Segments - If I Were You: COYS BOYS

Episode Date: April 21, 2026

In this episode we discuss practical cars, practical advice, and the Tottenham Hotspur Football Club.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Okay, we're back. It's Monday 420. Yes. I hope you don't mind if we have a reefer cigarette and smoke grass and hash and rip a bong. Are you okay? Good, dude, because it's really, it's mellow, bud. It should go down nice and easy. I think I breathe so. My saliva.

It's super friendly grass. What'd you say? I can't breathe. You breathed your saliva. Oh shit. No, I'm hacking. Is asthma contagious? I don't know what's happening, man.

I don't really feel good at all. I'm freaking scared and I'm not high at all. I'm just generally suffering from some sort of psychosis, I think. And breathing or fake smoking triggered some sort of response. God, it feels good to be alive. Yeah, we're back. All right, we're going to put this on our regular podcast feed for audio listeners, but we'll give the Patreon's the video version.

So if you actually want to see what my coughing looked like, they're going to have to pay to play. That's right. That's right. Please. Please. And it was a really good cough. Speaking of play, we talked about this last week on our Patreon.

The Tottenham Hotspur, your favorite football club, is teetering on the edge of irrelevance. Yeah, they are staring into the abyss. When we spoke last week, they were in 18th place of 20, which means they were, if the season ended today, going to be relegated to the minor leagues

of Premier League football. You know, the second tier. Yeah. Not the minor league. Champion. It's still a really, it's a respectable. Yeah, for the. Rexam is up there

and everybody thinks they're amazing. Yeah. So, Tottenham, going down there. It's still pretty cool. Exactly. It's still pretty cool. So I see you've reached the acceptance version of grief. I really don't know. I still don't know how I'm going to feel if and when it happens.

It feels more likely that it's going to happen every single, every single day. Yeah. But then since we spoke last, they were about to win a match. And then at the stoppage time, extra time, basically as the match was about to end, they gave up a goal. for a draw. Yeah, go from three points to one. You know, it's one of those things where there are positives to take from that game, but it's a hard pill to swallow given what the expectation was with like three or four minutes to go. You're expecting to win.

Yeah. And really in incredible fashion, it was an amazing game. Like, they came out fighting. They really went for it. Two great goal scores. Two of my favorite players scored the goals. Like Pedro Poro opens, scores. Stadium erupts.

Everyone's going nuts. Going into halftime. They're in stoppage time before the first half. And then they concede a goal. A pretty amazing goal. But when they probably shouldn't have conceded, given that they were two minutes from going into the dressing room, up one nothing at home.

So they sort of did the same thing in the second half. Every half is about to end and they let up a goal. Right. Two stoppage time goals, each to equalize. But, you know, then they fought back. Javi Simmons scores a goal. A really great goal. Beautiful.

Beautifully worked. He jumps into the stand, shirts off. Just euphoria. Everybody is fucking believing. If the game ends up to one, the vibes are so strong. We are in 17th place with so much momentum. Our first win this calendar year. But instead, with four minutes into stoppage time, in the 95th minute,

with three minutes to just keep it closed down, they concede again. And this other team doesn't really have anything to play for, right? They're like, whatever. No, they do. No, I think they're not. I think that win sent them into like a year. European spot. I think there's definitely something to play for for Brighton.

And they're one of the best teams in the league. They're like the informed team in the league. Like they've won five of their last six or something like that. So like they're they are really good. Tottenham before this game, if you had said Tottenham would draw, I would have been like, hell yeah, let's take that. We can get a point and then we win, you know, three of our last five games. We might be able to stay up.

But the way it happened. When you're up, basically, if Brighton had scored first and we realized we would have been celebrating, things are good. The team fought, they scored, but it is just that like, the order of operations changed everything, the expectations of glory and then snatched into the hands of defeat. And we still don't have a victory in 2026. That feels bad. And that other team, the 17th place team, West Ham plays team. Are you going to watch that? Yes.

Yes, I am. And the other teams that we needed to lose this weekend, both one, Leeds one and Forest one, which send them further up the table. We're like five points adrift from them. I think only two points separate us in West Ham, but if they win, then it's not going to be good. It's not going to be good. You should have a live stream of you watching that West Ham game,

just so we can live and die through you. Yeah, I won't be watching. I was so tense watching the Tottenham game that I actually didn't see the late Equalizer. I went on a walk. I was like, this is too much. Wow. So you were watching this Tottenham game.

You left when it was 2-1. Just to get away from the TV, you're like, I can't handle the pressure. In the 87th minute, I was like, I just can't watch because if I care too much, If I see Brighton score, I'll be so sad. And if I stay here for the next 10 minutes, it's going to be such a tense watch that I just don't even know if I can handle it.

