Segments - 91: Rejection Notice

Episode Date: August 18, 2025

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This is a headgum original. Your first great love story is free when you sign up for a free 30-day trial at audible.ca.ca. That's audible.ca. slash wondery. Jake and a mere two Jews that you can't forget. In 2010, they were big on the internet. But then three failed pilots, two rejected. movie scripts won't last

its effort to try and stop their career from going to shit Another podcast Each app different from the last It's the Swiss army nightbook shows Meet you two pathetic hosts Hey dude I wanted to have a pretty special guest on this episode.

I don't know if you remember Sugar Ray, Mark McGrath. Yeah, of course. Amazing. Yeah. I just want to fly. There's a halo hanging up. So I had an inn with his PR lady. Who's that?

Who I guess went to college with my cousin. Okay. And wanted to know if we'd be interested at all in having Mark on. I said, yeah, we're recording today. Yeah. We're interested in having him on every morning. Every morning. So I said that and she did not respond to the email.

Really? I think she thought that, like, I was referencing a thing that he did in 1997, but he's been like up to a lot of new stuff that they wanted to get into. Wasn't there a time when this kind of happened? Oh, yes. now I remember we made you make a joke to somebody that you were getting set up on a date with and then she ghosted you. I don't remember that.

But I do remember being ghosted. Wait, a joke? Yeah. Wasn't it? Okay, so tell the story how you were. Okay. I'll see if it could jog my memory. We were writing the Jake and Amir pilot with Lizby and Rieger.

Yeah. These guys were older than us. They were in their, I think, early 40s, and we were in our late 20s. You were single. And I think you were the only one that was single. So we were kind of all like, you know, in looking at your Tinder, looking at your dating life, et cetera, et cetera. Vicariously. Then we had a friend who was setting you up with an actress.

I don't remember who it was. I do, but I'll let you know offline slash on Pinterest. Yeah. And it wasn't a ghost. it was a never responded we never actually met up right exactly so she texted you i think to be like my friend so-and-so says that we should get a drink you got you said yes there's some back and forth and then i think at some point i remember i don't remember the setup but the joke was um like something like yes i am the cocaine guy i have the coke or something right to that effect

something like drug related yeah like she made some kind of joke and the joke back was like to make it seem like you were insane and on cocaine when you texted yeah and then she never responded yeah you don't remember the joke i don't remember the joke i do remember the non-response which is i ended up becoming so livid that i found where she lived and would throw rocks at her window i found where she livid yeah and i said do you have a problem with me it's so insanely funny that you basically got like peer pressured by three comedy writers to make a response that was so insanely dumb that like it didn't even read as a joke you made a joke that made us laugh and her be like whoa this guy's too intense I've one wonder if she even remembers this

email too I wonder if I could find this email because it is an email it's an email wow so search for cocaine or the coke I don't even know if it was cocaine let's see well I guess you search her name yeah But I bet it had nothing. Her not responding to me has nothing to do. We'll find it during one of the breaks. Yeah. Okay.

You found it? Yes. Oh, no. Oh, that's so funny. Was that close? Yes, you are very close. I mean, yeah. Is it a funny joke?

First of all, it's like a nothing burger joke that made me think like she was never emotionally available to see a new person, aka me. So this email was actually sent on January 6th, so now I have a personal January 6th. Jay 6th. Happy birthday, Sarah, Rachel, and Liza. And it was set up through, do you remember who? Oh, that's a really good question. Might it have been Ricky?

Very good. Nailed it. Nice. So Ricky emailed me and this lady and said, hey, this. this lady's name, you asked about that A plus cocaine I had and who sold it to me. Amir C-Ced is that guy. Enjoy the cocaine. So he made the cocaine joke.

He made the cocaine jokes. Okay. Then I replied and it's still kind of funny to me now that I read it. Alt caps. I have cocaine. I have it on me. Ricky is correct. It's A plus and I'm the guy.

Fuck yeah. Amir. So it's like, I'm currently eye on cocaine. Oh, God, this is so good. I have the cocaine. I have, it is a plus and I am the guy. Even if she wasn't interested in dating me, she should have given me a shot based on that one funny email. I thought.

