Segments - Bonus: Cheese and Fish (w/Billy Scafuri!) 2019

Episode Date: December 25, 2023

Christmas break has us releasing a classic IF I WERE YOU from our Patreon, recorded in 2019. Friend and fellow comedian Billy Scafuri joined us to discuss his diet, surprise parties and JibJabs.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number.

So you have to edit it out. Okay. Let's hear it. 0-9-1-3-6-6-2. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no.

What is this? A new If I Were You podcast? Well, kind of. These are episodes that were living behind our Patreon for the last five years, and we figured why not release some of the best ones onto this feed to reward those of you that never

gave up, that never unsubscribed. So please enjoy this classic episode of If I Were You, recorded'd tell you what I would do. If only I were you. Shark.com. We're here with Billy Scafuri, writer, director, known for Triple Kiss, The Young Kieslowski, and Eight More Guys to Avoid at a College. Hold on, hold on. Are you on my IMDb page? You're reading his IMDb.

He's one of our best friends. You're one of my closest friends. I just, I happen to know your credits. No. I feel like we met on the set of The Young Kieslowski. You played James, right? I don't remember. Okay.

So you were also in The Couch. I see you almost every day. I was also in Couch. The Couch, which was a TV series, I want to say. Show us the computer if you're not on the IMDb. Yeah, what are you on if you're not on my IMDb? You closed it and then spun it. You showed us a side us the computer if you're not on the air. Yeah, what are you on if you're not on my IMDb? As you can closed it and then spun it you showed us a side of the computer your you edited Awesomeness TV an episode. Oh, is that where we met?

Yeah in the editing booth of awesomeness TV at Nickelodeon, right? You really not remember some of these stuffs Um, no, I was just playing it up for the that's comedy in the scene. That's cool Right, can you what can you tell me about the couch? The couch was Harvard's sailing team, my sketch comedy team, was hired by YouTube to make eight videos. And we said, can we do a live show and then break all the sketches into the web series? And it's called The Couch. Everything took place on one couch. Got it.

So that was for digital. That was for YouTube.com. Maybe YouTube Red. I don't know. I remember that. Okay. I remember YouTube. Yeah. What can you tell me don't know. I remember that. Okay. I remember YouTube. Yeah.

What can you tell me about We the Internet TV? Nothing. I have no idea what that means. What can you tell me about playing somebody in something called Lonely and Horny on, it says TV series. Yeah. I remember the director. I remember the director of that series was like really talented.

And I remember thinking there wasn't a ton to work with with the actor I was in the scene with, but I remember the director was like, I'm going to thank him on the email after the shoot and be like, it was a pleasure working with you, director. Yeah, we had a really nice email chain back and forth. You did a really good job, because I know there wasn't a lot to work with.

I did my best, but I couldn't get a lot out of my lead actor. You were great. It's hard, yeah. Honestly, working with you, I was like, he's finally giving a lot to work with. I did my best, but I couldn't get it out of my lead actor. You were great. It's hard, yeah. Honestly, like working with you, I was like, he's finally giving me something to work with. Because going against what I was looking at, it was kind of like looking at... The writing was bad?

It was like looking at a white wall. The writing wasn't bad. The writing was bad. Well, I mean, half the writing was bad. It's a really interesting way. You could almost tell that like... That what? That like somebody went in

and tried to ruin every scene with like... Yeah, kind of like kamik every scene with like, yeah. Kind of like kamikaze. Yeah. Yeah. It was weird. Yeah. Anyway,

thank you so much for coming. Um, fuck. I hated to hear that out loud. Uh, found three different questions that you might be able to lend your expertise to a little bit more than other, other guests.

Okay. Um, I'll give you three options. You choose the order. Okay. Regarding my upcoming birthday. Okay. Possible diets.

Mm-hmm. And my boyfriend sucks at tennis. We'll finish with tennis. We'll go birthdays too. And let's start with diet. Love that. Very nice. Okay.

So this is from a graduated with my master's in May. We'll call this a 24-year-old dude. Do you have a name for this 24-year-old man? Master Mike. That's cool. Beastie Boys reference? That's right. Very cool.

Look at that cool look up here he just had on his face. I got it. That was the first time you knew a musician. What was that? That wasn't Taylor Swift. He was like, cool, I know what that means. Mix Master Mike writes, During my two years, sorry, I just graduated with my master's in May.

