Segments - Bonus: The Headgum Podcast

Episode Date: May 13, 2020

We started a new podcast featuring the Headgum staff! Join us every week as we wax idiotic on everything from pop culture to Marty’s SSN. Make yourself a drink and come hang!Check out the first episode here and then subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts:Apple PodcastsSpotifySee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to the HeadGum Podcast. A HeadGum Podcast. What do you think about that, Jake? The HeadGum Podcast. A HeadGum Podcast. Yeah, that's cool. That's really good.

If the intro is just, this is a HeadGum Podcast. This is the HeadGum Podcast. A HeadGum Podcast. Okay, Riley. And it's just that for 45 minutes and then that's the show. Forever, dog. Okay, Riley, you do Rose's part and then I'll come in as the host. Okay. This is a HeadGum podcast.

Welcome to This is the HeadGum podcast. I'm Jeffrey James. With me as never before is Amir Blumenfeld, Jake Hurwitz, and Riley Ann Sport. Are you nervous? You've done this before. I've never had more than four in a remote session. You're also going through puberty, it seems. My balls dropped.

You're drinking whiskey and going through puberty. Yeah. Are the squares on your guys' FaceTime drifting in, out, larger, smaller? Yes, I really don't like it. This is not a good plan, right? What a weird feature that it's not it does it's like a screensaver but it's us so i'm sort of getting nauseous talking yeah which is fine and you were sick before this yes no i had a boat situation earlier today i took my trump

dinghy out to sort of protest slash own the libs and i got like pretty ill. Open the ocean. Yeah. Open the Pacific. It's time. Yeah. It's like whoever's talking. It's kind of like Zoom where it's like the box around it lights up but it's like whoever's talking kind of gets center stage. So it's almost like if someone were to talk while I'm talking right now they would kind of push me

off stage and it would hurt a little bit. Let's see if that happens. Does it make my screen bigger? No. Mine always stays... Wait, is mine bigger for you? No, it's starting to gradually get bigger as you talk. Oh yeah, yours is getting bigger. If you guys think that part is annoying, for me, now I'm just looking

at myself because I accidentally pressed effects and it's not letting me move the screen at all. Yeah, yeah. That might be better. It was worse, but now it's back to normal, which is also bad. Okay. So, what is this show? This show is sort of inviting the people who listen to HeadGum Podcast,

who watch the HeadGum videos, who are fans of you guys, kind of join us for a weekend happy hour of sorts. And why is this show? When is this show? When is this show? When is the show? What's the why now? Of this show? What's the why not?

The why now, why this play? Why today? Yeah. I will say it's late January when we're recording this. There's this silly, crazy virus going on in China. We assume it won't really affect us much,

but I'm looking forward to seeing how everything pans out 2020 vision as in i've never seen my future clearer and i know exactly what's gonna happen okay what's gonna happen i am gonna get rich fast and then i'm gonna rest on my laurels canyon or otherwise get rich quick and die young. Get ripped quick and get rich fast. I'm going to sell my semen. I'm going to sell my semen to semen. Sailors in Marina Del Rey are going to own part of me. Marines in Marina Del Rey.

How are you guys taking the quarantine? Week to week? Because that's how I'm doing it. I would say day to day, but every day not much happens. So like time, it's almost like somebody erased all the parts of a calendar that separate days. And now it's just a giant square that said April. Right. I do mine week by week and it's all weather based. Because I sort of have like a baseline depression.

And when it's 48 degrees and rainy, then I know that's going to be a sad day. But when it's like 65 and sunny, I'm like, oh, okay, that's a day where I won't be that sad. But you'll still be sad. Only a little. But not that. Only a little.

Not that sad. Not that sad. Yeah, not that sad and that that's something i take it day by day because i feel like i'm going through i've noticed a pattern where it's like i'll have three really good days and then i'll have one really sad day so it's like i'm on a high for three and down for one and it's kind of that roller coaster where it's a sad and scared because you're probably taking one pill every other

day the molly that I gave you you want a micro dose so you're taking like break that up into thirds and then because I'm sort of just constantly riding that wave right right right so if I do the micro dose it won't be the so there's no dip I'm just like chill yeah I'm chill right now

I can tell by your tweets which read like a suicide note let me just pull them up each one is blaming someone else also the Molly gave us liquid gels so I'm pretty sure it's Advil Jeff how are you taking it day to day year to year minute to minute We're liquid gels, so I'm pretty sure it's Advil.

