Segments - 95: Minnesota

Episode Date: August 14, 2014

In this episode we discuss new love, old photos, and dealing drugs. This BONUS THURSDAY episode is brought to you by MeUndies.com -- comfortable, affordable underwear. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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of help it's easy for everybody but i still like to have my hand held they even have ai at this point you can update written content product description or email with squarespace ai you can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right.

Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah.

Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squ of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments.

You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Let's just get started. This was a very awesome, awesome episode. Things got real for sure. But in addition to that, they got a little bit fake,

which I think you guys will appreciate. Let's get started. If I were you's about to begin, we're gonna hear from two very good friends, Jake and Amir. So lend them your ear, you won't regret it. You might regret it. You actually it if i were you show starts right now if i were you show starts right now michael schultz michael schultz ladies and gentlemen he's cool keep your eye on this kid he's a rising star he's not uh yeah i guess keep your eye I guess. Keep your eye on this one. Keep your eye on this one. Michael Schultz. He's just got that cool, like, Jason Mraz.

Like, when he plays a song, it sounds like he's smiling. Yeah. And it makes me smile. Keep an eye. Yeah. He's having fun with his music. Yeah. He's having fun with his music.

He's not letting his music have fun with him. Oh, you have notes. You're so musically dumb. It's a dialogue, Michael. It's a dialogue. You don't have any authority on this. Yeah, but I feel like guys who have a musical ear do have perfect pitch. You have perfect pitch? Give me a note.

I'll hit it. Okay. C sharp. C sharp. I do have perfect pitch. You have perfect pitch? Give me a note. I'll hit it. Okay. C sharp. C sharp! Another one. Prove me wrong. E.

E. E again. Huh? E again. E. You're at the rare least consistent. Thank you. I can't prove you wrong because I

don't know enough either thank you uh hey this is if I were you the only advice podcast on the interweb hosted by

us I'm Amir I'm Jake uh bonus Thursday up in this I guess it doesn't matter people are gonna listen bonus Thursday up

in here up in here y'all gonna make me post a podcast up in here up in here, up in here. Y'all going to make me post a podcast up in here, up in here. You all are going to make me act a fool up in here, up in here. For DMX, he was so worried about everybody making him lose his cool. Yeah, up in here. I really feel like he went there to lose his cool.

Yeah, I feel like he never had his cool. Right. One, two, meet me outside two meet me outside meet me outside like you just wanted that's what you were getting at from the beginning dmx you wanted us to meet you outside from the get-go yeah don't put that on me um cool should we uh no i think that's it you're you're in a dark place yeah what's the matter sorry what's gucci bud we got high yesterday and i haven't recovered oh we did get high last night didn't we let's save that for the break oh shit uh so how does the show work people email us uh in need of advice and we try our best to answer their emails

it's weird hearing it now wondering like what the hell else did we used to say i don't know well it's different every time yeah uh so these are real emails from real people and we are going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. So, do you have a fake name for this first email? Let's do Famous Stoners, just like us. That's what we're known for, right? We're in getting high comedies. Weeds.

This one comes from Cheech and Chong. Oh, both of them? Cheech and Chong. One guy named Cheech and Chong Oh, both of them? Cheech and Chong One guy named Cheech and Chong Yeah Writes Hey guys, I'm from England And on my way to moving to Australia

We visited family in Minnesota I matched with an absolute dime on Tinder And after two days of talking We hooked up I really like this girl And I have the option to go to university in Minnesota If I live in Australia It will be easier to fulfill my career of being a pilot. But if I come back, I'll get the girl, but have a harder time becoming a pilot.

Is this girl worth it? Keep in mind the sex was great. Any help would be much appreciated. Sincerely, Cheech and Chong. Cheech and Chong, you got it all wrong. Sorry, Cheech Marin, but you're a little bit too Karen. Oh, nice. And Chong, what's his last name?

Tommy Chong. Tommy Chong, I already rhymed with Chong. Don't do me wrong. Yeah, sounds like you're jumping the gun a little bit, Ace. I don't know, he did sleep with a girl. Should he not move to Minnesota for her? That's a decent idea. I remember when I slept with a girl, I wanted to move to Minnesota, too. Yeah, although she lived in California still.

Oh, I was on the run, on the lam, going ham. It's a little excessive to match with somebody on Tinder, sleep with them, no matter how good the sex is, no matter how much of a dime she is, to change your life goals and instead of living in Australia, live in Minnesota. The opposite of Australia. So you're from London on your way to Australia by way of Minnesota, and you're thinking, hey, fuck it. I slept with one girl here.

