Segments - Introducing: Headgum Happy Hour

Episode Date: October 27, 2022

Consider this your official invite to hang with us in the Headgum backyard: it's the Headgum Happy Hour, our new monthly stand-up comedy show! Hosted by the Headgummers you know and (we hope) love, Amir Blumenfeld, Geoffrey James, and Danny Sellers! In our inaugural episode, comedians Shelby Wolstein & EJ Marcus, Avital Ash, Liza Treyger, and Ian Karmel take us back to school for some stories to close out the summer. Along the way, the audience becomes an unwilling focus group for Geoff’s Shark Tank ideas. Grab tickets to the next Headgum Happy Hour taping on November 3rd. Watch the video version on Youtube Like the show? Rate and review it on Spotify and Apple Podcasts Check out Shelby & EJ's podcast Keeping Records, Liza's podcast Enemies, and Ian's Podcast All Fantasy Everything Advertise on Headgum Happy Hour via Gumball.fmSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Join us for Hedgum Happy Hour, a monthly stand-up comedy show featuring the talents of Hedgum staff and beloved... The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. dutifully preserved for historical posterity and your listening pleasure. Subscribe to HeadGum Happy Hour wherever you listen to podcasts or watch the video version on HeadGum's YouTube.

And if you're in LA, come see the next one live on November 3rd. Tickets available at HeadGum.com slash live. Enjoy! This is a HeadGum original. Hi everyone. Thank you all for coming. We're so excited to have you. Are you also excited like we are? All right. Without further ado, the very funny people I work with, Amir, Jeff, and Danny.

Hey, how's everybody doing? Thank you guys so much for coming. Is this on? Do you think this is on? I think it's on. Can you turn it up a little bit? Anya? Yeah. On?

A couple jobs at once think it's on. Can you turn up a little bit? Anya? Yeah. On? Couple jobs at once. She's right. Anya made dinner for everybody, and then she's also in charge of the microphones. It's too much. She's spread too thin. Now I can hear myself. Hell yeah. How's everybody doing?

Yes, sir. How are you feeling? Thanks for arriving. Hard to do that in Los Angeles, so we appreciate it. Where did everybody park? Because I'm afraid I might get towed. Don't ask mundane shit. I'm just making small talk.

We have to kill 45 minutes. Four comics bailed. They all said no thanks at the end of the day. No, what did you guys want to discuss? I'm sorry. I co-opted the conversation way too early. No, this is fine. I feel like this is the three most random people in.

We look like fucking Power Rangers. Yeah. There's always the most ambiguous. This is the black dude. This is the fucking random... Which one am I? You give real blue ranger energy. That means Jewish, but I appreciate it.

I starved, David, on your chest. You give off blue ranger energy. Yes your chest. You give off Blue Ranger energy. The flag of my forefather. Well, the theme tonight is high school. Back to school. Back to school. Back to school. The theme tonight is high school.

Yeah. My specific high school, you know. Go Preppers. I guess. That was the name of your mascot? Let's not talk about it. I did see that John Marshall over here in Lesville Go Preppers! I guess. That was the name of your mascot? Let's not talk about it. I did see that John Marshall over here in Les Filles,

their mascot is the Barristers. Interesting. Which might be worse. Than Preppers? Preppers? Preppers is nothing. Barristers is at least something. There's not a thing called a Prepper.

I don't like being in the middle of this. All right, let's switch it up. I end up in the middle again? This is fucked! I was a piece of shit in high school, yeah. No, I really thought highly of myself. When I was a freshman, well, they used to bring speakers to my high school to inspire us to go into different fields.

One of them was the GM of the Cavs. I'm from Cleveland. Kobe Altman. What's that? Kobe Altman? It was before David Griffin, whoever that guy was, Adam Smith or something. He didn't do well with the team,

but he did come to speak to us, and he was like, all right, well, let's do two more questions. I've been raising my hand the whole time. My question had something to do with, like, the core was like Tristan Thompson and Kyrie Irving at the time. The core. You weren't doing well.

A red velvet jacket and smoking a cop. Yeah. One question, yeah. I had a basketball-related question, and they were like, two questions, you and then you, and pointed at me second. First guy asks the question I was going to ask they're like all right and you and i was like uh and i should have just said that was my question and

given it to someone else instead i was like what do you think of the what do you think of the name change from new orleans hornets to new orleans bellicose and he was like yeah i i work for the cleveland cavaliers i don't really have an opinion on that. Bell rings, school starts, just everybody's like... Because other people wanted to ask questions. So that was what I was like in high school, Danny. That's tight. Didn't you smoke tobacco out of a pipe? I also smoked pipe tobacco in my garage.

Out of a pipe? Let's talk about anything else than me smoking pipe tobacco you look good man thanks yeah i really needed to fucking hear that i can tell if you're losing weight or just buying bigger clothes danny loved it i thought the same thing like what the fuck is this dude it looks like you're an after picture but but you just might be wearing an XXL. What were you guys like in high school? Popular, dog. Jewish, man.

For sure. I was mad popular, bro. I really had a great adolescence. I don't know. That's awesome. Played football. Yeah, I was in shape. Yeah, that's awesome.

For sure. Same, same, same. Yeah, yeah. Well, flag football, but middle school, but yeah. I was in 12th grade. They were in 7th. I was, flag football, but middle school, but yeah. I was in 12th grade. They were in seventh. I was playing flag football. You moonlighted as a parking enforcement officer, right?

And sunlighted. Did you really, bro? No, of course not. Don't believe anything he says. Gleefully handing out $71, $281. Some random young police officer. Yeah, most people work at like a summer camp. Yeah, I was a tutor.

All right, I have a question. I have a question. You're right to change the officer. Yeah, most people work at like a summer camp. Yeah, I was a tutor. All right, I have a question. I have a question. You're right to change the subject. If there's one famous person that you could bully in high school, like you knew them in high school. Physically? Yeah, or mentally. Okay.

Who is the oldest Backstreet Boy? Ooh. AJ? Do y'all know? Do anybody here know? Kevin. Kevin? Nah, Kevin could kick my ass who was the other one Howie I would outwit Howie that's nice I really would nice thank you what about you I don't know it's just cuz you were time

about boy bands but but Taylor Hanson. He's smaller than the Backstreet Boys. The Backstreet Boys were jacked. Really? Shit. The Hanson guys were like... Handsome. Lean, yeah.

They were, I think, 8, 10, and 12. Really? Yeah. Okay. That I didn't know. It's all ages. I just know Mbop. Yeah. They were adolescents, for sure. Yeah. Okay. That I didn't know. It's all ages. I just know mmm bop. Yeah.

They were adolescents for sure. Yeah. What about you? I feel like I would mentally torture The Rock. There's no way. Before he got jacked. Just roast him, my bro. You fucking can't fight.

