Segments - If I Were You: Monday's Musings

Episode Date: April 28, 2026

Back to discuss weddings, movies, and soccers.To watch this podcast a day earlier, and on video, check out http://www.patreon.com/JASee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome back to this unnamed podcast on Monday, April 27, 2026. It's still sort of a mess thematically. We don't really know what we're doing or how yet. It's our Monday show. Yeah. Jake and Amir's Monday musings. That's good. That way it could be sort of anything we want.

It can be a little advice. It could be a little soccer chat. I kind of want to start doing. It's actually going to be a lot of soccer chat. It's actually going to be a lot. A lot of soccer. I was going to say I wanted to talk about, like, more broad things than premiering football, just in case. Football is the most, it's the most popular sport in the world.

I don't think it gets broader than that. Well, like, movies. What do you want to talk about? Like, what's that? Yeah. Like a TV show or a film that's popular? I actually did see a film last week. Okay.

Let's see here. Let's see if I've seen it, too. Let's see if you can guess. Okay. Was it a movie in theaters? Yes. My first time seeing a movie in theaters since, I want to say, Parasite. Did you go by yourself?

No. Did you go with your brother? No. Did you go with a friend? I went with my best friend. Jeff Rosenberg. I fucking knew it. Avengers Endgame.

Again. So you and Jill went to see a Phil. Mm-hmm. Was it like for her birthday? That's exactly what it was for. Ooh, so it was a Jill movie more than a U movie. Was it the drama? I wouldn't say it was a Jill movie more than a me movie.

So for her birthday, you saw an action movie. Was it an action movie? I think you could say it was it was action adjacent. It was action-y. Oh, is Project Hail Mary? That's correct. Okay, I didn't see that one, but people love it. Yeah, it's great.

written by Lord and Miller. Okay, so maybe I could see it. We can have a deep dive. I also want to see slash hear good things about Nirvana, the band, the movie, which I don't know much about. Right. People do often, they say that we would like them because the humor is similar. It's a Canadian sort of semi-real, semi-scripted, but like really entertaining as far as I'm concerned. Yeah, we should do that.

So maybe we can watch that movie this week and talk about it next week. But you like Project Hail Mary? Yes, I did. I liked it a lot. All right, I'll try to see both of those and see if we can wax slash Wayne poetic. But you know what I did see? Mm-hmm. I saw the last 20 minutes of Spurs Wolves.

Now that was a film. Now that was a feature. That was cinema, brother. So these are the worst two teams in the Premier League going head to head. Kind of must win for the Spurs. and the wolves were just being kind of dickling trolls, try to drag a famous franchise down with them, down to the league below.

Yes, they don't have much hope to cling to, but killing Tottenham season, that's pretty good. That's as good as it gets. I mean, that's one step below an F.A. Cup, I think. Yeah, it's the spoiler role, which everybody likes to see. So I tuned in. And the hero role for a lot of people, for everybody that hates Tottenham.

Right. It would be the hero. The first 70 minutes I missed. And it didn't seem like I missed much because it was zero, zero with zero shots on target. I think that's not that. That doesn't paint a clear picture of the game because Tottenham really did. I think they've grown a lot since their draw with Brighton, which was not great. But they showed a lot of spirit, a lot of fight.

They had some good goals. But the mentality wasn't there and they gave up the leads. And then in this game, they showed that same kind of like, you know, bold play, high-paced attacking. They were going after it, but none of the shots were going in. No, none of the shots were on target, I'm telling you. There was zero in an hour and ten minutes of soccer. Not one ball was kicked to the goalie.

Right. There were no saves had to be made. That's hard to do. No, that's not hard to do. Zero for boat squads. I'm curious about the XG they created. in that first half. I think the XG they create,

like, you know, they've had a really bad season. They've created, I think three or four games have had like the lowest overall XG of any team in the Premier League. Like they might have set a record with like the lowest expected goals, meaning they literally created nothing.

But I think in this first half, even though the shots weren't on target, they created good chances. Anyway, I tune in at 70 minute mark. And by 90 minutes deep, I'm seeing what nobody. is seen this year, which was a spurs victory.

They scored a goal, took the lead. And while that was happening, the team that they're chasing also let up a goal. So we went from definite relegation to now it's like, oh, now it's looking like West Ham's going to be. Yeah. Which was great. Unfortunately, one, West Ham did come back with a last minute winner. Goal of their own. So I think they kind of have a lot of reason to celebrate, and we grind it out a really, really tough road win to the worst team in the league already.

