Segments - 99: Violence (with Brian Murphy)

Episode Date: September 1, 2014

Brian "Murph" Murphy joins us to discuss hurting people emotionally and physically. Mostly physically. This episode is brought to you by NatureBox.com, MeUndies.com, and HuluPlus.com! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

We got 99 episodes and this specific one is one. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken.

Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Ho! Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point.

Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all in one-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content,

product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah.

But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com.

Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first

purchase of a website or domain. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments, you save 10% off your first purchase, and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Let's start the episode. Murph's finally on. We're just getting through all those guests that people want. Thank God. Brian Murphy on the show.

Solid time. Let's get started. Thanks, Skyreal. Oh, yeah. Thanks, Skyreal. Close. So you've come to a fork in the road, yeah, yeah. And you're wondering which way you should go well if i were you if i were you

there's only one thing i know i would do yo do you but still write in too if i were you, show at gmail.com. If I were you, show at gmail.com. Ladies and gentlemen, Ben Folds. I was going to say Brian Murphy. You wrote and you starred in your own theme song for your own episode. That's a first. That was actually Michael Buono. Michael Buono. Was Michael Bueno.

Very good. Brian Murphy on the on the show yeah what's up guys finally shit dude not good enough for the big hundo though right the fucking 99 spot right it's better you're like right at the crest of the mountain that's weird that you think it's better because it's not who's who's in the hundo spot immediately comes on the podcast and puts us on blast you came out swinging this is i can't yeah i wanted to be on this to confront you guys why it took so long and it wasn't a milestone i was like are they they're saving me for the hundo spot no we wanted you to get as close. We wanted you in the top 100, the first 100. Right.

So without going over. So I would just get washed away with everyone else. It's like 100, that's a milestone. 101, start of a new era, potentially, right? Yeah, no, we're burying you in the past. Yeah. The 99er. This is the old guard.

You're the Wayne Gretzky. Yeah. Which, last time I i checked was the greatest hockey player i agree uh i agree because i know nothing about hockey it is funny like richter was good right yeah he was never oh we're breaking up he's also the greatest right uh we're recording this in a freezing ass office it's not too bad right now are you guys cold it's already cold we're not out we're out from under the vent now so it's not so bad yeah you thought it was really cold but you set up you set up the microphones directly under the aec yeah i figured we've tucked ourselves right into the corner where there's a little patch and the yeah the little

thermometer thing only has two options it's it's a moon or a snowflake so i don't know if it's what's supposed to be warm dark cold night oh shit it's so hot at night you know it's hot at night and it's cold and snowing during the day it's new york day during the day at winter and then the night is just a cool denver fall those are the two options. We pressed a little arrow all the way up to 90, and nothing's happening. It's a dummy box. We can do blizzard or breezy night. That's the best we can do for you.

It's such a bad design. I can't believe somebody was paid to make that. There are four buttons. An up button, a down button, a sideways button, and then the little moon slash night button. The moon slash snowflake button. Yeah, they're like, all right, here it is. We've designed it.

Up arrow, down arrow, right arrow, or moon flake. I think I quit, so take it or leave. We'll take it. We will take it. Don't worry, it won't actually turn off or on the vent. It will just always be cold cold it's a dummy box uh so murph have you ever heard this podcast okay so you basically get how it works right people email us uh in need of advice and we sort of dispense it as best we can sometimes it's just us and sometimes we have our friends that our fans demand we have

on the show right uh but then you like wait like you know yeah we've we've been long enough and then finally we're just like fuck we don't want to have them on on the new era right we don't want to like golden era yeah we want to have them in the in the dark age you want you on simpson season one not like simpson right right uh so but thanks for finally coming on oh yeah um it's a pleasure so i actually i've been on your guys subreddit and i tried to post something and i got downvoted like to hell for saying that i was myself because i guess people just i i was just like they buried you i don't remember what it was you have to get i was just like this i was like this is this is

murph this is what happened or whatever like defending myself or just talking about some video and then really emily the actual emily said this isn't murph and then we got into an argument in the comments and they downvoted both of us wait who what's your what's your screen name i think it's brian underscore murphy and nobody believed you and no one believed me and they just downvoted me that's so and then someone was like if this is the real murph you need to go through the mods and i was like one step too much effort the mods of course you have to go through the mods we should have them we should have them verified yeah i don't know how to do it let's get in touch with the mods yeah i think someone should that's my name i think brian underscore murphy

so some other brian murphy just got yeah it just makes the name and slanders my name. Here, the mods might be listening. So let me make sure I'm pronouncing them right. The mods are always listening. Fail Spy, Lava Swimmer, Take the Ride X. If you're out there, please verify Brian underscore Murphy. I can't take any more freaking down votes, man. And what is Emily's? I don't know.

Whatever one was arguing with me. My only comment in history is trying to defend myself that it was me. All right, all right. You want to get to some of these questions? We need fake names to preserve these people's anonymities. So you can go with a theme or make up any random name at the top of your head. Let's go with Igneous Rock. Oh, what's that it's a

type of rock so just igneous i know i know two types of rocks so i got two names i hope you don't go more than two questions yeah i'm gonna go on a freaking rant on this i really think you could if you racked your brain no but there's there's, it's like, I don't know. You know, I'm not going to waste my rocks on you right now. I need to save them. All right, here we go. Hey, guys, I was suspended from school last year for beating the shit out of a kid. Before you jump to conclusions, I did it because he wouldn't stop making jokes about a good friend of mine.

And those jokes were about suicide. And said friend had committed suicide about three months before. Jesus. Now I got back to school this year and I found out the kid was still making jokes and then also started making fun of me. I'm writing this email not to ask a question but to request permission.

Do you guys give me permission to kick the shit out of this kid again? Thanks so much. Igneous Rock. He was making fun of his friend who was dead? Yeah. Oh, jeez louise. That's pitch black, buddy. Yeah, I don't...