There is no before he was jacked. You see. He was probably chubby a little bit. He was huge. He was 6'4", 280. But just roast him, my bro. Your mom doesn't love you. Just walk away. Shit like that. Yeah, dog. Yeah, but you would have fed the fuel that led him to be what he was huge. He was 6'4", 280. But just roast him like, bro, your mom doesn't love you. Just like walk away.

Shit like that. Like, yeah, dog. Yeah, but you would have fed the fuel that led him to be what he is now. Yeah, that's fine. I want to ask everybody tonight who they want to bully. Okay.

Who they could bully or who they want to. Or would have. Whatever. We're all old as fuck now. Yeah. Back in the day. Some of us more than others.

Somebody from my high school was on Shark Tank and he got $750,000 for a tattoo moisturizer called Black Rabbit. And I figured if Oliver Zack could do it, then so could fucking I.

So I have a couple ideas that I wanted to run by y'all and we'll settle on one and I'll actually submit it for the deadline which is in eight days, October 1st. The first one is

SAG Afterpreneur. So that's the only actors union that pairs well with non. What? And what are you looking for, cash-wise, for what percentage of your company? That's going to be $400,000 for 25%. Nice. No way.

Doxed Martin. Custom boots with celebrities' addresses on them. It's disgusting. It's pretty good. Just like Judge Reinhart on like a Chelsea boot. Just do one more. Do your last best one. You gotta get the show going.

This is disgusting. All right, AstroTurf. Artificial grass that somehow rockets JK Rowling to Mars. Let's get this show started. Introduce them. You guys know these people

from Twitter, from TikTok, and as the hosts of one of my favorite HeadGum shows, Keeping Records, give it up for EJ Marcus and Shelby Woolstein. Hey, thanks, Jeff. Hey, thanks, Jeff. Hey, thank you, Jeff. Thank you, guys.

It would be literally insane for you to know me from TikTok. I have three videos. If you guys were like, I know her from TikTok, I'd be like, that's nuts. People do. Jeff and I are from the same town. And I went to the all-girls school that was counter to his all-boys school. And he's not lying about preppers. That is true.

And their mascot was literally just big boy in a suit. Like it literally was just like a white big boy wearing a suit. And our mascot, the Blazers. Makes no sense. I didn't like going back to school. Why? I literally, I loved it.

No, I didn't like going back to school. I didn't like going back to school because I went to summer camp. So when I got back to school, I just got to learn about everything everyone did without me. I was like, oh, that's awesome. They were like, I had sex this summer. I was like, I flirted behind a bunk

for like 45 minutes, and it was sexy. That sounds cool. That sounds really cool, though. I mean, I... I don't remember a single thing I learned in high school. Like, I was... Actually, I think, mentally,

I was like, I won't learn here. I was like, yeah, right. I dare you to teach me something, and they couldn't. And it led to me being really stupid for a really long time. No, really? Literally. In sophomore year of high school In sophomore year of high school,

sophomore year of high school, I told my parents that I didn't know what month came after January. Stop. And they said, what? And I said, nobody has taken the time to tell me. And it's always written on the board. Yeah.

So I was like, I never have to know that. And then my mom got so mad at me, was like, I can't believe I raised the stupidest person on the planet she said that she literally said that and I was like no like I'll learn it and I locked myself in my bedroom

and I learned the most I mean I guess at this point I'm 15 years old at 15 I was like I'm gonna know what comes after January bitch yeah I like asked my family to gather to be like January February March April May June July August September October November December and they were kind of like whoa thank you that's yeah just so you guys I learned that yeah really impressive I I learned that because my siblings' birthdays were April, May, June, July. Easy.

You get that. Easy stuff. That's like simple. January, February, March, April was all I had to learn because then July to November is Jason. And D, Derulo. So it's January, February, March, April, May, June, July birthdays. Jason, Derulo. So I'm sitting there being like. That's simple. That June, July birthdays. Jason Derulo. So I'm sitting there being like, that's simple.

That's really easy stuff. Yeah. Yeah. I totally hear you with like school not being like the most, I don't know, best use of your time at that age. But like, I guess I used it for like really, in a way, I guess I was doing sort of like research on my own. Like you could call it like an independent study.

You could have done that at home I could well but I'm transgender so um in when I was in high school I was fully fully fully closeted so I was like you know other girls right um as we knew them other girls were sort of dating boys and doing that kind of stuff and I was too I was too for the most part yeah like I was like fully partaking in that in a way in that I would sort of have like boyfriends and I would be like why don't you put on my dress why don't you put on my dress just like do it do it which is super normal and okay to do and um and then i

would just sort of like observe them and be like god you look good god you look good um they'd be like do you want to make out i'd be like whoa that's not what this is about today's not seeing you in a dress yeah today's about seeing you your body specifically in a dress and that's you guys can psychoanalyze that all you want but that's what school gave me so i like super important stuff i just feel like like i don't think when i was a kid the things that i was curious about was like i was taking my razor scooter and running it over worms and seeing if i could bring them back to life yeah yeah insane but now I know you can't and they will live for way longer than you think whoa um once they're

split in half I think it's because they have like a bunch of stomachs but um oh yeah yeah and resilience but like teenage boys teenage boys yeah are literally they're in class for what reason all they're thinking about is like what does my dick feel like in this textbook? Do you know what I mean? Literally. Wait, what would my dick feel like on those curtains? What would my dick feel like? That's all that's good. So it's like, it's not the right time to learn. Right now, I

learn stuff on TikTok and I'm like, I'm curious. I'm now Googling stuff. I'm like, that's amazing. Yeah. And in high school, they taught me things and I said, it is so stupid that you want me to learn that right now. You fought it. You debated. I did.

Yeah. I thought I believed nothing a teacher said in everything my peers said. Like, I learned in middle school, I learned that you could get pregnant from a hot tub. Yeah. Yeah. Someone said, if someone comes in a hot tub it's the perfect environment for come to survive 48 hours. I said a hundred percent that makes total sense to me. I mean balls are hot. So I was like that has to be able to

happen and then I was like well people keep saying like the Virgin Mary the Virgin Mary the Virgin I was like if it can happen. If Yeah. If it can happen, it can happen to me. And so my first pregnancy scare was when I was 12 years old and a virgin. Because you were. Because I was in a, I went to a hot tub on winter break. Rag. Whoa. You don't think I did?

I went to a hot tub. Yeah. I should have known better but I went to a hot tub on winter break and I um I then didn't get my period

for like three months and I was like I'm pregnant yeah and then I had a friend over to talk about it I was like

listen yeah we gotta talk I'm gonna have a baby and she was like what I was like no I was in that hot tub and whatever whatever whatever yeah and we decided i needed to take care of it um because i wasn't fit

to be a mom and um oh get rid of it yeah that would be taking care of it i couldn't bring it even to yeah term totally yeah this is a pro-life audience i forgot they're all like holy shit she considered abortion i was 12 okay they're like she should have carried yeah i'm like i'm seeing the signs they're like are you literally kidding me they're like wait she would have aborted that baby she's fucked up yeah immediately oh my god they were like, every single one of you was like, yikes, emotions.

