Segments - 93: Weird Name

Episode Date: August 7, 2014

In this episode we discuss taking drugs and being yourself. This bonus Thursday episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com -- Delicious snacks delivered right to your home! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have

also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help.

It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each

other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters.

Yeah. Vision lifters with a a z and not where you think and it's not biz with a z so if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one build a store an online portfolio the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that coupon code segments to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain hell yeah so again you go to squarespace.com slash segments segments you save 10 off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that, if I were you, I'd listen to these guys right here, Jake and Amir. If I were you, I'd listen to If I Were You, I'd get a clue and listen to If I Were You. If I were you.

That was Kylie Knox. That was very lovely. She had a beautiful voice. What are you trying to say? That my voice sucks? God, you're sensitive. No. So let me quell your fear.

It is confirmed. Can I quell and confirm a fear at the same time? Yeah. To quell your fear. It is confirmed. Can I quell and confirm a fear at the same time? Yeah. To quell your fear. Your fear is not knowing, but it is also confirmed that you have a bad voice. And I disrespect you as a guy, not just as a singer, but as a man. I disrespect you as a guy. Yeah.

As a guy, I disrespect you. As a coworker a guy i disrespect you as a co-worker i respect you i do and as a citizen i inspect you whoa move over uh this is if i were you the only advice podcast on the interweb hosted by me alamir and i'm the. And I help from time to time. He's back. That's right. You're embracing the pinch. Some might say the pinch never left. I'm holding the microphone in an actual claw right now.

Yeah, it's sliding in and out of your claw hand. Yeah, I like the nickname so much that I decided to turn myself into a lobster crab man type of guy. I see that. Yeah, you got sunburned, I think. The tough thing was convincing a doctor to replace my limbs with that of a crustacean. Of course. Yes, of course. I see you're slowly applying an exoskeleton made out of other people's shells. I couldn't even find a surgeon to do it, so I had

to ask a vagrant, could you ask a doctor to do whatever he wants? Like, could I get my leg amputated if I wanted? No. A doctor will not do that if I paid him. Just for fun? Not for fun. If I paid him a million dollars, could I have my leg amputated?

Yeah, they'll take off your nose and replace it with a new one. Hey, I'd like a new leg. Then they chop off you're like just kidding gotcha loser you hop away blood slipping oh there goes the eye and now the magical moment where you find out if it's cracked or not and it is is it no all right, no. The pinch don't crack his phone. Ah, ass. Shit, shit, shit. So you're saying if you had all the money in the world, you couldn't pay for, quote, unquote, cosmetic surgery? Dog, if you had all the money in the world, you could do whatever the fuck you want, all right?

I got 400 bucks in my bank account, and I feel invincible. Yeah. Yeah, all you need is a little bit of scratch and you're good to go. Could a billionaire get a tail? Could a billionaire fashion a tail? I'll do you one better. Does a billionaire already have a tail? Is that why he's so rich?

I couldn't have been the first guy to think of this. Of course you are. Does a billionaire have a tail? Yeah. Who else would have thought of that? Excuse me. Any questions? You said any questions, and I do have one.

Do billionaires have tails? I meant history questions. This is a history class. Historically speaking, has a billionaire ever had a tail? Do you have any questions about the French and Indian War? Has a French billionaire ever had a tail? He has, yes. He's had a tail now do you have any questions about the french and indian war i should as a french billionaire ever had a tail he has yes he's had a tail tight yeah like i guess you can remove fat from your thigh and fashion into like some sort of uh rod a fat rod well i think i guess as long as it's not like damaging your health maybe i don't know i don't know that's

the true answer man the true answer to every question i've ever been asked is i don't know. I don't know. That's the true answer, man. The true answer to every question I've ever been asked is I don't know for sure. And also, as long as we're on the subject of what billionaires do, does a billionaire go to the dentist? Can you be at the dentist and you just have a billionaire? Or when you're that rich, does it just come to you? I think it depends, yeah. A dentist can come to you? I bet some billionaires are like, I'm humble, I'm cool, I'm going to go to my old dentist, the one I went to before I made any money. Yeah, before I only had $100 million.

Now I have $1,000 million. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure billionaires have dentists just visit them, do home visits. I think regular rich people, I don't think you have to have a billion dollars to have like a... But even if you, but like it requires like x-ray chairs specific equipment and instruments. At that point you have to come in but you probably have access to like a really,

really nice dentist. Oh. Like a really nice office. So maybe you get like a visit for the checkup. Yeah. And then he's like, oh, you know what?

I don't like the way this cavity looks. You should come into the office. No. No. Okay, well. I want to buy your office. Give me a million dollars

and we'll install something in your basement that you'll use once. Yeah, let's do that. All right, shit, you asshole. Donate some money to charity. All right. Guy's wagging his tail.

