Segments - English Premier League Podcast (w/Rahul Kohli!)

Episode Date: January 11, 2019

The pilot episode of our newest series about EPL Football! Our first guest is actor and Liverpool fanatic Rahul Kohli--He is in the studio answering our questions about British Football and his favorite team. Episode 2 is online as well over at Patreon.com/JA. Enjoy!The hunt to find our new favorite team... is on.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary For a limited time only Alright, kind of a new episode today This is not just an If I Were You This is big

This is the beginning of a new podcast miniseries Potentially called a subcast It might be a maxiseries We don't know how into this we're gonna get Yeah, this might be This might be the main cast It'll be a new show that'll run parallel alongside If I Were You. Right.

This first episode is going to be released right here, just on our natural If I Were You feed. Main feed. And then after that, we're going to head to patreon.com slash JA, and the rest of the episodes will be there. The show is, of course, me and you diving headfirst into the magical world of English Premier League. Football. Football. Not soccer.

Not soccer. You will never hear us call it soccer on that fucking podcast. Actually, we accidentally call it soccer a lot. All the time. It's hard.

We've been brainwashed. 30 plus years of living in America will do that to you. We are sorry in advance. But we're trying. We're trying to learn. We're talking to our friends. We're talking to other fans. We want to become

English Premier League fans. We love football from the World Cup, and we want to try to dive headfirst into club soccer, and this is our attempt to do so. Yeah. I've talked about this on the show before, how we wanted to get into football. We do. And

I really, like, I had never heard from so many people. So many folks slid into my DMs. Yeah. And I want you all to know that I heard you and that I read the messages and that I told Amir that we should definitely do it, and here we are. So thank you for your passion. So our first guest on this pilot show is Rahul Kohli,

super funny, huge Liverpool fan. He's going to be answering a bunch of questions we have about the EPL and about his favorite team. And he's going to try to sell us on Liverpool. That's right. But it doesn't stop there. We're going to be talking to as many people as possible, trying to get as many opinions as possible as to who we should root for. For instance, if you finish this episode with Raul and you like it enough to check out the second episode, which we did with Chris Smith, that's in our Patreon feed right now. So there are two of these podcasts out now. That's right. So first

episode here and first and second episode on patreon.com slash JA he's more of a chelsea fan i don't know everyone makes a good point we want you guys to chime in as well let us know who you think we should root for leave a comment leave a comment tweet at us slide into our dms we are for sale right now that's right and if you are interested in this podcast and that makes you go to our patreon then good news you get all of the other shit that's already on the Patreon. Yeah, we're not creating a new tier just for this show. Yeah. We want very egalitarian. For the $4.99, you're getting the bonus if I were you.

You're getting the Jake and Amir watch videos, including the back catalog that you might have missed out on. And then starting today, new episodes of this show. So check it out. Let us know what you think. Slide into every DM possible. Leave a comment in the Patreon. And we hope you enjoy this soccer podcast. Let's get started. Later. All right. Welcome to this currently unnamed podcast idea right now.

Yeah. We started very haphazardly. Yeah. This was an idea that we sort of wanted to get serious about 90 minutes ago. Yep. Tweeted about football slash soccer, said, does anybody here know any fans and comedy of football? A lady whose name I should probably pull up right now suggested Rahul.

I'm like, yes, he is a fan of football slash soccer. Texted you. I thought you were going to say he is funny. Yeah. But you just went for the... Oh, that guy knows what soccer is? Anybody can be funny, but you're funny and a football slash...

I feel... We should just decide right now, soccer or football. I feel pretentious saying football. You're not saying soccer while I'm sitting. I won't call it football. It feels wrong, doesn't it? I don't know. I think I actually...

I like football. Okay. This is good. I get to forget the name of a whole entire sport. Is that because it's easier for you to, like with football, being the fact that we sort of kick it for 90 minutes? Yeah. Oh, that's cool.

Kick it for 90. Kick it could be the, all right, we're going to talk about names of the show, but kick it's a great one. We'll pitch this stuff later. But the lady is Kathleen. Kathleen Awesome is the one who suggested Rahul. Two hours later, we're talking to you about football. She ruined my brunch plans.

The idea was Jake and I are sports fans in general. We love soccer, World Cup soccer. Football. Fuck. We're already off to a bad foot. People are unsubscribing from this podcast.

So we're like, Let's document this journey Where we decide which EPL Did you say EPL? I abbreviated the English Premier League The English Premier League Which squad, club, team Club

Let's go soccer, let's go squad Let's go goals This episode is called squad goals Club? Club? Which club? Let's go soccer. Let's go squad. Let's go your favorite soccer squad. All right, this episode's called Squad Goals. Okay, which Premier League team club squad we end up rooting for? Our fandom is for sale right now. Okay. We want to become fans.

Do you want me to pitch my club? Pitch, which is another pun because that's the name of the soccer field, a.k.a. the football pitch. That's right, yeah. Is that real? Wow. So we're learning a little bit and then in in so doing we learn about the epl in general okay so why don't we start with our general questions because you know we see it from afar and i know some things

but you can clarify others true or false there is no playoffs uh no not really so the the end of the regular season, whoever's the number one team just wins. Yeah, it's just points-based. Yeah, points. So you, in the EPL, you have 20 teams, and they will play each other twice. Okay, so 40 matches total. Yeah, so every club will play 38 games. Right. One's home and one's away.

That's so simple. Right? That's great. So a win gets you three points. Uh-huh. A draw gets you one point. Okay. And a loss leaves you with no points.

Penalty kicks? That's something completely different. Overtime? Again, more different stuff there. So regulation, 90 minutes, it's over. If it's a tie, it's a draw. There will always be added time. So added time so added time

is for so it's for stoppages so if you had if you had an injury or substitutions are taking too long yeah they had that in the world cup yeah they will add on it's usually averages probably about two to three minutes probably about three minutes but there's no 15 minute overtime no because there's no not not for the league that will always just be regulation 90 minutes plus added time okay and that's it so as you can end in a draw the only reason you would ever have extra time and penalties is when you can only have a winner out of that game whereas you're allowed to draw in the in the in the premier league right if it's like a tournament where you need a winner you go to penalty exactly kicks. Exactly. But this regular season, this EPL, that doesn't even have a playoffs.

