Segments - 92: Cookies

Episode Date: August 4, 2014

In this episode we discuss texting girls, swiping guys, and renting cars. This episode is brought to you by SlugBooks.com and Harrys.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money i got money get the five dollar meal deal today prices and participation may vary for a limited time only bugbooks.com because class is almost back in session that That is correct. You losers marching back to school, reading books like a bunch of nerds. Teach me. Teach me.

I like college. I like school. It actually is pretty important. Oh, check out this rhyme. I like college. I like school. I like knowledge because it's cool. This is you protesting to nobody.

I like college. I like college i like school i like knowledge knowledge is cool go to hell uh guys the college bookstore for those of you in college you know that the college bookstore it's not a good deal textbooks are ridiculously expensive you go there you look and it's like 200 for for a textbook. Tell you what, dude, that's why I dropped out of college. No, it's not. Okay. No, no, no. Well, I also had a learning problem.

Yeah. And I like to party. Yeah. And I didn't believe in myself. My problem is that I don't like to learn. And I was lonely and sad there. So yeah, and I don't think the expensive books helped. No, no, no. Do you think they helped?

No. They were a hindrance. So what's the alternative? We'll tell you what it is. It's slugbooks, slugbooks, slugbooks.com. Just one slugbooks. Oh, yeah. I should specify that. Slugbooks.com. It compares the prices of all the cheapest sites online so that you can save the most money.

How does it work, Jake? Easy. How? Okay. Well, it's simple, Amir. First, you find the ISBN numbers of the books you need at your college, professor, or bookstore's website and search for that number on Slugbooks. You'll be comparing the exact same book as the ones your class requires across a ton of sites. It's that easy, boys and girls. If you go to slugbooks.com slash Jake or

slugbooks.com slash Amir, you can save money on textbooks and you get to see a little cool cartoon of me or of Jake. Cool cartoon. Remember they made those, they turned us into little animated books. Yes. Little cartoon books. I remember it. So those are cute. I said I did.

Those are fun. Those are fun. Don't keep reminding me of shit. I didn't constantly. If anything, I was just reminding the audience. You were like, remember that? And I was like, yeah. Do you't constantly. When I'm like, you're always like. If anything, I was just reminding the audience. You were like, remember that? And I was like, yeah. And you were like, do you remember that?

And I was like, yeah. No, I only said it once. Do you remember that? No, no, no. I only said it once. You know how you did that? And it's like, dude, I was there. You don't have to remind me, especially five or six, maybe even half a dozen times just now.

You have a bad attitude. So if the textbooks are selling your books for $200, $250, $300, you might be able to find it for only $10 online. Don't be an idiot. Don't drop out of college just because the books are expensive. Yeah. Instead, just go to slugbooks.com slash Amir. Or slash Jake. Yeah.

Check them out, guys. It's just an easy way to save money if you're in school now uh about this episode well what a roller coaster it was we answered questions we we talked to each other we even did some riffs and bits some skits and sketches we did it was just like a fun little what seemed to be seven and a half hours, but was actually closer to nine. Wow. Yeah.

No, no. No, it was a little long, but not that long. We still have shows, tickets available for our shows in London, September 8th, right? That's correct. Monday, September 8th.

And we'll put that link on our website. Please come check it out. There's a live podcast and a live show. Let's get started. Things get real. Bye. Jews who have the time to listen to you whine About laughing at everything a lad wants

This is one of those advice podcast shows But funny to the bone, no doubt about it. Sometimes I need to seize the cheese. Sometimes I'm worried that I've beefed. If it all just gets too much You can kill yourself in a Starbucks Now you know what I'd do If I were you We're gonna stop it right there. Wow.

There's a second verse. I didn't want it to go on for too long, so I'm gonna play the rest of it at the end. A teaser, a cliffhanger. Stick around. You can hear the end of that song. end. A teaser, a cliffhanger. Stick around. You can hear the end of that song. That was awesome, right? It was by Ben Flowers.

Ben Flowers. I legit think he's better than Green Day. Yeah. Is it crazy to say that? It's like what you said. If you can do an impression of a great, great singer, are you a great singer? That's what you said, right? Yeah.

Or is it what you said? I thought it was what you said. Oh, okay. If you could do a Freddie Mercury impression mercury impression yeah you're a good singer right to do like a musical impression i feel like it's so much better than an actual impression yeah because it's like talent plus also you can sound like him do you remember learning about that or seeing that video for the first time in like 1995 the green day one yeah? Yeah, the basket case. Yeah, I was like, oh my God, my mom cannot know I'm watching this.

This is about, there's a line about jerking it, I think. There's like that line, I went to a whore, he said my life's a bore. I'm like, whoa, wait, wait. Isn't it funny to think that our 18-year-old fans were born after that song came out? It's crazy. you want to feel old billy joel billy joel armstrong billy joel armstrong yeah he's 68 billy joel's son can

you believe that they're related billy joel had a son and he named him billy joe and then his last name is joel yeah so So Billy Joel's son is Billy Joe Armstrong Joel. Holy fucking nuts. I can't believe those nuts. I can't wrap my head around that fact. Yeah. That's crazy. It is a fact.

