Segments - 94: Ex-Girlfriends

Episode Date: August 11, 2014

In this episode we discuss weddings, parties, and inventions. This episode is brought to you by HuluPlus.com and SlugBooks.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Say boom, boom, boom. Now let me hear you say way-o. I really hope a lot of you at least... Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can

save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today.

Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Thought way-o. Thought whale. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes, and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ad somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey,

and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Don't worry, Jake is a part of it. He's just, he's not here now. I don't know. He said he was going out for chocolate almond milk two weeks ago, and I haven't seen him since, which is, yeah. Anyway, we recorded this episode, luckily, before he left, so please enjoy. Oh, yeah, don't worry. Things got real.

Peace. Sometimes you're in a sticky situation, a dire strait. I am blazed high, stoned and gone. I'm gonna be a straight hat. If I were you, here's what I would do. Go to Starbucks in a muck, then I'd tie the noose. High Stone and Gone. If Amir's wrong, you can ask the pinch. Pinch a nipple, punch a cripple. Email if you're in a pickle. Mom, turn off the podcast while I say that pussy trickle. Cause I'm here to seize the cheese. And trust me, that was the first time that I sneezed.

This advice is what they say and they believe in. If you can't handle being put in blasts, you should leave. And fuck the fucking beats. Shit ass. Put it back. Okay. Hands on a joke. That's good. A little jokey joke. A jokey joke indeed. That was written,

directed, produced, starring, recorded. Who had the flow is what I want to know. His name is Aria. Love it. His website is musicsaf.com. He has music.com as his fucking domain name? No, no, no.

Music Saf. M-U, spelled correctly, M-U-S-I-C dot com. S-A-F. Music dot com. All right, everybody.

Visit, I guess, music.com. It must be one of the most trafficked websites anyway. Yeah, that's a solid five-letter, single-word domain. Can you spell SAF? S-A-F, musicSAF.com.

It's not a bad domain name either. Yeah. It's not a good one. Not the best. Yeah. It's no blue.com. Yeah. Blue.com would be pretty good.

I feel like if you're going to do music something, it should be like a noun. Hmm. Like musicpie.com. Oh, musicworm. That's kind of cool. Let me check if that's available. Musicworm? Yeah.

Yeah, that's good. Is it available? Musicworm. Musicworm? Is it good? It is not available, though you can buy it right now for $4,000. That's it? Let me check if musicpie is available.

Musicpie is not available either. How much is that one for sale for? They're not even making it up for us. They know it's a goldmine. You don't just sell. You don't sell art. You sit on it and you collect it. Give me another noun. Music curtain.

That's a little cumbersome. I don't even want to waste a domain. I was just looking around the room. I need a single syllable noun. Oh, that's good. cumbersome. I don't even want to waste a domain. Sorry, I was just looking around the room. I need like a single syllable noun. Oh, that's good. Thank you. He's back. I didn't trust my gut.

That was the problem. Music Fish is taking. Really? Music Mucus. Music Mucus? You really want to use that on a two-syllable? I know, but it's kind of fun to look at. MusicMucus.com is available.

Of course it is. People don't really know how to spell mucus. How would you spell it? M-U-C-H-U-S? Mucous? Mucus? I don't know how to spell mucus. I spelled M-U-C-U-S. Alright, let's do it. Well, look up how to spell mucus.

We're just getting further into the rabbit hole. 43 minutes later. Boogermuus.org. Look up how to spell it. You don't trust me on M-U-C-U-S? I do kind of. Mucus. M-U-C-U-S.

To find us. Yeah. Mucus, snot, or phlegm. Try it with an H. See if there's two ways to spell it. There's the old Yiddish way to spell it. Yeah. Machus. You're thinking it. Yeah. Machas.

Mm-hmm. Oh, you're thinking of muchas gracias. All right. Moving on. Music plant. Yeah. Oh, that's good. Music plant.

Music. I can't believe how long this is going. It's taken. Music button. That'll be taken, right? That one's got to be taken. taken music but no one is interested in this okay wait i got one while spelling music button it's searched music butt and music butt is available whoa music butt that's really good hey so music staff i'm gonna email you before

if you want more traffic to your website purchase musicbutt.com i'll let you know before this episode comes out so you can you can yeah you know what everybody go to musicbutt.com I'll let you know before this episode comes out so you can you know what everybody go to musicbutt.com that's his new website musicbutt.com thank you you can make it forward

to music staff it's not hard that is our time thank you very much this has been the domain name suggestion show thank you

I am Roger I am Tom that is Ebert what I'm Roger you're Ebert. That is Ebert. What? I'm Roger. You're Ebert. Okay. Weird coincidence.

Is he still alive? We were both named after... Yeah, this is live. No, is he still alive? Oh, no, he's dead. He recently passed. And also Gene Siskel. Also passed.

A long time ago. Mm-hmm. All right, PeeWee. Hey, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast that you wouldn't know it. On the internet, hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Josh. And we are just having a wacky, wacky good time.

It's been a long day for us, so we're a little bit loopy. We're high off life. How does this show work? People who are in dire need of our advice email us at a fiery show at gmail.com. And then we answer those questions on this here podcast. That is the best you've ever done. That's the best you've ever done. If this is it, please let me know.

You should. We should record that. Yeah. Record this in your head before every single show. Like I'm studying for my bar mitzvah, I'll put it on a cassette tape and I'll press play. And I'll listen to it on a walk-in before I go to bed. It was so perfect. So should we get this party started, right?