It's just 3.1 point total points at the end of the season. Whoever has the most wins. Yeah. So there'll be a time where like there's three games left in the season, but this team is so far ahead for now. Three weeks people are playing meaningless football games. Pretty much. Yeah.

So you can win. Some teams have won almost like, I think, don't quote me on that, like 10 weeks early. I mean, you can mathematically do it. Wow. So if you're like 30 and 1. That doesn't sound very American. Yeah. Well, if you, yeah, I mean, if you, yeah, they will actually do that.

Like there'll be a game. Usually one of the big boys will just steamroll through the season and they'll be like, all right, well, they've mathematically won now. But we also have relegations. Right. So that's what I want to ask you about too. Tell me about relegations. So every year, three teams will be relegated to the lower division.

The bottom three teams? Yeah. It's like the minor leagues. Uh, yeah, sort of, I guess. Are there 40 teams down there too?

Not 40. There's, oh shit. Okay. Now I'm being on this. Well, nobody gives a fuck about the minors. Until your team is there. So you got, so yeah, so you got the premier There's, oh shit, okay, now I've been on this. Well, nobody gives a fuck about the minors

until your team is there. So you've got the Premier League and then you've got the Championship and that's its own, and there's more than 20 teams I believe in the Championship and then you've got

Division 1, 2, 1, 2. It just keeps going as you go down but the Premier League is the top spot.

So do the bottom three teams get promoted? Oh, the top three teams in the lower league get promoted. And they go up and three go down. And what about the bottom three teams in that league? Do they get lower? Yeah. So you can go all the way down to the dark black pit of the world.

Absolutely. The last three teams just play bowling. They don't play soccer. It's rare. You're so bad you can't play football. You don't get to play this sport anymore. You become a mailman now cardiff city uh has your favorite team ever been relegated like what is that like for a season

not in my lifetime okay that's such an exciting boys like top five all like tell me who are the big boys so right now i'd you'd say it's probably the top six. So Manchester City, Liverpool, Tottenham, Chelsea, Arsenal, and Manchester United. Those are the ones he's heard of. Those sound familiar. I feel like right off the bat, we're going to choose one of the big boys. We're not going to choose. You are, yeah. Huddersford?

Huddersfield? Some of these names are absurd. I've never heard of. There's a city named Crystal Palace. There's a team named that.. There's a team named that. Crystal Palace is a team in London. That's actually a really cool name. They're my favorite.

Casino or something? Well, you know, you've got Arsenal, right? Yeah. Well, they're London. So London just has like six teams? Yeah. They've got a few, yeah. They've got Watford, Arsenal.

Okay, here we go. West Ham, Arsenal, Arsenal Chelsea Tottenham Palace Fulham there's a few so let me ask you this do they have mascots like in basketball

or football it's like the Eagles the Bears so does anyone call Arsenal it's like oh I don't say that I say they're the what are they well they have

everyone has like a like a nickname so the Arsenal fans would be called the Gunners or the team would be they would be called the Gunners. Or the team would be called the Gunners because they're... I'm going to get so...

My own people are going to be very upset with my lack of knowledge here. But Arsenal's badge has a cannon on it, a gun. Got it. Which wouldn't fly in America. The bullets had to change their name to the Wizards. Like, Gunners, forget about it. That wouldn't fly in America.

That's right. We have the Redskins. Yeah. Redskins. Sorry, that's a slur. The Bullets isn't racist enough for us. What do you have in an ethnic slur about Indians? But, yeah, so everyone has this, like, nickname type thing.

Yeah. Liverpool fans. Well, actually,pool fans well actually we get like you have you're wearing a liverpool sweatshirt right now i am yeah that looks like a dragon or a griffin a phoenix of sorts it's a bird it's a liver bird liver bird liver bird which is the national it's this uh liverpool city symbol got it what kind of bird is a liver bird is it a bird of prey i have no idea. Is it fictional? You guys are making me look really fucking bad right now.

It's just going to be hard to get me to root for a team that has a bird. You got birds in it? Falcons. Yeah, falcons, eagles. Eagles. Yeah, hawks. Those are birds of prey. Hawks.

Yeah, the hawks. Is that, there is no, I mean, you got like a rooster or a cock or something? The San Diego chickens. There is South Carolina Gamecocks, right? Yeah, the Gamecocks. Here's another question for you. Players not getting traded but getting purchased. What's that about?

Okay, so yeah, it's an open market basically. Okay, so in basketball, a player has a contract. Yeah. Steph Curry, five-year deal, $180 million. So if you want him, you got to trade for him or he becomes a free agent at the end of that five years and you pay him his money. How does it work in the EPL? So you guys, so trading, so how does the trade work? Just real quick.

Let's say the Warriors wanted to trade Steph Curry. They try to get players of equal value back for him. Okay. And they have to like, the money that he makes has to match up but they never actually they're not paying out any money to buy him correct that doesn't exist what is that the buying of the player so what would happen is is say um say you were you know the head of liverpool whatever right and you wanted messy lyle messy lionel messy what team Lyle Messi. Lionel Messi. I've never said Lyle Messi. I've been told I look like him, so there's that much.

You are Lyle Messi. Yeah, there's a little bit of Messi, yeah, for sure. Should get his lead. What team does he play for? He plays for FC Barcelona. Not even this league? He's not, no, he's in La Liga. Could you buy it? Yeah, could you buy it in front of La Liga?

Buy it from anywhere in the world. Okay, so what is that? Okay, let's say Liverpool wants him. What do they do? So what we have to do is that's like the nhl buying steph curry like all right you don't change team but you also change you're going to be in a different league it's like buying a european player drafting them you've got two windows of opportunity there are two transfer windows in a in a given season okay so it's before the season starts. You've got, I think they reduced it this year in the Premier League,

but you usually have between July and then the end of August, I believe is when the transfer window shuts. Okay. So that's when you can do your business. And then it reopens for one month in, at the beginning of Jan and then it ends 31st of Jan. So right now, currently the transfer window is open.