It's a fact and it's true. Yeah. The truest part of all is that it's a fact. And vice versa. And versa versa. The fact is part of all is that it's a fact. And vice versa. And versa versa. The factest part of all. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast show on the internet hosted by me. And me.

I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. Did I already say that guy's name is Ben Flowers? You did. Okay, he deserves another one. He deserves another name. And he deserves his song to be played at the end of the podcast. I think you're being a little flowers aggrandizing today.

Really? Yeah. I'm too into it. To give him two shout outs and a book end of the podcast. I think he's good. I think he's great. I don't think he's Billy Joel's son great. No.

No. But who is except for Billy Joel Armstrong Joel. So how does this show work? Well, basically, it grows like... Well, I like what you're doing right now. Don't stop. Get it, get it. People, write in to our show.

If I reshow at gmail.com with questions, they seek our guidance and advice, and we do our best to offer it on this here podcast. See, you download it, and you can listen to it on the go. That's the best part. On the get-go. You could be in a car and listen to this show. You could be walking down the street listening to this show, riding the subway listening to this show. You could be at the gym listening to this show.

You could be pumping iron as you listen to this show. Yeah, you could just be, did we already say at the gym? You could be, like like home from a date. Your iPod's on shuffle. Press play. And then you're like hooking up with this girl. Crash is playing. Oh, yeah.

Crash into me. Yeah. Crash into me. Yeah. And then it's like seize the chain. Yeah. Seize the chain. Like, oh, wait.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I wanted to go through every situation so that when someone's

everyone listening to is like that's what I'm doing you could be washing the dishes doing a chore around the house you could be doing a chore yeah you could be driving to visit your father at his nursing home mommy hi mommy hi mom that's how mommy listens to it

when's your mom's birthday i love you mom i miss you and what about your dad hey hey dad father father how are you i hope you're well i don't know how the fuck you landed her um mom's a 10 and you're not on the goddamn scale, dad. To say you're a zero is an upsell. You're not a number. You're a pear. You're a pear-shaped dad. You're a fruit.

You're a fruit daddy. A fruit daddy and I'd say you were delicious, but that's mom. So to recap, mom's a 10. You're a moldy pear. Fuck. Mom's a 100. Mom's a 100, and you're a potato dad. A potato.

You're a spot. Mr. Potato Dad. What's that line from our video? You're a spud. Mr. Potato Dad. You're a, what's that line from our video? You're a, oh, you're a chicken parm. Yeah. That's one of my favorite jokes I ever wrote. You're a chicken parmesan. We're so funny to us.

Yeah. That's why we like us. We like us. Yeah, because we're our fans. I think you're funny because you have the exact same sense of humor as me. Yeah, and likewise. And then when we get together and do stuff, it's're our fans. I think you're funny because you have the exact same sense of humor as me. Yeah, and likewise. And then when we get together and do stuff, it's funny for me because it's like some stuff I thought of. I laugh when you talk because it's like me.

Yeah. It's like when I yell into a mirror and it's funny. Or I talk into a microphone and I listen to it later and I giggle to myself because it's funny to me. So let's start. Let's do this. Let's answer some questions. These are real emails from real people. And if you have your own emails, you can email at fiveryshow at gmail.com.

Also, if you have your own theme song, you can email that. Same, same email address. All right. What should we call this person? We want to give him a fake name to preserve his anonymity. Anonymity. What about if we call him Dallas? Dallas.

Yeah. Oh, it's going to be like cities? Oh, you don't know. You don't know. Okay. You don't know. Not capitals. Well, who knows?

Houston's the capital of Texas, isn't it? I believe it's Austin. Oh, yeah, that's right. All right. Ready? Uh-huh. Dallas writes, Hey, guys, I need your advice about whether

or not to tell on my best friend to his mom he's an orthodox jew who's been studying on how to be a pickup artist and he told me that he plans to spend the next year partying instead of attending college he says it's the last time in his life he'll get a chance to party like that i didn't want him to lie to his mom but i was okay with not getting involved until I heard that he had already lied to her about going to college the previous year. His mother said that she'll kick him out of the house if he skips college again,

and it's not like he's dropping out of college to pursue his dream of a comedy career or anything like that. He just wants to party. The school term hasn't started yet. What should I do? Sincerely, Dallas. Dallas. Of course this is a matter you

have to take into your own hands. Straight to the mommy. Yeah. This is going all the way to the top. I think this of course involves you. Yeah. I think this is not a familial order. You're implicated. I think, yeah. I think you have, i wouldn't even say a

moral a moral obligation obligation a moral right to a moral demand to what you must tattle i must tell i must tell a tattle tale i must tell a tattle on his tail yeah i don't have to tattle his tail his tail has been tattled Your friend might be rattled But I think this business has been saddled Saddled? Saddled We're confusing and offending people Because he's an Orthodox Jew

Why did he include that part? Why did we have to know that? I don't know why we had to know that. But it does make me understand him more. Yeah, maybe to sort of sense the... It paints the picture. Right, and the implications of dropping out of school and being a pickup artist.