Jeff, how are you taking it? Day to day? Year to year? Minute to minute? I'm taking it ear to ear. As in, I'm smiling. And I'm eating corn. Smiley through the virus.

Nice. Say cheese, please. Oh my god. Smiley virus. I'm taking it week by week. This week was not as good as the week before, which was not as good as the week before that. Do you want to get what I'm getting at? Yeah, that's a good question.

Are you guys trending up or down in the grand scheme of things? Down. Interesting. I'm trending up. I'm trending up. Okay. down interesting i'm trending up i'm trending up okay yeah i think i think uh the beginning the end of march was the worst of it because there was a lot of uncertainty yes and now it's like i'm used to this lifestyle forever now so it's oh no now we're certain now we're certain it sucks don't worry before it was like there was more hope and now it's sad because there's not much.

Exactly. Once you get over it and realize this is us now forever, it feels fine. Daniel Rashid, Daniel's dad, because we were FaceTiming with his family, and I think this was probably like a month ago, which is insane to say. But we were just talking about like, I think it think it was yeah it was like around the end of march and we were all very sad and it was like thinking about like the new normal and and daniel's dad made a good point and he's like well there's never been like a normal and things are constantly in flux like when people rode horses everywhere like that was the normal and then things are always changing and it's like we're always adapting to what our normal is right now. So I feel like it's very strange. Like, you know, it's May 3rd and we've been doing this is better than that. Because at least we have a...

So I'm paying for a car I don't use, which is good. Which is good. It is different. But also if you get like a toothache, you aren't dead. Yeah. Beer was hot back then. Beer came hot in wood barrels. And now we can at least refrigerate the shit.

I was also going to talk about a FaceTime conversation I had with Mr.id so i'm glad oh really oh that's great he just lambasted me um he dragged me through the mud for for being sad yeah good man yeah he said hey man i can help you out with this and you thought it was going to be kind of a bro bro to bro therapy session but instead he just said don't be Yeah, he sort of like did this thing where he slapped me through the computer. It was a lot of like hashtag get over it type of mentality, which is like a kind of like a self-help thing that I'm pretty into.

Just like fucking man up, you fucking idiot, you fucking asshole. You think you're fucking so good. This is a live tweet. You think the world fucking revolves around you. Yeah, this is clearly about someone specific, if not yourself. When the world gets coronavirus,

you gotta grab the virus by the nuts. Get back out there and fucking open society. That's cool. Yeah. Pull your stuff up by your boot strap-ons and get back into the workforce. Cowboy up, motherfucker. Get back into the workroom.

This is RuPaul's Drag Race. horse cowboy work room this is rupaul's drag race does anybody have a low point a rock bottom of sorts from their week that they'd like to share i got i don't have a rock bottom but i have a people's elbow what was the low i i don't wait i want well i want to hear i want to hear everyone else's first because i need to temper how sad mine is. Yeah, I know me too. I'm like, oh, do you really want to know? I'll never tell. Yeah, you are crying though. No.

Jeff, why don't you start us off? I mean, it wasn't a horrible week. I don't have a great one to start us off with. I think you guys should go with whatever the saddest thing is you can muster to share publicly. Wait, just for the week or for the whole entire virus? Let's say this week just to make it simpler. Great. Okay.

Then that also doesn't go too deep in my closet. Yeah, absolutely. I noticed that I don't put my laundry away, so I'll just put clothes in a dryer and use that as my closet. Yeah, absolutely. I noticed that I don't put my laundry away. So I'll just put clothes in a dryer and use that as my closet. And then when I'm done with the clothes that are in the dryer, my washer is now full.

So then I can just wash my clothes and put them in the dryer. So I'm sort of living this kind of vagrant slash depression lifestyle where I don't put anything away because I never have to, because I never have to look good. That is kind of bleak to be honest that was a twitter thread uh you can go find it at bluenfeld on twitter oh I have a I have a good twitter based one but that one is the most real

level of low the twitter based one is I I tweeted that if ignorance is bliss then I must be smart as shit lol but there was a typo so I deleted it but then a friend of mine copied the screen grab of when it was up and it's like if ignorance is bliss I must be smart as shit I noticed that so I was like great

I bragged about being smart had a typo had to delete it now i can't use that tweet which is honestly like 10 likes and 112 fucking retweets away from being viral if you left up the typo it would have been like kind of an esoteric smart joke yeah yeah i would have been ratioed i would have been absolutely ratioed for that. The whole idea of the tweet is like, well, I'm sad, but I'm smart. And then you're not smart. So you're just sad and dumb. Exactly.

