Segments - 92: Blind Rank

Episode Date: August 25, 2025

In this episode we discuss hot sauces, long pees, and Jake’s old hobbies.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum original. Your first great love story is free when you sign up for a free 30-day trial at audible.ca.ca. That's audible.ca. slash wondering. Jake and a mere two Jews that you can't forget. In 2010, they were big on the internet. But then three failed pilots, two rejected. movie scripts won't last its effort

to try and stop their career from going to shit Another podcast Each app different from the last It's the Swiss Army nightbook shows

Meet you two pathetic hosts Well Well well well Four episodes to go. Is that true? You keep guessing, and I'm not really sure. I think it might be. I'm actually, yeah, I'm not, you're right.

It might be like five. I'm not positive myself. This is the 25th. Yeah. So then there's the first. Yeah. And then the eighth and then the 15th. Okay.

I think that is four. So this is the, on the Mount Rushmore of last episodes left. Yeah. That's a big deal. Yeah. Basically, a big fucking deal. One month left. until we don't have to talk to each other anymore probably ever but maybe at least for a decade yeah

well i mean we're still going to do um the patreon twice a week so i think we'll be talking to each other frankly the exact same amount really okay um if you get something if you get something in the mail from me yeah promise me you won't open it until uh so i opened that yesterday that was Fuck my ass. A severed horse head. Yeah. It was pretty messed up. I didn't think we were going to talk.

Yeah. And honestly, I cut it super close. Yeah, you did. Because at the very least, we'd have four more episodes left. So like, what's the point of sending it? Yeah, I think you got giddy. You jumped the gun. The hard part was finding a seahorse that small that it would fit in the little envelope.

Nice. That's disgusting. Come on. Grow up. What's the biggest animal you've ever murdered? Uh, does a glue trap? for finding a mouse count? Yeah, it does.

Okay, so probably like a hippo. I went big game hunting in South Africa on safari. Right. Yeah. I can see the, I can see your taxidermit tropy behind you. You're the guy that killed Cecil the lion, right? For my anniversary, I want to go big game hunting with Avital. And she's like, she's pretty pro animal.

So it's, yeah. It's an uphill battle for me to drag her and end to, and like having her kill a moose or something. Yeah, but she doesn't have to kill it. It would actually be perfect for her because she could see the animals and then she'll shut her eyes as you kill them. The thing is we're just helping control the pet population

in those certain areas. Like those animals need to be killed in order for the other animals to survive. That's really smart. Yeah. Is that their defense? I think I've heard something like that, yeah. Cool.

And honestly, I mean, I guess it makes sense. I'm not an animal tician. Like, you tell me what's good. I'm sure the antelopes appreciate it. Exactly. What am I going to get mad when a lion kills a zebra? Then why are you mad when I choke out the neighborhood cat? Good stuff.

It is sometimes funny. I think about how carefully I deal with Luke's health situation. And then also there's just this orange cat that lives on the street that looks great and fine. I'm like, that cat eats garbage. Do they have diet? Because I spent a lot on medicated food for Luke and he's still not doing too hot. So like, how is that cat? I'm cooking rice for my dog, but this robust cat is absolutely thriving on the trash.

The Heathcliff diet when you just walk around. And by the way, the coyotes are everywhere. This cat seems to be fine with that too, even though they say lock up your animals because there's coyotes around. This cat's fucking fatter than ever chilling on my front stoop. Do you consider him your cat? No, because I think he retreats into a house somewhere around here. So it's like an outdoor cat that belongs to somebody. So you don't feed that cat?

I don't feed the cat. Okay. Okay. At least not our purpose. Yeah. I do throw out a lot of cat food, so maybe he finds his weight of my trash can more often than not. Yeah, because Luke's diet for his stomach is catnip, right?

Is discarded cat food, yeah. Leftover cat food from this cat. This is segments, the only podcast. that literally has four episodes left. That's right. I'm taking, borrowing, stealing this segment idea from the TikTok Instagram Reels universe, so I don't know if you've seen it before.

It's kind of like ranker, but it's a blind rank. So I throw items at you and you have to rank them without knowing what's coming up next. What's coming next? Yeah. I have seen this because the admin for the Tottenham Instagram I think is plugged in.

So every single meme online, I have seen, but through the soccer players doing it. Okay. Yeah. And what were they ranking when you saw the video? I think they were ranking like best soccer players of all time. Got it. Okay. So this is like that, but I opened it up to anything in the world.