So do you give him permission to kick the shit out of him? I think violence... Twice? Well, I don't really think violence is the answer here. Yeah, I think the kid is clearly trying to provoke Igneous. He likes getting his ass kicked. I think he...

Yeah, I... I think he's just trying to make you mad. Right? Yeah. I don't want to tell how old is this kid. I don't want to be like, yeah, 14-year-old kid, go beat the shit out of some other 14-year-old kid but like part of me is like i know i know i was like if well if it's if it's you right if you if i were you if you were this guy what would you be doing i don't know i mean i was

have you ever beat the shit out of someone 14 i'd probably get the shit kicked out of me you were the one making jokes yeah you were the one who was getting made fun of, and then when you did something about it, you got the shit beat out of you. Yeah, this story is exactly the same, except I get suspended for getting my ass kicked and getting blood everywhere. For being a pussy.

Yeah. You got suspended for being a puss. Have you ever gotten the shit beat out of you? Yeah. How? Why? Well, I wasn't making fun of people for their dead friends. That's really fucked up. But I was a shit starter.

So I had a lot of friends who were on the football team, and they were a lot stronger than me. So I would pick on them as a joke to make them mad, and then they would destroy me yeah well here's the thing is that at a certain point i got a reputation that like i wouldn't shut up unless you basically just punched me in the face how old were you i was i was like 15 or 16 i didn't actually didn't get punched in the face that many times like maybe like two or three times. That's a lot.

That's a good amount. Yeah, it was always my fault. So I would kind of make my friends angry to the point that they would physically attack me. But then I would keep doing it because it would be so funny to keep making fun of them while they were beating me up. Were you afraid of getting punched in the face? Well, that's the thing. That's when I finally stopped is when I showed up to a party one time and I just loudly called

out my friend Bill and he just ran outside and decked me. What did you say to him that made him punch you? Because I called him out. I just called him a pussy. What does it mean? I challenged him to a fight on the front lawn as a joke. you know the lawn and he just he just it was me and another friend these are your friends these are all my friends

i haven't talked to him in a while but we're still we're still friends so your friends used to beat you up yeah i was a shit starter but oh but these are actually are you waiting for me to have some like revelation that i didn't have any friends and just got my ass kicked all the time yeah they were my friends shit starter i was kind of a cool dude that i would just bully people until they punched me why was it everyone lovedph, the old shit starter. He used to just sort of teet. Walk around school with your hands out, waiting for a high five,

but everyone's just hitting you. Oh, easy does it. They call me the human piñata. They would just wail on me. They would wail on me always. So why, were these people your actual friends? You would hang out with them? Yeah, they were my friends.

I would hang out with them. And then they would also punch you in the face? And then they would also, well, they would only punch me in the face if they had like, except that one time where he just came out swinging and decked me right in the head. Other than that, it would be like, they would kind of wrestle me at first. Like they'd be like, they'd be like, dude, stop. And they'd like keep punching me and I wouldn't stop.

Because the punch didn't hurt you. And then it would escalate. What was the most hurt you got ever um probably just that one time getting hit real hard in the face that hurt a lot like did you break a bone no no no no yeah i just went it was basically i had a group of friends that were cool, and then I had another group of friends that I hung out with more often. And me and the other not-cool friends would mess with the cool friends. This just sounds like I just got my ass kicked by the cool kids all the time, which I guess I did. I understand.

I was sort of in a similar boat, almost like in both groups. Right. You were breaching the popular kids a little bit but like you still had your nerd friends and they were the core friends right kids like to have you around for like so i was like relief right so i was like cool kid of my nerd friends and like the bitch of the cool kids right you know what i mean who would beat you up the very busy social cool kids would beat me up would you beat up your friends no i beat up no one it's funny because as you describe this story you're lifting up your hand and i just

see bruises all over your arms yeah you're bruised i am bruised yeah i started i started doing jiu-jitsu you're still fighting but yeah i'm still fighting but it's all i mostly train with people who are like like purple and brown belts. People have been doing it for a while, so I still get beat up. It looks like you're getting purple. I think you are this kid's bully. You like getting your ass kicked. Yeah.

You get some kind of pleasure out of it. I just don't mind it. I just like roughhousing. You like pain. A little bit. You like wrestling. I just like wrestling around. Yeah.

But you also like the WWE. Yeah. And you just like, I don't know, pain. A little bit. You like wrestling. I just like wrestling around. Yeah. Having a good time. But you also like the WWE. Yeah. And you just like, I don't know, pain. I just like physicality. And you guys know I love jacked dudes. Yeah. More than Jake, probably. Or would you say you guys have that in common?

I'm more like, I don't know. I'm more interested in cut dudes. I think Murph. He likes some otter mode. It's not cool. What's that. I think Murph... He likes some otter mode. What's that? Otter mode is like... Girls like otter mode. It's like runners.

Oh yeah, like just athletes. Like a skinny six pack. A nice lean muscle. You all like usable muscle. Climber muscles. I'll tell you what usable muscle is. Fucking strong men muscle climber muscles yeah usable muscle i'll tell you what usable muscle is fucking strongmen pulling pulling trucks like a rope like the big show that's a body no it's people see like the cover of muscle and fitness and be like look at that monster and i'm

like just prime male form just an absolute absolute specimen. Triple H with super wet, greasy hair. Chugging the water and spitting it out. Just always wet. Just the absolute perfect man. Triple H just gets out of a shower, dries off, and he's just still soaking wet. He's always just wet. It's funny because in our web series, you play that same guy. Yeah.

It's not that different, except for the fact that we're friends and I'm not actually violent. Yeah. It's more just... The jokes come from a very real place. Yeah, it's true. But just love being jacked, love hurting people. So what would you tell this guy? Green light to beat the shit out of this guy?