The two worst things to be. I guess my rock bottom is that I don't take out the trash that often, mostly because I'm scared of the outdoors. And also, I don't want to take the trash out. So it's just piles of garbage everywhere. Yeah, there's a lot of flies behind you I see that's sort of like a rolling rock that's like a rolling rock bottom

that's like a new part of your life and that's really the worst thing of all oh my god you should definitely take your trash out that's disgusting it's really not all over the place it's just this kitchen trash but it's all just like but it must smell bad it's weird to have a rock bottom that is so instantly solvable the trash is already in

a bag all you have to do is tie it up and bring it outside but the issue is so much better if you take it out i will but the issue is it starts to pile up so much that like to get it out of the bin it's gonna like pull all this trash out onto the floor so i'm avoiding that moment as long as possible but it also gets worse when it happens yeah look let's you guys i think i think we should have you take out your trash live on on air on air it's such a visual thing on we save it let's save it for the end of the show though fine and then i'll fold my laundry my low point this week um i mentioned it on instagram but i i rode my bike around the city which i thought was going to be very interesting because uh like the streets are all super empty right now and i like as i was getting ready i was looking for my bike lock key and i found a like an old polaroid camera that Jill and I had. So I was like, oh, this will be really dope.

I'll like go into Manhattan and like take photos of the empty streets. And I took a whole bunch of photos. And like, as I was doing it, I was just like putting them in my hoodie pocket to develop. And like, I'll look at these later. I can't wait to like see how these turned out. And I rode my bike for like two hours. I came back, I like put everything away and I took out these photos. One of them, one of the photos, which was one of my favorite ones was just an all black, uh, an all black slide that says,

this is not a film. Like it was just the first, it was just the first photo in the roll that doesn't get developed at all right um and then all of the other ones were completely exposed overblown you couldn't tell what any of them were one of them you can tell is a building but the freedom tower was behind it and you just can't see that at all so they were all completely empty yeah that's art now that is honor that's that's modern yeah that's modern i made the best of it and i posted it on instagram but i was sad about it what about the you have to wear diapers that's pretty sad you didn't say that part that you have to wear diapers now because you've been sort of rendered incontinent by the

sadness that's a good one right i've never heard of that sorry you don't yeah you don't know jeff said this week and you started wearing you started wearing the diapies was it in late april the diapies are actually a high point of this week because they're working so well and i go doo doo and i go wawa in my diapy yeah even if you're incontinent you don't have to like do baby talk right like you can just like take it as a serious medical issue also try not to shift your way because i'm hearing like it sounds like a bag of ruffles every time you like move to the left it's crinkle cut potato chips in your pants speaking of baby talk jeff when we recorded our pod the other day we were doing a bit and instead of saying hung like a horse you said

hung like a horsey which is really stuck with me and i would love for you to never say that again. Well, okay, so hung like a horse means you have a giant awk, but I am hung like a horsey because it's kind of medium. Like a horsey baby, like a baby horsey. It's a small toy. It's a small wooden toy for a toddler. Because it's sponsored by Hasbro. Like a rocking horse.

So that was part of the low of my week was hearing that. But I think the real low of the week was learning about murder hornets. Because my anxiety can only take so much. Now there's bee killers. Now there's killer bee killers. And I looked up a photo of them. Because I guess I was on Twitter. Twitter?

I was on Twitter and like Jesus Christ I was on Twitter and um I was going doodoo and wawa and I was on Twitter I was looking at Amio's existential duet on Twitter

and um I saw that murder hornets was trending and I just decided to do a little ye olde google search

and I saw the fucking monsters and I wanted to throw my have ye olde Google search and I saw the fucking monsters and I wanted to throw my, have you seen what they look like? I saw, I saw a photo on Twitter. Um, but I, I, I did this smart thing and I did not click through. I saw that and I was just like, nope, not now. Not now. Two inches big. They are two inches long. They're huge. They're the size. They are. They look, they, I don't know what they look like. They look like a fucking Tamagotchi. They're Tamagotchi size.