Yeah. Okay. So I'm going to give you 20 things and you have to blind rank them. And I'll write them down. So you can see how your list is at the end of the list. Okay. So it's anything in the world like swimming and... Judaism, yeah, yeah, it's all over the place.

Got it. Yeah. Okay. Okay, ready? I'm intrigued. Yeah. Okay, first one. Let's start it off.

Oh, and I should say you can play at home. Let's start it off kind of simply, an umbrella. An umbrella. I'm going to go pretty low on umbrella because I don't even use them myself. Like when it's raining, I just kind of go out. loose into the world. Really? I don't care.

What if it's pouring? If it's pouring, then I'll find a way to not go into the rain. I see. You won't find me walking down the street with an umbrella. Do you have an umbrella? Yeah, we have several umbrellas. You need them. You know, Jill collects them.

Yes, of course. And Gemma has a little umbrella. And the only reason I might go up is because, one, I don't know if you're going to put something really fucked up on this list that I would have to go. Evil at the end. Yeah. Like if I'm going to end up ranking like Nazis 19 and umbrellas 20, that stands. That's legal.

That would be a, yeah, that would be a gotcha. Journalism moment, yeah. So I'll put umbrellas at 18, actually. They're going to go up one because a beach umbrella is kind of nice. Though I'm a new convert to the Shibumi shade. Oh my God. We have 19 more. Have you heard about this?

Have you seen these? I assume it's like a hut or a tent or something. Oh, no. It's a single pole that goes, that arches across the sand and then draped in that, almost like a curtain is a sheer wall of fabric that lifts in the breeze and it blows like a horizontal flag and creates a spot of shade on the sand. They're pretty neat. Legos.

12. 12. 12 Wow That was so fast We heard you wax About shade You obviously don't want to

Engage with me on shit So yeah 12 I mean they're nice Legos are pretty good I don't have a relationship With them any more But some nostalgia for them

For sure So 12 for Legos I think so A croissant Ooh that's high That's high I mean It's up there

with, I mean, potentially, it's potentially my favorite food. Is Shibububi on this list? I mean, it could be. It's my favorite food, I think. It's really up there with my favorite foods. My favorite might be mac and cheese, but they are neck and neck. Have you ever had a cheese croissant? Of course I've had a cheese croissant.

I've had a ham and cheese croissant. And I've had a chocolate croissant. And I've had an almond croissant. And I've had a Zatar Spiced. croissant. So I've had the mall. I've had the ball. Those are all of them. That's every possible one. There's only five croissants on earth and I've had a croissant I don't like either. Like I have been to Paris and I've gone to the mecca. I've gotten like the croissants and then I've also just I'll enjoy the the Starbucks croissant. What about what about like a Starbucks on 7th Avenue, you know? What about like a saran wrapped

croissant that tastes like a roll at the airport or something? I've also had something. I've also had something like that and like when we're flying through Iceland or Spain. Yeah. You know, they're not good croissants, but they remind you of home. Because they're the shape of a croissant, even though they're not actually legally a croissant. I'll go croissants four. Wow, pretty high. Yeah.

Okay. Dandruff. Dandruff. Now, I'm sure you know that I've struggled with dandruff. I am a dry guy. You're an oily man. Do you care to share that with everybody? You're oily?

I have an oily tea zone to be sure, but my scalp, because I've been shampooing less and less, can become dry as well, as well as beer dandruff. Let's not forget beer dandruff. Yeah, beer dandruff, that one is real. That one is real.

And I have the nervous tick of rubbing my beard often. Yeah, you ever scratch your chin and you're in the light at a certain way? And it's like, oh my God, I didn't realize how much dead skin is just falling out of my Yeah, I'll do that like when it's cold an hour. Yeah. And actually when I drive with the croissant, I kind of exit the car with my chest covered in dandruff

from the beard from scratching and then my gut covered in croissant crumbs. But the croissant crumbs, I don't mind because they're they're just part of my aura and the dandruff messes with my riz okay i think i like my what did i rank umbrellas uh 18 18 wow i now i kind of feel like you're going to come at me with some really fucked up ones though so dandruff while i don't like it it's manageable and i have a shampoo that i use that keeps it at bay. And I even have a proprietary beard oil that helps if I remember put it in. So I'll put

dandruff above umbrellas at 17. So you prefer dandruff to umbrellas? I think so. It's it's more manageable, less cumbersome. I can hide it with a hat. I can't hide an umbrella with a hat. I've always said that. A solid dog poop after some diarrhea. Um, That doesn't really track for me at all. You don't seem to care. I imagine that's really satisfying. Dingo has a pretty good gut. I think I've seen him have diarrhea like once or twice in like three years of hanging out with him.

