Segments - 98: Underwear (with Thomas Middleditch)

Episode Date: August 25, 2014

Friend and star of "Silicon Valley" Thomas Middleditch joins us to discuss technology, fidelity, and stealing underwear. This episode is brought to you by Stamps.com, SlugBooks.com, and MeUndies.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

We got another doozy of an episode in store for us now. Oh, yeah. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts,

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Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Uzi for sure. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience.

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now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Let's check out this episode.com because our boy, Tommy Mids, is back in the house. Yeah, Tommy Mids. Yeah, Tommy the house. Yeah, Tommy Mids.

Yeah, Tommy Tombini. And things ended up getting... We actually did start screaming at each other at a certain point, so this would be fairly to say they did become real. They got real. Enjoy. If you have a worry Or you're troubled by strife You should ask Jake and Amir

What to do with your life And if I were you I'd do that too. If I were you. Was that good enough for you, Tom? Or do you want better shit? That was palpable. You're crying. It doesn't matter. I've had a rough week, and that was palpable. You're crying.

It doesn't matter. I had a rough week, and that was just, it spoke to me. You were staring out the window that entire song. And you were crying before it started, too. Yeah, I cried when I got here. That guy's name was Danny Cole, and he says, look me up on YouTube. And his last name is C-O-L without the E. Danny Cole.

Look me up on YouTube. You're as good as he is. No, I don't think so. No! Holy shit, this is your email address. It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. I've got an email address. It was palpable.

She wants to be in the middle. Are you a good singer? No, not really. But she wants to be in the middle. Can I tell you she wants to be in the middle. Are you a good singer? No, not really. But she wants to be in the... Can I tell you she wants to be in the middle? I was hanging out with the old B. Schwartz, Ben Schwartz. The Bean. Everyone calls him The Bean.

The Bean. Starting now. The Bean. We went to a symphony. Yeah, we went on a date to a symphony. Why? We met some people, but it's through him. He's got a strange life and at one point a lady was

she wanted to take a photo and and she said like can i take a photo and you're like yeah where do you want where do you want to be and she goes i want to be in the middle and then as she's walking over ben and i like we knew what was going on we said she wants to be in the middle and that's been in my head for like a week now straight i didn't got my girlfriend singing it we're all just walking around the house singing she wants to be in the mirror is that an existing song no no so you guys just had the exact same song up in your head like the same weird random tune yeah that's amazing do you ever have it like fans ever come up to you like a comedian friend you guys just do bits past when you they come and they're like all right that's fine okay bye and then you're still just riffing and doing bits and they're already like

they never meet your heroes yeah exactly no i don't even i don't really talk to the fans don't need to play that song again uh thomas middleditch back on the show part three part three holy shit you're a regular streeter side l now that's what they call me yeah the bean and street that's what they call you and ben on the street it's true the bean the street and the old middlestein the last last time you were here was the day before silicon valley debuted oh yeah, yeah. We did before, and we were talking about the poster, and like, ooh, something. And then we did it kind of during, almost, or just before? Did we? Oh, we've done...

I thought the second time was right before. Oh, right before. So we did double befores. The first time, Thomas showed us the photo of the poster on his phone right before it was just plastered everywhere, all over the town. And then... The second time was the day before it came out. Yeah.

Right. And then we called you the next week, like, hey, we we should do another one and then you called us back from your convertible and you're like sorry bro i can't hear you right now his personal assistant called oh yeah he's like let me get jerry on the phone they're like thomas doesn't do podcasts but then he put us in touch with your lawyer your agent your manager and your publicist they said can you hit 250 i'm like what are you talking about hit 250 like that's to that's Tommy's going rate. That's my usual listener count. 250 people. Which is great.

Which is huge. That's a room. That's a theater. I mean, that's what I get whenever I'm on my soapbox out in downtown screaming away. Yeah, covered in silver paint. The end is nigh. I'm from another planet! Yeah, and now it's post.

Now it's post Silicon Valley. Let's talk about it during the break. That'll be a fun little discussion, how your life has changed. Sure, babies. Sure, babies. Baby boys. Spread your little legs open for me. Both of you guys have such wide sitting standards.

Yeah, but you're in shorts. Show some modesty. Close them up. You're a conservative little boy, aren't you? I just, you know, come on, be a gentleman. You Canadian. Look at you, dude. Take off that hat, dude.

No, wait, man. It's how I maintain my fresh style. Brother, you've been on the show. You know how it works. We get emails from people who are in difficult places in their lives, and they email us at ifirewshow at gmail.com and then we answer their questions.

Sometimes it's just me and Jake and sometimes Thomas Middle Ditch is in the house. Wee woo. Wee woo indeed. Wee woo. She wants to be

in the middle. She wants to be you. Wee woo. Wee woo. She wants to be you. I'm very excited. I love this. Yeah, this is fun, right?

It's super fun for me. It's fun for us and it's fun for the audience. I hope it excited. I love this. Yeah, this is fun, right? It's super fun for me. It's fun for us, and it's fun for the audience. I hope it is. That's a triple win. I hope people aren't like, oh, what? I think we already got enough of this fucking asshole. The show gets better when we have repeat guests. Yeah, because the chemistry is there.

Yeah, the chemistry is there, and there's a better flow to the show. It's not people discovering it for the first time. The show's got good flow. For a show. For a show. A flow. For a show. a show a flow for a show a flow it goes it goes you know you know it's bleeding oh no oh no help me um all right let's get this she's a hemophiliac whoa a scorpion just came out of your nose shit put it back in i'm made of scorpions you weren't supposed to see that

not until 2016 scorpion controls my every move um oh dear uh all right oh this is a fun too. Tom gets to make up names for these people. We're right into it. That's the preamble. Now we're into helping out the folks. Now it's the U.S. Constitution, baby. The preamble to the Constitution. All right, don't.

Hey, look, I'm from Canada. You said it earlier. Does Canada have a Constitution? Or they're just like, everyone just be nice? This is so bad. I don't know. That's how exciting just like everyone just be nice i don't know that's how you are american yeah i don't know i don't think we have like a man i can't say i don't you studied it like when you study history in uh in canada in elementary school high school is it

canadian history we study a bit of canadian we study a fair amount of canadian history i just didn't pay attention i remember louis riel, the Métis fugitive, and John A. MacDonald, the first prime minister. Oui, oui, oui. No, he's Scottish. Oh, oui, oui, oui. You're having a seizure. Bite down on this. Bite down on this.

So, yeah, we got a little bit. We know that you guys try to annex us. Dude, that was a joke. Relax. I want to say we repelled you but the british you're israeli and you're canadian i'm the only blue blood here you're blue blooded i don't know a blue alien you are controlled by a scorpion burn him tail attack no no one could have seen that but oh yeah we should do a video podcast i tail attacked he just tail attacked classic tail attack which does 40 plus three damage oh no it's getting nerdier well let's see jake has a strength of 12 which is higher than average he's got the fit

advantage so i've been playing a lot of gerbs generic universal role-playing system i am currently game mastering a campaign where my friends are cavemen. And they've got to go on an epic quest to save their village because the seer stone was stolen. Oh, this is real! And yet none of it is. You do it during the day? We try and do it every Sunday. But, you know, people go out of town.

Oh, so it's like once a week. It's not like insane. You're not doing it like 12 hours a day inside. This is your poker game. Yeah, it's my poker insane you're not doing it like 12 hours a day inside this is your poker game yeah it's my poker game that's that that's cool and all the haters can go suck a egg suck a egg suck a egg hater you are a elephant hater yeah hater bill hater uh what was that oh didn't you want to do a podcast once that was this game? I did. I did.