He's definitely going to go to hell. Maybe his family has sort of an expectation for him to go to school and study the Talmud. Of course. Yes. Very good. Yes, you must. Oy.

Oy. Oh, I have no son. What are you, a pickup artist all of a sudden? Why don't you pick up a lesson? Oh, thank you. Yeah, you got to tell his mom. You have to. I think it's important that you be the person that

do it his friend you i think the hardest part will be sitting his mother down and saying i'm i'm afraid this is it's come to this i have to tattle a tale and it goes a little something like this mrs austin i think you know why i'm here why al. I've come here. Yeah. Yes, it's me, Dallas. So look, I have a piece of news that I think you're going to be happy that it's coming from me, your son's friend. It's going to shock and awe you. Your son wants to become a pickup artist. He wants to party. He's planning on not going to college.

Sounds like if he wants to party, he should go to college. Yeah, that's another thing. Where else will you party? If you want to pick up girls, if you want to... Yeah, maybe that's what he should do. College is a pretty good spot to do it. Maybe he should be like, hey, maybe you should go to college if you want to, one, talk to babes, and two, party a lot. Yeah. That's what you do in college.

That's a very, very good point. Also, how is he going to get away with lying to his parents about going to college? Yeah, that's point. How is he going to get away with lying to his parents about going to college? Yeah, the checks are getting cashed by a school that presumably knows he's never been to class. It seems like a very tough lie to get away with. I think, I'm with Amir, you talk to him first. You convince him of the merits of going to college rather than telling his mommy on him. It's so funny. Never once did he bring up the fact that he could approach his dad.

He's like, I have to tell his mommy. Is there anything you would tell my mom on me for? Oh, that's a good question. What would I tell? I guess if you had a drug problem and you weren't, like, seeking any help, I would, like, maybe email your parents and be like, hey, Jake's, like, starting to, like be like hey jake's like starting to like lose grasp of what's before that what's yeah that's fair you would probably have a conversation with

me about it so right this is after i find out that you lied to me like you would like all right like hey dude i'm doing a lot better man yeah oh really and then i go into the bathroom and i see a syringe i'm like holy shit he's well then you probably like you i feel like you would loop in my brother oh you could like call him you guys but your brother's younger than you you're not gonna listen to what he says no but like maybe like go to my parents as a unified front oh like go with your brother to your parents yeah yeah that's a good plan i would admit yeah maybe like before you go straight to mom if he's got siblings or anything or anybody closer to the family than you as just his buddy if he's actually an orthodox jew odds are he has

nine younger sisters and six older brothers all within like 11 months of him that you can go to talk to yeah perfect do that go to siblings friends first no him first then then like other friends then some siblings then mommy then mommy ultimately, if necessary, daddy. Daddy. That's after the mom's like, whatever, I don't give a shit. Right. Fuck it. Fuck it. I don't care. Weird Orthodox Jew mom.

Whatever, baby. Valley Orthodox Jew. That was my gay skeleton thing again. Gay skeleton. Theodore Leslie. I forgot all about Theodore Leslie. And his twin sister, Leslie Theodore. Who gives a shit as long as you're a pickup artist, baby?

Theodore, Leslie, you have to please stop smoking that long cigarette in the house. It's two and a half yards long. All right. Ready? Yeah. Wait, did we give this guy advice yeah to not to talk to his friend and convince him to go to school then like talk to other people not go straight to mommy and tell okay perfect we did it yeah uh all right we got a question from a lady oh who will call asia okay asia sorry i said cheyenne yeah asia okay so it's not cities it's just places is the

theme so first one's a guy named dallas and second one is this hot babe named asia yeah thank you theater leslie hey guys i'm having a big tinder problem and since jake is the one who convinced me to start using it in the first place, I thought you guys could give me some advice. So I got out of a really long relationship about a year ago, and I have dated a little bit since, but largely enjoyed being single. I started using Tinder a little bit ago, and I met this guy I really like. We've been hanging out a lot the last month or so, and I think we have a really good connection. The problem is, I'm still using Tinder, and every time I have a match that's super good looking and seems like someone I'd like, I wonder if I should be getting any kind of serious with the guy I've been seeing. I feel like I'm missing out on so many hot guys. Maybe I'm just

not ready for a relationship, or is it too early for me to be thinking that we're getting serious? He seems kind of obsessed with me in a good way. Also, the sex is really great. I don't want to lose that. I don't know what to do. Can you help me out? Love, Asia. Ooh, Asia.