Or maybe two years, I guess. He's, yeah, he's two. Wait, has it been three years? I think we've had him for three years. Happy anniversary, Dingo. This is right around our, our, his, the time that we got him. Wow. But yeah, you know what?

I actually researched recently because around my neighborhood, there's a lot of signs that say, don't let your dog poop here, like no poop or pee zone. Be respectful. No poops. You're on camera. But they're all in kind of this like, there, you know, that little like square strip of of grass and dirt on the New York City streets. I, like, searched to see who actually owns that.

And it's not technically the homeowners. It's public property. Yeah. It's maintained by the city or, I mean, it's not really maintained by anybody. Some people plant little gardens, and I don't want to go to poop on their gardens, but, like, some people just have, like, dirt and debris in it, and it's like, I'm going to pick up the poop. It seems fine if he shits here.

Also, dogs really love pissing on signs that say, don't piss on this sign. And then it's like, oh, somebody, a dog pissed on that sign. I'm going to piss on that sign. And nothing makes dogs want to pee more than that sign. Right. It's how they talk to each other. So anyway, I think because he has a pretty reliable gut, I don't really mind any about this poop stuff.

An occasional diarrhea. So I'll just put that at like, yeah, I'll put it at 15. Okay, a solid dog poop. Yeah. Okay. A long bike ride on an autumn day. 19. Oh, my God.

God, you knew that there was a Faustian bargain at the end of that. No, I like, I, yeah, love my long bike rides. If I'm being indulgent, I actually prefer them on hot days because I like to be sweaty. But a nice crisp, sunny autumn day where I can get hot and not overheat and go on a long ride, maybe up the Farmington Canal. shout out to Connecticut. That seems pretty good. I'll put it at five. Below croissant.

Yeah, because I'm usually riding my bike to earn that delicious croissant. I was walking the dogs the other day, and one of them pooped in a neighbor's driveway. And some guy, like, just from across the street, I guess, owned the property. He's like, can you make sure your dog doesn't poop on my yard? I'm like, oh, sorry. He's like, even if he's not pooping, like, oh, other dogs smell the pee and, like, try to, like, poop on the pee? I'm like, okay.

Where do you think dogs poop and pee, sir? Like, this is all, they're not going to do it in the middle of the street. It's all somebody's driveway. That's where they poop and pee. Like, there's no other place unless I, like, lift them up and bring them to a public park. They're going to all, every neighborhood dog poops and peas on your driveway, yes. It's, you got me, but every other dog is going to do. that. Wait, and what of the dog was peeing or pooping? I think peeing and he's like, can you make

sure your dog doesn't poop on my driveway? I'm like, he's not. He's just peeing. He's like, yeah, because even if you just pee, like, other dogs want to like use that area as a toilet. Yep, that's what they do. They use that area as a toilet. They go outside. Yeah, that's, you know, what can you really do? You just have to be respectful. What about like, you're going to pee your poop there. If you can clean it up, then you, that's like, sometimes. I feel bad that that's all you can ask if a dog pees on like a car's wheel do you feel bad about that a car's wheel not really the like that's pee is fine so he's really not a big deal yeah I think yeah no I I wouldn't really think twice about it I've seen he's tried to pee on like a

motorcycle that's got one of those like tarps over it and I that's where I drew the line you're like because that guy somebody's gonna have to put their yeah that's Yeah, that's like cloth. That's going to stain. Yeah. That guy has to touch it. What about like a couple having a picnic? Are you okay with them like getting pissed on a little bit?

Actually, last week a dog came over. I put my, I was, took them and go to the park. This is like early in the morning before they have like dogs don't have to have leashes on early in the morning before. I think it's before 8 a.m. That's really dangerous. That's really dangerous. Yeah. It's New York City off leash hours.

and they're lovely and the dogs can run around and play and it's not that crowd in the park near me so i brought my i brought like the chucker thrown dingo the ball um and i was like kind of swinging my legs and doing some stretches while he was running around so i had like my keys and my phone um and i was wearing a hat but like all of that was getting cumbersome so i took my keys my phone um and i put him inside my hat along with dingo's dog leash and i kind of just put it on the ground and when I was stretching my legs out and just kind of like swinging my arms, cracking my shoulders. And a dog came around behind me, just lifted his leg and pissed directly in my hat on everything. Everything away.

