Segments - BONUS THURSDAY: The Headgum Podcast

Episode Date: September 24, 2020

This is a special feed drop of THE HEADGUM PODCAST with us, Geoff, and Marika. A silly great time for your weekend listening.If you haven't yet, you can subscribe to THE HEADGUM PODCAST wherever you listen to this show.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed?

Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now.

I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live light. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell

you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but we'll see you guys there no no no no welcome to a special bonus episode of if i were you well technically not if i were you but pretty much might as well should be if i were you this is an episode of the head gum podcast which is a newish uh podcast on the head gum network it's hosted by jeffrey james and every episode is a new round table of sorts featuring head gum uh workers podcasters personalities so this is last week's episode it's uh me it's jake it's jeff and it's marika and if you guys haven't listened yet this is a good entry point into the head gum podcast every episode is roughly like this it's a little sillier a little wackier a lot of bits and we think it'll be up your alley so we

thought we could slide it into this feed because you know we're creatures of habit so you're not necessarily willing to go to the head gum podcast and subscribe yet so i have to sort of like a giving a dog medicine, slide it into this feed. Get you hooked. Get you interested. And if you want to hear more, there's, I think, 17 episodes now.

So yeah, keep listening to this one. It'll be the entire episode from last week. And then subscribe to the HeadGum Podcast. You can listen to the previous 16 episodes and the future, I want to say, I think we're signed up to make 2,000 episodes. So sign up now, enjoy this episode, and have an amazing weekend. Without further ado, the HeadGum Podcast. Let me just pull up the theme song. You say this every week, but it's not the theme song.

It's just a song that you're choosing from spotify welcome to the head gum podcast this obviously doesn't match the energy that you let in with what do you mean right it was so amped. It was like so exciting. You head banged so hard, your headphones came off. Right. Just because it was this week, the trend by Reliant K. Yeah, obviously.

Which I'm bringing up for an exact reason that we can't talk about. Marika, who did we pitch to today slash are going to next week? I don't know. I'm not on the. And this is the part where you bleep out who we're talking to about creating podcasts. This is a meeting as much as it is a podcast.

I think this is like the fastest censorship that's ever happened on any podcast. Amir, say some shit. Don't just like do other work during the. Because you're looking down and you're typing, so I know you're not paying attention and I know you're sending an email or editing a script or something. I honestly... Can I just interrupt, Jeff? Because Amir

was distracted and I promise you he was not doing work. He was texting a basketball text thread or something. There's no way that he was just trying to get work done on the side. It was a basketball text thread or something. There's no way that he was just trying to get work done on the side. It was a basketball text thread, but it wasn't a basketball text

that I sent. It was related to LeBron James. About his off-the-court quotes about a game that he was playing later today, which I don't even know what sport that is. Basketball.

Okay, all right. What was the quote? I can't wait to play this game. I love talking about basketball. Watch me shoot the hoops and score the points. He didn't say that. He said that? That was a...

In a pregame presser, yeah. A verbatim. He was like, I'm looking forward to scoring. But the whole point of the game is to put the ball in the hoop and watch this shit that's what he said

the point is to watch this shit he explained in a press conference the point of the game they asked him it sounded like you changed directions

mid quote that you were giving there too did you me giving or LeBron I don't know did he say that I can't put my head

say if you're reading the quote will you read it again? Yeah. I can't wait to put the ball in the basket. The whole point of the game is to check out the HeadGum podcast and watch this shit. That's crazy. If he said that, that's crazy. I'm just reading.

Like, you can't get mad at me. Read it one more time? Yeah. Here we go. Because if you're just reading, it should be word for word. Every single time it should be the same. Exactly. Orange circle.

That's the ball. That's the rim. Coincidence? Now watch this drive. Listen to Buckets on the HeadGum Network. Oh, fuck off with the promoting of Buckets. What is this? Marika just changed her background on the Zoom

to the hot priest from Fleabag. It's Andrew Scott. I watched a play this weekend that was performed live in a theater to no one but broadcast around the world and it's a one-man show called three kings starring andrew scott and i took three kings of andrew scott i think he's more cute right like hot i imagine like a big tall strong guy he's more cute, right? Like, hot, I imagine, like, a big, tall, strong guy. He's more of, like, a cute, sort of shorter, like, sweeter. You don't want too many muscles, though.

You don't want too many muscles. You want, like... Yeah. But if your name is the Hot Priest, like, I wouldn't imagine that guy. I think he's hot. I'm looking at Google images of him. He's hot. Where is he from?