Okay, so I had you about that. So I went, so I took Dingo on a walk and I left my phone at the house. Wow. And I was like, I'm just going to go. Yeah. And as I was walking, I was like, you know, Brighton could have scored. It could be two, two. But then there might even be time.

Maybe Tottenham wins three two. Maybe the final score line is Brighton three. three, Tottenham two. Maybe Tottenham actually stuck it out. By the time I came back to my house, I was like, I'm going to see two one full-time. Tottenham wins, and I didn't have anything to worry about. And I walked in, they were already onto like the United game on my TV. Nine missed calls.

Yeah. And then I looked at my phone because I was like, if Tottenham won, I think Micah and my friend Andy would text me. I was like he's, they'll say let's go if they won. Or like wolf if we blew it or something. But not they did no text at all. And yeah. And then I saw like the underneath like the pundits talking about United two to. And I was like how the fuck did that happen?

So you tried to sort of jinx the universe into not having a goal score. It's like I don't even give a shit. I'm not going to watch whatever. And then it's still happened. That's right. Did you watch the highlight of the goal? Yeah, I watched the goal after the fact. Was it good or?

No, it wasn't good. It wasn't good. Defensive letdown. More of a mistake or what are we thinking? I think it like, there are a lot of people giving my man Danzo some shit because it's kind of an individual error that leads to the goal. But I don't know. I think I give them a little bit more credit.

Did you see it? It looked like a fine goal. The crowd went crazy. I thought it was not a Tottenham home game. It was right in front of the away end. So that's all the Brighton supporters sitting in one section. I see. Yeah.

I'm like, it said it was a Tottenham home game, but then the crowd went fucking nuts. I'm like, maybe it wasn't. Yeah. People are saying like, people online were like, why don't, like, dancers should have just smacked the ball into the stands. Like, that's what you're supposed to do with, when the ball comes into your penalty.

area you're defending late just like keep on hoofing it far away from your own goal that's the whole game don't don't try any kind of tries to control it or take a touch but I don't think he to me it felt like he was just trying to bring it into him so he could kick it into the stands it's not like he was trying to do anything fancy and then I forget who the brighton player is that stole it but it looked like he just came out of nowhere and did something that was like borderline impossible and then they still get an amazing shot away it's like Do you take any solace in the fact that your rival team also blew a game? Yeah, I take a lot of solace in that.

That's a lot, a lot. That was good. Yeah. I think it would have been a really hard weekend to take if Arsenal had beat City. Right. So, yeah. Have you seen the memes of Erling Holland kind of like marching around with his shirt off at the full-time whistle? No, did he?

Yeah. And he's like, lip-syncing flow rider at the at the camera yeah it's awesome you just can't wait to take his shirt off that guy yeah and i mean they arsenal and city i think they really hate each other they like got into a uh a fight in the middle of the game there was like you know potentially should have been a red card on uh gabriel i think it is um so yeah a lot of good stuff a lot of good stuff that was a good hate watch it's crazy how to watch that game Hockey, basketball, and soccer, European soccer, all, like, come to a playoff during around the same time of the year.

Yeah. It'd be tough if I liked any of those other sports. You should be a Mets fan, too, just so you can feel some more disappointment. The maximum pain. Yeah. Yeah. They've lost 11 in a row, similar vibes. Yeah, I've seen, like, just on Reddit, like, give it, they also, like, gave up a walk-off homeowner.

Yeah, very similar. Hit recently. They also lost 2-1. Interesting. Yeah. Whoa, it's kind of amazing. Wait a minute. So are you going to watch?

So we've got five games on the run-in. Okay. Five games left. We've got to win three. And hope that. So they've lost their last 17 matches and you're like, we got to go three and two now. They drew their last match. They drew their last one.

They haven't won in three months. But they... Why would they win three of their last five? Well, first of all, they are... One of them is against wolves who are basically already relegated. They don't have anything. That's a must wear for sure. I think Everton is another one.

Everton's a decent team, but they're out of, I think they're out of European contention. They're just like going to be 12th or whatever. They don't give a sure. They don't have anything to play for. And then, oh, they, and then they're playing Leeds, who is another, you know, that's a relegation battle. Yeah.

We don't know how Leeds is going to close out. the year. And then of course they are playing Chelsea at Stanford Bridge where we haven't won in like I think a generation. Yeah, that one might be a tough one. Yeah. And then Villa away. Villa are very, very good. But we do have a good record playing against them. So it seems like you have twoish wins, twoish losses, and then one game that might dictate everything against leads. Potentially. But the thing is right now if like, you know, if if every, Everybody wins. If everyone in the bottom part of the table wins their remaining game, Tottenham are relegated.