Yeah, just like full on marking my hat. But it was cradling all of my shit. It was the most inconvenient thing for me to have put there for this dog to and like a little toilet Did you look at the dog's owner I was like hey your dog pissed on my hat God damn it

the guy like ran over and like pulled and was like yelled the dog's name and apologized to me but I was like I mean it's I was asking for that it looked like a toilet

he was asking for hat I put my hat right on the ground yeah I that's the type of shit the dogs do they love that and I was kind of like I was I felt like it was safe because I was near it so nobody could steal it, but I wasn't really thinking of a dog just

walking over and casually pissing in it. Ozympic. I don't care about it at all. So I guess it's kind of neutral. I'll do 14. I guess it's good that it exists for some people who need it. What are you trying to say? Like I'm on it?

I have diet discipline. Are you on it? You have an ozempic face. I have ozempic teeth in that every one of my teeth is a GLP1 inhibitor. And I just pop them out and take it like a fucking cyanide capsule. And guess what? My craving to eat food, to gamble, to fight is muted a little bit for that day. I guess I could do it for like my cell phone addiction.

That would be interesting. Yeah. And I guess it has other pretty big anti-inflammatory. health benefits beyond just the curtailing of food. So maybe we should take it, actually. Yeah, I guess it's like the more people study it, the more it shows like other, the side effects are all somewhat beneficial. That's fascinating.

Obviously not, all the side effects. I do battle inflammation. Right. That's what I'm saying. Did you try the fast that I recommended last week? It was a three-day water fast. Yeah, no, I did not. Let's take a break.

Let's take a break. You have to sit and think about that. Yeah. Mr. Monopoly here. Monopoly is back at McDonald's. Register in the McDonald's app, so you're ready to... Get your bag! Two ways to peel for a chance to...

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purchase ends November 23rd, but bonus plan is November 2nd. Monopoly is a registered trademark of Hasbro. Copyright McDonald's. And we're back. Right. We mentioned earlier that the podcast is ending the Patreon survives. We were able to do a coupon code for the Patreon for those of you who want to test the waters. Whoa.

How does 50% off sound? That's way too deep. You did not run that by me. That is not an okay number. $2 and $50 instead of $5 for the first month If people are interested It's not Yeah well what if they buy it for the fucking year

Yeah You thought about that Maybe I honestly don't know how this works I just know that I set it to The coupon code is segment Which should give you 50% off your purchase of our Patreon Wow Baller

Baller And keep in mind there are what Seven years of backlog at this point Yeah there's hundreds of videos at this point So you can always just get it for one month download, scrape and download everything using a third-party app and then create like a terabyte hard drive,

an external hard drive and just watch that. Yeah, and you can upload that to like some kind of like a list of file sharing like place. So for 250, you can basically financially ruin us. Yeah, exactly. High-res, high-deaf. Finding a $100 bill on the ground. That doesn't do anything for me.

I'm not motivated by cash. I would actually be more excited to find a croissant on the ground. You realize with money, you can buy lots of croissons. Is that true? Okay, I'll do that three then. How do you think money works? Have you been stealing croissants? Have I done 13?

I'll do 13. That seems fine to find cash, but 100 doesn't move the needle. But $100, that's pretty exciting. Have you ever found a Hyundai? No, definitely not. I found it 20 before, and I'm pretty sure I was very excited. Yeah. So, but you're still putting it below Legos.

Yeah, because I don't know. That's just like, it's cool, but inflation this day and age. What can you do with $100? I mean, it's better than Osama. Buy lunch for three days. So right now, your 12 to 15 is stacked. Legos, finding $100 bill, OZempic, a solid dog boop. 16 is blank 17 is dandruff 18 umbrella and then in the top five you have blank blank blank blank at one two three

croissant in a long bike ride okay i like yeah my middle is definitely a little off because i don't it seems like i like ozempic more than my dog having a healthy bio yeah which isn't right but what are you going to do it's blind i can't yeah i can't go back correct okay how about this one Cologne. Not interested. God, it might even be 19. Like it makes me feel a little ill. Interesting.