I think it's not doing him any good. I think he's dealing with a real shit bag here yeah maybe he can get him in trouble tattle that's what i'm saying tattling is the ultimate the ultimate beat down this this kid obviously needs attention if he's like making suicide jokes and all that stuff like you don't want to give him any kind of attention positive or negative because that's what he's looking for. That's true. Ignoring him is probably a really good way to go. That's exactly what he...

Then when he lets his guard down... This is what's going to happen if you ignore someone. He's going to keep on needling and needling because he'll know that that blow up is finally going to be so... If I'm just sitting there stoic, not saying anything. He just keeps on needling. He knows how satisfying that is. And I finally explode. He'll go for that.

So just try to outlast him. And if you can't, tattle. Tattle. I think there's a pride in tattling. I think it's a quiet – it's more of a shameful pride. I think it's a loud pride. I think you should straight up say to him like, all right, keep on making those jokes. I will tattle on you. I'm not afraid of being a shameful pride. I think it's a loud pride. I think you should straight up say to him, like, all right, keep on making those jokes. I will tattle on you.

I'm not afraid of being a snitch. I'll get you in trouble. I'm going to tattle. I'm going to record you making fun of me, and I will tattle. You think you're so fucking tough, big boy? Well, I'm going to tell the principal. I'm going to record, and I'm going to show it to everybody so everyone sees how heartless and mean you are. And I'm going to tell the principal.

And I'm going to tell our teacher. Kids will like you, but it's all only tell adults who will yell at you and make you go to therapy or some shit i think he could maybe turn everyone against this other kid like just act super mature about it and if the kid makes fun of him be like wow i think that is incredibly offensive that you would joke about something like that oh say that as a child to another you should start almost like telling other people like if he says something to you just like turn to whoever's next to you like hey did you hear that like this guy just made fun of that dude and then like just start telling everybody what he's doing tattling because i think this

guy is like quietly trying to pressure you into getting upset but if you start like spreading this whole entire like make it bigger than just him yeah you sort of want to ruin his life yeah make him be ridiculed yeah i mean if this if uh igneous was suspended for beating this kid up the kid probably just wants him to get expelled so he's probably just trying to piss him off so we can get beat up again that's true yeah don't fight him don't fight him igneous tattle tattle there you have it uh all right next question oh wow what's another type of rock metamorphic rock bitches these are all violence related okay is that a coincidence no yeah you chose them hey guys long time. Long-time listener, first-time writer. I'm one of your day ones, and it seems I'm in need of some advice, so here's the problem. I've been dating this girl for a month or two now, and things are pretty good.

We were friends for a long time before we started dating, and so I thought things would be great when we finally got together. The problem is she can be incredibly violent and aggressive. She's super into play fighting, but she always gets too rough, often slapping, punching, and hitting me in the face. But as a guy, there's nothing I can do back to her. Or is there? What should I do? I'm practically being abused by my girlfriend. Thanks, metamorphic.

Okay, I just want to point out, not only do I not get the hundo spot, I get like Domestic abuse and suicide Questions Every other one's like I'm trying to give my boyfriend a blowjob But I don't know how to do it This dude's getting

Beat to shit by his girlfriend And I gotta find a way to make it funny So far so good So far so good I'm So far, so good. I'm out, man. Can you hit back? No. All you can do is restrain, and then, like, that ends up hurting her.

I think he said they've been dating for a month. Yeah. Break up. Break up so hard. Right? That's the ultimate fighting move. This is not... Like slapping your face.

I dump you. Yeah, exactly. You're done. One hurt more, baby. That's what you can do. Tattle. Because it's only going to get worse, right? Because what month-long problems are you having that they're resorting to violence?

Maybe that's just like she likes physicality, too. Don't you ever wrestle with your lady? Didn't... Not in like he says she's getting she's getting rough to the point that he's reaching out to us and he's thinking of hitting her back so we're thinking we're dealing with two crazy people here do anything right right i'm not asking all these advice i'm asking for your permission why do all these kids just want me want us to tell them that they can beat this shit out of people they all want green lights this should be another podcast we started just whether or not we give people green lights this actually coming out of this podcast part of me was like oh what if we get like some kind of

like sex question or something that's like that's a lot of responsibilities like having to like give teenagers like advice on this stuff i don't want anyone to ever do anything because i say something and then people are just like do you can i can i beat the shit out of this person well that's nice because it's pretty black and white yeah can i punch my girlfriend no no answer permission denied permission always denied um yeah I I think you could lay some ground rules I think you'd be like yo I'm down to

I'm down to fight like this is fun uh don't hit me in the face right no scratching if I if I have like a scratch

or a bruise that lasts a long time we're gonna we're gonna stop right the other thing go limp just give up

I really think she's only resorting to the scratching and the punching because he's trying to fight back and she wants to win. She's competitive. So he should just go limp. Does this remind you of anything from your own life? Has this ever happened to you to any extent? I used to, I guess I wrestled with girlfriends. Everybody wrestles with a girlfriend. It's kind of fun and playful.

Everyone does it at least once. I guess if it's just playing around and she gets a little bit rough, but the end of that email where it's like, can I do something about it, instantly made me picture just the worst domestic abuse situation. And I completely forgot about the play fighting. It just went out the window. Did this happen to you?