So say Liverpool wanted to buy Lionel Messi. What they would do is, it's to do with his contract too. So he would have signed, he's probably, I think he signed a new deal. So he's going to pledge his entire career there. So they will set, he may have a buyout clause in his contract. So they might say that his buyout clause right now is 500 million euros. So who gets that half a billion euros is the club the club you've got to buy his contract out so that's a buyout clause and then you have to pay the player then the wages

are a completely different thing so just trying to get just to buy him um one that the club can decline at any time particularly if the player's in contract so they can can buy him, and then Lionel Messi could just be like, well, you're going to have to pay me a lot of money because I don't want to play. Yeah, you would have to negotiate. So you could buy a player and then also not get them to play for you? Well, I mean...

Or is that all good? You wouldn't buy it. A player can be sent against their will. Got it. Because once you buy him, you buy him, right? So let's say Liverpool does. Okay, half a billion, that's worth. Okay, so what we've done there is,

all we've done is we've triggered his buyout clause okay i'm just assuming that that's what he has in his contract because he may have had has a contract where there is no buyout clause there is no set amount to how you can trigger negotiations got it it could be completely open-ended wow so we may have to we could go hey 500 million for messy and then go now fuck off wow six seven eight it can just keep going at that what's the highest buyout that's ever So we may have to, we could go, hey, 500 million for Messi. And then go, nah, fuck off. Wow. So you go six, seven, eight. It can just keep going at that point. What's the highest buyout that's ever happened? I have no idea.

But I know that I think Neymar went for the most money so far. I think he's the highest. Yeah. What was he? Is he in the EPL? No, he's currently in the French League. So who's the best player in the EPL? In the EPL?

Yeah. Right now? Yep. That's biased, though, now, you're going to get. Right, yeah. Because it's the guy at Liverpool. I'd say there's a couple at City. There's Silva, Kevin De Bruyne.

Oh, yeah, I know him from Belgium, right? Yeah, from Belgium. Yeah, World Cup. He's good. We currently probably have the best center back defender in the world. Mo? No, Virgil van Dijk. Why do I not know that guy?

Where is he from? Did he play in the World Cup? He's from Holland. He did. I sure hope so. Oh, they did not. They weren't. That was a big deal.

Yeah, you wouldn't have seen him. I don't think they were. Wait, just to go back a second. I pay him half a billion dollars. That's the buyout. That means that his contract is void and now I have to negotiate with Messi? Now you have to negotiate.

Yeah, so that's the set fee that the club said. If you want to talk, that's how much you have to pay. So you've kind of already just paid that. So now you's now you talk to messi and then you have a billion to get him in the room this is like the difference between you and i like you care about the money and the contracts yeah i'm curious talk about the players i don't know about i want to know who the hottest goalie is oh alison becker google him alison becker 100 i want i want you to google him he's and i'm okay he plays for liverpool and he may pass a resemblance to someone i don't know maybe alison becker isn't that also the name

of a comedian it is alison becker oh yeah this guy's got oh look at his hair alison becker he's got that kind of he's got that like dark hair dark be, kind of six foot four. Oh, yeah. I see why you're so taken with him. He looks white, I should say. He's from Brazil. Can I just ask you about the players that I know from the World Cup and ask where they play? What about Harry Kane? Harry Kane plays for Tottenham.

Tottenham? Tottenham, Hotspurs. Are they good? London club. Yeah, pretty good. They haven't won much. What about Mbappe? Kylian Mbappe plays for Paris Saint-Germain.

Different league. Different league. Ligue 1, French league. But then these teams sometimes play each other, right? No, that's the Champions League. Oh my God. This is a fucking mess. We've got to find a way to make this concise.

The EPL, we know that the top... EPL is easy, 20. You're looking for a Premier League team, right? Yes. But the team with the best record wins the EPL, you know, the top, the tip. EPL is easy, 20. You're looking for a Premier League team, right? Yes. But the team with the best record wins the EPL. Is that like a big, I mean, that must be a big deal. It's huge. Is it like winning the Super Bowl?

I mean, but only people in England would really care. So here's the weird thing. Champions League. This is why it's very un-American. Because America created the Super Bowl. They can sell commercials. They can make a big deal out of it. They own it.

They can monetize it. With the EPL, you don't know when the Super Bowl is going to happen. It could be a random Thursday at 4.30 a.m. The team clinches the best record. And they're celebrating like they won the championship. And you don't know if that's going to be on March 3rd or April 15th. Okay, yeah, that's a fair point i mean there is the the day the club lifts the trophy for instance or wins wins the league yeah it is random it can happen on the final day do they get the trophy that day

you're like it depends it's mathematically impossible for anybody but you to win here's the trophy i think what they'll do is they'll either they could win say they win but their win is dependent on someone else's loss that was playing at the same time yeah they could lose and then somebody else loses and then they get

they lost but they win the world the championship that day they could in theory yeah are they celebrating as though they won

you could you could draw I guess and then start celebrating. And then we haven't even got to goal difference yet. Oh, my God. I'm just comparing this to American football, where your team could basically be at 500,

like five and five, but you're not mathematically, you could still win the Super Bowl. You just got to get lucky at the right time your team could kind of suck and go all the way into the playoffs no yeah no that's not going to happen with the premier league so you need to be super consistent and as a fan are you invested in every single game like what if if i chose yeah right now i am really the margins are so thin right now so what if your team is just consistently like 15 and 15 or whatever the...

You're not even close. Yeah. Like, do you watch the final weeks? Do you care? I mean, it depends. If you're a mid-table team, I mean, the support and the passion will always drive you through. And the feeling of a win is always good anyway, right? Right.

Regardless of whether you're competing or not. But there's not just so fucking hell okay are you ready for this so top place you win the trophy right you win the you win the premier league yep but if you finish in the top four so two three and four you're right now it's liverpool man city tottenham and chelsea that's right so right now those four have a spot in next year's Champions League tournament. Which is like the best of the best. Best of the best. So four best in Italy, four best of this, four best of that. I think the amount changes depending on the league.

Not everyone gets four complete entries. Wait, so that Champions League is with the French, huh? Yes. You'll get Ligue 1, you get La Liga. FC Barcelona versus Man City and the United States are they in there they are not the LA Galaxy doesn't play it's pure it's only it's a UEFA so it's only the European teams so the Seattle Sounders are not going to be playing boner mouth when does that start so that plays that plays at the exact same time as the leagues are going on.