But I'm going to reserve 19 and 20 for something really bad. I think I'll put it at 16. Okay. But it does nothing for me and I actively dislike it. Down there with Dandruff and dare I say, umbrellas. I think it is, I think it all started when I was 13 or 14. 14 and I maybe 15. I got drunk for, it was my early days of just, you know, beginning to steal my parents alcohol and drinking. 15 is pretty young. Yeah. When I think about it

now that I'm 40. Especially because Gemma's what 14 at this point? Imagine her doing that. Yeah. Yeah. I was, I was hung over it, but I had also just started wearing cologne. I think it was called cool water. And I don't know if I was wearing the real cool water for it was a knockoff from like coals. But, I was hungover and I sprayed my cologne on me to like kind of mask the scent and it smelled so bad that it made me throw up like in almost instantaneously because it is kind of alcoholy smelled yeah it's it's just like I don't know yeah it does I feel like you don't people don't smell that bad unless they're like sweating a lot like the natural sense are fine yeah but some people do have like a scent like I always wear this cologne and you're like oh okay that's it could be kind of nice yeah Maybe if it's insanely subtle. Insanely subtle. So much so that nobody realizes it. A Tottenham Hot Spurs game-winning goal.

Wow. Game-winning goal, that is, it's euphoric. But I feel like you're baiting me to like rank it above Gemma's first steps or something. There are a few things in the world that give me such delight as a good. Tottenham game winning goal and they're they're few and far between um so when they happen they really do mean a lot um i'll put it at number three all right so now we got three four five and twelve through eighteen and every other slot is available oh man the relief of a long pee the relief of a long pee pee um okay in or out

of the potty. Yeah. I think there that is a really a really good one. Sometimes I text my sister because her and I both have small bladders

and when we have a really satisfying one, we just text each other the words sweet relief. And we both understand that like the other one had been in a dire situation and got to a potty on time.

Add me to that thread. You think so? I'm usually not a sufferer from that. But I would like to know when your sister has a sweet relief. Yeah. I had to piss in a parking garage yesterday. Would you care to know what happened?

Was it a bottle? Was it the just corner of a parking garage? Was it a toilet or a hat that you found, perhaps? I pissed in my hat. Because I smelled the dog. And I had to mark it as mine. that I was at the doctor and I was I needed to piss but I had already been admitted into the room where I was to meet my physician so I was waiting and I was like I want to go back out but

I don't want to miss him he's it seems like he is busy was I had already waited for 20 minutes so I was like I'm just going to wait so I waited saw the doctor and then they let me out and I actually had to schedule a follow-up, which was taking a little bit longer than I wanted to. And I was like, and I really had to piss. Yeah. So I was just like tapping my foot, scheduled. I was like, I didn't even look at my calendar. I was like, I think this is clear.

And if it's not, I'm just going to have to call later because I have to piss so bad I have to leave. And then I'm leaving. She's like, oh, here's, I have to pay. I pay. Start leaving. She's like, wait, let me give you your receipt. I'm like, oh, okay. She's like, this is, you need this for your follow-up appointment.

she's like takes it she prints it out she folds it into thirds she takes out an envelope oh not exact thirds do you mind if i reprint yeah she's like here's the card and this is your receipt it goes out it's on another piece of paper she gets a stapler she staples it she's folding it i'm like just i need to go out into the hallway to the bathroom i go i rush out into the hallway where i noticed there were two bathrooms when i walked in but i see the um I see like one of the first nurses who saw me waiting in a line. There are two, they're both occupied. And I'm like, this is, I can't wait.

I cannot wait. I have to go downstairs and I'll piss in the lobby. So I'm like, at this point I have like tunnel vision. Like I need to piss so badly. So I press the button. I go down to the first floor and I ask the doorman, like, is there a bathroom? And he says no. He says that there's one on the same.

second floor. And I already know that there's a line that I don't have time. And I was like, all right, I'm going to go outside and just find a restaurant. But I'm like so chill with him. Like, oh, no, it's all good. Like, yeah, don't worry about me. Like, it's not an emergency. I walk outside and I'm just like, I wish I had a camera. Where is this? This is on, it's in Sutton Square, like 60 second in York. Okay. Almost the river. Yeah, basically the river. Like one of those dead then streets where it goes to the FDR drive. And I go outside and I'm like, I literally just didn't even know what way to turn. Because everywhere I looked, there was just nothing that I like nowhere I could piss.

It was too far away. The river was taunting you. I start like kind of walking thinking I might be able to find a building that I can piss in. But there's like people everywhere because it's New York City. Yeah. And then I turn and I'm like, oh, maybe like the parking garage. has a bathroom but I'm just like I like starting to squirt like squirt a little bit in my pants at this point I'm like I if I don't go right now I'm going to piss my pants so it's

either pissing in public or pissing my pants it's over and I just like darted into the corner of the parking garage wow on concrete on concrete right by the opening right by the sidewalk people saw you for sure for sure but I mean, I've seen people piss on the street before and I'm never like, you can't piss there. Right. It would take like a guy talking to a dog. Yeah.