I'll live here now. I think this is me forever. This is where I can go to have sex. It's nice here in July. Certainly the weather doesn't dip well below, what, 70, 60 degrees? I can handle the cold. You are, you're all weather focused i'm just you know this is just a dumb move you're you're obsessed with weather from australia to

minnesota that's the opposite you can't have what it's gonna be so i feel like weather your weather alone so like in a way no matter who he slept with you would be like no the weather is bad don't move there oh yeah in addition to that yeah you Yeah. I'm just anti cold weather. All right. So imagine this happened in Southern California. He's on his way from, from London. I would think it's a slightly better idea. Really? Yeah. You just hating on Minnesota. No, no, no. I'm just telling nobody. I'm just telling him not to live there. I'm not hating on Minnesota. Just saying they have bad weather and no one should move there.

Minnesota's great. You're putting Minnesota on blast. The weather is atrocious. You're putting the whole state on blast. It's the cold. It is. It's an Arctic blast. It's a winter blast.

You're putting, okay. It's painfully cold. I'll put him on blast for sleeping with someone once and then saying that you want to be in a relationship with them. That alone is kind of insane. To be like be like okay we live in the same town we slept together now are we now should i be in a relationship with this person you're talking about moving somewhere for someone and putting your career on hold is this girl worth it uh does she even want you to do this if she found out she'd probably be like you're yeah this is a little too much this is like this on this girl's end it's like i slept with this guy it was all right but like you know he's in australia so it's kind of like

a no strings attached actually i've been thinking about it he's from I think I want to live here now. He's from England, though. Oh, very well, then. Same accent. I can only do one. It's either American or not American. It's either American or silly voice. So, yeah, I think I'll stay here. Oh, yeah, totally good, bud. Hey, Chimmy Oden.

Chim-chim-ity, chim-chimimity, Chim Chim Chiru Move to Minnesota to be with you Yeah, don't move to Minnesota You can be a pilot, you'll have plenty of sex that way Yeah, you're going to Australia to become a pilot I promise, you should have sex in Australia Then maybe you'll want to live there Yeah

At least try to have sex in two different places And then you decide The best is at the beginning of a relationship you can only imagine that it's going to stay that amazing forever and ever right you only ever think think about the good things yeah which right when you've had a tinder single tinder date that ends in boning you're like oh this girl's the best this is the best possible relationship yeah we'll just meet up have sex forever and i'll live my life in 10 orgasm yeah 10 orgasm in this dream state called minnesota in this miraculous city called saint paul you know they're actually from monomony monotony don't move to Minnesota that's the final answer

we'll say do not move to Minnesota you know what gets better for a girl I'm not like you not gonna put Minnesota on blast Minnesota's got it's perks it's great there three months out of the year arctic blast um all right now moving onwards on to the next on on to the next we'll never

talk about that guy ever again all right in our whole lives uh we need a lady's name is there a famous female stonesmith female stonesmith um ilana glazer broad city they're always getting high oh ilana glazer writes hey guys i've known my current fiance for a good part of a decade but we've only been official for less than a year. We recently moved in together. I know I shouldn't have, but being the nosy, insecure person I am, I went through his things one day and found a mountain of pictures of him and his ex-GF. Normally this wouldn't bother me, being that they've broken up for years and that these pictures are buried in the back of a closet, but I guess what gets to me is the fact that he's still friends with his ex gf on facebook and gmail and i'm not sure whether they keep in touch or not is it wrong to be jealous that he still has some sort of connection

with her even if it is minor i mean wouldn't he be furious if i moved in and brought a bunch of pictures of me and my ex and was still friends with them on social networking sites should i tell him that this bothers me or or is it immature and petty? Thanks, Ilana. What do you think? One, you can't be friends with someone on Gmail. So right off the bat, that doesn't make sense. If they had an email relationship, she'll be in his contacts.