And they and they behead bees. They decapitate bees. Yeah, that's not for me. And they don't pollinate either. They don't even serve. No, they just kill other bees. It's insane. I'm OK with it.

I'm not a big fan of the bees so that's ultimately popular opinion they're doing our or should i say my bidding almost like they're getting rid of the shit that i don't want to deal with yeah sorry amir i actually you sent a package to my house i think you by mistake and it was packaged the return address was from japan did you bring these fuckers to the u.s man i ordered a few off of uh webo and yeah it doesn't matter where you got them you did them and they're here and they're multiplying yeah by the way i still have that alibaba login if you wanted to order stuff no because i don't want to be attached to this right because it's going to come out eventually okay all right yeah

let me know what were the highs of your week? Is that, is that not the Molly, not the Molly, but like, what's the, like, what are the good, the good, like the roses to the thorns.

I played a, I played a few good Mario cart levels last week. I was like, all right, that's, this is good. I beat you a couple of times. That felt nice.

And I, I'm starting to cement my place atop the head gum leaderboard, which feels right to me at this point in time to have that be the case are you down to play tonight i would never i retired no you just said you were starting to take it and you're retired yeah because if i if i retire on top michael jordan style then i'm officially the goat that being said i can't play tonight because I'll be watching the documentary about Michael Jordan fine

sorry excuse me classic zoom issues oh my god they're in a fight no yeah just try to stay out of my fucking way yeah we're all trying to have like a good time but you're like really bringing the negative let's have a good time but I think we're gonna go one at a time we're gonna have a good time and it's gonna be my time all right

i heard him that's upset what was the question i fucking sorry so you didn't have an answer i went boom boom in my diapy yeah so we're talking about the highs yeah you were talking i think my highlight was i went to like this um um, like a club, like a little like rave thing, like an underground, uh, like a party, like a disco type situation. Yeah.

Kind of like a distance, like a live event. Yeah. Like six feet away. This was one of these things that, that was impossible. It was impossible to be six feet away. Cause it was just like such a fucking,

it was like a cuddle puddle. Nice. Um, yeah. So like we were all all how are you feeling rolling tripping i feel i mean i have like that like the suicide sunday molly hangover that's just like a dry cough and so no that's not that's not high fever high fever just like kind of getting over the you infected thousands of people hard to breathe or it's impossible to breathe okay one of your Polaroids that you took

the only one that did develop properly was you falling off the Brooklyn Bridge because you were wheezing so much and I deserved it and I deserved it

I should have done that now it's time for everybody's favorite bit it and I deserved it. I should have done that. Now it's time for everybody's favorite bit. Did you talk to your ex? Jake, just yes or no, did you talk to your ex? Yes. Alright, Amira, did you talk to your ex? No. Riley, did you talk to your ex?

No, but I would love to hear that you did. I talked to my ex. Of course. did you talk to multiple exes or just one i only have three and one of them it's still raw so obviously it was her it was her 100 yeah that's the one you don't want to talk to yeah right okay really yeah yeah not where it's raw no i talked to my high school sweetheart and she is a sweetheart. Nice. Hot.

I propose. What's the next segment? I propose. And now the next segment is who's going to be my fucking bachelor party. Riley? I'm down. I actually know an underground rave that we can still get into. They're definitely closed. Amir, you're kind of our resident scientist, germaphobe, and I hate to use this language, but nerd.

Would you be interested in just enlightening people with what we know so far about Reeve the virus on today, May 3rd? Well, I know for a fact that recently we hit our deadliest day in the United States. So more people died this weekend than has previously died. In April, coronavirus was the number one cause of death in America, surpassing every other disease. The amount of people that died in April is like a certain multiple that's above what's even been reported for coronavirus.