I did. People couldn't make it happen, but maybe one day it'll happen. I'd love to do, yeah, kind of what Poseidon does with his Dungeons & Dragons, except taking it a little bit more seriously, guys. Yeah, because a lot of it is like they're just having fun. But this isn't about fun. Do you hear this? What? Your fake nerd voice.

You're calling Thomas a nerd right now. Says the guy. Says fucking four eyes. Who do you think's more nerdy, me or Thomas? It's really, you guys are both like quiet nerds. Because you're like, you're like an attractive hipster guy with your backwards hat and your thermos. Yeah. And you are like secretly getting really buff.

Yeah, I'm getting cut. You have a mustache, good haircut in the uh i don't know well you're you're you're because this goes on what we were talking about earlier you're like uh accounting money management nerd i'm a jewish nerd you're a jewish nerd and i'm like uh like a shy kid fantasy nerd you're yeah i think your nerddom goes deeper than mine it it does go deeper and into classic nerdy stuff i guess right numbers and actually maybe thomas is nerd nerdier because like your your nerdiness is numbers related like numbers and math and stats really excite you yeah that carries over just talking about it he's getting so you can do yeah you can see the

oh that's why i wear shorts give me give two numbers. I want to multiply them in my head. But being a sports nerd as much as you are is a little bit cool because it's sort of masculine. Right, because it's not... I like sports. I like hockey, so fuck. It's pretty masculine. Yeah.

The only fantasy I'm involved in is fantasy football. Well, I play a lot of soccer. Video game. I play FIFA 14 like a madman. And I go to Ren Fs in garb so i think i'm edging i'm edging i'm edging i'm edging uh all right give us a female name so we can answer this email um tricia smear named after it's so pretty to begin with oh tricia and what's your last name, Trisha? Smear? I'm sorry, what?

Smear. I'm your substitute teacher, Miss Smear. Alright, Miss Smear writes, I'm a college freshman who recently started classes. My mom was kind enough to get me an iPad for high school graduation. When asked if I wanted a mini or a

regular, I asked for a regular. Although asked if I wanted a mini or a regular, I asked for a regular, although she suggested I get a mini. I'm regretting it. It's bulky and heavy with a case. My college is checking mini iPads out to us for the semester and selling them to us at a greatly reduced price in December, and I am considering selling my iPad and getting one of those. It would be more convenient, but I am afraid of hurting my mom's feelings. I really appreciate that she got it for me, but I'm kind of embarrassed because she was insistent on getting me a mini, and I refused.

Should I sell mine and just avoid showing her, or would this be rude and disrespectful? Thanks for your time, Trisha Smear. What an aptly nerdy question following what the heck we were just talking about. The smallest problem you can have. I want to meet Trisha Smear and be like, you have the best life ever. This is what you stress out about. Oh, white people problems, man.

Yeah. Maybe she's black. I don't know. They sell iPads to everybody, I guess. Yeah, yeah. There's no racial divide between iPads. But it is like that. So it's. That's no racial divide between iPads. But it is like that. So it's...

That's great. That's great. No, she has a problem. She took the time to write the email. We have to give her sound advice. That's fair. I think, actually, you could spin this to be like, Mom, you were right.

Yeah. And now she's sort of sitting... My first lesson in college is that I got to start listening to you, Mom. My Mommy. Yeah, exactly. I told you so, but that's the bullet you have to bite in order to maybe get two. You fake sell your other one. Yeah, baby.

And you say, Mommy, I lost my iPad. Can you give me money for a greatly reduced iPad mini? You were right. I was wrong if I were you. Why did you say the name of the podcast? Just plugging it for her mom. For all the listeners, they're going to know. You're listening to it.

That was a station identification. I mean, right? You could spin it like that. That is good. Or just like, fucking chill, man. I have an iPad regular, and it's like in no way too bulky i don't know what you're talking about yeah they're not that much bigger it's just so bulky yeah that's the problem with apple they're like the ipad is the sleekest smallest nicest piece

of machinery ever but now there's a mini yeah and now yours is big and it's bulky and it's thick isn't that like the weird but that's just like that weird language because they could also be like, hey, now there's an iPad extra large and the screen is huge and it's fast and it's got a lot of storage and you're like,

oh shit, I want the biggest iPad. Yes, you're touching on it perfectly. This is all, we all get manipulated by advertising. This is all it is, man.

You don't need it. No, fuck that. What are you using it for? Going to class, typing notes? I'd love to see you whip out the mini

and type two hours worth of notes on that fucking thing your hands your ankle your ankles i type with my feet your arm ankles yeah your arm ankles would be just her broken just like a big stump smear she's smearing it all over the place and let's be honest there are no samsung so you're not doing those swipe typing come on on, guys. Get into it. It's always going to be smaller. It's always going to be bigger. But the point is that your mother's alive and she bought you one, and that's really nice. Yeah, it's good.

And to be honest, you don't need it. And you've got a perfectly functioning next-gen regular, fat, clunky, ugly iPad, which you probably have a case for because you know that mommy bought a case. Let's all just get a little notebook. Just an old school composition book. That's good for notes. I have one of those. I have like a Lenovo mega laptop.

It's very bulky. But you're talking about you write it down. I'm talking about like legit pen and paper. Oh, I love it. Old school. Classic. It's so vintage. Retro.

Throwback. Etsy. Very Etsy. Yeah. I mean so vintage. Retro. Throwback. Etsy. Very Etsy. Yeah, I mean, that would be the jam. If you show up to class, everyone's got their little iPads and stuff, and you pull out this Italian leather hand-bound Etsy notebook.

You blow dust off of it like it's an ancient book of spells. Exactly. It gets into the premises of other people's iPads. Short-circuiting everything. It's got a monogram of Gi giuseppe bonavoni italian explorer and it's his line of like notebooks so you oh that's just it's not his notebook it's not a used notebook no he used to do a lot of adventures and then like in his post-adventure life he makes really now just he makes bank and buys ipads yeah yeah and he's got like a he's got an online store, Giuseppe.

It's etsy.com. Yeah, so just take out your big bulky iPad and go etsy.com. And buy yourself. Did you guys take notes handwritten in college? Of course we didn't have iPads then. No, but did you have laptops? Back in the Stone Age? They had laptops.

Maybe. Some people did. Not for me i think probably laptops were like kind of like maybe not permitted in class even if you did have them yeah i imagine that's a very big uh distraction thing now you have your ipad or your computer with the internet on it and you're trying to like pay attention to like an economics lesson i think i had like one class where we had where we brought computers and it was like i feel like it was 2004 like the early day of wi-fi yes it was like i remember that when some of the classes had wireless internet i'm like wait what do you mean wireless

yeah that was the first time i used it like what the fuck are you talking about yeah i there doesn't need a no wire so how does it get in? How is it here? No. But it was also good because in 2004, Facebook hadn't come to my college yet. So I didn't really have a lot. I guess I had porn. You're watching porn on a laptop in class? The two things I did with that computer was download scrubs and watch porn. That was all I did.

I would imagine for the good kids that come there to learn, laptop or an iPad would be very good but for the baddies Tyler get off your iPad so I don't know what's our final advice for Trish I'm with you I think she could like sell this definitely spin it as a you were right mom yeah if you're really obsessed with this

fucking mini yeah you could spin it also if you get a good deal give her some of the money back then you then it's a nice gift to your mom like hey mom you were right and we actually there's this great deal at school i was thinking of selling the bigger ipad getting this one for cheap and giving you the extra dough if your mom is i mean if your mom's a reasonable reasonable person like as if as any woman is any mother yeah you could maybe sort of talk to her like that just how we did two rational men yeah talking to each other all right so we're all in favor of selling your ipad getting the mini uh i don't know i am actually not i love my ipad regular and

i don't know what you want it's a little why would you want it it's a little too big it's not just wave to a postman who came and delivered two boxes for you. Oh, shit. We got two boxes at the door. Should I go grab them? Should we see what they are? Yeah, sure. Why not?