Ireland. He's from Ireland. I feel like that's the point of that, yeah, that character is like, he's not, I don't want to say unconventional, but it's like a different kind of hot. He's not McDreamy or McSteamy, but he's kind of hot in his own regard, in his own right. He's not. I don't think he's hot. I think he's cute and sweet. Also, if I had my druthers, personally, the original hot priest to me is from a television show called Grant Chester starring James Norton. And he's plays a,

literally the description of the show is like a hot vicar who likes jazz teams up with a cop, James Norton. Wait, James Norton. Yeah. It's so good. Don't watch shows like that.

I would actually listen to, I listened to a podcast called marika's druthers where you would just describe what you would have if you had your druthers brownlee's druthers yeah this guy's hot this guy's hot he's he's tall and he has a square chin james norton all he does in the show is bike ride with his dog that's named dickens and like listen to jazz and drink whiskey. It's great. It's a great show.

This guy doesn't have fucking eyebrows. I don't think so. He looks like Dave Rosenberg. Yeah. Dave Rosenberg is hotter than the hot priest. This guy's not hot. Are you kidding me? He needs to dye his eyebrows.

He looks flat. He looks like a square pizza. Yeah. I love a square pizza. Although, do you see this picture of him shirtless? He's kind of thick, which is hot. No's good his body's good but he's sort of i bet andrew what's his name the hot priest from fleabag i bet he doesn't have abs is that safe to say no he has i also saw a shirtless photo of him when i searched what's that guy's name again andrew scott i think what

people don't understand is that like it's easy to to have abs. If you are like a famous actor, like it almost comes with the territory. He doesn't have abs. He doesn't have abs. I'm sorry to say he has a flat stomach, but I don't see individual abdominal muscles. Yeah, I guess you're right.

Also, not abs like the other guy. What's the shortest you can be and still be hot. Like you can't be five, two and be hot. Not that he is five, two, but there's a cutoff at a certain point.

You're no longer hot. You're more cute. What's cited? You know the song Short King? It's like, I'm 5' something and I'm royalty. What is that something? Then we'll have our answer. Let's see. Short King, I'm 5'.

Nice. We'll keep this in. Oh my god, he says I'm five foot something, but my bill's all paid, so we don't even know that. Take a bit. Yeah. Wow. So it's really anything five foot that's considered short.

Yeah, so as long as you're... Well, this is already body shaming. No matter what the cutoff is, we're body shaming. Oh, we're saying they're royalty. As long as you're above five feet, you're royalty. Yeah, that's what you just said. It's what y'all are saying. I haven't spoken about it yet.

I know that's what the song said. I think this is wrong. I say you're not hot unless you're seven foot two. That's the hot height. That's that hot, hot height. I'm not saying you can't be, you can still be attractive. You just can't be hot. I'm sorry. Like saying you can't be, you can still be attractive. You just can't be hot. I'm sorry.

Like, those are the rules. You can still be handsome. You can still be cute. You can still be sweet. You can still be good looking. You just cannot be hot if you're not tall. Who makes it up to Amir? Why is it your-

I think it's 5'10", then. I think it's 5'10. And I also think there's a tall end cut off. I think if you go beyond like, let's say 6-6, you start to look a little alien to have. No, because like Serge Ibaka is 6-9 and he's

hot. No, Serge Ibaka is 69. He's actually 6-4, fucker. He's hot because he actually is a giving lover, and I won't retract anything I've said so far. All right. Why did you start this? This show will be out by the day of the show.

Oh, my God. I cannot mention. Why did you start with a Reliant case on and then talk about pitching someone and then instantly move off of both of those things? Because I mentioned in a content meeting, I actually don't think you were there about Reliant K's This Week the Trend. And this show is supposed to be an inner look at the network,

the inner workings, the cogs in the machine that is the network, including HeadGum Incorporated. Let's go back to Marika's druthers. Give me another druther of yours. If I had my druthers, if I had my druthers, if I had my druthers, theater would be back safely. Are you?

How? Would you, like, give me a timeline of when you'd be willing to go to a Broadway show. If they open theaters, like restaurants, at 25% capacity,

would you be like, me first, I want to buy a ticket. No. When there's a vaccine is when I will return. Yeah. What if you found out

that you had the antibodies and they opened to 25% capacity? I feel like I still, like in Nicholas Brown's songs, Antibodies, parentheses, do you have that? I don't really understand what they mean. So I don't feel confident enough and would rather just wait. What about a rapid test? A rapid test, everyone gets tested before they go in,

so everybody in there is guaranteed doesn't have COVID. Yeah, the rapid test is supposed to be as effective statistically as a vaccine. I mean, that feels better. The thing, I don't know, I don't understand how the time period between when you have it but like aren't showing symptoms or wouldn't be able to get results that like showed how would the test work if you had your druthers i don't know instant read 100 effectiveness yeah of course imagine a dongle so small you can swallow it if necessary what is wrong with you amir is holding up a usbc or a usb 2.0 to a usbc adapter yeah you're saying if it came to it you

could he's biting it it's in his mouth so not swallowing biting and yeah what jake was about to say is right a A smongle. I like that a lot. Who's the guy from Lord of the Rings? Smeagol? Or Gollum. Or Gollum. Yeah.