That is quite a dilemma. I'd like to hear what you think. Well, she's suffering from what is the major problem with online dating in general is that it's so hard to choose one because you know in your pocket is a million others yeah and whether or not they're as good as this what like even though you might have found the greatest one would you rather have two through ten right so like maybe it's a quantity thing not a quality thing that's true so it seems to me like she if she's still like if it was really an awesome guy she would not feel inclined to tinder as much that's true

maybe she doesn't even think he's number one yeah i think i could equate it to like a big bucket of cookies right oh i love it so far fresh bucket bucket of cookies you're like oh my god all these look good you dig you dip your hand in yeah you're like okay this one's this oh wait that one's a little bigger oh this one's a little more golden oh this one actually doesn't have as many chocolate chips as i thought okay so it's like sort of you are in that dating pool you have like this cookie looks really good i want to eat this cookie but like what's the deal with this cookie and there's like i see a quarter of a cookie down there that might be good. Yeah, might as well try.

Yeah, you just want to be trying all these cookies. And if this dude was so super great, then he would just be a big-ass cookie sitting right on the top, and you would know for sure. Yeah, and you would get like full off of it, and you wouldn't even want any other cookies because you'd be sick of cookies. You'd be craving milk at this point. So if you're not drinking milk, then you should be eating cookies. That's all I'm going to say. What's the milk in this metaphor? The milk was...

His semen. Tell you what. Yeah, it's his seed. Speaking of seeds, if you... Okay, actually, here's another good metaphor for you. We're planting a garden. All right, yeah, we're planting a garden here. And if you don't want to till the soil, then you don't

get to eat the salad. And it's and hey, when it rains, it pours. So let me tell you what. What goes better than a salad than a tall glass of milk? Oh, yummy, yummy, yummy. His seed is everywhere. And if that salad was delicious, it's time for dessert. Here comes a cookie jar. Don't get your hand caught in the

cookie jar. And I need you to I need you to, like, breathe. breathe i am breathing and i'm breathing i'm nervous about what about the metaphor not going where i thought it was gonna go i thought it was gonna be totally sound and then it's well i was imagining you know those like uh uh metal tins of Danish butter cookies? Those guys have a monopoly on cookie tins. The pretzel one with sugar on top. The round one. The round sandy one. Yeah.

The sort of disc-shaped. Yeah. Are they Swedish or Danish? Danish, I don't know. The one that looks like a swirl, like it was pumped out of a puff pastry cone? Yeah. What other ones are in there? There's one with a weird raisin in it. The little raspberry thing? Yeah. We don't need that one. It looks like a puff pastry cone. Yeah. What other ones are in there? There's like the one with like a weird raisin in it.

The little raspberry thing? Yeah. We don't need that one. It looks like a hummintaschen. I say we go straight to the sugar pretzels. Give me a tin, a red or blue tin filled with a sugar pretzel. Give me a monopoly on those tins, dude. How much money do we have to, like how much of our like, our assets do we have to liquidate

to just even compete with them at this point? To take down this Danish cookie conglomerate. Monopolies are illegal. Are monopolies illegal? It is. Are they illegal? It is illegal. It's not only a monopoly.

It might even be an oligopoly. Yeah. It's a monopoly, a monastery, a monarchy, and a little bit of a monocle. Yeah. I think this is the most we've deviated into gibberish. They're illegal and coy. This Danish cookie mafia.

Just fucking open your eyes, people. It's the same shit. They put a hit out on the gingerbread man. I swear to God they did. They could fit only three in, but then they layer. And the little wax paper that they use you gotta believe they're playing they're they're in bed with somebody at the table for that that's not okay that's not free that's money that's they're skimming off the top and i wouldn't be surprised if it's blood money why

you ever heard of a blood diamond sure you ever heard of a blood diamond? Sure. You ever heard of a blood diamond? Of course. Well, tell me this. Have you ever heard of a blood cookie? No, never. That doesn't make sense. Why would I have heard of that?

Welcome to the future, my friend. Or what? These cookies were retained using means that were violent, sometimes fatal. And a little bit coy. And very coy. This is what we get for recording a podcast at 4 a.m. We are just loopy. 4 a.m. England time, but still.

So what should this girl do? You got to. Would you say don't delay or play or hate? Because you know you could always go on Ricky Lake. The world needs one of you is what I was saying. She is pretty fly for a white guy. What would you say? What is your advice to this girl who wants to keep sampling?

To that I say, toda. To that I say, all right, all right, all right. To that I say, just keep swiping. You say keep swiping, go for it. Keep swiping on the Tinder because your mind ain't made up, girl. And you know what? Maybe you just need a couple more dates under your belt before you're like, all right, this guy is dope. You know what it is?