But a must win. A must win. It was a must win, and we did win. That's a positive you can take from it. A negative you could take. This is the second, for the second time in, I think as many, no, second time in three games, we had. a player leave the pitch in tears. Stretcher.

Yeah, Stretcher. Javi Simmons, our best player, probably after Christian Romero, who was the last player that left the pitch in tears two games ago. Tora's ACL, he is out for the season for his World Cup on the Dutch national team for, you know, maybe nine months to a year. And it seems like it's hard in soccer because part of the. routine of getting hurt is pretending as though you tore your ACL. So oftentimes the team itself doesn't quite believe that the person tore their ACL because the whole goal is to pretend as

though you tore the ACL. And I saw some clips of the Tottenham medical staff just spraying his knee down with some sort of frieze. Yeah, I was watching that and I was like, oh wait, like first I saw it, I was like, that looks so bad. That's like a no contact injury. His knee bent the wrong way. He's done. And then I'm like, oh, they're, they're using the spray. Maybe he's fine. So what is that spray?

And then like they, I think it's just like kind of like numbs it or something, like lets you run it off basically. And then they cut back to the game. And Javi's like running up the sidelines. He's like, he's like running. And I'm like, oh, wow. So like he's going to go back out on the pitch. They're playing with 10 men.

He's going to go back out. They cover the game for a minute. They cut back. him he's on the ground again crying. I'm like, what happened? Why are you letting him test it? His knee is gone. Maybe he tore it on the test.

Possibly. Yeah, he definitely tore it on the play. He definitely tore it on the play. So, he leaves the, he leaves the pitch, probably our best, like, chance creator. The guy that's the most capable on spurs of, like, a big moment. It was his goal that went ahead. against Brighton last week. And, yeah, from there, then we really looked pretty miserable.

We looked like we were about to see how to zero-zero-dra draw against wolves and our basically our only really winnable game. Right. Probably the only game you'll be favored for the rest of the year. I think so, because everyone else we play is above us in the table. Right. Well, that's everybody but two teams for sure. Sure. But like, you know, I think historically we have, we've lost to wolves a lot. We have a really bad record against wolves. And they do have a, in the last, in this count, in 2026, they have a really good away home record at their home field. Okay. So you can, you can look at this from the angle of this was a good win for Tottenham. I think you can also easily look at it and be like, man, they barely beat wolves. And they're.

best player is out for the rest of the season. Not an ideal circumstance. But it was must win, and we did win. So now we're back to being two points behind West Ham, which means West Ham has to lose one and the Spurs have to win one in order to jump them. Yeah. West Ham plays Brentford next. Brentford's a good team.

We play Villa next. Villas a very good team. But I think we're playing them in between. They're two Europa League matches. So the hope is that they're kind of prioritizing Europe. And they're going to phone it in against us. It all depends on how hard they need to try against Tottenham. Yeah.

And you could imagine that the Will, that the Villa might be like, you know, it's just Tottenham. Let's rest some of our key guys because we can beat them with the B team. Yeah. And they might be right. They might be right. Are the rest of these, I like when two matches are happening at the same time. You're following two different games concurrently. Is that happening for the rest of the year?

Does West Ham play at the same exact time as Tottenham? I don't think so. Let's see, when are they playing? They're playing at 10 a.m. on Saturday. And Tottenham's not playing until Sunday. Oh, wow. So Tottenham will know the stakes of the match. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, if West Ham wins, that's borderline a death sentence. That means the Spurs have to do that twice. And they might not even do this thing once. Yeah, I mean, they haven't, this is their first win since December. Yeah. They have to win, I think we said the betting odds are like three of their final five. They have to win.

Yeah. So I think all things considered, this actually might not be one of their most winnable games. So a draw would be fine. Zero, zero. Sign yourself up for a zero zero. Away against leads, I think, or against Villa. I think I would. So who's the, when they say next man up, this guy tore his ACL last game.

So who's the next man up? I think probably Lucas Bergval, a 20-year-old Swedish international, who is, he kind of looks like a Ken doll. He's like, he's not as silky as Javi Simmons. Javi came from like R.B. Leipzig. He's like, he's from the Netherland. lens he's small he's he's like wiry he's very creative he can like make some magic happen and burg ball is kind of just like a hunky meathead who will you know he he he's um helped uh steal the ball

for javi's goal against brighton so he can like make some he's played before oh yeah yeah he was yeah um he's he's had some good time he's part of the team it he wouldn't be happy that like it's his shoulders now, like he's going to be our number 10. I think that's probably not great. But he's kind of like a bulldog. He could make some stuff happen. And also he might not start. It could be bassoon.