All the way to the bank. You waste money. How did you get it to be waggable? If it's just fat, what is it connected to? I twitch my tailbone. My coccyx. I shake my tail feather. That's what I do.

What is this podcast yeah i mean so far we haven't given any indication at all it's an advice podcast people in sticky situations difficult places in their lives email us at if i were you show at gmail.com we read these emails and do our best to advise them out of their terrible, terrible dilemmas. Good fucking intro, dude. Really? I really like it. Dilemmas was not on purpose. Like, I know you think I misspoke or like I can already read the tweets and stuff.

But I know that I was just trying to like sort of coolly say dilemma. That's how you say directions, too. Oh, yeah. Yeah, do you have the directions? Oh, you're saying that's how I say it? Yeah, that's how you say it. Oh, instead of directions? Yeah. I say dilemma. That's how you say directions, too. Oh, yeah. Yeah, do you have the directions? Oh, you're saying that's how I say it? Yeah, that's how you say it. Oh, instead of directions? Yeah. I say directions. I also say Maryland, or Italian. Really? Yeah, Maryland.

I said that exact same thing this past week. I was like, they should call Maryland Maryland. Oh, really? Yeah, it's nicer. Maybe my weird accent is seeping into your subconscious. Maybe so. You is seeping into your subconscious. Maybe so. You're whispering Maryland into my ear as I sleep.

Yeah. I'll stop doing that. Yeah, you don't need to anymore. It's in there. It works. Okay. So I'll stop. I already said I would stop.

Okay. I'm not trying to put you on blast. I know. It's been a minute since you were put on blast, actually. It's been more than a minute. I have water coming out of my hair because I heard the shower dripping, so I went to turn it off, but I turned it in the wrong way, and I just soaked my entire left side of my body. And now I just still have water coming off of my...

That's comedy. Yeah. Comedy is tragedy plus time. Yeah, plus Time Magazine specifically. Actually, tragedy is time plus mad magazine imagine that that would be funny wow alfred e newman is person of the year i'm laughing thinking about it holy shit let me see that notebook you have you directed the conversation at this point just so you could make that one joke and it wasn't even good tragedy is national geographic plus cracked uh all right let's give these real people re uh fake names to preserve

their anonymity very very nice uh do we have someone uh a theme of sorts a thursday theme a bonus thursday thematic element to this oh Oh, bonus. Oh, bonus. Bonus. You know what that makes me thinking of? What? The bonus Jonas. Frankie Jonas. Yeah, all right.

Yeah. Frankie Jonas. Rights. Rights. Hey guys, I love your show and I really need your help. All right, right off the bat, so far so good. Love it. My girlfriend is a solid 11 out of 10, and recently she went to a festival. Nothing big happened, no cheating or whatever, but she did take a lot of MDMA.

Nothing un-Gucci with that, but it's how she takes it with her friends. 8 out of the 12 members of their group are male, and they're the ones who seem to buy the drugs. They give my girlfriend the drugs via their finger, which she licks clean. If you were me, would you find that to be a bit too sexual? I can't get the image out of my head. She thinks licking guys' fingers is normal, but I can't imagine any guy

getting licked by a hot girl thinking she's not into them. Am I being a silly goose? Talk me into some sense. Peace. Frankie Jonas? Is that what you said i think that's the bonus jonas all right frankie jonas that's a good question yeah it's very specifically hard yeah because it seems because it's making me hard oh shit yeah dick is so small that's it hard huh it's a fucking double a full mask yeah yeah like because my as you're reading

my reaction is like oh you idiots she it's it's so small but then like yeah a hot girl licking mdma off a guy's fingers like not nothing i guess it's not it's so weird though because like how upset can you like what she says She says it's no big deal? Yeah, she's like, why is it a big deal that I take drugs? This is how everyone takes them. It doesn't mean that I love you any less. Oh, is he candy dipping? Is that what it is?

I don't know, man. She's licking them off a finger. Well, it's a difference. If it's a tab and he just puts a pill on his finger and he's sexy, like, oh, lick lick this off if it's candy dipping like you almost have to lick his finger yeah but she could use her own finger i think the way you have to do it is that like the guy wets his dick right and he dips his dick into the the sugar that'll get you rolling yeah and that's how you really roll as a goof i sort of insert the the drug penis and vaginally That way it hits your bloodstream the fastest. That's true.

And it gives you a yeast infection. It hitches a ride on an old sperm, sperm trains mobile, and then it just goes right into you. And then as soon as it hits your uterus, that's when you start rolling the most. You're talking about a high school girl at a rave, buddy. Buddy.

