Segments - Bonus Patreon Thursday: Bad Teeth (w/Reilly Anspaugh!)

Episode Date: November 15, 2018

Fellow HeadGum-er Reilly Anspaugh is in the studio to talk about bad kissers, good hygiene and horrible details about the Twilight Franchise. NOTE: The entire episode is available in both video and audio format on Patreon.com/JASee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle.

With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only back on a thursday patreon has us not giving a shit we don't care anymore we're working for ourselves we're our own gosh dang bosses i'm thinking of selling out actually you already have so i'll get a tattoo of a brand as branded company, as a brand. Branded content.

You do have a Tide tattoo on your face. Yeah, but I want it to be branded. That is branded. It's a hot brand that they sort of stick on to me. Oh, a brand brand. Yeah, I want branded branded content. You want more than ink. You want raised skin.

You want more than ink. You want raised skin. You want a scar. A scart for art and a branded brand that says Nike will fart. A mark, a mission, a brand, a scarf. Dashboard Confessionals new album. A scart. That's right. Scar art. A skirt. Nice.

So what is this? This is a teaser of the bonus Thursday Patreon. And that's where we hop on your feed and tease each other. Amir, hey, four eyes. You look like a buck-toothed chipmunk. No, no, no. A teaser is just a little taste of what they can get. I was just being silly.

Like a trailer. I was just being silly. I thought we would do like a bit. Buck-toothed chipm monk four eyes is what you said. Yeah. You were so quick. You knew that you were going to say that regardless of what happened. It was a silly joke.

It wasn't a silly joke. Okay. It wasn't a silly joke because it was at my expense. That would, it can be a silly joke at your expense. Yeah. Stop talking over me. So what? You don't know what I'm saying.

Everyone laughs at me and then you are the hero it's a gentle ribbing of you and you rib me back and we go back and forth and we say things that are silly about each other and it's teasing and it's fun you have don't you you have fucking dare don't you fucking dare you're getting because you made it real you're getting a mole checked and i really think you're gonna get skin cancer oh if you don't like oh my god fucking four eyes you mine was just like a casual dig about your appearance like an exaggerated feature of yours and you like talk about like a really i think it's deep-seated fear you like want me to have cancer i'm going to a doctor and you're...

No, I was going to say that you have four eyes. That's fucked up. You're not dirty blonde. You have brown hair or something. I don't know. What's that? Why are you making fun of me? You have brown hair?

Let me say that again because I feel like I went too far. No. We're not releasing this anymore. You have... We're not releasing this. You have a little above average size feet like what are you an 11 and a half i'm 11 so average sorry i feel like i went too far you did go too far but you got and then the every then everything else you've been saying is just like

vague like things about you not necessarily aren't even right like you called you called me blonde and then corrected to say that it was sort of a dirty blonde again you said i had large feet and amended it to say they were pretty average average size but not average the way it smells is funny they smell funny that's yeah that's sort of like a good way to make fun you are you are going to the dermatologist this week this is because there are a few asymmetrical issues i have a raised mole and it's nothing and you're you're like stoking fear i just don't want you to sleep very well tonight yeah now i have to go to bed like wondering what wondering yeah why and then why i'll be waiting on pins and needles for the results. Yeah. And also you smell, when you fart, it smells like, I guess like a fart, which is fine.

Cause it's, cause it is a fart. Yeah. I'm trying to like think about like, I feel like my insults. You have a wispy pube beard. That's like something. Okay. So that's a good middle ground. I went to like a deep fear, real fear.

And then the other side is like me like trying to like fucked up and then you were like trying to trying to like smooth it over by just like making an observation yeah like that that your it didn't serve your purpose at all because it like it was like yeah i feel like the the mundane observation only heightened what you had said before because it was so fucked up yeah that's true okay so let me try it again don't try it again because you like botched it so bad that we like can't even use any of the stuff that we recorded like like seriously don't release what we've made so far you want to start like we'll start i don't want to start fresh right now because i feel like i need some time away from you

for a bit. Oh my God. So I don't even know if we should do, because you wanted to do like a Patreon. Yeah, like a little shout out

to the, there's a new video. So why don't we just try to talk about the Patreon for a little bit and then like we'll, we'll record an intro to this later.