Yeah, he might not start. He might not start. Did you do your superstitious thing of not watching the end? I did. This was perfect. Because you are watching most of the match, which seems like that's the hard part. So once they took the lead, you stopped watching.

So what's the superstition there? I think it's just like I don't it's not even superstition it's like I have such a deep desire to not see them blow it like if it's zero zero and the other team scores I can kind of keep watching because I'm like all right totems they're chasing the game you guys can you can do it now I'm really rooting for you yeah but when I'm rooting for like stasis when I'm rooting for nothing to happen I feel like yeah it inflates my bubble too much yeah so like I was actually at my nephew's second birthday party at my house in Connecticut with like my whole family around. Like me and my brother and a couple of my cousins are like watching the game. On your phone. On like an iPad next to the TV. Just all of us like standing. Did you get any cold stairs or were people sort of okay with it?

I think I think people were okay with it because like it gave a lot of the dad something to do at the party. Like we were being a little bit. It's not like we were being antisocial in a corner. We were with a bunch of other people. Yeah. You were being antisocial in the middle of the party, not just off in the corner. Right, exactly. We were stealing a lot of guys from the party who might have otherwise been awkward

and not really know what to say or do. Did you walk away from the iPad or did you put the iPad away and say nobody can watch the match? No, I was like, you know, this is good because now I have to leave and I feel like I should leave anyway. So I like went out and I'm like making small talk and it was like, what's going on? I'm like, oh, I'm just really stressed about this. It's on and there. I wonder if they, I wonder if they've equalized. And then I saw, I was like sort of watching, I saw they gave up a free kick from a really dangerous position.

Yeah, 97th minute. Last play of the game was a free kick that had to be saved by the keeper. And I was just like, I truly can't watch. I know this is going to go in. And I went into the other room. I was on a, like, I was on a, I was on like our, my parents covered porch. Like they have like a enclosed porch, like a glass porch next to the house. And I was there.

And I could kind of see into the living room from where I was. I couldn't see exactly what was happening. I just saw shapes. And I saw my brother, like, leaning in, looking at the iPad. And I saw them just, like, continually looping a replay. And I was like, fucking hell. Like, they don't replay it that much if it's a missed shot. So I was like, they fucking missed.

Or they equalized. They equalized. And I came back in and I was like, they equalized. and everyone was like No like Kinski made an amazing amazing save and then but then it you know

he pushed it out for a corner right and then the corner was weird yeah so I was like then I was about to leave because I'm like I can't watch them take a corner this is going to go in it's going to hurt even more and then Micah was like the game's already over the stream is behind

Tottenham won and that was the best thing it could have happened I was like, and I rewound it to watch the free kick, knowing that Tottenham won the game that it was over. You shouldn't get to do that. And I was still, I was like, oh my God, I was still nervous. It goes in on the replay. Yeah, we were lying to you.

It went in. It's not fair. That's mean. You know, I didn't want to see it. What did you, what was your takeaway from the last 20 minutes? How did you think they, how did you think they looked? It was exciting. It kind of felt like the last day the NFL season

where like multiple games are going on at the same time. You're scoreboard watching because you want to make sure this team's ahead and this team did this thing and this team did that thing. And then when they got that free kick at the 97th minute, I'm like, this would be hilarious if they blew it now after it's being so close. You're not even rooting for Tottenham. What's that? Oh, yeah, I guess I didn't really know what I was reading for.

Because you're a fucking iron. Come on you, I. Coya. I was running for an entertaining ending, and it was entertaining for the blocks kick as well. And now we get to experience it all again next weekend. So how many matches are left? Four.

Wow, down to the fucking stretch. Yeah. Yeah. Next weekend, tough game for Tottenham. Decently tough game for West Ham. The week after, West Ham play Arsenal, which will be a pretty interesting one. because that's the number one team that needs to win.

Arsenal needs to win all five of their remaining games to win the league. They won against Newcastle at home, which is still, you know, and Newcastle is not doing that great, but I think that's still a tough game. And, you know, I wonder in two weeks, am I going to root for West Ham or Arsenal? I think you all, firstly, have to root for your team. First and four. I'll root for Tottenham to win. But I wonder if I will be happy.

I guess I would be happy. I'd be happiest if West Ham lost. Yeah. But that's the, it's the safest game because I think I can kind of get behind either result. Yeah. That'd be a nice hate watch. Are you going to be available to watch all these games?

Are there a few that you can't view? I mean, I watched this game during my nephew's second birthday, so I'll be available for all the games. What about your obligation? Obligations might come up, but. Yeah. I have priority. Doesn't she have a birthday coming up?