Why not? I'll tell you why not. We need a fake name because these real emails from real people have to be disguised a little bit to preserve their anonymity oh that's true so why don't you give this person i'll read the first email you give me give me a fake name for them okay uh it's a teenager that helps oh yeah a teenager we'll call him roger klotz oh i like that very. We'll get to that later. Hey guys, I'm a 17-year-old girl from London. Whoa. Maybe we should change our name to Patty.

Yeah, you said... I said a teen. And your sexist mind couldn't even compute the fact that a girl could write an email. Is that what it is? Let's keep her named Roger. A female named Roger writes, I'm a 17-year-old girl from London, so please forgive me for my English grammar. This Friday, there's a party for 15 to 18-year-olds in and around my borough.

The hosts are calling it an after-exam celebration. I have a few questions about this. One, will it be weird if I go to this party because I'm 17? Am I too old? Two, I'm not sure if any of my closer friends will be up for it. I haven't asked them yet, but I'm sure that I'll see people I know. For safety and social reasons, is it bad that I show up alone? Three, as I'm sure you can tell, I haven't been to many teen parties, and that's where my concerns are coming from. That first one I went to was for my friend's 18th birthday in May.

I had fun, I danced and drank a bit, but I got a little self-conscious because I saw a girl who knew me as a really studious person. I felt somewhat awkward, and I kind of just sat down for an hour and a half until my mom picked me up. I just really want to know how one acts at a party. Thanks.

Love, Roger Klotz. Tell you what, Roger. Don't go to the party. Yeah. I think after hearing your email, you're not the kind of person I'd want around. She can relax. I'm fine.

I just want to know. I just want to know what if somebody sees me and she thinks I'm studious. Yeah, sorry. So it's for 15, 18-year-olds and I'm 17. Am I too old for the party? If I go, should I go alone or with friends? Is that fine?

I went to a party before and I saw a girl that I knew there and I just freaked out. So I sat down for an hour and a half and then my mom came and got me. I'm really looking forward to this party. Tell me if I should go. I'm kind of nervous because I'm in the age range, but is that too old? If you say that I should go, I have a couple of follow-up questions for you. Namely, what time should I show up? What time should I leave? How many beverages should I consume? And should they be beer? Should they

be liquor? Should they be a wine? Should I smoke a cigarette if I'm offered? Should I take a puff of weed if I'm offered? If I'm not high high do i ask to smoke more weed or do i pretend that i'm high if i pretend that i am high will people know that i'm pretending that i'm high what if i get too high what if my mom comes and picks me up and she's late and i'm waiting for her outside and somebody comes up and talks to me how do i start a conversation what will i say to them you don't always have to ask questions you don't always have to ask questions. You don't always have to know the answer. Sometimes you just show up at the party and you let the – you go with the flow. Oh, yeah.

That's where that phrase comes from. It's a song I made up. It's called Go With The Flow. Go with the flow. Oh, oh, oh. Go with the flow. Oh, go with the flow. Oh, oh, oh.

Go with the flow. Cut to her singing this at the flow. Oh. Go with the flow. Oh, oh, oh. Go with the flow. Cut to her singing this at the party. Everyone's throwing, I don't know, scotch eggs at her. What do English people eat at parties? What if I'm off of that food? You nailed it with scotch eggs. It's a scotch egg party. What is a scotch egg?

I believe it's an egg that's rolled around in some sort of dough and then deep fried i just love how i feel like everyone has these questions but they're micro they're micro thought of at the party they just like ruffle through your mind while you don't really consider them she's actually like taking the time to like sit down like yeah i'm not sure if any of my friends will go should i go alone when should i get there for safety and social reasons is it bad to show up alone like these are the micro thoughts that you have when you're walking into a party but you can try to maybe that's what the alcohol is for it sort of numbs that analytical part of your brain and it just like says to yourself hey none of this stuff actually matters it's a party yeah as far as

the age range is concerned you told us it's a party for 15 to 18 year olds you're not even 15 or 8 you're not even borderline you're sm if you're not sick the perfect age to go to this 16 and 17 are the two good ages that's the sweet spot you're there if anything 17 is better because then you're a little bit older yeah you got the upper hand you have the perfect age for it 15 to 18 year old 17 boom perfect if it's bad if i show up alone I guess it's a little weird you don't want to you don't want to walk in I think it's fine

I don't think you can personally handle it me or her no this this girl I think she's got I think she's got too much on her mind

just go with somebody that way at the very least you can talk to them and have a glass of wine before you do oh yeah get a little

well she's 17 I don't know what the drinking age is in London or whatever it's probably 18 it's 18 don't do anything. I don't know what the drinking age is in London or whatever. It's probably 18. Okay. Don't do anything that I said then. Yeah.

Obey the law. Yeah. Of course. I think that'll be the most fun type of party. Yeah. An obey the law party. Obey the law party. None of it matters.

Nothing matters. We're all going to die. We're all here for... We're all... We're all pathetic little butterflies that are flapping our wings, and nothing's important. Nothing lasts forever. We're all dust in the wind. Do whatever you want.

Don't take the party so seriously. But honestly, girl, you got it going on. Yeah. If you're listening to this show, heck, I like your chances. Yeah. I think you're a dime. You're a dime. And not a dime a dozen.

A ten pence. A ten pence piece. A tenth of a quid. You're a pound. A tenth of a pound, specifically. Chill out. Relax. Have fun. You're beautiful. You're going to have fun at the party if you don't think so much.

And the more parties you go to, the more relaxed you'll be. That's true. The first party you go to, you're going to be a little freaked out. That's why when you saw someone you knew, oh, by the way, you will see people that you know at this party too. Ideally. Yeah. But don't freak out.