Yeah. Like, I'm not pissing here because I'm like, because I'm proud of cool. I'm not defiling this sidewalk because I don't give a shit. I'm a man who didn't want to piss in his jeans. And I had to do it. Because you get a handcuffed. Yeah.

So this, this like the sweet relief thing, it is very real for me. But I do find myself having to piss all the time. So it's not even, it's a really familiar feeling. It's, it wouldn't rank above a Tottenham goal. I think it might even be like seven. Volunteurism. What?

Volunteurism. It's the idea that you sort of put volunteers with tourists. So it's like, I'm going to Haiti, but I'm there to help. I don't know anything about it. I'll put 10. It seems good, but I don't know. You can see how it could have like a blowback in some way. Yeah, maybe it's just like give everything and help when you want to help

and then be on vacation when you want to be on vacation, you know. Right. But it seems fine. It seems good. It's not for me. It seems fine. No, neither is Cologne. Yeah, but it's 10 because it might be for others.

Your birthday. Ooh. I don't like my birthday. I don't care for it. Always or recently? I think pretty much always. I like being around the center of attention. I like being kind of part of the moment.

But if I'm the singular focus, it makes me feel a little uncomfortable. Yeah, you like it. it's like somebody else's birthday and you're there to celebrate. This is why I always try to plan the family Nantucket trip around my birthday because then it's kind of like, oh, we're on vacation and I'll get to celebrate my birthday with my family, but I don't have to be like out there in the world being like, today should be all about me. What should we plan?

What about your birthday Instagram post? That is, I guess I didn't say it. Do you find that to be nice or are you like, this is now an obligation that you wish you could stop? it's um no i found it to be nice but i i will not do one next year i think it's over oh that's it how many did you do 40 or i mean i i got up to uh i didn't do 40 i think i've done 40 no i know how much you turned right how many pictures you've taken i got up to 40 from 27 so oh wow i didn't realize it was over a decade yeah 27 28 29 30 all the way to

40 yeah holy shit and it's not that I I like kind of like marking that with a photo and and they've gotten more like I kind of like reflect on them more these years where I'm like oh okay I want to have it in this thing because that's who I am that's who I've been this year like right have you done like a collage where it's like all 16 of them or whatever 14 of them in one grid no but I thought about doing a post for it on substack again remind me what your substack is because yeah i'm i'm so interested in reading it yeah and i'm and i'm not i'm curious to subscribe right well you can why don't you do it right now while i'm while we're together because you just open a new tab my hands are like filled with i'm slicing carrots i should say why we're recording so substack dot com slash jake hurwitz

yeah are you still doing one a week not in the summer it's been every like two weeks maybe even every two and a half weeks okay but maybe i'll get back to once a week um but with the travel it was too much um so yeah the the 27 through 41 might be a fun progression to see all laid out yeah or to 440 all laid out in a grid yeah especially like they really do mark a moment the 2021 is uh me in a mask so it's there's one outside of the house that jill and i worked on so yeah there's definitely like um and then you can add they all they tell the stuff right yeah and you already baked in 14 years so it's like do I just abandon this running thing it's like a built in tradition I don't really post on Instagram so like that you can see if you like go on my

Instagram they used to be like every 10 post was a birthday post it was like you know it went in a year of posting right but now I think like there's like one or two posts and then my birthday last year so it's usually me looking pensive in between yeah so if i were posting more i might do it but since i'm not i don't think i'm just going to keep instagram because it's a place where i post my birthday photo yeah your birthday gram anyway my birthday i'll put it at did i ever say eight no that's in august so we'll put it eight august okay that's good yeah uh uninterrupted long sleep um that's another one that i think i just i guess i take it for granted um I pretty much get it.

When I haven't gotten it, it's been pretty sad. So I'll put it at six. I value it. Yeah. Wow. So do I have three, four, five, six, seven, eight? Oh, okay. I don't have nine or eleven.

