Segments - 97: Break Up

Episode Date: August 21, 2014

In this episode we discuss making the band, breaking the band, and taking demands. This episode is brought to you by Stamps.com and HuluPlus.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Back on it. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology?

Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly.

And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah.

But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com.

Oh, vision lifters. Yeah Visionlifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to Squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to Squarespace.com slash segments.

Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Let's get started. This episode was actually was real in a weird way. Yeah, it got there. It didn't start out real, but it got real. Yeah, but it eventually got real, for sure. So let's do it. All right. Yeah. Oh, Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye and try to seize that cheese. Catch yourself a down piece and an STD.

Swipe right all night, the pinch is bringing that sleaze. Hashtag dope, hashtag beast. I do believe Amir has done the math right. Numbers from chicks his friends got last night. Chill out, do things, we'll turn out alright. But first a quick blast, time to get real. Feeling a little coy, how do you feel? I goddamn come apart, I need a new deal.

If you're not a day one, how would you know? This podcast, internet advice show. Two dudes in love, hashtag no homo. Yo, that was really dope. Chris Leggett. I like that guy. Or as I call him, Chris Legit. Very Legit.

He actually submitted another song I'm just reading now At the end of the episode 71 with Thomas Middleditch And he wanted us to give a shout out To his Twitter account No chance in hell Maybe if we use your third really hard thing To do for us for free We'll give you a shout out

Until then you still owe us shit Of course not At Topher Leggett. L-E-G-G-E-T-T. L-E-G-G-E-T-T. L-E-G-G-E-T-T. That is what you do for me. I'm not as good of a rapper as he is.

I feel like if I was a rapper, I would be like that. Where it would sound super... That was very mellow, very chill. But it was sort of melodic too yeah it's like dynamite hack remember that oh yeah because the boys in the hood are always hard yeah that was their original that was their original song original but then it was then they covered it yeah well they made it they they thought of it actually um what is it called i they they arrived at it independently oh it was parallel thinking yeah

that's them and easy had the same idea for a song yeah i don't know who made it first i think easy may have recorded it 17 years before them but overall it was basically the same thing same ish have you ever like tried to rap like for real made a rap like if you really tried to make a rap song could you um you'd have to have someone else make the beats for you. No, I could do it all myself. Oh, you can make the beats and make a rap? I could do anything I put my mind to. I never have done it before,

but I could do it if I wanted to. I could do anything. The hard part is getting over the fact that it may not be funny. Yeah. Yeah. Because if you fail and it's also not funny, then it's really disappointing.

Like a real rap song. Like really then it's really like a real rap like really trying to rap like a real rap yeah i don't that sounds remember when we tried to record a rap song like seven years ago oh god and we recorded it and it was so we were so embarrassed yeah that we never released it of course not like it was gonna be uh i don't even know why you're talking about it what if we what if it finds its way somehow what if it surfaces now wasn't the idea like in an episode i made a rap song and then we just played it and it was like a music video i think that was essentially it the idea is definitely a good idea we like made a rap song in your fantasy yeah i was like we we liked like what flight of the concords was doing like oh we should just try to make a

rap song and then one of our episodes would be a music video. Yeah, that would be really cool. That's one thing we've never done. If we were musically talented. Yeah. Oh, well. Hey, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by me. No! He's Jake. And I'm Amir. We start and end every

episode with original theme songs. That one was by Chris Leggett. And if you have your own, send it to ifrushow at gmail.com. So how does this show work? What is this thing that we're doing? Episode 97. I've completely lost track of time. Yeah.

It's an advice podcast. Oh. Where people email us their questions, and we try to answer them. We're getting shorter and shorter every show i've like ruined you with this intro thing i can't i can't not think of it it haunts me i wake up sweating thinking of intros shorter trim them i say to what are we why are we here and when uh oh this is a bonus Thursday episode. We have episodes every Monday guaranteed without fail since we started. And sometimes cool sponsors bring us back early in the week.

That's correct. And we do it on a Thursday. Should we hop right into it? I guess why not? Because we have nothing else to talk about. We have nothing else to do with our lives but sit here and make a podcast. I'm going to read this email. It's a real email from a real person. I'm going to give him this fake name to preserve his anonymity

so that nobody finds out who it is. That's nice of you. Let's call this guy Balky. Oh. Balky. Got it. Hey guys. I'm a 17 year old who has been in a relationship for three years. I am going into my senior year of high school, and I haven't gone to a single party or get-together due to my girlfriend being extremely jealous and restrictive of who I hang out with.