It kind of depends who you're talking to. There's Smeagol and Gollum. Do you guys think Gollum ever skis Slalom? Ask that again? Do you think Gollum has ever skied Slalom? It would be Gollum has ever skied Slalom it would be Gollum Smeagoling Slalom yeah Gollum Smeagoling Slalom

what the fuck are we saying it's like we're recording this at 3am yeah this brings us to our first segment fuck marry kill inanimate object slash concept edition

salsa guac queso everybody has an answer oh an answer just answer the question blue and film i haven't said anything he kills queso i know he kills queso i would kill queso i'm not high on cheese please don't need that sour cream in my guac you mean that wasn't even an option i'm just not an ingredient. I'm just saying. I'm waxing. I'm waxing dairy. Fun queso

marry salsa, kill guacamole. Kill guacamole. I don't need it. I can get by without the salsa. I would fuck guac. I would also. Salsa's a little too wet for me, so I would marry salsa because I like that wet-ass salsa.

And in terms of fucking a bowl of dip, what's better than a guac with my chip? How big can a bowl be and still be hot? How small can a bowl of guac be? I saw your phallus in the HeadGum locker room, by the way, and it is a tortilla chip. It's fragile. It has a bite out of it the way and it is a tortilla chip it's fragile it has a bite out of it yeah it's a bowl it's a tostito scoop

is it protruding inward or outward concave no yeah no all right and then jake your final answer i marry the the queso. I fuck the guac. And I think I can get by with no salsa as long as I'm allowed to have a little Cholula on the day. Are you putting Cholula just on chip plain? Into the guac. Okay. Yeah, directly into the guac. So I still get the spice.

So I still get the zest. Gotcha. Technically, like, salsa is basically an ingredient of guacamole. Unless you're not adding tomatoes, which some people don't yeah but you really should i don't add tomatoes because to add tomatoes to it is to water it down into kind of a mush to have that bite the bite of a tomato is not it's not anything it's nothing bites because it's actually soft and i'm not soft i'm hard i'm a hard i'm a veteran i'm a veteran are you fmk for your for you then what is it did you say oh it's kill it's kill um okay it's honestly it's kill

salsa marry queso because you get to choose like you know the best case so let's say torches right and then you marry guac i thought you just married you you married both. Fuck guac. I mean, fuck queso. You marry guac. Marry guac, fuck Torchy's queso. Kill salsa, because it's just tomato. And that can't be for me. Number two. Clurbs, dives, or cocktail bars.

Ooh. God, that's easy. I know. And? What? You kill the clurb you you kill the clurb you kill the club yeah you marry you marry a cocktail and you fuck a dive yeah that's my because you don't have to treat a dive right and that's the beauty of the dive right that's just a fuck buddy that's just a no strings attached thing and not the cocktail bars are marriage material to be sure they definitely actually in a in a way in the same way i feel like you have your favorite

dives that you'll always return to and that's sort of like a marriage but i actually know i go back i think that's what's the next one that's comfortable no let's answer let's do the third one i say i say kill clubs yeah mary dives and fuck queso. Fuck cocktail. And fuck cheese dips. Because I think cocktail bars are like, oh, it's sexy. It's the equivalent of like a cocktail dress, right? Or like a nice slim cut Ryan Gosling starred in Crazy Stupid Love style outfit. You lost me, but I'm back. But if you marry that cocktail bar, you're going to feel insecure.

Actually, I will say Ryan Gosling in Crazy Stupid Love was such a loser. If you watch that movie now, he's just like a pickup artist fucking loser. What's the least loser role for Ryan Gosling, though? Because I'm

thinking like La La Land, this white man that's teaching people about jazz, about jazz like first man he's got daddy issues or or not no ad astra sorry not first man in drive he's just a lift driver i guess that would be my vote he's a cab drive is probably that or um the place beyond the pines where he's like a carny that robs banks yeah uh to support his like uh knocked up girlfriend i think that's that's a little definitely not lars and the real girl definitely not all right 69ing doggy style reverse cow girl let's skip this one obviously

it's very rude it's inappropriate it's yeah we're being open with each other next one let's definitely pass yeah not that it's my answer but just to say like fucking you fuck 69 you marry reverse guy it makes no sense all right traveling dinners with friends concerts with enemies um yeah okay i have my answer but i don't want to go first everyone else go marika if you had your druthers okay oh boy kill traveling what i knew you're i knew you were gonna be mad fuck concerts marry dinners with friends. Amir? Shmuel Blumfeld? I would kill concerts. Concerts are not good to me anymore.