Don't just sit down and wait until your mom comes. A valuable thing that everybody should know is that no one is paying more attention to you than you are to yourself. Right. That's especially true at, like, dance parties. You think that that girl saw you and she's like, oh, she usually studies. This is so strange. And then she told people she saw you and was like, okay.

And then she was, like, deep into her own insecurities and, like, what guy she wanted to kiss or how much she was drinking. Yeah, maybe her hips or the silhouette of her hips looks like a pumpkin. Yeah. Well, okay. Or something. I don't know. A pumpkin, yeah. Maybe.

Everybody has their own hang-ups and you're getting lost in yours thinking that other people are thinking about your hang-ups, but they're not. They're just thinking about their own. And the best thing you can do is set them free and just go off and have a good time be like hey nobody cares everybody's gonna die we're all beautiful what's your hang up when you walk into a party um uh i guess i would like to be i don't know when i walk into like what am i insecure about yeah what are you hoping nobody or everybody notices about you? I don't think I'm really thinking it. Like, when I walk into a party, what am I thinking about?

Yeah. I guess I don't ever want to... I don't want to look like I'm alone or like I don't know where I'm going. Right. So I wouldn't want to... But I don't really think about this a lot at all. But I guess it would cross my mind if I walked in somewhere and I didn't know how to get a drink i wouldn't like that i wouldn't be like i don't want to be like oh where's the you don't want to ask anybody where's the bar and i'm like i'm walking around and i don't know what's going on i also don't really like to be seen waiting in the bathroom line that looks like

a i'm like a weak guy with a little a bad little bladder i'm just like i'm going to do something private excuse me so you if you have to use the restroom and there's a line, you just don't wait? I guess I would if I really had to use the restroom, but it's on my mind when I'm waiting. So you don't like to be seen waiting for anything? Yeah, like if I'm waiting in line for the restroom, which I will do. It's not like I'm above waiting. Right.

But like I would feel vulnerable. Like if I was waiting in line for the restroom and like an attractive girl came up and she saw me and she's like, hey, how are you? I'd be like, oh, this is sad. I don't want her to know that I have feel vulnerable. Like if I was waiting in line for the restroom and an attractive girl came up and she saw me and she's like, hey, how are you? I'd be like, oh, this is sad. I don't want her to know that I have to pee. Because maybe there's nothing cool you could do when you're waiting in line.

Yeah, just like you're on your phone. If you're looking at your phone, it's kind of like a, yeah, nobody wants to be like the guy at the party. I look at you and you're on Instagram. Yeah, I really, maybe that's one of my insecurities at a party. It's like, I don't want to be on my phone.

Right. Very much don't want to be on my phone. And. Very much don't want to be on my phone. And it's hard because sometimes you're like meeting people at that party too. You're like, oh, my friends are texting me. They need to know how to get here. Yeah, even texting, which is relatively cool, is still a little bad. It looks a little lame. Everybody on a phone just looks lame at a party.

You look like you need – it's like you might as well be playing a game on your phone. Right. Looking across a crowded bar or something and just seeing people's faces illuminated with the blue light of shame. Like, oh, no, that person's not in the moment. That person's not enjoying themselves. That person does not have fun. What's your thing? Maybe style, like a specific thing that I'm wearing. Like remember when we were at the party recently and everyone told me to button up my short-sleeved shirt all the way to the top?

Yeah. So like when I have that going on, I just can't not think about that. And I hope to God, one, it doesn't look stupid. And two, if it looks cool, it's not like, oh, who's that guy trying to look cool? Did you think about it all night when you had it on? Maybe not all night, but definitely when I meet someone, I'm like, oh gosh, they're looking at that button, that specific button that I have buttoned.

I have to act like I created this trend, even though I'm, right now, the last person to join it. Maybe since then it's changed because it's been a week, but yeah. Yeah. I think it looks cool when you did it. Thanks, dude. Appreciate it. You're welcome. Well, I did it because been a week. But yeah. Yeah. All right. I think it looks cool when you do it. Thanks, dude. Appreciate it. You're welcome.

Well, I did it because you said it would look cool. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Next L. Moving on. Oh, I don't know if that toot picked up on microphone, but Jake just tooted. No, you tooted.

No, I did not toot. That was your toot. I didn't toot. Yes, you did. Mine aren't high pitch like that. Mine are flappers.. Yes, you did. Mine aren't high-pitched like that. Mine are flappers. You're just... Mine are whoopee cushion.

No, you just farted just now. They're deep staccato. I resent this. I resent this. Mine sound like a drum. Mine sound like a drum. All right, dude. You're being really competitive right now.

Still playing level 48. All right. Ooh, another female. BB Bluff. Wow. Going the B-sides. Thank you. BB Bluff writes,

Hey guys, so my sister recently got engaged, and even though the wedding isn't until next year, I've been thinking a lot about it. I am a lesbian, and my girlfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half now. I love her with all my heart, and I want to take her to the wedding. The only problem is, my future brother-in-law's grandparents slash family are very traditional and think my sexual orientation is a sin and that I will burn in hell.

I really want to take my girlfriend, but I am worried that it will cause his family to be upset and I don't want to create any problems. My sister and her fiance are very supportive of us, but I'm still not sure. I don't just want to take her and act platonically. Should I not go with her or just say fuck you and take her anyway? Thanks, BB Bluff. Or should I just say fuck you to them and take her anyway? Quick answer, fuck you, take her anyway. See, that's what I thought you'd say.