She is perfect to me in every way except her jealousy. I can't hang out with any girls, and she hates the idea of parties and drinking, so I, in turn, am restricted. I love her, but I really want to experience high school and college to the fullest, and I know I'll regret it if I don't have these experiences. Is it worth

throwing away a great relationship just so I can go crazy for a few years? What do you guys think? balky bartokomis well gee whiz balky it does sound like you found the perfect one she is without flaw she is she is a diamond perfect to me in every way every which way except for her jealousy which is all-encompassing. Sure. And actually, you know, it's necessary that she enforces a few rules. Just a few. Nothing crazy.

But other than that, other than her far-reaching, jealous attitude in mind. That she rules over me with an iron fist and her conduct and her her puppeteering the way i conduct my life she is perfect to me what flawless skin does not have one giant zit what perfect day is not also marred by some sort of tragic instance or occasion she is the one for you she is perfect she just tells me that I can't have fun, go to parties, meet girls, talk to girls, and do anything like that. Other than that,

a great relationship. Should I throw it away just to have fun? Just to have a little bit of fun? For four, five, seven years? I mean, it's too late for you now. You've already missed the best parties, the best years of your life. I'm talking freshman, sophomore, and junior year of high school yeah you've reached the biggest time to rage i guess now that those years are behind you you might as well settle down yeah commit to your

what i can only assume is an amazing girl who just happens to have one little thing about her that she doesn't let you talk to anybody else who's a female right uh even if you were in a great relationship which you're not you're in a very obviously toxic one that's why we're joking we're having fun we're poking fun uh i would still say you should uh enjoy high school and college over that just because you can always find a great relationship after high school and college. That being said, your relationship isn't great. This is what we call a win-win situation. You end the bad, and then you're rewarded with more good. Yeah, end the bad, get the glad.

Yeah. That's how you describe it. You would be a good rap star. You really think so? I think I'd come up with good rhymes yeah that's true you are fast in that regard uh so here's the problem balky you met your girlfriend when you're 15 uh it's exciting to have a girl like you when you're 15 yeah and maybe because you've only had this one or or not necessarily one, but because I bet you haven't had a ton of experience with dating some people.

Yeah. We'll just let you know that your girlfriend is a horrid witch. She's a meanie. But maybe she doesn't know any better. To say you can't go to parties and drink and hang out with other people is a bad, bad person trait to have. That's not a nice one. That's what bad people do. Yeah, that means she doesn't trust you.

Well, maybe she doesn't know any better either. She's 15. She just assumes that, you know, I feel jealous, so maybe I'll just nip it in the bud. I will force him not to hang out with any girls. That's not nipping your jealousy in the bud. That is letting your jealousy consume you. Dude, I've got to cut this jealousy out, all right?

So that means you really should never go to a party. Doesn't she want to go to parties? No. Doesn't she want to talk to other guys? She must be so jealous that she would rather just... She's sacrificing. ...sit in her little locked tower and look across the turrets and see her little prince in another locked tower. And she's happy that both of them are missing out at the fun yeah as long as we're in this together i would say yeah don't be here

yeah you could find a girl who will also kiss you and then also let you talk to other girls yeah the big two is jealousy like more prevalent in high school or is i mean it's i guess it's around forever i think it's around forever you just deal with it better as an adult right like at first you're just like i don't want to do that so i'm just gonna make a rule where you can't do that well and then you realize this guy's gonna break up with her and he's she's gonna be like oh maybe i can't make up rules that make me a dictator. I guess you recognize that people are free. Yeah. Like this type of jealousy sounds insane to us because we're so far past it.

Like you're not allowed to go to any parties. Obviously, that's fucking crazy. Yeah. That's so weird. How do you get into that? Like, how does she say that? And you're like, OK. Maybe she like started off like little by little.

Like, oh, don't go to this person's party. Yeah. I just don't like and I don't like when you drink so like i'm not gonna go to parties i'm not gonna drink the final i go to this party and i'm not gonna drink like no yeah now i'm nervous that you'll drink if you go yeah cheat on me but i was saying like in relationships now i feel like people like a big thing is um oh you you can't talk to this one person that like makes somebody jealous. Oh, yeah. It's a lot more of a sneaky jealousy.

Like I'm not, you never be like, oh, don't go to this party. But you might be like, oh, when you like talk to this person, when I hear you and like this person communicating, I get jealous. Right. I remember getting in trouble once in a relationship because I was talking to a lady in the same party as my girlfriend. And I was so confused. I was like, wait, why are you mad at me? She's like, you were flirting with another woman. I was like, I guess I was talking and joking,

but I didn't think that I was cheating on you and I could get away with it. We were on public display. You're here. So that's a little more of a gray area is that okay to say that you don't like that that you don't like your guy flirting with other girls i don't know i guess it's always okay to say anything you feel just i think you have to say it knowing like without an expectation like if your girlfriend was like um hey i saw you flirting with that girl and you're never allowed to do that again all right like okay uh quiet i think i i think my reaction is bad i i thought i construed that