Okay. Or like you just do it on your own because I honestly don't really feel like being around you. I think the Patreon's going well. people are really digging it more than i more than it surpassed our wildest dreams we have nearly 4 000 patrons at this point um we're

getting close to releasing the speech that i gave at your wedding that's true that's going to happen at the 5 000 patron mark uh the comp people are commenting very positively about the content it's it's insightful, hopefully. And you guys are finding it entertaining. I'll tell you what's one thing that I'm excited about with the Patreon is we haven't recorded a Jake and Amir, watched Jake and Amir since we launched. Like we recorded all these before we launched. Yeah. And, um, when we record the next batch next month, it'll be like with people telling us which videos to watch.

And we'll kind of like be, we'll be like restarting, reinvigorating that series with people already on the Patreon. We're not like launching it in a vacuum anymore. And I'm already itching to start some more stuff. The two shows that we have now are going well, but I'm already interested into like, what is a bonus podcast we can start?

What's like a five to ten video series we can launch? Yeah. So actually, if you're listening to this and you maybe you don't subscribe to the Patreon yet, hop on Reddit, hop on Twitter, DM me on Instagram. But just let us know what podcast we could start that gets you there, or if you've got an idea. Yeah, because we were talking about like, should it just be a vague thing where we're chatting, not necessarily answering questions, just catching up about our day? Or is that too vague? Should it be something hyper specific, like us interviewing each other or learning about a specific topic? Would that be of interest to you would it be like us

interviewing a friend would it be us calling fans what's what gets your goat and what yeah what gets ours too because if we're gonna start a second podcast i know for a fact your family has gotten together and talked about you behind your back jake i I know that they've had, they've borderline gone to... Like good stuff? No, no. That's fine. I mean, I love that they would get together and just like... Intervening about a series of medical

and personality issues you have. Right. Ranging from your instability to your lack of reliability. Those sound like the same thing. And it's gotten to the point... My family's so dumb and redundant. Redundant.

They had a vote to see if they should kick you out of your own family and who came out it ended up being six one and for whatever reason there's an old herwitz family rule that it has to be unanimous and it's getting very very cool who is the lone wolf that voted to keep me in i owe that person a pie it was your father really the same father that you've been openly acting. I really rail against him often. Yeah. So the fact that he came to save, you're a little bit crying, right? Shout out to Daddy Hurwitz. It was

his birthday last week. I never met such an old pumpkin before. So you're still digging into him. To be a gourd, to be an old gourd, he is my lord. What's another podcast idea that we were debating or you were thinking of?

We had talked about the Follow Up Pup podcast where we, it's sort of like an extension of If I Were You, where we basically solicit people who have followed our advice and we may even actually call them and talk about what happened. Yeah, like a follow-up up interview show yeah and what that's kind of cool because people on patreon could be like i've always wondered what happened to this person oh that's good we could like use game boy terms find their email follow up with them ask if they'd be willing to come on the show and talk to us we need to do another live uh live stream for the middle tier as well yeah them a monthly live stream the other end of the first month the other podcast idea that i just had is i remember when live stream for the middle tier as well. We have them a monthly live stream. And we're almost at the end of the first month. The other podcast idea that I just had is,

I remember when I talked about doing a soccer podcast. Yeah. There was like a lot of people that DMed me on Instagram and told me that we should do it. A soccer podcast. Yeah. So if you and I just made a commitment to start watching soccer and talk about it.

Interesting. It's so niche. It is so niche. But I don't know. There's a lot of people out there, even if you're not into soccer, maybe you've been thinking about it. Because it's so fun to watch. Yeah. And my brother told me that there's games in the, which league is the one that Manchester United is in?