Just in a perfect world, they're not good to you. Yeah. No, even pre-corona concerts are bad. And then dinner with friends is ideal. So I'll marry dinner with friends because there's nothing better than a nice dinner with some buds and then what's the last one traveling traveling yeah fuck traveling no it's supposed to be like you had you oh you like it yeah okay so yeah so i'd fuck dinner with friends because i usually end up masturbating in the bathroom and that's kind of that rubbing your tortilla chip in the bathroom and then i'll marry

traveler i'll marry a blues traveler concert quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes,

and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey, and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on squarespace for decades at this point exactly eons it feels like yes so you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all in one, first stop, one stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of

funny that they have also award winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah.

How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed.

Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z.

So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments.

You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. This one's really, I want to hear Jake's answer. It's merry traveling, but what's the other ones? I would fuck dinner with friends and kill concerts. I think I'd have to, but it's the other ones um i would fuck uh fuck dinner with friends and kill concerts i think i'd have to but it's tough that's fair because i like i feel like i like going to one concert a year and i really like it but i can live without that i really i want to go to a

concert with you jake one day i would love that too god one day we'll come back i mean do you remember um amir when we went to in australia we saw furnace and the fundamentals just this insane australian cover band oh yeah that was a good concert but that we weren't even looking for a concert yeah that one we thought was a bar but we ended up at a fun concert that's right that's true but that was like six years ago and we haven't been to one since that's right but that's that's the concert i'd like to go to marika with so she can really watch me freak out but you could argue that that falls under the category of traveling. It's true. I'm going to go marry dinners with friends.

Fuck concerts. Yeah, it's hard. And I love traveling. I love traveling. But in terms of what I have to invest, I think concerts have a better ROI than, than traveling and seeing the world. I also just like, don't travel often.

Like I definitely go to more concerts than I do go places. So I just like being able to go like to the Hollywood bowl or something in the summer with friends and like see dead and company or like mayor and just like have that experience. And then I get to sleep in my own bed because when I travel, I have to do the hostiles style hostile and I'm hostile about it. I'm hard to travel with. Next question.

Head gum, LA head gum, Brooklyn or working from home. Ooh, well, head gum, LA doesn't exist anymore. So kill head gum,

LA. No, this let's, let's say for the sake of this one, we have had the new head gum la office it's somewhere really cool in silver lake a new kind of reno office style not co-working because we're obviously we have our own private suite but what's that marry head gum brooklyn fuck head gum LA and kill working from home

obviously I think I would do that that's mine also but if we can change working from home to working remote and I haven't killed travel then that's these are all separate from each other

they're not cumulative as long as I'm fucking queso, married to 69, and working from Brooklyn. From Bar Harbor. A bar with friends at Bar Harbor in France. A cocktail Bar Harbor. I gotta say, marry HeadGum LA for obvious treasons uh fuck HeadGum Brooklyn and then kill working from home and I'll only say that because we I feel like if if somebody needs to travel it's kind of always an op been an option at HeadGum to just work from home or remote or

from the other office yeah so it's fine to have the office like you know you can work from home if you need to because it's where it's all project based paced i also like previous to this ended up working from home for like a year when there was no office you just flipped me off yeah that was not the worst thing i've said so why did you do that that was was so rude. Sorry. It was, yeah. Maria could continue, but fuck you, Jeff. There's no point. You spent, Maria's been in every single office in New York City. Yeah. Which was.

Save for the very first, like, Adams recording basement, whatever. I don't, that wasn't even an office because I don't think, I don't think every single podcast even record there. Maybe, maybe they did though. Well, it was mold infested. So legally it cannot be considered a head gum office because the health effects that it's had on the staff, like you don't want to be liable.

Yeah. Pesto, asbestos, and fresca, al fresca, dining outdoors. They're all so unrelated. One is an issue with a house's foundation another one is a style of eating and the last one is a sauce i also liked when i thought you were asking about fresco the soda oh that's good fresco pesto and asbestos i would probably kill asbestos that seems bad yeah and i would have a basil walnut oil puree don't call it that on the day in a wedding way in a wedding way in an italian wedding dressing way what was the third option you said i don't like to say the f word don't want to say the f word but you'll flip me off Alright, 2017, 2018, 2019

I'll go first Marry 2017 Fuck 2019, kill 2018 I don't remember the difference between those These are all three Trump pre-corona years That are mushed together In one 36 month chunk of time For me

It should all be different for everybody I've only been an adult for Five years Let's go Okay, then let's change it. It should all be different for everybody. I've only been an adult for five years. Okay, so Jake and Amir, let's go 2009, 2012. Oh, you know what? No. Let's go 2012, 2014, 2017. Wait, I mean, I had an answer for the other one.