The closest thing or what it reminded me of is like being with a girl who likes to like tickle me a lot and like I can't. What do you do? I don't hate being tickled but like I giggle, I laugh, I can't breathe and like I can't do anything but like shove someone to stop. Who did

that? I can't say. I'll bleep the anything but like shove someone to stop who did that i can't say i'll bleep the name out in post i'll mouth it really yeah i mean it's just playful like oh you tickle tickle tickle ha ha ha i stop it i can't breathe i can't breathe and then like yeah like i have to shove you you're forcing me did you ever shove her and she was like you really shouldn't push me i think it probably got real once where i like would grab her to stop and i was like a tense moment like oh i'm squeezing her wrist this is the weirdest episode you abuse someone i would never harm someone on purpose but i just it

she made me giggle to the point where i couldn't breathe i think i think um if you want to win it's just submission holds you can't like i think you can't you can't put her in like any pain but you can yeah you can't counter attack you can only block i think it's like similar to like when i used to wrestle my little brother before he could kick my ass yeah like i wouldn't i never wanted to like put him out i never wanted to like punch him and lay him out And have him hurt But I would usually just

Wrap his arms up and pin him down And I was like are you going to stop Are you going to stop And then you could walk away The whole stop hitting yourself thing So I think you could pin her down I think you could pin her down Not let her move

And I think you could say I win Admit I you could pin her down, not let her move. And I think you could say, I win. Admit I win. Call it true. Here's what I'm saying. If it's just the play fighting, stop play fighting because you guys don't know how to do it. If it's more than just the play fighting, which the end of the email would lead me to believe, break up. It does seem like the play fighting has gotten to his head. He's spending alone time writing out

the email just like, I don't want to just... We've been dating for a month, three weeks of that month typing with his pinkies because his wrists are in a cast. Could he just say like, hey, I don't want to do this anymore. Just the play fighting.

Just the fighting. Maybe it's something she used to do with another boyfriend and she thinks it's cute. Or maybe it's just something she's like started to do with you and she thinks you like it. It might be that. You could always just have one conversation. It sounds like it's... Just to say, hey, why is this happening? And I don't like it.

It sounds like it's just a bad situation. Anytime anyone has a problem and they've been dating for a month, I'm just like, stop. But what if he goes to break up with her? She hurts him. Well, what if she's like, she really likes him. He says, hey, I don't want to go out with you anymore. She's like, why? Is it anything I did?

He's like, no, no, I'm just not really feeling this. And she feels awful. And she would have changed. She would have done play fighting differently. I think you should always give the person. I guess I'm reading into this more. She needs a performance review. Just one performance review. Okay. A warning. A warning before you punch

her. Yeah. Yeah. Fair warning. But don't actually punch her. Don't ever do that. Yeah. I think we can all agree that we shouldn't hit anybody. Right. Right? No one has permission to beat anybody up. Never. If this next question is like my dad's been giving me lip he's a 90 pound weakling my grandfather's on life support he's making my dad's bank account go dry

why won't he just pass on do i have permission to punch my grandfather's heart? At what age do you think you could have beaten up your dad, if at all? I don't know. I think – when did it – you still couldn't beat up your dad. Your dad's in shape. Yeah, my dad's fit. My dad's in shape, but I'm like – he doesn't do as many pull-ups and push-ups as I do. And I'm tall. So when do you think?

Who has a more killer instinct? He's smarter than I am. He tells me that all the time. I think I probably could have beat him up once I went. That was probably like four years ago. Oh, so even throughout college you could have beat him up. I was pretty unhealthy. I think he would probably like four years ago, the first time I could do that. Oh, so like even throughout college you could have beat him. I was pretty unhealthy. I think he would have been able to.

Oh, I feel like we talked about this on the podcast. I beat him in an arm wrestle like two years ago for the first time. Oh, that's exciting. That was big. What about you? Jury's still out. What's your dad like? My dad.

I just imagine like a carpenter. Oh, is he? He's a retired cop. Oh, really? Yeah. He's a pretty big dude. I imagine like a carpenter. Oh, is he? He's a retired cop. Oh, really? Yeah. He's a pretty big dude. I imagine like Norm from Cheers. Like George Wendt is your dad.

No, not Norm from... You know what he's like? He's like the dad from The Wonder Years. Oh, wow. Is the best way. Does he have any... So he's a big guy. Yeah, he's a pretty big guy.

Does he have like thick fingers? Yeah, it's thick. Big hairy fingers? Big hairy knuckles? He has pretty big sausage fingers uh what is his does he have facial hair um no not really cool but he's uh yeah i don't know i'm in better shape than him i'm definitely stronger than him now but he is an intense dude and i just like won't lose right yeah it's exactly exactly but how much did you weigh

when you're at your peak like a year ago well i like to think i'm at my peak now well your weight when i was your most when i was fat as hell yeah uh uh i was changed so yeah i know i would you say you went from like wait what'd you say at your lowest before that peak you're at what 150 i was at like i weighed like probably 155 pounds then i ballooned up to 190 pounds so you gained 35 pounds in how long in like a in like two years okay yeah so you went from the last like 20 pounds of that was in six months. It was not healthy. Yeah, it was thick. Yeah, it was thick.

And then from 190, which was a year ago, Ron? Last summer? No, 190 was October or November of this year. So I guess that's been close to a year. Yeah. 190. And then in the last year, what are you down to now? Like 165.

See, you went from 155 to 190 to 165 in the course of like 30 months you're christian bale it but with like a shitty body so just like had i had like bigger arms and a huge gut and now i'm like i look i work out like six days a week but my diet is so shitty that i look like a guy who just you know like lifts air conditioners for a living. I look kind of hardy, but not really. You know what I mean? So what made you want to go from 190 back to 165? I looked gross.

I looked gross. I had like a big gut, and it was just diminishing returns so it was you know when you first start lifting and stuff you get stronger just by lifting just by doing some physical activity but then at a certain point you need to eat more so i started eating like like a thousand more calories a day than i needed and if i was eating like chicken and salad i would have gotten sliced like i would have looked good but i wasn't i was eating like chicken parmesan sandwiches yeah exactly and then so i got like a little bit stronger but mostly just fat and then what video if people are curious are you is you at your fattest me at my fattest is um insulting the boss with a punk rock video

you'll see me uh it's me and streeter sitting across looking not that different a desk from sam and my gut looks really fucking big and that was really big was that an eye opener that was an eye opener that was that was uh seeing myself on camera there was not cool it was not nice i think i just thought everything was gonna work out like everything was just gonna settle yeah like like it was all just gonna come together and you still don't diet now i do um i do to a certain extent i probably eat like one bad meal a day instead of like eating six meals a day and two of them are bad you know what i mean? I eat like a normal person now. I eat like three meals a day.