You're puking. Shit, I'm so sorry. Here, give me give me your finger no let's see how sexual it is you want to lick it yeah give me your finger it's disgusting no it's not i wouldn't lick my own finger let me see your finger no are you serious what it's me doing the licking. Stick it out. And then you'll tell me if it felt sexual. Which finger? Your index finger. Get off me, dude.

You really won't let me do it. What, you're going to lick my own index finger? Yeah. You don't know what I've been touching. I turned the shower handle. That's the cleanest place you can touch. All right. I would say, I wonder how she did it.

All right. I'm going to do it. We can wonder without doing it. No, yeah, I'm going to do it. Look, I'm wondering right now. I'm not sucking on your finger. Well, I'm going to show you the two ways she could have done it. One of which was innocuous.

The other which is sexual. Give me your penis. I mean, your hand. Pinky. Finger. Give me your penis. I mean your hand. Pinky. Finger. Penis. Dick. Yeah.

All right. Oh, okay. So what you just did was... Oh, it was disgusting! That one was like using my finger almost like as a swab, like you're cleaning your tongue. Yeah, it was like a stamp. Yeah, you're scraping the pad of my index finger against the top of the other one i'd actually to be perfectly honest i'm a little disgusted myself for doing the first one yeah um especially because you're a little sick right now

yeah i'm a little sick it's also just a little strange that we're alone we're both shirtless wearing matching sweatshorts somebody just like oh wait hey i know those guys there's a oh oh dear god okay yeah so that was one way to do it microphones not plugged into anything uh i think you i guess i would like clarification as i would be like lick my finger the way you licked his yeah and what if she's like no that's fucking gross actually no it's so gross i would never do that to you we're not there yet uh yeah like no because i'm not too numb by you i i think i guess maybe i'd be more like disconcerted by the actual like you know the big picture thing like that she went to this rave without you wanted to take drugs and like ingested them in a sexy way it's like a lot of half things like going to a concert with eight guy friends

isn't necessarily bad doing drugs without you isn't necessarily bad sucking on a finger isn't necessarily bad i would say that's maybe a little necessarily bad but the whole thing together like it starts to add up like three third discretions makes one whole right and the other thing i've always said about relationships it's like it doesn't really necessarily matter if you're right or wrong if you like have these feelings and you're upset and anxious and sad and you express that to somebody and they're not responsive at least yeah just like i'm sorry that you feel bad. And like, you know what? It didn't mean anything to me, but going forward, I'll act differently. Right.

Because it can't be important to her that she keeps licking guys' fingers. Right. Unless it's like a trust thing. Like, don't you trust me? I guess you'd be like, yeah, I trust that you won't lick anybody else's hands. I don't think it's a big ask. I don't think it's a big ask, is what I'll say. I don't, I'm a big ask i don't think it's a big ask is what i'll say i don't i'm

not sure how i'd react but i think if if it upsets you and you're like don't do this again and she's like i i'm not making any promises then it's a it's such a wow it's so weird because what do you break up over it no but you also it's like kind of hard to move past if you're like i don't want you to do that again she's like no i might i'm like ah now what else are you gonna do darn it uh what would you do if that happened to you um you have a lady friend she goes to a concert with a bunch of her dudes she takes ecstasy which makes you already feel very like open and sexually provocative right there is a sexual element to it i don't know about sexual maybe so i think it's well it's beyond sexual at least when i've done it it's like it's complete euphoria and you just are in love with everything right drugs are bad

but it's like the most amazing feeling but drugs are bad but it's like whoa i'm just happy yeah and you just can't attain that naturally a level of connectedness yeah more than you would like exercise never do this amazing drug they're bad right but it's like better than any hike better than any friend better than any meal you can share with a loved one imagine simultaneously coming as somebody that you that you're absolutely in love with and imagine doing that with a thousand people that you love even more than you love that person that's's ecstasy, okay, dude? Yeah.

No, that's not true. I think... But there's a downside to it. Well, yeah. One, you can overdose and die. Yeah. We should say that. Two, it releases all of your happy at once,

so the next day you're very sad, and for several days you feel off balance. And I think if you do it enough, it definitely fucks with you. think if you do it enough uh it definitely fucks with you right there was i don't do it anymore but there were like like last year i was i did it and like at a certain point i would i guess i felt like i needed it to like heighten experiences i wasn't getting as happy as i should when good things were good right oh man oh i can feel it i can feel a bigger swing i can like heighten this i get feel even happier and that's uh and

now that i'm like don't do it at all anymore it's i completely disagree with that mentality you can get you can do that just with you know your simple other pills uh yeah like if i smoke enough weed and chug whiskey i'm and i listen to like a Kendrick Lamar song I'm like fuck yeah dude gotta poop gotta dive and poop so sorry