During my two years in the program, my time was spent reading, writing, in class, or working. My time outside of these activities was spent drinking to cope with the stress. Obviously, this culminated in an unhealthy lifestyle and weight gain. Now I am working to trying to develop a healthier diet than bar food and beer. I have a lot of friends who have told me that intermittent fasting has worked wonders for them. I used to do triathlons and have started running again. Any advice for my diet would be helpful. Thanks.

Love, Mix Master Mike. Okay. He's running triathlons. Yeah. So, I mean, he's running triathlons and eating bar food. It seems like he knows what health is. Mike. Okay. He's running triathlons. Yeah. So, I mean, he's running triathlons and eating bar food. Seems like he knows what health is. Right, yeah. That was something that I always,

like, every time I was, like, getting unhealthy, I would be like, shit, I need to, like, learn a good diet. And then you, like, start reading, and you're like, oh, wait, I know. Like, you know what. Yeah, right. The hard part is actually doing it. Yeah. The hard part is you know what. Yeah, right. The hard part is actually doing it. Yeah. The hard part is not knowing what a good

diet is. The hard part is doing what a good diet is. There are ways where it's like, if you cut out, like, carbs, sugar, dairy, those things, those are like sticky foods that you eat, where it's like a lot of that will kind of, like, compound with other foods much worse, and it'll make it much harder to lose weight. And if you don't eat those,

then it's much, it's faster to flush weight off of your body if you don't have those in your body at the time a lot of people say that like they stopped drinking beer and they lost like 10 pounds like a lot of it is just beer weight if you drink several beers a day and get rid of that it is easy to like if you don't if you're not gonna like change a ton about your diet to just like identify what the biggest offender is right and. And then you're like, oh, like, and especially if this guy is like eating a lot of bar food, if he gives up beer, he'll probably stop going to the bar. Right. And then you're not eating as much bar food.

It's a funny question because it's like he knows, like you said, he knows what healthy and isn't healthy. So I wonder what he honestly would expect from us. Like, how could we like what could be like a groundbreaking answer that we could provide where it's like, well, how about this? Yeah. When I eat healthy, sometimes it's sad. Like I'm making a lunch decision. Right. And I'm like, do I get a cheeseburger? Or do I get a Chinese chicken salad? The Chinese chicken salad being healthier? Yeah. And I'm like, do I want to eat just vegetables and lean meat? Or do I want to eat like a big fat sandwich? Right. And I'm never, do I want to eat just vegetables and lean meat or do I want to eat like a big fat sandwich?

Right. And I'm never happy when I order the salad, but I'm happier a little bit when the meal is done and I don't feel bad about myself. Yeah. Do you ever feel that way? You don't necessarily ever choose the healthier option. You just go with what you want that moment. You find it, and I don't know if you do, but I know you find it very funny that I eat like garbage. Yes.

You eat full Italian dinners for lunch. No doubt. And you feel fine after. I feel right. I feel correct. Like you're in sixth grade. That's right. Your diet is a 12-year-old.

That's right. Spaghetti and meatballs for lunch. Yes. Like, does that sound crazy to you? A sleeve of Oreos for dessert. That is actually true. Two boxes of pasta. I had a few sleeves in, I was just telling you, like, two weeks ago.

I don't know what happened to me. It's like I hadn't had a cookie, like, my whole life. But I had two sleeves of Double Stuffs in a sitting, dude. That's, like, approaching. And when you were done, you weren't like, oh, man, I feel kind of sick. No, I stand up and I'm like, I feel tall and strong. You had 40 Oreos in a sitting? Yeah, probably not 40, but, like, 25.

That's, like, a challenge. That's an eating challenge. You're supposed to feel ill. The gross part was I just kept eating them., probably not 40, but like 25. That's like a challenge. That's an eating challenge. You're supposed to feel ill. The gross part was I just kept eating them, and I was like, I like this. I still like this. I want more milk, and I still like this. What am I supposed to do? It really is like you're – I sometimes imagine like how cool it would be if like a food was healthy instead of unhealthy.

Like if you – you know that question. Like if you could choose one food that was eating raw broccoli, what would you choose? Yeah, it's like, oh, maybe I would choose macaroni and cheese or pizza or something. But it seems like that's what, you're ripped. Well, Oreos are spinach to you. Billy actually made that deal with the devil. But where are you paying it off? Are you going to die early?

I often say I'm going to wake up one day and be 420 pounds and just be like, oh, it happened today. Like all of it finally arrived today. Because you're also like 2% body fat. Yeah. So it doesn't quite make sense. You're not like running a half marathon every day. No, but I am working out a lot

and sweating a lot first thing in the morning. I see. So that's a good tip. If nothing else, that is the tip. It's not a diet tip but if you can just burn like so many calories early then anything you eat is just going to be refilling it. But you're definitely eating more than you're burning.