Right. And then one of them is not quite healthy. Yeah. But sometimes I eat pretty healthy. That's sort of what I am at. It's like, oh, I'll have a salad for lunch, and now I can have pizza for dinner. Exactly.

But I'll never have a salad and then another salad. Right. I have to reward myself. Being a jacked dude is a lifestyle it's not a hobby and i can't i can't abide by the lifestyle but i want it so bad but you just don't want it so bad that you don't want i want pizza more if someone was like if someone was like murph would you rather be like on snl or be so jacked i would i think i would choose so jacked you idiot you could have said both but but you still just like bad for you food yeah i just love

it yeah it's like is it worth it is the pros of being jacked worth the cons of not eating sandwiches ever yeah the answer is no to most people that's why they of being jacked worth the cons of not eating sandwiches ever? Yeah. The answer is no to most people. That's why they're not jacked. That's why no one's jacked. Let's take a quick break right now to do a quick commercial, and then we'll come back and do questions three and four. How's that sound?

Perfect. Tight. Just a quick, quick note to thank one other sponsor this week, and that is Hulu Plus. Who? Hulu? Hulu Plus? Plus.

Oh. What is the plus? Well, you've used Hulu on your computer, but the plus is... And we're back. That was insane. All right. Yeah. People don't know, but we take six weeks off in between that commercial break.

I weigh 230 pounds. What happened, dude? Everything changed. I ballooned up, man. All right, let's try to answer some more questions. Can I get another, I believe, guy's name? I wanted to give another type of volcanic rock, but this guy's name is magma dirt

magma dirt rights i'm coming to a bit of a predicament yesterday i got back from a week-long vacation with my friend please don't beat the shit out of your friend please while i was away my brother was supposed to feed my hamster every day when i got home i found that my hamster every day. When I got home, I found that my hamster had been starved to death. In a fit of rage, I attacked my brother and he ended up in a serious concussion. What the fuck? The issue here is my parents don't know about my hamster and I was keeping him in my room secretly

because they told me I was not allowed to have any pets. Now my parents think I attacked my brother for no reason and he's just going along with it they're even saying they're going to send me to therapy or some shit what do i do do i tell them i tell them the truth my parents are extremely strict and i'd probably get into serious trouble and lose my xbox help what would you get into more trouble for having a hamster or beating the shit out of your brother for no reason it sounds like i don't know the hamster the hamster because he's gonna lose he

said he's gonna lose his xbox and like i don't think i don't think having a hamster is a good enough reason to beat like if you if you are like homeboy killed his hamster yeah i beat the shit out out of um what was this this guy's name was magma dirt i beat this shit out of lava dirt lava dirt because he because he murdered my hamster you're that is just gonna be like you were supposed to have a hamster right it's not a good enough reason to beat the shit but it might be like one of those things where it's a tragedy because the hamster died so maybe you won't get in trouble like did you ever like for you yeah like maybe if you like weren't supposed to like go out or something that night but like you snuck out but then like you broke your arm it's like your parents aren't gonna be mad at you they're gonna

just try to help you oh they're gonna be like oh you idiot you got yourself into trouble yeah exactly but it's like you learned your own lesson if you have a hamster it'll die your brother will kill it parents really love honesty so even if you've done something wrong like all they'll be thinking about is like that you came clean so they'll be really happy so you just sit them down be like look i know i wasn't supposed to but i had a hamster and they're like what and and lava lava starved him to death and that's why i hit him i know i shouldn't have done it But I just wanted you to know I had a reason

Right Also not Also not cool that he beat He gave his brother a concussion By beating him That's bad right That's really bad yeah If you're upset because

Your brother didn't care for a life You just didn't care for his life Yeah Do you understand And you're a human He's a human He's a human not a hamster The hamster

I could step on 90 hamsters today and everything would be fine. I could kill. No. I'm not going to do it. But, like, they're pretty inconsequential as an animal. That's where our animals are concerned. I think it's okay. You still should starve.

His brothers, everyone in this. How the fuck does he know that the brothers starved it? What did he do? He came back and was like, this thing clearly starved to death like i don't know it's a hamster sometimes they just die did you just get hamsters hamsters are fat little dudes he was a skinny little dude it's like murph he was 190 pounds he was a he was a fat swole little hamster when he left him he came back he was a bitchly 165 pounds you know it lava you know i guarantee he probably came back and he's like how's my hamster and he's like oh shit Like, can you imagine the fucking deer in headlights look that brother gave? He's like, whoa!

He's like full on raised to the cage. Oh, it's fine, it's fine. Like it might be. Go! I'll get him some water. I'll get him some water. He's probably just been playing on the wheel. I'm concussed.

Mother! Mother! Where am I? I like that that the kid stuck to his story too He's just like Yeah I beat the shit out of my brother for no reason I was mad at him And I beat him I beat him until he was hurt

Until he was concussed You know your parents should send you to therapy And then you can tell your therapist the truth and see what you should do next. You should absolutely tell your parents the truth, and not that you shouldn't have beaten up your brother. What he did was not cool. Yeah.

What you did was not cool. Less cool, I would say. But I think give your parents some context, because at the very least they deserve that. And then they can decide if your actions against your brother were... Justified. Well, they're certainly not justified, but maybe the punishment will be different. Maybe now they won't have to waste their money sending you to therapy.