But think about it a little bit. Not that she will do it, but bringing the girlfriend might ruin the wedding. She doesn't want to be responsible for that. It won't ruin the wedding. It might if all these people are angry at her. They won't be. But what if they are? Then they can fuck off.

They could rot in hell. So they're the ones. Because it's their hate. It's their vitriol. It's their hate. But is it by bringing it this... Hate can't dictate. You can't dictate with hate.

All right? Never. Never. So if they're like, we will walk out of the wedding, the entire family will walk out of the wedding, if you bring the girlfriend, you would still say, yeah, I'm bringing her. That's on you. Yes, of course. And then you feel like you're taking...

You are on the wrong side of history right now. You're taking the moment away from... Not that I agree with these people. No, you're sharing the moment with your loved ones and they should be sharing the moment with their loved ones and that person's loved ones and these two loved ones aren't saying to anybody that you shouldn't invite your loved ones no no anybody that they're making this about they're making about hate when it should be about love yeah and i don't i don't side with the quote-unquote enemy the bigots yeah but at the same time what if what if you bring them and then it just creates bring your girlfriend and it

creates this weird situation where the wedding is ruined and that you have that on your conscience a little bit i would it wouldn't be on your conscience it shouldn't be on your conscience you didn't ruin the wedding you just brought a date you brought somebody you love to the wedding so let's say you were dating uh i guess you can't be dating a lesbian. Let's say you were dating like an Asian woman and your brother was getting married and the brother's wife's entire family vehemently hated Asian people. And they were like, if I see an Asian person at this wedding, it's going to create a huge chaotic mess

and it'll disrupt the wedding. This is all in that lady's head, first of all. That's true. Yeah, this might not be true. They might just whisper and be angry. I don't think, yeah, it's insane for them to be like, we hate lesbians so much

that if one shows up at our wedding party... We'll leave. Yeah, nobody's looking at the groom's sister's date right but i don't think it's i think you're gonna fly under the radar more than you think but you can see why she's apprehensive she doesn't want to create any any like take any attention away from her sister all i can imagine is um i mean fuck the the spouse's parents for their hate. All I can imagine is her saying to her loved one, I don't want to subject you to their scorn. Right.

You don't deserve that. Right. I wouldn't, like, any amount of discomfort that the bigots feel, I think is justified, and think they uh deserve to be punched in the throat for the way they think yeah i think the physical physical violence i think it's about time we rose against bigots physically yes physically that is an interesting theory is is it is it legal to punch someone if they're being racist towards you. Racism is illegal, isn't it? I don't think it is. Being racist is not illegal.

Thinking racist thoughts is not illegal. Right. Stupid freedom of expression and shit. Oh, yeah. Why can't we just create a world where racism was outlawed? Should be. Can't we just make racism illegal? Should be.

We should. I wonder if that exists anywhere in the world, where it's like if you have negative thoughts about other people based on... Do you have a racist dream? Yeah. Would you say that's a utopian future? I don't know. It sounds like a little dystopian future.

People can see your dreams. It's definitely an interesting philosophical debate. For sure. Should racism be illegal? I'm going to Google that later. We're going to put up the question on musicbutt.com. A message board. Way in.

So you're saying bring her. Of course. I say ask your lady friend if she even wants to go to this wedding based on all the information you don't want to bring her there and then have like a blindsider with his hate what if this lay the cards out on the table but you shouldn't be like don't present the information in a way that makes it sound like you don't want her to go to you don't want to be like hey this wedding is coming up this whole family doesn't even want you there. Do you want to come?

You should be like, hey, this wedding is really important to me. I would love to have you there. I just don't want you to feel uncomfortable. These people are bigots. These people are assholes. But I want you there, and I think we can still dance the night away and have a great time. And, you know, if their hate gets the best of them,

it won't get the best of us. Yeah. That's a good line. The hate won't get the best of us. I don't think so. If anything, it should unify you guys and make you stronger. If anything, you should get married that day. What? You want to steal attention from your

sister? You get married. That's a good idea. Yeah. You guys bump and grind on the dance floor. Yeah. And then, then like as you're mid 69 as the father's hanging his head in shame saying i would have been fine with anything but this you you've turned this entire thing into a mid coitus yeah sex show and then you say will you marry me to your girlfriend? And you use the same priest and the same catering. Yeah, so in a way, this bigot father actually paid for the wedding. Yeah, hopefully, fortunately enough, gay marriage is legal in this state. That the other marriages, the wedding is happening.

You better believe. You never want to be the last state that legalizes something. Right, so finally Wyoming is just like, fuck it. Right. Everyone knows you were last, Wyoming. It could be legal in Wyoming. We don't even know Wyoming. I would...

Imagine it's not. I would estimate it's in Alabama. An Alabama or a Mississippi will be last. That goes last? Yeah. We're looking at 49 and 50 right there. I don't know. Smart money's on Alabama.

I'll check the Vegas books, see what they have, what the line is on last day to legalize Mississippi. Yeah, because Alabama's got some colleges. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Liberal hubs for sure. Tuscaloosa. Good luck. Godspeed. Let us know how the wedding is.

Bring your lady friend Yeah Have fun Do it It's a wedding You got us to do it Weddings are fun Because it's other people

Paying for you to have fun They're not fun For the people getting married Right But they're fun for the guests Well it's fun to celebrate love Yeah that's true Weddings aren't just fun

Because they're free shit Well it's like a free dinner Also Weddings are kind of expensive They're not for you Oh for the person going Yeah Well I mean you just Not if it's like Let's dinner. Also, weddings are kind of expensive. Not for you. Oh, for the person going? Yeah. Well, I mean, not if it's like, let's say someone's getting married in L.A.