So you're going to play midweek. So if you're good, you're actually getting hammered because we will play a game where we might play City, Manchester City, who are one of the best teams in the world. We might have them on Saturday. And then on Tuesday or Wednesday, we may play Barcelona. So they're going out at the same time. No, I veto that.

But one's for the Premier League and then one's for the Champions League. All right, so for the Champions League, how do you win the Champions League? That's absurd. Is that the same? No, so the Champions League is different. So there's a pot and they mix up the teams, right? So you're in these tiny little leagues made up of four teams. And the top two from each of those mini leagues will go into a knockout tournament. So it becomes, you'll get to the final 16.

So that one's like a little World Cup action. It's exactly like it. And that happens every year? Every year. So what's considered better? Would you rather Liverpool be the number one English Premier League team or would you rather them win the Champions? Okay, so the Champions League, we are currently,

we've won the Champions League or the European Cup because it's changed names over time. But Liverpool currently have won it the most times of any team in the English Premier League. We have it for five. And we made it to the finals last year where we lost to Real Madrid.

Mo Salah is our best player. Sergio Ramos dislocated his shoulder and took him off the pitch in 30 minutes. Sounds like you're over it anyway. So what's a bigger deal? Winning the Champions League? I think it depends on the team. Because Liverpool, the problem with Liverpool is I'm going to pitch you my team because i want you to be liverpool fans that's right liverpool is they haven't actually won the league

in 28 or 29 years wow so it's a bogey wow all right so even though they've they have the best record in the champions league for yeah but they did most of their good work in the 70s and 80s. So Liverpool were the juggernauts of football before I was born. Won everything. And by the way, so another thing, it never used to be the Premier League. Premier League only started in the 90s. What the hell? It was just the first division.

It was just called League One, I guess. How many teams were in there? I have no idea. I assume it's similar to what we have. It just became its own thing. Interesting. So Liverpool haven't won since it turned into the Premier League. So people hold that over us.

But if you take what that cup is and what it represented for all the years we've won it 18 times when it was a different league yeah that's kind of like football there was like before the afl or the nfc and the afc created the nfl there was like a oh then it had it before yeah so your record still counts to a certain degree so they still they still were the the you know the winners of the top league in england it just wasn't i do i like a team with a chip on their shoulder that's kind of nice we absolutely have a chip on our shoulder all right because man united who are city rivals now they're the deep hatred between liverpool and manchester deep hatred like fights riots that kind of thing why why is that i think it's to do with i don't know i i i obviously i'm

from london which is uh which upsets people that i support a team that's not from my city but it's to do with i think it's to do with the docks and employment there's a whole load of things going on with that um but they also became rivals because liverpool were on top and so there's this big city you know rivalry between Manchester and Liverpool and then when Liverpool stopped winning Manchester United had Sir Alex Ferguson probably the greatest football manager ever and he won it Sir Alex that's like Bill Belichick it sounds so much cooler if you mean he got just like Bilicek wait how many times did they win they are up to so if we're 18

they're 20 20 on top of the EPL and a lot of them are premier leagues so Manchester United I think is the Yankees do they spend

the most money too they haven't in recent years I think there's been an influx of there's been so Manchester City

different team same city they had Arab owners come in yeah and just throw in There's been an influx of, there's been, so Manchester City, different team, same city. Yeah. They had Arab owners come in. Yeah. And just throw in like a billion or something. That oil money. Now they're just like, they just buy who they want.

Chelsea had it way back when with Abramovich. He was a Russian oil guy. Hologuard. He came in. You need the billionaires. You do. You need that investment. So let me ask you this.

Oh, sorry. You're going to go? Yeah. I'm very, I'm enthralled. I'm trying so hard to make this interesting. We're just throwing questions at you. I've got some geography questions for you. Mine are the exact opposite.

Where is Liverpool? I truly, like, I have no idea where anything is. So when you say they're city rivals, are Liverpool and Manchester in the same part of the country? Well, firstly, England's small, right? Yeah. So London being south. Where's Huddlesfield? Where is boner mouth?

I'm serious. You're actually going to have to Google some of this stuff because even I don't know where Huddlesfield is. Got it. I'm not great on geography, but you know where London is, right, on a map? Yes. Okay. And you know where Wales ison is right on a map yes okay so and you know where wales is no no okay so so london is what south uh southeast right around there right and then

wales is there which is the furthest side the opposite side yeah it's his opposite side for way out west liverpool is like northwest so it's above wales i think and it's about a three to four hour drive from london so it's actually not if you think and it's about a three to four hour drive from london so it's actually not if you think about it it's the same drive to vegas except have you heard the accent change no let's let's hear it i can't do it you'd have to type in liverpool accent it's the beatles it's the beatles but even theirs isn't as strong as what like a player like our legend stephen gerrard's is you probably wouldn't understand him really so that's a four hour drive and if you go just an hour have you watched peaky blinders no i've seen the pilot episode so you heard that accent right yeah i guess i did let's hear that

one again can't do it okay but that's only an hour and a half drive from london and the accent completely changes so an hour and a half are you are you like i mean you're uh a liverpool fan even though you're born in london but for the most part are people born into their fandom yeah they usually born in huddersfield are you yeah more than likely most most the problem the reason i think like people like uh clubs like manchester united and liverpool tend to have supporters all around uk it's just because there's a lot to do with immigration as well. A lot of immigrants when they move don't really have an attachment to their city. So I know a lot of Indian people when they immigrated to the UK,

Liverpool are on top. So they just like, you just like that team. Yeah. It's kind of like everybody. The UK is almost your, that's like your new home. The whole entire.

Yeah. And I mean, you don't, you know, you don't fucking know. You just, who's winning like civic pride quite exactly so it's like everybody was a bulls fan in the 90s because michael jordan i am a bulls fan there we go uh okay salary cap question yeah is there a hard cap or can you spend as much money as you want i think you can spend as much there is a rule now there is a fair fair play rules fair fair spending rule which is

it's uh you can't spend above your step it's not really enforced kind of yeah you have to like you can't just overspend but it's just fiscal responsibility just a general rule yeah what's your income what's your ingoings outgoings don't get yourself but it doesn't really i don't think it's monitored all right Sexy soccer player question. Yes, I can do that now. Who's the most jacked player? Jacked? Yeah.