But I was gonna get one. You were weird, you guys. If I was pregnant at the time, I would, thank you. Yeah, thank you. An ally. But I,

I had to get a ride to urgent care, so I asked for one from my dad. Sure. And I was like, I need to go to urgent care. Yeah.

Which, by the way, I don't think they would've performed it. But what did I know like, I need to go to urgent care. Yeah. Which, by the way, I don't think they would have performed it. But what did I know? And I went to, I went to my dad. I said, I,

we need to go to urgent care. And he was like, are you sick? And I was like, no, I just have to go to urgent care. And we went back and forth for a while because he was like,

if you're not sick, why are you? And I was like, just trust. And so then my sister was like, she thinks she's pregnant. I'm 12 years old. This is my father.

And he was like, what are you talking about? I was like, I could be. Like, who's to say? Like, I don't know how I would know. And he was like, what are you talking? We go back and forth. We're screaming. I'm flustered.

And he goes, who's the father? And I said, it could be anyone. He stormed off. We never talked about it again. I was like, I got my period like four days later. And I was like, and he never needs to know. Yeah, that's a secret. Give it up for Shelby and EJ.

Yay! I was tasked with asking you guys a question after your set. Sort of the format of the show. And I wanted to ask it asking you guys a question after your set, sort of the format of the show, and I wanted to ask it for you guys because, yes, we did basically go to what should have been the same high school but wasn't. Was there, like, a teacher you guys liked, and what was one quality about them that changed the course of your life?

Serious question. Wow. Wow. I think that's fair to ask. You first. Me first? Yeah. yeah yeah i have to think oh my god um i mean i had okay i mean i like to be honest the first thing that came to mind was i had like a lesbian science teacher like nice like literally i was Pro-life anti-gay.

They were like, okay, I guess that's good. She shouldn't be teaching science if she doesn't know that a man should meet with a woman. No, yeah, she's lesbian. I just thought that was super cool. I was like, wait, okay, noted for later. Love that, love that. Shelby? Yeah?

I know a little bit about your high school experience. Oh. Yeah. His sister went to my high school. Totally. You were cool in high school. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for

decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah.

It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com?

That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed.

Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny, I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz. With a Z.

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Take this survey and we will read the results. It's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do whoa really oh my god first i'm hearing about it that makes so much sense and you hated school yeah that's kind of the whole thing so cool um my favorite teacher i mean i loved all my teachers if if I'm being honest. That's the only reason I didn't get expelled. There was a thing at my school called Honor Council, which was a jury of your peers who got to decide if you were in trouble or not. The police.

Cops, cops, cops. They had to run for it, and they had a lifetime appointment all through high school. So you got nominated. The Supreme Court. Cops, cops, cops, cops. They say after you go once, they're like, you will get expelled after your next appearance. And I went nine times.

And the only reason I was never expelled was this guy, Dr. Wunderly King. There's no way. Dr. Wunderly? Yeah, he was my advisor. He was a made-up character. And he was a magician, too. That was a stage name.

That's awesome. It would not surprise me. He was awesome. He was so sweet, and he let me stop taking Spanish class and just do the worksheets in his room. Nice. Good for Dr. Wonderly. Well, anyways, give it up for EJ Shelby!

I was just saying that it's exciting to be here. It's kind of our first arms crossed worst HR rep outfit I've ever seen. Okay. So is this what you meant by roast famous people? Yes!

Dragging me. Can I pitch another shark tank idea? Yeah, please. Gin Diesel. Bottle of liquor with a little rib tank top. Who says no? Probably Vin. He'll sue you for libel.

Yeah. And someone else will sue you for the label. He hates The Rock, so I thought that maybe he would try and like. Do they really? Beef? Oh, they have huge beef. And The Rock has, what is it? Dobos?

The Rock has. No, not, Dobos? The Rock has... No, not the tequila. No, it's a tequila brand. Terramana. That one. He's definitely trying to one-up him in that regard. So I think Gin Diesel.

Yeah. And if you don't like that... If we don't. Of course. Then I'll come back with a couple more later. All right. I really do want

to do my homework here. All right, well, let's get this shit going because this motherfucker... All right. Let's get this shit going because this motherfucker would... Alright, this next comedian

is fucking hilarious. You see him every night on the Late Late Show and Netflix. Make some noise right now for Ian Carmel!

How's everybody doing tonight? You having a good time? Yeah! Immediately see the Portland, Oregon hat.

Shout out, dude. Hell yeah. I am from Portland, Oregon. I went to high school the Portland, Oregon hat. Shout out, dude. Hell yeah. I'm from Portland, Oregon. I went to high school in Portland, Oregon. I fucking loved high school. I loved it. I was a gigantic football player.

Everybody liked Sublime, not just me. It was everybody. Now, you can't like Sublime. Liking Sublime is worse than being a pedophile. But back then, everybody liked Sublime. You'd walk into a party, and Sub't like Sublime. Liking Sublime is worse than being a pedophile. But back then, everybody liked Sublime. You'd walk into a party, and Sublime would be playing. You'd leave a party, and Sublime would be playing. You'd get in your car, Sublime would be playing.

You'd get pulled over by the cops, they'd hear Sublime, they'd be like, you're a good dude, don't even need to blow into this thing. Everybody liked Sublime. I fucking loved it. I don't even have a joke about this. I'm just talking about high school. I really did enjoy high school. I loved it. I was just smart enough to get by. I was not actually smart.

I was Jeopardy smart, which is different. Some people are real smart. I'm Jeopardy smart. If the president called me and was like, there's a meteor headed to Earth, what are we going to do? I'd i'd be like i got you tallahassee is the capital of florida i was in tag though was anyone here in tag talented and gifted yeah good we all were everybody was i felt very special about it at the time but it turns out everybody was in talent and gifted. Talented and gifted means you're here. Oh, man.

I really did. I love high school. Y'all ever Y'all ever, y'all ever Now, y'all ever You guys ever see, like, pictures going around on Twitter of what school lunches look like in other countries? Where they'll be like this is Japan

and it's a well balanced meal and here it is in France and there's a bernese sauce on the haddock and then they show an American and it's just like microwaved bologna and like a ketchup swastika or something like that I know it's like

hip to criticize America you guys are probably younger than me I know it's like hip to criticize America, you know? You guys are probably younger than me. I know it's in right now to look at the American flag and say, I have some notes. You know, I know that's what we're all doing here. I know, I know that.