You might need therapy. Yeah, obviously. How do you have rage issues? This hamster... What's your rage over that? Think about how bad of a life this hamster must have had, right? What was he kept? He was kept under a bed or something in the dark like in a closet yeah the hamster wanted to die the hamster did want to die right like what is hamster that hamster wanted out do you guys

ever have a hamster what do you feed a hamster like little pellets yeah they also run on a little wheel that makes a lot of noise so i don't know he disabled the wheel he definitely had scratched into the wheel avenge me avenge me magma think of the stress of like what how much joy do you get out of a hamster that it's worth the stress of like hiding a living thing forever bags of feed just like like hiding in his back all it does is sit in the cage. You go try to grab it and it runs to the corner. You hold it and it'll pee on you and then you just have to empty its shit out. This is you as a dad talking to a four-year-old boy. As a kid, I loved pets.

I would try to get as many. My mom once let me and my sister buy two mice and we went into Petco and we were like, we want a male and a female. And my mom had told us to only get two male or two female but we got we got male and female they had a bunch of little pink little mice yeah terrible we starved each and every one of them we fed them to our other pets like it was only exciting to buy the pets then once that we had the mice they were just kept in the basement like by my dad's workshop no i never even saw them or fed them oh god uh so we're saying do the uh tell your parents the truth at the very least you don't have a hamster anymore so they can't get that mad at you yeah you don't have the hamster

anymore and then two your your your beat down is slightly more justified though not entirely you want a reason for why you flew off the handle yeah like? Like, I think it's less crazy for you to have broken the no hamster rule than it is for the, I beat the shit out of my brother. For no reason. Straight up, no reason. There's also a chance your parents know about the hamster.

Kids are not as smart as they think. Parents know more than kids. Yeah, they just walk in, they hear the little wheel go, like a hamster. I showered for 45 minutes, Mom. Yeah. I washed all of my stuff, and I didn't masturbate in there.

So, good day. The water's cold because I took a long shower because I was very dirty. Not because I was masturbating. Also, the semen in the drain was not because I was masturbating. I fell asleep, and as young boys are wont to do. I had a wet dream. I had a wet dream. In a wet dream in the shower and i ejaculated in my sleep it wasn't even jerk off brian just go to your room you know how do you

know about him i don't don't have a hamster i'm just i just purchased this small scarf as a sort of little tchotchke for myself good day uh all right break time what do you want to ask murph during the break i just wanted to hear the story of him and his fiancee now we can skip that we're just running out of time let's do a question excuse me it's just cool that they met we wrote brian and emily into a video yeah we wrote them becoming engaged in a video. Are you going to show that at your wedding? No. Emily Wayne Dalton. Yeah.

I'm going to do 10 minutes of stand-up. Then we'll have to video. Do you have pressure to not be funny at the wedding? No. If anything, when we first announced that we were engaged, a lot of people thought that we were kidding. And it actually made me kind of mad. I'm like, I'm a human capable of love, of being serious about all this stuff.

Nah, it's a bit. It's a bit probably. It's not a bit, dude. But your first kiss ever is on camera. That's true. That's very rare. You can show that to your kids. Yeah.

Where are your kids, by the way? What? Where are your kids? They're feeding the shit out of each other. They're in the hamsters. Oh, shit. I forgot to feed them. Yeah.

Also, yeah, I kissed Jake, too. Oh, yeah. Shit. We had our first kiss before you and Emily had your first kiss. Yeah, I think so. Or no. Was it after? No.

It was before. Me and you kissed. Oh, yeah. And then the next night was your kiss scene. Do you think you still would have married Emily if we didn't write that? Just the fact that you're considerate means we would. We're priests. We certainly spent a lot of time together because of you guys.

Right. So I'll give you that. That's cool. Yeah. And that was just a throwaway joke. The first instance of it was we had a picture of Murph. It was like Secret Santa 2 oh yeah it was it was just the idea was that some that you gave Emily a picture of your face

yeah and it was a really ugly picture of your face but like you chose Emily out of the blue yeah but and the but also we just wrote it in the script as it's like a really ugly picture and Emily improvised being attracted to oh it's a picture really ugly picture and emily improvised being attracted to oh it's a picture of murph and he looks real yeah i was just like it's a picture of murph and then the joke was just to cut to you and you have the same face yeah emily was like it's a picture of murph and he looks really good that's you and you have that same face it certainly i will say it made everything easier because with like the the the relationship uh uh on jake and amir it was like i could read into those things like even though none of it was real i'd be like i'd be like oh well she kissed me a little bit longer than i think she would have kissed somebody who

she didn't like so so it probably gave me some false confidence, honestly. Or was it true? I guess it was true confidence. Was it justified? Nah, probably. Emily. Open the door. She's asleep.

So, okay. So me and Jake are responsible for that. What else? What else did we do good? Well, if they ever have kids one day. Yeah, that'll be us that's us as a godfather I would think so at the very least a godmother

that's fair if I should like on the first one just name him Jake and Amir or if I should just hope to have two boys or just any two children although yeah you don't want to name one kid Jake and Amir. I bet that's a little weird.

Jacob, Amir Murphy, Hurwitz, Amir, Jacob, Murphy, Emily, and we'll both be taking Jake's last name,

Jake Dolphin and Amir Dolphin, Emily Wayne Dolphin. I want to, for the rest of my life. That was so hard to get through. Um, so funny. When's the wedding?

Uh, next month. Where's the wedding? Uh, I don't want to get through. It was so funny. When's the wedding? Next month. Where's the wedding? I don't want to reveal that. Come on, dude. Just the location of the church. Everybody on Reddit. Well, we wish you a Merry Christmas.

The best indeed. Namaste. Thank you, sir. Honeymoon? Honeymoon. Europe. Going all over that shit. Europe trip.

Berlin. Amsterdam. We're going to Berlin. Yeah? Yeah. That's actually a over that shit. Euro trip. Berlin. Amsterdam. We're going to Berlin. Yeah? Yeah. That's actually a good time to talk about it. We have a show in London coming up. Perfect.