I know who's got the best legs. Oh. You want to see the best calves? Yeah. Who's got the best calves? Shaqiri. Oh, I know Shaqiri. S-H-A-K-I-R.

Oh, this is the short dude. Yeah. Look at his calves. He's so short. What team is he on? Is he French? Liverpool. Oh, Liverpool.

No, but... Oh, he's Swiss. Oh, Swiss. I think he's Swiss. Yeah. Calves. So he's got the best calves. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, God. Jesus Christ. His calves look like arms. Oh, my God. They're ridiculous. So what can you do with that on a soccer field? I think you'd sprint.

I feel like you could do short bursts of just power. Look at his thick legs. So thick. That looks like my torso. Jesus Christ, it's so bulbous. It's ridiculous. And you think it's because he's short? I asked the fucking good questions on this podcast.

I think he works on them. I don't know if that's just the way he is. You've got to do something to get that. How do you work out your... Calf raises forever until you die. Yeah, he's just constantly doing calf raises. And then on the other side is this tall skinny. A lot of dudes get implants though, right?

Because you can't... That's really hard to work out. I know a lot of jacked personal trainers who are really upset by their calves. Yeah, that one is like natural more than anything else like you either have thicker legs or skinnier legs and you can't yeah like my or someone's one's penis could be who's got the biggest dick in the epl that's a great question yeah does anybody's it's come out yeah it's come out uh whose dick come out

someone's dick famously flopped out manchester united gary paul skulls type in paul skulls penis how do you how do you type that last day and then uh s c o h l e s i think skulls on paul's penis is not a bad name for this i think yeah uh football players photographed with their penis out or erect i didn't ask for it to be erect oh under their shorts. Yeah, there's a whole message board about it. There's a dark web I think it was Paul Scholes. Yeah. I think his penis came out. That awkward moment when your dick

is the tweet. And then, there's no photo attached. There should be. I'll dig around. Just Google images. Yeah, images, dude. Turn off the safe search. But you had to turn it off for Shaqiri's calves They're that dangerously hot

Okay, let's now get to you selling us on Liverpool Or perhaps throwing some other squads under the bus I'm not going to throw another squad at you No, no, under the bus Like, do not choose So if you had to choose one team Let's have a fun little segment So let's say, even if we don't choose Liverpool Just tell us one team that you would really, really hate for us to choose one to let's say even if we don't choose liverpool just tell

us one team that you would really really hate for us to choose united manchester united and what's can't do it what's tell me because you're talking to a yankee and a laker fan so like anything's in play for us yankee and a lakers fan yeah what do you guys think of the boston red socks i hate the red socks oh this isn't good. Fenway Sports Group. Bad. Boston bad for both of us. They own Liverpool. Ooh. Whoa.

Tough start. Yeah. That's kind of interesting. There's like an American connection there. Don't Fenway own LeBron James or manage him or something? Not that I know of, but maybe there's some sort of- Sure, there's a connection between Fenway and- Because LeBron is a major shareholder in Liverpool.

Oh, okay. Now I'm back in. I'm playing dirty. Now I'm back in. So if you type in LeBron Liverpool, there's pictures of him wearing the shirt. He tweets about it. He Instagrams about it.

Yeah, there is some connection. He owns a piece of the team? Yeah, he's a major shareholder. I think he's a major shareholder. LeBron Liverpool connection. That's a good selling point his investment in liverpool we also are sponsored by dunkin donuts come on oh that is okay so which which manchester united is the don't that would be my bogey team yeah that would

be my don't team but you know what united as much as i i've got a bigger problem with manchester city let's hear that why because they're like they're like a team in madden or fifa and someone's turned on some sort of fucking cheat code for unlimited spending oh so they just that's the yankees that's what that's what they say there's no salary cap in baseball they're like all right if there's a pretty good player we'll give them 300 million dollars yeah so what what's happening is is that they are why why you should watch this year and why i think liverpool are a great example is because we have spent money i mean we went out and and spent like what was it 75 million on virgil van dyke which was the most money ever spent for a uh defender for one year? No, no, no, no, no.

We signed him for like a five-year deal. Five or 75? But that was just, that's not his wage. That's just what we paid the club to get him. That's this buyout thing. Yeah, oh yeah. That was either his transfer fee or we triggered his buyout clause.

I think that was just his transfer fee. So 75 mil. That's what they said. So they would come back to us and say, he's not leaving this club for less than this. And then Liverpool said sure let's do it and then you have to pay him how much then you have to pay him his weekly wage weekly i have no yeah and you don't know what the week so the number that everyone talks about in van dyke v-a-n space d-y-k-e type in wage and i think he's probably at maybe he's less than And they get a weekly salary? Yeah.

It's funny because everyone talks about the big figure, the buyout figure, but they don't really know about the contract amount. And in American sports, it's like the opposite. Everyone knows about the contract amount. But you don't know what, oh, I see. There's no buyout number. Because you want to know how rich your favorite player is. Yes, exactly. So 75 million pound figure makes Van Dyke the most expensive defender of all time. Liverpool has additionally handed Van Dyke a handsome 180,000 pound or 250 per week salary yeah quarter million a week yeah that's cool yeah and then

also you probably would have you would have also had to have paid him a signing fee in addition yeah it's 250k a week is that through the season or like the whole year that will just be yeah that's his wage that's it it. That's just his. Does he get a wage playing in the championship league too? I believe it's. It's interesting. I feel like it's all inclusive. Yeah, your money doesn't go up.

Like you. All right. So you're playing one game a week. They'll get bonuses. I'm sure they get bonuses. I'm sure he'll get a bonus. And he'll be on a. I'd hate for him to struggle for anything.