as flirting and it made me feel bad then you could be like i'm sorry it wasn't and i don't know right like if you saw a lady friend of yours flirting with a guy can you say no can you grab her wrist and say no to that i think well the difference is can you yank the leash if my lady friend was flirting with a guy i can grab her wrist and say no and if i flirt with a girl i'm a pimp why is that fair yes all men hashtag no all men i think i don't know i it's flirting such a gray area too because you can like sometimes it's sort of empowering to be like oh like i'm gonna watch somebody flirt with somebody or i'm gonna flirt with someone and like know that i'm off limits and like right also people certain people like aren't uh flirty inherently but other people like i don't really

know how to talk to people if i'm not joking all right if i'm sorry if i'm charming always and to everyone is that flirting well that is considered like when you like are joking and laughing i guess that's like what people would call flirting but to me i think it'd be more intimate if like i was sitting down and having like a conversation where i wasn't joking with someone right if i was having a serious yeah it's like uh shit jake's letting his guard down for somebody that's not okay yeah what is it like to talk to someone and not make a joke i guess i'm flirting with everyone i meet guys girls older younger yeah i don't know dude if you want me you got to have the whole package that's what i tell my ladies that's why you're you never have yeah yeah

i'm single yeah yeah because early on i'm like babe if you want all this there's a lot of shit that comes with it and she's like all what and i'm like i'm pointing my body and then she starts sort of giggling to herself and i say why what's so funny you don't want this she says no not really i'm like well if you did she said i don't like well you gotta there are some rules and regulations that you gots to deal with and she's like i'm not i'm not even interested with the baseline let alone the added value. Leave me alone. Yeah.

And then you're like, well, wait, I'll change for you. Yeah. I try to twist, like, if you want dessert, you got to get dinner. But they look at me and they're like, that's not dessert. You're broccoli. I don't want you or dinner or dessert. You're not even food. Yeah.

You're a rock. So it's like, to to them i'm saying if you want to lick this rock you gotta you gotta eat ice cream and they're like no i'd rather just not lick the rock yeah just leave me alone yeah so that's that's me uh so if i were you what would you do with this lady this guy i think you should break up and have uh a year it's going to be more than a couple years of fun you can have 10 years of fun right you'd have a lifetime of fun yeah when you go to parties you're going to realize holy shit i would have missed out on a lot yeah and you might even be lucky enough to meet a girl who's going to let you go to parties and go to parties with you and not and trust you and not be jealous and uh

restrictive and the more the more doable thing you could do, if you really love this girl, I'm rolling my eyes, as you can tell by my slurred, slowing speech, then you can tell her, listen, I want to be with you and I also want to go to parties. Yeah, I guess you can lay it all out. So take it or leave it. Right. I guess, I mean, not that she necessarily deserves it, but you could always just tell tell her the new rules which are that she doesn't get to make rules for you yeah if she doesn't like to go to parties and she doesn't like to drink you would never say hey you have to come to the party and drink yeah just the same way that she shouldn't say you can't go to the party and you can't drink never impose your ideology on

other people here we go as a general rule hi i'm general'm General Rule. We should have that, like a cartoon guy, like Captain Crunch. That should be our next guest. Yeah, General Rule. And what was your... Theodore Leslie. Yeah, Theodore Leslie and General J... Would you do the Theodore Leslie voice again? I don't know if I can do it exactly, but it's...

I forgot all right. Gay skeleton. Oh, it's crazy. It's just absolutely insane. Is that it? I don't know. Oh, it's crazy. It's just absolutely insane. Is that it? I don't know. Oh, shit, honey. I don't think so.

All right. Next question. This one comes from, actually, this is kind of cool. It comes from someone named Cousin Larry Appleton. Wow. Yeah. Very cool. I'm excited to see you read the third and the fourth question.

I already loaded Wikipedia. Don't worry. All right, good. Luckily, well, we'll get to it. Hey, guys. Cousin Larry Appleton here. Pretty cool. I matched with a girl on Tinder months ago,

and she was nice and decent looking. We kept talking for a couple months on Snapchat, Facebook, and WhatsApp. She was cute and kind of funny and got me. I started to think maybe this could be more than just a hookup thing. I told her this and she reciprocated. Fast forward to some weeks and we both happen to be in England visiting family. We both live in Hong Kong. And agree to meet up for a date of sorts. We meet in a mall and I see her and she's not as attractive as the photos. We had a deece time but I no longer Oh no. But we can still talk without giving away my reasons of her not being as attractive as I thought she would be. Oh, no. Love, Cousin Larry Appleton.