What is this new one? 2012, 2000 what? 14. Forget it. 2009, 2012, 2014. Let's just do it 2009 2012 2014 let's just what about okay how about this and these are these are three different ones okay 2009 1999 and 1989 that way it's super different which one would you fuck marry and kill are you drunk yeah Yeah. Kill 89. 86, 89. 2006, 2009.

Wait. Jeff, what do you remember about 1999? I don't have a memory from that year. My first memory was from when I was three or four. So that would have been 1999 or 19... That would have been memory from that year. My first memory was from when I was three or four, so that would have been 1999 or... that would have been 2000. Jesus Christ. I also don't have a memory from that year, but I was older

and I probably do. I just can't think of it on the spot. Which is worse, to be young or to have such a shitty memory that you can't remember shit from when you were five or six. Amir doesn't have a memory from 2019. 2017, 18, and 19 were all the same. This is too contentious.

We're getting angry at each other. Okay, hoodies, crewnecks, or cozy sweaters? Yes. Now, that's a real fucking question. Yeah, that's a good one. Good job. Good job, man. Merry cozy sweater, fuck crewneck, kill hoodie.

Really? Yeah. All right. Honestly, same. I guess merry crewneck because I think I find myself in crew necks more but I could have a really meaningful fling from time to time with a cozy

sweater and definitely kill the hoodie yeah I'm gonna go marry crew neck fuck cozy sweater kill hoodie even though I love all of them very much so Amir have you ever I don't like a button-down shirt. I like these three items.

I can't picture Amir in a cozy sweater. I used to wear in New York, like, wool sweaters when it got cold. But yeah, I haven't worn a sweater. There's like some old videos of you in like a wool Argyle sweater. That's right. God, 2009 was fine, so I would fuck that. 2006? I'm staring outside and it's snowing ash.

It's hard to be funny when I currently see the end of days happening outside my window. It's gray everywhere, like it's about to start snowing, but instead of grayish blue, it's grayish orange. And instead of snow,ish blue it's grayish orange and instead of snow it's burnt debris i think that's a good reason to to kill the la office yeah entirely yeah tomorrow's high is 192 where it's a convection i'm baking a cookie Can we just set up shop in New Zealand? Like, why don't we just fucking all move to New Zealand? Can HeadGum be a New Zealand-based company? Oh, I would love that.

Yeah, like Queenstown was very fresh. We could link up with Melanie Bracewell. Yeah. The air there is so clean and fresh. It's like constantly either like raining or it just rained and everything feels nice and clean. Here, I can't open a window or i'll die slowly so like that's not nice to have but none of y'all like traveling an interesting fact amir about the

where you live and i'll cut out any specifics this is i might even not even include this but just for the sake of the conversation don't include don't include it then no it's interesting you're gonna say like yeah you have to say where. It snowed in LA. The last time it snowed in LA, I think, I don't remember when it was the 80s or something. It was like right behind your house. Oh, really? I didn't know that. I thought it hasn't snowed in LA since the 30s.

It might've been the 30s. Threes look like eights to me. Yeah. All right. I'll cut all that out. All right. Fuck, marry, kill. Ice cold water, room temp water, boiling water. Ice cold water Room temp water

Boiling water Get rid of that boiling water How would you have soup? You can't have mac and cheese You can't have coffee I'll kill room temperature water then, Jeff There you go Merry ice cold water

Fuck boiling water Kill room temp Last dance Mary Ice Cold Water Fuck Boiling Water Kill Room Temp Last Dance TV Podcasts Movies Oh, Last Dance, you mean it's the last one It's the last Fuck, Marry, Kill and then there's two more

Kill Movies Agreed Mary Podcasts, because in a way we already have. Nice. Slow clap starts. Conversation starters, describe the perfect chair to you to have, to hold, to own. I like a lounger that can do that.

Whoa. Like the back thing, and then the feet kick up. So a lazy boy? A lazy boy, yeah. It's thick. it's big it's comfortable you can sleep in it when the world burns around you and you just fall away forever and then what was the last one your living room has like the most upright furniture i've ever seen what do you mean you have but want a lazy? You always want what you can't have.

That's what I'm talking about. That's that sax point shit. Anybody else? These are all optional from now on, I guess. I want to hear Marika's druthers. I sit in chairs really weirdly um like i never i never sit normally like at at my desk i like either sit with my legs up or like hang one dangling over the armrest or whatever so So I think something that would accommodate that sort of sitting, which I guess is also a recliner feet kick up with armrests sort of chair. I think there's nothing cooler than an Eames lounge chair.

That classic lounge chair. I have a knockoff version of that. I don't have the real one, but I have a knockoff one that I got from eBay. Yeah, that's what I've heard too. Pyle has the real one and he says it's like the most comfortable chair in history. Don't cough on the show. Oh my god. I did it off mic so that it wouldn't be a big deal.