We just hear a huge explosion. Seeing what they are on the podcast. Yeah. Sass it all over my face. It's the Bjork Stalker. We should do a separate podcast where we just talk until the mail comes and then we go through the mail. It's called Waiting for the Mail with Tommy and Amir.

Well, I'll be damned. It's a mail box. There's George and the mail box. They're both for Colleen. Open them. That's our neighbor. We can open them. Open them. Ooh, a dildo. I love those notes. It's a little big and bulky. She should get the dildo mini.

Oh, God. There we are. Question number deuce. Deuces. We need another female's name. Maureen Pavlanovic. Wow. This girl's hot.

I don't really. This girl's a goddamn smoke show. Right up Amir's alley. Paul Blanovich? Eastern European dude? Give me some Mo. Give me some Mo now. Mo Mo.

Hey guys, my boyfriend and I have been dating for seven months. He's the first nice guy I've ever dated. We met in college. I graduated in May and my boyfriend still has two years. Everything was going great until I noticed he was covering slash tilting his phone when he was on it. I got suspicious, so I broke relationship advice number one. Don't snoop. He left his phone at my house one night and his phone kept getting texts.

I couldn't resist, so I looked. The text was from a girl and the past messages from a month ago had provocative conversations with him being the initiator. I confronted him about the messages. He begged me not to leave him. He said he'll never do it again, and he realizes how important I am to him. Do you think I should give him a second chance? If so, how can I trust him again? Let's all answer with a yes or no on three.

Ready? Wait, second chance, yes or no? Yeah, should I give him a second chance, yes or no? One, two, three. No! are you serious why do you it's wrong you haven't been down this road just texts just text that's it no you know what i'll say that she didn't break relationship uh rule number one don't snoop relationship rule number one is don't cheat he broke it you think he cheated by texting a girl i think he had an emotional affair i also I also, like, who knows if it led to anything more than that. Who knows?

Yeah, I guess she doesn't know. I mean, look. It is, you know, I suppose you could argue. I don't know the extent. You don't know the extent. Maybe it was, like, hundreds of messages and it was really intense and stuff like that then that then that's something if it was like yeah i would have i'm with it i'm in a relationship you know you're very very great maybe in another life that's not that bad you don't know the extent but i gotta be honest if he's gone down the road

but now he's so bad and he's so scared find another dude but it had been like a it was prolonged behavior it wasn't just like a one one conversation like oh man i shouldn't be doing this like we're done it was like he multiple multiple times initiated uh a steamy conversation with someone who was then texting like many times throughout the night when he left his phone while she was there too because, because he's shielding. That's pretty cold doggy. Shading is cold, man. That's the sneak that don't look.

You never want to be doing that. You don't want to. As soon as that happens... She's got to remind herself that that dude's still in college. Oh, that's another thing. She's two years older than him. He's still in college,

and she's not. Yeah, or maybe he's a late bloomer in college. But either way, he's in college for a couple more years, and she's not. She should or maybe he's a late bloomer in college. But either way, he's in college for a couple more years and she's not. She should be focused on

getting herself a job. Getting herself a career that she likes. That's right. Pat Bonavich, you know you gotta, you know, come on. Come on.

Her boyfriend could suck an egg, man. What are you talking about? She's just got a brand new spanking degree, man. She's got the world. He's the first nice guy I ever dated. He only cheated on me.

Yeah, imagine what the mean guys did to her. out for the nice guys we're tricky we're lying we're all scorpions we all go through phases you know we're all we're all we're all young at one point can you be a nice guy and still do this or does that mean he's not a nice guy yes you could still be a nice guy and be a rotten bastard. But does that mean you're a nice guy? Yeah, sure. Or you're just better at disguising it.

You just don't know how to confront your feelings on women and maybe you want to still be a nice guy but also want to be a bad boy. You're conflicted. He's got evil tendencies.

I mean, he could donate to charity and then send illicit texts to a stranger or something. I think if he's a nice guy, and this is the worst he's ever done, and he feels so bad, slash, when you feel bad,

you just mean you're scared straight, basically. He's basically too afraid to do it again now. But that's not the relationship you want to be in anyway. Yeah, also it's going to matter how she's going to conduct herself moving forward. Are you going to be able to trust him? If he says, says i won't do it again it won't happen again are you gonna be like okay and live your life and uh be calm and present or is she gonna be like always like what's his phone say now yeah like his text his phone's just buzzed who's what's he typing

right now this dress is now forever gonna be part of it and to be honest this is dark but like when you've been taken back there's part of you that feels like i can probably get away with this again oh like you can get off or you feel like this person's weak and like because if that had happened to me i'd have been like fuck you get out of here from a text message conversation depends i don't know the content i don't know the actual texts but yeah if i caught my sweet sweet tender love girlfriend and i saw like a steamy text i'd be like yo man what i it'll be bad news you gotta go one that's what i'm saying one night of steamy text like maybe i don't know i who knows like all i'm saying is if it happened multiple times several different

initiated text conversations but with one girl yes fuck that of course i i changed my opinion to be adamantly fuck that don't give him a second chance multiple times he's shielding his phone texting some other girl maybe that's how he gets off yeah great that's how he gets off and that he should be in an open relationship i'll never be with a girl so i'll just text it's sort of like a sex chat there's plenty of people like that and that more power to them i'm not saying you should be condemned for having a thing i'm just saying you should maybe be honest when you're doing it yeah he hid it from her knowing it would hurt her and then still did it but decided to hide it and then couldn't hide it anymore but now it's hurt her he was a dummy for sure he was uh he was hiding yeah it was a piece of shit nothing's changed he's a nice guy he doesn't need to be

persecuted again we're all we all go through the phases have you done this? yes you've done the text while in a relationship? uh huh and it's bad news

and you get out of it and you're like wow I hurt someone I really I learned a valuable lesson he needs to learn his lesson when that's happened to you did you feel like

you deserved a second chance? I begged and pleaded and sometimes I got it and guess what I was like, oh, this person's weak. I don't...

I don't... Don't give him a second chance. No second chances ever. No. It's like being grounded. Dude's gotta learn his lesson. When I was little,

I would get grounded all the time, but it never really stuck. So I never really learned consequences to my actions. Yeah. So what should your parents

have done? Break up with you? If they had kept me grounded i'd be uh i'd be different so thanks mom and dad i love me you put me on a leash so loose i can do whatever the fuck i wanted you told me there was an electric fence but there wasn't i ran into the woods is there is it still considered a leash if it's the diameter of the entire fucking earth you might as well not be wearing anything at this point um well i tell you to the lady don't worry there's gonna be other dudes and there are nice other nice guys and to the guy hey you messed up one day you'll learn your lesson and one day hopefully you'll be like

jake and i who are reformed baddies and now are hell-bent on being goodies. Yeah. Okay. All right. Well said. So you got two hell no's and one maybe so. And I think that's okay. You're soft, Amir. The weirdest thing is that, like, this guy did something that you would never do.

Give him another chance. And this guy did something that me and Tom would have done. And we're like, fuck him! But that's because we know in those situations we didn't deserve another chance no and the and you're you've never been in that situation that's the thing with with life if you if and if you end up being a scoundrel and a baddie that's you've chosen you chose to shoot the guy now you gotta go to jail yeah sorry yeah that's what you get that's what happens agree. And this isn't like choosing,

this isn't like a heat of the moment crime of passion. Like this guy just said something awful and now I shoot him. It's like a well planned nightly ritual.