Yeah, that's going to be there. Two, I think being Facebook friends, it's weird that what bothers her is not the real photos that he kept, but the fact that he's still Facebook friends with this girl. Shouldn't it be the opposite? Like, he can be Facebook friends with her because that doesn't mean anything, but keeping the photos

is bad? Yeah. Well, I just think this is always, like, a weird, slippery slope. Like, do you... Nobody ever thinks about their exes right that's not true it's just me you're doing the thing where you don't do something and so you assume nobody does yeah um i need to actually i need to get better at that what you have to think about your exes more no i need to start i need to stop saying grand sweeping statements because they like sound cool

because like i don't actually know what I'm – nobody does this. That's not true. Everybody does everything. But that's good. At least people are talking about it. You have to make vast generalizations. That way people react to it. That's exactly it. um for the most part i don't think like it's on his mind that he's got like

a stash of pictures hidden away in his closet and and like he's got these amazing little secret relationships on gchat and facebook like he probably is not thinking about it at all definitely less than you are right like when you break up with someone you put their pictures away and then you don't think about them anymore. Yeah, because in that moment you're like, oh, well, I can't just, like, throw these all away right now. It's too heartless. So I'll put them in the bottom of this closet. And then you're never going through your closet being like, it'd almost be worse if, like, right now, today, he was like, I need to throw away these pictures of my ex.

I have to get her out of my mind. Right. Which is true. She's not in his mind. That's why he hasn't thrown away the pictures. That's why he hasn't deleted her on facebook or gchat that's the weirdest part about breaking up is that you have to just like throw away all these precious things not precious anymore but they were it's like photos of you guys together that like were very touching and sweet you just have to put them

in a dumpster and throw them away right because they can't ever keep them they become garbage but they become garbage but they become garbage not in like the sense that they're worthless it's even worse than that because then like they become painful garbage for somebody that you end up caring about to see right like oh this is harmful toxic waste i should throw these away right now there's a there's a gift that one of my ex-girlfriends gave me. She took this photo of me in front of a nice natural setting and made it look cool and montage-y and framed it and gave it to me as a gift. And my mom still has it up in our house. And it's a little weird because this gift from an ex-girlfriend is up in my house but like it doesn't really make me think of her when i see it right but if i had a girlfriend now and she's like she for whatever reason knew that there was that

still that painting that picture of me up that my ex-girlfriend gave me she would be very upset yeah potentially but it doesn't really quite mean anything. It doesn't like, I don't keep it up because I still have feelings for this. I think all this stuff, yeah. But I think this all goes back to like, not how you feel, but how your loved one feels. Right. So if you had a girlfriend who found that out and she was like, it really bothers me seeing that. You're like, oh, it doesn't bother me at all. But like knowing it bothers you makes me want to get rid of it.

Like not that it matters either way. Right. It's almost worse. So I think the worst thing would be like, hey, I want you to get rid of that picture. And you're like, absolutely not. It's part of my past. And I still miss this person. In fact, I would still be with her if she didn't dump me.

Yeah. Well, maybe that's another thing that I have going for me is that I've never been dumped. Yeah. dump me yeah well maybe that's another thing that i have going for me is that i've never been dumped yeah so like there's not really any like there i don't feel any desire to hang on to anything because like i was the one that wanted things to be like let go in the first place but if somebody i mean i don't even think i have anything but if somebody was ever like hey i want you to get rid of these like old love letters from your girlfriend like I'm like, oh, yeah, sure. It was trash, so I forgot to throw away. Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, fine. But why did you keep it? Because I forgot it was in there. I also have my report card from seventh grade. But that doesn't piss you off, so you don't think that I kept it for some weird reason. Just because I dated my English teacher. I miss her. I think it'd be a different thing

because she mentioned like he would be hurt if i brought pictures when i moved in but like yeah if you like went through you found pictures of your exes pack them up and brought them to a new place it's such a it's a little more like if you just keeping them as one thing but taking them with you that's right that's where the guys had moved into a new house, then I'd be like, eh, it's a little weird. Yeah, you don't want to do that. He's just like a little hoarder boy. Do you have anything from ex-GFs that you're just like, I don't want to get rid of this, this is cool?

Not that I know of. There's a possibility that maybe one of my exes would have given me a book or something or like or a toy that i still have but even something like that i wouldn't even know anymore like i right it's not a disassociated so much so like the only thing i could imagine is like if i had pictures of an ex-girlfriend somewhere i'd be like i would be happy to get rid of those because i know that they like shouldn't be around really right but it's like i it's so far out of my mind so that's where that's just why i imagine this dude is this is why after a breakup you should just get rid of everything

the great purge throw everything away yeah actually you might as well preempt it just because your relationship is probably not going to last yeah odds are what are the what's the percentage of relationships that go not only through marriage, but that end up not even in getting a divorce? Right. It's probably such a small amount. Yeah. So throw everything away now.