I went on a tangent if it happened to me was that the question? if it happened to me what would you say? what would you do? I think I'd be licking the finger takes a back seat

to the idea of like going somewhere to a concert with uh eight other guys and doing ecstasy which is something it's a drug that makes you feel in love with other people right connected yeah emotionally maybe as a, I would be so conflicted because I don't want to impede anybody's good time, but I think I would probably be upset. I would vocalize that to my partner. I would say,

I feel like you had an experience without me and you licked somebody's hand and that makes me feel sad. And you can do with that information what you want i sure do hope it's you apologizing and saying you won't do ecstasy with eight other dudes go to concerts without me and lick their fingers what about you what would you do i guess

i would make it known that it also creeped me out maybe i would do the the little ones that add up to a big bad one that little spiel that way it's like all right if you want to do this again maybe uh have me there or maybe don't do the drugs or maybe when you take it you don't have to take it off someone's finger or just text me i'll come put the drugs on my finger you lick my finger and then i'll leave i'll peace out i guess we hey guys just came to put the drugs on my finger was this guy was this guy was this guy invited i wonder if he was invited and he didn't want to go or if he just lives in a different city right or like he begged to go and they said no right or she told him wait so it's just her and eight guys uh no a group of 12 but eight of them

are guys oh i see um i don't know because it's also weird to just not trust people's guy friends right you don't want to get in that scary situation right because once you start being like oh man i don't trust these eight dudes they're all trying to fuck you then you're that's like a weird self-fulfilling prophecy right because then it's like why would i want to stay with you you're just paranoid and mean yeah you're paranoid jealous i want to be with this guy who's like cool at the moment yeah yeah he's not jealous at all until you're with him and then he's insanely jealous but as of now he's down he thinks you're down to be like meddled with right he's not possessive at all yeah it's weird uh all right if it if it bothers you let her know is what we would do. Yeah.

I would say something. All right. What's another Jonas Brother name so that we can get to the second question? Geez, I don't know. The Jonas Brothers. We only know the non-singing Jonas Brothers? Frankie. I'm going to look it up. Oh, fuck.

I should know one. Lucas. Oh, no. Nick. Now that i told you one you can you know the other one nick there's two more yeah nick jonas joe jonas yes tom jonas kevin kevin all right so this one's from nick jonas nick jonas writes hey guys i have a problem that weirdly gets in the way of having a social life. My name is unusual.

I've always dreaded It's Nick fucking Jonas. I've always dreaded introducing myself to new people because merely saying my long and exotic name sounds like a bunch of sounds haphazardly thrown together to my American peers. People at my high school only see me as that foreign guy,

even though I was born and raised in the States. Even worse, I've struggled to get my D wet via my female peers. How many white girls have you met who dated people named Asir or Gabriel Salazi or Hakeem? I digress. Do you have any friends with unusual or foreign names? How do they confidently put themselves out there When a lot of people are giant assholes about it

Thanks guys, love Joe Or Nick Jonas Um Is this guy assuming that my name is normal? Wait, will you Can you just tell me his name and we'll bleep it? Uh, yeah His name is

It's like a african sounding name very funny yeah hilarious name even it's not as different as like gebra salazi which i think is a long distance runner from ethiopia or hakim although his first example is how many white girls do you know have dated people named asir? That's so close to my name. Yeah. He must know that I'm named me. And you've dated white girls? Is my name more normal?

Why does he need to date white girls? I don't know. Maybe that's the only people he's surrounded with. Does he know? Does he think my name is normal? You're getting really hung up on this. You're just as petty as he is. I want to help you, bro, but first you got to tell me I have a normal name and thus I am a normal guy.

Well, he thinks I... Who can bone whiteys. Do I get a pass because my name is Amir and not Asir? Dude, your name is Amir Shmuel. Yeah. And you make it work for you. But how? I think... He must be in high school, right?

Yeah, or early college. Like, you got to make those, that's a cool name. You make it work for you. Yeah. You have, like, something that nobody else has, a cool foreign name. That's awesome. What about a cool nickname? So, for example, when your name is Jebra Selassie, Jebra Selassie.

You nodded like you were agreeing with me, and then you took another route. I was like, it's a cool name. You gotta work for it. Be proud of yourself. And then you're nodding like, yeah. A nickname would also work. Yeah, change it. Like Ted or Ryan.

Why don't you call yourself Ryan as a nickname? Not really a nick as much as it is a completely diff. So instead of a nickname, I'm choosing a much as it is a completely diff so instead of a nickname i'm choosing a pseudo name a different name an americanized whiter name so yeah just go by your middle name go by a nickname yeah you could always do that if anything weird names are cooler right i agree yeah i think it'll put you at an advantage uh in the long run definitely especially if your name is gabriel salazi which once, I think is a distance running champion. What about Asir?