English Premier League. Yeah. He was saying that the English Premier League, they like play on the weekends. You just like watch it just like football. Right. It's like on Saturday night over there. So it's like Saturday morning here. Yeah.

Which is great. That's perfect. Yeah. Watch that instead of college football. And then we talk about it that next week. Even though we don't know that much, we're just like watching and talking about how we Yeah. It would be helpful if we like could talk to a real soccer hooligan.

Yeah. Or, but I mean, we could also just like, just be novices at it and see, see what happens. And we can basically try anything for like a limited run. We can do like five, five episodes of the follow-up podcast. We could do five episodes of the soccer podcast. Podcast. Patreon just gives us a platform to try things out. I do have a good name for the soccer podcast.

Okay. Wannabe hooligans. Wannabe hooligans. Yeah. Cause that's like a hooligan is a soccer fan, right? Well, that's what episode one could be about. Great. Episode one where we just learn the songs.

Yeah. That's my favorite part about soccer is the chance. Yeah. The chance and the songs. What other, like no American sport has that, right? Yeah, like baseball sometimes has like the, which is kind of like an offensive Native American chant. And I like that one.

It's fun to do. And the Red Sox have Sweet Caroline. But that's just like a fucking song. Yeah. But aren't most of them just songs? No, like chants, like, are you like, I think this is episode one of that podcast. Chants.

We learn all of the chants. I'll choose my team based on the coolest chant for sure. That's cool. By any chance, do you have any chants? And that's the end of this teaser episode because you really ruined the mood with that joke more so than the cancer thing. I'm sorry to hear that. All right, let's get into a taste, a sample of the video, if I were you,

that's online right now on our Patreon. With Riley Anspaugh. That's right. Riley joined us to try to dispense some wisdom. You can listen to it, the whole episode, on the Patreon podcast feed, or you can watch the darn thing on patreon.com slash J-A.

Boom. Here it is. All right, ready? Yep. Here we go. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you.

If I were you. I'll tell you what I would do. If only I were you Show.com Alright, enough fucking around. Welcome to the shit zone. We're gonna answer your awesomest questions and we're gonna get to the bottom of it. But do you have what it takes? Do you got it, Riley? I didn't know this is what I was getting into.

Lock the door. Lock the door. No, I can't keep that energy up, actually. You brought it from like a 15 to a five so fast. Actually, that took a lot out of me. Are you done? Do you need to lie down? Should we play the outro song? No, I might just need to...

Fuck. It's like... Did you just get a cold? Yeah, because like when I yell, my immune system is like higher than it does. Ryland Anspaugh. Holy shit. My birth name. Is that your full name? Ryland Anspaugh, Ryland Anspa. My birth name. Is that your full name? Ryland Anspa? Riley is short for

Ryland. That's really cool. Anspa is long for your middle name, and Spa, and then your last name, Spa. Exactly right. What's your middle name? I have two. Nice, so do I. Oh, what are yours? I'll tell you if you tell me. Oh!

Should we get started, or you guys are fucking gabbing? Oh, you're still here. Sorry. We're just friendly. Having fun. Riley and I are friends. Yeah. But like the whole like, let's fucking talk about it.

It's cool to like actually experience being friends with your boss. It's fucking desperate. It's fucking desperate. For who? I know your middle name. It's a waste of opportunity. Waste of opportunity? Yeah, because we're very limited in terms of digital content.

Like, what the fuck's the point? I think you might be really stupid. Correct me if I'm wrong What's your fucking What's my name you think is a waste of digital Content And opportunity Cost

Yeah So what's your What is What's your fucking middle name Marie That's mine Is it Yeah Is it really

Nice That's the first of two Really Yeah So what's the second one fucking Osman No What Jude Close Marie Jude That's the first of two. Really? Yeah. So what's the second one? Fucking Osman? No. What? Jude.