So there was nothing to. Okay. This is, it's, it paints you a little bit better than I initially thought where she reached out and your joke made her withdraw. It was actually. Correct. Ricky probably met her. her or talked to her somewhere made the intro you responded and she decided that it wasn't really going to happen no matter the response no matter how good the response is because that is

funny well to put the ball back into my court i then replied to my own email how much later just two minutes so it wasn't out of desperation it was sort of a two-part joke yeah yeah nice hey sorry about that my caps lock button was broken but if you want to cocaine or to hang out let me No. P.S. I don't actually have cocaine just to sort of let her know. I'm not, this is a bit ha ha, but I've never tried this stuff. Well, maybe that's why she didn't respond. P.S. I don't handle it up wanting cocaine. Yeah, maybe she needed the cocaine. Maybe she was actually looking for the hookup. And then looking on my email, we never corresponded again. Yeah. So she never even once. Yeah. Although I do see that she follows me on Twitter. So couldn't have been any hard

feelings. Would you drop the name in the chat just for me to take in and witness? I have an idea of who it is. Yeah. Um, I mean, it's not a super famous. I'm sure some people would know who it is. Yeah. Margo Robbie. I knew that. Yeah. Did she end up doing anything after that indie feature that Ricky produced? I forgot she was in coffee town. She was in coffee town and that was it. She played a bathroom attendant. Whatever happened in Margot Robbie? I heard Margot She ended up marrying some comedian, I thought.

Jeff Rubin. Yeah, not Jeff Rubin, but I thought she ended up like with some like UCB adjacent person, but maybe that's not true. Wait, Margot Robbie? Yeah. No, I think you're thinking of like Emma Stone married a SNL producer or writer or something like that.

Right. Although Margarabi ended up with a sort of normal guy. Good honor. Yeah, a producer, a director. Yeah, English producer. All right, cool. Good man. Actually, a really good man.

All right, that was a fun little trip down memory lane to fucking embarrass me. Are you happy? Yeah, I thought that was fun. Should I reply to the email now? Hey, I'm just coming down off this... Off the Coke game. Eleven year Coke binge. Married, but still down to get a tea.

you want to talk about, Holly weird. I do love caffeine. Which is kind of a natural upper if you think about it. Good times. Do you think that was your worst rejection? No, probably not. There were times when we would go abroad and we would run into ladies. Like, I remember once in Europe struggling to formulate a DM, we're like, oh, this person

sort of recognized us as American comedians in England and they said hi to us and let's you got her name, let's try DM her and see if she wants to hang out or something like that. So I would DM and they would like either not respond or

we would not meet up with them. I don't remember that but that sounds pathetic. And it's like do we DMs? Like yeah it's fine. She gave you her name. She was friendly enough. Like yeah but is it like stalkery behavior? Yeah, she told you her name so you just searched it right exactly yeah yeah nobody's perfect you know that was what your DM said I think those are literally the only two times I've ever been rejected yeah yeah hmm I'm trying to think the worst

time for me you've had like year long crushes where you're sort of tepidly nudging versus like going to make a move I feel like yeah there was actually one time this isn't necessarily a rejection But I won't tell everybody how it panned out. But in the early days of Tinder, when everybody was just kind of figuring it out, Jeff Rosenberg and I matched with the same person. And we basically had a date with her, him and I, at the same time. Did you know? Yes.

All three of us knew. It was like an unspoken. It was like an episode of The Bachelorette. And we were just sort of quietly competing to be the one that she loved. liked so you both went out with the same woman yeah just the three of us i also recall some like tinder maybe somebody you knew like waiting for hours at the whiskey brooklyn and this person not showing up do you remember something like that and you're like we ended up going somewhere else out later and then you're like we were supposed to be here at eight and she texted me like at 1130 like

hey are you still out and you're just like this is crazy uh no i don't remember i don't remember i don't remember that that I think it was I'll text you the name again oh I have to bleep okay I see um wait so what was this I we were at whiskey Brooklyn and I was waiting for like you had a plan to meet her yeah like she just didn't show up and you're like this is crazy she's just not here and then like four and a half hours later she's like oh yeah hey sorry you're still out and about I had such a huge crush on her I do remember this I because I was like I never ever did stuff like but i was like pulling out all the stops i think i was like it normally would just be like let's hey people are going to this bar let's all meet up or whatever and casual yeah i remember this

night because i bought concert tickets i had i literally never do this and i was like well let's go to this concert there's like a dj set there's a show and and i think i did it because she had like told me about we'd like talked about it but it was like you want do you want to come to this show she says yes i buy the tickets the show starts at eight and i'm just like all right let's i'll get a drink i was getting a drink with you and it's like yeah we're supposed to be going to the show but i haven't heard from her the show is starting soon and i think she's gonna text you're like i don't know what to do with these tickets should i just go like and you could you were too afraid to be like where are you because like that would seem desperate yeah because i'd already texted once yeah i was like all right

No, she's playing it so cool that I have to be cool, but I was like losing my mind. And then I think you and I or me and Jeff went to this concert because I had the extra ticket. And I was like, yeah, I guess she's just not going to text me. And then sure enough, at like, hey, what are you up to? I'm like, well, I was just as a fucking concert I invited you to with my friend Jeff. It's not casual. You know what? I purchased.