You're burning like at most 1,000, and those Oreos sound like 12,000. You're a freak of nature, but there is a kernel of truth in what Billy says. I think if you work out in the morning, you're – all right, so if you wake up late and you like – you just get started with your day all day, and you're like, I'm going to work out later tonight. All day you're making micro decisions that are pushing the working out further and further from actually happening. But if you wake up and work out, you're not going to have a cheeseburger for lunch because you want to feel good. Yeah, totally. And there's also the thing where it's like your body will tell you how hungry you should be after you work out. If I don't work out and then I eat, it's like I'm just trying to guess like am I full now?

Like I wasn't exactly starving. Am I full? Maybe I'll eat more until my body tells me I'm full. 37 Oreos later, I guess I'll never be full. Honey, can you get another truck full of Oreos to the house? I don't know when it ends. What does it feel like to be full for you? Like boredom? Do you feel heavy ever be full for you? Like boredom?

It starts to feel like boredom where you look at the food and you're like, it's not as colorful and as fun as it was when I started, so I think we're good here. You're never in pain. You're like, oh, I ate too much and I feel so lethargic and fat. No, well, I did an episode of Buckets after I ate five hot dogs at the Dodgers game, and that made me feel sad.

That put me in instant depression. When the fifth hot dog went in, I was like, now my mood has changed. Oh, that's how it finally got to you. It took five foot long. I mean, I ate almost my body's height in processed dog. You eventually found your limit. Yeah. And that wasn't just a hot dog.

It's so far beyond anyone else's. Yeah, really. It was like from ankle to ear in hot dog. But it wasn't just a hot dog, right? You put stuff on it. Oh, all the crap. Yeah. What are we talking? Cheese, relish on it. Oh, all the crap. Yeah. What are we talking?

Cheese, relish, mustard, ketchup, all the crap. You put onions on your hot dog? Yeah. Yeah, I like onions on my hot dog. Five cheese dogs you had. No, probably three, but you know, still good. All right, so. So my tip is to eat five cheese dogs.

Yeah, how about a lot of meat? Like a lot of people take these keto diets or paleo diets. Oh, yeah. And they're like, it's fine because I can still have a steak, which is exciting. So you can just find the one thing that you don't mind eating. Have you guys done that? Like a keto or something like that? I haven't.

You have. I tried it for a little bit. Carb free. Did you do like a crash diet before your wedding or anything like that? You did? For a year before my wedding. Wow! It's not considered a crash if it's a year before my wedding. Wow. It's not considered a crash if it's a year. It's a diet. It's a slow crash. I've done a couple different kinds

of weird diets. For a year before my wedding, I would only eat grains and carbs on Sunday. Wow. A cheat day. Monday through Saturday, I wouldn't even have rice rice, no sugar, no grain.

Wow. But were you like, were you looking forward to meals or was it a sad thing where you're like, this sucks, but at least I'm getting through it? Uh, no, I mean, I started to like look forward to meals. There's like good stuff that you can have. But were you ever sad to miss out on the good stuff? Um, like I want a sandwich now. Did you feel restricted?

Interestingly, I was, I was able to like recalibrate my brain to be like that looks really good I'm gonna have that on Sunday nice that's what Sunday's gonna be yeah

so you push it to Sunday and then like sometimes Sunday would come and I didn't even want like the fucking crazy cheeseburger a lot of times I did but I also like I lost too much weight

I was like too skinny on my wedding and I did not like it oh now I wanna fucking mass up really yeah bro you should go on the Billy diet I 60 boxes of orange I was like too skinny at my wedding and I did not like it. Oh. Now I want to fucking mess up. Really? Yeah, bro.

You should go on the Billy diet. 60 boxes of Oreos later, your wife's like, turns out I don't want to marry you again. As it turns out, you've changed. Is it shallow to say I want a divorce now that you've gained weight? Yes. You are going to have to gain weight, right? There's no. No, not necessarily.

I have no... There's nothing that lets me... People throw out words like metabolism. Right. And genetics. Do you think there's an actual truth to this thing? Bill is 58 and he still looks really young. Right. It's coming out of you somehow.

It's like a... I wish I could answer it. I'd love to inspect your excrement if I could. Yes, by all means. Yeah, you're a regular guy. Yeah, I'll crap downstairs. Sweet. For you guys? Yeah, I'll crap downstairs. Have you ever had excrement if I could. Yes, by all means. Yeah, you're a regular guy. Yeah, I'll crap downstairs. For you guys? Yeah, I'll crap downstairs.