Close. Marie Jude. Riley Marie Jude Anspaugh. And I'm Jacob Penn Cooper Hurwitz. Wow. And Amir? Jude, actually. Yeah.

Jude and Amir. No, we all know your middle name. It's Shmuel, but that's Yiddish for Jude. Yeah. Riley, just so you know, this is a video special Patreon only exclusive episode of our podcast. We're recording this there. There's a hidden camera there. Two more over here. You have a GoPro in your urethra filming into your body.

And I'm taking a selfie. There's a little camera on this. Let's cut to the GoPro cam. Just utter black. There's one more inside me. There it is. And it's giving me... Ah.

My stomach hurts, but it is in there. It looks good though. Yeah, it's dark and it's hot down there, but it's fine. But we're still... At the end of the day,

this is an advice show. We still need to answer some questions. So why don't we get right to it? Yeah, because the opportunity in digital content. We're really wasting it. You want to fucking talk about your birthdays now? August 5th.

June 3rd. Nice. I love that. I never got celebrations in school because my birthday was in the summer. You're rolling your eyes so far. Kids are shit. Ask a question then. I don't have any.

Then our job is done. You're like so hell-bent on creating good online digital content, but you're just screaming at us. You're just being mean. Do you guys care about my middle name? Do you give a shit about my middle name? We did ask for your middle name. Really? You said it was Jude.

You tried to steal Riley's middle name. I thought it would be a conversation starter. It was a conversation ender. Fair. We started the conversation. You said, let's move on. This is a waste. Yeah, this entire time you've just been trying to hijack a conversation and bring it to an abrupt end before

it's even run its course. Daniel Day-Lewis writes. Holy shit! I can't believe you wrote it in. One of my best buds who's currently unemployed has been aggressively looking for a job for a few months now. He's 31 years old, has a bachelor's degree, and is more than qualified for many of these jobs. He keeps getting turned down for these jobs, and he's starting to feel discouraged about the whole process.

I feel for him, but I think I know why he keeps getting rejected. His teeth are disgusting. I'm talking black tar from cigarettes, visible plaque, just overall awful teeth. Were it not for his nice clothes and haircut, he'd look like a freaking homeless dude. I normally overlook his atrocious maw, but because he's my bud,

I worry about potential employers aren't as forgiving. I mean, who wants to hire someone who looks like a meth addict? So my question to you fellers is, should I say something? And Riley. Yeah. Riley's here too. Sorry, he didn't know that.

Daniel. Just easy. Yeah. Fellers. No, it's okay. It's just fucked up. I get it a lot. It's fine.

It pisses me off, Riley. Don't make a big thing of it. It shouldn't piss you off more than it pisses Riley off. It's just, it's like, fine. It seems like she doesn't want it for you. It's rude. It's crude. And honestly, it's like, fine. It seems like she doesn't want to be here. It's rude. It's crude. And honestly, dudes, guys,

that was dudes right there. You just made a point to be like, inclusive of me being here as a woman. And now you're saying dudes as guys. And now you're crying. Just like, stop. Now you're crying so quickly. You're making it a big thing.

You went mad to sad. And now, okay, now you're what? What is this one? Why are you more sad than I am? You're dumbed by it. You're dumbed by it. It made me dumb. Yeah.

It made me simple. Yeah. You're simple. He's a bit touched. I became a simpleton when I... Oh, no. You are. Okay.

Should I say something as his friend? And if so, how do I bring it up? I can't just say, hey, man, your teeth are fucked up. Hope you're having a great day. Please help a brother out. That's not bad. Your teeth are fucked up, hope you're having a great day. If he ends with hope you're having a great day, that's fine.

You can give any awful criticism you want as long as you say, hope you're having a great day. You're a nasty little idiot and you have bad skin and a weird nose and you're poor. Hope you're having a great day. That's funny. That's great. I'm having a sour day because of the thing you said. It was good before that.