Asir, I don't know where that one comes from, but Hakeem Olajuwon. I don't think the Dream had problems hooking up with white babes. Yeah, dude. Swoosh. Yeah. Swoosh.

Swoosh. Swoosh. 20 minutes. Swoosh. Swoosh. Fuck, dude. dude no we gotta go one for making his career 11 000 jesus christ you gotta be shitting me uh cool nickname based on your name i'm not saying hide from it or i mean why not just go by the flash or laser yeah that's kind of cool as long as you're making shit up yeah laser's nice they call me rock steady cool or uh so let's say your name was gabriel selassie what would you tell people to call you gabe hakeem hack gabe and us here? Gabe. So basically, our bit of advice is to change your name to Gabe. All right.

This podcast has officially been named Gabe. The coolest name you can give something. Hey, guys. I'm Gabe. Gabe is so... I'm also Gabe. Gabe is so cool of a name, we're naming our episode after it because, you know, we can sort of choose any name we want, and we choose Gabe.

We're the Gabe Brothers. Well, when you say it like that, it sounds not like that. No, man, I'm Gabe for you, you're Gabe for me, we're Gabe for each other. We're the Gabe Brothers. We're Gabe Brothers. Yeah, and we're Gabe Brothers. There's nothing Gabe about it. We're just two men acting and being fully gay. Oh, my God.

We're children. We're children. Hey, look my finger again like that Gabe that you were doing earlier. Oh, no. Anything else to tell this dude? I think embrace it, nickname. Those are the two options. What more could there be?

Don't do drugs. Yeah. I didn't mean to make Molly sound like it was the best drug in the world. Please don't do it. Yeah. At my behest, please do never try it. That being said. Well, I'm like one of those alcoholics that comes to talk at school.

Yeah. My word means something because I live the life. I've been there. All right? I hit rock bottom. But I climbed out of the well, didn't I? Actually, you have a good story about it on Streeter's podcast, which we can plug right now, The Talk of Shame. Streeter is a podcast.

Our friend Streeter, you guys know him. If you go to talkofshameshow.com, I think, I did an episode. Jake did an episode. He's just comedians talking about their most embarrassing story. And Jake's is about MDMA. And yours is about skinny dipping. Would you say MDMA didn't have you feeling like a champion? Definitely not the next day.

There was a time where I felt like I could take on the world and perhaps win. Or at least I could have been a contender. It certainly is a dangerous delusion of grandeur. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a devil in the morning. What if you took... I'm a king at night.

Aren't there people that take it every single day? If you don't have anything left to give, all your happy juices are out, does it just not do anything? I'm sure it does. Maybe it just releases what little you have. No, they rebuild. Maybe they start to...

I don't know. I remember... You showed me, actually, once, like, an AMA about it. Oh, yeah. An AMA about an MDMA. Yeah. An MDMAMA. And you were saying there were studies where people were doing it every single day.

Yeah, like microdosing. And that it was okay. I've been, been like sort of ever since i learned about like the thing how like it like anatomically like releases happy juice like i've been noticing like throughout the day where i like get a rush of that naturally oh you feel happy juice coming to you yeah yeah i like just a surge of joy yeah of course all the time what is that how do you cause that um for me it's as simple as uh as a sunset or when a baby smiles at me all right uh when i when i look out at the ocean and i see the tide coming in and i say that's constant yeah that's forever that's unchanging

when i'm masturbating to Isis Taylor or Alexis Texas somebody with a huge ass and I squeeze my penis so hard that it ejaculates I feel the the happy juice come over my brain

and out of my body and I tell you what sometimes when I'm hiking through the mountains and I'm just coming through that green that green pass into that open pasture

and I sit down on my phone and I load xshare.com, and I look up a picture of Christina Rose or Isis Taylor again. Yeah. Somebody with a huge ass, and I sit down and I masturbate. That'll make me feel really happy. It's the simple things. It's little things. Watching a bird fly overhead seeing a dog happily wag its tail running up to its owner saying i appreciate you and you appreciate me and sometimes it's printing

out a picture of isis taylor's ass and just going to town ravaging my own cock and you know just it's happening right now squeezing my dick just you had a dog park with a printed out picture of isis taylor the first just more and more rudimentary ways to jerk off to 1991 pornography i remember my brother when i was too young to even know what porn was he was like in maybe fourth or fifth grade like he figured out how to like get nude black and white photos from the internet. And then he printed one out and like brought it to school. And it was just like a picture, a printed out photo of a woman's boobies.

