is that his new girlfriend has no idea we've been spending time together

or that we've been talking again. She's in Texas. They do the long distance thing currently. Whenever we hang out, he tells her he's with the guys or at work. Do I have any obligation to tell her what's going on? I don't want to cause problems for them or even be involved in their relationship at all.

But if I was in her position, I definitely would want to know. Thanks for any advice you can give me. Love, Jerry Hollowell. Jerry. Don't lie to us, Jerry. Is she lying to us or to herself? She's lying to us. She's like, I don't want to cause any problems. Should I tell her that we've been hanging out? It's totally non-romantic.

Should I tattle? I don't want to get involved in the don't know i know i'd want to know so maybe i'll maybe i'll mention that he lies to her and hangs out with me you know what i should do is like because if i just tell her we're hanging out that's kind of like weird and platonic so maybe i should like sort of as a goof kiss him in like a casual way as a bit just yeah in doing a silly little goof bit? And then it's like, oh, now I have to tell her. And then it's like, I don't want to get involved.

I'm just going to let her know. I'm kissing my ex-boyfriend, a.k.a. her current main squeeze. Main squeeze. And then let's see what happens. Maybe that'll lead to them not being, because I'm single. So actually,

that would be kind of convenient. We live in the same city. And I still love him. Oh? Not to mention that. I'm still very much in love with him. I want want him back she said that they only hang out all the time platonically oh yeah it's just dinner drinks and then he lies to his girlfriend about who he's hanging out with that is platonic and you're at the point where you feel uncomfortable enough that

you're considering telling her yeah so that sounds platonic it sounds healthy it sounds like you're not involved and it sounds good i'm happy you guys are over each other and you're living your best lives. Yeah, this reminds me of all the ex-girlfriends that I hang out with on a one-on-one basis. Yeah, you remember that night that you had dinner with three of your exes and your current girlfriend. Isabella, Theodora, and Calvina. Yeah, Calvina especially. Yeah, we had a nice... I had a breakfast, lunch, and dinner date.

A date, obviously. Well, you went to sushi, but you found a way to order huevos fricheros from a diner next door and had it delivered via Seamless Web. So you are meddling. You do still have feelings for him. Or at the very least, he still has feelings for you, and you know about it. Yeah. At the very least, he's aware that it's not good for his relationship to hang out with you so he's lying

to his ex so you're meddling if you feel bad you don't have an obligation to do anything i don't think because this isn't her relationship the dude's asking you to hang out i if i were you i would be like i don't want to do this just because it's stupid. Why do you want to hang out with your ex-boyfriend as friends? You should be out there meeting new people. This dude already was with you. You guys decided it wasn't going to work, so what are you doing? What if she does like him and she's like, maybe I want to get him away from his girlfriend?

Is that mean um or is it just like opening up the possibility and then it's his decision i don't know if it's me it's unhealthy is it mean to try to steal a guy away from another girl if you're a girl i feel like it's probably like if you don't have malicious intent and you actually like a guy and he has a girlfriend that's long distance, is it mean to try to break them up? I think it's mean to, like, tear at the fabric of a relationship and, like, meddle with it to the point that it falls apart and then, like, you've manipulated it to a certain point where you can insert yourself. I think that's mean-spirited. I think that's mean-spirited i think that's bad but i think i can see where you're saying like you come in pure heart rule you say would you like to go out sometime even if you

know that that person has a significant other that person sees you know what maybe i do want to explore this relationship maybe then it's on them to like start moving away from their significant other if he wants to explore some other relationship but i think it's i don't think it's good to be like metal metal metal metal you know like that passive stuff the planting seeds being weird being shady quote unquote platonically yeah yeah i think that's like to have a long con is kind of bullshit but to kind of but to lay out your everything on the table like, by the way, if you were in a relationship, I think we should date. Do with that information what you will.

Yeah, that's much better. And also, it will be ultimately better on your psyche, because then you're not like stringing out and wondering what's going to happen with some platonic friendship. Yeah, but don't you want to give yourself the best chance at that? Like, if I barely know a girl, she's not going to want to be with me but if i'm like oh maybe if we're hanging out a little bit she's she realizes what a better guy i am than her current boyf yeah and then i want to be with somebody that like could be that easily wooed away wouldn't you be worried then that well i would think no because she's only wooed because i'm perfectly compatible with her and i'm her perfect have you done this before no

but i'm deaf considering it i'm sort of i'm trying to find a dating site that like is has only in relationships isn't that ashley madison yeah but i don't want to cheat oh i see yeah i just want to break up other people i think. I think it's a little sleazy. It's a little tacky. It's more than a lot coy. Yeah. I don't think I like it very much. But if two people are perfect,

like if that's how your parents met, wouldn't that be a romantic story? Your mom was dating someone else, but I got in there and she chose me. I think it's a romantic story when they're in high school. Like, oh yeah, your mom was going to prom with Tom Evans, but I cut in and I said, may I have this dance? And then she danced with me the rest of the night.