Have you ever had food poisoning? I have. A couple times. Once right before going to the Sahara Desert. If this was an hour-long podcast, that would be a very fun story to tell. Wow. Right. But I got food poisoning right before we got the camels.

Jesus. And they told me that if you had gotten sick in the desert, you're dead. Because there's no, we can't get you out of there nearly fast enough. There's no helicopter. We're in Morocco. And you're so dehydrated. Oh, my God. Yeah.

So that was lucky. Okay. So that's my tip. Yeah. Eat as much as you want. Eat as much as you want. Get your poisoning in the Sahara. Good luck out there.

Are other people in your family like this? Nope. Just me? So it's not a genetic thing because your mom, your dad, and your sister have to actually control it. Yeah, they work on it. They work on it and I just float through this world. You're a freak. Yeah, I'll take it.

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Yeah. How'd you like to movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting.

Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

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Explore themes of friendship, loss, and hope with remarkably bright creatures by Shelby Van Pelt. Find what piques your imagination. Sign up for a free 30-day Audible trial, and your first audiobook is free. Visit audible.ca to sign up. All right, we got an 18-year-old going on 19. You got a name for this California kid? Oh, yeah. Kid Capri.

That's cool. Kid Capri from Beastie Boys? No, but he's also a DJ. 18 going on 19, college student, California. My birthday is coming up, and I don't have anything planned. But I think some of my friends might be secretly planning a surprise party for me. Uh-oh. Because that's the sort of thing that we do for each other.

Here's the issue. I hate surprises. I hate birthdays and I hate parties. Is there any safe way to let everyone know that I'm not interested in celebrating my day? Is a social media PSA acceptable? Like, uh, by the way on Facebook, don't celebrate me. No. Super transparent. This dude obviously loves surprises and birthdays and everything. He wrote an email about it. That is a common thing where a guy's like, I don't like birthdays. Right. But they do kind of like birthdays. Of course.

And then some people actually don't like their birthdays. Right. So it's hard to parse which one this guy is. So the question is, should he post something on social media saying, don't celebrate me? Or will that just cause people to surprise him? Have you guys ever had a surprise? No, I don't think that will cause any. Like, that will definitely kill the surprise party.

But also make you look like a kind of curmudgeonly asshole to everybody. So you have to go through it. You have to be surprised. No, you go what you do. There's like a crystal clear answer here. Ride this wave, Jake. You go right to your best friend, the person that you're closest with, who you think is planning the party. And you just level with them.

You say, hey, I don't want to do this. Right. Like, find a way to call it off. I'm keeping it real with you right now. Yeah. Right. And then he's like, we weren't planning a surprise party. Yeah, that's satisfying.

Really? Plan one and cancel it. Just plan one and cancel it. Please? Yeah. Do you guys, one, not like surprise parties, or two, ever had one thrown for you? I've never had one thrown for me. Oh, wow.

I wouldn't mind it. It's fun. I've had it. Oh, wait. Should we? I thought that I did have a surprise party, but then I wouldn't mind it. It's fun. I've had it. Oh, wait. Should we? I thought that I did have a surprise party, but then I realized that we faked a surprise party for a Jake and Amir video. I was having

a real party. You've experienced a surprise party. I just remembered I don't like parties. I just did in a video once. It was like the first year we were doing Jake and Amir. We threw you a fake surprise party. I forget. I'm not a fake surprise party. It's like, I forget. I'm not having a birthday party, and

then it turns into, there's a surprise party. Oh. But what we did was just had an actual party, and then had all of our friends yell surprise. Yeah, exactly. That works. Cool. Have you had a surprise? I got the emotional, yeah, totally. Right.

Have you been surprised? Excuse me, a couple years ago Marino you just coughed an Oreo up right a whole sleeve the plastic wrapper just shoves it back down double stuff too right you ate the box

only so that's like four regular sleeves of stuffing I wouldn't say they're exactly a double Oreo I want to do another podcast about Billy's diet and not just like

another episode but like an entire series. Oh, I'd be into that too. Yeah. One sleeve of podcast, 20 episodes. Speaking of how much I eat for a birthday party

and surprise party, a couple of years ago, Marina, on my birthday, I woke up and she had a card and a knife. She gave me a card

and a knife. Whoa. Is that scary or cool? It's cool. I trust my wife. What are you doing, babe? She opens it up. You're dead.