I feel like I'm sort of in the same place. She just got out of a really long relationship about a year ago. Same with me. And I don't know if there's – when you're in a long relationship and you get out of it, you feel such joy to be independent. And it's not just being able to hook up it's also just like doing whatever you want like it's very liberating uh to be the master of your own schedule yeah so maybe that's what she has going for her and she doesn't want to give that up just yet well it sounds like she's already with somebody who's obsessed with her she says says obsessed in a good way. Right.

But I don't know. That's a dangerous thing to me. I don't really view being single as being a master of my own schedule. I'm inundated with people who want to hang out and see me. Right. And that's like, oh, my God, I'm a little stressed out. But you get to choose who you hang out with. I guess that's true. You get to choose everything about yourself.

Yeah, that's true. When you're in a relationship, for better or for worse, usually it's worth because you want to choose everything about yourself yeah that's true when you're in relationship for better for worse usually it's like it's worth you know because you want to set a schedule with somebody else they want to do stuff you want to do stuff but it's just not all entire you if it were entirely you then the relationship would be bad right so you're sort of at the whim a little bit of somebody else's schedule like hey i want to do this what's your opinion on it right matters and when you're just like very casual like hey i'm gonna do this yeah i'm gonna do whatever i want that's true uh yeah i guess i think for me anyway when whenever i've known i've like known there was never ever like uh oh should i be doing this is this normal so like should i

take this step in this relationship it's always like beyond my control right so if it's in my opinion i don't know if i'm ever right because i think i'm actually really stupid but i but if you follow your heart it sounds like your heart's confused yeah i would just be like you know what if i'm like if i have doubts then that's the answer even if the sex is really great? You can find great sex anywhere. Oh, toda. Ain't that hard, baby.

Ain't that hard. Hey, call me. Call me. Call me. Yes, I will maybe agree with you. I feel like we're on the same page of just keep swiping. Just keep swiping. You're not ready to be in a relationship yet.

And that's okay, too. That's okay. That's beautiful. And that's life. And like, uh-oh, you're going to die alone because of it. But hey, at least you got the swipe for an extra six months. That's worth it. On your deathbed, what's your last words?

Oh, let me just match one more match thank god i didn't settle for the guy that i loved that was obsessed with me in a good way you fucked up by listening to us is what we're trying to say so yeah you could be listening to this podcast riding the train you could be listening to it washing dishes and you could be on your deathbed on your phone swiping on tinder who do you think is our oldest person who's listened to every episode of this podcast not who it is it but what would you say that person's age is age is and let us if you're if you're sort of in that age range and you've listened to every single episode email us and let us know uh oldest person who's listened to every single episode yeah i got a good guess it better

okay so you want to say it at the same time? One, two, three, and then say our guess? One, two, three, 60. 42. 60? Yeah. That's old. I know.

I'm filled with regret. 60 and is not even like... Doesn't know us or is related to us. Yeah, my mom's not 60, if that's what you suggested. It's not a bad thing. I know it's not a bad thing, but it's... That's what... See, I had a theory that it might be my mom,

and then I didn't want to say her. Because I didn't want her to be sitting in the car and think that I thought that she's the oldest person. All right, so 42. If you're older than 42, you've listened to every episode. Let me know. Prove me wrong, people. Prove me wrong, people. Prove me wrong.

What a boring experiment. Yeah. Boring for everyone but me, which is the point of the podcast, right? Right. Entertain only me. Fair enough. All right. Third question? Yes. Third question. Let's call this person of the moon. I guess the theme is that

they're getting further away. Here's a funny story real quick. I remember in sixth grade, we had to take placement exams to get into seventh grade private schools. And I, there was the essay question for it was, if you can go anywhere in the world,

where would you go and why? And I chose the moon. And then I left. I'm like, holy shit. you can go anywhere in the world where would you go and why and i chose the moon and then i left i'm like holy shit the moon's not in the world i flunked it and i think i did not do great on it you can go anywhere on earth where would you go and i chose literally one of the few places you could go off earth no I chose literally the only place you can go, not the Earth. That's the only place you can go, right? You're either on the Earth. So my options were every single thing on Earth

or one thing that's not on Earth. And I said the moon. Well, there's plenty of things that aren't on Earth. But you couldn't go there. Yeah, we've never traveled any of the other places. I chose the one place not on Earth that you can go to. It's in Earth's orbit.

No wonder I never went to Harvard fucking Westlake. Mom, you were right. Oh, jeez. What, dude? You did go to Harvard Westlake. No, I actually didn't get in. Isn't it funny to imagine interviewing 12-year-olds to see if they can get into your school?

Jeez, kids shouldn't have to deal with rejection that early. Yeah, and yet here I am. Anyway, let's get started. This is why you like Tinder. Okay. Long-time listener, second-time emailer. Anywho, before I start the problem, let me give you some background info. A guy moved into my neighborhood one grade lower than me.