Obviously he's conflicted. He's pulled multiple different ways. You know, that's not his fault but what's his fault is him not sort of stepping up to the plate

and being, doing the right thing. Doing the right thing. Doing the right thing. Meg Ryan, Kim Basinger, and Tom Barringer. Oh, fault is him not sort of stepping up to the plate and being doing the right doing the right thing doing the right thing starring meg ryan kim basen and tom barringer oh where is he should be in my movie he was an inception what was he an inception tom barringer god i can't keep up with your brain i'm alvin mccoy's you see that shit the miniseries he was the best part barringer barringer i he's in one of the families, but he's just sort of strong, silent, sort of

like, oh, man, go get him if you want to get him. Like spitting out. Was he the one that was like, don't, well, I wasn't wondering. We'll talk. We'll talk. We'll talk. We'll talk. We'll gab.

Should we go to the third question? Yeah, baby. Was there a break? Did we talk? After the third question. Yeah, let's do one more question, then break it up it up break it up whoa is this enough oh no we got it guys we got a dude we got a dude thank god we got a dude dude give me a doo-doo name oh doo-doo name ah shit um xavier inch practice inch practice inch practice so is that one word or is it like it's his last name inch practice like a stout british name compound name xavier inch practice

right actually do you want to read it in a british accent i'd love to did you see that animation you did the south park animation of you reading that question that was great isn't that amazing what a treasure what cool fans that's really cool that's nice dear sirs i am a 21 year old guy in college with an unusual problem i like the punctuation already i have never had a girlfriend or even been on a date i had my first kiss now i understand why no no poor guy oh okay i know a couple i know a dude like this okay i don't know i don't think i'm unattractive it's just that i'm a coward with no guts to ask a girl out and i also don't meet very many girls in my social life as i'm a huge nerd preach on as such i have two questions one

how can i man up and gain the balls to ask girls out even though I have no experience? And two, how do I deal with girls who will think it's weird that I'm 21 and have never even been on a date? Two A's. So maybe just do a brief spell check before

you send it in. Can you help me with this conundrum or should I resign myself to a life of loneliness and drowning my sorrows in mike's hard lemonade sincerely xavier inch practice first man get into beer oh my god take a girl out for a mike's hard lemonade oh did you have a girlfriend by age 21 no i lost my virginity when i was 19 and then scrambled to play catch up that's why i was a bastard i was like i've done it all wrong i'll use women from now on um a girlfriend a real girlfriend at 21 no i mean i had a couple like

pseudos but right so 21 is not terribly late there's still time to turn things around yeah i wouldn't beat yourself i think there's i think you'd be surprised about how many people are in your position. I think society and sort of, I don't know, culture puts a lot of emphasis on early sex, early experiences, living hard, die young. But I don't think many, I think you'd be surprised about how many people don't do that. Yeah. So what can he do? How can you ask a girl out? And how can you gain a girl out and how can you gain the balls and how

can you do that what about online isn't that an easy way to do it then you don't have to actually physically talk to tender tender tender tender yeah but if you do stuff like that if you do online because online is a great resource it's linking people who normally don't go out to bars for example right i'm not a bar guy i never met any girls from bars. I met girls after comedy shows or online. You just got to be realistic with your Tinder. When you Tinder, don't swipe Barbies and hot girls that you know you're never going to have anything in common with. You got to match the girls that would like you. Yeah, if you're a nerd and like GURPS like myself, you girps swipe up the nerdy artsy girls who

look like they might like girps or at least be open to liking girps if they don't know about it that's a good tenure tip like that's online all

because I see a lot of people they do they're like yes all that girl so I'm like buddy they're just matching never gonna happen never gonna happen

yeah exactly dude I'm matching four four chicks and they all got cam shows tonight how's your Sunday looking loser I'm asking four chicks and they all got cam shows tonight. How's your Sunday looking, loser? I'm alt-tabbing all night. Multi-tabbing.

Mike's hard. Jergens. Drinking one, using the other. I'm not going to say which. But I am butt-chugging jergens. Yeah, I chose that question, I think, because you blossomed very late. You're peaking right now at 31. Yeah.

So at 21, I was also a nerdy dude. But we didn't even have online dating back then, right? Was there? I didn't. I didn't meet girls in weird AOL chat rooms and stuff. But I don't think there was anything. Those are real people. There's definitely no like, yeah,

there's nothing like there is now. Meeting girls online for me came when MySpace sort of was big. Oh, so you were doing it even in like 06. Yeah, I was like, I don't know, 23,

24, 25. You can meet people on MySpace. It's not just friends. Dude, MySpace was rad. Now it's all bands, but like you could go like,

I'm searching for female, single within this age range, within this height range, in this weight range, whatever they put into their profile, you could sort of i'm searching for female single within this age range within this height range in this weight range whatever they put into their profile you could sort of like christ pretty awesome it was a party palace used to be the place it's kind of a bummer no it's not anymore i'm completely devoted devoutly in love but still whatever but my god i'd love to search all these people in this zip code, age range, height range, weight range. I ousted myself as an absolute maniac, as a total psychopath. Five foot seven, 131 pounds.

Scar above her right knee. Oh, there she is. MySpace has categorized life, and I can see in a database everybody that i want yeah i i would say to this dude a don't worry about it like right you fret you fretting about it is kind of like that's what i was gonna say too he has a self-defeatist attitude right now yeah i don't think he needs to bring up to any girl that he goes out with that it's his first date or that he's never had a girlfriend yeah just like go out and you're a guy and you have hobbies and interests and that's

good enough and you don't have to be like nobody cares i don't think i've ever gone on a date and been like so who else have you dated have you dated many other people i would actually rather not know that can be that can be a fact that you share later on like if you guys hit it off like be like actually you you know whatever that's when you're comfortable and you're talking you're chatting yeah but the thing is it off and you're like actually actually you really like like cute smile and never had a girlfriend they're like oh my god i want to be your first girlfriend that can actually work for you i've never had a boyfriend and they can be part of like a quirky cute romantic comedy where it's like two shy people meet each other under the veil of night never being never being out in the day there are shy nerdy girls too

i was just gonna say we're current. We are fortunate enough to live in, in, in an age where you can find what you like and what will like you. That's the big thing I learned actually out of getting out of high school of that microcosm world where you're forced to be with this, like, well for me, a small town crew that is like,

they're the same. Yeah. And even out of college is like, you can find your people. If you don't even like the idea of going online you go to whatever like here in los angeles you go to meltdown comics and like girls who are into comic books comedy shows stuff like that or you go to wherever that you think like-minded people will go to or you find them on the internet you can find your tribe and then

you'll see all that like crazy anxiety goes away because right now he's probably looking at like vanessa smear trisha's sister super hot sister when she he should be going after yeah she's got the super smallest ipad it's an ipad nano and she's like a sorority girl or whatever i don't know i'm probably judging unfairly but like he's maybe looking at the just the wrong type of me like i'll never get that i want to be like i want to be like jay herwoods i can't you're not jake herwoods i'm not jake herwoods no one can be him he's a guy i'm not even jake herwoods jake looks at himself in the mirror and goes who are you no one knows i want to be you and then he reaches towards the mirror and he's disappointed every time that his fingers reach the glass yeah and then he goes through and then he's in narnia

and then mr tumness is like would you like some porridge dear old through, and then he's in Narnia, and then Mr. Tumnus is like, would you like some porridge? Dear old Tumnus. Tumnus, Tumnus. I mean, he sees strangers into his land, and that little satyr welcomes them into his home. Satyr? Yeah, it's a satyr. S-A-T-Y-R. Oh, I see. Half goat person.