It said on the card, I'm Padma, you're Tom. And she handed me the knife and she said, meet me at this location. It was her parents' house in like five hours. And she bounced. Whoa. So she alluded to that something was about to happen. That's good. I put the pieces together, but I didn't want to acknowledge it.

When I got there, all of my friends, were you guys there? I was not there. I got the invite. I was traveling. Okay. We're in her backyard. I would have been there, man. It was great.

And Top Chef, the television show Top Chef, was waiting for me. This does sound familiar. We had 16 chef stations, two friends at each station. Everyone making sandwiches. Italian sandwiches. Italian heroes. Marina had gotten X hundreds of dollars worth of Italian cold cuts and toppings and breads and anything

you could imagine. Wow. And we had a quick fire challenge. We had eliminations. We had chefs explaining their concoctions. Then we had the head to head at the end. It was role play. It was completely role play. Everyone took it super seriously. I was Tom. I was asking questions. This was my surprise party. That's great.

It was so much fun. So who won? And what was the sandwich? I believe Clayton Early and Mike Daly of Harvard Sailing Team won. I can't remember what it was, but the final challenge, it was a head-to-head. And you had to make a sandwich in a spoon. One bite. Whoa.

Like all the components where I would take one bite of the spoon and I would say who had made the better sandwich. This is the third round. And so they got really creative with it. And I remember Clayton and Mike beat, maybe it was Rachel Blumengreger. I can't remember exactly who, but it was like a really competitive thing. And they won with prosciutto and ricotta and an Italian. Wow. Yeah, it was really fun though. But did you eat too much that day?

Did you feel sick because you had a sandwich? You ate too many sandwiches. He's not going to feel sick. No, that was the day where you didn't. But the perfect sandwich is two Oreo cookies with a bunch of cream in the middle. What is your perfect sandwich,

though? Because sometimes I see it on Instagram, and it is just divine. Oh, yeah. My Heiken sandwich. It's trademarked. It's trademarked.

Yeah, it's copyrighted, and I will sue anyone who uses it. Right. But it's just peanut butter, banana, and chocolate chips. Oh, really? Yeah.

No jelly. No jelly. Are you not a jelly guy? I could fuck with jelly, but not on this sandwich. It's perfect the butter, banana, and chocolate chips. Oh, really? Yeah. No jelly? No jelly. Are you not a jelly guy? I could fuck with jelly, but not on this sandwich. It's perfect the way it is. Because the banana is sort of like, is it jelly, but it's a little less messy. It gives you that fruit. And peanut butter and banana is like the best fucking flavor.

No honey? No honey drizzle? We've done some honey, but I don't feel that it needs it. Avocado? Avocado? You put an avocado or salty guac tuna in the sandwich with the banana? Banana, avocado, salty guac?

A little guac. Salty guac and tuna sounds good but that's its own sandwich, pal. Banana, chocolate chip. This one has chocolate. Yeah, no. Peanut butter. Peanut butter and fish?

Tuna? Have you ever had peanut butter with fish? Like salmon with peanut butter and jelly and banana? And it's making me ill to think of it. On a tortilla. But it's like a grape jelly think of it. On a tortilla, but it's like a grape jelly. This is why you weren't invited to Billy's party. Grape, a grape, fruit by the foot, instead of beef jerky, banana, tuna.

This is Amir's bad cop, where like, I'm asking you the friendly questions that Amir jumps in. You ever have tuna with peanut butter, kid? Why aren't we doing that? Put peanut butter in sushi. You're listening at home. Go for it. We put cream cheese with fucking salmon. But that's really bad.

Nothing is worse than Philadelphia rolls. Yeah, let's talk about that. You don't like cheese in sushi. How did they get there? I have no idea. How did they have cream cheese ploy? It's cream cheese. It must be a Philadelphia ploy. I could imagine some cheese in sushi. There's a world where it could work,

but it's not cream cheese. What's the ideal cheese to add to sushi american melted american cheese melted singles melted american would be better than a philadelphia roll um what's that not a lot of melted cheese in chinese culture yeah asian food doesn't really have cheese yeah yeah no there's does cotija cotija yeah yeahotija, yeah. Yeah, that's it. The crumbly, salty stuff. Oh, we like that. That's just like a little for flavor.

Maybe that's it. If you were to say, Billy, what was the original question from this, I would have no idea. I don't know. This guy didn't want to have a surprise party.