So people are assuming the death toll, it's already surpassed vietnam numbers is actually low compared to how many people have been killed and then despite all this uh mounting evidence that the disease and the numbers are just getting worse there's still so many people who haven't been infected yet that we're only seeing the beginning of this and of course coupled with the fact that people are desperate to get outside uh we haven't even hit the first peak but it'll be a lot uh lighter than what's in store for us in may and june so if you think this is bad it's just the tip of not even the iceberg we don't even see anything yet it's going to get a lot worse very very quickly and get used to hunkering anything yet. It's going to get a lot worse very, very quickly

and get used to hunkering down. Cause if you think nine weeks is a lot, it'll be closer to 90 before you know it. And did I talk to my ex? No, I didn't talk to my fucking ex cause they don't want to talk to me. I'm a sour guy. I'm in a bad mood. What is there? I'm not lightening the day for anybody. They don't want to reach out and ask me how i'm doing how am i doing it's like you just tanked you tanked the fucking show you destroyed this podcast all you had to do is offer hope to people all you had to do is offer hope to some people even in a small way oh oh i just sorry i misunderstood i thought you were asking for the reality of the situation you want me to lie for everybody everybody yeah yeah everything's gonna we're all let's start relaxation and meditation will help you feel better or something.

What did you want me to say to these ignorami? Do you want me to just feed them lies? Never mind. Obviously, never mind. I shouldn't have asked. Jesus, man. Should we introduce them to, after that devastating check-in with Amir, should we introduce them to our favorite new segment on Review Review?

Yeah. We like to do a little thing on our show that I think we could bring, I think it would really hit home. It should be on every HeadGum podcast, really. It should be on every HeadGum podcast because it all comes back to the man, the myth, the legend. This segment is called What Happened, Marty? So for us, it's usually about why hasn't he gotten us more ads?

Why is he so sad? Why isn't he, you know, kind of getting out there emotionally, physically? So if you guys want to chime in, you just got to end it with a little, come on, what happened, Marty? All right, why don't you guys start and then we'll take the third and fourth one. Marty refuses to get a Nintendo Switch because a couple months ago he thought it was childish and it was a toy for children. But now all of us are bonding and having more personal experiences outside the office and he's missing out. What happened, Marty? I texted Marty asking which was better, Wexler's Deli or Maury's Bagels. And he said, Maury's is a cleaner version of Wexler's.

I said, how thin is the slice? And he said, the Nova's so sharp, they might as well call it cheddar. I said, because sharp cheddar? And he didn't respond. What happened, Marty? I know Marty stopped playing video games entirely. He was racking up a time debt on one of those games. He said he's played over a hundred hours,

a thousand hours. I forget already. And then I asked him how it was going and he said, I, he had to, he had to give it up. So he stopped indulging in the one escape that gave him joy. So what happened,

Marty? I'm wondering what happened there. I saw last time I saw Marty, I believe he had a tattoo of a rose on his forearm and i think maybe a tattoo of a lightning bolt somewhere and then we were on a zoom call last week and he raised his arm and it looked like he had a quarter sleeve and i'm just wondering how many tattoos he got in his first one was a year ago so this is just like really wall-to-wall tatting and I'm wondering what what happened Marty I went to the gym with Marty and we just lifted for for a day before quarantine and in the in the locker room

afterwards we were changing and I saw that he had two w's tattooed on both of his ass cheeks and when he bent down and said wow and i was just wondering what happened marty so he was naked he he goateed you he was the he got to aid me and he got me so that was before he put on that was before he put on his diaper i don't know if you guys well jake you're the only one but uh i don't know if Gautier, if you've seen his music video back in the day, but he was naked. Yeah, no, Amir went to high school with Gautier. Yeah. Did you really? We were in ninth and tenth grade, me, Gautier.

That's really... Yeah. And what? You started a list, but it was just the two of you. Me, Gautier. Wasn't it like you and Jesse, Ofer rami and like um gotcha used to like do jackass style stunts like you would do like we would like do fake interview man on the street shit so like gotcha would like ask them a question like hey can i can you name 31 flavors in 31

seconds and i'll give you 31 000 and then they would like freak out and me and Gautier would sort of snicker and run off and kiss each other behind a bush. Wait, what? Behind a bush? That's the craziest part. Jesse would shoot off fireworks into his own ass and then everybody would kind of crack up on camera. But then Amir would kind of do parkour and hurt his neck

and then it would be Gautier's turn and he would just kind of be like, I was sort of the filming guy. Yeah. Gautier never got into like the pain stuff. He would want to do like the embarrassing shit. Yeah. He would like wake up his parents and kind of annoy them. Bam Margera

style. Yeah. No one had the balls to do what Steve-O did. No one had the balls to do what Dave England could do. Easy. Okay. Easy, brother. You're clenching your jaw. There's a lot of tension in the jaw. Just loosen up. Loosen your shoulders.