We talked a few times. I've never worked up the courage to ask for her number. Okay, so here's the problem. I got this very attractive girl's number by asking her friend and started texting her. It was going pretty well. We were talking about basic stuff, how's your summer, how's school, etc. Then she said ha-ha to something I said, so I said yeah, back. She never responded. It's been about three days. I really want to text her back and maybe get her to realize that I'm a pretty good guy, but I can't help but feel that she'll think I'm weird for texting her out of the blue and stuff.

What should I do? Text her out of the blue and hope she doesn't think it's weird? Or wait for her to text me? Jake, I know you're a texting wizard and the pinch of course but amir your advice would also be uh helpful thanks the moon um she said he said ha she he made a joke she said ha ha he said yeah and then there's nothing i mean you're done dude that's it what do you say you can't come back from yeah yeah she's like haha yeah i mean that's conversation killer yeah relationship killer that's it we all know sometimes it's a little hard for me to text with my claws lately but uh but i can tell you i could use my two pinching claws and text better than that haha yeah you're disappointed

I'm bummed this guy can rebound from yeah it's not even her yeah she said haha he said yeah he's overthinking it it's like you're worried about texting her out of the blue which you did

in the first place without even speaking to her you just got her number passively from somebody texting her texting her out of the blue which you did in the first place yeah you already texted without even speaking to her you just got her number passively from somebody and started texting her then you made a joke which she laughed at and then you stopped and now you're worried about texting her it sounds like you opened up a texting relationship with her you made a joke it went over fine but this is a good little bit of advice maybe like like a comedian you always end on the joke so you make a joke she says haha don't respond then two days later you feel a little bit better being able to respond because you didn't end the conversation

yeah try not to end it with like also like you didn't ask a question or anything like that she couldn't have responded to yeah yeah so basically the conversation was pretty much over and then you put a boring period at the end exactly you didn't need to say anything it's always good to not be the last one that texts that's a little bit of advice yeah that's your theory i don't actually subscribe to that same exact i subscribe to that theory i know you do because then Because then it's like, oh, I'm not constantly being the one that texts. That initiates. Oh, she said something and I didn't respond. I have the world's smallest upper hand.

See, I wonder if this is just indicative of our... I like to give the last text because that way it's like I've passed the ball. I'm waiting on her text right but i wouldn't well yeah so you you are like i think it's insecure so you'll be like all right she said something i'm not gonna respond because i know i'm gonna want to text her later yeah and she might not text me right so i'm saying i'll respond last right i know she's gonna text me but what if she doesn't? Then you have to text twice in a row.

Oh, wait. It's never going to happen, bro. Thank you. But if you end it with their text as last, I feel like that gives you a small emotional and mental edge. Oh, why didn't he respond to me?

Why did the conversation end on my last text message? It's infinitely small. But it is there. Microscopically small. It is still a slight advantage. I'll admit that it's there. I'll admit that. But I'll also do you one better and tell you that I don't fucking need it.

But let's say a girl says ha-ha to your joke. I would say, damn right. Yeah, indeed. A plus, brother. If I'm in a joke and a girl just said, ha ha, I don't think, I mean, I think yeah is a pretty dumb response. Let me be clear about that. Yeah, yeah is bad because you're just saying, yeah, it is funny. Like, I would have said something.

Imagine a girl laughed at your joke in real life and you go, yeah. Oh, yeah. Every text I send is better than that i do that a lot in real life when i get a laugh in a room i will leave oh yeah i land on a high note it's true i'm with and that can be the same thing in the digital i'm like i also wouldn't say something have people laugh and walk out silently i like to end on like a one-liner that wraps everything up really oh like a nice like a nice conclusion. All right, yeah. Well, good luck with this thing that you just mentioned. In summation.

Yeah. So like a comfortable little joke about something that they mentioned to me that they wouldn't know that I would necessarily remember. Yeah, but since I picked up on that, I'm one, perceptive, and two, thoughtful enough to actually remember a little minutia about their lives. That's right. So this guy, feel free to go for that second text

of course two days later yeah you can send the second text you're fine geronifield yeah if you get if you can come up with something something does it have to reference the old conversation or can it just be out of the blue sexer yo you really did like that joke the ha ha shit or was that like a polite shit was that a courtesy ha ha? That wasn't you being bullshit, right? Yeah, go for it. It's been two days. You've played it cool. But my suggestion

is to not end the next conversation. Jake doesn't subscribe to that theory. No. That's fine. Why would he fucking... Sorry.

Listen to anything I have to say. All right. Jesus. What? Jesus. Dude. No, it's just anything I have to say. All right. Jesus. What? Jesus. Dude. No, it's just a lot of small shit. All right.

No, it doesn't seem like it's a lot of small shit. It seems like it's one shit. It's one shit and it's the text shit. It really is the text shit. The subscribe to my theory shit. Yeah, I want you to subscribe. Yeah. Theodore Leslie, ladies and gentlemen.

I don't subscribe to that magazine. There should be a magazine called Theory. Although I subscribe to that theory of an actual phrase, or is that just one that you said? I believe so. I subscribe to that ideology. Ideology? Ideology.