And we're yelling at him not to put cheese on sushi. Shit, you know, every single time we get together, we talk about cheese and fish. What's the funniest thing? That's right,

baleo fish. What the hell is happening? All right, well called a philadelphia roll right right it's called a filet-o-fish roll it's a cream cheese company made that sushi and now everything has to use that oh it's got to be a marketing thing interesting yeah i got nothing interesting i totally forgot that philadelphia was a brand of cream cheese and i thought it was just like a like a popular sushi roll in Philly. I didn't put that together either. Very nice. Thank God I'm here.

So he definitely loves surprise parties. So I would say that here's how I'm reading this guy. Can I be honest? Sorry, that's a very threatening thing. This guy loves his birthday and loves surprises even though he says that he doesn't.

This is my read. So much so that he thinks that his friends are behind the scenes planning this party for him and he's like getting really amped up about it. Now he's getting so excited that he wants to make a post saying, don't do that, even though we know. Oh, because it will only serve to heighten the surprise. Exactly.

This is all for him. And now he went so far as to say like, maybe that's not even far enough. I'm going to email my two favorite comedians and tell them that I'm planning on doing this because he wants to extend this reality as much as he can. He's a California kid. How good will the surprise be if we show up? If he's, like, so vehemently against the surprise, he's got to be so sure there won't be a surprise party. And then ultimate surprise.

Yes. Because if you're sort of expecting a surprise party, you're like, oh, like I can't have a fucking genuine surprise. Right. But if you're like posting on social media, no party. Right. You write to us. We're like, no party.

There's no fucking party. No party. No party. Everyone's chanting as he walks into a bar and then they all sprint away. I got what I wanted. Who's more annoying? The person who loves their birthday and makes the biggest deal like a week long countdown or the guy that's like, fuck birthdays.

Don't celebrate mine. Don't give me anything. Good call. They're both annoying. Yeah. I think that I would, I prefer hanging with the person that likes their birthday though. Oh, interesting. Because I can like get on board with a celebration.

Yeah. I feel that. But if I don't like the, it's my birthday week. Yeah. Because I can like get on board with a celebration. Yeah. I feel that. But I don't like the it's my birthday week. Yeah. That's a little much. I would say loving birthday worse than hating birthday. Because hating birthday is less pressure on me. I don't have to do

anything. But I always find that people that love birthdays love their birthday and everyone's birthday. That's a good call. They just like birthdays in general, which I think is nice. That's a type. Yeah, right. Totally. The celebratory. Those who are celebratory

love a reason. They love costumes, too. This is your day. Yeah. We're going to get dressed up. We're going to do something. And I could get into that. I'm sorry,

do you wear costumes to birthday parties? No, but I feel like it's the same gene. Okay, got it. They love Halloween. Yes, love Halloween. If you love your birthday,

you love Halloween. You love Christmas. You're a type. That's right. There's a lane where you love all of these things. Are you more one than the other? Would you prefer to hang out with one than the other? I'm definitely not.

Oh, myself, I love birthdays. I'm a big birthday guy. I would prefer to hang out with somebody who loves birthdays. Why not? What's wrong with a little positivity in your life? You got to do shit. I don't. No, you don't, though.

That's the thing. It's their birthday. Otherwise, they're going to be bummed out. You just have to show up. You don't have to like, I don't think anybody at our age is expecting like gifts and cards. Right. I feel like 15 years ago it was gifts and cards. Now it's like a link.

Here's a funny YouTube video. A funny link. That's the best. I used to give people gifts. Now I give links. That's a fact. Fact. You used to give cuff links.

Now you give YouTube links. Link links. Yeah. You used to give gifts. Now you give gifts. fact. Fact. You used to give cufflinks. Now you give YouTube links. Link links. Yeah. You used to give gifts. Now you give gifts. Nice. Nice. Nice. Anything else?

What? Just like in this motif. You used to give this. Now you give that. Oh, no. I've run out of funny jokes. That's cool. Shit.

Give me like 30 seconds. Yeah, yeah. Take your time. You used to give gifts, you said, right? I said gifts. Yeah. There's something like sites. Parties.

How does JibJab work into this? JPEG. You used to give Hyperlink. You used to have Hyper. You used to give gift bags, now we give JibJabs. JibJabs. You used to give gift bags, now we give JibJabs. JibJab, of course, being the

animated card company. Have you guys not given a JibJab in a while? Yo, Jib jab, of course, being the animated card company. Have you guys not given a jib jab in a while? Yo, jib jab is funny. Still? I hate to admit it. It's funny. Really funny. You don't hate to admit it.