And the relegation level teams are playing good. It looks like. It came back to win against Burnley. Yeah. Leads beat wolves. Yeah. And, you know, they have, they have easy schedules coming in too. Yeah.

It looks like the spurs are at 55% on these betting markets, slightly above. where they were before that draw. Okay. The draw didn't help. And who is the other favorite? West Ham. West Ham is 38%. So it's Wolves and Burnley near 100,

and Tottenham is third at 55. What do you want to happen? I mean, I'm kind of curious about this relegation thing. Let me see what Tottenham's like in the Champions League. What if they just go 38 no down there? That'll be exciting. Championship, not the champions, but yeah. That'd be kind of interesting.

If they finished seven, didn't they finish 17th last year? They did finish 17th last year. Yeah, they don't think. 17th twice should be relegation. Yeah, that's fair. I think the thing is, last year, the relegation teams were like historically bad. Like some of them got mathematically eliminated. It was like weeks ago.

Yeah, three tanking teams. And then they were just by default regularly bad. So they were 17th. Right. I don't know how many points they got last season. Maybe it was 36. Yeah, I'm not really sure. Seems like something needs to be done.

A shakeup needs to happen. They can't just keep going. Well, the shakeup did happen. The shakeup did happen. They fired the coach. They've got a new coach in. The players are playing better for him already. And, oh, you know, what else happened?

We have a lot of injured players, and two of them came back. So, you know, maybe our senior players who were coming back from injury can help us, too. Yeah, maybe. Or maybe not. And the only way to find out is to watch these matches. Or watch the first 88% of it and then leave and take your dog on a walk. How am I supposed to watch if you can't even watch? The thing about Spurs is they do, they'll find a new way to make you sad.

Yeah. Because I kind of went into this game being like, okay, you know, if they lose, I've felt this before. They go behind early. They fight back. They can't win. And that's just the normal frustration. It's been a long time since they gave me the hope. and they're leading, you know, and we could, yeah, it felt, it was, it was a new way to be sad,

a new way to be disappointed in them. Yeah. I just want one time, it's happened, I think, few enough that I can, like, count it on one hand. I just want them to, like, run away with, like, a 4-0 victory. Yeah. That's, like, it's 3-0 at the 65th minute, and I'm like, oh, wow, I can just enjoy this game. I just want to watch them pass the ball and score goals. Yeah. You've just felt like tense and sad. There's been no release since 2026. Even like their win that they, their one win in December of 2025 was like a one-nothing

victory against Palace that like was insanely tense. Like, just a hard watch. All their, all their matches are hard watches. That's why you just stopped watching entirely. I guess I should. I should.

Or, I think I would like it. If you watched and didn't go on a walk, I wonder if they would have won. It's possible. I think it's possible. Maybe next match I won't go on a walk. Or start with a walk and then watch the rest of the match. When is the next match and who is it against?

Saturday against Wolves. Oh, okay. So that might be the win that you guys desire. I mean, that one is, that one's the one that we, it's an absolute. Well, you know what? The thing is it's still not a must win. It's not a must win. Our backs are, it's a really should win.

Yeah. It's a should. It's a should. But I think if we need three of the last five, they're not must win until we play leads. Yeah. And honestly, it's only a must win if Weston wins today. If Westham loses today, you're back to the drawing board. Well, we'll still be, we'll still be below them.

But yeah, they play Saturday at 10. Yeah. 7 a.m. your time. You could definitely watch that game. Uh-huh. At the very least the second half. Uh, I think their record against wolves is actually abysmal. Yeah. Which is kind of amazing.

Yeah, that makes sense. Wolves did the double over them last year. Uh-huh. Yeah, I don't think they've won at wolves in two years. Yeah. Even though literally everybody else. beats them. Of course. But yeah, I mean, I want, I hope they win.

Of course. Yeah. I hope Tottenham wins the game on Saturday. I think we can all say that. Even their biggest rivals probably hope they win. Even someone who hates Tottenham and wants them to lose every fucking match is really rooting for them to win. Yeah. Because, well, I mean, think about it like this.

If you really hate Tottenham, you should want them to win because the hope will go up. Yeah, and then to lose more next year. Yeah. The best version for a Tottenham hater is that we go down on the last day. Yeah. In dramatic fashion. So you want them to at least draw maybe win and then blow it later in May. When, who's the Lakers' biggest rival?