Fucking magic. That's the constant ocean. That's the mountain hike. You can always masturbate folks. Yeah. We're talking about a different type of happy juice though. The one that doesn't come out of your urethra right um all right third question third question third question yeah i'm different

third question yeah i'm different uh joe jonas hey guys i've been going to this coffee shop with a friend and we've both fallen in love with one of the cute baristas. She always talks to us and draws crazy stuff on our coffees. The last time we went, I ordered the usual mocha, and she couldn't think of what to draw, so she drew me in my coffee, beard and all, with what I believe were hearts as eyes. She even offered to send me a picture of it so I could have her number. But in my nervousness, me and my friend just gave her compliments and left. I know this sounds awesome, but here's the catch.

I'm 18, and she's probably in her 20s. I'm under the impression that my beard makes me look much older, and when this seductress finds out my age, I'll be ruined. What? Should I forget all that and just ask for her number, or should I just forget it and go to college in three weeks? With love, Joe Jonas. P.S. This is the coffee.

Oh, man. That's pretty cool. We'll post this picture on our website. Yeah, that's awesome. It looks kind of like you. Yeah. What should he do? Well, he's putting all that on her right now.

You don't want to be with me because I'm 18 and you're in your 20s. She doesn't know how old you are, so you don't know how old she is, buddy. I don't know. What if she's 18? Why don't you at least find out because then you'll know. Just ask for a number. You guys are texting. You guys are chatting.

If it comes up, it comes up. If it doesn't, hey, maybe she doesn't even want to know. Maybe she thinks you might be young, but she thinks you're cute. You don't know what she's thinking. She doesn't know what you're thinking, but she drew a picture of you in the coffee, so let's exchange numbers and see if you can exchange fluids.

You know what I'm saying? Hey! He's dead. His last words were the Kanye hey for what seemed like six seconds. Oh, God, here come the crab claws. Like Jesus being lifted up to the crucifix, the claws are coming out in a T-shirt.

People still designing T-shirts? I'd like a picture of me on the cross crab clawed. Terrible picture, or terrible T-shirt, but I would like to see that art. We have talented fans. Make it happen, people. Here's the thing, dude. It is so rare in life that someone you think is cute actually flirts with you.

You've got to strike now. Especially if you're going to college in three weeks. You've got to get this positive momentum going into college. That's true. You don't know when this will ever happen again. I think that's great because you can either go out on a win or go out on a loss. Either way, you're going to feel fresh and new when you get to college right like fuck i lost that one fresh start here we go we're like fuck i went out on a high note here we go let's do it

and at the very least you have this cute photo of you drawed drawn in coffee what is this chocolate i also kind of feel like people are so nervous that they will like do anything to convince themselves that they're not being flirted with. Oh, that girl made eyes at me. No, she didn't. No, she didn't. I'm not going to go over there. Yeah, it's stupid.

Oh, that guy, he just checked me out. No, no, no. No, he wasn't looking at me. Right. Maybe he was just doing that because of this or he's just acting friendly because that's what you're supposed to do. Yeah. Why don't you just always assume

that people are going to really like you until they give you a very clear sign that they don't have time. And then you just retreat. But you should always operate under the assumption that you're good. Here's a good rejection story. This could lead into our break. We were in Montreal last weekend for the comedy festival.

We went out and we were dancing. And at one point, these two girls were dancing next to us and i feel and it felt like they were looking at us and i couldn't tell if they were looking at us in a happy way or like an annoyed way but i was like i might as well just go for it say something and see what happens and so i went over there and i was like i know it looks very intimidating to dance with us because we're really good and then she's like yeah no that's not what i was thinking and then they walked away oh so that that's an example of when it didn't work right but that's funny now you have that as a fun story you came back to the loving embrace of your dancing friends right the good thing about

that is that no one knew uh and i didn't have to tell anyone i just sort of lived with that quiet shame for yeah probably the next 11 days oh no uh are you feeling better about it now no well think about like all the times that you hit on somebody and it works yeah yeah i mean you have to try that's something i'm not good at either is like biting the bullet and talking to ladies i usually have my friends do it for me right i'm a much i'm also a lay and wait guy i can't go up and like say something that's so hard but i'm good at like being the guy next to the guy that does that yeah totally that's great yeah um i remember when i was in eighth grade we went on a field trip to um new york city the big apple and um my friend one of my friends named james he like we were passing like a group of girls from like another

field trip right and uh they were walking and like he had been like he was kind of cute he's like winking at girls all day and they're like just thought he was sexy and i tried i was like hey and then this girl just goes you ugly oh no i wish i never said anything especially not a hey hey hey ladies you're ugly okay that's like what that's the one traumatic moment i'm like now i'll never talk to anyone again i think it shaped the way i talk to girls for the rest of my life right i always if i say hey they'll yell you're ugly uh well that reminds me did we give this guy advice because it reminded me of another funny story that happened in montreal i think we will say go for it all right great um do you remember my brother was in montreal