I'm going to stick up for myself unless you want to hang out right now, in which case I'll go to where you are. I'll be sober up and I'll come to the, yeah, you're in Hoboken, that's fine. I'll hop on the path. Yeah, wasn't there at times where somebody would text you, like, they're in Jersey or really far away? You're like, I think I just have to go. It's like, yeah, there's no, I can't not go to an hour away New Jersey if somebody's inviting me there. Yeah, I would also, I would also do that. I think I one time took a ferry to New Jersey for somebody.

And I try to make a cool, like, oh, yeah, I'm just here, you know, what's up? Yeah. I was near the ferret. I have to be near the different state that I'm in. You're also an upstate New Jersey? Damn, that's Joe. It took me an hour and a half to get here. What's Gucci? I have this NJ transit card.

I hardly ever use it. So this is actually a pretty good opportunity. It is 1.11 a.m. though. So like, are you going to stay out for much longer than that? That was kind of my MO. It was like very, very high. effort like internal work with a very very laissez-faire external attitude hey what's going on yeah whatever yeah we can all sure i'll meet you up in i'll meet up in new jersey whatever i don't care

looking at train times fairy times it took a lot of effort to be that effortless and i was sort of the opposite i was like i'll do whatever but then it comes across as jockey and kind of extreme like the cocaine joke yeah interesting interesting so you are cool but you come across as neurotic and i'm actually neurotic but i come across as cool yeah it's kind of like how we've said before i think that you uh you dislike a lot more people than me but you're very like charming and presentable and nobody thinks that you dislike them and a lot of people think i hate them and i'm like i'm completely fine and i'm okay with them i don't really hate anybody yeah yeah it's true i hate i hate most people right and i like most people and most people think I hate them and nobody thinks you hate them. Yeah. Fascinating.

Interesting. No wonder we found each other. But if you're listening, I like you, don't worry. You're talking to the person that I emailed about the cocaine or? Yeah, Marco Robbie. Yeah, she's definitely listening. Okay, let's take a break and we'll come back with more segments, the only segmented podcast with I think five episodes left. Wow. Mr. Monopoly here, Monopoly is back at McDonald's. Register in the McDonald's app, so you're ready. to get your bag. Two ways to peel for a chance to Get your bag.

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Monopoly is a registered trademark of Hasbro. Copyright McDonald's. Losers. And we're back. I was searching my Gmail for emails from our old agent because nothing funnier than how seriously we took things that never panned out 12 years ago. And this is a perfect embodiment of it. My email, our agent, shared agent, emailed just me in 2015. Hey, dude, this feels low, but any interest.

And it's an email from some Kellogg. PR person. Please find a social media offer for Amir Blumenfeld for a campaign for frosted mini-weets. They are offering a mere $500 for the post, and I think we can go up. Please let me know.

He will have to post it via their app and they can explain it in detail if he opts in. And so I reply, for just one tweet, yeah, I'll probably do it for $500. But if we can get up to $1,000, that would be grand, cheeky. One grand, yeah.

The other agent, weighs in, I love mini, I love mini wheat. And I go, cool, a thousand dollars in a box of mini wheat's for, and then I say his name. Okay. And then he responds, okay, I got him up to $800. We'll work on the box for the other agent. And the other agent goes, says, pass, I need the wheat's. And then the other agent says, Amir, can we close for $800? They need the post by Saturday. And I said, yeah, just let me know what to tweet. And then 11 attachments about the influencer program, what the tweet should be, how to tweet

it, when to do it, approval, yada, yada, yada, yada, yada. The guy responds, did I get my weets? And I said, I'll send you some. What's your address? And he goes, ha, never mind. And then I just say, okay, can I tweet this like normal or do I have to do it? via their Kellogg's app because nobody ever explained this to me

and then our agent said just tweet it like normal and I said it is done and then I tweeted it and I looked at the tweet and I guess I deleted it later so that was 15 emails about a tweet about Frosted Mini Wheats and they say this industry is done it's not

there's still Frosted Mini Wheat base tweet cash floating around then again this was 2015 so I don't really know if that's true I guess it's all over. There was this magical time where every brand thought that like the key to unlocking all of their profits was a tweet or an app or a mobile site and we just went in there and we told them that that was true.

We said yes. I have to tweet about it. Serial will go through the roof if 911 of my followers view this tweet that nobody will like so that Twitter will suppress it and nobody will see because that's not how the algorithm works. I can turn an AMPM gas station into a freaking Sonoco, okay? I will make you the McDonald's of gas stations. Just give me, give me my phone for five minutes and you're a billionaire, sir. Honestly, $800 is a pretty good deal. I'll probably still do it again, but nobody's really asking me anymore.