That depresses me. But isn't that a common thing with online dating? Like, you see pictures and you're like, oh, this person could be attractive. And then you meet up and they might not be as attractive. The photos that I choose, that one would choose, are the most attractive photos. Yeah. Well, I guess the trick is to keep it. Those are the seven most attractive frames of my existence.

You can't see me like that always. Well, but I mean, you're also like, I don't think you would choose a picture where you're like, this is such an attractive picture of me that it straight up doesn't look like me. No, but they can be like, oh, this, I mean, there are people who are better looking in photos than they are in real life that's fair i guess the trick is to keep it light leading up to the date there's no there's no sense in like promising a relationship and more than a hookup before you've even met her yeah because she's funny on snapchat and she got you that's the uh does somebody get you over snapchat you're talking about we're talking on facebook snapchat and WhatsApp, and she gets me.

Well, you can tell. You know a good text message. Oh, this girl's good. This girl's good. Yeah, but you never, like, she gets me. She gets you on a... Oh, this girl's okay. Yeah, we could have banter, and I shared some stuff.

Banter. There's no such thing as getting somebody over WhatsApp. Well, especially when she's lying about her physicality but that's a lesson that he can take to the next girl he wants to know what he should do with this lady right now i i mean like you what you've met up once and you're like talking on these apps just fade away dog the old fade away the jake hurwitz two the two artists of fadeaways are michael jordan and jake hurwitz yeah dude yeah so what's your fadeaway yeah i would yeah you you let one one medium of communication disappear oh entirely cut off whatsapp boom so like there we go right off the bat the three-headed monsters

down to facebook we're responding more rarely more rarely and then we'll just leave it at snapchat oh down to snapchat we're looking at rarely, more rarely, and then we'll just leave it at Snapchat and that's fine. Down to Snapchat. We're looking at like a photo like in Back to the Future, the people are just starting to disappear entirely. Two Dodge Techs

at a bailed hangout and you're good to go. That's it. That's it. Three strikes and you are literally out of her life. And I think you say, like you bail on a hangout

and then you say, I'm so sorry, I'll hit you up when I'm free. Oh, so the ball's in your court, and you never hit it back. You steal the ball, and then you call the game. Yeah, like a little obnoxious kid brother who's playing ball boy at a tennis match. You grab the ball, streak across the net, and then just keep running. That's it? Yeah.

I think that's the move. What do you say, though? It's like you're playing tennis, and then instead of hitting the ball back you grab the ball and run off uh yeah i guess that's the best or sorry most cowardly way to get the job done but does he get the job done yes and also i think at least her feeling is a little bit intact she's confused rather than hurt you know how they say honesty is the best policy nah fading away and lying is the best confusion keeps them happy or at the very least not upset yeah what's better the blunt honest truth or the uh the societal fade away which sort of everyone agrees is just masking the truth

what's the blunt honest truth like hey i'm sorry i just like i wasn't feeling ugly when we met no it's like sorry uh i was i i wasn't feeling it when we met in person as much as we were but you're a great person uh thanks so much for your time bye i don't know i'm not sure what i would rather have well i think i would rather have the confusion because it wouldn't confuse me i've like played the game enough to be like okay you get it that's it yeah that was her saying that she doesn't like me right two dodged texts and a bailed hangout yeah okay i get it it was letting me off nice and easy i guess if she's not i don't know i would give her the benefit of the doubt and let her, and assume that she knows how dating works these days. Yeah.

And to be like, all right, sorry, I can't hang out this week. But if she persists and you can tell that it's like causing her some type of real anguish rather than like, because confusion, I don't think like really, like, oh, where'd he go? Fuck it. It doesn't matter. He sucks. That's what I imagined any girl who I vanish from. That's how you sleep at night. That's how I sleep.

You just assume that she hopefully has 12 other guys. I don't sleep at night. I stay awake in bed. Knowing full well. Contemplating my life decisions. Yeah. And knowing, well, I don't have to worry about having a nightmare because I am the monster. Absolutely.

Your life is a waking nightmare. I am the demon. You don't have inner demons. You are a demon. am the monster. Absolutely. Your life is a waking nightmare. I am the demon. You don't have inner demons. You are a demon. You are an inner demon for somebody else. That's right. So have you ever been faded away on? Probably.

Have you ever been hated or discriminated against? I have. What is it? I've been protested and demonstrated against. I don't know. Yeah, probably. i can't really think of it right now but well what about that lady that you met once on tinder and then you messaged her and then she didn't respond for a month and then you messaged her again don't you have a funny oh yeah well i never met with her. Right. She, we matched on Tinder. Yeah. And she was really hot. And I was like super excited. We, I messaged her.

She didn't really, she didn't respond for a little, or no, she messaged me. I don't know. We had like a back and forth conversation. And then I asked if she wanted to meet up and she didn't respond. Yeah. So I just let it sit for a month. And then a month later I responded. Is that a yes? Yeah.