But now we're talking about the day. You're small, you're meek, and you're very close-minded. You're talking to him. Talking to you. What the fuck? You're an absolute bigot. And no one likes being around you.

But I hope you're having a great day, brother. Well, thanks, girl. Oh, thanks. I am having a nice day. I love the autumn. It is February 9th. Really? Yeah.

Damn, these come out slow. Riley, I'm sorry to hear that. Riley, you have great teeth. What's your oral hygiene history? Were you a braces? Were you a retainer? Were you an expander? Or are they veneers?

That's fine, too. He pulls them all out. So sharp. Or is it like, oh, I've never had any of that stuff. I'm just naturally perfectly aligned, which I hate. Yeah. What is it? Do you want me to answer? I want you to answer truthfully.

I just hope it aligns with my worldview. You're getting sicker as you continue to speak. She never had braces, bud. No, I did. When I was younger, I had buck gap teeth. Bucked gap. Oh my god. How could they be, they're out far and thick. They were out far and wide is what happened.

I would love to see a photo. Oh, there's so many. It was great. Like, you could drive a double-decker bus through those boys. I love that. The Dave Letterman style. It was truly like that. Oh, my God.

Letterman teeth. Letterman teeth on, like, eight-year-old Riley. Can orthodontists sort of shape it in any way they want, or is braces made specifically to straighten your teeth? You could get like apex braces. Yeah, I want like braces that give me a separation or I want teeth that are lined like a triangle or maybe I can have every other teeth. That would be really cool. Like that's like the next thing that Christian Bale is going to do.

Oh, that's cool. A real like method actor. Like maybe a Daniel Day-Lewis. I lost 80 pounds in all so I made my teeth crooked for the role. I'm sure that can happen. It took three years, but I ruined my bite for a fucking movie. For four months of my life. Because my character, when he bites into a sandwich, can't really get a clean break on the lettuce.

You know what I mean? I want a guy that can... Your teeth aren't sharp. Yeah. That's a character. Blunt my teeth. It's a character that you want? Soft the lettuce. You know what I mean? I want a guy that can... Your teeth aren't sharp. Yeah. That's a character. I want to blunt my teeth and soft the edges. How do you tell your friend if they have shitty teeth? What are you trying to say?

How do you tell somebody? Yeah, it's a question. Don't get defensive. How do you give somebody news like this? I don't know if you do. I don't know if it's your right. I don't know if it's your role. I don't know if these job offers are actually being ruined by the teeth situation. Really? I don't even know if that's legal. Did you feel like this? Did you feel like he feels?

What? What do you mean? I feel like he's wrong across the board. I think that this is totally within the friend's bounds and I think this is probably why the guy's not getting the job. I think if the friend asks point blank, like, why do you think I'm not getting these jobs?

Then I think maybe. I think lead by example. If the guys are having a sleepover, let's say. Yeah. Let's floss. Yeah. The friend would be like, look at this crest, like, optic white I'm using. Do you want some?

Oh, that's cool. No, I'm good. I'm going to brush my teeth with this Snickers bar. Why can't I get a job? You put in your retainer and I'll put in this thing that makes cola on my teeth for eight hours straight. Yeah, or maybe we could try flossing with a water pick. I put an Oreo on the top and a Twix on the bottom and I smash my face into mud and that's how I sleep. And can I have a job?

And can I marry your fucking daughter? What if you dared him? Like, what if you're like, I bet you can't do this. Because guys love a challenge, I feel like. I dare you to brush your teeth twice, if not thrice daily. Whoa, a double doggy dare. It's beyond brushing. Brushing and flossing.

He needs veneers. He needs veneers. I just learned about veneers and how prevalent they are. A lot of actors and actresses just have fake teeth on their teeth. Toddlers and tiaras, the children do that as well. For baby teeth? Mm-hmm.