You love it. I love to admit it. I love to admit it. Jib jab is funny. You're like putting your face on an elf. Telling you guys, yes. And it's funny, dude. Nothing's funnier than that.

It's funny. It's funny. I know that we're conditioned to be like, no, we did that when we were 10. It's still really funny. Is it just elves still? Or now they're doing other shit? So now they have tiers. Okay.

Where for like $1.99, you can get some cool live in La Vida Locas. Oh, that's cool. You know, like some sexy salsa dances. High-end jabs. You're still getting free elves. The elves are just like- Those come around every Christmas. Don't even need an account.

I think it might be year-round now. Wow. I don't even think they care about the elf Christmas relationship. Yeah, they've expanded. They're just like, don't even need an account. I think it might be year-round now. I don't even think they care about the elf-Christmas relationship. Yeah, they've expanded. Okay, we've got to get to the one last question before we run out of time. Used to give gift bags, now I give jib jabs. Okay. That's fine.

All right, remix that, Master Mike. Tennis pro, we'll call this guy? Ten of Hearts. So any tennis names come up and it's Ten of Hearts. Ten of Hearts? Yeah. Like the card, the playing card. Ten of Hearts.

Yes. All right. You seem like you've never heard of this term before. I was sort of like setting you up to like just say any tennis player. You said cards. Yeah, Ten of Hearts. And not even a person. Not like the Jack of Spades. One of the cards is an ace. Yeah, which is interesting. any tennis player you say cards. Yeah, 10 cards. And not even a person not like the jack of spades.

One of the cards is an ace. Yeah, which is interesting. But he didn't say ace. He said 10. It was a long road. 10 as in tennis and then hearts as in love.

It's logic. It's logic. Love is nothing in tennis. I'm glad I'm sitting next to Jake. 10 of hearts. Rights.

Tennis is basically cards. There's so many of the same things. I completely agree with Jake. Son of hearts. Right. Tennis is basically cards. There's so many of the same things. I completely agree with Jake. Yeah. Love the show and the advice. I've gotten into tennis

with my boyfriend. We're both 22. He's a very overconfident person, which I love and hate, so he pretends to be better than he is. On a daily basis, this fucker will hit our balls

into other people's courts, and today he hit three balls over a 10-foot fence. I love him, but his shitty tennis skills are starting to annoy me. How can I approach him about how bad he is without sounding like a bitch? P.S. I'm not by any means an expert, but I am sick of having to apologize

to other people for my boyfriend throwing balls onto another court. It's not hard. Much love. Ten of hearts. I don't think tennis is a sport for you. Yeah, ten, first of all. What the hell? Do you play tennis? Yes. Are you 10? I don't think tennis is a sport for you Yeah 10 First of all What the hell? Do you play tennis?

Yes Are you good? I'm fine There's good tennis players Yeah Who can like do the real serve Yeah You know

I do like the Just to try and get it in the box Yeah you're trying to hit the box Yeah there's that guy Who's like trying to do the Yeah Sounds like maybe her boyfriend's that guy But he's missing a lot

Yeah Sending the ball Home runs Over the fence Yeah There's Like I grew up with guys Yeah. Sounds like maybe her boyfriend's that guy. But he's missing a lot. Yeah. Sending the ball. Home runs over the fence. Yeah. There's, like, I grew up with guys that would just send it over the fence. You know, like, we're playing tennis and then they would just hit a home run to left field. On purpose? I wonder if he's that guy.

On purpose? Yeah. Of course. If he's doing it on purpose, then yeah, you should tell him to stop. But I think it sounds like he's just not good. Bad name. But she kept saying the overconfident, like, he's confident he like, he'd like talk shit a little bit or something. To me, there's like, those all can sometimes be in the same

cocktail of like dipshit. Yeah. Where it's just like, I like to act big and gregarious. Or he's trying to hit it very hard. And sometimes if your aim is off, it flies off. Are you guys just trying to volley? Because if they're just trying to volley, he needs to turn the dial down to like three. What you got to do is start with mini tennis, which is just the boxes. Just the boxes.

And then it's a nice little warm-up. Wait, what's mini tennis? It's just where you play on the service line. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Just like a nice little way to get your... Doubles alley in addition, or... Well, it's not even like... You're not even really playing playing. But yeah, I guess actually you could play that. Doubles alleys would not

be... Take the net down? You're keeping the net up for the mini tennis? Or are you going side to side? Yeah, the net is so important. You're gonna go to the park and take the net down? Still using the net up for the mini tennis? Or are you going side to side? Yeah, the net is so important. You're going to go to the park and take the net down? Still using the racket, in this case, mini tennis. Obviously. You're using like a little racket.