I thought it was a satyr, like a Passover satyr. No, dude. Yeah. Man, way to fucking Jew it up, man. Jesus Christ. Can we have one conversation he's chewed up everything i do you're talking to two wasps yeah man you guys are flying uh so online and don't tell anybody well not don't tell anybody like it's a

secret but it won't come up yeah that's it doesn't have to yeah that's not who you are it's not like that doesn't define you right yeah yeah you're some of many other experiences i was talking about like sort of like life after college life after school there is that ability to find your your people in college especially you can find i'm they're sure there's a million social activities that aren't like froth and stuff like you can go watch obscure movies here are nerdy things to do watch obscure movies uh rent movies from a library would be a nerdy thing to do if you were to rent a vhs or a dvd from a library yeah magic the gathering clubs yeah um probably those are a bunch of other dudes

but um i don't know there are there are things there are people you know what you know what's strange and i did this when i was in like los angeles before all this before zelda valley before all this shit and i had no friends i went on meetup.com whoa it's like i'm plugging this thing but like there are other social sites like this where it's not about like dating it's like events and you sign up to be part of the group that tells you about events and you can kind of do like groups that have like a certain wheelhouse like there's like you know nerdy cool stuff that you can so what was the meetup that you went on i went i went on there to find a pickup soccer game group oh that's pretty cool which is like super cool and like yeah i like the total job but because i wanted to play you know i just wanted to play

soccer but there was like you know cool nerdy stuff to do there's all all kinds of shit and you can just get on these little groups and get told about it in your area meetup.com it's convenient it's easy it's free it's meetup.com. It's convenient, it's easy, it's free. It's meetup.com. I just got paid $200,000. Oh my God. Go fuck yourselves. So that means we only have to owe you $50,000.

Oh, is that how that works? Cool. That's it. Now it's break time. All right. Silicon Valley, has your life significantly changed since the show came out or is it more or less the same um it is a bit of both okay one it's like it's the same in that like nothing i i do day-to-day changes really i still do all the stuff uh for a while i was

very very busy now it's like chilled out and i'm waiting for season two to kick off the main thing that's changed is that changed is that like strangers will come up and say hey good job which is great i love that sometimes it's like a lot and unexpected places like some bar in the middle of louisiana people are like i made a show i'm like really why you're watching hbo just right after game of thrones you and uh but you know it's it's been pretty cool um so if there was like a documentary made about your life 24 hours last year and then 24 hours this year is it noticeably different uh you would take today no no because you did this podcast

well i mean almost the microphones are still i'm still like you know spend a lot of my days either playing video games writing or doing whatever i mean yeah when is season two i mean there are here's here's what's changed i'll go to like fancy holly hollywood parties that they just like send a bunch of invites out invites out to get people to come, right? So they want stars to be there, stars of TV shows. I've gotten like 10 times more suits. Oh, that's fun. I have like a stylist now, and they make me suits and stuff like that.

That's cool. I have a publicist, although I haven't used her. There's just like someone there just in case. Just in case something goes really wrong. Just in case you know me, I go on my meth banish. Well, how does a stylist work? A stylist will say, say okay so for the emmys i'm going to the emmys sunday uh monday oh shit that's the day this episode comes out cool watch the emmys watch the emmys then come listen to jake uh jake and amir uh if i were you.com and the stylist will be like

hey uh i'll go meet her she'll have a ton of suits from all these different companies like whatever CK Valentino they'll have a range of like Juju La Faconable

La Faconable La Cantonle and La Poupée Poupée's suits are they're just it's like you're not wearing anything it's like incredible

a lot of it is you're actually not wearing anything yeah it's just a tie you're just trying to find like you know an agreeable style you know do you have to pay for it um typically all so they're like these one that's i believe for a couple of these events she's been hired through hbl so hbl's helping me out oh that's awesome very kind i

mean so hbl you're gonna be on a tv show my god be with hbl they're the best so like we'll pay for your suit because we want you to look good because If you're going to be on a TV show, my God, be with HBO. They're the best. So like, we'll pay for your suit because we want you to look good. Because you're a fucking schlub and otherwise you'll show up in sweatpants. I got a tie on. So that'll happen. Occasionally we'll get like free stuff like Magic the Gathering, for example, heard that I played Magic on set and then sent me a box full of Magic cards. Wow.

But you don't play Magic. I play it from time to time. I'm very grateful. Thank you, Wizards of the cards. Wow. But you don't play magic. I play it from time to time. I'm very grateful. Thank you, Wizards of the Coast. But, you know, things like that.

You get a couple free things here and there that you're like, oh, I wouldn't have gotten this when I was poor, but now I have a chunk of change,

then there you go, which is ridiculous. And what about new professional opportunities? Are there more auditions coming your way career-wise it's been that has been a total game changer the show not that i'm like gonna be on guardians of the galaxy 2 right it's just that like people that wouldn't even consider holy shit yeah man

i'm actually chris pratt bowed out weird whoa you didn't want to do anymore i was like it's such a successful movie he's like i don't like it so i was like i'll do it i could bulk up um things like that like you know i'm just at least in people's eyes a possibility to be cast in x role or y's yeah that's awesome so that that's that's been cool when do you get offered parts versus audition the only parts i've been offered are like parts in movies where people i've never heard of are involved. Oh, so you still have to audition. $5,000 budget and stuff like that.

I still mostly have to audition, but I don't mind that. I kind of don't mind auditioning. Really? I don't mind proving myself. It's clutch. I like clutch situations. Well, that's cool. It's sort of like the closest you can get to being an athlete as an actor.

Yeah, I'm draining traits. The pressure situation. The quarterback wants the football. Give it to me. I'm the exact opposite you're the guy who's like just tries to stay next to his defender on basketball i'm sort of covered don't pass it to me as long as i'm uh as long as i didn't fuck anything up i'll be happy yeah i want to be on the court i want to be the christian latner on the dream team we won i was on the team didn't play but i didn't ruin things either yeah that's good

i want to be the john stockton six feet tall and white i'm so close one inch taller than you are now but imagine but imagine your imagination damn it knows no bounds imagine one inch taller A Stockton-esque six feet. Get bigger shoes. No, it's not that easy. He's six feet tall. Doc Martens. Oh, that could work.

All right. So when does season two start? We're going to start filming end of October. Oh, shit, that's soon. Yeah, and then we'll go to the end of January, I believe. And then that's, I mean, that's it. Then I have like the rest of the year, save for when it comes out and there's like press.

But that's an exciting schedule, right? Three months of hard work and then nine months of chillax. Well, I mean, hopefully if people would, if Hollywood will let me, the ringleader, Mulholland Drive. If you've seen the documentary, Mulholland Drive, hopefully I'll be able to do other stuff in the other town. Like this summer, I've done a couple movies. Oh, that's awesome. Final Girls and The Bronze. Check them out. They'll be able to like do other stuff in the other town like this summer i've done a couple movies oh that's awesome final girls and the bronze check them out they'll be out next year todd's movie todd straschelson exactly what a good guy he's a very tender man

if you ever meet todd straschelson you'll say he's tender no he's like uh he's wound tight he's like a rubber band yeah yeah he would neuroses. Even on the podcast. Yeah, yeah. He would be great. He'd be great for our empathetic suggestions in terms of what to do. Oh, yeah. Oh, for the guy who's having trouble meeting girls, start a watching party inviting boys and girls, not just you and a bunch of girls, invite mixed gender, watching party for The Quest. What's that?