South Dakota. When Boston loses, do you go on like the Boston subreddit and like read the comments of the disappointed fans ever? Okay, cool. Yeah, that's what I do. Or when the Lakers beat the Rockets on Saturday, you like go there and be like, ooh, I bet they hit their coach. Ooh, they think their players suck. Oh, they're steaming about LeBron.

Let me read all those sweet, sweet comments. Yeah, all right, that's cool. So it's something that everybody does. Yeah. Okay, why don't we answer some more? We asked for more if I were you themed question on our Patreon. We got some pretty interesting queries. People stuck in some way, shape, or form in their lives.

And they need our help to get out of it, if you could believe it. All right, let's do it. David, one of our patrons, said, Help, I need your advice as a longstanding duo. I recently moved to rural France for a new job. Amazingly, by pure coincidence, I found out after buying my new house that one of my neighbors is an old buddy of mine. from the military.

Naturally, as two old friends and two of the only English speakers in the area, we end up spending a lot of time together. However, recently I've been finding out that when we meet up, we have nothing to talk about. As a dynamic duo who has been in each other's company for constantly for close to 20 years, how do you keep things fresh for so much time together? Love David. I think the best thing you could do is start supporting Tottenham. Yeah, because then you guys have sports to talk about.

The key gen. I'm not kidding. Well, I'm lightly kidding about it being Tottenham because I wouldn't do it. Though it actually is probably a good time because if they go down to the championship, they play more games. And they're all on Paramount Plus. So it's an easy time to watch. But I think having sports, like it does.

It's helpful. You can always kind of go back to team news, what's happening with your team. Yeah. It seems like, so I would do that. It seems like everybody's into sports or movies or music. And you have to hope to God that the person you're meeting aligns, because it's like, if I meet a music guy and I'm a sports guy, it doesn't really, there's not a vibe there. But if I'm like, where are you from, Milwaukee?

Are you a basketball fan? Yeah, then we could just talk for an hour straight. Yeah. I think that sports are also easier to get, like, say he is into sports and you're not. I think you could. Where do they move to? Rural France? Yeah.

Okay. So, yeah, you start supporting the Marseilles. Uh-huh. The local club. That's real. Oh, you know what? Or Monica. There's a, what is the French soccer league called?

League one? I don't know. There's La Liga. There's LeBlu, which is the name of their national team. Okay. Well, La Liga. There's Bundesliga, which is Germany. Syria.

No, Siri A. Italy. Oh yeah. So maybe La Liga. Spanish. I think it's League one. Okay. And that's that's PSG.

Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, I would start doing that. Just get into the French soccer club. Yeah, exactly. Then you're buying into sports culture whether you like it or not. Yeah. I think that's super easy.

Because you could theoretically get into movies. I feel like of those three things, music is the hardest one to like just get into all of the sudden. There's a lot. Yeah. Which one? Where would you rank those three for you if you were talking to a new person? I think sports number one, because I can, you know, I like sports.

Even if I don't like the same sport as them, I'm like genuinely curious and like asking how their league works, how, who their favorite players are. Like I could get into that. Then movies, because I like movies generally. Yeah, in general. Music is the hardest one because if it's not, if it's not enema of this, if it didn't come out between like Cheshire Cat and the Mark Tom and Travis show, I don't know it. Do you know what I mean? YouTube has been giving me a lot of punk covers to Tony Hawk soundtrack songs.

Yeah. Like acoustic covers of lagwagons May 16th and it's really good. That's cool. Really good. I'll send you some clips. I would like that. Yeah, that's the type of music I could get into. If somebody is like, oh, there's a new band.

Yeah. I'd be like, no, no, no, no, no. There actually isn't. I don't do. Yeah. I don't listen to new bands. What about new pop stars? Like Olivia Rodriguez and Sabrina Carpenter.

I still, I don't, I could not tell you a, I think Olivia Rodriguez I've heard at least one of her songs. Does she say good for you? Yeah. Or something like that. That one I know. And then everybody else, I've, like, I've never heard a Sabrina Carpenter's song. Okay. And I've never heard.

I don't know Charlie XXX I don't know any of the pop stars and I don't I don't need to I wouldn't say I don't want to I don't care to it doesn't make a difference to me yeah this would be a bad conversation starter for someone who's really into music right yeah how does so how does that new Charlie DeMilleo song go is she a singer or is she just a TikTok to know and I don't need to know. So please don't talk about. You specifically. I don't care to know you deeper. Okay. You are persona non grata. You, oh, another, I know, interesting. I guess like, they didn't say, did they say that they speak French? Uh, no, they didn't. Okay. Well, like, I don't know,

maybe you already speak French. So this isn't interesting, but like, in theory, you guys could, like, practice your French on each other, which could be cool. But when you say it like that, it sounds like you want to kiss the other person. Oh, yeah. Can I practice Frenching with you? I really want to French you. Sock my blur. Holy cow.