I think she has a birthday. Oh, that's a good question. What time? We have to move this fucking tea party. This actually might be really interesting. Yeah, because it might be on the last day of the season, right?

Let's see. May. So her birthday is May. What day is her party, though? Yeah. Okay, that's a good question. We're figuring this out in real time because it would be very funny of the party. Yeah.

No, I think we're safe. It's, okay. It is no. Okay. Oh, it's, all right. It's the ninth. And that Tottenham, they do not play on the ninth. They play on the third and the 11th.

Wow, that was close. That was definitely close. There were some request to live stream you watching the final match of the season. Well, you'll be watching, you'll be watching me walk my dog because I, it's a priority of mine to be thinking about Tottenham. during the game, but I sometimes don't watch it. Like if they're ahead, I might leave. Yeah. I just want them to win 5-0 once. That's all I want.

That's the only way I could watch and enjoy a Tottenham game. If they come out to an early lead, then you can even watch. Yeah. If they, like a, you know, kickoff is a long kick that gets headed into the box and Matisse tell berries that they're up 1-0-0-0. Then they go up 2-0, 3-0-0 by the 18th minute. minute. I'm like, this is so fun. Other team threatens, but then Tottenham go up for nothing. It's not even a half time. And then it's like, yeah, I'm having a great time. It's like, yeah, the other team scores

one. It's four one still. That's pretty good. And then, oh, shit, there's two. Okay. There's a penalty. Shit, is he going to convert that? Yeah, four three, but there's, you know, ten minutes left. A draw wouldn't be that bad. It's against Villa. Oh, fucking hell. How'd he score that? That's a bear. Fucking blowing it. I need to go on a fucking lock. Nope.

There's another penalty. Damn, is he going to convert it? Yeah, I did. Oh, we scored. Wait, what do you mean off sides? This is bullshit. Tottenham loses 7-4. How did that happen.

Unreal. This is just a fucking hypothetical. I should have walked the dog. Okay. Well, fingers crossed for everybody, I guess. Well, not everybody, you specifically. Yeah, me mostly. We should say if you're listening to this podcast, thank you.

And if you want to watch it, you can watch it on patreon.com slash j. And you should. And you should. And you should. Another perk of being a patron, people are asking us questions if I were you style questions on our Patreon. This one came in yesterday. Very cool.

Let's check it out. We're talking about having carte blanche access to our mind, body, and soul for only $4.99. That's really worth it. And yes, this is a question. question right up our alley because it is about a queer wedding and who would know more than us. Amy writes, I'm going to be proposing to my boyfriend of 10 years within the next few months. We've discussed what we'd like to do for the wedding and reception and the ideas we've come up with include an ordained friend doing the ceremony while dressed as a penguin. I kind of feel like that should be me.

Yeah. And possibly having the guests dressed as Muppets. This will be a small group, probably no more than 10 to 20 people. And while I realize I won't be able to rope the guests into doing a celebratory D&D one shot, I would like to do something other than just having sandwiches and watching a movie for the reception. Ideas for a small group of polyam and queer-leaning nerds to enjoy that wedding-ish. that's friendly but fun we live in Boston if that helps

why would that help why do you think the Boston of it all would help maybe they're thinking like going on a on a sightseeing tour around the Hava yeah the duck boats and all that yeah racing a car to Havad Yard I have a good suggestion and it's probably the right answer so I'll let you say your shitty take first

I was gonna say everyone should dress up as a penguin. That's what I was going to say, fuck. No. What's something like a D&D one shot, which I think is a one hour long campaign? What's a one shot?

A one shot is not a one hour long campaign. So swing and a miss. It is kind of a one and done campaign. You sit down to play once and the story unfolds over that session. I think it can be, you know it can be several hours. Is that like what I did with Nadpod, that one time where it was like a separate story? Right.

That was a non-canonical one-shot where there was a non-con one-shan? Yeah. I had no idea that was a non-con. I would have acted completely differently. Really? Yeah, I was sort of an agent of chaos. Yeah. Everyone died for me.

That Murph let you play because you knew whatever, whatever havoc you wrought wouldn't affect his actual world. Okay. So if they're not going to do that non-con, one, Sean, what's left? I think one, karaoke. Oh, that's fun. I think that's kind of perfect because it's like it's performance adjacent, which is like, you know, a D&D-esque. You know, you get to have each person gets to have your moment.