So if you're in a relationship, throw everything away now, even though, quote, unquote, burn all the books. Burn all the books. Relax. Burn all the books. What if they're not even gifts from loved ones? We should burn books. Oh, you're saying even separate from anything.

Like in Fahrenheit 451. How did you know that? That was the one book I didn't burn. One book I didn't burn was Fahrenheit 451 because it made me feel like a real hypocrite. Burn all the books except for that one. So what would you tell this girl? I would say if the pictures are really bothering you, you could be like, hey,

stumbled across these. Yeah. Could you, like, I don't really like that you have them. And I'll probably be like, okay, I'll get rid of them. Right. I wouldn't go as far as being like, unfriend your exes on Facebook. Unfriend, like,

because then, your biggest concern is that the ex is in that person's mind and heart. And they're not. But as soon as you bring it up, as soon as you're like, delete them on Facebook, delete them from Gchat,

throw out that box, then they're swimming in memories of their ex which is your greatest fear and the one thing you want to avoid right actually if i were you i would just throw away the pictures myself i don't probably notice and see if he does notice yeah whoa what a social experiment yeah it's almost like a bigger deal to unfriend someone on facebook like if i unfriended one of my ex-girlfriends now on Facebook, it would be like, oh, I'm thinking about her still. Yeah.

To keep her, because that's a change. To keep her as a friend means I'm not thinking about her. Exactly. Throw the pictures away. Keep a friend on Facebook. Burn all the books. Burn all the books. Those are the three steps to being in a happy, loving relationship again.

So you're saying don't say anything? Don't say anything. Throw away the books. Throw away the pictures. Burn the books. That's an interesting thing. Throw away the pictures. He can't get mad at you.

Nor can he ever say that, like, I can't find them. You should just, like, clean out the whole closet. Be like, yeah, I got rid of, like, some of this old stuff. I donated some jackets. No, I threw away all the pictures of your ex-girlfriend because I don't know why you have those. What should we do for lunch? I'm thinking turkey lasagna. All right.

Next question. We need another male stoner's name. Another male stoner? How about Jake Hurwitz? I fucking love getting high i love smoking weed i love doing edibles and honestly if i could i would marry thc but you know you can't i the only reason i don't is because i know i can't of course you if you could marry the chemical that gets what does thc even stand for technically hot coolness

thc stands for technically hot coolness i should have said totally hot coolness yeah you wanna edit this should we edit that totally hot coolness the first thing I said totally hot coolness alright so Jake Hurwitz writes hey dudes I'm 18 and I'm about to be a senior

in high school over the summer my dad signed me up for improv classes and they started about a week ago since I can't drive yet my dad drives me to the place and stays during class so he can drive me home. My dad says that it looks like a lot of fun and wishes he had signed up for the class. Here's my problem. The instructor let him join in during the last half of the most recent session, and he was terrible. He brought down the mood of everyone there and just made for a less fun class. Improv just isn't for him. But he said it was so much fun that he was going to come with me next time with a check so he could join the class. Now, I don't want him to spend

$210 on this because I just don't think it's for him and I don't want to waste his money. I really don't want to sound like a brat as I'm very grateful for him to drive me there every week and pay for me, but I just don't think he should do it. as I'm very grateful for him to drive me there every week and pay for me, but I just don't think he should do it. So what should I do? Politely tell him he shouldn't do it or just let it slide and let him spend his money how he wants. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Love, Jake.

Oh, what a sad situation. Yeah, we've had a lot of sad emails, but this one's really sad. Sad dad emails. Yeah. Like, my dad wants to help me pick out the car remember this that was the season of cheese original yeah god just like a dad wanting to do improv with his son and being so bad at it and then he's like that was great i think i'll join your class that was really fun son i bet you had fun improvising with your old man, but you didn't know I had it in me, huh? Oh, I tooted my pants!

I'm going to save that one for next class. It's going to be a lot of fart jokes from your old man. Certainly you can't get mad at me. I am driving and paying for you. The funny thing is if this kid kind of sucks at improv and his dad is decent. His dad's killing it. My dad's like, improv is not for him. I'm the funny one in the class.