Didn't you also realize that the tweets didn't move the needle. Yeah. Yeah, not a good return on their investment for the $800. I mean, I guess we still do this to an extent with podcast advertising, but it's a lot more effective. And they've reigned in the spending a bit more, too. Yeah, everyone's very tight these days because they realize they shouldn't be just spending indiscriminate, although they are spending more money on TV commercials.

So, like, if you think those are worth it, then. Maybe if you appeal to kids. I think all this stuff is way more like measurable now, though. Like you can actually see, like they're just, they are stealing the data of everything we do. So they're seeing when they dump money into things that it results in spending. I feel like the days of that like indiscriminate, like whatever. Yeah, we have a mobile site. We talked, wait, was it on this, on the podcast or on our Patreon where we talked about how much money we made from Bucardi?

I think that was Patreon because we watched the Bacardi get-together videos. Yeah, well, if you guys want to hear the Bacardi saga, that's a really good one. Amir and I were both shocked to see how much money we made. Although that's like the complete up. This was like, will you tweet one thing once? And the Bacardi thing is, will you shoot and release 10 episodes of Jake and Amir? Yeah, it was like three months of work. About Bacardi and do it as actually.

actual Jake and Amir episode. So instead of a Jake and Amir episode this week about you shitting yourself, it's actually called the Bacardi get-together project. And Jake has to say that we don't get together much anymore. And that Bacardi rum was the best way to do it. Like, not even adjusting for inflation. For what they offered us then, I would do it again in a heartbeat now. Yeah, because I think selling out is more understandable now that nobody's-

Yeah, I guess we've already done it for a long time, too. Yeah. You also used to get those The Uber Bucks Do you remember that? Oh yeah There was something where you could tweet about Uber And they would give you credit

It was like some kind of influencer competing with Lyft Yeah it was like an influencer program That our friend who worked at Uber got you into So you never you didn't pay for like a cab for a year I think Yeah that was kind of awesome They're like every time you tweet Every time you take an Uber will you tweet about it

so that like we win the market share over Lyft and we'll give you Uber credit to do it. Yeah. That actually makes sense for them. Yeah, it was great for, I mean, it was great for me because I was getting rides with you all the time. You would just like, we'd be in an Uber, you'd tweet and they'd give you like $100 in your account. Did you ever side with Lyft or Uber or you sort of agnostic slash you don't really take those anymore? I don't really take them, but now I think it, yeah, I have them both and I usually price compare. but only if one of them is like wildly out of like my, you know, what I think it should be.

So if it's like in a range, I'm like, oh, that's fine. I'll request it. But I use Lyft a lot more because they have the city bike integration. Which is. And I take city bikes everywhere. Instead of having like the city bike app or like the little fob thing, you just, you open up a lift. You press the bike and you can scan the QR code on the bike. And that is through Lyft the app.

through lift and i'm charged through lift oh wow yeah and you could just steal one of the bikes not return it and they probably wouldn't ever find out right you can't even sell the bike no i don't think you could because i think it's like you couldn't sell a city bike because it's like in the system uh yeah yeah i mean they'll have serials i'm just curious if there's a way to make because the serial cash has it dried up on my end and i'm wondering if there's a world where we go into business because you already have the lift app right i feel like we know that i'm the one money creating content than stealing bikes usually bikes i was going to say stealing not city bikes oh you want to just steal bikes like is there a place where people give the neighborhood the benefit of the doubt more

like there's not a lot of robbery in this area of brooklyn and manhattan so i'll leave my bike unattended or unlocked that's when we would go in take the bike i don't even want to use steal because that's illegal but we would take or borrow the bike and then sell it that's illegal and then that's not our bike anymore oh why are you coming after me that's interesting that person because then they're like hey you stole that bike no i i don't where's the bike i took it i bought i sold it yeah i didn't steal it i sold it your honor yes exactly yeah is there a crime called uh taking and stealing or not stealing not you fucking have me saying it taking and selling not stealing second hand i don't even have thrifting i don't even have this i don't have to take it yeah you can meet me at the

Or if you like I consigned your bike like I took it and sold it and I'm willing to I leave them a dollar share they can yeah yes exactly they share in the profits and it might not be it might not be market value but it's street value for the bike and you can you can put that cash that you've earned through consigning your vehicle yes into the market and watch it grow and that's actually over time going to be way more meaningful than having a fucking bicycle I mean, come on You see an unlocked bike And you post on Craigslist

I have 30 minutes to sell this bike You never say that it's yours You have the person meet you there And you sell it for incredibly under market value Right, you can even say free bike There's like a Craigslist free A Facebook free And then somebody comes

But then they show up and they think it's gonna be free Yeah and you're just like I'm sorry I didn't mean to listen as free 20 bucks Like I have diabetes If that changes anything Yeah It should. I'm using the bike to stand is the only thing.