But American school lunch? That's not where we start, okay? We fucking knocked it out of the park american school lunch that's not where we start okay we fucking knocked it out of the park with school lunch i don't know what those pictures going on on twitter but we had chicken fried steak like three times a week nobody should eat chicken fried steak ever and we had it three times a week we were rarely served anything that didn't have gravy on it that's a fucking beautiful dream for a child they would i'm sure it. They would, I'm sure it was to save money. I'm sure it was to save money. But we had a thing called Bandidos Quesadillas,

which was just several quesadillas. I fucking love that. In France, they're trying to give you like spelt and quinoa. Fuck off. That's why you guys aren't good at basketball. I partied a lot in high school, which you can probably tell by how I'm much dumber than all of the privilege I've been afforded should indicate.

I, uh, I loved it. I loved it. None of us had older siblings, though. How did you guys... Did you guys... Anybody? Who else partied in high school? Make some noise. Yeah. You, sir, you're wearing a Hawaiian shirt tonight. I who else partied in high school? Make some noise. Yeah, you said you were in a Hawaiian shirt. Tonight, I know you partied in high school, dude. You've been partying since high school. It hasn't stopped.

That's my fucking man right there. What's your name, dude? Connor? Your name's Connor? And you're wearing a Hawaiian shirt? What are you doing here right now? They got bars up and down this street, dude. There we are. They'll be open later, he says.

Of course they will. Fucking Connor in the Hawaiian shirt. How did you get booze when you were in high school, dude? Older siblings, so you were like, hey, here's 20 bucks, hook it up. We didn't have that set up. We didn't have any older siblings. What we had was,

what we called them beer runs. What we would do was, me and three other already pretty drunk friends would walk into a grocery store, secure in the knowledge that the employees of that grocery store weren't allowed to touch you because of ongoing litigation concerning just that method of apprehending wayward youth. So we would walk up and down those aisles as though we were on a Friday at 11 p.m.

grocery shopping trip. Just three lads out for an evening and we would fill our grocery cart with various groceries so people wouldn't get suspicious but we weren't really paying attention so it would be head of cabbage golden graham cereal orthopedic inserts so much beer beef jerky and then we would at one point just be like go and then we would run we would push the shopping cart out into the parking lot where another friend was waiting in his mother's Subaru Outback, right? Just around the corner from where the cameras were. And we would throw the beer in. And then we would close the back of the hatchback.

And then we would push the shopping cart away. And they would run after it, grab the beef jerky, get back in the car, and then leave. And that's how we did it. And I did that like seven or eight times. And this was when I was like 17, when I also didn't believe in white privilege, so. The irony was as thick as the molasses

they used on that beef jerky we ate on our ride back to the party. I think they need to do a better job of educating children in high school myself included, my own generation every generation so Nelson Mandela Nelson Mandela I was recently looking into Nelson Mandela

I was reading his Wikipedia page. Cliff notes, just for everything in life, I guess. I was reading his Wikipedia page. Nelson Mandela spent 30 years of his life in prison. 30 years of his life in prison. And while he was in prison, he dedicated his life to education. He learned Afrikaans, the language of the people who were oppressing the black people in South Africa. He got a law degree while he was there.

He nearly went blind, by the way, because he was forced to break rocks in the yard of the prison. Like very white chalk. And the light reflecting off it damaged his eyesight. He slept on a straw mat. 30 years he was in prison he was in prison for 30 years doing that and when he finally got out he was elected the first black president in the history of south africa that's what he was and after a amazing tenure as the president of south africa where he prevented a massive violent civil war that almost surely was

to break out. He stopped it from happening. And after he got out of office, he dedicated the rest of his life to fighting AIDS and poverty, not just in South Africa, not just in Africa, but in the world. That is what Nelson Mandela did with his life.

That's Nelson Mandela. And the Mandela effect is when you think the Fruit of the Loom logo had a cornucopia on it, but it did not have a cornucopia. It was just loose fruit. Civil rights hero Nelson Mandela. 30 years of his life in prison.

A third of the luckiest people on Earth's life. 30 years, and that's what we fucking named after him? What the fuck? We are fucking dumb as hell. What the fuck? That's like if we were like, look at that guy. He's a regular Martin Luther King Jr. You're like, what do you mean?

He has a mustache. What the hell is wrong with him? Now now we call it the mandela effect because this phenomenon happened when nelson mandela was in prison for so long that people assumed he was dead so when he got out of prison finally like in the 90s people were like wait no he died in the 80s and they were like no no you just forgot he was alive because he was in jail for so long and they were like wait no he died in the 80s and they were like no no you just forgot he was alive because he was in jail for so long and they were like ah forgetting that's what i will choose to take away from his sacrifice you know what i bet nelson mandela wishes he could forget being in prison for 30 years why do we ever ask famous people what they think about anything? When has that ever worked out?

We shouldn't do that. Chris Pratt. I'm talking about Chris Pratt. It was a long wind-up, but I want to talk about Chris Pratt. What the fuck were we doing asking him any questions about him? We should ask Chris Pratt one question ever. And it's like, how fun was it to work with Bryce Dallas Howard again? That's it. That's the only question we could ask Chris Pratt. We talked to Chris. We used to love Chris Pratt. You remember that? You were all there. We loved Chris Pratt. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey, oh, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats.

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So if you like football as much as me, which is not likely because I do know a lot. Like, do you know what a nickelback does in a cover to defense? Or like, do you know what a play action passes? Like, these are like some advanced things that I know that you wouldn't. I basically know run and Hail Mary. You actually know both of those? Yeah. Running is when you run. And then Hail Mary is when you wouldn't necessarily know. I basically know Run and Hail Mary. You actually know both of those? Yeah, Running is when you run, and then Hail Mary is when you chuck it, right?

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See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink,

and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. He was the internet's boyfriend. We loved him. He was on Parks and Rec, and we were like, look at that guy. He's the internet's boyfriend. We loved him. He was on Parks and Rec. And we were like, look at that guy. He's funny.

And he's not that hot. He's hot. But he's not that hot. And I like that. Because that's how I see myself. We loved Chris Pratt. People wanted to fuck him. People wanted to pee him.

We loved him. And then we were interested. So we asked questions. And it ruined it. Because he has dumb opinions. Because of course he does. Chris Pratt belongs to a weird, bad church. And of course he does chris pratt belongs to a weird bad church and of course of course chris pratt does look at chris pratt he's one of the

biggest movie stars on the planet and everyone else who looks like chris pratt coaches middle school football i would believe in whatever god they put in front of me if that was my life he looks like he should be drunk in a grocery store not on the set of a movie that's chris brad why the fuck did we ask him any question we did this to ourselves you know what this is this is exactly like a few years ago when there was those pictures circulating on twitter and it was like a big plastic bin in a factory and it was full of a big pile of pink slime it was just a big pile of pink slime and it was circulating and people were like guess what the pink slime is and we were like i i don't know some sort of industrial solvent they were like no it's chicken nuggets

we had to be like oh gross gross yeah that is gross. Don't fucking show us that. I don't know what I thought chicken nuggets looked like before they got turned into chicken nuggets, but I didn't think good. I didn't think they looked good. You get 20 of them for $4.