And everyone's like, yo, your dad's awesome and you're not that good. Nah, nah, nah, that's not it. So what would you do if your dad wanted to join in on your hobby? Well, see, this is where I think that we can get real. Like, I would probably be really happy now if my dad was like I want to try no I'd be really scared if my dad if we were doing a show

if we were doing a college humor live my dad said he wanted to try out five minutes of stand up I think I would be supportive of it well that's one thing but like if you wanted to be a part of our set yeah not even a part of your set but a part of your class like eight weeks of lessons i'd be thrilled i think that'd be really funny but if you're a senior in high school yeah of course well that's different you asked what i how i would feel me 29 year old jake i'm chilling that's cool my daddy

yeah you never you never want to do anything that I want to do. So now, sure, how fun for me, dad, for you to finally take an interest. So yeah, sure, I'd embrace that. I might point out that never in his life has he ever wanted to do anything I wanted to do. So that's kind of cool that you finally do, but I'd like an apology for all the past transgressions. But yeah, I think if this is kind of the opposite of what's going on in your life when you crash your dad's soccer games and he feels bad because you suck at soccer. Yeah. He thinks it's cool that I'm there, I think. Don't pass him the ball. He doesn't deserve the ball. Oh, I think. Don't pass in the ball. He doesn't deserve the ball. Oh, damn it. He'll sometimes tell me to come to practice.

He's like, you'll be skinned, so don't bother bringing a shirt. So I'll show up shirtless, ready to play, and I see that everybody is just blacks and whites, and I don't even have a shirt, either color. And it's like 38 degrees. Yeah, and he's like, oh, you can just run home. And then somebody's like, I have an extra jersey. And my dad's like, damn it! And like, it's...

But it's cool, because I think he's saying damn it that he's like, that he's making me borrow his friend's shirt, not that I'm playing. That's the saddest thing. I'm so sorry. This is... I think you can... First of all,

this kid's not like a total asshole. No. He's sort of aware that he's, that it's like. He doesn't want to sound like a brat. Right. And he, and he's grateful for the rides.

Yeah. I think you might be able to just be like, dad, I really appreciate the rides and I love that you want to do improv. I think it'll like throw me and take me out of this, like these scenes, which is something that I've learned in improv that I need to be like really present for take me out of this like these scenes which is something that

I've learned in improv that I need to be like really present for oh yeah that's good I think doing these scenes with my dad not that I don't love you not that you're not great at improv but I think us doing it together is going to rob us both of that rich experience I think you should take your own class after mine's finished that's a good good idea. That way you can say, oh, it's not that you're unfunny. It's just that it's going to negatively affect my experience. Yeah. And you know what? Get your license, dog.

You're 18. Then you don't need to worry about your dad driving you places. That's what fucked it up to begin with. Don't you see? If he didn't drive you, you couldn't see it. If I was even join my dad if i was 18 my dad was just in the room watching yeah watching like that sounds pretty improv practice seems very high stress like forced funny and then to have your dad watching that and then

like pulling up his jeans pants while he's walking onto the stage let me give this a whirl actually oh geez yeah sure i guess i see, he's been to every practice, so maybe he's down to just give it a shot. I also think when you're 18, everything that your dad says isn't funny. So you should look around the room and see if other people are laughing. If they are, then embrace it.

Yeah. I know a lot of cool dads, and then they have 18-year-old sons, or the sons are like, oh, just give it a rest, Dad. And you're like,'s fine it's funny he's cool no no no my freaking dad my dad sucks ass trust me actually you suck a little ass kid impossible you're thinking my dad probably just because i look like him uh him alright so tell your daddy that you want to

oh you should do something else with him but that your improv classes should be separate that way you can still hang out with him just not in such a very uncomfortable environment improv lessons alright, should we take a break? let's do it

stonerings highs highs and lows musings on marijuanas um well you got high yesterday yeah i think because i do it so infrequently when i do do it it hits me harder did you get like very stoned yesterday no i just have like cobwebs in the morning what do you mean like i feel tired? Yeah, I feel tired and heavy. What did you do last night after you smoked? I watched Terminator 2 with Streeter. It's like you're 17 now. Yeah, exactly.

Everything you didn't do then, you do now. Was it awesome? Yeah, it ruled. It was awesome. Shit, I should have stayed up. Terminator it ruled. It was awesome. Shit, I should have stayed up. Terminator 2 ruled. But the last time I got high, it was that indoor football game, and I got too high. Oh, yeah.