I just slap on a suit, go, have a really nice free dinner, a nice dance party. What about the wedding that we got invited to, that we enjoyed in San Francisco? Oh, that chore? That punishment, you mean? Yeah. All right, never mind. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Can all landada forever i love you guys uh you were almost booed out of that one for bringing your asian lesbian girlfriend remember yeah but that was only because i just met her that night uh all right should we take a break or answer one more question let me check the time oh we can answer one more question? Let me check the time. We can answer one more question. Okay. We need a dude's name. Skeeter Mosquito Valentine. His name is Mosquito? His real name is Mosquito.

Terrible name. I shall name you after the bug everyone hates. The bee. I guess bee is a nice name. Mosquito is a bad one. Wasp. That's the worst one.

Wasps are the worst because they're just, they're ornery and they're mean and they can sting forever. Yeah. They're like bees, but the boss. The boss level in a bee game. All right. Ready? Yeah. Hey, guys.

I recently joined in on the tinder game my initial intention was to use it to meet girls in my area who were interested in a casual one night stand type relationship pretty standard so far last week I matched with someone almost instantly and got her number

when we started talking I found out she lived about a two hour drive away from Sydney Australia and was only there for the day and got her number. When we started talking, I found out she lived about a two-hour drive away from Sydney, Australia, and was only there for the day, although she said she came down frequently. My problem here is this. After about a week of constant talking, I've started to develop feelings for this person

I haven't even met yet. I still want to have sex with her, but I don't want to go too deep, no pun intended, and become involved in a not only serious but long-distance relationship. We have a lot in common and both seem to find each other very attractive. So do I continue on further down this rabbit hole of emotion and uncertainty, or do I abort and keep on swiping?

Advice from both of you is appreciated, and even though he cops heaps of crap for these kinds of things i will take amir's advice just as seriously as jake's thanks for your help you got to be careful here dude you do not don't it sounds like you guys are in the fast track towards marriage you said you've been messaging for a week and you haven't met yet but you find each other very attractive and you have a lot in common so So that sounds like you guys are, I mean, exclusive at this point, to be sure. At the very least in love.

I say you pull the pull of Dave Coulier and cut it out. Cut it out. You've got to cut this bitch off, dude. Nip it not only in the bud, but before the bud. She's obsessed with you right now. And it's not healthy. It's not good.

She's suffocating you. I mean, it's been a couple days now i'm i'm i'm i applaud this guy for being so against relationships that he's willing to cut off a relationship because he has something he likes this girl over text what you have is called a crush yeah and it's i have to stop it right now i can only only sleep with people I don't like. It has to be completely meaningless. Yeah, it has to be absolutely platonic. God, can you imagine?

Worst case scenario, I meet this girl and I don't even want to say it, but like her. Yeah, there's a zero tolerance policy here. Imagine if I liked her. I can't imagine that. And then what? We just get along? Yeah, right now we don't hate each other. I don't imagine that And then what we just get along Yeah right now we don't hate each other

I don't know But he is trying to be very pragmatic And avoid a long distance thing So early on in the game He's not being pragmatic He's being neurotic he hasn't even met the person yet Right but what if he does meet her And he does like her and he does end up in a long distance relationship

God forbid you meet her Like her and fuck her and he does end up in a long-distance relationship? God forbid you meet her, like her, and fuck her. I mean, shit. That'd be horrible, right? I think you have the, you've got this incredible out of, I don't want to seriously date anybody that lives two hours from me. Oh, that's a good one. So there you go. Sleep with her. Or don't sleep with her just to sleep with her.

But, I mean, meet up with her. Hang out. See if you like her. See if you guys vibe. see if she likes you see if you guys want to explore that part of a relationship that's all good that's all cool and then if you know she wants more and you don't then you can be straight up with her and just say i don't want to get into a relationship with somebody that lives so far away but you do sort of understand a little bit like if you're in a mode of like i don't want to be in a relationship and you start liking someone don't you also find yourself sometimes like wanting to cut it off

before it gets too serious i've never ever had the problem of like starting to like someone by accident i always don't like anything i don't know what that is to be like oh no i'm getting close to you and i didn't want this it's just like oh okay i don't like you or care about you at all and right you could just good you never did. It's just like, oh, okay, I don't like you or care about you at all. You never did or you could just turn it off after bonage? I can turn it on and off like lights. Actually, easier than lights because sometimes you forget

to turn lights off while you always just constantly dislike people. These are automatic lights. Not even the clapper that requires you to just clap twice. They're not a dimmer. These are outdoor garage lights. The automatic ones that you feel like you've never had to replace,

you never have to think about on and off. Totally convenient. They are fluorescent to be sure. So when I start to get emotional, it's just nope. Pitch black. I'm not. Just abject. You can't even tell if your eyes are open or closed.

It is just pitch, pitch, tar, empty black. My eyes are open. My eyes are closed. My eyes are closed. My heart is broken. And so is my nose. Your nose really is broken, yeah? Yeah. Yeah, you walked into the garage door.

It was too dark. The lights did not go on. So what would you suggest? Keep talking to her? Yeah. Worst case scenario, you like a girl. No point in cutting somebody off before you even meet them that's very very premature yeah that's crazy premature you downloaded tinder to have a one-night stand

you've accidentally been chatting with a girl for a couple days that's okay see what happens yeah i don't think you're getting too close right now i don't think that's happening at all yeah but he is doing it right. He's in Australia, so I can only assume everyone's just very attractive. Yeah. I've never met an Australian that was under 6'5", 210 pounds. We should go to Australia, right? Oh, yeah, we should go to Australia. I really would like to go.