A regular-sized racket. Balls? Normal-sized balls, not like mini balls. Everything is the same except you play a little closer to the net. Yeah, I think just the playing field is a little smaller. Yeah, but you have to play against some sort of little person. No, you don't. He has to be three for

two in your weird twisted fucking perverted logic. Wait, so sorry, now you're coming at me. So what should this person do? I mean, it sounds like

she kind of likes it. Am I wrong in saying that, that she like, she acknowledges that she has this gregarious boyfriend, he whacks it all over. She call him a

shithead? What was like the term of endearment she used? Shitty tennis skills without sounding like a bitch. She called him a shithead. What was like the term of endearment she used? Shitty tennis skills without sounding like a bitch. Without sounding like a bitch. Yeah.

Yeah. I feel like Billy's theme here has just been reading between the lines. Of course. And telling the people who wrote in that they actually do want

what they want. And it's true. I think that's true about most of the things they complain about. Yeah. We actually like it. Yeah, exactly.

But it's like we can't acknowledge it yet. So it's like I'll frame this as a complaint. The heat. The passion. Exactly. She wants to be But it's like we can't acknowledge it yet. So it's like, I'll frame this as a complaint. The heat, the passion. Exactly. She wants to be like, fuck you, you're bad at tennis. And she wants to hear, fuck you, I'm awesome at tennis. Totally. And then they go home

and they have like super hard sex. I think all of that is actually true. This is like when I sprained my ankle and you're like, I bet you fucking like it. And I'm like, I can't walk. It really, really hurts. Can you please help me? And you're like, nah, I bet you fucking get off to this shit. Enjoy that shit down there. It's really swollen, Billy. I think I broke a fucking bone. Yeah.

I reversed my car over his ankle. I bet he likes this. You like this. I can't believe you like it. I guess the theme of my advice today is just to acknowledge all of these things that everyone seems to be suppressing. Yeah, a lot of it is just quiet emotions. I hope people understand. Yeah, what should I do about this thing that's like really on my mind and like low-key I think I of it is just quiet emotions. I hope people understand. Yeah, what should I do

about this thing that's like really on my mind and like low key, I think I like it. That's true. I think you should acknowledge it. Acknowledge it. Right.

That's a good overarching theme. We can almost say that for any question. And we will starting now. You've ruined the podcast. Happy to be here. Perfect way to end it. Sure.

Forever. I guess. Thank you so much for coming on. Is there anything you want to promote before we leave? There's only one thing I want to promote. Okay. Is it couch? No.

Is it jib jab? I've already promoted that. I already promoted that as well. Okay. I have a Venmo account. Oh, okay. I have a Venmo account. A lot of people, Jake, I don't think I've ever done this to you.

A lot of people come on their friend's shows and they promote their Twitter and Instagram. Yeah. Boring. Yeah. We've done that. We've seen that. Social media. Social media in general.

Whatever. Yatta, yatta, yatta. You want people to Venmo request money from you? No, no. The opposite. I want them to send me money. A tip jar of sorts. A tip jar of sorts.

Did you like what you see? It's almost like street art. Exactly. This is street art. You like the show? I'm street art Seidel. Let me know. If you like that, give Billy a buck.

50 cents, a dollar, two dollars, anything. My handle is at William hyphen Scafuri. Is this my camera? Yeah. At William hyphen S-C-A-F-U-R-I. I'll take up to $1,000 per. This is a Patreon episode, so these people are already paying to watch this. You don't want anyone to give over $1,000?

No. People have done that before, and I felt bad. Over $1,000, people have done that before. I felt bad. Over a thousand people have done that before? Yeah. Who? A few people. A few real people. Wow.

That's baller. They exist. That's cool. That's amazing. Yeah. Fuck. I kind of want to give my Venmo. No.

A thousand bucks? Why not? We might as well, right? Yeah. No. Tell them. They're not going to do a thousand bucks. I have a PayPal.

What's your Venmo? I don't want the cash. Let's all say our Venmo's on the count of three. They're not going to do it. I have a PayPal. What's your Venmo? I don't want the cash. Let's all say our Venmo's on the count of three. Okay. One, two, three. At William Spurlitz.

Knock it off. What? Thanks for watching everybody. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you If I were you If I were you

If I were you If I were you If I were you I'll tell you what I would do If only I were you Shark.com That was a Hidgum original.