But you guys, you ate something. Yeah. How, like, edibles are the worst. Why does anybody want to feel that way? Because in theory it's good Because it's like oh I don't have to put smoke in my lungs So like it's healthier All I have to do is suck on this candy

But the problem is you don't know how much is in it Right if I have a joint I know like Oh okay I'll hit this like three or four times And I'll be fine that's good And then if I have an edible Should I spit it out now? Have I gotten the appropriate amount of THC? And also like, all I had was the Jolly Rancher size candy.

And after an hour, I felt fine. But then like after an hour and a half, I was so paralyzed. Like my body was vibrating. I went to go get food at a concession stand. And I was like, oh no no i don't know what to get so i ordered two hot chocolates i've never ordered hot chocolate in my life i've never wanted hot chocolate and i was just like two hot chocolates you gotta make up for lost time i've never had a hot chocolate but right now now I want to. Who orders hot chocolate at an indoor football game?

Who goes to an indoor football game? Not a lot of people, I will tell you that. Was it good? It was too much. The high or the game? No, the hot chocolate. Oh, the hot chocolate felt great at the time. Because in my brain, I was in a frozen tundra,

and every sip made me really happy. But it was not fun to be that stoned. Yeah, no. Never ever like feeling like that. Like the timing is terrible. If you suck on a Jolly Rancher, you're really high an hour and a half later. Yeah.

No, if I want to smoke weed, it's like an impulsive decision right then and there. Like, cool, yeah, I would like to be high in the next five minutes. Great. Not, okay, I'm going to do this. I'm going to suck on this now. And in two hours, I'll be dead for three hours.

I was dead for longer than three hours. I was done for the rest of the night. It was over for me. That does not sound was gone. I was done for the rest of the night. It was over for me. That does not sound like a way I'd want to spend my time. Uh, yeah, but it's, I guess it's more fun to eat something than to breathe it in. I don't know. No, it's not. We're discussing how it's not.

Well, I mean the act of it. Like I'd rather eat a cookie than smoke a cigarette. Oh, I'd rather smoke a cigarette than eat a cookie really but it tastes good yeah but like i i love the aesthetic of like passing a joint around and feeling like that paper between my fingers and smoking whoa whoa whoa you are advocating drug use right now drug use is legal here in minnesota uh yeah weed's basically legal at this point. Well, what's your relationship with it? I used to smoke a lot of weed when I was in high school.

That was your most? Yeah, when I was in high school and, like, I guess early college, I smoked the most weed. And which is what, every day? I probably smoked, not every day, but maybe, maybe like four or five times a week. In high school? Like after high school? Yeah, like after school. And I was like selling it a little bit.

You get arrested? Oh, shit. Did your mom know this? Did you tell her to turn it down? She knows. Well, my mom and dad caught me. Caught you selling it? Yeah.

I thought I told you this. I don't know if I know that your parents caught you dealing drugs. So I would buy like, I wasn't like a big time drug dealer. I would buy like an ounce, which separates into like 27 grams. You could sell a gram for like 20 bucks. That was the price back then. Now I think it's less. But so I would buy an ounce and I would

separate it into little gram bags you had a scale? yeah I had a scale and I had like a ton of little plastic baggies where did you get that? I don't want to put this dude on blast in case he's still selling it you know what I mean? but let's just call him Ricky the Weasel

which is not even close to his name so it was just this other kid in my school that was like his brother his like older brother was like moving larger quantities and he could like grab an ounce for me right so i would get that it was separated into little baggies i would weigh it all out and then i would sell it to like uh kids at school basically you could have been arrested i guess but i was never like traveling around with like ounces in my car it was like a little bit i probably would have just gotten in trouble i was also i was younger than 18 so i could have gotten in that much trouble but i kept it in like this drawer in my basement that i didn't think anybody ever

went into the basement drawer the basement drawer the forbidden basement drawer I didn't think anybody ever went into. The basement drawer. The forbidden basement drawer. How did anybody break the lock on your basement drawer? Nobody, well, here's what did happen. I went and I raked my grandparents' yard like a good little boy. I came home, I was

unbuckling my seatbelt and the next thing I knew the door was open and my dad was like, he'd never physically grab me, but he grabbed me by the shirt and he pulled me out of the car. Are you selling weed? He didn't just catch me

with a little bit of weed in my pocket. You're smoking weed. They caught me with that all the time. My mom would wash my pants. There was just weed or I'd come home and reek of it. So they knew I smoked. But my dad found the baggies, the scale, and $400. Oh, my God.