Let's make a pact right now. We never go to Australia, because I'm afraid of meeting this girl. What? Yeah, and falling in love with her and right now I'm sort of into that single life that single life though that single life though

alright now we can take a break finally is there anything you wanted to discuss stretch our stuff out I don't know if there was anything we wanted to talk about specifically. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings.

The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards. And if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL.

Wow. So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do. I do. Yeah, I do a lot. This can really heighten your joy. That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan, and now i'm just a fan of the league in general but i still have a fan of gambling enough yes you're a fan of gambling yes and i

do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback does in a cover two defense? Or like, do you know what a play action pass is? Like, these are like some advanced things that I know that you wouldn't. I basically know run and Hail Mary. You actually know both of those? Yeah. Running is when you run and then Hail Mary is when you chuck it, right?

Damn. I think you should download the DraftKings Pick 6 app. Select between two and six players. I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat.

It's that simple. And for all first-time Pick 6 players, check this out. New customers play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in Pick 6 credits. Whoa-za. Very cool. Download the new DraftKings pick six app now and use code segments.

That's code segments for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in pick six credits only on DraftKings pick six. The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say, gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling. Call 1-888-789-7777

or visit ccpg.org in Connecticut. Must be 18+. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions. Pick 6 is not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited. One per new customer.

Non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show.

Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held.

They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed.

Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you you think and it's not biz with a z so if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one build a store an online portfolio the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready

to launch just use that coupon code segments to 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. What else?

Summer is almost over. It's crazy. It flew by, didn't it? Yeah, we were looking forward to summer all year long. And by the time this episode comes out, it'll be mid-August. We're recording this in January. By the time this episode comes out, it'll be mid-August. It's crazy to think about.

August, when you're in high school, August sucks. Yeah, August is so good. Oh, God, it's over. It's over. This is it. And it's what now? August is the Sunday of the summer. Have I said that before? And your birthday is in August? Yeah. Is that a bad thing? like excited a little bit but it was yeah it was bittersweet like the the end of that vacation was really the end of the summer for me it was like we'd get back have three days before school and did you dread dread dread school yeah like it was like back to school shopping like gave you

hives oh yeah i would i was like a it was like seeing starting to see those commercials like in july and august for it's the opposite of a Christmas commercial. Like, no. Didn't you love back to school? Yeah, I was the one that was like, mommy, take me to Staples today. Oh, I don't know. It's still July. Oh, who cares?

And I was just like flying down the aisle like with one of my feet on the cart just gliding down the aisles. Wide ruled, college ruled, highlighters, dividers. They're all great and they're all now remember dividers is that a weird story that you had where you like went to school with the wrong oh yeah have i told this on the show before i don't know you told it to me once it was so sad i was like this is like the ultimate like son of non-Americans. My parents don't know what rules are for American schools. They're just like, we got this class list and it was like supplies. And it was like, come to school with two notebooks. And so my mom just gave me two notebooks.

And I was like, all right, this is third grade. So this is the first time we ever had to bring notebooks. And I was like, wide ruled notebooks or college ruled notebooks. I'm like, all right sure i come in and like i have like one notebook that has like marvin the martian on it like the spine is at the top and it's like a three and a half by five index card size it's like the kind you give to like little kids to like pretend they're playing detective and the other one is like even smaller that's like a booklet it's like a book of coupons it's so small and it's like all right take out your take out your notebooks everyone has their mead wide ruled standardized notebooks and i'm just like oh shit i just like slide mine into my cubby

and be like i forgot mine at home you didn't even try to bring out the marvin the marshall imagine my shock and horror and shame if I brought that out and be like, this is my notebook, bitches. Oh, my God, that's funny. I never recovered from that. Yeah, you still carry around a notebook to this day. Yeah, people still call me Marvin. Oh, my God.

You know what's a good thing is that I have some friends that always have a pen on them. I think I'm going to start doing that. It's a convenient thing when it happens. Yeah, but it's inconvenient when it explodes in your pocket. Okay, never mind. I'm not going to do that anymore. Smart. I've got pens around me.

I always keep one in my backpack. That's good. I always keep one in that tin box in my room. Of course, the pen box. I always keep one in the glove compartment of my car, or in the center console of my car. So three pens in my life, in my orbit. I know where they are. The backpack's usually the most convenient.

You know what I'd like is a pen holder in a shoe. I'd like my New Balance shoes to have a pen holder. I can slide it in, slide it out. I always got a pen on me because I always got my shoes. If I don't have my shoes, I'm at home. I got my pen at home. If I'm out and about, I got my shoe pen.

You got a shoe pen. This is me on Shark Tank. A shoe pen. Anyway, the shoe pens retail for $295. Obviously, it's a regular shoe that we do a lot of work on after the fact. I want you guys to buy 5% of the company for $1.6 million. A fun way to start that is? Sharks, do any of you have a pen?

They all do. Okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Give me the pens. All right. Good. Let me ask you again. Sharks, does anyone here have a pen?

No, I do all my writing on my phone. One of you guys still has a second pen. How the fuck? Where do you keep it? I have do all my writing on my phone. One of you guys still has a second pen. How the fuck? Where do you keep it? I have one in my shoe at all times. Really? So it already exists? Yeah.