You interrupted something. Picked up on the zoom though right disrupted the flow of conversation no just you did by the way I texted you earlier I said I have coronavirus do I have to do this show and you said trust me do it no one will mention it

you won't like alienate yourself take all the time you need if you need to cough i hesitate to even say this but try to do it off my no pressure then i did and you stopped you scolded me that's exactly what you did you scolded me for what did i also say though i said i'll make it worth your while yes oh my god you just venmoed1,100. There's more where that came from. There shouldn't be. I haven't even talked about the second...

I have another type of chair that I like. Yeah, I want to hear your chair. I had another chair. A cherry. I also like a swivel chair. Like a little accent chair with a swivel. Yeah. I mean, your office chair is absolutely insane

jake purchased a saddle chair for the office which is what does that mean it's exactly what you think it means it's just like a cowboy saddle it's shaped kind of like a saddle there's no back it's just that and it swivels and it and it rolls so it's a it's a mechanical bull it is it's like a little stool with it looks like a little it looks like a little child's like horsey play thing except there's no horse so it is like it's it's literally a saddle with a stool it has like little legs that are downturned so it guides your legs onto the stool no back um on wheels it rolls really nicely smooth roller and i will say when we were ordering chairs uh micah and i opted for the saddle chair we pitched it hard to everyone else marika said no pile said no um they came and i regret the saddle chair it's not as comfortable as another chair right there

was there was also an option there at the same website there were as there was a saddle chair that was a like tandem saddle chair so there was like a piece of wood on the floor and then two saddle chairs coming up and i wanted them to buy it so bad they thought of all the chairs it's a swivel rocking chair stool with no back and no lumbar support yeah you don't need that chair waterbed what is a non-political controversial opinion you have like a hot take i think trump is right about 60 of his policies i said non-political you should have cut him off to be honest oh i'm not even trying to be political i'm just saying his social his social stance on certain issues like what um no don't entertain climate Climate change? You just complained about it raining ash.

Avital or otherwise. It did that. It did that in the 20s. What's the 40% of things you disagree with Trump on? Give me something that you don't see eye to eye. I don't love the Yankees. And I don't love, love, love golf. But I can sort of get behind an executive nine when there's time.

So you do love golf. And did I mention I don't think beer tastes good? He doesn't drink beer. Exactly. So that sort of is my hot take non-politically and with regards to the Trump thing. I think I've said this on the show before, but I think that if your jeans are comfortable enough, which honestly you should not wear jeans if they aren't comfortable and have a little bit of stretch they're fine

to lounge in and I do it every day I know so many people who think I'm a monster for wearing jeans in the house. I literally have not worn jeans since I went into quarantine and that's my main pant otherwise. Yeah what are you gonna put jeans on to sit at home

it's counterintuitive I put jeans on from sit at home yeah i can't do it counterintuitive i put jeans on from time to time the thing the reason i can't lounge in jeans i've got the levi's 512 you have a belt on stretch no belt no belt on the day that'll make it a little you just you don't like wearing shorts you don't like wearing shorts even when it's hot out you don't like wearing shorts because you have thin calves and ankles. So that's why you wear jeans. I hate shorts because they frame my body in a way that make it like a square up top and then just these two noodles. Of course. So don't say it's because you like jeans. Although I got some umbros.

I got some umbros because I've been working on my fabs. Your what? Thin calves. You got one implant. I see it. It's behind you. You haven't fucking inserted it yet. It was extremely painful and I couldn't make it through the second implant.

So I got a right honker and a left finker. Disgusting. Disgusting. All right, let's hear Jake's unvalid opinion. And I can't wait to rail into him. You gotta come back to me. I don't know. I don't know.

I can't think of one. I'm very vanilla. I bet I can think of something for you. Oh, yeah. Give it to me. Oh, you don't like ice cream. Oh, yeah. I don't like ice cream.

You don't like ice cream? Doesn't do it for me. Do you like any kind of frozen dessert? No, I don't like dessert. If you had Marika's druthers, what dessert would it be? If I had to have dessert, I would have it much later than dinner. Like an hour before bed and I'd have like a chocolate chip cookie. Yeah, I was going to say, don't you like cookies?

I do like cookies. But like if I'm at dinner and the plates are cleared and they're like, now it's time for dessert. I'm like, I have no interest in that. I don't want that. I'll eat something sweet a couple hours after dinner. Thank you very much. And I'll find my own way. I don't want cake.

I don't want ice cream. And I don't want pie. I want nothing to do with it. All right. All right. That's enough of the third degree. I haven't said anything yet. All I said is that you don't like ice cream.