What happened, Johnny Knoxville? What happened, Gautier? Part of this podcast is supposed to be kind of like a peek behind the curtain, so if anybody has any head gum memories to share, I think it could be interesting to the audience about just the inner workings of the Bish and maybe something from our company retreats and shows at South By or in Chicago or this year. I think it's going to happen this year, right? Atlanta?

I think it's Atlanta or Toronto. Yeah, we'll be in Atlanta. So one of my favorite head gum memories is you had like the um your prolapsed anus and you needed extra health care and you eliminated andrew's health care to pay extra for your health care you don't yeah just try to tell that story without alluding to me having a pink sock but i do i i appreciate you calling him andrew though because it kind of humanizes pile a little bit more to make sure that the audience knows that you took away his yeah what he really needed.

Especially being in upstate New York. Yeah. Yeah. Andrew Pyle, his health care was eliminated because Amir had a pink sock. Yeah. To get an emergency elective. Was there like a really loud fart in a karaoke party? Something silly.

That happened also, too. Yeah. There was one time. The prolapsing. It was because you were using a prostate massager during working hours. So that's kind of like, it wasn't even in the bathroom either. It was in the studio, which is where everybody needs to be. What?

What did you say? A what? A prostate massager. So you're saying I went to the studio, put my ankles behind my head, and just sort of stuck a dildo in my ass, waited for someone to come in. It was actually an egg. It was an egg. We're being replaced by machines. All all right does anyone else have a story uh no i i am serious here for a

second south by memories riley oh that's so yeah i mean there's so many right like all of us oh you didn't go to south by south by together wasn't invited oh yeah um man i mean it's like chicago did you go to wait i did oh chicago I do have memories of because I was there. So that's the difference between me and the other three things. How'd you know we were in Chicago, by the way? I forgot. Why were you there in Chicago? Why was I there? I saw you there, but that was the first I heard about you coming.

Because we opened for you guys, actually. Yeah, that's true. Okay, so I understand why you were there. I just don't understand why. And we were at the merch table the whole time. It was helpful to have you there in that capacity. That's true. Okay, all right.

Cool, that makes sense. So that was awesome. So you've been included forever. That's awesome. So we've established that Riley's always around, always in front. She's canon, basically. I actually do have a great,

I have a fun little backstage mem, not necessarily backstage of a real stage but back peeking behind the curtain behind the smoke and mirrors um i do remember claire slaughter a mirror schmell bluenfeld and i took a lift from the airport to our hotel when we got to chicago and i remember our our Lyft driver was like asking was like asking what we were doing there and we were trying to get him to come we're like oh you know we're doing like a comedy podcast festival you should

come and he's like oh you guys you guys do comedy and we're like mmhmm and he was like telling us telling us really long and kind of not great jokes. And we didn't laugh because we didn't know that they were done. Of course, egging him on at knife point.

And then he would finish it and he'd be like, yeah, so that's kind of the joke. And we kind of felt like we had to laugh. And all of us were texting each other. We're like, should we jump out and at one point i think we like amir made it you made a joke and just pointed to some abandoned building like on this side of the street he's like oh well this is us and it was like more of a joke for us and the driver was like no that's not where you're no that can't be where it's staying yes no i don't know if you were joking or not because you you said you were funny, is what he said to me.

So that was a really powerful experience. That was a scary moment in time. It was a scary moment in time. Imagine being quarantined with that man. Imagine us backstage at Talia Hall last year being told that this is what we'd be doing on this day, today, May the 3rd. Wait, when was that a year ago? Was it like June? It was June 15th or something

like that. June 15th? Almost a year. Fucking crazy. My favorite HeadGum memory was South By in 2017. Or no, 2018. I didn't say a person. I a time it was the game was all there simply well the gang was kind of there you know everyone was like a lot of them were there

perfect crew that was when the vibes were still positive and everybody like yeah you know on the same page communicative just like really, we couldn't mesh better. That was the whole thing. Awesome. Totally. And it's so fun because I remember texting you guys there. One second, Jeffrey was talking. I was just saying that dynamics are such a thing.