My God, I should have researched the marketplace. No, I feel like not so much of an early adopter anymore. The shoe pen is not a crazy idea. It isn't the most dumb idea. I can see it in the in like the uh invention convention yeah the conve invention yeah is that a thing the invention convention you never had it no oh is that a high school thing uh no we had it in third grade oh third and fourth grade i think it was the invention convention and everybody comes up with an invention we make a prototype

and uh then you have like the convention you win you can go on to the uh statewide national do you remember what the popular ones from your school were anything better than a chupin um trying to think what the i only i can only remember mine and it was really bad mine was a harmonica but there was a post-it note at the end of it my well my initial one was the beach cart and it was a wagon that you could bring on the beach that because it had like bigger inflatable tires a wagon yeah it was like a kind of like a you know how um wagons have thin wheels that you wouldn't imagine being uh used on the you can drag a wagon across the beach

yeah okay then like you could have big inflatable tires uh that would be easier to move on the beach so that was my invention uh but it had existed sharks how many of you here have a wagon right now who here is dragging their wagon don't even don't make fun of me yet because my second invention was even worse. Save your insults. It was called the Bookshelf Organizer. Okay. And I guess in my mind, I thought a problem that existed in society was if you had a shelf with too many books on it, you couldn't find the titles that you wanted. Okay. So this was a bookshelf.

So far, this is somewhat of a problem I can understand uh you yeah this thing just had slots so just sort of imagine a bookshelf i'm already there already way ahead of you ever since you started talking about bookshelves okay so instead so then there were also these other vertical compartments sort of like dividers in a yeah dividers throughout but it it was on a sliding scale, so you could remove one of the... I think I used like... It's almost like the... Sort of like particle board.

You could slide it over and have all your books... It's almost like a vertical dresser. Yeah. Yeah, you could say it was like that. Sliding stuff out. Sliding stuff out. Vertically instead of horizontally. I think you're giving me too much credit.

I want you to pare it back just a little. Realize how jumpy this was. It was really just a divider. It wasn't like a drawer of books. Oh, so you pulled the divider out? Yeah, it was just like another little, it was like a sleeve of particle board. So, like, you could have three books and then a piece of particle board. And then two books, a piece of particle board. So you could have three books and then a piece of particle board and then two books, a piece of particle board.

Five books, a piece of particle board. But if you wanted to, you could remove the piece of the particle board so there'd be like eight books in a row. It's very multifaceted. Yeah, you can have eight books, two, five, literally any number of books. Yeah, there was like an unlimited

number of slots so you could move the particle board yeah at your whim so there was yeah so sometimes you could have like a small compartment sometimes you can have a wide compartment uh the bookshelf organizer not really organizer as much as it does just group separates the books yeah it's a decompartmentalizer it It didn't win. I can tell you that. It definitely got second place. It did not win. No ribbons for you. Not second place.

I don't think I placed. Yeah. It was a disgrace. It was a disgrace. And it backfired in my face. And actually, my books were all misplaced, for sure. All right. Good.

Solid. That's the break. That's the break. That's the ideal break. Them's the breaks. Good. Solid. That's the break. That's the break. That's the ideal break. Them's the breaks. Yeah. Them was the break. One last question.

Let's do that. Even though we're already at the 40-ish minute mark. And I am delirious. Are you just delirious right now? Yeah, I'm delirious. We had a full day. A full day that started at noon. All right. But it's 11. Yeah, that's delirious. We had a full day. A full day that started at noon. All right.

But it's 11. Yeah, that's true. 11 hours. Also, we need a last name. Or, sorry. We need a first name. We need the last first name. Give me a fucking name!

Is it a guy or a girl, dude? It's a guy. Mr. Dink. Nice. Thank you. Lamar Bone himself. Alright, boys, buckle up. So I'd been dating this girl

for two years when we went to school and did the long distance thing, Miami, New York. While we were at school, we kind of had a don't ask, don't tell policy. So we both knew that she had gotten with a couple people, but she thought that I hadn't been with anyone. Actually, I had been with 15-ish.

We picked up right where we left off during each break, but once summer came around, she decided that things weren't the same and broke up with me. Shortly after the breakup, I left my phone at a mutual friend's house after a party. She ended up with my phone and realized that I had been with other girls at school. She got super pissed that I had lied about those girls my question is am i in the wrong is there anything i could do to remedy that i apparently hurt her also how long is normal to wait to see a new person once broken up you know being respectful and all thanks mr d Mr. Dink. Mr. Dink, you're a saint. He's a saint,

right? Why is he a saint? Because he's still concerned. None of it is his problem. None of it's his fault. Yeah, I mean, it's not nice that he slept with 15-ish people and said that he hadn't hooked up with anybody. Although it was part of their policy. Right, it was a don't ask, don't tell, so why did she ask and you didn't have to tell? You viewed him as a saint because this is kind of you. Well, it a don't ask, don't tell. So why did she ask and you didn't have to tell? You viewed him as a saint

because this is kind of you. Well, it's a don't ask, don't tell. But I think he's just mad that this girl's mad and I'm like, am I in the wrong? Like, why is she pissed at me? I didn't do anything wrong.

I'm yelling back at her and she doesn't get it. So she hooked up with people at school because they had a policy that was don't ask, don't tell. Yeah. He did the same thing,

but he held up his end of the bargain, which was not to tell. he did the same thing but he did he held up his end of the bargain which is not to tell right which it sounds like she didn't hold up her end of the bargain if anything you should be mad at her yeah because she asked and told she asked and told she asked you didn't tell that's fine then she comes home she breaks up with you okay whatever she had your she got your phone went through it and she's upset with you yeah you're not my girlfriend you're just a stranger who went through it, and she's upset with you. Yeah. Like, you're not my girlfriend. You're just a stranger who went through my phone, and you can't do that. And fuck fine. If she's your ex-girlfriend, she can be mad at you.