Sure. That's really sweet of you, man. Yeah, I want him to make sure that he's getting paid in the off season but yeah so there's bonuses as well like if he keeps a clean sheet which is you know we don't concede a goal throughout the game

I'm sure he gets a bonus maybe 10 grand that's a clean sheet do you have a favourite player? currently? probably Virgil van Dijk so since he's come in, so Liverpool, the problem with Liverpool is, firstly,

we have probably the best manager, most charismatic guy you'll ever meet. That's cool. What's his name? His name's Jurgen Klopp. Germany? Germany, yep. He's from the Bundesliga

and he came in three years ago because Liverpool have been struggling and what he's done to that squad without doing the Man City way of spending half a billion or whatever. Um, he's just got them playing probably the most interesting attacking football right now. So I'm getting Greg Popovich vibes from him.

If you know who that is, he's the Spurs basketball coach. They don't have the best team, but like they never miss the playoffs because pop is like the king he's like the most uh intelligent strategy guy who gets the most out of his players without necessarily we've got a few i think like we're not they're not he's up there with like i'd say right now he's probably in the top three in the uh managers in the epl so pep guadiola who's manchester city's manager uh pochettino who's tottenham's manager and clop who's our manager they're probably the three best but ours has the

most personality and that's cool people just love him what is uh what are liverpool's colors we're red red just straight up straight red just red yeah every i feel like every other sport in the world is two colors right well the red socks are just red they're red and blue we so arsenal are red and white okay arsenal's red and white red and white manchester united are red and black okay all red black and white the red and black straight up little straight red always so the shorts and the shirt will have a song we do have a song we have a very famous song let's hear it it's uh it's you'll never walk alone by jerry and the pacemakers sorry you just took another real famous song and made it your song or they wrote it for liverpool

we took a famous song yeah it was i believe it was the what the most famous liverpool manager ever who took them from uh nothing team to like a top, top, top side way back when. Bill Shankly, he's the most revered manager of our club's history. I guess he's like the Vince Lombardi of the Packers. Got it. Is that right? Yeah, the most famous coach of all time, Bill. His favorite song was You'll Never Walk Alone, and that became the team's anthem.

What about like a chant or a cheer? Yeah, there's a few. We got one from Mo Salah. What is that? Like when he scores or when he gets introduced? Just during the game. Just like it breaks out? Yeah, and it will always be to a pop culture song.

So Mo Salah's one is the same theme as that song. Oh, sit down. Oh, sit down. Oh, sit down. Sit down next to me that song sure you heard it sit down next to me so the mo salah song is mo salah mo salah mo salah running down the wing egyptian king so that's mo salah who comes up with the songs the wing Salah Egyptian King so that's

Mo Salah's song who comes up with the songs I think he's like I feel like he comes up in a he's just like

these guys are fucking idiots Salah hasn't said one true thing since he got here a weekly wage I think it's

I saw it on I joined like the Liverpool official club like official reddit or whatever and there someone submits lyrics and says to this anthem and I don't know I saw it on, I joined like the Liverpool official club, like official Reddit or whatever.

And there someone submits lyrics and says to this anthem. And I don't know. I still don't know. How does it become the real? Oh, bloody Mo Salah goes on ball. They just, they just,

it just happens. And then you hear it. Like it feels like, I don't know. I actually would love to know. Cause there's this synchronicity where it's agreed upon by the fans and then it's just done in unison at one point and everyone's like, oh shit. So like Steven Gerrard had one, which is a great one. He's my favorite player of all time.

And his was, and you'll just hear this, it'll go, Steve Gerrard, Gerrard, he'll pass the ball 40 yards. He's big and he's fucking hard. Steve Gerrard, Gerrard.'ll pass the ball 40 yards, he's big and he's fucking hard. Steve Gerard, Gerard, and they'll just repeat that. So little kids and girls are singing fucking hard. He's fucking hard. It's like this weird Al element of his. Yeah, and we were so close, this breaks my heart.

I should note, because people will comment about that, I didn't mention this. So we were very, very, very close to winning the Premier League in 2014. It's happening again right now. We could win. But in 2014, we were going to win. And Steven Gerrard, who is our best player,

who lifted the Champions League for us, we beat Man City. And during that game, we were so close. We were points away, right? We just had to just keep going. Just keep winning. Three games left, and we were so close we were points away right we just had to just keep it keep going just keep winning three games left right and we were a top and he grabbed the group together after we we snatched a win and he screamed at the players and he said this does not fucking slip and it's a famous soundbite from him in a huddle and this really upsets me you're crying the next game

we're playing chelsea i think it. The next game, we're playing Chelsea. I think it was the next game. And the defender passes it to Steven Gerrard. And we have to win this game or at least draw. We have to keep going. And as he passes it to Steven Gerrard, he slips on the floor. And Denver Barr picks the ball up, the opposition player, and goes and scores. And we lose.

So he literally slipped. He literally slipped. So now they sing, steve gerard gerard he slipped on his fucking ass and they change the lyrics wow wherever we go they'll keep chanting that at any time i tweet about liverpool someone tweets me a gif of him slipping you could type it in and say gerard slip it's bad and it breaks my heart it's my favorite player of all time is he he still playing? No. He's a manager now. He never got to lift the one trophy that he so badly wanted. I can't watch it.

I don't even turn that around. By the way, Demba Ba would also be good for Que Sera Sera. That's true. And so would Mo Salah. The best song ever in football are their brothers. One is, his name is Yaya Torre and the other brother is colo tore and they have the best chant ever in football let's hear it it's just yaya yaya yaya yaya yaya yaya tore colo colo because they used to be on the same team as well and that's it and it just goes over and over and over again is that a british thing specifically the song or do other countries do like other

countries do it so like italy like ancient ones too right they have been around that long yeah there are there i mean you'll never walk alone it's been all right they'll sing that right so that plays every time we we enter the the we go on the pitch um and then also the club the fans will sing it at various points every club has a song even boner mouth bournemouth i've been waiting to wondering what the fuck is boner mouth i'm like yeah bournemouth right over here number 12 boner mouth bournemouth um that took me way too long to go what the fuck's he talking about um most clubs have a song or a uh manchester united's one i think the most common one is is they sing the song called champion or something it's about being champions you're so dismissive of the other side man city sing true blue yeah blue um

yeah there's a few it's very i think it's more common with with the the the there's a few. I think it's more common with the stigma against teams in the South. So particularly like London-based teams, they're not very loud. They're more posh. Civil. They don't give it up as much as the Northern fans. The Northern fans are the loud ones. It's like Game of Thrones, right? Oh, that's Jakes.