They come in one of four shapes. Every one of them is one of four shapes. God didn't do that. I knew that. I didn't think chicken nuggets were just like like an emotionally well-adjusted chicken on a treadmill just like whenever i die do whatever you want with me and you have my blessing like i didn't think that was it we chicken nuggets for ourselves and then we chris pratt for ourselves we got to stop doing that you put your nose in a beehive

you're gonna get stung a few times you know what i mean now i gotta go we should stop asking famous people anything ever you know when we had proper movie stars in the 80s because we never asked them their opinions about anything not even once sylvester stallone he was huge and nobody ever asked him anything not even once sylvester stallone has never had the right opinion in his entire life. Never. Look at that guy. Look at that face. Look at his face. That is the face of a man who has said some words that we don't say

anymore. Nobody has ever asked Sylvester. Sylvester Stallone has had one good opinion ever, and that opinion was, I should make a movie where I fight Mr. T and Hulk Hogan and he did it all right I've been Ian Carmel and now I'm gonna answer some questions I have a couple of pre-planned questions for you all right right all right of

course the theme is high school, right? Or back to school, not high school. Thank you. You've inceptioned us to be wrong. Yeah, I know, right. Can we keep his mic off? I think it already is a little bit. Turn his vocals down.

I think I'm deaf, quite frankly. All right, what's the biggest thing you cheated on during school? The biggest thing I cheated on during school? Oh, I'd love to say, like, a girlfriend, but I didn't. But she wasn't that pretty. I didn't have one of those. I didn't have, no, it was way more embarrassing probably. I cheated on like lots of tests.

Oh, you know what it was? It was, I was in like a algebra class that I had no business passing, but the teacher wasn't even a football coach, was just a friend of a football coach. And I had like a 59, and he was like, I got you, dude. And he didn't even give me a C. He gave me a B-. Which is crazy.

He's going to jail. That's crazy. But I still don't know Matt. Last thing. Fantasy Draft, your favorite. All Fantasy Everything, co-host favorite All Fantasy Everything Headgun Podcast Top three Periods in school Oh man

Early release Late arrival No I was actually A pretty good student I really liked I loved history I liked AP history Because I had this like

Great union leader, socialist teacher, who just made us read Howard Zinn when we were all sophomores, and that was really fun. She'd be like, that's bullshit. Here's the real story. You got a one on the exam. I got a one. I did poorly.

I did poorly. So I loved history. I loved English just because reading is fun. Answers didn history. I loved English. Just because reading is fun. Answers didn't have to be right. You just had to explain yourself enough. You know what I mean? Right, right, right.

You can't lie in math. People could be like, what is this sonnet about? And you'd be like, if you explained why you thought it was about the military-industrial complex, which wouldn't come along for 500 more years, you still got points. I'm not wrong.

We disagree. Right. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And then shout-out to lunch, dude. Yeah. Yeah. A late third-round pick.

Yeah. Sleeper. Yeah. Hell yeah. Well, one more time for Ian Carmel. Great job. Thank you, sir. Appreciate you. And listen to all Fantasy Everything.

Watch The Late Late Show. Watch Ian's specials. He has so many of them. Very funny guy. Killed it. I have another Shark Tank pitch. Oh, yeah. Why?

Yeah, why do you? Why am I awake sleepless at night? I got it. Okay, let's hear it. Mamory foam. Uh-huh. A mattress that you have to get screened once a year. I'm worried about you, bro. I'm not doing well.

Financially, emotionally. That's a nice mom. Remember those rom-com movies where the mom was disheveled but rich? She had a t-shirt on. That's the t-shirt of like a nice i want to dress like i'm in a nancy meyer's kitchen yeah right that's a nice real street like you know it's like something really does have to give though in my life that's really good all right let's give it nancy meyer's give me one give me one more one more idea one more idea one more idea yeah shirts NPR is all thongs considered a radio-based ass show I should have capped you at the memory

one that was perfect yeah the NPR one all thongs considered was it Tom Clancy feast sorry what's that that's wet cat food for military veterans what the fuck I'm glad we got there alright let's keep the show going you want to see another comic yeah

this next comedian was on Barry she's all over social media I live with her. She's my lover, if you can believe it. So treat her with respect. Let's give it up for Avital Ash. He defamed my character by saying we were lovers. I'm upset.

I was brought back to high school with the Sublime Talk. I feel like I couldn't be the only one. I was driving back to high school with this Sublime talk. I feel like I couldn't be the only one driving around super high, and one of the songs had sirens in it, and every time I was like, oh my god! And it would happen over and over and over, I guess because that's part of being high, you just don't remember shit. So that was fun.

I'll hold it against Sublime forever. My favorite thing is when girls are texting with guys that they like and they say haha to not sound crazy. Like are you seeing anyone else? Haha. Where does she live? Haha. No like her exact address haha. I don't love it when a guy says I want you to come cuz like me too I'm trying but I'll still say I want you to come when I mean I want you to go I'm ready for this to be over I think about what it was like when I was in high school and I bet lesbians in high school have it so easy nowadays. That's the end. No, like if I've learned anything from 80s movies, right, it's that to be cool in high school all a guy had

to do was present his fingers and his friends would like sniff them to see that he'd gotten pussy. But as a lesbian, you can just cheat, you know? How can you trust it? I have been watching some gay Roman porn. I just saw two lesbians caesaring. I'm going to talk to you guys about porn for a while, so I hope that's okay. My sort of educational journey with porn, because it started in middle school and we're going back to school.

Okay, so my first brush with pornography was a cartoon drawing of a breast that I saw in a magazine and tore out and hid away like some sort of porn squirrel. And I want to be clear that it wasn't porn. It was just porn to me at the time. And I hid it in this heart-shaped decoupage box, which I assume is what Kurt Cobain sings about. It works better if I say decoupage heart-shaped box, but it's too late, you know? No use crying over spilled cum i don't know um and then my next brush with porn was a while later i think i probably squirreled away some more drawings here and there but my first apartment in la my neighbor jd was watching porn so loudly that i could hear

it in my apartment and i just hear at full volume, fuck my ass, it's right below my pussy. Which is how I learned that sometimes porn is just directions. And now that I've had more experience, I usually watch Asian porn and it's not like a fetish thing. It's just, it's the most creative, you know? Yeah, like I think I really need something sort of off the beaten path to help me beat off my own path, you know? Like, it's never American

or Dutch or Spanish porn where you'll see, like, a depressed naked girl's soccer team, like, listlessly putting around a soccer ball until the saddest looking girl with bangs loses, I guess, and has to get finger banged in the gym. At least I think that's what's happening. I don't know how to play soccer or speak Japanese. But I think finger banging looks the same everywhere. Could be wrong. I don't actually know if they're speaking Japanese because I watch porn on silent.