There's some turn taking there. But then since it's karaoke, you're going to be hearing a lot of great songs and people might start singing along and people might. Yeah. Which I think is, you know, I get rejecting a traditional wedding, but I think there are some things the wedding gets right, like the communal dancing. I think that's kind of an important part of celebration to me. Yeah.

But karaoke seems to be an indoor event. This feels like an outdoor festivity. I can do backyard karaoke in Boston. An outdoor. Yeah. Outdoor karaoke in Boston? Yeah, and a garden. Boston got it.

That's the TD Gardens where the Celtics plays. Oh, there you go. In the garden. What about a camping situation? So it's like a game night, outdoor game night. You're playing mafia around a fucking campfire. Nothing gets blood flowing like accusing your new fucking betroth that they're lying to you in front of all their family and friends. I just wonder, I feel like if it's a wedding, you want to do something that you would never really do otherwise.

I guess you might do karaoke otherwise. But some type of thing that's a little. bit different from the norm. A unique. Yeah. You got to, it's got to be unique. Yeah. Maybe, oh, maybe like streak through Havidiyadh, I can't stop with the accent.

Yeah. The square. Yeah, so he's, the guy is dressed up as a penguin, but you're completely naked. Streak. Everybody goes on streak. That's kind of fun. Yeah. A nude fun run.

Yeah. Who says no? What can you do once that's so rare that would probably never happen? again. Sink a duck boat. Molotov cocktail at a fucking children's museum. Is that crazy? Bumper duck boats?

Yeah. I don't know enough about Boston to know what would be great. I'm trying to think of, honestly, the fake example of having sandwiches and watching a movie sounds pretty good. Cariote's perfect. I really like sandwiches. Not everybody likes singing and the songs are often bad.

Well, maybe you could do sandwiches in a movie, but the movie is a musical that everybody knows the words to. Yeah. That's kind of fun. Put a big projector up in the garden or the garden. Yeah. Be able dance along, sing along. Mm-hmm.

Depending on what kind of crowd it is. Sometimes it's a musical theater crowd that gets fucking into it. And sometimes people kind of roll their eyes at a sing-along situation. That's right. That's right. That's right. David on his wedding had a drag show at it. That seems like apropos.

What do you mean by a drag show? there was a drag queen that performed in the garden where Dave and Anna got married. And like singing and dancing or it's more attractive event, roasting, did some comedy, yeah. A roast. Now we're thinking. Absolutely roasted Dave. So it's your wedding, but you hired somebody to fucking rail into you.

Yeah. That's pretty good. I don't hate that idea. I don't hate that either. It's not happening to me. Hell, maybe you could do it in a penguin suit. So I show up. I'm in Boston.

I'm getting paid whatever my appearance fee is plus the roasting fee. Right. And travel. And a meal stipend. And you do have a fine taste. 10, 250 all in. Yeah. Maybe.

I mean, I think 500 cash a day in addition to your 45K appearance fee, you also fly first nonstop. So you're going to have to fly into Boston. There should be a driver. you only stay at four seasons. I mean, all in, we're talking 65K, I think. But I'm there and I'm just fucking railing into these strangers. Just really, really making fun of them to their face. That's right.

All right, let us know how that goes, Amy. Let me know what you decide on. And maybe there's some wiggle room there in terms of friends and family Patreon discount. Like I can take $4.99 off that since you're clearly paying enough to leave a comment and ask these kinds of questions. Yeah. If you can't afford a mere 75K all-in appearance fee, then five bucks should get it done.

You're on Cameo for 69 cents for a hello, right? I'm on only Famio. Nice. That's when I sit sort of cross-legged, bottomless, but you can only see like a little tip in some pubic mound. And I'll do like a shout-out. You can see like a little bit of pubic mound peeking up through my ankles. And that's less than a dollar. That's less than a dollar.

Yeah, it's a lot of value. I'm losing cash because I have to pay, yeah, processing fee for that. Right. Processing, yeah. I'm showing a hole at a loss. Right. I'm showing a hole and I'm in the hole. Yeah, yeah.

You're in a hole for your hole. I'm in the red with a pink sock. Yeah. Thanks for listening. Thanks for watching for sure. Thanks for everybody who's fucking written in. Keep those questions. coming and we'll see you next Monday.

All right. Bye everybody. Hi, I am Mandy Moore. Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast, that was us now on HeadGum. Each episode, we're going to go into a deep dive from our show, This Is Us. That's right.

We're going to go episode by episode. We're also going to pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors. Are we going to cry? Yes. A little bit. Are we going to laugh? A lot.

A whole lot. That's what I'm hoping. hoping, man. Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify, new episodes every Tuesday.