It's pretty symmetrical right now. So you have no one or two and no 19 or 20. Then you have three through eight a space for nine, volunteerism right in the middle at 10, 11 off, then 12 through 18. Okay. Okay. now I mean this is so high stakes shit yeah this is this is this is serious it's time to buckle down saracha hmm saracha was a big big part of my life when I first discovered it way less so now

but I don't dislike it it's I think there was a time when it went on everything and now it goes on cuisine that I think it warrants saracha so when it's around it's pretty good But I don't seek it out or need it, so I'll put it at 11. Are you a hot sauce man still, or you just don't do it as much as you used to? I like, I think I'm a, I'm a sauce man. They don't have to be hot, but I think it can't be dry. But I like, I like an aoli. I like a hot sauce.

I like, uh, balsamic. I like this, I like the, excuse me, I'm not even close to dump. Rock climbing. Completing a route in rock climbing. climbing. I think it has to go nine because it's not one or two. And I wonder if I might have to put it all the way down at 19. I retired from climbing.

Whoa. When were you going to tell us? I guess, yeah, it hasn't come up. I haven't climbed in, I want it since March maybe. So did you know that that was your last time? Did you just hurt your back and you're like, I don't want to risk it again? Well, I hurt my back and I like went through the PT and I've like, built back up and then I like went rock climbing and the swinging of my hips and the press

and the standing on my legs like irritated my back and then I like did the PT the stretches got good again went climbing like tweaked something I'm just like oh the rinse repeat maybe it's just my body telling me that climbing is not for me right now and it's like I'm also I've plateaued there was a time when I was like getting better when I trained and now I'm just like yeah And I'm also not, I guess I went climbing outside last year. I think that's when you almost died. Yeah. I feel like I would rather go climbing outside once or twice a year than like train at the gym two or three times a week, which was what I was doing.

So I like cycling and weight training more now. Okay. So nine or 19? I guess it's a nostalgic feeling, which would make it feel nine, but maybe 19 because it's not, I think I'm going to put it at. 19. I feel like I'm going to want to put something else at nine. Antidepressants. God damn it. That's, I'll put that at nine. I feel like they're good, but I have never, I have no relationship with them. We should take them for the last few episodes, see what we feel. Yeah. Because maybe we're depressed and we don't even know it. Right. I'm sad that the show's over. Right. So this could be like help with that. Do they make you feel nothing? They don't make you feel happy. I think they make you feel less sad. That's good.

Porno videos Porno videos By the way, you have one, two, and 20 left These are high stakes class three I feel like I famously like Pornow videos but I can't in good conscience Put it at one or two So I think

I think they have to go 20 And they are fraught You have to appreciate only the right kinds of porn videos I really the new porn video that I like are more community based porn videos couples making amateur films rather than the big industry ones so I'll put it at 20 has COVID changed porn I think only fans and Patreon and like fandom and paying people that you like changed porn now people don't have to get like caught up in the industry you can actually just like be give direct

Yeah, your own creator. Jillian. My wife? Yes. I can't imagine anything beating that out. Yeah, that's a very easy number one. You're not going to like this last one. Oh, it already did porn.

It's chocolate croissants. Finding a mouse in your French fries. shit i wish i saved that one slot i guess i have to put it i have to put it number two yeah this one could have been number two yeah yeah for sure um all right but at the end of the day finding a mouse in your fries i'm rich i would take a video of that i would sue the establishment i think i can so you'd be rich from that around yeah i think i i think if that if that event happened to me i it would be a good thing net positive. Okay, so this is your final list. And let's see if there's any alterations you would

have done had you known the list like ranker. But this is blind rancor. Number one, Jillian, classic. That locked. That's good. Number two, finding a mouse in your french fries. Might not have gone that high. Yeah, I think that would have been 19. Number three, Hot Spurs game winning goal. Still euphoric enjoying it. Yeah, I think that's right. Four croissant, five long bike ride, six long interrupted night's sleep. Yeah, these are all good. Seven is the pee. Yeah.

That seems right. Oh, maybe actually my birthday is probably over peepee. I would swap that. Yeah. Birthday above pee pee. My birthday is eight. Antidepressants, volunteerism, saracha, and Legos right in the middle.

Yeah. I would maybe just fully reverse that. So you'd go Lego, Syraccia, volunteerism, and antidepressants. Yeah. That feels good. You didn't know. Yeah.

Finding 100 is. Below all that. Oh, I guess that would probably go above saracha. Not that I think about it, yeah. Then 14 through 20 is Ozempic. Uh-huh. A solid dog poop. Okay, dog poop above Ozempic.

Cologne. Colon is good. Dandruff 17. Umbralla 18. I guess umbrella would. Seems low. Yeah, probably go above Ozempic. Still not above Dandruff, though.