The talking kind of ruins it for me, just like with real sex. Like I'll only participate in a gang bang if it's silent. I have a thought, but there's one that I'm skipping and I don't want to forget it. You guys really need to know every nuance of this porn journey. Oh yeah, I like, I guess,

I like porn that's hard to search for where you can't just type like DP or cream pie. You'd have to type like schoolgirl pees on metal table while entire classroom watches. Or like man freezes time and undresses women and then restarts time and women don't know why they're naked I should probably just that I like obscure porn so that I would sound like pretentious instead of like a monster too late I become a bit of a titles enthusiast I have thoughts on titles. I had to write this one down because it's so long. But I saw one.

Daughter Swap, colon. Big-titted graduating sluts swapping and swallowing there. And then it cut off. It's so long. That's not a good porn title, unless the goal is to make you click to find out what they're swapping. They're Stepdad's Hot hot come I found out. On the other end of the spectrum my favoritely named pornograph, my naked stepsister. Straightforward, to the point, sometimes less is more you know and it gives me a sense of safety because I trust that they'll deliver on the promise of the premise, and when all is said and done, I'll have seen someone's naked stepsister.

Okay, and then finally, amateur wife is fucking while cuckold husband is watching. I mean, have they ever taken an English class? It should obviously be amateur wife fucks while cuckold husband watches, right? Way more active sentence also what is an amateur wife like a fiance from a marketing standpoint it just raises too many questions and a confused mind always says no you know if i don't know what you mean how can i flick my bean if i'm confused i can says no. You know? If I don't know what you mean, how can I flick my bean?

If I'm confused, I can't fucking come. You know? Cool. Cool. Any of you get dick pics? Do you get? Have you been? Yeah, yeah. From him.

From him. When did you send her your first dick pic like the weekend after you met a week in oh waited for the weekend not a week was that solicited oh you asked we stand an empowered woman asking for what she needs i guess i'll'll just tell you another way that I like to come, aside from, you know, you haven't heard enough. I'm worried. I like having hate sex. I like when I despise the person making me cum. It's why I'm so good at masturbating.

I'm finished we learned so much about you and me in that that was fun did you love it? it was great I loved every second who was dying up there? laughing too hard

it was Marty? yeah it was Marty it sounded like a cat dying I was a little bit concerned but I'm happy to hear that it was Marty having fun at your expense it was the stuff about you

that you loved? I think so it was about the DPs of it all. Did you guys have any questions? High school questions for Avital? I know a lot, but maybe you guys have something to get to know. You were cool in high school, right? I was.

What kind of high school was it? Was it only Jewish people, or was it diverse? I went to a Jewish school through ninth grade, and then tenth grade I switched to public school. And I didn't have any friends. I was friends with older people that were not in high school, which in hindsight is creepy. But I remember going to a restaurant with my best friend,

and when I went to the bathroom, the waiter was like, we were all in love with her in high school. Gabby was like, her? Because I guess I was cool in that I didn't talk to anyone. I think it's like the boys I had crushes on were like that. Were like loners and in a corner and hating, you know, just misanthropic. Me too. That was my vibe.

That's my vibe. Really? Because you did yo-yoing. Remember Speed Cups back in the day? Oh, yeah. Remember that random ass fucking bitch? Do y'all remember that shit? Where you do like cups, a pyramid, and then you deconstruct them and see how fast they

go. What was it called? Was it speed cupping? Yeah, I think it was speed cupping. Stacking. What a fucking psychopath. Because I remember them coming to the schools and, like, testing the shit out on tables. Like, we were all kids, like, throwing up.

We were so excited. And these motherfuckers just, like, stacking party cups. Yeah, stacking cups yeah solo cups i want to interview that dude what were your extracurriculars if you didn't speed stack what did you do um if any i really did a lot of smoking weed and drinking and just was like not yeah i did um love my ap english teacher like we were all in love with him so i don't know if that's that's an extracurricular, right? Thinking about your AP English teacher?

Lit or lang? Yeah. Let's get to the bottom of it. English literature, that's right. The cooler one. It was the cooler one. I feel bad that I made it, that I tried to act like everybody was in love with me in high school.

That's not what I meant to say. It was this one guy, and I made him emblematic of my entire high school. Yeah. And I feel stupid now. Amir's pissed the fuck off. And now you all wish you, if anything, everybody loved the English

teacher. Yeah, that's true. We did. You still text, like, did you hear about what he did? Or like, I found him on Instagram. He's not on Instagram, but I've seen the current crop of high schoolers hashtag his last name and I found photos of him that way. He's still a stud, yeah. Damn.

I think, I mean, he's very fit i remember in a like in 11th grade he walked into the classroom and all the girls girls goos all the girls were swooning and i was like ew and then i had him as a teacher and i was like oh so it wasn't just but he was um also a fitness instructor so he was very fit jesus yeah this guy sounds awesome he was he was amazing he got offers from better schools, but he stayed at a public school where he could make the biggest difference, but then he did leave to a magnet school after I left. That's awesome. Shout out to, what was

his name? Mr. Shinoski. Alright, well, I am still here. How are you? Any final questions for Avital before we keep this show on the road? Jeff has nine more stupid ideas to yell at you guys. Well, you talked a lot about porn. You said that you found it in middle school.

So I just, I had a story. Oh yeah, the Fleshlight story I was supposed to remind you of. Is it? I was told. There's a lot of zillennials here, I feel like. I was born in 1997. Same vibe here. 96, 97, 95, 98, 99.

So, you guys get it. I'm going to do sort of a call and response. We all ordered a fleshlight and our parents intercepted the package and sat us down at the talk. So it was addressed. Adam and Eve logo. Yeah. Adam and Eve. In high school?

In high school, sir. You were this horny? Like, no no I can't The hand is not doing it No it wasn't Danny I smoked pipe tobacco When I was 16 When I was 12

I felt 40 I can't I'm not feeling it enough I was like I want to like I need some extra dog What I needed was knowledge I needed to know

What I was gonna prepare for Did you ever think My parents might intercept this? They sent discreet packaging. Fucking the stock room on the side. Like, what am I supposed to do with that? I come home, I'm like, hey, bud, was there a... Did my flash light show up by any chance?

Tracking says it was delivered. It's like an Amazon thing. And she's like, we need to have a talk. What did she say? She was 14 years old. This is not getting up. We're fucking making out. Yeah, I was, you know.

What was the talk? How did she open? You know what? And this is the heartwarming end to it. It was a very good talk. I don't exactly remember the details, but I remember coming away from it being like, that was pretty cool, all things considered.