The North. Yeah, the North. They're rough and ready. They're down for fight. If Liverpool's the Starks, then I'm 100% in. Yeah, the North. The rough and ready. They're down for fight. If Liverpool's the Starks, then I'm 100% in. Yeah, I feel like they would be.

Yeah, they're up there. They're definitely like Winterfell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're up North, just before Scotland and all of that.

North before the wall. There are no Scotland teams in the EPL. No, they have their own Scottish league. There's only really two teams in Scotland that anyone cares about, but it's based mainly to do with religion. It's Protestants and Catholics.

Tell me about this team. Every team seems to be named after a city, and then at number nine is just the word Wolves. What's going on with that? Wolverhampton. So their mascot is the city. Well, I believe, I could be wrong, but Wolverhampton Wolves.

Was there two teams? Wolverhampton Wanderers. Yes, there were two teams. Oh, wait, hold on. Wolverhampton wolves i was there wolverhampton wanderers yes there were two teams oh wait hold on wolverhampton wanderers yeah but wait see this shows i'm not i'm not prepared to just come in two hours and know about the wolves this shows how quickly we started this podcast we've like texted you that we're thinking about starting it and then asked you to come in okay and i only really know what i I know is enough to impress an American. Yeah. Back home, if people listen to this back home.

You're an expert to me. Yeah. For sure. But I am like really poor. So you're. I play more FIFA than I watch football. Oh, interesting. Yeah.

So you're, but your endorsement basically is Liverpool and then your anti-endorsement is your, is Man City. Yeah. Man City. Man City. Yeah. Because I believe that they are ruining football. Yeah. Man City, yeah, because I believe that they are ruining football.

Okay. Are Manchester United and Manchester City in the same city? Yeah, and they would be considered derby rivals. So when Arsenal play Tottenham, their rivals,

because of the distance, they share the same city, right? So they're both North London clubs. So that's their rivalry. In Liverpool, our city rivals are called Everton. Everton I've heard of. So that will be,

Everton-Liverpool will be considered a derby game. But then there are deep rivalries that are not related to necessarily being in the same city. So that would be Liverpool and Manchester United. Got it. Let's talk names. We need to name this show. This is a few of our brainstorms.

I should say mostly my brainstorms. Jake's favorite, wannabe hooligans. Wannabe hooligans, okay. Hooligan is just any soccer fan or a rowdy, drunken one? I think... Is it British specific? Yeah, I mean, there's football hooligans. Football hooligans.

Yeah, a hooligan can still be a hooligan, but I think it's usually associated with football. Okay. the great the great british kickoff i like that okay great british kickoff yeah the soccer football show oh new fan who dis don't likes that one i just after wannabe hooligans every single title is from Amir. I have not come up with a single one. New fan who dis is doing way better in my mind than it should. Club fan which. It's kind of like a club sandwich pun, but also asking us which fan.

Club fan which. Which club. That's really strong too. Okay. And lastly is yours, Kicking It. But I feel like maybe there's already a soccer football podcast called Kicking It. Who said Kicking It? I think you did at the top.

I did not endorse that. I could do better than Kicking It. All right. Oh, yeah. I want stuff in there. You said Kicking It and then we said it should be. I think it should be football in it. Football in it.

Football in it. Question mark. Or soccer in it. In it is. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Deconstruct that for us. What? The word in it. Football in it. Football in it. Question mark. Or soccer in it. In it is, deconstruct that for us. What, the word in it? Yeah. Well, you know I use it a lot, right? Yeah, is that isn't it?

It is, yeah. It's isn't it. And it would probably be used as a substitute for right. Got it. Football, right? Yeah. Ain't it? Ain't it?

Yeah, yeah. How would you spell it idn apostrophe t no it'd be i double n it in it in it in it football in it i n n i t yeah okay are we imposters for using that word or is it is it okay for us to appropriate it like that football i'm letting you oh you'll allow it i'm i'm endorsing it i don't think anyone can say anything so i i that's what i would throw out i like the club sam uh club football what club fan which club fan which fan which it's just it's a it's a good pun but a terrible podcast but this podcast is not gonna last forever we can get a little disposable podcast has to have like a name that's like,

oh, what's that new podcast you listen to? Club Fan Witch? It's Club Fan Witch. Like, hey, check out this new podcast. Like you gotta, it has to have a name that you're not afraid to say. New Fan Who Dis is, I'm not afraid to say New Fan Who Dis

because this is where it's trying to convey what the show is. Yeah, it's not football. And is that also aged? Yeah, it's dated. I think, that also aged? Yeah, it's dated. I think, like, do you, is the cover image you dabbing? In a perfect world. What about fan Daniel? I've been wearing Opa sunglasses.

Opa football style? Fan Daniel back at it again with the club fans? Boatermouth USA? I don't know. I had a know for you yeah if if you're going just purely on your location where you were born what what team should you be a fan of that's a great question i i think i could get away with you don't know i i i'm not from north london i'm from northwest london but it would be completely acceptable if i supported arsenal because it's

it's not that far on the tube right so like in London it's a matter of like blocks it I mean there's so many teams in London like Chelsea like I said and I I didn't even get to like Queen's Park Rangers which would be really close to me there's another club called well Fulham Fulham's Fulham's 19th they're gonna be relegated dude yeah Fulham aren't doing well but... Fulham's 19th. They're going to be relegated, dude. Yeah, Fulham aren't doing well. But they were also newly promoted, which is a struggle. So they've just come up.

How often do you just come up and they're like, all right, back down with you? That happens a lot. Although a few years ago, and I'm not pitching for you to support this club, but Leicester came up,

were newly promoted, and then won the league. That's right. There was like a 500 to one shot. Fucking unheard of. It was insane insane how did they win they just just went on a there was a uh i think they had a great manager they had and the thing is the league below them is probably harder than our league in its own way it's so competitive

so you i think if all of the teams are just mediocre trying to get to the top. But I think they're all actually really good. Oh. Like, so there's another, okay, fucking hell. Okay. EPL, Premier League. Yep. So Liverpool, for instance, when they start a season, right, in August, will be available for four separate competitions at the exact same time.