Have you seen The Quest? No. I thought you were going to say for Silicon Valley. No, no. Oh, yeah. Of course. Really good. That's the, Have you seen The Quest? No. I thought you were going to say before Silicon Valley. No, no. Oh, yeah. Of course. Really good. That's the, I mean, no-brainer.

Come springtime, Game of Thrones, Silicon Valley, come on. That's the one-two punch. I mean, it's the one-two-three punch. But for now, for the summer, like, start up right now, The Quest, it's this reality TV show

where it's essentially LARPing, like live-action role-playing. They've got all these actors in garb, in the castle. There's a whole storyline. Yeah. But they've got contestants that are like trying to compete to be the true hero it's incredible it's your favorite thing ever you've got to come and get the seventh sunspear otherwise like gazoo will come and destroy us all and then like the regular people are like yo man we gotta get the sunspear so gazoo don't kill us it's incredible why are

there regular people there too because they're it's a reality TV show where they compete in challenges and then get eliminated and stuff. Oh, so it's like some people are into it and some people don't know anything. There are a couple of people who are like really buying the narrative and it's like it's real to them. It's Bonnie. Oh, what a treasure. What channel is it on?

It's not on a channel. It's on ABC. Really? Yeah. That's what I'm watching this summer. This and Bachelor in Paradise, which is such a fucking gong show. What is that? Another reality show.

It's the next Bachelor, but it's like all previous, not previous Bachelors, but previous people were on this show. It's like Bachelor All Stars. They're trapped in this resort, and they're loving one person next, hating on the other. It's like just watching mania, emotional mania, unfold in front of your eyes. I mean, clearly there's some clever writing going on,

but on top of that, you're watching, you're watching people come apart. Remember the come apart? Yeah. They're all having a come apart. Come apart.

It's like, two hours of, each episode is two hours and I guarantee you, Two hours every episode? I promise you, after each and every one, you're like,

I wish there was another one. It's so insane. I'm actually going on a flight soon to London, the 11-hour flight. And I'm like, I'm looking for a show that'll just make time fly. Everyone says Game of Thrones, but you're saying Bachelor. Have you not watched Game of Thrones? No. But maybe this Bachelor thing sounds better.

No, no, no. Watch Game of Thrones. Don't be an idiot. Don't be an absolute asshole. When I'm done with that. Don't be a pooey asshole. But when you're done with Game of Thrones, I'm telling idiot don't be an absolute asshole covered in poo when I'm done with that don't be a pooey asshole but when you're done with Game of Thrones

I'm telling you what's it called? if you're gonna trust you on anything trust me on Bachelor of Paradise have I had to seen any Bachelors?

no no no I don't wanna be behind it really doesn't matter no no are you serious? you should really watch Bachelor season 1 through 8

9 was missable but I'll give you the clip here you'd only be like oh yeah like Veronica yeah she was a basket case

in season 7 or whatever but they kind of when they introduce them they give you a little recap it's um I'm plugging all kinds

of stuff but Jesus Christ meetup.com the quest Batchelor in Paradise and of course Game of Thrones don't be an idiot

and lastly Silicon Valley at the very end I'm wearing the Game of Thrones t Don't be an idiot. And lastly, Silicon Valley. Sure, check that out. I'm wearing a Game of Thrones t-shirt. You are. This is Peter Dinklage saying, mine is my weapon. I thought that was your daddy or something like that. You think my dad's a short man?

Is he short? I don't know. Peter Dinklage. He's a short man. Look at him. Well, he has to fit on a shirt, so I figure they squished him down for that reason. I didn't know that he was actually that small. I'm becoming sacrilegious.

Should we answer one last question? Oh, yes, yes, please. Even though we're already long. But it's having fun that's the most important thing. The show's mainly about having fun. People love it. Even Dr. Ravichord will still answer these questions. Oh, you know what?

I forgot we have to take a quick little commercial break to thank one last sponsor for sponsoring this episode. And then when we come back, we'll do the last question. Will you stay around for that? Keep in mind it won't pass any time in real time, so I'll just put a pause, edit in a commercial, so you don't have to do anything but sit down for another two seconds.

Me? Perfect. Real quick, let's thank one of our personal favorites, MeUndies.com. Definitely. A new favorite, but a very personal favorite. It's rare that the company will send us stuff and then you say, you know what?

I feel bad asking for more, so I'll spend $100 on more products. Spend $80. Yeah. Add a coupon code. So, yeah. So, right from the horse's mouth. That's right.

Don't embarrass yourself when you drop your drawers. It's time you knew about MeUndies.com. Basically, it's comfortable, cool underwear. A lot of underwear I used to wear was just from the gap. It was gray, and it was baggy, and it was not good. And it was ugly. Actually, I'm wearing MeUndies right now. Oh, let's take a quick, quick look.

A little gander. Oh, those are cool. It's basically stylish. It's like a nice way to upgrade your underwear game, which you can either do yourself or you can buy your friend a gift. Yeah, that's true. Your boyfriend, your girlfriend, they have women's underwear as well. They make you look great and they make you feel great.

And they make you be great, taste great, are great, grow great, and do great. And at under $20 a piece, you can change your underwear drawer more than once every seven years. You know that's how often, on average, guys would replace their underwear? Foul. That's not okay. So last time the promo code was meetundies.com slash Amir, you felt slighted. You felt betrayed. You created such a...

No, not slighted, not betrayed, but such a not slighted not betrayed but just sort of irked and uh treason yeah of course and a little bit coy a little coy when always said and done so you created so much of a stink that me undies uh had its programmers update their promo code url now you can go to me undies.com slash jake pretty good for this pretty good not good enough you're like a little baby that got a little bit. It's too little too late. And you still have a URL. Of course.

So for the first week, it was MeUndies.com slash Amir and nothing. And then for this second time around, it's MeUndies.com slash Amir. Still intact. Still good. And MeUndies.com slash Jake. You want to get rid of my promo code. I want at least one run where you don't have one. No, it's not.

What if people listen to just the older episode and they go to that URL and it's not there anymore? I don't care. Of course you don't. I want the glory. You're trivial. So what's the deal? If you go to MeUndies.com slash Amir or slash Jake before September 1st, you can get 20% off your first order. That's 20%.

A quick way to do the math on that is move the decimal point over 1, then multiply by 2. So, on a $100 order, it's a $10 times 2, $20 off. You got that? Well, yeah. So, I spent that. An $80 order, $8 times 2, $16 off. So, let's do real quick. $15 order, 20% off. $15 order, 20% off. Move the decimal point, 1.5. It, $16 off. So let's do real quick. $15 order, 20% off.

$15 order, 20% remove the decimal point, 1.5. It's $3 off. That's right. That's how fun it is. Math is fun. That wasn't fun. That was stressful. I hated that.

Well, they guarantee you'll be happy with them. Trust us. Trust them. Trustmeundies.com. Nice. Once you go black, they're specifically their black boxer briefs, you'll never go back.

Back to the episode. Back to Tommy. And we're back. Wow. What do you think of that ad? In terms of an ad? Seamless, right? Me personally, I'd give that a 10 out of 10.

Yeah, it would buy. You guys always have such clever banter when you're delivering these ads. You like snacks? I like snacks. You do listen to the show. Of course I do. You only listen to the ads. I only listen to my episodes, but I try and skip out any time you guys talk.

So I really only just get to stream my voice. No, it's easy. When you're this obsessed. You'd be surprised. All right. Last question. my voice no it's easy when you're this obsessed you'd be surprised uh all right last question well real quick next time we should do a video podcast with tom that'd be dope yeah that's true that'd be really fun would you be down i'd love to all right great uh last question last question do you want to read this one you chose it i hope another um creative person does something creative with this podcast i was really honored that that guy took all the time to animate it.