That's nice. Did she give you the fleshlight? No, he's returned it. I think. Daddy had that shit. Alright, I'm going to dispose of this. I'll get rid of it tomorrow.

Let me get this fleshlight. This is ridiculous, son. Taking out the recycling later. That's the box. I can't believe you would do this. Bring this in, son. Taking out the recycling later. That's the box. I can't believe you would do this. Bring this in, man. If that's how my dad stood, I would be a much different person. All right, we've got to get this.

We've got to get this. Give it up, yes. Oh, sorry. All right. Two mics. Hell yeah. Greg Kinnear. What's. Two mics. Hell yeah. Greg Kinnear. What's that?

Sorry. Greg Veneer. Okay. Sort of a varnish, but it's also the star of the way way back. Yes. So Veneer like Greg Kinnear. Got it. Anything else?

Namaste. Namaste. You were smoking fucking tobacco. I'm sorry, dog. I don't know if I've ever known who I am. You just dickless wasn't hard. I'm 15 and a half. My shit's not getting hard like it needs to. Watching fucking...

I also like talked it up to my classmates. I was like, you guys know what's coming in the mail today. That's disgusting, dog. Next day, they were like, how was it? I was like, same boat as you, brother. I had the talk. Alright, I'm sorry. Let me get this shit going.

Are we ready for the last comedian of the night? She is her fucking Larius. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. That's right. I have a podcast here called Enemies. Chicago legend. See it on Netflix.

Make some noise right now for Lisa Traeger. I honestly, I ran up here like it was Price is Right and I didn't know that I was next. Like, I do feel very flustered for no reason. I do have a piece of paper. I am a pothead. It has ruined my life. We pretend it's like from the earth it's good and then it's like it will make you dumb and that's that I

feel after 15 years of smoking weed I just woke up and I was mr. bean and yeah trying my best okay so and oh you know I got really lucky because I threatened to kill my chemistry teacher before school shootings were popular. And I feel really lucky. I just got sent to school therapy, but can you imagine today? So I'm glad that I'm a little older, but Mr. Chung fucking sucked, and he was a sexist,

and he had weird little fingernails, like flattened fingernails. It seemed like you were turned on by his fingernails. That's, yeah, ew. Okay, good, good, good. You're chill. Ow, okay. I am an immigrant.

I'm from the former Soviet Union. Yeah, not, well, oh yeah. She's just from there too. Don't worry. Suddenly it's like the movie true lies okay i that didn't even make sense um yeah i'm a russian jew from ukraine not to you know ruin the mood but it is what it is you missed a lot um the people behind you, they might fuck. Okay. But, yeah. So, you know, my dad was born in 1938.

My mom in 1945. Just like, whatever. They're old and immigrants. I think you understand. And the most embarrassed I've ever been was in fourth grade. I played the viola. And the night of the concert, the conductor came up to me and said, please don't play, just hold it. And lip singing the viola for my immigrant family was a low point.

It's like so sad. They escaped a war. How sad were they to just watch me hold it? But what a bitch, right? Would I have ruined Blue Je blue jeans blues that hard like we're fucking fourth grade um so that was disrespectful um moving on to fifth grade something bad that i did i'll have to confess we did ruin mr michael's life um because he had purple converse we thought he was gay and we didn't we weren't nice about it um and i feel really bad. He also had a vintage Mercedes, but because it was old, we were like, you're poor. And so we ruined this man's life. He broke a clipboard because I had, I just remember this. I had to have a post-it note on my desk. And every time I interrupted him, I had to do a tally.

And then after a certain amount, I'd get kicked out. But whatever. I didn't care um so that was a confession um I was homophobic in fifth grade but only to Mr. Michael um but I wonder where he is I hope he's still married so I hope he's doing good he also had a mole on his face we were not nice to him and I feel me and jovan i want to find out what jovan's up to we really fucking ruined his life but fuck him because during the talent show we wanted to do a dance to barbie girl and he said it was inappropriate and it's like we didn't

know that then like i and i'm just pissed um so we did something else. Okay, killed Mr. Swim Team. Okay, I quit Swim Team two weeks before senior meet because I mispracticed to go to Oprah. I got tickets to Oprah. So I think we can understand what that meant. And it wasn't just Oprah. We got snacks at a movie theater to watch Shall We Dance. We got boxed lunches.

Then it was Richardard gear susan sarandon and jennifer lopez so i missed practice then the next day he goes you missed practice i go i was at oprah uh like what and um he said you said you try to make it and i said yeah i tried what you want me to do get a private jet and, you know what, I'm sick of your attitude and so is everyone else. And I said, I'm sick of you. And then I never, I had to quit. And so that's a story. I got into a car and the only address I remember,

oh, I'm not, I should, well, it was 420 Surf. That's a cool street. And so I went to my friend's house thinking I was gonna get sympathy. Like, I'd be like, oh my God, I got arrested. It's so sad. But she was midway through an abortion. And I was like, sympathy like I'd be like oh my god I got arrested it's so sad but she was midway through an abortion and I was like okay stealing my thunder but she like did the pills at home so that was like a learning lesson too you know what I mean everyone always someone's

in the middle of an abortion um life's all right okay um oh something terrible happened to me in second grade this girl Jen Reese eventually she goes I've just been using you for erasers because we had like eraser collections and I was like heartbroken um so mean I did meet someone a couple weeks ago that listens to my podcast and they said something and I was like oh my god that's so wild that you know that and she goes yeah you talk about yourself a lot and that's been going through my head right now but I love a theme um okay college in it but what is oh never mind I don't want to tell that whatever I got arrested in college too and after my friends picked me up they asked me for gas money that's mean right like I just was not raised like that um

like I've had a hard day all right I didn't know you'd be obsessed with that one um I hope I remember it but okay I'm. I'm going to... Thank you so much. I had so much fun. What a great high school career. Yeah, I dabbled. Dabbled? I think I went a little...

I think I spanned all of my educational career. I hope that's okay. It was perfect. Thank you. I feel like you've led a thousand more lives than me. You think so? I was a nobody. A nothing burger in high school. I don't think I was

I mean I ate lunch in the library sometimes. That's cool. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah but you did shit. I wouldn't even go to the library. That's how little shit I did. Why? What were you doing? Video games? Yeah a lot of video games. Some not even video games.

Just staring at the television. Yeah. Nothing plugged in at all. Did you go to the movies? Occasionally, if my parents wanted, like, you know, somebody else there with them. Okay. Could you see you on date night? What was the best high school party you went to that you didn't get in trouble for?

I don't know if I partied. I was on the swim team. Theater party is not good. I'm trying to think. Yeah, when I was a senior, my good friends were already in college, and we had fun parties. Honestly, there's no stories here. I'm sorry.