Hold on, let Jeff finish. Dynamics are such a thing. So to have- That's what's so important. To have the company is the bonds. Yeah, the bonds are so important. And it's so cool that bonds can also stay over time and space and distance. My ear hurts. There's trying to look to see. Yeah, the bonds are so important and it's so cool that bonds can also like stay over, over time and space

and distance. My ear hurts. There's something that's like grating. Jeff, what were you going to say? What was the South by memory that only, only a couple of us

were there for? And I'm glad you guys mentioned bonds because our bonds finally kind of paid off at that point. Like we had bought them low in 2016 and by 2018

they were high. So we all sold out and suddenly we're like thousandaires, right? And so. Yeah, that's right and jake leave it lead a toast at the airbnb in austin and uh you know it's kind of the start of the weekend we we have a show the next day and the day after that amir raised the toast and he's like uh like to good memories to the team to austin to south by and uh oh yeah we got the doughboys and that was when the dough boys had signed. You had guys kept it a secret. Everybody got goosebumps. Marty said, chime. It was a whole thing. Um,

that was awesome. I also remember that on the way Amir and I were, had just finished that tour that we did with middle ditch. So we were, we flew from Vancouver that like that morning to ditch so we were we flew from vancouver that like that morning to austin and we were getting on the plane in vancouver uh when we got the email that said that the dough boys chose uh head gum to go with and it was like this is it just bodes so well for the weekend we were so amped yeah that's so cool in a dream world we get so big on patreon that we can let head gum die a slow death right like that's your dream world and in dream world like you can just sort

of think big so like why is in your dream world head gum dies ideal scenario the burning sinking ship that is head gum that's dream world yeah i was allowed to it's finally allowed to rest just just say in a dream world everyone's successful you don't have to say like it's like more selfish to to have something that's in pain continue to live i feel like it's actually the selfless like in a dream world though dream for it to die. Okay. All of my dreams come true. Head gum dies a slow, painful death. No. Slow, painful death.

Not in the dream world. And I make like 2,000 bucks. A day? On Patreon. Also, you would let it die or you would sell it and let it live on just not under your guys? Sounds like a nightmare world. I would shudder it in this dream world. You want everyone else to be- Suffer.

And you to be fine. If I have $2,000 and everyone else- I know what you're saying. You don't have to reiterate it. You already said it nine times. I think if everyone else's life sucks and I have 2K- That's right. You like that.

That's your dream world. That's quote best case scenario for you. Yeah. Yeah. And if that makes me an asshole, if that makes me a bad guy, because I want other people to fail so I can just barely pass

but look like a success, you get exactly why that's bad. Then you know what? So be it. Then call me a pink sock. And I guess I'm a colon of a man so i thought that we might uh call one of our friends especially someone who wouldn't want to be called uh jeff speed dialing his ex right now take me back please i thought we'd call one of my friends or at least someone who's supposed to be my best friend.

Hey Siri, call the last person I called five times. Through thick and thin, but it was actually through sick and grim. Hey Siri, play John Mayers moving on and getting over so that I can kind of get in the mindset that I was when I called the bish. Truly though, I thought that we could give Gabrus a call and see if he picks up which he

won't but even that even better love it i would call gabrus out of the blue i haven't called gabrus in months years that's the whole point that's the point of the bit this is why this is the time that's the point of quarantine the point is that i'm gonna call no he doesn't know though the whole thing is that he's like why is amir calling me it's fucking sunday night that's what he'll think that's what he'll think and then he's on air and suddenly all his thoughts are recorded and he doesn't know until it was released and now he has to be on and like be funny because he knows he's on a

podcast and so it's like you're putting him on the spot that's putting him on the spot is exactly what I would want to do you want me to alienate a friend I want you to go out on a limb for your buddy so that they are embarrassed on air and then we'll edit it out. For the show.

For the show. It's for the show. Headgum's fucking swan song. For the show. He said we're going to edit it out. For the show. The show. For the show.

For the show. Hard to chant on FaceTime. For the show. Yeah, there's a lag. A latency, if you will. I could call someone else. No, call Capers, man. Fucking call more lapkins.