Yeah, but you can have the bike for $20. And then you didn't steal. You didn't even take. You just brokered a deal between two semi-willing parties. 20 quid, mate. Are you really bollick? You're being thick, lad. Crikey.

This is if the guy notices that you sold his bike. Yeah. Then you just say, what are you being daft? Yeah, no, I'm not being daft. That bike cost me $1,100 yesterday, and you sold it for 20 pounds. Currency I can't even use. Cheerio, and then you sprint away. Yeah, and he can't chase you because ultimately he doesn't have the bike anymore.

That's right. That's right. I don't know, there's something there there. There's a there there. As this podcast winds down, I wonder if there's other ways for us to sort of squeeze. and circumnavigate the financial system so that we can still get paid without necessarily having to work.

Yeah, right. I mean, the best way to do it. I want passive income, basically. Well, that's not very passive because it involves. Yeah, that's a ton of work. The best thing to do would be to kind of hire other people to do this for us. Yeah, like the listeners to this podcast would become...

If they all did that and every time you made 20 bucks, yeah, and you'd give us 10%. Actually, fuck it 50% because like I'm not the idea against myself. Yeah, it's RIP. It's RIP. And in this economy, IP is so important. It's king, basically. Yeah, it's so important.

You could say, you can RIP if you don't have IP. Do you know what I mean? Exactly. Without, like, something to point the people to, you're kind of dead. So, like, the fact that we have this system, this proprietary art that people have to buy into in kind. Yeah. So for $1,500, we'll give you the entire plan. That's the bike.

It's basically an algorithm. Yeah, that's the bike theory. We have a few other things involving fruit and vegetables at farmer's market. That's proprietary. We can't even discuss that yet. You can pay for access to that plan. Yeah, it is basically taking the free fruit that they give you because they're like, can I try this. Yeah, it's like samples, but you can.

Putting it into a grab bag or like almost like it's a block bag. It's all chopped up. If you get enough people, you can get all of the watermelon. It's almost like a fruit salad that you can sort of chop together and sell. I think you reconstruct it. If you create like a fruit. Salad stand. I don't even want to give the whole thing away because this is what people are buying into.

The $1,500. Well, this is, you know, I think you can give a, it will give you the fruit salad. Why don't you keep talking? Why don't you keep talking? Because people do need to buy in. People, I'm saying, I, I think that you should keep on pitching because you are, you're a fountainhead of shit like this. It's not, it's, this is an aqua higher situation.

Do you want the guy that thought of the farm stand consignment? Yes, exactly. Do you want the guy that thought of the bike resale? That's right. You can always text to him here. You do not talk to him here. long. I have access to you buy access to me and I have the access to me. And so for 2,500, that's $1,500 for the fruit for the bike theory. And then I have a few other theories that involve

radio shacks that are going out of business. And I'll let you know. And I'll let you know about them because you'll have to talk to him through me. You could take that. You could create the cash. And then you can let Jake know for access to Jake. It's $1,000. That gives you the access to the fruit. But not the control. But not the control. You don't control me. You have access to me. Yeah. Obviously for a control tier that's closer to 5,000. I don't want to talk about that yet because those numbers are intimidating to people. Yeah. But I want to be at a world where people are stealing fruit for me. They're intimidating or they're aspirational. Like you can, you can aquire to access and then you can level up to gain control. Exactly. And the more people underneath you working for you, like if you

have 10 people working on the fruit theory. And I really even hesitate to call it the fruit theory. because it's more of a fruit salad plan the way you steal and sell the fruit suddenly everything funnels up towards it goes from you to me It's a rising, it's a rising tie A straw with a smoothie As you get slurped up to me

I drink your smoothie And I just need a thousand people Giving me a thousand dollars a year To be a millionaire So fucking bad Yeah And that's not that crazy to think about because there's 400 million Americans.

Wait, dude, you're getting swatted. You're getting swatted right now. Right now. Oh, no, they're out like, don't work. I didn't do the fruit thing. That wasn't me. That was my million. That's barely even my IP.

It's dakes. Get them. Get them. I have access to him. I'll talk. I'll fucking squeal like a pig if you let me go. I swear to God I will. Let's take a break.

Let's take another break. Yeah, that was a lot. Got scared. And we're back. Okay. We sort of steamrolled through two pretty loose segments, but why don't we end it with something a little more structured? I honestly like the loose segments. They make me feel free.