19 is finished. finishing a rock climbing route. Yeah, that would definitely go a lot higher. Yeah, at the very least, better than an umbrella. And definitely better than Cologne, which you actively hate. Yeah, for sure. And last, your favorite thing, porno videos. Right. Porno video would also probably need to go maybe above volunteerism. I don't know. That's another good one for your substack. What's better? Porn or volunteerism? That's actually really interesting. All right. I think that was good. We learned a lot about you, your bladder, and whether or not you still rock climbing use hot sauce. Yeah, that was good stuff. Thanks, man. A lot's changed since your first birthday picture. That's right. Did you pull it up? No. But my pitch for your birthday picture is to finish it with a four by four grid. Because 14 is kind of a weird number to stop at.

I see. I see. So what do I need for a four by four? 16. 7 to 42, yeah, every four years is a row, a 4 by 4. Yeah, that's definitely possible. That's definitely possible. I am just going to find that first birthday photo. It looks like it's right around here. Oh, wait, no, that was, wow, 28. That was a big one.

That looks, they really all show exactly who I am in that year. And then who's taking these photos? and how many options are you getting? And when it's time to take the photo, are you like, Jill, will you take my 40th birthday photo today? Or is it like, Jill's like, you got to take your 40th birthday photo. Come on, I'll help you frame it up.

It's a little bit. It's kind of like both. It's like leading up to it, people are like, what are you going to do for your birthday photo? They ask me. And I think about it a little bit. I'm like, oh, maybe I'll do it here. Maybe I'll do this.

And then. Do you buy clothes or a Kuchramont for it? Like, I want my bike. I want this shirt. I want these shoes. No. I was just like, I think this year I was like, I actually took a different birthday photo with Micah that morning at the beach when we went surfing.

And he got cut. I was after dinner, I was like, you know what? This feels more like who I am just in the yard. And then I saw the bike with the baby seat. I was like, oh, I should just do it right in front of the bike with the baby seat. Because that bike has actually featured when I was 34, 35. Same bike. Just no baby seat.

Same bike, no babysit. And Gemma was in it last year. That's right. No, wait, wasn't it two years ago? No, maybe it was last year. No. Gemma was in it when I was 38. Yeah, Gemma was in it when I was 38.

Last year was after a bike ride in Nantucket. So the bike has featured more heavily than the daughter, for sure. There's been more bikes than Gemma, though this year was a double feature. It was an homage, a nod to Gemma and the bike. Is she in that babysit ever? that was actually a birthday present so my family gave that to me in Nantucket. We put it on the bike and she wrote in it twice.

Scary. Seems scary. I don't know if I would like that. She fucking loved it. Yeah, of course. I was a little scared. Any slight fall is a very serious injury. The stakes are super high.

So like, it's a weird little moment where you're like, she wants to do it. You're like encouraging. Like, yeah, this is awesome, right, babe? Because you don't want her to be scared. You're like, this is fun. Are you ready? And then you hop on.

You're like, oh, my God. I ride my bike all the time in way more dangerous situations. But now I'm just going to go straight around a circle. Yeah. But if I slip, I'll maim my daughter. All right. Would you do it in New York? No, no way.

Never. It's crazy. You go to like Amsterdam and it's like three kids on a bike and like a crowded street with cars whizzing by. And people do it. And people do it in New York all the time. I see them in my neighborhood. I just, I feel like I ride my bike too much and almost get hit all the time to feel like it's, it's a good idea. Are there little helmets and elbow pads for Gemma?

She has a little helmet, no elbow pads or anything. I'm sure they exist. We just didn't do it, yeah. That's really cute, actually, now that I think about it. It's fucking adorable, yeah. A tiny helmet, size of an ice cream bowl at Dodgers Stadium. Her cute little head. All right. That was it. That was our segments for today is actually just one segment, which, you know, sometimes we say that we'll do is just one long segment.

Yeah, dude. One big, beautiful segment. And if you want more, there's us trying to do crossword puzzles on our Patreon now. That's right. That's right. You're still trying to crack that Monday pause. Yeah. And that's a video too, so you can watch those as well. Yeah. And if you want to get 50% off, $5 is too rich for your blood to $10.000. test out the waters, then you can always use our coupon code segment to get 50% off on our Patreon.com. Good stuff. Patreon.com slash JA.

Boom. And we'll be back next week. We can say that three more times. That's right. Thanks for listening, everybody. Bye, everyone. That was a Hidgum Original.