I feel like you're good at that. Waiting the good amount of time and then making a joke. Has that ever resurrected the defibrillator text? A couple of times. Getting someone off a relationship off life support. Yeah. I would, I'm not like never

to like much success but i feel like uh i would if like something was fading away or if on tinder like somebody didn't respond to my first message i would just like needle them in a funny way right because you're already at zero right like there's no going down it's like wow sorry you don't believe in love all right like i can take a hint let's get a drink uh but like i don't know i don't think i've never been faded away in like a way where i was like oh i thought that date went really well right why don't you want to see me again why we're not going to see each other again like all that stuff is just messaging back and forth that like never actually turns into anything either way that's the advice i think fade away unless you can sense

that she's going through turmoil in which case tell her not the truth truth but a light version of the truth like i wasn't really feeling a connection when we met up but i would love to be friends right that's then it's like maybe she'll be like oh thank you i appreciate the honesty at least what do you think uh i would say it's good to be honest if you can muster up the courage. But if I were you, I would probably do the fadeaway thing too just because it's – I like to avoid confrontation because it benefits me. You were making fun of me for choosing fadeaway. You were like, oh, yeah, vanishing is a better thing to do. Yeah.

Yeah, I would do that too. Oh, yeah. Just because I make fun of you for something doesn't mean that I'm not at fault, too. It's just easy for me to also... You're the monster of my dreams as well. Yeah, I throw stones. And I'm not just a glass house. I'm a glass human.

I'm a glass man. I'm a Mr. Glass. So you can kiss my glass. Don't worry, my heart's not made of glass because I don't have a heart. I am a heartless, glassless, translucent being. Glassless, assless, deaf, and dumb. That's right. All right.

Making it happen. Okay, so we've killed two relationships so far. Onward to the third. We are just slaughtering, slaughtering love right now. Let's call this person Jennifer Lyons. Wow. Boring name. All right.

Jennifer Lyons writes. Oh, wait. It's a guy. Let's call this guy Donald Twinkasetti. You remember that character, Donald Twinkasetti? I barely remember Larry and Dalky. Hey, guys. Long long time listener first time not given a shitter any whore here's my dilemma i've been in a band stretch i've been in a band for

about a year now with my friend who plays guitar and his girlfriend who plays bass and sings bass oh i'm a loser for that and his girlfriend who plays bass and sings. And me, I'm the drummer. We've had about 12 gigs and all is well. Actually, all is not well because my friend's girlfriend's voice sounds like a gecko being strangled by a rusty pipe. I've brought it up to my friend and he agrees with me.

We've actually tried to push for a new singer but she throws a hissy fit every time. And one time she actually left the band. She's back now, but she left the band, which is very selfish. If you were me, what would you do? Thanks, Donald Twinkasetti. Wait, what does she do in the band? She plays bass and she sings.

Oh, so they need her. Yeah. Because she plays the bass. Yeah. That's funny. So it's like we almost, it's almost good that you got rid of her. Well, they need a singer. It's just funny that the friend agrees, like, listen, I know my girlfriend sucks,

but whenever we broach the subject, she throws a hissy fit. You think the hissy fit would cause the end, but no. Right. It's still happening her quitting the band is almost almost fixes the problem yeah if she throws one more hissy fit and wants to leave that's it that's problem solved be like okay fine we'll find a new singer and a new bass player how hard can it be or a bass player as i called it uh what would you do i like he also said that she left the band but now she's back.

Like, can she force that? That's right, bitches, I'm back. Aw, damn it. All the best artists are emotional like that. You have to understand. Yeah, like, especially bassists, they're here today, gone tomorrow, and then here again the day after.

So what to do? I guess if you tell her one more time, if you sit her down and have a conversation with her, whether she throws a hissy fit or not, it seems like she should be out of the group. It's two against one. That's the joy of having an odd number. It's not like a partnership.

Just record yourself and play back. Do you hear that screeching? That's you. Yeah, nobody wants someone who went through a fit a hissy based fit actually i would i would categorize it as a hissy fit yeah it's also hissy fit is what uh what it sounds like when she sings the choruses of her songs gecko with a rusty pipe uh the real problem would be if the friend didn't agree with you but as is it as it is right now he's on on your side. Right. Which must be really weird

on their relationship. Yeah. Anyway, that was weird, babe. What movie should we see? Sweetie, I love you. Your voice sounds so bad. We love you playing the bass. We just want another hot chick

to come sing. Oh, that's a good compromise. Stay as the bassist. Let's find a new singstress. Well, dude, it doesn't matter that she wants to be there. She doesn't want to.