Isn't that cool? That's on our site. We like this so much that I'm going to animate this. Did you see the South Park Book of Mormon? Some guy did Hello, the first song in Book of Mormon, as a South Park animation. Oh, fun. So it's that same guy.

Oh, is that dude? Oh, really? That guy did a version of Thomas on our podcast, an animated version. We have fans that are that talented and then also ones that write a question like this. If you ever want to do something creative, either drawing or animating

or whatever, you just send it over to ifIwereYou at gmail.com. IfIwereYouShow at gmail.com. Nice. Or you can tweet it at us. We found it on Twitter. Oh, tweet it. We'll post it. We'll promote it. It's going to get the eyeballs it on twitter oh tweet it and we'll we'll post it we'll promote it it's gonna get the eyeballs because people love to see it and so do we we put that

one on uh if i were you show.com the official web yep this um it was almost an all-girl episode this is this is uh this i need another name for a lady right now oh misty rivers misty rivers a porn star, probably. Misty Rivers writes, Dear Jake and Amir, I love the podcast and would really appreciate some help with my sticky situation.

Ew, Misty's sticky. I was over at my friend's house the other day and we were in her brother's room looking for a movie. I opened up a DVD case that was shoved near the back of the bookcase

and inside the case was a pair of underwear. And not just any underwear, my underwear i know this because it was my size brand and it was a distinct pattern that i had lost i sleep over their house a lot so i can see how he would get his hands on it but why here's the worst part there was a white streak across them and they smelled horrible what was this i took the underwear and threw it away we were both both freaked out, so we left his room.

Why did he have my underwear? What was on it? Semen? Is that why it smelled bad? Help me. Misty Rivers. This guy obviously was going to do an arts and crafts project. Yeah.

So you get the underwear. Yeah. He doesn't want to buy it, so he took it from this girl. He was going to bedazzle it. Yeah. He was going to do a jewel-encrusted bedazzle. He got through the glue part you know the elmer's glue yeah so he did a streak of the stinky you know the the semen glue it was a

birthday gift yeah you're being selfish and rude you know it could be a little see she's jumping to conclusions that it's his mess she could have had a little femme smudge on there forgot about it then it's been sitting in a fucking DVD case, rotting. So she's smelling her own schniz and being like, dude, this guy's gross. When really, she's a stank pot. Yeah, you got to recognize, sometimes your schniz smells bad, too. Yeah, and especially if it's been in a DVD case, just rotting away.

You sound like the brother trying to justify it. How do you know? You didn't go night walking. Holding the DVD case over his wrecked penis. Michael, the point is, you stole my underwear. Well, I was trying to I was going to wash it. I just forgot about it. I put it in a DVD case.

I'll give it back to you. I was going to mail it. I can't mail it raw. I got to put it in a case. I can't just write an address on underwear, send it off willy nilly. Think about it, you dumb bitch! Like he turns into a real dick all about it. Use your mind! Use it!

Ugh! Oh god, Jake's dying. I just love him getting so defensive and angry. Oh, slams the door. Fuck! Fuck! I just love him getting so defensive and angry. Oh, slams the door. Fuck, fuck. That's the best thing to do when someone accuses you of something disgusting is yell at them louder and weirder. You fucking idiot. And the initial question is like, hey, so we found my underwear in the deep.

Fuck. God, Misty. What the fuck are you even talking about? I don't know how it got there. I don't know what it smells like. Gross. You fucking idiot. What kind of maniac you even talking about? I don't know how it got there. I don't know what it smells like. Gross, you fucking idiot. What kind of maniac smells in old underwear? Holy shit, this next email is from this guy who said this girl came over and started sniffing around underwear.

What's she doing in the... Why is he snooping in his bedroom? She left it on the fucking ground and just put it away in a DVD case because I didn't know where else to put it. What happened to my room? I'm not a slob. He put it away in a DVD case because I didn't know where else to put it. What could happen to my room? I'm not a slob. He said it was in a DVD case? Well. Well?

Like you open up a case of a DVD and instead of a DVD it's dirty panties? Yeah, so it's crumpled up panties. Young kids, like teenagers do some weird shit to jerk off. It's weird. Well, you know what? Here's the thing. It's like for me i never i never did panty stuff but when i was a teen you hear it a lot like you hear like oh man the thing

to do is grab panties or something like that you know it's like it's in the air but it's like no one ever does it but he was like oh cool that's what you got to do like he actually went and did it what a risky maneuver what was he thinking would happen like how do you when you sleep over you take off your underwear, and then you just leave the next day? She's like, oh, I forgot. I lost my bra. Whatever. Lost my panties. Whatever. You don't bring two sets of panties on a sleepover?

Maybe she does, because she's fucking so nasty down there leaving streaks. Hershey is, dude. She's gonna leave... Not nasty, but naturally. Hershey's a boob job. She's a rainforest. She's swampy. She can brew, but it's natural. Hershey is in a boot. She's a swampy. For sure. Yeah, she's a rainforest. She's swampy.

She can brew a beer down there. Oh, God. Awful. We're, like, totally attacking her. Like, what a misogynistic response. You can brew a beer. What a horrible misogynistic response. I don't know, man.

That is a bit of a sticky situation. Literally. Well, are you honestly going to confront the kid and embarrass the poor boy? Yeah. He deserves it. No. He stole your underwear and jizzed at him. It's innocent. It's not like. What are you honestly going to confront the kid and embarrass the poor boy? Yeah. He deserves it. No. He stole your underwear and jizzed at him. It's innocent.

It's not like... What are you fucking... Are you guys insane? Why do you want to shame him? Because he did something awful. It's not awful. Stealing a girl's underwear and jizzing into it? It's so passive.

It's not like he spied on her in the bathroom or something. Then I'd be like, murder him. But he was like... He's a quiet little boy. Yes, you do out you say i saw what you were doing if you want to confront him don't like shame him i just like i found out but like you know maybe give him playful shit he'd love that i'm sure like if you kind of like oh i should give him another pair of your underwear oh i saw you get you made mine dirty. Oh my god, you awful man.

Oh, you should fucking blow him. That's how porn starts. Like, oh, what are you doing? My fucking underwear, you pervert? He'd probably love this. Grapefruit him. You seen that video? No.

Watch out. Go online, Google how to grapefruit your man. What is grapefruiting? Just watch it. I can't even describe it. Is it is grapefruiting? Just watch it. I can't even describe it. Is it hot? It's weird. Just watch it.

I'm going to. It's sour. All the listeners, go Google it. It's bitter and it's sour. Jeez. You know, you guys want it to be like the Sandlot where he plays a prank that got him kissed and then the next day the girl gives him that little coy smile on the way to the pool. Yeah, and they end up getting married.

I think that could happen. Sandlot response, honestly, would be so much better than shaming that kid. That is going to bring so much more weirdness to him. I think it matters how old he is. If he's 13, which it sounds like he is. Hopefully will be. I think that's not worth. Don't shame him.

That's so innocent. Reverse those numbers. And you're my age. don't shame him. Just like, he's, that's so innocent. Reverse those numbers. And he's a shit, yeah. And you're my age. How about if he's older than you, confront him. If he's under than you, don't confront him.

That's good. Ask him when his birthday is. That's fair. Hey, what's your birthday? Okay, never mind. I'm 40,

what are you? It would be so creepy if it was her friend's dad. Can you imagine that? See, that's what I'm saying. That's like a Todd Solance movie. That's like happiness.