so my younger brother was there with his micah we've had him on micah micah was there with his nine friends yeah which is always fun to go around trying to get nine people into a bar at one nine guys into a club yeah so the first no easier task the first night we were there uh i waited in line with them we went up to the bar we went up to the bouncer and uh he just looked at me and i was like uh yeah you know what's up he's like yeah it's not gonna happen tonight it's like uh there's no way we could like our friends are up there i don't know what's going on like we could just go in he's like not a chance like all right that felt like saying you're ugly to me so they didn't go that night and you came out you got me in the next night they went very early because they wanted to go to this exact same bar which is

smart so they got there at like nine they and they still weren't allowed in but they're this time they were with two girls and they were like, they forgot her purse upstairs. Can we all go check? And they let a bunch of them upstairs to go look for this girl's purse under the guise of looking for this purse. Micah ducked under the rope and followed them in. So he texted me this. I want to find the exact exchange. This is pretty great.

Why did he duck under a rope if he said he had to go look for a purse? Well, there was nine of them. So they let some of, like, a swath of them up, and then, like, Micah ducked under the rope to sneak in just to go along with his friends. So... Sorry, excuse me.

You're crying. So he sorry, excuse me. You're crying. So he texts at 941, at apartment 200. That was the bar. Yeah. 941, at apartment 200, 947, six minutes later, LOL got kicked out. I texted him back right away. Ha, ha, ha, ha, what, why? Text me back.

Long story. Text me back at 702 12 minutes later got back in exclamation point pretty dope turnout if you want to come through wait 702 as in 1002 p.m oh yeah sorry 1002 right all right so um so he had gotten kicked out for they like found him sneaking under the under the velvet rope brought him back out kicked him out wouldn't let him in and apparently he went back to the bouncer and he was like i'm sorry i was dishonest all of my friends are inside i don't know what else to do you have to let me pity on him they let him in wow so later on we got there and um at this bar

one of the people who run ran it was like a college humor fan and he came up and he like bought us shots and another one of the managers came around and found me he was like hey i run this place like we're glad that you're here they were like they i think they were like treating comedians well who were in town for the festival right and he was like my name's frank let's take a shot together i was like all right cool we walked over to the bar uh to take this shot and as we're walking out my brother micah came out of the bathroom and i was like oh frank this is my little brother micah and frank is the guy that kicked him out before he's like your brother's a limbo artist but i love him to death and so we took the shot

they like shook hands and then i saw them having a conversation. I went and found you. Then I hadn't seen Micah for a while. I went back to the bar to try to find him. He was just there, arms around. Frank had their arms around each other. They were taking another shot. And he looked at me. He was like, you have to take this shot for me. His eyes were just like glossing over.

So I grabbed the shot. And immediately, right as I took it from him, the bartender poured another one, put it down right in front of him. Micah just shut his eyes. It was like, it was done. Micah and Frank, the limbo artist. Micah, if you're listening to this, I know you aren't. We miss you.

Poetic justice. I like poetic justice. We should say that Micah died that night. That was like the big story. I did wake up both nights in montreal like one like hoping that he didn't die because both nights i left him and he was just drunk we survived he lived lived to see another day 20 year olds are very resilient he's 21 he's fucked um all right last question real quick right quick zero to 100 real quick oh also tickets still available for our show and our live podcast in london uh more info on our website so if you're in london go yeah we'd love to see

you there it's going to be an 800 it's an 800 it's not going to be it is an 800 person theater which imagine doing a podcast in front of 800 people. That'd be so fun. That'll definitely be a record for me. Yeah. Our biggest crowd is like 200. Yeah. This is at least 30 times that. Last one is Kevin Jonas writes, Hey guys, big fan and surprisingly,

I'm not a 15 year old boy. I'm a 23 year old girl in my first ever relationship and I need your help. All right. I've been dating my boyfriend for about two months, and we've been extremely close, like as close as couples who have dated for a year. Well, recently we were talking about when we first started hanging out. We had sex the first night, and he asked if that was a normal thing for me.

My tipsy self decided that this was a good time to reveal that I've had my fair share of one night stands in college. This made him second guess our relationship and he says he can't trust me now. I'm 100% committed to him but he says it will take a while to earn back his trust. So I guess my question is how can I reassure him that I'm not a cheater

and to fix this new view of me as a total slut. Also why do girls get in so much trouble for a little sex in the past while guys are applauded? Help me out with that one, Jake. Thanks. Kevanya Jonas. Is she saying that I would never not applaud somebody who had sex in the past?

Male or female? I think it's beautiful. See, this guy, This asshole turd boyfriend Is what we don't want our finger licking guy to be Whoa whoa whoa dude The guy is cool The guy is neat You gotta admit that

He's gotta earn her trust back He slept with someone She retroactively cheated on him Sure not after they were going out but before Right you remember back before they even met each other when she slept with someone? That's cheating. That's unlawful. You gotta re-earn my trust.