I'm definitely... I'm caught. I'm completely caught. But the worst thing was that he took a full ounce of weed. He ate it in front of you. you deal weed i want you i want you to look what it does to your old man he just started laughing and eating this is actually really chill i'd like to go into business with you son can we do this thing together but that was the worst part because i had like i had i needed to sell it to make my money back.

Like I was in the hole. Like I think I had split this package with somebody else. So it wasn't just like my money that was getting fucked with. I like needed to give this dude 200 bucks. Did your dad get that? Eventually I went to him and was like, I'm not going to sell it anymore. But like, I need to get rid of this. You have to let me have it back he's like

jesus and he let me he let you what he gave it back to me i needed to sell it he let you sell off the ounce of weed that you had i think he i don't think he knew that i was like selling it to i think he thought that i could get my ass kicked he was like uh you can give it back to the guy who gave it to you or something did they did it scare you enough to never do it again um i i can't remember if i continued to sell after that i think what the real thing was that i was only making i wasn't like making enough money for it to be worth like the stress and the risk yeah like if you're still raking yards for cash yeah and my friends were such little shitheads like they'd call me up like yo can i get a gram and i drive down to their house they'd come out

of the oh we only have like 14 bucks fuck you man dude ricky the weasel's gonna have my thumbs for that uh but then i like the real like i would smoke and i saw lord of the rings and king theod and he's talking about getting old and dying i was like oh shit my grandparents are getting old oh no everybody i know and love is gonna get old and then i was like these like 10 minute hyper freak outs or i'd like go to the concession stand at the movies and be like everyone knows i'm high everyone thinks i'm high everybody thinks i'm a weirdo so like it became less and less worth it to smoke weed because I would have like these mini panic attacks. And then at a certain point I started anticipating them too much and I would like give them to myself.

So I'd start thinking about things that would inevitably freak me out. So now it's just like I don't want to smoke weed. I don't want to like over. I don't need to be over analytical of anything. Yeah, you're already too neurotic. Yeah, there's no point. So I'll smoke weed to like relax-analytical of anything. Yeah, you're already too neurotic. Yeah, there's no point. So I'll smoke weed to relax me if I'm already drunk. But I don't think it would be very fun to sit around, eat, do an edible, and then lay on the ground.

It seems like most of the quote-unquote potheads that I knew, like the ones that got high a lot, telling them not to smoke doesn't do anything it like you have to smoke so much that they no longer like it right like those are the ones that actually stopped like oh i quit why because uh i just didn't like it anymore it wasn't fun it got boring right because it's at first it's cool so then you're like oh i want to do this it's cool and edgy even though it's not very fun at least i'm cool and then when you're like reach that age where you're like oh wait this isn't cool and i don't like it why am i doing this i think i'll just stop right but then there are other people who spend their whole lives yeah aka the president what yeah obama you don't think's fucking ripping a ghosty right now yeah a gravity Right now? Yeah. A gravity bong? Jesus. In the Oval Office? That's so pimp.

All right. That was our... Them's the break. Them's the break, indeed. One last question? Yeah. Ooh, this one's from a lady. Another stoner gal.

Not a problem. Good, then. There we go one time her name is jim brewer in a wig there's that there's gotta be another stoner chick uh stoner chick yeah i think we're missing like a really obvious, and everybody's going to get mad at me. Alicia Silverstone. Alicia Silverstone writes, I'm a 26-year-old accidental virgin. I say accidental since I didn't base this life decision around any religious reason, nor did I ever expect to be breaching my late 20s with that label still attached. When I got to college, I had decided that I wasn't going to have sex

until I felt like I was in a committed enough relationship that wouldn't have me ultimately regretting the decision. Now, don't get me wrong, I pretty much did everything else with guys, from random hookups to casual relationships, just not the full deal. So, eight years have passed since I started college, and little did I know I would be spending the first half of my 20s avoiding serious relationships like the plague. Now that I'm finally out of school and focusing more on my personal life, I've been dating pretty consistently and will most likely soon be faced with a dilemma. Do I tell the lucky guy that I'm still a virgin or will that completely freak him out? Love, Alicia Silverstoner.