And I took her home. Like, oh, you guys are crazy, you little teens. But it's another thing to be like, I'm 31. My crush is 28. Her boyfriend is five years older than her and they've been together for four years and they're thinking about getting married. But I meddled and meddled and meddled,

destroyed a relationship. But if I can destroy it, then maybe it wasn't meant to be. Yeah. Don't you want your relationship to be unmeddleable? Or is every relationship meddleable? I see what you're saying. Like, if you're an earthquake and a building, there's an earthquake and a building falls down, Don't you want your relationship to be unmeddleable? Or is every relationship meddleable? I see what you're saying.

Like, if you're an earthquake and a building falls down, you're like, well, that building wasn't structurally sound. It didn't have a good foundation. Yeah, but, like, you don't have to build structurally sound buildings everywhere because there's not always supposed to be earthquakes. Oh, so you're talking about this only works for couples in San Francisco along the San Andreas Fault. It's just, like like it's not necessarily fair for somebody to have like a normal seemingly healthy relationship but unfortunately it wasn't built to withstand this onslaught of you being like you you tearing down the walls okay follow-up question what if the boyfriend is a loser? You didn't say that.

Yeah. Then of course. What if it's like an asshole? Then of course. No, seriously, what if it's an asshole? And you're like, oh, this guy's kind of a douche. A douche. Everybody's kind of a douche all the time.

Well, what if, like, you know a guy that you don't like? Yeah. If his girlfriend was awesome and you got along with him. Well, like, why are you dating this douche? Wouldn't you try to break them up? I don't know, up i don't know because i don't know what guys are really like when they're just with their girlfriends i see people for like 30 seconds at a time and like if they say one sentence that i don't like then

they're a piece of shit in my mind so they're in a relationship where they're talking for hours and hours and he's opening up about his relationship with his mother and his hopes and dreams. And maybe he is a beautiful person, because I don't think there are a lot of people in the world who are inherently evil or a doof loser all the time. Right. So, I don't know.

It's a tough one. It would really depend how tight her pussy was. No, I really wouldn't want to mess with love, is what I'm saying. Love is sacred. What do you think, America? Tweet at us. Well, what do you think? You think it's fine?

I think it might be fine. I think if a relationship is meddle-able, like if this guy is seeing this girl, hanging out with this girl, if I was in a great relationship, I wouldn't hang out with my ex-girlfriend. If a relationship is meddle-able, then you're opening it up to get meddled with, and it deserves to have this outside force perhaps trying to chisel away at the very fabric of the relationship if you're if a relationship is meddleable i think you at least this is like perfect world because this never happens right you would owe it to the guy to be like hey by the way i'm gonna start pursuing your girlfriend may the best man win and he's like all right on. I'm going to start courting her all over again, buying her flowers, doing everything. And then that's cool for her

because she gets the benefit of two guys trying to woo her. Here's the basketball analogy. There's free agents. Those are people who are single. That's not bad. Free agents can sign with anybody. But then there's something called the restricted free agents, which means if you're the

team that has that person anybody can pursue that free agent but you have the right to match so what you're wanting is a restricted free agency where it's like any guy can come aboard and make make their case but if they offer them a dollar amount or a love amount or a personality at least give me the opportunity to match so that she can choose me i think that's fair but that's meddling what this girl is doing is meddling what this girl is doing yes she's meddling i think you i think if you are genuinely saying i don't want to meddle and i don't want to be involved in their relationship then you're then what you should do isn't tell the girl like you're of course becoming involved

in the relationship if you tell her that you're hanging out if you don't want if you genuinely don't want to be a part of it stop hanging out with him right a new friend let me make let me say this caveat meddling is okay if you want to be in a relationship if you want to replace that relationship it's not okay if you're just trying to like fuck the other person and then get rid of her, because then it sort of fucks the other person over. Because then it's like, oh, get rid of your relationship so that I can sleep with you, and then you have nothing. I would say... I'm saying it's meddling

is okay if you're able to provide something better than what you are meddling. That's true. But also, like, then you should be aware... I mean, I don't completely agree with you, but you should also be aware of the consequences when you start meddling. Cause that's the consequences are they break up. Right.

So if you want them to break up and for this person to be single and her lover to be heartbroken and you want to like pick up the pieces, then I guess I think you're stupid, but go for it. And that's slightly better than somebody who's like, I'm just going to meddle until they break up, and then I'm going to fuck her and go away. Like, that's the worst. I mean, I don't think either of them are good.

I feel like there are enough single people out there that they should, that's, you know, that's the dating pool. Yeah. But doesn't the pool also involve people who are just sitting on the edge, dipping their toes in, who are in a bad relationship? You know what? The pool's a wacky place. I don't even think

it is a dating pool. I think it's a dating beach. Because the waves are rocky, the tide is strong, and there's a couple sexy lifeguards patrolling the area, don't you think? I don't know. I sort of got lost in the metaphor. Yeah, I think I just kind of want to go to the beach.