Yeah. Okay, here's one. These are just some questions that I'm pulling from Ask Reddit. this is what people what's on people's minds today uh somebody named fast figure asks asks what sucks the most about being you ameer holy shit yeah he's asking it to me specifically he's asking it to everybody and you and i get to comment on it well i will say probably recently it's my back issue which i inherited i think from you they are

contagious yeah it really doesn't make sense that is also it's it's fascinating because that's gonna that was gonna be my answer oh really let's hear about your back because mine you turned 40 and then my back started hurting that's interesting and my realize that that's kind of bizarre mine feels good knock on wood yeah i'm knocking for you through me that's the stressful thing about a back Back issues. They used to arise every like two years from me. I would have like a flare up. A flare up and I would be in a lot of pain.

But then the last flare up has been like a wavy little journey where like there have been a flare up sometimes as many is like once a month. Yeah. Mini flares that are very annoying. They don't knock you out forever. Yeah. For the first time in my life I bent down to pick something up. And when I went upright, it felt like God tased me. Yeah.

Like an electric seizure. It's as though I tried to lift the heaviest thing in the world and pulled my back. But instead, I just bent over with no weight at all. It makes me think, was I just a fucking ticking time bomb? And the next thing I was going to bend up would happen. Or did I do it in a very peculiar, specific one and a thousand bendover style way that got me? I mean, I bet it's a little bit of a combination. like you're I think you were primed to go you were prime to go it probably wasn't one in a thousand

but I bet there is lots of like common bending that you were doing that your body was used to but then just didn't want to handle one extra twist it was the straw that broke the camel's me yeah so I bent over and it seized up and I was like oh oh oh oh and this was in a public restroom so I was just like stuck sort of there yeah at a restaurant I'm like I can't move I can't bend I'm stuck I had to like waddle back. I texted Avi Tal. I'm like, I think I'm stuck in the bathroom.

Help, come get me. I can't move. I can't walk. I eventually waddled back to the restaurant. Had to get on a flight in three hours after that. No. Waddled home and then spent the rest of my day slash night into the next day, sort of just in bed heating my back to get loose enough to be able to walk again.

Jesus Christ. I didn't realize you were in public and had to get on a plane. Did you have like the spasms when you were in the air? Yeah. spasms all the time. It was just the way things went. And I still don't fully understand why it happened, but you were able to coach me through the things that I should do. So I did end up getting an x-ray to rule out any spinal issue. Then they said it was probably some sort of, you know, like muscular thing where the muscles contract or get spasmed or strained, kind of like a strained

quad or hamstring, but in my back. Yeah. So I'm going to try to go to physical therapy tomorrow and see if they have any tips or tricks to stretching slash strengthening the area so that it doesn't happen again. Yeah, I can I already know what they're going to give you. It's it's the hit bridges. It's the clam shells. It's the dead bugs, the bird dogs. Yeah. And the pale off press. I could fucking do it for you right now. But what like if I had done that beforehand, would I have avoided it or is this kind of stuff just inevitable? Because you do all this stuff and your back still hurts too. No, I mean, I do all this stuff and it keeps it at bay. I think what's frustrating for me is that, like, I do all of this stuff, but it's, it's like, it's basically to stay one step ahead of it.

It feels like I can never create a delta between me and the back pain. And then some people don't do anything and they're fine. Yeah, some people just have backs that don't bother them. When I'm in an episode of like my back flaring up, I will just like look at people on the street and I'll look at them walking and like, wow, their backs don't hurt at all. look at oh look at this guy he's just walking normal he is oh my god he bent so terribly you should bend from your legs or you'll hurt you're ah just yelling at you for giving you a tip sort of threw my back out yeah but and i also like have now i've seen so many different pts and like one of the last ones i saw was like you know they tell you like there's the right ways to bend and stuff

but really your body is supposed to be bendy like everything's supposed to be moving you should be able to bend you look at like elite athletes you're nobody's lifting up a shoebox and they're doing a dead squat yeah your body's supposed to be able to do like little things like that you should be able to bend over and grab something that you dropped on the ground without like pausing setting yourself yeah yeah but i i think like and the way to do that is by keeping yourself limber i do think i bet your hammies were real tight i think you're late yeah they still are Now that tightness, that strain is being felt in my hamstrings more than anything. Yeah.

Once your body's moving better, you'll be able to get some really nice deep stretching. And FaceTime me. I'll take you through my morning mobility routine. Anyway, that's my answer. I mean, I think that's mine too. I think that's mine too. I don't think anything else sucks about being me. I guess it's, I...

Or at least sucks that bad. The taking the trash, the recycle. and the paper recycling out every Thursday is kind of my sole job. Like, I don't split that with anybody. Everything, every other thing that happens in the house is sort of like shared. Actually, I'm sure Jill does a lot that I don't have anything to do with. But that's one that I really hate doing, but I also feel like I would be upset if anybody else did it. I'd be like, no, I was going to do that.