It doesn't matter. Your ex-girlfriends are supposed to be mad at you. They're supposed to hate you. Your ex-girlfriend doesn't even count as a person anymore. Your ex, and i'm not saying because it's a girl it's it's like your ex is she's a shadow they vanish she's a shadow on a wall to both of you two you don't exist to her either you guys shouldn't exist to each other you're gone that is callous nothing just zero y'all are ghosts you understand that you don't exist you're invisible

she's dust in the wind you guys don't have a relationship so she's not a dead friend she's just a stranger she never existed yeah so she's dead dead implies that you had something that was gone so yeah exactly sorry are you mad at me you are you're you're a i don't know you yeah it's the equivalent of me walking up to someone on a grocery store shaking them and say how dare you yeah exactly yeah like i how dare you i don't know who are you who are you is what you would say so she says you hooked up with 15 girls at school you say sorry do we know each other and she says yes we dated for three years off and on. Give me my phone back.

All right, here you go. That's what you say. All right. Tough love. From Jake to you to her. What do you say? Grovel. Beg for her forgiveness.

She deserves better than that, you monster. You monster man. No, I mean, I was going to say, yeah, you got it. You nailed it. Which is, you don't owe her anything because she's you know jesus christ that's my fart dude that's my Jesus she's a fart to you farting is an owner of a broken fart uh is there any, and then I love the second question. How long is normal to wait to see a new person once broken up?

You know, being respectful and all. You don't have to respect anybody once you break up. Yeah, you can do whatever you want. You're free. Can you go straight to a next relationship? That's the best part of breaking up. Their feelings don't have to matter to you anymore. It's fine to respect somebody and like them and not want them to feel hurt.

But you don't have to worry. You're free. You're just your own person again. Yeah. But getting right into another relationship seems not, I mean, I guess it's not disrespectful. I just wouldn't recommend it. Right. It's not necessarily healthy.

I don't think you'd have fun doing that, but. Hey, what do we know? I mean, it is, it's weird to be like, I just got out of a relationship. When you break up with somebody, don't you feel like you've been out of a relationship for a long time anyway? Oh, because in your brain it's already been over for a while? Yeah. Especially this whole long distance, don't ask, don't tell. I'm surprised that thing didn't succeed.

That's usually a solid foundation of which to build any trusting relationship like by the time you break up with somebody i'm so over that person that well you've never been broken up with it's never blindsided you right have you been dumped no god no i mean i would never be dumped right um i've never been in a relationship where i thought things were going great and then they just ended abruptly. But you've been in the other side of that, maybe. Where I, oh, the person I'm with thinks things are going great. I still like you.

Why is this happening? Yeah, maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what would you know? You don't have any ex-girlfriends. You just have ghosts. Just, dude. R.I.P. R.I.P.

R.I.P. We just killed the club. All right. R.I.P. R.I.P. R.I.P. Rest in pussy. That's right.

Cool. Tochi. Thanks, guys, for emailing us in. That email address, if you have your own problemosos is if i were you show at gmail.com the g stands for google we never actually specified that y'all don't know that huh yeah google owns gmail uh-huh they're taking over the fucking internet so you could even if you do searches that's the same shit it's all part of the g google gmail chrome yeah that's all google yeah and i swear they make bank dude

if you have an if you have an apple iphone then that's google too now that's apple but like a lot of google a lot of google searches it's cash for them dude i know like i swear like google is free but they have cash you get money for searching google and let me tell you you don't get money they get money if you don't think that you think that You're not agreeing with the right parts of my sentence. I am. I totally agree. If you don't think

that Google Apple and Disney are all the same fucking company they're all clear channel. I swear. They really are.

Alright. Verizon. This is what I'm going to tell you right now. I know. This is a lesson for everyone to learn. Okay. I feel like you're stealing my actual lesson

The entire world is owned by six people Oh my god Rupert Murdoch, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet Barack Hussein Obama by the way And the rest What am I at? Four? Five is the Jews

What? So your your person is every jew yeah uh-huh um less moonves six and um that's it you said six seven you said six people all right and then you know five people and then two million people and then one more person who may or may not be jewish. Rupert Murdoch. Anyway, Google's stealing your cash. You heard it here third. We open and close every episode with new theme songs,

custom theme songs made to us by our talented fans. That first one was from Aria at musicbutt.com and this last one is from Grant Musser. See you next week, y'all. If you're at a party And mom's story's shoddy

When your girlies don't find it funny Your photo's making you look bad I could've been such a snitch To ask H.H. Willow and the Pansy out. When life gives you lemons, you make you, oh yeah, see you, what's the chillest thing to do? Oh yeah, get in your truck,

or bus, or car, or bike. Don't matter the weather when they give you advice If I were you Oh sheesh I'd know just what to do It's ace against lane Then the shout outs get a pay cut

The actual car is what we say to Probably be together forever It's shaking on here. It's about to get real. In here, this isn't our review. Woo! Loveline is no longer limited to the

coast-to-coast radio model. That's true, Dr. Drew. We are now global and on demand. Go to podcastone.com where you can download full shows right to your computer or phone and take us with you on your commute or even to work or to the gym, grocery shop, wherever you're going. Take it, download it. The same old Loveline show that airs nightly on the radio near you. They're all now available whenever and wherever you want.

The free Loveline podcast only from PodcastOne at PodcastOnePodcastONE.com. Yeah. What's the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only.