Yeah. What do we do now that we're at near the 40-minute mark and we haven't taken our break yet? Do we need to take a break? We could just power through to the fourth question. Or we should just do a break and then end because breaks are kind of chill oh that's nice oh yeah do you have anything you want to talk about on this break yeah let's let's do a little breaky break um before we have to go uh i think oh here's a funny thing that happened to me in basketball today

yeah i play basketball with a bunch of that's's cool. Yeah. Basketball is cool, but the problem is... With a bunch of 11-year-olds. Yeah. At an elementary school. And nobody's really good, but I'm not really good either, so it works out. But everybody's... Like, the locals there are all pretty cool because, you know, they play basketball and they're cool or whatever.

Cool high schoolers, cool college kids. So I'm always trying to be a little bit cooler than I am. And today we were playing five on five and somebody goes, what's the score? And I said, instead of one, you're supposed to say ones if it's one one. You say ones or one up or one all. But instead I yelled onesies and nobody said anything but i felt like such an

idiot i'm like i can't talk the way i talk normally in this place because i would just be like onesies and that's fine but for me to yell onesies in like a pickup basketball game. I wanted to run back to my car and drive off a cliff. No one said anything the entire time. I don't know if I yelled it so people probably heard it, but I don't know if it registered to them that I was a wiener. God, it'd be so funny if as you were getting into your car

somebody said, good game, onesies. I didn't fucking say onesies, dude. For the rest of your life. I said ones. Your nickname on the court is onesies, dude. For the rest of your life. I said ones. Your nickname on the court is onesies. I show up on the next day wearing a onesie. A wrestling singlet. Oh, man, that's sad.

Onesies. As you twist your ankle and get a ball to the face. Oh, my God, what happened? Did you twist your ankle? People snickering. Shut up, dude. It really freaking kills. Here, put this packy of ice on it.

Oh no. Oh, I wanted to say that we're still going to London and Manchester too. London, Manchester, Berlin, just for fun. Oh, yeah, we decided on where to spend a week after our London shows. And this is in Berlin.

Oh, Berlin, y'all. You Americans have so much fun, but you can't quite understand how well we eat. Germany, y'all. So that's going to be fun. We're going to be just sort of doing impressions and shit on the Shams Ali Boulevard. And if y'all need me, I'll be eating a Wiener schnitzel twice the size of my head, bitches. Oh, no. Theodore Leslie's coming back.

Full sparkle. Theodore Leslie, Leslie Theodore. Theodore Leslie and his twin sister, Leslie Theodore. Theodore Leslie and his twin sister Leslie Theodore. Why do they have different names? I guess because Leslie... So Theodore Leslie and Leslie's name was

Leslie Leslie, but she married someone named Theodore. So Theodore Leslie and Leslie Theodore. Amazing. Both wearing onesies. So come out. The shows are still available. All of them?

Yeah. Well, actually Manchester might be sold out by the time this comes out. Don't quote me on that. Don't quote me on that. That's it. We're out of, we're over time. We only answered three questions, but we delved deep. I actually do want to know, if you guys can tweet at us what you think about meddling.

Is it okay? I think it's okay. Or is it never nice? I don't think it's... It's not illegal. I just think it's fucked. No, yeah. I don't think it's fucked.

I think it's fine. You think it's fine. Yeah, I think it's fine. I think it definitely exists in the moral gray area. But what do you guys think? My Twitter handle is at Jake and Amir. And Jake's is at Jake Hurwitz. That's right.

Follow me on Twitter, everybody. I need the followers. I'm working up my courage to send out a tweet. Yeah. It's been a while. It's been a couple since, yeah. But you're big on Instagram. You love the gram. I do love the gram. Same name, Jake Hurwitz. It's been a while. It's been a couple since, yeah. But you're big on Instagram. You love the Gram. I do love the Gram. Same name, Jake Hurwitz. I do love Grammin'.

I appreciate it. Yeah, follow Jake on Instagram. And you know what? Follow Amir on Instagram. His handle is Jake Hurwitz. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, dude. If you want to follow either of us on Instagram, it's just Jake Hurwitz. Let go of me! Okay. That's it. That's our time.

The first, did I say who the first? Oh, yeah, we did. We're still accepting theme song submissions. Every show starts and ends with an original theme song. We always need more. Please keep sending them. That first one was from Philip in Sweden. And this last one is from Marcus and Laura.

And they want us to give a shout out to DJ Penguin. So thanks Marcus and Laura and DJ Penguin. And if you guys have your own questions or your own theme songs, that email address one last time is ifireadyshow at gmail.com. See you later! If I were you

If I were you If I were you I would do If I were you If I were you I would do If I were you The Brody Jenner Podcast with Dr. Mike Dow I had only really seen Brody dance one other time before this wedding

And so I thought that his dancing skills were like crazy Because I've seen this move he does, the Carlton Oh, that's my only dance move But that's his only dance move At Reggie's wedding he kept doing the Carlton And I go, you just totally tricked me The last time I thought you were such a great dancer. Now I feel like it's your only move.

It is my only move. Brody Jenner and Dr. Mike Dow. Get a brand new episode at podcastone.com. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.