No, whatever. It's break time. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o! DraftKings. The NFL episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats.

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Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive,

drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all in one, first stop, one stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah.

How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters.

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Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Now, we just got back from Montreal. Montreal kept it. We kept it real. We did.

It was a fun time. Montreal was Montreux. But you had a tough time getting there, from what I understand. I would like to take this opportunity to say, Harry's is a wonderful company. And now let's do the opposite of an ad. This is going to be me doing some slander. This is a Monday afternoon night blast. This is a, yeah.

I'm putting budget on blast right now. This is a full-on night blast. This is a... Yeah. I'm putting budget on blast right now. This is a full-on budget blast. You're naming names. Do you remember when... You're okay naming names. I'll name names. Budget... This is a budget blast.

Yeah. What was it? Kevin Smith put Southwest on blast. Oh, yeah. You don't want to mess with people who have social media followers. Yeah. I'm trying to put... I'm trying to...

Did you let them know that you had a podcast i really didn't i should have i should have i assure you sir i have a podcast i should have just showed him my twitter followers or yours and like this is my friend and he's gonna be outraged he's gonna tweet so what happened when you went to budget which is what what people call stuff that's bad. You say that's budget. Yeah. So it was bad. I went to budget. You chose it because it was the cheapest option.

Yes. I rented a car, a nice intermediate sedan. Oh, beautiful. Dodge Avenger or similar, which I was looking forward to driving up to Montreal. Or similar. Or similar. And as I was leaving, I realized that I was going to be early for my reservation. As you were leaving your apartment to get to budget.

Yes. So my reservation is for 3 p.m. And I say, oh, I'd like to pick the car up at 1.30 actually. So I gave them a call. I said, is it possible? And we were speaking on the phone, the national budget hotline. Yeah. They said, yeah, your new quote would be X. It was $10 more expensive than my original one.

X plus 10. Yeah. So it was like X plus 10. And I said, all right, great. Can I just do, is this just something I can take care of at the store? And they were like, yeah, go for it. So I went to the store.

I met an employee. I won't name names, but his name was ****. So I went to speak with i told i told him um that i was there early for my pickup and he said oh we don't have we don't have your car but we can upgrade you to this other model it's usually 40 but i can do it for 20 and i said 20 a day and he said yeah and i was taking this car for 10 days so I said that's a that's a lot of money and he said oh yeah and I was like okay well it was only $10 to make my reservation earlier why don't I just do that and he was like you can't do that and I was like I was on the phone with them and they said I could so I went and I called the number back changed the

reservation this time it was a little frustrating because it was $30 more expensive when you with them and they said i could so i went and i called the number back changed the reservation this time it was a little frustrating because it was 30 more expensive when you called so when you call back you call like the national budget right hotline not the specific branch right not this branch because actually when i originally called that branch uh nobody picked up so so they said it's 30 and i was like fuck this is really getting away from me now i want the car so i said okay yeah i'll do it and i went back i told him all right my new time is uh 1 30 or by that point it was 145 it's like it's 145 so i'm here it's 145 the car and he said all right well it takes 45 minutes to get the car i was like so at that point it's going to be 230 and you just maybe spend

40 at least maybe spend 30 extra dollars per day per no just you know the one time to get the but like to get the car right then and there right it's like yeah it takes 45 minutes for the car to get here but that upgrade is here right now he's like trying to get me to take that upgrade the upsell how much is the upgrade 20 a day oh 200 total yeah so i'm like no i'm not gonna do that so i sat down i was gonna wait to get this car and then people start walking in and they're like he's like oh um yeah your car's not available but we can upgrade you and i was like what did they upgrade from is like is that cannot does that mean an intermediate's available now can i downgrade he's like no you can only upgrade so these people upgraded from like whatever to a full-size car and then somebody else came in

he's like oh you're actually uh an hour late for your reservation we don't have your car it's uh so we have to upgrade you to a mini suv and i was like this is a scam this is me shouting to everybody in budget this is me yelling at me and him talking to each other and then there's just like five other people in there feeling very uncomfortable unfortunately though for because i was just like an asshole yelling at him saying it was a scam so everybody is like oh yeah no i'll take the suv it's 50 extra days like yeah that's fine thank you so much this is great thank you so much like don't you see what they do and i was like what what is everybody else driving what are the cars available right now he's like we don't have your car and so then i'm still sitting still sitting i go up there

223 uh-huh i say like uh can we like get started with the paperwork whatever he's like uh no your car's not here and i said it's not here but in seven minutes it will be here at exactly 45 minutes after you told me. He's like, yeah, I really think, I think in seven minutes it'll be here. Me and him are just like straight up smiling at each other now. It's like,

you're just like playing some sort of weird game of poker. Yeah. We were totally unwilling to budge. Both of us were like sort of getting a kick out of like just tormenting each other. So you're, you're, you were, uh,

you were convinced of yourself that that car was already there yeah or that it was never even coming because finally at 2 30 i went up and he's like all right let's get started on your paperwork and good news uh we're gonna we are gonna give you an upgrade and i was like and i'm not paying for it he's like nope uh we're giving you a full size standard car and i just came out and i i said to the to the uh guy that worked in the garage like where did this car come from where is this where are where do you keep the fucking car sir i don't work here i just came in here for a glass of water midway during this waiting game with i went out to the garage guy too and i was like what cars do you have in the basement he's like he he knows in there i was like i don't trust that guy.