I want a French something or someone. Let's French each other. What? It just means to practice French. Yeah. All right, here's a car-based question. MC writes, I'm not really good with cars, but maybe you know. I'm buying a new car and I just want to buy the new version of a car I already have.

The G. R-8-6 since I've had this car for almost a decade and it's the perfect daily driver. My girlfriend says it's impractical because we want to start a family soon and the backseat is basically unusable because it's a two-door car. I contend that she drives a big SUV with plenty of room for multiple car seats if she wants. Why don't we just take my car? Oh, she can say why don't we just take my car on family road trips. She says I'm being unreasonable and I need to quote, accept that I'm not a

sports in my sports car era of my life anymore. Should I just get a camry and suck it up or follow my heart into a smaller car? It's an interesting. I mean, I don't think you're being selfish, but I think you're maybe not thinking the whole thing through. Are you a one car family? Yeah, we're a one car family because we live in New York. So it needs to be big.

A bigger car. It needs to be. But like the one car needs to be big enough for a car seat. But with a two car family, doesn't it seem like one car can be. for a baby and one car can be for not baby. I mean, not really, I think it complicates things because it's like if you have a baby, then anytime your wife needs a car, she's got to use, you know, she can't take her car if it's bigger and has the car seat in case you might need the car.

It's just, it's going to be more annoying for you ultimately. I think better to be like, I have my car, she has her car. They each have a baby seat. They each have a baby seat. So you need to, especially if you have two kids. What if you have two kids? What if you have a second kid? Then are you going to be like, okay, you do all of the kid stuff in that car?

What if one's going to soccer practice and one's going to swimming? But isn't that like a problem for like four or five years down the line? If you don't have any kids, you can't start buying cars based on what if we have two? Well, you might as you could do it based on if we might want kids, I think, because you hang on to cars for a long time and they depreciate. So it's not like you could just sell this sports car and get. Camry. I mean, you can. You can do that. You can do that if you really want to. This actually reminds me of my fish dilemma. I mean, I have two fish and like, am I supposed to both get them

two five-gallon tanks that are two, they're bigger than the tanks they're in right now? I need one big tank for both fish, but they won't get along. But I don't want to upgrade one. And then I have to upgrade the other. Yeah, I could do one big tank with a separator. Yeah, I could do one big tank with a separator. But then at that point, that separated big tank is basically as big as the regular tank. Here, let me take my camera for the Patreon so they can see. I've kept these fish alive for over two months now. Are they both there? No, this is just Anna. This is the female fish. Yeah. And she's happy in this bowl. Happy for her. She's actually really happy in this bowl. So what do you guys, what do you recommend for this dude that he has to get a non-sports car?

I mean, I think if it were me, I would look at other cars and see if you like anything. think it's fair to be like this is my car it's my choice i'm gonna i'm gonna get this and if we need another car when we have a family i'll sell it and you're gonna eat the cost and i will also admit that when jill was pregnant i traded in my four runner for a rav four because i thought it was more practical and i hated it and why broke the lease because it was just small and it looked like an Uber and I was like Jill kept on like I mean we both kept on just like going up to random

RAV-4s on the street and pulling the handle because we thought it was ours it looked like every single car and I was like this it does I don't feel any joy when I get inside it and when I get in my forerunner I actually am happy to be there so I think there's a lot of value there yeah I just think you might be able to find it in a more practical car but if you can't that's fine much like I thank God for not making me a pedophile because that would be really hard urge to have to overcome every day.

I also thank God from not making me a car person. Because I've been saving a lot of money by not giving a shit about what I drive. So like, big car, small car, Prius, Toyota, Mazda, whatever the fuck. I don't care. I don't care. Nor do I care to touch a fucking child. It's all just like not he need me.

I don't know. Yeah. Thank God. Yeah, exactly. Thank God. That's a really, really think God. Yeah. But it's practical.

both ways. It's like better this way, I think. For sure. For sure. Okay, one last question. No, I have to go. Okay. See you guys. Thank you guys so much for listening. And keep asking us those questions. And we'll be back next week. Audio on our podcast feed and video right here on Patreon.

Ciao. Bye. Hi, I am Mandy Moore. Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast. That was us now on Headgum. Each episode, we're going to go into a, deep dive from our show, This Is Us.

That's right. We're going to go episode by episode. We're also going to pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors. Are we going to cry? Yes. A little bit. Are we going to laugh? A lot.

A whole lot. That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify. New episodes every Tuesday.