You've sort of been talking for three minutes straight, justifying the opinion. I can feel my ats blowing up. And my ass. I can feel my ats and ass blowing up. Marika, if you had your druthers, what's your controversial opinion? I feel like I have so many very minor ones that I can't really think of. And the first one I thought of is that the last two seasons of Veep are very out of character and bad. That's a good one.

I would agree though. I didn't, I did not like enjoy watching Veep the last two seasons. It was upsetting. And I, I've, I recently been rewatching it because for some reason I've decided that it's a comfort show for me in this moment which is insane it's not a very comforting show but it is in a way

for me at least I like to see my friends make bad decisions um but going from like season five which is I think when David Mandel took over to season six, like he had a little more free reign. It's just like everyone is completely different and a bad person. And it's, you know, it's a good show. Yeah. Sorry.

Continue this line of dialogue. And then I'll tell you what's a good show to watch in these times. We, you just queued yourself up in the conversation, which makes us need to kind of cut our things down. Good question. I've been watching West Wing recently. Why?

I wonder what it would be like to have a competent president. This is the perfect out. You're enjoying like, oh, these people care about things and it's fun to watch. I mean, it's ultimately depressing because you realize the bad guys in the show are now running the country. But it's nice to sort of escape into the reality of a Jed Bartlett-led America.

It's just such a fantasy. I feel like mine is more comforting because it's just also watching other things fall apart and I don't have this idyllic sense of a world in my head. I mean, everything is bad, so there's only so much you can escape. Do they call him low energy jet? No, that was a nickname that Trump came up with 15 years after the show started. All right.

This brings us to our last segment. Amir, you and I were just talking about your guys' true TV pilot like a few days ago. You were asking me about it. I wouldn't say we were talking about it. You were asking me to see it. And I said, I don't think I have it anymore. And you said we should put it online. And I said, I don't think that's a good idea. Is that what you're talking about? That conversation? I just thought because of those

concerns, yes, that's what I was talking about, that maybe we could kind of punch it up on the day in the edit room and I'd be happy to edit it for you guys. So I'm going to play a few scenes if that's cool. And then we can kind of like... How do you have it? What's that? How do you have it? Oh, I got it. It doesn't matter.

That's bad podcasting to like go through the whole process and explain to you how i found the file but i have it so just don't mind this whole thing is a bad podcasting tell me how you got the how you got the cut i just googled jake and amir on youtube and then somebody leaked it online i think so i just went to the first thing that came up jake and amir on youtube yeah i don't think that's it probably isn't the like it. I mean, the production value is pretty good. Here we go. No, that's a DraftKings

free roll. That's an ad. Okay, here it is. This is Jake and Amir's True TV pilot. And we'll just punch it. I already heard it in the first half second.

It's a Jake and Amir video. It's not the pilot. It's just an old video of ours. Q-R-S. Yeah. It's an old video. Oh, not the pilot. It's just an old video of ours. Q-R-S-E-U. You don't have to watch it now. You're worrying about bad podcasting. You watching an old video.

This is an awful, awful podcast. It's also you're essentially just like stealing a thing that they monetize somewhere else. I already have a note. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It's not. Like this reaction doesn't make sense to him. What doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It's not, um, like this reaction doesn't make sense to him.

Okay, so what do you mean? We can't reshoot it. You don't know anything about, you clearly know nothing about, I mean anything. Anything really.

You'd think this is the pilot and it's not. So like your notes are invalid. Because this is the cold open. What do you mean? You are invalid. Let's just,

two more lines of dialogue we'll punch it out. Figuring it out. Even if you get it, I'm not going to be impressed. Oh, that's funny. I clearly have a cold. What if he started at R? Do you have a note about that?

That's your note? I think that's pretty funny. You said the line was funny. Same joke. RQ. Back to work, okay? Whoa, just got my cousin Leroy's e-zine. You liked?

Did you hear me when I said go back to work? You said two more lines and now you're watching a film. He didn't listen to what Jake said. So this character Jake said something about an e-zine and then Amir was like, yeah, it's this online newsletter. No, Amir said something about the e-zine. So I just, because something about comedy is that you have to listen. You have to listen, especially in improv.

I think that these characters don't listen to each other. Obviously. It was sort of like about disrupting the status quo, sort of keeping the government on its toes and stuff like that. Fine, what's it called? Ooh, now you care, huh? Forget it, forget it. It's called Poodle Tartar, okay?

Because he's raw dogging the non-reader. Okay, so instead of Poodle Tartar because of the raw dogging joke, maybe it's like, what could the easy be called? We can wax about it for a second. Just kind of come up with something funnier. We don't have to. Now you're pitching alts on a... Yeah, Jake left.