I feel some kind of like ownership, but I also really hate doing it. it. I'll like come home late on Thursday and be like, oh, fuck, I forgot. I have to take everything out and replace the bags. Do you have to slice boxes? I break them down as they come in. Yeah, but I have to, there are some weeks that are box heavy and you have to store a few downstairs and then they have to come up. They've got to go in the bag. Sometimes the bag tears. Sometimes you need two. They need to be clear. And that probably hurts your back too. Lifting, bending, pulling, stretching, breaking down. It doesn't feel great. It doesn't feel good. Great. No. No. In fact, I might pass the buck on because I feel like Jill doesn't do enough. She should at least do the recycling. Oh, man. We shouldn't ask her about cooking. I don't want to do that either. I think she does a lot of that. Okay. What's the next question? One second. Here it is. Oh, well, also I want to read some answers. The top answer. I'm just lonely as fuck. Okay. It's nice to read other people's misery. It makes you feel a little bit better about your own. Yeah, because I just, I said that I didn't like taking out the garbage. And the second answer is getting used by people you thought were friends. Yeah, sort of crippling depression in situations that are untenable and unsustainable. It's a lot worse than that. I'm 47, a virgin and still single, not ideal.

Right. You don't want that either. But if you don't really start the bottom, there's going to go but up. Having lupus, chronic back pain and joint pain and depression. I have one of those. Yeah. Yeah. Just lupus then probably for you.

Yeah. Right. We got unemployment. We have chronic migraines and IBS. Obviously bad. Okay. You know what Avital tried for back pain that helped her? Tell me.

I don't know if I ever told you this. Fasting. Oh, yeah. I have, I've heard things like that. But I mean, I think that could, it's like fasting and or changing your diet. Like you might just be eating inflammatory foods. Yeah. But fasting.

after some research, she found out that fasting, after a certain amount of days, like your body starts eating bad cells in your body. Oh, interesting. And makes you feel better. Wow. The hard part is not eating for three days. Yeah. But if the result is a pain-free existence, it might be worth it.

Did she fast for three days? Yeah. So it was very helpful. That seems so hard. So hard. Yeah. Well, you can drink a lot of water and then sneak in some sandwiches here and there as long as the rest of the time you're fasting.

You have a breakfast burrito, of course. That doesn't count. Yeah. I remember... Black coffee. I was doing intermittent fasting when we were shooting Lonely and Horny, I think maybe even the first season. And I remember midway through, I was like, I shouldn't do this because it puts me in such

a bad mood to not eat. I'm angry. Yeah. I was just like on set being like, I pissed off. I'm like, oh, this is a really bad way to exist in this moment. Because you can eat some of the time, but not all. Maybe if you just have a three-day weekend, you're like, I'm just not going to eat. I've also had a situation where I felt like I was under-eating and I ate more and I felt better.

So you really, I don't know. Okay. Here's another one. If you woke up today from a 25-year coma, what would be the most unbelievable thing to find out? 9-11, Trump? The Raptors winning a championship. I mean, those are probably the three. And then I guess head gum for the Mount Rushmore, the big four, nine-11.

11 Trump and that we have a Raptors and head gum. Yeah. Yeah. Actually, that's a good point. The headgum thing. I feel like if you showed me in 2000 that I was going to be successful, I would have thought that was insane. It didn't feel like that could happen.

Right. That's probably your parents' answer too. Yeah, probably. I don't know. Does Trump seem that surprising? In 2000, if you said Donald Trump is going to be president, I'd be like, oh, he's like a rich, famous guy that seems in line with stuff that happens. But he wasn't a politician. Everything was very like, you had to be a governor and then a president.

He was just like a real estate guy. Yeah. I think it probably would have been like, I mean, I feel like the thing that's surprising is that somebody that's as like unhinged and racist as him is the president. But he didn't seem quite, I guess he was always that racist. He didn't seem as on hinge back then. Yeah. Yeah.

I think I would have just been like, oh, okay. I barely knew the difference between, I remember thinking like George Bush and Al Gore. Like that was the year that like there was that like stalemate and we didn't know who's going to be president. I remember just thinking like, I don't care. Yeah. Hanging chads. That was the last time ever that I was like, I guess it doesn't really matter to me. I mean, I want Al Gore to win.

But if it's the other guy, whatever. I'm 14. Either way, I'm going to try to fucking find porn. Yeah. So I think I feel like the, maybe FaceTime. That feels like the most like. Futuristic. Yeah, it does to me.

Like, because I kind of remember even like the slow creep of it being blown away like when I was in college in a long distance relationship. And like my girlfriend got a computer that had a built-in. like camera where we could like chat. And I like went to Staples and I got a webcam that I plugged in. I was like, oh my God, we're having a video chat. This is insane. This is some back to the future too shit.