You have the Premier League, which they'll be doing then they have the champions league which they've progressed in they're now in the knockout stages of the last 16 they're also in the fa cup and they're in the league cup i think they just crashed out of the fa cup yesterday those are where you will play in their english the fa cup in the English cup and the league cup, the league cup will be played. I don't know why the league cups, the most stupidest one. It's just those same 20 teams playing.

I believe, but the FA cup lets in. So you'll be playing teams in the division below you. I can't, I can't, you're doing that. We got to stick to the EPL. I can't wrap my head around these four leagues i know there's there's so there's two tournaments

there's three tournaments in one league you'll be in three tournaments in one league every year okay if you qualify jesus christ just focus on the big but don't you like you don't you have like seven you guys play seven games uh you play way more games than we do in basketball it's 82 games in football it's 60 isn't that a little excessive in baseball it's 161

wait 161 yes but why do you need that you know because you gotta watch something every summer day for three and a half months

you definitely don't need that much baseball sometimes they play two baseball games in a day a double header it's very easy to play baseball

you don't have to walk not on the pitchers don't they to walk. Not on the pitchers. Not in it. Don't they fuck up? And their shoulders are all up. Yeah, their shoulders are up. But if you look at any baseball players' bodies, they're pretty much weird looking out of shape.

Yeah, you can be a fat 47-year-old and play baseball. There's just no way football players, our football players can play that volume of games. Yeah, what's the oldest football player? Depends what position you play. I think goalkeepers tend to have probably the most longevity. 38 maybe? Yeah, they can go into their 40s.

I think Buffon, he's an Italian. Yeah, bald dude, right? No, no, no, no. Good looking guy, beautiful eyes. I did a commercial with him. Whoa. Yeah. That's pretty cool.

I'll give you an exclusive. Okay. I had a cigarette outside with him while he was in season whoa he was just fired we haven't even posted this episode yet but yeah uh is it general luigi buffon yeah he's in his 40s wow so goalkeepers tend to have the most longevity um it depends on it's usually due do with speed yeah as you start getting slower so there are positions that

it's okay to lose your speed a little bit but usually most people start looking at retiring in their early 30s

I guess it's just like any sport mid 30s how often are players bought like to another league entirely

oh very often so like if you have a favorite player, they could be gone. I guess what's the average? Your favorite player, will you be able to watch them for a few years? I think you'll get...

You'll probably get between three and five from when you buy someone, unless something crazy happens. You're usually going to see that guy for about three to five years. Mo is in his second year but are there the lifers that this guy's been on the team for 15 years oh yeah for sure you'll get you'll get the guys that just won't they'll hold their position they'll stay there i mean steven gerrard never didn't leave us for fuck i think he might have played for us for 17 years or something like that.

Yeah. He came on the pitch when he was, not like that. He walked on the, when he was subbed on. Oh, he walked on. He walked on. That's the word I was looking for. He was like 17 and I think he retired from us at 33 or something. That's cool. So there are some similarities to like the American football, the American basketball we watch.

But then there are some things that just don't compute. I think the closest, I mean, in terms of for me watching being in America and what do I identify with? I think basketball and, and, and ice hockey, they all like them. Ones I can grab the most.

Yeah. Ice hockey. Definitely. I find that really enjoyable. That would be my sport. Once I, um, immigrate into your country.

The Canucks. Are you going to be a Canucks fan, a Kings fan, a Ducks fan? Ducks. Nice. And that is not just because of the Disney movie. It is. I wanted to have a cool excuse. I don't.

There's literally no other reason. Yeah, it's to do with, what's your name? Joshua Jackson. Yeah. Or Josh Jackson. Or Pacey. Emilio Estevez. Yeah. What was the name of the coat

gordon bombay yeah gordon bombay that's it's not which is your nickname that is yeah gordon bombay that's your porn name that's funny enough that's also where i get my eyebrows done bombay brow club really yeah good man great eyebrows thanks man uh all right rahul thank you so much for joining us on this this first episode i feel like you've learned fuck all no we've learned a lot we've because we went from absolute zero yeah what have you got now we have we know you know how to sing the mo sala song that's all we need to know we know that liverpool is red what is it mo sala sala that's not no that's my pitch you've switched players and songs there we don't have a title for the show yet, but at least we've learned a lot about football.

I'm going to throw out for you guys, Soccer In It. Soccer In It. You've got an English word, and you've got a typical English word and a very American word smushed together. Oh, smushed together. Kind of, yeah.

Like East meets West style. Yeah. Okay. I don't know, club sandwich. It's growing on me. It's growing on Jake. We just need a song for it. Anything you want to promote?

Anything you want to talk about? Discuss? Shout out? Your Twitter? iZombie? Nah. No? Last season.

Who cares? Senioritis? I don't really care. Just my Twitter and my Instagram, I guess. RoyalColey13. But even that, don't i'm not even using that much anymore yeah what are you taking you've just got me at a really weird time we got you yeah in between you just want to call out at&t for giving you shit the last few days

yeah no service told me to wait for a technician yesterday didn't show up well you're here because he didn't show up so i'm a little bit thankful to them for that um thanks so much for listening everybody uh this premiere episode will be on our regular podcast feed, and then starting now afterwards will be on our Patreon feed, so you can listen to the rest of the episodes on Patreon. This is a hidden podcast. Oh, very good. We don't have to play Rose now.

We got it. Nailed it. If you have your own suggestions as to which clubs, squads, teams we should... Does anyone call it squads? Yeah. People do? Yeah which clubs, squads, teams we should... Does anyone call it squads? Yeah. People do? Yeah, yeah. Squad.

Yeah, we'll say squad. All right. We're still for sale, we should just say. Yeah. Still up in the air. So let us know. I will like a team for cash. What's that?

I will like a team for cash. Oh, that's pretty cool. Buyout plus a weekly salary. Can we get that billionaire to pay Jake 20 grand a week to be a fan? Probably. He's an influencer. He can do that. Yeah, you influence.

The oil wells run deep in his country. All right, we'll be back soon. Bye, everybody. That was a HateGum podcast.