And it's gonna take some fucking time. You better commit your past self to me and me only. I really hope that your past self will somehow go back in time and unsleep with those people. Baby, would you tell me you're a virgin? Would you mind terribly telling me you're a virgin and actually meaning it? You can't just lie to me. I want you to go back, Marty McFly style, and kill your former lovers one by one. Actually, this is a great movie idea.

It's called The Terrible Boyfriend. Back to the Future, part four. So you're saying this guy gives guys a bad name? Well, this guy gives guys... We don't want that first guy who's like, you can't lick other guys' fingers to're saying this guy gives guys a bad name well this guy gives guys we don't want that first guy who's like you can't lick other guys fingers to be like this guy's like you can't have slept with other girl of guys in the past like we don't want guys to be jealous and unch like and say you have to earn my trust back we get a lot of questions from jealous guys and guys are also the ones with the most abhorrent behavior. And girls, I'm not going to say always, but by and large, at least from our emails, are the ones who are on better behavior asking questions like this.

I am committed to him. How do I prove that to him? But you shouldn't have to. Just because you had one night stands before you guys knew each other. Back before you knew, that's the Wild West. Doesn't matter. Anything goes. That doesn't matter anything goes that doesn't mean anything you don't have to re-earn his trust you haven't done anything bad right

i don't know this guy's a turd ferguson um so that's what you say you say hey uh i haven't done anything to lose your trust so i don't need to re-earn my trust if anything you have to now re-earn my trust because it's it's become clear to me that you're a doof yeah you're a mean doof but think about where this is coming from it's a place of insecurity doubt he's not feeling very worthy he's not feeling good about himself he was he feels like these these other guys diminished him and i know that you know that they haven't we all know that's not the case but if you want to placate him which i'm not saying you do you could say something along the lines of this happened before i met you. You can trust me.

I love you. You only. And that's all you should have to do. Like, if you want to be open and direct with him and tell him how you really feel, which it sounds like you're saying, I want you to know that I'm committed, but I do not think that you should lose the angle of unimpeachable integrity

in that you haven't cheated on him you just slept with people before you even knew he existed right that's he should know that this is it's it's a big ask he shouldn't feel like he's in the right if anything he should be groveling being like i feel weak and sad and will you please just tell me things are going to be okay i know i'm a coward and a loser but just tell me you really like me and and that nobody else was good at sex i don't i don't even care if it's true just tell me make me feel better i want to be the best and then you can treat him like the baby that he is but if he wants to be treated like an adult then he can't he can't like he can't say that you have to earn his trust yeah that's such a dick thing to

say it's just weird i think a lot of guys when they get insecure he wants to like elevate himself but you must earn my trust but like what's going on in his body is like his dick is shriveled and his heart's broken he's like earn my trust you little floozy but he's like oh shit shit love me it's like calvin saying that to his dad you have to earn my respect no i don't i'm the adult and you're the little baby boy i don't like this guy or you could just play in this part of the podcast and be like see these guys think you're you're wrong and i'm right yeah he's wrong but a big part of it is understanding where it's coming from and not that it's like he's not necessarily evil just very very misguided also why do girls get so much

trouble for having sex in the past while guys are applauded i don't know isn't that uh that's like a an age-old problem right i say we stop that right now we start applauding everyone for having sex in the past yeah it's not hurting anybody having sex in the past that's great yeah good for you let's in fact let's make it better for girls than for guys that way we sort of even the playing field historically. Let us be the first to offer this round of applause for anybody who's gotten late. A round of applause is both of us clapping, dude. One, two, three. Very ta-da.

All right, let's... Hard to clap with these pinchers I got here just the sound of two plastic claws hitting each other uh yeah that's our time that's more than our time thank you so much uh to everybody that wrote in oh also did I say

oh yeah we did Kylie wrote that opening theme song if this is your first episode just know that we open and close every episode with original theme songs written by you. That's right. You can submit your own theme song and send it to ifireashow

at gmail.com. That first one is written by Kylie, and this last one was written by Max Trippenbach. Alright, Maxie! Thank you. Thanks, guys. We'll be back on Monday peace Every Monday so you just need to know It's about to show Follow the radio Swimming in so much pussy like Michael Phelps

I mean look at yourself Do you need some help? Good, cause that's just where they excel Pick you up if you fell Snail trail that's, that's no Ugh You smart quirky Jews Giving you an excuse

To get loose till you bruise or maybe get some. I even light a fuse. Yeah, fuck it. You're listening to If I Were You. Uh-huh. Okay. You're listening to the Fire You. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

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