Yeah. So if I was 14 and you showed me like a FaceTime where I could call my mom, I would be like, this is the future from your electric cars. Thin phone. Yeah, electric cars are cool. A thousand TV channels that nobody watches. Yeah. I guess maybe HDTV.

Anything with a screen. All right. One last one. Okay. what's this interesting what's the weirdest thing someone has said to you during sex the weirdest thing yeah i really have a weird thing i guess i don't either let's not because i literally don't oh there's a lot of these are about sex um that's awesome yeah okay um sex okay that's what's your NSFW secret that you're still hiding from everyone that's cool

Jesus um no you have 30 oh okay this is good this is for us okay you have 30 seconds to ruin a first date what do you say this is actually perfect because I just wrote I think I sent it to you a few weeks ago I that I wrote a lonely and horny intro okay which I think is Yeah, I think this is the fastest way to ruin. I mean, we're professionals at ruining a date in less than a minute. Okay. So what would you, well, what did you write slash what should I say? I can't remember it exactly, but I think it was, you're talking about love languages.

Oh, the date says like, what are your, what's your love language? And you say, I don't know, head. What's your love language? I don't know. A head. Either that or like, God. acts of service so like I like when my woman breaks down the recycling for me how about sitting down and saying I have cocaine I have it on me Ricky is correct it's

a plus and I am the guy yeah yeah that sort of would ruin it pretty quickly yeah I could definitely do it follow it up with I'm sorry about that my caps lock was broken that would be a weird thing to say slash do that wouldn't be ideal but yeah lonely and horny is littered with those things yeah i want to see if i can find this script if i can't then we can just cut all of this okay moment of truth god holy shit what will it be what is he searching i found it oh my god fast i searched shit emails from me to you with attachments uh this is here's a lonely and horny script that will never see the light of day um ruby 42 bad sits at the bar across from his date melinda late 30s

a decent person melinda says and it's not just about which love language you speak so we pick up in the middle of the conversation uh it's not just about which love language you speak but about which ones you understand and ruby says i can't believe there's a whole language i've never heard of and i'm already bilingual plus i'm learning french and that she says yeah you mentioned that a lot. And you say we. Melinda then says, but as to love languages, what do you think yours are? You say, it's tough. I guess mine would be head. And she says what? Not having listened at all to the five languages. Just what? And then you say, I was, probably, probably had. She says what? And you say, I was saying, I don't really know. What are yours? And then just,

smooth that she says right so like i said there there are only five acts of service words of affirmation quality time physical touch and gifts and then you interrupt you say physical touch for me a hundred percent and then i literally hate the other ones 100 percent ruby smiles weekly and puts his hand on melinda's she draws her hand away swiftly oh god melinda says minor acts of service and quality time. I love when people show up for me. And then you say, yes, same.

I think spending time together, touching and head are my tops. And it ain't that particularly close between those three. One is pretty far ahead, if you know what I'm saying. Any ending there? Let's see. So she says, then it continues. Melinda says, head isn't a love language.

And then you say, it's an act of service and its quality. And Good Dome is a gift. I think Falacio has it all. The French call an orgasm little death. But to me, there's nothing deadly about it. And she says, right, how do you say little death in French? And then Ruby says, the parenthetical is bad French laugh

so I say oh ha ha ha sock my bleu I haven't learned that one in duolingo I broke my streak last year and I haven't had the heart to open the app

and then I guess we keep on going Melinda says so you're not really learning French Ruby says not much for words of affirmation are you Melinda low blow

and then she says well you don't need words of affirmation right you mostly care about receiving oral sex and you say and giving it but only in return

Only in return, Melinda. Nothing in life is free. The French have a saying for it, they call it La Dolce Vida. And that's where it ends. Ah, Ruby, you fool. Yeah, you really, we found another character that you can just, you can almost stream of consciousness write him because he's always horny and awful. He says lowers things imaginable, but always.

All right, that's it. That's our time. Thanks for listening. for indulging. We appreciate it. We have, we always have your back. Let us know about the fruit thing.

Let us know about the bike thing. If you want to join us in that venture. And if you want more of us, we're recording some bonus segments on our Patreon. Patreon.com slash jaw. JAA. That's right. Yeah.

We got some stories there. Us trying to figure out a crossword puzzle or two. It's been fun. Let's get into it. Adding a Monday release into that content bucket. So enjoy that too. Yeah. Let us know what you want to see.

We are willing to listen. Yeah, that one's a video. So you can watch us there. And we'll be back next Monday, y'all, for now. All right. Bye. Bye. That was a Hidgum original.