I don't know, man. Would it freak you out if a girl you're about to hook up with said she was a virgin i might have some questions about it i might be a little bit nervous that happened to me a couple years ago i think that and did it make you not like the person it made me a little nervous because i was like this is a meaningful act to a lot of people who especially people who have been waiting even though like that could be wrong as it would be for a guy to assume that about this girl it's like maybe she's saving herself for someone special i hope she doesn't think i'm special and i'm gonna be like seriously committed to her can you just not say anything or is it noticeable well i guess it depends if her hymen is popped right or yeah because if there's blood

and it'll be tight she might need to tell them so it's like more gentle than uh sex with non-virgins tends to be so you do have to say, if she's still waiting for a committed relationship, maybe she might as well tell the guy that. Right. If you want it to turn into a committed relationship, you should start with being honest with somebody. Right. Could you just go to a

gigolo and just be like, take this burden from me? Remove this scarlet letter, sir. sir pound it away take my burden can you pop your own hymen with a vibrator probably a vibrator actually rests on your clit so a dildo is what you're talking about oh interesting vibrators probably can go in your vagina too it's just i'm thinking of like a rabbit or something uh so the question specifically is oh there's actually a follow-up is being a 26 year old virgin a deal breaker to the average

non-religious sexually active 20 something male would you be freaked out if your next girlfriend was a virgin i'm sure it's it's it's not a deal breaker not a deal breaker what would you be freaked out if your next girlfriend was a virgin i'm sure it's it's it's not a deal breaker not a deal breaker what would happen what would you do i i think if i went on several dates with someone and then like we were already getting to the point where it's like oh we're gonna like have sexuals then if she said that to me i wouldn't be like whoa get away from me no way deal breaker deal breaker deal breaker combo breaker we should get that game uh so it's not a deal breaker i think you can say it if anything it's kind of like it kind of will maybe help like oh you trust me more than anyone else ever that's true but then

a lot of guys don't want to be in that position where they're locked into something. They're like, wow, you are going to be inextricably, emotionally tied to me. Do you know how many girls' virginities you've taken? No. Would you guesstimate a percentage of your total ladies? Probably very little. Like 0% to 5% percent i don't know what uh yeah i don't know sure because most of them came later when everyone was sexually active yeah

right i so i think you you could maybe anticipate like these guys concerns which will be does this mean you're like I it's just a lot of responsibility to be somebody's first is there anything to not saying it no I think she should say it but I think she might also be like and I'm not like expecting you to like be my boyfriend and commit to me and like do all this I just want you to know that I am a virgin but right totally preface it by saying no pressure like yeah this is we're like a casual thing growing whatever i'm not trying to not that they should even have to i guess but like that would be my concern if i was dating if i was going on a couple dates with someone and it was like getting to that stage and they're like i'm a virgin i would be like my first thought is are you saving yourself for

someone special because i'm not special i'm a piece of shit so i would want that girl to be like i'm a virgin i know you're an asshole it's fine i just but just by you saying that you're a piece of shit you're an asshole you're already special because most guys are that and they don't think so oh yeah yeah so i'm special i'm cool i'm not asshole. Because you at least are self-aware enough to recognize that about yourself. Or am I so big of an asshole that I know that saying I'm an asshole puts me in sort of a better light than other guys? Dig deeper, you're saying. Dig deeper. There's a third turn where you're an asshole again.

You look in the mirror. I'm not there. You flip the mirror a little bit. There I am. It's a third dimensional me. But uh-oh, I'm still a piece of shit. This is like when I called you a peanut M&m like on the on the shell you're hard and bad but there's chocolate underneath you right though keep digging and you will actually you'll see the core is a

shitty little peanut that's me you're a peanut i'm a peanut m&m big and yellow oh yeah yellow because i'm a coward chicken chicken shit chicken schnitzel uh all right so let them know tell them it's okay right and i think as long as you're being clear about being a virgin like be extra clear about what you really want even beyond that uh yep cool great done next uh if you have your own own questions for us you can email them to if i were you show at gmail.com we also start and close every episode with customized theme songs written and recorded by our awesome fans that first one was from michael schultz and this last one is from Henry and James. Oh, also, I wanted to mention that Dave Rosenberg, our buddy, had a good idea.

That if there are any, like, talented visual artists as well as musical artists, you can create and send us a cool thumbnail image for our podcast. And whenever we post it to Facebook, we can actually use a customized thumbnail instead of using the same one over and over so if you have any ideas or if you think you want to take a crack at like making a new thumbnail for our podcast we'll use it when we upload it to facebook and people will be able to see it that way uh all right that's it see you monday everybody bye If I were you If I were you The podcast show is on

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