Of course he left. You embarrassed him. You shamed him to the point where he didn't want to be here anymore. It's called the shout, and that's kind of funny because it's like, that could be an e-zine name

of a publication. Rika's gone as well. I'm usually the first to leave, so this is kind of interesting. Bad. Bad title. So stupid. He only writes it on weekends that he doesn't have to spend it with his children.

Can I give an editing note? I feel like you will regardless of what I say. This is more color correction. Your background's blown out, man. Right? You're absolutely blown out by the background because it's like a floor-to-ceiling window. It's not saying that this is your fault because obviously, well, it is a little bit because if you were the ep you should have hired

a dp who could kind of handle the lighting right yeah we did it pretty um guerrilla style so we just you did a television pilot guerrilla style maybe that's why it wasn't picked up maybe that's why it wasn't picked up that's not why it wasn't picked up. That's not why it wasn't picked up. They didn't think that enough people would watch it. It wasn't worth airing because it didn't test well with the true TV audience. They basically pulled people that loved Impractical Jokers

and yeah. The audience there thought the Jake and Amir pilot was a little immature. The Impractical Jokers audience thought that the Jake and Amir pilot was a little immature. The Impractical Jokers audience thought that the Jake and Amir pilot was immature. Yeah, in a way. I guess Impractical Jokers

skews older, and we obviously skew you younger. And so there was a disconnect there. At the end of the day, it was a business decision. And ultimately one that we disagreed with but you know people with the money make the decisions

that's sort of the way it goes in this country so we took that L we rallied the troops we sulked dranked cried laughed, picked ourselves up from our bootstraps rallied the troops. We sulked, dranked, cried, laughed, picked ourselves up from

our bootstraps, and pitched them an idea that we knew that they would love. Went right back to True TV and they fucking bought it in the room. It was a different pilot. More reality-based, yep. We gave them what they wanted.

A fucking cheaper, easier to digest, sillier, real, informative infotainment type show that would pair well with Adam ruins everything. And we delivered on that promise. And yeah,

about a few months ago we got the, uh, we got word, got word of that. It was picked up, not picked up. What happened? What was the test audience?

By the time we handed in that pilot, the mandate at the network had changed. They wanted something a little bigger, brighter, more flashier. Like the original Take It or Leave It pilot. In a way. It's tough because in yeah and this business things change and uh projects move slowly and yeah you get to a point where you just feel a little fed up like it's hard to keep track keep tabs and then um by the time we went to pitch another idea the

executives had either been fired reorganized lost in the shuffle and you sort of have to start from scratch but i'm not i'm no spring chicken so we started this whole process when i was 23 22 uh here i am 37 um have you had fun along the way have you had fun along not quite i Not quite. I don't think so. It was hard work and didn't pay off. The fun would be making the show which we didn't get to. I can cut this out

if it's a sad answer. Did you get paid at least for the pilot? For your work at the pilot? We left every dollar on the screen because we wanted to deliver the best product. Editors were paid paid overtime out of my fee

to make sure that we got the best chance at a pickup order. Fool me twice, shame on True, I guess, right? Nice. Yeah. So if you're listening

to this anybody if you have a higher up at Turner we have to wrap up actually we have to wrap up thank you guys so much

for listening to this week's episode of the Headcumbe Podcast thank you so much for listening sorry let me finish let me do the outro because I'm the host

maybe this is why True TV didn't pick up the shows I was a bummer in the room yeah I was I was kind of

yeah I was like kind of scared on the day so like when they were making the decision they yeah they realized they didn't want to do work you have to end up working with this person and why would you ever want to like sign up to deal with me for five seasons in a movie so they came in with their like finished their answer in an envelope and then they were like about to present it to you you were a little bit of a dickling in the room and then they were like you know what and then they kind of tossed the letter

which probably said yes and they were like we are not picking up the show yeah there was a letter and they did toss it right before making their verbal decision

which was no and one of the guys said yes and the other guy said no and then they sort of shot glances at each other and the guy's like I guess no

I guess no so I guess no we'll see you guys again next week thanks so much for listening to the show. Be sure to listen to Review Review, Lackluster Video, Newcomers Season 2, If I Were You, Buckets, Nadpod, etc., etc. Hell yeah.

Podcasts. What's that? Do you want to say it? Do you want to say it? Just say it. Just say goodbye. We'll see you next week or something. True can't cancel my podcast because I own it.

So the joke's on them i didn't want to bring it up in the middle of the show but i did get cc'd on an email it's what it was about what it says let me just pull it up it says you're canceled fucker so the the subject line and it doesn't make a lot of sense they must have sent it like in a fit of anger and probably right rightfully so, but it says, if I were you, for true TV is not in consideration. And then in the body of the email, it says, you're canceled, fucker.

And I just checked, yeah, I'm on R19. If I were you is gone. The backlog is deleted. Damn, Daniel.