Baby teeth veneers. Baby teeth veneers. That should be illegal. You ever seen a baby that's like super hot except for his smile? Easy. What? I'm serious. Except for his smile.

What are you talking about? Just like a toddler that's sexy. Like a 10 in every regard. Obviously not. Except the kid just has sort of a... A crooked smile. A shit-eating grin. Yeah.

And you're like... And he's two? Hey, listen. And he's two? Listen, young baby, you're old again. You're a six-month-old. You would be a fucking piece of ass. It's like imprinting in Twilight when the wolf falls in love with the baby on sight

jesus that's in twilight i've never that's so fucked up it's called imprinting say that again what happens in twilight the wolf the werewolf falls in love with the baby of the vampire on sight this is like the most fucked up joke I've ever made on the podcast is just the point of a multi-million dollar franchise. It's like, no, I'm not going to fuck the baby. It's like, no, I'm going to love you like a brother. And then once you're of age, then we're going to get married.

That's sort of like the point in The Time Traveler's Wife, too. Where like, this guy's like a 34-year-old. It's fucked up. And he time travels back and he meets his wife. She's five. And he knows her her whole life. And then at a certain point, when she's 18, it's like, now we're ready.

You're going to lose your virginity today. Yeah, it's fucked as hell. But your joke was also pretty bad. Anyway, I think you say, look, bud, I think that your teeth are messed up and I want to help you fix it. And the reason I think it's worth having this hard conversation is because this will drastically improve his life. It's not just the job. He's going to have more self-confidence. He's going to be able to date people.

I think it's going to be such a boon to him as a person. A bread boon? Yeah. Or an Aaron boon. It'll be more of an Aaron boon as a person. A bread boon? Yeah. Or an Aaron boon. It'll be more of an Aaron boon in that regard. A Megan Battoon. Amazing. A Megan Battoon and an Aaron boon. I think it will be a walk-off homer in Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS.

With Aaron Boone's time to shine. You think he doesn't know that his teeth are bad? That this is an eye-opening conversation you have to have with him? He might know. He might have an inkling. He might be like, I have bad teeth. He has't know that his teeth are bad, that this is an eye-opening conversation you have to have with him. He might know. He might have an inkling. He might be like, I have bad teeth. He has to know.

He probably knows, but he probably doesn't know that, like, other people are noticing it. You know, sometimes when you're like, oh, I've got this zit. And like, but you know what? I probably notice it more than other people. Like, you're one thing that you're insecure about. You're like, I can imagine that I focus on it more so than others. Yeah, but you want to be like, no, everybody knows it. That's why you can't get a job. I think you need to confirm

his worst fears. I do. Well, I also think, like, if someone has bad teeth, or, like, the thought process might be, okay, it's bad, but it's not as bad as other people, so that's why they don't notice it. And maybe it's like, you know, if someone's a smoker, it's like showing someone a photo of, like, a black lung. Like, show him bad teeth, but it's actually his teeth. Like, it. And maybe it's like, you know, if someone's a smoker, it's like showing someone a photo of like a black lung.

I show him bad teeth, but it's actually his teeth. Like show a photo of him like, look at how bad your teeth are. What would you do if your teeth were like this? You're holding a mirror. Imagine if your teeth look like this. Full mirror.

I'm hideous. All right. So we got one vote for tell him, one vote for not. And then Riley. Show, don't tell. That's beautiful. Thank you. Alright, next question is a 20-year-old college student.

That's it for now. That's all you get, you coy little divas. And if you want the whole darn shebang, as well as every episode of Jake and Amir, watch Jake and Amir so far, and other episodes of If I Were You. And all the episodes to come. It's patreon.com slash JA. Get in there.

We're going to check out the comments, try to get in there and start a discussion, try to treat it like more of a message board. So get in there, let us know what you think, and we'll probably reply to you. Thanks for listening, everybody. Later. That was a HeadGum Podcast. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. I got money.

Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only.