If it's bad at a certain age, it's bad at age that's not true yeah it's like oh it'd be really bad if he murdered sounds it sounds concise but it's so wrong oh i i murdered him but i was 13 that's okay well he was 40 that's yeah i stole this i stole her underwear and jerked off into it but i was 13 oh that's fine i was 20 whoa that's. Whoa, that's fucked up. If he does it at 13, he'll do it at 20. No, he won't. What's wrong with jerking off the pants? I'm just saying it's not nice. It's not good. But it's like,

it's passive, shameful. He's a kid who likes masturbating. Here's the thing. If it bothers a girl and she doesn't want it to happen again, yes, she can confront him, but I would strongly urge him not to, like, shame him and make it like do it don't do it in front of his parents yeah don't do it in front of his parents to say hey or you tell your friend hey man this is weird don't worry i'm not rad i'm not mad i'm not gonna post it online or whatever just don't do it again

because it makes me feel strange yeah that's fine that's nice that's fair if that's how you really feel he's just gonna do it again he's like such if that's how you really feel. He's just going to do it again. He's like such a... He's not going to do it again. He's got the underwear. He's probably such a sweet boy. He's probably a little Amir. He's so happy. He's got his glasses.

He just got done his math homework, and he's looking at the DVD case. He's like, I don't know. Well, I guess maybe one more. And he does it. You're weird about jerking off when you're young. Oh, but the guy that was texting the girl, that guy's a serial cheater. He doesn't deserve a second chance. He does it over and over and over again.

But this guy who jerks off into his sister's stolen friend's panties, you know, it's a one-time thing. It's cute. You're just saying it in a mocking voice, but yes, that is my opinion. No, no, no. I wonder if you need to do an online poll on the website to see if Amir is in the right or Tom and Jake are in the right. Okay.

That's a good idea. Yeah. I would love to see what the populace thinks on both these issues. Yeah. Agreed. I would say they would agree with you on the first issue and me on the second issue. I don't know. I think we're going to get agreed with both times.

Of course you do. You agree with me. I think we're a little bit more, I think honestly, I think we're a little bit more understanding. We are. But so you have a zero dollars policy and then a more understanding i'm not saying for the cheater guy like that he should be hung up i'm just saying one strike and you're out well well yeah but in this one it's kind of like a serious cheating and stealing a pair of underwear is different very different especially when you're young and you kind of don't. You kind of still figure it out.

I remember when I first jacked off, the very first time, I stopped when I was about to come. I was like, oh, fuck, what was that? I broke it. And I got out of the shower, dried off, and be like, well, that'll never happen again. And it didn't. And it didn't.

And I'm filled to the lid with sin. I remember when I did that. Every time you cough, a little bit comes out. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. I'm just like when you fill up a cereal bowl all the way to the lid so that the meniscus is pouring over the bowl. That's who you are. Even as you walk around, there's sometimes a semen that'll slosh a little bit.

Yeah, yeah. I don't jog anymore. It'll just leak out nose eyes sometimes when i cut my toenails i'll like cut too far a little bit we'll see back wonderfully gross well that's it those are four good questions yeah fun different answers i'm glad we disagreed yeah disagreeing let's ask. Let's ask the internet who's right. Yeah, because morality is an abstract. You know, last time, just for the record, last time we did, was it on Twitter?

We asked if it was okay to meddle. Oh, meddle, yeah. And most people agreed with me. What do you think about that? What's male? If a girl's in a relationship, can you go after the girl? A.K.A. med meddling without knowing any other information than just simply that because there's a lot of circumstances yeah there could be like she could

be in a bad relationship you can be looking for a way out or whatever not in a non-married relationship honestly i think it's okay there it is there it is finally vindication i don't think i don't think i mean money it's bad form yeah yeah it's fucking it's a bad thing to do but i've been in situations where it's like and this girl's looking to get melded meddled oh no no you've done a terrible and so i i chained her down on the open in the open patio and put a son of magnifying glass louder i said is that you can like present yourself as a really solid option if that person wanted to leave. That's meddling. I don't think, but it's not saying like...

It's flirting. Come out with... No, you were saying like 100% go after a girl in a relationship. I don't think that... Wait, wait. I'm kind of thinking about it more. Well, we actually are out of time. No, no, no, no.

As a younger man, I would have meddled and did meddle. But now, if I was single, I found have meddled and did meddle. But now, if I was single, I found that out. That's poor form because you've got to put yourself in the other dude's shoes. I'm not saying

if this girl's in an abusive relationship, you shouldn't be like, hey, you should not be with that guy. I don't mean actual physical abuse because that's okay to meddle. But if a girl's

in a solid relationship and you're like, I just think this girl's pretty, I'm going to just poke around at this. Oh, that's fair. I don't know, but that's one extreme.

Another extreme is this girl's with a guy who's obviously not great, and I am so much better, and we get along very well. Should I just leave her alone until she breaks up with her boyfriend, or should I just continue hanging out with her, hoping to God that it creates a casual relationship? Even in the bad relationships, when I found out that the girl's immediately with someone, and that she was essentially being meddled with while he was with her, I'm so so mad and even though i was like a dickhole or something like it's it is bad form it's not gentlemanly behavior i'll tell you that poor form for sure so if you want to be a gentleman which is my new was my reformation it's an it's a it's a hard no i'm sorry i rescind my answer that was

insane what a complete turnaround well i think it's because it's it's a question that you sort of like as soon as you get more information it's easy to change your mind yeah yeah i mean there could be like if she's in a great relationship and you're a bad guy it's not worth it but if she's in a terrible relationship and you're a great guy are you even a great guy as soon as you start to meddle you're not necessarily a great guy well you said a nice guy can cheat yeah but then he has the consequence of having the relationship ended thank you what do you want me to say guys it's us versus you dude you guys go off to lunch together the thing is amir mankind we're all so many different shades of gray of gray there's no black and white man yeah that book 50 shades of gray uh-huh no no so many different shades of

gray it's a different book yeah it's a different book it's by Tom Weissman thanks for coming back Tom thanks so much for having me what a joy it was fun to have you it was do you want to plug anything

more than you already have meetup.org siliconvalley.com well I've plugged a couple shows websites grapefruiting your boyfriend yeah how to grapefruit your man

middle ditch on twitter yeah at middle ditch on twitter at tombini t-o-m-b-i-n-i on instagram on the grams yeah i don't know uh watch the emmys see if you'll see me i don't think i'll be out they might glance past me you do look like seth meyers who are you wearing not nice i don't think so man but yeah everybody it's because we have a long anglo anglo face who am? Oh, fuck. What am I? I think it's actually like a Valentino suit.

I think it's like a fancy boy suit. That's fucking dope. It's very slim fitted. I look kind of like a Jonas Brothers. What's the look now, though? I don't want to look

like a Jonas Brothers. Sockless? No socks? It looks more British than what they would ever put on their silly bodies. Well, so look out for that.

And if you guys have any questions of your own that you want us to yell about, if I were your show at gmail.com, or if you have any theme song submissions, And if you guys have any questions of your own That you want us to yell about If I were your show at gmail.com Or if you have any theme song submissions Or if you have any thumbnail submissions We've been using those when we upload them to Facebook That opening theme song was by Danny Cole

Without an E And this last one is by Sam Weah That's how he's said to pronounce his name Sam Weah So thanks guys for listening Thanks Thomas again for coming by We should have you on one more time and that's it Really?

Just four I'll take it Deal, please We'll be back soon Later guys Hey guys, it's Kristen. And it's Marnie from the Ask Women Podcast. And make sure to check out our podcast for all the advice you need to get the women that you want. And yes, I say women, plural, because we even talk about polygamy.

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