I guess I seemed fun, and I'm not. I guess I seemed fun and I'm not. I really gave a good show, but here I am. I can't remember one party. Wow. I remember drinking. I remember drinking with people, but I don't remember big parties. Do you remember the first time you got drunk? There was one party I missed, but everyone was watching the dad's porn.

And I don't know if I wanted to do that. Like his collection or he was in the porn? No, collection. God. Yeah, yeah, yeah if I wanted to do that. Like his collection or he was in the porn? No, collection. God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've done that. Oh, I was joking. I feel you.

I also swim. Oh, yeah. Ended theater. Wait, were you a swimmer? Yeah. Two days? Yes, it's two days. You never see the sun.

From 6 a.m. to 9 p.m. That's a lot. That's two. You're lying. Well, it was, it doesn't matter, but it was

first swim practice in the morning, school till 3.30, second swim practice till 5.30, theater rehearsal 6 to 9. Oh my God.

Nobody cares. Well, I got in trouble because Charlotte's Web, I was in Charlotte's Web as our conferences were happening and my swim coach was like you've got to choose I'm like let me just be in this play like I I'm not that good at swimming I do I did get a JV record though whoa what was it what Hunter Butterfly it was 118 it was that's hard that's really hard uh what about prom? Homecoming? Dances? Any stories? Any thoughts or emotions?

It was like... This is horrific. I can't believe this is happening to me. I asked this boy to homecoming and he said no. To your face or did he give you a maybe I'll think about it? He said no, which is fine. But then he went with my group of people alone anyways. Wow. I'd rather go stag in a group.

It's like psycho. Yeah, than stand next to you in a picture. And I always say, he was one of those people that's like, I'm going to join the military

but then 9-11 happened and he didn't and it's like, why don't you just join it? You know what I mean? Now they need you more than ever. I'll talk.

It's just like, fake military people are worse than the military. Like, yeah. You know what I mean? Now they need you more than ever. I'll talk. It's just like fake military people are worse than the military. Like, yeah. You're doing push-ups and thinking you're cool. I just, yeah,

but whatever. He tried to friend me with it. For no reason. And also, yeah, it's all the bad politics of being in the military without any of the valor

or self-sacrifice. Yeah. Sorry, I have a whole essay about this. Not about this shit. I'm at war. Yeah. yeah sorry i have a whole essay about that i'm at war yeah how was the college application process for you did you go to college be honest what do you mean i don't know what he asked i was gonna say be honest regardless of what

oh okay so um i did go to three different colleges. So I went to Iowa State, and that wasn't really for me. Go Cyclones. Yeah, there was like horses on the campus. I was on the agriculture floor. I was on the agriculture team. No, you weren't. No, I was just saying. Why do you keep lying?

I'm sorry. That's the only way I know how to talk. Continue. What was the second school? Can I name their mascot? That's all I'm thinking about. Oh, okay. No, it's not a real school.

I went to Columbia College in Chicago. Not university. Got it. Did someone go to Columbia College? My friend Amanda Ferry went there. You went? Our parents did. Your parents?

How old are you? He went to Columbia. University or college? College. And what did you study? I did TV writing. That's cool. TV writing.

So it's like an artsy community college that's expensive. Yeah. In downtown Chicago and I majored in music business. I am tone deaf.

And so that was dumb. And then I was like, maybe I'll just be a gym teacher. And so I went to North Park University. I'm fostering Kedzie in Chicago

because that's where my gym teacher, Mr. Tate, went. And so I was like, I'll go here. And then it was an evangelical Christian college. You didn't know until you arrived? I thought it was like Loyola, Notre Dame. Like you can still be normal, but it's like a Christian college of America. You can still be normal.

No, these people are like, I went in open-minded and left being like, I hate you. Like they were out of control people are like, I went in open-minded and left being like, I hate you. They were out of control. Just like, yeah. Wild, wild Christians. But then I found stand-up and then I switched to sociology. And that was chill.

And then sociology is fun. What does cheating on a test when you're majoring in music business look like? Is it you under the desk hitting a metronome? Truly, I can't even tell you what I was there for. It was a blur of a time. I worked at a really cool hair salon, though.

It feels like you got a lot of great life skills during all three tenures. You learned how to cut hair. Not cut hair, I was a receptionist. Okay. But I learned how to schedule hair. You learned how to do stand-up. Not cut hair. I was a receptionist. Okay. But I learned how to schedule. Yeah. Yeah. The big four.

Well, thank you so much. Congratulations. I don't want to end on that. No, let's end on. My job at a hair salon. What was your. Why don't you guys tell me? Why are you.

Yeah, you'd be vulnerable. Three words to sum up your high school experience. Because people know so much about me. Three words. Like sports. Sports. Love, love, love. Three words.

I'll say friendships. Nice. Savage. That's a good one. This isn't one word, but we have really good bagels. Friendship bagels. Friendship bagels. French bagels. French bagels. And you know what?

Mr. Ortman, my theater teacher. I love him. Love it. Yes. Love it. Fuck yeah. I love bagels. I should leave, yeah?

Yes. Give it up for Mr. Ortman. Give it up for Lisa Traver. Give it up for Bagels. Give it up for Poppy C. And Mr. Orr. You went to college, right? I went to college. Was it tight for you?

I met a lot of great people. I have a quick question. All right. This is rumored as an athlete that the theater kids was constantly fucking. Yeah, like every theater party was an orgy. Yeah, it was weirdly real. Was that for real, for real? I was never part of it.

He was in the corner of the orgy, just like, what the fuck? Fleshlight. Adam and Eve mobile. I stole this from my mom. It's not what it sounds like. Don't even know I'm here. She took it from me first. No, I didn't even get the invite.

It's me on the quad that Monday being like, what'd you guys get up to this weekend? You're itchy. You're really itchy. I was on an improv team of eight people through college, and so we were kind of like, don't fuck each other. Damn. Nobody listened.

Yeah. But not orgies. I'm sorry. Yeah. This has been fun, man. It's been fun. But not orgies. I'm sorry. Yeah. This has been fun, man. It's been fun. Did you have fun? Do you guys feel like you're back to school?

We're going to be doing these every month, right? Really? What do you think for October, November theme? Halloween? That's awesome. Old Hallows Eve. That's really cool. What do y'all think the next one should be?

What do you think? We put it all on one person. Do our job for us. They all yell Thanksgiving in unison. That's really cool. What do y'all think the next one should be? What do you think? We put it all on one person. Do our job for us. They all yell Thanksgiving in unison. It could be. Just dress up as pilgrims. Thanksgiving in October.

No, I think it'd be fun. Halloween, we all get dressed up. This is mad problematic. This is why you weren't invited to the orgies, man. Right? No one wants to dress up. Thank you all for coming. This was fun.

Give it up for yourselves. And until next time, peace. Thanks again. That was a Hitiddem Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this?

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