Yeah. If you're in London, September 8th, Monday, come hang out. Live podcast. Sold out, maybe. Live show before that. Not sold out. Still tickets available. Is it not a good one?

What's the deal? Why is it not sold out? I think because it's an earlier show. It's at 7. Oh, I was going to say because it wasn't a good one. Why is it not sold out? I think because it's an earlier show. It's at 7. Oh, I was going to say because it wasn't a good one. If you're in Berlin, we'll just be hanging out there. From September 10th to the 17th, is that when you're going to be in Berlin?

Ooh, you're just going to miss me. I'm going to be there the 23rd. Oh, shit. I should leave you something, like a cracker or a note. Yes, definitely a note. Let's do note. If it's between cracker and note. Leave me a cracker on the rocks of the Berlin Wall.

If you just walk over near there and find any cracker, that'll just be from me. Here, let's do this. Walk into the Holocaust Museum, okay? And then just keep turning right until you find the first bathroom. If there's a paper towel dispenser, I'll leave you a cracker. You're going to go to the Holocaust Museum just so you can leave Murphy a note? Or a cracker.

Or a cracker. You should really just try to take that experience in. I will after I leave the note. Right. The cracker. He doesn't want to have to think about the cracker the whole time he's at the Holocaust Museum. That's why he's going to get rid of it early. Here's something you were talking about. You give yourself a haircut always you just buzz your

head yeah just buzz my head but for your wedding you can't do that i can do it um i'd like to look not like an idiot though but what's that you're gonna just pay a guy to do it for you but he's gonna do the same thing i guess so there's like probably the like subtle differences i know that every time i do go to get an actual haircut, they're like, my God, what have you done to yourself? Because they'll be just little hairs that are way longer than the other ones. Or I'll have a little bit of a mullet thing going on in the back. I think you can't tell the subtleties of it now.

What do you do when you cut your hair? You just shave one size all around? Shave the top with a five. Sides with a three. The rest of it is dealer's choice. Then the lady straightens it out in the back with a zero. I guess the straight edge, yeah. That seems fine. I think you can get married on that.

You think so? Well, I mean, your wedding's so soon anyway. Isn't it like in a couple weeks or a month, you said? Yeah, so I guess if I get a haircut. You grow your hair for a month and then get a haircut like the day before. Well, I'll get it. No, I'll get a haircut like a week before so I don't have that. Because I look like a 12-year-old boy every time I get a haircut.

And in general. I never get a good haircut. Yeah, and in general. You should go somewhere nice to get the haircut. Exactly. That's what I'll do. Good. I'll splurge.

Fantastic. I'm just going to go. I'm not going to send you to a barber on our time for being a guest. Guest number 99. Wow. I'd like to. You think so? Do I get a hundo spot?

Oh, you mean $100? Yeah, $100. We'll give you $99. Seriously, who's on the fucking hundo spot? You don't want to know, dude. We're saving it. Emily. Is it really?

No, no. That would be so funny. Should we get to one last question? Yeah, I think there's time. I think especially because this one's not about violence. Yeah. That one took such a turn. I was like, hamsters, thank God.

Oh, no, the hamster's dead. Oh, no, he beat the shit out of me. There's a concussion involved. All right, here we go question number four the relationships did get more intense friend girlfriend brother yeah all right next one uh okay uh i'm trying to oh this is a lady we need a lady rock name okay uh slate.com uh i am 24 years old and i am in a relationship with a great guy we have been together for seven months and i don't see our relationship ending anytime soon

however i was on his laptop the other day and i started typing something into google and as soon as i typed exe the first thing that popped up was exercises to lift breasts. I looked at the search results and the first five links had been clicked. Not only that, but the last few times we had gone to the gym together, he recommends that I work out my upper body. What the heck is going on? I'm five foot two and I weigh 110 pounds. My breasts are very large for my frame and naturally large breasts tend to not be as perky as small ones. What's going on? two girlfriends and realized now that they both had small breasts. Now I feel self-conscious when I wear a bra when... Now I feel self-conscious and wear a bra when we have sex.

Is he even attracted to me? What should I do? I don't want to make things awkward, but I know I have been acting differently towards him. Help me Jake and Amir. And Murph. Love. Slate. Slate. So the search was exercises to lift breasts. And they've been in a relationship for seven months, so you can't tell them. Slate. So the search was exercises to lift breasts.

And they've been in a relationship for seven months, so you can't tell them to break up. I think they should break up. Right? What do you mean to lift breasts? Like, to make them less saggy? She's saying she has large breasts, so I think

naturally they're going to be a little saggier than, like like little boobs right because there's more gravity and more weight to them that's just the way we're not being sexist this is science yeah treading very lightly are gonna be lower down well this guy's the sexist one so yeah he's he's he's trying to like um secretly give her exercises that he think he thinks will like what an odd thing that he can say. It's such a weird thing for him to do. You know that exercise that sucks fat from boobs back into your body?

That is real. I'm a little miffed by it too. Yeah. I think it... I'm, as always, reading into this. Sure. And I think he's probably like picky in particular and controlling he likes smaller brooms can you no i think this this has to lead into other things i don't think

there's any guy who's just like like my uh girlfriend's breasts need to sit a little higher i'm gonna look up all kinds of exercises for her and when we go to the gym i'm going to have her do set exercises until her breasts lift like right that's not the one thing that he's thinking right there's gotta be a million there's other stuff so like what i don't know i get i guess he's like my girlfriend drives a passat but i really think she should be in a cadillac meaning i don't know just like just micromanaging every little part yeah i mean yeah maybe he's trying to micromanage her body you know well she's getting an issue because of it a body issue i'd like to see what the first five links said well you want to lift your breasts all right that's completely is it possible that he

um has breasts and he's trying to figure out how to make his breasts go away? I'm guessing she could tell from the links what it was leading to, right? I don't think she's clicking on those five links and it's just like a dude with huge pecs. Here's an exercise question for you. Are there exercises that target specific kind of fat, or you just exercise and then your body genetically chooses which fat to get rid of? I don't think it's super effective to try to burn fat off of particular areas. You can definitely gain muscle in particular areas from working them.