No one wants to play the bass. We want her to try to sing she was a singstress for the band yeah I mean I've been in a lot of relationships where the lady doesn't think I'm a good singer I got over it because I'm a bad singer well you've never been in

ballerina you're actually pretty good you've been with a lot of girls that are talking shit you can sing you got pipes why do you think i fucking threw them to the curb you said that you got over it they all dumped you yeah and then after i got over it i kept him on the curb well i think she this girl must just like being the singer she she's probably jealous she wants she't want to just be the bassist in the corner. She wants to be front and center.

Well, here's the good thing. One, you're not dating this girl. You have no allegiances to her. Two, your friend, it seems like he's down to choose the band over her. You've got to straight up move her to bass and find a new singer and say, this is the, them's are the breaks.

Don't let bands, people in bands start like new bands all the time. Like, hey hey we're like jamming with this other person too well we still like this band it's still cool but we're gonna take on this other project with a different singer and that's gonna be fun as well yeah or or sing write a song that only a guy can sing if a girl is the singer of a band are all the bands from the point of view of a woman um no they're all i wasn't it like um what's it called rilo kylie has um was this a female singer a male song right or a male the guitarist is male and he i know he like writes some songs so like sometimes when

she's singing it's like still from the point of view of a guy like she's like saying oh i miss you baby i wish she would just come back trying to think of like one of those songs but yeah it's like um it's about a it's she's like singing it to a girl so he they should just write songs that she would not feel comfortable singing perhaps something that's racially motivated perhaps something against the ice bucket challenge oh yeah yeah take a stance against like perhaps a pro ferguson police marching song or something that she feels just emotionally unable to perform christ yeah that way you sort of maybe like she'll embrace it and then you'll know for a fact that she is she loves it cutting out yeah and then if she embraces it say it was

a trap just to see if you would take the bait you're out of the band uh you can kick her out of a band or you can start a new band if you kick someone out of band or if you take the only other member and start a new band it's the same thing right i don't know there are no rules it's a band yeah is it is it a new band at that point or is it the same band with a different singer i don't know these guys sound like they're like 17 years old anyway how good is their band they've had 12 gigs have they that's what he says all right by the way good for you guys the guy the guy i uh mentioned uh danny twinkasetti what was his name yeah danny donald twinkasetti uh is played by um the actor ernest sabella who did the voice of pumbaa in the lion king mr carosi from say by the bell the beach years what that guy wow yeah so i don't know

unrelated but awesome note g flat an unrelated but awesome note oh didn't someone say you sang a or e or c sharp somebody said somebody tweeted at me i think two people tweeted at me that i that i sang a c sharp yeah but my e was flat you said you had you said you had perfect pitch yeah and then i said sing like a c and then you said you said sing a c sharp and i C sharp. So let's do it again. D. All right. Oh, wait. Here. Okay. D. Um, shit. Yeah, wait.

Give it to me again. Okay. Should I say the same letter, or should I say a different one? Um, whatever you want. Okay. D. D. B flat.

B flat. Oh, no. I was saying B flat on your D. Huh? Your B flat. What? Oh, you're saying B flat on the D? You want a D flat?

Yeah, D flat. B flat on the D. Of course, of course. Yeah, yeah. Now B sharp on your D. My head exploded. B sharp. F that.

A sharp D. F that. F that, that F flat. Let's move to a flat. And B sharp. B sharp on your F sharp. All right let's uh take a breaky poo a little breaky poo thank god thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl is back that's correct and the best part of football season is checking

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You're a fan of gambling in general. Yes. And I do have an affinity for the silver and black. So if you like football as much as me, which is not likely, because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action passes like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the draft kings pick six out select between two and six players for you to

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Take this survey, and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Fine, go. What do you want to say? Anything?

Yeah. It doesn't matter, right? It's more fun when I'm interrupting you. You're taking that away from me. All right. What else? What else should we talk about during this break? We are dangerously close to going to London.

Oh, my goodness. For two shows. And the tickets are dangerously close to being sold out, actually. So, please, if the podcast, The Late Show, is not sold out yet, it will be very soon. And there's still a few more tickets available for the early show. That's at 7 Monday, September 8th. Then we're going to Manchester and those shows are already sold out. So fuck off.

That's crazy. We're selling out cities we've never even been to. How do they even know? How do they know who we are? How do they get this show there? We haven't even been there. What? You put it on the internet. What are you talking about? Is this web worldwide?

You're a constant self-promoter. You bought several billboards in the area. You even flew there yesterday, by the way. So don't say you've never been there. You flew there yesterday with a megaphone and canvas. You're handing out leaflets in the streets of Manchester. So please, come on out uh information on jakeandamir.com and if i were you show.com um we're also going to berlin after just for chill yeah that's just like a chill zone so we should def hang there just to hang if you all if y'all have any tips or tricks it's like a video game level if you have any tricks to beat berlin uh let us know if there's

like a secret has the boss we can't beat berlin how do you beat the boss of berlin uh yeah that'll be fun too yeah um got anything else you got milk i have milk fucker you want to nipple me jesus i have a weird reference all right let's get let's just fucking get back to it then ass all right uh we got one last question without you uno. Okay, this is great. We're gonna be fourth question. Real email, fake name, Harriet Winslow. Sound familiar? That's right. A spin-off.