So what do you think the scam is? And they just shrug. They won't tell you. I think the scam is that they hold all the cards. So if you show up early for your car, then they don't have your car. If you show up late for your car, they don't have your car. If you show up right on time for your car, they also don't have your car. But then they'll give you your car for free.

So why do they never have your car? Because they'll give you your car for for free so why do they never have your car because they know people are desperate they want their cars i think they also know a lot of the time that people's companies are paying for them so like i even though college humor was paying for this car i was like out of principle i didn't want right to get out so if you show up early they're like oh we'll charge you a little more if you want it now if you show up like oh yeah well your car's not here but if you want a car right now you can take this upgrade it's it's 15 a day right or you can wait for 45 minutes and you're like i'll wait oh i'll wait oh i'll wait a whole day oh jude i'll wait at one point i was like do you guys

have a bathroom he's like no this is like an episode of seinfeld that seems like just like george just like so stubborn be like i'm not going anywhere yeah he like camps there overnight it really was i was just it was a waiting game just staring right at him and i was also like a bunch of the time i was just like on the phone with the national budget thing too like what cars do you guys have i was googling place other places to uh i asked him for his name at one point oh it was great i feel like i've also been messed up by choosing the cheapest option and like it really just helps to just like go for the the medium option because they're not as mean totally because you know what they do the

cheapest option it's like that's their cheap estimate but when you get there they try to upsell you on like literally everything and then there's also a lot of like hidden fees so like if you're even 45 minutes or if you're an hour late to returning the car, they charge you a full extra day. So like if your day rate is 50 bucks, then like you're an hour late, it's another 50. So you might as well keep it for another 23 hours. It's just all that like, so they find ways to, they devise ways to make you pay as much as like the more expensive places are. They're just, they're just craftier to make it seem like it's the cheapest option online car rental places i

believe are evil all of them in a way in the same way that airlines are like where you don't understand like the inner workings of that you know what it is it's it's that thing we were talking about earlier it's a monopoly where it's just like there's only four of them well i guess it's whatever an oligopoly or whatever it is and there's three or four though i think we can we can set up the rules however we want like what are you gonna do each other too yeah they're all like they're all the same people like national is also budget is also this is also that national budget and hertz were just all in this thing they're all using the same cars all right and is just fucking god i think there is a seinfeld about it he like goes to pick up the car and he's like oh no we

don't have it he's like but i made a reservation he's like yeah i mean that's just a reservation and he's like well then anyone can just make a reservation the hard part is to hold the reservation so rental cars were still bad in the early 90s they've always been bad what didn't what needs to happen is like aBlue slash Virgin America, like a new person being like, all right, the system's broken.

Right. Something where I don't have to like go in, hand them my license, my credit card, give them like so much. This thing, my contract printed out

on like a 1980s printer like, oh yeah. And it was fucking perforated jude tore the perforated edges off of that thing for me like it this whole thing should be it should be an app i should be able to get a i should be able to get a qrc code that starts the car oh that's cool oh that's what zip car is that's what it is this is a long if they had a zip car in Montreal, then I would have gotten it. That took us to way past our bedtime.

I'm so sorry. That's okay. It was good. It was nice. And you know what? This is a short week. So, guys, don't worry. We'll be back on Thursday.

Okay. Thanks to our sponsors like Harry's and like Slugbooks. Oh, once again, that email address, if you have your own questions, is ifireyoushow at gmail.com. And if you have your own theme songs, we still want slash need them. The opening one, which is also the closing one, was written by Ben Flowers. Let's go back to that sweet, sweet Green Day parody. See you guys thursday bye

dear j canada please don't know these fears i've got a snow show but she's bringing me down i wrote it to your show You said she had to go And now I've got a time to drive around town So if you need some sound advice You should listen to these guys They're a beast in every part And to that I say so long Hey, everybody. If I were you, sure

Archie Mel would come Hey everybody, it's Nicole Polizzi, but you may know me as Snooki from MTV's Jersey Shore. I totally feel like Snooki doesn't exist anymore, so I want you guys to get to know Nicole. Download my new podcast, Naturally Nicole, at PodcastOne.com. A lot has changed in my life with becoming a mother, getting married, losing weight, being fit. So be a part of my new, fantastic, fabulous world. Download Naturally Nicole every Tuesday at PodcastOne.com. That's PodcastONE.com. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. dot com.