Right, but can I lose fat in my stomach versus my face? I don't know. i don't know i don't know i think you've been doing uh sit-ups with a medicine ball on your face yeah i've been doing facial crunches for the past year and a half but i well also let's address oh no okay she wasn't really snooping on his computer she just typed in something and then she typed in exe and the auto exercises to lift breasts. That weird shit popped up. It's not so crazy that she could mention that to him.

Yeah. I think she needs to bring it up with him. Right. Especially if it's giving you these issues. Like he might – the thing is bringing it up is going to be the cure because either he's going to just ease ease all your fears and say oh no i was doing this uh totally innocent thing or like oh i just had this like one concern about this thing and he's a good guy or he's like yeah i want your breasts to be right and then you could be like okay they're not and we're and you're not my boyfriend anymore right i think that you take it or leave

it yeah i think this will be a bringing something like that up with them will be a true test of like kind of what he's made of is he just like being nitpicky about this one weird thing and he'll like apologize or back off or you'll i i just it's it's kind of a weird thing for him to be searching that honestly right is it crazy to say that she should get a secret breast reduction and say that the exercises freaking work? Holy shit, I'm going to beat you up. What? Permission to beat up Amir.

Granted. For people who are saying that, I think you get punched. You be you. It's like the corollary of you do you. That's what we should tell her. You be you. You be you. That way. Yo do you, you. That's what we should tell her. You be you. You be you. That way.

Yo do you, it sort of encompasses what we're saying here. Just so you know. Just so you know. Don't think of it as a corollary, but sort of a subsection under the umbrella of you do you. Imagine how shitty you would feel if you were put in that position. Like you knew something about yourself. Like me, I have like really big stupid teeth. If I just like went on my laptop

and like I only was just searching like dental surgery. Exercises to make teeth smaller. Ways to make teeth smaller and less pointy. That would be the worst. That's because you're, but you're like aware of, I don't know if you're insecure about your teeth.

That's almost like the biggest fear ever. Like if you're like, I'm insecure about my teeth, and then she's looking up ways to fix your teeth. This girl's like proud of her breasts, as she should be. They sound great. I'm into it. Yeah. So it's sort of like a surprise.

She's like, wait, what? He doesn't like them. I would think that's maybe even worse, right? That's true, yeah. Yeah, it's almost like- Right, something that you don't even want to change about yourself. Totally. Right, it's exercises to fix, and then it's something that you like about yourself.

Like, for me, it would be my hair. Exercises to fix your hair? Yeah, I would freak out. I'd be like, what the fuck are you talking about? It's perfect. It's fine. And you're a piece of shit. It's better than you.

But if it was, like, exercises to make your face look less like a chipmunk, I'd be like, okay, I get that. I kind of like i understand you want that i know why you want that is that why you're asking her if i had to burn fat in your face yeah so by the way where do we land on that vis-a-vis chiseled jaw for this bit uh how would you say you lose face fat this is me eating an acorn talking to you uh yeah all right the end the end i think how was episode 100 we did it guys oh no we did it guys episode 100 we might uh put this one up a little early weird yeah we might hang on to it and do it for 102 actually oh that sort of no i feel like because 99 i feel like 100. What if we just date down to like episode

58 and we put this one up there? Or we really back bury it. Yeah. We realize that episode 72 is missing. So this one is like actually 98. You just post an old one as the new one and you put you bury mine among the other old ones

so you have to go search through the archives to find it. So one super fan on Reddit's like, I was re-listening to episode 53 and Murph said it. Turns out Murph was on it. He was talking about how fat he was in November, but it was in November, which was weird. Anything you want to plug? Maybe your wedding?

No. Is that crazy? Keep in mind that people listen to this show, so what you say right now will be heard uh i just i want to promote my uh reddit account uh brian underscore murphy that is really me oh that's good that is real i hope it's really me i haven't been on in like months and if it's not ever since you got down uh jake do you want to plug anything uh the london shows that's it that's it what about our vine I want to promote our vine

thanks for asking Amir did you want to mention our vine the vine is Jake and Amir either Jake and Amir or Amir Blumenfeld I'm still not sure so look him up thanks for coming on the show we'll have you back on episode I don't know 198 or something

something sort of close to a big deal, but not. Thanks so much for listening, everybody. We'll be back later. Oh, shit. The closing theme song and all that other stuff. If you have your own question or theme song submission, you can send it to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. We're also still accepting thumbnail submissions.

When we post our episodes on Facebook, we've been using custom thumbnails that you guys have been making for us. That opening theme song was from Michael, and this closing theme song is from Hoon Kong. See you guys. Bye. It's a podcast hosted by Jake and Amir. They would give you mockery but real advice.

So believed in're not professionals But they're very sincere It's called if I were you Every Monday Two Seasons Don't ever hesitate If you have any Real advice Just email if I were you

Show at Gmail.com Hey everybody, it's Nicole Polizzi, but you may know me as Snooki from MTV's Jersey Shore. I totally feel like Snooki doesn't exist anymore, so I want you guys to get to know Nicole. Download my new podcast, Naturally Nicole, at podcastone.com. Snooki doesn't exist anymore, so I want you guys to get to know Nicole. Download my new podcast, Naturally Nicole, at PodcastOne.com. A lot has changed in my life with becoming a mother, getting married, losing weight, being fit. So be a part of my new, fantastic, fabulous world.

Download Naturally Nicole every Tuesday at PodcastOne.com. That's Podcastone.com. That's podcastone.com.