The mom from Family Matters was a character in Perfect Strangers. Before Family Matters. Before Family Matters. Why did they do it that way? I don't know. Was the character so successful that they wanted to give her her own family? Clearly not.

Was it just a way of trying to segue, like, siphon perfect Stranger fans to be like, Hey, look, this is almost the same show. Keep watching. Keep watching. And now you like Family Matters. And she wasn't even a big part of Family Matters. No, not at all. It's not like Urkel worked there.

Right. It was all Carl and Urkel by the end. Yeah. It's as if there was another show after Friends called Cunningham, and Gunther was the uncle in it. There was Joey. Yeah. But this is even less of a thread than that. I would have watched Gunther.

Yeah, I'll watch a fucking Gunther spinoff right now. I don't give a shit. I'll watch seven seasons of Gunther. How many seasons of Joey do you think there were? One. So, over under 20 episodes of Joey? I guess I think there were 22 episodes. Overall.

Joey, looking up on Wikipedia, there were, ready, 46 episodes of Joey. That's pretty successful. It's two seasons of Joey. Yeah. Good for Joey. Good for Joey indeed. God, how sad was the series finale of joey when joey finally got it when

joey's finally yeah he ate the turkey yeah yeah god that's so sad i'm gonna read the log line for the last episode of joey and then i'll ask the question after alex gets really excited about planning the wedding joey thinks she might she wants to get married however it turns out she doesn't want to get married ever michael thinks he's the best man even though jimmy asked joey jimmy and gina both get cold feet before the wedding that's the last episode of joey where the hell's ross so ross is just straight up not in joey i was sure Ross and Chandler were on this show. Just that Joey was the be-all, end-all of sorts. All right. Harriet Winslow writes,

Every day I eat lunch in the same deli. I sit alone and just skim through my emails. I often have different guys sitting next to me and talking to me, but today I really hit it off with someone. We both blew off work. I'm a writer. He's in finance. And spent all afternoon drinking together and talking. I had an amazing time. There are two problems. I have a

boyfriend that I've been with for a year. He's a great guy, but we've never had any sexual tension. And our intimate life has always felt pretty procedural. He moved away a few months ago, and being in a long-distance relationship hasn't helped matters. The other issue is that the guy I met with had a date planned this evening, and he went ahead with it. I'm not a dick. I'm in a relationship, and if he had a date, he should go on it. But the girl in me would have liked if he canceled to stay out with me. My question is twofold. Should I break up with my boyfriend if I'm thinking so seriously about dating someone else? And two, should I

potentially date this new guy? We really seem to connect. Thanks. Love every episode. Sorry for the essay. Harriet Winslow. Miss Winslow. Miss Winslow, you are low. It's funny

how she mentioned that thing, just apropos of nothing. She's like, I met this guy. I like him. I have a boyfriend. Should I ditch my boyfriend? Also, something he did really irked me in a way. He went out on a date, which is fine.

Anyway, should I ditch my boyfriend? Which wasn't fine. He went out on a date, and it's okay, but I'm a little pissed he didn't cancel for the taken girl he met at the coffee shop. I think he should have canceled his date and put all his chips into the basket of this girl who's still not completely sure that she should break up with her long-term boyfriend for him. Right, yeah. I think him going out on the date was all right. I think that's fine. That's kosher.

He's not cheating on you i think if that irked you try to find a headspace where it doesn't search your your mind body and soul to just be at ease with that you're already jealous yeah you're already in a bad relationship with this guy she's actually actually put her foot down and said that he can't go on any dates until she makes a decision there's any drinking or parties involved. Yeah, my God. You don't understand. This is all fucking one person.

So, for sure break up with your boyfriend. Really? If you're already getting jealous of other guys for going on dates. Not even just having crushes, but full on going into angry, jealous girlfriend mode with strangers at the cafe that you're at. Could you imagine her explaining to her boyfriend why she's in a bad mood? Like, you sound upset, baby. Oh, it's dumb. I just...

Oh, I met another guy. What? And he's going on a date with another girl. Did I mean nothing to him? Sorry, wait, what are you talking about? Baby. I'm jealous of another guy. What? Yeah, it sounds like you're not in a good enough relationship to especially deal with being long distance. She's like, it wasn't that good before you were long distance.