I didn't have my phone My phone's charging in a different room You would have sprung this on me Yeah I sprung this on you like spring sprung on my ass I wasn't expecting March 21st You weren't expecting the day I wasn't expecting the solstice Right

Is March 21st spring I don't fucking care but I woke up on a day Whether it was the 21st 22nd or 20th It doesn't fucking matter but I woke up in spring. I don't fucking care, but I woke up on a day, whether it was the 21st, 22nd or 20th. It doesn't fucking matter. But I woke up and it was like, oh, it's spring. Every day you wake up on a day. Every day I win, win, win,

no matter who. And I didn't know when. So I woke up and it was spring and it had sprung. And I had a spring in my step, a pep in my eye. And it is a day, babe. A glint in my belly button

that I had to fork out with a fishing pole. Plug in your mic. It's not plugged in. Plug in your mic. It's not plugged in. Take out your trash. It doesn't matter. The podcast is over. I stopped recording two hours ago.

Take out your trash. Call your girlfriend. Take your trash out. Think you've had a garbage. Have you guys seen that thing that ESPN did where it was like, who's the most famous person we could get on this stream? Of course not. Of course I haven't seen that. No, it went viral it was like, who's the most famous person we could get on the stream? Of course not. Of course I haven't seen that.

No, it went viral. I'm serious. I haven't seen it. Katie Nolan did that. Yeah, Katie Nolan did that. Who did they get on the stream? They ended up getting Dwayne Wade. They got Lin-Manuel Miranda, Ian Carmel, which is a little bit of a downgrade from

that. You know, they got a bunch of people. A-listers. And they just added them? They just added them to a downgrade from that. No! You know, they got a bunch of people. A-listers. And they just added them? They just added them to a Zoom call, yeah. They texted them the link, and then unannounced, they joined. We're not even on a Zoom. For our version of, can we get a celebrity on here,

it's just adding Jeff, who was already hosting the show, to the show. Okay. And now Riley's disconnected. So, so far, this game has resulted in us losing people and gaining nobody. In a way, we've sort of lost the dead weight. So in this way, we only have three people. So now we add another one and it's like, it doesn't matter how it's recorded or if it's recorded. And it's Gabrus.

And now we lost Amir. So it's me and Jake. Wow. If this is how it ends, this is how it ends. But all I'm saying is that maybe you get Ariel Vandenberg on here. Maybe you get fucking, do you know, who do you know um um jake left obviously well uh this has been uh one of the worst hours of my life thank you guys so much for listening this is obviously not how i intended to end it but it is sad for me because it's not only like they they hung up on me as much as they

hung up hung up on you guys and it almost probably has more to do with hanging up on me which is fine and i'm like not bitter about it but i will be sad and i'm going to pour myself into pouring whiskey for me into me so basically what i'll do is like i'm sad on the inside and so i'll pour my energy and time into pouring whiskey and then pour the whiskey into me. And I think that's good to have. If you did like the show, please subscribe on whatever platform you choose. And it would be a huge help as well if you could rate the show five stars on Apple podcast. And if your review makes us laugh, maybe we'll even read it on air or we won't. It doesn't matter because the show doesn't matter.

We welcome any feedback, any segment ideas that you guys have that you would like to hear about any head gum inner workings issues plagues not related to coronavirus but more so just within the office like a ferris like a claire slaughter maybe we'll have them on the show and let them defend themselves in front of you guys live on air um so the idea of this show is just to hang out with us. Fucking have a drink, pour a whiskey, pour a beer, have a wine, whatever you want. Have a soda, a water, it doesn't matter. Listen to us, make it feel like we're all hanging out

because honestly, in times like these, obviously we're all home and we can't all be connected, but in some ways, we're more connected than ever. And I wrote that down on a piece of parchment. and we can't all be connected, but in some ways, we're more connected than ever. And I wrote that down on a piece of parchment. So yeah, thank you guys so much. We'll see you next week or not, perhaps with a different cast of characters or the same.

I think the idea is that we will rotate in and out different HeadGum staff members. Also, just so that you guys can get to know them. Everybody at HeadGum is funny. Also, just so that you guys can get to know them. Everybody at HeadGum is funny, charming, talented, hot. So thank you guys so much. We will see you next week or we won't. It'll be interesting. Like America, this is a great experiment. That was a HeadGum Podcast. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast.

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