The sex was bad, and now you're long distance. So it seems very unsustainable. I like that she describes sexual tension as a good thing. She's like, we've never had any sexual tension. Tension's kind of a good thing. Yeah, but usually that's a negative thing. There's sexual tension. No, tensions... Sexual tension's hot.

It's like, oh, there's sexual tension that's boiling over. Yeah, yeah, I guess that's true. I always thought of sexual tension as a negative. It's not... I don't think it's a negative. It was weird to hear described in the context of a relationship, because sexual tension as a negative it's not well i don't think it's a negative it was weird to hear described in the context of a relationship because sexual tension to me is what happens before you have sex and it's well and it usually is like there's sexual tension here because i'm not

supposed to sleep with this person but i want you like sexual tension is probably what she had with the guy right in the cafe but she'd never had that with his with the other guy with her boyfriend she just doesn't have a very passionate relationship with her boyfriend there's no sexual chemistry yeah that she would have preferred so why doesn't she for the third time this show break up with your significant other we are the relationship executioners but definitely break up with your with your boyfriend i wouldn't necessarily say you're ready to jump into a relationship, especially if the jealous variety with the stranger from the coffee shop who had a date that, uh,

didn't can't that he didn't cancel. But I think she's only going to break up with her boy. If she wants this, like this guy is the only reason she would break up. She just wants a guilt free reason to be with this guy. I think you should just like, yeah, but then if you're doing that,

you're just searching for reasons to break up and you already found it. Like, but there's always like, I shouldn't say whenever, but like once I was at the end of a relationship and I had a crush on another girl. And I was like, does this crush cause the end of the relationship? Or was I already so over it that I was able to have a crush? I think an ending relationship is a long, dark tunnel and a crush is like a light at the end of it you're like wait look there's hope after this relationship that i can feel new exciting feelings for for somebody and i could learn about them and we could fuck and it will be beautiful yeah and this person has everything that i don't have with my current person because i don't know this person very well right she's a stranger which is good i think i think crushes sort of serve to show you uh what

you can have if you get out of the bleak relationship but if i know people really like i think it's hard to meet somebody in a coffee shop one day that is going to be like make you question your whole relationship i feel like your relationships on the rocks and questionable if somebody can can like go in that easily and mess with it. End it. Agreed. Then it's agreed. Let's swing the axe of the relationship executioner.

We need a guillotine. Any final words? Yeah. This relationship doesn't sound very hot and heavy, exciting and fun. And you're in a new place. Enjoy your life. Chase after this guy who went out on a date who was probably the best date of his life.

He was so charged after that cafe thing that he was just like a better version of himself. He got along. It was perfect. She finally breaks up with her boyfriend and this guy from the cafe shows up raining at his house. Doesn't even remember her.

Babe, I just wanted to thank you. You made me realize how much i love this girl that i went on a date on i love her more than i could ever love you maybe we can double date me the girl that i'm in love with you your boyfriend how are you feeling by the way you ate a lot of egg salad when we were sitting at lunch yeah you must have ordered three egg salad sandwiches no no i just i i was one but it was really big jesus it must have been the equivalent of god three glasses of mayonnaise and close to 24 hard-boiled eggs yeah you still have some egg in your teeth my god anyway i gotta run eureka eureka of eggs eureka of eggs uh so

that's that that's three dumps and uh one other question i forget. Three dumps and wasn't it the band one? Oh, yeah. Three dumps. Three dumps and a kick your girlfriend out of the band. I think we can call that a perfect game of four dumps. If I were you, listen to these two guys, that'll die alone. That's it. If you have your own questions, ideas, theme song submissions, or we're also accepting

new thumbnails for our podcast itself so that when we put it on Facebook, we have a nice new image with every episode. The email for everything is ifirewshow at gmail.com. The opening theme song was recorded by Chris Leggett, and this closing one is from someone named Zoe. So thanks, Zoe. Thanks, Chris. Thanks, you guys. Thanks, everybody.

Thanks, thanks, thanks. We'll be back on Monday. Bye. Bye. As I eat drugs with all my tender rice wipes But uh-oh, that's probably bad advice Because it's coming from Jake So suffering, suck a patch to Staffy and Doug And die on a CD at your local Starbucks But before we take our mid-show break

Please tune in to Amir and Jake We take our mid-show break. Let's tune into a mirror and jake. On the If I Were You show. That would be hashtag door which starts now. Here it is. We're going to give you three episodes of Classic Loveline every week. That means more Adam. Oh, shut up. Or me. Listen, listen. And more of those amazing Classic Loveline show moments. I like this stuff, and Adam's like, oh, who wears the pants in your house? How dare you put up with that?

My wife knows not to behave like that because she knows. Now your wife calls the show and yells at you during the show. I always wait until I get home, and by the time I get home. Download them every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at podcastone.com. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble

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